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1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,006
-Okay, so, hello,
Harvard Admissions people.
2
00:00:06,008 --> 00:00:08,006
This is Sam Jansen.
3
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,001
Um, I've called a few times
and I sent some E-mails,
4
00:00:10,003 --> 00:00:11,010
but I haven't heard back,
5
00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:15,008
so I decided to create
this video for you guys.
6
00:00:15,010 --> 00:00:18,014
Um, I'd like to think
that I haven't
7
00:00:18,016 --> 00:00:20,007
made a lot of mistakes
in my life.
8
00:00:20,009 --> 00:00:23,012
But this would be a big one.
9
00:00:23,014 --> 00:00:26,009
I mean, who turns down Harvard
and then...
10
00:00:26,011 --> 00:00:27,022
comes back a few days later?
11
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:32,011
But I'm asking you guys
to let me back in.
12
00:00:32,013 --> 00:00:34,014
A lot has happened
this last weekend.
13
00:00:34,016 --> 00:00:38,006
So, let me start
from the beginning.
14
00:00:38,008 --> 00:00:39,021
♪♪
15
00:00:39,023 --> 00:00:42,010
-♪ La-la, la-la, la-la ♪
16
00:00:42,012 --> 00:00:45,000
♪ La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
17
00:00:45,002 --> 00:00:47,012
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la ♪
18
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,015
♪ La-la ♪
19
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♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
20
00:00:50,022 --> 00:00:52,003
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
21
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-This is me.
22
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And this is my best friend --Danielle.
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And that guy twerking on themantel, that's the pizza guy.
24
00:01:02,017 --> 00:01:04,015
This is what Danielle and Ihave done every Friday night
25
00:01:04,017 --> 00:01:06,015
since we were 12.
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00:01:06,017 --> 00:01:08,019
We call itpizza-and-a-doc night.
27
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Our favorite documentaryis about sea mammals.
28
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Our pizza of choice is knownas the Samielle Special.
29
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It's a veggie pie,half no cheese
30
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because Danielleis lactose intolerant,
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half extra-cheesebecause I think that cheese
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is the greatest thingever invented.
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I would say it's better thansex, but in my case,
34
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that would bean untested hypothesis.
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Senior year was almost over,
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and while everyone else wasgoing to prom and being crazy,
37
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Danielle and I were justdoing our own thing.
38
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My family ownsan ice cream shop.
39
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I know what you're thinking.
[ Cheers and applause ]
40
00:01:40,021 --> 00:01:43,007
But, honestly,it's not that great.
41
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I've been working heresince I was a kid,
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and after a while,even ice cream can get boring.
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Our business has beenreally struggling
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since some trend-savvycompetitors arrived.
45
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A grown man in a unicorn
costume serving ice cream.
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Wha -- How are we supposed
to compete with that?
47
00:02:00,018 --> 00:02:03,022
Anyway, the stress wasreally getting to my dad.
48
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,000
-Found these sunglasses
in the Dumpster.
49
00:02:06,002 --> 00:02:08,014
We can do a giveaway --
If you buy a pint of ice cream,
50
00:02:08,016 --> 00:02:11,023
you get a pair of sunglasses
free!
51
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:13,014
Cool, huh?
52
00:02:13,016 --> 00:02:14,023
-I don't know.
53
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,021
The color is kind of intense.
54
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-Intense is bad?
55
00:02:18,006 --> 00:02:19,013
Okay, how about this?
56
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For $1.00, you can put
as much ice cream
57
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as you can stuff
into your mouth.
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That's gonna work.
59
00:02:26,017 --> 00:02:28,000
-I don't know, Dad.
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00:02:28,002 --> 00:02:30,016
-Anda pair of sunglasses.
61
00:02:30,018 --> 00:02:32,001
-Hey, Dad, I was wondering
if we could talk
62
00:02:32,003 --> 00:02:33,006
about my college options?
63
00:02:33,008 --> 00:02:34,017
-Yeah, but we need
to do it later,
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00:02:34,019 --> 00:02:35,021
'cause I need to get over
to the bank.
65
00:02:35,023 --> 00:02:37,002
They're about to close.
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00:02:37,004 --> 00:02:39,007
-Every time
I brought up college,
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00:02:39,009 --> 00:02:41,018
there was a banking emergency.
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00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:45,001
So I finally took the hint.
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00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:48,019
We can't afford it.
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00:02:48,021 --> 00:02:50,012
I mean, it's like...
71
00:02:50,014 --> 00:02:54,003
it's like 80,000 cones
a semester.
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00:02:54,005 --> 00:02:56,014
You will go to state
with Danielle.
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00:02:56,016 --> 00:02:59,009
Okay. Here it goes.
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00:02:59,011 --> 00:03:02,004
♪♪
75
00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:09,016
[ Sighs ]
76
00:03:09,018 --> 00:03:12,008
I never told anyoneI got into Harvard.
77
00:03:12,010 --> 00:03:14,013
I mean, why rub it in?
78
00:03:14,015 --> 00:03:16,007
-So, I was watching
some great speeches
79
00:03:16,009 --> 00:03:17,017
in our nation's history,
80
00:03:17,019 --> 00:03:19,014
like Martin Luther King's
"I Have a Dream" speech
81
00:03:19,016 --> 00:03:21,022
and FDR's "A Date Which
Will Live in Infamy,"
82
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,012
and Oprah's
Golden Globes speech.
83
00:03:23,014 --> 00:03:26,001
And I was thinking that
open-air co-valedictorian speech
84
00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:30,009
with some spoken-word poetry
might be the answer.
85
00:03:30,011 --> 00:03:32,010
What's wrong?
86
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:35,001
Would you like to start
with a scientific fact?
87
00:03:35,003 --> 00:03:37,023
-No. I'm fine.
88
00:03:38,001 --> 00:03:39,019
-Ready?
89
00:03:39,021 --> 00:03:41,007
-Yeah.
90
00:03:41,009 --> 00:03:47,010
♪♪
91
00:03:47,012 --> 00:03:49,004
-Ricotta.
Mozzarella sticks.
92
00:03:49,006 --> 00:03:51,000
Mac-and-cheese balls.
93
00:03:51,002 --> 00:03:53,005
-Damn, that's a lot of stuff
you can't eat.
94
00:03:53,007 --> 00:03:55,019
-Listen, I love dairy,
it just doesn't love me back.
95
00:03:55,021 --> 00:03:58,011
We're like Zelda
and F. Scott Fitzgerald.
96
00:03:58,013 --> 00:04:00,022
-I love the name Zelda.
-Me, too.
97
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,003
[ Both laugh ]
98
00:04:03,005 --> 00:04:05,021
Moms? What's going on?
99
00:04:05,023 --> 00:04:09,012
-Have you checked your E-mail?
-Not in the last 15 minutes.
100
00:04:09,014 --> 00:04:12,022
-Okay, we did something parents
are never supposed to do.
101
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,004
-And we normally never would.
102
00:04:15,006 --> 00:04:18,023
-But we heard a pinging sound,
and the browser was open.
103
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,019
-Did you check my E-mail?
104
00:04:21,021 --> 00:04:23,007
-Not proud of it, but...
105
00:04:23,009 --> 00:04:24,012
-You heard from Harvard.
106
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,003
-What?!
107
00:04:26,005 --> 00:04:28,009
"After careful consideration
of your supplemental materials,
108
00:04:28,011 --> 00:04:29,016
the Admissions Committee
has decided
109
00:04:29,018 --> 00:04:31,004
to take you off the wait list
110
00:04:31,006 --> 00:04:33,003
and offer you a place
in Harvard's class of 2022!"
111
00:04:33,005 --> 00:04:35,016
-They must have really loved
your poem on Standing Rock.
112
00:04:35,018 --> 00:04:38,011
-Oh, my God!
-Oh!
113
00:04:38,013 --> 00:04:40,019
-Oh, my God!
-It's happening!
114
00:04:40,021 --> 00:04:43,003
-It's happening.
It's hap--
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00:04:43,005 --> 00:04:46,001
-I'm not gonna lie, I thought
about hacking into your website
116
00:04:46,003 --> 00:04:48,012
and crashing
the Admissions page.
117
00:04:48,014 --> 00:04:51,007
But I still didn't tell
Danielle I'd gotten in.
118
00:04:51,009 --> 00:04:53,020
I mean, it's not like
I could suddenly afford it
119
00:04:53,022 --> 00:04:55,019
now that Danielle was going.
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00:04:55,021 --> 00:05:07,007
♪♪
121
00:05:07,009 --> 00:05:08,021
-Hey, we're heading out, okay?
122
00:05:08,023 --> 00:05:10,017
You guys have
everything you need?
123
00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:12,010
-Yeah, we're all set.
124
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,012
-We're so proud of you.
125
00:05:13,014 --> 00:05:15,011
-So proud!
-So proud of you!
126
00:05:15,013 --> 00:05:16,013
-Oh, my God!
127
00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,009
-Mwah!
Rashida Jones went there.
128
00:05:18,011 --> 00:05:21,002
-Barack Obama went there.
-Yeah, okay, okay, thank you.
129
00:05:21,004 --> 00:05:23,023
Good night!
-Good night, good night.
130
00:05:24,001 --> 00:05:25,005
[ Laughs ]
131
00:05:25,007 --> 00:05:27,007
Good night, female leaders
of tomorrow.
132
00:05:27,009 --> 00:05:29,012
-[ Sighs ]
133
00:05:29,014 --> 00:05:31,021
Jeremy is so beautiful.
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00:05:31,023 --> 00:05:34,003
Even his Instagram
is perfectly curated.
135
00:05:34,005 --> 00:05:35,017
-I can't believe
he's with Ashanti.
136
00:05:35,019 --> 00:05:38,018
-Yeah, well, she's an
influencer, he's an artist.
137
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:41,022
They're a power couple.
-Oh, she just posted a video.
138
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,010
-You want to gofrom lash to tip
139
00:05:43,012 --> 00:05:45,022
while chantingthe mantra "satnam."
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00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:51,009
I'm using MAC's Extended PlayGigablack Lash Mascara.
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00:05:51,011 --> 00:05:53,006
Satnam.
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00:05:53,008 --> 00:05:56,020
Satnam. Satnam.
143
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,020
-The yoga makeup-advertisement
tutorials
144
00:05:58,022 --> 00:06:01,016
are just a platform
for my social-justice activism.
145
00:06:01,018 --> 00:06:03,002
We have to find new ways
to highlight
146
00:06:03,004 --> 00:06:06,006
the importance
of intersectionality.
147
00:06:06,008 --> 00:06:08,006
-I'll never be that cool.
148
00:06:08,008 --> 00:06:10,000
-I heard she raised 10K
for Puerto Rico
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00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:11,016
with a single tweet.
150
00:06:11,018 --> 00:06:12,022
-How does she do it?
151
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,016
She's pretty,
she's nice to everyone,
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00:06:14,018 --> 00:06:17,011
she gets good grades,
she's flexible.
153
00:06:17,013 --> 00:06:19,007
-She's really bad at softball.
154
00:06:19,009 --> 00:06:22,001
-All right, you guys.
Last day of school.
155
00:06:22,003 --> 00:06:23,020
All right, iPhones away!
Come on.
156
00:06:23,022 --> 00:06:25,015
Let's pull out
our periodic tables,
157
00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:27,003
get your beakers fired up.
158
00:06:27,005 --> 00:06:30,000
Today we're gonna be talking
about liquid nitrogen.
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00:06:30,002 --> 00:06:31,013
First discovered
by a Scottish physician
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00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:36,020
named Daniel Rutherford in 1772,
liquid nitrogen is
161
00:06:36,022 --> 00:06:40,009
a love potion.
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00:06:40,011 --> 00:06:41,012
That's right, girl.
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00:06:41,014 --> 00:06:47,007
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
164
00:06:47,009 --> 00:06:48,012
Sam?
165
00:06:48,014 --> 00:06:49,020
Sam?
166
00:06:49,022 --> 00:06:52,001
Sam!
167
00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:53,014
-Yeah?
-Hey.
168
00:06:53,016 --> 00:06:57,003
Uh, will you bring these teacher
evaluations to the office?
169
00:06:57,005 --> 00:06:59,023
-Yeah.
-Great.
170
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:03,005
[ School bell rings ]
171
00:07:03,007 --> 00:07:06,002
[ Indistinct conversations ]
172
00:07:06,004 --> 00:07:08,006
-Hey, I think the yearbooks
came out today.
173
00:07:08,008 --> 00:07:12,003
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
174
00:07:12,005 --> 00:07:16,021
♪♪
175
00:07:16,023 --> 00:07:19,004
-Hey, Danielle.
-I'm good.
176
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:21,006
[ Sighs ] Shit.
177
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:26,004
Oh, look.
It's Jeremy's thesis project.
178
00:07:26,006 --> 00:07:27,014
He's a genius.
179
00:07:27,016 --> 00:07:30,003
-I'm surprised no one's
stolen that iPhone yet.
180
00:07:30,005 --> 00:07:32,008
-Yo. Fuckin' watch it, backpack.
181
00:07:32,010 --> 00:07:34,018
-Ooh, vaga-dictorians.
182
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:36,018
-[ Laughs ]
That's fuckin' funny.
183
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:40,006
-Ugh. I hate those guys!
184
00:07:40,008 --> 00:07:42,004
-Let's go get our yearbooks.
185
00:07:42,006 --> 00:07:43,011
-Okay.
186
00:07:43,013 --> 00:07:45,005
Okay, go to page 65 first.
187
00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,005
-Okay.
188
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:49,021
♪♪
189
00:07:49,023 --> 00:07:53,023
[ Gasps ] You got us
a dedication page.
190
00:07:54,001 --> 00:07:57,019
Aww, "Samielle."
I love it.
191
00:07:57,021 --> 00:08:00,004
Ooh, the awards section.
192
00:08:00,006 --> 00:08:04,021
[ Gasps ] Jeremy got
Biggest Art Star.
193
00:08:04,023 --> 00:08:06,021
♪♪
194
00:08:06,023 --> 00:08:09,003
What the?
195
00:08:09,005 --> 00:08:11,000
"Biggest Good Girls"?!
196
00:08:11,002 --> 00:08:14,014
What kind of bullshit category
is that?
197
00:08:14,016 --> 00:08:16,013
-"Sam Jansen
and Danielle Compton
198
00:08:16,015 --> 00:08:17,019
are undoubtedly
Woodbright High's
199
00:08:17,021 --> 00:08:19,010
most accomplished
co-valedictorians.
200
00:08:19,012 --> 00:08:21,006
Sam won state science fair
four years in a row,
201
00:08:21,008 --> 00:08:23,014
and Danielle had
her first volume of poetry
202
00:08:23,016 --> 00:08:25,001
published at age 14.
203
00:08:25,003 --> 00:08:26,022
These two are good girls
to watch out for."
204
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,013
-Good girls. It's condescending.
-It's just a moniker.
205
00:08:30,015 --> 00:08:32,018
Would you prefer
"affable young women"?
206
00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:34,002
-It's so neutered.
207
00:08:34,004 --> 00:08:36,001
Is that really
what people think about us?
208
00:08:36,003 --> 00:08:37,019
-No, it's a stupid
yearbook award.
209
00:08:37,021 --> 00:08:39,016
I think you're overreacting.
-Am I?
210
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:42,002
Let's take a brief inventory
of our lives.
211
00:08:42,004 --> 00:08:44,008
-Okay.
-We don't have cars.
212
00:08:44,010 --> 00:08:47,012
-We're environmentalists.
-We've never been to a party.
213
00:08:47,014 --> 00:08:49,006
-What about that time we went
to your moms' ACLU benefit?
214
00:08:49,008 --> 00:08:52,007
-Sam, we've literally
never done anything bad.
215
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:54,000
-Do you remember
when we skipped school
216
00:08:54,002 --> 00:08:57,000
to go see Al Gore's lecture
on climate change?
217
00:08:57,002 --> 00:08:58,009
That was bad.
218
00:08:58,011 --> 00:09:00,006
Okay, I had a test that day.
219
00:09:00,008 --> 00:09:01,014
Just to reassure you,
220
00:09:01,016 --> 00:09:05,002
I took that test the next day,
and I aced it.
221
00:09:05,004 --> 00:09:06,016
Anyway, this -- this
whole yearbook thing
222
00:09:06,018 --> 00:09:08,006
really sent Danielle
over the edge.
223
00:09:08,008 --> 00:09:11,013
-I want to take a gap year.
-What about Harvard?
224
00:09:11,015 --> 00:09:14,014
-I want to go to Europe,
where art was born.
225
00:09:14,016 --> 00:09:18,007
-Actually, I think
art was born in India.
226
00:09:18,009 --> 00:09:19,020
[ Clicks tongue ]
227
00:09:19,022 --> 00:09:22,020
-But I'm not a good girl!
228
00:09:22,022 --> 00:09:25,019
-Period.
-Duh.
229
00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:29,001
-But the manateehas become endangered
230
00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:33,002
due to two major threats --loss of habitat and collisions
231
00:09:33,004 --> 00:09:35,010
with boats and ships.
[ Door bells jingle ]
232
00:09:35,012 --> 00:09:37,011
-Hey, Sam.
-Hey, Mr. D.
233
00:09:37,013 --> 00:09:38,019
-How's it going?
234
00:09:38,021 --> 00:09:41,003
-It's going good.
Um, yeah.
235
00:09:41,005 --> 00:09:42,016
How are you?
-Doing great.
236
00:09:42,018 --> 00:09:44,015
Just getting ready
for a crazy night,
237
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,012
so I will take a scoop
238
00:09:46,014 --> 00:09:48,008
of mint-chocolate-chip
ice cream, please.
239
00:09:48,010 --> 00:09:54,008
-Okay, I will get that.
I will get that for you.
240
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:56,019
I really love mint chip, too.
241
00:09:56,021 --> 00:09:58,017
It's very minty.
-Mm.
242
00:09:58,019 --> 00:10:01,020
-And really --
really fresh breath
243
00:10:01,022 --> 00:10:03,015
in my mouth.
244
00:10:03,017 --> 00:10:08,007
You must try -- your mouth.
245
00:10:08,009 --> 00:10:09,014
And there you go.
246
00:10:09,016 --> 00:10:11,022
-Great. All right.
And how much do I owe ya?
247
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,009
-Uh, consider it an
end-of-the-semester gift.
248
00:10:15,011 --> 00:10:18,004
-Ah, well, thank you.
249
00:10:18,006 --> 00:10:21,001
Hey, what, uh, school
did you decide on?
250
00:10:21,003 --> 00:10:23,009
-I'm going to state.
251
00:10:23,011 --> 00:10:25,009
Uh, private schools
are crazy expensive,
252
00:10:25,011 --> 00:10:28,021
and state gave me
a scholarship, so...
253
00:10:28,023 --> 00:10:32,017
-Well, state is
an awesome choice.
254
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:34,018
I'm gonna miss you, Sam.
255
00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:38,019
♪♪
256
00:10:38,021 --> 00:10:41,017
-Thank you.
[ Door bells jingle ]
257
00:10:41,019 --> 00:10:45,021
♪♪
258
00:10:45,023 --> 00:10:49,004
[ Sighs ]
259
00:10:49,006 --> 00:10:51,018
I love him.
260
00:10:51,020 --> 00:10:53,002
-What's up?
261
00:10:53,004 --> 00:10:54,023
-Hey, do you want
to go get piercings?
262
00:10:55,001 --> 00:10:56,009
-Uh, no can do.
263
00:10:56,011 --> 00:10:57,014
I'm going to the big
end-of-the-year party later.
264
00:10:57,016 --> 00:10:59,005
Shit's gonna be fucking lit.
265
00:10:59,007 --> 00:11:00,018
I heard at the same party last
year, someone fucked a dog.
266
00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:03,011
-What? How'd they get it
to stay still?
267
00:11:03,013 --> 00:11:05,004
-I don't know all the details.
268
00:11:05,006 --> 00:11:08,006
-Uh, where's the party?
-At Dave Silverstein's house.
269
00:11:08,008 --> 00:11:10,002
-[ Gasps ] Is he related
to Shel Silverstein?
270
00:11:10,004 --> 00:11:11,006
-Who?
271
00:11:11,008 --> 00:11:12,008
-You know,
"Where the Sidewalk Ends."
272
00:11:12,010 --> 00:11:13,014
-The sidewalk ends somewhere?
273
00:11:13,016 --> 00:11:15,015
-Just forget it.
Who's gonna be there?
274
00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:17,000
-Everyone's going.
275
00:11:17,002 --> 00:11:18,007
Jeremy's gonna be debuting
a new art project.
276
00:11:18,009 --> 00:11:19,022
At least, he's supposed to.
277
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,011
I'm not sure how he's doing
after the break-up and shit.
278
00:11:22,013 --> 00:11:23,012
-Break-up?
279
00:11:23,014 --> 00:11:26,002
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
280
00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:27,010
-Yes, bitch,
what have you not heard?
281
00:11:27,012 --> 00:11:29,018
Ashanti broke up with him.
282
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:30,022
I'm taking your silence
as excited.
283
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,010
I know, it's fucking amazing!
284
00:11:32,012 --> 00:11:36,004
-[ Exhales sharply ]
285
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:40,005
-Ugh, unicorns.
286
00:11:42,011 --> 00:11:43,022
-Hey, Dad, check it out!
287
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,000
I got a perfect score
on my A.P. comp final.
288
00:11:46,002 --> 00:11:47,023
-Good job, honey.
289
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:53,009
-Okay.
290
00:11:53,011 --> 00:11:56,012
I'm just gonna do some laundry.
291
00:11:59,001 --> 00:12:08,014
♪♪
292
00:12:08,016 --> 00:12:18,004
♪♪
293
00:12:18,006 --> 00:12:20,006
Dad?
294
00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:24,023
[ Doorbell rings ]
295
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:30,003
-What do you think?
296
00:12:30,005 --> 00:12:33,008
-It's not my favorite look
of yours.
297
00:12:33,010 --> 00:12:35,017
Is that
your stage manager shirt?
298
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:41,014
If one of those safety pins
decided to open,
299
00:12:41,016 --> 00:12:44,015
she could have been poked --
badly.
300
00:12:44,017 --> 00:12:47,005
Can I show you something?
301
00:12:47,007 --> 00:12:48,014
-Yeah.
302
00:12:48,016 --> 00:12:50,012
-These are the boobs
that I want.
303
00:12:50,014 --> 00:12:51,013
-I don't get it.
304
00:12:51,015 --> 00:12:52,020
Our entire culture is based
305
00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:55,000
on people's obsession
with big boobs.
306
00:12:55,002 --> 00:12:57,016
-I'd rather be able
to jog comfortably.
307
00:12:57,018 --> 00:13:00,016
Okay, we should work on
our co-valedictorian speech.
308
00:13:00,018 --> 00:13:02,001
Do you want to
start with a quote?
309
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:04,013
-No, no, everybody starts
with quotes.
310
00:13:04,015 --> 00:13:08,009
Actually, I heard about
this party tonight.
311
00:13:08,011 --> 00:13:10,012
Maybe we could pop in.
-We never pop in.
312
00:13:10,014 --> 00:13:14,004
-Yeah, but it's what
normal high-school kids do.
313
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:18,000
-I need to show you something.
314
00:13:21,005 --> 00:13:22,012
-Is that what I think it is?
315
00:13:22,014 --> 00:13:23,017
-I think so.
316
00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:25,017
-This is illegal.
-In most states, yes.
317
00:13:25,019 --> 00:13:30,013
-Where? How?
-I have my ways.
318
00:13:30,015 --> 00:13:32,000
-Should we smoke it?
319
00:13:32,002 --> 00:13:34,021
-What if it's not even pot?
320
00:13:34,023 --> 00:13:36,022
-[ Sniffs ]
321
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,003
It smells like pot.
322
00:13:38,005 --> 00:13:39,017
-How do you know
what pot smells like?
323
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:42,000
-From that time my moms
took me to the Lilith Fair.
324
00:13:42,002 --> 00:13:43,005
-You have to bear in mind
325
00:13:43,007 --> 00:13:45,019
that Danielle
is extremely persuasive.
326
00:13:45,021 --> 00:13:48,020
She's the captain
of the debate team.
327
00:13:48,022 --> 00:13:50,001
The captain!
328
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:51,018
[ Coughing ]
329
00:13:51,020 --> 00:13:54,018
-♪ Notice that hot shit
in your face ♪
330
00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:56,010
♪ Call that shit hibachi ♪
331
00:13:56,012 --> 00:13:59,003
-Come on, Sam,
I haven't even lit it yet.
332
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,022
-Frankincense is very strong.
333
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,006
Okay.
Um, this article says
334
00:14:04,008 --> 00:14:07,013
there are over 700 strains
of the marijuana plant.
335
00:14:07,015 --> 00:14:09,017
They're broken up into
three distinct groups,
336
00:14:09,019 --> 00:14:12,013
indica, sativa, and hybrid.
337
00:14:12,015 --> 00:14:14,013
Each has a different effect.
338
00:14:14,015 --> 00:14:16,014
How will we know
which kind we have?
339
00:14:16,016 --> 00:14:18,010
-There's only one way
to find out.
340
00:14:18,012 --> 00:14:21,019
♪♪
341
00:14:21,021 --> 00:14:25,002
-[ Coughs ]
-[ Laughs ]
342
00:14:25,004 --> 00:14:27,010
♪♪
343
00:14:27,012 --> 00:14:29,004
Let's give our joint a name.
344
00:14:29,006 --> 00:14:31,006
-Let's call it Justin Bieber.
345
00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:34,003
-Why?
346
00:14:34,005 --> 00:14:35,012
-I don't know.
347
00:14:35,014 --> 00:14:38,002
-I don't think
I'm feeling anything.
348
00:14:38,004 --> 00:14:40,011
♪♪
349
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:43,018
[ Distorted warble ]
350
00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:46,007
Are you experiencing
heavy eyelids,
351
00:14:46,009 --> 00:14:47,015
an increased appetite,
352
00:14:47,017 --> 00:14:51,002
or hyper-awareness
to sensory experiences?
353
00:14:51,004 --> 00:14:53,017
-I feel like we're in 3-D.
354
00:14:53,019 --> 00:14:55,019
-Aren't we always in 3-D?
355
00:14:55,021 --> 00:14:59,013
-Yeah, but...more.
356
00:14:59,015 --> 00:15:02,003
-There are also a lot
of super-negative
side effects listed.
357
00:15:02,005 --> 00:15:05,006
-Like what?
-Coughing, asthma.
358
00:15:05,008 --> 00:15:08,011
-[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh, my God.
359
00:15:08,013 --> 00:15:11,003
I for-- I forgot
to bring my inhaler.
360
00:15:11,005 --> 00:15:15,014
-Sam, we're in yourroom.
361
00:15:15,016 --> 00:15:19,005
-Oh.
Oh, yeah.
362
00:15:19,007 --> 00:15:20,015
Close call.
363
00:15:20,017 --> 00:15:22,012
[ Both chuckle ]
364
00:15:22,014 --> 00:15:25,019
[ Cellphone chimes ]
365
00:15:25,021 --> 00:15:28,004
Oh, my God.
366
00:15:28,006 --> 00:15:30,000
I just got a text from Mr. D.
367
00:15:30,002 --> 00:15:33,002
Damn it. I forgot to turn in
the teacher evaluations.
368
00:15:33,004 --> 00:15:35,000
I got so sidetracked by
the whole yearbook thing.
369
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:38,000
-You should text him back.
-Okay.
370
00:15:39,018 --> 00:15:43,009
[ Distorted warble ]
371
00:15:43,011 --> 00:15:46,009
I forgot how to use my phone.
-I'll do it.
372
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:47,022
-Wait, I remembered
how to use it!
373
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,020
-I'm composing a text. I --
[ Cellphone bloops ]
374
00:15:50,022 --> 00:15:52,002
Oh, no.
375
00:15:52,004 --> 00:15:54,014
-What?
376
00:15:54,016 --> 00:15:56,018
-It's not that bad.
-Show me.
377
00:15:59,013 --> 00:16:01,002
Oh, this was bad.
378
00:16:01,004 --> 00:16:03,017
You've texted Mr. D
my dream boobs?!
379
00:16:03,019 --> 00:16:06,002
-Why were they saved
to your cut and paste?
380
00:16:06,004 --> 00:16:07,017
Oh, my God.
381
00:16:07,019 --> 00:16:10,009
Oh, my God, okay.
Okay.
382
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:12,017
Okay, here -- here's
what we're gonna do.
383
00:16:12,019 --> 00:16:14,021
Okay, we're gonna -- we're gonna
go to Mr. D's house,
384
00:16:14,023 --> 00:16:16,021
and -- and we're gonna break in.
385
00:16:16,023 --> 00:16:18,013
And we're gonna hack into
his phone and delete it.
386
00:16:18,015 --> 00:16:20,021
-What are talking about?
It's a text, it's instantaneous.
387
00:16:20,023 --> 00:16:22,022
He's seen it already.
388
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,007
-Oh, my God, he's writing back.
What do I do?
389
00:16:25,009 --> 00:16:29,001
-Let's just wait patiently.
We'll see what he says.
390
00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:36,018
♪♪
391
00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:39,023
Maybe he's driving.
392
00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:42,001
[ Cellphone ringing ]
-Oh, my God. He's calling.
393
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:43,023
He's calling. What do I do?
394
00:16:44,001 --> 00:16:45,012
-Pick it up.
-I can't pick it up.
395
00:16:45,014 --> 00:16:47,014
I'll say something stupid!
I -- I can't pick it up.
396
00:16:47,016 --> 00:16:51,002
-Then put it down.
397
00:16:51,004 --> 00:16:53,005
[ Ringing stops ]
398
00:16:56,013 --> 00:16:58,006
Look at the bright side --
399
00:16:58,008 --> 00:17:00,004
We're doing what
normal high-school kids do,
400
00:17:00,006 --> 00:17:01,006
we're sexting.
401
00:17:01,008 --> 00:17:02,017
This is -- This is so good.
402
00:17:02,019 --> 00:17:05,023
-Normal high schoolers
don't sext their teachers.
403
00:17:06,001 --> 00:17:07,021
And you're supposed to sext
with your own parts,
404
00:17:07,023 --> 00:17:09,004
not other people's parts.
405
00:17:09,006 --> 00:17:10,018
-Yeah, I don't want
to freak you out,
406
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:12,014
but we did have a case like this
come up in mock trial.
407
00:17:12,016 --> 00:17:14,012
-And?
-Well, because you're underage,
408
00:17:14,014 --> 00:17:16,018
this text is considered
child pornography.
409
00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:19,006
-Child pornography?
410
00:17:19,008 --> 00:17:21,017
They're not even my boobs.
-I know.
411
00:17:21,019 --> 00:17:24,017
-Oh, my God.
I'm -- I'm a sex offender.
412
00:17:24,019 --> 00:17:26,016
I'm -- I'm gonna have
to go door to door
413
00:17:26,018 --> 00:17:27,018
informing all of my neighbors.
414
00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:29,019
-We can fix this.
We just...
415
00:17:29,021 --> 00:17:31,007
We have to get rid
of your phone.
416
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,019
And then we can plead the Fifth.
417
00:17:32,021 --> 00:17:34,004
We'll say someone stole it,
they sent the boobs,
418
00:17:34,006 --> 00:17:35,010
we don't know
whose boobs those are.
419
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,017
Those boobs could be anybody's.
420
00:17:36,019 --> 00:17:38,015
-They literally
could be anybody's.
421
00:17:41,005 --> 00:17:44,005
Can I at least back it up first?
422
00:17:44,007 --> 00:17:46,013
-Aim for the pavement.
423
00:17:48,022 --> 00:17:50,015
[ Clatter ]
424
00:17:50,017 --> 00:17:53,012
Are you hungry?
425
00:17:55,017 --> 00:17:58,003
-We're under the influence
of a controlled substance.
426
00:17:58,005 --> 00:18:00,006
Don't you think we should stay
in a controlled environment?
427
00:18:00,008 --> 00:18:02,016
-A few blocks is fine.
428
00:18:02,018 --> 00:18:05,008
I still don't think that
I'm feeling anything.
429
00:18:05,010 --> 00:18:08,009
[ Whimsical music playing ]
430
00:18:08,011 --> 00:18:11,004
-Do you see that?
-What?
431
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:13,005
-Don't those clouds
look like boobs?
432
00:18:13,007 --> 00:18:18,015
♪♪
433
00:18:18,017 --> 00:18:20,022
-No.
Ooh, let's play a game!
434
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,016
If you could choose
one species of tree
435
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,005
to best define yourself,
what would you choose?
436
00:18:25,007 --> 00:18:28,016
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
437
00:18:28,018 --> 00:18:30,021
Jeremy would definitely
be a poplar tree.
438
00:18:30,023 --> 00:18:33,011
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
439
00:18:33,013 --> 00:18:38,007
♪♪
440
00:18:38,009 --> 00:18:42,008
-Hey, girl. I got your text.
441
00:18:42,010 --> 00:18:44,020
And now I'm in heaven.
442
00:18:44,022 --> 00:18:47,015
[ Auto-tuned ] ♪ Now I'm
dancing here in heaven ♪
443
00:18:47,017 --> 00:18:50,001
♪ You're super sexy, Sam ♪
444
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:52,015
♪ 'Cause I'm dancing
here in heaven ♪
445
00:18:52,017 --> 00:18:56,001
♪ And your text,
it was the best ♪
446
00:18:56,003 --> 00:18:58,015
[ Normal voice ] And I'm always
gonna love you, Sam.
447
00:18:58,017 --> 00:19:00,017
You're more
than just a girl.
448
00:19:00,019 --> 00:19:03,023
You're a fellow scientist.
449
00:19:04,001 --> 00:19:06,016
♪ And contemporary -- ♪
450
00:19:06,018 --> 00:19:08,001
-Ooh, look at that cute dog.
451
00:19:08,003 --> 00:19:15,004
♪♪
452
00:19:15,006 --> 00:19:17,006
Wasn't that credit card
only supposed to be used
453
00:19:17,008 --> 00:19:19,005
for emergencies?
454
00:19:19,007 --> 00:19:22,017
-This was an emergency.
Zelda needed a home.
455
00:19:22,019 --> 00:19:26,009
[ Upbeat pop music playing ]
456
00:19:26,011 --> 00:19:28,017
-Sam?
-Yeah.
457
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,012
-I think I'm high now.
458
00:19:32,014 --> 00:19:33,014
[ Snickers ]
459
00:19:33,016 --> 00:19:36,013
[ Both giggle ]
460
00:19:36,015 --> 00:19:39,000
This is so unexpected.
461
00:19:39,002 --> 00:19:42,021
[ Mid-tempo techno music
playing ]
462
00:19:42,023 --> 00:19:48,023
♪♪
463
00:19:49,001 --> 00:19:51,011
-♪ I don't eat ♪
464
00:19:51,013 --> 00:19:52,021
♪ I don't sleep ♪
465
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:58,006
♪ I do nothing
but think of you ♪
466
00:19:58,008 --> 00:20:00,010
♪ I don't eat ♪
467
00:20:00,012 --> 00:20:01,022
♪ I don't sleep ♪
468
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:07,002
♪ I do nothing
but think of you ♪
469
00:20:07,004 --> 00:20:09,014
♪ You keep me
under your spell ♪
470
00:20:09,016 --> 00:20:11,021
♪ You keep me
under your spell ♪
471
00:20:11,023 --> 00:20:14,020
♪ You keep me
under your spell ♪
472
00:20:15,023 --> 00:20:18,016
♪ You keep me
under your spell ♪
473
00:20:18,018 --> 00:20:20,018
♪ You keep me
under your spell ♪
474
00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:22,003
♪ You keep me ♪
475
00:20:22,005 --> 00:20:23,014
-You realize none
of what you just ate
476
00:20:23,016 --> 00:20:25,023
is dairy-free, right?
477
00:20:26,001 --> 00:20:27,019
That's, like, all dairy.
478
00:20:27,021 --> 00:20:30,006
-[ Snorts ]
479
00:20:30,008 --> 00:20:31,016
[ Both laugh ]
480
00:20:31,018 --> 00:20:33,001
[ Door bells jingle ]
481
00:20:33,003 --> 00:20:35,010
-Oh, hi.
482
00:20:35,012 --> 00:20:37,002
-We were just --
-We were just closing up.
483
00:20:37,004 --> 00:20:38,015
-Oh.
Can I just please get
484
00:20:38,017 --> 00:20:40,014
a pint of cookie-dough ice cream
really quick?
485
00:20:40,016 --> 00:20:42,022
I'm pregnant.
486
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,001
-Yeah.
487
00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:46,019
Mm-hmm.
488
00:20:46,021 --> 00:20:48,020
Yes. Okay.
489
00:20:48,022 --> 00:20:50,022
I just have to disinfect
the scooper.
490
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,015
-Just dairy procedure.
491
00:20:54,017 --> 00:20:55,022
-[ Sighs ]
492
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,005
-What do we do?
I can't have a dog in here.
493
00:20:57,007 --> 00:20:58,009
It's a health-code violation.
494
00:20:58,011 --> 00:20:59,018
-Relax. We'll just
give her a pint.
495
00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:00,022
-She'll know I'm high.
496
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,011
-How?
-By the way I scoop.
497
00:21:02,013 --> 00:21:03,020
I'm scooping all funny.
498
00:21:03,022 --> 00:21:05,013
I mean, what if she writes
a bad Yelp review?
499
00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:07,000
I can't afford any bad press.
500
00:21:07,002 --> 00:21:09,014
-I'll distract her
while you scoop.
501
00:21:09,016 --> 00:21:13,007
-What about our eyes?
Our eyes are all red.
502
00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:18,008
-Nice shades.
503
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:22,017
♪♪
504
00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:24,012
You know what's weird?
505
00:21:24,014 --> 00:21:27,002
This is a geriatric pregnancy.
506
00:21:27,004 --> 00:21:28,022
'Cause I'm 35.
507
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,003
Geriatric.
That sounds, like, so old.
508
00:21:32,005 --> 00:21:35,010
I mean, I still feel very young.
People card me all the time.
509
00:21:35,012 --> 00:21:38,004
So, yeah. Okay, thanks.
510
00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:40,007
Okay.
[ Zelda barking ]
511
00:21:40,009 --> 00:21:42,000
-Woof!
-Oh!
512
00:21:42,002 --> 00:21:45,006
-Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Woof!
513
00:21:45,008 --> 00:21:47,002
-Okay.
[ Cellphone bloops ]
514
00:21:47,004 --> 00:21:50,008
♪♪
515
00:21:50,010 --> 00:21:52,009
-We have to go
to this party.
516
00:21:52,011 --> 00:21:54,005
-What?! It's on
the other side of town.
517
00:21:54,007 --> 00:21:57,003
-We could Uber.
-I'm politically opposed.
518
00:21:57,005 --> 00:21:58,016
-I gave you a 20.
519
00:21:58,018 --> 00:22:00,011
You know, actually,
I'm driving across town.
520
00:22:00,013 --> 00:22:01,019
I could take you guys.
521
00:22:01,021 --> 00:22:03,023
-Oh, no, we're good.
-Sure, we'll take a ride!
522
00:22:06,003 --> 00:22:07,012
-What about Zelda?
523
00:22:07,014 --> 00:22:09,009
-Oh, she's got food,
she's got water. She's fine.
524
00:22:09,011 --> 00:22:10,021
We'll get her afterwards.
525
00:22:10,023 --> 00:22:12,020
I call shotgun!
526
00:22:15,006 --> 00:22:17,009
-I do not feel good about this.
527
00:22:17,011 --> 00:22:20,003
-So, are you guys
in high school?
528
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:22,023
-We graduate on Monday.
-We're co-valedictorians.
529
00:22:23,001 --> 00:22:26,019
-Wow! I got VIPs in my car.
Cool.
530
00:22:26,021 --> 00:22:30,003
-9-4. Bringing in one warrant
on a license,
531
00:22:30,005 --> 00:22:34,019
1-Mary-William-Sam 3-2-0-M-A.
532
00:22:34,021 --> 00:22:38,001
-This is an interesting car.
533
00:22:38,003 --> 00:22:40,004
-We were in that car for,
like, a good 15 minutes
534
00:22:40,006 --> 00:22:42,002
before we figured it out.
535
00:22:42,004 --> 00:22:44,006
A pregnant cop.
536
00:22:44,008 --> 00:22:45,022
I mean, what are the odds?
537
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,006
-And now I just sit in an office
538
00:22:47,008 --> 00:22:50,000
and scroll through Instagram
and social media
539
00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:52,006
and try to find pictures
of people doing drugs.
540
00:22:52,008 --> 00:22:54,003
-[ Thinking ] My heart isbeating out of my chest.
541
00:22:54,005 --> 00:22:55,013
[ Heart beating ]
Everyone can hear my heart.
542
00:22:55,015 --> 00:22:57,003
[ Thinking ]
-I have no heartbeat.
543
00:22:57,005 --> 00:22:59,015
-Oh, you stupid heart!Shut up! Shut up!
544
00:22:59,017 --> 00:23:03,007
-...doing cocaine off the back
of a turtle shell.
545
00:23:03,009 --> 00:23:04,010
Isn't that insane?
546
00:23:04,012 --> 00:23:05,012
-I don't have a heart.
547
00:23:05,014 --> 00:23:07,001
I'm also not breathing.
548
00:23:07,003 --> 00:23:08,021
Wrong wrist.Fuck!
549
00:23:08,023 --> 00:23:11,004
-Shut up, shut up, shut up.
550
00:23:11,006 --> 00:23:13,007
-I'm dead. When did I get dead?
551
00:23:13,009 --> 00:23:14,014
-...smoking weed.
552
00:23:14,016 --> 00:23:16,009
They definitely act
a certain way.
553
00:23:16,011 --> 00:23:18,013
-Sam, can you hear me?
554
00:23:18,015 --> 00:23:21,019
-I can hear you?-Holy shit!
555
00:23:21,021 --> 00:23:23,015
-I once got a Slurpee
in the face.
556
00:23:23,017 --> 00:23:25,008
-This is good. Thank you!
557
00:23:25,010 --> 00:23:28,007
-Oh, really? Okay.
558
00:23:28,009 --> 00:23:30,019
My name's Patty, by the way.
559
00:23:30,021 --> 00:23:32,005
[ Car doors close ]
560
00:23:32,007 --> 00:23:33,006
Okay.
561
00:23:33,008 --> 00:23:35,015
-Uh, yeah, I miss you, too, Mom.
562
00:23:35,017 --> 00:23:38,009
Yeah, no, the house feels
really empty with you here.
563
00:23:38,011 --> 00:23:41,015
[ Hip-hop music playing ]
564
00:23:41,017 --> 00:23:44,010
-Do you think Jeremy's here?
565
00:23:44,012 --> 00:23:46,008
-I don't know.
566
00:23:46,010 --> 00:23:49,000
-♪ That stuff went down
when the lights come off, unh ♪
567
00:23:49,002 --> 00:23:51,002
♪ Bad girl,
you don't need a halo ♪
568
00:23:51,004 --> 00:23:53,012
♪ Pull out, game strong,
no cradle ♪
569
00:23:53,014 --> 00:23:55,019
♪ Turn around, girl,
pop that J.Lo ♪
570
00:23:55,021 --> 00:23:58,011
♪ Spin around,
'round like a tornado ♪
571
00:23:58,013 --> 00:24:01,000
-♪ You ♪
Yo.
572
00:24:01,002 --> 00:24:02,021
Alex R., Alex M.,
what that fuck's up, dudes?
573
00:24:02,023 --> 00:24:04,022
You guys want to play
some fucking beer pong?
574
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,008
Fuck no.
-[ Coughs ] Loser.
575
00:24:06,010 --> 00:24:08,021
Hey. Pong, bro?
576
00:24:10,002 --> 00:24:12,012
Hey, you want to play?
Team Money, yeah?
577
00:24:12,014 --> 00:24:13,014
Fuck.
578
00:24:13,016 --> 00:24:15,022
Oh, shit.
This party's fuckin' lit!
579
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,000
We even got the nerd herd
up in this bitch, dude!
580
00:24:20,002 --> 00:24:23,015
-This is the opposite
of a controlled environment.
581
00:24:23,017 --> 00:24:26,020
[ Muffled hip-hop playing ]
582
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,017
High-school parties suck.
583
00:24:35,019 --> 00:24:37,021
There aren't even any magicians.
584
00:24:40,003 --> 00:24:42,004
-[ Panting ]
585
00:24:42,006 --> 00:24:43,007
Oh.
586
00:24:43,009 --> 00:24:45,015
[ Urinating ]
587
00:24:48,005 --> 00:24:50,021
[ Moaning ]
588
00:24:56,021 --> 00:24:59,018
Oh.
589
00:24:59,020 --> 00:25:02,005
[ Groans ]
590
00:25:02,007 --> 00:25:05,000
Oh, hey!
591
00:25:05,002 --> 00:25:06,014
Hi.
592
00:25:06,016 --> 00:25:08,014
Um...
593
00:25:08,016 --> 00:25:09,022
Do you guys need to go?
594
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:13,015
Or should I just flush?
595
00:25:13,017 --> 00:25:17,022
-No, we're good.
-Oh.
596
00:25:18,021 --> 00:25:21,014
Oof.
[ Toilet flushes ]
597
00:25:24,015 --> 00:25:26,022
Do my eyebrows look
like caterpillars?
598
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:31,007
-No. They look like eyebrows.
599
00:25:31,009 --> 00:25:33,015
-I've never seen
you guys before.
600
00:25:33,017 --> 00:25:36,008
Are you
foreign exchange students?
601
00:25:36,010 --> 00:25:39,002
Are you Russian?
You look Russian.
602
00:25:39,004 --> 00:25:40,019
You especially look Russian.
603
00:25:40,021 --> 00:25:43,002
-Is that a good thing?
-No.
604
00:25:43,004 --> 00:25:44,015
[ Giggles ]
605
00:25:44,017 --> 00:25:52,002
I'm gonna call you Tatiana,
and you...Olga.
606
00:25:52,004 --> 00:25:55,002
-I did discover later that I do
have some Russian ancestry,
607
00:25:55,004 --> 00:25:59,019
so...her observation was not
completely without merit.
608
00:25:59,021 --> 00:26:01,016
-So, the EDM kids are in there.
609
00:26:01,018 --> 00:26:05,002
[ House music plays ]
That's where you'll find Molly!
610
00:26:05,004 --> 00:26:07,019
-Who's Molly?
-Molly from Astronomy?
611
00:26:07,021 --> 00:26:09,013
-I'm building houses
for Habitat for Humanity.
612
00:26:09,015 --> 00:26:12,007
You can't --
-I love your earrings!
613
00:26:12,009 --> 00:26:15,003
-Oh, my God! Thank you!
I made them myself.
614
00:26:15,005 --> 00:26:17,018
-They're feathers.
-Oh, a pigeon gave them to me.
615
00:26:19,019 --> 00:26:21,018
-Pigeons like her.
616
00:26:21,020 --> 00:26:23,008
-Hey, nerds!
-What the hell?
617
00:26:23,010 --> 00:26:25,005
-You want to come play with us?
[ Laughs obnoxiously ]
618
00:26:25,007 --> 00:26:26,010
Come play us, bro.
619
00:26:26,012 --> 00:26:28,011
-No, thanks.
-Yeah.
620
00:26:28,013 --> 00:26:30,004
Yeah, we're gonna play you.
621
00:26:30,006 --> 00:26:32,021
-Oh, fuck yeah, dude! Chicks.
622
00:26:32,023 --> 00:26:35,000
-No.
-S'up?!
623
00:26:35,002 --> 00:26:36,004
-Have a good night.
624
00:26:36,006 --> 00:26:38,023
-Let's go.
Under one condition.
625
00:26:39,001 --> 00:26:42,006
After we beat you guys,
you leave us alone.
626
00:26:42,008 --> 00:26:44,014
-Fuckin' tight.
Uh, you in, bro?
627
00:26:44,016 --> 00:26:46,004
-Sssh, I ain't afraid
of no ghosts.
628
00:26:46,006 --> 00:26:47,009
-Hell yeah.
629
00:26:47,011 --> 00:26:49,004
Bitch's ball.
630
00:26:49,006 --> 00:26:53,021
♪♪
631
00:26:53,023 --> 00:26:58,017
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
632
00:26:58,019 --> 00:27:00,006
-[ Gasps ] Oh.
633
00:27:00,008 --> 00:27:01,009
-Yo!
-Oh!
634
00:27:01,011 --> 00:27:02,019
-You need to work
on your aim, dude.
635
00:27:02,021 --> 00:27:04,016
That was fuckin' terrible
as fuck.
636
00:27:04,018 --> 00:27:06,004
-Money.
-Yeah, dude.
637
00:27:06,006 --> 00:27:07,019
Let me show you how it's done.
Here we go.
638
00:27:10,017 --> 00:27:12,000
-Ohhh!
-Ohhh!
639
00:27:12,002 --> 00:27:14,008
-Time to drink!
-Drink up, dude.
640
00:27:14,010 --> 00:27:17,022
Oh, yeah.
641
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:19,010
-Time-out.
642
00:27:19,012 --> 00:27:21,017
-No, there aren't any fuckin'
time-outs in beer pong.
643
00:27:21,019 --> 00:27:24,005
-Danielle?
I do not feel comfortable
644
00:27:24,007 --> 00:27:29,000
mixing two different
controlled substances.
645
00:27:29,002 --> 00:27:30,007
-We can't forfeit.
646
00:27:30,009 --> 00:27:32,002
-Why?
It's a stupid drinking game.
647
00:27:32,004 --> 00:27:33,021
-No, this game is a metaphor
648
00:27:33,023 --> 00:27:35,015
for the entire
high-school experience
649
00:27:35,017 --> 00:27:37,022
that we've been missing out on.
650
00:27:40,001 --> 00:27:41,009
-Okay.
651
00:27:41,011 --> 00:27:44,011
This is a simple game
of distraction and aerodynamics.
652
00:27:44,013 --> 00:27:47,010
So, if you can
sufficiently distract them,
653
00:27:47,012 --> 00:27:50,003
I think I can address
our lack of accuracy.
654
00:27:50,005 --> 00:27:51,012
-I was hoping
you would say that.
655
00:27:51,014 --> 00:27:54,022
-Hey. Um, I really want
to help you guys,
656
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,000
but I'm fucking wasted.
657
00:27:57,002 --> 00:27:58,015
-How much did you drink?
658
00:27:58,017 --> 00:28:02,010
-I got a vodka tampon
up my butt.
659
00:28:03,010 --> 00:28:05,006
-That can't be good.
660
00:28:05,008 --> 00:28:12,000
♪♪
661
00:28:12,002 --> 00:28:15,015
-What the fuck are they doing?
662
00:28:15,017 --> 00:28:18,017
-95 and a quarter.
663
00:28:18,019 --> 00:28:20,011
-♪ Girls rock ♪
664
00:28:20,013 --> 00:28:21,018
♪ Girls bad ♪
665
00:28:21,020 --> 00:28:23,017
-Hey, hello.
Are we gonna play or what?
666
00:28:23,019 --> 00:28:27,009
-Hi!
667
00:28:27,011 --> 00:28:29,018
-We're ready.
668
00:28:29,020 --> 00:28:32,015
I used the Kutta-Joukowski
Theorem of Aerodynamics
669
00:28:32,017 --> 00:28:34,005
to create a formula,
670
00:28:34,007 --> 00:28:37,002
and Danielle's passion
for Shakespeare's sonnets
671
00:28:37,004 --> 00:28:38,010
finally paid off.
672
00:28:38,012 --> 00:28:39,021
Now.
673
00:28:39,023 --> 00:28:41,016
-♪ And you never feltthis way before ♪
674
00:28:41,018 --> 00:28:44,015
-Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
675
00:28:44,017 --> 00:28:47,019
Thou art more lovely
and more temperate.
676
00:28:47,021 --> 00:28:49,022
-What is she doing?
677
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:51,020
-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
678
00:28:51,022 --> 00:28:55,007
-Sometime too hot the eye
of heaven shines.
679
00:28:55,009 --> 00:28:57,023
-Forget this bitch, dude.
Fuckin' sink it, bro.
680
00:28:58,001 --> 00:29:02,023
-But long as men can breathe
and eyes can see,
681
00:29:03,001 --> 00:29:08,001
so long lives this,
and this gives life to thee.
682
00:29:08,003 --> 00:29:12,006
-Oh, my God! It was
a fuckin' easy shot, dawg.
683
00:29:12,008 --> 00:29:13,018
-It's our ball.
684
00:29:16,014 --> 00:29:19,015
-Sometime this Goddamn
century, homey!
685
00:29:19,017 --> 00:29:23,022
♪♪
686
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,004
[ Cheers and applause ]
687
00:29:26,006 --> 00:29:27,023
Dude, come on!
688
00:29:28,001 --> 00:29:31,004
♪♪
689
00:29:31,006 --> 00:29:33,000
[ Crowd cheering ]
690
00:29:33,002 --> 00:29:36,014
♪♪
691
00:29:36,016 --> 00:29:37,023
-Yes, bitch.
692
00:29:38,001 --> 00:29:45,002
♪♪
693
00:29:45,004 --> 00:29:47,010
[ Crowd cheering ]
694
00:29:47,012 --> 00:29:49,020
-No, I don't want anymore.
695
00:29:49,022 --> 00:29:52,016
-[ Chanting ] Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!
696
00:29:52,018 --> 00:29:55,018
-Last one.
-Samielle! Samielle! Samielle!
697
00:29:55,020 --> 00:29:59,013
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
698
00:29:59,015 --> 00:30:03,020
Samielle! Samielle!
Samielle! Samielle!
699
00:30:03,022 --> 00:30:05,022
♪♪
700
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:08,010
-No! What?!
Are you serious!
701
00:30:08,012 --> 00:30:10,009
What the hell, bro?
702
00:30:10,011 --> 00:30:12,003
-[ Babbling indistinctly ]
703
00:30:12,005 --> 00:30:15,011
Morgan, get off!
Quit! Get off of me!
704
00:30:15,013 --> 00:30:18,000
-You are so amazing!
My best friend.
705
00:30:18,002 --> 00:30:19,004
-Hi.
-Can you teach me
706
00:30:19,006 --> 00:30:20,007
how to shoot like that?
-Yeah!
707
00:30:20,009 --> 00:30:22,014
-Sonnet Number 18, right?
708
00:30:22,016 --> 00:30:24,011
-It's my favorite of
Shakespeare's sonnets.
709
00:30:24,013 --> 00:30:26,008
-Mine, too.
-Are you serious, bro?!
710
00:30:26,010 --> 00:30:27,022
-Wow. It's really loud in here.
711
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,021
You want to go someplace
where we can talk?
712
00:30:29,023 --> 00:30:32,017
-Yeah.
713
00:30:32,019 --> 00:30:34,008
-You play a lot
of beer pong, then?
714
00:30:34,010 --> 00:30:36,011
-No, I literally -- I have
never heard of beer pong --
715
00:30:36,013 --> 00:30:37,011
until tonight.
716
00:30:37,013 --> 00:30:39,004
-That was awesome.
-Yeah!
717
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,003
[ Insects chirping ]
718
00:30:43,005 --> 00:30:45,015
-This is...
719
00:30:45,017 --> 00:30:47,008
this is really spacious.
720
00:30:47,010 --> 00:30:49,008
-[ Chuckles ]
721
00:30:49,010 --> 00:30:50,019
It's pretty sick, right?
722
00:30:50,021 --> 00:30:55,005
-Yeah. Yeah.
723
00:30:55,007 --> 00:30:56,018
I...
724
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:59,014
I-I love what you did
with the exterior.
725
00:30:59,016 --> 00:31:01,007
-Oh, yeah. I mean...
726
00:31:01,009 --> 00:31:02,014
[ Chuckles ]
727
00:31:02,016 --> 00:31:04,014
...it's -- it's all
a part of my brand.
728
00:31:04,016 --> 00:31:07,000
You know, it's like...
729
00:31:07,002 --> 00:31:09,017
I don't want there
to be any separation
730
00:31:09,019 --> 00:31:11,007
between me and my work.
731
00:31:11,009 --> 00:31:16,022
I want to drive my art.
I want to live my art.
732
00:31:17,001 --> 00:31:18,017
-Wow.
733
00:31:18,019 --> 00:31:21,011
-You know, I just finished
a new piece.
734
00:31:21,013 --> 00:31:25,003
I was, uh -- I was actually
gonna debut it tonight,
735
00:31:25,005 --> 00:31:28,000
but I got cold feet.
736
00:31:28,002 --> 00:31:30,002
Would you like to see it?
737
00:31:30,004 --> 00:31:31,020
-I'd be honored.
738
00:31:31,022 --> 00:31:33,001
-Are you working tonight?
739
00:31:33,003 --> 00:31:34,011
-Oh, this is not just
for fashion.
740
00:31:34,013 --> 00:31:35,020
I am on the clock.
741
00:31:35,022 --> 00:31:37,003
Teachers keep calling,
by the way.
742
00:31:37,005 --> 00:31:38,015
It's so weird.
-Really?
743
00:31:38,017 --> 00:31:40,011
-Yeah, delivering to teachers
is fucking amazing.
744
00:31:40,013 --> 00:31:41,016
You literally
learn shit about them
745
00:31:41,018 --> 00:31:43,000
you didn't even need to know.
746
00:31:43,002 --> 00:31:44,006
Like, every time
I see Ms. Murphy,
747
00:31:44,008 --> 00:31:46,009
she's always with
a different dude.
748
00:31:46,011 --> 00:31:47,019
I just want to be like,
"What's up, Ms. Murphy?
749
00:31:47,021 --> 00:31:49,018
Like, art thou a ho?"
750
00:31:49,020 --> 00:31:50,023
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
751
00:31:51,001 --> 00:31:53,001
So, what about Mr. D?
752
00:31:53,003 --> 00:31:54,019
-Mr. D is definitely
not a ho, sadly.
753
00:31:54,021 --> 00:31:56,015
But he's pretty cool.
It's weird, though.
754
00:31:56,017 --> 00:31:59,002
I was at his house tonight, and
there was all these cops there.
755
00:31:59,004 --> 00:32:00,014
-Really?
-Yeah, it was so strange.
756
00:32:00,016 --> 00:32:02,012
They kept, like, asking me
hella questions and shit.
757
00:32:02,014 --> 00:32:04,001
But more importantly,
kudos to your dad
758
00:32:04,003 --> 00:32:06,002
for fucking up
that unicorn bitch.
759
00:32:06,004 --> 00:32:08,000
-What?
760
00:32:08,002 --> 00:32:10,000
-[ Distorted ]
Oh, you didn't hear?
761
00:32:10,002 --> 00:32:12,003
Yo, someone, like,
broke into your shop.
762
00:32:12,005 --> 00:32:13,016
I don't know if it was
the unicorn dude,
763
00:32:13,018 --> 00:32:16,004
but your dad definitely
thinks it is.
764
00:32:16,006 --> 00:32:19,013
All the freezers were open,
the ice cream all melted.
765
00:32:19,015 --> 00:32:22,008
He kept talking
about some dog, too.
766
00:32:22,010 --> 00:32:24,007
[ Inhaler hisses ]
767
00:32:24,009 --> 00:32:28,004
[ Up-tempo electronic music
playing ]
768
00:32:28,006 --> 00:32:32,007
♪♪
769
00:32:32,009 --> 00:32:35,000
Hey. I'm so sorry.
Hi. Hi, have you seen Danielle?
770
00:32:35,002 --> 00:32:37,007
Have you -- have you -- have you
seen Danielle Compton?
771
00:32:37,009 --> 00:32:39,020
Hi. Have you seen my friend?
Excuse me.
772
00:32:39,022 --> 00:32:42,021
Excuse me, have you seen
Danielle Compton?
773
00:32:42,023 --> 00:32:48,006
-I call it..."Unsolicited."
774
00:32:48,008 --> 00:32:51,006
-It's, uh --
It's a lot of penises.
775
00:32:51,008 --> 00:32:52,013
-They're all mine.
776
00:32:52,015 --> 00:32:53,017
-[ Knocks on window ]
-[ Gasps ]
777
00:32:53,019 --> 00:32:56,009
-[ Mouths
"Roll your window down" ]
778
00:32:56,011 --> 00:32:57,015
-Hey.
-Hi.
779
00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:59,000
-Jeremy was just
showing me his penises.
780
00:32:59,002 --> 00:33:00,013
-Hi.
Okay, we need to go.
781
00:33:00,015 --> 00:33:02,004
All right, it's an emergency.
Get out of the car.
782
00:33:02,006 --> 00:33:04,001
-What? Why?
-My dad,
783
00:33:04,003 --> 00:33:05,016
the police -- every-- Zelda.
784
00:33:05,018 --> 00:33:07,004
Like, everything's kind of
blowing up right now.
785
00:33:07,006 --> 00:33:10,017
-What are you talking about?
-It's the Bieber.
786
00:33:10,019 --> 00:33:12,020
It's -- It's really
fucking me up.
787
00:33:12,022 --> 00:33:14,008
-Sam, can we talk
about this later?
788
00:33:14,010 --> 00:33:17,022
I'm a little bit busy right now.
789
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:19,014
-D, I really need
your help right now,
790
00:33:19,016 --> 00:33:20,023
because I'm feeling
really fucked up.
791
00:33:21,001 --> 00:33:22,009
So if you could just please --
792
00:33:22,011 --> 00:33:25,023
-Okay. Do you have Bieber?
793
00:33:26,001 --> 00:33:28,004
-Yeah.
-Hand it over.
794
00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:30,006
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go over there,
795
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,002
and you're gonna do
some jumping jacks.
796
00:33:32,004 --> 00:33:35,002
You'll feel better in no time.
I'll come find you later.
797
00:33:35,004 --> 00:33:36,011
All right?
-What are you doing?
798
00:33:36,013 --> 00:33:38,021
-No more Bieber for you.
-No! No, no, no, no, no!
799
00:33:38,023 --> 00:33:39,022
No, no, no!
-Relax!
800
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:41,018
-Do not close the window.
801
00:33:41,020 --> 00:33:45,000
It wasn't just that
she rolled up the window.
802
00:33:45,002 --> 00:33:46,004
Oh, no, this...
803
00:33:46,006 --> 00:33:48,004
this was far greater than that.
804
00:33:48,006 --> 00:33:50,008
Okay, this -- this is about
the universal law
805
00:33:50,010 --> 00:33:52,005
of cause and effect.
806
00:33:52,007 --> 00:33:53,018
She was the one who wanted
to smoke the Bieber.
807
00:33:53,020 --> 00:33:55,010
-Should we smoke it?
808
00:33:55,012 --> 00:33:57,022
-She was the one who wanted to
leave a controlled environment.
809
00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,006
-Are you hungry?
810
00:33:59,008 --> 00:34:00,010
-She was one who wanted
to go to the party.
811
00:34:00,012 --> 00:34:01,016
-We have to go to this party.
812
00:34:01,018 --> 00:34:03,010
-If I had never smoked
the Bieber...
813
00:34:03,012 --> 00:34:04,023
[ Rewinding ]
814
00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:06,010
...I wouldn't have gone
to the party.
815
00:34:06,012 --> 00:34:07,022
[ Rewinding ]
816
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:09,020
And if I didn't go to the party,
817
00:34:09,022 --> 00:34:13,007
I would not have done
what I did next.
818
00:34:13,009 --> 00:34:17,015
Please keep in mind that I was
extremely high for most of it.
819
00:34:17,017 --> 00:34:21,014
[ Mid-tempo hip-hop musicplaying ]
820
00:34:21,016 --> 00:34:28,007
♪♪
821
00:34:28,009 --> 00:34:34,020
♪♪
822
00:34:34,022 --> 00:34:36,014
What are you guys building?
823
00:34:36,016 --> 00:34:39,023
-We're trying to break the
record for world's tallest bong.
824
00:34:40,001 --> 00:34:43,004
It's tall enough,
but it keeps falling over.
825
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:49,014
-I think I can help you.
826
00:35:00,023 --> 00:35:03,004
-I've always liked you,
Danielle.
827
00:35:03,006 --> 00:35:06,020
You have such an unironic
way of being.
828
00:35:06,022 --> 00:35:09,000
It's really refreshing.
829
00:35:09,002 --> 00:35:11,005
-Okay.
830
00:35:13,004 --> 00:35:16,016
-I've been wanting to do
something for a while now.
831
00:35:16,018 --> 00:35:19,018
-Yes.
832
00:35:19,020 --> 00:35:20,021
[ Gurgling ]
833
00:35:20,023 --> 00:35:22,001
The ice cream.
834
00:35:22,003 --> 00:35:23,007
-Okay, so, remember when I said
835
00:35:23,009 --> 00:35:26,009
that Danielle was
lactose intolerant?
836
00:35:26,011 --> 00:35:28,017
This means that she doesn't
have the lactase enzymes
837
00:35:28,019 --> 00:35:31,003
which are needed
to digest lactose.
838
00:35:31,005 --> 00:35:34,010
Ice cream has a lot of lactose.
839
00:35:34,012 --> 00:35:35,020
Without the lactase enzymes,
840
00:35:35,022 --> 00:35:40,000
that lactose is turned
into CO2, H2, and CH4
841
00:35:40,002 --> 00:35:41,003
in Danielle's body.
842
00:35:41,005 --> 00:35:42,023
That was
the scientific explanation
843
00:35:43,001 --> 00:35:44,012
for what happened
to Danielle next.
844
00:35:44,014 --> 00:35:45,016
[ Gurgling ]
845
00:35:45,018 --> 00:35:47,023
-Sorry, but I can't help
846
00:35:48,001 --> 00:35:50,017
but bring everything back
to science.
847
00:35:50,019 --> 00:35:54,004
Future chem major.
848
00:35:54,006 --> 00:35:55,017
-What was that?
849
00:35:55,019 --> 00:35:56,021
[ Gurgling ]
850
00:35:56,023 --> 00:35:58,015
-Hey, does your car
have Bluetooth?
851
00:35:58,017 --> 00:36:00,003
Do -- Do you want
to hear some music?
852
00:36:00,005 --> 00:36:01,023
-Oh, yeah.
853
00:36:02,001 --> 00:36:04,006
-Everybody get this?
This is amazing.
854
00:36:04,008 --> 00:36:06,009
-Ladies and gentlemen...
855
00:36:06,011 --> 00:36:11,012
it is my great honor and
privilege to present to you...
856
00:36:11,014 --> 00:36:13,017
the Leaning Bong of Woodbright!
857
00:36:13,019 --> 00:36:17,018
[ Cheers and applause ]
858
00:36:21,001 --> 00:36:24,022
♪♪
859
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:28,013
-The fuck's going on out here?
860
00:36:28,015 --> 00:36:30,020
Oh, my God.
861
00:36:30,022 --> 00:36:33,014
[ Cheering continues ]
862
00:36:35,009 --> 00:36:40,011
-A fucking mega-bong? Geez.
863
00:36:40,013 --> 00:36:42,005
I'm heading out on a run.
864
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:47,019
[ Opera music playing ]
865
00:36:47,021 --> 00:36:51,007
-What opera is this?
-"La Boheme."
866
00:36:51,009 --> 00:36:54,021
-I love Bizet. [ Chuckles ]
867
00:36:54,023 --> 00:36:56,007
[ Thinking ]
Did Bizet write this?
868
00:36:56,009 --> 00:36:58,010
-[ Thinking ]
Bizet wrote "Carmen."
869
00:36:58,012 --> 00:37:01,011
Puccini wrote this.
870
00:37:01,013 --> 00:37:02,015
[ Gurgling ]
871
00:37:02,017 --> 00:37:04,021
Oh, fuck no!Please not now.
872
00:37:04,023 --> 00:37:07,004
I really love this part.
873
00:37:07,006 --> 00:37:08,022
-[ Chuckles ]
874
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:10,015
It's beautiful.
875
00:37:10,017 --> 00:37:13,003
[ Opera music continues ]
876
00:37:13,005 --> 00:37:19,020
♪♪
877
00:37:19,022 --> 00:37:26,013
♪♪
878
00:37:26,015 --> 00:37:29,002
[ Bubbling ]
879
00:37:29,004 --> 00:37:38,004
♪♪
880
00:37:38,006 --> 00:37:47,008
♪♪
881
00:37:47,010 --> 00:37:56,008
♪♪
882
00:37:56,010 --> 00:37:58,015
-I'm too high to come down.
883
00:37:58,017 --> 00:38:00,001
[ Cheers and applause ]
884
00:38:00,003 --> 00:38:06,009
[ Young woman speaking
indistinctly ]
885
00:38:06,011 --> 00:38:09,006
-This is legendary.
This is historic.
886
00:38:09,008 --> 00:38:15,002
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
887
00:38:15,004 --> 00:38:18,018
-[ Auto-tuned ] ♪ I'm dancing
with the stars, Sam ♪
888
00:38:18,020 --> 00:38:25,005
♪♪
889
00:38:25,007 --> 00:38:31,009
♪♪
890
00:38:31,011 --> 00:38:36,010
-And the seats -- they go all
the way back flat, like a bed.
891
00:38:36,012 --> 00:38:38,002
-Really?
892
00:38:38,004 --> 00:38:40,018
-You just have to pull
that lever on the side.
893
00:38:42,017 --> 00:38:46,003
-Oh. Which one?
894
00:38:46,005 --> 00:38:47,017
-[ Chuckles ]
895
00:38:47,019 --> 00:38:50,008
[ Opera music continues ]
896
00:38:50,010 --> 00:38:57,016
♪♪
897
00:38:57,018 --> 00:39:04,022
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
898
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:06,018
-Sam? Sam?
899
00:39:06,020 --> 00:39:08,012
Hey, Sam? Sam?
Hey, are you okay?
900
00:39:08,014 --> 00:39:11,017
-Mr. D.
What are you doing here?
901
00:39:11,019 --> 00:39:13,009
-Well, I was trying
to call your phone,
902
00:39:13,011 --> 00:39:15,010
but you weren't picking up.
I thought you might be here.
903
00:39:15,012 --> 00:39:17,007
-I'm really sorry
about that text.
904
00:39:17,009 --> 00:39:19,004
The whole thing
was just a big accident.
905
00:39:19,006 --> 00:39:21,014
-Yeah. That was not cool.
906
00:39:21,016 --> 00:39:23,019
But I wanted to let you know
I deleted it,
907
00:39:23,021 --> 00:39:25,018
so we can just pretend
it didn't happen.
908
00:39:25,020 --> 00:39:28,015
-Oh, thank God.
909
00:39:28,017 --> 00:39:30,018
Mr. D, I gotta
tell you something.
910
00:39:33,007 --> 00:39:34,019
I love you.
911
00:39:34,021 --> 00:39:38,021
Like, I am --
I'm crazy in love with you.
912
00:39:38,023 --> 00:39:41,016
-I know.
-You do?
913
00:39:41,018 --> 00:39:43,020
-I see the way that
you look at me in class.
914
00:39:43,022 --> 00:39:45,003
-I am so embarrassed.
915
00:39:45,005 --> 00:39:47,021
-Don't be.
It's -- It's fine.
916
00:39:47,023 --> 00:39:50,006
And to be honest, I'm flattered.
-Really?
917
00:39:50,008 --> 00:39:52,023
-Sam, you're beautiful
and you're brilliant.
918
00:39:53,001 --> 00:39:55,015
And, I mean,
if I wasn't your teacher,
919
00:39:55,017 --> 00:39:58,010
I...would be totally into you.
920
00:39:58,012 --> 00:40:01,000
-You would?
-Yeah.
921
00:40:01,002 --> 00:40:02,011
-In fact...
922
00:40:02,013 --> 00:40:05,022
now that you're not
my student anymore...
923
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,019
I can do this.
924
00:40:08,021 --> 00:40:10,001
-♪ Money on my mind ♪
925
00:40:10,003 --> 00:40:11,020
♪ Every day we grind it ♪
926
00:40:11,022 --> 00:40:14,012
♪ Light that paper stack,ain't no declinin' ♪
927
00:40:14,014 --> 00:40:16,007
-That was a fuck-ton
of weed, dude.
928
00:40:16,009 --> 00:40:19,000
-♪ If you need that work,then you can find it ♪
929
00:40:19,002 --> 00:40:25,007
-[ Thinking ] Okay, Danielle,whatever you do, don't fart.
930
00:40:25,009 --> 00:40:28,010
-I have a condom.
931
00:40:28,012 --> 00:40:31,022
[ Wrapper crinkling ]
932
00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:37,015
[ Thinking ]
I'm putting the condom on.
933
00:40:37,017 --> 00:40:39,015
Condom is on.
934
00:40:39,017 --> 00:40:41,008
-It's happening.It's really happening.
935
00:40:41,010 --> 00:40:46,004
Just, whatever you do,don't fart.
936
00:40:46,006 --> 00:40:48,022
[ Seat creaks ]
937
00:40:56,021 --> 00:40:58,011
-Are you ready?
938
00:40:58,013 --> 00:41:00,005
-Yes.
939
00:41:03,008 --> 00:41:04,009
Don't fart, don't fart!
940
00:41:04,011 --> 00:41:06,005
-Don't cum, don't cum.
941
00:41:06,007 --> 00:41:08,006
-Don't fart.-Don't cum.
942
00:41:08,008 --> 00:41:09,021
-Don't fart!-Don't cum!
943
00:41:09,023 --> 00:41:12,015
-Don't fart, don't fart.-Don't cum, don't cum.
944
00:41:12,017 --> 00:41:15,009
-[ Farts ]
-Oh!
945
00:41:15,011 --> 00:41:17,010
[ Gasping ]
946
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,018
[ Opera music continues ]
947
00:41:35,007 --> 00:41:36,023
Um...
948
00:41:37,001 --> 00:41:40,000
That was, uh...
949
00:41:40,002 --> 00:41:43,022
That was really weird.
950
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,012
Yeah, maybe, um...
951
00:41:45,014 --> 00:41:50,014
maybe we should just pretend
like this didn't happen.
952
00:41:50,016 --> 00:41:53,007
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
953
00:41:53,009 --> 00:41:54,021
[ Clears throat ]
954
00:41:56,019 --> 00:41:57,022
I'm gonna go.
955
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,017
[ Door handle rattles ]
956
00:42:11,021 --> 00:42:15,009
-Oh, my God.
957
00:42:15,011 --> 00:42:17,015
Oh, my God.
958
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:23,017
[ Breathing heavily ]
959
00:42:27,015 --> 00:42:32,007
[ Cellphone ringing ]
960
00:42:32,009 --> 00:42:33,020
-You've reachedSam's voicemail...
961
00:42:33,022 --> 00:42:35,008
-[ Sighs ]
962
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:42,017
[ Indistinct conversations ]
963
00:42:42,019 --> 00:42:44,015
-Okay, whose house is this?
964
00:42:44,017 --> 00:42:47,013
Hello?!
Who lives here?
965
00:42:47,015 --> 00:42:50,015
Okay, do I sound like a fucking
"Peanuts" teacher to you?
966
00:42:50,017 --> 00:42:54,003
Whose house is this?
Can you hear me?
967
00:42:54,005 --> 00:42:55,011
-It's mine.
968
00:42:55,013 --> 00:42:58,019
-Okay, I need you to
show me where this is.
969
00:42:58,021 --> 00:43:00,014
-Oh, come on.
You're not actually a cop.
970
00:43:00,016 --> 00:43:02,019
-I'm a cop. I have a badge.
971
00:43:02,021 --> 00:43:06,000
-Oh, my God! Are you a stripper?
That would be so awesome!
972
00:43:06,002 --> 00:43:07,013
-I don't think you want
to see me strip.
973
00:43:07,015 --> 00:43:09,012
-Actually, you're right.
-Yeah, okay.
974
00:43:09,014 --> 00:43:11,016
-Oh. Oh, you're --
oh, you're -- you're act--
you're actually a cop.
975
00:43:11,018 --> 00:43:13,016
-Yes, I'm actually a cop.
-Oh, okay.
976
00:43:13,018 --> 00:43:15,015
The bong's out back.
977
00:43:15,017 --> 00:43:17,014
-Got it. Okay.
978
00:43:19,010 --> 00:43:22,012
-Guys, there's a cop here.
There's a cop!
979
00:43:22,014 --> 00:43:23,020
-Cops! Go, go, go.
980
00:43:23,022 --> 00:43:26,001
Hey, Tatiana, we gotta go.
981
00:43:26,003 --> 00:43:27,014
-Mr. D?
982
00:43:27,016 --> 00:43:30,000
-No. There's -- There's a cop
here. We gotta go now.
983
00:43:30,002 --> 00:43:31,013
-What about my baby?
I...
984
00:43:31,015 --> 00:43:35,008
-No, leave it, come on!
We gotta go.
985
00:43:35,010 --> 00:43:37,004
-Hey.
986
00:43:37,006 --> 00:43:39,017
You're my friend
from the ice cream shop.
987
00:43:39,019 --> 00:43:44,007
Okay. Why don't you put
that illegal thing down.
988
00:43:44,009 --> 00:43:47,019
And that way, I don't have
to arrest you, okay?
989
00:43:47,021 --> 00:43:49,014
We can both just walk away.
990
00:43:49,016 --> 00:43:51,019
Does that sound good?
991
00:43:54,007 --> 00:43:56,007
Shit! Ow!
992
00:43:56,009 --> 00:43:59,005
Do not make me chase you!
I'm pregnant!
993
00:43:59,007 --> 00:44:02,003
-This is gonna be in the
Guinness Book of World Records!
994
00:44:04,004 --> 00:44:05,015
-[ Sighs ]
995
00:44:09,003 --> 00:44:10,022
You're fast.
996
00:44:13,017 --> 00:44:14,021
-Oh, no.
997
00:44:14,023 --> 00:44:20,001
[ Crowd groaning, gloating ]
998
00:44:20,003 --> 00:44:23,008
♪♪
999
00:44:23,010 --> 00:44:27,001
[ Laughter ]
1000
00:44:27,003 --> 00:44:29,005
-Where's your math now?
-Idiot.
1001
00:44:29,007 --> 00:44:31,012
Oh, dude.
1002
00:44:31,014 --> 00:44:33,016
-Hey! Damn!
1003
00:44:33,018 --> 00:44:36,014
Hey, you do the crime,
you do the crime.
1004
00:44:36,016 --> 00:44:38,019
-Do the crime.
Fuck yeah, bro.
1005
00:44:38,021 --> 00:44:42,002
-[ Sobbing ]
1006
00:44:42,004 --> 00:44:44,021
[ Opera music continues ]
1007
00:44:46,018 --> 00:44:48,016
Why?
1008
00:44:48,018 --> 00:44:51,012
[ Farts ]
1009
00:44:51,014 --> 00:44:54,012
[ Window whirs ]
1010
00:44:54,014 --> 00:44:56,000
[ Sniffles ]
1011
00:44:59,004 --> 00:45:01,014
-Reported stolen vehicle --
yellow Hummer
1012
00:45:01,016 --> 00:45:02,020
with the word "Capitalism"
1013
00:45:02,022 --> 00:45:04,017
spray-painted
on the passenger side.
1014
00:45:04,019 --> 00:45:07,015
-Why would anyone
steal that car?
1015
00:45:07,017 --> 00:45:10,023
[ Siren chirps ]
1016
00:45:11,001 --> 00:45:14,009
-[ Sobbing ]
1017
00:45:14,011 --> 00:45:18,007
[ Siren wailing ]
1018
00:45:18,009 --> 00:45:20,013
Oh, fuck!
1019
00:45:20,015 --> 00:45:21,018
Fuck!
1020
00:45:21,020 --> 00:45:22,023
Fuck!
1021
00:45:23,001 --> 00:45:27,002
[ Engine revving ]
1022
00:45:27,004 --> 00:45:29,021
[ Wailing continues ]
1023
00:45:39,023 --> 00:45:41,013
-What is wrong
with this person?
1024
00:45:41,015 --> 00:45:43,001
Pull over.
1025
00:45:43,003 --> 00:45:45,015
[ Dramatic music playing ]
1026
00:45:45,017 --> 00:45:50,001
♪♪
1027
00:45:50,003 --> 00:45:51,013
[ Clatter ]
1028
00:45:51,015 --> 00:45:54,015
[ Siren chirps ]
1029
00:45:55,023 --> 00:45:57,021
-Sam?
1030
00:45:57,023 --> 00:45:59,021
Why are you wearing a helmet?
1031
00:46:01,023 --> 00:46:04,010
[ Cell door clanks ]
1032
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,006
-[ Urinating ]
1033
00:46:16,004 --> 00:46:19,000
-Morgan?
1034
00:46:19,002 --> 00:46:21,017
-Guys, hey!
[ Laughs ]
1035
00:46:21,019 --> 00:46:22,022
-What are you doing here?
1036
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:24,015
-They don't
tell you this online,
1037
00:46:24,017 --> 00:46:29,002
but the vodka tampon has, like,
a real suppository effect.
1038
00:46:29,004 --> 00:46:31,012
So this guy caught me
shitting on his front lawn.
1039
00:46:31,014 --> 00:46:35,001
I was like, "What do
you think fertilizer is?"
1040
00:46:35,003 --> 00:46:37,012
Anyway, now I'm here.
1041
00:46:37,014 --> 00:46:41,010
-Can I have a word
with you guys for a sec?
1042
00:46:41,012 --> 00:46:43,003
Not you.
1043
00:46:45,013 --> 00:46:46,017
You know, I was expecting
1044
00:46:46,019 --> 00:46:48,009
to have a quiet night
in the office.
1045
00:46:48,011 --> 00:46:51,007
I was gonna do some light DMing,
maybe watch "Game of Thrones,"
1046
00:46:51,009 --> 00:46:52,022
have a little ice cream.
1047
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,015
I wasn't planning to run
around town fully pregnant
1048
00:46:55,017 --> 00:46:57,022
trying to arrest
the co-valedictorians.
1049
00:46:58,000 --> 00:46:59,007
Can you just tell me
what happened,
1050
00:46:59,009 --> 00:47:00,021
and start from
the beginning, please?
1051
00:47:00,023 --> 00:47:02,005
-My experience in mock trial
1052
00:47:02,007 --> 00:47:04,000
has taught me not to talk
to a police officer
1053
00:47:04,002 --> 00:47:06,005
until first engaging
with an attorney.
1054
00:47:06,007 --> 00:47:09,020
-Okay, your friend sucks.
-She's not my friend anymore.
1055
00:47:11,005 --> 00:47:13,001
-Being pregnant is really crazy.
1056
00:47:13,003 --> 00:47:15,006
'Cause everything I see here
1057
00:47:15,008 --> 00:47:17,014
makes me think
of what's going on in here.
1058
00:47:17,016 --> 00:47:19,010
If you guys are
the best-case scenario,
1059
00:47:19,012 --> 00:47:21,011
then we're really all screwed.
1060
00:47:21,013 --> 00:47:25,003
I need more pickles.
I'm so depressed.
1061
00:47:32,014 --> 00:47:34,009
-I don't know why
I always listen to you.
1062
00:47:34,011 --> 00:47:35,023
-Because I'm smarter.
1063
00:47:38,005 --> 00:47:40,010
-You are not smarter than me,
Danielle.
1064
00:47:40,012 --> 00:47:41,020
-If I'm not smarter than you,
1065
00:47:41,022 --> 00:47:43,019
then how come I'm the one
that got into Harvard?
1066
00:47:46,008 --> 00:47:47,021
-I got into Harvard.
1067
00:47:47,023 --> 00:47:49,011
-What?
1068
00:47:49,013 --> 00:47:51,010
-I got in, but I didn't
want to tell you
1069
00:47:51,012 --> 00:47:53,010
because you got wait-listed,
1070
00:47:53,012 --> 00:47:56,015
and I didn't want
you to feel bad.
1071
00:47:56,017 --> 00:48:00,003
-Well, if you got into Harvard,
then why are you going to state?
1072
00:48:00,005 --> 00:48:02,012
-Do you even know
how much Harvard costs?
1073
00:48:02,014 --> 00:48:03,017
-No.
1074
00:48:03,019 --> 00:48:05,014
-[ Scoffs ] Right.
Of course you don't.
1075
00:48:05,016 --> 00:48:07,000
You don't even need
to think about that.
1076
00:48:07,002 --> 00:48:08,010
Your moms have probably
been putting money
1077
00:48:08,012 --> 00:48:09,023
into a college fund
since you were 10.
1078
00:48:10,001 --> 00:48:11,023
-Actually, they started
before I was conceived.
1079
00:48:12,001 --> 00:48:15,011
-Well, not everyone is
as lucky as you, Danielle.
1080
00:48:15,013 --> 00:48:19,003
Everything is just
so fucking easy for you.
1081
00:48:19,005 --> 00:48:20,012
-Are you kidding me?
1082
00:48:20,014 --> 00:48:22,008
Do you know what kind
of pressure I'm under?
1083
00:48:22,010 --> 00:48:23,013
My parents have invested
1084
00:48:23,015 --> 00:48:25,001
everything that they have
into me.
1085
00:48:25,003 --> 00:48:28,001
-Danielle,
your parents are here.
1086
00:48:28,003 --> 00:48:29,013
-[ Sighs ]
1087
00:48:35,003 --> 00:48:36,023
-Danielle was charged
with motor vehicle theft,
1088
00:48:37,001 --> 00:48:38,010
and I was charged
with possession
1089
00:48:38,012 --> 00:48:41,012
of a controlled substance
and resisting arrest.
1090
00:48:41,014 --> 00:48:45,006
Both charges meant that
we wouldn't get to graduate.
1091
00:48:45,008 --> 00:48:48,012
My dad took another hour
and 10 minutes to get there.
1092
00:48:48,014 --> 00:48:52,004
But I now know that
he smokes pot, so...
1093
00:48:54,006 --> 00:48:57,011
-Ugh. Oh.
I am pickled out.
1094
00:48:57,013 --> 00:48:58,019
-Yeah, you just ate seven.
1095
00:48:58,021 --> 00:49:02,004
-It wasn't seven.
-I counted.
1096
00:49:02,006 --> 00:49:04,023
-Okay, that's gross.
1097
00:49:05,001 --> 00:49:07,023
You know, you're obviously
a good kid.
1098
00:49:08,001 --> 00:49:10,010
What --What happened tonight?
1099
00:49:13,006 --> 00:49:16,007
-Danielle and I got called
"good girls" in the yearbook.
1100
00:49:16,009 --> 00:49:17,009
-Oh.
1101
00:49:17,011 --> 00:49:20,019
-I think we just
sort of freaked out.
1102
00:49:20,021 --> 00:49:23,021
-You know what I got called
in my high-school yearbook?
1103
00:49:23,023 --> 00:49:25,002
Most Muppet-like.
1104
00:49:25,004 --> 00:49:27,016
I mean, do I look
like a Muppet to you?
1105
00:49:27,018 --> 00:49:30,007
Do I?
-Definitely not.
1106
00:49:30,009 --> 00:49:32,006
-No, I still can't wear fleece.
1107
00:49:32,008 --> 00:49:35,009
It really fucked me up
for a long time.
1108
00:49:35,011 --> 00:49:39,005
And then I realized,
those yearbook people,
1109
00:49:39,007 --> 00:49:40,012
they were all the ones
who were too dumb
1110
00:49:40,014 --> 00:49:41,021
to write for the newspaper.
1111
00:49:41,023 --> 00:49:44,001
It shouldn't affect
your whole life, okay?
1112
00:49:45,021 --> 00:49:50,001
You're like a young, dumb me.
1113
00:49:50,003 --> 00:49:53,002
With worse hair.
1114
00:49:53,004 --> 00:49:56,016
-She -- Do you understa--
She is under investigation.
1115
00:49:56,018 --> 00:49:58,014
-I know.
-That means no graduation.
1116
00:49:58,016 --> 00:49:59,023
That means no Harvard!
1117
00:50:00,001 --> 00:50:02,004
Do you -- Well, how --
Where did we go wrong?
1118
00:50:02,006 --> 00:50:03,005
Where did we...
[ Sobs ]
1119
00:50:03,007 --> 00:50:05,021
-It's gonna be okay, baby, okay?
1120
00:50:05,023 --> 00:50:08,016
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation, sweetheart.
1121
00:50:08,018 --> 00:50:10,010
-I gotta go lay down.
1122
00:50:10,012 --> 00:50:19,010
♪♪
1123
00:50:19,012 --> 00:50:22,022
-Man. What a terrible day.
1124
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:23,022
[ Sighs ]
1125
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:27,001
-I have to tell you something.
1126
00:50:27,003 --> 00:50:30,007
Dad, I was the one
who left the freezers open.
1127
00:50:30,009 --> 00:50:32,005
Danielle and I smoked your pot.
1128
00:50:32,007 --> 00:50:35,000
And we went to the shop,
and we made a big mess.
1129
00:50:37,021 --> 00:50:40,007
I also may have purchased
a small dog.
1130
00:50:43,001 --> 00:50:44,013
-I don't know what to say, Sam.
1131
00:50:44,015 --> 00:50:48,009
I'm -- I'm
so disappointed in you.
1132
00:50:50,016 --> 00:50:52,013
-You're disappointed in me?
1133
00:50:52,015 --> 00:50:55,002
-Yeah.
1134
00:50:55,004 --> 00:50:57,019
-Dad, I do everything right.
1135
00:50:57,021 --> 00:51:03,009
I -- I get straight A's,
I clean up after you, I work.
1136
00:51:03,011 --> 00:51:05,002
I got a scholarship to college,
1137
00:51:05,004 --> 00:51:06,011
but it's like
you don't even notice.
1138
00:51:06,013 --> 00:51:08,008
I-I mean, I feel like
I'm your employee.
1139
00:51:08,010 --> 00:51:10,020
-Okay, hold on.
Let's not go crazy here.
1140
00:51:10,022 --> 00:51:12,010
Of course I notice you.
1141
00:51:12,012 --> 00:51:15,001
-I've been trying to talk to you
about college options for weeks,
1142
00:51:15,003 --> 00:51:16,011
and you keep blowing me off.
1143
00:51:16,013 --> 00:51:21,004
-All right, well,
let's talk about it now.
1144
00:51:21,006 --> 00:51:23,004
-Well, it's too late now.
1145
00:51:26,002 --> 00:51:27,009
Why is it that
you only notice me
1146
00:51:27,011 --> 00:51:31,019
now that I did something wrong?
1147
00:51:31,021 --> 00:51:32,022
I mean, why didn't you notice me
1148
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:37,001
when I was doing
everything right?
1149
00:51:37,003 --> 00:51:41,010
-Sam...
-I need to take a walk.
1150
00:51:41,012 --> 00:51:44,012
[ Car door closes ]
1151
00:51:44,014 --> 00:51:46,015
[ Knock on door ]
1152
00:51:47,022 --> 00:51:51,008
-[ Sighs ]
1153
00:51:51,010 --> 00:51:52,013
Hi.
1154
00:51:52,015 --> 00:51:54,019
-[ Scoffs ]
1155
00:51:54,021 --> 00:51:58,000
-Your mom's pretty upset.
1156
00:51:58,002 --> 00:52:00,012
She just needs time
to process things.
1157
00:52:03,016 --> 00:52:05,004
You, um...
1158
00:52:05,006 --> 00:52:11,021
You feel like telling me what
happened a little bit, hmm?
1159
00:52:11,023 --> 00:52:13,016
Why did you steal
that boy's car?
1160
00:52:13,018 --> 00:52:15,022
Is it 'cause
it was a gas-guzzler?
1161
00:52:18,018 --> 00:52:21,009
-Can I ask you something?
1162
00:52:21,011 --> 00:52:23,003
-Yeah.
-You can't tell anyone.
1163
00:52:23,005 --> 00:52:25,011
-No. Okay, I won't.
1164
00:52:29,002 --> 00:52:31,017
-Have you ever farted
during sex?
1165
00:52:36,009 --> 00:52:40,011
-You mean like a queef?
1166
00:52:40,013 --> 00:52:43,013
Oh. It's pretty common, honey.
1167
00:52:43,015 --> 00:52:46,016
You see, Danielle,
the -- the vagina...
1168
00:52:46,018 --> 00:52:47,020
-[ Sobs ]
1169
00:52:47,022 --> 00:52:50,000
-...the canal can get air
trapped in it,
1170
00:52:50,002 --> 00:52:51,006
and then -- pbht.
1171
00:52:51,008 --> 00:52:53,014
You just -- You can't...
1172
00:52:53,016 --> 00:52:54,019
It's -- Oh.
1173
00:52:54,021 --> 00:52:58,021
Oh, honey. It's okay.
It's just air.
1174
00:52:58,023 --> 00:53:06,020
♪♪
1175
00:53:06,022 --> 00:53:10,005
[ Doorbell rings ]
1176
00:53:10,007 --> 00:53:12,023
-Can I help you?
1177
00:53:13,001 --> 00:53:15,000
-Are you Mr. D's wife?
1178
00:53:15,002 --> 00:53:18,002
-Yeah.
1179
00:53:18,004 --> 00:53:20,022
-I am the girl
who sexted your husband.
1180
00:53:25,012 --> 00:53:26,018
I've always wondered about
1181
00:53:26,020 --> 00:53:29,018
what Mr. D would look like
in his pajamas.
1182
00:53:29,020 --> 00:53:31,020
But I...was hoping
1183
00:53:31,022 --> 00:53:35,001
that the circumstances
would be different.
1184
00:53:35,003 --> 00:53:38,000
I came to apologize
for sending you that text.
1185
00:53:38,002 --> 00:53:41,001
I can assure you
that it was an accident.
1186
00:53:41,003 --> 00:53:43,003
I realize that doesn't mitigate
the emotional turmoil
1187
00:53:43,005 --> 00:53:44,015
that this may have
caused you or your wife,
1188
00:53:44,017 --> 00:53:46,019
but I want you to know
that -- that I am prepared
1189
00:53:46,021 --> 00:53:48,022
to suffer the consequences.
1190
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:50,007
We can go back
to the police station,
1191
00:53:50,009 --> 00:53:51,019
and I can explain everything.
1192
00:53:51,021 --> 00:53:53,010
And I'll tell them
that it was all my fault
1193
00:53:53,012 --> 00:53:57,004
and that you had absolutely
nothing to do with it.
1194
00:53:57,006 --> 00:53:59,019
-Why would we go
to the police station?
1195
00:53:59,021 --> 00:54:02,005
-I thought you already
reported the incident.
1196
00:54:02,007 --> 00:54:03,008
-What?
1197
00:54:03,010 --> 00:54:05,011
-There were
police officers here.
1198
00:54:05,013 --> 00:54:06,016
Pizza Ken told me.
1199
00:54:06,018 --> 00:54:08,010
-Oh, Pizza Ken.
Okay.
1200
00:54:08,012 --> 00:54:10,010
Um, I host
a monthly trivia night.
1201
00:54:10,012 --> 00:54:13,008
I have friends on the force,
and they came over.
1202
00:54:13,010 --> 00:54:20,012
Sam, I assume the text that
you sent was some kind of prank.
1203
00:54:20,014 --> 00:54:22,000
-I am so embarrassed.
1204
00:54:22,002 --> 00:54:25,012
I mean, I just had
the worst night of my life.
1205
00:54:26,021 --> 00:54:28,008
-You want to talk about it?
1206
00:54:28,010 --> 00:54:30,017
-Danielle and I
smoked some pot, and...
1207
00:54:30,019 --> 00:54:34,001
and things got out of hand,
and we both got arrested.
1208
00:54:34,003 --> 00:54:36,004
I won't get to graduate,
I'm gonna...
1209
00:54:36,006 --> 00:54:40,002
I'm gonna lose my scholarship.
1210
00:54:40,004 --> 00:54:43,020
And everything I've been working
so hard for, it's just gone.
1211
00:54:45,016 --> 00:54:48,010
-That's not so bad.
1212
00:54:48,012 --> 00:54:49,018
-How?
1213
00:54:49,020 --> 00:54:53,009
-Well, I mean,
you're still alive.
1214
00:54:53,011 --> 00:54:55,017
You're the best student
I've ever had, Sam.
1215
00:54:55,019 --> 00:54:57,021
-Really?
-Yeah.
1216
00:54:57,023 --> 00:55:00,023
You're gonna go on to do
amazing things with your life.
1217
00:55:01,001 --> 00:55:02,006
I mean, one bad night
1218
00:55:02,008 --> 00:55:05,017
isn't going to erase
all of your promise.
1219
00:55:05,019 --> 00:55:07,015
Life is cumulative.
1220
00:55:10,007 --> 00:55:13,007
-Thanks, Mr. D.
[ Sniffles ]
1221
00:55:13,009 --> 00:55:15,009
-There is one thing
you could do.
1222
00:55:15,011 --> 00:55:17,001
-Anything. Name it.
1223
00:55:17,003 --> 00:55:20,014
-Okay, please just hand in
those teacher evaluations.
1224
00:55:20,016 --> 00:55:23,021
-I will.
-Thank you.
1225
00:55:23,023 --> 00:55:25,021
-For the record,
those weren't even my boobs.
1226
00:55:25,023 --> 00:55:27,022
-You know, we don't have
to talk about that.
1227
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:31,001
[ Birds chirping ]
1228
00:55:34,011 --> 00:55:36,012
-Fuck.
1229
00:55:39,017 --> 00:55:40,020
[ Sighs ]
1230
00:55:40,022 --> 00:55:43,013
[ Door bells jingle ]
1231
00:55:43,015 --> 00:55:48,013
♪♪
1232
00:55:48,015 --> 00:55:52,000
I forgot thathappened.
1233
00:55:53,018 --> 00:55:55,015
Can we please talk?
1234
00:56:01,012 --> 00:56:02,018
[ Sighs ]
1235
00:56:02,020 --> 00:56:06,023
Things with Jeremy got
really intense last night.
1236
00:56:07,001 --> 00:56:08,022
I think we kind of had sex.
1237
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:12,006
I mean, we definitely did,
but it was weird,
1238
00:56:12,008 --> 00:56:14,019
and I could -- I could
really use a friend right now.
1239
00:56:14,021 --> 00:56:18,014
-I really needed a friend
last night.
1240
00:56:18,016 --> 00:56:22,002
-Sam...
1241
00:56:22,004 --> 00:56:23,015
-All of the ice cream melted
1242
00:56:23,017 --> 00:56:25,022
'cause we left
the freezers open.
1243
00:56:26,000 --> 00:56:27,014
And now my dad's
shutting down the shop.
1244
00:56:27,016 --> 00:56:28,023
-What?!
1245
00:56:29,001 --> 00:56:31,001
No, you guys can't let
those unicorn fuckers win.
1246
00:56:31,003 --> 00:56:32,019
Your ice cream
is way better.
1247
00:56:32,021 --> 00:56:34,023
-I don't ever want
to talk to you again.
1248
00:56:35,001 --> 00:56:37,011
-Sam!
1249
00:56:37,013 --> 00:56:39,013
-For the record,
1250
00:56:39,015 --> 00:56:44,015
I was really happy
with who we were before.
1251
00:56:44,017 --> 00:56:47,015
I shouldn't care so much about
what other people think.
1252
00:56:47,017 --> 00:56:56,001
♪♪
1253
00:56:58,001 --> 00:56:58,023
[ Door closes ]
1254
00:56:59,001 --> 00:57:00,019
-[ Laughs ]
Congratulations!
1255
00:57:00,021 --> 00:57:01,023
[ Pop ]
1256
00:57:02,001 --> 00:57:03,008
-On what?
1257
00:57:03,010 --> 00:57:05,000
What's...going on?
1258
00:57:05,002 --> 00:57:08,014
-You got into Harvard.
1259
00:57:08,016 --> 00:57:10,002
-Dad, I know.
1260
00:57:10,004 --> 00:57:12,004
They E-mailed me
a couple months ago.
1261
00:57:12,006 --> 00:57:13,016
-Well, why didn't you tell me?
1262
00:57:13,018 --> 00:57:15,022
-I tried.
1263
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:18,002
It's just too expensive.
1264
00:57:18,004 --> 00:57:19,014
I know we're struggling
right now.
1265
00:57:19,016 --> 00:57:21,001
And I don't want
to add to that --
1266
00:57:21,003 --> 00:57:23,004
-How do you know
we're struggling?
1267
00:57:23,006 --> 00:57:25,000
-I work at the shop.
1268
00:57:25,002 --> 00:57:28,020
And also we had mac-and-cheese
13 times last month.
1269
00:57:28,022 --> 00:57:30,013
-I thought you like
mac-and-cheese.
1270
00:57:30,015 --> 00:57:32,023
-I did.
1271
00:57:33,001 --> 00:57:34,013
-Okay, honey...
1272
00:57:34,015 --> 00:57:37,007
Listen, we're selling
the ice cream shop.
1273
00:57:37,009 --> 00:57:39,013
With that money,
we'll have more than enough
1274
00:57:39,015 --> 00:57:41,004
to send you to Harvard.
1275
00:57:41,006 --> 00:57:45,012
-Dad, I -- I, um...
1276
00:57:45,014 --> 00:57:47,007
I declined admission.
1277
00:57:47,009 --> 00:57:48,012
-Sam, you've gotta call them
1278
00:57:48,014 --> 00:57:51,020
and tell them you made
a mistake, okay?
1279
00:57:51,022 --> 00:57:53,017
-It's -- It's too late, Dad.
1280
00:57:55,007 --> 00:57:58,006
-[ Sighs ]
1281
00:57:58,008 --> 00:58:01,013
Look, sweetie,
when your mom died,
1282
00:58:01,015 --> 00:58:04,008
she made me promise one thing --
1283
00:58:04,010 --> 00:58:06,017
that I wouldn't mess you up.
1284
00:58:06,019 --> 00:58:09,005
Have I messed you up?
1285
00:58:09,007 --> 00:58:11,008
-I don't think so.
1286
00:58:11,010 --> 00:58:14,006
-It's not easy having a kid
that's smarter than you are.
1287
00:58:14,008 --> 00:58:17,005
I have to face
that humiliation every day.
1288
00:58:17,007 --> 00:58:19,013
But in exchange,
I get to tell people
1289
00:58:19,015 --> 00:58:24,000
that I have a smart kid --
Harvard smart.
1290
00:58:24,002 --> 00:58:27,018
My parents, they gave me
an ice cream shop.
1291
00:58:27,020 --> 00:58:32,013
But you could do great things.
You could cure cancer.
1292
00:58:32,015 --> 00:58:35,014
You could make a-a-a pea protein
1293
00:58:35,016 --> 00:58:38,006
that finally tastes
as good as meat does.
1294
00:58:38,008 --> 00:58:44,014
Sam, I want you
to be your best self.
1295
00:58:44,016 --> 00:58:47,009
Now, have you talked
about this with Danielle?
1296
00:58:47,011 --> 00:58:50,006
-No. We're not friends anymore.
1297
00:58:50,008 --> 00:58:52,003
-What are you talking about?
What happened?
1298
00:58:52,005 --> 00:58:54,010
-She said that she was
smarter than me.
1299
00:58:54,012 --> 00:58:57,005
-Was she high
when she said that?
1300
00:58:57,007 --> 00:58:58,011
All right, I get that.
1301
00:58:58,013 --> 00:58:59,019
One time, I got so high,
1302
00:58:59,021 --> 00:59:01,017
I thought I knew
how to sail a boat.
1303
00:59:01,019 --> 00:59:03,017
I was stuck on the lake
for three days.
1304
00:59:03,019 --> 00:59:05,014
I had to drink my own urine.
1305
00:59:05,016 --> 00:59:07,014
-So, I -- I guess I've learned
1306
00:59:07,016 --> 00:59:10,000
all sorts of things
this weekend.
1307
00:59:10,002 --> 00:59:12,011
I'm too high to come down!
1308
00:59:12,013 --> 00:59:13,021
[ Cheers and applause ]
1309
00:59:13,023 --> 00:59:15,007
-This bong is huge.
1310
00:59:15,009 --> 00:59:17,001
Like, this is some
world record shit right now.
1311
00:59:17,003 --> 00:59:18,011
Did you see that it got
a Wiki page?
1312
00:59:18,013 --> 00:59:21,000
-Oh, my God, I can't believe
she did that.
1313
00:59:21,002 --> 00:59:24,005
-Dude, me, neither.
It already has 500 hits.
1314
00:59:24,007 --> 00:59:25,016
Is that considered viral?
1315
00:59:25,018 --> 00:59:29,015
-I lost my best friend.
-You know that's not true.
1316
00:59:29,017 --> 00:59:31,005
-She says that she thinks
I care too much
1317
00:59:31,007 --> 00:59:32,010
about what people think,
1318
00:59:32,012 --> 00:59:34,017
and I'm worried
that she's right.
1319
00:59:34,019 --> 00:59:38,018
-Well, your answer's
right there -- don't care.
1320
00:59:38,020 --> 00:59:40,019
You're dead-ass one of
the baddest bitches that I know.
1321
00:59:40,021 --> 00:59:42,016
Fuck good girls,
fuck what other people think.
1322
00:59:42,018 --> 00:59:46,003
Just be yourself.
1323
00:59:46,005 --> 00:59:48,009
-Thanks, Pizza Ken.
-You're welcome.
1324
00:59:48,011 --> 00:59:49,021
I'm full of wisdom...
1325
00:59:49,023 --> 00:59:52,001
and garlic knots that I stole.
1326
00:59:52,003 --> 00:59:53,001
Eat one.
1327
00:59:53,003 --> 00:59:56,021
[ Upbeat techno music playing ]
1328
00:59:56,023 --> 01:00:06,000
♪♪
1329
01:00:06,002 --> 01:00:15,000
♪♪
1330
01:00:15,002 --> 01:00:17,017
-♪ La-la ♪
1331
01:00:17,019 --> 01:00:20,004
♪ La-la, la-la ♪
1332
01:00:20,006 --> 01:00:22,015
♪ La-la ♪
1333
01:00:22,017 --> 01:00:24,001
♪ La-la-la ♪
1334
01:00:24,003 --> 01:00:27,004
♪ La-la-la, la-la-la,la-la-la ♪
1335
01:00:27,006 --> 01:00:28,015
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la ♪
1336
01:00:28,017 --> 01:00:30,010
-I don't like to make
qualitative judgments,
1337
01:00:30,012 --> 01:00:34,006
but this was the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.
1338
01:00:34,008 --> 01:00:35,016
I mean, if she wanted
to reference
1339
01:00:35,018 --> 01:00:36,018
our pizza-and-a-doc night...
1340
01:00:36,020 --> 01:00:37,023
-♪ La-la ♪
1341
01:00:38,001 --> 01:00:41,003
-...then she should have
brought me pizza.
1342
01:00:41,005 --> 01:00:42,012
Or a documentary.
1343
01:00:42,014 --> 01:00:44,017
-♪ La-la-la-la-la,la-la-la-la-la ♪
1344
01:00:44,019 --> 01:00:47,008
♪ La-la-la-la-la,la-la-la-la-la ♪
1345
01:00:47,010 --> 01:00:50,006
♪ La-la-la-la-la,la-la-la-la-la ♪
1346
01:00:50,008 --> 01:00:52,013
♪ La-la-la-la-la,la-la-la-la-la ♪
1347
01:00:52,015 --> 01:00:54,011
[ Applause ]
1348
01:00:54,013 --> 01:00:57,003
-[ Sighs ]
1349
01:00:57,005 --> 01:01:00,005
I'm sorry I abandoned you
last night.
1350
01:01:00,007 --> 01:01:02,016
I don't care what anybody thinks
about me anymore.
1351
01:01:02,018 --> 01:01:04,011
I just want my best friend back.
1352
01:01:04,013 --> 01:01:07,000
And I'm prepared to dress
like this every single day
1353
01:01:07,002 --> 01:01:10,015
until you accept my undying
devotion to our friendship.
1354
01:01:10,017 --> 01:01:21,014
♪♪
1355
01:01:21,016 --> 01:01:23,017
-You're seriously willing
to wear that shirt everyday?
1356
01:01:23,019 --> 01:01:24,021
-Yes.
1357
01:01:24,023 --> 01:01:27,002
-Even if it starts smelling?
1358
01:01:27,004 --> 01:01:29,010
-Yes.
1359
01:01:29,012 --> 01:01:31,007
-Underwear, too?
-Yes.
1360
01:01:31,009 --> 01:01:33,008
And I'm sorry that I said
that I was smarter than you.
1361
01:01:33,010 --> 01:01:36,006
I'm definitely not.
You're way smarter than me.
1362
01:01:36,008 --> 01:01:38,012
-No, I mean, you're
more right-brained,
1363
01:01:38,014 --> 01:01:40,005
and I'm more left-brained.
1364
01:01:40,007 --> 01:01:45,012
So, together, we just
make one giant brain.
1365
01:01:48,004 --> 01:01:51,000
-I love you, Sam.
-I love you, too.
1366
01:01:51,002 --> 01:01:52,022
-Oh!
1367
01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:54,023
♪♪
1368
01:01:55,001 --> 01:01:56,011
[ Applause ]
1369
01:01:56,013 --> 01:01:59,020
-Also, I think I figured out
a way to save the shop.
1370
01:01:59,022 --> 01:02:02,005
But I'm gonna need your help.
1371
01:02:02,007 --> 01:02:05,019
-[ Humming ]
1372
01:02:05,021 --> 01:02:07,013
-Hi, Mr. D.
-Hey, Sam.
1373
01:02:07,015 --> 01:02:09,022
-I just turned in
the teacher evaluations.
1374
01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:12,000
-Thank you.
-Um...
1375
01:02:12,002 --> 01:02:13,023
Since it's the end
of the year and all,
1376
01:02:14,001 --> 01:02:17,007
I was wondering if
I could have something.
1377
01:02:17,009 --> 01:02:24,011
♪♪
1378
01:02:24,013 --> 01:02:31,015
♪♪
1379
01:02:31,017 --> 01:02:35,005
Okay. On three.
1380
01:02:35,007 --> 01:02:39,006
One...two...three.
1381
01:02:39,008 --> 01:02:43,004
[ Crunch ]
1382
01:02:43,006 --> 01:02:46,016
♪♪
1383
01:02:46,018 --> 01:02:49,009
Needs a clever name.
1384
01:02:49,011 --> 01:02:51,013
-What about dragon balls?
1385
01:02:51,015 --> 01:02:54,008
Or smokey balls.
Steamy balls.
1386
01:02:54,010 --> 01:02:56,021
-Let's just steer clear
of the word "balls."
1387
01:02:56,023 --> 01:03:00,009
-What about ghost candy?
1388
01:03:00,011 --> 01:03:02,018
-Ghost candy.
1389
01:03:02,020 --> 01:03:04,015
I like it.
1390
01:03:04,017 --> 01:03:11,008
♪♪
1391
01:03:11,010 --> 01:03:14,001
No one's coming.
1392
01:03:14,003 --> 01:03:15,013
-They don't know what we have.
1393
01:03:15,015 --> 01:03:19,001
People need to see it.
1394
01:03:19,003 --> 01:03:20,008
I have an idea.
1395
01:03:20,010 --> 01:03:26,014
♪♪
1396
01:03:26,016 --> 01:03:27,023
-What is that?
1397
01:03:28,001 --> 01:03:31,005
-Ghost candy.
They sell it in there.
1398
01:03:31,007 --> 01:03:34,012
-Cool. Let's go.
1399
01:03:34,014 --> 01:03:35,018
[ Door bells jingle ]
1400
01:03:35,020 --> 01:03:38,000
Hi. I'll have
whatever he's having.
1401
01:03:38,002 --> 01:03:40,000
-That will be $5, please.
1402
01:03:42,019 --> 01:03:44,016
-Hey, guys, I'm at
Jansen's Ice Cream Shop,
1403
01:03:44,018 --> 01:03:47,021
and I'm about to try ghost candy
for the first time.
1404
01:03:47,023 --> 01:03:49,021
[ Crunch ]
1405
01:03:49,023 --> 01:03:56,000
♪♪
1406
01:03:56,002 --> 01:04:01,022
♪♪
1407
01:04:02,000 --> 01:04:04,018
-♪ You're gonna need
all your friends ♪
1408
01:04:04,020 --> 01:04:05,020
♪ And, oh ♪
1409
01:04:05,022 --> 01:04:09,010
♪ You did it again ♪
1410
01:04:09,012 --> 01:04:10,017
♪ And, oh ♪
1411
01:04:10,019 --> 01:04:13,005
♪ You're gonna lean
on your friends ♪
1412
01:04:13,007 --> 01:04:14,015
♪ And, oh ♪
1413
01:04:14,017 --> 01:04:16,014
♪ You did it again ♪
1414
01:04:19,012 --> 01:04:21,010
-How'd you guys
come up with this?
1415
01:04:21,012 --> 01:04:26,018
♪♪
1416
01:04:26,020 --> 01:04:32,006
♪♪
1417
01:04:40,020 --> 01:04:42,020
-Hey.
1418
01:04:42,022 --> 01:04:44,019
-Hey.
1419
01:04:44,021 --> 01:04:46,020
What are you doing here?
1420
01:04:46,022 --> 01:04:48,012
-I just came here
to apologize...
1421
01:04:48,014 --> 01:04:51,022
for the way I acted
the other night.
1422
01:04:52,000 --> 01:04:55,005
I'm sorry that I was a jerk
1423
01:04:55,007 --> 01:05:00,013
and that I, um, bailed
right after we...
1424
01:05:00,015 --> 01:05:02,018
you know.
1425
01:05:02,020 --> 01:05:04,008
-I'm sorry I stole your car.
1426
01:05:04,010 --> 01:05:07,008
-Oh, yeah, about that -- Um,
I spoke to the police today.
1427
01:05:07,010 --> 01:05:09,020
I told them I gave you my keys,
and they're dropping the case.
1428
01:05:09,022 --> 01:05:11,003
Really?
1429
01:05:11,005 --> 01:05:12,008
[ Thinking ]
I'm gonna get to graduate?
1430
01:05:12,010 --> 01:05:14,002
-Yeah. [ Laughs ]
-[ Exhales ]
1431
01:05:14,004 --> 01:05:18,015
-Artforummagazine saw my photo
of the crime scene on Instagram,
1432
01:05:18,017 --> 01:05:22,003
and they're going to publish it
in their next issue.
1433
01:05:22,005 --> 01:05:25,011
-Wow. That's amazing.
1434
01:05:25,013 --> 01:05:26,022
-It's actually
a really big break for me.
1435
01:05:27,000 --> 01:05:29,008
I should be thanking you
for stealing my car.
1436
01:05:29,010 --> 01:05:31,019
-[ Laughs ] You're welcome.
1437
01:05:35,022 --> 01:05:38,000
-Are we cool?
1438
01:05:38,002 --> 01:05:39,014
-Yeah, we're cool.
1439
01:05:39,016 --> 01:05:41,020
-All right.
1440
01:05:41,022 --> 01:05:44,000
Okay.
1441
01:05:44,002 --> 01:05:47,003
Um, hey...
1442
01:05:47,005 --> 01:05:49,013
Would you...
1443
01:05:49,015 --> 01:05:52,011
maybe want to go
on a date some time?
1444
01:05:52,013 --> 01:05:59,006
[ Dreamy techno music playing ]
1445
01:05:59,008 --> 01:06:03,018
-Maybe we could just be friends.
1446
01:06:03,020 --> 01:06:05,010
-Oh, yeah, um...
1447
01:06:05,012 --> 01:06:10,002
No. [ Scoffs ]
That's cool.
1448
01:06:14,007 --> 01:06:17,014
♪♪
1449
01:06:17,016 --> 01:06:19,023
-So, this meant that
Danielle was graduating
1450
01:06:20,001 --> 01:06:24,002
and I was still
a juvenile delinquent.
1451
01:06:24,004 --> 01:06:25,010
That was great for her.
1452
01:06:25,012 --> 01:06:29,006
[ Graduation march playing ]
1453
01:06:29,008 --> 01:06:41,004
♪♪
1454
01:06:41,006 --> 01:06:43,001
-Where is she?
1455
01:06:43,003 --> 01:06:47,016
-Welcome, parents,
faculty, and graduates.
1456
01:06:47,018 --> 01:06:49,019
[ Door bells jingle ]
1457
01:06:49,021 --> 01:06:53,008
-I'm not going
if you can't graduate.
1458
01:06:53,010 --> 01:06:56,006
Is that your graduation robe?
1459
01:06:56,008 --> 01:06:58,018
-I made it a nest for Zelda.
1460
01:06:58,020 --> 01:07:01,001
I call it the nest
of broken dreams.
1461
01:07:01,003 --> 01:07:02,008
[ Door bells jingle ]
1462
01:07:02,010 --> 01:07:05,014
-I saw that ghost candy
on Instagram.
1463
01:07:05,016 --> 01:07:07,004
I have to make sure
it's not drugs.
1464
01:07:07,006 --> 01:07:09,023
-It's not.
It's liquid nitrogen.
1465
01:07:10,001 --> 01:07:11,023
It's food grade.
-It's totally edible.
1466
01:07:12,001 --> 01:07:14,004
-Okay, I'll take
your word for it.
1467
01:07:14,006 --> 01:07:16,012
Why aren't you at graduation?
1468
01:07:16,014 --> 01:07:18,010
-I think it will be
too painful to just watch.
1469
01:07:18,012 --> 01:07:20,014
-And I am not going
if Sam can't graduate.
1470
01:07:20,016 --> 01:07:23,009
-That's funny, 'cause I talked
to a guy named Mr. D
1471
01:07:23,011 --> 01:07:24,021
and the principal
of your school,
1472
01:07:24,023 --> 01:07:27,001
and they both seem to think
you're graduating today.
1473
01:07:27,003 --> 01:07:29,001
-What?
-The charges have been dropped.
1474
01:07:29,003 --> 01:07:32,000
All of the paperwork
was covered in pickle juice.
1475
01:07:34,017 --> 01:07:36,020
Yeah, hurry up.
You're gonna be late.
1476
01:07:36,022 --> 01:07:39,019
♪♪
1477
01:07:39,021 --> 01:07:42,007
-♪ You make it better ♪
1478
01:07:42,009 --> 01:07:43,019
♪ Make it all right, all right ♪
1479
01:07:43,021 --> 01:07:47,002
♪ So, you're
the best thing ever ♪
1480
01:07:47,004 --> 01:07:50,006
♪ You make the sun shine ♪
1481
01:07:50,008 --> 01:07:51,011
♪ You make it better ♪
1482
01:07:51,013 --> 01:07:53,004
-This is the best day
of my life.
1483
01:07:53,006 --> 01:07:54,011
Is that sad?
1484
01:07:54,013 --> 01:07:55,020
-You know, my students, uh,
come up to me
1485
01:07:55,022 --> 01:07:57,004
all the time, and they ask me,
1486
01:07:57,006 --> 01:08:00,001
"How often will I really
need chemistry?"
1487
01:08:00,003 --> 01:08:02,014
And I tell them,
"Periodically."
1488
01:08:02,016 --> 01:08:05,015
[ Laughter ]
1489
01:08:05,017 --> 01:08:07,014
Ah, now please welcome
1490
01:08:07,016 --> 01:08:10,020
Woodbright High's
co-valedictorians --
1491
01:08:10,022 --> 01:08:14,009
Danielle Compton
and Sam Jansen!
1492
01:08:14,011 --> 01:08:19,009
[ Applause ]
1493
01:08:19,011 --> 01:08:22,019
[ Spectators cheer ]
1494
01:08:33,002 --> 01:08:36,000
-Wait. We don't have a speech.
1495
01:08:36,002 --> 01:08:39,000
-We're gonna have to wing it.
1496
01:08:39,002 --> 01:08:41,001
-Oh, shit.
1497
01:08:41,003 --> 01:08:43,020
[ Applause continues ]
1498
01:08:45,013 --> 01:08:47,004
-[ Clears throat ]
1499
01:08:49,014 --> 01:08:53,005
Those of you that know me
know that I love Shakespeare.
1500
01:08:53,007 --> 01:08:56,009
He once wrote,
"To thine own self be true."
1501
01:08:56,011 --> 01:09:00,010
Well, this weekend,
I forgot to take his advice.
1502
01:09:00,012 --> 01:09:04,001
I was convinced that
I had to be different.
1503
01:09:04,003 --> 01:09:07,018
High school has a funny way
of putting people into boxes --
1504
01:09:07,020 --> 01:09:10,000
This person's good at math,
1505
01:09:10,002 --> 01:09:13,012
that person is good at football.
1506
01:09:13,014 --> 01:09:15,015
That person really knows
how to put on eyeliner
1507
01:09:15,017 --> 01:09:18,001
while doing kundalini yoga.
1508
01:09:18,003 --> 01:09:21,021
But we're all
so much more than that.
1509
01:09:21,023 --> 01:09:26,001
High school isn't about
how other people see us.
1510
01:09:26,003 --> 01:09:28,010
It's about figuring out
who we are
1511
01:09:28,012 --> 01:09:30,001
and staying true to that.
1512
01:09:30,003 --> 01:09:34,008
And I learned that
not from Shakespeare...
1513
01:09:34,010 --> 01:09:38,012
but from my best friend, Sam.
1514
01:09:38,014 --> 01:09:40,002
It's all you.
1515
01:09:45,016 --> 01:09:47,018
-This past weekend,
1516
01:09:47,020 --> 01:09:50,014
Danielle and I got high
for the first time in our lives.
1517
01:09:50,016 --> 01:09:54,002
A lot of really messed up things
happened after that.
1518
01:09:54,004 --> 01:09:56,011
Danielle lost her virginity
inside of a Hummer.
1519
01:09:56,013 --> 01:09:59,008
-[ Gasps ]
-It's true. I did that.
1520
01:09:59,010 --> 01:10:02,006
-And I helped build
the world's tallest bong,
1521
01:10:02,008 --> 01:10:06,002
which unfortunately was damaged
before being documented
1522
01:10:06,004 --> 01:10:09,005
by the Guinness Bookof World Records.
1523
01:10:09,007 --> 01:10:13,014
Then we got arrested, and our
lives were pretty much ruined.
1524
01:10:13,016 --> 01:10:16,011
But...I think I learned more
this weekend
1525
01:10:16,013 --> 01:10:19,007
than I did in all four years
of high school.
1526
01:10:19,009 --> 01:10:21,018
The most important thing
I learned
1527
01:10:21,020 --> 01:10:24,002
is that life is cumulative.
1528
01:10:26,015 --> 01:10:31,016
Each day provides a chance
for us to be our best selves.
1529
01:10:37,021 --> 01:10:41,010
So...let's strive to be
our best selves
1530
01:10:41,012 --> 01:10:45,009
as we head into the future.
1531
01:10:45,011 --> 01:10:48,002
Congratulations, Class of 2018.
1532
01:10:48,004 --> 01:10:50,019
[ Cheers and applause ]
1533
01:10:50,021 --> 01:10:54,019
♪♪
1534
01:10:54,021 --> 01:10:57,004
-Those are my girls!
1535
01:10:57,006 --> 01:11:00,002
-Super boring.
-That was fuckin' lame.
1536
01:11:00,004 --> 01:11:01,003
-Whoo!
1537
01:11:01,005 --> 01:11:07,005
♪♪
1538
01:11:07,007 --> 01:11:08,023
-So, that's my story.
1539
01:11:09,001 --> 01:11:13,000
As you can see, I've really
grown a lot this past weekend.
1540
01:11:13,002 --> 01:11:14,016
And if life truly is cumulative,
1541
01:11:14,018 --> 01:11:18,008
I hope you'll reconsider
my admission for next year.
1542
01:11:18,010 --> 01:11:20,001
The ghost candy
is selling like crazy,
1543
01:11:20,003 --> 01:11:23,006
and I can totally
afford to come now.
1544
01:11:23,008 --> 01:11:26,020
Also, I have my room
assignment all figured out.
1545
01:11:26,022 --> 01:11:29,016
-Hi. Are you done?
1546
01:11:29,018 --> 01:11:30,020
-Yeah, I think so.
1547
01:11:30,022 --> 01:11:34,000
-I forgot.
I got you something.
1548
01:11:34,002 --> 01:11:35,012
-What?
1549
01:11:35,014 --> 01:11:38,010
This is even newer
than the one I had.
1550
01:11:38,012 --> 01:11:40,012
Where did you get this?
1551
01:11:40,014 --> 01:11:42,007
-From a patron of the arts.
1552
01:11:42,009 --> 01:11:44,005
-[ Echoing ] I'm surprised no
one's stolen that iPhone yet.
1553
01:11:44,007 --> 01:11:47,005
[ Laughs ]
1554
01:11:50,006 --> 01:11:51,020
Oh. Whoops.
1555
01:11:51,022 --> 01:11:54,006
-♪ Easy motion ♪
1556
01:11:54,008 --> 01:11:57,005
♪ All across the ocean, baby ♪
1557
01:11:57,007 --> 01:11:58,020
♪ Easy motion ♪
1558
01:11:58,022 --> 01:12:00,001
♪ All across my mind ♪
1559
01:12:00,003 --> 01:12:02,003
-Okay, we have
decorative options.
1560
01:12:02,005 --> 01:12:07,020
Which do you prefer --
Solar system...or artful map?
1561
01:12:07,022 --> 01:12:12,013
-What do you think, Zelda?
1562
01:12:12,015 --> 01:12:13,016
Artful map.
1563
01:12:13,018 --> 01:12:15,004
-I was hoping
you would say that.
1564
01:12:15,006 --> 01:12:18,001
-What's up, puppers?
1565
01:12:18,003 --> 01:12:19,018
[ Cellphone chimes ]
1566
01:12:22,000 --> 01:12:25,005
Oh, my God!
Patty had her baby.
1567
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:28,003
She's so cute.
[ Cellphone bloops ]
1568
01:12:28,005 --> 01:12:29,016
-Aww!
-Aww!
1569
01:12:29,018 --> 01:12:31,002
[ Knock on door ]
-Hey, guys.
1570
01:12:31,004 --> 01:12:32,010
There's a huge
beginning-of-the-year party
1571
01:12:32,012 --> 01:12:33,021
happening tonight.
Everybody's going.
1572
01:12:33,023 --> 01:12:35,008
Do you want to pop in?
1573
01:12:35,010 --> 01:12:37,006
♪♪
1574
01:12:37,008 --> 01:12:39,009
-♪ La-la, la-la, la-la ♪
1575
01:12:39,011 --> 01:12:40,013
♪ La-la ♪
1576
01:12:40,015 --> 01:12:42,023
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1577
01:12:43,001 --> 01:12:45,014
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪
1578
01:12:45,016 --> 01:12:48,007
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1579
01:12:48,009 --> 01:12:50,018
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1580
01:12:50,020 --> 01:12:53,007
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1581
01:12:53,009 --> 01:12:55,022
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪
1582
01:12:56,000 --> 01:12:58,010
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1583
01:12:58,012 --> 01:13:01,000
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1584
01:13:01,002 --> 01:13:05,014
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1585
01:13:05,016 --> 01:13:08,019
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1586
01:13:08,021 --> 01:13:11,007
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1587
01:13:11,009 --> 01:13:16,013
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1588
01:13:16,015 --> 01:13:19,003
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1589
01:13:19,005 --> 01:13:21,020
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1590
01:13:21,022 --> 01:13:33,019
♪♪
1591
01:13:33,021 --> 01:13:45,021
♪♪
1592
01:13:52,022 --> 01:13:55,009
-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.
1593
01:13:55,011 --> 01:14:00,019
Just kidding.
I'm Danny. I'm an actor.
1594
01:14:00,021 --> 01:14:03,010
♪ These are your credits ♪
1595
01:14:03,012 --> 01:14:06,002
♪ The credits are rolling ♪
1596
01:14:06,004 --> 01:14:08,012
♪ Look at all these people ♪
1597
01:14:08,014 --> 01:14:10,016
♪ Who did this movie ♪
1598
01:14:10,018 --> 01:14:13,022
♪ And for five
to six more minutes ♪
1599
01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:16,012
♪ This is gonna be happening ♪
1600
01:14:16,014 --> 01:14:18,023
♪ I'll be dancing through them ♪
1601
01:14:19,001 --> 01:14:21,013
♪ To distract you ♪
1602
01:14:21,015 --> 01:14:23,023
♪ So many people ♪
1603
01:14:24,001 --> 01:14:27,000
♪ To make one little movie ♪
1604
01:14:27,002 --> 01:14:30,003
♪ Mm, if this was "Avatar" ♪
1605
01:14:30,005 --> 01:14:32,019
♪ There's be 5,000 names ♪
1606
01:14:32,021 --> 01:14:35,005
♪ There's not that many here ♪
1607
01:14:35,007 --> 01:14:37,021
♪ So you are very lucky ♪
1608
01:14:37,023 --> 01:14:40,018
♪ I'm dancing through
the credits ♪
1609
01:14:40,020 --> 01:14:43,009
♪ Dancing through the credits ♪
1610
01:14:43,011 --> 01:14:44,017
♪ Mnh ♪
1611
01:14:44,019 --> 01:14:46,012
♪ Mnh ♪
1612
01:14:46,014 --> 01:14:48,003
♪ Ah ♪
1613
01:14:48,005 --> 01:14:58,003
♪♪
1614
01:14:58,005 --> 01:15:00,018
-♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1615
01:15:00,020 --> 01:15:03,009
♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1616
01:15:03,011 --> 01:15:06,000
♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1617
01:15:06,002 --> 01:15:07,018
♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1618
01:15:07,020 --> 01:15:13,015
♪♪
1619
01:15:13,017 --> 01:15:18,018
♪♪
1620
01:15:18,020 --> 01:15:20,022
-♪ You ain't met
nobody like me before ♪
1621
01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:23,014
-♪ No ♪
1622
01:15:23,016 --> 01:15:25,021
-♪ I'm a sweet guy
with a big heart ♪
1623
01:15:25,023 --> 01:15:28,018
♪ But if you cross me,
you ain't gonna hear
from me no more ♪
1624
01:15:28,020 --> 01:15:29,021
♪ Everyone knows I'm on my way
to the top, top ♪
1625
01:15:29,023 --> 01:15:33,011
-♪ Yeah ♪
1626
01:15:33,013 --> 01:15:35,020
-♪ I'm a renegade,
straight-shooter ♪
1627
01:15:35,022 --> 01:15:38,011
♪ Going a thousand miles an
hour, but don't plan to stop ♪
1628
01:15:38,013 --> 01:15:41,023
♪ I'm livin' for the big life ♪
1629
01:15:42,001 --> 01:15:43,011
♪ I'm goin' for the big prize ♪
1630
01:15:43,013 --> 01:15:45,020
♪ Livin' like I got nine lives ♪
1631
01:15:45,022 --> 01:15:48,011
♪ Come on, baby,
come and watch me take over ♪
1632
01:15:48,013 --> 01:15:50,019
♪ Take over, take over ♪
1633
01:15:50,021 --> 01:15:53,007
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1634
01:15:53,009 --> 01:15:55,018
♪ I'm a soldier
who never sold out ♪
1635
01:15:55,020 --> 01:15:58,004
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1636
01:15:58,006 --> 01:16:00,015
♪ Not gonna quit
until it's over ♪
1637
01:16:00,017 --> 01:16:03,003
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1638
01:16:03,005 --> 01:16:05,015
♪ Take over,
watch me take over ♪
1639
01:16:05,017 --> 01:16:10,018
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1640
01:16:10,020 --> 01:16:15,010
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1641
01:16:15,012 --> 01:16:20,010
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1642
01:16:20,012 --> 01:16:25,009
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1643
01:16:25,011 --> 01:16:28,000
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1644
01:16:28,002 --> 01:16:30,012
♪ When I hit the club,
everybody knows me ♪
1645
01:16:30,014 --> 01:16:32,023
♪ T-Pop is the life
of the party ♪
1646
01:16:33,001 --> 01:16:35,016
♪ Need some Bombay,
we go top shelf ♪
1647
01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:42,000
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪
1648
01:16:42,002 --> 01:16:44,017
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1649
01:16:44,019 --> 01:16:47,004
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1650
01:16:47,006 --> 01:16:49,017
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1651
01:16:49,019 --> 01:16:52,008
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪
1652
01:16:52,010 --> 01:16:54,020
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1653
01:16:54,022 --> 01:16:57,009
♪ La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la ♪
1654
01:16:57,011 --> 01:17:01,023
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1655
01:17:02,001 --> 01:17:05,004
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1656
01:17:05,006 --> 01:17:07,016
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1657
01:17:07,018 --> 01:17:12,023
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1658
01:17:13,001 --> 01:17:15,013
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1659
01:17:15,015 --> 01:17:18,006
♪ La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
1660
01:17:18,008 --> 01:17:30,005
♪♪
1661
01:17:30,007 --> 01:17:42,006
♪♪
1662
01:17:49,007 --> 01:17:51,018
-Hey, what's up? It's Mr. D.
1663
01:17:51,020 --> 01:17:57,005
Just kidding.
I'm Danny. I'm an actor.
1664
01:17:57,007 --> 01:17:59,020
♪ These are your credits ♪
1665
01:17:59,022 --> 01:18:02,012
♪ The credits are rolling ♪
1666
01:18:02,014 --> 01:18:04,022
♪ Look at all these people ♪
1667
01:18:05,000 --> 01:18:07,002
♪ Who did this movie ♪
1668
01:18:07,004 --> 01:18:10,008
♪ And for five
to six more minutes ♪
1669
01:18:10,010 --> 01:18:12,022
♪ This is gonna be happening ♪
1670
01:18:13,000 --> 01:18:15,009
♪ I'll be dancing through them ♪
1671
01:18:15,011 --> 01:18:17,023
♪ To distract you ♪
1672
01:18:18,001 --> 01:18:20,008
♪ So many people ♪
1673
01:18:20,010 --> 01:18:23,009
♪ To make one little movie ♪
1674
01:18:23,011 --> 01:18:26,012
♪ Mm, if this was "Avatar" ♪
1675
01:18:26,014 --> 01:18:29,004
♪ There's be 5,000 names ♪
1676
01:18:29,006 --> 01:18:31,014
♪ There's not that many here ♪
1677
01:18:31,016 --> 01:18:34,007
♪ So you are very lucky ♪
1678
01:18:34,009 --> 01:18:37,004
♪ I'm dancing through
the credits ♪
1679
01:18:37,006 --> 01:18:39,019
♪ Dancing through the credits ♪
1680
01:18:39,021 --> 01:18:41,003
♪ Mnh ♪
1681
01:18:41,005 --> 01:18:42,022
♪ Mnh ♪
1682
01:18:43,000 --> 01:18:44,013
♪ Ah ♪
1683
01:18:44,015 --> 01:18:54,013
♪♪
1684
01:18:54,015 --> 01:18:57,004
-♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1685
01:18:57,006 --> 01:18:59,019
♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1686
01:18:59,021 --> 01:19:02,009
♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1687
01:19:02,011 --> 01:19:04,003
♪ This is how we do it, yo ♪
1688
01:19:04,005 --> 01:19:10,000
♪♪
1689
01:19:10,002 --> 01:19:15,004
♪♪
1690
01:19:15,006 --> 01:19:17,008
-♪ You ain't met
nobody like me before ♪
1691
01:19:17,010 --> 01:19:20,000
-♪ No ♪
1692
01:19:20,002 --> 01:19:22,007
-♪ I'm a sweet guy
with a big heart ♪
1693
01:19:22,009 --> 01:19:25,004
♪ But if you cross me,
you ain't gonna hear
from me no more ♪
1694
01:19:25,006 --> 01:19:26,007
♪ Everyone knows I'm on my way
to the top, top ♪
1695
01:19:26,009 --> 01:19:29,021
-♪ Yeah ♪
1696
01:19:29,023 --> 01:19:32,006
-♪ I'm a renegade,
straight-shooter ♪
1697
01:19:32,008 --> 01:19:34,021
♪ Going a thousand miles an
hour, but don't plan to stop ♪
1698
01:19:34,023 --> 01:19:38,009
♪ I'm livin' for the big life ♪
1699
01:19:38,011 --> 01:19:39,021
♪ I'm goin' for the big prize ♪
1700
01:19:39,023 --> 01:19:42,006
♪ Livin' like I got nine lives ♪
1701
01:19:42,008 --> 01:19:44,020
♪ Come on, baby,
come and watch me take over ♪
1702
01:19:44,022 --> 01:19:47,004
♪ Take over, take over ♪
1703
01:19:47,006 --> 01:19:49,016
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1704
01:19:49,018 --> 01:19:52,003
♪ I'm a soldier
who never sold out ♪
1705
01:19:52,005 --> 01:19:54,013
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1706
01:19:54,015 --> 01:19:57,001
♪ Not gonna quit
until it's over ♪
1707
01:19:57,003 --> 01:19:59,013
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1708
01:19:59,015 --> 01:20:02,001
♪ Take over,
watch me take over ♪
1709
01:20:02,003 --> 01:20:07,004
♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1710
01:20:07,006 --> 01:20:11,020
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1711
01:20:11,022 --> 01:20:16,020
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1712
01:20:16,022 --> 01:20:21,019
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1713
01:20:21,021 --> 01:20:24,009
-♪ Come on, baby girl,
watch me take over ♪
1714
01:20:24,011 --> 01:20:26,021
♪ When I hit the club,
everybody knows me ♪
1715
01:20:26,023 --> 01:20:29,008
♪ T-Pop is the life
of the party ♪
1716
01:20:29,010 --> 01:20:32,001
♪ Need some Bombay,
we go top shelf ♪
115810
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