All language subtitles for Gary Busey Pet Judge s01e06_English

ANNOUNCER: Too often
in this world,

animal crimes
fall through the cracks.

Luckily for all of us,
there is a man astride
a white horse

of scorching hot pet law.

The crimes are real,
the justice is real-er.

It'sGary Busey Pet Judge.

Pet justice.

Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: He says
this pet psychic is a fraud.

She says her pet clairvoyance
is completely genuine.

Judge Gary will
transubstantiate a verdict.

All rise.

The honorable
Judge Gary Busey presiding.

JUDGE GARY:
It feels good, doesn't it?

At least to me, it does.
You may be seated.

Thank you for rising.

It's like good bread
on Sunday, it rises.

Okay, I'd like to hear
from the plaintiff.

Hi. Uh, my...

My hamster died,
that's how this story starts,

which is a total bummer.

Uh, but after my hamster...

My hamster's name
is Princess Bubblegum.

Um... and I love him.

And my hamster died.

And then, after,
I wanted to speak to him,

and I reached out
to a pet psychic.

And, uh,
the pet psychic told me

that my hamster was telling me
to invest a lot of my money...

-Oh.
-...into specific things

that I've never heard of.

And, uh, that's,
that's why I'm here.

The investments,
they eventually turned bad.

-Yeah.
-RANDY: Yeah.

Well, I can see
why that happened.

How much money did you lose
in these investments?

Uh... $17,000.

-Damn!
-RANDY: Yeah.

-$17,000.
-What?

-That's five digits.
That's a lot of money.
-MIKE: That's crazy.

It's a lot...
It's a lot for me especially.

Are you a scam artist?

No, sir, I'm a psychic,
a pet psychic.

Tell me about you.

Well, I...
I've always had this gift.

And the more I practice it,

the more I receive messages
from animals

from beyond the grave.

How can you tell the
dead animals apart

from other dead animals?

Or do the hamsters
give you something
that you know

what he's talking about
is true to him?

Well, pets have names,

so generally,
I focus on their name

and call them by their name,
and they come to me.

They want to be heard,
and I'm here to hear them,

and let people
on the corporeal plane

hear what they have to say.

It's not every day
that a pet tells me

that we should invest
in self-propelled

reverse osmosis
water filtration systems

to prepare
for the Armageddon.

She can't even say it.
[STAMMERS] She's a liar.

I'm not a scientist,
I'm a pet psychic!

-You're a liar.
-Hey!

[WHISPERING] Quiet.
Quiet in the court.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay?
Quiet in the court. Be nice.

You have a dead pet
you want to talk to?

Uh, maybe.

Maybe in a minute.

I'm right now dealing
with the present moment.

-Right.
-Okay.

I'm real, Your Honor.
I'm a real pet psychic.

What's your real pet place?

What's my real pet place?

You said a real pet place.

I'm a real pet psychic.

I really can hear
what pets are telling me
from beyond

-the grave, sir.
-When I was a teenager,

the drive-in movie
was a great pet place.

Oh!

-You get it?
-SHULIE: Yes, sir.
I prefer a bedroom.

Good one.

Okay, Randy,
I want you to tell me

about your relationship
with your hamster, please.

Uh... I mean, I told you
I loved my hamster.

We did everything together.

Um, we lived
a very parallel lifestyle.

-I knew that.
-Um...

-Quiet. Quiet!
-RANDY: 'Cause I told you that.

You asked me
questions about...

-Thank you. Thank you.
-Sorry.

But, you know,
my hamster and I,
we ate the same foods.

We ate Quiznos
together a lot.

And we loved that.

We would get two
extra-large sandwiches.

And, uh, looking back,

it was maybe what led
to his weight problem,

and he did have
a heart attack.

-What?
-Nothing.

Heart attack.

-Hamster had a heart attack?
-My hamster died
of a heart attack.

Did you used to go jogging
with your hamster

-or did you just run him
on the wheel?
-No. No, we...

Well, he didn't.

It was up to him,
and he chose not to exercise.

He was taking after you.
He didn't want to shame you.

See, you don't even know me,

and it's funny that
you're talking to me like...

Okay. We have personal feelings
coming to surface now.

-For sure.
-Yours and yours.

The personal feelings have
nothing to do with the death
of the hamster.

-Nothing to do with it.
-Yeah.

She's saying I'm fat
is what she's saying.

-No, I'm saying you're lazy.
-JUDGE GARY: She said
you're fat?

She just said that.

She says I'm lazy.

-He's lazy, sir.
-RANDY: Yeah.

Well, guess what rhymes
with lazy, crazy.

You're crazy.

You know what fat
stands for? F-A-T?

-Can't wait.
-Feeling Another Taco.

-Oh.
-Feeling Another Taco.

You eat tacos,

you might just as well be
taping the taco on your body.

-So, you're anti-tacos?
-"I eat a lot of tacos."

-What?
-You don't like tacos?

-No, I'm just saying
what fat means.
-Oh.

-Definition of fat.
-Okay.

[STAMMERS] I myself love
a cold cut sammy.

-Yeah.
-JUDGE GARY: But for
future reference,

hamsters eat mainly
grass, pellets and fruit.

-Yeah.
-They don't eat
that other stuff.

-RANDY: Sandwiches.
-That's not natural,

indigenous to their
digestive system.

-Quiznos.
-Bread is from a pellet.

It's...

-Shulie.
-Yes, sir.

JUDGE GARY: I ask you,

when did you find out,
when did you know that
you had psychic powers

-concerning small animals?
-SHULIE: Well...

As a girl, my brother
had a pet snake.

-Okay.
-And the pet snake
told me that

as a snake, he had a lisp,
and he was embarrassed of hiss

-in front of the other snakes.
-Hmm.

Is it the snake's embarrassment
or your embarrassment?

No, sir. I just read
what I hear.

-I don't place judgement
on an animal.
-Oh, I see. Okay.

They're their own beings.

Well, in that case,
I insist that you contact Red.

My dog Red,
I grew up with him,
he grew up with me.

Sir, that's not how it works.

-They come to me.
-What?

The animals come to me.

It's very difficult for me
to call out...

Well, I want you to open
your mind, your heart
and your psychic vision

to my pet dog named Red.

Please now. Please.

Okay. Um, I just...

I need a moment
to, um...

-Go ahead.
-...contact.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I think I hear it.

[HOWLING]

[IN DIFFERENT VOICE]
Hi, Gary, it's Red.

Did you have
a question for me?

[SCOFFS]

You have to ask him
a question now, Your Honor.

Red, how did you die?

Well, I died
when I ran away

and ate what I thought
was a brisket,

but instead I think
it was something

made of what people
call Nerf.

-Red.
-Yes, Gary.

Red, are you happy now?

I'm happy now.

-JUDGE GARY:
That's what counts.
-Thank you, Gary.

God bless you, Red.
I'll see you
in another lifetime.

But you're doing great,
and I'm glad to hear you.

-So, that's...
-Extraordinary is what it is.

That's the same voice
that she used for my hamster,
by the way.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What? I was using a voice?

They don't...
They never...
Well, all right.

Quiet.

Why do you think he ran away
and got hit by a truck?

-Was it something I did?
-SHULIE: Oh. Let me...

[HOWLING]

[IN DIFFERENT VOICE]
Did you have a question, Gary?

You wanted to know
how I got hit by a truck?

Well, it wasn't
your fault, Gary.

Even though I saw
what you did to yourself

in your bedroom after school,

I didn't run away
to get hit by a truck

'cause I loved you.

Okay, that's good enough for me.

Was it the car
or the brisket?

Hey, shut up.

-I thought we were friends.
-JUDGE GARY: Mike...

Mike, you're like
a son to me.

-You're like a great
granddad to me.
-I wanted to tell you

that I adore you,
I'm glad you're here.

You really help me
in every way.

-Thank you.
-Sometimes I get
harsh and bark,

but the bark
is with no teeth.

-Wow!
-So, there's no way
my bark can hurt you.

Wow!

It's like a dog barking
without any teeth.

Here's what
it sounds like...
[GRUNTS]

Wow.

Their lip flaps like...

You know, like a teenage fart.

Ask him
one more thing for me.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, sir, I'm sorry.

-He's gone.
-Can't get him back?

-Not right now.
-[WHISTLES] Red.
Come on, Red.

Come on. [HIGH-PITCHED CALLING]

Come on, Red.

He's simply not coming, sir.
I'm sorry.

Now, that is
a pretty amazing thing.

-I must commend you for that.
-Thank you.

-It's a true gift. I'm honored.
-JUDGE GARY: It's an honor
to have you speak.

Amazingly bad,

Red died in a hunting accident.

Wow!

And I'd never scar old Red

by having my way
with myself
in front of him.

-Impostor.
-That is a big sin.

-And the word sin, S-I-N...
-Oh.

...stands for
Self-Imposed Nonsense.

Pa-pow!

JUDGE GARY:
That's what a sin is.

I find for the plaintiff.

Dead pet justice.

[EXCLAIMING]

That's my signature
spiritual punctuation
notification

on a feeling certified
from the angels.

-I get my money back?
-What?

-I get my money back?
-You won.

No, you don't get
your money back.

[STAMMERS] I'm confused.

JUDGE GARY: You see,
the money is no issue here.

-Oh.
-The money's not an issue.

She's just in trouble?

-JUDGE GARY: No,
money's not an issue.
-RANDY: Oh.

Oh, well, you... You lose,
whatever that means.

I think you should
two go down...
This is an order.

You guys go down
to a hamster, gerbil store

and get two hamsters
and one gerbil

and get a big cage for them,

and put them all three
in that same cage.

Feed them properly,

and let them be happy
and multiply.

-Are they, like, ours?
-That will make you happy,

and you'll be
the grandparents

of little hamsters
and little gerbils.

It'll be fun.
You'll be reproducing.

-Is this official?-In a way, and that will qualify

as spiritual, or physical,
or emotional,

or a mental connection.

-You'll be free.
-Okay.

So, go with my applause,

be free of the world
you're in,

and go to the
hamster, gerbil store
and get that.

-That's what we have to do?
-That will start

a new feeling
between you two

that you haven't been able
to find yet.

Okay, pet justice.

Ho! Hi-yah!

Now, you may go...
You may go to the
hamster store.

-Let's go to the hamster store.
-Be nice with each other.

You can drive.
I'm not helping
pay for gas.

Don't say what you're
not going to do

until you don't do it.

Wise words.

JUDGE GARY: Yeah!

Ah, okay. Hi.

Um...

So, how do you feel
about the case?

Uh, I think ultimately,
I got sort of what I wanted.

Uh, he said that
she was a fraud,

and that's what
I was here to prove.

I also wanted some of
my money back,

but I don't know really
how the court system works.

That's the great part
about Gary Busey,

he does know how
the court system works.

Mmm. Uh, yeah.

Yeah. [CHUCKLING]

Okay. So, how do you think
you'll move forward in life?

How will you ever go on?

Gary, well...

Individually,
however I want.
None of your business.

And, uh, he also...

He told me to buy
two hamsters and one gerbil

with the pet psychic
and to share them,

so we did...

We did agree to do that.

Did you ask the pet psychic
if that was actually
gonna happen

'cause they would know, right?

She would know if...

Well, she's a fraud.
We proved that.

But she would know
if a pet was thinking that,

she wouldn't know
if that was gonna happen.

So, she would know
if a pet was thinking

you guys were gonna
buy the pet?

I don't know.

That's why she's
the pet psychic.
I get it.

Thank you very much
for your time.

Hi. Welcome.

Okay, you...
Okay, hi.

How was your case?

Um, it was good.

I don't need
to return the money

that the hamster insisted
Randy invest so I'm happy.

But I'm not a fraud.
I'm a real pet psychic.

Okay. Can you tell me
what I'm thinking?

Can I be your pet
and then, you tell...

Okay. Um...

So, how long have you known
that you're a pet psychic?

Since I was a little girl.

I heard my brother's
snake talking.

What if it was
your brother's snake
that was the psychic

and that's how they were
talking to you?

Well, I mean, we, sort of,
talked to each other.

He didn't seem to know
more about me

than I was saying.

He did, you know,
give me some advice
about school and stuff.

Okay. What are you
gonna do from here?

Well, the judge ruled
that I have to go buy
some pets with Randy so...

There's one thing
that we can agree on

-it's that the judge
rules, right?
-Yeah.

So, okay, thanks for coming
to the, uh, Pet Court.

Um, I'm Ian Abramson,

and this is
Gary Busey's Pet Court.

JUDGE GARY: Yay!

ANNOUNCER: She says their
pet goat belongs to her.

He says
he's the actual caregiver
and rightful owner.

Judge Gary
will pass a verdict
that can't be bleat.

All rise.

The honorable
Judge Gary Busey presiding.

I like the way the people
in the court are dressed.

You can go
anywhere you want
on my dime.

I'll give you a credit card,
you go to Denny's.

Anyway,
thank you for coming.

Be seated.

Denny's.

Okay, get up again.

I love to see you
get up. Get up.

Not this.
Not this again.

You feel little gases rumbling
in your lower plumbing?

Well, you will next time.
Have a seat.

Okay, plaintiff.

What is your story, honey?

Mark and I
are no longer together,

and I need custody
of our goat.

He's my goat.

-You?
-She paid for the goat,

but I, in fact, am the one
that raised the goat,

I took care of the goat.

She wasn't even home
to take care of the goat
at all.

I... I worked on my novel
with this goat, Your Honor.

Well, that's good news,
but paying for the goat
makes the goat hers.

Yes, she paid for the goat,
but she...

She doesn't even know
what kind of food
the goat eats.

It's my cold hard cash
that I paid for for this goat.

-This goat is mine
-It's your cold hard...

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

-You will not argue with her.
-I'm sorry, sir.

You'll feel the wrath
of a double-bladed paddle

on your naked ass.

Whoo!

-JUDGE GARY:
And I'm not kidding.
-Yes, sir.

Good.

She did pay for the animal.

Hard cash is 90% of the law.

What do you have to say
for yourself?

Your Honor, I love this goat.

We finish
each other's thoughts.

We know...
We know each other
backwards and forwards.

She doesn't even...
She won't even allow the goat

to come and sit up
on top of the couch.

Don't say that.
No, I love this goat.

-I lift the goat on my lap
when we watch...
-JUDGE GARY: Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it!

Stop raising your voice.

Raising and raising
your voice at each other
over the goat.

The goat is
a simple, innocent victim
of a human tragedy.

-Yes, Your Honor.
-The goat is in
a human tragedy

created by both of you.

-Yes.
-You've gotta think about

how the goat feels
about things.

How the goat feels about
where he lays down,

where he eats,
where he relieves himself.

Where he lays down,
the bed, the couch,
the kitchen, the bathtub.

Where does the goat
like to live?

Driveway.

Goat on the driveway.

[BURPS] Excuse me.

Yeah.

Okay. What is a, um...

What's the name
of the goat?

Vincent Van Goat.

I named him Vincent Van Goat.

[CHUCKLES]

I love that name.
Vincent Van Goat.

-Yeah?
-Is he missing an ear?

No. He was
very well taken care of.

He has both of his ears.

How does the goat
act towards you?

With affection, Your Honor.

In what way?
What kind of affection?

Familiar affection,

as two best friends
would act towards one another.

Are you still best friends?

The goat and I?

No, you...

-The two of us?
No, sir. No.
-No.

-Oh, you're not.
-Vincent Van Goat
is my goat,

and he loves me.

Oh.

Well, that's a blow
to the side-wax.

If it were true,
it would be, Your Honor.

What makes it not true, sir?

[STUTTERS] I can't emphasize
enough, Your Honor,

for the court,
she doesn't know
anything about this goat.

She spends no time
with this goat.

She... I don't have a job.
She works all the time

so she is the one
that winds up

not ever getting
to see the goat.

I spend...
I'm a stay-at-home parent

-for this goat.
-Quiet.

Tell me about your relationship
and where it went wrong.

MEIYEE:
Uh, we moved in together.

I found a great deal
on an apartment, a duplex.

And we do things
that, uh...

that couples that
don't get along do,

and we decided
to have a kid,

meaning Vincent Van Goat.

You mean the goat
is your child?

Basically, yes.

But you didn't
give birth to him.

No, but I paid for him
hence he his mine.

Well, you pay for babies
[STUTTERS] on Third Street,

and it's not really yours.

Money has nothing to do
with the loving,
heartfelt contact

and content you have
for something in your life now.

Something.
A goat in this case.

-MIKE: Want me to get the goat?
-JUDGE GARY: We need the goat.

Come... Get the goat
and bring it up to the table.

Let's see this Mr. Goat.

Come here, goat.
[TRILLS]

Goat. Goaty, goaty, goaty.

I talk goat.

[JUDGE GARY BLEATS]

Oh, you're so cute.

What a lovely goat!

I think we're good to goat.

Good to goat. Okay.

Goat, you have very damn
weird eyes, goat.

But I think that comes with

every goat's skull penetration
of the eye sockets

that cause the vision
of the goat
to go through you.

His vision can probably smell
your feet and your underwear.

But that's not for me to say.

Goat, who do you want
to live with?

Vincent?

Who do you want to live with?

He's looking at me.

Goat, look at me.

I'm penetrating your heart
with my eyes.

You can feel my eyes
coming into your goat heart.

Feel that.

Feel that.
Feel that stare.

It will not let you go, goat.

-MIKE: Your Honor.
-Yeah?

Did you get a read
from the goat?

I did get a read
from the goat.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
invoke the justice of Solomon.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-MEIYEE: What are you doing?

-Your Honor, no, no!
-No! No, no, no!

-No.
-She can have him.
She can have Vincent.

She can have what?

She can have
Vincent Van Goat,
Your Honor.

-Please don't cut him.
-No, don't...

Stop it!

Stop yelling your feelings
which no one cares about
anymore.

I'm sorry, Your Honor,
but please...

I cannot implore you enough.
Please don't kill...

-Please do not hurt him.
-He just said he's willing
to let...

The court has no choice.

The justice cutter
must taste flesh.

-No. I...
-No, no, no, sir. Please.

-Please do not.
-Sir, no, don't.

That way, you get
the half of the goat
you want,

and you get the half
of the goat you want.

Your Honor,
you cannot do that.
He can have the goat.

-This is a family member.
-Hey, hey, shut up!

Shut up!

Now, you speak
and you don't.
Go ahead.

If you're going to hurt him,
he can have the goat.

I don't need him that much.

Well, we'll use
Lidocaine and Novocain
on the goat's body.

-No pain.
-So, the goat
will not feel...

-I ask you, please...
-Please stop doing that, sir.

...the saw coming through.

You understand that?
The goat will not feel
the pain of his death.

I do not understand that.

I think he will feel pain.

I'm feeling pain.
I would just...

It's fine.
I don't need him.

Mark can have the goat.
It's... It's fine.

Please don't hurt him.

Sometimes you just
have to threaten
to take something away

that's precious

so they realize,
both of them,
what's important.

That's why I am the GOAT.

Greatest Of All Time.

Greatest Of All Time.

[JUDGE GARY GRUNTS]

I find for the
defendant victory.

Pet justice. [SCREECHES]

-Okay.
-Thank you, Your Honor.

JUDGE GARY: Court is adjourned.
Go home with your goat.

And make sure
you have visiting rights,

or I will come in
and make custody

for either one of you,
or the other one,
or none at all.

And that's why the goat
can live with me.

I have a huge yard.
I live in Texas on a ranch,

and you can come see
the goat any time.

And play chase...

Chase the...
Chase the ball
with the goat.

That's what...
That's a goat's
favorite game.

So, there you go.
I'm taking the goat

even though I ruled for you.

The ruling
is only transparent.

Because I know
what the goat loves.

And I love the goat

better than you two
can love the goat
put together.

You're not thinking
about the goat,
you're thinking about you.

Stop laughing or I'll plug
your butt with a tomato.

Tomato butt plug creates
all kinds of great sandwiches

you can eat
without ever knowing
what they are.

Okay.

Justice for the goat.

Pet justice for the goat.

[GRUNTING]

Okay.

I'll plug your butts

-with a tomato.
-With a tomato.

JUDGE GARY:
There's nothing more
for you to say or ask for.

Put the goat in my van.

Don't feel bad about
where the goat is going.

The good part is
you're not going
where the goat is going.

Isn't that fun?

-No, Your Honor.
-Just like teenagers dating.

They come and they go.

So have fun with your goat none.Dismissed.

Yeah. Go out
through the door there.

Follow the beautiful woman.

MARK: Well, now,
does that mean...

JUDGE GARY: Yeah!

Oh, uh, hi.

You guys, uh, just won
a court case, right?

No.

No. Neither of...
We don't...

We don't know.
Nobody...

He took the goat.

I guess he's taking it
to Texas with him.

The good news is
he's gonna be bigger there

because everything is.

So, I hope that
you guys feel good.

-Yeah, okay. I'm okay.
-Thank you.

Okay.

Uh, if you've...

Okay. Uh, if you've
got a problem,

yo, he'll solve it.

Uh, go to Gary Busey,
the pet judge, resolve it.

Can we go?

-What?
-Okay, thanks.

Justice!

I still wanna know
with a paw,

a [BLEATS]
or a swish of the head,

which person do you want
to live with, Vincent?

Goat, look at me.

MIKE: Did you get a read
on the goat?

-[BLEATS]
-[GAVEL THUDS]