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1
00:00:27,004 --> 00:00:29,096
He was offensive.
2
00:00:29,172 --> 00:00:31,538
He was obnoxious.
3
00:00:31,608 --> 00:00:33,542
He was disgusting.
4
00:00:33,610 --> 00:00:36,408
Do you want me to go on?
5
00:00:38,114 --> 00:00:41,049
Once he wanted me
to approve a contest
6
00:00:41,117 --> 00:00:43,085
where he would
give a new toilet
7
00:00:43,152 --> 00:00:46,679
to the listener with
the largest bowel movement.
8
00:00:48,057 --> 00:00:49,684
On the air.
9
00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:53,160
I mean, you can imagine
the logistics of that.
10
00:01:07,210 --> 00:01:11,010
Howard Stern: You know, when I
look back on this moment in my life,
11
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,048
I really wanted it to work.
12
00:01:13,116 --> 00:01:15,584
I wanted this to be
the biggest moment
13
00:01:15,685 --> 00:01:18,085
in the history of entertainment.
I'm not kidding.
14
00:01:18,154 --> 00:01:20,713
I wanted everyone
to wake up the next morning
15
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:23,019
talking about me,
Howard Stern.
16
00:01:23,091 --> 00:01:25,685
That's the kind
of thinking, though,
17
00:01:25,761 --> 00:01:28,252
that usually
gets me into trouble.
18
00:01:28,363 --> 00:01:31,696
John Stamos: I'm here to
introduce the next presenter.
19
00:01:31,767 --> 00:01:33,894
Believe me, a lot of people
refused to introduce this guy,
20
00:01:34,002 --> 00:01:34,900
but, uh...
21
00:01:35,003 --> 00:01:36,027
Is this safe?
22
00:01:36,104 --> 00:01:38,902
When you drop,
don't spin around
23
00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,168
or the wires
get screwed up.
24
00:01:40,242 --> 00:01:41,174
[Gasps]
25
00:01:41,243 --> 00:01:44,303
...Radio waves
high above America...
26
00:01:44,379 --> 00:01:46,040
[Crowd Cheers]
27
00:01:46,114 --> 00:01:47,547
It's a bird...
28
00:01:47,616 --> 00:01:49,447
I'm making such a mistake.
29
00:01:49,518 --> 00:01:50,985
It's a plane...
30
00:01:51,053 --> 00:01:54,853
No, it's Fartman!
31
00:01:57,225 --> 00:01:59,853
Howard:
Behold, I am Fartman.
32
00:01:59,928 --> 00:02:02,658
Behold, the greatest.
That is me.
33
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:05,996
The mightiest
of superheroes.
34
00:02:06,068 --> 00:02:08,764
My ass has power!
35
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,304
Screw Superman.
36
00:02:10,372 --> 00:02:13,602
I am Fartman.
Fartman rules.
37
00:02:13,674 --> 00:02:16,108
Fartman.
38
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:17,644
Fartman!
39
00:02:23,951 --> 00:02:27,682
And now, in an extraordinary
display of my powers,
40
00:02:27,755 --> 00:02:30,383
I will show you
something so marvelous.
41
00:02:30,458 --> 00:02:31,390
Behold.
42
00:02:31,459 --> 00:02:32,926
[Passes Gas]
43
00:02:38,265 --> 00:02:42,861
The lovely and talented
Fartman, ladies and gentlemen.
44
00:02:52,079 --> 00:02:54,445
Howard: I got to tell you,
with all this carrying on,
45
00:02:54,515 --> 00:02:55,914
I mean, the way
they were screaming,
46
00:02:55,983 --> 00:02:57,848
at first I really thought
I'd won them over.
47
00:02:57,918 --> 00:03:00,682
I thought I was the Beatles
on Ed Sullivan or something.
48
00:03:00,755 --> 00:03:02,245
Oh, shock...
49
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,653
But did my fellow artists
appreciate
50
00:03:04,724 --> 00:03:07,989
the comedically ironic aspect
of my new superhero character?
51
00:03:08,094 --> 00:03:10,892
No. They just thought
I was an idiot.
52
00:03:10,964 --> 00:03:14,331
You know, most of these people
are Satan-worshipping junkies.
53
00:03:18,104 --> 00:03:21,073
Hey, look, all I want
is for my artistic courage
54
00:03:21,141 --> 00:03:22,608
to be an inspiration
to others.
55
00:03:22,675 --> 00:03:23,642
Instead, I'm a joke.
56
00:03:23,743 --> 00:03:26,803
Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt.
57
00:03:29,816 --> 00:03:31,647
Embarrassing.
58
00:03:31,718 --> 00:03:33,948
See, that's when I came
to a profound realization...
59
00:03:34,020 --> 00:03:38,081
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
60
00:03:38,158 --> 00:03:39,090
Haah!
61
00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:41,184
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
62
00:03:41,261 --> 00:03:43,229
I mean, think about
what a burden that is.
63
00:03:43,329 --> 00:03:45,627
What a thing
to go through life with.
64
00:03:45,698 --> 00:03:47,529
All I'm trying to do
is be funny,
65
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,797
and I end up
feeling like an asshole.
66
00:03:50,870 --> 00:03:53,202
What a fucking jerk.
67
00:03:57,810 --> 00:04:00,040
Howard, it was a home run.
68
00:04:00,112 --> 00:04:01,204
You think so?
69
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,680
Absolutely.
And when you said,
70
00:04:03,749 --> 00:04:06,309
"All of Hollywood
can kiss my ass,"
71
00:04:06,385 --> 00:04:10,219
you had every teenager in the
country eating out of your hand.
72
00:04:10,289 --> 00:04:13,383
My guess is we'll get
coverage from 200, maybe 300...
73
00:04:13,459 --> 00:04:14,983
[Aria Plays]
74
00:04:26,605 --> 00:04:28,038
Howard.
75
00:04:29,274 --> 00:04:31,708
Howard...
here's your ticket.
76
00:04:31,777 --> 00:04:34,712
OK? Now call me as soon as
you get to New York, will you?
77
00:04:34,780 --> 00:04:36,680
Yo, Fartman.
Love you, man.
78
00:04:36,748 --> 00:04:38,340
Thanks.
79
00:04:38,417 --> 00:04:41,545
All right. So getting back
to what I was talking about...
80
00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:45,419
More than anything, I'd like
the public to appreciate me.
81
00:04:45,490 --> 00:04:48,823
No, forget that.
I want them to love me...
82
00:04:48,893 --> 00:04:50,360
Not the myth, but the man.
83
00:04:50,428 --> 00:04:52,225
The real Howard.
84
00:04:52,296 --> 00:04:54,264
Let me demonstrate my point.
85
00:04:54,332 --> 00:04:55,264
Thank you.
86
00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:56,800
Now, take this woman,
for example.
87
00:04:56,901 --> 00:04:58,368
She hates me.
88
00:04:59,437 --> 00:05:01,064
She doesn't even know me,
89
00:05:01,105 --> 00:05:04,506
but it's clear that she's
totally disgusted by me.
90
00:05:04,575 --> 00:05:05,906
Down the aisle
on your right.
91
00:05:05,977 --> 00:05:07,239
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
92
00:05:07,311 --> 00:05:08,642
You don't possibly have
another seat available for me?
93
00:05:08,713 --> 00:05:10,510
I'm sorry.
We're showing a full load.
94
00:05:12,116 --> 00:05:13,105
Right here on your left.
95
00:05:13,184 --> 00:05:14,481
Full load.
96
00:05:14,552 --> 00:05:18,420
Yes.
Sir, may I help you?
97
00:05:18,489 --> 00:05:19,922
To your right.
98
00:05:20,992 --> 00:05:21,924
Hello.
99
00:05:21,993 --> 00:05:22,925
Hello.
100
00:05:22,994 --> 00:05:24,962
Is this yours?
101
00:05:25,062 --> 00:05:27,553
Yeah. If you want
to read it, you can.
102
00:05:27,665 --> 00:05:29,098
Thank you.
103
00:05:34,572 --> 00:05:38,200
Pfft, I've seen
this look before,
104
00:05:38,275 --> 00:05:39,936
believe me.
105
00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:42,501
It's the look
of misunderstanding.
106
00:05:42,612 --> 00:05:44,773
She thinks I'm a moron.
107
00:05:44,848 --> 00:05:47,715
In fact, all my life,
people have told me I was a moron.
108
00:05:47,784 --> 00:05:49,518
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.
109
00:05:49,519 --> 00:05:51,252
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.
110
00:05:52,822 --> 00:05:55,791
So this is my dad Ben Stern.
111
00:05:55,859 --> 00:05:58,987
He was an engineer
at a radio station in Manhattan... WHOM.
112
00:05:59,062 --> 00:06:01,826
Why do we live in Roosevelt
when you work in New York?
113
00:06:01,898 --> 00:06:02,956
Shut up.
114
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:04,500
[Radio Static]
115
00:06:04,601 --> 00:06:06,967
We never played catch
or went to ball games.
116
00:06:07,037 --> 00:06:08,800
The only sport
my father liked was yelling.
117
00:06:08,872 --> 00:06:09,804
Nothing but crap.
118
00:06:09,873 --> 00:06:11,033
[Changes Station]
119
00:06:11,107 --> 00:06:12,540
[Reggae Music Plays]
120
00:06:12,609 --> 00:06:15,169
- Is this one crap?
- Don't be a moron.
121
00:06:15,245 --> 00:06:18,339
# Shut up your mouth,
That is your daddy #
122
00:06:18,415 --> 00:06:19,439
# Oh, no #
123
00:06:19,516 --> 00:06:22,144
# My daddy
can't be ugly so #
124
00:06:22,185 --> 00:06:24,312
# Shut your mouth,
go away #
125
00:06:24,387 --> 00:06:26,753
# Ooh, Mama
look-a boo boo day #
126
00:06:26,823 --> 00:06:27,754
Huh!
127
00:06:27,823 --> 00:06:28,755
# Shut your mouth... #
128
00:06:28,824 --> 00:06:30,348
My father
commuted every day,
129
00:06:30,459 --> 00:06:32,427
I guess it was, about 40 miles
into Manhattan.
130
00:06:32,494 --> 00:06:35,258
He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning,
get home around midnight or something.
131
00:06:35,331 --> 00:06:36,263
I mean, I never saw the guy.
132
00:06:36,332 --> 00:06:37,299
Come on. Come on.
133
00:06:37,366 --> 00:06:39,732
Once a year, my old man
would break down
134
00:06:39,868 --> 00:06:40,994
and take me
to work with him.
135
00:06:41,070 --> 00:06:42,298
A little quality time.
136
00:06:42,371 --> 00:06:44,066
I liked that.
A little bonding.
137
00:06:44,139 --> 00:06:46,107
Dad and son together.
138
00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:47,641
I looked forward to that.
139
00:06:47,710 --> 00:06:48,972
[Elevator Dings]
140
00:06:49,044 --> 00:06:50,978
Take my hand,
Howard.
141
00:06:51,046 --> 00:06:52,479
And remember, Howard,
142
00:06:52,548 --> 00:06:54,516
I work here,
so keep your mouth shut.
143
00:06:54,583 --> 00:06:56,050
# Never know
how much I love you... #
144
00:06:56,151 --> 00:06:58,483
You spin and you spin
and you spin.
145
00:07:00,556 --> 00:07:01,488
Records...
Who gives a damn?
146
00:07:01,557 --> 00:07:02,489
Daddy.
147
00:07:02,558 --> 00:07:03,752
I told you, shut up.
148
00:07:03,826 --> 00:07:05,885
That man's
throwing records.
149
00:07:05,995 --> 00:07:07,860
No, nobody gives
a goddamn about it.
150
00:07:07,930 --> 00:07:09,761
None of it.
What the fuck is it?
151
00:07:09,832 --> 00:07:12,630
Just fucking records!
It's just this fucking place.
152
00:07:12,701 --> 00:07:14,168
None of it means anything.
It's empty...
153
00:07:14,236 --> 00:07:16,466
Sid, you're on
in 15 seconds.
154
00:07:16,538 --> 00:07:17,869
Get a grip on yourself!
155
00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:19,236
Ah, what the hell
do you know, you bastard?
156
00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:20,568
You mieskait!
157
00:07:20,642 --> 00:07:23,475
You're gonna play the music
for the people? It doesn't...
158
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:24,476
Symphony Sid!
159
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,843
By the powers vested in me
160
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,882
by the Federal
Communications Commission,
161
00:07:28,983 --> 00:07:30,245
I command you
162
00:07:30,351 --> 00:07:33,445
to get on the microphone
in a serious manner
163
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,512
and continue this broadcast.
164
00:07:46,501 --> 00:07:49,265
Deep, Calm Voice: This is
Sunday Blues And Jazz,
165
00:07:49,337 --> 00:07:51,862
and I'm your host
Symphony Sid.
166
00:07:51,973 --> 00:07:56,103
And now... something
for a blue Sunday.
167
00:07:56,177 --> 00:07:59,476
Howard: From that moment on,
I wanted to be on the radio.
168
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,913
Show business
was definitely for me.
169
00:08:01,983 --> 00:08:04,178
[Bouncy Puppet Music]
170
00:08:04,252 --> 00:08:08,188
And for my 12th birthday, my
mother bought me some puppets,
171
00:08:08,256 --> 00:08:11,884
and pretty soon, I was spreading
joy throughout the community.
172
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:14,017
# Biddi-bim-bom,
ay- yi-yi #
173
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,151
# Biddi-biddi-biddi #
174
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,593
# Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi #
175
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,028
# Biddi-biddi-biddi... #
176
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:21,192
Howard, As The Woman:
Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.
177
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:22,791
More. More. Ohh!
178
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:23,870
Howard, As The Man:
You like that, huh?
179
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:26,201
Oh, yes, I love it, baby.
Give it to me.
180
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,969
Oh, baby, yes!
Right there. Ohh!
181
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,907
Oh, more! Harder!
182
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,001
You want it harder?
183
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,410
Oh, yes, harder.
Please give it to me, please.
184
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,244
Ohh! Aah! Aah!
185
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:39,751
But why can't I play
with my puppets?
186
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,186
Shut up! You know why.
187
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,052
Ah...
188
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,662
You know,
life is very strange.
189
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,527
Nat King Cole:
# Pretend you're happy... #
190
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,498
Just about the time
my puppet career ended,
191
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:56,536
my whole neighborhood
underwent a demographic shift.
192
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,935
My parents said we're moving
because of those niggers.
193
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,700
They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's
going to be nothing but niggers.
194
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:03,571
Really? My parents
said we're moving
195
00:09:03,642 --> 00:09:04,768
because of
all the Shvartzes.
196
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,709
Shvartzes are niggers,
idiot.
197
00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:07,768
They're the same thing.
198
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,848
[Tires Screech]
199
00:09:09,915 --> 00:09:12,383
I don't want to hear any more
of this, you hear me?
200
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:15,352
I'm half negro,
and Howard's half negro.
201
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:17,081
And anything bad
you say about negroes,
202
00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:18,680
you're saying about us,
you understand?
203
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:23,922
# And nothing's bad
as it may seem... #
204
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:26,430
Mom, we're half negro?
205
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:33,304
I can't believe
the stories he makes up.
206
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:36,773
I mean, I never made him
wear my underwear to school.
207
00:09:36,842 --> 00:09:39,675
And... And as far as my taking
his rectal temperature
208
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:41,508
every day till he was 14...
209
00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:43,844
He shouldn't make
such a big deal.
210
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,578
He still grew up to be
a very well-adjusted individual.
211
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:47,641
Absolutely.
212
00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:50,381
# Papa was
a rolling stone... #
213
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:52,956
Roosevelt High School...
beautiful.
214
00:09:53,024 --> 00:09:55,618
A fully integrated
educational institution,
215
00:09:55,693 --> 00:09:58,594
which of course meant
6,000 black guys and me.
216
00:09:58,663 --> 00:10:00,096
And then I hit puberty.
217
00:10:00,165 --> 00:10:01,393
That made things worse
218
00:10:01,466 --> 00:10:03,400
because my penis
never got any bigger.
219
00:10:03,468 --> 00:10:05,129
I mean, I was hung
like a 3- year-old.
220
00:10:05,203 --> 00:10:09,139
Hey, seriously, these guys had
rhinoceros penises... huge.
221
00:10:09,207 --> 00:10:11,869
You know, I've heard
black men complain
222
00:10:11,943 --> 00:10:13,274
that they're
unfairly stereotyped.
223
00:10:13,344 --> 00:10:16,802
Man, I'd love to have
a stereotype like that.
224
00:10:16,915 --> 00:10:19,850
Now, because I had
such a minuscule schlonger,
225
00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:21,215
I turned to drugs.
226
00:10:21,286 --> 00:10:24,722
Unfortunately, the drugs
really made me paranoid.
227
00:10:29,761 --> 00:10:33,162
Howard's Mother: Howard, I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
228
00:10:33,231 --> 00:10:34,960
There's no smoke
in here.
229
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:38,025
Howard, your father wants to
see you downstairs.
230
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,234
[Gargles]
231
00:10:43,308 --> 00:10:45,036
Howard.
232
00:10:46,510 --> 00:10:48,000
[Swallows]
233
00:10:48,111 --> 00:10:50,272
Howard, you're graduating
from high school this year.
234
00:10:50,347 --> 00:10:52,577
You should be making some kind
of plan for your future.
235
00:10:52,649 --> 00:10:53,616
You need a plan.
236
00:10:53,717 --> 00:10:56,242
I want to be on the radio.
237
00:10:56,353 --> 00:10:58,287
He wants to be on radio.
238
00:10:58,355 --> 00:11:00,516
But to be on the radio,
you have to have a voice.
239
00:11:00,591 --> 00:11:02,252
You have to have
some verbal ability.
240
00:11:02,326 --> 00:11:04,351
You hardly ever say a word.
241
00:11:04,461 --> 00:11:08,329
This all from a guy who's only told me
to shut up about 50,000 times.
242
00:11:08,398 --> 00:11:09,797
I talk.
243
00:11:10,868 --> 00:11:13,701
You really want to be
on the radio?
244
00:11:15,472 --> 00:11:18,805
OK. If you want
a shot at radio,
245
00:11:18,876 --> 00:11:22,334
the counseling center says
there's a communications program
246
00:11:22,446 --> 00:11:23,640
at Boston University.
247
00:11:33,657 --> 00:11:36,056
OK, I know
what you're saying.
248
00:11:36,125 --> 00:11:38,855
You're saying I look
a little old to be in college.
249
00:11:38,928 --> 00:11:41,954
Well, for this movie,
you gotta suspend disbelief.
250
00:11:42,064 --> 00:11:43,861
Hey, Lisa.
251
00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:46,333
Lisa.
Hi, how you doing?
252
00:11:46,402 --> 00:11:47,596
Hi.
253
00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:50,298
I was wondering if you'd
like to go out Friday night.
254
00:11:50,373 --> 00:11:51,499
With you?
255
00:11:51,607 --> 00:11:53,234
No, thanks.
256
00:11:55,344 --> 00:11:58,245
Hi. I was just
wondering if you...
257
00:11:58,314 --> 00:11:59,747
Uh, no.
258
00:12:04,820 --> 00:12:07,220
- Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
259
00:12:07,290 --> 00:12:08,257
Excuse me.
260
00:12:08,357 --> 00:12:10,257
Would you like to
go out Friday night?
261
00:12:10,326 --> 00:12:11,759
Friday?
262
00:12:16,966 --> 00:12:20,129
No. I have a lot of reading
to catch up on,
263
00:12:20,202 --> 00:12:22,636
but thank you.
264
00:12:22,705 --> 00:12:26,141
So I masturbated a lot...
2-time-a-day habit.
265
00:12:26,242 --> 00:12:28,209
I'm not proud of it,
but I did it.
266
00:12:28,276 --> 00:12:30,107
Senior year...
Big year for me.
267
00:12:30,178 --> 00:12:31,202
I finally
got up the courage
268
00:12:31,313 --> 00:12:32,871
to go down
to the college radio station
269
00:12:32,981 --> 00:12:34,141
and get myself on the air.
270
00:12:34,215 --> 00:12:36,149
And my name
is Howard Stern
271
00:12:36,217 --> 00:12:38,242
on the Howard Stern
Experience,
272
00:12:38,353 --> 00:12:42,790
and if you love music,
you'll love Deep Purple on TBU.
273
00:12:42,891 --> 00:12:45,826
[Smoke On The Water Plays]
274
00:12:56,771 --> 00:12:57,703
Ohh!
275
00:12:57,772 --> 00:12:59,296
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
276
00:12:59,407 --> 00:13:00,635
Ooh!
277
00:13:00,709 --> 00:13:03,644
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
278
00:13:04,779 --> 00:13:06,246
[Needle Scratches Record]
279
00:13:07,382 --> 00:13:08,406
How do I forget it?
280
00:13:08,516 --> 00:13:09,881
It's the single worst moment
in radio history.
281
00:13:09,951 --> 00:13:11,179
It's not radio.
282
00:13:11,252 --> 00:13:13,220
It's college radio.
283
00:13:13,321 --> 00:13:14,515
There's
nobody listening.
284
00:13:14,589 --> 00:13:17,023
Nobody. Maybe, like,
3 guys in a dorm somewhere.
285
00:13:17,092 --> 00:13:18,752
Oh, shit.
286
00:13:18,826 --> 00:13:19,850
Oh, fuck.
287
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,825
I know someone on this block.
Let me think.
288
00:13:21,895 --> 00:13:24,732
Come on.
We're getting wet.
289
00:13:24,865 --> 00:13:25,763
Down here. Down here.
Down here.
290
00:13:25,799 --> 00:13:26,424
[Knock On Door]
291
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:27,467
Hi, Elyse.
292
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:28,831
Hey.
293
00:13:28,902 --> 00:13:31,132
So, we were on our way to a rally
in support of feminism,
294
00:13:31,205 --> 00:13:32,729
and we got caught
in the rain.
295
00:13:32,806 --> 00:13:35,070
I'm wondering if we can come in
and just hang out for awhile.
296
00:13:35,142 --> 00:13:36,939
Sure,
come on in.
297
00:13:37,011 --> 00:13:39,104
Howard: Can I use
your hair dryer?
298
00:13:39,179 --> 00:13:42,808
Yeah, there's one at the end
of the hall. Hey, Rach.
299
00:13:42,883 --> 00:13:44,043
Hi, Ellen.
This is Howard.
300
00:13:44,118 --> 00:13:45,608
Oh, hi.
My hair's wet.
301
00:13:45,686 --> 00:13:46,618
Put that there.
302
00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:48,382
I'm just going to go
dry my hair.
303
00:13:48,455 --> 00:13:50,446
Hey, I heard you
on the radio today.
304
00:13:50,524 --> 00:13:51,616
You heard that?
305
00:13:51,692 --> 00:13:53,057
Yeah. What happened?
306
00:13:53,127 --> 00:13:55,152
I didn't think anybody
even listened to that.
307
00:13:55,229 --> 00:13:56,787
Alison, this is Howard.
Howard, this is Alison.
308
00:13:56,864 --> 00:13:57,796
Alison's
one of my roommates.
309
00:13:57,865 --> 00:13:58,797
Hey.
310
00:14:00,801 --> 00:14:02,098
[Thunder]
311
00:14:02,169 --> 00:14:05,036
[Love Is A Many
Splendored Thing Plays]
312
00:14:07,975 --> 00:14:08,907
Howard.
313
00:14:08,976 --> 00:14:09,907
Howard.
314
00:14:09,976 --> 00:14:12,536
Hair dryer's
in the bathroom.
315
00:14:15,782 --> 00:14:17,841
Hi. Hi.
316
00:14:18,918 --> 00:14:20,180
Hi, I'm Howard.
317
00:14:20,253 --> 00:14:21,481
Look at you, man.
318
00:14:21,554 --> 00:14:23,249
You can get her.
You can get her.
319
00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:24,721
She looks hot.
320
00:14:24,791 --> 00:14:26,691
[Sniff Sniff Sniff]
321
00:14:26,759 --> 00:14:28,192
How are you?
322
00:14:28,261 --> 00:14:30,058
I'm making a film
for my film class,
323
00:14:30,129 --> 00:14:31,528
and, I mean,
it's a legitimate film.
324
00:14:31,597 --> 00:14:33,531
You won't... You're not gonna
be naked or anything.
325
00:14:33,599 --> 00:14:34,793
You'll have your clothes on,
you know.
326
00:14:34,867 --> 00:14:36,095
What's it about?
327
00:14:36,169 --> 00:14:37,864
Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.
328
00:14:37,937 --> 00:14:42,237
In my, um, psychology class,
we're studying B.F. Skinner,
329
00:14:42,308 --> 00:14:46,745
and I started to realize that
what Skinner says is true...
330
00:14:46,813 --> 00:14:48,906
We're all rats
trapped in a box,
331
00:14:48,981 --> 00:14:50,448
all searching
for a piece of cheese.
332
00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:52,279
Mm-hmm.
333
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:53,784
And I'm going to shoot it
on Saturday.
334
00:14:53,853 --> 00:14:56,845
I mean, I can't do it
Saturday.
335
00:14:56,923 --> 00:15:00,086
I work with an outpatient program
for schizophrenics.
336
00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:01,625
One of them actually
killed himself,
337
00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:03,024
so I'm taking
the whole group to...
338
00:15:03,095 --> 00:15:05,222
to the funeral
on Saturday, but...
339
00:15:05,297 --> 00:15:06,696
Sorry.
340
00:15:06,765 --> 00:15:09,427
You are really perfect.
341
00:15:09,501 --> 00:15:13,096
L... All right.
What if I reschedule?
342
00:15:14,272 --> 00:15:17,298
Beautiful. Beautiful.
I don't believe it.
343
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,206
Howard: Look, I refused
to leave the room
344
00:15:19,277 --> 00:15:20,642
until she agreed
to be in my film.
345
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,043
I feel stupid.
346
00:15:22,114 --> 00:15:24,412
Seriously, she was the most
enchanting woman I'd ever met.
347
00:15:24,483 --> 00:15:26,644
I'm telling you, I am looking
for the face of an angel.
348
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:27,650
You have
the face of an angel.
349
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,550
[Ghostly Groaning]
350
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:31,919
Howard's Voice: Save me.
351
00:15:34,259 --> 00:15:37,251
Save me.
352
00:15:37,329 --> 00:15:39,456
He comes to me.
353
00:15:39,531 --> 00:15:42,261
He comes to me.
354
00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:45,201
Ahh...
355
00:15:45,270 --> 00:15:47,261
Save me.
356
00:15:47,339 --> 00:15:49,307
[Applause]
357
00:15:53,677 --> 00:15:56,441
We give the award
for best student film
358
00:15:56,514 --> 00:15:59,677
to... Mr. Howard Stern.
359
00:16:04,889 --> 00:16:07,153
I'll tell you,
nothing makes a woman hotter
360
00:16:07,224 --> 00:16:08,987
than to be with
an award- winning filmmaker.
361
00:16:09,059 --> 00:16:10,083
This I know.
362
00:16:10,161 --> 00:16:11,924
And at this point,
I knew I was gonna score.
363
00:16:11,996 --> 00:16:13,361
I mean,
it was fait accompli.
364
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,261
I was in. This was it.
365
00:16:15,332 --> 00:16:18,324
I'm a stud.
She was liquefied.
366
00:16:18,402 --> 00:16:20,199
We did not have sex
on our first date,
367
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,603
although
he was very sexual.
368
00:16:22,673 --> 00:16:24,903
Our sex life
has always been good.
369
00:16:24,975 --> 00:16:28,206
I mean, Howard complains
that his penis is too small,
370
00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:30,770
but his penis size is fine.
371
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:32,782
Howard exaggerates.
372
00:16:32,917 --> 00:16:35,579
[Shivering]
373
00:16:35,653 --> 00:16:37,086
- OK.
- Now hold this and say...
374
00:16:37,154 --> 00:16:38,587
Hi.
Hi, I'm Camille,
375
00:16:38,656 --> 00:16:41,250
and, uh, I'm in Westchester,
New York, and...
376
00:16:41,325 --> 00:16:42,986
This is Howard's
first job interview.
377
00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:45,425
And this is Howard's
first job interview.
378
00:16:45,495 --> 00:16:47,986
Well, he's going to his first
job interview in New York.
379
00:16:48,064 --> 00:16:48,996
- All right...
- [Shivering]
380
00:16:49,065 --> 00:16:49,997
- One more thing.
- Yes?
381
00:16:50,066 --> 00:16:50,998
Can you
take your top off?
382
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:52,364
- No.
- No, I'm serious.
383
00:16:52,435 --> 00:16:54,130
I'm serious. That's what
they want you to do.
384
00:16:54,204 --> 00:16:55,933
- No, they do not.
- Yeah, they do.
385
00:16:56,005 --> 00:16:56,972
- No way.
- No, they do.
386
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,234
Howard did not
tell me...
387
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:01,175
[Aerosmith's
Sweet Emotion Plays]
388
00:17:09,652 --> 00:17:11,586
I'm Moti,
station manager.
389
00:17:11,654 --> 00:17:13,986
- Howard Stern.
- You want to be a disc jockey?
390
00:17:14,057 --> 00:17:15,888
Very much so.
I've wanted to be a disc jockey
391
00:17:15,959 --> 00:17:16,891
since I was
7 years old.
392
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,723
What are you,
an idiot?
393
00:17:18,795 --> 00:17:21,025
No, sir,
I'm not an idiot.
394
00:17:21,097 --> 00:17:24,157
L... In fact, I have a communications
degree from Boston University,
395
00:17:24,234 --> 00:17:25,929
and I would work very hard
for this company
396
00:17:26,002 --> 00:17:26,934
if given
the opportunity to...
397
00:17:27,003 --> 00:17:27,935
You wanted
to see me?
398
00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:29,665
You came late yesterday.
399
00:17:29,739 --> 00:17:32,003
You came late today.
I don't need you. You're fired.
400
00:17:32,075 --> 00:17:33,804
Fuck you.
401
00:17:33,877 --> 00:17:35,002
Good. Fuck you.
402
00:17:35,077 --> 00:17:37,341
You punk!
Fuck you 1,000%% %!
403
00:17:37,412 --> 00:17:38,674
Fuck you
till your asshole
404
00:17:38,747 --> 00:17:40,374
is perfect
donkey asshole!
405
00:17:40,449 --> 00:17:42,076
[Muttering
In Foreign Language]
406
00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:44,175
OK,
you start tomorrow.
407
00:17:44,253 --> 00:17:47,086
10 a.m. To 2 p. M, eh?
408
00:17:47,155 --> 00:17:48,315
Yes.
409
00:17:48,390 --> 00:17:50,358
Pay $96 a week and don't
bring me your problems.
410
00:17:50,425 --> 00:17:51,357
OK.
411
00:17:51,426 --> 00:17:52,620
I'm not psychiatrist.
412
00:17:52,694 --> 00:17:54,685
Thank you very much.
413
00:17:54,763 --> 00:17:57,254
I promise you
I will not disappoint you.
414
00:17:57,332 --> 00:17:58,959
Thank you.
415
00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:00,467
And I start
tomorrow?
416
00:18:00,535 --> 00:18:04,232
Wimpy Voice: Westchester 107,
WRNW 107.
417
00:18:04,306 --> 00:18:08,140
Hi, this is Howard Stern,
and it's 75 degrees presently,
418
00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:10,041
winds out of the northwest.
419
00:18:10,112 --> 00:18:13,775
Chance of precipitation,
85%% % for tonight.
420
00:18:13,849 --> 00:18:15,316
Looks like rain.
421
00:18:15,384 --> 00:18:19,980
Tomorrow, partly sunny
at WRNW, Westchester 107.
422
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,888
[Black Sabbath's
Paranoid Plays]
423
00:18:22,958 --> 00:18:25,756
I was sort of living
with Alison
424
00:18:25,827 --> 00:18:29,353
while she worked on her Master's
of social work, which was really great.
425
00:18:29,430 --> 00:18:31,330
I was also still living
with my parents...
426
00:18:31,399 --> 00:18:32,331
Howard's Mother:
Howard?
427
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:33,332
Which wasn't so great.
428
00:18:33,401 --> 00:18:34,732
Yeah. Yeah, ma?
429
00:18:34,802 --> 00:18:37,236
I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
430
00:18:37,305 --> 00:18:40,172
No, Ma.
There's no smoke in here.
431
00:18:40,241 --> 00:18:43,039
Wimpy Voice:
107 FM, WRNW.
432
00:18:43,110 --> 00:18:45,305
I'm Howard Stern
with you each and every day,
433
00:18:45,379 --> 00:18:47,609
and I've got a great
two for Tuesday.
434
00:18:47,682 --> 00:18:51,584
107 FM... The Ramones...
Gabba gabba wee,
435
00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:52,619
Gabba gabba hey,
436
00:18:52,687 --> 00:18:55,155
Gabba gabba gabba gabba...
437
00:18:55,222 --> 00:18:56,814
[Increases Volume]
438
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,490
Howard, you stink.
439
00:19:07,568 --> 00:19:10,560
I don't mince words.
You will never be a great disc jockey.
440
00:19:10,638 --> 00:19:13,664
You have lousy voice, lousy personality,
and this will not change.
441
00:19:13,741 --> 00:19:16,471
OK? So on the air
is not for you.
442
00:19:16,544 --> 00:19:20,673
But you come on time,
and you are good worker, huh?
443
00:19:20,747 --> 00:19:22,271
So...
444
00:19:22,349 --> 00:19:25,182
how about I make you...
445
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:26,377
program director?
446
00:19:29,756 --> 00:19:31,189
Program director?
447
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,555
Program... director.
448
00:19:33,626 --> 00:19:35,719
You. You.
449
00:19:35,795 --> 00:19:38,127
You run station.
450
00:19:38,198 --> 00:19:39,631
You... sit.
451
00:19:39,699 --> 00:19:41,564
You pick music.
452
00:19:41,634 --> 00:19:43,625
No more $96 a week.
453
00:19:43,703 --> 00:19:45,466
Eh. I pay you...
454
00:19:45,538 --> 00:19:47,028
you, eh?
455
00:19:47,107 --> 00:19:50,235
$250 a week.
456
00:19:50,310 --> 00:19:51,971
[Chuckles]
457
00:19:52,078 --> 00:19:55,115
You be management...
like me.
458
00:19:55,248 --> 00:19:58,149
To be quite honest, I didn't really
want to be a programmer.
459
00:19:58,218 --> 00:20:00,686
But at $250 a week,
I could marry Alison,
460
00:20:00,754 --> 00:20:02,346
and we'd get
a real place together.
461
00:20:02,422 --> 00:20:05,448
Oh, look at her.
I mean, this was a miracle.
462
00:20:05,525 --> 00:20:07,652
Here's this beautiful girl,
463
00:20:07,727 --> 00:20:08,954
I mean, a gorgeous woman,
464
00:20:09,028 --> 00:20:10,427
willing to spend
the rest of her life with me.
465
00:20:10,496 --> 00:20:13,158
I just couldn't
have been happier.
466
00:20:13,232 --> 00:20:16,895
I was the happiest
program director in the world.
467
00:20:16,969 --> 00:20:18,834
Yeah, me.
Program director.
468
00:20:18,904 --> 00:20:20,701
Overnight,
I become the big boss.
469
00:20:20,773 --> 00:20:23,071
Howard Stern,
executive manager.
470
00:20:23,142 --> 00:20:25,201
I had no idea
what I was doing,
471
00:20:25,277 --> 00:20:27,643
no clue what to do
with this job whatsoever,
472
00:20:27,713 --> 00:20:30,181
but I did it, and everyone
bought into it.
473
00:20:30,249 --> 00:20:32,843
They thought I knew what I was doing.
This was great.
474
00:20:32,918 --> 00:20:33,850
Howard.
475
00:20:33,919 --> 00:20:34,886
Oh, hey, Moti.
476
00:20:34,953 --> 00:20:37,421
Advertising is up.
Profit is up.
477
00:20:37,489 --> 00:20:38,717
Oh, great.
478
00:20:38,791 --> 00:20:41,419
As a disc jockey, you're...
you're shit... ha ha ha ha...
479
00:20:41,493 --> 00:20:43,961
But you are a great programmer.
Here, payday.
480
00:20:44,029 --> 00:20:44,996
Thanks, Moti.
481
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:48,898
Listen, I want you
to fire Dickie Davis.
482
00:20:48,967 --> 00:20:49,899
But why?
483
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,492
None of your business.
484
00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:52,730
The guy's got 3 kids.
485
00:20:52,805 --> 00:20:55,330
You want to be management,
you fire him, huh?
486
00:20:55,407 --> 00:20:57,466
It's good to fire someone. It gives
a good message to the others.
487
00:20:57,543 --> 00:20:58,976
Just fire him, huh?
488
00:20:59,044 --> 00:21:01,637
I don't want to fire him.
You fire him.
489
00:21:01,712 --> 00:21:02,644
Howard...
490
00:21:02,713 --> 00:21:04,738
disc jockeys are dogs.
491
00:21:04,816 --> 00:21:07,046
Your job is to make them
fetch, eh?
492
00:21:07,151 --> 00:21:08,914
Now, if you want
to truly be management,
493
00:21:08,986 --> 00:21:10,647
you be a man
and fire him.
494
00:21:10,721 --> 00:21:13,349
Do it. Be a man.
495
00:21:21,866 --> 00:21:24,801
Moti: Tell Dickie Davis
Howard wants to see him now.
496
00:21:24,869 --> 00:21:27,633
[Vomiting]
497
00:21:33,244 --> 00:21:34,643
[Vomiting]
498
00:21:34,712 --> 00:21:36,577
How? Howard?
499
00:21:36,647 --> 00:21:37,579
Don't look.
500
00:21:37,648 --> 00:21:38,808
You OK?
501
00:21:38,883 --> 00:21:41,044
[Coughs]
502
00:21:41,085 --> 00:21:43,781
Let me ask you something.
Would you still love me...
503
00:21:43,855 --> 00:21:45,447
if I gave up
my programming job,
504
00:21:45,523 --> 00:21:47,821
and I stayed on the air,
and I made a lot less money?
505
00:21:47,892 --> 00:21:51,020
Yes. I mean, you know,
I'd have to leave you,
506
00:21:51,095 --> 00:21:53,756
but I'd still love you.
507
00:21:53,830 --> 00:21:55,388
Be serious.
508
00:21:55,465 --> 00:21:59,162
If I make less money, we wouldn't
even be able to afford this apartment.
509
00:21:59,236 --> 00:22:01,761
Well, we can't really
afford the apartment now,
510
00:22:01,838 --> 00:22:03,669
so it doesn't quite matter,
really.
511
00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,264
I guess.
512
00:22:07,477 --> 00:22:10,412
Do what you need to do.
513
00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:13,943
Come on back here,
hold this sign...
514
00:22:14,017 --> 00:22:16,008
right in front of you.
Come on back.
515
00:22:16,086 --> 00:22:18,452
I want you to say
"Howard goes to Hartford
516
00:22:18,522 --> 00:22:21,423
and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."
517
00:22:21,491 --> 00:22:24,187
[Enunciation Unclear]
Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.
518
00:22:24,261 --> 00:22:27,628
"Howard goes to Hartford and becomes
the wacky morning man at WCCC."
519
00:22:27,697 --> 00:22:30,131
Howard goes to Hartford
at W...
520
00:22:30,233 --> 00:22:32,326
All right, all right,
that's not going to work.
521
00:22:32,402 --> 00:22:35,337
Howard comes to Hartford
to become the wacky morning man
522
00:22:35,405 --> 00:22:36,736
at WCCC.
523
00:22:36,806 --> 00:22:38,671
Gary: Let's see
some muscles.
524
00:22:39,743 --> 00:22:41,768
Gary: How about
some back muscles?
525
00:22:41,845 --> 00:22:44,278
Was my voice too deep
doing that?
526
00:22:44,346 --> 00:22:45,278
No. It's very feminine.
527
00:22:55,090 --> 00:22:59,151
WCCC, FM 107 and AM 1290.
528
00:22:59,261 --> 00:23:01,320
My name is Fred Norris,
and, uh...
529
00:23:01,397 --> 00:23:03,558
stick around for
the new guy Howard Stern
530
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,566
And the Howard Stern
program.
531
00:23:07,436 --> 00:23:08,528
Hi.
532
00:23:08,604 --> 00:23:11,402
Oh. Oh, my God.
533
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:13,703
Oh, it's so...
534
00:23:13,776 --> 00:23:14,902
Hi,
I'm Howard Stern.
535
00:23:14,977 --> 00:23:16,638
How you doing?
You're Fred.
536
00:23:16,712 --> 00:23:18,680
I can't believe
how late I am.
537
00:23:18,747 --> 00:23:20,044
Who would've thought?
538
00:23:20,115 --> 00:23:22,640
I'm on the Berlin turnpike,
and I take a left-hand turn,
539
00:23:22,718 --> 00:23:25,949
and I've rehearsed this 500 times,
getting here, and I somehow got lost.
540
00:23:26,021 --> 00:23:26,988
Ohh.
541
00:23:28,257 --> 00:23:29,724
I'm sweating.
542
00:23:29,792 --> 00:23:32,317
I'm so hot.
543
00:23:32,394 --> 00:23:33,691
I'm so tahitzed.
544
00:23:33,762 --> 00:23:35,786
[Sighs] I'm hot.
545
00:23:37,799 --> 00:23:40,734
I was planning
on being on time.
546
00:23:43,671 --> 00:23:45,104
Whoo, man.
547
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:47,903
Whoo-oo-oo...
548
00:23:47,976 --> 00:23:52,436
107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC.
Good morning.
549
00:23:52,513 --> 00:23:55,141
My name is Howard Stern.
I'm the new morning man on CCC.
550
00:23:55,216 --> 00:23:57,810
Sitting with me,
uh, Mr. Ringo...
551
00:23:57,885 --> 00:24:01,582
Mr. Ringo Starr,
and he's here in the studio.
552
00:24:01,656 --> 00:24:02,623
Hi, Ringo.
553
00:24:02,690 --> 00:24:04,180
[Lmitates Ringo]
How you doin', me love?
554
00:24:04,259 --> 00:24:06,124
I wish you'd play us a little
Wipeout this morning,
555
00:24:06,194 --> 00:24:07,320
Wake everybody up.
556
00:24:12,166 --> 00:24:14,327
Oh, yeah,
that was great, Ringo.
557
00:24:14,402 --> 00:24:16,597
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107.
558
00:24:16,671 --> 00:24:18,104
This is Cheap Trick.
559
00:24:18,172 --> 00:24:20,231
[Cheap Trick Song Plays]
560
00:24:21,609 --> 00:24:23,304
Ohh. Thank you.
561
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:25,538
Whoa.
562
00:24:25,612 --> 00:24:27,842
Howard: Hartford ended up
being OK, you know.
563
00:24:27,914 --> 00:24:29,438
I mean, Fred seemed
to really like me.
564
00:24:29,516 --> 00:24:31,006
I mean, I think
he really liked me.
565
00:24:31,084 --> 00:24:32,779
The guy's like wallpaper.
Who can get a read on him?
566
00:24:32,853 --> 00:24:34,582
And Alison, well,
she got a job right away.
567
00:24:34,655 --> 00:24:37,590
Now, if you wanted
to buy liver for dinner,
568
00:24:37,658 --> 00:24:39,091
what would you do?
569
00:24:39,159 --> 00:24:41,252
Go to the...
supermarket?
570
00:24:41,361 --> 00:24:43,852
That's right.
And then what?
571
00:24:43,930 --> 00:24:45,659
This afternoon...
Gray skies,
572
00:24:45,732 --> 00:24:48,667
occasional showers,
and precipitation.
573
00:24:48,735 --> 00:24:50,726
Highs near 75.
574
00:24:50,804 --> 00:24:52,999
It's going to be
raining like cats...
575
00:24:53,073 --> 00:24:54,768
[lmitating Cat
And Chicken]
576
00:24:54,841 --> 00:24:56,775
And chickens,
I don't think so.
577
00:24:56,843 --> 00:24:57,901
[Lmitating Dog]
578
00:24:57,978 --> 00:24:59,240
And dogs.
579
00:24:59,313 --> 00:25:00,940
WCCC also wants
to remind you
580
00:25:01,014 --> 00:25:02,777
that our new sponsor
Stanley Sport,
581
00:25:02,849 --> 00:25:05,909
um, is a great place
to go.
582
00:25:05,986 --> 00:25:07,920
You know, I got to tell you something.
When I was a child,
583
00:25:07,988 --> 00:25:10,081
I used to go to Stanley Sport
all the time.
584
00:25:10,157 --> 00:25:11,647
I loved Stanley Sport.
585
00:25:11,725 --> 00:25:14,285
My parents would take me through there,
and we just had a great time.
586
00:25:14,394 --> 00:25:15,952
And we could walk out
with tons of stuff
587
00:25:16,029 --> 00:25:18,223
even though my parents
didn't make a lot of money.
588
00:25:18,297 --> 00:25:19,889
Oh.
589
00:25:19,965 --> 00:25:22,593
And, uh, "There's only
one Stanley Sports,
590
00:25:22,668 --> 00:25:24,966
"and the grand opening
is this weekend.
591
00:25:25,037 --> 00:25:27,130
Mark it on your calendar."
592
00:25:28,641 --> 00:25:30,268
The grand opening
is this...
593
00:25:30,343 --> 00:25:33,312
I just realized, uh... that makes
no sense what I just said.
594
00:25:33,379 --> 00:25:35,711
I just told you I went there as a kid,
and now the grand opening...
595
00:25:35,781 --> 00:25:39,308
Well, I just...
I think I was just caught in a lie.
596
00:25:39,418 --> 00:25:41,750
Oh, boy. You know
what the truth is?
597
00:25:41,821 --> 00:25:44,415
I'm a disc jockey
who makes $250 a week,
598
00:25:44,490 --> 00:25:46,651
and I just want to do
the right thing here on the air.
599
00:25:46,726 --> 00:25:49,695
I don't want to get fired,
so, uh, I guess I lied to you,
600
00:25:49,762 --> 00:25:52,890
but, uh, I'll never let that
happen again. You know what I mean?
601
00:25:52,965 --> 00:25:54,557
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.
602
00:25:56,569 --> 00:25:58,730
Seriously, I heard
the show today.
603
00:25:58,804 --> 00:26:00,465
I think you're
really getting good.
604
00:26:00,539 --> 00:26:02,006
What part did you
like in particular?
605
00:26:02,074 --> 00:26:04,872
Was it the Chinese guy calling in
for the Doobie Brothers tickets?
606
00:26:04,944 --> 00:26:08,538
You know when you did that ad,
when you were just being yourself?
607
00:26:08,613 --> 00:26:09,944
That's what
you liked?
608
00:26:10,014 --> 00:26:11,641
Yeah.
609
00:26:11,716 --> 00:26:13,115
Really?
610
00:26:13,184 --> 00:26:15,015
It was funny.
611
00:26:15,153 --> 00:26:18,714
# Gonna use my arms,
gonna use my legs... #
612
00:26:18,790 --> 00:26:20,052
Howard: Little by little,
613
00:26:20,125 --> 00:26:21,353
our ratings
actually improved,
614
00:26:21,459 --> 00:26:23,359
and before long,
I got to interview
615
00:26:23,461 --> 00:26:24,860
my first real
semifamous celebrity,
616
00:26:24,929 --> 00:26:27,193
"B" movie star
Brittany Fairchild.
617
00:26:27,265 --> 00:26:28,527
While I'm
interviewing her,
618
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:29,862
she actually invites me
619
00:26:29,934 --> 00:26:31,902
to go to a premiere
for her movie.
620
00:26:31,970 --> 00:26:33,437
I remember
how embarrassing it was
621
00:26:33,505 --> 00:26:35,200
because nobody
knew who I was.
622
00:26:35,273 --> 00:26:36,467
I'm escorting
this woman around,
623
00:26:36,541 --> 00:26:38,304
and none of these people
know who I am.
624
00:26:38,376 --> 00:26:40,970
They just think she has
some ugly boyfriend, you know?
625
00:26:41,045 --> 00:26:43,377
But who cared?
I mean, it was exciting.
626
00:26:58,096 --> 00:27:00,859
Woman In Movie: Hello?
627
00:27:06,870 --> 00:27:08,531
I'm here for the shoot.
628
00:27:13,343 --> 00:27:14,571
Is anybody there?
629
00:27:19,917 --> 00:27:21,851
Hello?
630
00:27:23,854 --> 00:27:25,685
Howard: Ohh.
631
00:27:27,624 --> 00:27:29,819
My back hurts.
632
00:27:29,893 --> 00:27:33,158
Would you mind taking me
back to my hotel room?
633
00:27:34,565 --> 00:27:36,032
I know this director,
634
00:27:36,099 --> 00:27:37,828
and he told me that
when he was little,
635
00:27:37,901 --> 00:27:39,835
his mother
killed his sister,
636
00:27:39,903 --> 00:27:41,632
but was never charged.
637
00:27:41,705 --> 00:27:42,637
Wow.
638
00:27:42,706 --> 00:27:44,765
Come in.
639
00:27:45,909 --> 00:27:48,343
Come in.
640
00:27:52,782 --> 00:27:54,511
- It's nice.
- Sit down.
641
00:27:55,885 --> 00:27:57,182
[Keys Jangle]
642
00:27:57,253 --> 00:27:59,346
I'll be right back.
643
00:27:59,422 --> 00:28:00,480
OK.
644
00:28:07,129 --> 00:28:08,528
Hey, man.
645
00:28:08,598 --> 00:28:10,828
Free drinks.
646
00:28:12,502 --> 00:28:14,231
Ahem.
647
00:28:15,371 --> 00:28:16,770
[Faucet Squeaks]
648
00:28:16,839 --> 00:28:19,364
[Water Running]
649
00:28:19,442 --> 00:28:21,376
What the hell
is she doing?
650
00:28:23,579 --> 00:28:25,513
I think she's
running a bath.
651
00:28:32,855 --> 00:28:36,052
Oh, my God, man,
she's taking her clothes off.
652
00:28:36,125 --> 00:28:38,320
I guess she forgot
to close the door.
653
00:28:38,394 --> 00:28:39,759
Well, she's
a Hollywood actress.
654
00:28:39,829 --> 00:28:41,194
They have a lot
on their mind.
655
00:28:42,397 --> 00:28:44,991
Oh, my God.
656
00:28:48,136 --> 00:28:49,865
Oh, is she cute.
657
00:28:51,106 --> 00:28:52,095
Brittany: Howard?
658
00:28:52,173 --> 00:28:53,162
Yes?
659
00:28:53,241 --> 00:28:55,141
Could you come here
for a second?
660
00:29:09,991 --> 00:29:11,288
Oh. Hi.
661
00:29:11,359 --> 00:29:13,987
My shoulders tense up
when I travel.
662
00:29:14,062 --> 00:29:15,825
Would you mind
rubbing them for a minute?
663
00:29:15,897 --> 00:29:17,694
Works best when
I'm in a hot bath.
664
00:29:17,766 --> 00:29:19,563
It helps
relax the muscles.
665
00:29:19,634 --> 00:29:23,001
I don't know
if that's OK or not.
666
00:29:23,071 --> 00:29:26,336
Please.
It really hurts.
667
00:29:28,376 --> 00:29:30,674
Look, I don't know
that I can do this.
668
00:29:30,745 --> 00:29:32,372
I'll tell you what,
I'll just kneel over here,
669
00:29:32,447 --> 00:29:34,346
and I'll rub your shoulders
from back here.
670
00:29:34,415 --> 00:29:36,975
No. Sit behind me
in the tub.
671
00:29:37,051 --> 00:29:38,348
Oh, I can't do that.
672
00:29:38,419 --> 00:29:40,182
Why not?
673
00:29:40,254 --> 00:29:43,052
Well, for one thing,
my clothes are gonna get all wet.
674
00:29:43,123 --> 00:29:46,820
Well, then I guess
you better take them off.
675
00:29:46,894 --> 00:29:49,829
I got to tell you something.
You are gorgeous,
676
00:29:49,897 --> 00:29:51,421
And... And you're a great actress
and everything,
677
00:29:51,498 --> 00:29:53,966
but I got a wife at home.
I can't cheat on my wife.
678
00:29:54,034 --> 00:29:56,195
Then leave
your underwear on.
679
00:29:56,270 --> 00:29:58,261
What?
680
00:29:58,339 --> 00:30:01,604
If you leave your underwear on,
then you can't cheat.
681
00:30:01,675 --> 00:30:03,336
It's just like
going swimming.
682
00:30:03,410 --> 00:30:04,843
Howard: I don't know
what it was,
683
00:30:04,912 --> 00:30:07,472
but she started
making a lot of sense.
684
00:30:07,548 --> 00:30:08,810
I really
need your help.
685
00:30:08,882 --> 00:30:11,646
My back
really hurts.
686
00:30:11,719 --> 00:30:13,778
Fred: She's right.
687
00:30:16,223 --> 00:30:18,487
Could you start
with my shoulders?
688
00:30:21,929 --> 00:30:23,487
Ahh...
689
00:30:23,564 --> 00:30:24,860
yeah.
690
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:27,291
Mmm.
691
00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:30,234
Can you come around
my sides?
692
00:30:30,303 --> 00:30:32,635
I think I pulled a muscle
in my rib cage.
693
00:30:34,807 --> 00:30:37,241
Mmm.
694
00:30:38,444 --> 00:30:40,639
Howard...
695
00:30:45,952 --> 00:30:48,113
I know how to give
a man pleasure.
696
00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:50,788
Mmm.
697
00:30:52,191 --> 00:30:53,681
Ooh. Oh.
698
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:55,489
Pleasure.
699
00:30:57,630 --> 00:30:59,655
Oh. Oh, wow.
700
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:02,064
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
701
00:31:02,135 --> 00:31:03,602
Stop that. Stop.
702
00:31:03,670 --> 00:31:05,160
Oh, whoa.
703
00:31:05,238 --> 00:31:06,205
Oh, man.
704
00:31:06,272 --> 00:31:08,365
Wow. Thank you.
Oh, my.
705
00:31:08,441 --> 00:31:10,272
Thanks. Thanks...
Thanks for everything.
706
00:31:10,343 --> 00:31:11,605
Listen, the premiere
and everything.
707
00:31:11,678 --> 00:31:12,838
Oh, my God.
708
00:31:12,912 --> 00:31:14,937
I just...
I just got to go.
709
00:31:15,014 --> 00:31:17,174
You know, it was a great
interview on the radio.
710
00:31:17,249 --> 00:31:18,910
Thanks... Thanks...
Thank you.
711
00:31:18,984 --> 00:31:20,212
I really got to go.
712
00:31:20,285 --> 00:31:21,684
Good-bye!
713
00:31:21,753 --> 00:31:22,777
[Door Closes]
714
00:31:22,854 --> 00:31:23,843
# I'll take you there #
715
00:31:23,922 --> 00:31:25,890
# Oh, oh #
716
00:31:25,957 --> 00:31:27,083
# Oh! #
717
00:31:27,159 --> 00:31:29,184
# I'll take you there #
718
00:31:30,896 --> 00:31:32,295
# Oh! Oh! Oh! #
719
00:31:32,364 --> 00:31:33,956
# I'll take you there #
720
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:36,560
# Mercy now #
721
00:31:36,635 --> 00:31:37,761
# I'll take you there #
722
00:31:37,836 --> 00:31:39,201
# I'm callin',
callin' #
723
00:31:39,271 --> 00:31:41,535
# Callin'
for mercy #
724
00:31:41,606 --> 00:31:43,631
# I'll take you there #
725
00:31:43,709 --> 00:31:45,540
# Mercy, mercy #
726
00:31:45,610 --> 00:31:47,703
[Scrubbing]
727
00:31:47,779 --> 00:31:48,803
Hi.
728
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,313
Hey. How was it?
729
00:31:50,382 --> 00:31:51,872
So bad. So horrible.
730
00:31:51,950 --> 00:31:53,645
I just had
the worst night of my life.
731
00:31:53,719 --> 00:31:56,244
I mean, I can't even begin
to tell you how miserable I am.
732
00:31:56,321 --> 00:31:57,948
It is so late.
I got to get to bed.
733
00:31:58,023 --> 00:31:59,513
I mean, no one
realizes I got to be up
734
00:31:59,591 --> 00:32:01,081
at 4:00 in the morning
in that radio station.
735
00:32:01,159 --> 00:32:02,490
I can't believe
how late it is.
736
00:32:02,561 --> 00:32:03,960
- Go up and get in...
- OK.
737
00:32:04,029 --> 00:32:05,155
L... I just...
738
00:32:05,230 --> 00:32:07,789
I just need to rest.
I need to get some sleep.
739
00:32:07,865 --> 00:32:09,127
Horrible.
740
00:32:11,902 --> 00:32:13,961
God, let me
get away with this,
741
00:32:14,038 --> 00:32:18,236
and I swear I'll never stray
from Alison again. Never.
742
00:32:18,309 --> 00:32:19,901
Howard On Radio: I just want
to thank someone this morning.
743
00:32:19,977 --> 00:32:21,376
I want to thank
Brittany Fairchild
744
00:32:21,445 --> 00:32:22,707
For having myself
and Fred
745
00:32:22,780 --> 00:32:24,771
out to, uh, her new movie.
It was really good.
746
00:32:24,849 --> 00:32:26,749
Fred, what'd you think
of the movie?
747
00:32:26,817 --> 00:32:28,307
Fred: I was very moved.
748
00:32:28,385 --> 00:32:30,216
I think a lot of us
were moved last night.
749
00:32:30,287 --> 00:32:33,120
CCC, AM 1290, FM 107...
750
00:32:57,648 --> 00:33:00,013
It's the fifth-largest market
in the United States,
751
00:33:00,083 --> 00:33:01,550
and they want me
to start tomorrow,
752
00:33:01,618 --> 00:33:03,108
which is a good sign,
I think.
753
00:33:03,186 --> 00:33:04,585
That means they're,
you know,
754
00:33:04,654 --> 00:33:07,088
they're really desperate
for me, which I like.
755
00:33:07,157 --> 00:33:10,888
And they say they're gonna move the
building to the best part of the city,
756
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,861
which I think is good, too...
You know, pump money into the facility.
757
00:33:13,930 --> 00:33:15,591
And the station manager
says we are gonna be
758
00:33:15,665 --> 00:33:17,929
the most aggressive
radio station in Detroit.
759
00:33:18,001 --> 00:33:20,697
We are gonna dominate
the marketplace, which I lo...
760
00:33:26,075 --> 00:33:27,872
Are these yours?
761
00:33:30,580 --> 00:33:33,014
They're wet.
762
00:33:39,689 --> 00:33:42,157
Howard: Alison's not
coming to Detroit.
763
00:33:42,225 --> 00:33:44,455
I should have
just come home
764
00:33:44,527 --> 00:33:46,495
and told my wife everything,
admitted the truth,
765
00:33:46,563 --> 00:33:48,554
'cause now my wife
doesn't even trust me anymore,
766
00:33:48,631 --> 00:33:50,621
and I don't blame her because
I don't trust me, either.
767
00:33:50,699 --> 00:33:54,260
I'm a stupid idiot.
I'm so stupid!
768
00:33:54,336 --> 00:33:55,928
What am I gonna do?
769
00:33:56,004 --> 00:33:57,906
I don't know.
770
00:33:59,908 --> 00:34:01,808
I can always
count on you for help, man.
771
00:34:01,877 --> 00:34:03,276
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
772
00:34:09,017 --> 00:34:12,316
Listen, man, as soon as I get
to Detroit and things start happenin',
773
00:34:12,387 --> 00:34:14,878
I'm gonna get these guys
to hire you, all right?
774
00:34:14,957 --> 00:34:16,185
OK.
775
00:34:16,258 --> 00:34:19,159
Fred, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna forget ya.
776
00:34:19,228 --> 00:34:20,456
Bye.
777
00:34:27,269 --> 00:34:29,999
[Ted Nugent's
Cat Scratch Fever Plays]
778
00:34:35,344 --> 00:34:37,209
# Cat scratch fever... #
779
00:34:37,279 --> 00:34:38,769
Howard.
How you doing, man?
780
00:34:38,847 --> 00:34:40,041
How you doing, Marvin?
781
00:34:40,115 --> 00:34:41,843
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
782
00:34:41,916 --> 00:34:44,384
Hey, Patricia Fonfara,
meet Howard Stern. Your newslady.
783
00:34:44,452 --> 00:34:46,613
Hi. I'm really looking forward
to working with you.
784
00:34:46,687 --> 00:34:48,154
The Duke of rock's
just finishing up,
785
00:34:48,222 --> 00:34:50,213
and then we're gonna
get right inside, so...
786
00:34:50,291 --> 00:34:52,191
Hey, Marvin, what happened
to the new building?
787
00:34:52,260 --> 00:34:53,727
I told you, we're gonna
build a new building.
788
00:34:53,794 --> 00:34:56,160
First we got to build
an audience. Heh.
789
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,700
Hey, the Duke of rock's
gettin' ready to walk,
790
00:35:01,769 --> 00:35:03,396
but I want you
to stick around,
791
00:35:03,471 --> 00:35:06,872
because we got
a brand-new morning man...
792
00:35:06,941 --> 00:35:09,375
looks like Big Bird
to me...
793
00:35:09,443 --> 00:35:10,933
coming next
794
00:35:11,012 --> 00:35:14,539
on W4106 FM.
795
00:35:14,615 --> 00:35:16,276
What's happening, man?
796
00:35:16,350 --> 00:35:17,783
Come on in, Big Bird.
797
00:35:17,852 --> 00:35:19,877
How you doing, man?
Good to see ya.
798
00:35:19,987 --> 00:35:22,854
How's things? What's that?
You're gonna do what?
799
00:35:22,924 --> 00:35:24,858
Is that ri... Well, now,
how about that, kiddies?
800
00:35:24,926 --> 00:35:27,724
He's gonna have Kermit the Frog
come in here and sing the Alphabet Song,
801
00:35:27,795 --> 00:35:28,727
isn't that somethin'?
802
00:35:28,796 --> 00:35:30,457
Coming up next
on the Big Bird show.
803
00:35:30,531 --> 00:35:32,158
I got to go. See you
at midnight tonight.
804
00:35:32,233 --> 00:35:33,494
This is the Duke of rock
saying,
805
00:35:33,566 --> 00:35:35,261
If you can't be good,
be bad, baby.
806
00:35:35,335 --> 00:35:36,461
Bye.
807
00:35:38,071 --> 00:35:39,834
Hi. How you doing?
808
00:35:39,906 --> 00:35:41,840
Howard Stern.
Nice to see you.
809
00:35:41,908 --> 00:35:43,899
Listened to your show
last night. It was great.
810
00:35:44,010 --> 00:35:45,443
Lookin' forward
to working with you.
811
00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:47,639
Don't hurt yourself,
man.
812
00:35:47,714 --> 00:35:49,511
OK, thanks.
Thank you.
813
00:35:49,582 --> 00:35:51,049
[Door Closes]
814
00:35:51,117 --> 00:35:52,106
Thank you.
815
00:35:52,185 --> 00:35:53,277
What am I
thanking him for?
816
00:35:53,353 --> 00:35:54,513
Howard: So let's review.
817
00:35:54,587 --> 00:35:56,214
My life sucked,
818
00:35:56,289 --> 00:35:57,654
Alison dumped me,
819
00:35:57,724 --> 00:35:59,453
I didn't know if she'd
ever come back to me,
820
00:35:59,526 --> 00:36:01,426
and now this dickwad
is calling me Big Bird.
821
00:36:01,494 --> 00:36:03,985
106 FM, WWWW.
822
00:36:04,064 --> 00:36:06,123
I don't know.
Something in me just snapped.
823
00:36:06,199 --> 00:36:07,632
My name
is Howard Stern,
824
00:36:07,701 --> 00:36:09,669
and welcome to
the new morning show.
825
00:36:09,736 --> 00:36:11,203
And we have
a new feature for you.
826
00:36:11,271 --> 00:36:13,171
This is, uh,
something special.
827
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,731
We have a traffic copter now
here at WWWW.
828
00:36:16,810 --> 00:36:19,973
Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day
in the traffic copter.
829
00:36:20,046 --> 00:36:21,479
Mama, you there?
830
00:36:21,548 --> 00:36:22,776
Hello? Mama? Uh.
831
00:36:22,849 --> 00:36:24,110
[Helicopter Flying
Sound Effect]
832
00:36:24,183 --> 00:36:25,616
Hello?
833
00:36:25,684 --> 00:36:28,050
[Doing Mama's Voice] Yes, hello.
This is Mama Look-a boo boo day,
834
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:32,079
the only black traffic reporter
in the Detroit area,
835
00:36:32,157 --> 00:36:33,681
I'm proud to say.
836
00:36:33,759 --> 00:36:35,886
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance this morning, Mama.
837
00:36:35,961 --> 00:36:38,828
Tell me, uh, what's going on
in the traffic?
838
00:36:38,897 --> 00:36:41,525
First, a political
statement, if I may.
839
00:36:44,303 --> 00:36:46,897
Kill, Kill, Kill...
840
00:36:46,972 --> 00:36:48,166
The White Man,
841
00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:51,266
by Eugene
Mama Look-a boo boo day.
842
00:36:51,343 --> 00:36:53,777
Eugene is my pen name 'cause
I wrote this while I was in the pen.
843
00:36:53,846 --> 00:36:55,746
OK, here we go.
844
00:37:00,786 --> 00:37:04,017
Kill, kill,
kill the white man.
845
00:37:08,293 --> 00:37:11,319
Kill him
until he is dead.
846
00:37:13,098 --> 00:37:14,725
Kill the white man.
847
00:37:17,635 --> 00:37:19,296
Thank you.
848
00:37:19,370 --> 00:37:23,101
[Jimi Hendrix's All Along
The Watchtower Plays]
849
00:37:25,043 --> 00:37:28,740
Yeah, hi. Can I speak
to Alison Stern, please?
850
00:37:28,813 --> 00:37:31,281
Her husband Howard.
851
00:37:31,349 --> 00:37:32,839
It's Howard.
852
00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:37,881
Hello?
853
00:37:37,955 --> 00:37:42,483
# There must be some
kind of way out of here #
854
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:45,028
# Said the joker
to the thief #
855
00:37:46,697 --> 00:37:49,689
# There's
too much confusion #
856
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:55,031
# I can't get no relief #
857
00:37:55,106 --> 00:37:57,165
# Businessmen, they'll #
858
00:37:57,241 --> 00:37:58,970
# They'll drink my wine #
859
00:37:59,043 --> 00:38:01,773
# Plowmen dig my earth... #
860
00:38:01,846 --> 00:38:03,541
[Siren]
861
00:38:03,614 --> 00:38:05,514
You talk too much.
862
00:38:05,583 --> 00:38:07,209
And very important,
863
00:38:07,284 --> 00:38:09,377
I want the time
and the temperature
864
00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,650
4 times every 15 minutes,
not 3. 4.
865
00:38:12,722 --> 00:38:15,486
My grandmother
died last night.
866
00:38:15,559 --> 00:38:18,494
I spent all night with her
in the hospital.
867
00:38:20,497 --> 00:38:22,556
She... She
had a car accident.
868
00:38:24,234 --> 00:38:25,531
By the way, uh...
869
00:38:25,602 --> 00:38:28,230
It's 6:45. Temperature
is, uh, 58 degrees.
870
00:38:28,305 --> 00:38:29,704
# No reason
to get excited #
871
00:38:29,773 --> 00:38:31,764
Anyway, her head
went through the windshield.
872
00:38:31,842 --> 00:38:33,309
You know, it's funny,
but her last words...
873
00:38:33,376 --> 00:38:35,674
# The thief,
he kindly spoke #
874
00:38:37,013 --> 00:38:39,914
# There are many here
among us #
875
00:38:39,983 --> 00:38:41,348
I want you back
so bad...
876
00:38:41,418 --> 00:38:45,377
# Who feel that life
is but a joke #
877
00:38:45,455 --> 00:38:49,653
# But you and I,
we've been through that #
878
00:38:49,726 --> 00:38:51,216
# And this not our fate... #
879
00:38:51,294 --> 00:38:52,727
Howard: I had, like,
no listeners,
880
00:38:52,796 --> 00:38:54,491
and the couple of listeners
I did have
881
00:38:54,564 --> 00:38:56,361
Would call in and tell me
how bad I sucked
882
00:38:56,433 --> 00:38:57,922
on a regular basis.
883
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,628
Although, I did manage to convince
one of them to be my weather lady.
884
00:39:00,703 --> 00:39:02,295
Irene...
the weather girl.
885
00:39:02,371 --> 00:39:03,633
Irene,
are you there?
886
00:39:03,706 --> 00:39:05,901
It's cold, real cold,
887
00:39:05,975 --> 00:39:08,136
but your ass
is gonna be plenty hot
888
00:39:08,210 --> 00:39:10,337
when I give you a good,
hard butt-whipping.
889
00:39:10,412 --> 00:39:11,606
Tongue.
890
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:13,409
What do you think
about that?
891
00:39:13,482 --> 00:39:15,416
Turns you on, doesn't it,
you little maggot?
892
00:39:15,484 --> 00:39:16,473
Yeah.
893
00:39:16,552 --> 00:39:18,281
Irene, thank you
for the weather forecast.
894
00:39:18,354 --> 00:39:19,286
Shut up.
895
00:39:19,355 --> 00:39:20,822
We hope to hear
from you tomorrow...
896
00:39:20,890 --> 00:39:22,084
Give us some
more weather.
897
00:39:22,158 --> 00:39:24,353
Bite me, you loser.
898
00:39:32,701 --> 00:39:35,499
You shaved
your mustache.
899
00:39:37,072 --> 00:39:38,130
Jeez. Alison.
900
00:39:40,042 --> 00:39:41,669
It's great to see you.
901
00:39:41,744 --> 00:39:43,371
Al, I miss you so much.
902
00:39:43,445 --> 00:39:45,242
I'm feelin' so miserable
since you left.
903
00:39:45,314 --> 00:39:47,373
I am just so uncomfortable
in this Detroit. I'm...
904
00:39:47,449 --> 00:39:48,711
Howard...
905
00:39:48,784 --> 00:39:50,978
I'm willing to believe
you didn't sleep with that girl.
906
00:39:51,052 --> 00:39:54,283
OK? And I understand
you're a somewhat abnormal person
907
00:39:54,355 --> 00:39:56,585
with a somewhat abnormal job.
That I can accept.
908
00:39:56,658 --> 00:39:58,523
I deal with abnormality
every single day.
909
00:39:58,593 --> 00:40:00,458
I don't need everything
in my life to be normal.
910
00:40:00,528 --> 00:40:02,723
And on the air,
you do what you do. That's your job.
911
00:40:02,797 --> 00:40:06,460
But off the air,
for me to be in this marriage...
912
00:40:06,534 --> 00:40:09,162
I need to know
I'm the only one.
913
00:40:09,237 --> 00:40:11,228
And I'm not saying that
to pressure you.
914
00:40:11,306 --> 00:40:14,867
I'm saying it because it's
just something I know about myself.
915
00:40:14,943 --> 00:40:17,241
So... if you need more time
or whatever...
916
00:40:17,312 --> 00:40:19,746
I don't need
any more time.
917
00:40:19,814 --> 00:40:22,510
I am just so madly
in love with you.
918
00:40:22,584 --> 00:40:25,314
I don't... I don't need
anyone else in my life.
919
00:40:25,386 --> 00:40:27,217
I never wanted
anyone else in my life.
920
00:40:27,288 --> 00:40:28,880
All I want is you.
921
00:40:28,957 --> 00:40:31,858
I just want you
to forgive me.
922
00:40:36,164 --> 00:40:38,099
Thanks for coming back.
923
00:40:38,199 --> 00:40:39,427
Wow.
924
00:40:42,603 --> 00:40:45,572
Come on, you guys.
Right up here looks perfect.
925
00:40:45,639 --> 00:40:47,038
Howard:
Isn't Alison amazing?
926
00:40:47,107 --> 00:40:48,631
She's in town,
like, 2 minutes,
927
00:40:48,709 --> 00:40:52,645
and already she's got a job
working with a bunch of wackos.
928
00:40:52,713 --> 00:40:55,181
Excuse me.
Mentally challenged.
929
00:40:55,215 --> 00:40:57,581
Nice day, huh?
930
00:40:57,651 --> 00:40:59,516
What can I do
to help here?
931
00:40:59,586 --> 00:41:01,611
Well, I'm gonna
set up lunch...
932
00:41:01,688 --> 00:41:02,655
OK.
933
00:41:02,723 --> 00:41:05,351
And you can play frisbee
with the guys.
934
00:41:05,425 --> 00:41:08,189
Start again.
Here we go.
935
00:41:08,228 --> 00:41:10,492
Oh. I'm so sorry.
936
00:41:10,564 --> 00:41:12,498
Listen, what you
got to do is,
937
00:41:12,566 --> 00:41:14,158
you got to put
this hand up, OK?
938
00:41:14,234 --> 00:41:16,099
And you got to try
and catch it, OK?
939
00:41:16,169 --> 00:41:18,069
All right,
here we go.
940
00:41:18,138 --> 00:41:19,730
Ready? Here we go.
941
00:41:21,875 --> 00:41:23,342
I'm so sorry.
942
00:41:24,678 --> 00:41:26,612
You know what
we're gonna do?
943
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:29,080
Just tell me that you're ready.
Are you ready?
944
00:41:29,149 --> 00:41:30,548
Y-Yes.
945
00:41:32,218 --> 00:41:33,913
Howard! Howard!
946
00:41:33,986 --> 00:41:34,918
Marvin.
947
00:41:34,987 --> 00:41:36,852
I was hoping
I'd find you here.
948
00:41:36,922 --> 00:41:38,719
I have some
very exciting news!
949
00:41:38,791 --> 00:41:40,383
Oh. Are you
all right?
950
00:41:40,459 --> 00:41:41,517
Yeah. Yeah.
951
00:41:41,594 --> 00:41:42,788
That was good.
952
00:41:42,862 --> 00:41:45,695
You just got to wait
till somebody looks, OK?
953
00:41:45,765 --> 00:41:49,929
Hoo. Uh, well, we decided that
Detroit has too many rock stations,
954
00:41:50,002 --> 00:41:52,527
so starting tomorrow
we're starting a new format,
955
00:41:52,605 --> 00:41:54,573
and it'll give us
a real great edge.
956
00:41:56,342 --> 00:41:58,242
[Country Music Playing]
957
00:41:58,277 --> 00:42:00,211
[Yodeling]
# Ooh ooh #
958
00:42:00,279 --> 00:42:03,009
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
959
00:42:03,082 --> 00:42:05,050
# Ooh doo #
960
00:42:05,117 --> 00:42:06,948
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #
961
00:42:07,019 --> 00:42:09,385
# Doo doo ooh #
962
00:42:09,455 --> 00:42:10,444
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee... #
963
00:42:10,523 --> 00:42:11,922
Howdy, cowpokes.
964
00:42:11,991 --> 00:42:14,050
Uh, I know I shouldn't be
interrupting in the middle of a song,
965
00:42:14,126 --> 00:42:15,457
but I got to
tell you something.
966
00:42:15,528 --> 00:42:17,462
I know a lot of you out there
really love this music,
967
00:42:17,530 --> 00:42:18,963
but I just don't get it.
968
00:42:19,031 --> 00:42:20,191
Explain it to me.
969
00:42:20,266 --> 00:42:22,200
And maybe it's 'cause
I went to college,
970
00:42:22,268 --> 00:42:24,201
and I never drove a truck
971
00:42:24,269 --> 00:42:27,136
and had sex with
my daddy's sister, but...
972
00:42:27,205 --> 00:42:29,298
I guess what I'm
trying to say is, I...
973
00:42:29,407 --> 00:42:30,965
I don't think
I'm the man for this job.
974
00:42:31,042 --> 00:42:34,773
So this is your old pal
Hopalong Howie saying I quit.
975
00:42:34,846 --> 00:42:36,143
L... I think I quit.
976
00:42:36,214 --> 00:42:38,512
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
977
00:42:38,583 --> 00:42:41,177
# Ooh doo #
978
00:42:41,252 --> 00:42:43,220
# Doo-doop
doo-doo-doo #
979
00:42:43,288 --> 00:42:45,483
# Doo doo ooh #
980
00:42:45,557 --> 00:42:47,923
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
dee dee #
981
00:42:47,992 --> 00:42:49,289
# Oh #
982
00:42:49,394 --> 00:42:51,328
# Dee dee dee #
983
00:42:53,231 --> 00:42:54,926
What?
984
00:42:54,999 --> 00:42:56,057
Nothing.
985
00:42:59,337 --> 00:43:00,395
[Door Closes]
986
00:43:07,212 --> 00:43:08,577
What is it?
987
00:43:08,646 --> 00:43:10,409
I feel like
such a loser.
988
00:43:10,482 --> 00:43:13,178
It's not your fault.
It was a lame station.
989
00:43:13,251 --> 00:43:14,615
Yeah, it was my fault.
990
00:43:14,685 --> 00:43:16,880
You can't blame a radio station.
It's my screwup.
991
00:43:16,954 --> 00:43:18,216
In what way?
992
00:43:18,288 --> 00:43:20,222
In a way that I gotta
figure out what I'm gonna be.
993
00:43:20,290 --> 00:43:22,258
I mean, I don't want to be
one of these disc jockeys
994
00:43:22,326 --> 00:43:25,523
that runs around the country, you know,
looking for work all the time.
995
00:43:25,596 --> 00:43:27,962
I don't want to end up like that.
It's so sad.
996
00:43:28,031 --> 00:43:30,295
It's so apparent to me now
what I should be doing.
997
00:43:30,367 --> 00:43:32,130
I should be talking
about my personal life.
998
00:43:32,202 --> 00:43:34,136
I've got to get intimate.
999
00:43:34,204 --> 00:43:36,434
And every time I feel like
I shouldn't say something,
1000
00:43:36,507 --> 00:43:38,566
maybe I should just say it,
just blurt it out, you know?
1001
00:43:38,642 --> 00:43:41,372
I just got to
let things fly.
1002
00:43:41,445 --> 00:43:43,379
I got to go all the way.
1003
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,880
You didn't go
all the way before?
1004
00:43:45,949 --> 00:43:47,211
No. I mean...
1005
00:43:47,284 --> 00:43:49,616
No. A lot of times,
I'm just holding back.
1006
00:43:52,589 --> 00:43:55,524
Then I guess you should
go all the way.
1007
00:43:57,628 --> 00:43:59,061
Hold the sign
nice and low.
1008
00:43:59,129 --> 00:44:00,756
With a big smile...
Very sexy...
1009
00:44:00,831 --> 00:44:02,162
This is about Howard
coming to Washington.
1010
00:44:02,232 --> 00:44:03,392
What's going on here?
1011
00:44:03,500 --> 00:44:04,694
Um, we're
shooting a movie.
1012
00:44:04,768 --> 00:44:05,995
Hey,
you got a permit?
1013
00:44:06,068 --> 00:44:07,330
Uh, no, we don't
have a permit,
1014
00:44:07,403 --> 00:44:08,893
but this is,
like, one line,
1015
00:44:08,971 --> 00:44:10,734
and we'll be done with them in a second
and we'll be out of your way.
1016
00:44:10,807 --> 00:44:12,240
You can't be there, then.
You're blocking the median.
1017
00:44:12,308 --> 00:44:13,639
Come on, you're
gonna have to move.
1018
00:44:13,709 --> 00:44:15,404
Um, this if for
the Howard Stern movie.
1019
00:44:15,478 --> 00:44:17,139
Wait a minute.
You said Howard Stern?
1020
00:44:17,213 --> 00:44:18,407
Yeah.
This is his movie.
1021
00:44:18,514 --> 00:44:19,538
Is Howard here?
1022
00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:21,207
No, he's not here today,
not in this scene,
1023
00:44:21,284 --> 00:44:22,342
but this is his movie.
1024
00:44:22,418 --> 00:44:23,976
Come on.
You got to move.
1025
00:44:24,053 --> 00:44:25,748
Tsk. Give us a break.
It'll take a second.
1026
00:44:25,822 --> 00:44:27,084
Just look right
at the camera,
1027
00:44:27,156 --> 00:44:28,384
and say, "Howard
comes to Washington."
1028
00:44:28,424 --> 00:44:29,721
Howard comes
to Washington.
1029
00:44:29,792 --> 00:44:30,952
Hey, let's go!
Come on!
1030
00:44:31,027 --> 00:44:32,995
Howard's, like,
a big fan of the cops.
1031
00:44:33,062 --> 00:44:34,290
He loves you guys.
1032
00:44:34,363 --> 00:44:35,762
We could have
been done by now.
1033
00:44:35,832 --> 00:44:37,026
Guess what.
You are done.
1034
00:44:37,099 --> 00:44:40,432
Howard: I was hired by
an FM rock station, DC 101,
1035
00:44:40,536 --> 00:44:43,004
and that's when I met
the other woman in my life.
1036
00:44:43,072 --> 00:44:44,505
Howard?
1037
00:44:44,574 --> 00:44:47,168
Hi. I'm Robin Quivers,
your newswoman.
1038
00:44:47,243 --> 00:44:50,041
Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward
to working with you.
1039
00:44:50,112 --> 00:44:51,101
It's great to meet you.
1040
00:44:51,180 --> 00:44:52,112
Same here.
1041
00:44:52,181 --> 00:44:53,808
Yeah, this is
gonna be great.
1042
00:44:53,883 --> 00:44:57,113
OK, I'm just gonna go over here
and work on my script.
1043
00:44:57,185 --> 00:44:59,176
We're almost set.
1044
00:44:59,254 --> 00:45:00,448
Ooh. [Clears Throat]
1045
00:45:00,555 --> 00:45:02,716
[Clearing Throat]
1046
00:45:02,791 --> 00:45:03,917
[Snort Snort]
1047
00:45:03,992 --> 00:45:05,892
[Sniff Sniff]
Ahem.
1048
00:45:05,961 --> 00:45:09,021
DC 101. Good morning.
This is Howard Stern.
1049
00:45:09,097 --> 00:45:10,655
Welcome to the show.
1050
00:45:10,732 --> 00:45:12,962
I have a confession
to make.
1051
00:45:13,034 --> 00:45:15,332
I did not get, uh,
laid last night.
1052
00:45:15,403 --> 00:45:18,702
In fact, I haven't gotten laid
in a really long time.
1053
00:45:18,773 --> 00:45:21,037
Now, give me a call
here at DC 101
1054
00:45:21,109 --> 00:45:23,009
if you have
the same kind of problem.
1055
00:45:23,078 --> 00:45:24,010
Having trouble
with your woman?
1056
00:45:24,079 --> 00:45:25,706
Give me a call.
I'll help you out.
1057
00:45:25,780 --> 00:45:27,680
Let me introduce,
over here to my right,
1058
00:45:27,749 --> 00:45:31,446
my beautiful new newswoman
Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful,
1059
00:45:31,486 --> 00:45:34,546
I'm sure she doesn't have
any of these sexual problems.
1060
00:45:34,623 --> 00:45:38,491
But I must tell you,
my life is, um, very odd.
1061
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:40,494
I get hornier
and hornier.
1062
00:45:40,562 --> 00:45:43,463
My wife, she comes home from work,
she goes to sleep.
1063
00:45:43,498 --> 00:45:45,489
The whole week goes by,
she never gets horny.
1064
00:45:45,567 --> 00:45:47,831
Robin, as a woman,
what is it?
1065
00:45:47,903 --> 00:45:49,927
Do women get horny?
1066
00:45:55,643 --> 00:45:57,873
Sometimes.
1067
00:45:57,945 --> 00:46:00,038
Why is he talking
to his newsperson?
1068
00:46:00,114 --> 00:46:01,513
I'll have him stop.
1069
00:46:01,582 --> 00:46:03,106
What about you
specifically, though?
1070
00:46:03,183 --> 00:46:06,778
When is the last time
that you were with a man...
1071
00:46:06,854 --> 00:46:07,946
sexually?
1072
00:46:09,890 --> 00:46:11,380
About a year.
1073
00:46:11,458 --> 00:46:13,153
You're serious?
1074
00:46:13,227 --> 00:46:14,421
- A year?
- Yeah.
1075
00:46:14,495 --> 00:46:15,792
A year,
ladies and gentlemen.
1076
00:46:15,863 --> 00:46:17,125
Someone more pathetic
than me.
1077
00:46:17,197 --> 00:46:18,858
This is good. This is good.
We're getting somewhere.
1078
00:46:18,933 --> 00:46:20,025
This is a good
discussion.
1079
00:46:20,100 --> 00:46:22,625
Uh, you know,
I bought a book,
1080
00:46:22,703 --> 00:46:24,193
"How to Score with Babes,"
1081
00:46:24,271 --> 00:46:25,670
and listen
to what it says.
1082
00:46:25,739 --> 00:46:26,933
I think
it's rather revealing.
1083
00:46:27,007 --> 00:46:29,305
"When attempting
to score with a babe,
1084
00:46:29,376 --> 00:46:31,310
"make sure to wear
tight pants.
1085
00:46:31,378 --> 00:46:34,472
"If necessary, stuff
a semirigid, large object
1086
00:46:34,548 --> 00:46:35,742
"into your pants
1087
00:46:35,816 --> 00:46:38,216
to create the appearance
of having a large penis."
1088
00:46:38,285 --> 00:46:40,149
Women like large penis.
1089
00:46:40,219 --> 00:46:42,483
Did he say "penis"?
1090
00:46:42,555 --> 00:46:44,022
I know about this stuff.
1091
00:46:44,090 --> 00:46:46,388
I have no bulge in my crotch.
I have a small penis.
1092
00:46:46,459 --> 00:46:48,359
And I've never told
anyone this before...
1093
00:46:48,428 --> 00:46:50,055
And I don't think
you should start now.
1094
00:46:50,129 --> 00:46:52,461
Well, I've done it.
Now the cat's out of the bag.
1095
00:46:52,532 --> 00:46:54,124
But this guy
wrote a good book.
1096
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:56,361
The author has slept
with over 16,000 women,
1097
00:46:56,436 --> 00:46:57,926
and, uh,
take it from him.
1098
00:46:58,004 --> 00:47:00,472
He says
wear tight pants.
1099
00:47:00,540 --> 00:47:03,100
If he slept
with 16,000 women,
1100
00:47:03,176 --> 00:47:05,940
he wouldn't have time
to put on pants.
1101
00:47:06,012 --> 00:47:08,776
That is true, too.
I didn't consider that.
1102
00:47:08,915 --> 00:47:10,109
Why don't you
give me a call at DC 101
1103
00:47:10,216 --> 00:47:12,116
if you want
to talk about this.
1104
00:47:12,218 --> 00:47:14,948
We'll be back
right after these words.
1105
00:47:15,021 --> 00:47:16,079
[Man Yelling]
1106
00:47:16,189 --> 00:47:17,520
You're a genius.
1107
00:47:17,590 --> 00:47:18,784
That was great.
1108
00:47:18,858 --> 00:47:20,189
That was interesting.
1109
00:47:20,293 --> 00:47:22,284
Didn't that feel good?
That was great.
1110
00:47:22,395 --> 00:47:24,693
You say
whatever you want.
1111
00:47:24,797 --> 00:47:27,129
You have carte blanche.
1112
00:47:27,233 --> 00:47:30,134
You and Robin must not talk
to each other on the air.
1113
00:47:30,236 --> 00:47:31,964
And don't sing along
with the music.
1114
00:47:32,037 --> 00:47:33,629
And you know
what else you could do?
1115
00:47:33,739 --> 00:47:35,934
I'd like you to memorize
the names of the local high schools.
1116
00:47:36,041 --> 00:47:37,770
And don't criticize
Washington.
1117
00:47:37,876 --> 00:47:39,468
It's not good for ratings.
1118
00:47:39,578 --> 00:47:42,843
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like
to talk to Robin alone for a second.
1119
00:47:42,948 --> 00:47:44,210
Wait. I wanted...
1120
00:47:44,316 --> 00:47:45,715
You know what I want you
to do for me,
1121
00:47:45,784 --> 00:47:47,581
is to make up a grid
of all your comedy bits
1122
00:47:47,686 --> 00:47:49,085
and the corresponding
days of the week,
1123
00:47:49,154 --> 00:47:51,384
so that I'll know on which day
you'll be doing which bit.
1124
00:47:51,490 --> 00:47:54,721
I told you I work spontaneously.
I think that I...
1125
00:48:00,432 --> 00:48:02,457
Robin...
don't encourage him.
1126
00:48:02,534 --> 00:48:04,502
He's better
when he's toned down.
1127
00:48:04,603 --> 00:48:08,664
We need you to be
a friend here, Robin.
1128
00:48:08,774 --> 00:48:10,935
I'll see
what I can do.
1129
00:48:11,009 --> 00:48:12,840
Great.
1130
00:48:12,911 --> 00:48:14,173
Appreciate it,
Robin.
1131
00:48:14,279 --> 00:48:15,337
- OK.
- Thanks.
1132
00:48:17,416 --> 00:48:19,316
I think we should
separate them.
1133
00:48:19,418 --> 00:48:22,318
Orioles over the Red Sox
3-2 last night,
1134
00:48:22,420 --> 00:48:24,320
extending the Os'
winning streak to 7.
1135
00:48:24,422 --> 00:48:26,322
And finally,
today is Memorial Day.
1136
00:48:26,424 --> 00:48:29,825
Sunny skies and warm temperatures
for veterans marching in parades
1137
00:48:29,927 --> 00:48:31,326
across the metropolitan area.
1138
00:48:31,429 --> 00:48:34,330
Highs today in the 70s.
It's 58 degrees...
1139
00:48:34,432 --> 00:48:37,333
You know, Robin, let me
interrupt for a second.
1140
00:48:37,435 --> 00:48:39,335
I'm glad you brought up
Memorial Day.
1141
00:48:39,437 --> 00:48:41,337
I was in Vietnam.
I'd like to talk to you about it.
1142
00:48:41,439 --> 00:48:43,339
I had 11 kills
in Vietnam,
1143
00:48:43,441 --> 00:48:46,842
and I'm telling you,
I really should've had more.
1144
00:48:46,944 --> 00:48:48,844
Officially, I should've
had more kills.
1145
00:48:48,946 --> 00:48:50,846
Let me tell you
what I'm talking about.
1146
00:48:50,948 --> 00:48:52,882
I was in a gook village,
and I come upon a schoolhouse.
1147
00:48:52,950 --> 00:48:54,713
So I grab one of
my grenades off my belt,
1148
00:48:54,819 --> 00:48:56,548
and I throw it right
into the schoolhouse.
1149
00:48:56,654 --> 00:48:58,815
And I blow up
the whole damn thing.
1150
00:48:58,923 --> 00:49:00,948
So I'm out there
counting all the bodies.
1151
00:49:01,058 --> 00:49:03,117
You threw a grenade
into a school?
1152
00:49:03,227 --> 00:49:05,127
That's exactly
what I'm telling you.
1153
00:49:05,229 --> 00:49:06,958
I must've killed, like,
200 kids.
1154
00:49:07,064 --> 00:49:09,658
My dickhead lieutenant
comes up to me, and he says,
1155
00:49:09,767 --> 00:49:12,634
"Stern, those are little kids.
That counts as one person."
1156
00:49:12,703 --> 00:49:14,636
Howard, I was
in the military.
1157
00:49:14,704 --> 00:49:17,104
I was a captain in the Air Force.
What were you?
1158
00:49:17,207 --> 00:49:18,606
What was I?
1159
00:49:18,708 --> 00:49:20,198
Yeah, what were you?
1160
00:49:20,310 --> 00:49:22,278
- What were you again?
- I was a captain.
1161
00:49:22,345 --> 00:49:24,279
That's what I was.
I was a captain.
1162
00:49:24,347 --> 00:49:25,780
And what were you in?
1163
00:49:25,882 --> 00:49:27,315
I was in Vietnam.
1164
00:49:27,417 --> 00:49:29,078
Ohh! Army? Navy?
1165
00:49:29,152 --> 00:49:30,084
In the Army.
1166
00:49:30,153 --> 00:49:32,087
Did you have a division?
1167
00:49:32,155 --> 00:49:33,087
103rd.
1168
00:49:33,156 --> 00:49:34,088
103rd what?
1169
00:49:34,157 --> 00:49:35,590
I was in the 103rd...
1170
00:49:35,692 --> 00:49:37,091
I don't know
what I was in, Robin,
1171
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:39,185
But I'm saying I was
in the 103rd.
1172
00:49:39,262 --> 00:49:41,196
And the point
of this whole thing
1173
00:49:41,264 --> 00:49:44,028
is that I think a kill
is a kill is a kill,
1174
00:49:44,100 --> 00:49:46,534
and killing a kid should be
just as good as killing an adult.
1175
00:49:46,636 --> 00:49:51,198
Well, I suppose even if you're killing
children, they should count them.
1176
00:49:51,274 --> 00:49:54,266
I got some music
for you now at DC 101.
1177
00:49:54,377 --> 00:49:55,275
[Robin Chuckles]
1178
00:49:55,378 --> 00:49:56,470
Ha ha!
1179
00:49:57,881 --> 00:49:59,508
You're not even old enough
to have been in Vietnam.
1180
00:49:59,616 --> 00:50:00,514
Duh.
1181
00:50:02,185 --> 00:50:04,551
I couldn't sit there
and not say something.
1182
00:50:04,654 --> 00:50:07,053
I knew they had told me
not to talk.
1183
00:50:07,122 --> 00:50:09,556
I knew I was going to get
in trouble if I did.
1184
00:50:09,658 --> 00:50:11,558
But he was really
onto something,
1185
00:50:11,660 --> 00:50:15,562
and I knew that there was
something going on there...
1186
00:50:15,664 --> 00:50:18,064
and I just went for it.
1187
00:50:20,669 --> 00:50:23,103
Well, this just came
from the FCC.
1188
00:50:23,205 --> 00:50:25,605
Did you say "testicles"
on the air?
1189
00:50:25,674 --> 00:50:26,641
Wait a second.
1190
00:50:26,742 --> 00:50:28,607
Screw the FCC.
We just lost Muffler Man.
1191
00:50:28,677 --> 00:50:30,611
Hold on. We have
a real problem here.
1192
00:50:30,679 --> 00:50:32,112
I'm just trying
to get ratings.
1193
00:50:32,214 --> 00:50:33,545
I am just trying
to run a radio station.
1194
00:50:33,649 --> 00:50:35,241
I understand that,
and I'm telling you
1195
00:50:35,317 --> 00:50:37,148
that the commercial sponsors
are there once you get the ratings.
1196
00:50:37,219 --> 00:50:38,243
There's a big problem.
1197
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:39,981
They're gonna be
lining up 10 in a row.
1198
00:50:40,055 --> 00:50:42,182
You listen to me,
you stupid asshole.
1199
00:50:42,291 --> 00:50:44,987
Radio is a business, and
you just cost us $40,000.
1200
00:50:45,060 --> 00:50:48,689
Wait a second. If I do a lame show,
it's never gonna take off.
1201
00:50:48,797 --> 00:50:50,697
I'm calm.
I am perfectly calm.
1202
00:50:50,766 --> 00:50:53,564
D.C. Carpet canceled
because of him.
1203
00:50:53,669 --> 00:50:55,500
Well, I've reached
my limit.
1204
00:50:55,604 --> 00:50:57,764
I don't know about you,
but my back is against the wall.
1205
00:50:57,872 --> 00:50:59,100
Will everyone
just sit down?
1206
00:50:59,173 --> 00:51:00,299
I just want to say
one thing.
1207
00:51:00,408 --> 00:51:01,807
I really think this show's
starting to take off.
1208
00:51:01,876 --> 00:51:03,309
There's a buzz
on the street about it.
1209
00:51:03,411 --> 00:51:05,311
If we just give it a chance,
if we just take some time with it,
1210
00:51:05,413 --> 00:51:07,438
I think everything's
gonna be OK.
1211
00:51:07,515 --> 00:51:09,415
Don't push
your luck, Howard.
1212
00:51:09,517 --> 00:51:12,213
Robin Leach: The countdown to our "Live
Life Like a Millionaire Sweepstakes"
1213
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:13,378
is getting closer.
1214
00:51:13,454 --> 00:51:15,285
We're going to
have winners take...
1215
00:51:15,356 --> 00:51:16,288
Hey!
1216
00:51:16,357 --> 00:51:17,381
Hi, honey.
1217
00:51:17,458 --> 00:51:19,858
Robin Leach says we
should move to Antigua.
1218
00:51:19,961 --> 00:51:22,361
Oh, yeah?
Come on, hurry up.
1219
00:51:22,463 --> 00:51:24,226
Snap to it.
I'm ovulating.
1220
00:51:24,332 --> 00:51:27,233
I'm in the middle of
important show research.
1221
00:51:27,335 --> 00:51:30,236
Howard, seriously,
come on.
1222
00:51:30,338 --> 00:51:32,238
You know what?
You're getting baby fever here.
1223
00:51:32,340 --> 00:51:33,739
And you know, maybe
it's a little premature.
1224
00:51:33,808 --> 00:51:35,742
I'm about 3 days away from being fired,
the way I figure it.
1225
00:51:35,810 --> 00:51:37,744
And do you want
to know something?
1226
00:51:37,812 --> 00:51:39,245
You got to think about
the economics of this.
1227
00:51:39,347 --> 00:51:41,247
You're gonna be the best morning man
in the history of radio.
1228
00:51:41,349 --> 00:51:42,907
At any minute, you're
gonna be number one.
1229
00:51:43,017 --> 00:51:44,245
- Is that so?
- Yeah! Strip!
1230
00:51:44,352 --> 00:51:45,580
Let me tell you something.
Look at yourself.
1231
00:51:45,653 --> 00:51:47,086
You're completely on fire
about having a baby.
1232
00:51:47,188 --> 00:51:49,087
You don't understand.
I'm not a piece of meat.
1233
00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:50,816
I mean,
I have to be romanced.
1234
00:51:50,924 --> 00:51:52,755
Oh, yeah. Please.
1235
00:51:52,826 --> 00:51:55,761
Ooh, look at that bra.
Where did you get that?
1236
00:51:55,829 --> 00:51:56,989
You like this?
1237
00:51:57,097 --> 00:51:58,496
OK. That's it.
That's it!
1238
00:51:58,565 --> 00:52:00,430
I am making a baby!
1239
00:52:00,500 --> 00:52:02,559
It's baby time!
I'm ready to give you a baby.
1240
00:52:02,669 --> 00:52:03,567
Thank you.
1241
00:52:03,670 --> 00:52:04,568
Hold on.
1242
00:52:07,307 --> 00:52:08,706
OK. Now I'm hot.
1243
00:52:08,775 --> 00:52:10,208
Now I actually
want to have sex.
1244
00:52:10,310 --> 00:52:11,902
I didn't before
and now I do.
1245
00:52:12,012 --> 00:52:13,343
Announcer On TV:
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...
1246
00:52:14,414 --> 00:52:15,847
Robin, watch this.
1247
00:52:20,420 --> 00:52:21,648
What am I doing?
1248
00:52:21,755 --> 00:52:23,518
Uh, having a seizure?
1249
00:52:23,590 --> 00:52:25,524
No, that's not a seizure.
That's me dancing
1250
00:52:25,592 --> 00:52:28,686
because I'm happy
'cause I got laid last night.
1251
00:52:28,795 --> 00:52:30,023
- Oh!
- Yeah, I really did.
1252
00:52:30,130 --> 00:52:32,030
In fact,
it was not for lust.
1253
00:52:32,132 --> 00:52:33,690
It was 'cause I was
making a kid.
1254
00:52:33,767 --> 00:52:35,701
- Oh.
- In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.
1255
00:52:35,769 --> 00:52:37,566
They're very, you know,
she's getting older.
1256
00:52:37,671 --> 00:52:39,069
But my sperm
is like supersperm,
1257
00:52:39,171 --> 00:52:41,298
so I'm pretty sure everything
was delivered in one shot.
1258
00:52:41,407 --> 00:52:43,307
Oh, yeah.
Your sperm are fine.
1259
00:52:43,409 --> 00:52:45,309
My sperm are fantastic.
I'm fantastic.
1260
00:52:45,411 --> 00:52:47,811
I'm in a good mood.
Let's take some phone calls
1261
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:49,313
and see what's doing
out there.
1262
00:52:49,415 --> 00:52:50,814
- OK.
- Hi, you're on the air.
1263
00:52:50,883 --> 00:52:52,373
Woman Caller: Hi,
is this Howard Stern?
1264
00:52:52,451 --> 00:52:53,543
This is Howard.
1265
00:52:53,619 --> 00:52:55,052
Oh, whoa.
Anyway, I was calling
1266
00:52:55,154 --> 00:52:56,883
because I have
a really big problem.
1267
00:52:56,989 --> 00:52:58,115
What's your problem?
1268
00:52:58,190 --> 00:52:59,680
Well, every morning
I lie in bed,
1269
00:52:59,792 --> 00:53:01,225
and the only thing
I can do is think of you.
1270
00:53:01,293 --> 00:53:03,887
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we
can't help you with your problem.
1271
00:53:03,996 --> 00:53:05,224
What do you look like?
1272
00:53:05,297 --> 00:53:08,858
Well, I've got blond hair,
and I've got blue eyes,
1273
00:53:08,934 --> 00:53:12,370
and my measurements
are about 38-24-34.
1274
00:53:12,471 --> 00:53:15,235
Some people tell me I look
a lot like Farrah Fawcett.
1275
00:53:15,307 --> 00:53:17,332
I can help you.
Robin, I can help this girl.
1276
00:53:17,443 --> 00:53:19,843
You know, we have the most
beautiful audience.
1277
00:53:19,912 --> 00:53:22,403
We certainly do. We're
very fortunate that way.
1278
00:53:22,481 --> 00:53:23,846
You know what we're gonna do
to solve your problem?
1279
00:53:23,916 --> 00:53:25,884
I'm gonna have sex with you
right now over the radio.
1280
00:53:25,951 --> 00:53:27,350
Caller:
How are we gonna do that?
1281
00:53:27,453 --> 00:53:29,683
Very simple.
I've thought this through, Robin.
1282
00:53:29,755 --> 00:53:32,348
First of all, what kind of radio
are you listening to us on?
1283
00:53:32,457 --> 00:53:35,358
You have a transistor radio, or you
have one of those big sound systems?
1284
00:53:35,460 --> 00:53:36,893
Caller: I have
one of those big sound systems.
1285
00:53:36,961 --> 00:53:38,019
Good. OK.
1286
00:53:38,129 --> 00:53:39,858
Could you turn the treble
all the way down
1287
00:53:39,931 --> 00:53:41,159
and put the bass
all the way up?
1288
00:53:42,667 --> 00:53:45,500
OK. The treble's down,
and the bass is up.
1289
00:53:45,603 --> 00:53:47,969
Howard: Take your speaker...
You got a big speaker?
1290
00:53:48,106 --> 00:53:48,902
Caller: Yes, I do.
1291
00:53:48,973 --> 00:53:50,406
Lay it flat
on the floor.
1292
00:53:50,475 --> 00:53:53,171
And I want you to sort
of straddle the speaker.
1293
00:53:53,244 --> 00:53:54,677
- Howard!
- Caller: Do what?
1294
00:53:54,746 --> 00:53:57,544
A woman cannot be aroused
in that way.
1295
00:53:57,615 --> 00:53:59,879
Howard: No. This is really wrong, Robin.
You're absolutely wrong.
1296
00:53:59,951 --> 00:54:01,885
In fact, my father
was a radio engineer,
1297
00:54:01,953 --> 00:54:04,046
and he proved
this theory years ago.
1298
00:54:04,122 --> 00:54:05,612
You've got to believe.
1299
00:54:05,690 --> 00:54:09,057
Now, what I need you to do is put
your private area over the woofer.
1300
00:54:09,127 --> 00:54:10,389
Caller: I can't believe you're
really making me to do this.
1301
00:54:10,461 --> 00:54:11,951
Howard: Come on, do it.
1302
00:54:11,996 --> 00:54:14,328
Right up against it
so you can feel me.
1303
00:54:17,835 --> 00:54:18,802
I'm on.
1304
00:54:18,870 --> 00:54:20,929
Robin: Oh, I have
to ask her a question.
1305
00:54:21,005 --> 00:54:25,134
What kind of a woman are you
to have sex this way on the radio?
1306
00:54:25,208 --> 00:54:26,903
Don't answer that question.
Bad question.
1307
00:54:26,977 --> 00:54:28,740
You're gonna ruin
this woman's mood.
1308
00:54:28,812 --> 00:54:30,746
She might start
second-guessing.
1309
00:54:30,814 --> 00:54:32,008
Are you ready
to have sex?
1310
00:54:32,082 --> 00:54:33,515
Caller, Giggling:
Oh, my God.
1311
00:54:33,583 --> 00:54:35,175
[Hums]
1312
00:54:37,421 --> 00:54:39,548
Ooh!
1313
00:54:39,623 --> 00:54:41,090
[Hums]
1314
00:54:41,158 --> 00:54:42,182
Oohh!
1315
00:54:42,259 --> 00:54:44,819
Ooh. It kinda tingles.
1316
00:54:44,895 --> 00:54:47,386
See? It tingles.
She likes it.
1317
00:54:47,464 --> 00:54:48,396
Yeah, sure.
1318
00:54:48,465 --> 00:54:52,299
[Hums]
1319
00:54:52,369 --> 00:54:54,860
Ohh! Oh...
1320
00:54:54,938 --> 00:54:57,566
[Howard Humming]
1321
00:54:57,641 --> 00:54:59,006
She's full of it.
1322
00:54:59,042 --> 00:55:01,442
[Caller Moans,
Howard Hums]
1323
00:55:01,511 --> 00:55:02,876
Aahh!
1324
00:55:02,946 --> 00:55:06,848
Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!
1325
00:55:06,917 --> 00:55:08,248
Listen to her.
She's going wild.
1326
00:55:08,318 --> 00:55:09,945
You got me moaning.
1327
00:55:10,020 --> 00:55:11,851
[Moans]
1328
00:55:11,922 --> 00:55:18,292
[Hums]
1329
00:55:18,360 --> 00:55:20,658
[Moans]
1330
00:55:20,729 --> 00:55:21,753
[Hums]
1331
00:55:21,831 --> 00:55:24,857
[Moans]
1332
00:55:24,934 --> 00:55:25,866
Oh, my goodness.
1333
00:55:25,935 --> 00:55:28,028
[Hums]
1334
00:55:28,070 --> 00:55:30,868
Ohhh!
1335
00:55:30,940 --> 00:55:32,532
[Laughs]
1336
00:55:32,608 --> 00:55:34,838
This is the best sex
I ever had.
1337
00:55:34,910 --> 00:55:36,844
Ooh! Standing ovation.
Thank you.
1338
00:55:36,912 --> 00:55:38,004
- Oh, boy.
- Thank you.
1339
00:55:38,080 --> 00:55:39,672
Robin: Take your bows.
1340
00:55:40,783 --> 00:55:43,217
A woman on the air
had an orgasm.
1341
00:55:43,285 --> 00:55:44,718
Have you lost your mind?
1342
00:55:44,787 --> 00:55:46,220
But you got to admit,
it was a funny bit.
1343
00:55:46,288 --> 00:55:47,721
The audience loved
that stuff.
1344
00:55:47,790 --> 00:55:49,223
We just lost Stereo City.
1345
00:55:49,291 --> 00:55:51,521
This is not Muffler Man.
This is Stereo fucking City.
1346
00:55:51,594 --> 00:55:53,391
Dee Dee, you know
there's gonna be other sponsors.
1347
00:55:53,462 --> 00:55:56,329
No, there's not, Howard, 'cause
your career is over. You're finished.
1348
00:55:56,398 --> 00:55:58,195
Come on!
How can you say that?
1349
00:55:58,267 --> 00:55:59,894
Dee Dee,
I don't believe it.
1350
00:55:59,969 --> 00:56:01,994
He's up.
1351
00:56:02,071 --> 00:56:03,095
He's up?
1352
00:56:03,172 --> 00:56:05,196
In the new ratings book,
he's up... 2 points.
1353
00:56:05,273 --> 00:56:06,797
Howard:
I love you.
1354
00:56:06,875 --> 00:56:09,309
2 full points,
and Pizza Shack called.
1355
00:56:09,377 --> 00:56:11,311
They want to buy time
on the Stern show.
1356
00:56:11,379 --> 00:56:13,313
I go to Pizza Shack
all the time. Great.
1357
00:56:13,381 --> 00:56:15,315
This is a great time
to talk
1358
00:56:15,383 --> 00:56:16,816
about putting some money
into the show.
1359
00:56:16,885 --> 00:56:18,546
I know a guy,
he does voices, he does comedy.
1360
00:56:18,620 --> 00:56:21,054
Absolutely not.
This could be a fluke.
1361
00:56:21,122 --> 00:56:24,421
I guarantee you we'll go up 2 full
rating points if you hire this guy.
1362
00:56:24,492 --> 00:56:26,016
This guy
must be hot.
1363
00:56:26,094 --> 00:56:28,028
This guy is
total personality.
1364
00:56:28,096 --> 00:56:29,586
He's electric.
1365
00:56:29,664 --> 00:56:32,428
[Van Halen's
You Really Got Me Plays]
1366
00:56:39,607 --> 00:56:42,337
Hey, Rick.
How's tricks, buddy?
1367
00:56:42,410 --> 00:56:43,843
I've been coughing all day.
1368
00:56:43,912 --> 00:56:47,348
I feel like I'm about
to cough up a lung.
1369
00:56:47,415 --> 00:56:50,578
[Cough] Blecch!
1370
00:56:50,652 --> 00:56:52,210
Waaa!
1371
00:56:52,287 --> 00:56:55,120
Both:
Oh, no! It's Lucy!
1372
00:56:55,156 --> 00:56:57,055
# You got me so I can't
sleep at night #
1373
00:56:57,124 --> 00:57:00,560
# Girl,
you really got me now #
1374
00:57:00,627 --> 00:57:03,221
# You got me so I don't know
where I'm going #
1375
00:57:03,297 --> 00:57:04,889
Howard:
Thank you very much.
1376
00:57:04,965 --> 00:57:06,899
# Yeah, you really
got me now #
1377
00:57:06,967 --> 00:57:09,435
# You got me so
I can't sleep at night #
1378
00:57:09,503 --> 00:57:12,529
# You really got me,
You really got me... #
1379
00:57:12,606 --> 00:57:14,801
Howard: Once the three of us
were together, everything felt right.
1380
00:57:14,875 --> 00:57:15,838
I mean, things really
started to take off.
1381
00:57:15,839 --> 00:57:16,801
I mean, things really
started to take off.
1382
00:57:16,877 --> 00:57:19,573
It was then that I made
a startling discovery.
1383
00:57:19,646 --> 00:57:22,979
She's a beautiful girl. You're telling
me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?
1384
00:57:23,050 --> 00:57:25,280
Howard: Lesbians
equal ratings.
1385
00:57:25,352 --> 00:57:26,944
Now let me say something.
1386
00:57:27,020 --> 00:57:28,647
I am the hero
of the lesbian community,
1387
00:57:28,722 --> 00:57:29,814
am I not, Robin?
1388
00:57:29,890 --> 00:57:30,982
I guess you are.
1389
00:57:31,058 --> 00:57:32,184
I absolutely am.
1390
00:57:32,292 --> 00:57:33,987
All right. Now,
let's get into it.
1391
00:57:34,061 --> 00:57:38,122
Julie, I want you to tell us
about your first lesbianic experience.
1392
00:57:38,198 --> 00:57:39,324
OK.
1393
00:57:39,399 --> 00:57:41,833
Tell me about the secret world
of lesbian sex.
1394
00:57:41,902 --> 00:57:43,836
Well, Howard, I was 18.
1395
00:57:43,904 --> 00:57:45,337
Oh, you were so young.
1396
00:57:45,405 --> 00:57:47,838
Right. And I was working
at a summer camp.
1397
00:57:47,907 --> 00:57:48,839
Yes?
1398
00:57:48,908 --> 00:57:51,172
And I was lying
in my bunk,
1399
00:57:51,210 --> 00:57:53,337
and the camp director's wife
walked in.
1400
00:57:53,412 --> 00:57:54,811
Ooh, now, that's hot.
1401
00:57:54,880 --> 00:57:57,007
Uh, everyone was asleep,
1402
00:57:57,083 --> 00:57:58,846
and I'm lying
in my bunk,
1403
00:57:58,918 --> 00:58:00,351
and she sees me
looking at her.
1404
00:58:00,419 --> 00:58:01,852
Howard: And then
what happens?
1405
00:58:01,921 --> 00:58:04,355
She, like, signals
for me to go with her.
1406
00:58:04,423 --> 00:58:05,856
What are you sleeping in?
1407
00:58:05,925 --> 00:58:07,358
'Cause this is
what I picture.
1408
00:58:07,426 --> 00:58:09,360
Little cotton panties,
a tight little undershirt.
1409
00:58:09,428 --> 00:58:11,589
No. I'm wearing, like,
little baby-doll pajamas.
1410
00:58:11,664 --> 00:58:13,757
Oh, you tease.
1411
00:58:13,833 --> 00:58:16,768
So then she takes me
into this tent.
1412
00:58:16,836 --> 00:58:19,805
When you walk in, lesbians
all over the place, right?
1413
00:58:19,872 --> 00:58:22,466
I mean, a whole lesbian
sex festival, right?
1414
00:58:22,541 --> 00:58:24,805
[Julie Chuckles]
Oh, you know it, Howard.
1415
00:58:24,877 --> 00:58:25,844
Man: Howard?
1416
00:58:25,911 --> 00:58:26,843
Ohh!
1417
00:58:26,912 --> 00:58:27,844
Howard?
1418
00:58:27,913 --> 00:58:30,381
Alison on line 3.
It is important.
1419
00:58:30,449 --> 00:58:32,679
Do you believe this, in the middle
of Lesbian Dating Game,
1420
00:58:32,752 --> 00:58:34,185
my wife calls in?
1421
00:58:34,253 --> 00:58:36,153
Robin:
Maybe she wants to play.
1422
00:58:36,222 --> 00:58:38,155
Honey, you want to play?
You want a date with Julie?
1423
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:39,656
Alison: Am I on the air?
1424
00:58:39,724 --> 00:58:41,157
Yes, honey, of course
you're on the air.
1425
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:43,160
I told them I wanted
to talk to you off the air.
1426
00:58:43,228 --> 00:58:46,163
But, honey, you're in the middle of
interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.
1427
00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:48,324
You've got to tell everyone. My audience
wants to know why you're interrupting.
1428
00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:49,697
Don't you want to know,
Robin?
1429
00:58:49,768 --> 00:58:51,167
I think we deserve to.
1430
00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:54,899
Yes, honey... Uh-oh, Al?
I think she's gone.
1431
00:58:54,973 --> 00:58:56,838
Alison: No. I'm pregnant.
1432
00:58:56,908 --> 00:58:58,341
What?
1433
00:58:58,410 --> 00:59:00,344
Alison: I'm pregnant.
1434
00:59:00,412 --> 00:59:03,347
Robin: Congratulations,
Howard.
1435
00:59:03,415 --> 00:59:07,181
It's my supersperm. I knew
my supersperm would do it, Robin.
1436
00:59:07,252 --> 00:59:08,241
You're so blessed.
1437
00:59:08,286 --> 00:59:09,617
Julie says we're blessed,
honey,
1438
00:59:09,688 --> 00:59:11,155
and Julie would know
these things.
1439
00:59:11,222 --> 00:59:13,190
Alison: Well, I appreciate her support.
Can we talk privately now?
1440
00:59:13,258 --> 00:59:14,418
Absolutely, sweetheart.
1441
00:59:14,492 --> 00:59:15,789
Wait a minute. Does she
know what she's gonna have?
1442
00:59:15,860 --> 00:59:17,054
Is it gonna be a lesbian?
1443
00:59:17,128 --> 00:59:18,993
Oh, please, Robin!
You've gone too far.
1444
00:59:19,064 --> 00:59:22,158
No offense, Julie.
Please, I don't need this aggravation.
1445
00:59:22,233 --> 00:59:25,259
We're gonna take a break. We'll get back
to making out with the lesbians
1446
00:59:25,303 --> 00:59:26,770
right after these words.
1447
00:59:28,173 --> 00:59:29,605
- Hi.
- Alison: Hey.
1448
00:59:29,673 --> 00:59:30,799
I can't believe it.
1449
00:59:30,874 --> 00:59:32,307
I can't believe you made me
do that on the air.
1450
00:59:32,376 --> 00:59:33,809
It's so exciting.
Did you call your mother?
1451
00:59:33,877 --> 00:59:35,310
I called, I called.
I feel so different.
1452
00:59:35,379 --> 00:59:36,311
I know.
1453
00:59:36,380 --> 00:59:37,813
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
1454
00:59:37,881 --> 00:59:39,314
I'm flipping
out, too.
1455
00:59:39,383 --> 00:59:40,816
I'm somebody's
father.
1456
00:59:40,884 --> 00:59:42,647
Oh, my God!
1457
00:59:42,753 --> 00:59:43,742
[Crowd Chants "Howard"]
1458
00:59:43,821 --> 00:59:46,255
Reporter:
Love him or hate him,
1459
00:59:46,323 --> 00:59:47,620
unconventional
disc jockey Howard Stern
1460
00:59:47,725 --> 00:59:49,625
jumped to the top
of the ratings today,
1461
00:59:49,727 --> 00:59:51,695
making him number one
in greater Washington.
1462
00:59:51,762 --> 00:59:54,754
Howard On TV: I took a dump of a
radio station and returned it to glory.
1463
00:59:54,832 --> 00:59:56,766
Howard In Living Room:
I look like Hitler.
1464
00:59:56,834 --> 00:59:58,768
Howard, Narrating:
I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.
1465
00:59:58,836 --> 01:00:01,270
I mean, we were gonna have
our first child,
1466
01:00:01,338 --> 01:00:03,772
and 6 weeks later,
the new ratings came out.
1467
01:00:03,841 --> 01:00:06,275
We destroyed every other
station in the market.
1468
01:00:06,343 --> 01:00:07,776
My life was perfect.
1469
01:00:07,845 --> 01:00:09,779
I'm gonna grab
this guy's hat,
1470
01:00:09,847 --> 01:00:11,280
if they show it.
1471
01:00:15,285 --> 01:00:17,219
Howard On TV:
I'll tell you another thing...
1472
01:00:17,287 --> 01:00:18,720
Look, watch this.
1473
01:00:18,789 --> 01:00:20,222
You're gonna miss it.
1474
01:00:20,290 --> 01:00:21,221
Come here.
1475
01:00:21,290 --> 01:00:23,690
Howard On TV:
I am Officer Howie,
1476
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:27,059
and there's a new law in town.
We're taking it over.
1477
01:00:28,297 --> 01:00:29,229
Alison: How!
1478
01:00:29,298 --> 01:00:30,731
I love you.
1479
01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:32,734
[Crowd Chants "Howard"]
1480
01:00:32,802 --> 01:00:34,736
Al, you OK?
1481
01:00:34,804 --> 01:00:38,069
I think
something's wrong.
1482
01:00:38,141 --> 01:00:40,575
Even if I'd put you
in the hospital
1483
01:00:40,676 --> 01:00:43,076
and I pumped you full
of every medication possible,
1484
01:00:43,146 --> 01:00:45,637
you still would've lost
the pregnancy.
1485
01:00:57,693 --> 01:01:00,594
Your body rejected
what was going on.
1486
01:01:00,696 --> 01:01:03,597
And that's so healthy.
It's such a good way to look at it.
1487
01:01:03,699 --> 01:01:06,600
And in a couple of months,
we're gonna try to have a baby again,
1488
01:01:06,702 --> 01:01:08,101
and everything's
gonna go great.
1489
01:01:08,171 --> 01:01:11,106
You're gonna be totally confident
that everything's going good
1490
01:01:11,174 --> 01:01:13,198
because you know your
body would reject it
1491
01:01:13,308 --> 01:01:15,208
if it wasn't going
right... you know?
1492
01:01:18,313 --> 01:01:20,213
I have to tell my parents.
1493
01:01:21,783 --> 01:01:24,217
Not really.
We don't have to tell your parents.
1494
01:01:24,319 --> 01:01:26,719
You know
what you could do?
1495
01:01:28,323 --> 01:01:30,223
I didn't want
to tell you this,
1496
01:01:30,325 --> 01:01:32,725
but I took a polaroid
of the toilet.
1497
01:01:32,794 --> 01:01:35,729
And we can just mail them
a picture of that,
1498
01:01:35,797 --> 01:01:37,731
and they can walk
around Florida, you know,
1499
01:01:37,799 --> 01:01:39,232
and say it was
our grandchild,
1500
01:01:39,334 --> 01:01:41,234
and your mother
will be so happy.
1501
01:01:41,336 --> 01:01:43,236
She just wants pictures
to show her friends.
1502
01:01:43,338 --> 01:01:44,737
- No.
- You know that.
1503
01:01:44,806 --> 01:01:47,240
She just wants to be like all
the other yentas who walk around.
1504
01:01:47,342 --> 01:01:51,244
You know, we could name the baby
and everything. Clumpy... Clumpy Stern.
1505
01:01:51,346 --> 01:01:55,248
She could walk around with your father
and little Clumpy pictures.
1506
01:01:56,618 --> 01:01:58,552
Chorus, On Tape:
# All the weather #
1507
01:01:58,653 --> 01:02:00,917
# Now here's God #
1508
01:02:00,989 --> 01:02:01,921
Your Holiness.
1509
01:02:01,990 --> 01:02:03,252
Howard As God:
Hello, Howard.
1510
01:02:03,357 --> 01:02:04,756
There you are.
1511
01:02:04,825 --> 01:02:06,759
I see your wife
had a miscarriage.
1512
01:02:06,827 --> 01:02:08,260
Aw, don't bring
that up, God.
1513
01:02:08,362 --> 01:02:09,761
Please, that's way
too personal.
1514
01:02:09,830 --> 01:02:13,266
You tried to have a baby,
and you failed.
1515
01:02:13,367 --> 01:02:14,265
Oh, man!
1516
01:02:14,368 --> 01:02:16,768
Now the baby is with me!
1517
01:02:16,837 --> 01:02:18,270
This is crazy.
1518
01:02:18,372 --> 01:02:20,272
Boy, what a loser you are.
1519
01:02:20,374 --> 01:02:23,275
Wow! He's getting awfully
personal this morning.
1520
01:02:23,377 --> 01:02:25,777
Hey, God, me and my wife
are trying to have another baby.
1521
01:02:25,846 --> 01:02:28,007
A real man would have done it
right the first time.
1522
01:02:28,115 --> 01:02:29,514
Oh, for God's sake.
1523
01:02:29,617 --> 01:02:32,518
- It'll be pleasant today. Rain tomorrow.
- [Baby Crying]
1524
01:02:32,620 --> 01:02:34,019
That's my kid up there.
1525
01:02:34,121 --> 01:02:37,557
This is God with the weather
on DC 101.
1526
01:02:37,625 --> 01:02:38,785
You're all wrong, God.
1527
01:02:38,859 --> 01:02:40,724
You're completely
out of line this morning.
1528
01:02:40,794 --> 01:02:43,228
I don't think we should be
talking about this.
1529
01:02:43,297 --> 01:02:46,562
I went to the doctor with my wife,
and it was an awful experience,
1530
01:02:46,667 --> 01:02:49,067
because the doctor walks out,
and there's the kid,
1531
01:02:49,136 --> 01:02:50,228
your beautiful child,
1532
01:02:50,304 --> 01:02:52,568
and he's no bigger than
the size of an aspirin.
1533
01:02:52,673 --> 01:02:55,072
Howie Jr., no bigger
than the size of an aspirin.
1534
01:02:55,141 --> 01:02:56,574
Robin: Was it a boy?
1535
01:02:56,676 --> 01:02:58,576
It was a boy, yes.
He had a little tiny penis.
1536
01:02:58,678 --> 01:03:01,806
And then you look at him,
and he's in the formaldehyde jar.
1537
01:03:01,881 --> 01:03:03,815
And I said to my wife,
"Honey, don't be upset
1538
01:03:03,883 --> 01:03:05,817
that Howard Jr.'s
in a formaldehyde jar.
1539
01:03:05,885 --> 01:03:07,819
We're gonna take him out of
this office, we'll bring him home,
1540
01:03:07,887 --> 01:03:09,878
and next week we'll bring him
to the zoo in a stroller."
1541
01:03:09,956 --> 01:03:11,753
Oh, please!
1542
01:03:11,824 --> 01:03:13,416
I don't want to talk
about it, Robin.
1543
01:03:13,526 --> 01:03:14,857
I really think
you need counseling.
1544
01:03:14,928 --> 01:03:17,192
I'm gonna play a record.
DC 101.
1545
01:03:17,263 --> 01:03:19,254
We got some great tunes
for you this morning,
1546
01:03:19,332 --> 01:03:22,392
and then Robin will analyze me
when we get back from this song.
1547
01:03:22,468 --> 01:03:24,459
Very sad music.
1548
01:03:24,537 --> 01:03:25,561
[Taps Plays]
1549
01:03:25,672 --> 01:03:28,004
Not that, Fred.
Play something else, please.
1550
01:03:28,074 --> 01:03:29,507
For God's sake.
1551
01:03:29,609 --> 01:03:32,772
DC 101. Here's
rock 'n' roll for you.
1552
01:03:32,845 --> 01:03:33,777
[Music Plays]
1553
01:03:40,853 --> 01:03:43,287
Hi. Al, you home?
1554
01:03:46,091 --> 01:03:48,025
Hi. How you feeling?
You OK?
1555
01:03:48,093 --> 01:03:50,027
How could you do that?
Do you think that was funny?
1556
01:03:50,095 --> 01:03:53,030
You think it's funny to make jokes
about our personal life like that?
1557
01:03:53,098 --> 01:03:54,531
You're an asshole!
1558
01:03:54,633 --> 01:03:56,362
What are you
talking about?
1559
01:03:56,468 --> 01:03:58,561
Alison, I love you.
What are you talking about?
1560
01:03:58,670 --> 01:04:00,570
Howard, not everything
is for your audience.
1561
01:04:00,672 --> 01:04:03,266
I need a life that is ours,
that belongs to us.
1562
01:04:03,342 --> 01:04:05,310
I'm on the air 5 hours a day.
I'm trying to come up with material.
1563
01:04:05,377 --> 01:04:06,537
I hate going out.
1564
01:04:06,645 --> 01:04:07,976
Too bad!
1565
01:04:08,046 --> 01:04:10,310
I said when we came here,
if I was gonna win on the radio,
1566
01:04:10,382 --> 01:04:12,111
I'd have to talk about everything.
I couldn't hold back.
1567
01:04:12,217 --> 01:04:15,050
- Howard...
- Come on, last night we were laughing about this.
1568
01:04:15,120 --> 01:04:17,145
I just assumed
you thought it was funny.
1569
01:04:17,222 --> 01:04:18,951
It was funny for us
last night.
1570
01:04:19,024 --> 01:04:20,286
Privately, for us.
1571
01:04:20,359 --> 01:04:22,259
Alison, if I don't talk about
you and me on the air...
1572
01:04:22,327 --> 01:04:23,259
Shut up. Shut up.
1573
01:04:23,328 --> 01:04:24,761
The audience isn't
gonna be there.
1574
01:04:24,863 --> 01:04:25,761
Shut up! Shut up!
1575
01:04:25,864 --> 01:04:26,762
I won't make any money.
1576
01:04:26,865 --> 01:04:27,763
Shut up!
You disgust me!
1577
01:04:27,866 --> 01:04:29,731
I can't even look
at you, idiot!
1578
01:04:34,072 --> 01:04:35,505
It's hard, you know.
1579
01:04:35,607 --> 01:04:40,009
When he shares our most personal
details of our life together
1580
01:04:40,077 --> 01:04:42,511
with, you know,
millions of listeners, it's...
1581
01:04:44,882 --> 01:04:48,283
I wish that there were
more things that could be just ours.
1582
01:04:50,888 --> 01:04:53,789
But I think it's right that
I go crazy, you know?
1583
01:04:53,891 --> 01:04:57,793
You know, I think...
I don't know.
1584
01:04:57,895 --> 01:04:59,294
It's not simple.
1585
01:05:02,299 --> 01:05:07,100
Our entire Washington
radio audience has disappeared.
1586
01:05:07,171 --> 01:05:09,605
It seems the competition
has a disc jockey
1587
01:05:09,707 --> 01:05:13,871
that's caused a bit of a shift
in the listening patterns.
1588
01:05:13,944 --> 01:05:18,643
One disc jockey has wiped out
our entire audience?
1589
01:05:19,817 --> 01:05:21,114
Can we get him?
1590
01:05:22,420 --> 01:05:24,980
I've got such good news.
It's gonna blow your mind.
1591
01:05:25,056 --> 01:05:26,489
All right.
You go first.
1592
01:05:26,557 --> 01:05:28,990
OK. All right,
That's rude. You go first.
1593
01:05:29,059 --> 01:05:29,991
Go first.
1594
01:05:30,060 --> 01:05:31,493
OK. Listen to this.
1595
01:05:31,561 --> 01:05:33,529
I listen to radio.
I like show.
1596
01:05:33,596 --> 01:05:36,531
But don't make fun
of the Chinese people.
1597
01:05:36,599 --> 01:05:38,191
Make fun, not funny.
1598
01:05:38,301 --> 01:05:39,700
I didn't make fun
of the Chinese people, did I?
1599
01:05:39,769 --> 01:05:40,701
Probably.
1600
01:05:40,770 --> 01:05:42,931
I bring egg rolls.
1601
01:05:44,340 --> 01:05:47,275
What is your news?
What is it?
1602
01:05:47,343 --> 01:05:49,277
It's unbelievable.
1603
01:05:49,345 --> 01:05:52,337
I got a job offer today
from WNBC in New York.
1604
01:05:52,415 --> 01:05:55,851
Afternoon drive, the most powerful
radio station in their chain,
1605
01:05:55,952 --> 01:05:57,351
$150,000 a year.
1606
01:05:57,420 --> 01:05:59,854
And they said
if I do really well,
1607
01:05:59,956 --> 01:06:02,186
they're gonna syndicate
my program all over the country.
1608
01:06:02,258 --> 01:06:04,192
This is it.
This is everything I want.
1609
01:06:04,260 --> 01:06:07,093
It's like...
It's the dream, the Big Apple.
1610
01:06:07,163 --> 01:06:09,791
I'm pregnant.
1611
01:06:12,368 --> 01:06:13,995
You're pregnant?
1612
01:06:14,070 --> 01:06:15,731
Mm-hmm.
1613
01:06:19,175 --> 01:06:20,198
Come here.
1614
01:06:20,275 --> 01:06:21,207
What?
1615
01:06:21,276 --> 01:06:22,903
Come here.
Just come here.
1616
01:06:22,978 --> 01:06:24,240
Come here.
1617
01:06:24,346 --> 01:06:25,244
My God.
1618
01:06:25,347 --> 01:06:26,245
Pregnant?
1619
01:06:28,317 --> 01:06:29,614
So what's going on?
What's gonna happen?
1620
01:06:29,685 --> 01:06:30,617
Everything's good.
1621
01:06:30,686 --> 01:06:31,618
Yeah?
1622
01:06:31,687 --> 01:06:33,120
She's gonna
get naked?
1623
01:06:33,188 --> 01:06:34,621
Yeah, sure. Of course.
1624
01:06:34,690 --> 01:06:37,124
All right. Let's get her out.
Let's do it.
1625
01:06:37,192 --> 01:06:38,625
She'll get naked?
1626
01:06:38,694 --> 01:06:40,127
Yeah. That's why
we're here, man.
1627
01:06:41,830 --> 01:06:42,728
OK, honey.
1628
01:06:42,831 --> 01:06:44,264
Hi. How's it going?
1629
01:06:44,333 --> 01:06:46,733
- Oh, my God.
- This is Gary.
1630
01:06:46,835 --> 01:06:48,268
How you doing?
1631
01:06:48,337 --> 01:06:51,272
Good. I'm sorry. I know
I told you I'd do this,
1632
01:06:51,340 --> 01:06:52,739
but I've really
changed my mind.
1633
01:06:52,841 --> 01:06:54,274
I don't want to do it
anymore.
1634
01:06:54,343 --> 01:06:56,277
OK. What's, uh, like,
what's the problem?
1635
01:06:56,345 --> 01:06:58,279
What are you
worried about?
1636
01:06:58,347 --> 01:06:59,746
I just changed my mind.
1637
01:06:59,848 --> 01:07:01,281
Husband: What do you mean?
You are doing it.
1638
01:07:01,350 --> 01:07:03,284
We didn't drive here
for you to change your mind.
1639
01:07:03,352 --> 01:07:05,286
No. It's just very
humiliating to me.
1640
01:07:05,354 --> 01:07:06,286
What's humiliating?
1641
01:07:06,355 --> 01:07:07,447
It's not that big a deal.
1642
01:07:07,523 --> 01:07:09,286
We've done it a lot
on the show.
1643
01:07:09,358 --> 01:07:11,757
I think Howard would appreciate it
if you would do it for us.
1644
01:07:11,859 --> 01:07:14,225
No. I changed my mind,
and I'm really sorry.
1645
01:07:14,295 --> 01:07:17,230
I know I told you that I'd do it,
but I don't want to.
1646
01:07:17,298 --> 01:07:18,731
I think it's
very humiliating.
1647
01:07:18,766 --> 01:07:20,734
Husband: Honey, this is not humiliating.
This is show business.
1648
01:07:20,768 --> 01:07:22,736
You got a great body.
Let everybody see it.
1649
01:07:22,770 --> 01:07:24,237
Yeah. You're beautiful.
1650
01:07:24,305 --> 01:07:26,739
You're my husband. Don't make me do
something I don't want to do.
1651
01:07:26,774 --> 01:07:28,742
I'm proud of you,
and I want you to do it.
1652
01:07:28,776 --> 01:07:30,744
That's why we drove here
from Jersey.
1653
01:07:30,778 --> 01:07:32,746
What the hell is
this donkey here for?
1654
01:07:32,780 --> 01:07:34,748
Nobody told me anything
about a donkey.
1655
01:07:34,782 --> 01:07:35,908
It's a show business
donkey.
1656
01:07:35,983 --> 01:07:37,416
The donkey's not part
of the act.
1657
01:07:37,485 --> 01:07:38,918
It had nothing
to do with you.
1658
01:07:38,986 --> 01:07:40,920
You'll feel at ease
once we go do it.
1659
01:07:40,988 --> 01:07:42,421
It'll just
take 2 seconds.
1660
01:07:42,490 --> 01:07:44,253
Right now, I need to know,
are you doing it or not?
1661
01:07:44,325 --> 01:07:45,257
No, I'm not.
1662
01:07:45,326 --> 01:07:46,759
Honey, you are doing it.
1663
01:07:46,794 --> 01:07:49,262
I changed my mind. And you're
my husband. You should support me.
1664
01:07:49,330 --> 01:07:50,922
Howard goes to New York.
1665
01:07:50,998 --> 01:07:52,761
Thanks for nothing.
Gino, let the donkey go.
1666
01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:56,258
Come on, guys. Wrap it up.
They're not doing it.
1667
01:07:59,140 --> 01:08:01,074
[David Bowie's
Let's Dance Plays]
1668
01:08:02,809 --> 01:08:04,003
# Let's dance #
1669
01:08:05,579 --> 01:08:07,274
# Put on your red shoes #
1670
01:08:07,347 --> 01:08:09,440
# And dance the blues #
1671
01:08:11,284 --> 01:08:12,751
# Let's dance #
1672
01:08:12,819 --> 01:08:18,724
# To the song they're
playing on the radio... #
1673
01:08:18,792 --> 01:08:21,727
Reporter: What you're about
to hear is going to shock you
1674
01:08:21,795 --> 01:08:23,660
because it's vulgar
and obscene.
1675
01:08:23,730 --> 01:08:27,029
It's x-rated radio,
barnyard radio.
1676
01:08:27,100 --> 01:08:29,898
You mommies and daddies out there
who complained to the radio station,
1677
01:08:29,970 --> 01:08:31,733
I got something
to say to you.
1678
01:08:31,805 --> 01:08:33,500
Here. [Passes Gas]
1679
01:08:33,573 --> 01:08:35,734
Reporter: This is a story
with a twist.
1680
01:08:35,809 --> 01:08:37,902
While we were producing
this report,
1681
01:08:37,978 --> 01:08:41,243
Howard Stern was lured away from
Washington by a New York City station.
1682
01:08:41,314 --> 01:08:44,750
That station,
you guessed it, is WNBC...
1683
01:08:44,818 --> 01:08:46,183
[TV Clicks Off]
1684
01:08:47,654 --> 01:08:52,250
This person is coming here
to work at our flagship station?
1685
01:08:52,325 --> 01:08:54,758
Yes.
1686
01:08:54,827 --> 01:08:57,796
Brad, you gave this
trash-talking bastard a 3-year deal
1687
01:08:57,863 --> 01:08:59,330
without even hearing him
on the air?
1688
01:08:59,398 --> 01:09:00,330
Yes, Roger.
1689
01:09:00,399 --> 01:09:01,491
He's on the FCC's
most-wanted list.
1690
01:09:01,567 --> 01:09:02,556
Roger, his rate...
1691
01:09:02,668 --> 01:09:03,828
Chuck, will you show
him the numbers.
1692
01:09:03,869 --> 01:09:04,995
Through the roof.
1693
01:09:05,070 --> 01:09:06,503
No, no. Don't bother.
1694
01:09:06,572 --> 01:09:09,200
You're fired,
all of you. Get out.
1695
01:09:12,544 --> 01:09:13,636
Get out!
1696
01:09:27,793 --> 01:09:30,227
You know,
unless he quits,
1697
01:09:30,296 --> 01:09:33,231
it's gonna cost half
a million dollars
1698
01:09:33,299 --> 01:09:35,096
to buy
Stern's contract out.
1699
01:09:35,167 --> 01:09:37,533
I reject that
on principle.
1700
01:09:37,603 --> 01:09:41,733
Uh, Mr. Erlick,
if I may?
1701
01:09:42,908 --> 01:09:44,842
Put me in charge
of the Stern show.
1702
01:09:44,910 --> 01:09:46,843
Let me ride herd on him,
1703
01:09:46,911 --> 01:09:49,880
and I'll mold that son of a bitch
into another Don Imus.
1704
01:09:49,914 --> 01:09:51,245
When I'm through
whipping him,
1705
01:09:51,316 --> 01:09:54,513
that boy will be asking
permission to wipe his ass.
1706
01:09:54,585 --> 01:09:55,609
You want to tame him?
1707
01:09:55,720 --> 01:09:57,654
Well,
either I'll tame him,
1708
01:09:57,722 --> 01:09:59,713
or I'll make him
so crazy...
1709
01:09:59,824 --> 01:10:00,916
he'll quit.
1710
01:10:00,992 --> 01:10:04,086
So either way,
we win.
1711
01:10:05,396 --> 01:10:07,796
I'll tell you,
these halls are, like,
1712
01:10:07,865 --> 01:10:09,298
you know, uh,
legendary.
1713
01:10:09,367 --> 01:10:10,561
It's pretty wild.
1714
01:10:10,635 --> 01:10:11,795
Kenny. Howard Stern.
1715
01:10:11,869 --> 01:10:13,131
Hi. Hey,
How you doing?
1716
01:10:13,204 --> 01:10:14,068
Howard!
1717
01:10:14,138 --> 01:10:15,366
Great to meet you.
1718
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:17,374
Oh, it is such a pleasure
to meet you, Howard.
1719
01:10:17,442 --> 01:10:19,706
What can I say?
This is unbelievable, you know.
1720
01:10:19,777 --> 01:10:22,211
Kenny is the hottest
young programmer in New York City.
1721
01:10:22,280 --> 01:10:25,078
Howard, you gotta listen
to this man 'cause he's a genius.
1722
01:10:25,149 --> 01:10:26,810
Come on, now.
Ha ha ha ha.
1723
01:10:26,884 --> 01:10:27,816
Play nice.
1724
01:10:27,885 --> 01:10:29,216
Kenny: Thanks, man.
God bless.
1725
01:10:29,287 --> 01:10:30,720
Good seeing you.
I'll see you later.
1726
01:10:30,788 --> 01:10:31,777
He's terrific.
1727
01:10:31,889 --> 01:10:33,151
Oh, yeah,
he's been terrific.
1728
01:10:33,224 --> 01:10:34,657
Everyone's been so nice.
It's a good feeling.
1729
01:10:34,726 --> 01:10:36,659
Howard, how about
you have a seat?
1730
01:10:36,727 --> 01:10:39,287
Oh, Howard, Howard,
Howard, Howard, Howard.
1731
01:10:39,363 --> 01:10:41,126
[Both Chuckling]
1732
01:10:41,198 --> 01:10:44,224
Howard... the way
we work here at NBC...
1733
01:10:44,301 --> 01:10:47,737
is a more professional manner
than you're probably used to.
1734
01:10:47,804 --> 01:10:51,501
Now, see, I don't care about
what you did down in Washington,
1735
01:10:51,575 --> 01:10:53,509
'cause that's
chickenshit radio.
1736
01:10:53,577 --> 01:10:56,637
Here at NBC,
this is real radio.
1737
01:10:56,713 --> 01:10:59,147
And the first thing
you've gotta do
1738
01:10:59,216 --> 01:11:01,980
is say the call letters
properly, OK?
1739
01:11:02,052 --> 01:11:05,488
Now, I'm gonna teach you
how to say them, all right?
1740
01:11:05,555 --> 01:11:07,819
And you know,
I hope you can get them,
1741
01:11:07,891 --> 01:11:10,257
because, see, you don't
have a real good voice
1742
01:11:10,327 --> 01:11:11,794
like lmus or Captain Frank
or nothing,
1743
01:11:11,862 --> 01:11:13,727
so we're gonna
have to practice it.
1744
01:11:13,797 --> 01:11:15,230
Well...
1745
01:11:15,298 --> 01:11:17,994
you mean practice
in here now?
1746
01:11:18,068 --> 01:11:21,731
You're not going to get bashful
on me now, are you, Howard?
1747
01:11:21,805 --> 01:11:23,204
OK, you ready?
1748
01:11:23,273 --> 01:11:25,605
The way it's said
properly is...
1749
01:11:27,077 --> 01:11:30,512
W N BC.
1750
01:11:33,015 --> 01:11:34,380
This is key.
1751
01:11:34,450 --> 01:11:35,712
Come on.
1752
01:11:35,785 --> 01:11:37,548
[Unenthusiastically]
W N BC.
1753
01:11:37,620 --> 01:11:38,552
No. No.
1754
01:11:38,621 --> 01:11:40,179
It's gotta be more
like this.
1755
01:11:40,256 --> 01:11:41,450
[Clears Throat]
Listen up.
1756
01:11:41,524 --> 01:11:43,492
[Voice Lilting]
W N BC.
1757
01:11:43,559 --> 01:11:44,992
You hear that?
1758
01:11:45,027 --> 01:11:47,291
Kinda lift,
that N BC.
1759
01:11:47,363 --> 01:11:49,797
[Overemphasizing]
W N BC.
1760
01:11:49,865 --> 01:11:52,561
[Together]
W N BC.
1761
01:11:52,635 --> 01:11:53,829
Wider and kind of...
1762
01:11:53,903 --> 01:11:54,835
[Together]
W N BC.
1763
01:11:54,904 --> 01:11:55,836
One more.
1764
01:11:55,905 --> 01:11:57,338
In my mind,
I'm hearing...
1765
01:11:57,406 --> 01:11:59,271
It sounds like I'm saying
exactly what you're saying.
1766
01:11:59,341 --> 01:12:00,273
No. Actually...
1767
01:12:00,342 --> 01:12:01,468
W N BC.
1768
01:12:01,544 --> 01:12:02,909
You've gotta
listen to Imus.
1769
01:12:02,978 --> 01:12:05,412
Imus does it
perfectly.
1770
01:12:05,481 --> 01:12:08,416
Tell you what. I'm gonna take you
down to lmus' office right now,
1771
01:12:08,484 --> 01:12:10,748
and you're gonna hear how he does it.
Come on, boy.
1772
01:12:10,820 --> 01:12:12,253
- You know, I...
- Come on.
1773
01:12:12,321 --> 01:12:13,754
I gotta tell you
something, Kenny.
1774
01:12:13,823 --> 01:12:15,688
I always saw myself sort of
something different than lmus.
1775
01:12:15,758 --> 01:12:17,191
That's why
you hired me.
1776
01:12:17,259 --> 01:12:19,692
You are original. You are original,
but... [Clears Throat]
1777
01:12:19,761 --> 01:12:21,695
You say a lot
of offensive things,
1778
01:12:21,763 --> 01:12:23,697
and occasionally
you are real funny,
1779
01:12:23,765 --> 01:12:26,199
but you've got to learn
to do what Imus does.
1780
01:12:26,267 --> 01:12:28,792
See, he doesn't actually
say the bad thing himself.
1781
01:12:28,903 --> 01:12:30,336
He says it
through a character.
1782
01:12:30,405 --> 01:12:31,838
Yeah, well,
I don't do character...
1783
01:12:31,906 --> 01:12:34,841
How about you go on
the air 3 A.M. This morning,
1784
01:12:34,909 --> 01:12:36,342
show us some characters.
OK?
1785
01:12:36,411 --> 01:12:38,777
Good. Now,
I'm gonna go in there
1786
01:12:38,847 --> 01:12:41,941
and just see how he's feeling.
You stay here. OK?
1787
01:12:43,351 --> 01:12:44,750
Mr. Imus?
1788
01:12:48,022 --> 01:12:49,182
Howard: Back then,
1789
01:12:49,257 --> 01:12:51,623
Don lmus was the number one
disc jockey in New York,
1790
01:12:51,693 --> 01:12:53,388
so I guess I was kind of
curious to meet him.
1791
01:12:53,461 --> 01:12:54,428
Imus: You are
interrupting me.
1792
01:12:54,496 --> 01:12:56,896
Kenny: I have, uh,
Howard Stern outside.
1793
01:12:56,965 --> 01:12:57,989
You have who outside?
1794
01:12:58,099 --> 01:12:59,566
The young man
from Washington that we...
1795
01:12:59,634 --> 01:13:01,568
You have Howard Stern
outside my fucking office?
1796
01:13:01,636 --> 01:13:03,763
How did Howard Stern
get outside my fucking office?
1797
01:13:03,838 --> 01:13:05,100
I brought him down...
1798
01:13:05,206 --> 01:13:07,037
Well, I'm not gonna meet
that stupid fuck. He's nothing.
1799
01:13:08,543 --> 01:13:09,510
Fuck off!
1800
01:13:12,279 --> 01:13:13,193
# 66 #
1801
01:13:13,194 --> 01:13:14,107
# 66 #
1802
01:13:14,214 --> 01:13:17,650
# WNBC #
1803
01:13:17,718 --> 01:13:19,185
Hello. I'm Robin Quivers,
1804
01:13:19,286 --> 01:13:22,278
and it's my great pleasure
to introduce you
1805
01:13:22,389 --> 01:13:24,619
to New York's
newest disc jockey.
1806
01:13:24,691 --> 01:13:27,125
Howard, Lisping:
Ooo-ey, that's me.
1807
01:13:27,194 --> 01:13:29,890
Hi. I'm Lance Eluxina
on W N BC.
1808
01:13:29,963 --> 01:13:30,895
WNBC.
1809
01:13:30,964 --> 01:13:32,295
I'm so excited
1810
01:13:32,366 --> 01:13:35,130
because I am New York's
first ever gay disc jockey.
1811
01:13:35,202 --> 01:13:36,134
Ever!
1812
01:13:36,203 --> 01:13:38,034
And now I want to
introduce to you...
1813
01:13:38,105 --> 01:13:39,094
This is
so exciting...
1814
01:13:39,206 --> 01:13:40,195
I want to introduce
to you
1815
01:13:40,307 --> 01:13:42,366
someone so marvelous,
so wonderful to me,
1816
01:13:42,442 --> 01:13:43,670
someone who
has supported me,
1817
01:13:43,744 --> 01:13:45,871
is my life mate,
my soul mate, my love mate.
1818
01:13:45,946 --> 01:13:48,608
He's everything and anything
to me, Mr. Blackswell.
1819
01:13:48,682 --> 01:13:50,115
[Lisping]
Willkommen. Bienvenue.
1820
01:13:50,150 --> 01:13:53,142
Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so lovely
to see you here today.
1821
01:13:53,253 --> 01:13:54,584
Hi, Mr. Engineer. Hi.
1822
01:13:54,655 --> 01:13:57,453
Mmm. Give me
a kiss. Mmm!
1823
01:13:57,524 --> 01:13:59,890
You two are just
adorable together,
1824
01:13:59,960 --> 01:14:02,427
and it's a wonderful thing
to have you here,
1825
01:14:02,495 --> 01:14:04,986
but I understand there's
already been a problem?
1826
01:14:05,097 --> 01:14:06,121
Yes. You know
about this?
1827
01:14:06,232 --> 01:14:07,790
I was in the program
director's office.
1828
01:14:07,900 --> 01:14:08,958
His name
is Pig Vomit.
1829
01:14:09,068 --> 01:14:10,467
Yes, because he
looks like a pig,
1830
01:14:10,536 --> 01:14:11,730
and he makes you
want to vomit.
1831
01:14:11,804 --> 01:14:12,736
He's Pig Vomit.
1832
01:14:12,805 --> 01:14:14,033
Anyway, Pig Vomit
says to me,
1833
01:14:14,106 --> 01:14:15,801
"This is not WNBC.
1834
01:14:15,875 --> 01:14:19,276
It is W N BC,
W N BC,"
1835
01:14:19,345 --> 01:14:21,040
and I was not saying
the call letters right.
1836
01:14:21,113 --> 01:14:22,375
It's a big problem,
1837
01:14:22,448 --> 01:14:24,712
so in order
to rectify this,
1838
01:14:24,784 --> 01:14:27,014
I brought in a cup
of Blackswell's semen.
1839
01:14:27,086 --> 01:14:28,678
Semen?
1840
01:14:28,754 --> 01:14:29,982
I squoze it myself.
1841
01:14:30,056 --> 01:14:31,648
I hope it's
not too tangy.
1842
01:14:31,724 --> 01:14:32,713
And what are you
gonna do with it?
1843
01:14:32,825 --> 01:14:34,292
I'm gonna gargle
with this
1844
01:14:34,360 --> 01:14:36,089
and say the call letters over
and over again until I get it right.
1845
01:14:36,162 --> 01:14:37,390
You think
that'll work?
1846
01:14:37,463 --> 01:14:39,761
I don't care, 'cause I love
the taste of a man. Ooga.
1847
01:14:39,832 --> 01:14:41,493
["Ooga" Continues]
1848
01:14:41,567 --> 01:14:42,966
All right, if I could
have some music now.
1849
01:14:43,035 --> 01:14:45,003
Mr. Engineer, please,
some music.
1850
01:14:45,071 --> 01:14:47,198
Would you, please?
Would you give us a record,
1851
01:14:47,273 --> 01:14:48,205
por favor?
1852
01:14:48,274 --> 01:14:49,400
[Disco Music Plays]
1853
01:14:49,475 --> 01:14:51,170
OK, thank you.
1854
01:14:51,210 --> 01:14:53,609
Now watch and learn.
1855
01:14:53,678 --> 01:14:55,407
# La la la
la la la #
1856
01:14:57,482 --> 01:14:58,414
[Gargling]
1857
01:14:58,483 --> 01:15:01,316
[Saying Call Letters]
1858
01:15:01,386 --> 01:15:02,375
There she blows.
1859
01:15:03,722 --> 01:15:05,314
[Humming With Record]
1860
01:15:05,390 --> 01:15:07,881
Oh. Can you believe it?
1861
01:15:07,993 --> 01:15:09,358
You just swallowed.
1862
01:15:09,427 --> 01:15:10,985
I swallowed.
Oh, my God.
1863
01:15:11,096 --> 01:15:12,654
Waste not,
want not, Robin.
1864
01:15:12,731 --> 01:15:13,993
Oh!
1865
01:15:14,065 --> 01:15:18,434
I wanna say I love
W N BC.
1866
01:15:18,503 --> 01:15:19,765
See? It worked.
I can say it.
1867
01:15:19,838 --> 01:15:21,772
W N BC.
1868
01:15:24,609 --> 01:15:26,804
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
1869
01:15:26,878 --> 01:15:28,505
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
1870
01:15:28,580 --> 01:15:30,514
- WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold.
1871
01:15:30,582 --> 01:15:32,106
Record:
# Stop it now... #
1872
01:15:34,786 --> 01:15:37,983
So we gave them
some characters, right?
1873
01:15:41,593 --> 01:15:42,525
Get in.
1874
01:15:50,601 --> 01:15:53,229
You goddamn
motherfuckers.
1875
01:15:53,270 --> 01:15:54,794
You fucking waltz
in here,
1876
01:15:54,905 --> 01:15:56,930
and you think you know
everything, don't you?
1877
01:15:57,041 --> 01:15:59,441
Well, I fucking worked
my fucking ass off
1878
01:15:59,510 --> 01:16:00,943
to get to
New York City,
1879
01:16:01,011 --> 01:16:02,376
and you sure as fuck
1880
01:16:02,446 --> 01:16:05,210
are not gonna fucking
blow it for me!
1881
01:16:05,282 --> 01:16:06,214
I was just
doing character...
1882
01:16:06,283 --> 01:16:07,215
Barry, Jerry,
1883
01:16:07,284 --> 01:16:09,582
clarify the situation
for him, please.
1884
01:16:09,653 --> 01:16:11,587
Page 108,
paragraph 3:
1885
01:16:11,655 --> 01:16:13,350
"No jokes dealing
with flatulence,
1886
01:16:13,424 --> 01:16:15,619
"excretion, urination,
ejaculation,
1887
01:16:15,693 --> 01:16:17,058
or other
bodily functions."
1888
01:16:17,127 --> 01:16:18,355
Also note paragraph 2:
1889
01:16:18,429 --> 01:16:20,226
"No use of the so-called
7 dirty words.
1890
01:16:20,297 --> 01:16:21,730
"These are cocksucker,
motherfucker,
1891
01:16:21,799 --> 01:16:23,926
fuck, shit, cunt,
cock, and pussy."
1892
01:16:24,001 --> 01:16:26,970
Now, from now on,
all your little bits
1893
01:16:27,071 --> 01:16:29,403
are gonna be under
2 minutes in duration,
1894
01:16:29,473 --> 01:16:32,909
and all scripts...
and I do mean all scripts...
1895
01:16:33,010 --> 01:16:34,773
require
my personal approval.
1896
01:16:34,845 --> 01:16:37,039
Welcome to NBC, Howard.
1897
01:16:37,113 --> 01:16:38,828
# 66, WNBC #
1898
01:16:38,829 --> 01:16:40,544
# 66, WNBC #
1899
01:16:40,616 --> 01:16:44,313
It's time for
The Match Game.
1900
01:16:44,420 --> 01:16:45,409
[Game Show Music Plays]
1901
01:16:45,521 --> 01:16:47,318
And thank you,
Mr. Announcer.
1902
01:16:47,423 --> 01:16:50,256
Hi, everybody.
My name is Gene Sternburn,
1903
01:16:50,326 --> 01:16:53,261
and welcome
to Match Game.
1904
01:16:53,329 --> 01:16:55,058
We have a lot of excitement
in the air today
1905
01:16:55,131 --> 01:16:56,962
because we have
some great panelists.
1906
01:16:57,033 --> 01:16:58,967
Let me introduce you
to everybody.
1907
01:16:59,102 --> 01:17:00,660
First of all, I want to
introduce all of you
1908
01:17:00,770 --> 01:17:03,295
to a very, very charming
and beautiful lady,
1909
01:17:03,406 --> 01:17:05,203
the very beautiful
Miss Brett Somers.
1910
01:17:05,274 --> 01:17:06,206
How are you, baby?
1911
01:17:06,275 --> 01:17:07,503
[Gravelly Voice]
Hi, Gene.
1912
01:17:07,577 --> 01:17:09,636
Hygiene, that's something
I don't think you have.
1913
01:17:09,746 --> 01:17:11,213
Hey, back off.
1914
01:17:11,280 --> 01:17:14,306
OK, and let's now go over
to somebody who I really admire,
1915
01:17:14,417 --> 01:17:16,942
the ex-president of
the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.
1916
01:17:17,053 --> 01:17:18,452
[Lmitating Voice]
Hello, everybody. Hello.
1917
01:17:18,521 --> 01:17:20,580
I'm very, very honored
right now
1918
01:17:20,690 --> 01:17:23,659
to introduce to all of you
a very special man.
1919
01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:26,228
He's come all the way
to our show for the first time.
1920
01:17:26,295 --> 01:17:28,762
Mr. Jackie "The Jokeman"
Martling.
1921
01:17:28,830 --> 01:17:30,525
Well, thank you, Gene.
That's very nice of you.
1922
01:17:30,632 --> 01:17:32,190
Let's play our game now,
OK? Shall we?
1923
01:17:32,300 --> 01:17:35,167
And what we're gonna do is ask you
to fill in the blank, OK?
1924
01:17:35,237 --> 01:17:37,137
Now, I want you
to listen carefully.
1925
01:17:37,205 --> 01:17:39,571
Our first clue up is...
1926
01:17:39,641 --> 01:17:41,336
blank willow.
1927
01:17:41,443 --> 01:17:43,377
Blank willow.
1928
01:17:43,445 --> 01:17:44,844
[Music Plays]
1929
01:17:44,913 --> 01:17:46,437
Let's go over to
Miss Brett Somers right now.
1930
01:17:46,548 --> 01:17:48,948
Now, Brett, what did you
have for us? Blank willow.
1931
01:17:49,017 --> 01:17:51,485
The only thing
on my mind, Gene,
1932
01:17:51,586 --> 01:17:52,518
was pussy.
1933
01:17:52,587 --> 01:17:54,350
Uh-oh.
1934
01:17:54,389 --> 01:17:56,118
Pussy. Hey, all right.
1935
01:17:56,224 --> 01:17:57,521
Hey, that's kind of wild.
1936
01:17:57,592 --> 01:17:59,219
Pussy willow, that's
what I would have said.
1937
01:17:59,327 --> 01:18:01,659
All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon,
former president of the United States.
1938
01:18:01,730 --> 01:18:03,163
What did you have?
Blank willow.
1939
01:18:03,231 --> 01:18:04,755
In any language, pussy.
1940
01:18:04,866 --> 01:18:06,731
All right!
1941
01:18:06,802 --> 01:18:08,167
Now let's go
to our newest member
1942
01:18:08,236 --> 01:18:09,464
of the panel,
1943
01:18:09,571 --> 01:18:13,507
Mr. Jackie "Jokeman"
Martling. Blank willow.
1944
01:18:13,608 --> 01:18:15,075
Well, Gene, I didn't
write it too neat,
1945
01:18:15,177 --> 01:18:16,644
so I have
a sloppy pussy.
1946
01:18:16,711 --> 01:18:18,110
Sloppy pussy!
1947
01:18:18,180 --> 01:18:20,409
We had a sloppy and a fuzzy
pussy and a very big one.
1948
01:18:20,481 --> 01:18:21,948
Are we talking
about Brett again?
1949
01:18:22,016 --> 01:18:23,950
All right, now,
Let's keep going.
1950
01:18:24,018 --> 01:18:25,918
Now it's gonna get
a little rougher, OK?
1951
01:18:25,986 --> 01:18:27,283
Everybody ready?
1952
01:18:27,354 --> 01:18:29,879
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1953
01:18:29,990 --> 01:18:31,048
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1954
01:18:31,158 --> 01:18:32,090
[Music Plays]
1955
01:18:32,159 --> 01:18:33,421
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1956
01:18:33,527 --> 01:18:35,688
Think about that while
the celebrities are writing.
1957
01:18:35,796 --> 01:18:37,593
Here we are. Let's go over
to our Dick Nixon,
1958
01:18:37,665 --> 01:18:39,064
our own ex-president.
What do you got there, Dick?
1959
01:18:39,133 --> 01:18:41,658
Well, it takes a Dick to know
a cock, and that's what I wrote.
1960
01:18:41,769 --> 01:18:43,760
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
1961
01:18:43,871 --> 01:18:45,202
Now, that's what
I would have said.
1962
01:18:45,272 --> 01:18:46,830
That seemed
like the obvious answer.
1963
01:18:46,941 --> 01:18:48,465
OK, let's go to our own
Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.
1964
01:18:48,576 --> 01:18:49,508
Jackie The Jokeman?
1965
01:18:49,577 --> 01:18:51,670
Gene, I have cock,
and I wrote it big.
1966
01:18:51,779 --> 01:18:53,110
I have a big cock.
1967
01:18:53,180 --> 01:18:55,648
Uh, I don't think you can
say "big cock" on the radio.
1968
01:18:55,716 --> 01:18:56,774
I think that's a no-no.
1969
01:18:56,884 --> 01:18:58,351
But I just said pussy.
1970
01:18:58,419 --> 01:18:59,386
Yeah, she
just said pussy.
1971
01:18:59,453 --> 01:19:01,751
Yes, pussy is OK.
It's the way he says it.
1972
01:19:01,822 --> 01:19:04,188
"Big cock" coming out of
your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
1973
01:19:04,258 --> 01:19:06,192
So I can't say
"big cock,"
1974
01:19:06,260 --> 01:19:08,228
but you can say "big cock
coming out of my mouth"?
1975
01:19:08,329 --> 01:19:09,795
- That's correct.
- That sucks.
1976
01:19:09,896 --> 01:19:13,263
Did you just say, "big cock
coming out of your mouth sucks"?
1977
01:19:13,333 --> 01:19:15,392
All right,
enough of this nonsense.
1978
01:19:15,468 --> 01:19:17,197
We gotta move
to Miss Brett Somers.
1979
01:19:17,303 --> 01:19:19,567
Just like the boys,
Gene, I've got cock.
1980
01:19:19,639 --> 01:19:21,971
There it is, cock-a-doo...
do me a favor
1981
01:19:22,041 --> 01:19:24,134
and hold that up
so I can see your cock.
1982
01:19:24,244 --> 01:19:26,542
Aw, Gene, don't
have...
1983
01:19:26,613 --> 01:19:29,241
All right, there it is.
Cock, cock, cock.
1984
01:19:29,349 --> 01:19:32,284
I must tell you, though,
we have to end this fun right now.
1985
01:19:32,352 --> 01:19:34,183
I want to thank all of you.
Give yourselves a big hand.
1986
01:19:34,254 --> 01:19:36,313
[Clapping]
1987
01:19:38,258 --> 01:19:41,125
OK, let's have
a little music, Phil.
1988
01:19:41,194 --> 01:19:44,254
You did not have permission
to do that bit.
1989
01:19:44,364 --> 01:19:46,423
I never approved that script,
God damn it, Howard!
1990
01:19:46,499 --> 01:19:48,490
Wait a second.
Calm down, OK, Kenny?
1991
01:19:48,601 --> 01:19:49,966
There's a perfectly
good explanation.
1992
01:19:50,036 --> 01:19:51,765
I'm all ears, Howard.
Let's hear it.
1993
01:19:51,871 --> 01:19:54,465
I gave the script
to Fred.
1994
01:19:54,574 --> 01:19:57,042
[Still lmitating Nixon]
And I gave it to Robin over there.
1995
01:19:57,143 --> 01:20:00,044
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, Kenny.
1996
01:20:00,113 --> 01:20:01,238
I forgot to put it
in your box.
1997
01:20:01,346 --> 01:20:02,836
There you go.
Perfectly good explanation.
1998
01:20:02,948 --> 01:20:04,916
It'll never happen again,
Kenny.
1999
01:20:05,017 --> 01:20:07,747
You're goddamn right she's never
gonna do it again. You're fired.
2000
01:20:07,819 --> 01:20:08,843
What?
2001
01:20:08,954 --> 01:20:11,013
Gather your things together,
Robin. Let's go.
2002
01:20:11,123 --> 01:20:13,023
Wait a second, Kenny.
What are you talking about?
2003
01:20:13,091 --> 01:20:14,683
She had nothing
to do with the bit.
2004
01:20:14,793 --> 01:20:15,817
It was all me.
2005
01:20:15,928 --> 01:20:17,156
Pack up your shit.
I'm not kidding. Let's go.
2006
01:20:17,262 --> 01:20:19,457
Kenny, you can't blame
someone over one lousy bit.
2007
01:20:19,531 --> 01:20:20,759
You can't go firing them.
2008
01:20:20,866 --> 01:20:23,357
Oh, yes, I can, Howard.
2009
01:20:23,468 --> 01:20:24,958
Robin, get the fuck out!
2010
01:20:25,070 --> 01:20:26,901
#... A boy could give you #
2011
01:20:26,972 --> 01:20:28,405
# Take my tears and... #
2012
01:20:28,473 --> 01:20:29,838
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
2013
01:20:29,908 --> 01:20:31,671
If you give me
a couple of days,
2014
01:20:31,743 --> 01:20:33,267
I know I can get you
back on the air.
2015
01:20:33,378 --> 01:20:34,743
Forget it.
2016
01:20:34,813 --> 01:20:36,508
They're trying to break us apart.
They're trying to beat us.
2017
01:20:36,615 --> 01:20:38,549
That's the whole point.
You and Fred should quit,
2018
01:20:38,650 --> 01:20:39,981
and we should go
somewhere else.
2019
01:20:40,052 --> 01:20:42,350
Quit? If I quit,
they win.
2020
01:20:42,421 --> 01:20:44,753
Don't you see? I don't want them to win.
I can't quit.
2021
01:20:44,823 --> 01:20:46,256
- You're not gonna quit?
- No.
2022
01:20:46,325 --> 01:20:48,020
You're gonna let 'em
throw me out like garbage?
2023
01:20:48,126 --> 01:20:50,151
No. I want to beat these guys,
stomp them into the ground.
2024
01:20:50,262 --> 01:20:52,253
The only way to do that
is to stay on the air.
2025
01:20:52,363 --> 01:20:53,523
I've gotta stay
on the air, Robin.
2026
01:20:53,631 --> 01:20:54,563
You're pathetic.
2027
01:20:54,632 --> 01:20:55,792
I'm not pathetic.
2028
01:20:55,900 --> 01:20:57,925
Just give me a couple of days
to make them understand.
2029
01:20:58,035 --> 01:20:59,696
I can convince these guys
to bring you back.
2030
01:20:59,804 --> 01:21:01,829
I know I can do that.
I have that ability.
2031
01:21:01,939 --> 01:21:03,236
Fuck you.
2032
01:21:03,307 --> 01:21:04,672
They're gonna hire you back.
How can you say "fuck you"?
2033
01:21:04,742 --> 01:21:06,039
[Horn Honks]
2034
01:21:06,110 --> 01:21:07,839
Hey, move it,
asshole!
2035
01:21:07,945 --> 01:21:09,503
She hates me. She thinks
I'm total scum.
2036
01:21:09,580 --> 01:21:11,047
She thinks
I'm lower than scum.
2037
01:21:11,115 --> 01:21:13,481
She thinks you're
letting her take the fall.
2038
01:21:13,551 --> 01:21:14,950
Well, what do you think?
2039
01:21:16,921 --> 01:21:19,719
I think you've been loyal
to every person you've ever worked with.
2040
01:21:19,790 --> 01:21:21,690
That's the way you are,
you know?
2041
01:21:21,759 --> 01:21:23,818
You'll find a way
to get her back.
2042
01:21:25,429 --> 01:21:27,090
In fact,
I feel sorry for NBC,
2043
01:21:27,198 --> 01:21:28,597
because as soon
as you start in on them,
2044
01:21:28,699 --> 01:21:30,690
they're gonna be sorry they ever
fired her in the first place.
2045
01:21:30,801 --> 01:21:32,701
You're right.
2046
01:21:32,770 --> 01:21:34,101
I know.
2047
01:21:34,205 --> 01:21:39,507
Howard, Fred, I'd like you
to meet your new newsman,
2048
01:21:39,577 --> 01:21:41,067
Ross Buckingham.
2049
01:21:41,178 --> 01:21:42,975
Hi. Pleasure.
2050
01:21:43,047 --> 01:21:44,980
I'm looking forward
to joining the team.
2051
01:21:45,048 --> 01:21:46,777
Now, old Ross here's
quite lively,
2052
01:21:46,883 --> 01:21:47,975
and I think he'll
fit in well
2053
01:21:48,084 --> 01:21:49,210
with your special
brand of humor.
2054
01:21:49,319 --> 01:21:51,253
As a matter of fact,
2055
01:21:51,321 --> 01:21:54,415
I'm a bit of
an old comedy man myself.
2056
01:21:54,524 --> 01:21:57,584
I've done quite a bit
of light comedy in my younger years.
2057
01:21:57,694 --> 01:22:00,219
Summer stock... mostly.
2058
01:22:02,198 --> 01:22:05,361
Hundreds of people gathered
in Central Park this afternoon
2059
01:22:05,468 --> 01:22:07,436
to remember former Beatle
John Lennon,
2060
01:22:07,504 --> 01:22:10,200
who was murdered 2 years ago
today. Lennon's killer...
2061
01:22:10,306 --> 01:22:11,773
Hey, let me
ask you something, Ross.
2062
01:22:11,841 --> 01:22:13,308
Were you a Beatles fan?
2063
01:22:13,376 --> 01:22:17,073
Uh... y-yes,
I... I was, once.
2064
01:22:17,180 --> 01:22:19,614
Lennon's killer,
Mark David Chapman...
2065
01:22:19,649 --> 01:22:22,675
Now, Mark David Chapman, now,
there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.
2066
01:22:22,786 --> 01:22:24,651
Mark David Chapman,
what do you make of him?
2067
01:22:24,754 --> 01:22:27,621
I mean, he's probably in a prison cell
right now enjoying himself.
2068
01:22:27,657 --> 01:22:31,252
I say electrocute him. You gotta be
with that program, huh, Ross?
2069
01:22:31,361 --> 01:22:33,261
I hope this was a good idea.
2070
01:22:33,329 --> 01:22:35,762
Ross: Uh, I think
we're supposed
2071
01:22:35,831 --> 01:22:37,526
to be having
the news now.
2072
01:22:37,633 --> 01:22:39,430
Howard: Forget that.
Just repeat after me, Ross.
2073
01:22:39,501 --> 01:22:41,196
I want to kill
Mark David Chapman.
2074
01:22:41,303 --> 01:22:42,770
[Music Plays]
2075
01:22:42,871 --> 01:22:44,862
# 66 #
2076
01:22:44,973 --> 01:22:47,840
# WNBC #
2077
01:22:47,910 --> 01:22:49,605
Are we ready in there,
Freddy Boy?
2078
01:22:49,678 --> 01:22:51,942
OK. We've got our next
phone call to Ross.
2079
01:22:52,014 --> 01:22:53,311
Guess who's
on the phone with us.
2080
01:22:53,382 --> 01:22:54,872
I really have no idea.
2081
01:22:54,983 --> 01:22:57,747
Just take a wild guess.
Do it right off the top of your head.
2082
01:22:57,820 --> 01:22:59,617
Um...
2083
01:22:59,688 --> 01:23:01,417
This is a good one.
It's a good mystery guest.
2084
01:23:01,523 --> 01:23:03,514
Um...
2085
01:23:03,625 --> 01:23:05,559
What an ad-libber, Ross.
2086
01:23:05,627 --> 01:23:07,595
All right, I don't want to
put you under too much pressure.
2087
01:23:07,696 --> 01:23:08,993
Hi. Is this
Betty Jean Rushton?
2088
01:23:09,064 --> 01:23:10,031
Yes, it is.
2089
01:23:10,099 --> 01:23:11,691
Betty Jean, hi.
It's Howard Stern,
2090
01:23:11,800 --> 01:23:12,698
W N BC.
2091
01:23:12,801 --> 01:23:14,325
I work with
your husband Kenny.
2092
01:23:14,436 --> 01:23:16,267
Yes. Kenny's
mentioned you.
2093
01:23:16,338 --> 01:23:17,635
Oh, I bet Kenny has.
2094
01:23:17,706 --> 01:23:20,402
The reason I'm calling
is because your husband
2095
01:23:20,509 --> 01:23:22,636
has been very bitchy
around here lately,
2096
01:23:22,711 --> 01:23:25,805
and I'm thinking that maybe
if you gave him some more sex...
2097
01:23:25,914 --> 01:23:27,312
More sex?
2098
01:23:27,381 --> 01:23:29,849
Yeah. He's backed up.
Isn't he backed up, Ross?
2099
01:23:29,951 --> 01:23:33,045
Yes. You know, you might
be right about that, Howard.
2100
01:23:33,154 --> 01:23:34,553
Oh, really?
I am right.
2101
01:23:34,622 --> 01:23:36,124
Howard!
2102
01:23:36,257 --> 01:23:37,986
You ever do that again,
I'll kill you.
2103
01:23:38,059 --> 01:23:40,220
I need Robin.
She's the anchor on the show.
2104
01:23:40,294 --> 01:23:41,352
That's
what's missing.
2105
01:23:41,429 --> 01:23:42,726
You have violated
my wife.
2106
01:23:42,797 --> 01:23:43,729
I did not.
2107
01:23:43,798 --> 01:23:45,959
You soiled the sanctity
of my home!
2108
01:23:46,033 --> 01:23:47,591
What are you saying?
I didn't do anything.
2109
01:23:47,668 --> 01:23:48,896
I wouldn't even be
doing bits like that
2110
01:23:48,970 --> 01:23:50,403
if Robin was with me.
2111
01:23:50,471 --> 01:23:52,336
I never would have even
called his wife on the air
2112
01:23:52,406 --> 01:23:53,338
if I had Robin
sitting there.
2113
01:23:53,407 --> 01:23:54,635
She's the voice
of reason.
2114
01:23:54,709 --> 01:23:57,644
You know what?
You know what you are, Stern?
2115
01:23:57,712 --> 01:23:59,145
You're the Antichrist.
2116
01:23:59,213 --> 01:24:00,680
- What?
- Yes, that's what you are!
2117
01:24:00,748 --> 01:24:03,740
You are the motherfucking
Antichrist!
2118
01:24:03,818 --> 01:24:06,048
Kenny, take it easy.
2119
01:24:13,661 --> 01:24:16,152
Well, this is an exciting day
for us here in the studio
2120
01:24:16,230 --> 01:24:17,628
because we have a stage star
with us.
2121
01:24:17,697 --> 01:24:19,597
This is Donna Porter
with us on the show,
2122
01:24:19,666 --> 01:24:22,533
and she's here to talk
about life in the theater,
2123
01:24:22,602 --> 01:24:24,160
and, Donna, I don't know
if you know this,
2124
01:24:24,237 --> 01:24:26,330
but our own news guy
Ross Buckingham
2125
01:24:26,406 --> 01:24:29,068
actually has some theater experience
as well, don't you, Ross?
2126
01:24:29,142 --> 01:24:31,838
Do you want to tell us
about that?
2127
01:24:31,912 --> 01:24:34,745
Yes. Um... I once did
some summer stock.
2128
01:24:34,815 --> 01:24:36,077
I know you're very,
very proud
2129
01:24:36,149 --> 01:24:37,616
of your summer stock
experience.
2130
01:24:37,684 --> 01:24:39,015
When you went on stage
the very first time,
2131
01:24:39,085 --> 01:24:40,052
did you ever
get nervous?
2132
01:24:40,120 --> 01:24:44,113
No, I was...
quite comfortable.
2133
01:24:44,191 --> 01:24:45,852
Howard: I see.
That's very interesting.
2134
01:24:45,926 --> 01:24:47,359
Then, in 1926,
2135
01:24:47,427 --> 01:24:50,590
General Sarnoff
formed NBC radio,
2136
01:24:50,664 --> 01:24:52,291
America's first network.
2137
01:24:52,365 --> 01:24:55,391
I guess you could say
I was a little nervous
2138
01:24:55,468 --> 01:24:58,596
the first time I was ever
on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.
2139
01:24:58,672 --> 01:25:00,139
Now, why is that?
2140
01:25:00,207 --> 01:25:01,799
Can I show you?
2141
01:25:03,276 --> 01:25:05,369
Sure. I think we'd like
to see what you have.
2142
01:25:05,445 --> 01:25:07,913
Right now, you're getting
a look at a live broadcast
2143
01:25:07,981 --> 01:25:09,038
of The Howard Stern
Show.
2144
01:25:09,114 --> 01:25:10,274
That's about 13 inches,
2145
01:25:10,349 --> 01:25:12,408
and you're licking
whipped cream off a kielbasa,
2146
01:25:12,484 --> 01:25:13,610
and you're putting it
in your mouth,
2147
01:25:13,686 --> 01:25:15,449
and you're jamming
the kielbasa
2148
01:25:15,521 --> 01:25:16,988
all the way down
your throat.
2149
01:25:17,056 --> 01:25:18,318
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
2150
01:25:18,390 --> 01:25:20,984
The entire kielbasa
is going down.
2151
01:25:21,060 --> 01:25:23,995
She has swallowed an entire
13-inch kielbasa.
2152
01:25:24,063 --> 01:25:27,555
Look at that.
A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen.
2153
01:25:27,633 --> 01:25:29,965
Wow. You gotta
love that, folks.
2154
01:25:30,035 --> 01:25:32,595
You gotta love it,
don't you, Ross? Ho ho.
2155
01:25:32,671 --> 01:25:34,639
Ross Buckingham,
have you ever seen a woman
2156
01:25:34,707 --> 01:25:36,675
swallow
an entire 13- inch kielbasa?
2157
01:25:36,742 --> 01:25:37,834
When you were
in the theater,
2158
01:25:37,943 --> 01:25:39,103
did you ever work
with a kielbasa?
2159
01:25:39,178 --> 01:25:40,668
What he did to me today
2160
01:25:40,746 --> 01:25:45,206
was the most unprofessional
and insulting experience of my life.
2161
01:25:45,284 --> 01:25:48,583
I hold you and this station
personally responsible.
2162
01:25:48,654 --> 01:25:50,918
If you want to fire me,
fire me. Go ahead.
2163
01:25:50,990 --> 01:25:53,959
But I refuse to work with
this man one minute longer.
2164
01:25:56,328 --> 01:25:57,454
Good day.
2165
01:25:59,064 --> 01:26:02,328
OK, it's 5:35 at W N BC.
2166
01:26:02,400 --> 01:26:03,367
Time for the news.
2167
01:26:03,434 --> 01:26:05,026
I'm not real good
at this, I confess,
2168
01:26:05,103 --> 01:26:07,298
but I'm trying...
2169
01:26:07,372 --> 01:26:09,340
Who the fuck
are we gonna get?
2170
01:26:09,407 --> 01:26:12,274
Beats me. No one wants
to work with him.
2171
01:26:12,343 --> 01:26:14,573
Is it Monaco or Mon aco?
2172
01:26:15,713 --> 01:26:17,544
Monaco?
2173
01:26:17,615 --> 01:26:19,606
That's what I thought.
Monaco.
2174
01:26:19,684 --> 01:26:20,981
Well, anyway, she's dead.
2175
01:26:21,052 --> 01:26:22,644
You know,
I'm thinking about...
2176
01:26:22,720 --> 01:26:24,517
What about Kelly Landers?
2177
01:26:24,589 --> 01:26:26,648
Absolutely refuses.
2178
01:26:26,724 --> 01:26:27,656
Says she'd rather quit.
2179
01:26:27,725 --> 01:26:29,488
I have a theory
that he is the one
2180
01:26:29,560 --> 01:26:31,084
who cut the brakes
on the car.
2181
01:26:31,162 --> 01:26:33,630
Now, I could be crazy, but I figure
a guy who's been married
2182
01:26:33,698 --> 01:26:36,599
as long as Prince Reindeer
is ready for a new wife.
2183
01:26:36,668 --> 01:26:38,659
I mean, Princess Grace...
beautiful woman and all that...
2184
01:26:38,736 --> 01:26:40,431
but she was losing
her looks. Let's be honest.
2185
01:26:40,505 --> 01:26:41,631
There were bags
under those eyes.
2186
01:26:41,706 --> 01:26:43,139
In other news,
2187
01:26:43,207 --> 01:26:45,869
One of Italy's
highest- ranking police officials,
2188
01:26:45,944 --> 01:26:47,912
General Alberto DeCarlo...
2189
01:26:47,979 --> 01:26:52,472
Kenny, we're one of the biggest
radio stations in America.
2190
01:26:52,549 --> 01:26:54,278
We can't just
not do the news.
2191
01:26:54,351 --> 01:26:55,978
My program director
Pig Vomit
2192
01:26:56,053 --> 01:26:59,250
gets assassinated
by Sicilians in Palermo.
2193
01:26:59,323 --> 01:27:00,756
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
2194
01:27:00,824 --> 01:27:02,587
I want to pray to God
right now.
2195
01:27:02,659 --> 01:27:04,286
Jesus Christ,
who I love so much,
2196
01:27:04,361 --> 01:27:05,794
more than anything
in the whole world,
2197
01:27:05,862 --> 01:27:07,921
I am begging you,
please...
2198
01:27:07,998 --> 01:27:10,523
send a hit man to
the United States of America
2199
01:27:10,600 --> 01:27:12,158
to kill Pig Vomit finally.
2200
01:27:12,235 --> 01:27:13,532
Thank you. I love you, God.
2201
01:27:13,603 --> 01:27:15,503
I'll do whatever you say
if you just make that come true.
2202
01:27:15,572 --> 01:27:16,766
[Music Plays]
2203
01:27:16,840 --> 01:27:19,934
# Howard Stern, WNBC #
2204
01:27:20,210 --> 01:27:23,737
So if we bring Robin back,
you'll behave?
2205
01:27:23,814 --> 01:27:26,044
Absolutely.
Robin's my anchor.
2206
01:27:26,116 --> 01:27:27,310
You can't trust him.
2207
01:27:27,384 --> 01:27:28,476
Kenny,
that's not fair.
2208
01:27:28,552 --> 01:27:31,885
And quite frankly,
I'm just a little bit hurt
2209
01:27:31,955 --> 01:27:35,049
that you're so incapable
of being supportive.
2210
01:27:35,125 --> 01:27:39,027
And, Vin, please, if
you hire Robin back,
2211
01:27:39,096 --> 01:27:40,688
I promise you
you won't be sorry.
2212
01:27:40,764 --> 01:27:42,231
You have my word.
2213
01:27:50,539 --> 01:27:51,471
Thank you.
2214
01:27:54,977 --> 01:27:57,036
We hate noise.
Isn't that right, Jerry?
2215
01:27:57,113 --> 01:27:58,546
Yeah. Makes me nuts.
2216
01:27:58,614 --> 01:28:00,047
No, it's
a very quiet street.
2217
01:28:00,116 --> 01:28:01,583
You're gonna like it here.
2218
01:28:01,650 --> 01:28:02,810
[Rhythmic Knock On Door]
2219
01:28:02,885 --> 01:28:04,182
Excuse me for a second.
2220
01:28:05,554 --> 01:28:06,851
You're back.
I got you back.
2221
01:28:06,922 --> 01:28:07,980
It's a miracle
of all miracles.
2222
01:28:08,090 --> 01:28:09,352
I can't talk right now.
2223
01:28:09,425 --> 01:28:10,983
Oh, hello.
How are you?
2224
01:28:11,060 --> 01:28:13,085
I even got you an office.
You're all set.
2225
01:28:13,162 --> 01:28:14,561
I'm showing
my apartment now.
2226
01:28:14,630 --> 01:28:16,097
You're looking
at this apartment?
2227
01:28:16,165 --> 01:28:17,826
Let me tell you something.
There are roaches the size of dogs here.
2228
01:28:17,900 --> 01:28:19,333
- I don't advise you living here.
- Excuse me.
2229
01:28:19,402 --> 01:28:21,495
It is disgusting.
Take a look behind the fireplace.
2230
01:28:21,570 --> 01:28:23,629
You'll see. Excuse me.
I'll come back and tell you.
2231
01:28:23,706 --> 01:28:25,833
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
2232
01:28:25,908 --> 01:28:27,773
Robin, you got your job back,
so what's the problem?
2233
01:28:27,843 --> 01:28:29,868
The problem is that
when I needed you,
2234
01:28:29,945 --> 01:28:31,105
you didn't stand
behind me.
2235
01:28:31,180 --> 01:28:32,807
Robin, those guys are assholes.
They screwed you,
2236
01:28:32,882 --> 01:28:35,145
and they screwed me. We gotta
get back in there and beat them.
2237
01:28:35,216 --> 01:28:36,877
We were supposed
to be a team.
2238
01:28:36,951 --> 01:28:38,282
We are a team,
for God's sakes.
2239
01:28:38,353 --> 01:28:39,843
We're gonna be the greatest team
in the history of radio.
2240
01:28:41,189 --> 01:28:42,520
Come on.
What's the big deal?
2241
01:28:42,590 --> 01:28:45,889
Look at me, Robin.
Robin...
2242
01:28:45,960 --> 01:28:46,892
See this?
2243
01:28:46,961 --> 01:28:48,223
Look what I'm doing.
2244
01:28:48,296 --> 01:28:49,456
You know what I'm doing?
I'm begging you.
2245
01:28:49,531 --> 01:28:50,998
I'm begging you.
2246
01:28:51,066 --> 01:28:52,533
I'm serious.
2247
01:28:52,600 --> 01:28:53,965
Come here.
I'm gonna kiss your feet.
2248
01:28:54,035 --> 01:28:55,093
Look at these gams.
2249
01:28:55,170 --> 01:28:56,364
Look at these feet.
2250
01:28:56,438 --> 01:28:58,133
I'm worshipping your foot.
2251
01:28:58,206 --> 01:28:59,468
Look at me, Robin.
2252
01:28:59,541 --> 01:29:00,906
What are you doing?
2253
01:29:00,975 --> 01:29:02,101
People are looking
at us.
2254
01:29:02,177 --> 01:29:04,270
I'm begging you to...
I'm liking it down here.
2255
01:29:04,345 --> 01:29:06,176
Hey, Robin,
2256
01:29:06,247 --> 01:29:08,408
you love this,
don't you?
2257
01:29:08,483 --> 01:29:09,677
It gives me
great pleasure now
2258
01:29:09,751 --> 01:29:10,979
to welcome back
on our show
2259
01:29:11,052 --> 01:29:13,486
the very beautiful,
multitalented...
2260
01:29:13,555 --> 01:29:15,819
uh, vivacious...
2261
01:29:15,890 --> 01:29:17,551
tight-sweatered...
2262
01:29:17,625 --> 01:29:20,719
beautifully big-breasted
Robin Quivers. I love her.
2263
01:29:20,795 --> 01:29:22,490
Thank you.
2264
01:29:22,564 --> 01:29:24,759
May I say that you are
beautifully big- breasted again?
2265
01:29:24,833 --> 01:29:26,163
No.
2266
01:29:26,233 --> 01:29:28,667
Thank God you're back,
'cause the show sucked without you.
2267
01:29:28,735 --> 01:29:31,135
Actually, I just want to say
how much I really missed you and...
2268
01:29:31,205 --> 01:29:32,137
Aww.
2269
01:29:32,206 --> 01:29:33,332
That I really do love you,
2270
01:29:33,407 --> 01:29:35,068
and I'm just
so glad you're back.
2271
01:29:35,142 --> 01:29:37,440
OK there, Mr. Rushton,
2272
01:29:37,511 --> 01:29:41,379
You pick up the phone,
and it rings right into my booth.
2273
01:29:41,448 --> 01:29:43,006
Good, but don't
answer it.
2274
01:29:43,083 --> 01:29:45,779
Immediately disconnect
Stern's microphone,
2275
01:29:45,853 --> 01:29:47,980
dump out of the delay,
and go straight to a record.
2276
01:29:48,055 --> 01:29:49,181
That would be it,
sir.
2277
01:29:49,256 --> 01:29:52,350
Always have a record
ready to go.
2278
01:29:52,426 --> 01:29:53,916
Yes, sir.
2279
01:29:56,396 --> 01:29:59,661
This little puppy's finally
gonna get housebroken.
2280
01:29:59,800 --> 01:30:01,961
Oh, look at this, Robin.
This is unbelievable.
2281
01:30:02,035 --> 01:30:03,730
Oh, the underpants
are coming off.
2282
01:30:03,804 --> 01:30:07,069
That is the first naked lady
in the history of radio.
2283
01:30:07,107 --> 01:30:08,699
Sans panties, sans bra.
2284
01:30:08,775 --> 01:30:10,208
I am shocked.
2285
01:30:10,277 --> 01:30:11,710
So am I.
This is disgraceful.
2286
01:30:11,778 --> 01:30:12,802
We should be taken
off the air.
2287
01:30:12,913 --> 01:30:14,813
You've finally done it.
2288
01:30:14,882 --> 01:30:17,008
Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art.
Did you know that?
2289
01:30:17,083 --> 01:30:18,015
Thank you, Howard.
2290
01:30:18,084 --> 01:30:19,210
Let me tell you
something.
2291
01:30:19,285 --> 01:30:21,583
Now, to ensure our place
in the history of radio,
2292
01:30:21,654 --> 01:30:24,282
Mandy has agreed to actually
get on the floor with me
2293
01:30:24,357 --> 01:30:25,915
and give me a massage
while she is nude.
2294
01:30:25,992 --> 01:30:28,517
What does a massage have to do
with making it into history?
2295
01:30:28,594 --> 01:30:30,528
Who knows? I don't know.
Massage, schmas.
2296
01:30:30,596 --> 01:30:31,528
I just gotta
get touched.
2297
01:30:31,597 --> 01:30:32,689
I can't wait, Howard.
2298
01:30:32,765 --> 01:30:33,732
You can't wait?
2299
01:30:33,799 --> 01:30:34,891
Let me tell you something...
2300
01:30:34,967 --> 01:30:37,231
I'm not kidding around...
You are beautiful,
2301
01:30:37,303 --> 01:30:38,736
and my thoughts
are right in the gutter.
2302
01:30:38,804 --> 01:30:40,101
You understand what I mean?
2303
01:30:40,139 --> 01:30:41,333
This is the Tudor,
right?
2304
01:30:41,407 --> 01:30:43,238
Center hall plan,
very traditional.
2305
01:30:43,309 --> 01:30:44,503
Naked Woman: I've been
thinking about you, too.
2306
01:30:44,577 --> 01:30:47,774
Only reason it's for sale
is they're divorcing.
2307
01:30:47,847 --> 01:30:51,681
Would you believe 80%% %
of my listings are from divorces?
2308
01:30:51,751 --> 01:30:52,945
Howard: Mmm.
For God's sakes.
2309
01:30:53,019 --> 01:30:54,384
Now, what do you suggest
we do here?
2310
01:30:54,453 --> 01:30:58,116
Why don't you come lay
over here and get comfortable?
2311
01:30:58,157 --> 01:30:59,954
I could do that.
2312
01:31:00,026 --> 01:31:00,958
All right.
2313
01:31:01,027 --> 01:31:02,392
I can't believe
my luck here.
2314
01:31:02,461 --> 01:31:04,053
Don't hurt yourself
getting over there.
2315
01:31:04,130 --> 01:31:05,062
I won't.
2316
01:31:05,131 --> 01:31:06,257
All right,
hold on a second.
2317
01:31:06,332 --> 01:31:08,925
Let me get
my cans on.
2318
01:31:09,000 --> 01:31:09,932
OK.
2319
01:31:10,001 --> 01:31:11,832
Ooh, you know what?
You know... Oh, man.
2320
01:31:11,903 --> 01:31:12,835
Let me soak you in.
2321
01:31:12,904 --> 01:31:14,098
Holy cow,
are you naked.
2322
01:31:14,172 --> 01:31:15,332
You know what I like
about you?
2323
01:31:15,407 --> 01:31:16,339
What?
2324
01:31:16,408 --> 01:31:17,432
I like that you're
the perfect height.
2325
01:31:17,509 --> 01:31:18,441
I could have sex
with you standing up.
2326
01:31:18,510 --> 01:31:20,137
Look at that. Ooh.
2327
01:31:20,178 --> 01:31:22,908
Robin:
Howard! You're married.
2328
01:31:22,981 --> 01:31:24,505
I am? I mean, I am.
2329
01:31:24,583 --> 01:31:25,845
Well, I'm not really
married anymore.
2330
01:31:25,917 --> 01:31:26,884
What do you mean?
2331
01:31:26,985 --> 01:31:28,316
Take a seat. I'll
Tell you what happened.
2332
01:31:28,386 --> 01:31:30,547
My wife was suffering from cancer...
I never told you this...
2333
01:31:30,622 --> 01:31:31,554
and she died last night.
2334
01:31:31,623 --> 01:31:33,113
I've been single
for exactly 6 hours.
2335
01:31:33,191 --> 01:31:34,988
Honey, if you're
up there now,
2336
01:31:35,060 --> 01:31:36,994
I know you can hear me,
and you're at God's side,
2337
01:31:37,062 --> 01:31:39,326
but I want you to cover
your ears and eyes.
2338
01:31:39,397 --> 01:31:40,887
Besides, you're married
to God now...
2339
01:31:40,999 --> 01:31:42,933
Your husband's
quite a character.
2340
01:31:43,001 --> 01:31:46,562
Only on the radio.
It's just an act.
2341
01:31:46,638 --> 01:31:49,573
Oh, oh, that's nice. No one's ever
touched me like this before.
2342
01:31:49,641 --> 01:31:50,608
Let me ask you
something.
2343
01:31:50,675 --> 01:31:51,801
You have the look
of love in your eyes,
2344
01:31:51,876 --> 01:31:54,071
but I'm an ugly man.
I know this.
2345
01:31:54,145 --> 01:31:55,908
You couldn't be physically
attracted to me, could you?
2346
01:31:55,981 --> 01:31:57,539
Physically, I am.
2347
01:31:57,616 --> 01:31:59,981
I mean, you're smart,
you're sexy.
2348
01:32:00,050 --> 01:32:02,018
Wait. Excuse me
for one minute. Robin...
2349
01:32:02,086 --> 01:32:03,212
I didn't say a thing.
2350
01:32:03,320 --> 01:32:06,289
Robin, go up to the cafeteria
and get some lunch.
2351
01:32:06,357 --> 01:32:07,585
Yeah, go ahead.
Tell me more about me.
2352
01:32:07,658 --> 01:32:08,682
You're funny.
2353
01:32:08,759 --> 01:32:11,523
You know what I would
do to you physically?
2354
01:32:11,595 --> 01:32:12,892
What would you do?
2355
01:32:12,963 --> 01:32:14,931
I don't know what I'd do,
but let me just say something.
2356
01:32:15,032 --> 01:32:17,000
Whatever it is,
it would last 3 seconds.
2357
01:32:17,101 --> 01:32:18,500
3 seconds,
I'd be finished.
2358
01:32:18,569 --> 01:32:21,538
We would have sex, like,
10 times a day. You would love it.
2359
01:32:21,605 --> 01:32:23,800
I kind of want to
wrap my legs around you.
2360
01:32:23,874 --> 01:32:24,806
You do?
2361
01:32:28,212 --> 01:32:30,772
The average radio listener
listens for 18 minutes.
2362
01:32:30,848 --> 01:32:31,815
Mm-hmm.
2363
01:32:31,915 --> 01:32:33,849
The average Howard Stern fan
listens for...
2364
01:32:33,917 --> 01:32:35,145
are you ready for this?
2365
01:32:35,219 --> 01:32:37,050
An hour and 20 minutes.
2366
01:32:37,121 --> 01:32:38,247
How can that be?
2367
01:32:38,322 --> 01:32:39,755
Answer
most commonly given:
2368
01:32:39,823 --> 01:32:42,257
"I want to see
what he'll say next."
2369
01:32:42,326 --> 01:32:43,759
All right, OK, fine.
2370
01:32:43,827 --> 01:32:45,886
But what about the people
who hate Stern?
2371
01:32:45,963 --> 01:32:47,954
Good point.
The average Stern hater...
2372
01:32:48,065 --> 01:32:50,897
listens for
21/2 hours a day.
2373
01:32:53,736 --> 01:32:55,704
Look, but if they hate him,
2374
01:32:55,772 --> 01:32:57,103
why do they listen?
2375
01:32:57,173 --> 01:32:58,231
Most common answer:
2376
01:32:58,274 --> 01:33:00,174
"I want to see
what he'll say next."
2377
01:33:00,243 --> 01:33:02,074
- Kenny.
- Fucking twisted. What?
2378
01:33:02,145 --> 01:33:04,272
You'd better listen to this.
2379
01:33:04,380 --> 01:33:05,847
Howard: This is nice.
You wanna know something?
2380
01:33:05,915 --> 01:33:07,348
This is
the God's honest truth.
2381
01:33:07,417 --> 01:33:08,816
Come here.
I want to tell you closer.
2382
01:33:08,885 --> 01:33:12,286
I am fully aroused right now.
I am totally engorged.
2383
01:33:12,388 --> 01:33:13,252
Oh, my God.
2384
01:33:13,289 --> 01:33:14,551
Naked Woman:
Well, after the show,
2385
01:33:14,624 --> 01:33:17,457
why don't we go someplace else
and see how it feels?
2386
01:33:17,527 --> 01:33:18,994
Really? That's great.
2387
01:33:19,095 --> 01:33:20,562
You know why I love you?
'Cause you're smart.
2388
01:33:20,663 --> 01:33:22,893
- And you're practically a virgin, right?
- [Telephone Buzzing]
2389
01:33:22,965 --> 01:33:24,626
Practically.
2390
01:33:24,701 --> 01:33:27,431
You have a sharp ass.
2391
01:33:27,503 --> 01:33:29,403
I'm gonna be so honest
with you now.
2392
01:33:29,472 --> 01:33:31,099
- I've never said this before.
- [Music Plays]
2393
01:33:31,174 --> 01:33:32,903
I'm telling you,
I'm a full 21/2 inches,
2394
01:33:32,975 --> 01:33:35,102
and I've never been 21/2...
What's the music?
2395
01:33:35,178 --> 01:33:36,406
We're off the air.
2396
01:33:36,479 --> 01:33:38,413
Are we off the air?
2397
01:33:38,481 --> 01:33:41,848
Oh. Would you do me a favor?
Just stay right there, OK?
2398
01:33:41,918 --> 01:33:43,714
What the hell's going on?
What are you doing, man?
2399
01:33:43,785 --> 01:33:45,377
Look, Rushton told me,
this phone...
2400
01:33:45,454 --> 01:33:48,252
Oh, come on, man.
Don't listen to Kenny.
2401
01:33:48,323 --> 01:33:49,585
I'm just doing what
he told me, that's all.
2402
01:33:49,658 --> 01:33:51,091
Shit, man, you don't
take me off the air
2403
01:33:51,159 --> 01:33:52,126
in the middle
of a fucking bit.
2404
01:33:52,194 --> 01:33:53,218
Come on.
Don't listen to Kenny.
2405
01:33:53,295 --> 01:33:54,319
You're supposed
to listen to me.
2406
01:33:54,429 --> 01:33:55,453
He's the boss.
2407
01:33:55,530 --> 01:33:58,294
Forget it.
You believe this?
2408
01:33:58,333 --> 01:33:59,595
What the hell
are they doing?
2409
01:34:01,737 --> 01:34:02,829
Yeah, hi.
Can I speak to Kenny?
2410
01:34:02,904 --> 01:34:04,872
It's Howard over
in the air studio.
2411
01:34:04,973 --> 01:34:05,940
Just hold the line.
2412
01:34:06,041 --> 01:34:07,030
As soon
as they get him on,
2413
01:34:07,142 --> 01:34:08,074
just keep him on the line.
2414
01:34:08,143 --> 01:34:09,474
Fred, get me back
on the air.
2415
01:34:09,544 --> 01:34:11,739
Just patch the phone call
onto the air, OK?
2416
01:34:11,813 --> 01:34:14,213
Just put it right through
as soon as you can.
2417
01:34:14,282 --> 01:34:15,442
Fuck, man.
2418
01:34:15,517 --> 01:34:18,918
# Oh, the canvas
can do miracles #
2419
01:34:18,987 --> 01:34:20,045
# Just you wait and see... #
2420
01:34:20,122 --> 01:34:21,783
Patch it in.
2421
01:34:21,857 --> 01:34:23,324
I said patch it in!
2422
01:34:27,162 --> 01:34:29,323
Yes, Robin, he's
running in right now.
2423
01:34:29,364 --> 01:34:31,491
Can I have the phone, please,
just for a second?
2424
01:34:31,566 --> 01:34:33,090
Hi, Robin.
We back on the air?
2425
01:34:33,201 --> 01:34:34,360
Robin: Yeah.
Everybody can hear.
2426
01:34:34,435 --> 01:34:35,925
OK, I'm right outside
Pig Vomit's office.
2427
01:34:36,036 --> 01:34:37,128
I'm gonna knock
on his door.
2428
01:34:37,204 --> 01:34:38,136
All right.
2429
01:34:38,205 --> 01:34:39,638
Hey, Pig Vomit.
2430
01:34:39,707 --> 01:34:41,538
Come on, Kenny.
Why don't you open up?
2431
01:34:41,609 --> 01:34:43,941
I want to know why
this guy had to cut my show off.
2432
01:34:44,011 --> 01:34:45,171
Come on, Pig Vomit.
2433
01:34:45,246 --> 01:34:46,440
Mr. Stern,
he's in a meeting.
2434
01:34:46,514 --> 01:34:47,606
I'd like to know
what meeting
2435
01:34:47,681 --> 01:34:48,841
is more important
than my show.
2436
01:34:48,916 --> 01:34:50,213
He took the show
right off the air.
2437
01:34:50,284 --> 01:34:52,582
What'd you take the show
off the air for, Pig Vomit? Huh?
2438
01:34:52,653 --> 01:34:54,245
This isn't funny, Howard.
2439
01:34:54,321 --> 01:34:55,253
Oh, it's not funny?
2440
01:34:55,322 --> 01:34:56,653
What are you
talking about?
2441
01:34:56,724 --> 01:34:57,748
I think
it's very funny.
2442
01:34:57,825 --> 01:34:58,814
How would you know
what's funny, anyway?
2443
01:34:58,926 --> 01:35:01,053
You're not bringing
that in here, Stern.
2444
01:35:01,128 --> 01:35:02,755
I don't see anybody
in here in a meeting, do you?
2445
01:35:02,830 --> 01:35:03,762
You gotta go.
2446
01:35:03,831 --> 01:35:04,763
Why would I have to go?
2447
01:35:04,832 --> 01:35:06,390
Why don't you explain
to my audience
2448
01:35:06,500 --> 01:35:07,467
why you had to
shut down the show?
2449
01:35:07,568 --> 01:35:09,058
I don't answer
to you, Stern.
2450
01:35:09,170 --> 01:35:10,865
Yes, you do,
you big idiot scumbag.
2451
01:35:10,938 --> 01:35:13,065
I'm your boss.
I'm your boss.
2452
01:35:13,140 --> 01:35:14,129
Hey, what's this?
2453
01:35:14,241 --> 01:35:16,937
Robin, it's everybody's
salary on his desk.
2454
01:35:17,011 --> 01:35:18,273
God damn it,
get out of here!
2455
01:35:18,345 --> 01:35:20,006
He hit me, Robin.
He's hitting me.
2456
01:35:20,080 --> 01:35:21,012
Robin: Hit him back.
2457
01:35:21,081 --> 01:35:22,981
I'm gonna
hit you back.
2458
01:35:23,050 --> 01:35:24,846
I hit him back.
He hit...
2459
01:35:24,918 --> 01:35:26,317
You're not getting
the phone from me, Kenny.
2460
01:35:26,386 --> 01:35:27,318
Gimme the damn phone.
2461
01:35:27,387 --> 01:35:28,354
No!
2462
01:35:28,421 --> 01:35:29,353
Oh!
2463
01:35:29,422 --> 01:35:30,616
Oh, my God, Robin.
2464
01:35:30,690 --> 01:35:32,851
Kenny just hit himself
in the face. He's bleeding.
2465
01:35:32,926 --> 01:35:33,893
Give that to me.
2466
01:35:33,960 --> 01:35:35,325
Hey, come on.
2467
01:35:35,395 --> 01:35:36,362
Oh!
2468
01:35:36,429 --> 01:35:37,919
Robin: Oh, goodness,
what's going on?
2469
01:35:38,031 --> 01:35:39,328
Vince just got hit
by Kenny.
2470
01:35:39,399 --> 01:35:40,525
God damn it, Stern!
2471
01:35:40,600 --> 01:35:42,932
You look! See that?!
Blood, Stern!
2472
01:35:43,002 --> 01:35:44,697
- Are you OK?
- No!
2473
01:35:44,771 --> 01:35:45,703
Broke my nose!
2474
01:35:45,772 --> 01:35:47,034
It wasn't my fault.
2475
01:35:47,106 --> 01:35:48,130
I'll sue your ass!
2476
01:35:48,241 --> 01:35:49,208
Get out of here!
2477
01:35:49,309 --> 01:35:50,970
[Voices Overlapping]
2478
01:35:51,144 --> 01:35:52,111
Our first guest tonight
2479
01:35:52,178 --> 01:35:54,738
is the afternoon
drive-time disc jockey
2480
01:35:54,814 --> 01:35:57,374
at WNBC radio
here in New York City.
2481
01:35:57,450 --> 01:35:58,576
Ladies and gentlemen,
do me a favor.
2482
01:35:58,651 --> 01:36:01,142
Please welcome Howard Stern.
2483
01:36:01,254 --> 01:36:02,186
Howard!
2484
01:36:02,255 --> 01:36:03,654
[Cheers And Applause]
2485
01:36:09,829 --> 01:36:11,558
Walk over there
and have a seat.
2486
01:36:11,631 --> 01:36:15,032
Now, uh, Howard,
you know, uh...
2487
01:36:15,101 --> 01:36:16,931
I admire you, you know?
I love what you do.
2488
01:36:17,002 --> 01:36:18,196
I think
you're a pioneer.
2489
01:36:18,270 --> 01:36:19,931
You're on the cutting edge
of radio entertainment.
2490
01:36:20,005 --> 01:36:22,337
You and I both work
for NBC.
2491
01:36:22,407 --> 01:36:23,374
You have
the radio show,
2492
01:36:23,475 --> 01:36:25,067
I have the little
TV show here.
2493
01:36:25,143 --> 01:36:26,940
How do you get along
with the folks here?
2494
01:36:27,012 --> 01:36:28,104
You enjoying
the experience?
2495
01:36:28,180 --> 01:36:29,579
I hate it at NBC, Dave.
2496
01:36:29,648 --> 01:36:31,980
It's the worst. It sucks.
I gotta tell you something.
2497
01:36:32,050 --> 01:36:33,347
All the management at NBC...
2498
01:36:33,418 --> 01:36:36,012
bunch of creeps, and I'm not
afraid to say it right now,
2499
01:36:36,088 --> 01:36:37,749
and, you know,
it's funny,
2500
01:36:37,823 --> 01:36:40,383
because I know you feel
the same exact way I do about NBC
2501
01:36:40,459 --> 01:36:42,324
because you told me on the phone
personally last week
2502
01:36:42,394 --> 01:36:43,361
that you feel
the same way.
2503
01:36:43,462 --> 01:36:45,623
I couldn't be happier.
Everything is fine.
2504
01:36:45,697 --> 01:36:47,096
I don't understand
them at all.
2505
01:36:47,165 --> 01:36:49,395
Now, Howard, let's get back to
the issue of them being creepy.
2506
01:36:49,468 --> 01:36:50,958
Now, when you say
they're creep...
2507
01:36:53,038 --> 01:36:54,972
He makes us sound like
a bunch of idiots on the radio.
2508
01:36:55,040 --> 01:36:56,974
He criticizes us
on television.
2509
01:36:57,042 --> 01:36:59,272
I thought you were going
to control this guy.
2510
01:36:59,344 --> 01:37:01,175
Oh, well,
we are, sir.
2511
01:37:01,246 --> 01:37:04,511
In fact, we're designing
a more restrictive program
2512
01:37:04,583 --> 01:37:05,845
- Shut up.
- To make sure...
2513
01:37:05,918 --> 01:37:07,384
How are his numbers?
2514
01:37:07,485 --> 01:37:10,386
The official ratings don't
come out until tomorrow,
2515
01:37:10,454 --> 01:37:11,689
but we've got
some projections.
2516
01:37:14,125 --> 01:37:17,219
Stern... has gone...
2517
01:37:17,295 --> 01:37:21,231
from a 2.9 to a 5.6.
2518
01:37:21,299 --> 01:37:24,268
[Choking]
2519
01:37:24,335 --> 01:37:27,361
He's number one
in the market.
2520
01:37:27,438 --> 01:37:29,030
He's the hottest d.j.
In New York.
2521
01:37:29,106 --> 01:37:30,539
[Cough]
2522
01:37:30,608 --> 01:37:33,008
Kind of weird,
you know?
2523
01:37:33,077 --> 01:37:34,908
I thought there was
a mistake or something,
2524
01:37:34,979 --> 01:37:38,608
but...
mm-mmm... no.
2525
01:37:38,683 --> 01:37:42,551
My girlfriends think i'm crazy for
letting you behave like that on the air.
2526
01:37:42,620 --> 01:37:44,554
What are you
talking about?
2527
01:37:44,622 --> 01:37:46,055
You know what it is?
It's those yentas you hang around with.
2528
01:37:46,123 --> 01:37:47,556
They're... they're
driving you crazy.
2529
01:37:47,625 --> 01:37:49,252
It's not yentas, Howard.
It's everybody.
2530
01:37:49,327 --> 01:37:51,261
I can't even go... I can't
even get my hair done.
2531
01:37:51,329 --> 01:37:52,819
I can't even walk in
and get my hair done
2532
01:37:52,897 --> 01:37:55,229
without people looking at me like,
"Oh, God, that poor little thing."
2533
01:37:55,299 --> 01:37:56,493
Then you know
what you gotta do?
2534
01:37:56,567 --> 01:37:57,591
You gotta go to a different
hair shop or something.
2535
01:37:57,668 --> 01:37:59,066
- Please!
- For God's sakes,
2536
01:37:59,135 --> 01:38:00,659
If the place is driving
you crazy, don't go there.
2537
01:38:00,737 --> 01:38:02,170
It's not that!
It's not that!
2538
01:38:02,238 --> 01:38:03,398
God, no wonder they think
you're sleeping around!
2539
01:38:03,473 --> 01:38:04,633
Look at me!
Look at me!
2540
01:38:04,708 --> 01:38:06,175
- I'm disgusting!
- What about you?
2541
01:38:06,242 --> 01:38:08,904
- You're not disgusting.
- Yes, I am! I look like a house!
2542
01:38:08,979 --> 01:38:10,708
- I look like an elephant!
- You don't look like a house.
2543
01:38:10,780 --> 01:38:12,475
- You do not. You look beautiful.
- I look like Babar!
2544
01:38:12,549 --> 01:38:14,141
- You don't look like an elephant.
- I do.
2545
01:38:14,217 --> 01:38:16,651
You don't look like Babar.
You look gorgeous.
2546
01:38:16,720 --> 01:38:18,085
This is the most beautiful
you ever looked.
2547
01:38:18,154 --> 01:38:19,348
You're carrying our baby.
2548
01:38:19,422 --> 01:38:21,754
Come over here. You want to
sit down on this couch?
2549
01:38:21,825 --> 01:38:23,759
You know what the problem is?
You're tired.
2550
01:38:23,827 --> 01:38:24,953
I am tired.
2551
01:38:25,028 --> 01:38:26,086
Here.
2552
01:38:31,968 --> 01:38:33,265
Look at this...
2553
01:38:33,336 --> 01:38:34,928
It's our baby.
2554
01:38:36,506 --> 01:38:37,973
It's beautiful.
2555
01:38:38,041 --> 01:38:39,906
You're beautiful.
2556
01:38:39,976 --> 01:38:41,739
Beautiful.
2557
01:38:44,748 --> 01:38:47,114
[Doorbell Buzzes]
2558
01:38:47,183 --> 01:38:48,115
Who would come here?
2559
01:38:48,184 --> 01:38:49,242
Quiet.
2560
01:38:52,755 --> 01:38:54,154
[Doorbell Buzzes]
2561
01:38:54,223 --> 01:38:55,212
I don't want
to get that.
2562
01:38:55,290 --> 01:38:56,814
- [Buzz]
- Oh.
2563
01:38:56,892 --> 01:38:58,325
OK. I'll go
get the door.
2564
01:38:58,394 --> 01:39:00,760
- Don't go away.
- [Buzz]
2565
01:39:03,899 --> 01:39:06,060
[Buzz]
2566
01:39:06,135 --> 01:39:07,067
Howdy, partner.
2567
01:39:07,136 --> 01:39:08,398
- How you doing?
- Oh, hey, Kenny.
2568
01:39:08,470 --> 01:39:09,960
Can I come in
just for a second?
2569
01:39:10,039 --> 01:39:11,165
It's kind of
a bad time, OK?
2570
01:39:11,240 --> 01:39:13,140
Just real quick, OK?
Listen.
2571
01:39:13,208 --> 01:39:14,436
I want to tell you
something.
2572
01:39:14,510 --> 01:39:15,977
You've won.
2573
01:39:16,045 --> 01:39:17,603
When the new ratings
come out tomorrow,
2574
01:39:17,680 --> 01:39:19,341
you are going
to be number one.
2575
01:39:19,415 --> 01:39:22,043
You understand me? A point
and a half higher than lmus.
2576
01:39:22,117 --> 01:39:23,744
- No shit?
- You've killed him. You've slayed him.
2577
01:39:23,819 --> 01:39:24,911
You understand me?
Ha ha!
2578
01:39:24,987 --> 01:39:25,976
That's great news.
Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.
2579
01:39:26,055 --> 01:39:27,283
Howard!
Howard! Howard!
2580
01:39:27,356 --> 01:39:31,258
Listen, I know I've been
a real pain in the butt, OK?
2581
01:39:31,326 --> 01:39:32,725
But that's
all over with now.
2582
01:39:32,795 --> 01:39:34,729
Now, you're going to need
a friend on the inside.
2583
01:39:34,797 --> 01:39:36,458
I'm going to do
everything I can for you.
2584
01:39:36,532 --> 01:39:39,433
All right?
How's that sound, partner?
2585
01:39:41,103 --> 01:39:42,034
Fuck you.
2586
01:39:42,103 --> 01:39:43,236
[Cheering]
2587
01:39:43,237 --> 01:39:44,369
[Cheering]
2588
01:39:44,439 --> 01:39:46,270
People of New York...
2589
01:39:46,340 --> 01:39:48,137
People of Earth...
2590
01:39:48,209 --> 01:39:49,801
we are gathered here today
2591
01:39:49,877 --> 01:39:51,401
in praise of me!
2592
01:39:51,479 --> 01:39:54,073
[Cheering]
2593
01:39:54,148 --> 01:39:57,413
Man, this is
a great day in my life.
2594
01:39:57,485 --> 01:39:59,885
I've been dreaming
of this day forever.
2595
01:39:59,954 --> 01:40:01,512
Thank you!
2596
01:40:01,589 --> 01:40:03,682
Thanks.
2597
01:40:03,758 --> 01:40:05,851
You know,
when I got to NBC,
2598
01:40:05,927 --> 01:40:07,952
they treated me
like I was a jerk.
2599
01:40:08,029 --> 01:40:11,430
They did everything to
sabotage me, but because of you...
2600
01:40:11,499 --> 01:40:12,932
[Cheering]
2601
01:40:13,000 --> 01:40:15,525
Because of you,
and only because of you,
2602
01:40:15,603 --> 01:40:18,003
I am now the number one
disc jockey in New York,
2603
01:40:18,072 --> 01:40:19,767
and I thank you.
I love you for that.
2604
01:40:19,841 --> 01:40:20,773
I love you!
2605
01:40:20,842 --> 01:40:23,709
Thank you!
2606
01:40:23,778 --> 01:40:25,370
This is my gift to you,
New York...
2607
01:40:25,446 --> 01:40:27,277
AC/DC!
2608
01:40:29,584 --> 01:40:31,518
[You Shook Me
All Night Long Plays]
2609
01:40:44,765 --> 01:40:46,630
# She was a fast machine #
2610
01:40:46,700 --> 01:40:48,964
# She kept
her motor clean #
2611
01:40:49,035 --> 01:40:52,300
# She was the best damn
woman that I've ever seen #
2612
01:40:52,372 --> 01:40:54,602
# She had the sexiest eyes #
2613
01:40:54,674 --> 01:40:56,141
# Telling me no lies #
2614
01:40:56,209 --> 01:41:00,077
# Knockin' me out
with those American thighs #
2615
01:41:00,147 --> 01:41:01,774
# We did not
want to share... #
2616
01:41:01,848 --> 01:41:04,544
How!
My water broke!
2617
01:41:04,618 --> 01:41:05,550
What?
2618
01:41:05,619 --> 01:41:07,746
My water broke!
2619
01:41:07,821 --> 01:41:09,914
# Bang, the walls
started shakin' #
2620
01:41:09,990 --> 01:41:11,924
# The earth was quakin' #
2621
01:41:11,992 --> 01:41:14,017
# My mind was achin' #
2622
01:41:14,094 --> 01:41:16,153
# We were makin' when you #
2623
01:41:16,229 --> 01:41:19,858
# Shook me all night long #
2624
01:41:19,933 --> 01:41:22,834
Hey! Hey!
2625
01:41:22,903 --> 01:41:27,930
# Yeah, you shook me
all night long... #
2626
01:41:29,508 --> 01:41:30,770
Keep it moving!
2627
01:41:30,843 --> 01:41:33,505
# One more time,
and when she got to... #
2628
01:41:42,421 --> 01:41:44,218
[Siren]
2629
01:41:44,290 --> 01:41:47,157
Hoowww!
2630
01:41:47,226 --> 01:41:48,193
Now, push! Push!
2631
01:41:48,260 --> 01:41:50,660
No, no, don't push.
Just breathe deeply.
2632
01:41:50,729 --> 01:41:51,661
Don't push, honey.
2633
01:41:51,730 --> 01:41:52,662
Ice chips.
2634
01:41:52,731 --> 01:41:54,062
Fuck ice chips,
How!
2635
01:41:54,133 --> 01:41:55,998
Listen to me...
2636
01:41:56,302 --> 01:41:59,100
we named her Emily.
7 pounds, 8 ounces.
2637
01:41:59,171 --> 01:42:01,469
She was incredibly
beautiful. Really nice.
2638
01:42:01,540 --> 01:42:02,837
Well, you must
have felt fabulous.
2639
01:42:02,908 --> 01:42:05,638
Yeah, I had everything I ever
wanted in life, you know.
2640
01:42:05,711 --> 01:42:06,735
You know,
I have to admit
2641
01:42:06,812 --> 01:42:09,610
that I'm really not
a very big fan of yours,
2642
01:42:09,682 --> 01:42:11,047
but, in fact, I...
2643
01:42:11,116 --> 01:42:13,949
I know. You thought I was
a disgusting, sexist, racist pig
2644
01:42:14,019 --> 01:42:16,885
who had the maturity level
of a 3-year-old, right?
2645
01:42:16,955 --> 01:42:17,979
Yeah, exactly.
2646
01:42:18,056 --> 01:42:19,683
Yeah. I get that
all the time.
2647
01:42:19,757 --> 01:42:22,055
But then you know
what happens?
2648
01:42:22,126 --> 01:42:23,150
What?
2649
01:42:23,228 --> 01:42:25,287
I grow on you
like a fungus.
2650
01:42:27,465 --> 01:42:28,864
I could see that.
2651
01:42:32,470 --> 01:42:34,938
You know, I have
to tell you...
2652
01:42:35,006 --> 01:42:37,634
this has been
a really great flight.
2653
01:42:37,709 --> 01:42:39,336
Really?
2654
01:42:39,410 --> 01:42:40,809
Mm-hmm.
2655
01:42:43,114 --> 01:42:45,048
You know, I could
get this girl.
2656
01:42:45,116 --> 01:42:46,276
I know I could get her.
2657
01:42:46,351 --> 01:42:48,285
And this is the hell
that's my life.
2658
01:42:48,353 --> 01:42:49,786
I mean, think about it.
2659
01:42:49,854 --> 01:42:51,481
What would it be like
to have sex with her?
2660
01:42:51,556 --> 01:42:52,887
It would be amazing.
2661
01:42:52,957 --> 01:42:55,187
But I'm not going
to act on it.
2662
01:42:55,260 --> 01:42:56,750
You know why?
2663
01:42:56,828 --> 01:42:58,159
Because I'd be a schmuck.
2664
01:42:58,229 --> 01:43:00,493
No, because
I love Alison.
2665
01:43:00,565 --> 01:43:04,023
She stuck with me through
the whole thing, you know?
2666
01:43:04,102 --> 01:43:05,899
You gotta respect that.
2667
01:43:05,970 --> 01:43:08,233
I think you have
to respect that.
2668
01:43:12,743 --> 01:43:15,075
You have to
respect that.
2669
01:43:19,983 --> 01:43:20,915
Hey, everybody!
2670
01:43:20,984 --> 01:43:22,246
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
2671
01:43:22,319 --> 01:43:23,946
Oh, did I miss you!
2672
01:43:24,021 --> 01:43:26,649
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
2673
01:43:26,723 --> 01:43:28,748
Let's go say hi to Mommy.
Come on.
2674
01:43:28,825 --> 01:43:30,258
- Hi.
- Wait, wait. There we go.
2675
01:43:30,327 --> 01:43:31,521
Did you miss me?
Mmm!
2676
01:43:31,595 --> 01:43:33,529
Hi, honey.
I missed you.
2677
01:43:33,597 --> 01:43:34,529
Oh, Gloria.
2678
01:43:34,598 --> 01:43:35,629
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.
2679
01:43:35,630 --> 01:43:36,661
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.
2680
01:43:36,733 --> 01:43:37,791
- Hi.
- Hi.
2681
01:43:37,868 --> 01:43:39,460
Maybe the two of you
would like to have
2682
01:43:39,536 --> 01:43:41,436
a little menage a trois
tonight?
2683
01:43:41,505 --> 01:43:43,063
Huh. You know what?
Maybe some other time.
2684
01:43:43,140 --> 01:43:44,072
Just, you know,
trying.
2685
01:43:44,141 --> 01:43:45,073
Yeah, I know.
2686
01:43:45,142 --> 01:43:46,700
OK. See you,
Gloria.
2687
01:43:46,777 --> 01:43:49,610
Howard: So occasionally I make
a fool of myself in public,
2688
01:43:49,680 --> 01:43:51,580
and the FCC
wants me off the air,
2689
01:43:51,648 --> 01:43:54,640
and every fundamentalist group
in this country hates my guts,
2690
01:43:54,718 --> 01:43:58,153
and, yeah, most of the things
I do are misunderstood.
2691
01:43:58,220 --> 01:44:00,154
Hey, after all,
being misunderstood
2692
01:44:00,222 --> 01:44:02,656
is the fate of all
true geniuses, is it not?
2693
01:44:02,725 --> 01:44:04,420
But my life
isn't bad at all.
2694
01:44:04,493 --> 01:44:06,427
I'm still on the air,
2695
01:44:06,495 --> 01:44:08,156
I've got my kids,
2696
01:44:08,230 --> 01:44:09,663
and I've got Alison.
2697
01:44:09,732 --> 01:44:12,496
Alison... She's the best friend
I could ever have.
2698
01:44:12,568 --> 01:44:13,660
And who knows?
2699
01:44:13,736 --> 01:44:15,169
With a little time,
2700
01:44:15,237 --> 01:44:16,670
the right energy...
2701
01:44:16,739 --> 01:44:19,367
I think I could talk her
into some hot lesbo action.
2702
01:44:20,977 --> 01:44:22,774
Porno For Pyros:
# Got my hands into something #
2703
01:44:22,845 --> 01:44:24,938
# I could not touch... #
2704
01:44:25,014 --> 01:44:27,175
Stuttering John:
Wait! Wait! Is that it?
2705
01:44:27,249 --> 01:44:28,273
What, the movie's over?
2706
01:44:28,351 --> 01:44:29,477
Oh, yeah?
That's bullshit!
2707
01:44:29,552 --> 01:44:32,146
Hi. You know who I am?
Yeah, I'm Stuttering John.
2708
01:44:32,221 --> 01:44:33,620
And you know why I'm pissed?
I'll tell you why.
2709
01:44:33,689 --> 01:44:36,214
I've been getting up at 5:00
every morning to work for Howard.
2710
01:44:36,292 --> 01:44:37,725
I've been pissing off
every publicist,
2711
01:44:37,793 --> 01:44:39,454
burning every freakin'
bridge in the industry,
2712
01:44:39,528 --> 01:44:42,964
And y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay
me back by putting me in his movie!
2713
01:44:43,065 --> 01:44:44,555
No, he doesn't!
I'm not in the movie!
2714
01:44:44,633 --> 01:44:46,726
I've been in here for 8 years,
cuttin' his friggin' potato!
2715
01:44:46,802 --> 01:44:48,895
I've been smacked around
by Morton Downey,
2716
01:44:48,971 --> 01:44:50,904
punched in the nose by Raquel Welch,
and what do I get?
2717
01:44:50,972 --> 01:44:52,371
I get fucking nothing!
That's what I get!
2718
01:44:52,440 --> 01:44:53,498
I'm not even in
this fucking movie!
2719
01:44:53,575 --> 01:44:54,633
He's says I'll
be in the sequel!
2720
01:44:54,709 --> 01:44:56,438
Yeah? What sequel?
Suppose the movie sucks?
2721
01:44:56,511 --> 01:44:58,342
Th-th-th-there won't
even be any sequel!
2722
01:44:58,413 --> 01:45:01,871
# If you lie for your breakfast,
then you won't get lunch #
2723
01:45:01,950 --> 01:45:05,716
# I'm a hard charger #
2724
01:45:05,787 --> 01:45:07,687
# I don't believe in dying #
2725
01:45:07,756 --> 01:45:09,849
# No such luck #
2726
01:45:09,924 --> 01:45:13,519
# Hard charger #
2727
01:45:13,595 --> 01:45:17,292
# Can't stay pretty
'cause it's just no fun #
2728
01:45:17,365 --> 01:45:19,890
# Hard charger... #
2729
01:45:21,936 --> 01:45:24,404
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
Mia Farrow.
2730
01:45:24,472 --> 01:45:26,463
[Applause]
2731
01:45:26,541 --> 01:45:27,769
Thank you.
2732
01:45:27,842 --> 01:45:28,774
Thank you.
2733
01:45:28,843 --> 01:45:33,246
The nominees
for best actor are...
2734
01:45:33,314 --> 01:45:34,747
Harrison Ford...
2735
01:45:34,816 --> 01:45:37,114
[Applause]
2736
01:45:37,185 --> 01:45:38,550
Denzel Washington...
2737
01:45:38,620 --> 01:45:39,552
[Applause]
2738
01:45:39,621 --> 01:45:42,020
Robert DeNiro...
2739
01:45:42,122 --> 01:45:44,750
[Applause]
2740
01:45:44,825 --> 01:45:46,258
Tom Hanks...
2741
01:45:46,326 --> 01:45:48,226
[Applause]
2742
01:45:48,295 --> 01:45:50,763
Howard Stern.
2743
01:45:50,831 --> 01:45:52,196
[Silence]
2744
01:45:52,266 --> 01:45:55,758
And the winner is...
2745
01:45:55,836 --> 01:45:56,768
Howard Stern.
2746
01:45:56,837 --> 01:45:58,668
[Murmuring]
2747
01:45:58,739 --> 01:46:01,105
[Trumpet Fanfare]
2748
01:46:03,911 --> 01:46:05,401
It's me!
2749
01:46:05,479 --> 01:46:06,446
[Snap]
2750
01:46:06,513 --> 01:46:08,378
[Gasping]
2751
01:46:18,192 --> 01:46:19,989
Howard:
# I'm a radio star #
2752
01:46:20,060 --> 01:46:22,187
# A hit on TV #
2753
01:46:22,262 --> 01:46:24,059
# My life is on film #
2754
01:46:24,164 --> 01:46:26,064
# Yet it sucks bein' me #
2755
01:46:26,166 --> 01:46:27,690
Ben: Shut up! Sit down!
2756
01:46:27,768 --> 01:46:29,668
# My life's a wreck #
2757
01:46:29,736 --> 01:46:31,965
# I'm bored with sex #
2758
01:46:32,038 --> 01:46:36,566
# I've got a big nose
and a skinny neck #
2759
01:46:36,642 --> 01:46:38,701
# I can't sing #
2760
01:46:38,778 --> 01:46:40,712
# I can't dance #
2761
01:46:40,780 --> 01:46:44,375
# I make money talking about
the joke in my underpants #
2762
01:46:44,450 --> 01:46:46,077
# I'm a tortured man #
2763
01:46:46,152 --> 01:46:47,084
Shut up! Sit down!
2764
01:46:47,153 --> 01:46:48,347
# I'm a tortured man #
2765
01:46:48,421 --> 01:46:50,082
I told you not to be
stupid, you moron.
2766
01:46:50,189 --> 01:46:51,451
Howard: I'm just
thinking for a minute.
2767
01:46:51,524 --> 01:46:54,357
Should I trade half my money
for 10 times as much sex?
2768
01:46:54,427 --> 01:46:55,792
It's an equation
from hell.
2769
01:46:55,862 --> 01:46:56,794
Ray: Oh, well!
2770
01:46:56,863 --> 01:46:57,989
It's an equation
from hell.
2771
01:46:58,064 --> 01:46:58,996
Oh, well!
2772
01:46:59,065 --> 01:47:00,225
It's an equation
from hell.
2773
01:47:00,299 --> 01:47:01,664
Oh, well!
2774
01:47:01,734 --> 01:47:05,295
Marilyn Manson:
# Your mouth is like a suicide #
2775
01:47:05,371 --> 01:47:08,101
# Talkin' like
you never doubt #
2776
01:47:08,207 --> 01:47:10,038
# Melting me down #
2777
01:47:10,109 --> 01:47:13,806
# And suck, suck,
sucking my brain #
2778
01:47:13,880 --> 01:47:19,614
# But I can't be the one
that you need, yeah #
2779
01:47:19,685 --> 01:47:21,016
# And I can't be the... #
2780
01:47:21,087 --> 01:47:23,884
I bear no grudge
against Howard Stern.
2781
01:47:23,955 --> 01:47:26,719
He's been very successful,
and God bless him.
2782
01:47:26,791 --> 01:47:28,224
God bless him.
2783
01:47:28,293 --> 01:47:29,317
But I'll tell you
something,
2784
01:47:29,394 --> 01:47:31,123
I ain't done
too badly myself.
2785
01:47:31,229 --> 01:47:33,891
Uh, I manage
a shopping mall
2786
01:47:33,965 --> 01:47:35,557
down in
Florence, Alabama.
2787
01:47:35,634 --> 01:47:38,728
Yeah. It's the number one
mall in Colbert County,
2788
01:47:38,803 --> 01:47:40,794
and it's number 4
in the state,
2789
01:47:40,872 --> 01:47:42,635
So, it's not
too bad, you know?
2790
01:47:42,707 --> 01:47:47,076
Uh, I play golf
several times a week, you know?
2791
01:47:47,145 --> 01:47:50,137
Uh, but
I'll tell you,
2792
01:47:50,215 --> 01:47:53,275
if Howard would have
listened to me,
2793
01:47:53,351 --> 01:47:56,980
I'd still be
up there in radio.
2794
01:47:57,055 --> 01:47:59,148
Still be doing
radio, you know.
2795
01:47:59,224 --> 01:48:01,158
[Jackhammer]
2796
01:48:01,259 --> 01:48:02,419
How about that?
2797
01:48:06,131 --> 01:48:08,998
That goddamn motherfucker,
you know?
2798
01:48:09,067 --> 01:48:10,329
[Jackhammer]
2799
01:48:10,402 --> 01:48:13,166
I tried every fucking thing
I could fucking think of
2800
01:48:13,271 --> 01:48:15,568
to mold him into
a proper kind of d.j.,
2801
01:48:15,639 --> 01:48:18,403
- but that goddamn son of a bitch...
- [Jackhammer]
2802
01:48:20,277 --> 01:48:22,711
I'll tell you...
Howard Stern, man.
2803
01:48:22,780 --> 01:48:27,683
- That motherfuckin'...
- [Siren] - [Jackhammer]
2804
01:48:27,751 --> 01:48:31,050
And I'll say that
with no shame either!
2805
01:48:31,121 --> 01:48:33,715
- Man's a...
- [Jackhammer]
2806
01:48:33,791 --> 01:48:35,782
Foul-mouthed,
immature...
2807
01:48:35,859 --> 01:48:37,724
the man's immature,
you know?
2808
01:48:37,795 --> 01:48:41,697
- He's like a... child.
- [Jackhammer]
2809
01:48:41,765 --> 01:48:43,198
I'll tell you
this much.
2810
01:48:43,267 --> 01:48:46,498
There ain't no God while
Howard Stern's walking the earth,
2811
01:48:46,570 --> 01:48:47,696
I'll tell you that.
2812
01:48:47,771 --> 01:48:48,760
I gotta go.
2813
01:48:53,477 --> 01:48:55,707
How about that?
Howard Stern, huh?
2814
01:48:57,181 --> 01:49:00,082
Howard Stern can
kiss my ass in hell!
2815
01:49:01,685 --> 01:49:05,745
[Jackhammer]
193843
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