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(TEACHER, TEACHER PLAYING)

♪ Young love, teacher's pet

♪ Cheeks flushed, apple red

♪ Ringing you every day

♪ Begging for a word of praise

♪ I've put aside
my foolish games

♪ I run and hide
and call names

♪ School's out,
the bells'll ring

♪ Now's the time to
teach me everything

♪ Teacher, teacher,
teach me love

♪ I can't learn it fast enough

♪ Teacher, teacher,
teach me more

♪ I've got to learn
to love for sure

♪ Lesson one just begun

♪ Growing up ain't much fun

♪ Growing up, out of school

♪ Out of luck and out of rules

♪ No one there to tell me how

♪ A different world,
teacher, teach me now

♪ Teacher, teacher,
teach me love

♪ I can't learn it fast enough

♪ Teacher, teacher,
teach me more

♪ I've got to learn
to love for sure

♪ Teacher, teacher,
teach me love

♪ I can't learn it fast enough

♪ Teacher, teacher,
teach me love... ♪

WALLY: All right, folks.
Can we all settle down for a sec?

I know that you...

SANDY: Hey, you settle down.
WALLY: No.

Come on, everybody,
settle down. Sandy, come on.

So... No, none of that.

This is not a time to make silly jokes.
It's the time for a little bit of talking

before we really get
to the important part.

Here we go. Well, it's been
another great year here at JAMS.

Who can forget
Mr. Pinkus' Haunted Classroom?

Thank you, Sandy, for that.
Yeah, I ain't afraid of no ghost.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Or the wild success of the book
drive for the women's prison,

which Miss Pavicic's class sponsored?
(EXCLAIMING)

Thank you, Beth.
But, as summer draws upon us,

it's time not only to say
goodbye to another school year,

but, sadly, also to say goodbye
to one of our faculty members.

(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)
Yes. Elizabeth?

Is Elizabeth Halsey here?
There she is.

Elizabeth, can you
come on up here?

(APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Yes, that's appropriate,
applause, I think. (LAUGHS)

Elizabeth, even though you were
only with us for one short year,

please know that we will always
consider you part of the JAMS family.

That's sweet.
And we got you a little something.

Ta-da!
Oh!

Thank you.

Wow!

Almost $40.

Thank you.
You're very welcome. Speech.

Okay, well, I'm really terrible at these
types of things, so I'll make it quick.

I know I've only been here a year,
but there's so much I will miss.

My students probably most.

(SOBBING)

And I wish that I had gotten
to know all of you better.

(TEACHERS CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

FEMALE TEACHER:
Happy birthday!

But between four classes and planning
a wedding, my plate was full.

Still, I know our
students are in good hands.

(CAR BEEPING)

And even though I'll never
teach again professionally,

I've realized that I don't need
a blackboard or a classroom

to set an example.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING
COMIN' PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

(ELIZABETH WHOOPING)

ELIZABETH: Adiós, bitches.

Baby doll? I'm home.

In here.

Get yourself hard, 'cause I'm gonna
suck your dick like I'm mad at it.

Oh!

Look, your mom's here.
Hi, Mom. What a fun surprise.

Suitcases. Honey,
are we going on a trip?

Uh, Elizabeth,
we need to talk.

Sure.

I'm starting to think that
maybe we need to take a break.

Forever.
Mom.

Tell her what the accountant said.
Mom.

Steven said that you spent
$16,000 last month.

He thinks you're bad news.

I know women like you.
Damn it, Mom.

I told you I
could handle this.

I just want to ask
her something.

You truly love my son?

I love him so much it hurts.

All right, then.
When is his birthday? Mom.

(SIGHS)

I'm not, you know... That is just offensive
that you would even ask me that.

It's today.

I know. God.

That's why I got you this.

Okay? Honey, happy birthday.

Boston Market?
And I was gonna suck his dick.

So two presents.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, fine.
I'll sign the prenup.

it's over, Elizabeth.

Mark, I'm pregnant.

Bullshit.
No, you're not.

Okay, fine, I'm not
actually pregnant.

You know what,
I'm starting to wonder

whether this has always been
about the money.

You never loved me.
I don't love you?

I have been listening to you whine
about opera for the last year.

Okay. If the younger generation doesn't
get into opera, then guess what?

No more opera.
An art form has died.

If opera goes away,
we're fucked.

I want my ring back.

What am I supposed to do, huh?
Where am I supposed to go?

(SIGHS)

There she is.
Elizabeth Halsey.

(CHEERING)

I am so excited we're gonna be
across-the-hall mates,

but I am so sad it's because
your relationship ended.

Who are you, again?
Amy Squirrel.

Squirrel?
Yeah. You know...

(IMITATING SQUIRREL)

Don't worry, you were kind of
a lone wolf last year

and so busy planning
the wedding.

I found him in bed with somebody else.
Oh, my gosh.

It was another man.
Shut the front door.

Somebody needs a hug.

Somebody doesn't.

Look. I know you kind of skated by last
year, doing the bare-minimum thing,

but I just want to say,
now you're back,

I just know you are gonna
get your teaching on.

(SIGHS)

I thought the teachers were
supposed to get the apples.

Well, I think the students teach me
at least as much as I teach them.

That's just something
I say sometimes.

Stupid.

Hmm...

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sorry. I just wanted to know if
you wanted to grab some lunch.

I'm kind of in the middle
of something, Lynn.

My treat.

You know, Lynn, when
I first started teaching

I thought that I was doing it
for all the right reasons.

Shorter hours, summers off,
no accountability.

I love my summers.
Fresh corn. Mmm.

From now on, my full-time job is finding
a guy who's gonna take care of me.

God, I pray for that.

You know, I spent my entire summer hanging
out at bars near where the Bulls practice.

I had some fun,
got some cool souvenirs,

but those guys are not
looking to settle down.

I mean, they all wear condoms,

then they take the condoms with them.
That's how paranoid they are.

Like it's so easy to get pregnant
from some dude nutting into a condom.

Yeah. Ugh. Yeah.

You're gonna find
someone great. You are.

I've been thinking about it a lot.
I'm like an eight, eight and a half.

But if I got a new
pair of tits, right?

You don't wanna do that.
You're already so pretty.

You have no idea how difficult it is to
compete against these Barbie doll types.

Yeah, that's true.
And we're not getting any younger.

Yeah. Though we
should finish up.

Wally's got that big
orientation in the auditorium.

Yeah, I'm not gonna go to that.
But it's mandatory.

Ooh!

(LAUGHING)

I probably won't go either.

No, I might.

I'll probably go and just sit in the back.
Maybe leave early.

Maybe stay to the end.
Play it by ear, or just stay to the end.

Oh!

I don't know.

Okay, well,
this was fun, huh?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You, me, Aruba, my boat,
this weekend, what do you say?

You think I don't see that
faint tan line on your finger

where your wedding
band usually is?

This is not my
first rodeo, Sarge.

Why don't you introduce me
to your single co-worker?

One o'clock.

Hey, I'm Jason.
Hi.

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) So that's
where I learned to water ski.

I fucking love
Lake Geneva.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) I love your belt!
Who makes it?

We should do something next weekend.
You should take me somewhere.

You don't have
a plane, do you?

Yeah, right. I'm
just a trainee.

A What?
A trainee.

How much more time are we talking here?
Tomorrow's my last day.

Okay.

The second I finish,
I'm going to my boss's office,

and I'm telling that
motherfucker to go fuck himself.

See, I wanna do
something that matters.

I'm going back to school and
becoming an occupational therapist.

I wanna do something
important, just like you.

An occupational therapist?

Do I look like I wanna marry a
fucking occupational therapist?

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)

(GASPS)

(BEEPING STOPS)

Fuck my ass.

(BELL RINGING)

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

AMY: Welcome to Air Seventh
Grade Social Studies.

I'll be your captain,
Miss Squirrel.

Cruising altitude for the year will be
world geography through current events.

We may have
a layover in civics,

so buckle up, 'cause
it's gonna be a crazy ride.

The photographer
was, like, so nice.

He made me feel, like,
really, really comfortable.

I might get flown to Kansas
City for their fashion week.

Kansas City!

Stalk much?

(MOCK COUGHING) Loser.

Hi. I'm Sasha Abernathy.
My mother baked these cookies for you.

Just leave 'em on the desk.

You need something?

Anyone seen Stand and Deliver?
Show of hands.

You kidding me?
Edward James Olmos?

Lou Diamond Phillips?

Wow. All right.

You and you, grab
the TV and roll it up front.

We're watching a movie
on the first day?

I think it's awesome.
You rock.

(GROANS)

These cookies suck.

(STAND AND DELIVER
THEME PLAYING FROM TV)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Would everyone
please try to find a seat?

TRISTAN: Incoming.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

AMY: Garrett, honey?

Elizabeth. Hey. Russell.

Russell Gettis,
gym teacher.

We did bus duty together
last spring. Yeah.

So, I heard about the whole
engagement thing. That blows.

Did you know I walked in
on him trying to fuck his dog?

Peanut butter everywhere.

That's gross.

Anyway... Hey, uh,
might be too soon,

but you wanna, like, grab a
bite or something sometime?

You still a gym teacher?
I am, yeah.

Then no.
(CHUCKLES)

I don't date co-workers.
I won't tell anyone.

I also said no.

Okay, cool. Well,
this has been awesome.

Somebody's got a
case of the sleepies.

What? Did you see the
coleslaw altercation?

Yeah. That one kid hit the
other kid with some coleslaw.

You weren't at the orientation
the other day. Okay.

Boy, Elizabeth, you missed
a boatload of stuff.

Anyways, at the orientation, I suggested
a new system for supervising lunch.

It's a quadrant system.

I tell you what, why don't
you just send me a memo,

and, if I have any
questions, I'll find you.

Oh, ooh!

Yeah. Meant to ask,

did I hear you were showing a movie this
morning on the first day of school?

How do I know
what you heard?

Listen, I don't wanna tell you
how to run your class,

but maybe it might be fun
to try some ice breakers.

Like telephone charades
or the string game.

Are we gonna have
a problem, me and you?

God, no.

If I gave you that impression, well,
I'm so sorry because, actually,

I was really hoping we could be more
than just across-the-hall mates.

I don't know what you heard,
but I don't eat muff pie.

No, of course not.
I don't even know what that is.

I just meant friends.

Tell you what, friend, I've
gotta get going. Cover me.

Elizabeth, lunch doesn't end
for another seven minutes.

Who's gonna watch
your quadrant?

Hi, there. You look
like Losty McLosterson.

I know, right?
Can you tell me where Room 107 is?

I'll do you one better.
I'll take you there.

You don't have to do that.
Oh, stop it. Be my pleasure.

Scott Delacorte.
Elizabeth Halsey.

I'm the new sub.
Welcome, welcome.

Thank you.
Is that a Jaeger-LeCoultre?

Good eye.
Thanks.

I love men's watches.
it's kind of a hobby.

You know, sometimes I get self-conscious
about it, but my grandfather made it, so...

Your grandfather designs watches?
The family business.

Yeah, my mother's maiden name
is LeCoultre.

(BELL RINGING)

Shut up.

So, did you and your
wife just move to town?

I'm not married.
I actually just got out of a relationship.

Catherine. Yeah.

It's been a year and she's still
the wallpaper on my phone.

She has such a big heart.

Looks like enormous.

As you can see, the weight is evenly
distributed and there's minimal scarring.

Dr. Vogel,
best hands in Chicago.

May I? Absolutely.
Take 'em for a spin.

God.

Wow.
Yeah.

These are amazing.

Thank you.

And the nipples.

I know.

I'll take two.

(ALL LAUGHING)

The total is $9,300
for the surgery,

plus one night
stay at our facility.

How would you like to pay?

That's absurd.

I'm a teacher,
not a drug dealer.

We accept all
major credit cards.

Yeah, well, my credit situation
is a little complicated.

I'm sorry, but if you can't pay, then
I can't schedule the appointment.

ELIZABETH:
I just really need some money.

As a matter of fact,
it is about my tits, Dad.

Well, maybe if I had gotten
yours and not Mom's...

Look, I'm not gonna beat
around the bush, Grandma.

I'm dying and I need
money for surgery.

(HISSING)

Really? Nothing!

I'm rooming with a guy
I met on Craigslist.

All I'm asking you
for is $10,000.

You owe me for breaking off the engagement.
You know how humiliating that was?

Okay.

Lover, lover, look,
I don't wanna fight.

It's only $10,000.
It would mean the world to me.

Lover?

Are you there?

Fucking troll!

Did you call my name?
No.

I said, "Fucking troll."
I thought you said "Kirk."

Do you have 10 grand?

Nope.

And, also, I might be a little
short on rent this month.

Like a lot short.

This might help.

You wanna get wasted?
Uh, yeah.

Cool. See you.

MORGAN FREEMAN: We are in a state
of emergency and my word is law.

There 's only one boss in this
place and that's me.

The HNIC.

(BELL RINGING)

All right. We'll pick
this up again tomorrow.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Can I help you?

(MUTTERING)

What?

I'm the student leader
for the trip to Springfield.

Shocker.

We're having our
car wash this weekend.

If you're around,
maybe we could wash your car.

I got some Mexicans that
already do it for nothing.

Well, the Springfield trip's the
best part of seventh grade.

Last year's car
wash raised $6,000.

Woah!

Bringing these
magazines to school

is not the way you're gonna
make friends, Arkady.

Those eighth grade
boys are just using you.

So I go now?

Yes, you go now, but if I see these
again, I'm going to call your parents.

Do you understand?

Go to class.

Hey, hey. Hey.

(WALLY GRUNTING)

Go to class!

Another exciting day
at the principal's office.

Do you have a second?
Uh, yeah.

Oh, you know what,
I wanted to talk to you, too.

Did I hear that right, that you
were showing movies all last week?

Hmm?

Some clips, maybe.

But, you know, in a lot of ways, I
think that movies are the new books.

Uh-huh.

Is this new?

God, I love it.

You know, I've always said that
dolphins are the humans of the sea.

I have a bumper sticker
that says that.

No way.
I'm not kidding.

It's on my car.

Come on.

Hold on a sec.

His name is Simon,

and he lives in the Cayman
Islands with his brother, Ajax.

Wow.

What a great story.

What did you wanna talk about?

I was thinking that I wanna
get more involved.

You know, I don't know,
something like

maybe supervising the
seventh grade car wash.

Uh, you know, Amy has been
running that for like two years.

Yeah, but she does so much already.
It might be nice to give her a little rest.

It's so nice to see you becoming a
real member of the JAMS family.

Just feels so good to help.

(STILL OF THE NIGHT PLAYING)

Holy shit!

All right. Let's do this.

♪ In the still of the night
I hear the wolf howl, honey

♪ Sniffing around to your door

♪ In the still of the night
I feel my heart beating heavy

♪ Telling me I gotta have more

♪ In the shadow of night
I see the full moon rise

♪ Telling me what's in store

♪ My heart start aching
My body start a-shaking and I

♪ Can't take no more

♪ No, no, no... ♪

(SIREN WAILING)
(GRUNTING)

(CAR HONKS)

Hey, Mr. Delacorte. Yes!

Hey, kids. Hey. Hey.

Hey, you better not
take it for a joyride.

Are you sure?
I'm watching you.

(LAUGHS)

Miss Halsey.
Hey.

I'm impressed.
Thanks. I've been working out.

What a turnout.

Oh, yeah, and the kids
are just having a blast.

Well, that's
what it's all about.

God, you know, we should
go get a drink tonight.

I feel like getting drunk.

I mean, not "drunk" drunk.
Strong buzz. Still be able to drive.

I'm sorry.

I can't yet.
I'm just not ready.

But, if you're patient, I think
I might be worth your while.

You're worth the wait.

I think so, too.

(BELL RINGS)

Shish kebabs.

Wally? it's Amy Squirrel.

Amy? What are you...
Get out of here!

This'll just take a sec.

Um, I happened to be pedaling past the
seventh grade car wash this Saturday.

Can we talk about this later?

"Later, we'll all die,"
said the gator to the fly.

What the fuck? What?

Just go.

Now, I don't wanna speak out of school,
but, from where I was sitting,

I think...

It seemed like Miss Halsey was getting
pretty chummy with the money.

Are you accusing Elizabeth of embezzling
from the seventh grade car wash?

Wally, we barely know
anything about her.

Hey, you know what?
They raised almost $7,000,

so whatever she did worked.

Viet Huynh's dad called.

He said the car wash
was a raging success.

And Lauren Rissman's
dad called.

He said we should have
a car wash every weekend.

So instead of accusing her, you might
wanna ask her for some pointers.

Well, if those pointers include wearing
provocative beachwear for money,

I think I'll pass.
This is ridiculous.

This is the one
place in this building

where I'm allowed
to be alone with my thoughts.

I only have this once a day.
If I'm lucky.

Next time you accuse one of
my teachers of stealing,

you better have some
evidence. God damn it.

We are done here.

All righty.

Have a super
awesome day, you two.

(DOOR OPENS)

(LOUD DEFECATING SOUNDS)

Holy fuck, I thought
she was never gonna leave.

(SOUNDS CONTINUES)

How are things
going with Scott?

Jesus Christ, Lynn.
The guy just went through a terrible breakup.

Yeah. What he needs
now more than ever

is a friend.
You know, I think that's really smart.

Build a foundation...
Yeah,

build a foundation and then
after my surgery, pow, we fuck.

I don't know. I think love
should be about...

I gotta go, Lynn.
Here, hold this for me. Okay.

Thanks.

Are we starting
School Ties today?

Okay. Today we're
starting School Ties.

Brendan Fraser plays a Jew.
Classic.

Okay, who has the answer?
Here it is. Good luck.

Here "what" is?

It's the pre-test for the
state standardized test.

It was in the memo.

Ah!

Yes, the memo.

(MOCK FARTING)

Hey, zip it. Zip your shit.

Okay, look. We all know
that these tests are gay.

Hey.

According to this memo,

I'm supposed to give you guys
45 minutes per section.

Bla, bla, bla, bla...

Okay. Clear your desks,
everybody. Pencils out.

Begin.

What's going on with you?

You need a tissue, huh?

She is such a phony.
Yeah, a major phony.

Yeah, but she also
cares a lot, too.

I love how his eyes
sparkle when he smiles.

I wanna sit
on his face.

Hey, guys.
Hey.

Hey. You are just making
a habit out of this,

aren't you?

Actually, Sandy Pinkus
in the math department,

I guess someone slashed his
tires. And his wife's, too.

That is awful.

Lynn, will you go grab me some milk?
What kind of milk do you want?

Skim, whole, 2%, chocolate?

Surprise me.

Okay, I'll get
you skim. No, 2%.

So?
So?

Hola, fellow educators.

(IMITATING EXPLOSIONS)

Is everything okay with Gaby?
She'll be fine.

I told her, "Gaby, if you're
not happy with yourself,

"you can't expect others
to be happy with you.

"It starts with you."

I'm sure she appreciated that.
Yeah.

And it's exactly
what I told Elizabeth

when she told me about
this upcoming fake breast job.

Oh.

Sorry. Sorry, I thought
you were telling everyone.

Did you?
Well, I'm pro choice.

I believe everyone should choose
whatever makes them happiest.

Except abortion, of course.

Of course.
Obviously.

Well, it looks like algebra
is calling. I hate math.

Wish me luck.
(IN MOCK ARAB ACCENT) Hi.

I'm a math terrorist,
with close ties to Aljaybra.

I have weapons of
math instruction.

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

Here, I'll walk you.

Man, everyone is so nice around here.
Of course.

Hey, watch my quadrant.

Here you go, 1%. Surprise.

Hi. My name is Elizabeth
Halsey. Any questions?

Hi. I'm Sasha's mother.

I'm a little concerned at the
importance you're placing on movies.

I was just wondering what your
plans were for the state test.

Listen, the school hired me
because I'm amazing at what I do.

I use movies as
one of my tools,

but I also use a variety of
other multimedia techniques.

Listen, I could take you day-by-day
through my entire syllabus,

but that's just not
how I do things.

So that's my spiel,
as the Jews say.

Please, help yourself to some delicious
snacks and drinks in the back.

Class dismissed.

Excuse me, Miss Halsey?
Hi, I'm Morgan's dad.

Morgan.

Great kid. So precocious.

I just wish Morgan's grades
would reflect it.

If I know Morgan, and I think
I do, Morgan'll get there.

Listen, I'm sure you have a full plate,
along with a rocking hot body,

but if you could just
keep an eye on Morgan,

my wife and I would
really appreciate it.

For supplies and whatever.

For supplies.

You're Chase's parents.
Hi.

You know, a student like Chase

would benefit so much
from some extra attention.

So you think we
should hire a tutor?

You know, I'd be
happy to do it myself,

but it's just so hard with a class
of 20, 25, or 30, or whatever.

To be a teacher.

God, it is so hard on my salary to have to
pay for my own supplies, and my fiancé,

he cheated on
me with his sister.

As her personal tutor, I guarantee
personally that she will get an A,

or your money back.

Well. (CHUCKLES)
Say no more.

(GANGSTA'S PARADISE PLAYING)

Make it out to "cash."

♪ As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death

♪ I take a look at my life and
realize there's not much left

♪ 'Cause I've been blasting
and laughing so long that

♪ Even my mamma thinks
that my mind is gone

♪ But I ain't never crossed
a man that didn't deserve it

♪ Me, be treated like a punk,
you know that's unheard of... ♪

Is that true?

But when I go to my grave,
my head will be high.

There are no victims
in this classroom.

(KIDS CHEERING)

Scott? Scott? Scott?

Amy.
Hi.

Hi.
I got you something.

What?
You didn't have to do that.

It's nothing.
Well, it's my favorite book.

Eat, Pray, Love.

Yeah.

This is my favorite book, too.

What's your favorite part?

Love.

(EXCITED GIGGLE)

(RAINBOW IN THE DARK PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

♪ When there's lightning

♪ You know it always
brings me down... ♪

(GASPS)

(COUGHS)

What do you want?

Is that marijuana?

No, it's medicinal marijuana.
I have a prescription and everything.

But I'm not gonna tell you why, because
it's between me and my doctor.

Oh.

Okay, well, feel better.

Thanks.

My mom and I made you
some holiday cookies.

Are those oatmeal raisin again?
Gingerbread.

Let me see it. Have it.

Watch the bow.

Do you have anything to drink?

Listen, word to the wise,

stop dressing like you're
running for Congress.

I don't wanna run for Congress.
I wanna be president.

See, that's what
I'm talking about.

Keep saying shit like that
and you're gonna get punched.

Do you really wanna be president or
is that something your parents want?

Look, you don't have to decide right now.
You know, who knows?

One day you wake up, you decide
you wanna be a masseuse.

Salary plus tips.
Think about it.

If I think about it,
will I get extra credit?

Hopeless.

All right. I'm high as fuck.
I gotta get outta here. Watch your feet.

(867-5309/JENNY PLAYING)

♪ I tried to call you before
but I lost my nerve

♪ I tried my imagination
but I got disturbed

This is indeed
a winter wonderland.

♪ Jenny, I got your number

♪ I need to make you mine

Wanna go get high?
Yeah.

Give me a nug.
I'll smoke it in my car.

Wow. No.

I meant, do you wanna
get high with me?

♪ Eight, six, seven, five,
three, oh, nine ♪ Nine

BOTH: ♪ Eight, six, seven,
five, three, oh, nine

♪ I got it, got it ♪
♪ I got it ♪

Hey. They don't make songs
like this anymore, right?

You know, that's
actually not true, Scott.

I'm writing a song right now
called 855-824-1777,

extension 777.

So you guys having an awesome time?
Yes.

Oh, my God, I love to dance.
I could dance all night.

Hey, could we go
somewhere and talk?

Totally go for a
talk right now.

What's up?

(GIGGLES)
(SIGHS)

Okay. (EXCLAIMS)

I don't know how to say this.
I'm kind of nervous.

It's all just happening
so quickly.

You can tell me anything, Scott.
You're one of my best friends.

I'm crushing on someone.

I think you're pretty great, too.
Thanks. It's Amy.

(DOOR OPENING)
(KIDS LAUGHING)

No running in the hall!

Kids. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

She's been amazing helping
me deal with my break-up.

Yeah, I don't know
her that well.

I know all the other teachers
really hate her fucking guts,

but I stay above
all that stuff.

Can I be honest with you?

Of course.

It's nothing personal, but I don't
think that you're Amy's type.

Really?
Yeah.

We seem so,
I don't know, simpatico.

How do I put this politely?

She's a lesbian.
She hates cock.

Oh.

She's only using you
for your money.

What?

Well, I feel stupid.

No, Scott. Scott. Look at me.

I'm gonna get my breasts
enlarged in a couple of months,

and when I recover from my surgery,
you and I are gonna go out

and we are gonna find awesome
people for each other.

That sounds nice.

You're out of your mind.

There is no way that LeBron
will ever be Jordan.

Nobody will ever
be Jordan, okay?

Okay, LeBron's a better
rebounder and passer.

Will you let me finish?
Can you let me finish?

Call me when LeBron
has six championships.

Is that your only argument?
It's the only argument I need, Shawn.

Let's get baked...

...goods. We're gonna go get
some baked goods.

You got this?

Just try it. Try it.

Please, don't...
Stop pressuring her.

How does she know she doesn't like
it if she's never tried it before?

You know, we should probably
be getting back.

Just fucking do it.
Weed is awesome.

(WHIMPERING)

Hold it in.
Just blow it out.

Hold it in.
Blow it out.

(LAUGHING)

Okay. Lynn,
I'm gonna take this.

I'm gonna go find
a hot dog.

(GRUNTING)

Shit.

Well, that was deeply unimpressive.
Like you can do better.

Really? You sure you wanna do this?
Yeah.

Gym teacher.

You understand this is what I do?
Yeah, I got it.

Like, for a living?

Mmm-hmm.

All right.

(WHEEZES)

You have no upper-body strength.
Yes, I do.

Just not in my arms or my chest.
But I have cat-like reflexes. Makes up for it.

(GASPS)

(MOUTHING)

(LAUGHING)

So, all this is mine, by the way,
as far as the eye can see.

Really love what you've
done with the place.

Don't know if you noticed the nets, but
those are brand-new nets I had installed.

This is original wood.

See those
championship banners?

When I first came to the
school, they weren't here.

They were over there.

I had them moved over there.

So, Russell...

Mmm-hmm.

...what has to go wrong
in someone's life

for them to end up being a
middle school gym teacher?

Well, granted, it
wasn't the original plan.

As a young boy, I wanted to be a
professor of Physical Education.

At Harvard.

But I don't know.
I like it here.

What went so wrong in your life that
you ended up educating children?

I don't know. Maybe I was a
bad person in another life.

We should, like, go have a
drink sometime. Together.

Like over winter break.
Nah.

Got something brewing.

Can I say something,
for the record?

Fine.

It's about your, the...

The big, fake titties.
Are you really gonna do that?

Uh-huh.

Why would you do that?
Your tits are fine.

I like your tits.
Ask my roommate.

Seriously?

Fuck. Seriously?

Come on!

Seriously?

Hey!

Why are they closed?
It's Christmas.

Whatever.
Hey, you got a lighter?

(HORN HONKING)

Hey, Miss Halsey.
It's me, Garrett, from school.

It's Garrett!
Having a nice Christmas?

Aces. What are you doing
the rest of the day?

You gonna go see your family?

Uh, you know, I'm gonna go see some people.
We're having like a big potluck. So...

Miss Halsey.

Would you like to come
and spend Christmas with us?

ALL: ♪ Fa, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la

♪ Don we now our yuletide carol ♪
♪ Deck the something else ♪

We never remember it.
Every year we forget. What is that?

Listen, I'm really sorry
I have to eat and run.

I gotta head over to
the shelter. So...

Aw!

The shelter?
That's so inspiring.

Yeah. I really love
helping bums.

But you have to wait for
dessert. We have a real treat.

Garrett, why don't you run and
get some of your new poetry?

God. No one wants
to hear it.

Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be shy, Marbles.

This is called "The Chase,"
by Garrett Tiara.

"X-O, X-O
My love for you is X-O, X-O

"About her smile,
that I would walk a mile for

"About her personality, that
makes me see the best in me

"One glance, one dance Because
together, we can achieve balance"

Thank you.

(CHEERING)

I loved it, and I
usually hate poetry.

Oh, Philip.
"Hate" on Christmas?

Sorry, Santa. Sorry, Jesus.

(LAUGHING)

Why don't you two give me
a hand with dessert

and we can let
these two discuss?

Oh, fuck.

So the poem's
about that girl?

Yeah, Chase.

If I could just talk to her
and tell her how I feel,

I know she'd understand.

Listen, it's not gonna
happen, buddy.

I was that hot girl.
Hotter, even.

And I would never have gone out with you.
And I'm not saying that to be mean.

I'm saying that to be helpful.

What do you know?
You don't even know our names.

I'll tell you what I know.

A kid who wears
the same gymnastics sweatshirt

three days a week isn't
getting laid until he's 29.

That's what I know.

This sweatshirt was my dad's.
it's all he left me when he left me.

There's a reason
he didn't pack it.

Just saying.

Welcome to the number one New Year's
Eve party in the entire world.

This is literally the
biggest party on Earth.

Aren't you going out
with the other nurses?

I'm not a nurse.

I thought you were a nurse.

I'm a teacher.

...Lionel Richie, so don't even
think about going anywhere else.

We'll have the Jonas Brothers.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(SCREAMING)

(SLURPING)

Hey. Welcome back.

Bunch of us are going out tonight to
see Period 5 play. Do you wanna come?

Period 5?
Yeah, the teacher band.

(LAUGHS)

I'd rather get
shot in the face.

Hey.
Hey.

So are you guys
coming to the Palace tonight?

My band's gonna do a few songs.
You're in Period 5?

You're looking at the new rhythm
guitarist and backup vocalist.

Should be fun.
Should be amazing.

Lynn, you wanna come?
Yes, yes.

♪ A lullaby. I said...

♪ Everything
gonna be all right

♪ Rockabye, rockabye

♪ Everything gonna
be all right

♪ Rockabye, rockabye

♪ Rockabye

Lot of cute guys.

You should go talk
to someone, Lynn.

I'm fine here. I'm fine.

Come on, Lynn.
You need to loosen up and live a little.

When was the last time
you had a good dicking?

"A good dicking."

Look, go talk to those
guys over there.

LYNN: In the cowboy hats?

Yeah.
What?

Oh, come on.
You come on.

Now, go talk to them.

What am I gonna talk about?

It doesn't matter, Lynn.

Look, you go and you start
with one of them,

then you start talking
to the other one,

and then you go back to the first one
but still be touching the other one,

and then you just choose.
Textbook.

Yeah. From the world's
weirdest textbook.

Let me finish my drink.
Now, Lynn.

In a second.
No, go.

I like it here.

It is really fun over here.

Lynn. Get your ass over
to those cowboys.

Well, I'm glad I wore
my fun underwear.

Okay.

♪ Everything gonna be
all right Rockabye ♪

So, call me crazy, but this might be
the best Period 5 show of all time.

What are you doing
here, anyway?

I thought it was
poetry slam night.

I was gonna get drunk
and mock them.

That sounds fun, actually.

I'll let you know
next time I go.

Not that fun.

Okay.

Just so you know, that shit
does not faze me at all.

I'm like the fucking Terminator, dude.
I'm just gonna keep coming after you.

Just so we're clear.

Good luck with that.

Oh, shit. Check it out.

RUSSELL: I'll be damned.

That shit worked.

Super fast.

(SONG ENDS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Wow. Thank you guys for
coming out. What a turnout.

Right? I just wanna take this opportunity
to thank the guys from Period 5

for letting me join the band,
and also, I...

I have an original song.
it is my first crack at songwriting, so be kind.

Um...

And it goes out to
someone very special.

♪ There was a girl I met
some time ago

♪ Simpatico

♪ She helped me heal
She helped me grow

♪ Simpatico

♪ How do you know when you
know? I guess you just know

♪ Simpatico

♪ Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah,
woah, woah, woah, woah woah, woah

♪ Woah

♪ Simpatico

♪ Exotico, erotico

♪ You're my narcotico

♪ Ask me how much I feel,
I'll say, "A lotico"

♪ There can never in
the world be too much

♪ Before I met you
I was a ship out at sea ♪

Fuck! What, is it me?

No, I... I mean, is there
something wrong with me?

I don't think so. I mean, sometimes,
you talk to people in a...

Thank you.
Forget him.

At least now you can stop
worrying about him

and be the best teacher you
can be. I mean, who knows?

Maybe you'll win the bonus.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Fuck!

What bonus?
For the state test.

Whichever teacher has the
highest-scoring class gets a bonus.

How much?
$5,700.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Son of a bitch!
$5,700?

Yeah.
God damn it, Lynn.

You never tell me anything.
Yeah.

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

Let's go, we have a lot to go over.
Everybody sit down. Come on.

Where's the TV?

Now, everybody, open your To
Kill a Mockingbirds to page one.

Good.

Now who can tell me
why Jem cries

when the hole in the tree
is filled with cement?

Because she's a cry-baby?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Get out.

We're here to learn.

Anybody else have
a problem with that?

Good. Now, who has the answer
to my question?

Nobody's read this book?

It's on the syllabus.

Well, you never
assigned it to us.

Well, now I am.

And we have a quiz tomorrow.

ALL: What?

On the first hundred pages.

(ALL CLAMORING)

You can't do that.
I have band and jazz band tonight.

We haven't had
homework all year.

Things are about to change
around here. Recess is over.

Because birds
symbolize freedom?

Good. Good, okay.

Does anyone have anything to add
to what that girl just said?

So, what are the limitations of
having Scout as the narrator?

You, Chubs.
Because he...

(IMITATING BUZZER)

(GROANS)

Focus. You know
this shit. Come on.

Okay, go.

(IMITATING BUZZER)

(IMITATING BUZZER)

Don't flinch. Seriously.

You and you,
hold his arms down.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Next question. Come on.

Because Atticus is always the
voice of reason and justice?

Correct. Here.

Nothing in the face.

RUSSELL: Woah! Wait.

Miss Halsey. Really?

Wow. I never.

We're in the middle of a lesson.
Wow.

Twilight, look at me.
What did we talk about in class?

Your weight should be evenly distributed.
You gotta throw off the back foot.

Don't throw at her,
throw through her.

ALL: Hit her.

RUSSELL: Nail her.

Hey, what do you think of me
with Jessica Simpson's tits?

Go bigger.

What do you think of me
with Pamela Anderson's tits?

Go bigger.

It's just so funny, 'cause I...
I love raisins, and he hates raisins.

Yin and yang.

You guys are so cute.

So cute.
it's like too cute, almost.

Last weekend,
we went for a drive.

(LAUGHS)

We had no idea where
we were going.

We left the maps at home.

What? No way!

It was fine.
I have a GPS navi system.

(SIGHING) Thank God.

And we discovered
this new Ethiopian restaurant.

They finally got their
own cuisine. Progress.

Hey, Miss Halsey.
Hey.

Your shirt's mis-buttoned.
Her shirt's mis-buttoned.

Thank you, Amy,
for pointing that out.

You're so welcome.

God, I've just been...
Been such a mess this week, you know.

Just working myself
to the bone.

Yeah. It's been
quite a change.

Well, I think it's great.
Yeah, it's great.

I just love people who are so
passionate about what they do.

It's so inspirational.

Thanks.

Yeah, you know, some teachers just
sail by doing that bare-minimum thing?

I don't know,
it's just not me.

It's good to know there's still
some actual educators out there.

What else, Sasha?

I think I've told
you everything.

MALE STAGEHAND: Anyone know
where Daddy Warbucks is?

No more movies in class?

No. We're actually learning.

Hey, did you know that Animal Farm
isn't even really about animals?

Animal Farm? Sasha, that's
not even on the syllabus.

Yeah. I know
you're forgetting something.

You want extra credit
on your diorama or not?

I do, I want it.
Okay, think.

Let me think.

Well, there was...
What?

Never mind.
What?

Well, it was okay.
It was medicinal.

Ah!

And if she claims it's "medicinal", I
would demand to see a prescription.

That's what I would do
if I were you, Wally.

Do you have any proof other than
what one student thought she saw?

Wall, this one student is in line to be
editor of The Daily Musket next year.

She's got a lot to lose
going public with this.

If the Teachers' Union found out
that I was administering a drug test

to a teacher with this little proof, they
would make my life a living hell, Amy.

So we're just gonna
let her walk free?

Huh?

That's it? That's bonkers!

Ame, Amy.

Amy, stop that. Stop it.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sit down.

Amy,

do you see this beautiful,
little, glass dolphin figurine?

Mmm-hmm.
Look at it.

Yep.
Look at it.

I'm looking at it.

Elizabeth gave this to me.

She is a thoughtful young woman, and she
is teaching for all the right reasons.

Wally!

Can't you see she is manipulating
you through the use of dolphins?

No, what I see is that
you are getting worked up.

And what I would hate to see
is for you to get overwhelmed,

like you did in 2008.

Got you. Thanks, Wally,
for bringing that up.

Forgotten all about that.

Don't do that with your mouth.

Regular mouth.

TRISTAN: Atticus Finch
is a good lawyer

because he's a good
person who's a lawyer.

ELIZABETH:
Stupid point. Misspelled.

Is this English?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Pathetic.

This is why the Japs are overtaking us.
And, believe me, I don't mean you.

But we're working
really hard.

You're not working hard
enough. I need results.

Class dismissed.

I need that test.

(ON PHONE)
Hey, it's Elizabeth Halsey.

Unfortunately, I'm not
gonna make it in today.

Tom Sawyer!

My grandmother took a turn for the
worse and it looks like she's dead,

so I'm off to the funeral.
Wish me luck.

Yo, Bitch Tits.

I'm not gonna ask you again, dude.
I need those coupons mailed today.

Consider it already done.

Hi.
Back here. Come on.

This is GHB. You take one
capful before you go to sleep.

And you won't believe the difference
it'll make in your workouts.

You'll look even more amazing.
What are the side effects?

Diarrhea, heart palpitations,
nothing major.

Just don't take it during the day,
you'll be out like a light.

Out like a light.

Hey, Bitch Tits,
you send out those coupons?

I was not told about
any coupons.

Well, I can't wait
to get buff.

How about you send me some JPEGs,
so I can monitor your progress?

You got it, boss.
(CLICKING TONGUE)

FEMALE RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon,
Illinois Standardized Testing.

How may I direct
your call?

ELIZABETH: Hi, my name
is Marjorie Goodman

and I'm calling from
The Chicago Tribune.

Who could I speak to
regarding

the allegations of racial bias
on your standardized tests?

Please hold.

Marjorie?

You must be Carl.

Thank you for meeting me
on such short notice.

Of course. Sure.

Hey. So did you find the place okay?
It was a good drive?

Great drive.

Listen, Carl, I know
that you're a very busy man,

so I'm just gonna
get right down to it.

I've been speaking to
various black citizens

who allege that your tests are biased
towards white people and Orientals.

Okay. Let me tell you
something right away.

A, Orientals test better.

B, every couple of years, we
get these cockamamie charges

coming in from various parts
of the state. Let me...

You should hear the things
that they call me.

Racist, I'm fagatron,
I'm faggy Hitler, dick-breath.

Okay? But I am not a racist.

I voted for Obama.
You can quote me on that in your article.

You know what I think
would help, Carl?

For me to see one
of this year's tests.

Oh. (SCOFFS) Sure, I can get you one easy.
No problem.

Great. Great.

On the day after the
schools administer them,

I will shoot one
right over to you.

I was hoping to see it sooner.
I'm on a bit of a deadline.

So, no, that is absolutely
classified, unless...

Unless you have one of these
bad boys right here.

Wow. You know, Carl?

Enough business for one night.
Don't you think?

Tell me about it. Yeah.

I think I'm gonna have another
drink before I hit the road.

You know, it's like the freedom and
the wind in your hair, and the...

Obviously, the image
that I wanna...

But then the other side is,
like, mopeds are scary, so I...

Count me out. But you seem
like such a wild man, Carl.

Yeah, I mean...

What turns you on, Carl?

Everything.

You wanna know
what turns me on?

Sex in an office.

Getting fucked really hard
against a wooden desk.

Mine's metal.

Even better.

And voilà. So...

This is the desk.

Do you have anything
to drink?

Yes, I do.

Voilá!

Ooh. White wine in
the office. Bad boy.

Do you have any music, Carl?

I have the Internet radio.

I love Internet radio.

You've come to the right
place, because I have that.

See, I am not a whiz
at this computer here.

It's relatively new,
and Grace, who is...

...works with me on Mondays
and Wednesdays, and Thursdays,

and I share her with
Greg across the way.

Greg, across the hall, is actually
the guy who got me into spinning.

Oh, here we go.

Shall we toast?

To new friends.
And new lovers.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm gonna take off my shoes.
Is that okay? Whatever, man.

I'm gonna go hit the ladies' room.
Okay.

There's a handicapped one,
it's way closer.

Use the handicapped one,
it's way closer.

(YAWNING)

(SLURRING) I took off
my shoes.

Oh, Carl.

I wanna fuck you up
against the desk.

I wanna fuck you
against the desk!

Carl, I'm gonna need you
to pass the fuck out.

Marjorie. I am going to
rock your vagina.

(GROANING)

That wine is good.
Marjorie, let's do this.

Fuck me.

(WHIRRING)

Hello, titties.

If anyone has any information
regarding the missing Annie wig,

please let me know ASAP.

Come on, guys.
There's a wig missing.

Because if that
wig isn't found,

you can bet your bottom dollar, the
sun will not come out tomorrow.

Back to you, Wally.
Okay. Thank you, Amy.

I'm sure everybody wants to get
home, so I'm gonna be quick.

Four score and
seven years ago...

(MOCK SNORING)

(LAUGHING)

God damn it, Sandy.
Sandy's so funny.

I have here the results
of the state exam.

And I'm happy to announce that the
John Adams Middle School, that's us,

scored in the top 5%
of the whole state.

(SCREAMING)

Nice.

Good job, guys.

And I wanna single
out one of our own

who showed that
with hard work and dedication,

one teacher can
make a difference.

And this teacher is
now $5,700 richer,

with the highest scores in Cook
County, that's the whole county,

I want everyone to give
a big round of applause

to Elizabeth Halsey.

Well done.
Thank you.

Congratulations, Miss Halsey.

Thanks, dude.

Well, if it isn't
Professor Smartypants.

Don't mess with me.
I'm a lot stronger than I look.

Hey. Elizabeth,
I am so proud of you.

I mean, if someone told me at the
beginning of the year that you...

You would get the bonus,

well, I think I would've said to whomever
it was, "No way. Absolutely not."

And now, here we are.

We should go out and
celebrate. Your treat?

Yeah, unfortunately,
Elizabeth,

Scott and I have to go over the
itinerary for the Springfield trip.

Yeah. We're the chaperones,
we're going together.

We're dating, so it'll
also be romantic.

How fun.
Yeah.

You're not seeing
anyone now, right?

Got my eye on someone,
but he's dating a major cunt.

Pardon my French.

No, no.
She sounds terrible.

Almost done.

Okay, so that's endorsed.

And put the rest on these.

Split it.
All righty.

Book it.

Okay.

Take your seat. Thank you.

Who did this?

Aw!

Come on.

No one wants an extra sticker
on their all-star board?

Who brought you
to me, Mr. Apple?

Ooh. Ah, ah, ah.

What was that, Mr. Apple?

You want me to take a bite?

All righty-roo.

Mmm.

And, Elizabeth, I just want to thank
you again for stepping in today.

You really saved us here.
No problem.

Hey, is Amy gonna be okay?

Yeah, Amy's gonna be fine.

Well, let her know
she's in my thoughts.

ALL:
♪ Hey, Arkady

♪ Someone's calling my name

♪ Hey, Arkady ♪

I dare you. I'm not afraid
of your dares, Rodrigo.

Do it.

That's really dangerous,
Russell.

I'll call you from the hotel.
Bye, Amy.

Yeah, she's sitting
right next to me.

No.
Thanks for calling again.

Amy says hi.
Wow, she sure calls a lot.

So, are you excited
about your surgery?

I've never been more
excited about anything.

It's a pretty inspiring
message to the kids.

We should never stop
working on ourselves.

Like you with your little boobs or
me experimenting with ethnic food.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Gosh. I never lose my keys.

Such a ding-a-ling.

What's wrong with your face?

What is wrong with your face?

Hey, I'm just trying
to make conversation.

You're all done.
Super. Thanks a bunch, Amos.

(GASPS)

I knew it.

Huh.

CARL: Well, that is definitely Marjorie,
only with kind of weird hair here.

In real life, she's
actually very pretty.

She in some kind of trouble?
Marjorie?

I think you're the one who might
be in some kind of trouble.

Did you or did you not give
her a copy of the state test?

(STAMMERING) No, no, no.
Absolutely not.

No, I did give her some
quotes for her article.

What article?

Her article for the Tribune.
She's a reporter there, right?

Test tampering? At JAMS?

This time I have a witness, and, like I
said, Wally, she stole the Annie wig.

We're dealing with
a criminal mastermind.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Wall.
You know how much we all love her.

Okay, well, you Know, I have
to call the superintendent.

We're gonna have to crosscheck
her entire class's scores.

This is a real shit sandwich.

Of course, you know
what scares me the most, Wall?

This is just what
we know, right?

Who knows what else
she's capable of?

It's so awful.

Fruit Roll-Up?

You know, when President
Lincoln abolished slavery,

it was not a popular opinion.

Hmm.

God, I just hate
slavery so, so much.

Slavery's the worst.

If I could go back in time
and undo slavery, I would.

I hate it.

Hey, I'm sorry to
interrupt, guys,

but I couldn't help but
overhear your conversation.

Can I tell you guys
what I hate?

Sharks.

Well, sharks can
tear families apart.

But they're also so majestic.

They are beautiful creatures.

But they're also so ferocious.

So ferocious.

One of nature's
cruel jokes, I guess.

Okay.

Thank you, Elizabeth,
for listening.

Scott, I want you to know you
can talk to me about anything.

(SCOTT MOANING)

Your jeans feel so
good against my jeans.

Totally.

Hey, your body feels so good.

I need some water.

(VIBRATING)

I'm dry-humping
the shit out of you.

Yeah, dry-fuck the fuck
out of me, Scott!

Just stop talking.

I've been fantasizing about this
ever since we got to Springfield.

This?
Oh, yeah.

Me, too.

I'm close.

Don't move.

Here I go.

Almost.

Wait for it.

Really close. Ready?

Yeah.
Just stop talking.

Oh, yeah. Almost there.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

That was great.
More like amazing.

Well, I'm gonna get going.

I don't want the kids to
see me leaving your room.

Yeah.

God.

We are so simpatico.

Maybe next time, we can dry-hump
without our clothes on.

I'm pretty sure I'd like that.
Yeah.

Even your forehead is sexy.
Well, time for bed.

All right, then.

See you in the mañana.

Elizabeth, don't let
the bedbugs bite.

Hey.

Hey.

I was just going over some
stuff for tomorrow.

Yeah, cool.

I'm serious.

Okay.

Cheers.

Hey.

They forgot to restock my mini bar.
How's yours looking?

You know what, I'm super tired.
I'm just gonna hit the sack.

Oh.

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Good night.

And 17.

(EXHALES)

All done.

(PHONE BEEPING)
Shelly?

Oh, Shelly, someone's
got a message.

(SCOTT BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANING)

I'm dry-humping
the shit out of you.

ELIZABETH: Yeah, dry-fuck
the fuck out of me, Scott!

(SCREAM)

(IN DEEP VOICE) I wasn't
always president. Oh, no.

(NORMAL VOICE) I had many jobs
when I lived here in New Salem.

My fav... (DEEP VOICE) My
favorite job was splitting rails,

(NORMAL VOICE) which is why
they called me Railsplitter.

Uh...

Anybody know any of
my other nicknames?

Honest Abe!
Yes.

Obviously. Honest Abe.
That was the big one. Honest Abe.

They always called me that because
I said what was on my mind.

Even if it made me unpopular.

Remember, a great man always has the
courage to say what is in his heart.

Yeah?

I love Chase Rubin-Rossi.

Great.

Who would like to see Mary Todd churn butter?
(DEEPENS VOICE) Churn butter?

I love you, Chase.
I wanna yell it from the mountaintops.

And even though you pretty much
stopped talking to me in fifth grade,

I don't care.

I remember the Chase that wrote me
a card when my dad was overweight

and had to go to the hospital
because of his heart.

And a year later when he left my
mom and moved in with his trainer,

you wrote me another card.
What happened to us?

Remember in the second grade when we
had a sleepover and you wet the bed,

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
and you were so embarrassed?

And you made me promise
never to tell anyone?

Well, I never have
and I never will.

So there it is.
My heart on a sleeve.

Don't let me leave.
No, please, don't.

Always believe.

Gross.

(MOCK COUGHING) Loser.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

Dork.
RUSSELL: Hey. All right, guys.

Come on, settle down.
Okay.

Let's see how Mary Todd's
doing with that butter.

Okay, that's enough.
We get it, you're crying.

She just laughed at me
and called me gross.

Well, yeah, did you hear your speech?
Come on, let's go back.

No. No, I'm not going back.

Come on.
Just leave me alone.

ELIZABETH: Shit.

Garrett.

Get your ass back here.

We done running?

Everything okay in here?

It's okay. I'm his teacher.

Okay. Take your time.

She's never gonna like me, is she?
Are we still on this?

She's my everything.

Okay, here's the deal, man.
I cannot keep sugar-coating this for you.

This girl is never gonna be
interested in you. Never.

You clearly have a rich interior life,
with the poems and the whatever,

but she wants a guy like
Ian what's-his-face.

Ian Mendelbaum, the
rapper? He's an idiot.

Yeah, he's a fucking moron.
But she doesn't care.

She's superficial and her
priorities are all fucked up.

She likes him because
he's hot and popular, dude.

You are sensitive.

Yes, thank you.

It's not a compliment.

Oh.

You have some rough road ahead of you.
Seventh grade is not your moment.

Yeah. Eighth grade
will be better.

Probably not.

I'm thinking college.
That's your window. Be ready.

If I go back out there,
everyone's gonna laugh at me.

Maybe this will help.

What are you doing?

I'm giving you a gift.

Woah!

We are gonna change
the news cycle.

Trust me on this.

I thought it would be heavier.
Don't be weird.

And take this off, and never
fucking wear it again.

What, are you crazy?

Everything okay with Garrett?

No, it's not.

I found him hooking up with an
eighth grader from another school.

She was jerking him off.
Yeah.

I'm gonna give him detention
when we get back.

That's probably a good idea.
Yeah.

Garrett probably made out with a
kid from an all boys' school.

Yeah. And he was
wearing this.

What?
Awesome.

GARRETT: Yep. it's real.
BOY: Let me see it.

That's a nice thing
you did.

I don't know what you're
talking about. Really?

'Cause I couldn't help but notice
that you're not wearing a bra.

And those kids over there
are playing with one.

Lots of people
don't wear bras.

Definitely. Lots of teachers.

Well, if you must know, I was helping
a student through a tough time.

I'm going through such a tough time.
Can I have your panties?

I'm not wearing any.

Amy. What are you doing here?

Scott, talk to the hand.

Amy.
I know everything.

Carl Halabi?
The state test?

The blatant disregard
for the school syllabus?

And let's not forget, the
sleeping with my boyfriend.

Scott, your phone accidentally
called me last night.

I can't believe you'd let her
take advantage of you like that.

You are too trusting.

I am.

I didn't know what
was happening.

I hope you haven't spent
that bonus check or anything,

because you're about
to give it back.

And then some.
Jail time. Jail time.

Did you ever think that maybe...
Save it, doll face.

You can explain it all tomorrow to the
principal and the superintendent,

when you've got your meeting
with the principal

and the superintendent
tomorrow, at the meeting.

Tomorrow.

ELIZABETH: I need you to go to this guy's
office and scare the shit out of him.

Tell me
my mission again.

Hand him the envelope.

I'm gonna need a
couple bucks for gas.

And a couple bucks for snacks.

(THE RIPPER PLAYING)

♪ You're in for a surprise

♪ You're in for a shock

♪ In London town streets

♪ When there's darkness
and fog

♪ When you least expect me

♪ And you turn your... ♪

(GROANS IN PAIN)

Oh, my God.

Sir? Oh, my God,
are you okay?

I think I fucked up my knee.

Okay. Easy, easy does it.

Easy. Easy.
Hey.

Do you need an ambulance?

An ambulance is not necessary.
I just wanna walk it off.

Okay, walking on it's number one
worst thing you could probably do.

(GRUNTING)

Please don't touch my mirror.
Please, sir.

What the fuck?
Who does that?

I'm a friend of Marjorie's.
Yeah.

(CHUCKLING)

A friend of Marjorie's?

Well, then fuck you, man.
Hey!

No, shit, fuck you.
No, fuck you.

Fuck you.
You like that?

Stop kicking it! Stop!

You stop fucking kicking it!
Fuck your scooter, and fuck Marjorie.

She drugged me,
and she stole from me,

and she's going down.
Let me think.

Take it.
Go ahead and open it.

Open it.

Yeah, not bad for a camera phone, huh?
You can keep those, too.

Fuck.

And I was never here,
you hear me?

Fuck.

Don't...
Stop fucking with my car!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

They're ready for you.

"Learning is Fun-tastic."

What'd you say to me?

Your desk.

Yeah. I forgot
that was there.

I'm such a ditz sometimes.

This is very, very bad,
Elizabeth.

Incredibly, very bad,
Elizabeth!

Amy, you said you wouldn't speak.
That doesn't

sound like observing.

Bring him in.

Mr. Halabi. Thank you for your time.
You're most welcome.

I guess I should begin
by saying that my statement

from earlier in the week
was not true.

What part of it,
exactly?

All of it. Pretty much.

I've never seen this
woman before in my life.

Baloney.

You seemed very certain
a couple of days ago.

I did, because...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh...

I am a casual drug user.
That's my thing and everybody knows it.

So that explains me making
absolutely no sense.

Thank you.

You realize that if we find out you're
lying, you're gonna lose your job?

Plus jail time.

Yes, I understand.

I just don't want to see
an innocent teacher get hurt.

Thank you, sir.

I don't want to see
anybody get hurt.

(DOOR OPENS AND OLOSES)

What the hell was that?

So there you go.

I guess that explains
everything.

Retest! Retest! Retest!
Damn it, Squirrel!

I am not going to have a repeat of 2008.
Sit your ass down.

A retest, Don?

Come on, do we really wanna tell our
young people that if they study,

sacrifice, and achieve the
highest scores in the state,

that they're rewarded
with suspicion?

I don't. I find these kinds
of accusations troubling.

And, quite frankly, reckless.

I work my ass off for this school,
and I know I am not perfect.

But show me the
perfect teacher. You can't.

There are even teachers in this
very school who use drugs.

They do. They do use drugs.

They do.
They do.

They do.

Wally, do you remember
how I told you

there are teachers here
who use and abuse drugs?

God damn it.
And I'm hearing about this now?

POLICE OFFICER: What is it, Axel?
Where is it, boy?

No, no, no.
That's my class.

Axel's barking up
the wrong tree there.

Ma'am. Please,
don't touch the dog.

Your dog is mistaken.

POLICE OFFICER:
What do you got, Axel?

AMY: He's not gonna find
anything in here.

It's clean.
Ha! I told you.

Maybe there's a false bottom.

That is not mine.

This isn't even my desk.
it's hers.

Don't worry, Amy.
We'll get you the help you need.

You monster!
Whoa, lady.

Calm down, lady.
Fucking damn it.

What the fuck?
I stole her desk!

You can check my urine.
Check it! Check my urine!

WALLY: Well, it's been another
great year here at JAMS.

With summer around the corner,

it's time to say goodbye not
only to another school year,

but also to one of our own.

Amy Squirrel.

After six short years, Amy is
transferring out of the district.

Speech, speech.
Well...

Uh, Wally, thank you for those
kind words, and thank you all.

My decision that I made myself
to leave was super difficult,

but when the superintendent personally asks
you to work at one of the worst schools

in the state, well,
you say, "Yes."

And, boy, I am looking forward to
bringing my brand of zany energy

to those underprivileged students
at Malcolm X High School.

Thank you.

Hey, Elizabeth. Listen,
since Amy's transferring,

maybe the two of us
can start over.

Hey, there. Scott Delacorte.
And you are?

Leaving.

Elizabeth.

Here.

Sign my yearbook.
Hold my ball sack.

I'm gonna write my number down just in
case you need a lift after the surgery

or just, like, an extra
set of hands to make sure

the implants are
settling properly.

Thanks.

Hey, you're not gonna teach
again next year, are you?

I don't know.
It's the only thing I'm good at.

I'm just saying maybe you should
consider doing something else.

Like, anything else.
Like, any other job in the entire world.

Hmm.

You know, the two of us?
It's never gonna happen.

Clearly.
I mean, how would that even work?

Where do you even live?

In some weird apartment
with some creepy roommate?

No, my creepy roommate moved out,
so now it's just me and the dogs.

How many dogs do you have?
Four.

Four dogs?
Yeah.

Four Dobermans.

Any family money?
Yeah, you bet.

We're talking like three
figures. Almost 700 bucks.

So, basically, if I was gonna go out with
you, I would be making the conscious choice

to be dating a gym teacher who
lives in a shack with four dogs.

I prefer to think of it as two
people with amazing bodies

sharing those bodies
with each other.

Giving each other
the gift of these bodies.

Anyway, actually,
none of this really matters.

I sort of started
seeing somebody.

Oh.

Really? Congratulations.
I didn't realize that, so...

Yeah.
I feel stupid.

So...
I'm just fucking with you.

I guess I deserved
that one.

Yeah, you most certainly did.

I think it's about time you realize
that the whole world doesn't just...

See you around,
gym teacher.

Hey. Let's do that again.

Hey, Elizabeth.

Hey, Lynn.
How was your summer?

It was great.
I went to the zoo almost every weekend.

Wow, that sounds great.

You didn't get
your tits.

Yeah, I thought about it and, you know,
realized I don't even need them.

Plus, they're really
expensive, you know, per tit.

Yeah, and you gotta
get two of 'em.

And I met a guy.
Tell me everything.

Did you find your
Prince Charming?

Something like that.

Hey, you wanna grab lunch later?
Sure, yeah, my treat.

You got it last time.
We'll split it.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Hey. You in the cape.
You're up first, let's go.

(REAL WILD CHILD PLAYING)

♪ Well, I'm just out of school

♪ Like I'm real, real cool

♪ Gotta dance like a fool

♪ Got the message
that I gotta be a wild one

♪ Ooh, yeah, I'm a wild one

♪ Gotta break it loose

♪ Gonna keep 'em moving wild

♪ Gonna keep a-swinging, baby
I'm a real wild child

♪ Yeah

♪ Well, I'm a real wild one

♪ And I like wild fun

♪ In a world gone crazy

♪ Everything seems hazy
I'm a wild one

♪ Ooh, yeah, I'm a wild one

♪ Gotta break it loose

♪ Gonna keep 'em moving wild

♪ Gonna keep a-swinging, baby
I'm a real wild child

♪ Well, I'm just out of school

♪ Like I'm real, real cool

♪ Gotta dance like a fool

♪ Got the message
that I gotta be a wild one

♪ Ooh, yeah, I'm a wild one

♪ Gotta break it loose

♪ Gonna keep 'em moving wild

♪ Gonna keep a-swinging, baby
I'm a real wild child

♪ I'm a wild one

♪ Ooh, yeah, I'm a wild one

♪ Oh, yeah, I'm a wild one

J' Gotta break it loose

♪ Gonna keep 'em moving wild

♪ Gonna keep a-swinging, baby
I'm a real wild child ♪