All language subtitles for Chrissys.Court.S01E03_English

ANNOUNCER:
Today on Chrissy's Court,

Derek Tran is suing
his boyfriend Daniel Falanga

for $70 for buying the wrong
gift for Daniel's cousin.

Daniel says this is typical Derek
and is over it.

The people are real, the cases are real,

and the judgments are legally binding,

no matter how unqualified the judge is.

- This is Chrissy's Court.

[dramatic music plays]

- All rise to the Honorable Judge

Chrissy Teigen.
- Hello, everybody.

- Hi, Judge.
- Hi, Mom.

You may be seated. All right.

Derek v. Daniel.

So you guys are in a relationship...

- As of today, yeah.

[laughter]
- Or it ends today?

- TBD.
- Okay, so,

Derek, go ahead and explain
your side of this case here.

- It was his cousin Katie's birthday.
- Mm-hmm.

- And we decided to go halfsies
on gifts together.

I wanted this really cute sweater
that says "that bitch" on the side.

- [laughs]
- Very cute. It would go well

with high-waisted pants.

Is this from the Lizzo song?
She loves that song?

Or is it...
- Yes, I sent him the link,

and then he told me that
he bought the sweater already.

- Okay.
- And then, cut to:

it's Katie's birthday.
- Uh-huh.

- And she sends us
this photo of a sweater,

and I thought it was the ugliest
sweater in the world.

- It did the job! She needed
a (bleep) birthday present.

I don't understand!

- Stop.

- I love you both already.

Okay, so, did she say, like,

"Oh, my God, I just got the
ugliest sweater in the world,"

or did you take a look at it and say,
"This is a really ugly sweater"?

- That's a very good question,
Your Honor.

- Thank you.
DEREK: Um...

[laughter]

- Ruling in favor for the defendant.

- Uh...

I knew that she was probably thinking

it was the ugliest sweater,
and I thought the same thing.

So now I'm suing him for $70,

which was half the total cost
of the entire gift.

- Okay, let me see this sweater.
- Okay.

CHRISSY:
Mom, can you actually put it on, please?

PEPPER:
Sure.

It's really cute.

CHRISSY: Oh, that's it?
Just a sweatshirt, simple sweatshirt.

Put it on.
- I don't want to ruin my hair.

You have literally no other job here.

[laughter]
It's like all you do

is every once in a while
you get your line right

at the beginning,
and that's what you have to do.
- All right.

So it's just "that bitch."

- You know, it's simple.
It's not doing a lot.
- Yes.

DEREK: But it's doing enough.
- What do you think of it, Mom?

- Fit me perfectly.
- Actually, my mom

would wear this in a heartbeat.
- [laughs]

- You are that bitch, too, so...
- Yeah.

- It's a good fit.
Daniel, your side of the case.

- Okay, so I'm gonna fill in
the holes of the bullshit

that Derek just gave us.
- Okay. [laughs]

- Derek said he was going
to get this sweater,

and then Derek has this talent
of just sitting on that forever.

- Uh-huh.
- And not taking initiative.

CHRISSY:
Okay, so,

you were waiting on him to buy it,
and by the time that you finally realized

he wasn't gonna get it,
you had to get something.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, you want to see it?
- Yes, I want to see the sweatshirt.

- If that's what you think
is so much nicer, we should've

gotten her a (bleep) gift card
at this point.

- More words!
- Chrissy.

- Shut up, Derek.
CHRISSY: Oh, you can just
put it on over...

Hey! Guys.

Mom, can you read this to me?

- "My DNA test confirmed

I am 100% that bitch."

[laughter]

- That is a great sweatshirt, Derek.

Uh, you're gonna double up now?
- DANIEL: It-it's gonna be hot,

-sweetheart, don't...
CHRISSY: Yeah.

She'll get it.

Wait, so where do you both live?

BOTH: Culver City.
- Okay.

Amazing restaurants out there.

Have you been to Vespertine?

- No. That's...
- We don't have that much money.

- n/naka?
- No! We don't have

the kind of money you have!
[laughter]

- It's less than Vespertine!

- n/naka.
- Maybe that'll be my judgment,

is just I'll send you both
to n/naka and shut up about it.

[laughter]

Okay, this one's great, too.
I really understand,

there's differences in these sweatshirts.

- It's a bubble font.
- Mom, what do you think?

- Uh, I-I like the first one.

The small word.
- Yeah, you're just that bitch.

No, there was no DNA test
that confirmed it.

We have Katie, actually, on Skype live,
and we're gonna talk to Katie.

Katie is going to be giving us
the honest truth.

- Hi, Katie.
- Hi.

- When you received
the sweatshirt that says,

"My DNA test confirmed
I am 100% that bitch,"

you were like, "Thank you
so much for this sweatshirt."

- Of course.
- But you can be honest with us now.

Would you have preferred
to have this more simple

"that bitch" sweatshirt?

- I'm a big Lizzo fan,
and I think the sweatshirt I got

more outwardly displays my love of Lizzo.

- Oh, my goodness, Daniel.

Derek, she loves the one she got.

She can't say that she doesn't
in front of her cousin.

- She already said it, Derek.
KATIE: I will say,

I did bring it out at the bar
and showed it to people.

- So you wore it out.

- I didn't wear it.
It was in my bag.

- See? See? See?

CHRISSY:
Do you want to see my mom in it?

KATIE: You look great.
[laughter]

- Here's what you
could have had, though.

- So I'm not giving it back, then.

- No. Take it off!
[laughter]

What the hell?
Who gets you dressed

in the morning?
- W-Watch-watch my hair.

Watch my hair and my ears.

- Okay, so this is what
you could have had.

- That's nice, too.
It's not showing my support

at the level that I need
to be displaying it, so...

- You're hearing this, Derek?

- Has she worn it once out
since she's got it?

- Yeah. You have a picture of me in it.

- Where did you wear it?
Was it in public,

or was it around the house?

- Oh, it was in my house.

- Chrissy...

[laughter]

- We have an expert celebrity witness.

- Oh, wow.
- And I would like

to put him up on the screen now.

- The DNA results are in,

and Katie is 100% that bitch.

[laughter]

CHRISSY:
All in all, she's happy

with the gift she got, so case dismissed.

You guys may leave the courtroom.
Thank you so much.

- Come help me, Judge.

- Oh, God.

Okay, what do you guys think?
Let's get a round of applause.

Who would prefer "that bitch"?

[applause]

Who would prefer the longer version?

[gasps, shushes]
[laughter]

- I still think that Katie
wasn't telling 100% of the truth,

which kind of biased Chrissy's decision.

- I pretty much crushed it.

I, uh, delivered what I needed to,
and I came out with the W,

which is all I wanted
to come here and do today.

- Chrissy, we have a surprise for you.

- What?

- I have one more DNA result.

Chrissy Teigen,
the DNA test determined

you are also 100% that bitch.

- Yes!
PEPPER: Yeah!

[dramatic music plays]