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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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[♪♪♪]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.
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THANK YOU.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Jeselnik: THANK YOU AND
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WELCOME TO THE JESELNIK
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OFFENSIVE I'M ANTHONY JESELNIK.
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HOW KIDS DOING TONIGHT?
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FANTASTIC.
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WE'VE GOT ANOTHER PERFECT SHOW
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FOUR TONIGHT.
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MY FRIENDS PAT AND OSWALT AND
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NICK KROLL ARE HERE.
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THEY'RE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR
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VOICE WORK AND ONCE YOU SEE THEM
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LATER ON YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
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EXACTLY WHY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Jeselnik: NOW THIS IS CRAZY.
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A WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA ATTACKED
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HER BOYFRIEND AND ASSAULTED HIS
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MOTHER AND SMASHED HIS
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TELEVISION AFTER SHE CAUGHT HIM
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MASTURBATING IN THE SHOWER.
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WHICH COULD SOUND LIKE AN
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OVERREACTION BUT IT WAS A BABY
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SHOWER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Jeselnik: WE'VE ALL DONE
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THAT.
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TASTE THE RAINBOW FOR THE FIRST
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TIME EVER, GAY SOLDIERS AND
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THEIR PARTNERS WILL BE BURIED
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TOGETHER IN ARLINGTON NATIONAL
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CEMETERY.
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BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED YOU
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SHOULD KNOW IT'S WHILE THEIR
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STILL ALIVE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Jeselnik: LAST WEEK, COUNTRY
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SINGER MINDY McCREEDY SHOT HER
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DOG AND THEN HERSELF IN WHAT
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POLICE ARE CALLING A HORRIBLE
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TRAGEDY FOLLOWED BY A SUICIDE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Jeselnik: HERE'S A FUN FACT.
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ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY THE
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LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR
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CHILDREN IN AMERICA IS
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ACCIDENTS.
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COMING IN A CLOSE SECOND,
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EXCELLENTS.
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-- ACCIDENTS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Jeselnik: CLEAN UP ON AISLE 4
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POLICE ARE LOOK FOR A MALE MAN
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WHO'S BEEN THROWING SEMEN TO
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FEMALE SHOPPERS AT WAL-MART.
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ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THEY CAN NOW
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BE 1/16th.
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THEY CAN GET INTO COLLEGE AND
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NOW NEWTOWN SHOOTER, ADAM LANZA
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MAY HAVE BEEN TRYING OUTDO THE
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DEATH TOLL OF BREVIK.
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IT WAS 77-67.
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TALK ABOUT A MASSACRE.
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LET'S GET INTO THIS ONE.
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X-PORN STAR SCARLETT ROUGE HAS
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BEEN ACCUSED OF MURDERING HER
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BOYFRIEND.
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DETECTIVES DON'T HAVE MUCH TO GO
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ON BUT BELIEVE THE NAME OF THE
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FIRST PET WAS SCARLETT AND SHE
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GREW UP ON ROUGE ROAD.
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EVERYBODY BOW DOWN TO THE ROW IN
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GEORGIA A DEATH MATE WITH AN
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I.Q. OF 70 WAS GRANTED A STAY
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AFTER THE JUDGE THOUGHT IT WOULD
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BE IRRESPONSIBLE TO EXECUTE THE
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SMARTEST PERSON IN GEORGIA AND
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FINALLY ALBINO RHINO BEER HAS
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HAS A COMPLAINT FILED AGAINST
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IT.
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THAT WAS A GREAT MONOLOGUE.
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LET'S SEE WHAT THE CRITICS ARE
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SAYING.
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KIDS, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BLACK
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HISTORY MONTH.
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YOU'RE ASKING ME, ANTHONY, WHAT
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CAN YOU POSSIBLY TELL US ABOUT
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BLACK PEOPLE.
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NOTHING.
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I'M GOING TO LET YOU KIDS TELL
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ME WITH OUR VERY FIRST JESELNIK
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OFFENSIVE BLACK NAME SPELLING
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BEE.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Jeselnik: LET'S SEE WHAT OUR
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CONTESTANTS WILL BE PLAYING FOR
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TONIGHT.
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[ CROWD OOHS ]
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>> Jeselnik: BEFORE WE PICKED
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PEOPLE FROM THE AUDIENCE AND
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LET'S HAVE OUR FIRST CONTESTANT
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COME ON UP HERE.
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HOW YOU DOING?
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>> GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?
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>> Jeselnik: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
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>> CASSIE.
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>> Jeselnik: WHAT DO YOU DO.
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>> I'M A SCREEN WRITING STUDENT.
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>> Jeselnik: OH, MY GOD.
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WHAT KIND OF WAITRESS DO YOU
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WANT TO BE?
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>> MAYBE DENNY'S.
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>> Jeselnik: MAYBE DENNY'S?
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>> I AIM LOW TO BE HIGH.
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>> Jeselnik: YEAH, WELL YOU'RE
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TRYING TO BE A SCREEN WRITER SO
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YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT AIMING LOW.
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>> YES, I DO.
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>> Jeselnik: READY, CASSIE.
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HERE'S THE NAME OF AN ACTUAL
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BLACK PERSON AND YOU SPELL IT
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FIRST.
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IT SHOULD BE EASY UNLESS YOUR
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RACIST.
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OKAY.
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CASSIE, YOUR NAME IS QUVENZHANE.
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AS IN THE STAR OF "BEASTS OF THE
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SOUTHERN WILD."
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HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
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>> NO.
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>> Jeselnik: ME EITHER.
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GO AHEAD.
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>> Q-U-V-A-N-Z-A.
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>> Jeselnik: OH, SORRY, CASSIE,
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I WAS LOOKING FOR QUVENZHANE
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WITH THE EGU AT THE END.
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VOYEUR
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SORRY, CASSIE.
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YOU'RE A RACIST PILE OF GARBAGE.
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THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Jeselnik: GOOD, MAN.
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WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
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>> MORGAN.
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>> Jeselnik: GREAT SPORT FOR
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BEING UP HERE.
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WHAT DO YOU DO?
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>> HOST AT A RESTAURANT?
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>> Jeselnik: WHAT RESTAURANT?
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>> SADDLE RANCH ON SUN SET.
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>> Jeselnik: OH, MY GOD HAVE YOU
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EVER HAD TO THROW YOURSELF OUT
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OF SADDLE RANCH?
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>> NO.
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>> Jeselnik: OKAY.
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MORGAN I THINK YOU'LL DO WELL
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WITH THIS.
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YOUR NAME IS DANTE.
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THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS SELECT
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DANTE HIGHTOWER.
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ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU SPELL
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DANTE?
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>> D-O-N-T-A.
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>> Jeselnik: OH, MY GOD.
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D-O-N-T-A
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D-O-N-T-A.
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WOW, NO ONE SAW THAT COMING ARE
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YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?
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>> YEAH.
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>> Jeselnik: OKAY THAT'S WHAT
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HAPPENED.
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IT'S NOT A BLACK THING.
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IT'S A FOOTBALL THING.
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ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
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BRING IT BACK OUT AT THE END FOR
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EXTRA CREDIT.
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GIVE IT UP FOR DONTA.
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HOW YOU DOING?
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WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
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>> MIKA.
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>> Jeselnik: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR
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A LIVING?
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>> STUDYING TO BECOME A RABBI.
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>> Jeselnik: YOU KNOW HOW TO
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SPELL ALL KINDS OF WHACKY
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THINGS.
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>> YEAH, CRAZY THINGS.
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>> Jeselnik: ALL RIGHT, MIKA,
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YOU'RE GOING SPELL THE NAME
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YUSENA.
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AS IN AUTHORITIES IDENTIFIED THE
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SUSPECT AS YUSENA.
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>> Y-E-S-H-A.
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>> Jeselnik: Y-E-S-S-E-H-N-A.
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IT'S HENCE HENNESSEY BACKWARDS.
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THANK YOU, THAT WAS GREAT.
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LET'S BRING MORGAN BACK OUT
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HERE.
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MORGAN IS OUR WINNER.
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HAPPY FEBRUARY.
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I HOPE ALL OUR CONTESTANTS
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LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT SPELLING
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AND THEMSELVES.
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BACK WITH PAT OS OSWALT AND NICK
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KROLL AND MAYBE MINDY.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Jeselnik: WELCOME BACK TO THE
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JESS
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JESELNIK OFFENSIVE.
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HERE'S A VIDEO WE CALL 9-11
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BABIES.
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>> HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.
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HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.
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HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE.
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WHOOSH.
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I'LL FEED YOU IN ABOUT 20
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MINUTES.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Jeselnik: WHO SAYS I CAN'T
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TAKE DIRECTION.
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NOW WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU PANEL,
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MAKE PANELADE.
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POLICE WELCOME CHARLIZE THERON
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AND STARS ON JUSTIFIED THE GREAT
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PAT AND OSWALT.
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YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE LEAGUE ON
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FX AND NOW HIS VERY OWN SHOW ON
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COMEDY CENTRAL, KROLL SHOW, NICK
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KROLL.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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NOW DO I THIS RIGHT, YOU WERE
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NAMED AFTER THE GUY WHO DID THE
240
00:09:13,829 --> 00:09:18,209
VOICE OF RATOUILLE?
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>> I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.
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PAT AND OSWALT IS MY STAGE NAME
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SO IT'S NOT MY ACTUAL REAL NAME.
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>> Jeselnik: WHAT'S YOUR REAL
245
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NAME?
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>> NICHOLAS KROLL.
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>> Jeselnik: NICK, NOT A LOT OF
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PEOPLE KNOW THIS BUT YOU'RE LIKE
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A STRAIGHT-EDGE GUY, NO BOOZE,
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NO DRUGS.
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>> BASICALLY.
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I SMOKE A LITTLE BIT OF POT
253
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CONSTANTLY.
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>> Jeselnik: I STILL CALL THAT
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STRAIGHT EDGE.
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OKAY.
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LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT WITH THE
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BEST-WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.
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OF ALL THE AWFUL NEWS STORIES
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THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE.
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ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, KILL YOUR
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GIRLFRIEND.
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SOUTH AFRICAN SPRINTER AND
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DOUBLE AMPUTEE OSCAR PISTORIUS
265
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:58,739
HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH
266
00:09:58,736 --> 00:10:01,146
PREMEDICATED MURDER AFTER
267
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:03,982
ALLEGEDLY SHOOTING AND CRICKET
268
00:10:03,982 --> 00:10:12,032
BATTING HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DEATH.
269
00:10:12,025 --> 00:10:13,645
>> IS THAT THE SOUTH AFRICAN
270
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,297
NATIONAL ANTHEM?
271
00:10:15,304 --> 00:10:16,624
>> IT COULD BE.
272
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:31,036
>> I THINK THAT'S THE INTERSTICI
273
00:10:31,044 --> 00:10:32,634
INTERSTICIAL STUFF ON LAW AND
274
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,322
ORDER.
275
00:10:33,322 --> 00:10:34,082
>> Jeselnik: LOOK HOW HOT THIS
276
00:10:34,081 --> 00:10:34,941
GIRL USED TO BE.
277
00:10:34,944 --> 00:10:36,914
>> I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SAY
278
00:10:36,912 --> 00:10:39,052
HE COULD MURDER HIS GIRLFRIEND
279
00:10:39,052 --> 00:10:40,362
LIKE JUST ANY ABLE-BODIED
280
00:10:40,363 --> 00:10:44,163
ATHLETE.
281
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,540
>> AND ALSO THE FACT THE CRICKET
282
00:10:47,543 --> 00:10:49,823
BAT -- WHICH, I DON'T KNOW, DID
283
00:10:49,821 --> 00:10:52,271
YOU READ THE POLICE REPORT ABOUT
284
00:10:52,272 --> 00:10:52,822
IT?
285
00:10:52,824 --> 00:10:53,834
>> Jeselnik: COURSE.
286
00:10:53,825 --> 00:10:57,475
>> THE INVESTORS ARE DESCRIBING
287
00:10:57,484 --> 00:11:00,694
THE USE OF THE CRICKET BAT TO
288
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:02,874
KILL THE GIRLFRIEND AS THE MOST
289
00:11:02,869 --> 00:11:04,659
INTERESTING THING EVER DONE WITH
290
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,394
A CRICKET BAD.
291
00:11:05,388 --> 00:11:06,248
>> THAT'S TRUE.
292
00:11:06,251 --> 00:11:08,671
>> Jeselnik: IN HIS DEFENSE, HE
293
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,668
HEARD A GUNSHOT AND HE'S A
294
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,190
SPRINTER.
295
00:11:11,187 --> 00:11:12,737
HE THOUGHT A RACE WAS BEGINNING.
296
00:11:12,741 --> 00:11:15,991
JUST HAPPENS THIS RACE WAS YOU
297
00:11:15,985 --> 00:11:17,775
KNOW ABOUT WHO COULD KILL THEIR
298
00:11:17,780 --> 00:11:18,950
GIRLFRIEND FASTER.
299
00:11:18,954 --> 00:11:21,474
>> I THINK IT'S INTERESTING HE
300
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:24,513
SHOT HER THROUGH A BATHROOM DOOR
301
00:11:24,511 --> 00:11:27,831
WHICH SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IN HIS
302
00:11:27,825 --> 00:11:29,685
DEFENSE WOMEN DO TAKE FOREVER IN
303
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:30,829
THE BATHROOM.
304
00:11:30,828 --> 00:11:34,068
WHO HASN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
305
00:11:34,072 --> 00:11:35,422
>> Jeselnik: I'M SURPRISED HE
306
00:11:35,418 --> 00:11:37,278
ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE
307
00:11:37,282 --> 00:11:38,702
SHE CLEARLY SEEMED LIKE SHE WORE
308
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,248
THE PANTS.
309
00:11:40,251 --> 00:11:41,741
WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK THEY WERE
310
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,075
ARGUING ABOUT AT THE TIME?
311
00:11:43,081 --> 00:11:45,461
>> WELL, LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO
312
00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,293
JUDGE A GUY UNTIL I'VE WALKED A
313
00:11:47,292 --> 00:11:49,262
MILE IN HIS SHOES BUT --
314
00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:51,680
[LAUGHTER]
315
00:11:51,676 --> 00:11:54,916
>> MAYBE LIKE OH, YOU'RE LEGS
316
00:11:54,921 --> 00:11:57,921
TEAR UP OUR SHEETS WHEN WE DO IT
317
00:11:57,924 --> 00:11:58,754
DOGGY STYLE.
318
00:11:58,752 --> 00:11:59,932
JUST THE NORMAL STUFF.
319
00:11:59,926 --> 00:12:01,266
>> I THINK RELATIONSHIPS HAVE
320
00:12:01,272 --> 00:12:03,622
UPS AND DOWNS AND IN HIS DEFENSE
321
00:12:03,619 --> 00:12:04,999
HE NEVER LIKED SHE WAS PROTENT
322
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,730
TO BE A ROBBER AND HIDE IN THE
323
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:08,897
BATHROOM SCREAMING DON'T SHOOT
324
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,180
ME.
325
00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:11,587
>> I BET THEY WERE ARGUING
326
00:12:11,592 --> 00:12:13,492
ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HIS
327
00:12:13,491 --> 00:12:17,811
EXPLOSIVE TEMPER.
328
00:12:17,806 --> 00:12:18,456
[LAUGHTER]
329
00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:19,361
>> Jeselnik: MAYBE THAT HAD
330
00:12:19,359 --> 00:12:20,529
SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.
331
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,052
>> THAT'S A GOOD THING TO PICK A
332
00:12:22,051 --> 00:12:23,091
FIGHT OVER.
333
00:12:23,087 --> 00:12:24,737
>> I DON'T KNOW IF WE SHOULD
334
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,644
KEEP TALKING ABOUT THIS.
335
00:12:26,642 --> 00:12:28,092
I'M NOT SURE IF THIS STORY HAS
336
00:12:28,092 --> 00:12:31,342
LEGS.
337
00:12:31,336 --> 00:12:32,536
>> Jeselnik: BUT DON'T FORGET
338
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:34,624
ALSO THAT ANYONE WHO GOES TO
339
00:12:34,615 --> 00:12:37,305
PRISON IN SOUTH AFRICA
340
00:12:37,308 --> 00:12:38,898
EVENTUALLY GETTO BE PRESIDENT.
341
00:12:38,896 --> 00:12:39,516
[LAUGHTER]
342
00:12:39,517 --> 00:12:40,067
>> THAT'S TRUE.
343
00:12:40,069 --> 00:12:41,519
>> Jeselnik: UP NEXT IS THE
344
00:12:41,519 --> 00:12:43,039
WORSE, WORSE THING OF THE WEEK.
345
00:12:43,038 --> 00:12:44,378
A TERRIBLE STORY JUST LIKE THE
346
00:12:44,384 --> 00:12:47,114
LAST ONE ONLY WORSE.
347
00:12:47,111 --> 00:12:49,461
MIND IF I CUT IN?
348
00:12:49,458 --> 00:12:50,698
DURING A THREESOME BETWEEN TWO
349
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,220
MEN AND A WOMAN, ONE GUY STABBED
350
00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:55,080
THE OTHER GUY OVER REFUSING TO
351
00:12:55,084 --> 00:12:58,124
SWITCH POSITIONS.
352
00:12:58,122 --> 00:13:00,192
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
353
00:13:00,193 --> 00:13:02,573
WHENEVER YOU BRING A KNIFE TO A
354
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:03,784
SWORD FIGHT.
355
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,473
>> WOW.
356
00:13:05,474 --> 00:13:06,164
IT'S WEIRD.
357
00:13:06,164 --> 00:13:08,204
IT'S JUST ODD YOU BRING THE
358
00:13:08,201 --> 00:13:09,621
STORY UP BECAUSE MY SAFE WORD IS
359
00:13:09,616 --> 00:13:11,306
I WILL STAB YOU IF YOU DON'T
360
00:13:11,307 --> 00:13:14,687
SWITCH VAGINAS.
361
00:13:14,690 --> 00:13:17,450
THAT'S ODD SO -- KIND OF HITS
362
00:13:17,451 --> 00:13:18,311
CLOSE TO HOME.
363
00:13:18,314 --> 00:13:19,634
>> Jeselnik: I KNOW THAT IS A
364
00:13:19,626 --> 00:13:20,136
FACT.
365
00:13:20,144 --> 00:13:21,804
>> WHAT I'VE TAKEN AWAY FROM THE
366
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,011
STORY IS THIS LITTLE PRINCESS IS
367
00:13:23,009 --> 00:13:25,489
IS SINGLE.
368
00:13:25,494 --> 00:13:30,574
[LAUGHTER]
369
00:13:30,568 --> 00:13:33,848
>> AND VERY ADVENTUROUS.
370
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:34,807
>> Jeselnik: SOMETIMES YOU HAVE
371
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:38,374
TO JUMP ON IT NO MATTER WHAT.
372
00:13:38,369 --> 00:13:39,649
YOU GUYS SAID SOMETHING
373
00:13:39,646 --> 00:13:40,026
INTERESTING.
374
00:13:40,026 --> 00:13:42,546
I WANT TO YOU DO AN IMPROV GAME
375
00:13:42,545 --> 00:13:44,995
LIKE IMPROV ONLY FUN TO WATCH.
376
00:13:44,996 --> 00:13:47,446
LET'S SAY YOU GUYS ARE IN A
377
00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:50,137
THREE-WAY WITH A GIRL AND PAT
378
00:13:50,139 --> 00:13:51,869
YOU NEED NICK TO SWITCH PLACES
379
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:59,315
WITH YOU AND CONVINCE HIM LIKE A
380
00:13:59,321 --> 00:14:00,431
GENTLEMAN WITHOUT VIOLENCE.
381
00:14:00,425 --> 00:14:01,695
>> WOW, YOU'RE REALLY DIGGING
382
00:14:01,702 --> 00:14:03,292
SOME TUNNELS HERE.
383
00:14:03,290 --> 00:14:04,400
>> GOING GOOD.
384
00:14:04,395 --> 00:14:07,225
>> MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.
385
00:14:07,225 --> 00:14:08,845
>> I'M ALSO LIKE, SHE'S LOOKING
386
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:12,158
VERY HAPPY I THINK IT'S TIME TO
387
00:14:12,161 --> 00:14:14,471
MAYBE -- SHE'S GIVING ME THE
388
00:14:14,474 --> 00:14:15,064
HIGH-FIVE.
389
00:14:15,061 --> 00:14:16,271
>>I DON'T KNOW I THINK I'M GOING
390
00:14:16,269 --> 00:14:19,479
STICK AT IT WHERE I AM.
391
00:14:19,479 --> 00:14:21,759
THIS IS THE HOLE I WANT.
392
00:14:21,757 --> 00:14:25,447
>> YOU PULL OUT AND I THRUST --
393
00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:29,280
>> OOH, YOU'RE GETTING ANGRY.
394
00:14:29,282 --> 00:14:30,492
GOING FULL CHAP NOW.
395
00:14:30,490 --> 00:14:31,180
OH, YEAH.
396
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:32,660
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT
397
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:32,914
NOW.
398
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,116
>> I TALKED ABOUT IT EARLIER.
399
00:14:35,115 --> 00:14:37,315
I JUST -- DUDE, I'M GOING TO
400
00:14:37,324 --> 00:14:38,334
START CRYING.
401
00:14:38,325 --> 00:14:39,835
>> YOU [BLEEP] CRY.
402
00:14:39,844 --> 00:14:40,884
>> Jeselnik: REMEMBER IT'S NOT
403
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,330
THE JOURNEY, IT'S THE PANEL.
404
00:14:43,330 --> 00:14:44,610
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
405
00:14:44,607 --> 00:15:00,827
PANEL.
406
00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:01,520
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
407
00:15:01,521 --> 00:15:03,181
>> Jeselnik: WELCOME BACK.
408
00:15:03,178 --> 00:15:08,598
MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME AND
409
00:15:08,597 --> 00:15:13,947
IT'S P-A-N-E-L AND WE TALK ABOUT
410
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,467
A PRODUCT YOU CAN STEAL AND THE
411
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:18,637
MAKERS OF THE ALCOHOLIC ENERGY
412
00:15:18,641 --> 00:15:22,961
DRINK HAVE AGREED TO GIVE IT A
413
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:27,686
NEW DESCRIPTIVE LABEL.
414
00:15:27,685 --> 00:15:29,335
SOMETHING TO READ IN THE BACK OF
415
00:15:29,342 --> 00:15:30,102
A SQUAD CAR.
416
00:15:30,101 --> 00:15:33,041
>> SORRY, WAIT A MINUTE.
417
00:15:33,035 --> 00:15:34,485
IF I REMEMBER THIS CORRECTLY --
418
00:15:34,485 --> 00:15:35,935
>> Jeselnik: TAKE YOUR TIME.
419
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,935
>> A 23-OUNCE CHANCE IS THE
420
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,179
EQUIVALENT OF FIVE BEERS BUT LET
421
00:15:42,182 --> 00:15:45,362
YOUR SOMALIER TELL YOU THAT.
422
00:15:45,358 --> 00:15:47,738
>> IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE LIKE
423
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,569
PUTTING REGULATIONS ON AND NEXT
424
00:15:49,569 --> 00:15:51,299
THING YOU KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE
425
00:15:51,295 --> 00:15:53,295
AWAY HAND GUNS.
426
00:15:53,297 --> 00:15:55,327
>> I'M GLAD THEY'RE PUTTING
427
00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:57,923
CLEAR MARKINGS ON THEIR CANS
428
00:15:57,922 --> 00:15:59,582
BECAUSE FOUR LOCO DRINKERS ARE
429
00:15:59,579 --> 00:16:00,959
CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THEY PUT IN
430
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,620
THEIR BODIES.
431
00:16:02,616 --> 00:16:05,406
SO IT'S GOOD AND ALSO THERE'S
432
00:16:05,412 --> 00:16:06,662
NOTHING GOING TO WARN THEM
433
00:16:06,655 --> 00:16:07,855
BETTER THAN A LOT OF STUFF TO
434
00:16:07,863 --> 00:16:09,423
READ.
435
00:16:09,416 --> 00:16:11,106
THAT'S REALLY GOING HELP.
436
00:16:11,108 --> 00:16:12,248
>> Jeselnik: BIG READERS.
437
00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:13,207
WHAT DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE ON
438
00:16:13,213 --> 00:16:14,043
THE LABEL?
439
00:16:14,042 --> 00:16:17,392
>> I THINK THE NEW CARTOON
440
00:16:17,390 --> 00:16:18,810
MASCOT WOULD BE A LITTLE
441
00:16:18,805 --> 00:16:20,045
DEFORMED FETUS GOING SEE YOU IN
442
00:16:20,048 --> 00:16:23,908
FOUR MONTHS.
443
00:16:23,913 --> 00:16:24,913
>> Jeselnik: THAT'S GOOD.
444
00:16:24,914 --> 00:16:27,994
I LIKE THAT.
445
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,707
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
446
00:16:28,711 --> 00:16:30,401
>> I THINK SOMETHING LIKE DON'T
447
00:16:30,403 --> 00:16:34,413
DRINK AND DRIVE YOUR DODGE NEON.
448
00:16:34,407 --> 00:16:36,307
>> Jeselnik: THAT'S GOOD.
449
00:16:36,305 --> 00:16:39,825
I THINK WHAT ABOUT LIKE
450
00:16:39,826 --> 00:16:40,996
INCARCERATION FOR DATE RAPE
451
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,480
COULD BE CLOSER THAN IT APPEARS.
452
00:16:42,484 --> 00:16:44,804
>> NICE.
453
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:49,316
HOW ABOUT MAY CAUSE FULL BUSEY.
454
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:51,148
>> Jeselnik: YOU HAVE GOOD
455
00:16:51,148 --> 00:16:51,558
IDEAS.
456
00:16:51,562 --> 00:16:56,432
>> I THINK WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE
457
00:16:56,429 --> 00:17:01,499
FOR LOCO FANS IS THE CAMOUFLAGE
458
00:17:01,503 --> 00:17:04,643
LOOK SO WHEN YOU'RE HUNTING IT'S
459
00:17:04,644 --> 00:17:05,064
SAFE.
460
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,438
>> THEY KNOW FOR LOCO DRINKERS
461
00:17:08,441 --> 00:17:10,891
TEND TO WANDER OFF TO THE WOODS.
462
00:17:10,891 --> 00:17:13,241
>> GENERALLY HUNTING FOR A GED.
463
00:17:13,239 --> 00:17:16,479
[LAUGHTER]
464
00:17:16,483 --> 00:17:17,833
>> Jeselnik: THAT IS GREAT.
465
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,449
>> DID YOU NOTICE IN THEIR
466
00:17:20,453 --> 00:17:22,563
PRODUCT PHOTO ONE OF THE FOUR
467
00:17:22,558 --> 00:17:24,388
LOCOS IS PASSED OUT?
468
00:17:24,388 --> 00:17:26,418
[LAUGHTER]
469
00:17:26,424 --> 00:17:27,364
>> Jeselnik: OKAY.
470
00:17:27,356 --> 00:17:28,496
TIME TO CLOSE THE GARAGE AND
471
00:17:28,495 --> 00:17:30,355
TURN ON THE CAR.
472
00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:34,879
IT'S DEFENDING YOUR TWEET.
473
00:17:34,881 --> 00:17:36,751
YOU TWEETED IT AND I'M GOING
474
00:17:36,745 --> 00:17:38,535
READ IT AND ASK YOU TO DEFEND IT
475
00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:40,340
IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE.
476
00:17:40,335 --> 00:17:41,845
NICK, ON FEBRUARY 18 YOU TWEETED
477
00:17:41,853 --> 00:17:44,723
I WANT TO OPEN A STORE CALLED
478
00:17:44,718 --> 00:17:47,448
HEADPHONE, PRINTER CARTRIDGES
479
00:17:47,445 --> 00:17:51,135
AND ADOBE FILE UPDATER TO BURN
480
00:17:51,139 --> 00:17:52,069
IT TO THE GROUND.
481
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,181
NICK, DEFEND YOUR TWEET.
482
00:17:53,175 --> 00:17:55,555
>> FIRST, I'M A HUGE FAN OF
483
00:17:55,557 --> 00:17:57,107
ARSON.
484
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,180
>> Jeselnik: THAT MAKES SENSE.
485
00:17:58,180 --> 00:18:00,460
>> NO, BUT I MEAN, COME ON.
486
00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:01,558
PRINTER CARTRIDGES.
487
00:18:01,563 --> 00:18:02,083
WHAT'S THE DEAL?
488
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:09,431
[LAUGHTER]
489
00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:12,953
>> Jeselnik: WELL PLAYED, MR.
490
00:18:12,953 --> 00:18:13,543
KROLL.
491
00:18:13,540 --> 00:18:15,370
>> WAS THAT A DEFENSE OR
492
00:18:15,370 --> 00:18:16,100
DEFLECTION.
493
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,815
>> Jeselnik: IT WAS THE DEFENSE
494
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,370
NICK KROLL COULD POSSIBLY HAVE.
495
00:18:19,374 --> 00:18:20,894
>> THE JOKE WAS IN THE BATHROOM.
496
00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:21,962
>> Jeselnik: I THINK A LOT OF
497
00:18:21,962 --> 00:18:24,102
THINGS YOU DO ARE IN THE
498
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:24,763
BATHROOM.
499
00:18:24,758 --> 00:18:29,558
>> WAS THAT A TOILET TWEET?
500
00:18:29,556 --> 00:18:32,076
>> A PISTORIUS TWEET.
501
00:18:32,076 --> 00:18:33,246
>> Jeselnik: I'M GOING HAVE TO
502
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,110
CUT YOU OFF AT THE LEG THERE'S.
503
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,884
MOVING ON TO YOU, JANUARY 13 YOU
504
00:18:37,875 --> 00:18:39,145
TWEETED COULDN'T GET HER TO
505
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,262
ADMIT IT ON HER DEATH BED BUT
506
00:18:41,258 --> 00:18:45,188
I'M 100% CERTAIN MY GRANDMOTHER
507
00:18:45,193 --> 00:18:47,823
YELLED HONKER SCHLEMMER WHENEVER
508
00:18:47,816 --> 00:18:49,536
SHE ORGASMED.
509
00:18:49,542 --> 00:18:50,782
DEFEND YOUR TWEET.
510
00:18:50,784 --> 00:18:53,934
>> YES, IT SEEMS FRIVOLOUS AND
511
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:56,265
FUNNY AND OOH, I'M BEING DIRTY
512
00:18:56,273 --> 00:19:01,043
BUT I'D TAKEN SOME AMBIEN.
513
00:19:01,036 --> 00:19:02,516
>> WELL, THANK YOU FOR
514
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,800
COMMITTING TO THE BIT.
515
00:19:04,798 --> 00:19:06,108
IT'S GREAT.
516
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,490
JUST BE HAPPY YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S
517
00:19:08,492 --> 00:19:09,082
DEAD.
518
00:19:09,078 --> 00:19:11,388
>> IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WHENEVER
519
00:19:11,391 --> 00:19:13,671
YOUR GRANDMOTHER ORGASMED WITH
520
00:19:13,669 --> 00:19:15,119
ME SHE ALWAYS YELLED BROOKSTONE.
521
00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:16,979
[LAUGHTER]
522
00:19:16,983 --> 00:19:18,953
>> Jeselnik: GUYS, THANK YOU SO
523
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:23,470
MUCH FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.
524
00:19:23,472 --> 00:19:25,202
CATCH PATTON LIVE AND NICK ON
525
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,678
THE KROLL SHOW WEDNESDAYS AT
526
00:19:27,683 --> 00:19:29,863
10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
527
00:19:29,858 --> 00:19:31,168
10:30 HERE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.
528
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:47,700
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE SHOW.
529
00:19:47,703 --> 00:19:49,193
>> Jeselnik: THANKS TO NICK
530
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,738
KROLL AND PAT AND OSWALT AND
531
00:19:51,742 --> 00:19:58,302
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND AT
532
00:19:58,300 --> 00:19:59,650
TC.COM/JESELNIK AND FIRST LET'S
533
00:19:59,646 --> 00:20:00,506
LOOK BACK AT THE BEST MOMENTS
534
00:20:00,509 --> 00:20:03,199
FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW.
535
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:03,822
>> HEY?
536
00:20:03,823 --> 00:20:05,483
>> YEAH, ANTHONY.
537
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,550
>> WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT A
538
00:20:07,551 --> 00:20:09,691
BULLY GAY TEEN ON SUICIDE WATCH?
539
00:20:09,691 --> 00:20:12,001
>>I DON'T KNOW, ANTHONY.
540
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:13,183
>> Jeselnik: NO NOOSE IS GOOD
541
00:20:13,177 --> 00:20:13,827
NOOSE.
542
00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:18,533
[LAUGHTER]
543
00:20:18,527 --> 00:20:19,357
HEY, RICK.
544
00:20:19,356 --> 00:20:20,906
>> YEAH, ANTHONY.
545
00:20:20,909 --> 00:20:22,839
>> Jeselnik: WHY DIDN'T
546
00:20:22,842 --> 00:20:26,572
CHRISTINA GET AN APORTION?
547
00:20:26,570 --> 00:20:28,050
TO MAKE A BIG SPLASH AT PROM?
548
00:20:28,054 --> 00:20:29,304
>> LIKE IN THE TOILET?
549
00:20:29,297 --> 00:20:31,227
>> Jeselnik: YOU GOT IT.
550
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,990
THAT'S A LOOK AT THIS SPRING'S
551
00:20:33,991 --> 00:20:35,991
HOTTEST DILDOS.
552
00:20:35,993 --> 00:20:36,893
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
553
00:20:36,890 --> 00:20:37,370
YEAH!
554
00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:46,944
YEAH!
555
00:20:46,935 --> 00:20:49,035
NEVER FORGET, GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.
556
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,250
GO READ A BOOK.
557
00:20:51,250 --> 00:21:05,440
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
558
00:21:05,436 --> 00:21:08,956
>> Jeselnik: IT'S LIKE A FULL
559
00:21:08,957 --> 00:21:09,817
DILDO ROTATION.
560
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:10,270
[LAUGHTER]
561
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:13,649
>> IT'S A TRIPLE-X VERSION OF
562
00:21:13,651 --> 00:21:14,861
INCEPTION.
563
00:21:14,859 --> 00:21:16,099
>> Jeselnik: YEAH.
564
00:21:16,102 --> 00:21:17,932
NO, I THINK IT'S DOING THE
565
00:21:17,931 --> 00:21:18,241
DOUGIE.
33238
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