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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,380
Before we begin,
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00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,799
I just want to ask you
to turn off your phone.
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00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:46,513
I say that 'cause I was
at a movie recently,
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00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:49,384
and the guy next to me answered
his phone during the movie.
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00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,227
And he answered it by saying-
and I quote-
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he said, "Who dis?"
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Which means, not only was he
willing to talk to someone;
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00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,855
he was willing
to talk to anyone.
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He didn't care who it "das."
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00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,980
Thanks.
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00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:04,903
I'm not sure what the past tense
of "dis" Is,
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00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:08,243
but he did not care
who it "das."
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I'm gonna tell you a story,
and-and it's true.
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I always have to tell people
that because, inevitably,
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00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,250
someone will come up to me,
and they'll be like,
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00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,334
"Was that true?"
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00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:17,748
And I'll be like, "Yeah."
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00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,588
And they'll be like,
"Was it?"
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00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,003
I don't know
how to respond to that.
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00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,093
Like, I guess I could
say it louder, you know,
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00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,336
like, "Yeah!"
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00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,803
They'd be like,
"It's probably true.
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00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,092
He said it louder."
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00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,089
- Oh, God.
26
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,341
- Oh, are you okay?
27
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,637
- Yes, yes.
28
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,431
- It all started
when my girlfriend Abby and I
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00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,725
decided to move in
together.
30
00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:38,099
I wasn't entirely sure
it was the best idea.
31
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,772
- Hardwood floors,
lots of room.
32
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,941
- My apartment now is only
slightly bigger than my body.
33
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,189
- So this is better?
34
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,485
- Yeah, yeah, this is better.
35
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:47,607
- Good.
36
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,110
- It's so dark in here,
so we can paint.
37
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,531
- Yeah. Yeah.
38
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,621
- Well, if you like it,
you should act quickly,
39
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,581
because this will go today.
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00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,575
- Well, I love it.
41
00:01:58,243 --> 00:01:59,620
Matt, do you love it?
42
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,247
Do you-
what do you want-
43
00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,624
- I-well, I mean, do you think
we should see other places,
44
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,127
or are we rushing here?
45
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:11,260
- Mm, well...
46
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,508
Mm...
47
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,009
- Mm?
48
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,138
Yeah.
49
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,514
- We'll take it.
50
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,106
- Good.
Let's fill out.--...
51
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:22,601
- I just didn't feel like
my life was on sure footing.
52
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:23,944
You know, Abby was always
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00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:26,154
the more focused
of the two of us.
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00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,319
Abby was teaching
these vocal workshops
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00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:32,161
at a studio in Brooklyn,
and her students loved her.
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00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,656
Meanwhile, I was trying
to be a comedian,
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00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,660
which was not going so well.
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00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,583
When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a comedian,
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00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:44,081
a rapper, or the owner
of a pizza restaurant
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00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:46,334
where third graders
could hang out.
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00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,836
I didn't realize that
instead of being a comedian,
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00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:51,008
I would end up
just working at a bar
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00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,802
where they have comedy.
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00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,175
- Like, over time,
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00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,472
I've learned to become
more realistic about my goals.
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00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,095
Like, over time, for me,
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00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:01,099
the dream has gone from
getting famous doing comedy
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00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:04,693
to making a living
doing comedy
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00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,279
to finding $20 in the street.
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00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,863
I feel like that's
way more realistic...
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00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,074
- So it wasn't going too well.
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00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:13,535
But I kept telling myself
that It was,
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00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,996
because you-
I think, to be a comedian,
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00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:18,115
you have to be
a little bit delusional.
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00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,708
Particularly starting out,
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00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,374
there's just so much failure.
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00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:25,418
And amidst that failure,
you have to tell yourself,
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00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,963
"It's going quite nicely."
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00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:31,713
Because if you didn't, you would
just never get onstage again.
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00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:35,717
You'd be like, "I guess
human beings don't like me."
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00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,887
That's a hard reality to face.
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00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,645
As a matter of fact,
there are a lot of realities
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00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,984
I have a hard time facing.
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But we'll get to that later.
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00:03:58,739 --> 00:03:59,911
Hey...
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00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,249
- Hi.
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00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,084
- I, uh-l packed
the blue thing
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00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,953
and then the pink thing
that goes under it.
89
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,079
- Perfect.
90
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,080
- And I got you these.
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00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,377
They didn't have unsalted,
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00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,250
so I flew to Africa
and got you those, specially.
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00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,877
- Thank you, Abby.
That was a great class.
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00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,094
- Oh, bye, Martin.
Thanks.
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00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,338
Thanks.
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00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:15,429
Listen, the class was not-
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00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,924
- Really?
That guy seemed happy.
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00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,095
And could you sign that?
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00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,593
That's for Janet.
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00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,516
They have a whole section now
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00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:23,605
for "Your Sister's
Engagement Party" cards.
102
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,599
- Wow.
This ls really specific.
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00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,725
- Yeah.
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00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,523
I was gonna cross some stuff
out, you know...
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00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:29,861
- Yeah?
106
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,150
- No mention of divorce rate
or-
107
00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:32,398
- Do you want me
to write that in?
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00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,149
Yeah, you could write it in.
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00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,947
- To Janet and Philip.
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00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:39,116
- Last year, my younger sister
Janet got engaged.
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00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,705
That's Janet.
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00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,620
And those are my parents.
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00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,460
- You know, marriage is like...
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00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,250
Well, you know,
it's like this cake, you know?
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00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,371
When you first bite into it,
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00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:49,839
you can't imagine
anything better,
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00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,174
and you eat, and you eat,
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00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:54,215
and then maybe
you've had enough cake.
119
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:57,465
- My mom seems
to drive my father insane.
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00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,683
She always wants to add
one more thing.
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00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:01,347
- Ooh, and one more thing.
122
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:04,973
- But it's rarely anything that
deserves to be one more thing.
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00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,394
- I got the cake
on the Internet.
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00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:10,982
- You're next.
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00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:12,320
Oh, yeah, just look around,
man.
126
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,064
All of this is-
it's coming your way, baby.
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00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,156
Batter up.
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00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,491
- Oh, she's beautiful.
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00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,826
Look at her.
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00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,912
She's a keeper.
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00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:24,242
- Philip proposed to Janet
2 years after they met.
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00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,333
- It was 2 1/2 years.
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00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,372
It was almost 3.
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00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:27,494
- 2 1/2 years after they met.
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00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,586
- Very sweet.
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00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,000
- It was so sweet.
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00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:33,000
And, boy, they've come
a long way since then,
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00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,592
because Janet told me
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00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,586
that at the end
of their first date-
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00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,429
- Mom, you don't have to tell
that story.
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00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,638
That's not necessary.
142
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:42,180
- Philip said,
at the and of their first date,
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00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,927
"Good night, Gina."
144
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:46,305
And her name is Janet.
145
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:49,604
- He didn't know her name,
honey.
146
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,567
- Linda, what are you
talking about in there?
147
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,858
- Oh, Frank,
we're talking In here.
148
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,026
You ought to join us.
149
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,819
- Well, I know her name now.
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00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,863
I only call her "Gina" in bed.
151
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,078
- You can't say that.
152
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,992
- Just tell me,
what are you talking about?
153
00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:06,709
- Philip knows Janet's name!
154
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:10,705
- Matt, how long have
you and Abby been together?
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00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,793
- Eight-eight years.
156
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:17,919
- Eight years.
157
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,672
- I don't remember it
being so long.
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00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,549
That's silly.
That's ridiculous.
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00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,724
- I used to save everything.
160
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,348
Listen to this email that
you sent me sophomore spring.
161
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,190
I actually printed these.
162
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,230
- That's very generous of you.
163
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,228
You're very stingy with toner.
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00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,480
Oh.
165
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:39,073
- Aw...
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00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,908
"Matt, my parents want me
to go to law school,
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00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,198
"but I'm like, 'Whatever.
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00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,786
I'm gonna move to New York
with my band."'
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00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,951
- Oh, yeah, and then that band
will break up,
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00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,574
and then I'll have
another band,
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00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:48,871
and then that band
will break up,
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00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:49,914
and then I'll teach-
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00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:50,911
Oh, my God.
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00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,083
Ah!
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00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,503
- Shh, you're gonna wake up
my parents.
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00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:57,500
"You're a keeper."
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00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,844
- Right.
And what does that imply?
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00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,588
That you're gonna
rip a hook out of my mouth
179
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:02,931
and throw me back?
180
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,767
They're gonna let me live?
181
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,011
- Oh...
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00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,182
Here.
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00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:11,852
And Uncle Max is so subtle
184
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:15,273
with that whole,
"You're next," thing.
185
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:19,774
It's just like, these people
just have no lives, you know?
186
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,368
I mean, you don't want
to get married, right?
187
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,494
Are you asking?
188
00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:35,247
. Mo, I...
189
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,749
- Then, no, I guess.
190
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,976
- Abby, there's a jackal
in the room.
191
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:56,605
Abby, there's a jackal
in the room!
192
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:59,070
- What?
193
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:01,440
- There's a jackal,
right there.
194
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:02,611
- There's no jackal.
195
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,609
Come back to bed.
196
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,657
- What's going on?
197
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,371
- There, there.
198
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,495
- Matthew?
199
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,119
There's a jackal.
200
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:16,417
- That's-there's no jackal,
Matthew.
201
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,666
That's the hamper.
202
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:21,214
Go to bed, sweetie.
203
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,134
"There's a jackal in the room,"
right, son?
204
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:32,138
"Sweetheart, wake up.
There is no jackal.
205
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:33,263
Wake up."
206
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,515
- I think they get it,
Mom, yeah.
207
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,766
- Oh, oh, and he's in this,
like,
208
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,733
little karate pose,
so sweet, in the corner.
209
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:40,070
And he didn't even take karate,
though.
210
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,734
- Hey, Matt, you were no belt
in karate, I believe?
211
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:42,856
- That's what it was.
212
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,028
- How are you at kung fu?
- Pretty good.
213
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,196
- Dad, what are you doing?
214
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,864
- How long has this sleepwalking
been going on?
215
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,703
- No, Dad, you're gonna get
another heart attack if-
216
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:49,947
- Calm down.
- Oh, hush, hush.
217
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,198
- He doesn't care.
218
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,824
- You know,
I work with some physicians
219
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,452
over at the hospital who
specialize in sleep disorders.
220
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,329
I could make a referral.
221
00:08:57,328 --> 00:09:01,003
- That might be really helpful.
222
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,467
- I don't think
it's that serious.
223
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:05,212
You know,
It's only happened once.
224
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,713
Probably just a fluke.
225
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:10,308
- Well, it's something
to keep an eye on.
226
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:13,895
Abby, can I count on you
to tell me if it happens again?
227
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,013
Thank you.
228
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,390
This bacon is delicious,
honey.
229
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,232
Really greasy.
230
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:24,777
Turn right on Horse Neck Road.
231
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,784
- You need money?
232
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,748
- No, Dad, I have a job.
233
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,414
- Why is that funny?
234
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,913
- Well, you need some goddamn
reality testing.
235
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,460
You need a car?
236
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,254
- No, I don't really drive.
237
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,296
- Right.
238
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:45,293
You could have this car.
239
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:46,510
We're giving it up.
240
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,550
- I don't know.
241
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:50,094
What do you think, Abby?
242
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,184
- Oh, Matt, uh...
243
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:01,355
. No, no, no, I-
244
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,524
- No, take it.
245
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,112
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
246
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,798
Are we okay?
247
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,134
Is something wrong?
248
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,298
- Matt, I'm not saying
249
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:31,139
I need to get married right now
or anything-.
250
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,135
Just-the idea that I spend
all of my time with a person
251
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:38,890
who can't even imagine that
as a possibility is just weird.
252
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,231
- I know what you mean.
253
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,148
What can I say?
254
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,441
She was right.
255
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:47,109
But at this point
in my life,
256
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:50,200
I mean, I was figuring out
some really basic stuff like:
257
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,738
what am I gonna do
with my life,
258
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,533
and where do you buy cereal?
259
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,826
You know?
260
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,166
I mean, I never thought
of marriage as a goal.
261
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,001
Like, I never looked
at my parents' marriage
262
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,291
or really anyone who'd been
married more than 30 years
263
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:05,632
and thought, "I got to get me
some of that."
264
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,676
But Abby was the greatest person
I'd ever met in my life.
265
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,847
I fell for Abby
from the moment I saw her.
266
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,061
She had this big,
beautiful smile.
267
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:21,602
Like, it seemed like her teeth
were bigger than her head
268
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,350
but in a sexy way.
269
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,529
So I built up the courage
to say...
270
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,147
Hey.
271
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,774
. Hey-
272
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,821
- I-I just wanted to say,
273
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,364
I really was moved
by your performance
274
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,862
just, like, on every level.
275
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,079
- Almost sounds creepy.
276
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:40,166
- No, I meant it
In some of the creepy ways.
277
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,876
I kept running into her
on campus...
278
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,120
Hey.
279
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:44,462
Because I was following her.
280
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:45,956
Matt.
- Matt. Matt.
281
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,582
- Hey, Abby.
282
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:48,754
- Hey, Matt, right?
283
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:49,797
- Yeah.
284
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,260
And I'd see her,
and I'd say...
285
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,630
Hey, are you free, like,
this weekend?
286
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,473
She'd say no,
which was hot also,
287
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,183
'cause I knew
she was sensible.
288
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:59,223
- No, really, we're arranging
four new songs,
289
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,471
and they all need
rehearsal...
290
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,268
- Eventually, I threw her
an off-speed pitch.
291
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,389
I said..
292
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:04,811
Do you want to go
to church sometime?
293
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,309
- What?
294
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,482
- Well, I haven't been to church
since I was, like, ten,
295
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,321
but there's this nice chapel
here on campus,
296
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,156
and I was thinking,
if the date doesn't go well,
297
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,900
maybe we'll get something
out of the homily.
298
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,741
- J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'
299
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:20,411
J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'
300
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,829
J' Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh J'
301
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,498
- Abby actually
had to convince me
302
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,041
to have sex
for the first time.
303
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:28,085
- I think I really want to.
304
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,173
- Yeah.
305
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:31,255
- Get out of here!
306
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,468
- $0117-
307
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,303
- She decided we'd go
to a bed-and-breakfast,
308
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,467
because nothing alleviates
309
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,340
the fear of sex
for the first time
310
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,684
like a really elaborate plan.
311
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:42,179
It was, like, a reversal
of those '80s high school movies
312
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:45,022
where the girl is like,
"Devin, I can't."
313
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,312
And Devin's like,
"But you can."
314
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,482
She was Devin,
and I was Molly Ringwald.
315
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,108
I think falling in love
for the first time
316
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,110
is such a transcendent feeling.
317
00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:00,455
You know, it's like eating
pizza-flavored ice cream.
318
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:04,952
Your brain can't even process
that level of joy.
319
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,129
- Is there anyone else?
320
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,087
Yeah?
321
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,801
Yeah?
Come on.
322
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,055
- Whoo!
323
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:24,730
- Uh, I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?
324
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:28,066
And I was just thinking, like,
do you think he-
325
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,775
this guy has
an eating disorder?
326
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,020
Like, all he eats is cookies,
327
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,318
and he doesn't even
have a throat.
328
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,442
You know, like,
he's only fooling himself.
329
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,910
Um, and I was-
330
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,905
like, I was thinking about
stick insects, you know?
331
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,247
And, like,
If I were an Insect-
332
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,741
I'm not an insect.
Like, I know that.
333
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,209
But, like, if I were
an insect, like,
334
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,543
I'd hate to be
a stick insect
335
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,707
'cause all the other insects
336
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:50,171
are always, like,
bumping into you
337
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,665
'cause they don't know
you're there,
338
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,211
and you got to just be like,
'Watch It."
339
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:55,301
And they're like,
"Yeah, you look like a stick.
340
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:57,716
And you're just like,
"Yeah, I have eyes."
341
00:13:57,712 --> 00:14:00,556
And they're like,
"Yeah, they were closed.
342
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:03,552
More sticks."
343
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,098
all the jokes
I have.
344
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,519
- Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
345
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,356
That was amazing.
- Yeah?
346
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,025
- That was a comedian.
347
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,441
- I really feel like
our whole lives,
348
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,535
no matter how low
our self-esteem gets,
349
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,528
some part of us
that thinks,
350
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:26,533
"I have a secret special skill
that no one knows about."
351
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,706
And eventually,
we meet someone who's like,
352
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,251
"You have a secret
special skill."
353
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:35,090
And you're like, "I know.
So do you.
354
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,678
Let's eat pizza-flavored
ice cream together."
355
00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,671
And that's love.
356
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:43,595
It's a mountain
of pizza-flavored Ice cream.
357
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,434
And delusion.
358
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,643
- You had a nice, big wedding?
359
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:55,611
- Yeah,
it was really beautiful.
360
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,729
- You guys grow up together?
361
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:57,855
- You could say so.
362
00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:59,027
We lived in the same borough.
363
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,445
Like, one train ride away.
364
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,193
- So Tommy's a good-looking guy,
huh?
365
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,820
- Well, I think so.
366
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,367
- You think it was love
at first sight?
367
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:06,831
- Oh, absolutely, yeah.
368
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:09,121
- Tommy, what's your favorite
thing about Tammy?
369
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:11,085
- I like how Tammy's beautiful
on the outside.
370
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,045
When you get to know her,
371
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,914
you realize she's beautiful
on the inside.
372
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,916
- Well, I didn't know
what Prince Charming was
373
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,259
until I met Tommy.
374
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:22,176
And now I know
what Prince Charming is.
375
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,350
Honey, did you record this?
376
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,741
- She could just like
those shows.
377
00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,081
- I don't think anyone
likes those shows.
378
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,120
- I like those shows.
379
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,959
- Oh, sorry.
380
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:52,952
- I-I don't know.
381
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,124
Sorry-
Could you hold this?
382
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,918
- Yeah.
383
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:58,757
- I just don't understand
what the big deal is.
384
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,422
Right, like, I-
I don't know.
385
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:01,590
I just had always assumed
386
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,554
that you guys would get married,
you know?
387
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:04,763
She's amazing.
388
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,257
- I think that's the problem.
389
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,134
You know, it's like,
that's how Mom and Dad feel,
390
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,807
and that's how
me and Abby's friends feel.
391
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:13,306
Like, I think everyone thinks
the best thing about my life
392
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,981
is my girlfriend.
393
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:20,196
- It's-you're-
you're gonna be fine.
394
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:25,614
It sounds to me like
you just need a little space.
395
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,704
- Yeah.
No, you're probably right.
396
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:31,245
- You guys should take
a breather.
397
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,537
- What does that even mean now?
398
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:36,254
I mean, is it-like, she has sex
with some stranger?
399
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,588
- Yes.
Probably.
400
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:38,923
That's unbearable.
401
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,383
- Yeah, but-no, but you would
never know about it.
402
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:41,500
- That's worse.
- I know.
403
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,753
- Right?
404
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,971
No, do people ever take,
like, a "no sex" breather?
405
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,589
Is that something
that people could do?
406
00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:47,681
- No.
- Do people have that?
407
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:48,925
- No, I don't think
anyone has that.
408
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,768
- No? Okay.
- No.
409
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:56,900
- You should-
you should talk to her.
410
00:16:56,891 --> 00:16:58,734
Bring it up with her.
See what she says.
411
00:16:58,726 --> 00:16:59,943
- Yeah.
412
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,906
No, I-
Yeah, I'm gonna do...
413
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:04,570
- Any wealthy people
with us tonight?
414
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:07,068
Any ultrarich millionaires?
415
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,704
I doubt it.
416
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,948
I've actually begun
dipping a few of my own toes
417
00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,541
in the financial waters.
418
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:17,538
I've discovered I can turn
$1,000 into $420
419
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,914
in less than a week.
420
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,834
I have the rest of my money
in one of these online banks.
421
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,050
Anyone else have money
tied up
422
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,386
in one of these shady
institutions?
423
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,595
- Are you okay,
Pandamiglio?
424
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:29,306
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
425
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:32,302
. Hey-
426
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,598
- You okay?
427
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:39,521
- Yeah.
Just...
428
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:43,192
I was just talking to Janet
and-uh, today.
429
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,656
She-she had this thought.
430
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,400
- Oh.
What was the thought?
431
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,027
- Well...
432
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,243
Um, well,
she was saying that-
433
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,582
- Can I get a Jameson rocks?
434
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,042
- Yeah, yeah.
435
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,125
Great set.
436
00:17:57,118 --> 00:18:00,247
I, uh-
I'm a comedian as well.
437
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,715
I perform here sometimes.
438
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,924
- Jameson...
439
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,714
- Oh, sure.
440
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:07,428
Anyway, it's, uh...
441
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,514
She just had this thought
where she was just like-
442
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,552
- Hey, guys!
443
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:11,549
- Hey!
444
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,550
- Hello!
445
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,676
- There's our guy.
446
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:14,677
- So adorable.
447
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:15,678
- Yeah.
- HI, Butler.
448
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,976
Nice boots.
449
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,940
- Hey, can we get
a couple free drinks?
450
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,104
- Yes.
Yeah, no.
451
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,693
- Actually, guys, you know,
452
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:24,278
Matt and I were gonna have
a little talk,
453
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,272
so maybe we could
just talk for a second,
454
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:27,273
and I'll come right back.
455
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,445
- It's no big deal, you know?
456
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,443
- You guys having, like,
a talk-talk?
457
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:31,786
Like a Cosby talk?
458
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:34,121
- No, no, no.
It's not a big deal.
459
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,411
- Well, is it the, "Theo getting
bad grades in school" talk
460
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:39,126
or the "Vanessa dating for
the first time" kind of talk?
461
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,586
- Yeah, I think it's neither.
462
00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:41,875
But we can talk later.
463
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,214
- No, it's fine.
We can talk now.
464
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:44,422
Just give me a second.
Here.
465
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:46,167
- Yeah, totally.
No, we'll wait over there.
466
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,761
- Okay.
- Bye.
467
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,175
- Anyway-
468
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,515
- Pandamiglio, we're still
waiting on Terrence to show up.
469
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:54,133
You want to do five?
- Yeah.
470
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,225
- I'm gonna bring you on now.
471
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,389
- Okay.
Sure.
472
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,808
Um, oh, we can talk later.
473
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,181
- Okay, have a good set.
- All right.
474
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,024
- You may have seen
this next guy
475
00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:03,734
crushing mint
into your mojito.
476
00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:07,401
Please welcome
Matt Pandamiglio.
477
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,527
- Thanks.
478
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:15,780
Um, I was watching TV
the other day,
479
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,454
and I was watching The A-Team.
480
00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:21,123
And I-you know, sometimes
I feel like these guys
481
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,461
aren't even trying,
you know?
482
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:25,047
Like, I feel like if you're
on the run from the law,
483
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:28,213
you might want to go easy
on the gold chains and feathers.
484
00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:31,053
Like, maybe take the red stripe
off the van.
485
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:33,173
Just a couple ideas.
486
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,096
- So he thought there was
a jackal in your hamper?
487
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,390
- No, he thought the hamper
was a Jackal.
488
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:39,558
- On.
489
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,896
Okay.
490
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,640
- It was this really-
491
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,610
it was really stressful, though,
that weekend-
492
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,979
his parents and relatives
and everything.
493
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,151
Just kind of a weird time,
I guess.
494
00:19:50,147 --> 00:19:53,947
- Well, you need to get you
one of these guys, huh?
495
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,695
That'll fix everything,
right, Petey?
496
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,618
- Oh, yeah, sure.
497
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:58,705
- Yeah?
498
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,291
- No, yeah.
499
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,250
I don't know if I'm ready
for one of these.
500
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:03,916
I don't know if Matt is either.
501
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,208
- Oh, come on.
502
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,332
Just tell him
Butler needs buddies.
503
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,129
- Yeah, I could say that.
504
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:10,468
Butler needs some buddies.
505
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,427
That-
I would never say that.
506
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:15,640
- Please welcome
Terrence Bailey, everybody.
507
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,759
Terrence Bailey.
508
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,061
Hey.
509
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,229
- Hey!
510
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,898
Yayl
You were great!
511
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,395
- Oh, did you guys watch?
- Uh-uh.
512
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,397
We heard those jokes in college,
though,
513
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,899
and they were funny then.
514
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,070
- Ah.
515
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,319
Um, let me grab your empties.
516
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,740
- Uno mas, monsieur.
517
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,330
- Thank you, bartender.
518
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,322
- Gracias.
519
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:42,370
- "What happened after dinner?"
520
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:43,743
"We went back to my place."
521
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,587
"Yeah.
Then what?"
522
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,456
"Ah, started making out."
523
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:52,131
"Yeah!
Then what?"
524
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,938
- Hey, man.
525
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:08,184
I was just-
I was just onstage.
526
00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:10,107
Just did my set.
527
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,605
- This business is insane,
psychotic.
528
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,027
What's your name again?
Mick?
529
00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:15,775
- Matt.
530
00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:18,745
- Mack, I'm out there onstage
killing, right?
531
00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:20,113
- Yeah.
532
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,285
- Meanwhile, I got friends
out in Hollywood,
533
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,783
terrible comics,
the worst,
534
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:27,083
just leaking
this derivative,
535
00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:30,456
pandering comedic pus,
you know?
536
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:32,458
But they're on sitcoms.
537
00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:33,584
- Sure.
538
00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:34,631
- They have infinity pools.
539
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:36,004
They're taking flying lessons.
540
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,256
I know a guy with
a Wiffle Ball stadium.
541
00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:39,802
- Yeah.
- Used to work here.
542
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:43,303
Now he's got a Wiffle Ball
stadium as a backyard.
543
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,519
It's malignant.
544
00:21:44,512 --> 00:21:45,513
- Yeah.
545
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:46,730
I know what you mean.
546
00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:48,190
- You see that woman
over there,
547
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:50,184
that mess with
the red roller suitcase?
548
00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:51,401
- Yeah.
549
00:21:51,393 --> 00:21:54,522
- That's my agent, Colleen.
Useless.
550
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:55,614
- Right.
551
00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:56,858
- I told her,
"Get me out of here.
552
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,655
Get me on the road.
Get me some gigs out there."
553
00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:01,279
Comes back to me with six gigs
spread across five states.
554
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,621
$150 a night.
555
00:22:02,613 --> 00:22:04,365
- Mm-hmm.
556
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:05,582
- Pathetic.
557
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:06,700
- Hey, Ian, hi.
558
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:07,872
- Hey, Colleen, how are you?
559
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:09,415
Thanks a lot
for those gigs last week.
560
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:10,458
- Hey, no problem.
561
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:11,671
- Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna go.
562
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,132
Maybe I'll give you a buzz
tomorrow.
563
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:14,500
- All right.
That'll be nice. Okay.
564
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,594
- Hey, I'm Matt.
565
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:17,837
- Hey, Matt.
566
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:18,838
- How are you?
567
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:19,885
- Good.
568
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:20,972
I-I saw you onstage.
569
00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,967
- Yeah. Cool. Cool.
570
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:24,014
- Yeah.
571
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,226
- Well, yeah, hey,
572
00:22:25,219 --> 00:22:26,892
if there's ever any, like,
small gigs or-
573
00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:29,185
or anything really kind of-
I'm around, just so you know.
574
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:31,525
- Yeah, well,
how much time can you do?
575
00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:32,564
- I don't know.
576
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,233
Probably, like,
15 minutes or so.
577
00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:36,105
- And he's great at hosting.
578
00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:37,482
He hosts here all the time.
579
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,199
And colleges-
do you ever book colleges?
580
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,443
- A few, yeah.
581
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:42,194
- Yeah, he's great
with college students.
582
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,242
They love him.
They find him very relatable.
583
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:46,957
- Well, here, Matt.
584
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:49,168
Call me when you have-
585
00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:50,581
when you want
to sit down and talk.
586
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:51,704
- Okay'
587
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:52,705
Great.
588
00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:54,048
- Yeah?
See you. Bye.
589
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,542
- Pandamiglio, we got
a situation in the bathroom.
590
00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:59,011
You're gonna need
the fuzzy mop.
591
00:22:59,003 --> 00:23:00,721
- Okay'
592
00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:02,761
Thanks for helping out
with the agent stuff.
593
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:06,932
You're just much better at
telling people what you want.
594
00:23:08,554 --> 00:23:11,273
- God, Butler really
is adorable, huh?
595
00:23:11,265 --> 00:23:12,767
- Which one's Butler?
596
00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:14,018
- Butler.
597
00:23:14,018 --> 00:23:15,861
- Butler, the-
Butler the baby.
598
00:23:15,853 --> 00:23:17,696
The baby, yeah, yeah,
the little baby we saw.
599
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:19,861
Yeah, no,
I think I blocked that out
600
00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:21,200
'cause I have
this fear of babies.
601
00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:22,613
Like, I always get worried-
602
00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:24,783
like, what happens
if I'm holding the baby
603
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:26,701
and then the baby just dies,
you know?
604
00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:29,745
- And then I killed the baby.
605
00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:30,743
- Right.
606
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:32,120
- And then-and-you know-
607
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:33,746
- Yeah, you're probably
not gonna get,
608
00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:35,293
like, a Christmas present
after that.
609
00:23:35,289 --> 00:23:36,791
- Exactly.
610
00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:38,758
Then, 'cause they'd be like,
"What do we get Matt?
611
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,048
Nothing.
Ha killed the baby
612
00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:41,921
And then if I ever want to,
like, adopt a baby,
613
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:44,424
they'll be like,
"Have you ever killed a baby?"
614
00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,016
And I'd just be like,
"Kind of."
615
00:23:46,008 --> 00:23:47,055
- Yeah.
616
00:23:57,436 --> 00:24:00,986
Do you think Butler
needs some buddies?
617
00:24:00,981 --> 00:24:02,449
- What?
618
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:03,784
- I don't know.
619
00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:07,451
I was just thinking maybe
Butler could use a buddy.
620
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,164
- I think he's got
a lot of buddies.
621
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:10,157
He seems like he's very-
622
00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:11,249
- No.
He's a loser.
623
00:24:11,241 --> 00:24:12,333
He doesn't have any friends.
624
00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:13,623
- No, he's got
a million friends.
625
00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:14,962
I see him on the street
every day.
626
00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:16,080
- Okay, well, someday,
627
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,707
we'll probably
make him a friend,
628
00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,299
so we may as well practice
tonight
629
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:22,465
- You know, I've been practicing
on my own.
630
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:23,929
- What are you doing?
631
00:24:23,921 --> 00:24:25,264
- I-I don't know.
632
00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:27,599
I'm just, like, um...
633
00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:31,971
I'm just, like, not into this
right now, intellectually.
634
00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:34,065
- Intellectually?
Are you serious?
635
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,808
- Kind of.
636
00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:38,027
Are you?
637
00:24:38,018 --> 00:24:39,520
- Kind of.
638
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,698
- I was-l was talking
to Janet today,
639
00:24:46,694 --> 00:24:49,117
and she was saying that,
last year,
640
00:24:49,113 --> 00:24:50,786
she and Philip
took a breather
641
00:24:50,781 --> 00:24:54,285
and that it was, like-
it made 'em closer.
642
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:56,252
- What?
643
00:24:56,245 --> 00:24:58,339
- Oh, no-it was just, like,
this thing that she said.
644
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:01,174
I just thought
it was interesting.
645
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,669
- Are you saying you think
we should do that?
646
00:25:03,669 --> 00:25:06,468
- No, no, no.
I'm saying they did that.
647
00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:08,136
- Do you want to have sex
with other people?
648
00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:09,349
- No.
649
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:10,843
- You want me to have sex
with other people?
650
00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:12,060
- No. No.
651
00:25:12,052 --> 00:25:14,896
I think theirs was, like,
a "no sex" breather.
652
00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:18,275
- That's ridiculous.
653
00:25:18,267 --> 00:25:19,769
If you don't want to be
with a person,
654
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:21,361
you should just break up
with 'em.
655
00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:23,105
- And that's what I said.
656
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:35,784
Ah!
657
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:44,046
- You did it, Matt.
658
00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,841
Third place.
659
00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:49,969
- Third place?
In what?
660
00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:52,138
I didn't even know
this was a competition.
661
00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:56,264
I would have had
more preparation.
662
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:59,437
Third place in what?
663
00:25:59,433 --> 00:26:01,276
- DustBustering.
664
00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:09,489
- Matt, it looks like
there's been a mistake.
665
00:26:09,485 --> 00:26:12,785
You actually got first place.
666
00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:15,579
You're so beautiful.
667
00:26:20,621 --> 00:26:21,998
- You have to move.
668
00:26:32,216 --> 00:26:40,192
J'!
669
00:26:41,517 --> 00:26:43,440
Thank you!
670
00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:45,563
Ow!
671
00:26:51,151 --> 00:26:52,994
- Matt?
672
00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:54,238
. Abby...
673
00:26:54,238 --> 00:26:55,956
- What happened?
674
00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:02,709
- I got first place.
675
00:27:02,704 --> 00:27:04,798
Ah. Ah.
676
00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:06,792
- I'll go get a Band-Aid.
677
00:27:10,921 --> 00:27:12,923
- This is the first time
I remember thinking,
678
00:27:12,923 --> 00:27:14,470
"Well, this seems dangerous.
679
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:15,968
Maybe I should see a doctor."
680
00:27:15,968 --> 00:27:19,814
And then I thought,
"Maybe I'll eat dinner."
681
00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:23,643
And I went with dinner.
682
00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:26,528
- Oh, and there's
one more thing.
683
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,488
Elaine from my swim club
684
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,697
bought a rice cooker.
685
00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:30,907
- Thank you, dear.
686
00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:32,492
- Well, I'm just telling them
because...
687
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:33,656
- I know.
- It's part of-
688
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,245
Oh, you have a-
they have a rice cooker.
689
00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:36,284
- Thank you.
690
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,328
- Oh, well,
we love the apartment.
691
00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:39,495
- Yeah.
692
00:27:39,491 --> 00:27:40,492
Yeah, yeah.
693
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:41,493
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
694
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:42,540
- You gonna fix it up?
695
00:27:42,536 --> 00:27:44,538
- Um, yeah, well,
we want to paint,
696
00:27:44,538 --> 00:27:47,337
and we want to maybe get some
curtains and that kind of thing.
697
00:27:47,332 --> 00:27:48,504
- Very busy.
698
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:50,468
- I think it's perfect.
I have to say.
699
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:51,552
- Linda, the dessert.
700
00:27:51,545 --> 00:27:54,799
- Oh, we're not having dessert-
- Hush.
701
00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:57,597
Your mother ordered a cake
from the Internet.
702
00:27:57,593 --> 00:27:59,937
Now sit.
703
00:27:59,928 --> 00:28:01,180
- Need some plates.
704
00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:02,306
Wow.
705
00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:04,559
- So, Matt, we, uh...
706
00:28:04,558 --> 00:28:07,732
We heard about
the DustBuster Olympics.
707
00:28:07,728 --> 00:28:09,025
You know, it's-
708
00:28:09,021 --> 00:28:11,023
Linda, can you get-
you have the book in your purse.
709
00:28:11,023 --> 00:28:12,696
Could you get the book for me,
please?
710
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:15,945
Yeah, I picked this up
for you.
711
00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:17,287
The Promise of Sleep.
712
00:28:17,279 --> 00:28:18,622
Got one for myself as well.
713
00:28:18,614 --> 00:28:19,706
- Oh, thanks.
714
00:28:19,698 --> 00:28:20,824
- Matt, can I see?
715
00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:22,371
That's great, Dr. Pandamiglio.
716
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:23,960
That's exactly the kind of thing
we need.
717
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,499
- There are some
dangerous situations
718
00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:26,872
you can get yourself into.
719
00:28:26,872 --> 00:28:28,624
You ought to see a specialist.
720
00:28:28,624 --> 00:28:29,876
- It was very minor.
721
00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:31,377
- It wasn't minor.
722
00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:32,798
- Well, I put in a call
to Dr. Latham.
723
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:34,546
He conducts these overnight
sleep studies.
724
00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:37,174
- I appreciate it, Dad,
but right now I'm really busy.
725
00:28:37,174 --> 00:28:39,176
- With what, folding napkins
into triangles?
726
00:28:39,176 --> 00:28:42,601
- This just doesn't seem like
a dinner conversation to me.
727
00:28:42,596 --> 00:28:44,894
- You know, Matthew, you say
you're gonna go see the doctor;
728
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,187
you don't.
729
00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:47,480
You say you want to be
a comedian;
730
00:28:47,476 --> 00:28:48,944
you're a bartender.
731
00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:51,780
I mean, pick a goddamn plan
and stick with it.
732
00:28:53,565 --> 00:28:57,991
- He's kidding,
not as funny as you.
733
00:28:57,986 --> 00:29:00,535
- You're not that funny.
734
00:29:00,530 --> 00:29:01,702
But the good news is,
735
00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:03,575
this business has nothing to do
with funny.
736
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:04,747
Some of these colleges,
737
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,837
I could book
a shining, blinking light
738
00:29:06,828 --> 00:29:09,422
or some confetti
falling from the ceiling,
739
00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:12,167
and most of these kids wouldn't
know the difference, really.
740
00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:13,589
- Right.
741
00:29:13,585 --> 00:29:16,589
- So, you know, the truth is,
Matt, that at your level,
742
00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:19,558
I don't have very much
right now.
743
00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:21,096
But give it a year or two.
744
00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:22,345
Stay in touch.
745
00:29:22,344 --> 00:29:24,563
- Yeah, I'll do any show.
746
00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:28,184
You know, I know
I'm, like, level zero.
747
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:32,689
- Well, I book a one-nighter
in Trenton on Tuesdays.
748
00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:36,032
But it's mostly headliners.
749
00:29:36,024 --> 00:29:40,120
And I have this gig at a college
upstate tonight.
750
00:29:40,112 --> 00:29:41,159
I was gonna book someone-
751
00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:42,451
- Yeah.
I mean, I could do that.
752
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:43,699
- Yeah, I know.
753
00:29:43,699 --> 00:29:46,418
But, you know,
it only pays $170.
754
00:29:46,410 --> 00:29:49,584
And that's probably what it
would cost you in tolls and gas.
755
00:29:49,579 --> 00:29:51,957
I mean,
do you even have a cal'?
756
00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:53,334
- Yeah.
757
00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:56,045
- You want it?
758
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:57,591
- Yeah.
759
00:29:57,587 --> 00:29:58,759
- All right.
760
00:30:00,007 --> 00:30:02,760
Should have told me
you had a car.
761
00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:04,181
Hey, Robbie.
762
00:30:04,177 --> 00:30:06,145
Listen, I have
this fantastic guy for you.
763
00:30:06,138 --> 00:30:08,015
Matt, uh...
764
00:30:08,015 --> 00:30:09,016
- Pandamiglio.
765
00:30:09,016 --> 00:30:11,690
- Panda, uh, piglio.
766
00:30:11,685 --> 00:30:12,777
Oh, no.
767
00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:13,986
Hilarious.
768
00:30:16,982 --> 00:30:19,076
J'!
769
00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:20,740
Continue straight.
770
00:30:20,736 --> 00:30:22,659
- Continue straight.
771
00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:25,032
- Release all that tension
that's down there
772
00:30:25,032 --> 00:30:28,127
in that lower back
that we hold on to so tightly.
773
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,089
Breathe that mountain air
into your lungs.
774
00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,472
And then release some sound.
775
00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:46,186
Yeah.
776
00:30:46,178 --> 00:30:48,021
Let's do some gentle
lip trills.
777
00:30:54,519 --> 00:30:55,896
- Hey, listen to this.
778
00:30:55,896 --> 00:30:59,196
That agent we met, Colleen,
booked me at a gig for tonight.
779
00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:00,909
It pays 170 bucks.
780
00:31:00,901 --> 00:31:01,948
- Yeah?
781
00:31:01,943 --> 00:31:03,365
What is it?
Where is it?
782
00:31:03,362 --> 00:31:05,831
- It's at this college
In Utica.
783
00:31:05,822 --> 00:31:07,495
- Oh.
Where are you?
784
00:31:07,491 --> 00:31:10,210
- I'm on the New York State
Thruway.
785
00:31:10,202 --> 00:31:12,580
- Who's driving?
786
00:31:12,579 --> 00:31:13,831
- Me.
787
00:31:13,830 --> 00:31:15,503
Continue straight.
788
00:31:15,499 --> 00:31:16,500
- Wait, did you call Ron?
789
00:31:16,500 --> 00:31:17,843
- For what?
790
00:31:17,834 --> 00:31:20,087
- Aren't you supposed to be
working dinner tonight?
791
00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:21,134
- Oh, I totally forgot.
792
00:31:21,129 --> 00:31:22,506
Okay, all right, I love you.
793
00:31:22,506 --> 00:31:24,133
All right, bye.
794
00:31:25,175 --> 00:31:26,176
- Union Hall.
795
00:31:26,176 --> 00:31:27,553
- Hey, Ron, it's Matt.
796
00:31:27,552 --> 00:31:28,769
- Pandamiglio, where are you?
797
00:31:28,762 --> 00:31:30,935
- I'm, uh-well, listen.
798
00:31:30,931 --> 00:31:33,400
I can't do my dinner shift
tonight
799
00:31:33,392 --> 00:31:34,644
- What do you mean?
800
00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,771
- Well, I got, like, a gig,
like, a paid gig.
801
00:31:36,770 --> 00:31:37,817
- You have a gig.
802
00:31:37,813 --> 00:31:39,065
It's called bartending.
803
00:31:39,064 --> 00:31:40,907
- Yeah, look.
I can get someone to fill In.
804
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,116
Let me just make some calls.
805
00:31:42,109 --> 00:31:43,281
- You know what?
Forget It.
806
00:31:43,276 --> 00:31:44,778
I'll do it myself.
807
00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:53,917
- Turn left
on University Boulevard.
808
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,756
- Ha, You don't know
how to pronounce "boulevard."
809
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:01,841
This is a pretty campus.
810
00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:02,884
It's nice.
811
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:04,051
- Yeah, we like it.
812
00:32:04,047 --> 00:32:07,392
So we kind of forgot
we booked a comedian.
813
00:32:07,384 --> 00:32:11,105
So now we've got you
and this lip sync contest.
814
00:32:11,096 --> 00:32:12,439
- Okay'
815
00:32:12,431 --> 00:32:15,275
- So I guess you could host
the lip sync contest.
816
00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:17,690
You could still do your act
or whatever
817
00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:19,939
but just introduce
the contestants.
818
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:21,360
It's a very popular event.
819
00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:22,448
- That sounds great.
820
00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:24,489
- Great.
821
00:32:24,484 --> 00:32:27,863
You know, this used to be
a very popular event.
822
00:32:27,863 --> 00:32:31,242
Last year, there were 19 entries
to this contest.
823
00:32:31,241 --> 00:32:34,290
And this year, there are two.
824
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:37,165
And, you know, we don't
have to have this contest
825
00:32:37,164 --> 00:32:40,668
if you don't want to have it.
826
00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:43,511
I'm not doing it for me.
827
00:32:43,503 --> 00:32:45,346
I'm doing it for you.
828
00:32:48,133 --> 00:32:52,263
And now the big comedian,
Matt Pandapiglio.
829
00:32:58,518 --> 00:32:59,565
- Hey-
830
00:32:59,561 --> 00:33:01,313
That's not really my name.
831
00:33:01,313 --> 00:33:03,657
But...
832
00:33:03,648 --> 00:33:05,446
Y'all ready to lip sync?
833
00:33:07,444 --> 00:33:10,789
- I can't hear you.
834
00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:15,001
That's my lip sync joke.
835
00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,666
Okay.
836
00:33:16,661 --> 00:33:21,167
Well, please welcome our first
contestant, Hilary Garnick!
837
00:33:21,166 --> 00:33:23,965
- J' When I say J'
838
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:28,261
J' I want it that way J'
839
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:30,475
J' Well, we J'
840
00:33:30,467 --> 00:33:33,016
J' Are two worlds J'
841
00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:35,434
J' Apart J'
842
00:33:35,430 --> 00:33:37,899
J' Can't reach to J'
843
00:33:37,891 --> 00:33:40,314
J' Your heart J'
844
00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:43,109
J' When you say J'
845
00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:47,530
J' That I want it that way J'
846
00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:48,869
J' Tell me why J'
847
00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:50,533
J' Ain't nothin' but a... J'
848
00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:52,531
- It's so cool
that you're a comedian
849
00:33:52,531 --> 00:33:54,374
I mean, I can't even
imagine that.
850
00:33:54,366 --> 00:33:56,994
You know, your whole job's
to tell jokes, right?
851
00:33:56,993 --> 00:33:58,870
How do you even do that?
852
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,713
- I don't even know.
853
00:34:00,705 --> 00:34:02,207
- Here you go.
854
00:34:02,207 --> 00:34:06,883
- J' I want it that way J'
855
00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:09,222
.l"Am .l'
856
00:34:09,214 --> 00:34:11,683
J' Your fire? J'
857
00:34:11,675 --> 00:34:14,269
J' Your one J'
858
00:34:14,261 --> 00:34:16,514
J' Desire? J'
859
00:34:16,513 --> 00:34:18,982
J' Yes, I know J'
860
00:34:18,974 --> 00:34:21,727
J' It's too late J'
861
00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:25,981
J' But I want it that way J'
862
00:34:25,981 --> 00:34:27,233
J' Tell me why J'
863
00:34:27,232 --> 00:34:30,236
J' Ain't nothin'
but a heartache J'
864
00:34:30,235 --> 00:34:32,408
J' Tell me why J'
865
00:34:32,404 --> 00:34:36,625
J' Ain't nothin'
but a mistake J'
866
00:34:36,616 --> 00:34:40,086
- "David and his men
were in the Wilderness of Maon
867
00:34:40,078 --> 00:34:42,922
in the plain on the south
of Jeshimon."
868
00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:46,293
- J' I want it that way J'
869
00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:49,220
- Pizza Shack.
870
00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:51,431
- Hey, do you cut your slices
into triangles or squares?
871
00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:52,424
- Triangles.
872
00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:53,471
- Okay, good.
873
00:34:53,466 --> 00:34:55,059
In the picture,
it looked like squares.
874
00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:58,226
- J' No matter the distance J'
875
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,724
J' I want you to know J'
876
00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:02,101
J' That deep down inside... J'
877
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,023
- So I guess the car
made it back to the city?
878
00:35:04,019 --> 00:35:05,521
- Yeah. Yeah.
879
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:06,772
- Okay'
880
00:35:06,771 --> 00:35:08,523
Well, well, have you read
any of the book yet?
881
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:10,196
- Thanks.
Um, yeah.
882
00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:12,865
- Well, I'm reading
this interesting section.
883
00:35:12,861 --> 00:35:16,161
It says that to avoid
these kinds of situations,
884
00:35:16,156 --> 00:35:19,126
you need to think of sleep
as a gradual power-down.
885
00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:22,621
So a few hours before bed,
turn off your phone,
886
00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:24,965
turn off the news,
the Internet,
887
00:35:24,956 --> 00:35:26,674
and don't eat big meals.
888
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:28,088
- Yeah, definitely.
889
00:35:28,084 --> 00:35:31,008
- Matthew, I'm gonna get you
some aromatherapy, okay?
890
00:35:31,004 --> 00:35:32,221
- Oh, damn it, Linda.
891
00:35:32,213 --> 00:35:34,136
Hang up the goddamn phone.
892
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:37,887
' Why are you yelling?
893
00:35:37,886 --> 00:35:39,763
All right, look,
I made you an appointment
894
00:35:39,763 --> 00:35:42,061
with Dr. Latham
for a sleep study on June 20th.
895
00:35:42,057 --> 00:35:44,185
- Okay, I could have
done that myself, Dad.
896
00:35:44,184 --> 00:35:46,152
I can call.
897
00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:47,191
- It's okay.
I made it.
898
00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:48,484
Did you write it down,
the 20th?
899
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:49,572
- Yeah.
900
00:35:49,564 --> 00:35:51,237
- I don't think
you're writing it.
901
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:56,495
- I wrote it again.
- Good.
902
00:35:56,488 --> 00:35:58,206
You have a good night.
Try to get some sleep.
903
00:35:58,198 --> 00:35:59,666
- All right.
Thanks, Dad.
904
00:35:59,658 --> 00:36:00,830
All right, bye.
905
00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:03,544
Hey, listen to this,
from Colleen.
906
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:05,504
"We had a fall-out at
a comedy club tomorrow night
907
00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:06,669
"in Burlington, Vermont.
908
00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:07,837
Pays 50 bucks."
909
00:36:07,832 --> 00:36:09,004
This is amazing.
910
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,502
- Cool.
911
00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:11,845
So you'll be home Sunday,
then?
912
00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:13,213
- Yeah, I think so.
913
00:36:13,213 --> 00:36:16,558
And listen to this.
I get to open for Marc Mulheren.
914
00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:18,096
- How far is Burlington?
915
00:36:18,093 --> 00:36:21,017
- It's, um...
916
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:22,355
It's on the way.
917
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:26,856
All right, love you.
918
00:36:29,854 --> 00:36:37,864
J'!
919
00:36:47,539 --> 00:36:48,882
What do you mean by that?
920
00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:02,395
Um, would it be possible
for you
921
00:37:02,387 --> 00:37:05,516
to take me to The Comedy Factory
In Burlington?
922
00:37:05,515 --> 00:37:06,687
- No.
923
00:37:06,683 --> 00:37:09,106
I can take you to the garage
down the road.
924
00:37:09,102 --> 00:37:10,354
- All right.
925
00:37:10,353 --> 00:37:12,105
Um, listen.
926
00:37:12,105 --> 00:37:15,325
I'm really late
for this gig, so, like,
927
00:37:15,316 --> 00:37:18,536
if there's anything
I can do, like-
928
00:37:18,528 --> 00:37:22,032
Well...okay.
929
00:37:22,031 --> 00:37:23,499
Is that how much it costs?
930
00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:25,038
- This is fine.
931
00:37:25,034 --> 00:37:27,628
- All right.
932
00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:28,792
Okay.
933
00:37:31,750 --> 00:37:35,300
One thing I should tell you
is that Colleen had asked me
934
00:37:35,295 --> 00:37:38,344
if I could perform 30 minutes
of comedy for this gig.
935
00:37:38,339 --> 00:37:40,592
Now, what I should
have said was,
936
00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:43,141
"I only have about 11 minutes
of material, tops."
937
00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:46,766
And what I did say was,
"Yeah."
938
00:37:46,765 --> 00:37:51,521
- So is that Band-Aid
part of the act?
939
00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:53,317
No? You're not
the head wound comic?
940
00:37:53,313 --> 00:37:54,610
It's not your tag?
941
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:56,279
You know, "I got a head wound,"
after every joke?
942
00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:57,400
Is that you?
943
00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:58,492
- No, look, I got to be honest
with you.
944
00:37:58,485 --> 00:37:59,657
She wants me to do
a half hour.
945
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:01,199
I only have, like,
ten minutes of material.
946
00:38:01,196 --> 00:38:02,322
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
947
00:38:02,322 --> 00:38:04,495
- Really?
Wow.
948
00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:06,619
You're gonna have to fill out
that time somehow, man.
949
00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:08,291
Do some crowd work.
Talk to the audience.
950
00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:09,503
Make fun of people.
951
00:38:09,496 --> 00:38:11,339
- Whenever I make fun of people,
they punch me.
952
00:38:11,331 --> 00:38:12,457
- Uh-huh.
953
00:38:12,457 --> 00:38:13,800
- Matt, we're bringing you
on now.
954
00:38:26,471 --> 00:38:27,848
- Don't do that onstage.
955
00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:29,440
- Thanks.
956
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:31,105
- Unless it's your closer.
957
00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,775
- I was thinking about
Cookie Monster, you know?
958
00:38:34,771 --> 00:38:38,526
And do you think this guy's got
an eating disorder, you know?
959
00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:44,239
Nice shirt, loser.
960
00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:48,834
Sorry.
961
00:38:48,827 --> 00:38:49,919
No, I like it.
962
00:38:49,911 --> 00:38:51,379
It's nice.
963
00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:53,339
Sorry.
964
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:55,299
Anyway, I was watching
a lot of TV this week.
965
00:39:01,256 --> 00:39:03,679
- Is that bit you do
about teenagers really real?
966
00:39:05,635 --> 00:39:06,682
Yeah.
967
00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:11,357
- Hey, you did okay, man.
968
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,896
- Yeah?
969
00:39:12,892 --> 00:39:14,109
- Well, I-you know.
970
00:39:14,102 --> 00:39:16,855
"Okay" is kind of a strong word
but...
971
00:39:16,855 --> 00:39:19,028
You tanked.
972
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:20,696
I thought it was funny,
but I'm a comic.
973
00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:22,410
I'm sick, so...
974
00:39:22,402 --> 00:39:23,699
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
975
00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:26,073
- Right.
976
00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:28,245
- You just got to keep telling
yourself you're killing,
977
00:39:28,241 --> 00:39:29,743
and it will all
fall into place.
978
00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:31,244
You'll figure it out.
979
00:39:31,244 --> 00:39:32,291
- Thanks.
980
00:39:34,539 --> 00:39:35,711
- You married or...
981
00:39:35,707 --> 00:39:37,584
- Um, no.
982
00:39:37,584 --> 00:39:38,801
I-well, kind of.
983
00:39:38,793 --> 00:39:40,386
I-I don't know.
984
00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:43,382
I have a girlfriend but-
it's serious, you know.
985
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:45,725
It's just-
986
00:39:45,717 --> 00:39:47,845
You know, it's-we've been
together for a long time-
987
00:39:47,844 --> 00:39:49,312
- You all right, man?
- Yeah, yeah.
988
00:39:49,304 --> 00:39:51,147
It's just, you know-
I'm just-I've decided
989
00:39:51,139 --> 00:39:54,643
I'm not gonna get married
until I'm sure
990
00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:57,270
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.
991
00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:01,654
You should say that onstage.
992
00:40:01,649 --> 00:40:02,741
- Yeah.
993
00:40:02,734 --> 00:40:04,281
That wouldn't go over so well
at home.
994
00:40:04,277 --> 00:40:07,622
- We're not at home.
995
00:40:07,614 --> 00:40:10,242
- Are you married?
996
00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:11,584
- Kind of.
997
00:40:20,627 --> 00:40:22,049
- Hey, Colleen.
998
00:40:22,045 --> 00:40:24,594
- Hey, listen, we got great
feedback on you last night.
999
00:40:24,589 --> 00:40:25,715
- Yeah?
1000
00:40:25,715 --> 00:40:27,137
- Well, no, not really.
1001
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:29,761
But Marc recommended you
for a gig
1002
00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:31,604
in Philadelphia on the 20th.
1003
00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:33,143
- Oh, yeah?
He liked my act?
1004
00:40:33,139 --> 00:40:34,482
- Well, no.
No.
1005
00:40:34,474 --> 00:40:36,317
But he thought it would be...
1006
00:40:36,309 --> 00:40:37,481
He thought you'd be great
1007
00:40:37,477 --> 00:40:39,150
taking the bullet
for other comedians.
1008
00:40:39,145 --> 00:40:41,147
- That's great.
1009
00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:43,616
The 20th, yeah.
1010
00:40:43,608 --> 00:40:44,700
That's great.
1011
00:40:44,692 --> 00:40:45,944
- Well, cool.
1012
00:40:45,944 --> 00:40:47,617
Listen, I'll email you
the details, okay?
1013
00:40:47,612 --> 00:40:53,460
- I was-l was at the zoo,
and I-
1014
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,374
One of-
I was at The National Zoo,
1015
00:40:55,370 --> 00:40:56,792
and they have
the panda bear there,
1016
00:40:56,788 --> 00:41:00,759
you know, Ling-Ling,
I think, is from China.
1017
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:02,923
And the...
1018
00:41:02,919 --> 00:41:04,421
You know, they're having
a hard time
1019
00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:07,424
getting the pandas to mate,
you know, the-
1020
00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:10,802
trying to get them
to mate with each other.
1021
00:41:10,802 --> 00:41:12,554
- Next.
1022
00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:19,978
- Okay'
1023
00:41:34,867 --> 00:41:39,714
I've been having some issues
in my relationship
1024
00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:42,004
with my girlfriend lately
where, like-
1025
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:44,594
I think she wants to get
married, you know?
1026
00:41:44,585 --> 00:41:47,008
And I've decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure
1027
00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:50,350
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.
1028
00:41:52,301 --> 00:41:54,804
And, you know,
my girlfriend and I worry
1029
00:41:54,804 --> 00:41:56,306
about different things.
1030
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:58,307
You know, one day I said,
"What do you fear most?"
1031
00:41:58,307 --> 00:42:00,275
And she said, "I fear
you'll meet someone else
1032
00:42:00,268 --> 00:42:02,020
and you'll leave me
and I'll be all alone."
1033
00:42:02,020 --> 00:42:03,613
And she said,
"What do you fear most?"
1034
00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:05,652
And I said, "Bears."
1035
00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:13,072
Thanks, man.
1036
00:42:13,072 --> 00:42:14,198
- Yeah.
Nice work tonight.
1037
00:42:14,198 --> 00:42:15,495
- Thanks.
1038
00:42:17,326 --> 00:42:20,000
$23?
Is that-
1039
00:42:19,996 --> 00:42:21,964
I don't want to be a dick,
but I thought it was $50.
1040
00:42:21,956 --> 00:42:23,128
- That was if we sold out.
1041
00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:25,047
31 paid, 25 comps.
1042
00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:27,341
That's $360
with a 50-50 house split.
1043
00:42:27,336 --> 00:42:29,134
I've got to pay
the headliner $150.
1044
00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:31,804
You get the rest.
1045
00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:33,767
- That's still, like, 30 bucks.
1046
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:35,558
- 7 bucks
for the chicken fingers.
1047
00:42:38,598 --> 00:42:40,771
- I'm not paying for those
fucking chicken fingers.
1048
00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:44,112
You should be ashamed
to charge people for those.
1049
00:42:44,103 --> 00:42:45,946
- All right.
1050
00:42:49,776 --> 00:42:50,902
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
1051
00:42:50,902 --> 00:42:51,903
- How'd it go?
1052
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,029
- It was great.
1053
00:42:53,029 --> 00:42:56,454
Like, I met
all these other comics.
1054
00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:58,793
I tried out
all this new material.
1055
00:42:58,785 --> 00:43:00,332
You would have been
really proud.
1056
00:43:00,328 --> 00:43:02,205
- Hey, I can't really hear you.
1057
00:43:02,205 --> 00:43:04,207
What was the new material?
1058
00:43:04,207 --> 00:43:06,255
- It was just, like-
1059
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:09,003
it was, like, a lot of stuff.
1060
00:43:09,003 --> 00:43:11,631
I'll tell you about it later,
but where are you?
1061
00:43:11,631 --> 00:43:15,386
- Oh, we're-no, we're all at
this bar that Hannah found.
1062
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:16,931
We're playing Drunkerdash.
1063
00:43:16,928 --> 00:43:18,430
- What's that?
1064
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:23,060
- It's-you know, it's just
Balderdash but drunk.
1065
00:43:23,059 --> 00:43:26,029
I came up with a really good
definition for codswallop.
1066
00:43:26,020 --> 00:43:27,112
- What?
1067
00:43:27,105 --> 00:43:28,448
- Codswallop!
1068
00:43:28,439 --> 00:43:29,782
- What?
- See If you can get It.
1069
00:43:29,774 --> 00:43:31,117
Here.
1070
00:43:31,109 --> 00:43:33,783
A, a rock formation
found only in Iceland,
1071
00:43:33,778 --> 00:43:35,451
or, B, a sticky situation.
1072
00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:36,868
- I knew it.
1073
00:43:36,864 --> 00:43:37,865
I knew that.
1074
00:43:37,865 --> 00:43:38,866
- You didn't know.
1075
00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:39,867
- Yes, I did.
1076
00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:41,084
- You should have said it, then.
1077
00:43:41,077 --> 00:43:43,125
- I was ordering fries.
1078
00:43:43,121 --> 00:43:44,873
- Are you talking to me?
1079
00:43:44,872 --> 00:43:46,294
- No.
That's just Dave.
1080
00:43:46,290 --> 00:43:47,507
You got to meet him.
1081
00:43:47,500 --> 00:43:49,502
- If you go outside
and I'll go outside,
1082
00:43:49,502 --> 00:43:51,254
then maybe we can
hear each other better.
1083
00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:52,801
- Oh, babe, I-
I really can't hear you.
1084
00:43:52,797 --> 00:43:53,923
- Okay'
1085
00:43:53,923 --> 00:43:55,596
I'll talk to you later.
1086
00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,762
Hey, I'll have another one,
you guys.
1087
00:43:59,762 --> 00:44:02,106
- The thing is, he definitely
does not have a parking...
1088
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:07,691
I actually had a crazy gig once
where these two orthodox Jews
1089
00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:10,657
had asked me if I would perform
at, like, their art gallery.
1090
00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,116
- Yeah.
1091
00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:13,951
- They told me there were gonna
be hundreds of people there.
1092
00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:15,616
And then I go,
and it's just...
1093
00:44:15,611 --> 00:44:17,409
- Is it okay?
- Yeah, yeah, go for It.
1094
00:44:17,405 --> 00:44:19,658
- It's just their apartment,
and it's just them.
1095
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,000
- Yeah.
So it wasn't, II Ice, a show.
1096
00:44:20,992 --> 00:44:23,336
- No.
- It was like a conversation
1097
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:25,750
- It was more like
a quiet conversation.
1098
00:44:25,746 --> 00:44:26,998
- I did this one show.
1099
00:44:26,998 --> 00:44:29,797
It was in the parking lot
of a Home Depot.
1100
00:44:29,792 --> 00:44:31,339
The only people
we're performing for
1101
00:44:31,335 --> 00:44:35,181
are, like, the migrant workers
who are just hanging out there.
1102
00:44:35,173 --> 00:44:36,891
I'm going up last,
1103
00:44:36,883 --> 00:44:39,682
and I'm watching every other
comic just eat it, just tank.
1104
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:40,974
But I'm thinking, like,
1105
00:44:40,970 --> 00:44:42,972
I want to get some response
from these people.
1106
00:44:42,972 --> 00:44:44,849
Like, I should close strong.
1107
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:47,943
What Spanish do I know?
1108
00:44:47,935 --> 00:44:49,312
And I'm like, "I know.
1109
00:44:49,312 --> 00:44:50,859
I'll say,
Long live the Immigrant."
1110
00:44:50,855 --> 00:44:53,074
And I'm like, "All right,
everybody, this has been fun.
1111
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:54,487
Viva La Migra, "
1112
00:44:54,483 --> 00:44:57,236
which is, "Long live
the immigration police."
1113
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:03,418
- Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash
with these guys tonight.
1114
00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:06,913
And I will be-yeah, I'll be
home in the morning.
1115
00:45:06,913 --> 00:45:08,460
All right.
1116
00:45:08,456 --> 00:45:11,130
All right, I love you.
1117
00:45:11,125 --> 00:45:12,297
Bye.
1118
00:45:12,293 --> 00:45:13,510
- Hey, man, how you feeling?
1119
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:14,754
- Oh, I'm good.
I'm good.
1120
00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:16,381
I'm just-l'm stuffed.
1121
00:45:16,380 --> 00:45:17,427
You know, that pizza and-
1122
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:18,675
- Oh, yeah, me too.
1123
00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:19,846
It's good, though.
I love It.
1124
00:45:19,842 --> 00:45:21,185
- Yeah.
- Helps me sleep.
1125
00:45:21,177 --> 00:45:22,724
- Yeah.
1126
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,393
- You know how they have
those neck pillows
1127
00:45:24,388 --> 00:45:26,186
that they have on the plane
that people wear?
1128
00:45:26,182 --> 00:45:27,900
I think it'd be great
if you had one of those,
1129
00:45:27,892 --> 00:45:29,894
but it's made out of pizza,
and so you just sit there
1130
00:45:29,894 --> 00:45:31,896
and gnaw on the pizza
and then fall asleep with that.
1131
00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:33,318
- Yeah, that's
a really good idea.
1132
00:45:33,314 --> 00:45:35,157
- Yeah, I'm gonna try to do
something with it.
1133
00:45:35,149 --> 00:45:38,153
No, hey, by the way, I think
Lynn is diggin' you, man.
1134
00:45:38,152 --> 00:45:39,654
' Oh, Lynn?
1135
00:45:39,654 --> 00:45:41,031
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1136
00:45:41,030 --> 00:45:43,078
- I think you could make out
with her if you wanted to.
1137
00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:44,291
- Yeah, no,
I have a girlfriend.
1138
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:45,375
- Oh, you really do?
- Yeah.
1139
00:45:45,368 --> 00:45:47,086
- On.
1140
00:45:47,078 --> 00:45:48,421
So all those jokes
are true or...
1141
00:45:48,412 --> 00:45:50,540
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, wow.
1142
00:45:50,539 --> 00:45:52,166
Has she heard the jokes?
1143
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:53,918
- No.
1144
00:45:53,918 --> 00:45:57,343
- No, you should
probably mention it.
1145
00:45:57,338 --> 00:45:58,715
- I wrote a letter to my dad.
1146
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:00,557
I was gonna write,
"I really enjoy being here,"
1147
00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:03,803
but I accidentally wrote
"rarely" instead of "really. "
1148
00:46:03,803 --> 00:46:04,804
And I wanted to use it.
1149
00:46:04,804 --> 00:46:06,181
I didn't want to cross it out.
1150
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:11,027
So I wrote, "I rarely drive
steamboats, Dad.
1151
00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:15,023
"Then-2% a lot of shit
you don't know about me
1152
00:46:15,022 --> 00:46:17,150
Quit trying to act like
I'm a steamboat operator. "
1153
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:25,700
Why'd you take off your glasses?
1154
00:46:25,700 --> 00:46:27,873
- Just 'cause if we're really
gonna do this,
1155
00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:30,792
I don't want to be able
to see you.
1156
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:33,166
- Okay'
1157
00:46:33,165 --> 00:46:35,759
I don't know if this
is such a good idea.
1158
00:46:35,751 --> 00:46:37,503
I have a girlfriend.
1159
00:46:39,171 --> 00:46:41,515
Matt...
1160
00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:44,761
This just is what it is,
you know?
1161
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:46,808
We're here.
1162
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:49,057
Are you really gonna
deny yourself the experience
1163
00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:52,230
of just being in
the present?
1164
00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:54,069
- I guess so.
1165
00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:58,862
- This will make you
more comfortable.
1166
00:47:05,114 --> 00:47:07,788
- What is that?
1167
00:47:07,783 --> 00:47:10,627
- It's a pizza pillow.
1168
00:47:15,958 --> 00:47:17,084
- It's very good.
1169
00:47:17,084 --> 00:47:19,337
- Yeah, you like it?
1170
00:47:19,337 --> 00:47:21,510
- Yeah.
I like the sauce.
1171
00:47:21,505 --> 00:47:22,677
- Oh, yeah?
Do you want more-
1172
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:23,925
- The sauce is very good,
yeah.
1173
00:47:23,924 --> 00:47:25,551
- Yeah, it is good sauce.
1174
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:27,599
Do you want more sauce?
1175
00:47:27,595 --> 00:47:28,847
- Yeah, more sauce.
1176
00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:29,893
- Okay'
1177
00:47:29,889 --> 00:47:31,015
I'll go get you more sauce.
1178
00:47:31,015 --> 00:47:33,313
- Okay-
- Okay'
1179
00:47:37,897 --> 00:47:39,319
- Whoa!
1180
00:47:41,192 --> 00:47:44,071
Hey, I love the sauce.
1181
00:47:44,070 --> 00:47:45,572
It is very good sauce.
1182
00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:47,164
- Do you like the sauce?
1183
00:47:47,156 --> 00:47:49,830
- It's too hot!
1184
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:51,623
The sauce is too hot!
1185
00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:53,542
It's too hot!
1186
00:47:53,537 --> 00:47:57,713
Ah, the-l like the sauce,
but it's too hot!
1187
00:48:00,211 --> 00:48:01,554
- Hey, what are you doing, man?
1188
00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:03,218
Are you taking a shower?
1189
00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:07,226
- Yeah.
1190
00:48:07,218 --> 00:48:09,391
Sorry about that.
1191
00:48:09,387 --> 00:48:11,389
Just had a weird dream.
1192
00:48:11,389 --> 00:48:13,062
- Yeah, well, you know,
you're not supposed
1193
00:48:13,057 --> 00:48:14,479
to actually act them out
like that.
1194
00:48:14,475 --> 00:48:15,727
They're like movies, you know?
1195
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:17,478
You just sort of watch 'em.
1196
00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:25,907
- Matt, I got
a run of dates for you.
1197
00:48:25,903 --> 00:48:27,450
It's gonna hurt,
but you'll make
1198
00:48:27,446 --> 00:48:29,790
about 900 bucks
for six days of shows.
1199
00:48:29,782 --> 00:48:31,079
- Oh, that sounds perfect.
1200
00:48:31,075 --> 00:48:34,750
- Well, it's Hartford, Canton,
Lancaster...
1201
00:48:34,745 --> 00:48:36,747
- And I think that
she wants to get married.
1202
00:48:36,747 --> 00:48:41,253
And I just decided I shouldn't
get married until I'm sure
1203
00:48:41,252 --> 00:48:44,552
that nothing else good
can happen in my life.
1204
00:48:44,547 --> 00:48:46,891
You know, I mean,
I just have this fear
1205
00:48:46,882 --> 00:48:48,759
that marriage
might be like school.
1206
00:48:48,759 --> 00:48:50,761
You know how when you're
real little and you think,
1207
00:48:50,761 --> 00:48:52,934
"Maybe some day
I'll get to go to school."
1208
00:48:54,265 --> 00:48:57,314
And then you go to school,
1209
00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:59,903
and that first week,
you're just like,
1210
00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:03,945
"How much longer
do I have to go to school?"
1211
00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:06,740
And they're like,
"17 more years."
1212
00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:09,079
And you're like, "Oh, no."
1213
00:49:10,156 --> 00:49:12,158
Colleen booked me.
1214
00:49:12,158 --> 00:49:13,410
It's good, right?
1215
00:49:13,409 --> 00:49:16,834
I mean, is that-
is that cool?
1216
00:49:16,829 --> 00:49:17,921
- Yeah. Yeah.
1217
00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:19,290
That's gonna be great for you.
1218
00:49:19,290 --> 00:49:20,462
Great.
1219
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,085
- Yeah, it's good, right?
1220
00:49:22,084 --> 00:49:24,132
Do you want to come?
1221
00:49:24,128 --> 00:49:26,005
- To Lancaster?
1222
00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:27,302
I'm good.
1223
00:49:27,298 --> 00:49:30,472
- My parents have been together
40 years, which is-
1224
00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:32,846
Yeah, no, but it's too long.
1225
00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:36,099
I think if the people
who invented marriage
1226
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,975
knew that people were gonna be
married 40 years,
1227
00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:40,444
they'd be like, "Well, this
isn't what we intended at all."
1228
00:49:40,436 --> 00:49:43,656
You know, back then,
people only lived to be 40,
1229
00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:44,899
if they were lucky.
1230
00:49:44,899 --> 00:49:46,276
They'd be so confused.
1231
00:49:46,275 --> 00:49:48,494
They'd be like, "When were
they married, as babies?
1232
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:51,706
I don't approve of babies
marrying one another."
1233
00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:54,667
Like, you ever think
about that?
1234
00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:56,080
Hello?
1235
00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:57,953
- Hi, Matt, it's Dawn
from Dr. Latham's office.
1236
00:49:57,953 --> 00:49:59,546
You missed your sleep study.
1237
00:49:59,538 --> 00:50:01,540
Oh, right. Sorry.
1238
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:03,759
Okay, listen, can I call you
back in, like, two minutes?
1239
00:50:03,751 --> 00:50:05,128
- Sure.
1240
00:50:05,127 --> 00:50:07,255
- You ever think about that,
that maybe in the future,
1241
00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:08,676
marriage will be
the new divorce?
1242
00:50:08,672 --> 00:50:10,640
People will be like,
"Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.
1243
00:50:10,633 --> 00:50:12,510
My parents
are still together."
1244
00:50:12,510 --> 00:50:15,104
And people will be like,
"Wow, sounds really hard.
1245
00:50:15,095 --> 00:50:17,268
Is it a first marriage?"
1246
00:50:17,264 --> 00:50:18,686
And they'll be like, "Yeah."
1247
00:50:18,682 --> 00:50:20,309
I always have this fear
in relationships
1248
00:50:20,309 --> 00:50:23,313
that I'm gonna love someone
and then eventually hate them.
1249
00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:48,716
Before I tell you
this part of the story,
1250
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:52,592
I want to remind you
that you're on my side.
1251
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:53,683
Thank you guys very much.
1252
00:50:53,676 --> 00:50:54,723
I really appreciate it.
1253
00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:55,810
Thank you.
1254
00:50:57,930 --> 00:50:59,773
I'm on the road
for about six weeks,
1255
00:50:59,765 --> 00:51:03,315
and one night, I'm backstage
at a comedy club in Ohio.
1256
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:07,899
- Hey, I'm closing out my tabs
for the night.
1257
00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:09,150
You want another drink?
1258
00:51:09,149 --> 00:51:11,072
Or another appetizer
or entree?
1259
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:12,240
- Am I eating that much?
1260
00:51:12,236 --> 00:51:13,283
That's embarrassing.
1261
00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:14,496
- Are you kidding?
1262
00:51:14,488 --> 00:51:16,081
You haven't even tried
our popcorn yet.
1263
00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:17,416
- I'm saving room
for the popcorn.
1264
00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:19,410
I heard it's imported
from a carnival.
1265
00:51:22,496 --> 00:51:24,498
Who you writing to?
1266
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:26,592
- Oh, this is to my girlfriend.
1267
00:51:26,584 --> 00:51:27,836
- You have a girlfriend.
1268
00:51:27,835 --> 00:51:29,553
- Yeah, yeah, we've been
together since-
1269
00:51:29,545 --> 00:51:30,888
- That's cool.
1270
00:51:30,879 --> 00:51:32,631
So tell me if you think
this ls crazy.
1271
00:51:32,631 --> 00:51:35,475
My other job is at Hooters,
which is really crazy
1272
00:51:35,467 --> 00:51:38,641
because one of my boobs
is bigger than the other boob.
1273
00:51:38,637 --> 00:51:41,436
Isn't that crazy?
1274
00:51:41,432 --> 00:51:43,184
- Yeah.
1275
00:51:43,183 --> 00:51:46,403
- Do you want to see them?
1276
00:51:46,395 --> 00:51:47,942
- Your boobs?
1277
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,611
- Yeah.
1278
00:51:52,109 --> 00:51:53,201
- Yeah.
1279
00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:55,412
- Cool.
1280
00:51:55,404 --> 00:51:57,702
- Oh, I mean, not-
1281
00:51:57,698 --> 00:51:59,371
You know,
I didn't think you ware-
1282
00:51:59,366 --> 00:52:00,583
I thought you were kidding.
1283
00:52:00,576 --> 00:52:02,123
I didn't know
you were actually gonna-
1284
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:03,211
you know, I didn't know
1285
00:52:03,203 --> 00:52:04,876
you were gonna actually
do it right now.
1286
00:52:04,872 --> 00:52:06,499
You know, there's just-
1287
00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:07,624
There's people here.
1288
00:52:07,625 --> 00:52:08,797
I don't think that's a good-
1289
00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:10,339
- Oh, no.
gone.
1290
00:52:10,336 --> 00:52:12,509
- Oh, well-
1291
00:52:12,504 --> 00:52:14,552
Mm.
1292
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:17,722
I don't want to-l have-
sorry, I have-I-
1293
00:52:17,718 --> 00:52:19,470
- What are you doing?
1294
00:52:19,470 --> 00:52:20,642
- Sorry.
l-
1295
00:52:20,638 --> 00:52:22,766
Sometimes I have
this trouble breathing.
1296
00:52:22,765 --> 00:52:25,894
I have a girlfriend, and I
probably shouldn't be here and-
1297
00:52:25,893 --> 00:52:27,987
- Yeah, no, I know the drill.
1298
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:30,982
- I did not know the drill.
1299
00:52:30,981 --> 00:52:34,576
But I knew I shouldn't be there,
and so I left the situation.
1300
00:52:34,568 --> 00:52:38,198
And a few hours later,
after several drinks...
1301
00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:40,541
I reentered the situation.
1302
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:48,757
And the next day, I drove
to my sister Janet's wedding.
1303
00:52:50,709 --> 00:52:53,053
- So how was your trip?
1304
00:52:53,045 --> 00:52:54,137
- It was good.
1305
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:55,301
It was good.
1306
00:52:55,297 --> 00:52:57,220
- Yeah?
Did anything happen?
1307
00:52:57,216 --> 00:52:58,718
- What do you mean?
1308
00:52:58,717 --> 00:52:59,809
- I don't know.
1309
00:52:59,802 --> 00:53:01,520
You're just acting
kind of weird.
1310
00:53:01,512 --> 00:53:02,764
- I think you're acting weird.
1311
00:53:02,763 --> 00:53:03,935
- Really? How?
1312
00:53:03,931 --> 00:53:06,434
- By asking me how my trip was.
1313
00:53:09,353 --> 00:53:12,857
And I felt guilt and shame.
1314
00:53:14,692 --> 00:53:19,949
But I also felt like this kind
of thing might happen again.
1315
00:53:19,947 --> 00:53:23,542
And I knew I shouldn't be
getting married.
1316
00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:25,753
- And you may kiss.
1317
00:53:38,424 --> 00:53:41,769
- Your mother and I did this
40 years ago.
1318
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:52,230
At a certain point,
you got to zig or zag.
1319
00:54:00,696 --> 00:54:02,039
- All right.
1320
00:54:02,030 --> 00:54:03,452
Mom, Mom, a little closer,
please.
1321
00:54:03,449 --> 00:54:05,292
Straighten up.
Stop fussing.
1322
00:54:05,284 --> 00:54:06,911
And say "happy-"
1323
00:54:06,910 --> 00:54:09,129
Happy-
1324
00:54:09,121 --> 00:54:10,839
- All right,
just the bride's family.
1325
00:54:10,831 --> 00:54:14,802
Let's get
family only.
1326
00:54:16,754 --> 00:54:19,007
All right, uncle up a step.
1327
00:54:19,006 --> 00:54:20,007
Up two steps.
1328
00:54:20,007 --> 00:54:22,009
- Two steps.
- Aunt, down.
1329
00:54:22,009 --> 00:54:25,013
- Matt, don't you want Abby
In the picture?
1330
00:54:27,639 --> 00:54:29,141
- Um...
1331
00:54:31,769 --> 00:54:32,941
- Of course he does.
1332
00:54:32,936 --> 00:54:34,859
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1333
00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:36,607
Of course.
Yeah, yeah.
1334
00:54:36,607 --> 00:54:38,200
- Come on.
Come on over.
1335
00:54:38,192 --> 00:54:40,661
- This is your spot,
right here.
1336
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:41,699
- Okay'
1337
00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:43,197
Happy...
1338
00:54:43,197 --> 00:54:45,495
Happy-
1339
00:55:11,308 --> 00:55:12,776
- I can park.
1340
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:14,065
- No, that's okay.
1341
00:55:14,061 --> 00:55:16,314
I'm gonna meet up with Hannah
anyway.
1342
00:55:16,313 --> 00:55:17,405
- Now?
1343
00:55:17,397 --> 00:55:18,899
- Yeah.
1344
00:55:20,484 --> 00:55:21,485
- You want me to come?
1345
00:55:21,485 --> 00:55:23,158
- No, I'm good.
1346
00:55:45,843 --> 00:55:47,686
Hi, this is Abby.
1347
00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:48,850
And you are?
1348
00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:51,019
- Hey, it's me.
1349
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:54,518
I was just calling to see
up,
1350
00:55:54,518 --> 00:55:57,271
like, where you are
and everything.
1351
00:56:01,650 --> 00:56:02,742
- This is Abby.
1352
00:56:02,734 --> 00:56:03,906
And you are?
1353
00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:05,119
. Hey-
1354
00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:07,240
Hey.
1355
00:56:08,824 --> 00:56:10,246
- And you are?
1356
00:56:10,242 --> 00:56:12,040
- Me again, calling.
1357
00:56:12,035 --> 00:56:13,537
Just...
1358
00:56:30,429 --> 00:56:31,897
At 4:00 a.m.,
Abby walked in,
1359
00:56:31,889 --> 00:56:34,108
and she was crying,
and she was drunk.
1360
00:56:34,099 --> 00:56:36,067
And I said,
"Abby, where were you?"
1361
00:56:36,059 --> 00:56:38,482
And she said, "If we're not
gonna get married,
1362
00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:40,151
I got to figure
something else out."
1363
00:56:40,147 --> 00:56:41,319
What are you-
- Stop It.
1364
00:56:41,315 --> 00:56:42,817
Give me my bag, Matt.
What is the difference?
1365
00:56:42,816 --> 00:56:44,739
- You are not doing this.
- Why don't you let go?
1366
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:47,238
I've just been so-
1367
00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:48,659
I love you, you know?
1368
00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:51,283
I just think that we...
1369
00:56:51,283 --> 00:56:53,911
I'm not...
1370
00:56:53,911 --> 00:56:56,255
We should just get married.
1371
00:56:57,873 --> 00:56:59,045
- No.
1372
00:56:59,041 --> 00:57:01,339
- Yeah, I'll get a ring,
and we'll get-
1373
00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:03,337
rent that cabana down by
my parents' beach house.
1374
00:57:03,337 --> 00:57:04,680
- No.
1375
00:57:04,671 --> 00:57:06,594
- I really think that
this is what we should do.
1376
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:09,184
- No.
1377
00:57:09,176 --> 00:57:10,393
- We have to.
1378
00:57:10,385 --> 00:57:12,262
I mean, I can't imagine life
without you.
1379
00:57:14,765 --> 00:57:16,438
I think that
we should just do it.
1380
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:17,776
I think we should just-
1381
00:57:17,768 --> 00:57:20,146
Finally she said, "When?"
1382
00:57:20,145 --> 00:57:21,943
Now, what I should have said
was,
1383
00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:24,613
"Can we talk about this
next summer?"
1384
00:57:24,608 --> 00:57:26,030
What I did say was...
1385
00:57:26,026 --> 00:57:29,030
Next summer.
1386
00:57:31,657 --> 00:57:35,332
And that's how I got engaged.
1387
00:57:40,207 --> 00:57:42,630
I know.
1388
00:57:42,626 --> 00:57:45,300
I'm in the future also.
1389
00:57:48,173 --> 00:57:50,346
- J' Well, we J'
1390
00:57:50,342 --> 00:57:53,312
J' Ain't got a barrel
of money J'
1391
00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:55,601
J' Maybe we're ragged and funny J'
1392
00:57:55,597 --> 00:57:58,521
J' But we'll travel along,
singing our song I
1393
00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:01,020
J' Side by side J'
1394
00:58:01,019 --> 00:58:03,647
J' Don't know what's coming
tomorrow J'
1395
00:58:03,647 --> 00:58:06,150
J' Maybe there's trouble
and sorrow J'
1396
00:58:06,149 --> 00:58:08,948
J' But we'll travel the road,
sharing our load J'
1397
00:58:08,944 --> 00:58:11,868
J' Side by side J'
1398
00:58:11,863 --> 00:58:14,491
J' Through all kinds of weather J'
1399
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:17,119
J' But if the sky should fall J'
1400
00:58:17,119 --> 00:58:19,838
J' As long as we're together J'
1401
00:58:19,830 --> 00:58:22,003
J' Doesn't matter at all J'
1402
00:58:21,999 --> 00:58:24,252
J' When they've all had
their quarrels and parted J'
1403
00:58:24,251 --> 00:58:25,468
- Yeah!
1404
00:58:25,460 --> 00:58:27,178
- J' We'll be the same
as we started J'
1405
00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:30,174
J' While travelin' along,
singin' our song J'
1406
00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:33,017
J' Side by side J'
1407
00:58:38,056 --> 00:58:40,900
- Matt, come back to bed.
1408
00:58:40,892 --> 00:58:43,020
We're gonna do the drill.
1409
00:58:43,020 --> 00:58:44,317
- No, thank you.
1410
00:58:44,312 --> 00:58:46,155
I can't come in there
anymore.
1411
00:58:50,694 --> 00:58:52,867
- Matt, come back to bed.
1412
00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:55,537
- No, I said,
"No, thank you."
1413
00:59:02,289 --> 00:59:07,261
- Matt, you got to call
the doctor today.
1414
00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:08,549
- I will. I will.
1415
00:59:08,545 --> 00:59:10,047
I'm sorry.
1416
00:59:10,047 --> 00:59:12,721
I-I promise.
1417
00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:16,637
What are you doing?
1418
00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:18,638
- I'm writing it on your hand.
1419
00:59:37,407 --> 00:59:42,208
- The Promise of Sleep
by Dr. William C. Dement.
1420
00:59:42,204 --> 00:59:44,081
During their entire lifetime,
people...
1421
00:59:44,081 --> 00:59:47,381
- My dad got me a book called
The Promise of Sleep.
1422
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,719
His four basic tips
for helping you sleep,
1423
00:59:49,711 --> 00:59:51,258
they all have to do
with powering down
1424
00:59:51,254 --> 00:59:53,427
a few hours before bed,
turning off the news
1425
00:59:53,423 --> 00:59:56,927
and the Internet and the phone,
and don't eat big meals,
1426
00:59:56,927 --> 00:59:58,349
which just so happen
1427
00:59:58,345 --> 01:00:01,189
to be my four favorite
activities before bed.
1428
01:00:01,181 --> 01:00:03,058
I'm completely addicted
to cable news.
1429
01:00:03,058 --> 01:00:04,480
I think it's 'cause
they hook you in
1430
01:00:04,476 --> 01:00:06,103
with the laser sound effects
1431
01:00:06,103 --> 01:00:08,356
and questions you couldn't
possibly know the answers to.
1432
01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:09,732
They'll be like, "Puh-choo!
1433
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:11,074
Do you know
in your soup?"
1434
01:00:11,066 --> 01:00:12,363
And I'm like, "Oh, my God.
1435
01:00:12,359 --> 01:00:13,906
"I guess I don't know
what's in my soup.
1436
01:00:13,902 --> 01:00:15,370
"I got to stick around.
1437
01:00:15,362 --> 01:00:18,457
"I thought maybe broth,
but I wasn't 100%.
1438
01:00:18,448 --> 01:00:19,995
"What is this,
a commercial for Toyota?
1439
01:00:19,991 --> 01:00:21,334
All right, I'll watch this,
1440
01:00:21,326 --> 01:00:23,124
just as long as you tell me
what's in my soup."
1441
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,122
And then they'll be like,
"Puh-choo, it's broth."
1442
01:00:25,122 --> 01:00:26,465
I'm like, "I knew it.
1443
01:00:26,456 --> 01:00:29,130
I knew it was broth,
but I wasn't 100%."
1444
01:00:29,126 --> 01:00:30,469
And I've been sleepwalking.
1445
01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:31,962
I walk in my sleep and...
1446
01:00:31,962 --> 01:00:33,635
Sleepwalking
is a terrifying phenomenon
1447
01:00:33,630 --> 01:00:34,973
when you think about it
1448
01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:36,558
'cause it's your body
making a decision
1449
01:00:36,550 --> 01:00:38,769
that's distinctly different
than your conscious mind.
1450
01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:39,932
Your conscious mind is like,
1451
01:00:39,928 --> 01:00:41,305
"We're gonna rest
for a few hours."
1452
01:00:41,304 --> 01:00:43,523
And your body's like,
"We're going skiing!"
1453
01:00:44,850 --> 01:00:46,568
I should see a doctor,
really,
1454
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:48,233
'cause it's gotten
pretty serious,
1455
01:00:48,228 --> 01:00:50,276
but I don't really want
to see a doctor, you know,
1456
01:00:50,272 --> 01:00:52,445
because sleep disorders,
they involve your brain.
1457
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:56,445
And the list of fun
brain diseases ls very short,
1458
01:00:56,444 --> 01:00:58,538
you know,
If you're ever surfing WebMD.
1459
01:00:58,530 --> 01:01:02,751
- I got booked
at nine collages In seven days.
1460
01:01:02,742 --> 01:01:07,589
I was performing across Ohio,
in Pennsylvania, in Delaware,
1461
01:01:07,581 --> 01:01:10,334
Washington, D.C.,
North Carolina.
1462
01:01:10,333 --> 01:01:12,131
There are 78 known
sleep disorders,
1463
01:01:12,127 --> 01:01:14,129
things that range
from sleep apnea
1464
01:01:14,129 --> 01:01:15,631
to night terrors
to narcolepsy.
1465
01:01:15,630 --> 01:01:17,132
Narcolepsy is terrifying
1466
01:01:17,132 --> 01:01:18,725
'cause there are people
who fall asleep
1467
01:01:18,717 --> 01:01:20,060
at any time for any reason.
1468
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:22,224
There are female narcoleptics
who fall asleep
1469
01:01:22,220 --> 01:01:23,688
the moment they reach orgasm.
1470
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:26,775
I was thinking you could call
these women "men."
1471
01:01:29,269 --> 01:01:30,771
And while I went on the road,
1472
01:01:30,770 --> 01:01:33,944
Abby started preparing
for our wedding
1473
01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,567
for months and months,
1474
01:01:35,567 --> 01:01:37,490
working on
very specific things:
1475
01:01:37,485 --> 01:01:40,910
locations, dresses, caterers.
1476
01:01:40,906 --> 01:01:45,161
I knew this wasn't gonna happen,
but I couldn't say it.
1477
01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:46,912
- Where is he?
1478
01:01:46,912 --> 01:01:50,337
- He's in Philadelphia.
1479
01:01:50,332 --> 01:01:53,381
Playing a club
called The Joke Barn.
1480
01:01:53,376 --> 01:01:56,004
- You're kidding me.
The Joke Barn?
1481
01:01:56,004 --> 01:01:58,883
- I don't really know
what to think anymore.
1482
01:01:58,882 --> 01:02:00,555
- They're having you perform
In the center
1483
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:02,427
of a walkathon for lupus.
1484
01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:03,849
Seven shows in a week.
1485
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:05,222
- I really appreciate it,
Colleen,
1486
01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:06,724
but right now I'm just-
1487
01:02:06,723 --> 01:02:09,101
you know, I don't think
I should be driving that far.
1488
01:02:09,100 --> 01:02:12,274
I mean, that's, like,
1,000 miles in, like, five days.
1489
01:02:12,270 --> 01:02:14,113
- Well, I got a lot of guys,
Matt.
1490
01:02:14,105 --> 01:02:17,405
I'd be glad to take you off
the speed dial.
1491
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:19,073
- No, no, I can do it.
1492
01:02:19,069 --> 01:02:20,366
I can do it.
1493
01:02:20,362 --> 01:02:21,579
I just-yeah, no, it's fine.
1494
01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:22,572
It's fine.
1495
01:02:22,572 --> 01:02:23,619
- Okay'
1496
01:02:23,615 --> 01:02:24,741
- Thanks, Colleen.
1497
01:02:24,741 --> 01:02:26,368
Thanks.
1498
01:02:27,911 --> 01:02:29,913
- Police have a suspect
in custody,
1499
01:02:29,913 --> 01:02:31,756
but they're not releasing
any information
1500
01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:33,750
until they complete
their investigation.
1501
01:02:41,591 --> 01:02:45,346
- I hear you're good at taking
the bullet for other comedians.
1502
01:02:49,349 --> 01:02:57,029
J'!
1503
01:02:57,023 --> 01:02:58,275
Hey.
1504
01:02:58,275 --> 01:03:00,619
You okay?
1505
01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:03,079
- Are you okay?
1506
01:03:03,071 --> 01:03:04,539
- Yeah.
1507
01:03:04,531 --> 01:03:06,033
I'm sorry.
1508
01:03:09,577 --> 01:03:11,796
Sorry.
1509
01:03:25,969 --> 01:03:29,473
- Here we have some of
the heavier cardstock options.
1510
01:03:29,472 --> 01:03:30,644
- It's beautiful.
1511
01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:31,937
Beautiful.
1512
01:03:31,933 --> 01:03:33,560
- And when are you
sending these out?
1513
01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:34,982
- Right.
1514
01:03:34,978 --> 01:03:37,982
- Well, the invitation
would go out June 15th.
1515
01:03:37,981 --> 01:03:39,153
- June 15th.
1516
01:03:39,149 --> 01:03:42,494
- And then the wedding
will be August 22nd.
1517
01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:44,829
I guess.
1518
01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,823
- You guess?
1519
01:03:50,452 --> 01:03:53,046
- If you're gonna get married,
dear,
1520
01:03:53,038 --> 01:03:56,838
you have to be running down
the aisle.
1521
01:03:59,836 --> 01:04:01,053
- Yeah, no, I know.
1522
01:04:01,046 --> 01:04:04,596
- It's-it's a lot of decisions.
1523
01:04:04,591 --> 01:04:05,717
- I understand.
- It's fine.
1524
01:04:05,717 --> 01:04:06,764
Here.
1525
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,103
- This is one of my favorites.
1526
01:04:08,094 --> 01:04:10,096
You'll notice how...
1527
01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:19,235
- The Promise of Sleep,
by me, Dr. William C. Dement.
1528
01:04:21,191 --> 01:04:22,864
- What are you doing
In my car
1529
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:24,907
- I'm not really here.
1530
01:04:24,903 --> 01:04:27,076
You're just exhausted.
1531
01:04:27,072 --> 01:04:30,576
- Is your name
actually Dr. Dement?
1532
01:04:30,575 --> 01:04:32,452
- Surely is.
1533
01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:34,671
- I feel like if I were
a sleep physician,
1534
01:04:34,662 --> 01:04:36,585
I'd want to go with
a more soothing name
1535
01:04:36,581 --> 01:04:38,959
like Dr. Happysleep,
1536
01:04:38,958 --> 01:04:42,383
Dr. Chamomile Tea.
1537
01:04:42,379 --> 01:04:43,676
- Can we please begin?
1538
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:44,718
- Yeah. Sorry.
1539
01:04:44,714 --> 01:04:46,136
Sorry.
1540
01:04:46,132 --> 01:04:49,636
- Chapter Four,
The Promise of Sleep.
1541
01:04:49,636 --> 01:04:55,063
We sleep more than 200,000 hours
during a lifetime.
1542
01:04:55,058 --> 01:04:58,062
That's the equivalent
of 8,000 days.
1543
01:04:58,061 --> 01:05:00,155
In spite of all the research,
we know very little-
1544
01:05:00,146 --> 01:05:02,319
- Okay. Go ahead.
Well, is there like a-
1545
01:05:02,315 --> 01:05:04,613
ls there a chapter
on sleep disorders?
1546
01:05:04,609 --> 01:05:05,952
- Let me skip ahead.
1547
01:05:05,944 --> 01:05:08,914
Chapter Nine,
Sleep Disorders.
1548
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:12,910
There's sleep walking,
sleep talking,
1549
01:05:12,909 --> 01:05:14,786
eating while you're asleep.
1550
01:05:14,786 --> 01:05:18,416
But one of the most serious
of the many sleep disorders
1551
01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:21,669
is REM Behavior Disorder.
1552
01:05:21,668 --> 01:05:23,762
People who have
REM Behavior Disorder
1553
01:05:23,753 --> 01:05:27,929
actually act out the dream
they are having.
1554
01:05:27,924 --> 01:05:30,143
In REM Behavior Disorder,
1555
01:05:30,135 --> 01:05:31,978
people are often running away
1556
01:05:31,970 --> 01:05:35,770
from some kind of demon
or wild animal.
1557
01:05:35,765 --> 01:05:39,110
In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder
1558
01:05:39,102 --> 01:05:41,275
have actually gone so far
1559
01:05:41,271 --> 01:05:43,615
as to kill the person
they're sleeping with
1560
01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:44,949
while they're asleep.
1561
01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,284
- Wait.
What?
1562
01:05:46,276 --> 01:05:50,122
- In rare instances,
people with this sleep disorder
1563
01:05:50,113 --> 01:05:52,115
have actually gone so far
1564
01:05:52,115 --> 01:05:54,413
as to kill the person
they're sleeping with...
1565
01:05:55,452 --> 01:05:57,420
While remaining asleep.
1566
01:05:57,412 --> 01:05:59,881
Almost nothing is known
about It
1567
01:05:59,873 --> 01:06:02,217
and almost nothing
can be done.
1568
01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:03,460
- Hi, Mom.
1569
01:06:03,460 --> 01:06:04,507
- Hi, Matthew.
1570
01:06:04,502 --> 01:06:05,549
Oh, where are you?
1571
01:06:05,545 --> 01:06:06,637
- I'm-I'm in Maryland.
1572
01:06:06,629 --> 01:06:09,974
I'm staying at La Quinta Inn.
1573
01:06:09,966 --> 01:06:11,889
- No, you mean La "Keen-tah."
1574
01:06:11,885 --> 01:06:14,388
- No, I think it's La Quinta.
1575
01:06:14,387 --> 01:06:15,604
- Welcome to La Keen-tah Inn.
1576
01:06:15,597 --> 01:06:16,644
- Thanks.
1577
01:06:16,639 --> 01:06:18,016
Told you.
1578
01:06:18,016 --> 01:06:20,644
Oh, is Abby with you
at La Quinta Inn?
1579
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:22,987
- No, she's at home.
1580
01:06:22,979 --> 01:06:24,322
- I have to tell you,
1581
01:06:24,314 --> 01:06:26,237
she sent us a photo
of the dress.
1582
01:06:26,232 --> 01:06:27,404
Have you seen it?
1583
01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:29,653
- No.
No, I-sorry.
1584
01:06:29,652 --> 01:06:31,199
- Oh, you're fine.
1585
01:06:31,196 --> 01:06:32,539
Great pool here, huh?
1586
01:06:32,530 --> 01:06:33,873
- I just checked in.
1587
01:06:33,865 --> 01:06:34,912
I don't really know.
1588
01:06:34,908 --> 01:06:35,909
- It's open, like, 24/7.
1589
01:06:35,909 --> 01:06:36,956
- Sorry. Right.
1590
01:06:36,951 --> 01:06:37,998
- Waffle bar's awesome too.
1591
01:06:37,994 --> 01:06:39,416
- I'm not gonna tell you
about this.
1592
01:06:39,412 --> 01:06:40,664
- Okay, Mom.
l-
1593
01:06:40,663 --> 01:06:42,085
- Right?
- Right.
1594
01:06:42,081 --> 01:06:44,254
- Right, I mean-but I could
tell you, but I shouldn't.
1595
01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:45,467
- No, I know.
1596
01:06:45,460 --> 01:06:47,007
- On the other hand
I just don't think
1597
01:06:47,003 --> 01:06:48,676
it would be so bad
if I just described-
1598
01:06:48,671 --> 01:06:51,345
I mean, a little description
won't really ruin the effect.
1599
01:06:51,341 --> 01:06:54,185
Okay, well, let me tell you
about the dress.
1600
01:06:54,177 --> 01:06:57,681
It's off-white and very bosomy,
which I know that you like.
1601
01:06:57,680 --> 01:06:59,853
- Linda, are you telling him
about the wedding dress?
1602
01:06:59,849 --> 01:07:02,022
- I'm-no, just giving him
a little bit-little-
1603
01:07:02,018 --> 01:07:03,110
- Oh, God damn it.
1604
01:07:03,102 --> 01:07:04,524
You're not supposed
to let the groom
1605
01:07:04,521 --> 01:07:05,898
know about the dress.
1606
01:07:05,897 --> 01:07:07,740
- Well, I don't think a little
tease will hurt, really.
1607
01:07:07,732 --> 01:07:08,858
- Give me the phone.
Give me the-
1608
01:07:08,858 --> 01:07:10,201
Why did you have
to bring that up to him?
1609
01:07:10,193 --> 01:07:11,661
- Because I thought
he would enjoy it.
1610
01:07:11,653 --> 01:07:13,496
- Hey, look, hey, Matthew,
where the hell are you, anyway?
1611
01:07:13,488 --> 01:07:14,910
Are you all right?
- Things are fine.
1612
01:07:14,906 --> 01:07:17,580
- Yeah, well, I just got
an E-ZPass bill for $563.
1613
01:07:17,575 --> 01:07:20,249
Are you using my goddamn car
to cruise around the country?
1614
01:07:20,245 --> 01:07:22,293
- No, I'm not cruising, Dad.
1615
01:07:22,288 --> 01:07:23,540
What are you talking about?
1616
01:07:23,540 --> 01:07:25,213
- Oh, I don't think
that car can take it.
1617
01:07:25,208 --> 01:07:28,462
I think you either got
to settle down or get a new car.
1618
01:07:28,461 --> 01:07:30,634
- I-I got to go.
1619
01:07:30,630 --> 01:07:31,847
- Matthew, one more thing.
1620
01:07:31,839 --> 01:07:33,216
I'm gonna email
the photo to you.
1621
01:07:33,216 --> 01:07:35,218
- No, I got to go, Mom.
- I sent It.
1622
01:07:35,218 --> 01:07:36,891
- Oh, God damn it!
1623
01:07:59,409 --> 01:08:00,786
- Isolate the coordinates.
1624
01:08:00,785 --> 01:08:01,877
- Yes, sir.
1625
01:08:01,869 --> 01:08:03,121
Bearing mark 2-1 -1 -3,
1626
01:08:03,121 --> 01:08:06,045
latitude 46 degrees north
and longitude 118 west.
1627
01:08:06,040 --> 01:08:07,508
- What's going on?
1628
01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:10,845
- We're currently tracking
a guided missile
1629
01:08:10,837 --> 01:08:13,090
that's headed
straight for this room.
1630
01:08:13,089 --> 01:08:14,181
- Just tell me this.
1631
01:08:14,173 --> 01:08:15,516
What's the plan?
1632
01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:17,761
- Well, Matt, it looks like
you don't have one.
1633
01:08:17,760 --> 01:08:21,264
I think you need a little
goddamn reality testing.
1634
01:08:21,264 --> 01:08:23,107
- There's one more thing.
1635
01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:28,276
The missile coordinates
are set specifically on you.
1636
01:08:35,278 --> 01:08:37,372
- What's gonna happen
to these people?
1637
01:08:37,363 --> 01:08:38,831
- It doesn't look good, Matt.
1638
01:08:44,704 --> 01:08:46,331
- Warning.
1639
01:08:46,331 --> 01:08:47,708
12, 11...
1640
01:08:47,707 --> 01:08:48,959
- Okay!
1641
01:08:48,958 --> 01:08:51,711
- 10, 9, 8...
1642
01:08:54,422 --> 01:08:55,423
- An!
1643
01:08:56,549 --> 01:08:58,142
Ah!
1644
01:09:49,143 --> 01:09:53,319
- I just saw a guy jump out
the window screaming.
1645
01:09:53,314 --> 01:09:55,191
I mean, is anybody gonna do
anything?
1646
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:56,363
My God!
1647
01:09:59,904 --> 01:10:02,748
- Hello.
1648
01:10:02,740 --> 01:10:05,289
I'm staying at the hotel.
1649
01:10:05,284 --> 01:10:09,710
I had an incident wherein
I jumped out my window,
1650
01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:11,208
and I'm bleeding,
1651
01:10:11,207 --> 01:10:14,211
and I need to go
to the hospital.
1652
01:10:16,045 --> 01:10:17,547
- All right.
1653
01:10:24,262 --> 01:10:27,436
What's painful about jumping out
a second-story window
1654
01:10:27,432 --> 01:10:30,561
isn't actually
the jumping part.
1655
01:10:32,061 --> 01:10:35,235
It's when they start to pick
the glass out of your legs.
1656
01:10:39,152 --> 01:10:42,326
- This glass was right near
your femoral artery.
1657
01:10:42,321 --> 01:10:44,494
If you'd have hit that,
you'd have bled to death.
1658
01:10:47,535 --> 01:10:49,913
You should be dead.
1659
01:10:49,912 --> 01:10:51,755
- No, you should.
1660
01:10:53,541 --> 01:10:56,294
I zinged him...
1661
01:10:56,294 --> 01:10:59,093
Because I'm a comedian.
1662
01:11:37,293 --> 01:11:40,968
I don't think that
we should be getting married.
1663
01:11:40,963 --> 01:11:43,762
I-and I...
1664
01:11:43,758 --> 01:11:48,264
I knew I wasn't ready,
and I should've said it but...
1665
01:11:51,808 --> 01:11:54,311
I just think
I should be on my own.
1666
01:12:04,237 --> 01:12:05,910
- You're right.
1667
01:12:09,659 --> 01:12:12,333
We shouldn't
be getting married.
1668
01:12:15,498 --> 01:12:17,842
- How long have you
felt like that?
1669
01:12:33,766 --> 01:12:35,734
When I was getting ready
to make this film,
1670
01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:38,946
I was obsessing over
my relationship with Abby
1671
01:12:38,938 --> 01:12:41,191
and what went wrong
1672
01:12:41,190 --> 01:12:45,161
and why she stayed with me,
you know, all these years.
1673
01:12:45,152 --> 01:12:48,531
And so I went to visit her.
1674
01:12:48,531 --> 01:12:51,956
She lives upstate
with her husband and two kids.
1675
01:12:51,951 --> 01:12:54,955
And, you know,
I called in advance.
1676
01:12:54,954 --> 01:12:57,548
You know, I didn't just show up
and say, like,
1677
01:12:57,540 --> 01:12:59,383
"I'm your ex-boyfriend,
and I want answers."
1678
01:12:59,375 --> 01:13:01,173
You know?
1679
01:13:01,168 --> 01:13:03,546
I know that that's probably
not the best thing to do.
1680
01:13:03,546 --> 01:13:05,423
And so I-you know,
we're friends,
1681
01:13:05,423 --> 01:13:07,926
and so I went
and visited her and-
1682
01:13:07,925 --> 01:13:09,222
and we're having tea,
1683
01:13:09,218 --> 01:13:10,765
and, like, her kids
are running around,
1684
01:13:10,761 --> 01:13:13,731
and I said to her-
I was like,
1685
01:13:13,723 --> 01:13:16,397
"Why did you stay with me
all those years
1686
01:13:16,392 --> 01:13:20,397
when you knew
that we were doomed?"
1687
01:13:20,396 --> 01:13:22,774
And she said...
1688
01:13:24,734 --> 01:13:27,408
"I didn't want to hurt you."
1689
01:13:34,243 --> 01:13:36,245
Can you believe that?
1690
01:13:39,206 --> 01:13:44,884
We almost spent the entire
rest of our lives together
1691
01:13:44,879 --> 01:13:48,554
because we didn't want
to make the other person mad.
1692
01:14:06,859 --> 01:14:09,612
I'm gonna tell you a story
tonight, and it's true.
1693
01:14:09,612 --> 01:14:12,081
And I always have to tell people
that because inevitably...
1694
01:14:12,073 --> 01:14:13,575
And I would say, "Abby!
1695
01:14:13,574 --> 01:14:17,078
There's a jackal in the room!"
1696
01:14:17,078 --> 01:14:19,752
We went to my sister Janet's
wedding.
1697
01:14:19,747 --> 01:14:21,966
Now, if you're ever
in a relationship
1698
01:14:21,958 --> 01:14:24,507
that seems to be moving
towards marriage
1699
01:14:24,502 --> 01:14:29,383
and you're not ready for it
to go in that direction,
1700
01:14:29,382 --> 01:14:33,888
don't go
wedding.
1701
01:14:33,886 --> 01:14:36,981
As my anxiety about
my relationship got worse,
1702
01:14:36,973 --> 01:14:38,816
my sleepwalking got worse.
1703
01:14:38,808 --> 01:14:40,560
The window was closed,
1704
01:14:40,559 --> 01:14:45,360
so I jumped through a window
like The Hulk.
1705
01:14:45,356 --> 01:14:48,200
I did what I should have done
in the first place
1706
01:14:48,192 --> 01:14:49,865
when I saw the jackal,
1707
01:14:49,860 --> 01:14:53,205
when I was in
the DustBuster Olympics.
1708
01:14:53,197 --> 01:14:55,996
I went to a doctor who
specializes in sleep disorders.
1709
01:14:55,992 --> 01:14:58,495
I was diagnosed
with REM Behavior Disorder.
1710
01:14:58,494 --> 01:15:01,088
And so now when I go to bed
at night,
1711
01:15:01,080 --> 01:15:03,048
I turn off the news,
1712
01:15:03,040 --> 01:15:06,214
the phone,
and the Internet.
1713
01:15:06,210 --> 01:15:07,553
I take medication,
1714
01:15:07,545 --> 01:15:12,893
and I sleep in a sleeping bag
up to my neck.
1715
01:15:13,926 --> 01:15:17,601
And I wear mittens...
1716
01:15:17,596 --> 01:15:21,692
So I can't open
the sleeping bag.
1717
01:15:21,684 --> 01:15:26,531
- Please welcome to the stage,
Matt Pandamiglio.
1718
01:15:29,608 --> 01:15:31,235
- A lot of times,
people will come up to me,
1719
01:15:31,235 --> 01:15:35,866
and they ask me, you know,
like, "Are you cured?"
1720
01:15:35,865 --> 01:15:37,742
And I say, "No."
1721
01:15:37,742 --> 01:15:40,586
But I think that's okay.
1722
01:15:58,888 --> 01:16:03,439
J'!
1723
01:16:03,434 --> 01:16:07,280
- J' I've been waiting
for a sign J'
1724
01:16:07,271 --> 01:16:10,320
J' I've been waiting
for a sign J'
1725
01:16:10,316 --> 01:16:12,535
J' To tell me where J'
1726
01:16:12,526 --> 01:16:14,324
J' Tell me where J'
1727
01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:18,666
J' I belong J'
1728
01:16:18,657 --> 01:16:22,457
J' And you've been waiting
for the night J'
1729
01:16:22,453 --> 01:16:25,582
J' You've been waiting
for the night J'
1730
01:16:25,581 --> 01:16:27,709
J' To take you far J'
1731
01:16:27,708 --> 01:16:33,841
J' Take you far away
from me J'
1732
01:16:33,839 --> 01:16:39,812
J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'
1733
01:16:39,804 --> 01:16:41,681
J' Who, who, who, who J'
1734
01:16:41,680 --> 01:16:47,437
J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'
1735
01:16:47,436 --> 01:16:49,564
J' Who, who, who, who J'
1736
01:16:49,563 --> 01:16:56,868
J'!
1737
01:16:56,862 --> 01:17:03,666
J' I've been waiting
for a sign J'
1738
01:17:03,661 --> 01:17:05,834
J' To tell me where J'
1739
01:17:05,830 --> 01:17:07,503
J' Tell me where J'
1740
01:17:07,498 --> 01:17:09,921
J' Where I belong J"
1741
01:17:11,502 --> 01:17:15,803
J' And you've been waiting
for the night J'
1742
01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:18,893
J' You've been waiting
for the night J'
1743
01:17:18,884 --> 01:17:21,012
J' To take you far J'
1744
01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:25,437
J' Take you far away
from here J'
1745
01:17:27,434 --> 01:17:32,861
J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'
1746
01:17:32,857 --> 01:17:35,030
J' Who, who, who, who J'
1747
01:17:35,025 --> 01:17:40,373
J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'
1748
01:17:40,364 --> 01:17:43,493
J' Who, who, who, who J'
1749
01:17:43,492 --> 01:17:49,170
J' And as I'm waiting
on your doorstep now J'
1750
01:17:51,333 --> 01:17:55,338
J' I notice patterns
in the paint J'
1751
01:17:58,841 --> 01:18:02,186
J' I'm wondering how
the glass will hit J'
1752
01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:04,601
J" When I J"
1753
01:18:06,515 --> 01:18:11,271
J' As I turn and go in shame J'
1754
01:18:13,022 --> 01:18:18,022
J' Now, now, now, now,
now, now, now J'
1755
01:18:33,375 --> 01:18:41,385
J'!
1756
01:18:54,647 --> 01:18:56,615
- J' There's a spot
on your body J'
1757
01:18:56,607 --> 01:18:59,201
J' And it caused all the boys J'
1758
01:18:59,193 --> 01:19:02,618
J' Follow your eyes
and get lost J'
1759
01:19:02,613 --> 01:19:07,289
J'!
1760
01:19:07,284 --> 01:19:09,252
J' You'll swear
to your family J'
1761
01:19:09,245 --> 01:19:10,462
J' Family and friends J'
1762
01:19:10,454 --> 01:19:13,549
J' Why, it was just yesterday J'
1763
01:19:13,540 --> 01:19:15,463
J' Just swear
to your family J'
1764
01:19:15,459 --> 01:19:16,756
J' Family and friends J'
1765
01:19:16,752 --> 01:19:20,097
J' Why, it was just yesterday J'
1766
01:19:20,089 --> 01:19:23,263
J'!
1767
01:19:23,259 --> 01:19:26,012
J' If every man's
a photographer J'
1768
01:19:26,011 --> 01:19:29,311
J' Then smile
and hold up your head J'
1769
01:19:29,306 --> 01:19:32,059
J' Give him one of your
long batty looks I
1770
01:19:32,059 --> 01:19:35,563
J' Before he climb on
into your bed J'
1771
01:19:35,562 --> 01:19:41,410
J'!
1772
01:19:41,402 --> 01:19:43,279
J' And you'll swear
to your family J'
1773
01:19:43,279 --> 01:19:44,496
J' Family and friends J'
1774
01:19:44,488 --> 01:19:47,583
J' Why, it was just yesterday J'
1775
01:19:47,574 --> 01:19:49,292
J' Just swear
to your family J'
1776
01:19:49,285 --> 01:19:50,537
J' Family and friends J'
1777
01:19:50,536 --> 01:19:53,631
J' Why, it was just yesterday J'
1778
01:19:53,622 --> 01:19:57,297
J'!
1779
01:19:57,293 --> 01:20:00,012
J'Mmm.J'
1780
01:20:00,004 --> 01:20:03,133
J' Mmm, mm-mm, mmm J'
1781
01:20:03,132 --> 01:20:11,142
J'!
1782
01:20:12,305 --> 01:21:12,680
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