All language subtitles for Black.Comedy.S01E03_English

MAN, VOICE-OVER:
Are you wanting to reconcile

with the first people
of this country?

Do you find yourself
wanting to close the gap,

but don't even know what the gap is?

Well, maybe what you need
is one of our top-of-the-line PAs -

Personal Aboriginals!

Ever been to a party
that always has that one racist?

You know the type - tells Aboriginal
jokes and has misinformed opinions.

Well, your very own PA will pull him
aside and have a quiet word with him.

If that doesn't work, your PA will
simply punch the shit out of him.

You won't even have to worry
about giving a statement,

because the police will
automatically arrest the black man!

PERSONAL ABORIGINAL:
Happy Australia Day!

Here at Blacks For You,

we have all kinds of Personal
Aboriginals to cater for your needs.

So sign up today for your PA
and reconcile the proper way.

Blacks For You - choose the black
that will have your back.

BOTH: Thanks Blacks For You.

Theme music

Ear Slut!

What slut?

I heard you been going around town
telling lies about me.

Not even!

I been ringing up people
telling lies about you.

Slut! You're only jealous
'cause Ethan wants me.

Who'd be jealous of your big
out-of-shape washed up wrinkly hole?

Anyway, you can't even clean!

(Gasps) Can't even eat!

Well, what's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?

Well, what's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
What's this then, slut?

What's this then, slut?
Well, what's this then, slut?

(Both speak indistinctly)

Can't even spew!

(Vomits) What's this then, slut?

So the black bitch
was in Sampson & Delilah.

WOMAN: Sapphires.

Sapphires?

Hey bro, how's the new woman going,
eh?

Ah, she deadly.

I think she's a real keeper, eh.

Yeah, I tried to be
with a white woman once.

They just don't
get our mob, you know.

'Why do you blackfellas
got to do this?'

'Why do you blackfellas
got to do that?'

Nah, Tiff, she deadly.
Real keen about our mob.

She loves our culture and our ways,
she just loves it.

Yeah? True?
True. Here, look.

Tiff! Tiff!

Where are you, bub?

Hey. Yeah, this is Charlie here.

Hey.

(Bad Aboriginal accent)
Hey, how are you, fella?

What you been singing out to me
like that for, huh?

I been trying to cook a bully beef
stew for you for you fella for after.

It not gonna cook himself, you know.

(Laughs) Well, I'm sorry, babe.

Well, you go back there
and cook then,

'cause you know how much
I love your bully beef stew.

Yeah, you wanna love it,
otherwise you be getting hurt.

(Laughs)

See? Told you.

Yeah, yeah.
She deadly.

I think they're gorgeous.

Excuse me.

Hello, how are you?

I was just wondering
if you have any of that

Aviante Shampoo and Conditioner?

Oh, I'm sorry. We actually
ran out of that yesterday.

Excuse me?

We don't have any left.

It's because I'm black, isn't it?

Sorry?

Don't make out you never heard me.

You're just shame
because I'm pulling you up on it.

I don't know
what you're talking about!

Yeah, you racist dog!

I've been putting up with this
my entire life.

You think I can't tell when someone
is judging me because I'm black.

If I was WHITE you'd have
the biggest mob of shampoo

and conditioner for me, but because
I'm black you think that my hair

isn't good enough for your poxy
Aviante Shampoo and Conditioner.

Well, guess what?

You can shove it
up your racist hole!

And remember...
you're on Aboriginal land.

Ho! Ha! Ya! Hu!

(Makes bird noise)

Ho! Ha! Ho!

Oh, my God! I can't believe
it's actually happening! I know!

You should've seen
the way he proposed.

It was so romantic!

Did he go down on one knee?

He did.

His speech was so beautiful.

Everybody in the restaurant
was looking.

They all clapped and cheered
when I said yes!

(Laughs)

So what kind of wedding
are you going to go for?

I haven't really thought about that,
but John's a fairly traditional man.

Isn't that right, honey?

MAN: What's that, babe?

That we'll probably
have a traditional wedding.

Damn straight!

I heard you and your boy
ain't talking at the moment.

Hmm, don't get me started.

It's all because of that
little Evans bitch he's with.

So it's true? She won the lotto?

Yeah!

Not that I'm going to see
one red cent of it,

thanks to that
little tight-arsed bitch.

(Gasps) Ooh, ah.

I expected half them winnings,
but nah, she's going to give it

to her old wrinkled-up,
can't see, can't walk,

got-no-teeth mother of hers.

I said to her,
'Hey-ya, what's she gonna do with it?

She can't enjoy it.'

And what'd she say to that?

Oh, tried to make out
it was for her mother's health.

Said for some treatment
to make herself better.

I reckon, ooh-ah, what for?

She's not going to be around
for five years.

How's she going to spend
all that money in that time?

True, eh.

I know!

And then she had the cheek to tell me
that I could have any money left over

when her mother passes away.

In her hole!

Make me wait five years!

I could been on a cruise around the
world five times looking for a man.

I said to her, 'Why do I have
to hold on to five years of my life

when that miserable bitch
is clinging on to hers?'

Oh, that's terrible!
What happened?

I said, if I didn't PUSH OUT MY SON,
she would never have met him,

she would never have moved here,
she would never have gone

to that newsagency
and got that poxy lotto ticket.

So if she didn't
give me half her winnings,

she could stick it up
her tight little clacker.

Oh, good on you, Ginny.

See, the world needs
more people like you.

Mm-hmm.
Mm.

Mm.
Mm-hmm.

Mm.
Mm.

Mm.
Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm.
Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm.
Mm.

(Bad Aboriginal accent)
Hey, which way?

Who you?

How you know John now?

I'm his cousin.

Ah, shut up!

True? I'm his woman, Tiffany.

That makes you my cousin,
brother boy.

Solid!

Ah, come here, brother boy.

Eh, Tidda?

Tidda, how you know John now?

He's my uncle.

Look out! Who you belong to?

I'm Jenny's daughter.

Ah! Can't be!

Ha! You been growing up proper big
since I've seen you last!

I saw you last week.

But you know how long a week in
black fella time is - proper long.

How is a week
in black fella time different

to a week in white fella time?

Oh, you know, Murri time.

You're not Murri.

Hey Bubba, you don't wanna talk to
me like that when I belongs to you.

That's proper hurtful, you know.

I'm your Aunty Tiffany. You don't
wanna talk to me like that.

Make me proper sad, true.

Mum Glor!

Your granddaughter here,

she been saying
proper hurtful things, you know.

She trying to say I'm not Murri.

Mum Glor!

Mama Glor!

Hey, Mama Glor!

Argh!

Who you?

Hey, brother.

What you doing?

Shh! Hiding from Tiffany there.
She make me proper shame.

Because I thought that
you said that she was real deadly

and keen to learn about our ways.

She going proper overboard now.

Hey-ya, brother.

Give me 20 dollar there, la,
so I can go buy a charge.

Here Tidda,
give me one sookum there.

True, I'm proper stressed, eh.

My niece there,
she been trying tell me I'm white.

Oh, damn!

So, the black bitch
is taking a photo.

Selfie.
Selfie?

Oh, my back!

(Sighs) See how they go.

I'm sick of this phone ringing too.

Anyone think
we running a brothel here!

That manager wanna
put on a receptionist,

'cause I ain't answering
no phone in my break!

It ain't in my job description.

They can all go and scratch!

And the manager
don't answer it neither,

unless Aunty from across the road
there coming over here

gammin looking for change
for that parking meter.

Go up the shop
if ya gotta get change!

But how she go?

Always in that same ugly-looking
fluffy fluoro jumper she wear!

You notice that?
And it rides right up her hmm.

Shame job!

But you know she's only over here
looking for that manager, eh.

'Cause otherwise why else
she be over her parading for?

Clicking around here
in your high heels.

And they're that loud!

I don't know
what she trying to prove.

No-one wants her!
What she over here for?

Go on, she'll know it when these
girls catch on - they'll run her.

Wild gins, they are!

WOMAN: Hey, Mavis.

Hey, how you going?

Eh, geez you look neat
in that fluoro fluffy jumper.

Where'd ya get that from?
Fits you well.

Oh, thanks.

You big gee-whiz.

Hello?

(Gasps) Mum! The magician's here.

Can I help you?

Hello, I'm Magic Murri.

I'm the magician
hired for the party today.

Oh!

I think there must be
some misunderstanding.

Oh, have I come at the wrong time?
No!

No, in fact, you're early.

It's just, um..

I didn't order a black magician.

I'm sorry?

Well, you're a black magician,
so obviously you do black magic.

No, I just do stuff
like pull rabbits out of hats.

Oh, right, and what do
you do after that? Sacrifice them?

Oh, my God!

(Gasps) My God!

You're a witch doctor!

Are you a featherfoot?

Are you a kurdaitcha man?

Oh, I have seen them
on the Discovery Channel.

Oh, my God!

Here, let me show you.

No, no, no, no! Please,
I will pay you for your time,

but just please, please,
leave me and my kids alone.

Please, just calm down!

Why... Why are you doing this?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

It's because of that woman.

That crazy woman who accused me
of sleeping with her Aboriginal man!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

She cursed me! She cursed me!

I have never, EVER
slept with an Aboriginal man.

Here, look!

Oh, no, no, no. Please!

Please.

Kids!

Come. Just go away!

Kids, quick, run!

Pillia Mittigar, children.

Today I'm going to tell you the story
of Why The Emu Can't Fly.

In the Dreamtime,
there was a beautiful emu.

The most beautiful emu
in all the land.

She was funny and smart and talented,

and she flew the highest
of all the birds.

One night, Emu was at a corroboree
with all the other bush animals.

She was dancing when a handsome
Black Snake slithered over to her

and asked her to dance with him.

They danced and laughed for hours,

and at the end of the night
they exchanged phone numbers.

Everyone told Emu
that the Black Snake was trouble,

but she didn't listen
and they fell in love anyways.

Soon after, they moved in together
and even opened

a joint savings account to put
money in towards a holiday in Bali.

Emu really wanted to go to Italy,

but due to Black Snake's criminal
record, they could only go to Bali.

Not long after, things changed.

Black Snake started coming home late,
making up all kinds of stories

about where he was and who
he was with, not answering his phone.

Emu knew something was wrong, so one
day she borrowed her sister's Hyundai

and followed Black Snake
home from work.

But Black Snake didn't come home.
He went to a Formula One Motel!

Emu started getting real wild.

She burst into the room
and lo and behold!

There's Black Snake and Cassandra
King, the dirty bush pig mole,

playing hide the snake
in the big, smelly bush!

So Emu says, 'Jeremy! I told you
if I caught you cheating on me again,

I'd cut your fucking dick off!'

But Jeremy, the stupid Black Snake,
he just laughed.

So I grabbed that bottle of Prosecco

and I smashed it
and I sure showed him!

Now Emu can't go anywhere
because of her 'bail conditions'

as she awaits trial
for 'grievous bodily harm'.

She can't leave the house,
except for work,

or go within 500m
of that dickless Black Snake Jeremy,

as if she'd want to anyways.

And that, children, is the Dreamtime
story of why the emu can't fly.

Welcome, Steven.

Hello.

I believe you're auditioning
for the role of King Lear.

Ah, that's correct.

I'll be doing the soliloquy
from Act 3, Scene 2.

Well, when you're ready,
you may start.

Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks!

Rage! Blow!

You cataracts and hurricanes spout,
till you have drench'd the steeples,

and drowned...

(Gasps) ..the cocks!

You sulpherous thought-executing
fires,

vaunt couriers, oak-cleaving
thunderbolts,

singe my white head!

And thou, all-shaking thunder,

strike flat the thick
rotundity of the world,

break Nature's moulds,
all germains spill at once,

that makes ungrateful man!

(Breaths heavily)

Whoa!

Oh, I like it.

Mr Oliver, you do realise
that this production of King Lear

will be touring primary schools?

Ah, yes.

That's why I toned it down.

Right.

Well, we've got your number
and we'll be in contact.

OK. Thank you.

OK.

Elizabeth, something weighs
very heavy on my heart.

Pray tell what, sister?

I am with child.

Glorious news.

The child is not Joseph's.

Oh, not so glorious.

Whose is it?

The Lord's.

Of course, the Lord's child.

Yep, I get it.

Whose is it really?

Elizabeth, I have been made
pregnant by the Holy Spirit!

How does the Holy Spirit...
You know, how does it...?

Was it Ray Ray from Jerusalem?

Or Joe Boy from Galilee.

No, it wasn't.

Because have you seen Ray Ray
without his robes on, he is cut up.

Joe Boy is H-O-T,
with a capital H-O-T.

It's an immaculate conception!

The conception was completely
immaculate, completely immaculate.

So that's what you're calling it?

Yes, that's what I was thinking
of calling it.

What do you think?

It's a good title.

It's better than like...

..pure pregnancy.

It's catchy.

Yeah, go with it.

Until you can think
of something better anyways.

Look, Sis, there's my ride.

I'm going over to Jerusalem,
only for the day, OK?

But I'll come and see you tonight.

Alright?

Yaweh.
Yep?

So the black bitch is sleeping?

Napping.

Napping?

Oh, my God. It's my ex, Tiffany.

Oh, shit. I think she's seen us.

(Bad Aboriginal accent) Hello, John.

Hi, Tiffany.

It's now pronounced Tee-Farnay,

though I don't know why
I should expect you to know that.

You never been pay attention to me
in our gammin relationship,

so why should you know
anything about me.

You done proper
break my heart, you know.

I been try proper hard
to save our relationship,

but you fella just didn't care.

Can you stop talking like that?

Like what?

Like you're black.

Don't you be discriminating
against me because of how I talk!

You fella proper racist.

Excuse me?

If anybody's racist, it's you.

Don't be dragging me
into your identity crisis.

Ooh, well, la-de-da!

Don't be using your big words
and phrases on me.

Not all of us
had a privileged education.

But you went to
an all-girls private school.

So?
In Switzerland.

Don't judge me
because of my edu-ma-cation.

But you're the one that...
What is wrong with you mob?

I never been do anything to you.

The only thing I been guilty of
is loving you, John!

I been give you my all but I never
been getting nothing in return,

and now you're gonna sit here
with you're uptown woman

and pass judgement on me.

On the way I talk, on my education.

Not all of us can have the life you
fella can have, you know.

You fella so privileged
that you don't know what it's like

to be judged
and discriminated against.

I've been fighting all my life,
and I'm struggling.

It's proper hard, you know.

I feel like I'm drowning,
and I gotta be like the dugong -

I gotta come up for air, but if I do
then them blackfellas gonna see me

and they gonna spear me and eat me
'cause I taste proper lovely.

So just stop.

Stop your judging and discriminating
because unless you fella walk a mile

in my shoes then you don't know
how hard my life has been.

She IS nuts!

Yep.

Oh, my God.

Did you just rub up against my leg?

Sorry?

My leg?

Did you just rub your budhoo
up against my leg?

I'm not sure
what you're referring to?

You dirty bastard!

Don't act dumb with me.

You know exactly what I meant.

You just want me to say that word -
that P word.

Really, I don't what...
Pee-pee!

There. Are you happy?

I said it! Pee-pee!

Are you turned on now?
Are you? Huh? Huh?

Does it make you want me even more?

Oh, my God! I can't sit
next to a man like you!

(Screams) Oh, my God,
what are you doing?

Let me past you vile, dirty man!

Oh my goodness, stop trying to
have your way with me!

You're evil, I tell you!
Evil!

(Moans)

(Screams)

You dirty bastard!

People like you make me sick!

Don't let me catch you
on this bus again

or I'll cut your pee-pee off
and wear it for a necklace!

(Gasps) Oh, my God!

Did you just touch me on the arse?

MAN, VOICE-OVER: In a world of racism
and oppression stands one man...

..caught between two worlds.

Are you ready for some
Aboriginal justice?

A man who fights
for the survival of his people.

A man who does things as they've
been done for thousands of years.

A man who don't take
no shit from nobody.

That's what I call branching out.

Damn it, Blackest!

I told you before, you can't go
around spearing people in the leg.

That's your problem
right there, Sarge.

You're too busy
slapping people on the wrist

when you should be
slapping them on the arse!

This summer,
you think you know black?

Well, you don't know shit.

OK, ladies.
Who wants Blackest babies?

Not until you've seen
Blackest of the Black.

I hear you've been telling jokes
about Aboriginals.

Let's see how well
you tell them with no lips.

That's what you get for being lippy
with Blackest, sucker.

Or should I say 'suckless'?

FUNKY MUSIC

Pale justice!

My boomerang always comes back.

(Sobs)

(Sings indistinctly)

(Wails)

What? You never seen
a black woman drink before?

Yeah, you wanna keep walking, dog,
before I smash you.

(Wails)

Why you left me!

Captions by CSI Australia