All language subtitles for Love.Addict.2016.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

(Shimmering)

- These are not, these are not drugs.

I hate you.

- [Voiceover] Yep, that's me.

And so is that.

How did that get in there?

The point is this is not who I am.

I'm not that guy.

So how did I end up here?

- You have no idea what this means to me.

That is not the problem.

- [Voiceover] I had a
perfectly normal childhood.

My parents were great.

I did well in school.

I was great at sports.

And I had a lot of friends.

The only thing was I was shy around girls.

In fact, my luck with the
ladies was pretty terrible

until I discovered cigarettes.

I guess I thought
smoking made me look cool

and for some reason it gave
me confidence with women.

I became a successful divorce attorney.

House on the hills, a Beamer,

and a Porsche.

I even have a live-in
housekeeper and a gardener.

Sure they both drive me crazy,

but you can't have everything.

Most importantly, I
had a very shall we say

healthy sex life.

I had it all, so what went wrong?

Well, that's a little bit dramatic.

I didn't die.

I should really quit smoking.

- Ladies and gentleman of the jury,

before I excuse you for
the 4th of July weekend

to deliberate this case,

the defense will present
its closing statements.

- Thank you, Your Honor.

Looking good this morning,
Your Honor, as always.

- Please Mr. Maxwell,

please be brief this time.

Brevity is the key here.

- Brevity is my preference
as well, Your Honor.

Ladies and gentleman of the jury,

you met my client Mr. Butt
nearly two months ago.

I guess we've been together
longer than some relationships.

(laughs)

At least in my case.

Anyway.

Like in all relationships,

you will be tested

and your test today,

your final test of your service as a jury

is to decide whether Mr. Butt

has committed the crime
he's being charged with.

Now, it takes only one of
you to stand up for justice

and I know that at least one
of you has what it takes.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You're dead.

(laughter)

- [Juror] I'm really glad you won.

- Oh I'm really glad I had
such a beautiful jury member

who was listening to
everything I had to say.

- Wow, look at them go.

- That didn't take long.

I haven't even brought out the salads yet.

- They keep going like that,

you're going to have
quite a mess to clean up.

- They're outside, you're the gardener,

your mess to clean up.

- I love your inspired dinner celebration.

- Dinner?

Who said anything about dinner?

- You know what I mean.

(growls) Boop-boop-de-doop. (laughs)

- Why don't you come inside
and show me what you mean?

- What about the fireworks?

- Oh the fireworks.

I have some fireworks

(squeals)

just for you.

So you based the main character on me.

- Only loosely.

- Loosely?

You used my full name.

- I'm a lazy writer.

So what do you think?

- Look, I like it, but--

- But?

- But it's not very realistic.

A man would never kill himself
if a woman rejects his love.

- I totally would.

- What, but, but did he.

You know what your problem is?

You place too much
importance on the vagina.

- Creep.

- Hello.

A man would never jump off a building

if a woman rejects his love.

It doesn't make sense to me.

- Nah, Romeo for Juliet.

- Romeo for Juliet, no.

Romeo thought Juliet was already
dead, not the same thing.

- Okay, Marc Antony for Cleopatra.

- Well, it's not the same thing.

He thought she had already been killed.

- Ah Pyramus for Thisbe, boo-yah.

- Who?

- So you think she'll
be at the book signing?

- Who?

- Marnie, my girlfriend.

- Marnie, your ex-girlfriend.

She dumped you like six times, remember?

- She didn't officially dump me, alright.

She just said she needs
some space for work.

- Yeah that's a convenient excuse.

- I just think if she sees
me as a published author

she's not gonna think I'm such a loser.

- You wrote a book about a loser dude.

- Yeah, it's what I know.

- Look, you have to forget about her.

What plus when this book comes out

you're gonna be famous.

You're gonna have women all over you.

- You think?

- Yeah plus, you know,
you're smarty, you're funny.

- I live with my parents.

- Yeah but they're smart and funny too.

- I know it sounds weird
man, but I really love her

even though she thinks
I'm a little sissy boy

that can't find the G-spot.

I googled it.

I understand the science behind it.

Like when I'm with her I just feel like

hi, wow.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- No, no, no, this is not how you do it.

Please, go ahead of us.

- Thanks.

- I'm Owen Maxwell..

- Paige.

- Paige.
- Hi.

- Oh no wonder you like reading, Paige.

Listen, if you're not busy tonight

there's this recipe for tiramisu
I'd like to indulge your

sweet tooth.

I'm a real wiz in the
kitchen and every other room.

- Well I was just gonna rent a movie

and pop a bottle of wine, but sure.

- Great.
- Why not?

- Excellent.

Let me get this straight.

So while your wife was at the hospital,

you took her car,

picked up your mistress and
drove to your mountain cabin,

which is in your wife's name,

got high on the marijuana your
wife needed for her glaucoma,

while you were having sex,

the joint started a fire that
entirely destroyed the cabin?

Does that about cover it?

- Yes.

Oh I also ran over her shih tzu

while we were escaping the blaze.

- Oh you killed her dog too.

You're the one suing for divorce?

- Yes, but only after she said

she never wanted to see me again.

I mean, some people can't
practice forgiveness.

- Well, luckily we have
signed a prenup agreement

that says that she's not entitled

to what you came into the marriage with,

which amounts to

approximately four
million dollars in assets

including deposits and other valuables.

- Actually that is why I'm here today.

I lied.

- You lied?

- Yes, I never had any of that.

I just told her that so she'd
think I was worth marrying

and not some, you know, gold digging loser

looking for a sugar mama.

- You certainly did not bring
any dignity to this marriage,

did you, Mr. Hoover?

It seems that all you
contributed was a lot of lies.

- And a lot of love.

- [Owen] But mostly lies.

- Yes.

But now I am emotionally damaged.

- I can see that.

- No, no.

You do not know what it was
like living with that woman.

I mean, she criticized me,

she insulted my character,

she made me feel like less than a man.

- Mr. Hoover, they have pills for that now

and maybe even a cream.

I really appreciate the
pain and the suffering,

but I don't think we have
enough for a case here.

I'm sorry.

- I knew it.

Just like my wife always said,

nothing sucks like a Hoover.

She said that in front
of my coworkers once.

They never let me forget it.

I had to quit I was so embarassed.

Thank you for your time.

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Mr. Hoover, sit down.

She slandered you in the workplace?

- Just a half slandered.

I experimented a little in college.

- Regardless, she created
a hostile work environment.

She is interfering with your
gainful employment, Mr. Hoover.

Congratulations, you've
got yourself a lawyer.

- Thank you, Mr. Maxwell.

Oh oh!

Oh yippee!

Oh!
- Mr. Hoover.

- That's, oh this is great oh.

What, you smoke?

- I've been meaning to quit.

- I got it, I got it.

This is the thing for you.

You gotta try this.

- Dr. Candi with an I?

I think I nailed someone
with a name like that once.

- She works wonders.

I haven't had a cigarette in five months.

You should try it.

- You made it.

- Of course we did.

How could I miss Jude's
first book signing?

How are you, man?

- Book signing?

(laughs) I thought you
said he was an author.

- This is my boy, Nick.

- You have a son.

- Hey, Dad.

Can I talk to you in private

about some girl problems
you can help me with?

- Look, I'll be right back.

Why don't you check out the buffet

and eat something you recognize.

See you later, man.

- Rick.

Can you sign my book?

Wow.

- Hey man, how are you doing?

Did she show?

- Let's check.

She stopped at a gas station

to get gas to come to the party.

- What is this, Jude?

- It's portable GPS.

- You're tracking your ex?

- When you say it like
that it sounds creepy.

- It is creepy.

Just put that thing away.

Just enjoy the show, this is your night.

- My night?

- [Owen] It's your night.

- My night.

- So here's the lowdown.

I was talking these two
PR hotties in the kitchen.

One has soccer mom arms,

but I really don't mind
jumping on that grenade.

- Thanks, but I'll pass.

- Hey, listen.

Her friend told me she
thinks reality television

is actually real.

Come on, nothing beats moron sex.

- Relax, I mean this is Jude's night.

Let's just enjoy just,

besides I'm here with someone.

- Yeah, where is she by the way?

She's not peeling the shrimp.

Hey, that's the woman I
was telling you about.

- Ooh why didn't you say she was.

I need a cigarette.

- I wish I smoked.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Thanks.

- Any time.

So you enjoying the party?

- Mmm, It's not really my scene.

- Ha, Tell me about it.

Bunch of posers if you ask me.

I bet half of these people
haven't even read the book.

- There's a book?

(laughter)

I didn't know.
(laughter)

I don't really read much.

- Me neither.

I'll take half hour of American
Idol over Hemingway any day.

- I love that show.

- Because you are a woman of class.

(laughter)

Anyway the only reason I'm here

is because the author is my friend.

- Really?

- Yeah, he based a character on me,

the hero actually.

- So you're famous?

- Nah, he's the writer.

I'm just an average lawyer
who drives a Porsche

and makes seven figures a year.

(laughter)

- Oh I'm sorry, this is
just the most entertaining

conversation I have heard all evening.

- This party's getting kind of crowded.

- Yeah.

- How about we go
someplace quieter and talk?

- Sure, I'll get my coat.

- I'll be here.

- Okay.

- It worked.

Wow.

I'm so glad I did not derail

the little meeting of
the minds that you had.

- Excuse me, but do I know you?

- No, no.

But I know your type.

- You do?

And what's my type, smart, successful?

- Lazy, very lazy.

You don't want to have
to work for anything

so you go for the easy
targets, shiny objects,

instant gratification.

God forbid you actually challenge yourself

with an intelligent woman.

- Like you, I suppose.

- What, no.

This has nothing to do with me.

- Well you're the one
doing all the talking.

You're just judging me on a conversation

you picked up in a party.

Talk about an easy target.

- You're right.

I am sorry.

I have no right to judge you.

(moaning)

- I broke a tooth.

- What, what's wrong with you?

- [Eileen] Oh.

- What is this shrapnel
coming out of your mouth?

- Muscles.
(moaning)

- Oh dear god, how many
of those did you eat?

- Three?
(moaning)

Because the first two went
down so smoothly, right?

Okay, okay, oh okay.

Come, just sit here, sit here.

I'll be right back, don't move.

(growling)

Come here, tigress.

(laughter)
(growling)

- You like that?

- Yeah.
(growling)

(slaps)
(squeals)

(growling)
(laughter)

(hissing)
(laughter)

What are you doing?

- Do you want to wear my panties?

(laughter)

(grunting)

(laughter)

(grunting)

(grunting)

- Hey, good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning!

(snorting)

(farting)

Ooh.

(door slamming)

Oh did I wake you up?

I need to get going to work so.

- Don't mind me.

If you're lucky, I'll still
be here when you get back.

(growls)

(meows)
(giggles)

- [Trudy] Found these in the sink.

- Really?

Kitchen or bathroom?

- You might want to
consider trying it in black.

It's a more slimming color, you know.

- Pink is the color of angels.

- Speaking of angels,

can you please take care of
the fallen angel upstairs?

- With pleasure.

- I'll help.

- Don't you have some fertilizer
to spread, you old fart?

- See a couple of things right
there I'd like to spread.

(moaning)

(squeals)

- You came back for more, tiger?

(screams)

(screams)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Eileen Jenkins here to see Rhonda Price.

- Sure.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, I'm looking for Rhonda Price.

Oh.

It's you.

- It's you as well, so
what can I do for you?

- You don't remember me, do you?

- Oh oh oh of course I do.

I would have called, but I had to

get out of town unexpectedly.

But hey, let me make it up to you.

How about dinner tonight at my place?

I'll cook.

- You think I slept with you.

- Oh no, no, no, of course not.

I mean, you're not the kind of woman who'd

and I respect that, I mean
you wanna take it slow.

- I am the woman from last night.

- Yes, it's you, of course.

- I'm sure you and your
friend had a really good time

assuming that you stayed
away from big words

and what are they called?

Oh, thoughts.

- Yes, yes we did, yes we did.

And I'm sure you had a great time with

oh that's right, you were alone.

Well at least you had a big glass of wine

to keep you company.

- [Eileen] Rhonda.

- Well, I see you two have met.

- What?

This is my lawyer?

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

No, Rhonda, we're going
to have to change--

- (laughs) You're getting a divorce?

(laughs) That's a shocker, she's gonna,

sorry Rhonda.

- I will represent myself.

- He really is the best divorce attorney.

He gets his clients everything they want.

- Well I just hope he's brighter

than the women he goes out with.

("Lay It On Me" by
Christopher Hawley Rollers)

- Do you think I date stupid women?

- Yes, lucky bastard.

- No I mean, do you
think they're beneath me?

- Only in bed.

High five.

(laughter)

- Really?

Crap.

- [Owen] What is this?

- It's a portable GPS.

It shows that Marnie's
gonna be crossing by here

at precisely 10:23.

Suit up, Owen, I need you.

- [Nick] Jude, you gotta stop this.

(grunts)

- I can practically taste
your desperation, man.

- It tastes bad.

- It tastes very bad.

Look, you gotta forget about her

and get back on the horse, any horse.

I'm gonna pick out a girl in this bar

and you have to go talk to her.

There.

- [Nick] Ooh she's way out of your league.

- Way out of my league.

- No, don't listen to him.

Just go get her.

Just go, just go.

Waiting for you.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You like pictures?

- What is he showing her?

- (laughs) I don't know.

- I like my men in pairs.

- Yeah I'll get back to you.

- Hey, how'd it go?

- I showed her a picture of my nephew.

- Why would you do that, man?

- I don't know, I panicked.

- What did she say?

- She said she likes her men in pairs.

I don't even know what that means.

I think she's catching up for lost time.

I don't know, man.

- Hey well if it's gonna help
you get back on the horse,

I'm game.

- See ya.

- Oh guys, this is my cue.

Watch and learn.

Hey.

- He can pick up a woman

faster than it takes me to
talk myself out of trying.

- (moans) I love your house so much.

- It's a cool house, yeah?

- Yeah.

How much did it cost?

- About two million.

- Oh yeah, I love that.

- Yeah.

- So you gonna take me shopping tomorrow?

- Oh yeah.

- Oh will you take me to Rodeo?

- Oh yeah.

- Oh god. (moans)

Ooh I like this, is this platinum?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Wow you slept all night like that.

- It was really comfortable.

- I need to go.

- Oh you can't leave just yet.

You gotta give me some money

so I can go shopping today.

- Yeah, but--

- Remember, you promised.

- I think I left my wallet at the office.

- You could go and take me shopping

so I can have a nice
pretty dress, some shoes,

couple diamond earrings

so that when I meet your
parents they love me.

- Oh my god.

I really need to quit smoking.

- Well, well, well,

if it isn't Owen Maxwell.

- Well the pleasure is all mine, doctor.

- You don't remember me, do you?

- No, not again.

- Before we get started
I want you to choose

your inner animal guide for
our work here together today.

- My inner animal?

Can I?

- Have a seat, Owen.

- That's not my--

- Shh.

Now, Owen Maxwell,

I want you to give me a hand
and place it on my heart.

- That's not your heart.

- Shh I'm gonna put my
hand on your heart, okay?

- Okay.

- I want you to close your eyes and relax

and remember this is is a safe space,

our safe creative space.

Anything is possible here.

Magical transformations are possible here.

Now, keep your eyes closed

and take three deep,
full, vigorous breaths

into the palm of my hand.

Good.

- Very good.

- As I move away, remember
the feeling of my touch

as you keep your breath steady.

- So Doctor, did you go to
medical school for all this?

- Oh no, Owen Maxwell.

Unfortunately, traditional
western medicine

is still very closed-minded
about hypnotherapy.

I got my degree online.

It only took me six weeks.

- Only six, that's great.

- And please, call me Dr. Candi.

That's Candi with an I.

- Of course it is, Candi with an I.

So how does this work?

- It's very simple.

I'm gonna lead you through a series

of imagery-based suggestions
tailored specifically to you,

which you will then integrate
into your subconscious.

- But will I still have the urge to smoke?

- At first, but any attempt to smoke

will induce extreme nausea

even to the point of vomiting.

Pretty soon the last thing
you'll want will be a cigarette.

- Sounds good.

- Oh I should probably mention

you may experience certain mood swings

as you move through the detox process.

- Well, if it can help
me quit smoking then

it's worth it.

So how do we know each other?

- Last winter.

- Last winter.

- Skiing.

- Skiing.

- In Vermont.

- Oh yeah, the champagne,

the hot tub, and the stripper.

Wow that was hot.

- Yeah that wasn't me.

- That wasn't you?

Really?

Oh yeah it wasn't me either.

That must have been a movie

or something I saw on the Internet.

Anyway, I'm ready.

So please go ahead and hypnotize me.

- Oh I will.

- [Eileen] Are you going to lunch?

- Yeah, do you want anything.

- Nah, oh will you stop by the courthouse

on the way back?

- More patient files from Judge Calhoun?

- Yes.

- You got it.

- Oh hello.
(rumbling)

(coughing)

- Owen Maxwell.

Welcome to Even Better Rehab Center.

What is your poison?

Alcohol, crack,

heroin?

Oh I know, dumb girls.

- Good one, very good one.

So why do you want to meet here?

This place gives me the creeps.

- Well if I'm forced to
have you as my lawyer

then I think you should
see what I'm fighting for.

Follow me.

- So what's the story here?

Your husband cheated you

or didn't spend enough time with you?

- Oh no, my husband is a really good guy.

I'm divorcing him because
he's lonely in the--

- (laughs) Really?

- Don't point at my vagina.

No, stop it.

The truth is I never
really wanted to marry him

in the first place and I
was very clear about that,

but he was persistent
and he has a lot of money

so eventually I gave in.

Who's winning, Tom?

Oh the twins are beating you again.

Let me give you a little pointer.

(laughs)

- So you married him for his money?

I wouldn't have pegged you
as the type, seriously.

- Well yes, sorta,

but it's really not
the way that you think.

This place was gonna close down.

It was losing its government funding

and he promised to buy it
for me if I married him.

- But now obviously you regret it, right?

- No, not at all.

I get to run the center.

I don't bother him, he doesn't bother me.

It is, it was perfect.

- You're quite the romantic, aren't you?

- Well now he wants a
traditional marriage.

- Oh and I'm assuming it comes
with traditional sex, right?

- I think he deserves to
have whatever he wants

in the marriage, I just
can't give it to him.

- Okay so what do you want from him?

- I want the rehab center.

- This?

- That's it, yes.
- You're crazy.

That's it?

Really?

Look at them.

- [Eileen] Owen!

- Your husband is worth millions.

He has two jets.

Two!

- He can keep all of that.

- Look, I really think you're
making a big mistake here.

It's just a bunch of losers
with no self control.

- Oh an addiction is a disease.

- Well yeah, but so is athlete's foot,

but you know what?

I put on some tropical cream and I'm good.

- Tropical cream?

- Yeah.

- I think you meant topical.

- Yeah topical, even better.

I can get you the beach house.

- Just the center.

Thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Hey Nick, what is this?

- My application for
Lakers season tickets.

I got a good feeling about this year.

- Do you actually work?

- Hey, I get more done in a day

than you do by 9 a.m.

- I don't come in until 9 a.m.

- My point exactly.

How was the hypnotherapist?

- Oh the, well forgettable apparently.

- Do you still want to smoke?

- More than life itself.

- Hi guys.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Ooh damn.

(whistles)
(rumbling)

Sounds like someone skipped breakfast.

You want a donut or something?

- No, it's the hypnotherapy
it's supposed to make me

nauseous when I think about cigarettes.

- Wipe up the drool,
boys, this isn't Cinemax.

- What, I was just making copies.

- Hi Rhonda.

Looking good, Rhonda.

(laughs)

I have one more release for you.

- Ooh.

(laughs)

- Here it is.

- (squeals) Tequila.

- To release our inhibitions.

- Oh you say big words. (laughs)

Drink some more. (laughs)

Here, take this off.

- Injunction.

- What is that?

- Habeas corpus.

Body of evidence.
- More, more, oh boy.

- Double indemnity

Legal briefs.

(squealing)
(rumbling)

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, it just must be something I ate.

- Give it to me, smarty pants.

- Oh yeah.

- Come here. (laughs)

(rumbling)

(screams)

(screams)

- Get off of me.

- [Trudy] What happened to you?

- Trudy,

it was a very rough night at the office,

a very, very rough night.

- I'm gonna make you some tea.

- Leave the poor guy alone, Trudy.

Can't you see he's upset?

He struck out last night,
he's coming home alone.

- You smell.

- How do you like that?

You know what, come here.

Come to daddy.

- Why don't you buy it a drink first?

- Rhonda, what can I do for you?

- I have a very important
client I need you to handle.

It's critical that you win
this case, do you understand?

- Yes.

- By the way, did you hear?

We're looking for a new senior partner.

A big win would impress a
lot of people around here.

- Got it, it's handled.

- And for the love of god, wash that

before you put it back in the kitchen.

- Oh yeah, yeah, don't worry.

- Mr. Davenport, I'd like to
introduce you to Owen Maxwell.

He's the best we have.

- Hi Mr. Davenport.
- How do you do?

- [Owen] Please have a seat.

- [Davenport] Thank you.

- So Mr. Davenport,

your wife wants a divorce?

- Yes, that's right.

I was cheating on her.

- But does she have proof?

- There was a recording.

Right here.

- Thank you.

(moaning)

- [Voiceover] Oh Louis.

Oh honey bunny.

- Your face isn't visible.

No one can tell it's you.

- [Voiceover] You want this dick? (laughs)

- [Voiceover] You're such a great lover.

- [Voiceover] Ooh that's right.

- [Owen] Still Louis
is a very common name.

- [Voiceover] Oh you want
this Davenport dick, huh?

- [Voiceover] Oh yes.

- I see.

Well Mr. Davenport, that
doesn't bode well for us

if it goes to trial.

It's going to be very
difficult to convince a jury

that you were not in the wrong.

I recommend we settle.

- You don't understand.

I don't want a divorce.

- You don't?

- I love my wife.

Now, I know I've made a few mistakes,

but nothing I have means
anything without her.

- Have you at least spoken to her?

- She won't see me.

Can you help me?

- Mr. Davenport, this is not
the kind of things we do here.

This is a law firm.

- I'm a very powerful man, Mr. Maxwell.

I'm generous to a fault with my friends,

ruthless beyond belief with my enemies.

My wife is the most
important thing in my life.

I need you to help me.

- I understand, Mr. Davenport.

Let me see what I can do.

(birds chirping)

- Mr. Maxwell has arrived.

- Thank you, Maria.

Ah my cheating husband's lawyer.

What can I do for you, Mr. Maxwell?

- Your husband would like you
to consider reconciliation.

- And I'd like him to consider

shoving that restraining
order I'm about to file

up his ass.

- Mrs. Davenport, come on.

This is not.

Mrs. Davenport.

Mrs. Davenport, please.

Please be reasonable, Mrs Da. (rumbling)

- Reasonable?

I've been more than reasonable
for the past six years.

It's not like I didn't
know he had playmates,

but to see him on videotape
with the pool boy.

- What?

- That was beyond humiliating.

- He did the pool boy too?

That's sick.

- Oh yeah.

There's a lot about my
husband that you don't know.

Are you feeling okay?

- I'm fine, I'm fine.

Mrs. Davenport, I'm sure
we can work this out.

- That I find hard to believe.

Look at me, Mr. Maxwell.

I do not trust a man that
doesn't make eye contact with me.

- Not sexual.
(rumbling)

Not, not.

Magazine.

- What do you want?

(gagging)
(dog barking)

Is this what you want?

- No, no, that towel.

- Okay you know what,

(gagging)

I don't have time for
any more of your games.

Tell my husband I'll
be seeing him in court.

- Mrs. Davenport, please.

- Come on, baby.

(rumbling)
(coughing)

("Letting Go" by Take Cover)

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Nice form.

Let me guess,

cross country in high school?

You were good at the 5K

but even better at the 10K.

- Impressive.

- I know my runners.

Me, I'm a sprinter.

- Well let's hope you're not as speedy

as you were in high school.

- Oh no, no, no, no.

Hamstring injury, I'm more
of an endurance man now.

You know what I mean.

- Oh well you know I live
just a few blocks away.

I make great smoothies.

- Sure.
(rumbling)

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

(gagging)
(coughing)

Oh my god.

What's wrong with me?

Wait a minute.

No.

No, must be food poisoning.

- Excuse me, excuse me.

Could you help me put this on my back?

(rumbling)

- Oh my god, I'm allergic to hotties.

Yes.

Yes.

- What about her?

- Look, no.

I told you I'm only
nauseous around hot women.

What is this?

- If we do not use the
scientific method, my friend,

then no hypothesis is valid.

Let us see,

if we can rule out transexuals,

transvestites,

men, older women.

Though I think you're missing the point

on that one, my friend.

- No, no I'm not, no.

- So you did have a slight reaction

when that poodle walked in.

- The poodle?

I was coughing.

Come on, this is
ridiculous, I'm out of here.

Ooh.

I like that.

- That is my very sexy cousin, Sandra.

- And then she ruins it by
graduating from university.

- She graduated with honors
in international arbitration.

- Wait.

I'm not nauseous anymore.

That's it.

- What?

- I'm only affected by
women I want to sleep with.

Think about it.

As soon as she was able to graduate

and fully form ideas, I lost interest.

- So you're saying you only
want to sleep with idiots.

- Yes, exactly.

- Then you just need to stop sleeping

with dumb, attractive women.

- But we live in L.A.

Why is this happening to me?

- I will teach you a trick, my friend.

Whenever you are feeling nauseous,

just pinch the skin underneath your wrist.

- Will that work?

- Oh yeah.

This will distract you
from your sexual impulses

unless of course you are into the pain.

- Come on, Dr. Freud.

Let's get out of here.

- That was good, right?

Did you like the accent?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hi, hi.

- Owen?

What are you doing?

- You forgot your divorce
papers in my office.

- Oh thank you.

Why are you dressed like that?

- What?

No, nothing.

- [Eileen] Are you on something?

- No, no, no.

- [Eileen] Take off your glasses.

- What, no.

- [Eileen] Take off your
glasses and look me in the face.

- No.

- [Eileen] Look at me.

- I guess I don't want to sleep with you.

- I don't want to sleep with you either.

- No, you don't understand.

I'm allergic to women
I want to sleep with.

- (laughs) What?

- Yes, it's crazy but it's true.

Every time I start getting aroused,

I feel I want to throw up.

- Well, you do have some
pretty low standards.

- No, it's not like that.

- Well here, I'm sure there's a rational

explanation for this.

When did this start?

- I don't know, I guess when I went

to the hypnotherapist to quit smoking.

- Oh well is it possible
that the hypnotherapist

gave you the wrong
subconscious suggestion?

- She must be trying to get back at me.

- For what?

- No, no, just a

dissatisfied client.

- Oh shocker.
- Oh my god.

I'm allergic to sex, oh my god.

- Oh god, okay calm down.

This is not the end of the world.

- It's not the end of the world?

It's a known fact that a man can only go

three days without sex before dying.

- That's water.

I think this will be good for you.

- Good for me?

What kind of a twisted person are you?

- Thank you, Owen.

- Freak.

- [Eileen] Okay.

- She disappeared

just like that.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Can't you just go to another hypnotist?

- You think that will work?

- I don't see why not.

You want me to find her for you?

- What?

- Oh yeah, I got connections.

I can get my people on it.

- What people?

- Oh.

I've got people.

- I'm going to count backwards from three

and when I snap my fingers,

you will become fully alert.

In three,

two,

one.

(snaps)

- That's it?

- That's it.

- I feel good, I feel very good.

- You should be completely back to normal

and you're welcome.

- You're good.

- Oh I'm the best.

- Thank you, doctor.

- You see my girl on your way out.

And we don't take American Express.

- Alright there's your
receipt, Mr. Maxwell.

- Thank you, Suzie,

and please call me Owen.

Mr. Maxwell's my father's name

and unfortunately he
passed away a few years ago

and left me quite a large inheritance.

- You poor thing.

I'm so sorry.

(rumbling)

(yells)

- Oh that's disgusting.

Keep the trashcan.

- Breathe.

Calm.

Your shakras are all out of alignment.

This causes great turbulence
with your psychic energy.

- Let's get those puppies aligned then.

- I can see an abundance of sexual energy

blocked at its source.

- You can say that again.

- I see how crucial this
has been to your survival.

- You're preaching to the choir, sister.

- I see your past and.

- What?

- You're a complete sleazebag, aren't you?

- What?

What about my shakras?

(humming)
(tribal music)

What are you doing?

What are you?

Ow.

That hurt.

No, not the back.

Okay, please be gentle.

Please.

(yells)

I'm really not comfortable with you

putting needles in my ass.

I realize this is just a doll,

but do not.

(yells)

Come on, don't turn it.

(yells)

Look, just give it.

- Mr. Maxwell.

Hi, I'm Dr. Hilly.

- Hi how are you, doctor?

- Nice to meet you.

It says here you're having
trouble performing sexually.

- Yeah.

It's not actually performing.

I don't even get to performing.

It's every time I see a
woman it's like (gags).

- Oh I see.

Have you tried anything else?

- I've been to hypnotherapist,
healers, shamans.

I've even been to a guy
who advertises himself

as a labido Jesus.

None of them worked.

Can you please help me?

- I believe I can.

- Oh thank you.

You have no idea what this means to me.

- Now if you would just
step off the table,

drop your trousers and bend over.

- What?

What are you going to do with that hand?

- Well you said that
you could not have sex

and often the rectum
holds a lot of tension.

- That is not the problem, doctor.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm checking in.

- What?

- I'm checking in.

- [Eileen] Why?

- No one else can help me.

I think I'm addicted.

- Addicted to what?

- To not having sex.

- I don't think that's
how an addiction works.

Besides didn't you say so yourself,

and I quote,

addicts are just losers
with no self control?

- Yes, I did.

But you can't believe what
an addict says, can you?

- You know, maybe you are suffering

from some sort of withdrawal.

- You mean like sex detox?

- Yeah, it's possible.

Maybe you've tricked your body

into believing somehow
it needs sex to survive.

- Oh believe me, it does.

- Well, we can't help you here.

We're not equipped for your condition.

- I'm sure there must
be something you can do.

- (sighs) Okay.

Here.

- Drugs?

- Oh relax, it's over the counter.

It's anti-nausea medicine.

We give it to our bulimic patients.

- So let me get this straight,

if I take the pills

I'll be free to have
sex without throwing up,

but I'll have no desire to
have sex whatsoever, right?

- [Eileen] Exactly.

- It's a sexual Catch-22.

- That's fine.

- No, wait, wait, wait, okay.

Fine.

I won't be having any action either way

so I might as well take the option

that lets me keep my lunch down.

- [Eileen] Well there you go.

- Mr. Maxwell.

- Yes?

- [Woman] Mr. Davenport
insisted on speaking with you.

- I came by to ask if you
had spoken to my wife.

- Yes I did.

And she doesn't want to reconcile.

Please have a seat.

- I guess I should have figured that.

I did put her through a lot.

- I suggest we start
negotiating a settlement.

- No, no, no, I won't rest
until I have her back.

- Mr. Davenport, you will
have to accept the fact

that your wife wants a divorce

and if you don't do anything about it,

she'll take us to court

and I'm sure there are certain things

you don't want to reveal to the public.

- I don't care what the public thinks.

Have you ever been in love, Mr. Maxwell?

- Oh no, no.

- Yeah, I didn't think so

because if you had you'd know

that when you lose the one
thing that matters in your life,

the thing that drives you,

that got you out of bed in the morning,

the thing that brings purpose,

when you lose that,

everything that made you
happy before rings hollow.

Life is, for all intents
and purposes, over.

Mr. Maxwell,

are you okay?

- Mr. Maxwell.

Mr. Maxwell.

Are you ready to proceed, Mr. Maxwell?

- Sure, Your Honor.

(gasping)

Today I will prove that my client,

who's the victim of severe emotional abuse

by the defendant that resulted in the loss

of his gainful employment.

The damages we are seeking include

all property.

All property.

You people have things in your life

that you enjoy doing, right?

Wouldn't you rather be out
there doing those things?

- Mr. Maxwell.

- Have a picnic,

go to a ballgame,

or even better, enjoy
some freestyle hiking,

and tell your husbands and
wives how much you love them.

- Mr. Maxwell, that is enough.

- If there are things or
people you actually care about,

go to them now.

Enjoy life while you still can.

Go to them now.

Go, go!

- I will have order in this courtroom.

- And have lots and lots of sex!

- Bailiff, take him into custody.

Mr. Maxwell, I am charging
you with contempt.

(gasping)

Oh the man's on drugs.

- No, no, no, no.

- Mr. Maxwell, I am remanding you

to the custody of a drug
rehabilitation center immediately.

Bailiff, take him away.

- These are not, these are not drugs.

I hate you and you.

I hate you.

- Okay, thank you.

Eileen?

- [Eileen] Yeah?

- You're never gonna
believe this. (laughs)

- No.

Oh shit.

So Judge Calhoun thinks
you have a drug problem.

- Yeah, I kind of flipped out in court.

- Yeah, so I heard.

What's going on?

- I don't know.

Everything seems so boring now

because everyone else is doing something

that revolves around sex,

getting it or talking about it

or looking for it.

My appetite is next to nothing

and I think I can't stand my job anymore.

- Let me ask you something.

Why did you become a
lawyer in the first place?

- I don't know.

Good money,

prestige.

- All really useful things
for picking up women.

- You're right, oh my god.

My whole life is based on sex.

- Bingo!

- We've got to do something about this.

- We do.

But I have no idea what I can do for you.

- [Owen] Please.

- (laughs) Owen.

- Please.

- Oh this is embarrassing, Owen.

You're begging.

Let's see, what could I do to help you?

Art therapy?

No.

Self love, oh you've got plenty of that.

I don't know, Owen.

I guess I could try and put
you into the sex addict group.

It starts at 3:00.

- Even better, sex addicts.

- You're going to self
diagnose as a sex addict.

- [Owen] Yes.
- Great.

That's perfect, let's put you in there.

- Excellent.

- And please read the manual
before you get started, okay?

- Excellent, see you there.

- See you then.

(yells)

Oh wow.

Karma is a bitch.

- For me it all started with a
bunch of meaningless affairs.

It was a coworker,

then a client.

Sure I have a wife and kids at home,

but you know, I figure
all men cheat around,

it's no big deal

until it started interfering with my work.

I mean, I used to miss meeting
because I was having sex

with complete strangers
in public restrooms.

Didn't matter to me
anymore, I lost everything.

My 12-year-old daughter
won't even talk to me.

(sobbing)

It's been four months and five days

and I'm gonna stay straight.

- Four months, did he say four months?

Seriously, if I'm not getting any by then,

somebody please shoot me.

- Okay.

Frank, thank you so much for sharing.

Everyone, we have a new
member of our group today.

Owen, why don't you
tell us why you're here.

- Look, it's simple.

I can't have sex.

- Well, I'm glad that
you admit it to yourself

and showing how harmful your
lifestyle has been in the past.

- My lifestyle?

- Well yeah.

- Are you kidding me?

I love my lifestyle.

I had more action than
I knew what to do with.

What I'm really saying is

I literally can't have
sex without vomiting

and it's killing me, I
don't know who I am anymore.

- I'm really confused, why are you here?

- I want my life back.

I miss sex

and not just the act of sex.

I miss the whole process.

The seduction,

the taste of a woman's neck,

the shape of her hips when I
gently remove her delicates.

And then it begins.

The rhythm becomes primal,

matching the beating of our hearts.

We become engorged in a pleasure

that is almost other worldly.

Faster, deeper,

stronger.

We're brought right up
to the edge of a volcano,

we can't hold it anymore.

And then

the release,

the orgasm.

What else is there to live for?

(panting)

- You know what, you don't belong here.

Seriously, you don't belong here.

Eileen!

- Well, that was a big mistake.

- Come on,

they looked to be enjoying themselves.

So what now?
- Go.

- Go?

Just like that?

You're supposed to help me.

- Look Owen, I can't have
you undoing all the good work

that I've done here.

You don't belong here.

- So what do you want me to do now?

- Deal with it.

A lot of people haven't
had sex in months or years.

The whole world doesn't exist
to please you, Owen Maxwell.

There's a lot bigger problems out there

than not getting laid.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

(sighs)

("I Hate Feeling Like This" by I Low)

- 40% of what? (laughs)

(snoring)

- Yeah.
(camera clicking)

- Hey wake up!
- Oh my god.

- Whoa!

(laughter)

Whoa, what are you guys doing here?

- We're checking up on you.

- Me?

I'm fine.

- Oh yeah, no, no, you look great.

You look great.

- Just a headache.

Don't judge.

Booze is the closest thing I have

to a relationship right now.

It's like my father.

- [Jude] Say bye.

- Don't pour daddy down the drain!

No!

- Pull yourself together, man.

- Ah there she is.

(laughter)

- Nice catch.

- Get dressed, let's go.

How is it you're this bad at basketball?

- I'm more of a penetrator than a shooter.

- Oh no you're not.

Owen is a penetrator.

Yes!
- Oh!

Owen Maxwell's back.

- Guys, can't tell you
how desperate I've been.

This whole nausea business is killing me.

- Man, don't worry about it.

There's plenty of fun we
can have without women.

- Really?
- [Jude] Yeah, that's true.

- Like what?

- Well we could go for a picnic lunch,

great pottery class,

oh freestyle hiking, you'd like that.

- I want to have fun,

it's not about your bucket list.

- Yeah.

Hey, how about a Dodgers game?

Can you get box seats?

- Well depends whether I still have

clout with one of my old clients.

- Clout?

- Yeah, clout.

- Ew, that's what you get
for sleeping around, bro.

- What?
- What?

(phone ringing)

- Well I gotta go.

- I told you to put that thing away.

- No, this is Otto.

He find Dr. Candi.

Not a real doctor by the way.

- Oh Otto, your buddy Otto
came through big time, man.

- Ironically, he's a dwarf.

- So things are looking up, right?

- Well he's blind actually

so he's not, you know, looking per-se.

- Fine, using his other senses.

Very resourceful.

How about you, what's your excuse?

- I got a date to tame this mature Philly

all by myself a little bit later on.

Oh oh!

- But guys, we just got here.

- [Jude] Owen Maxwell.

- You the man!

- He's back!

- Maxwell has the ball at half court

and is breaking down
the defense by himself.

Four seconds to go.

Goes to the left, three seconds to go.

Goes to the right, two seconds to go.

Spins and fade away shot.
(cheering)

One second and

he was fouled, he was fouled.

- And then in the deepest
depths of my darkness,

I saw a shaft of light,

hope.

(clapping)
(finger snapping)

- What's wrong with him?

- He caught Marnie with another guy today

on his surveillance equipment.

Yeah, apparently a blow job
looks a lot worse on infrared.

- Owch.

Well, I hear pain feeds art so.

- Why?

I hate women!

Mommy, I just wanna be held.
(sobbing)

(clapping)
(finger snapping)

- Do you think we should help him?

- Probably.

It's a shame, but I see it every day.

- What, guys thinking the world revolves

around their little friend?

- That's not what I meant.

I'm saying men just hand their balls over

to women like they're melted bonbons.

- Wow guys, how poetic.

Maybe you two should get up on stage.

- I'm serious.

You see, it's the secret
no one talks about.

Women have all the power in society.

- Careful buddy, I wouldn't
say that too loudly in here.

- Yeah, you might get a Birkenstock

thrown at your head in this place.

- You know what I'm saying.

Women use their sexuality
to get what they want

and men just let them get away with it.

- Come on, you're being ridiculous.

- Am I?

Look.

(muttering)

Case in point.

- I hate women.

(moaning)

Bursting hair in your eyes.

Your voice is like a
kitten's purr on spring day

and those eyes are like Medusa.

(bawling)

(keys jingling)
(door slams)

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Would you mind, my keys?

- Oh you'd like me to
do that, wouldn't you?

- Excuse me?

- You'd like me to bend down

and practically kiss the
ground to grab your keys?

Why don't you ask me to kiss your feet

while I'm down there, yeah?

- Sorry.

- Sorry?

No, you're not sorry.

You're just using me like
a piece of meat, huh?

Why don't you ask me to
grab your things instead?

Because holding things
is for strong people,

but crawling around is
for ants and cockroaches.

Is this what you think of me?

- No, I--

- No, give me this.

- No.
- Give me this.

I want--
- No, those are my bags.

(police siren)

- Give me this.

Is this your father?

- Hi.

I'm here to pick up Owen Maxwell.

- [Guard] Maxwell?

- Yes.

Hey, next time use a glove.

- Next time take it like a man.

- [Owen] Hi.

- Hi.

- Thanks for bailing me out.

- What the hell were you thinking?

- I don't know.

All of the sudden I started
seeing things differently,

kind of like the Matrix
when you think the one way

and actually the whole thing is a fantasy.

- Is jail part of your fantasy?

- Let's go, Neo.

Why are you walking with a limp?

- Nothing.

So now what?

- Fortunately for you the
judge is a friend of mine

so she's not gonna pursue
any disciplinary action

for you or me.

- Just like that?

- Provided I personally
supervise your rehabilitation.

- Now wait, are you saying
you're gonna follow me around?

- Oh do not flatter yourself.

We're going to do the same exercises

just outside of the center.

We have to get you past
whatever crazy sex detox

that you have going on.

So get it together.

- Sounds good.

- Goodnight, Owen.

("I Hate Feeling Like This" by I Low)

(knocking)

- [Trudy] Oh hi.

- Hi.

- You must be Dr. Eileen.

I'm Trudy.

(yawns) I'm sorry, I just woke up.

I must look like a mess.

But you look adorable.

I could just eat you right up, come on in.

- Oh thank you.

Is Owen here?

- [Owen] Be right down!

- Oh hello, Dr. Eileen.

My name is Moe.

- Hi.

- Would you, hi, would
you like to step outside?

I just cleaned the patio furniture.

- Sure, I can wait outside.
- No, wouldn't you like to

stay and sit right in here?

- Right this way, you'll
really like it out there.

- But how about a cup of coffee first?

- Cup of coffee, how
do you like your coffee

like you like your men--

- Coffee--
- Hot and strong.

- [Moe] Little sugar.
- [Trudy] Delicate.

- Owen!
- Let's hit the field.

- Alright come back again, will you?

- Bye, oh.
- Okay, come back.

- Wow.

- They always do that.

- They have really nice manners.

- Why are we here again?

- Oh we need to change your lifestyle.

- Excuse me?

- Your job, your friends,

even your routines are all about sex.

So if we alter your environment,

you know, just change it up a little bit

and then you can move
forward in a healthy way.

Uh this was not the
exhibit from last week.

- So what do you think?

- I think this represents
man's internal confusion.

On one hand, we think we rule the earth,

like we're at the top of
the food chain or something.

But on the other hand, we're still subject

to the chaotic forces of the universe.

It really leaves us no choice at all.

- Yeah, I think you're right.

You took into account the
juxtaposition of colors

with the strong sense the artist has

of non-Euclidean angles.

- I didn't know you
knew anything about art.

- I know enough to get laid.

- Nice.

- It's just a bunch of plants.

- I know, that's the point.

Getting in touch with
nature, it's good for you.

- I had sex once with a woman

who didn't shave her armpits.

Does that count?

- Mmm it's jasmine.

- Honeysuckle.

- What?

- This is not jasmine,
this is honeysuckle.

They smell similar,

but white jasmine only blooms in winter,

therefore this is honeysuckle.

- Honeysuckle?

You sure do know a lot about flowers.

- Oh I know enough to get laid.

- Oh gosh is everything
that you do or think

or say have to do with sex?

- What makes you say that?

- You know, let's just,
let's call it a day.

- [Owen] Okay but let's do
something more fun tomorrow.

- What?

I thought you were enjoying your hoe.

- So how about I choose the next outing.

- Okay.

As long as it has nothing to do with sex.

At all.

- Even better.

(dogs barking)

- You like hanging out in dog parks?

But you don't have a dog.

- Well dog parks are the best
pick-up joints in the city.

It's very entertaining.

- (laughs) Of course.

- Here, right there.

- [Eileen] Yeah?

- That's the old toss
and chat, classic move.

- Oh.

- [Owen] Ooh.

- [Eileen] What, what happened?

- [Owen] He made a humping
joke, that's a no-no.

- You know a lot of dog park etiquette.

- I know enough to get laid.

- Right, there it is.

You should write a book.

All the ways to get laid.

I could see, you know,
how this could be fun

in a warped sort of way.

- What, are you saying you actually can

enjoy the company of a man?

I would qualify that as
a major breakthrough.

- No, no, no, this is not.

I'm enjoying the dog park.

Let's just try an exercise.

No sex talk

for let's just start with
something 60 seconds.

- Do you want to sit?

- Sure, let's sit.
- Let's sit.

- I think if you take this seriously

it's a real opportunity for growth.

- I'm growing just fine on my own.

Thank you very much.

How come this dog is licking
his own balls? (laughs)

- What are you, 12?

- Only mentally.

Almost.

Jump, fade away.

- I just got off the phone with Davenport.

He says you're not returning his calls

and you've gotten next
to nowhere on his case.

I shouldn't have to remind you

he's a very important client.

That's the McCarthy file!

Owen, what the hell are you doing?

- I quit.

That would have gone in!

- So you just left?

- Yep.

- You realize your life is like a novel.

- That reminds me, I have
a question about writing.

- [Jude] Yeah, what is it?

- How do I write?

- I don't know, you just write.

- I wish it was that easy.

But every time I sit in front
of my screen, I go blank.

- You're psyching yourself out.

Look, whenever I get blocked

I have my housekeeper sneak up behind me

and smack me over the head.

- What?

Since when do you have a housekeeper?

- Well it's actually my mom.

But the point is the pain
pulls me out of the funk

that I was in and brings me
back into the real world.

- You're a very disturbed
man, you know that?

- It fuels my art.

- Thanks.

- I gotta say the way you're handling

this whole no sex deal, it's inspiring.

It's got me reflecting on my own life.

I finally think I'm over Marnie.

- Good for you, buddy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, sit down.

Relax.

Breathe.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

- [Otto] Jude, Jude, Jude.

- Over here, no.

Otto, over here.

- Sorry about that, mister.

So we found this Dr. Candi.

Turns out she has a
warrant out for her arrest

for the unauthorized practice of medicine.

- That explains why the
office was abandoned.

- Yes.

She was arrested in Las Vegas

and brought back to California
where she's on parole.

- Okay so how do we find--

- Easy, my friend.

She's fitted with one
of those parole anklets,

which can be kept track of right here.

- But how do you see that?

- That's why I need you.

Let's go, come on.

Come on.

- We're doing this.

Otto, over here.

Turn around, man.

Jesus.

- Bring the weight into the right foot.

Inhale, left knee reaches up.

Arms to the sky.

- This is your left leg,
this is your right leg.

There's something wrong here.

- Left, left.

- Left leg.
- Shh.

- So like I was saying,
I quit just like that.

And you know, I thought I was
going to regret it at first,

but no, it feels great.

I know what I want to do with my life

or at least I know what I want to do next.

I want to write a book.

- And hands together
in front of the heart.

- Isn't that great?

I think it's great.

Are you even listening to me?

- I am trying to do yoga.

- Hey, how can he do that?

- What?

- How can he do that?

- You just wrap it up.

(grunts)

(rumbling)

- Are you, are you okay?

Owen.

Stop.

- What was that all about?

- It was yoga.

It's like stretching and
meditation's good for the soul.

- No, no, don't give me that.

You were trying to make me vomit.

- What?

- Yeah.

(laughs)

- Don't be ridiculous.

(gasps) Do you find me attractive?

- What?

No, no, of course not.

What are you talk, no.

No, I like what we have

and I think I'm making
a lot of progress lately

so please, please.

Don't change the rules on me now.

- I'm not changing the rules.

It was yoga.

- Look, we have to eat.

Let's get some dinner.

- Oh I have groceries at the house.

I was just gonna cook.

- Great, I'll cook for you.

- I did have another bottle.

You know what that means,

you have to tell me the joke now.

- But first, try this.

Careful, it's hot.

- Thank you.

Mmm.

Mmm.

- More basil?

- You know an awful lot about cooking.

- Well I know enough

to get laid.
- To get laid.

Got it.

- So there's this woman who suddenly grabs

her husband in the kitchen

and demands he makes
love to her immediately.

As soon as she's done, she
runs back to the stove.

"Thanks," she says to him.

"My egg timer broke and I needed to know

"when two minutes was up."

It's a bad joke.
(laughter)

I'll do it again.

- No, it's actually kind of funny.

- Is this a real laugh?

- Yes.

- I didn't know you were capable.

- Well I am human.

- Well if you say so.

- So you think I'm a boring,

frigid workaholic, don't you?

- Yeah.

But in a cute way.

- You only know one side of me.

I mean, I'm very serious about my work,

but I have a social life.

- You do?

- Mmhmm.

I am a boring, frigid workaholic.

- At least you don't vomit during sex.

- Yeah but I wasn't always like that.

I was in love once.

- Really?

You were in love?

Come on.

- Do you need more wine?

- [Owen] Yeah, I guess we do.

- Yeah.

So I met this guy in college.

He was like the perfect guy.

My whole life was lining up

exactly the way it's supposed to.

- Why do I feel there
was trouble in paradise?

- 'Cause he didn't want me to work.

- What?

- He made all the decisions.

He even had to approve my wardrobe.

Like I don't know if this woulda passed.

- It's a nice dress.

- Thank you.

I really wanted to marry him.

- What happened?

- He broke up with me.

Yeah, he said that I
was too dependent on him

and that he needed a
more career-minded woman.

That's when I vowed I will
happily be married to my job.

Yeah.

- Wow.

You're messed up.

(birds chirping)

- Oh god.

(yells)

Oh my god.

You seduced me.

- You got me drunk.

- Oh my god, I cannot believe I fell

for your cheesy ass lines

of oh you're doing better

and I helped you get, oh my god.

You are such a pig.

- What about you?

My husband, my love, my
career, me, me, me, me--

- Oh do not blame me.

Oh god.

Oh my god.

This is all your fault.

- My fault?

I didn't do anything.

It doesn't even feel like I had sex.

- Me neither.

- Are you sure?
- Are you sure?

- I don't know, look for evidence.

- Did you vomit?

- No--

- Are you sure you didn't throw up?

- (sniffs) I'm clear.

- There's no vomit.

Okay.

- Check the back.

- What?

- Your back.

- Why?

Oh no,

I would never do that, Owen Maxwell.

- You don't have much
practice with this, do you?

I should go.

- Yeah, you should go.

I mean, I'm still married.

- You're technically still married, yeah.

I'm going.

Look.

I really enjoyed spending time with you.

This whole relationship without sex

has been the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I don't want to go back.

- Oh of course, no.

You absolutely should not go back.

I mean, you've done a really good job.

- Yeah, it's because of you.

Please, can we keep
things the way they are?

- Oh.

I don't think so, Owen.

I'm sorry, I just,

doctor, patient, things could get weird.

I just, you know, I don't think so.

Oh god.

(phone ringing)

(beeping)

- [Davenport] Owen,
this is Louis Davenport.

Now Rhonda told me that you quit the firm

and I know I'm not your client anymore,

but I still need your help.

So if you remember what
I told you about love

then you know how important
it is to keep trying

for my sake and for that of my wife.

- Mr. Maxwell.

What an unpleasant surprise.

Have you come back to
fertilize my other plants?

- Okay, Mrs. Davenport, no more games.

What is it going to take
to get you back together

with your husband.

- I don't see why I should.

Any jury in the country would no doubt

give me half of everything
my husband owns.

What's in it for me, Mr. Maxwell?

- Mrs. Davenport,

your husband loves you very, very much.

He's willing to give up
everything to get you back.

God knows I'm no expert in love.

I vomited on the last woman I slept with.

It's a long story.

What I'm saying is he's
really miserable without you

and for some reason he's
got it into his head

that you give him purpose.

He believes that being with
you makes him complete.

Without you he's just empty.

- That was quite a speech, Mr. Maxwell.

I didn't think you had it in you.

- Well to be honest, neither did I.

- You can tell your
client that I'd be willing

to have a conversation
about the possibility

of reconciliation.

- Thank you, Mrs. Davenport.

- And Mr. Maxwell, don't think
I was fooled for a second.

Not an expert in love?

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

My house?

Okay.

I have to go.

- Stay out of trouble, Mr. Maxwell.

- Oh I will.

What is happening here?

- Dr. Candi was here when we showed up

so Jude jumped her,
wrestled her to the ground,

and brought her here.

- That's right, she was
tough too so I, you know--

- Hey, I did most of the work.

- What about the other one?

- She showed up too so
Moe and I jumped her.

- I don't understand, why
are there two Dr. Candis?

- Yeah that confused me too.

- You were supposed to
find her, not abduct her.

- Oh miscommunication.

I guess we both share that blame.

- What is this in here?

What?

- [Trudy] That's mine.

- [Owen] Are you okay?

- I ring the doorbell and
these lunatics attacked me

and tied me up.

- What were you doing here?

- Part of the terms of my parole

is to apologize to my victims.

- What victims?

- Yeah, you know, for duping my patients

into believing I could
hypnotize their problems away.

- You are saying you do not know

how to hypnotize your clients.

- Oh come on, Dr. Candi with
an I, what do you think?

But addicts are gullible and desperate

and are willing to believe anything.

- But the whole thing, the breathing,

the animals, it felt real.

- It must have been because
you wanted it to work.

No one can trick the
mind against its will.

- You are saying it's all in my mind.

- Yeah, probably.

Which should mean it will
be easy for me to undo.

Could you please untie me?

- Owen.

What is going on?

- Eileen, what are you doing here?

- I'd sent over my assistant hours ago

with the signed divorce papers.

- Your assistant?

(moaning)

- Marnie?

- Marnie.

- Marnie!

Oh, oh Marnie, my little kumquat.

Let me untie you.

- [Eileen] What is going on?

- Are you okay?

- I am now.

- What are you do--

- Your assistant is Jude's Marnie

and Jude's Marnie is your recept--

- Yes, why is she tied up?

And why is she tied up?

- No, no, no, that's a
mistake, that's a mistake.

- I didn't mean for this to happen.

I've been following you for some time now

to see if you've been lying to me.

- I know you have, your
disguises are terrible.

- I know.

- But I told you I wanted
to focus on my job.

- What about the other guy?

- What other guy?

- You know.

- Maybe that was my
roommate and her boyfriend.

- Your roommate?

Your room, it was the roommate.

(laughter)

- So it makes sense, okay.

No, Eileen, Eileen.

This is Dr. Candi.

Dr. Candi, this is Eileen.

Eileen, this is Dr. Candi.

The woman that hypnotized
and made me go crazy,

but she actually saved my life because

she made me realize that
the only thing I want is

to be with you.

- Then maybe you should untie her.

- Oh.

- Oh thank you.

- I'm really sorry about this.

- Not a problem.

- You're not going to
press charges, right?

- Oh god no, I have enough problems

with the police as it is.

- She's on parole.

- So shall we do a
little reverse hypnosis?

Let's say we make it a couples session.

- What?

- Relax honey, I'm a doctor.

You know the drill, so put
your hand on her heart.

You're gonna put your
hand on his heart, okay?

- So exciting.

- Gorgeous.

Close your eyes, relax.

Take a deep breath.

I want you to imagine you're
lying naked on the beach.

The breeze is warm,
the sounds of the waves

match the rise and fall of your breath

and as I count from three

you will release control
of your mind to my voice.

Three,

two,

one.

("Angelina" by Nameless)

- Otto, my friend, you made it.

- Dude, thank you so much.

I really loved your book, thank you.

- How did you, you know, how did you?

- Oh I read it to him.

- Oh that's so sweet.

Let me give you a copy.

There's your signed copy.

- [Otto] Thank you so much.

- Oh, oh, goodbye.

- Guys, hi.

You made it.

You look great.
- This is awesome.

- Yeah, thanks man.

I'm so happy.

- She finally let me out of work early.

- I'm so happy for you.

Hey babe.

- This is a great turnout.
- I missed you.

- Sorry to cut in.

I can't tell you how grateful
I am for everything you did.

It just means so much to
me to have a second chance.

- I'm really glad I could help, really.

- Thank you.

Right, honey?

Oh look, some hors d'oeuvres.

Looks tasty.

- Don't feel bad for me.

Our little arrangement bought me a villa

on the Spanish coast.

So all is fair in love and real estate.

- Obviously.

(laughs)

- I'm not quite sure what to say.

- I say let's dance.

♫ Six feet tall

♫ With curly hair

♫ She looks so smart

♫ With a nice big pair

♫ Are you from Denmark?

♫ Are you straight?

♫ Do you like drama?

♫ We don't care

♫ Embrasse-moi

♫ Please, you should be dancing with me

♫ You got it all

♫ Angelina

♫ Take me for free

♫ You should be dancing with me

♫ You should be touching me

♫ Angelina

♫ Please, you should be dancing with me

♫ You got it all

♫ Angelina

♫ Take me for free

♫ You should be dancing with me

♫ You should be touching me

♫ Angelina

♫ Keep a smile upon your face

♫ It's getting harder to understand

♫ The things she's saying

♫ Make the best moves you can♫

- Marnie.

It's Jude.

Owen, he's...

he's relapsed.

("We Caught Fire" by AM Aesthetic)