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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:16,468
In the time
when fire rained down from heaven
3
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,188
and dust storms swept in from the east,
4
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,939
a hero arose with a dope-ass name:
5
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,111
Wesley Fists.
6
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:30,113
Born in the hamlet of Compton,
Wesley's father was a dentist.
7
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,776
His mother played Scratchers
and smoked Newports.
8
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,616
From the time he could throw a punch,
9
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,701
Fists trained
in the dojo of kung fu cinema.
10
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,037
His favorites were Shogun Assassin,
11
00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:42,294
The Five Deadly Venoms,
12
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,205
and of course, Enter the Dragon.
13
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,254
But after hearing Enter the Wu-Tang,
14
00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:49,167
young Fists imagined me
narrating his life,
15
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:52,890
The RZA, AKA The RZArector
16
00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,179
AKA RZA RZA Razor Sharp,
17
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,723
AKA The Abbot with the Golden Tablet,
18
00:00:57,807 --> 00:01:00,187
AKA Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah,
19
00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:03,058
AKA The Divine Prince Master Rakeem,
20
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:06,478
AKA Bobby Digital,
AKA Bobby Boulders,
21
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,864
AKA Bobby Steels,
AKA Daddy Diggs,
22
00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:12,914
AKA The Fatal Flying Guillotine Karrier.
23
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:16,695
He knew I understood
what a warrior's soul was
24
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,495
and I could say shit like "saga"
25
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,958
and "bring the motherfucking ruckus"
without sounding like a sucka.
26
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:27,878
At the age 15, Fists's parents took
the arduous trek up the deadly 110 freeway
27
00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,962
to live in the village of Glendale.
28
00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,178
Fists thrived in his new environment.
29
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,428
A defensive back of the first string,
30
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:38,471
11 sacks, ten interceptions,
five pick sixes.
31
00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,636
Shit, this kid was almost invincible.
32
00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:46,561
In the apocalypse,
our hero has taken on a mantle of rōnin,
33
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:49,978
a wandering soul seeking redemption
for a heinous crime.
34
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,778
A haunting tragedy yet to be revealed.
35
00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,032
To wit, Wesley gained new compatriots
36
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,865
with less dope names
like Josh and Angelica.
37
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,291
Friends whom Wesley
might call family, but...
38
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,575
his heart belongs to another...
39
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,041
the villainous Turbo Bro Jock.
40
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:10,129
Which side is this warrior gonna choose?
41
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,131
DAYBREAK
42
00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:18,927
PART 1: HOMECOMING REDUX
43
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,273
So which are you gonna choose?
44
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,348
Choose?
45
00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:26,404
Songs!
46
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,229
For the homecoming dance playlist?
47
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,190
This is no mere playlist.
48
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:34,903
This is no mere
homecoming dance do-over.
49
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:40,237
We rescued these kids from Baron Triumph.
50
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,326
This is a Saturnalia
to the wonder of life,
51
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,372
drinking from the water fountain of youth.
52
00:02:44,455 --> 00:02:47,125
Tonight, we stare the Grim Reaper
in the face, and we say,
53
00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:49,378
"If you like it,
then you should've put a ring on it."
54
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,800
This is the soundtrack of our lives!
55
00:02:56,426 --> 00:03:01,434
Uh... Is this you? Uh, KJ?
56
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,765
What does that stand for?
57
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,604
Keung Jung?
58
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,345
Uh, Kim Jong?
59
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:10,110
Okay, look, we can't just let anyone in.
60
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,780
Someone's got to make sure
you 'fugees are copacetic.
61
00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:14,484
You remember ICE?
62
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,358
Well, I'm the new ICE.
63
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:21,490
Okay, I need you to sign
this oath of allegiance.
64
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,576
Basically, you got to do
what I say at all times.
65
00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:25,341
And you can't make fun of me
behind my back
66
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,791
like Dana Rappaport did
when I sharted in the third grade.
67
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:30,344
Oh, and also,
it automatically casts a vote for me
68
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,298
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.
69
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,722
This counts as a vote!
70
00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:44,965
Eyes on your own work!
71
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,646
This isn't a test.
72
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:49,848
It's art therapy.
73
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,440
My psychiatrist had me do this to examine
subconscious emotions in my drawing.
74
00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:59,276
I painted an untamed unicorn baby gouging
her mommy unicorn in the uterus.
75
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,032
But it didn't mean anything.
76
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:02,779
Why are you using spiders?
77
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,291
The black widow represents death,
78
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:06,960
and the brown widow represents death.
79
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,464
They duel because all of life is death.
80
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,751
And brown is the new black.
81
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,474
Turn it down! Turn the music down!
82
00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:26,144
Turn it down! The music, turn it down!
83
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:31,559
The Ghoulie part of the Witch
is super sensitive to loud noise.
84
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:34,403
Shit! I was only playing this on chill.
85
00:04:34,482 --> 00:04:37,032
I barely got to thumping.
What happens when I get to cranking?
86
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,150
If you pump up the volume tonight,
87
00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:42,117
we'll be doing The Electric Slide
with a horde of Ghoulies.
88
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,621
Hard to make the soundtrack of our lives
with no soundtrack.
89
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:49,164
Maybe this is a bad idea,
90
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,709
recreating what we we'll
never really have again.
91
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,169
You're missing Sam pretty hard.
92
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,378
We were gonna go to the dance together.
93
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,471
She was gonna be Homecoming Queen.
94
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:02,974
I know what you need.
95
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,137
Maybe you should try masturbating.
96
00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:08,728
Dude...
97
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,941
Also, you should try masturbating.
98
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:20,566
A warrior will rub one out
before heading into battle.
99
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:24,663
I thought samurai were like monks,
you know, on a strict NoFap diet.
100
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,448
Samurai are the samurai
of burping the worm.
101
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:29,535
Why you think
action figures got kung fu grip?
102
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,041
You seem more chill than usual.
103
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:36,634
Did saving all these kids, you know,
fulfill your quest for redemption?
104
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,670
Don't write off the dance, brother.
Could be cathartic.
105
00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:44,508
Anyway, I'm heading out.
Gotta feed Triumph and Turbo.
106
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,474
- I'll go with you.
- I got it.
107
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:49,274
You use your survival skills
to solve this noise issue.
108
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,137
Hey, hey, uh...
109
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:56,114
What about Mastermind by Deltron 3030
for the soundtrack?
110
00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,316
Right? Yeah?
111
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,374
There's only one reason
a man would venture
112
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,949
into the dangerous wasteland
all by his lonesome...
113
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,785
Because he is a traitorous whelp
looking for a nooner.
114
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,098
What about Josh?
115
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,319
He's a friend.
116
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,192
Don't get jealous.
117
00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:18,077
I'm not gonna let you do that.
118
00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,374
Why?
119
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:22,751
Because he beat you?
120
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,461
Because he left you here?
121
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,465
I came back.
122
00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:33,391
Let it go.
123
00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:41,354
Don't get jealous.
124
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,567
You want me to kill Josh?
125
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,864
You punishing me for having a friend?
126
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:13,471
Wesley Fists was familiar
with the rock and the hard place.
127
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,893
He'd been there before,
128
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,465
forced into choosing
a side on the battleground of life.
129
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:21,515
- Homecoming, y'all!
- Whoo!
130
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,152
- Compton on notice!
- Whoo!
131
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,109
- We goin' to state!
- Whoo!
132
00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:26,399
- We dominate!
- Whoo!
133
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,942
- Goin' hard like...
- Whoo!
134
00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:29,395
- Rollin' hard like...
- Whoo!
135
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:30,775
- Hornets be like...
- Whoo!
136
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,321
- Turbo be like...
- Whoo!
137
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,655
- Hornets be like...
- Whoo!
138
00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:35,199
- Seize the crown like...
- Whoo!
139
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,793
Seize the crown!
140
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,248
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
141
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:47,771
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
142
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:49,505
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
143
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,129
- We got your back!
- Who got my back?
144
00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:53,876
We got your back!
145
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:57,887
'Sup, Wes?
146
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,640
'Sup, Emmett?
147
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:05,522
Emmett was Wesley's third cousin
on his mama's side and his best friend.
148
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,982
Gentlemen, welcome
to Glendale High School,
149
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,527
but we have a strict no visitor policy.
150
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,532
Yeah? Why is that?
151
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,453
Your little posh crew gonna
get all jumpy around us niggas?
152
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,407
No. What? What?
153
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,452
No. No, we're all woke here.
154
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,325
Uh, wide awoke.
155
00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:25,083
No, it's an administrative measure
for safety
156
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:28,666
and has nothing to do
with any form of institutionalized racism.
157
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:32,298
But I am gonna have to ask your coach
to escort you off campus
158
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,431
in a totally non-racist way.
159
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,139
- Coach?
- It's all good, all right?
160
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,549
Our bus just got here early.
161
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,848
Stretching our legs,
sussing out the competition.
162
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,061
Blood's gonna flow
like a chocolate fountain
163
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,352
at a bar mitzvah, cousin.
164
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,163
You don't get to call me
cousin no more, traitor.
165
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,227
I transferred schools, Emmett.
166
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,404
- It's not on me my pops moved.
- Yeah, it's on you.
167
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,127
Bowing down
to these privileged white folks.
168
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:54,451
- Why don't you step the fuck back.
- Hey, chill.
169
00:10:54,528 --> 00:10:55,738
Chill, Turbo. Chill!
170
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,111
Chill. It's all good.
171
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,638
He's just trying to get me riled up.
172
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,831
But when you know your enemy
better than you know yourself,
173
00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:06,076
- the outcome has already been decided.
- You ain't no samurai, you dumb blerd.
174
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,127
It was fun playing when we was kids,
but that was a game.
175
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:11,021
Why you trying to be
something you ain't?
176
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,375
Man, you would've never said
that shit to Wu-Tang.
177
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,764
Or Kendrick
when he's trying to be Kung Fu Kenny,
178
00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,051
or Nicki Minaj
when she's trying to play Chun-Li.
179
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:19,552
Bitch, I'm on the tip!
180
00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,425
Yeah, like vanilla iced matcha latte.
181
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,140
You frontin' Asian? You frontin' white?
182
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,730
Bet you eat
that nasty-ass qui-noa shit too, huh?
183
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,480
"Quinoa..."
184
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,817
is fucking delicious.
185
00:11:35,903 --> 00:11:37,413
Spoken like a true white boy.
186
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,680
There's only two things I really miss
187
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,350
about the way things were.
188
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:04,849
Reading a Nicholas Sparks novel
cover to cover the day it comes out
189
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,056
and live-tweeting The Bachelor.
190
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,635
You eat people's hearts.
191
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,058
Doesn't mean I don't have one.
192
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,476
Why are you keeping me alive?
193
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,650
We're not killers.
194
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,565
I don't like being locked up,
195
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,953
but watching you
and Turbo has got me hooked.
196
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,779
The romance, betrayal, secrets.
197
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,197
What's gonna happen next?
198
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:27,245
I don't think you and I
engaging in discourse is advisable.
199
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,159
Oh?
200
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:31,247
Well, who encouraged you
to take AP English
201
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,793
so you could boost up your GPA?
202
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:33,877
You did.
203
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:37,551
Who gave you his FilmStruck password
so you could watch those Kurosawa films?
204
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:39,931
- You did.
- And who comforted you
205
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,009
when Jessie Felk broke your heart?
206
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,184
Omar from The Wire.
207
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,312
Yeah, but who told you to watch The Wire?
208
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,929
- You told me to watch season two.
- Season two is amazing.
209
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,387
Only white dudes like season two!
210
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,147
You could surgically remove
season two, and no one would miss it.
211
00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,479
Don't you miss this, Wesley?
212
00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,976
Talking around
the proverbial water cooler.
213
00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,820
You're eyeing me like a steak.
214
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,034
Nah, that's just sympathy.
215
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:03,868
I know what you're going through.
216
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:07,199
You're being pulled
between two friends, again.
217
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,787
I remember.
218
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,791
I know what your cousin said to you
at the pep rally.
219
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,504
"He said," Ease up, cuz.
220
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,916
Take it easy on me out there.
221
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,424
I need this win. You don't.
222
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:19,876
"You can let me win."
223
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:25,143
He even said... Please.
224
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,180
Selfish brat wanted you to throw the game
so that he could win.
225
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:30,806
You don't know shit about my cousin.
226
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:36,817
I know about playing ninja
at Rancho Cienega Rec.
227
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,981
I know he was just gutted
228
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,398
when you left Compton.
229
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:44,617
How do you know that?
230
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,828
Because...
231
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,330
I ate Emmett, you blerd.
232
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,790
You deserve your cage.
233
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:02,089
You're gonna hurt everyone you love.
234
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:06,602
And I'll be here...
binging every episode.
235
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:29,544
Looks like someone is spying on you.
236
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:32,084
Dun, dun, dun!
237
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,379
PART 2: DUN, DUN, DUN
238
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:51,103
You got to be kidding me.
239
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,851
Whoa, that's my board.
240
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,067
Right,
you don't speak any English. Okay.
241
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,447
No.
242
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:08,907
That...
243
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,493
is mine.
244
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:18,212
Angelica.
245
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:27,472
Thanks.
246
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:28,551
Angelica?
247
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:31,473
I know what you're doing,
and you have to stop.
248
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,265
I look so pretty in my dress!
249
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:34,933
Why is she yelling?
250
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,517
I put plugs in her ears.
251
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,266
I have plugs in my ears!
252
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,694
So she won't be bothered
by the music at the dance.
253
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,733
No, I have plugs in my ears.
254
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:45,026
I'm trying to fix the sound thing.
255
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,820
Yeah, by hanging blankets on the wall
like this is a freshmen dorm!
256
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,776
You didn't even go
to our school, Angelica.
257
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:53,986
- Why do you care so much about this dance?
- Everyone likes to dance!
258
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,498
Music stimulates
the orbital frontal cortex,
259
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,250
and dance activates the cerebellum.
260
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:01,209
Every culture, around the world,
261
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:02,173
throughout time,
262
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:03,502
they all shake their booty.
263
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,089
That includes me, the Witch,
264
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:13,064
Wesley, KJ, you...
Oh, no, no. KJ and I...
265
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:14,764
never gonna happen.
266
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,847
But you guys have so much in common!
267
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,524
You both skate, and you...
268
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,902
skate.
269
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:27,863
I know you miss Sam,
but she's dead.
270
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:31,365
Your little meet-cutes are meet-stupids.
271
00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:32,528
And they have to stop.
272
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,493
There are five stages of grief:
273
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:39,253
denial, anger, depression,
274
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:41,671
rebound sex, Korean spa.
275
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,969
The spider venom has mutated.
276
00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:50,338
It's super toxic. Death on contact.
277
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,006
Ms. Crumble's crown is lethal.
278
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:54,104
- Don't touch.
- Yes, yes!
279
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,349
- I do like horchata!
- Oh, no!
280
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,562
Yes, it's cinnamon-y goodness!
281
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,732
- Ow!
- Just stop.
282
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:03,811
It says you do as I say,
and it automatically casts a vote for me
283
00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,517
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty.
284
00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:07,606
Just sign here, Other Gay Josh.
285
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:10,318
Uh, Gay Josh is dead,
286
00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:13,374
so I think I should just be Gay Josh now.
287
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,949
You can't appropriate someone's identity!
288
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,040
Show some damned respect!
289
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:28,298
Now we can talk privately.
290
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:29,971
How much did you see?
291
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:35,006
Enough to start
a new streaming porn service.
292
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:35,925
That was sick.
293
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,723
Don't be one of those homophobic,
small-minded, backsliding,
294
00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:41,887
pearl-clutching, rainbow hating,
no-keg-selling Westboro book burners!
295
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:44,647
I don't care if you dig bagpiping,
296
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,650
but you're bagpiping Turbo, bro!
297
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,782
But you knew that!
298
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,689
You've been blackmailing me for weeks!
299
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,988
Here's the trill, I lied!
300
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,782
Okay, it's one of my moves.
301
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:58,405
I narrow my eyes all seriously and say,
"I know your secret, Fists."
302
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,094
You're the dump truck who took the bait!
303
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,162
Pretty sneaky, sis.
304
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,666
My IQ level is Gucci.
305
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,750
Now, turn off that music
306
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,993
before your milkshake brings
all the ghouls to the yard.
307
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,104
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey!
308
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,269
Yo... Hey!
309
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,268
Hey!
310
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,560
You're a pacifist!
311
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,186
You're not gonna let me die out here!
312
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:28,872
You can't blackmail me if you're brunch!
313
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,781
I'm not letting youcontrol my destiny.
314
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,239
I'm telling Josh everything.
315
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,702
What do you think Josh is gonna say
316
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,830
when he finds out his best friend
is a full-on Benedict Cumberbatch?
317
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,538
You mean Benedict Arnold?
318
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:43,209
I mean I'm gonna be
eggs benedict lobster hollandaise
319
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,557
if you don't open this fucking door!
320
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,221
You had your reach-around with the devil.
Now you got to kill Josh.
321
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:48,341
I can't!
322
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,459
If you don't kill Josh,
you're gonna kill the rest of us!
323
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,587
A wise man once said,
324
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:56,434
"The needs of many outweigh
the needs of one dead Canadian."
325
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,970
You're quoting Star Trek.
326
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,471
Spock is a space samurai!
327
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,558
Hey, hey! Wes!
328
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:03,641
Where are you going?
329
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:06,811
Wes!
330
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,409
Just as these monsters tore apart
this sweet ass ghetto blaster,
331
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,917
so too was Wesley's soul torn asunder,
332
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,917
in the present, and in the past.
333
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:33,876
Hadouken!
334
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:39,758
You win!
335
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:42,558
You never lose as Ryu.
336
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,676
Compton must have you rattled.
337
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,846
The buttons are sticking is all, okay?
338
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,645
This game gets us into state.
339
00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:50,694
College scouts are coming.
340
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,147
Also, you know Coach is dying?
341
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,254
- I thought Coach was retiring.
- He's retiring because he's dying.
342
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,028
This is on your shoulders, QB.
343
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,203
But you could be on the QT.
344
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,913
Round Two, fight!
345
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,212
Hey, what's Guile's secret move?
346
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,290
Front, back, kick, kick, kick.
347
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,625
What's your secret move?
348
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,377
You are.
349
00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:17,419
I'm just a defensive back.
350
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,135
Ten interceptions, three pick sixes.
351
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:23,177
- You know my line?
- I know all your lines.
352
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,479
I don't have your knowledge
of kung fu movies,
353
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:27,848
but I know Karate Kid.
354
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,101
Tonight, you have to sweep the leg.
355
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,728
You take out their top receiver, we win.
356
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:35,175
You know Daniel still beats Johnny
357
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,003
and gets
the All Valley Karate Championship trophy.
358
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,947
Johnny didn't have
the bro globes to finish him.
359
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,989
Daniel sent a crane kick.
360
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,623
"If do right, no can defense."
361
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,699
Yes, can defense. Easy can defense.
You just take a step back.
362
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,826
He did kind of walk right into it.
363
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,125
Yeah. Johnny just felt all sorry
for all the shit he did to Daniel.
364
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,340
Daniel didn't win. Johnny had a limp dick.
365
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,720
- Yeah!
- See, that's what I'm talking about!
366
00:21:06,306 --> 00:21:07,426
Emmett is my family.
367
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:09,886
Your family calls you a bitch
in front of the whole school.
368
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:13,397
Maybe he's right! Maybe I am fronting
so I can fit in around here.
369
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,520
Acting all ninja so y'all would dig me
or some shit.
370
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:18,607
You are something too cool
for him to even fathom.
371
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:21,986
Don't play me.
372
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:25,698
I like you.
373
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,583
I play a lot of games.
374
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,078
But want to know
how I know you're for real?
375
00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,148
The hell is going on with you?
376
00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:55,768
Stepping out?
Leaving the school all by yourself?
377
00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:58,030
You're being sloppy.
378
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:00,397
People are gonna ask questions.
379
00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:03,609
Hey!
380
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:09,183
You chose me to be your right hand
'cause I'm not weak sauce.
381
00:22:09,578 --> 00:22:10,698
And I'm no idiot.
382
00:22:10,787 --> 00:22:13,497
I know where you've been,
and I know who you've been with.
383
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:15,833
You're hooking up with Wesley.
384
00:22:16,209 --> 00:22:18,959
He invited us to come to a dance.
385
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:32,808
I get it.
386
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:34,685
You fucking love the guy,
387
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:36,687
and he fucking loves you.
388
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:40,029
And you're both so fucking lucky.
389
00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:44,494
Shit, I'd kill for someone to look at me
the way Wesley looks at you.
390
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:46,906
It's...
391
00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:48,946
It's really beautiful.
392
00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:58,335
But there's no time for love.
393
00:22:58,710 --> 00:22:59,880
You go to that mall,
394
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:01,341
do the Cabbage Patch with Wesley,
395
00:23:01,421 --> 00:23:03,301
and make peace with those mall rats?
396
00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:06,343
It'll show everyone you've gone soft,
397
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:08,216
ripe for a Groupon-d'état.
398
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:12,558
Everyone will try to overthrow
your ass at once.
399
00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:14,767
Or...
400
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,477
we can have our own homecoming dance.
401
00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:20,192
Show them all how it gets done.
402
00:23:22,859 --> 00:23:25,609
What? Everyone likes to dance.
403
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:54,032
You can't kill Josh. It has to be me.
404
00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:56,367
- That's how Turbo wants it.
- How do you know that?
405
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:08,876
So what are we gonna do?
406
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:13,260
I got to put my thinking cap on.
407
00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:18,138
I used to be a king,
408
00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:21,226
a fair, noble ruler.
409
00:25:22,562 --> 00:25:23,772
Just me and Mavis.
410
00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,029
Our threads were dope,
and I got to sink the pink
411
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:28,438
three times a day.
412
00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:30,280
That's true love.
413
00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:33,160
And then Josh happened.
414
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,780
He busts in my mall, he camps in my mall,
415
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:37,407
brought all these kids into my mall.
416
00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:41,624
And now they're gonna vote for Josh
as Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty?
417
00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:44,882
Face it. I mean, dude deserves to die.
418
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:48,209
I don't want to kill Josh, but...
419
00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:56,095
if I did,
420
00:25:57,430 --> 00:26:01,350
it'd have to be quick,
and painless, and untraceable.
421
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:04,305
A perfect murder.
422
00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:05,396
Mm...
423
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:07,606
We get a mutant pug.
424
00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:09,324
A falling air conditioner.
425
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:10,401
We get a hippo.
426
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:12,324
A hive of angry bees.
427
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:13,914
We get a shark.
428
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,199
Ricin cigarette.
429
00:26:15,282 --> 00:26:16,452
Banana peel.
430
00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:17,623
Parking meter?
431
00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:19,371
An angry Roomba.
432
00:26:19,452 --> 00:26:20,952
Reprogram the escalator.
433
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,578
Truck with lots of rebar in it.
434
00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:24,915
A whole bunch of marbles.
435
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,840
Oh, an exploding xylophone.
436
00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:28,038
Texting while driving.
437
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,248
Ricin cigarette.
438
00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:30,838
I said that.
439
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:32,381
Oh.
440
00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:35,261
Um, extra-long bungee cord.
441
00:26:37,262 --> 00:26:38,432
Hot dog eating contest.
442
00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,353
Oh, a parkour contest.
443
00:26:40,432 --> 00:26:41,812
Freddy Krueger cosplay.
444
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:43,271
- Pray to Thor.
- Kale.
445
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:45,811
Waterboarding by Ghoulie jizz.
446
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:47,980
The fuck?
447
00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:56,485
Shit, I don't want to do this.
448
00:26:57,657 --> 00:26:58,657
But damn...
449
00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:02,411
I know what I have to do.
450
00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:18,887
Um...
451
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:33,109
Um... Uh...
452
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:34,652
I...
453
00:27:35,862 --> 00:27:37,452
I just want to ask you something.
454
00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:39,907
Yes!
455
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:44,004
PART 3: THE POISON CROWN
456
00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:46,329
While everyone in the mall
got ready for the dance,
457
00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:49,464
Wesley Fists got ready
to assassinate Josh Wheeler.
458
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:54,255
Wesley's favorite kung-fu movie
was a classic piece of cinema:
459
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,219
The Man with the Poison Crown.
460
00:27:56,966 --> 00:28:00,296
In the film, a dethroned prince
enters a tournament of death
461
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:02,887
to regain his empire
with his favorite weapon,
462
00:28:02,972 --> 00:28:05,732
the aforementioned toxic tiara.
463
00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:11,020
Fists's plan was bold and decisive.
464
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:14,113
After saving the kids from Baron Triumph,
465
00:28:14,192 --> 00:28:17,152
Josh was certain to win
the gender-neutral homecoming title.
466
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:21,699
Mutant spider venom kills on contact.
467
00:28:22,325 --> 00:28:23,985
When Josh puts the crown on...
468
00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:27,251
instant death, a tragic accident.
469
00:28:27,664 --> 00:28:30,004
The weapon is set, the deed is done.
470
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,923
No regrets, no turning back.
471
00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:52,790
Oh, no!
472
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:55,340
You wanted me to come to the dance.
473
00:29:55,418 --> 00:29:57,128
With a human!
474
00:29:57,212 --> 00:30:00,172
Not a pile of dirty string
that smells like ammonia.
475
00:30:02,842 --> 00:30:04,392
But I saw you talking to KJ.
476
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:06,589
Yeah, she helped me set up
these Bluetooth headphones.
477
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,218
I knew how important this dance was
to everyone, and you,
478
00:30:09,307 --> 00:30:11,887
so I just wanted to make sure
it really happened.
479
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:13,596
So you could dance with Mop Sam?
480
00:30:13,686 --> 00:30:17,396
Look, in junior high, we had to go
to the school dances for gym credit.
481
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,532
So if you weren't busting a move
with a girl,
482
00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:22,605
Mr. Ziphlo made you dance with a mop.
483
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:26,025
This is the saddest thing
I've heard in my entire life.
484
00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:29,200
And I survived a nuclear holocaust.
485
00:30:29,285 --> 00:30:33,245
I was one of the guys who never had
the courage to ask a girl out.
486
00:30:34,332 --> 00:30:36,712
But then I asked Sam
to the homecoming dance, and...
487
00:30:37,585 --> 00:30:38,795
she said yes.
488
00:30:39,587 --> 00:30:40,667
I miss Sam.
489
00:30:41,965 --> 00:30:43,255
Ooh, slow jam!
490
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:18,329
You got this, 54.
491
00:31:20,378 --> 00:31:22,548
Hey, Mona, you want to dance?
492
00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:25,008
Do I look like I eat white meat?
493
00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:28,845
This dance sucks!
494
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:32,097
We had another balloon,
but Barry went and popped it.
495
00:31:32,181 --> 00:31:33,641
In solidarity with Terry.
496
00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:36,935
RIP Terry, RIP Jerry, RIP Larry.
497
00:31:37,645 --> 00:31:39,645
These mopes just need
some encouragement.
498
00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:41,231
Quit sulking and dance.
499
00:31:42,358 --> 00:31:43,358
Now!
500
00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:55,542
We're not much of a team, Barry.
501
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:57,082
Oh, don't get glum, Gary.
502
00:31:57,165 --> 00:31:59,165
There's plenty of two-person teams.
503
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:01,209
Beach volleyball,
504
00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:02,958
doubles tennis,
505
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:04,630
jai alai,
506
00:32:05,715 --> 00:32:06,545
bobsledding...
507
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:07,973
Bobsledding doesn't have a ball.
508
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:10,929
Well maybe we recruit some new members.
509
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,352
No one's enlisting.
We got a target on our back.
510
00:32:13,431 --> 00:32:15,731
Nah, it's on our fucking face.
511
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:18,716
They're taking odds on
which one of us is gonna die next.
512
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:21,520
Okay, look.
These jocks are swole on steroids.
513
00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,516
Golf is a thinking bro's game.
514
00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:25,025
We don't act rash,
515
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:27,238
but we methodically plot
our path to the hole.
516
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:29,822
They don't call us masters for nothing.
517
00:32:29,906 --> 00:32:32,116
Yeah. Green is my favorite color.
518
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,120
We only need two members to be a team.
519
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:35,952
I got your back, you got mine.
520
00:32:36,037 --> 00:32:37,707
I got your back, you got mine.
521
00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:07,321
Voting is closed, friends.
522
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:11,912
Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty will be
officially announced in five minutes.
523
00:33:16,703 --> 00:33:18,963
If you think this tale has a happy end,
524
00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:22,458
if you hope the rōnin will see
the error of his ways and save the day...
525
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:25,587
well, then you haven't
been paying attention at all.
526
00:33:26,212 --> 00:33:30,132
PART 4: THE BIG GAME
527
00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,429
You look like a homecoming queen!
528
00:33:39,434 --> 00:33:40,984
You and Turbo make a cute couple.
529
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:43,807
Uh, you and Turbo make a cute couple.
530
00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:47,107
How did you know?
531
00:33:48,568 --> 00:33:49,688
I see how you look at him.
532
00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:50,817
He's DTF.
533
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:53,990
But IDK. It's TBD.
534
00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:57,951
You should be Homecoming King.
535
00:33:58,286 --> 00:34:00,116
I'm more the guy behind the guy.
536
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:02,923
Not a gay thing.
537
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:04,708
Just...
538
00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:06,543
truth.
539
00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:10,046
Well, I voted for you.
540
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:13,384
Everybody voted for Turbo.
541
00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:16,181
You're a football player,
542
00:34:16,262 --> 00:34:19,352
a film geek, the only gay samurai
to pull off tie dye pants,
543
00:34:19,432 --> 00:34:21,182
and you always have the sickest weed.
544
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:23,734
Sense and Sensimilla is good.
545
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,428
I personally like
Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Pipe.
546
00:34:26,481 --> 00:34:28,821
When I grow up,
I want to make my own strain.
547
00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:30,609
420 Rōnin.
548
00:34:35,573 --> 00:34:38,623
We're supposed to be spending this time
finding out who we really are.
549
00:34:39,410 --> 00:34:42,750
And you, my friend, are the only one
who's brave enough to try.
550
00:34:43,498 --> 00:34:44,748
That is why you're royalty.
551
00:34:44,832 --> 00:34:46,042
I'm just trying to survive.
552
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,125
I got friends,
553
00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:50,671
my team, Turbo,
554
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:53,418
family, Emmett.
555
00:34:55,259 --> 00:34:56,299
And still...
556
00:34:58,137 --> 00:35:00,007
I feel so alone.
557
00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:06,346
I have over...
558
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:10,151
a million followers
since Josh posted that video.
559
00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:12,743
But finding
that one person who really gets...
560
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:21,582
There are so many conditions
on unconditional love.
561
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:22,871
I have to choose...
562
00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:24,621
between Emmett...
563
00:35:25,456 --> 00:35:26,456
and Turbo.
564
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:31,169
Whoever I choose...
I lose the other.
565
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:34,548
Probably forever.
566
00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:36,344
You're a regular Yojimbo.
567
00:35:37,885 --> 00:35:39,215
You should do what I did.
568
00:35:41,430 --> 00:35:42,770
Choose Wesley.
569
00:35:52,108 --> 00:35:53,648
Set, hike!
570
00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:03,952
Fourth quarter, two minutes on the clock.
571
00:36:04,036 --> 00:36:07,826
Glendale's up by five,
Compton has the ball on their 20.
572
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:09,285
If Compton makes this drive,
573
00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:11,415
they could win the whole bangalanga.
574
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:14,632
Now Wesley's cousin wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.
575
00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:18,553
Wesley's boyfriend wants him to cheat,
so he can win the game.
576
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,965
How do you win a no-win situation?
577
00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:37,027
Instead of choosing Emmett or Turbo,
578
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:39,735
Wesley followed Sam Dean's advice.
579
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:41,699
He chose himself.
580
00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:44,740
He shoved one player into another.
581
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:47,787
It only takes a minimal amount
of friction to start a fire.
582
00:36:48,539 --> 00:36:50,749
That fire can light a fuse,
583
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,383
and when it burns down...
584
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:55,090
Boom! There goes the dynamite.
585
00:36:55,171 --> 00:36:57,671
Tempers flared so hot
that chilly autumn eve
586
00:36:57,757 --> 00:37:00,717
that the ground temperature rose
about 11 degrees,
587
00:37:00,801 --> 00:37:03,261
and Wesley Fists evaded
the impossible choice
588
00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:06,217
by eliminating the unanswerable question.
589
00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:11,024
And by doing so,
he truly became a samurai.
590
00:37:11,729 --> 00:37:14,229
Nah, that ain't
what the fuck happened.
591
00:37:14,315 --> 00:37:16,565
That's just a lie
that Wesley tells himself.
592
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:18,821
- What actually happened is this.
- Hike!
593
00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:58,935
What's the matter, Fists?
594
00:37:59,568 --> 00:38:01,238
You don't dig on hearing the truth?
595
00:38:14,041 --> 00:38:15,581
Yo, you can't run away from me.
596
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:16,838
I'm in your head, kid.
597
00:38:17,336 --> 00:38:20,586
And I'm so sick
of your slash fiction bullshit.
598
00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:22,173
You have to say what I think!
599
00:38:22,717 --> 00:38:23,837
You're my narrator!
600
00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:26,926
Son, I'm the sharpest motherfucker
in the whole damn Clan.
601
00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:29,563
You know I speak the truth.
You picked the RZA, right?
602
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:30,470
That's on you.
603
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,558
Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is.
604
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:35,975
Easy! I'm the one dealing
with the end of the world up in here.
605
00:38:36,063 --> 00:38:39,443
You're so damned twisted, man,
you don't even know what is true or false.
606
00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:42,855
There was never even a movie called
The Man With the Poisoned Crown, yo!
607
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:45,105
Yeah-huh! I saw it on Channel Five.
608
00:38:45,197 --> 00:38:48,867
You're mixing up Shogun Assassin
with Master of the Flying Guillotine,
609
00:38:48,951 --> 00:38:50,121
which is offensive, right?
610
00:38:50,202 --> 00:38:52,752
Because kung fu and samurai
are different cultures.
611
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:53,830
Shit!
612
00:38:53,914 --> 00:38:55,174
Children make shit up, man,
613
00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:57,249
so they can be heroes of their story.
614
00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:58,625
Emmett was right!
615
00:38:59,378 --> 00:39:01,338
I am a fake! I'm no samurai!
616
00:39:01,922 --> 00:39:03,302
I'm camp as fuck!
617
00:39:03,382 --> 00:39:05,722
It's not your fault
you want to be a samurai.
618
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:09,181
See, that's the economical pressure
being expressed as warrior code.
619
00:39:09,263 --> 00:39:12,103
It started when young black men
couldn't afford to go to the movies
620
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:13,773
so we watched kung fu reruns.
621
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:16,518
We found beauty in things
that had been neglected.
622
00:39:16,604 --> 00:39:19,024
We saw the lotus flower
growing out of the mud.
623
00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:22,396
It spun out to everything, man,from Jim Kelly to The Last Dragon
624
00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:23,815
to Sho'nuff Shogun.
625
00:39:23,903 --> 00:39:25,203
This shit gonna be on the test?
626
00:39:25,654 --> 00:39:27,034
Are you gonna help me out here?
627
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:29,740
Man, look at yourself.
628
00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:31,701
Look at yourself!
629
00:39:41,504 --> 00:39:42,714
You didn't choose you.
630
00:39:43,672 --> 00:39:44,762
You chose Turbo.
631
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:47,181
And you can't even admit it.
632
00:39:47,259 --> 00:39:48,799
You can't help who you love.
633
00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:51,025
And you're never gonna
find that redemption
634
00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:52,967
if you keep making the same damn mistake.
635
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:13,660
I need to tell you...
636
00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:15,537
everything.
637
00:40:17,706 --> 00:40:21,746
After the bomb, Turbo was the only one
who had a game plan to survive.
638
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,956
I followed him because I loved him,
and he loved me.
639
00:40:26,382 --> 00:40:27,382
Maybe too much.
640
00:40:42,731 --> 00:40:45,031
One day, I was talking to Curtis Bedford.
641
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:48,819
The next day, Turbo impaled him on spikes.
642
00:40:48,904 --> 00:40:51,074
Turbo killed Tom Harthenon American Ninja Idol
643
00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:52,777
because he said he liked my shoes.
644
00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:57,327
And more:
Barbra, Grisby, Medici, Gray,
645
00:40:57,413 --> 00:41:00,213
all those kids died
because they were being nice to me.
646
00:41:00,624 --> 00:41:03,754
Why does Hollywood
keep making movies from comic books?
647
00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:24,734
That's why I'm a rōnin.
648
00:41:24,815 --> 00:41:26,275
That's why I need redemption.
649
00:41:26,859 --> 00:41:27,739
You're going to die
650
00:41:27,818 --> 00:41:30,858
because my ex-boyfriend can't stand
that you and I are friends.
651
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:38,997
You put my song
on the soundtrack of our lives.
652
00:41:40,164 --> 00:41:41,424
Deltron 3030?
653
00:41:42,124 --> 00:41:43,714
Thanks for making me feel so cool, man.
654
00:41:43,792 --> 00:41:45,002
Did you hear what I said?
655
00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:47,418
I thought you were just singing along.
656
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:53,795
It's now time to announce
our Gender-Neutral Homecoming Royalty!
657
00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:01,564
Mop Sam Dean...
I love you, Mop Sam!
658
00:42:02,269 --> 00:42:03,769
And Wesley Fists!
659
00:42:05,689 --> 00:42:07,689
Samurai for the win! Yeah!
660
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,780
Well, I voted for you.
661
00:42:10,861 --> 00:42:12,821
I mean, you saved them.
662
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,639
I made sure everyone knows
that you're the hero that we need.
663
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:30,048
Irony is a bitch goddess.
664
00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:33,300
She puts that leather jacket on sale
the day after you buy it.
665
00:42:33,384 --> 00:42:37,184
She will make you gain five pounds
after you was on a two-week juice cleanse.
666
00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:41,431
And if you're plotting an assassination,
667
00:42:42,142 --> 00:42:45,312
you can be sure she will put
a plot twist in that motherfucker.
668
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:54,070
Staring at the Grim Reaper,
Wesley didn't say,
669
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:56,124
"If you like it,
you should've put a ring on it."
670
00:42:56,198 --> 00:42:58,408
He thought, "Maybe I deserve this."
671
00:43:00,869 --> 00:43:05,369
After Emmett, and Curtis, and Medici,
and Barbra, and Grisby, and Gray,
672
00:43:05,457 --> 00:43:07,537
after betraying and lying to Josh,
673
00:43:07,626 --> 00:43:10,086
Wesley realized he's not the warrior.
674
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,550
He's the bully. He's the bad guy.
675
00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:14,931
He's just like Johnny in The Karate Kid.
676
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,679
And like Johnny,
he has to sacrifice himself
677
00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,681
so that the outcast can be the hero.
678
00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:22,561
Maybe if Wesley was dead,
679
00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:25,481
Turbo would be struck with grief,
and he'd call off his attack.
680
00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:27,101
Maybe this is the only way out.
681
00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:30,438
Stop!
682
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:32,444
No one touch that crown!
683
00:43:44,747 --> 00:43:49,337
PART 5:
THE IGNOBLE AMBUSH OF TURBO BRO JOCK
684
00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:26,370
Wesley lied again.
685
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,827
He learned this trick from Kurosawa.
686
00:44:28,916 --> 00:44:30,536
It's all about perspective,
687
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:31,876
pulling a Rashomon.
688
00:44:32,461 --> 00:44:34,001
This is what he didn't show you.
689
00:44:34,421 --> 00:44:35,711
Stop!
690
00:44:35,798 --> 00:44:37,718
No one touch that crown.
691
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,973
Turbo told me that
he's gonna come and kill you all.
692
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:44,891
But I have a plan.
693
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,059
I know how we can fight back.
694
00:44:49,812 --> 00:44:51,272
You have to trust me.
695
00:44:59,530 --> 00:45:01,620
Wesley set up decoys.
696
00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:05,291
Everyone hid, and you know the rest.
697
00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:25,845
In the end, Wesley chose wisely.
698
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:27,431
He chose friendship.
699
00:45:27,516 --> 00:45:28,886
He chose himself.
700
00:45:29,351 --> 00:45:31,601
Maybe one day, he will end this quest,
701
00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:33,477
one day, he will be a samurai.
702
00:45:34,523 --> 00:45:35,573
But not today.
703
00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:37,994
It's like I said,
704
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:40,526
this story does not end well.
705
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:46,624
But, uh, that's a story for another time.
705
00:45:47,305 --> 00:45:53,627
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