All language subtitles for Don´t - 1x01_track3_eng

All our lives, people have
been telling us, "Don't."

"Don't curse."

"Don't play in traffic."

"Don't eat gas‐station sushi."

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughs ]

Isn't it time for people
to be rewarded

not for what they do...

This is one million
on the spicy scale.

...but for what they don't do?

Here's that lemonade.
It's still here.

Don't drink!

And shouldn't those rewards
come in the form

of fun challenges

Aaaaah!
with flawed internal logic?

Alright.
If you answered "Yes",

you're both correct

and talking out loud
to your TV. [ Chuckles ]

You're fine. Really.

If these families can do
the thing

that they've always been told
not to do,

they'll take home a frankly
staggering amount of money.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Adam: You guys did it.

And who am I?
The Don't Master.

The antihero in
the Don't Cinematic Universe.

[ Groans ]
Really?

You won't see me.

I'm just a voice,
like the Wizard of Oz.

Very important, but not
physically present

or emotionally invested in
this family's journey at all.

The guy you will see is him.

Man: Adam, we're ready
for you on set.

He's our host, Adam Scott.

Alright, do not look
at the wrong camera.

Thank you.
Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look
at the wrong camera.

Don't look at the wrong camera.
Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look
at the wrong camera.

Don't look at the wrong camera.

Don't look
at the wrong camera.

Hey, everyone.
I'm your host, Adam Scott,

and it's time to play "Don't."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes!

Adam Scott,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're in good hands.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome, everybody.

Tonight, one family
has the chance

to go home with $100,000...

[ Cheers and applause ]

...for simply not doing things,

and I have the chance to go home
with a new best friend.

Let's meet my new best‐friend
candidates.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright, everybody, say hello
to the Riley family.

[ Cheers and applause ]

This is Lisa.

She works as a court reporter
in Staten Island,

but her real passion is
interrupting her husband, David.

David, luckily,
lives for the drama.

He's the straw
that stirs the drink.

He wants to win the money to
take Lisa on a Hawaiian cruise,

along with his sister‐in‐law
Jaime,

a nurse who will always
stick by her sister

and is literally a life‐saver,

just like fireman Giuseppe.

He's David's cousin,
and if they win enough,

he would be the fourth wheel
on a very noisy cruise.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Where are
you guys from?

Brooklyn.
You're from Brooklyn?

Where in Brooklyn?
Bensonhurst.

Man:
Brooklyn! Brooklyn!

Riley Family: Whoo!

We've got a very big fan
of Brooklyn in the audience.
Lisa: Yeah!

He knows a guy who knows
a guy who knows a guy.

There you go.

I got a guy.
He's got a guy, too.

So, you guys
all grew up together?

Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

100%.
Oh, yeah.

Are playing games
around the house

something
you grew up doing?

Always.
Yes.

Yes.
Yes.

Is there anyone here

who tends to excel in...

Thank you.
Me.

I excel.
Okay.

[ Laughter ]
Thank you. Thanks.

Okay. And is it true
that the four of you

walked directly out
of a Martin Scorsese movie

onto this set?
Correct.

Called "DumbFellas."

Oh, okay.
Okay. Great.

"DumbFellas" ‐‐
rated D for Dumb.

Do you have
any questions?

‐No. No. No.
‐No questions?

See, I feel like I would have
so many questions right now.

Okay, are you guys ready
for your first challenge?

‐Yes.
‐Yes.

Alright.

We need to pick someone

who will represent the group
up there ‐‐ a brave soul.

David
sounds good.

David?

Why not? Let's go.
I'll go first. Sure.

Great.
David, you are up.

Let's play
"Don't Get Tired."

♪♪

Adam: This challenge
isn't to avoid sleep,

but to avoid being hit
in the face with a tire.

Four massive tires are placed
on top of four lanes.

Three of you are asked
a quiz question

with four possible answers,

while one of you stands
in the lane of the answer given.

If the answer's right,
the tires drop and miss you,

earning you $5,000.

If the answer's wrong,

the only thing you'll earn
is a face full of rubber.

This game brought to you
by Tirestone,

a fake brand invented
to avoid a lawsuit.

[ Cheers and applause ]

How are you guys
feeling?

Lisa, your husband
is up there.
Not good. Not good.

If you're depending on me
as a lifeline, you're done.

Oh.
Not me.

I think what Lisa is saying ‐‐
you just cannot depend on her.

Right.
So, I think
that's the gist here.

Dependless.
That was in our vows.

Okay.
That's it. Done.

Question number one.

One of tonight's contestants
is a Flat‐Earther.

See if you can guess which one.

What?

Not gonna be Maine.
It's not gonna be Alaska.

I couldn't tell you.
I can't.

Lisa has already given up,
David.

I'm expressing it.

‐Yeah. Yeah.
‐I don't know.

I don't know nothing.

I say Florida.

Florida.
Adam: Okay.

A for Florida.
Lisa: He knows. He knows.

Alright!
Come on! Alright!

David, how are
you feeling?

I'm feeling like I'm gonna get
a face full of rubber.

Well, remember, if
your family answered correctly,

three tires will descend,

but they'll miss you,
and you'll win $5,000.

Oh, my God.
Come on, David!

But if they're wrong, yes,

you're gonna get
a face full of rubber.

Alright, David,
don't get tired.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Gas hisses ]

Jaime: Oh, no!

[ Siren swells ]

[ Groans ]

Aaah!

Aw, that hurt.

If you guessed the Flat‐Earther
was Giuseppe ‐‐

well, everyone guessed
Giuseppe ‐‐

but it's actually Jaime.

It's always the quiet ones.

Okay, the correct answer
is "B" ‐‐ Maine.

Maine is closest to Africa.

Jaime.
‐Go get them, Jaime!

Oh. Jaime.
Jaime girl!

Adam: Alright, let's see if we
can put some money on the board.

Let's do it!
For $5,000, question number two.

Lisa: Come on.

Come on, guys.

I think
he's the 47th.

We don't know.
I'm not confident.

‐I think 44, right?
‐I'll say 44 if he's saying it.

Alright,
we're gonna go with 44.

‐44?
‐Yeah.

Jaime, how do you feel
about this answer? 44.

I feel like
I have no idea.

Money in the bank, J!

For $5,000, "C" ‐‐ 44.

Alright.

Pray for me, guys.

[ Gas hisses ]

Sorry, Jaime.

[ Siren swells ]

Yeah!
Yeah!

[ Screams ]

[ Ding ]

We got numbers on the board,
everybody.

‐You did it! You did it!
‐Okay.

You did it!

Somewhere, a monster truck
is sitting on cinder blocks.

Okay, so, that is $5,000
you guys just won.

Let's go for another $5,000.

Lisa, you are next.

David,
you can save your wife

from getting run over
or ‐‐ or not.

He's not gonna save me.

Better get it right.
I can't go down.

I'm not a graceful faller.

Stop putting that pressure
on me, please.

You have $15,000
that is within your grasp.

Let's give it a shot.
For $5,000...

What?

The difficulty
of these questions

is all over the place.

This isn't good.

I know ampersand
is the "and" symbol.

‐It's like quadrants.
‐You're thinking...

I'm thinking "B."

‐I say we go with "B."
‐I say "B."

We are saying it's "B" ‐‐
quadrone.

They don't know.
They know nothing.

Lisa, you were just saying
they know nothing.

They know nothing.
I'm not confident.

Are youse like 100% sure?

David says the quiet part
out loud in three, two...

Is $5,000 worth seeing you
get hit by a tire?

I mean...

Get out of here.

It's a lateral move,
is what you're saying.

Right. Yeah.

The technical name
for a hashtag ‐‐

we are saying it's "B" ‐‐
quadrone.

So, we need to stand
on "B," Lisa.

Oh, dear Lord. This isn't good.
Stand on "B."

Oh, no.
I'm in a cold sweat.

I'm in a hot sweat.
Come on. Let's go.

Adam: "B" ‐‐ quadrone.
Let's see how we do.

[ Gas hisses ]

[ Screams ]

[ Siren swells ]

[ Screams ]
Ohh!

Come on!

Adam: The technical name
for a hashtag ‐‐

it's actually A ‐‐ octothorpe.

So, you can go to
"octothorpe don't"

and chime in on...

No one's gonna do that.
Okay.

Let's go for another $5,000.
Giuseppe.

[ Cheers and applause ]

‐Yes.
‐GP!

There you go.

You're an old hand at this.

[ House music playing ]

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

David: GP!

[ Air horns blare ]

♪♪

[ Applause, laughter ]

Okay, for another $5,000,

here's question number four.

...what?

...his ex‐girlfriend's house?

A very special "Don't" hello

to our viewers watching from
their ex‐girlfriend's house.

♪♪

I'm gonna say his hospital room.
That's my opinion.

Lisa: Youse is saying
hospital room.

I don't know why I feel like
it's an ex‐girlfriend.

Like, maybe he was depressed.
‐He did cut off his ear

and send it to his girlfriend,
right? His ex‐girlfriend?

Did he? Wow.
That was a serious relationship.

[ Laughter ]
I changed my mind.

I'm gonna say ex‐girlfriend's.

Okay. So, if he does not
get knocked over,

that is another $5,000.

You know what?
I changed my mind.

I'm gonna say hospital room.
Let's just go hospital room.

‐Hospital room.
‐Hospital room!

Hospital room is "B."

Giuseppe, how do you feel
about this answer?

I feel like I'm ready
to catch a beating.

Okay. If it is not hospital
room, you know what happens.

Giuseppe, don't get tired.

[ Gas hisses ]
Aah!

"B"!

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Air horns blare ]

[ Screaming ]

Congrats to the Riley family.

You have flattened yourselves
into America's hearts,

managing to earn $10,000
along the way.

[ Screaming ]
Pew, pew, pew!
Pew, pew, pew, pew!

Pew, pew, pew, pew,
pew, pew, pew, pew!

Nothing to sneeze at!
Nothing to sneeze at!

Let's see what is up next
for the Rileys.

Wow.

On tonight's very special
episode of "Don't"...

Say no.

...David gets in trouble

when he takes food
from a stranger...

Shut the [bleep] up.

...Lisa realizes her words
can hurt people...

[ Whimpers ]
...Giuseppe learns

a valuable lesson
about bullying,

and Jaime ‐‐
Jaime teaches everyone

what bringing a smile every day

can do for the world.

Man:
Alright, we're back from break.
I need Adam to the stage.

Can I hear
that one again?

[ "Wheel of Fortune"
bell chimes ]

No, it's too nostalgic.

Right.

Try that.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

Let me hear
that one again.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

It's perfect.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Riley family, you are going home
so far with $10,000.

Yeah!
[ Dramatic music sting ]

What the hell was that?

[ Cheers and applause ]

10,000 big ones.

Good for us.

Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry, everybody.

When I say "big ones,"
I'm referring to dollars.

[ Chuckles ]

So, as much as fun as I had
watching those tires

take you guys out,
I really do feel bad.

So, for this next game,
I'm just gonna go ahead ‐‐

I'm just gonna give you
$20,000.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

"Don't" ‐‐ the show
where rules don't matter.

But the catch is that in order
to keep the $20,000,

all you have to...don't

is the one thing
the average person does

like 14,000 times a day.

Eat.
Any guesses about ‐‐

Eat.
Eat. 14,000?

Who are you to judge?
You don't know.

Fine. No.
That makes sense.

Blink?
It is blink.

Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah!

‐Knew it all along!
‐Knew why I brought you here!

You got that right.
You were very happy about it.

Yeah.
And you did
a little male ritual.

‐Yeah.
‐He's my cheerleader.

That was terrific.
Let's play "Don't Blink."

Adam: Blinking ‐‐ you do it
all day without thinking,

but the challenge
for this game

is to not do it at all
for a whole 60 seconds,

or, the technical term,
one minute.

You'll start this game
with a whopping $20,000,

but if you shut your eyes,
it'll cost you $500 every time.

"Don't Blink."

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Sorry.

Over there, we have something
called the Don't Push Button.

It's a special feature that
will appear in every show.

And before you run over there
and just start pushing it,

let's hear a little bit about
the Don't Push Button.

[ Angelic music playing ]

The Don't Push Button

comes from a family
of Don't Push Buttons.

His father was
a world‐renowned heart surgeon.

Despite
his family's objections,

the Don't Push Button pursued
his dreams

of Hollywood stardom.

He auditioned and struggled
for years,

until finally landing
this incredible role.

But every show, he leaves
a seat open

for his dear old dad,
always hoping to look up

and see him there,

watching, proud.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, I hope that seat
gets filled tonight.

It's fascinating stuff.

Okay, so, just to be sure,

if you do push the button and
you finish the game perfectly,

it doubles
your winnings.

Oh, dear Lord.

This is the section
that cheers for anything.

But if you push
the button

and you don't finish
the game perfectly,

whatever it is you win during
that game are cut in half.

I don't know.

‐Alright?
‐Whoa.

Are you guys big blinkers?

I like keeping
my eyes moist. Sure.

You like keeping them moist?
I do, too.

We have that in common.
Yeah.

So, do you want to push
the Don't Push Button

for "Don't Blink"?

‐Can we talk about it?
‐Yeah, go ahead.

Youse decide.
Youse do it. I can't.

"Youse" is vernacular,

indigenous to the region
of Staten Island, New York.

I think we should
probably hold off

to maybe see if
something easier comes along.

I think we're not gonna
push it this round.

We are not pushing
the Don't Push Button right now,

so let's get in our last blinks,
Riley family,

and take your places,
everybody.

Here we go.

Three, two, one,

don't blink.

[ Survivor's "Eye
of the Tiger" plays ]

That's right.

"Eye of the Tiger."

You see
what we did there?

Adam: That's a blink.
That's a round‐trip flight

to Hawaii or anywhere
of your choosing,

but gone.

Okay, Jaime's
not blinked yet.

I think she's got some sort

of blinking superpowers
or something.

♪♪

[ Whimpers ]

Mildly concerned by the noise
Giuseppe just made.

You're down
to $17,500.

Come on.

Guys,
I just blinked,

and honestly,
it feels great.

You're down to $16,000.

Come on.
Where's the clock?

David: Fix that clock.

♪ It's the eye
of the tiger ♪

Wow. Jaime has still
not blinked.

I hope
she's still breathing.

Should we check?

♪ ...challenge
of our rival ♪

♪ And the last known
survivor... ♪

David is
doing pretty well.

10 seconds to go.

Seven, six...

All: Five,
four, three, two, one.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Not a one.
Not a one.

Cute points to David for
rubbing his eyes like a baby.

‐I did horrible.
‐Great job, guys.

You only blinked 15 times
in one minute,

between the four of you...
‐Not bad!

...earning you $12,500
for that round...
Not bad!

...and a total of $22,500.

[ Dramatic music sting ]

Holy cannoli.

Okay, now that we've got
all that straight,

let's play another game
that could bring you

one step closer to don't‐ing
your way to six figures.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You guys are foodies, right?
You're big eaters.

Says who?
Who told you that?

No, I'm kidding.
Yeah.

I‐I read it somewhere.

Absolutely.
Big Italian family.
What do you think?

Who's, like,
the spicy food lover?

Not lover,
but I can handle it.

Well, that is about
to come in handy

because it's time to play
"Don't Drink."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Adam: Everybody eats,
everybody drinks,

and everybody poops,

but in this game, the object
is to eat but not drink,

and also, don't poop.

One of you will be offered

some of the hottest foods
on the planet

while walking on
a treadmill under a heat lamp.

A series of refreshing drinks
are offered

to put out the fire.

Each time you don't drink,
you'll win $4,000.

Complete the challenge
without drinking anything,

and you'll win 20 grand.

"Don't Drink."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright, guys, because you
didn't use it in the last round,

you have the opportunity to hit
the Don't Push Button.

It's a risk because if you don't
play the game perfectly,

your earnings will be
cut in half.

Whoa!

But if you do complete
the challenge,

that could double the bank
on just this game to $40,000.

Yeah, baby!
Whoo!

If we're being honest,
it's much lower after taxes.

What do you guys think?
Should I do it?

‐Yeah.
‐Should he do it?

What's the reading
on the Peer Pressure Meter?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Push the button!
Let's do it!
Here she goes.

We're actually pushing
the button, guys.

[ Screams ]

Okay.

They did it.

Go hard or go home!

It's a moment of triumph
for the Rileys,

but a moment of quiet tragedy
for the Don't Push Button.

Alas, his father was not here

to see his Hollywood debut.

[ Audience "awws" ]

Now, remember,
you could win $40,000

or what you do win
will be cut in half.

Don't want to think
like that, Adam.

Okay. Alright.
Listen, I have to say it.

I understand.

He does have to say it.
Legally.

Okay, David,
are you ready?

Yes, sir.

Don't drink.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, so, I've got this
piece of pizza here,

and it has a jalapeño pepper
on top of it.

Adam Scott ‐‐
terrible at toppings.

This jalapeño pepper has
what's called a Scoville rating

of 5,000
on the spicy scale.

Have you ever had
one of these?

I've not. No.

Have you ever been
on a treadmill before?

[ Laughter ]

Uh...it's been a while.

Why don't you take
that pepper there?

And you eat
the whole thing...

Lisa: Down it
in one bite, David.

...you've got yourself
$4,000.

It's gonna be a minute
of your life of suffering.

Says the person
doing absolutely nothing.

[ Crunch ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Are you feeling the spice?
Are you actually feeling it?

No. It's like a walk in the p‐‐
Yeah, I'm feeling the spice.

It hurts.
Alright.

Remember, you have to eat
the whole jalapeño.

Okay. Don't think of what you're
eating. Just concentrate.

[ Crunch ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Swallow, don't chew.
Swallow, don't chew.

"I told you this would help
get your mind off Jeremy."

Swallow, don't chew.
So far, so good.

Okay, David, that's only the
first part of the challenge.

Oh, my God.

David was devastated.

He thought he had won
by eating

and not drinking the jalapeño.

Now that you've
finished that...

Put that away!
Look at the floor!

...there is an ice‐cold glass
of water.

Don't look at it.

It'll lessen the pain,
but to win $4,000,

you have to not drink it.

Will you drink
the water?

No water.

That's $4,000.

Yeah!
Go, go!

David, four more!
You got this, David. Four more.

Okay, you passed
the first test.

Now let's see
the next item.

Now, this...

is a beautiful...

What is that?

...bouquet
of Thai peppers.

Fun fact ‐‐ in Thailand,
they're just called peppers.

These guys are 100,000
on the spicy scale.

I'd like you to eat two
of these bad boys.

Green.
Jaime:
Same time, Dave.

At the same time, David.

Swallow!
Swallow!
Don't chew!

[ Audience cheering ]

Are you going
to eat the chilies?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, David!
You got it!

Swallow it,
don't chew it!

$40,000!
Yeah!

Oh, David, your eyes
look like they're getting

a little watery.

Are you okay?

I'm overwhelmed by being
this close to you.

Okay. I get it.

[ Laughter, applause ]

Here we have a nice,
cold glass of lemonade.

There's nothing like it.

♪♪

Now, how about this heat lamp
behind you, David?

Are you feeling that?

What heat lamp?
Yeah, exactly.

See? That's the right attitude,
but it is pretty hot.

[ Bird shrieks ]

[ Ding! ]

And you are starting to sweat
on the back of your neck.

A little bit.

What would you say
is more difficult ‐‐

the pepper or the treadmill
at this point?

They're both working against me,
Adam, to be perfectly honest.

♪♪

When we come back,
defiance...

No!

...anger...

Get the [bleep]
out of here.

...and milk.

You know, we're the only
animals that do this.

We drink another species' milk.

It's really, really gross
when you think about it.

Adam:
Before the break, David ate two
very hot Thai chili peppers...

Go! Go! Go!

...and I offered him a solution
to take away the pain.

Here, we have a nice,
cold glass of lemonade.

There's nothing like it.

Adam:
But if David takes a sip,

it will also take away
most of his winnings.

No, no, no, no!

Will David drink the lemonade?

No. Say no.

Will Lisa
keep yelling at David?

Yeah! Yeah! Get 'em, David!
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!

Will I stop asking questions
and just let the game continue?

♪♪

Yeah.

Here's that lemonade.
Say no.

[ Coughs ]

You got this, David.
40‐[bleep]‐thousand dollars.

You got this [bleep]

♪♪

I need the 40 grand
more than you do.

No lemonade.
No lemonade.

No way!

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!

That's another $4,000,
by the way,

that you just earned.

I'll take it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Guys, one
of my favorite holidays

has always been
Cinco de Mayo.

[ Coughs ]
Oh, [bleep]

Cinco de Mayo happens every
year around the 5th of May.

So, there's nothing
that I love more

on Cinco de Mayo than
a little chips and guac.

That's not
regular guac, is it?

You know what?

This is pure wasabi.

[ Audience groans ]

Come on!

Pure wasabi

is about twice the intensity
of a Thai pepper.

Lisa:
You got it! David! Go! Go!

The whole thing?

The whole thing.
David! David!

[Bleep]
David! David!

Come on! $40,000!
40,000, baby!

Adam secretly hopes
that this is the one

that will make David vomit.

♪♪

Giuseppe:
Yeah! Attaboy!

Attaboy!

Yeah, Dave!
Pull the drink now!

[ Coughs ]

Here's that lemonade.
It's still here.

No!
That's dirty water!

No! Go!

Dirty water!

The Riley family has never
tasted actual lemonade,

as they mistakenly believe it
to be dirty water.

Adam: Are you gonna drink
the lemonade?

Oh, man.

♪♪

No, I don't want it!

Four more thousand dollars
there.

Yeah, Davey!
Whoo!

You now are up to $12,000
so far on just this challenge.

Now, Jaime, Lisa, Giuseppe,
before we go on,

I've got a side challenge
for you.

I have a little wasabi on chips,
one for each of you.

I Don't‐You‐Dare you
to eat these.

Don't You Dare.

[ Bird shrieks ]

I'm gonna throw another
$5,000 into the pot.

I can't do it.

Oh, come on.
Bro, it's nothing.

The last time David said "Bro,
it's nothing" to Giuseppe,

they both ended up handcuffed
in a Dunkin' Donuts.

So...

Bring it on!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Swallow it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's what family's all about!

That's what
family's all about!

How does that feel,
you guys?

Holy [bleep]

You guys nailed it,
so 5,000 more dollars.

Yeah, baby!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now back
to the main challenge.

Just two more insanely hot
dishes to win the $40,000.

Okay, there's nothing more
delicious for dessert

than a crispy,
cinnamon‐y churro.

But this one's
extra special

because it has
a habanero pepper

attached to the top
of it.

The habanero is
about 100 times hotter

than the jalapeño
you ate earlier.

Just leave me
the churro.

So, you're getting the churro,
I'm getting the pepper?

Yes.
Okay.

♪♪

Come on, David!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Giuseppe:
Yeah! Eat it up!

Now, as you know, that's only
the first part of the challenge.

That's one of my favorites
there ‐‐ milk. I love milk.

Milk ‐‐
it does a body...fat.

Now, in milk, there is
a protein called casein.

It binds with a protein in
the pepper called capsaicin,

and that is what relieves
the spicy sensation

you're feeling
right now.

Check out
Adam Scott's TED Talk ‐‐

"Ow! My Mouth ‐‐
Why Does it Hurt?"

So, I'll just put this here.
It's ice‐cold, too.

It's delicious.
Lisa: No. Say no.

♪♪

No more. No! No! No!

No!

[ Cheers and applause ]

That is
4,000 more dollars,

for a total of $16,000.

[ Cheers and applause ]

One more!

One more!

One more!

You got one shot!
One more!

This is not for show.
I can't even touch it.

This is something called
the ghost pepper.

You may have seen
the YouTube videos.

♪♪

Oh [bleep]

Aaaah!

Aaaaah!

This is one million....

[ Audience groans ]

...on the spicy scale.

You need to eat
this pepper.

If you fail,

your winnings for this game
will be cut in half.

Are you going to eat
the ghost pepper?

Come on, David!
Stay strong!
40,000!

40,000, right there!

Stay strong, baby!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Gags ]

Stay strong, baby!
That's it!

[ Coughs ]

Did you
swallow that, David?

Okay.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Go, go, go, go, go!

Now, for the final part of
the challenge, for $40,000.

Nooo!
Don't drink! Don't drink!

Can David resist
the cow water?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Stay strong!
Concentrate!
Don't drink!

♪♪

Pass.

Pass!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You did it!

You did it!

David, you just won
your family $40,000.

When we add that to the $5,000
from the "Don't You Dare"

and your winnings
from the previous rounds,

you're now up to
$67,500.

Great job, Rileys.

For the sake
of the Riley family,

don't touch that remote.

Adam Scott recently told
Americans

"Don't touch that remote."

[ Distorted ]
...don't touch that remote.

Harmless instruction
to keep you

from tuning into another
program, right?

Wrong.

Did you know that
an average TV remote

carries as much bacteria
as a gas station toilet seat?

[ Toilet flushes ]

So, the next time you think
about changing the channel

while watching "Don't,"
don't,

unless you like touching
toilet seats.

Brought to by the Commercials
Conservation Corps.

Welcome back to "Don't."

I'm here
with the Riley family,

who is going home so far
with $67,500.

Yeah!

[ Dramatic music sting ]

So, Lisa, you're
a court stenographer?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, and you have a really
interesting greeting

every morning for all
the lawyers in the courtroom?

I don't have a filter,

so I don't even realize that
I'm saying it sometimes.

So, you say what I say.
David, what does she say?

I went to pick her up
at work once,

and there was a bunch
of lawyers, very serious guys,

and then she said,
"What's up, bitches?"

[ Laughter ]
Nice.

Adam: Wow.

That kind of behavior may fly

in every single courtroom
in the United States,

but it will not fly
in our next game ‐‐

"Don't Use
Fowl Language."

Adam: This is the game we play

when ABC lawyers won't let us
say [bleep]

One by one, you'll identify
a celebrity from a photo.

If you spot that the celebrity's
name is bird‐related,

you'll press the giant egg
and win $2,500.

If it's not bird related,

don't press the egg
and you'll win $1,000.

Get any of that wrong,
it's a giant goose egg.

"Don't Use Fowl Language."

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's very important
to remember,

if the celebrity shares a name
with a type of bird,

you must hit
the egg‐shaped button

before you say the name
out loud.

Okay, you'll each get
two turns in the game,

and, Lisa,
you're gonna go first.

Don't Use Fowl Language.
Here is your first celebrity.

It's a handsome fella
up there.

Giuseppe:
Good looking guy.

Who is he,
and is he a bird?

Lisa:
I think I know who it is,

but maybe you should
give me a little ‐‐

just to make sure
I'm 100% positive.

"Place Beyond the Pines."

"Place Beyond the Pines"?
Yes.

What are you
talking about?

We just watched it
not too long ago.

I wasn't paying attention.
Okay.

[ Laughter ]

"Notebook."

Yes. That's it.
Ryan Gosling.

Adam:
That is Ryan Gosling,

and Ryan Gosling
is a bird.

[ Cheers and applause ]
$2,500.

David.

My man's money.

Your man is money?

‐My man's money.
‐Go ahead.

Alright.
Well, let's find out.
Put it in the bank.

Can you name her,
and is she a bird?

♪♪

No bird.
No bird.

Katy Perry.

You're correct.

That's $1,000.
‐Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby!

Jaime, you are up.

Let's see who
the next celebrity is.

Whoa. Who's that guy?

‐Yes. Jaime. Jaime.
‐I know.

I know who he is.
I can't think of the name.

Oh. Cousin Joey. Not the name,
but it sounds familiar.

Digging into the family tree
for hints.

‐It's my nickname?
‐Yes.

And I know the next one.

Means nothing
to the rest of us.

It's a bird.
Okay.

Jay Leno.

Yeah.
Jay Leno is a bird.

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah. $2,500.

Giuseppe,
you are up.

Next celebrity, please.

Oh, yeah.
We know what it is.

He is, right?
‐Of course.

Russell Crowe is a bird.

You got it. $2,500.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bah, bah, bah,
bah, bah, bah, bah!

This segment is brought to you
by finger guns.

Finger guns ‐‐
safe, fun, finger guns.

Back to you, Lisa.

‐Okay.
‐Next celebrity, please.

♪♪

‐I know exactly who it is.
‐No bird.

‐Just say the name?
‐Mm‐hmm.

Meghan Markle?

That is Meghan Markle, and
Meghan Markle is not a bird.

You just won $1,000.

Yeah!

Good for me! Good for me!

Next celebrity, please.

[ Ding ]

David, who's that guy?

‐Yes.
‐Yes.

‐Rockin'...
‐Yes.

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐Yes.

Robin Thicke.

Yes, he's a bird.

He is a bird.

He's a bird!

Alright, that's another $2,500
you just added.

You're up to $12,000 now.

We got it!

Let's see the next celebrity
we have up here.

Oh, who's that guy?

Jaime, is he a bird?

Yes? It's a bird?
I would say yeah.

‐I think ‐‐
‐Lisa, you think he's a bird?

‐I think it is.
‐Okay.

[ Audience murmurs ]

Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks...is not a bird.

‐What?
‐Yeah.

But he is the very best of us.

Giuseppe, last question.

Lisa: Okay.
You know who that is?

‐Yes, I do.
‐Is she a bird?

Um...

‐Yes.
‐Yes. I think yes.

I never heard of a bird
like that.

‐Chill.
‐I'm chill!

Taylor Swift.

You're saying this is
a bird?

‐Yeah.
‐Let's see.

Taylor Swift is a bird.

‐Yeah! Told you, baby!
‐Yeah!

$14,500,

which brings your total
to $82,000.

It's a lot of money.

Stick around to see

if the Rileys can increase
their nest egg.

You're not gonna want to miss
what they do next.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay, time for our final game,

and time, as we all know ‐‐
it's just a construct.

It's a measurement created
by silly humans

to count the comings and goings

of our curious and ultimately
meaningless existence.

I guess what I'm saying,
Riley family,

is it's time to play
"Don't Get Clocked."

Come on.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

In this game, two of you

will answer trivia questions
with a numeric answer.

The other two will sit below
a giant revolving clock

and have to grab the number
answered

without getting clocked
in the face by huge hammers.

Every correct number you grab
earns you $1,500,

and after five minutes
or both of you getting clocked,

the game is over.

"Don't Get Clocked."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies, let me just ask you ‐‐
how did you end up back there?

Is there some strategy here?

No. Nothing. "Get in the box."
We got in the box.

You just ended up
there?

You just said,
"Get in."

David, you just finished
a very spicy challenge.

Is this strategy of them
doing all of the active work

and you sitting here and
answering trivia questions ‐‐

does it have anything to do

with how your stomach
is feeling right now?

Well,
I'm not...feeling great.

Okay. So, after you ate all of
that butt‐exploding food...

Yes.
...all they needed to do
was get in the box?

Yes, sir.

Okay,
are you guys ready?

Yes, sir.
We're ready.

Jaime and Lisa,
are you guys ready?

I'm a whole nother level
of scared right now.

You are?
Yeah.

Well, there's a lot
to play for.

You currently have $82,000.

If you play this round
perfectly,

you leave here tonight
with over $100,000.

Oh!

And now, it's time
to turn it on.

♪♪

Let's put five minutes
on the clock.

Oh!

Here is
your first question.

‐2! 2!
‐2!

‐2! 2!
‐2!

Guys say 2.

Fun fact ‐‐ "2 Legit 2 Quit"
was the sequel

to the 1990 track
"1 Legit 1 Quit."

Half as good.
Dad jokes.

Shoot me.

Go, go, Jaime!

[ Ding! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Very nice. Very nice.

That is $1,500 you just won.

We'll take it.
We'll take it.

Okay.

12! 12!

‐12!
‐12!

Let's fix this
for our OCD viewers at home.

Yep, that's better.

Left to right.

‐12!
‐12!

Jaime, you're gonna
have to get it.

Jaime, get it!

‐Go, go!
‐Go, Jaime! Go!

[ Cheers and applause ]

$3,000 so far.

Question number three...

‐4 years! 4, 4, 4!
‐4! 4!

‐4!
‐4!

This show
was shot back in 2019.

Math was different back then.

‐4!
‐4!

Now! Now!

[ Ding! ]

Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

Adam: It still counts
even if she didn't hold it.

Okay. Fill in the blank
in this dad joke.

8! 8! 8!

Lisa, now, now!
Now, Lisa!

Now!
‐Go!

[ Ding! ]
‐7, 8, 9.

She got 8.
‐Good job.

$6,000 so far.
Very good.

Some eagle‐eyed viewers
at home may have noticed

Jaime also
took out the 7.

We're just gonna play through
and act like it didn't happen.

Question number five...

‐9! 9!
‐9!

Now, Lisa, look up!

Go, go, Jaime, go!

Oh!
You were waiting for that!

Great job, Jaime.

Great job.

Whatever.

You're out now,
so you can help answer

the questions along
with the guys.

‐Just you!
‐Just me?

That's right, Lisa.
It's all up to you.

You currently have a total
of $88,000.

Come on, Lisa!

Can you reach $100,000?

Get it together!

Shut the [bleep] up.

Adam: Questions to be answered
when we return ‐‐

Can Lisa get out of here
without being clocked?

Will Giuseppe ever stop
using finger guns?

And how many ads during
this commercial break

will say the phrase,
"In these challenging times"?

Five.
The answer is five.

Adam:
Welcome back to "Don't."

The Rileys started slow,

but they quickly started
stockpiling money.

[ Screams ]

Jaime helped them win thousands
when she didn't blink...

Not a one.

...David fought off
a ghost pepper and tears

in "Don't Drink"...

Pass. Pass!

...and bird is the word,
and the word was "money"...

Robin Thicke.

He's a bird!

...in "Don't Use Fowl Language,"

bringing their total so far
to $88,000.

‐9! 9!
‐9!

Just before the break,
Jaime...

Giuseppe:
Go, go, go, Jaime, go!

‐...got clocked...
‐Oh!

...which means it's now all up
to her sister Lisa

to reach the $100,000 mark.

Here we go.
Let's get back into it.

Question number six.

‐10!
‐10! 10!
‐10! 10! 10!

‐Let's go, Lisa!
‐There you go.

Now! Now!

Go, Lisa!

[ Ding! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah! Good job!

That is another $1,500.

You have $7,500 so far.
Yeah!

The One.

1! 1!

1! 1!

Lisa: Really?!

Now! Now!

[ Ding! ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good job! Good job!

I know.

$9,000.
9 grand, baby!

Let's see how
much more we can get.
9 grand.

9! 9!

9! 9!
Adam: 9 is correct,

but can Lisa grab it?

[ Ding! ]

Very nice.

Good job!
Good job!

$10,500 so far.

‐5!
‐5!

5!

Giuseppe: Now! Now!

Jaime: Lisa, now!

[ Ding! ]
Adam: She's got it.

Very good.

Okay, you guys are at $12,000
so far on this challenge alone.

You have under 30 seconds left.

‐6!
‐6!

‐6!
‐6!

Adam:
We have 10 seconds!

Jaime: 10...

All: 9, 8, 7, 6, 5...

I can't get it!

All: ...4, 3, 2, 1.

Okay. That's it.
That is the game.

Sorry.

[ Laughs ]

Don't worry, Lisa is fine.

She developed whiplash
in an unrelated incident.

Riley family, you are going home
with $94,000 for you guys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So happy for you.
That's awesome.

Oh, and there's some
good news for me,

because I've made my decision
for who my new best friend is,

and, well,
it's Giuseppe.

Giuseppe, will you be
my new best friend?

Absolutely.

Alright. Come here.

How you doing?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, we're best friends.

Best friends.

We're best friends.

Good night, everybody.

Yeah!
Yeah!

So great.

Yeah!

Lisa went on to call
the sitting members

of the Supreme Court "bitches"
to their faces,

but everyone loved it
and had a good laugh,

especially Ginsburg.

David is still in the bathroom,

recovering from
that ghost pepper.

The other Rileys miss him
so very much.

Jaime parlayed her ability
to not blink

into full‐time Instagram
influencer status.

She's now a brand ambassador
for Visine.

Giuseppe went on to buy drinks

for the whole studio audience

and wiped out
all of their winnings.

And Adam will be back here
next week,

as he is contractually
obligated to be.

[ Chuckles ]
Suck it, Adam.