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Theme music
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TIDDA 1: What's this, then, slut?
TIDDA 2: What's this, then, slut?
3
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,960
What's this, then, slut? (Repeating)
What's this, then, slut? (Repeating)
4
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,420
Eyah, slut!
5
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:37,920
Welcome to New Zealand.
Aotearoa, slut!
6
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,780
Me and my man
have got a booking here.
7
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,700
We'd like to... check in.
8
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,780
Yes, of course.
Now, if I could just get your name?
9
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(Mobile phone rings)
One moment please.
10
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,280
Hello?
11
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,040
What do you mean
you can't make the wedding!?
12
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,680
But you're the Best Slut,
and the Slut of Honour!
13
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,360
Well, I hope your recovery is fucked!
What's going on!?
14
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,000
Peter Blant and Bent Budhoo James
and can't make the wedding
15
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,180
because James is recovering
from surgery.
16
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,340
What surgery?
17
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,060
He's had surgery to unbend
his bent budhoo -
18
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,780
that big bendy budhoo slut!
19
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,880
What a pair of sluts!
20
00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,760
So what are we going to do now?
Get married!
21
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,820
(Gasps)
Anyway, we don't need them.
22
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,860
The wedding will be better off
with two less sluts.
23
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,860
Aww, I love it
when you talk like that!
24
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,580
That's why you're my...
lord of my rings!
25
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,420
Ooh! Who needs Middle Earth when
I've got the middle of your fork!
26
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,300
Oh, stop it! You're getting
my precious all worked up!
27
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:37,740
Then why should I stop,
28
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,700
because you know I love
going there and back again!
29
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:46,140
See how you go!
Can't even carry me up to our room!
30
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,460
Excuse me, excuse me.
31
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,980
You can't go up to your room yet.
You haven't checked in.
32
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,200
Well, what's this, then, slut?
33
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:03,560
Well, it all started when
I was on my way to uni one morning.
34
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,780
It was a Tuesday morning,
and the bus was really crowded.
35
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,260
It was peak hour,
and no-one would sit with me.
36
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,360
See the thing is,
it happened all the time
37
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,940
but I always thought
it was in my head.
38
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:19,340
Like I was paranoid, or something,
you know?
39
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:23,620
But then I realised
what was actually going on.
40
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,720
They weren't sitting next to me
because...
41
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,660
It's alright, you can have a seat.
42
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,360
..I'm Aboriginal.
43
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,900
So I decided to make a campaign
the only way I know how.
44
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,860
Through hashtags and social media.
45
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,340
I wanted to make a difference.
So I typed it.
46
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,980
'Hashtag, I'll sit with you'.
47
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,100
I pressed enter, and it was done.
48
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,340
It went viral.
49
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,440
(Message tone sounds)
50
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:02,540
People made bracelets
with illsitwithyou.
51
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,420
They could wear them
as a sign of support.
52
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,020
Everyone was wearing them.
53
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,860
And for one harmonious moment,
54
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,500
it felt like everyone
was sitting with everyone else,
55
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,600
no matter what their colour.
56
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,440
But then it went wrong.
57
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,540
People went too far.
58
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,780
They were always sitting next
to Aboriginal people all the time.
59
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,400
On the bus, at lunch...
60
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,740
Hey, hey, someone's in here!
I'll sit with you.
61
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,040
It had gone too far.
62
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,560
And it wasn't just happening to me.
63
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,040
It was happening
to all Aboriginal people,
64
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,840
and they were resenting me for it.
65
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,740
I knew what I had to do.
66
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,840
With great power
comes great responsibility.
67
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:58,920
I had to make it stop.
68
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,700
So I went back online,
69
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:07,600
and I typed
'Hashtag, don't sit with me'.
70
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,900
I have to wear these
on a daily basis now.
71
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,740
Just in case.
72
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,100
But usually
I just go about my business.
73
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,900
Oh, and it also turns out
I got halitosis.
74
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,220
That's bad breath.
75
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,680
Which is probably why no-one
sat with me in the first place.
76
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,740
So I just rollerblade everywhere now.
77
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,060
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
78
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:31,380
I'm still learning,
79
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,640
but it means I don't have to
sit next to people anymore.
80
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,060
So, Alex. You're back.
81
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,820
Uh-huh.
82
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,840
Excited to be behind the wheel
of a live motor vehicle?
83
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,660
Yeah, sure.
84
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,540
Well, you shouldn't goddamn be!
85
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,060
You get excited
in a live motor vehicle,
86
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,820
you die.
87
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,340
(Whispers) You die.
88
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,940
(Groans)
89
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,940
So, what do you do
before you start the car?
90
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,700
Uh, buckle up?
91
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,580
And?
92
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,060
Check my blind spots.
93
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,940
What else?
94
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,240
Uh, flick on my indicator?
What the hell are you doing?
95
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,340
I don't know.
96
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,760
I thought you were supposed
to indicate with your flicker
97
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,760
before turning out
so that the other cars know.
98
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,840
Did I say put your flicker on?
99
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,420
No. You didn't.
100
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,660
Exactly. I did not.
101
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,400
I thought you had to indicate
when turning out.
102
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,280
When you don't listen...
(Softly) ..you die.
103
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,340
OK. What am I supposed to do?
104
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,820
You're supposed to
put your hand out the window,
105
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,820
and give the people behind you
the finger, while you pull out.
106
00:07:56,920 --> 00:08:00,460
(Chuckles) I mean,
that's not an actual thing though.
107
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,020
You think I got my licence
at a freakin' $2 store?
108
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:07,220
No, I just thought, you know,
it's kind of rude.
109
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,440
Rude. (Scoffs)
110
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,100
You ain't got no clipboard.
111
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,060
(Sighs)
112
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,720
You ain't got no badge.
113
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,420
You don't have no pen,
114
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,520
and you definitely do not
have these glasses.
115
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,620
You know what?
116
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,500
You're right.
I shouldn't be allowed to drive.
117
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,600
I'm done.
118
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:30,540
But, Alex.
119
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,020
I thought we were friends.
120
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,980
I think you're a really great guy.
121
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,740
I care about you.
122
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,980
I don't want you to...
(Softly) ..die.
123
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:43,480
Really?
You really feel that way about me?
124
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,080
Of course not.
Now, get out of the car.
125
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,320
Double lesson next time.
I'm charging you for three!
126
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,400
(Bridal march plays)
127
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,520
(Laughter)
128
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,680
Eyah, sluts!
129
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,760
What, sluts?
130
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,700
What are you two doing here?
131
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,980
I could ask the same
of you two sluts.
132
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,080
Show him your ring, baby.
133
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,040
I mean your engagement ring!
134
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,240
He liked it,
so he put a ring on it!
135
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,180
Then he put his ring on it.
Biggest mob times.
136
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,280
Biggest mob!
137
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,360
That's because
he's got the biggest hole.
138
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,200
Don't try and make out
you're all stitched up.
139
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,440
Everybody knows you've
got the biggest hole in Auckland,
140
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,880
or in your case, Forkland!
141
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:51,900
I wouldn't be so sure about that!
142
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,000
We're getting married too,
143
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,140
and by the looks of it,
my ring is bigger.
144
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,620
A lot bigger.
145
00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,580
Your ring looks real dull.
146
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:00,740
(Both scoff)
147
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,840
That's only because
my ring needs a clean.
148
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,820
My man polish it for me later.
149
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,300
That's right, sluts!
150
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,260
Plus, we've got
the best Beyonce drag celebrant
151
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,740
in all of New Zealand!
152
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,840
You mean the baddest, blackest,
153
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,980
booty-shaking bitch
in all of Aotearoa,
154
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,860
Robert Frescon, aka Ima Mimer?
155
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,620
That's right, bitches!
So what you got?
156
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,720
Oh, we got her too, bitch!
We got her too!
157
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,540
And did I mention she's our friend?
158
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,640
That means that bitch for free.
159
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,020
I don't believe anything that
comes out of sluts' mouths anyway.
160
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,720
Well, you better believe it.
And you better believe it good!
161
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,740
Well, I don't believe it!
I don't believe it bad!
162
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,200
Then you sluts should
come see for yourselves.
163
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,320
3:30 tomorrow afternoon
at the Hilton.
164
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,460
3:30!? But we're
getting married at 3:30!
165
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:49,340
I'd double-check that if I were you.
166
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,540
(Dials number)
167
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,660
(Phone rings)
168
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,820
Hello, Ima?
169
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,700
I'm ringing about
our wedding tomorrow at 3:30.
170
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,700
What message?
171
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,920
Listen here, you woolly-haired,
bandy-legged, Beyonce wannabe slut!
172
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:06,940
Hello?
173
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:10,420
She hung up on me!
That bitch hung up on me!
174
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,280
Looks like you'll have to
get married back home in Australia.
175
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:17,100
Oh, that's right! They can't
because of slut legislation!
176
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,620
But we searched everywhere
for that slut!
177
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,760
I'm starting to think
we're not meant to get married.
178
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,500
First the Best Slut and
Slut of Honour can't make it,
179
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,920
and now our celebrant
can't marry us.
180
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,000
What if
we're not meant to get married!?
181
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,700
Aw, don't say that!
182
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:40,400
What if we're not meant to be
eternal sluts! (Sobs)
183
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,500
Are youse happy now?
184
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,980
This was supposed to be the
most slutty experience of our lives,
185
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,080
and you've just ruined it,
ruined it!
186
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,580
Can't even get married!
187
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,720
(Shoes squeak with each step)
188
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:05,060
Uh, well, I'm... I'm very sorry, Sam.
189
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,140
Why, what's wrong?
190
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:10,060
Well, I'm afraid
the results have come back
191
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,380
and... it's cancer.
192
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,480
Cancer?
193
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,240
(Sobs)
194
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:26,360
Well, now you know
how Aboriginal people feel, eh?
195
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,180
(Laughter)
196
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,200
Laine, that was delicious.
You have outdone yourself this time.
197
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,500
Oh, stop it.
198
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,340
No, you really have.
You're a lucky man, Stu.
199
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,020
A very lucky man.
200
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,420
So, how's Janelle?
Janelle?
201
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,420
Yeah, Trevor's sister.
You know, the one you sponsored.
202
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,420
'A dollar a day.' Your Aboriginal?
203
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,940
Oh, Janelle.
Yes, Janelle.
204
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,780
Yeah, we, uh... had to let her go.
205
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:55,540
Go?
Yep, go. Shwoosh. Like that.
206
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,020
Wow!
Yeah, I know.
207
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,120
Yeah, we read this book
on Aboriginal self-determination.
208
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:03,400
It was very enlightening.
Basically, what it said is
209
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,040
that Aborigines need to take
their matters into their own hands.
210
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,660
Yeah.
Wow.
211
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,760
We were being, like, white saviours
212
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,620
and not letting her have
any of her own autonomy.
213
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,660
Well, that's what the book said,
214
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,560
and we really, we just...
we couldn't do that to Janelle.
215
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,540
Yeah, not Janelle.
216
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,260
So we decided that what was
best for her, as white people,
217
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,820
was to... leave her alone.
218
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,220
Is she OK?
219
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,180
Oh, I think so.
220
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,280
We haven't really heard from her.
221
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,920
No, no, not since
we changed the number and all that,
222
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,040
but oh, no, I did hear
that she'd been evicted.
223
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,900
Well, maybe the next time
we see Trevor,
224
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,620
we could ask him about her.
225
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:46,100
You still have Trevor?
We sure do.
226
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,620
Why?
Oh, it's...
227
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:51,100
It's a bit oppressive, isn't it?
You're being a bit of a coloniser.
228
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,700
We helped Trevor
229
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,480
set up a bank account
with his own savings the other week.
230
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,780
He seemed very thankful.
231
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,740
He even carved us an emu egg
232
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,180
when we paid for him to go back
to country to get off the junk.
233
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,280
That's all well and good,
234
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,040
but have you ever asked Trevor
what he wanted?
235
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,020
No, not... directly.
236
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,120
Well, there you go!
Ah.
237
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,080
You see, you need to let Trevor
decide what he wants.
238
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:17,060
By himself. With autonomy
and self-determination.
239
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,500
Also, you'll save a ton.
Oh, God!
240
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,200
When we stopped paying Janelle
a dollar a day,
241
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,280
we realised that we'd saved enough
242
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,500
to install a hot tub
next to the pool.
243
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,660
Wow!
I know!
244
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:32,360
Oh, we'll have to
do a little dip later.
245
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,580
So what you're saying
246
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:40,220
is that by helping Trevor,
we're not helping Trevor at all,
247
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,780
we're being white saviours
248
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,160
and we are
oppressing his self-determination?
249
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,480
Yes.
250
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:53,860
Maybe we should cancel Trevor.
What do you think, honey?
251
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,820
Well, I don't want to hurt Trevor.
252
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,260
Oh, come on, do it. Just do it!
253
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,680
Let him have his freedom,
like it was before colonisation.
254
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,760
Let them have that.
255
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:09,060
OK. Let's do it. For Trevor.
Awww.
256
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,820
To Trevor and Janelle.
257
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,360
Aborigines and self-determination.
258
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,520
Hey...
259
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,640
Who's for that sneaky dip
in the hot tub?
260
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:20,740
(Laughter)
261
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,840
I haven't even brought my swimmers!
262
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,720
Ooh, no matter!
(Laughter)
263
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:32,120
(Bridal march plays)
264
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:40,140
Eyah, slut!
What, slut? (Sobs)
265
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,100
Should we just get another celebrant?
266
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,820
What's the use? (Sobs)
267
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,940
(Knock at door)
268
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:50,400
I'll get that.
(Sobs)
269
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,280
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now, we come in peace.
270
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,200
We want to talk to you
about something.
271
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,160
(Scoffs)
272
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:10,680
(Crying)
273
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:15,340
Cut to the chase, sluts!
How did you find us anyway?
274
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:16,780
It wasn't hard.
275
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,360
We just asked around if anybody had
seen two depressed Aboriginal sluts.
276
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,440
You leave
quite the slutty, teary trail.
277
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,400
Look, it doesn't matter
how we found you.
278
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,240
What matters
is that we're here with an offer.
279
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,500
What offer?
280
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,600
Well,
seeing that you can't get married
281
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,980
back home in the 'lucky country'
282
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,080
and Ima's
a very good friend of ours,
283
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,580
and can marry us
whenever the hell we want,
284
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:38,680
we'd like to give up our booking.
285
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:41,580
You lie.
286
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:45,160
Quite the opposite, actually.
After you'd both left,
287
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,280
Merv and I decided we've never seen
poorer sluts in all our lives.
288
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,860
(Chuckles)
289
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,140
So here we are.
Do you want it or not?
290
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,760
What do you mean, 'Do we want it'?
Of course we want it!
291
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,880
We didn't fly to New Zealand
to finger ourselves!
292
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,900
Well, then it's yours.
Congratulations.
293
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,160
We hope you have
a happy life together.
294
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,760
You may have to apologise
to Ima though,
295
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:08,380
for calling her a bandy-legged,
woolly-haired, Beyonce wannabe slut.
296
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:14,380
You're lucky she let us work it out,
so make sure you say sorry.
297
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,700
Well, since we're in the mood
for doing good deeds
298
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,800
I'd like to make you two an offer.
299
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:30,620
And, yep, it pretty much shows
what I expected.
300
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,400
Congratulations, you're pregnant.
301
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,180
(Breathes heavily)
302
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,500
OK, so we'll prescribe you
some prenatal vitamins.
303
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,540
(Whooshes through air)
304
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,640
Any questions?
305
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,400
(Lift bell rings)
306
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,220
And again, congratula-...
307
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,320
Ow!
308
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:59,840
Hey there, Nana.
See you heard the good news.
309
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,040
(Breathes heavily)
310
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:08,100
CHEERFUL SYNTH MUSIC
311
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,160
VOICE-OVER: Is your life
going nowhere?
312
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:11,820
Wake up to yourself!
313
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,540
(Exhales heavily)
314
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,820
My series of books and audio books,
315
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,020
as read by me, Uncle Doctor,
316
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,980
are bound to get you
on the right path.
317
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:24,380
Best sellers like...
318
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:25,380
(Gasps)
319
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,300
Order now,
ya dumb dog.
320
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:31,260
SYNTH MUSIC
321
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,420
(Music skips, distorts)
322
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,140
Call Uncle Doctor to-...
323
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,240
Shutchole!
324
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,800
Uncle Doctor!
325
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,920
Dad.
326
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,220
Yes, son.
327
00:18:54,320 --> 00:19:00,400
Who do I look more like -
you or Mum?
328
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:10,600
Well, you kind of look more
like your... Uncle Jimmy.
329
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000
(Whistles)
330
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,340
Yeah.
331
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:29,440
(Continues whistling)
332
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,520
Yeah.
333
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,480
(Shouting in fear, heavy breathing)
334
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,020
He didn't manage to follow us,
did he?
335
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,900
No, thank god.
We've definitely lost him.
336
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,000
The bastard almost got me
with that carving knife!
337
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:48,980
Why did we have to split up?
338
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,080
Because they wanted to send
the black guy off to die first!
339
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,140
Dickhead, we're both black.
340
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,880
Yeah, but I'm blacker. That's why
they sent me to die first.
341
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,580
How come you're blacker than me?
342
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,720
Well,
I'm certainly not whiter than you.
343
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,420
You want to do this now?
344
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,380
Oh, bruz, you watch Ellen DeGeneres.
345
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:09,400
You're about as Aboriginal
as Pad Thai.
346
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,480
Says Terry the Tennis player.
347
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,260
Well, you pronounce your R's!
348
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,460
You have boat insurance!
349
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,820
As a matter of fact,
you got a fuckin' boat!
350
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,400
Argh, your parents
are happily married!
351
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,300
You thought 'shake a leg'
was a seasoning!
352
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,400
You stand up
for the national anthem!
353
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,860
(Both scream)
354
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,220
Oh, God. Oh, God, please!
Don't kill us!
355
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:34,000
Kill him, he's blacker!
356
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,340
What!?
357
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:38,660
You're black too!
358
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,540
I'm white, I'm super white.
I play tennis.
359
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,820
I drive a Volvo!
360
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,340
I own a boat! And it's insured!
361
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,380
I... I vote Liberal!
362
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,780
I watch Sky News!
363
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:56,220
I watch Ellen!
Oh, please, please, please.
364
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,680
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
365
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,240
Are you guys operating
under the assumption
366
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:05,360
that I've picked you based on
some cultural or aesthetic reason?
367
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,860
That shit is hurtful!
368
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,900
(Both whimpering)
369
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,000
Racists!
370
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,180
So, Ginny,
371
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,660
I heard it all went down
at bingo the other day.
372
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,720
Oh, you mean with
Jane Arsehole Bitch Kerrigan?
373
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,340
Oh, it went down all right.
374
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,680
That arsehole bitch
got what was coming to her.
375
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:34,980
Why!? What happened?
376
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,740
Well, you know that deep fork
won the jackpot a few weeks ago?
377
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,780
The one
that wouldn't give you half of it?
378
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,220
Anyway, since she's won the jackpot,
379
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,620
she's been parading her
wrinkled-up, dried-out, saggy fork
380
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,380
around my bingo. Please!
381
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,780
Make me sick!
382
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,880
Oh you haven't heard
the best of it yet!
383
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:52,780
Oh, what!?
384
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,880
Well,
I was standing in line patiently
385
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:58,280
to get my jackpot tickets
when that bitch tries to push in.
386
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,260
No!
Yes!
387
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,360
And with them group of bitches,
I might add!
388
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,580
Ooh-ah!
Well, I wouldn't have a bar of it.
389
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:06,840
I told her
to drag her out-of-shape arse
390
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,920
to the back of the line
where it belongs.
391
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,400
You know what that dirty stop-out
had the cheek to say to me?
392
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,540
What!?
393
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,640
That her arse is only out of shape
394
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,080
because my dear old Pete
used to bang it so hard.
395
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,160
(Gasps)
396
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,260
Oh, that was it!
397
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:24,560
I grabbed that lizard-lipped,
emu-necked, goanna-eyed bitch
398
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:25,940
by the throat,
399
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,120
and next minute,
we're rolling around on the ground.
400
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,820
You go girl!
Oh, I went alright!
401
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,460
She didn't know what to do,
402
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,560
so she started grabbing
them bingo dobbers.
403
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,440
And she started hitting me
in the face with them.
404
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,520
By the time I wrestled them off her,
405
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,720
I looked like I was painted up
for ceremony.
406
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,220
And then what happened?
407
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,320
Well,
I grabbed them dobbers off her,
408
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,860
and I said to her, 'Ooh, hey,
you wanna dob, ay? You deep fork.'
409
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,960
And then I dobbed her
from head to toe.
410
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,840
That bitch looked like
she had the pox.
411
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,420
That was it. They shit themselves.
412
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,480
They packed up that bitch
and they left.
413
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,300
Well, what'd you do then?
I played bingo, of course!
414
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,700
Nothing - and I mean nothing -
comes between me and my bingo.
415
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,520
Ginny. The world
could learn a thing or two from you.
416
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,760
(Bridal march plays)
417
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:28,000
DREAMY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
418
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:05,700
BRIDAL CHORUS
419
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,840
(Excited chatter)
420
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,660
(Applause)
421
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,540
Woo-hoo. My man, my man, my man!
422
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,340
Mmmmm.
423
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:30,760
Me, me, me, me, me.
Look at me now!
424
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,740
Here comes the one
who's getting married today
425
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,820
All you gammin jealous bitches
better get out of my way
426
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,620
'Cause I've got a man,
and youse ain't got shit
427
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,940
And if youse haven't married
by now
428
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,040
You poor bitches
might as well quit.
429
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,720
(Chuckles)
430
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,780
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
431
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,560
to join these two in marriage.
432
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,300
Before I go any further,
433
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,400
is there anyone out there
434
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,640
that does not believe
these two should be getting married?
435
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,120
Look.
436
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,920
Rings!
437
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,400
(Giggles)
438
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,760
(Clears throat)
439
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,900
Mark, do you take Greg
to be your lawful wedded husband?
440
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,000
I do.
441
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:37,700
And, Greg,
442
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,420
do you take Mark
to be your lawful wedded husband?
443
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:42,900
What do you think?
444
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,920
I didn't go through shit
for the last few days
445
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,160
just to run away from my man.
(Giggles)
446
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:50,460
Oh!
447
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:55,440
The ring is on! The ring is on!
The ring is on!
448
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:59,500
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
449
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,580
Tiddas, you may kiss the slut.
450
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,680
(Mutters) Come here, you slut.
451
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:07,160
(Cheering and applause)
452
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,560
So much for,
'can't even get married'!
453
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,500
So what do we do now?
454
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,800
There's only one thing sluts do
at a time like this!
455
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:17,300
Can't even dance?
456
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,260
(Gasps) What's this, then, slut?
457
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,360
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
458
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,580
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
459
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,680
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
460
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,640
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
461
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,640
(Laughter)
462
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:49,180
What's this, then, slut?
What's this, then, slut?
463
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,760
What's this, then, slut? (All repeat)
UPBEAT DISCO
464
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,880
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