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00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:51,215
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
2
00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:16,240
ELI (V.O.): Hello, my name isEli Pettifog. I'm 13 years old.
3
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,575
Today is my firstday of college.
4
00:01:18,577 --> 00:01:19,710
( CAR HORN HONKING )
5
00:01:19,712 --> 00:01:22,513
( CAR ENGINE STARTING )
6
00:01:29,321 --> 00:01:32,189
What you got in that bag, Eli?
Books?
7
00:01:32,191 --> 00:01:35,426
Don't they have a library
at that place?
8
00:01:37,296 --> 00:01:39,463
ELI (V.O.): She's aterrible mother...
9
00:01:39,465 --> 00:01:42,633
but it's not her faultthat I'm a genius.
10
00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:45,569
( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING )
11
00:01:45,571 --> 00:01:51,241
♪ Can you hear me comingFeel it all around
12
00:01:51,243 --> 00:01:56,780
♪ Feet are stompingOn the ground
13
00:01:56,782 --> 00:02:00,818
♪ It said something So familiar
14
00:02:03,222 --> 00:02:07,391
Please tell me this is a joke.
15
00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:13,564
I wanted to take you, but
I'm just so tired.
16
00:02:17,436 --> 00:02:21,105
Remember the electric bill is
the most important,
then the rent.
17
00:02:29,882 --> 00:02:35,119
Eli... make some friends
out there, okay?
18
00:02:45,664 --> 00:02:47,564
Bye, Mom. Later.
19
00:04:07,813 --> 00:04:09,746
DRIVER (O.S.): Beacon Falls,
Whittman College.
20
00:04:46,752 --> 00:04:50,387
ELI (V.O.): I welcome you toWhittman College...
21
00:04:50,389 --> 00:04:54,524
the 37th best, small, liberalarts college on the East Coast.
22
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,733
Lots of stuff to know.
23
00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:06,003
How about some exercise for
the lazy student?
24
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:13,043
ELI (V.O.): Some people go tocollege because they graduatefrom high school, like me.
25
00:05:13,045 --> 00:05:16,380
Others go and theyself-destruct, like this guy.
26
00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:18,282
Chi Gong.
27
00:05:21,353 --> 00:05:24,821
Badminton or squash?
28
00:05:27,626 --> 00:05:30,060
ELI (V.O.) He had a businessonce. He used tosell this stuff.
29
00:05:30,062 --> 00:05:35,732
To these people... and then hebailed in these things.
30
00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:42,306
Put your shuttlecock away.
It's squash.
31
00:05:53,085 --> 00:05:54,818
Here, let me get that for you.
32
00:05:54,820 --> 00:05:57,654
Give me my bag back. I'm Leo
Searly, late bloomer.
33
00:05:57,656 --> 00:06:01,425
I'm Eli Pettifog, child
prodigy, please can I
have my bag back?
34
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:02,526
You're a freshman?
35
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,493
Unfortunately.
36
00:06:03,495 --> 00:06:04,761
Me, too. What room you in?
37
00:06:04,763 --> 00:06:06,697
212, can I--
38
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:08,632
Oh, good, it's right here. I'm
right across the hall.
39
00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:15,672
Well, take care,
brush your hair.
40
00:06:15,674 --> 00:06:18,842
ELI (V.O.): I need the oldestundergraduate in theworld as a friend...
41
00:06:18,844 --> 00:06:21,912
like I need a hole in my head.
42
00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:25,649
And I don't need a hole in myhead, if that was what youwere wondering.
43
00:06:35,627 --> 00:06:36,827
Hey, want to get a burger?
44
00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:38,061
No.
45
00:06:38,063 --> 00:06:39,996
My treat.
46
00:06:39,998 --> 00:06:41,665
Thanks, but no.
47
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,600
Eli, it's your first
day of college...
48
00:06:43,602 --> 00:06:47,371
you're gonna have plenty of
time to sit alone and
hate yourself.
49
00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:49,539
Come on.
50
00:06:51,777 --> 00:06:53,710
( HORN HONKS )
51
00:07:11,663 --> 00:07:13,730
Wow, that's good.
52
00:07:13,732 --> 00:07:16,133
That is old-fashioned
American genius.
53
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:18,402
Have you noticed everything is
genius these days?
54
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,470
How can food be genius?
55
00:07:20,472 --> 00:07:22,639
Try the fries.
56
00:07:24,476 --> 00:07:28,412
That's good, it may be great,
but it's not genius.
57
00:07:29,815 --> 00:07:33,417
Hey, look at that townie girl.
58
00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:36,586
She's checking you out, man.
59
00:07:36,588 --> 00:07:38,422
See you later, Shauna.
60
00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:39,723
See you.
61
00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:45,729
Oh, that was a complete
meltdown of the man nerve.
62
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:47,631
I'm wearing my hair net.
63
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:52,769
Safety first. I hear you.
64
00:08:16,094 --> 00:08:18,962
I'm gonna go get us
some more beers.
65
00:08:18,964 --> 00:08:21,031
Nice, I'll just stay here.
66
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:38,849
I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.
67
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,651
I'm 'Milla, I have
not yet bloomed.
68
00:08:41,653 --> 00:08:43,587
Really? Uh-huh.
69
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:46,122
You look like you bloomed
to me all right.
70
00:08:49,261 --> 00:08:50,894
Are you Eli Pettifog?
71
00:08:50,896 --> 00:08:52,496
Yeah.
72
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:56,166
The 13-year-old freshman?
73
00:08:56,168 --> 00:09:01,872
Well, Eli, I want to have your
really, really smart baby.
74
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:06,776
What makes you think that nine
months in your womb won't make
the baby really, really stupid?
75
00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:11,214
Excuse me.
76
00:09:17,155 --> 00:09:18,622
Oh, jeez.
77
00:09:27,633 --> 00:09:29,866
You think your sperm is too
good for my girl or something?
78
00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:31,201
No.
79
00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:32,936
Ow, put me down! Put me down!
80
00:09:32,938 --> 00:09:35,872
Why do you do this shit?
Because I'm a dick!
81
00:09:35,874 --> 00:09:37,574
Say my sperm is not
worthy of Eve Hanson.
82
00:09:37,576 --> 00:09:39,843
Who's Eve Hanson?
My girlfriend!
83
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:42,879
You know, the one you were just
hitting on? She's out of
your league, pal.
84
00:09:42,881 --> 00:09:44,948
Yeah, I know she's out of my
league. I don't
even like girls.
85
00:09:44,950 --> 00:09:46,316
Somebody's fibbing.
86
00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:47,551
Oh, god.
87
00:09:49,855 --> 00:09:51,221
What's it like down there?
88
00:09:51,223 --> 00:09:53,156
Awesome, I've been there a
thousand times.
89
00:09:53,158 --> 00:09:57,561
Yeah, I'll bet you have.
90
00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:59,596
Say my sperm is not
worthy of Eve Hanson.
91
00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:02,232
Hold on, I can't hear you, my
ears are blocked.
92
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:07,070
Have some Ebola, asshole!
93
00:10:12,177 --> 00:10:15,679
I'm gonna make this the worst
year of your shitty,
little life.
94
00:10:15,681 --> 00:10:17,113
So, we're enemies?
95
00:10:17,115 --> 00:10:22,586
Mortal enemies. Let's
drink to it.
96
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:30,827
Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.
97
00:10:30,829 --> 00:10:33,663
Remember, I bought
the first round.
98
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:39,636
Yeah.
99
00:10:56,088 --> 00:10:57,153
Oh, my god.
100
00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:15,372
Oh, god.
101
00:11:21,747 --> 00:11:23,980
I don't feel so good.
102
00:11:23,982 --> 00:11:26,116
Really?
103
00:11:29,788 --> 00:11:31,421
SEARLY (O.S.): Perfect timing.
104
00:11:45,270 --> 00:11:48,304
Thanks.
105
00:11:53,945 --> 00:11:58,882
Something I want to tell you.
106
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,050
What?
107
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:01,951
Come closer.
108
00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:11,428
You can come closer.
109
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:19,069
I'm a genius!
110
00:12:21,306 --> 00:12:24,407
I remember my first beer, too.
Yeah.
111
00:12:24,409 --> 00:12:31,081
Ever since I was a little baby,
all I ever wanted to do
was go to Harvard.
112
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,950
My spiritual home.
113
00:12:33,952 --> 00:12:39,189
So, without really trying, I
skipped five grades.
114
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:45,729
Won all the science fairs,
got my MENSA card.
115
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:49,099
You know what happened?
116
00:12:51,002 --> 00:12:52,902
Harvard rejected me.
117
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:57,774
They don't want me.
118
00:12:57,776 --> 00:13:00,276
Well, then, screw them.
119
00:13:00,278 --> 00:13:06,316
You don't understand. It just
killed me, you know?
120
00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:16,025
You want to know the most awful
and humiliating part of the
whole, entire story?
121
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:20,997
You still love the bitch.
122
00:13:20,999 --> 00:13:24,167
Yeah. How'd you know?
123
00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:33,877
All right, if you're gonna puke
again, close one eye, you'll
have better aim.
124
00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:35,512
Don't leave.
125
00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:38,314
If the room starts to spin, you
put one foot on the floor.
126
00:13:38,316 --> 00:13:41,918
Yeah. Leo? Leo?
127
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,853
Goodnight. No, Leo, just--
128
00:13:43,855 --> 00:13:46,222
You're all right.
Hang in there.
129
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:02,005
Never mind.
130
00:14:16,254 --> 00:14:17,554
I'm here for my job.
131
00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:20,523
All right, dear, check in
down the hall.
132
00:14:46,484 --> 00:14:49,485
Shit.
133
00:15:22,053 --> 00:15:24,153
Harvard's coming?
134
00:15:24,155 --> 00:15:27,257
Good evening, and welcome to
Collegiate Mastermind.
135
00:15:29,227 --> 00:15:31,661
The varsity sport of the mind.
136
00:15:31,663 --> 00:15:38,468
Tonight's two contestants are
the Whittman Warring Hares...
137
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:42,205
versus the Harvard
Crimson squad.
138
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:50,213
First question is a toss-up
worth ten points.
139
00:15:50,215 --> 00:15:56,185
The first question, that should
be the first one on the stack.
140
00:15:56,187 --> 00:16:00,924
Okay, how far can the
Queen Mary 2...
141
00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:04,627
travel on one gallon of...
diesel.
142
00:16:04,629 --> 00:16:06,329
Whittman Warring Hares.
143
00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:09,499
We forfeit.
144
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:10,700
Incorrect.
145
00:16:10,702 --> 00:16:12,702
No, I mean we forfeit.
146
00:16:12,704 --> 00:16:14,237
You can't forfeit.
147
00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:18,441
We haven't won a
match since 1971.
148
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,313
Oh. Harvard to steal.
149
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:25,715
Six inches.
150
00:16:27,118 --> 00:16:29,585
Six inches is correct.
151
00:16:29,587 --> 00:16:32,555
Yes!
152
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:40,663
Caution, Harvard at this
time for showboating.
153
00:16:44,302 --> 00:16:47,003
Man, if I were on the
Whittman team...
154
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:52,275
my dad would send me into the
woods to find the perfect piece
of birch to split my ass with.
155
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,677
Hey, there's the little dude.
156
00:16:57,615 --> 00:16:59,716
Thanks for the support, little
dude. What's your name?
157
00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:00,984
Eli.
158
00:17:00,986 --> 00:17:03,019
You the man, Eli.
159
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:06,489
How old are you?
160
00:17:06,491 --> 00:17:07,757
13.
161
00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:10,760
Uh-oh, he's a genius.
162
00:17:10,762 --> 00:17:13,563
Yeah.
163
00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:16,099
Yeah, you are.
164
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:22,438
13, walking around Harvard with
hair like that? That's bad ass.
165
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,475
You want a ride back to campus?
166
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:26,609
To Boston?
167
00:17:26,611 --> 00:17:28,611
Yeah, let's roll.
168
00:17:33,418 --> 00:17:39,722
Yo, Eli, get in... or we
aren't gonna haze you.
169
00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:41,024
I can't.
170
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:44,527
Why not?
171
00:17:44,529 --> 00:17:47,363
Because I don't go to Harvard.
172
00:17:47,365 --> 00:17:52,702
I'm a freshman here at
Whittman... but my soul
belongs to Harvard.
173
00:17:52,704 --> 00:18:01,177
Don't worry about it, the
important thing is we part
company like men.
174
00:18:01,179 --> 00:18:03,679
Listen to me, you little freak.
Ow, oh, my god.
175
00:18:03,681 --> 00:18:08,618
Harvard doesn't want your soul.
Your soul is cheap, and
it's mediocre.
176
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:10,486
Ow, stop. It's a Whittman soul.
177
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,503
But they went on to win that
year. How does that
help us right now?
178
00:19:00,505 --> 00:19:02,605
I'm just saying you should
learn, you know, perseverance.
179
00:19:02,607 --> 00:19:06,242
Alan, if you didn't know the
answer, why did you buzz?
180
00:19:06,244 --> 00:19:08,111
Because--
181
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,246
You can't do that. If you
don't know, don't buzz.
182
00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:11,447
Hey.
183
00:19:13,118 --> 00:19:16,385
My name is Eli Pettifog.
184
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:25,695
This is Leo Searly's last
chance at a classy future.
185
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:33,269
He's not afraid to gamble it
all on a hole and a ball.
186
00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:37,240
Hits the putt.
187
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:41,410
Oh, it's on the lip. No, no,
no, it's rolling in.
It's rolling in.
188
00:19:41,412 --> 00:19:42,879
Oh, yes!
189
00:19:42,881 --> 00:19:48,251
Leo Searly takes home
$100 million-- Hey.
190
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:49,452
Hey, how are you?
191
00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:50,753
Can I tell you something
super important?
192
00:19:50,755 --> 00:19:52,688
Okay. As long as it's not
teenage stuff.
193
00:19:52,690 --> 00:19:54,390
Don't worry. This is as
grown up as it gets.
194
00:19:54,392 --> 00:19:56,626
All right.
195
00:19:56,628 --> 00:20:00,196
First, I now hate Harvard with
the fanatical rage of a
freedom fighter.
196
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:02,698
That sounds pretty
teenage to me.
197
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:05,301
And I've sworn my life to
its destruction.
198
00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:07,303
The entire university?
199
00:20:07,305 --> 00:20:10,506
No, just the college,
I'm only one man.
200
00:20:10,508 --> 00:20:15,678
Second, I'm now the new captain
of the Whittman Warring Hares
Collegiate Mastermind Team.
201
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:20,550
Oh, I loved that game as a kid.
That's the one with the pegs.
202
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,885
Like the little colored pegs,
then you get a combination--
203
00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:26,322
No, it's a quiz show in which
two colleges compete...
204
00:20:26,324 --> 00:20:29,525
to see which one is smart and
which one is dumb.
205
00:20:29,527 --> 00:20:32,295
It's like the show Jeopardy,
with no money.
206
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:34,297
No money?
207
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:38,334
Forget the money, Leo. I found
the instrument of my revenge.
208
00:20:50,448 --> 00:20:52,782
What makes him think he can
walk in here and say...
209
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:54,617
"I'm Eli Pettifog and I'm
your new captain?"
210
00:20:54,619 --> 00:20:58,754
Because none of us walked in
and said I'm your new captain.
211
00:20:58,756 --> 00:21:02,592
The first four digits
of pi are 3.141.
212
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,727
What is the billionth
digit of pi?
213
00:21:06,364 --> 00:21:07,496
Nine.
214
00:21:07,498 --> 00:21:08,664
MODERATOR (O.S.):
Right you are.
215
00:21:08,666 --> 00:21:09,699
Dude.
216
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:14,937
Here's your bonus.
217
00:21:14,939 --> 00:21:16,973
Assuming Rudolph
was in front...
218
00:21:16,975 --> 00:21:20,876
how many ways are there to
arrange the other
eight reindeer?
219
00:21:20,878 --> 00:21:23,746
40,320.
220
00:21:23,748 --> 00:21:25,848
Right you are. You're fast,
kid.
221
00:21:26,951 --> 00:21:28,684
Dude! Captain.
222
00:21:28,686 --> 00:21:32,955
Shit, dude, viral
pandemic sick! Or not.
223
00:21:54,012 --> 00:21:56,579
Ssh, I'm trying to study.
224
00:22:13,064 --> 00:22:15,398
You should have a package
for Eli Pettifog.
225
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:20,870
Pettifog, okay.
P-E-T-T-I-F-O-G?
226
00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:21,971
Yeah.
227
00:22:21,973 --> 00:22:25,641
Weird name. What's it mean?
228
00:22:25,643 --> 00:22:30,846
Okay, here we go. Pettifog
means you bicker
over everything.
229
00:22:30,848 --> 00:22:33,416
That's ridiculous.
230
00:22:33,418 --> 00:22:39,055
Second definition, to practice
deception or trickery.
231
00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:41,791
Do you have a package
for me or not?
232
00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:46,862
There's no package for you,
Pettifog. No lying or
complaining.
233
00:22:46,864 --> 00:22:47,897
Okay.
234
00:22:50,034 --> 00:22:51,901
Hey. Can I use your phone?
235
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:54,370
Yeah, sure.
236
00:23:03,514 --> 00:23:04,747
It's private.
237
00:23:04,749 --> 00:23:06,882
I understand.
238
00:23:11,356 --> 00:23:17,059
SHEILA (O.S.) Hey, if you wantto party, leave a message.All right, whatever.
239
00:23:17,061 --> 00:23:22,798
Hey, Mom, I'm calling to remind
you you forgot my
birthday again.
240
00:23:25,370 --> 00:23:26,469
It's your birthday?
241
00:23:26,471 --> 00:23:28,771
Yeah. Big 1-4.
242
00:23:28,773 --> 00:23:34,577
Hang on.
243
00:23:38,683 --> 00:23:40,049
Faster.
244
00:23:40,051 --> 00:23:42,818
Okay.
245
00:23:42,820 --> 00:23:44,053
Whoo!
246
00:23:44,055 --> 00:23:45,521
Faster.
247
00:23:46,391 --> 00:23:47,890
Faster?
248
00:23:47,892 --> 00:23:51,060
Yeah!
249
00:23:52,096 --> 00:23:53,929
SEARLY (O.S.): Whoo!
250
00:23:53,931 --> 00:23:55,931
ELI (O.S.): Faster.
251
00:23:55,933 --> 00:23:57,466
Whoo!
252
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:05,975
Thanks, Leo, that
was really fun.
253
00:24:05,977 --> 00:24:09,111
Well, happy birthday, Eli.
254
00:24:11,182 --> 00:24:13,048
Leo! SEARLY (O.S.): Yo!
255
00:24:13,050 --> 00:24:15,851
Faster!
256
00:24:36,974 --> 00:24:38,607
What's wrong with this thing?
257
00:24:38,609 --> 00:24:42,912
Hey, fuzzy, that's my
favorite machine.
258
00:24:42,914 --> 00:24:45,080
Hi.
259
00:24:45,082 --> 00:24:46,449
Happy birthday.
260
00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:47,817
Thanks.
261
00:24:47,819 --> 00:24:49,618
I wish I could go to Whittman.
262
00:24:49,620 --> 00:24:52,555
There's no Mall Studies
major at Whittman.
263
00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:57,993
I'm not a mall girl. I only
shop at the most
exclusive boutiques.
264
00:24:57,995 --> 00:24:59,128
Mm-hm.
265
00:25:01,799 --> 00:25:03,532
You want to shotgun?
266
00:25:03,534 --> 00:25:05,801
What's a shotgun?
267
00:25:05,803 --> 00:25:10,639
Let me show you. Okay.
268
00:25:18,015 --> 00:25:21,684
I know you have a thing for me.
269
00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:25,488
What are you gonna do about it?
270
00:25:25,490 --> 00:25:26,989
What are you talking about?
271
00:25:26,991 --> 00:25:31,660
I see you checking out my
boyish curves.
272
00:25:31,662 --> 00:25:34,864
Come, lay down with me.
273
00:25:43,107 --> 00:25:45,508
SHAUNA (O.S.): You want
to know a secret?
274
00:25:45,510 --> 00:25:47,276
ELI (O.S.): Okay.
275
00:25:47,278 --> 00:25:50,012
I never kissed anyone.
276
00:25:51,816 --> 00:25:55,184
So what? Neither have I.
277
00:25:55,186 --> 00:26:00,055
I'm worried I might suck at it.
278
00:26:00,057 --> 00:26:03,859
How hard can it be?
279
00:26:03,861 --> 00:26:06,729
Kissing is too
important to be easy.
280
00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:17,239
Not my lip.
281
00:26:17,241 --> 00:26:19,108
Well, stop squirming.
282
00:26:19,110 --> 00:26:23,546
Are you supposed to be drooling
directly into my mouth?
283
00:26:31,889 --> 00:26:36,191
Toss up. Which states, in order
of entry into the union...
284
00:26:36,193 --> 00:26:42,331
is Bruce "The Boss"
Springsteen not from?
285
00:26:42,333 --> 00:26:44,066
Whittman?
286
00:26:44,068 --> 00:26:48,671
Delaware, Pennsylvania,
Georgia, Connecticut...
287
00:26:48,673 --> 00:26:54,243
Massachusetts, Maryland, South
Carolina, New Hampshire,
Virginia, New York...
288
00:26:54,245 --> 00:26:56,679
North Carolina, Rhode Island,
Vermont, Kentucky, uh...
289
00:26:59,050 --> 00:27:00,983
Keep going.
290
00:27:00,985 --> 00:27:07,056
Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana,
Indiana, Mississippi,
Illinois...
291
00:27:07,058 --> 00:27:14,029
Alabama, Maine, Missouri,
Arkansas, Michigan, Florida,
Texas, Iowa...
292
00:27:14,031 --> 00:27:17,333
Wisconsin, California,
Minnesota...
293
00:27:17,335 --> 00:27:19,301
15 seconds.
294
00:27:19,303 --> 00:27:23,772
Um, not Oregon, Kansas, West
Virginia, Nevada...
295
00:27:23,774 --> 00:27:26,275
Nebraska, Colorado, North
Dakota, South Dakota.
296
00:27:26,277 --> 00:27:27,910
Do it, weirdo!
297
00:27:27,912 --> 00:27:30,112
STUDENT (O.S.): Yeah, do it.
298
00:27:30,114 --> 00:27:37,052
Montana, Washington, Idaho,
Wyoming, Utah, New Mexico,
Arizona, Alaska, nor Hawaii.
299
00:27:39,023 --> 00:27:40,723
By god, he's done it.
300
00:27:43,327 --> 00:27:48,030
Nice. Very nice.
301
00:27:48,032 --> 00:27:53,669
In-frigging-conceivable.
Frigging magnificent.
302
00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:57,006
Frigging, frigging. I want a
piece of your action.
303
00:27:57,008 --> 00:27:58,307
You can't have any
of my action.
304
00:27:58,309 --> 00:28:00,376
Do you even know what
your action is?
305
00:28:00,378 --> 00:28:02,778
You're the one who started
talking about my action.
306
00:28:02,780 --> 00:28:08,951
Your action is blowing people
away with your genius, and
your bizarre charisma.
307
00:28:08,953 --> 00:28:13,188
You're a college star
in the making.
308
00:28:13,190 --> 00:28:17,292
My quest is private, Leo, it's
not for other people.
309
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:22,031
Do you think I should
start a blog?
310
00:29:14,452 --> 00:29:16,085
Whoa.
311
00:29:19,457 --> 00:29:20,756
Nice try, Leo.
312
00:29:20,758 --> 00:29:22,057
Mm?
313
00:29:22,059 --> 00:29:24,426
This jacket is from
sweatshop city.
314
00:29:24,428 --> 00:29:28,230
What are you talking about? It
was stitched in Beacon Falls,
USA.
315
00:29:28,232 --> 00:29:30,232
Makes me look like I have
old-man shoulders.
316
00:29:30,234 --> 00:29:32,901
Man shoulders are a perk.
317
00:29:32,903 --> 00:29:37,806
Oh. Then how come the
waist is so tight?
318
00:29:37,808 --> 00:29:45,180
What are you talking about?
It's form-fitting. Flatters
the silhouette.
319
00:29:45,182 --> 00:29:49,284
Oh. Well, what
about the collar?
320
00:29:49,286 --> 00:29:52,254
The jacket's perfect, Eli.
321
00:29:52,256 --> 00:29:54,089
You promise?
322
00:29:54,091 --> 00:29:55,357
Yeah.
323
00:29:57,762 --> 00:29:59,428
Must be why I love it so much.
324
00:30:23,287 --> 00:30:25,821
Excuse me, hello, thank you
very much. I hope you all
enjoy your lunch.
325
00:30:25,823 --> 00:30:29,825
Today we're offering
$1,000 to anyone...
326
00:30:29,827 --> 00:30:34,930
who can stump the Whittman
Warring Hares Collegiate
Mastermind squad.
327
00:30:34,932 --> 00:30:36,431
Perky girl.
328
00:30:36,433 --> 00:30:39,868
Okay, why does he have pubic
hair on his head?
329
00:30:39,870 --> 00:30:43,238
Not the sort of question we're
looking for. Next!
330
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,274
But the people want to know.
Don't you want to know?
331
00:30:45,276 --> 00:30:47,810
Yeah.
332
00:30:47,812 --> 00:30:52,047
Okay, the people want to know,
why does your hair look like
"down there" hair?
333
00:30:52,049 --> 00:30:54,283
That's a great question.
334
00:30:54,285 --> 00:30:57,986
My hair resembles pubic hair,
because it is designed to
protect my brain.
335
00:30:57,988 --> 00:31:00,322
Protect your brain from what?
336
00:31:00,324 --> 00:31:02,124
From stupidity.
337
00:31:04,461 --> 00:31:06,094
You calling me stupid?
338
00:31:06,096 --> 00:31:09,164
Mm, mm-mm. They're
calling you stupid.
339
00:31:09,166 --> 00:31:10,465
What about you?
340
00:31:10,467 --> 00:31:12,434
I'm calling you stupid, too.
341
00:31:12,436 --> 00:31:14,236
Ouch.
342
00:31:14,238 --> 00:31:19,341
Yeah? Who will be stupid when
I'm eating your brain,
Pettifog?
343
00:31:19,343 --> 00:31:22,544
Grilled... with sea salt.
344
00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:26,081
You're gonna grill my brain?
345
00:31:26,083 --> 00:31:27,516
He's gonna grill your brain.
346
00:31:33,057 --> 00:31:37,159
Cave man, you can't
even start a fire.
347
00:31:38,863 --> 00:31:40,095
I'll rub your bones together.
348
00:31:40,097 --> 00:31:41,396
Name one bone.
349
00:31:41,398 --> 00:31:42,598
Your skull bone!
350
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,067
All right, kids, come on,
calm down.
351
00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:48,103
Thank you very much. Don't
forget to come and see
the Warring Hares.
352
00:31:48,105 --> 00:31:50,072
I could take him. Put me down.
Bus your tables.
353
00:31:55,479 --> 00:31:58,380
I want to thank you for
benching me. I never felt so
confident in my life.
354
00:31:58,382 --> 00:32:03,352
Hey, what are friends for?
355
00:32:03,354 --> 00:32:05,220
Hey, sexy genius.
356
00:32:05,222 --> 00:32:07,055
Hey, sexy lady, what's up?
357
00:32:07,057 --> 00:32:09,458
She's not talking to you. What
are you talking about?
358
00:32:09,460 --> 00:32:13,662
Hey, you teach me,
I'll teach you.
359
00:32:13,664 --> 00:32:17,132
A little quid pro blow, as they
say in modern Latin.
360
00:32:21,338 --> 00:32:25,040
See you at Vassar. Bye, boys.
361
00:32:25,042 --> 00:32:26,642
It's quid pro quo.
362
00:32:26,644 --> 00:32:29,478
In Collegiate Mastermind, it
might be quid pro quo...
363
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:33,415
but in the game of life, her
interpretation is right on
the sticky bun.
364
00:32:33,417 --> 00:32:36,151
You're so cool, I think I'm
gonna call you the fog.
365
00:32:36,153 --> 00:32:38,353
Please, don't call me the fog.
That makes me sound dense.
366
00:32:38,355 --> 00:32:39,922
Sorry.
367
00:32:39,924 --> 00:32:41,356
Hey, baby.
368
00:32:41,358 --> 00:32:42,557
Hi, Gertrude.
369
00:32:42,559 --> 00:32:44,459
Hi, ladies. Where's Leo? Hey,
Gertrude.
370
00:32:44,461 --> 00:32:45,627
( STYLIZED HORN HONKS )
371
00:32:45,629 --> 00:32:47,963
Ha-ha, looks like
we got a ride.
372
00:32:47,965 --> 00:32:51,233
Nice. Yes, the van.
373
00:32:51,235 --> 00:32:53,502
So sweet. Oh, my god,
this is awesome.
374
00:32:53,504 --> 00:32:55,604
Neat, so cool. Fluffy and soft.
375
00:32:55,606 --> 00:32:57,372
Do you have a bed in this
thing? I like this car.
376
00:32:57,374 --> 00:33:00,676
Nice, isn't it? Feels kind of
like a land couch.
377
00:33:00,678 --> 00:33:03,078
Hey, Leo, guess what? Eli
has a groupie.
378
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:04,546
Shut up, Romeo. Jesus.
379
00:33:04,548 --> 00:33:06,348
What's her name? Eve Hanson,
she's a senior.
380
00:33:06,350 --> 00:33:08,150
She cute?
381
00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:10,953
She looks like Gertrude, if you
gave her blonde hair and money.
382
00:33:10,955 --> 00:33:17,693
Romeo, the only groupie you're
ever gonna have is your hand.
383
00:33:17,695 --> 00:33:18,727
That really hurt.
384
00:33:18,729 --> 00:33:19,728
Good.
385
00:33:19,730 --> 00:33:21,096
Buckle up, kids!
386
00:33:32,476 --> 00:33:35,344
Rhinotillexomania is
compulsive nose picking.
387
00:33:35,346 --> 00:33:37,479
Gynecomastia means man boobs.
388
00:33:37,481 --> 00:33:39,514
The naked mole rat is
immune to cancer.
389
00:33:39,516 --> 00:33:41,316
Whittman College has
won the match.
390
00:33:44,722 --> 00:33:49,191
And for the match, what
syndrome does pop star Lily
Allen have? Whittman.
391
00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:53,095
The super numerary nipple
syndrome, the triple nipple.
392
00:33:53,097 --> 00:33:54,096
Correct!
393
00:33:56,633 --> 00:33:59,568
Abalone is not a mollusk, but a
large marine snail.
394
00:33:59,570 --> 00:34:00,602
That's correct. Match goes to
Whittman College.
395
00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:07,376
The aquatic scrotum resides
primarily in Lake Titicaca.
396
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:08,643
Whittman wins!
397
00:34:08,645 --> 00:34:10,045
Yes!
398
00:34:11,415 --> 00:34:12,481
( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING )
399
00:34:12,483 --> 00:34:14,483
Out of beer!
400
00:34:15,753 --> 00:34:18,420
Warriors!
401
00:34:31,301 --> 00:34:33,368
Safety first, safety first.
402
00:35:23,620 --> 00:35:24,753
Oh, my god!
403
00:35:24,755 --> 00:35:26,188
Hi.
404
00:35:26,190 --> 00:35:27,622
Can you please stay
away from me?
405
00:35:29,493 --> 00:35:32,561
Don't worry, Laird never
comes to the library.
406
00:35:32,563 --> 00:35:34,429
I find you fascinating.
407
00:35:34,431 --> 00:35:36,231
No, you don't.
408
00:35:36,233 --> 00:35:38,567
And dangerous.
409
00:35:40,737 --> 00:35:42,671
I'm very safe.
410
00:35:44,341 --> 00:35:45,674
Do I scare you?
411
00:35:45,676 --> 00:35:48,577
Yes, very much.
412
00:35:48,579 --> 00:35:55,650
Well, just try to look past my
breasts and everything else,
and see the real me.
413
00:35:55,652 --> 00:36:00,288
Look past your breasts? I can't
even look at them.
414
00:36:00,290 --> 00:36:04,826
Just-- right-- do you need...
415
00:36:04,828 --> 00:36:05,861
I'm not gonna look at them.
416
00:36:10,300 --> 00:36:12,334
ALAN (O.S.): Don't worry,
Romeo, we can beat Yale.
417
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:13,869
It's not that.
418
00:36:13,871 --> 00:36:15,504
Well, what is it?
419
00:36:15,506 --> 00:36:17,639
My brother goes to Yale.
420
00:36:17,641 --> 00:36:19,374
Oh, really, that's a bummer.
421
00:36:19,376 --> 00:36:22,344
It's only because he is an
author and a Puerto Rican.
422
00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:26,414
I did not get into Yale,
because my mighty mas macho
terrifies the white man...
423
00:36:26,416 --> 00:36:28,550
until his balls are
like raisins.
424
00:36:28,552 --> 00:36:31,786
But it still hurts, you know?
425
00:36:31,788 --> 00:36:33,889
Every night it still hurts.
426
00:36:33,891 --> 00:36:39,427
So you have a smarter brother?
Is he better looking, too?
427
00:36:39,429 --> 00:36:42,464
Yeah, but only a little bit.
428
00:36:44,935 --> 00:36:52,941
Eli, can you dedicate this one
to Romeo? He's really
hurting back here.
429
00:36:52,943 --> 00:36:56,444
Sure. This one's for you,
big guy.
430
00:37:04,354 --> 00:37:08,256
Good evening, and welcome to
the Yale Bulldogs...
431
00:37:08,258 --> 00:37:13,929
versus the Whittman
Warring Hares.
432
00:37:13,931 --> 00:37:16,965
First question is a toss up
for ten points.
433
00:37:16,967 --> 00:37:20,902
How many names are listed on
the Vietnam War Memorial?
434
00:37:20,904 --> 00:37:23,238
58,652.
435
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:25,840
Wrong, Whittman for the steal?
436
00:37:25,842 --> 00:37:28,476
58,256.
437
00:37:28,478 --> 00:37:32,414
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Whittman.
438
00:37:32,416 --> 00:37:36,985
The memorial is built from
black granite. Where does this
granite come from?
439
00:37:36,987 --> 00:37:38,520
Bangalore, India.
440
00:37:38,522 --> 00:37:41,823
Right again. Toss up.
441
00:37:41,825 --> 00:37:45,694
Who invented the roulette
wheel and why?
442
00:37:45,696 --> 00:37:47,996
French philosopher...
443
00:37:47,998 --> 00:37:51,566
mathematician Blaise Pascal
invented roulette for perpetual
motion experiments.
444
00:37:51,568 --> 00:37:55,337
That is oh, so right.
Bonus to Yale.
445
00:37:55,339 --> 00:37:59,808
Why is roulette called
the Devil's Game?
446
00:37:59,810 --> 00:38:02,644
Because all the numbers on the
wheel add up to 666.
447
00:38:02,646 --> 00:38:03,678
Correct.
448
00:38:05,549 --> 00:38:06,982
Huddle up. What?
449
00:38:06,984 --> 00:38:08,883
I'm not kidding. What's up?
450
00:38:08,885 --> 00:38:11,386
Some girls know about roulette,
other girls know
about the devil...
451
00:38:11,388 --> 00:38:12,754
but no girl knows about both.
452
00:38:12,756 --> 00:38:15,624
Especially not girls like that.
She's cheating.
453
00:38:15,626 --> 00:38:17,626
How do you know?
454
00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:20,262
Check out the receiver, it's
hidden, it's right there.
455
00:38:20,264 --> 00:38:22,464
Yeah, I see it. Somebody's
feeding her the answers.
456
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:24,733
I bet she cheated to get
into Yale, too.
457
00:38:24,735 --> 00:38:27,535
I bet she took your spot.
458
00:38:27,537 --> 00:38:30,338
Whittman, break your huddle.
459
00:38:30,340 --> 00:38:34,609
All right, guys, here's your
choice. We can beat them fair
and square. I promise we can.
460
00:38:34,611 --> 00:38:40,815
Or, we could put an eternal
stain on their lives. It's your
call. Yale's your white whale.
461
00:38:40,817 --> 00:38:42,717
Eternal stain.
462
00:38:42,719 --> 00:38:43,952
All right, just be cool.
463
00:38:43,954 --> 00:38:45,020
I can't be cool.
464
00:38:45,022 --> 00:38:47,422
Oh, god.
465
00:38:48,792 --> 00:38:51,059
My earring.
466
00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:57,732
Whoo!
467
00:38:57,734 --> 00:38:59,467
Daniel, my brother, Turran.
468
00:39:01,872 --> 00:39:08,910
My country tis of thee,
sweet land of liberty.
469
00:39:08,912 --> 00:39:13,348
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
470
00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:24,759
I know you saw that sign.
471
00:39:24,761 --> 00:39:27,762
Yeah, I saw it.
472
00:40:16,847 --> 00:40:21,716
Here we are at Harvard...
smartest place on Earth.
473
00:40:25,689 --> 00:40:28,056
This is the freshman dorm
madam's house.
474
00:40:28,058 --> 00:40:31,059
Some of the rooms
have fireplaces.
475
00:40:31,061 --> 00:40:33,094
Get over it.
476
00:40:37,534 --> 00:40:39,033
What are you doing?
477
00:40:39,035 --> 00:40:42,837
What does it look
like I'm doing?
478
00:41:18,442 --> 00:41:22,010
What's the high score
in this machine?
479
00:41:22,012 --> 00:41:26,781
I'm wearing
watermelon lip gloss.
480
00:41:32,989 --> 00:41:34,722
The flavor is disappearing, can
you put on some more?
481
00:41:34,724 --> 00:41:36,224
I have cherry, too.
482
00:41:36,226 --> 00:41:39,627
No, this is the one. This is
definitely the one.
483
00:41:49,072 --> 00:41:50,872
You're a really good kisser,
Eli.
484
00:41:50,874 --> 00:41:53,007
Thanks.
485
00:41:53,009 --> 00:41:58,213
We can't do this all day...
unless it leads somewhere else.
486
00:41:58,215 --> 00:41:59,914
Like where?
487
00:41:59,916 --> 00:42:02,617
Like my neck.
488
00:42:02,619 --> 00:42:04,118
What about your neck?
489
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:06,054
Kiss it.
490
00:42:06,056 --> 00:42:08,022
Okay.
491
00:42:16,967 --> 00:42:19,033
That feels so good.
492
00:42:20,871 --> 00:42:23,104
Now the other side.
493
00:42:23,106 --> 00:42:24,672
You mean-- okay.
494
00:42:38,154 --> 00:42:39,954
Eli.
495
00:42:39,956 --> 00:42:41,890
Yeah?
496
00:42:41,892 --> 00:42:43,258
Do you have a roommate?
497
00:42:43,260 --> 00:42:45,793
No.
498
00:42:45,795 --> 00:42:47,795
You should invite me over.
499
00:42:47,797 --> 00:42:54,168
You know, me being on campus
might make me into a
crazy woman.
500
00:43:00,310 --> 00:43:05,280
Did you know that every time
you recall a memory, you're
making the whole thing
up from scratch?
501
00:43:05,282 --> 00:43:08,683
That's ridiculous, my memories
are exactly the
same every time.
502
00:43:08,685 --> 00:43:13,655
Oh, okay. What was I
wearing when we met?
503
00:43:13,657 --> 00:43:15,089
Nothing.
504
00:43:15,091 --> 00:43:17,091
Come on, I'm trying to
do science here.
505
00:43:17,093 --> 00:43:20,795
Don't you need test hares or
something like that?
506
00:43:20,797 --> 00:43:24,899
What color lipstick did your
wife wear at your wedding? Hm?
507
00:43:24,901 --> 00:43:26,834
How did you know that
I was married?
508
00:43:26,836 --> 00:43:31,105
It's written all over you.
Divorced guy goes to college.
509
00:43:31,107 --> 00:43:33,908
Not a good look, is it?
510
00:43:33,910 --> 00:43:35,977
It's not a look, it's a life.
511
00:43:35,979 --> 00:43:38,112
Hey, you want to go
back to my room?
512
00:43:38,114 --> 00:43:41,683
Sure, I still have 20 more
pages before we have
a sex break.
513
00:43:41,685 --> 00:43:46,321
Okay, fine, no highlighting, no
looking stuff up, no
dog-earing pages.
514
00:43:46,323 --> 00:43:47,655
Deal.
515
00:43:47,657 --> 00:43:48,723
Deal.
516
00:43:50,226 --> 00:43:52,093
Divorce is sexy. Really?
517
00:43:52,095 --> 00:43:54,829
Yeah, as long as you don't have
any brats running around you.
518
00:43:54,831 --> 00:43:57,065
Uh-huh.
519
00:43:57,067 --> 00:44:02,236
Yo, Laird wants a truce, he's
all fruity for you
or something.
520
00:44:02,238 --> 00:44:07,008
A truce, huh? Okay, take this,
you need it.
521
00:44:08,078 --> 00:44:09,177
Laird.
522
00:44:09,179 --> 00:44:13,281
LAIRD (O.S.): Pettifog.
523
00:44:16,720 --> 00:44:18,119
Tell me we're going to
beat Princeton.
524
00:44:18,121 --> 00:44:19,754
We're gonna beat Princeton.
525
00:44:19,756 --> 00:44:21,155
Tell me we're going to
the Final Four.
526
00:44:21,157 --> 00:44:23,057
Final Four? We're
going all the way.
527
00:44:23,059 --> 00:44:25,927
Did you just promise me a
national championship?
528
00:44:25,929 --> 00:44:28,663
I'm guaranteeing it.
529
00:44:28,665 --> 00:44:31,032
I believe you, Eli.
530
00:44:31,034 --> 00:44:34,969
I believe that you can restore
glory to Whittman athletics and
make us whole again.
531
00:44:34,971 --> 00:44:36,738
Yeah, I promise I will.
532
00:44:36,740 --> 00:44:42,176
But if you fail, I will make
you retarded with my fist.
533
00:44:42,178 --> 00:44:44,078
Okay.
534
00:45:03,933 --> 00:45:07,802
LAIRD (O.S.): I'm gonna make
this the worst year of your
shitty, little life.
535
00:45:07,804 --> 00:45:12,907
But if you fail, I will make
you retarded with my fist.
536
00:45:15,145 --> 00:45:21,049
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
537
00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:22,450
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
538
00:45:22,452 --> 00:45:25,887
Hey, I'm Eli Pettifog,
ask me anything.
539
00:45:29,426 --> 00:45:32,060
Yo, this is total commitment.
540
00:45:32,062 --> 00:45:33,428
What are you talking about?
541
00:45:33,430 --> 00:45:36,197
Pettifog, he means it.
542
00:45:36,199 --> 00:45:38,032
Let me see that.
543
00:45:42,172 --> 00:45:46,074
Oh, please, that's Kiss,
we're the Beatles.
544
00:45:47,844 --> 00:45:52,080
Tigers!
545
00:45:52,082 --> 00:45:55,383
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb!
546
00:45:55,385 --> 00:45:57,885
Win this one, we make it to
the Final Four.
547
00:45:57,887 --> 00:46:01,255
My father will kill me. '69
team lost to Princeton.
548
00:46:01,257 --> 00:46:03,091
You afraid of your father?
549
00:46:03,093 --> 00:46:04,358
ALAN (O.S.): Everybody is
afraid of their father.
550
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:05,727
I can't believe how
nervous I am.
551
00:46:05,729 --> 00:46:07,795
You've got no reason
to be nervous.
552
00:46:07,797 --> 00:46:10,364
No, I know, I was just trying
to make you feel useful.
553
00:46:10,366 --> 00:46:15,870
Just get up there and give it
all the brains you got.
554
00:46:15,872 --> 00:46:20,808
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
555
00:46:25,014 --> 00:46:29,917
Good evening and welcome to
Collegiate Mastermind.
556
00:46:37,527 --> 00:46:43,898
All right, the first question
is a toss-up worth ten points.
557
00:46:43,900 --> 00:46:49,036
Which president created a
company slogan by describing a
certain brand of coffee...
558
00:46:49,038 --> 00:46:51,472
as being "good to
the last drop"?
559
00:46:51,474 --> 00:46:53,474
Teddy Roosevelt.
560
00:46:53,476 --> 00:46:55,243
MODERATOR (O.S.): Correct.
561
00:46:58,915 --> 00:47:04,819
Here's your bonus. In Italy,
what is the average age
of a barista?
562
00:47:04,821 --> 00:47:05,953
48.
563
00:47:05,955 --> 00:47:07,388
MODERATOR (O.S.) Nicely done.
564
00:47:11,227 --> 00:47:17,331
Toss-up now. What is the
longest word ever used by a
presidential press secretary?
565
00:47:17,333 --> 00:47:20,001
Floxinoxinihilipilification.
566
00:47:20,003 --> 00:47:23,437
That's the word.
Here's your bonus.
567
00:47:23,439 --> 00:47:30,244
What is the longest word in the
English language whose letters
can be played on the piano?
568
00:47:34,450 --> 00:47:35,516
Cabbaged.
569
00:47:35,518 --> 00:47:39,287
Musical. Toss-up.
570
00:47:39,289 --> 00:47:45,526
How much money did Abraham
Lincoln have in his pocket at
the time of his assassination?
571
00:47:45,528 --> 00:47:47,195
Five dollars in
Confederate money.
572
00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:51,132
Nice shot, Whittman, all the
way to the bank.
573
00:47:56,139 --> 00:48:00,474
I want to have your baby!
574
00:48:00,476 --> 00:48:06,581
Here's your bonus. What is the
average life span of a U.S.
dollar in circulation?
575
00:48:06,583 --> 00:48:07,582
18 months.
576
00:48:07,584 --> 00:48:10,151
MODERATOR (O.S.) Correct.
577
00:48:14,123 --> 00:48:15,523
Such an intense sport.
578
00:48:15,525 --> 00:48:16,924
It's all in the coaching.
579
00:48:16,926 --> 00:48:19,527
Toss-up. Who wrote
Fart Proudly?
580
00:48:19,529 --> 00:48:21,095
Benjamin Franklin.
581
00:48:21,097 --> 00:48:23,231
Exactly. Nostalgie De La Boue.
582
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,132
Bingo. 28,420.
583
00:48:25,134 --> 00:48:26,868
Well done!
584
00:48:26,870 --> 00:48:33,274
Bella Abzug. The Stockholm
Syndrome. The number one.
585
00:48:33,276 --> 00:48:36,477
Banging your head against a
wall burns 150
calories per hour.
586
00:48:36,479 --> 00:48:41,115
On average, right-handed people
live nine years longer than
left-handed people.
587
00:48:41,117 --> 00:48:42,350
Mike Huckabee.
588
00:48:42,352 --> 00:48:45,486
The mainland tiger snake.
589
00:48:45,488 --> 00:48:50,558
The two presidents who's names
contain the letters that
form criminal...
590
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:54,161
are Richard Millhouse Nixon and
William Jefferson Clinton.
591
00:48:54,163 --> 00:48:59,166
If Barbie were life-size, she
would stand 7 feet, 2 inches.
592
00:49:04,407 --> 00:49:10,912
Whoo! It is a tight race, if I
do say so myself.
593
00:49:10,914 --> 00:49:18,052
This final question will
determine which team will go
to the Final Four.
594
00:49:18,054 --> 00:49:19,954
Teams at your buzzers.
595
00:49:31,334 --> 00:49:34,001
Who first said, "Elvis has
left the building"?
596
00:49:36,306 --> 00:49:37,371
Whittman!
597
00:49:37,373 --> 00:49:38,639
Horace Lee Logan!
598
00:49:38,641 --> 00:49:42,443
Holy shit, that's right.
599
00:49:42,445 --> 00:49:46,147
MODERATOR (O.S.): Princeton
loses! Princeton loses!
600
00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:49,216
And Whittman College advances
to the Final Four!
601
00:49:49,218 --> 00:49:52,320
We're not dumb! We're not dumb!
602
00:50:01,664 --> 00:50:06,200
Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid, now
that's over the line.
603
00:50:09,305 --> 00:50:11,205
I can't believe it.
604
00:50:35,064 --> 00:50:37,465
Yo.
605
00:50:37,467 --> 00:50:38,632
Yo.
606
00:50:52,615 --> 00:50:55,016
Hey, Pettifog.
607
00:50:55,018 --> 00:50:58,285
I have registered mail.
608
00:50:58,287 --> 00:51:05,192
You know what, Pettifog? You're
no Pettifog. You're an angel of
knowledge with a kinky halo.
609
00:51:05,194 --> 00:51:08,295
Saw you the other night,
awesome.
610
00:51:08,297 --> 00:51:10,765
Thanks.
611
00:51:10,767 --> 00:51:15,369
Hey, Pettifog? Hi-ya!
612
00:51:22,111 --> 00:51:26,580
What? Oh, shit, no!
613
00:51:26,582 --> 00:51:29,717
To the academic building, and
the first thing we're
gonna do is--
614
00:51:29,719 --> 00:51:33,687
Uh, question, what is the
student bathroom ratio
on this campus?
615
00:51:33,689 --> 00:51:35,189
Sophie?
616
00:51:35,191 --> 00:51:38,125
Yes. Who are you?
617
00:51:38,127 --> 00:51:42,296
Um... I'm Leo Searly.
618
00:51:44,700 --> 00:51:47,301
My bio dad?
619
00:51:47,303 --> 00:51:49,570
Your father.
620
00:51:49,572 --> 00:51:54,842
No. That's my father.
621
00:51:54,844 --> 00:51:56,710
Don't tell me you're a
professor here.
622
00:51:56,712 --> 00:52:01,082
No, uh, yes? I'm not
tenured yet, well--
623
00:52:01,084 --> 00:52:07,655
You left when I was seven, and
now you're teaching at my
top college choice?
624
00:52:07,657 --> 00:52:11,492
You're ruining my life
all over again.
625
00:52:11,494 --> 00:52:14,328
And you don't even care that
you're ruining my life.
626
00:52:14,330 --> 00:52:18,132
All you care about
is Leo Searly.
627
00:52:18,134 --> 00:52:25,573
Three-time loser and
pathetic Peter Pan.
628
00:52:25,575 --> 00:52:28,409
Soph-- Sophie, just give me
another chance.
629
00:52:33,282 --> 00:52:36,117
BARTENDER (O.S.): She
ain't here, Fuzzy.
630
00:52:42,558 --> 00:52:46,527
Read it. Read the letter!
631
00:52:52,602 --> 00:52:56,570
Collegiate Mastermind...
Dear Eli Pettifog...
632
00:52:56,572 --> 00:52:59,673
The Collegiate Mastermind
Committee hereby
suspends you...
633
00:52:59,675 --> 00:53:04,411
from the semi-final match of
this year's Final Four for
actions unbecoming?
634
00:53:04,413 --> 00:53:07,381
La-la-la... section four,
code 93...
635
00:53:07,383 --> 00:53:10,384
You're not even allowed in the
building. Is this for real?
636
00:53:10,386 --> 00:53:13,854
Yes, it's for real, this is
your fault, Leo.
637
00:53:13,856 --> 00:53:16,423
You got me the team jackets.
You got me the van.
638
00:53:16,425 --> 00:53:20,194
You made me popular. How could
you do those things?
639
00:53:20,196 --> 00:53:22,630
I knew I shouldn't have
enrolled you in karate classes.
640
00:53:22,632 --> 00:53:27,835
That's typical Leo Searly
sarcasm. You just don't care
about anyone or anything.
641
00:53:30,173 --> 00:53:32,706
Jesus Christ, I can't believe
this is happening.
642
00:53:32,708 --> 00:53:35,910
I had Harvard dangling over
the falls, Leo.
643
00:53:35,912 --> 00:53:38,512
You have to do
something about this.
644
00:53:38,514 --> 00:53:40,748
You have to go to the
Collegiate Mastermind
headquarters and you have to
set them straight.
645
00:53:40,750 --> 00:53:42,316
I can't do that.
646
00:53:42,318 --> 00:53:43,517
Why not?
647
00:53:43,519 --> 00:53:45,853
You just burst in
their offices...
648
00:53:45,855 --> 00:53:48,822
you tell them you're my father
and they're messing with my
destiny or something.
649
00:53:48,824 --> 00:53:52,960
You know that there are some
things that you just
can't change.
650
00:53:59,835 --> 00:54:02,836
I thought you were afraid
to talk to me?
651
00:54:02,838 --> 00:54:06,874
I've been suspended from the
semi-final match.
652
00:54:06,876 --> 00:54:08,275
For karate? You idiot.
653
00:54:13,316 --> 00:54:16,584
I know, but they never
even warned me.
654
00:54:16,586 --> 00:54:19,420
I hope you consider coming to
Whittman, you're a
wonderful candidate.
655
00:54:19,422 --> 00:54:20,654
Thank you so much.
656
00:54:20,656 --> 00:54:23,224
Okay, see you. Bye-bye. Bye.
657
00:54:23,226 --> 00:54:26,560
Do you ever consider the
possibility that maybe you're
the patsy in all this?
658
00:54:26,562 --> 00:54:28,796
I was set up? Why
would I be set up?
659
00:54:28,798 --> 00:54:31,799
Look, they used you to bring
attention to the Mastermind.
660
00:54:31,801 --> 00:54:34,969
But at the end of the day, they
were never gonna let you win.
661
00:54:34,971 --> 00:54:36,704
You're collegiate white trash.
662
00:54:36,706 --> 00:54:38,806
You're even more
paranoid than I am.
663
00:54:38,808 --> 00:54:41,508
Things like this happen
all the time.
664
00:54:43,312 --> 00:54:45,879
Hi.
665
00:54:45,881 --> 00:54:47,748
Hi.
666
00:54:47,750 --> 00:54:49,683
Hello.
667
00:54:49,685 --> 00:54:51,652
Hello.
668
00:54:51,654 --> 00:54:55,623
I've been looking all over for
you. What are you doing here?
669
00:54:55,625 --> 00:54:59,727
Um, I just finished my
interview and then the
campus store.
670
00:54:59,729 --> 00:55:02,529
Now I'm in the library,
which is awesome.
671
00:55:02,531 --> 00:55:06,767
I'm a little bit confused. Are
you applying for an
after school job or something?
672
00:55:06,769 --> 00:55:11,505
No, um... I'm applying as a
student to Whittman College,
Eli.
673
00:55:11,507 --> 00:55:16,677
I thought you were 15. Have you
been lying to me
about your age?
674
00:55:16,679 --> 00:55:20,614
I am 15, and I'm a high
school senior.
675
00:55:23,619 --> 00:55:25,753
Why wouldn't you tell me that?
676
00:55:25,755 --> 00:55:28,322
Because I thought you
wouldn't like it.
677
00:55:28,324 --> 00:55:33,694
And... why didn't you tell me
about the Collegiate
Mastermind? Hm?
678
00:55:36,832 --> 00:55:39,466
Is is because you wanted to
keep your townie girlfriend...
679
00:55:39,468 --> 00:55:41,669
as far away from your real
life as you can?
680
00:55:41,671 --> 00:55:43,771
I'm a townie, too, you know.
681
00:55:43,773 --> 00:55:45,673
Then act like one.
682
00:55:48,577 --> 00:55:52,046
You better go get her, Eli.
Girls like that don't
grow in chat rooms.
683
00:55:55,584 --> 00:55:57,484
And brush your hair.
684
00:56:35,891 --> 00:56:37,458
Shit!
685
00:56:42,765 --> 00:56:44,732
Dance.
686
00:56:49,438 --> 00:56:50,504
Good shot.
687
00:56:53,909 --> 00:56:56,944
Hey, Leo? How are
your testicles?
688
00:56:56,946 --> 00:56:58,846
Hanging in there.
689
00:57:00,850 --> 00:57:02,916
Yeah, you are.
690
00:57:14,630 --> 00:57:20,934
Pettifog. Pettifog.
691
00:57:20,936 --> 00:57:24,037
Pettifog!
692
00:57:24,039 --> 00:57:29,777
I am one gloomy dick, Pettifog.
693
00:57:31,947 --> 00:57:33,781
What's wrong?
694
00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:39,820
What's wrong? You got
suspended. We're gonna lose.
695
00:57:39,822 --> 00:57:42,423
Where'd you hear that?
696
00:57:42,425 --> 00:57:46,994
Everywhere.
697
00:57:46,996 --> 00:57:49,596
It's not true.
698
00:57:49,598 --> 00:57:52,733
It's not?
699
00:57:52,735 --> 00:57:59,673
No... it's-- it's a ruse to
lull the opponent.
700
00:57:59,675 --> 00:58:03,043
To a false sense of security.
701
00:58:03,045 --> 00:58:05,679
Nobody knows but you and me.
702
00:58:07,082 --> 00:58:09,116
That's just ingenious.
703
00:58:11,520 --> 00:58:18,926
So, you still guarantee
complete annihilation and
total victory?
704
00:58:18,928 --> 00:58:21,128
100 percent.
705
00:58:21,130 --> 00:58:23,163
How about another 10?
That's 110 percent.
706
00:58:26,902 --> 00:58:29,102
There's no such thing.
707
00:58:29,104 --> 00:58:31,872
I don't care.
708
00:58:36,979 --> 00:58:40,914
Sophie?
709
00:58:42,718 --> 00:58:48,055
This was the car you were gonna
teach me to drive in.
710
00:58:52,595 --> 00:58:54,228
Well, why don't we do
that right now?
711
00:58:54,230 --> 00:58:56,797
I already know how to drive.
712
00:59:01,804 --> 00:59:05,839
You know I'm not really a
professor here, right?
713
00:59:05,841 --> 00:59:09,643
I know, you're a freshman.
714
00:59:09,645 --> 00:59:13,847
Which is 50-50 creepy to cool.
715
00:59:18,020 --> 00:59:20,153
I was sure you hated me, I--
716
00:59:20,155 --> 00:59:23,724
I did, until I saw you.
717
00:59:23,726 --> 00:59:29,730
But you're such a lost
goofball, I can't help
but not hate you.
718
00:59:29,732 --> 00:59:31,999
Do you feel sorry for me?
719
00:59:32,001 --> 00:59:33,300
Yeah.
720
00:59:33,302 --> 00:59:36,303
Well, that's sweet.
721
00:59:36,305 --> 00:59:38,205
Are you thinking of
coming to Whittman?
722
00:59:38,207 --> 00:59:42,576
How would you feel about that?
I mean, it could be weird.
723
00:59:42,578 --> 00:59:49,082
Well... I don't know, thrilled
that my daughter is following
after her scholarly father.
724
00:59:52,755 --> 00:59:53,954
What kind of grades you get?
725
00:59:53,956 --> 00:59:56,557
Straight A's. Yeah?
726
00:59:56,559 --> 00:59:58,892
It's no big deal, it's
public school.
727
00:59:58,894 --> 01:00:01,895
Still, that's great,
straight A's.
728
01:00:04,300 --> 01:00:06,066
Can you afford it?
729
01:00:06,068 --> 01:00:09,770
No, I can't afford it.
730
01:00:09,772 --> 01:00:12,773
Well, you know, maybe there's
something I can do to help you
out tuition-wise.
731
01:00:12,775 --> 01:00:16,276
Are you serious? You
would do that?
732
01:00:16,278 --> 01:00:23,183
Yeah, um, I'm not making any
promises, but I'll see what
I can do. Um...
733
01:00:23,185 --> 01:00:27,821
I didn't come here for that,
you know?
734
01:00:27,823 --> 01:00:31,091
I know, look, I know, I know,
I know. I know.
735
01:01:36,025 --> 01:01:38,058
Hi. Hi.
736
01:01:38,060 --> 01:01:42,829
I can't see you anymore. I'm
sorry. Can I come in?
737
01:01:42,831 --> 01:01:45,332
Yeah, why can't you
see me anymore?
738
01:01:45,334 --> 01:01:52,305
Well, because I just ran into
my daughter and I haven't seen
her in a long time.
739
01:01:52,307 --> 01:01:56,743
And it's just a little
bit creepy...
740
01:01:56,745 --> 01:02:00,414
because she kind of looks
like-- you get it?
741
01:02:00,416 --> 01:02:02,949
That is so psychological.
742
01:02:02,951 --> 01:02:08,388
Some kind of pathological
narcissistic father-daughter
disorder or something.
743
01:02:08,390 --> 01:02:14,695
Well, thanks very much, and
I'll see you around campus.
744
01:02:14,697 --> 01:02:17,898
You sure you don't want to hang
out and study for a while?
745
01:02:17,900 --> 01:02:24,404
Wow, um, uh... gosh,
I'm gonna go--
746
01:03:15,858 --> 01:03:20,393
Leo... what the hell are
you doing here?
747
01:03:20,395 --> 01:03:23,997
Hi, Benny, how are you?
748
01:03:23,999 --> 01:03:28,902
Well, I've got a lot of things
I could complain about, but try
to say only good things.
749
01:03:28,904 --> 01:03:32,172
So, all right, what's
up with you?
750
01:03:32,174 --> 01:03:34,307
Oh, I'm here to place a bet,
Benny.
751
01:03:34,309 --> 01:03:37,444
Leo, you know that I'll never
take your bet, not ever.
752
01:03:37,446 --> 01:03:39,179
Now what kind of bookie
doesn't take a bet?
753
01:03:39,181 --> 01:03:42,015
The kind who feels guilty for
ruining your life.
754
01:03:42,017 --> 01:03:46,820
But this is a good bet. It's a
bet with conscience.
755
01:03:46,822 --> 01:03:49,055
Look, I'm sorry, Leo,
can't do it.
756
01:03:50,225 --> 01:03:53,059
Benny, take my bet.
757
01:03:53,061 --> 01:03:56,396
Would you please get up off the
ground? The sight of you down
there is very disturbing to me.
758
01:03:56,398 --> 01:04:00,200
I'm not getting up until
you take my bet.
759
01:04:00,202 --> 01:04:02,469
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
760
01:04:02,471 --> 01:04:04,004
Oh, yeah? Hm.
761
01:04:04,006 --> 01:04:06,506
Really?
762
01:04:06,508 --> 01:04:09,376
I'm not getting up until you
get out of here,
you understand?
763
01:04:09,378 --> 01:04:13,013
Look at you, Benny. You're on
your knees in your own office.
764
01:04:13,015 --> 01:04:17,117
Look at you, you're begging me
to ruin your life
all over again.
765
01:04:17,119 --> 01:04:19,186
I'm trying to pay for my
daughter's tuition.
766
01:04:19,188 --> 01:04:21,154
Yeah.
767
01:04:21,156 --> 01:04:23,290
Do you have any idea how much
it costs to go to
college these days?
768
01:04:23,292 --> 01:04:25,192
I don't know, like 20 grand?
769
01:04:25,194 --> 01:04:26,993
Try 50 large.
770
01:04:26,995 --> 01:04:29,462
50 large? Who the hell
can afford that?
771
01:04:29,464 --> 01:04:34,234
I got 25, if I double it, then
Sophie can go to
school for a year.
772
01:04:34,236 --> 01:04:37,070
All right, what's the bet?
773
01:04:37,072 --> 01:04:39,239
Harvard to take it all.
774
01:04:39,241 --> 01:04:40,907
Harvard? What are
they gonna win?
775
01:04:40,909 --> 01:04:42,609
Collegiate Mastermind.
776
01:04:42,611 --> 01:04:44,611
What the hell is
Collegiate Mastermind?
777
01:04:44,613 --> 01:04:47,180
Well, it's kind of like
Jeopardy, but
without the money.
778
01:04:47,182 --> 01:04:51,384
No money? What's the point?
779
01:04:51,386 --> 01:04:56,389
You are going to win the
Collegiate Mastermind National
Championship. Say it.
780
01:04:56,391 --> 01:05:00,026
You are going to win the
Collegiate Mastermind--
781
01:05:00,028 --> 01:05:03,964
Stop. Stop. Not me, you.
Please say it again.
782
01:05:03,966 --> 01:05:07,000
How can we win the Collegiate
Mastermind National
Championship?
783
01:05:07,002 --> 01:05:10,503
We haven't answered one single
question during the
whole season.
784
01:05:10,505 --> 01:05:12,906
Well, you didn't answer the
questions, but you knew the
answers, right?
785
01:05:12,908 --> 01:05:14,908
I didn't.
786
01:05:14,910 --> 01:05:18,445
Not even one third of the
answers? One out of every
three questions?
787
01:05:18,447 --> 01:05:22,515
I did, I knew about a third.
788
01:05:22,517 --> 01:05:24,618
Yeah, I guess I did, too.
789
01:05:24,620 --> 01:05:28,154
Okay, and Alan knew the other
third, so the three of you guys
make up one of me.
790
01:05:28,156 --> 01:05:29,623
But--
791
01:05:29,625 --> 01:05:32,959
You're pussies. You guys
are total pussies.
792
01:05:32,961 --> 01:05:37,664
And pussies need balls, so get
some balls, guys.
793
01:05:37,666 --> 01:05:43,003
Can you seriously picture
Alan with balls?
794
01:05:43,005 --> 01:05:44,137
Mm?
795
01:05:44,139 --> 01:05:47,107
ALAN (O.S.): Eli.
796
01:05:47,109 --> 01:05:48,208
Alan?
797
01:05:48,210 --> 01:05:50,911
Up here, Eli.
798
01:05:50,913 --> 01:05:54,447
Last night, I had a dream.
799
01:05:54,449 --> 01:05:57,450
The Poughkeepsie Music Hall...
800
01:05:57,452 --> 01:06:02,656
Poughkeepsie, New York,
semi-final match of the
Final Four...
801
01:06:02,658 --> 01:06:07,627
I was nailing question
after question.
802
01:06:07,629 --> 01:06:10,630
How did it end? In
your triumph?
803
01:06:10,632 --> 01:06:12,565
Nope.
804
01:06:12,567 --> 01:06:17,704
Ended when I mutated into a
rabbit and shitted all
over the stage.
805
01:06:17,706 --> 01:06:24,177
You weren't a rabbit, you
idiot. You were a Warring Hare.
806
01:06:24,179 --> 01:06:26,379
Really? Yes.
807
01:06:27,582 --> 01:06:29,582
But what does the shit signify?
808
01:06:29,584 --> 01:06:31,685
Purging of your doubts.
809
01:06:33,088 --> 01:06:37,357
Man... I got a lot of doubts.
810
01:06:39,127 --> 01:06:42,495
( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING )
811
01:07:43,025 --> 01:07:46,526
Because Harvard's burning.
812
01:07:46,528 --> 01:07:48,795
Turn off the municipal
water system.
813
01:07:48,797 --> 01:07:50,663
Because Harvard's burning.
814
01:07:50,665 --> 01:07:52,399
Something smells good.
815
01:07:52,401 --> 01:07:57,337
Because Harvard's burning.
816
01:08:03,078 --> 01:08:04,177
We're here.
817
01:08:05,614 --> 01:08:06,813
GERTRUDE (O.S.): Okay,
now I'm nervous.
818
01:08:06,815 --> 01:08:08,415
I'm gonna try and
get in anyway.
819
01:08:08,417 --> 01:08:10,250
Good luck to us all.
820
01:08:14,790 --> 01:08:17,157
Warren Harris from Leafy
Woman's College.
821
01:08:19,561 --> 01:08:22,195
Searly, Leo.
822
01:08:22,197 --> 01:08:24,531
Pettifog, I can't let you in
the building until after
the semi-finals.
823
01:08:24,533 --> 01:08:25,765
What are you talking about?
824
01:08:25,767 --> 01:08:27,434
He's with us-- Excuse me.
825
01:08:27,436 --> 01:08:29,202
Okay, you're b--. What are
you talking about?
826
01:08:29,204 --> 01:08:31,271
I'll watch the guys. I can't
let you in. Sorry.
827
01:08:31,273 --> 01:08:33,173
There's something very
different about you this year.
828
01:08:33,175 --> 01:08:34,607
The moustache-- my
moustache came in.
829
01:08:34,609 --> 01:08:35,642
It's not your moustache.
830
01:08:35,644 --> 01:08:37,343
Moustache is in.
831
01:08:37,345 --> 01:08:39,746
Something I can't quite run
my fingers through.
832
01:08:39,748 --> 01:08:40,780
You know, Spencer--
833
01:08:40,782 --> 01:08:42,549
AD (O.S.): We're on, guys.
834
01:08:42,551 --> 01:08:43,550
I'm sorry, here we go.
835
01:08:48,457 --> 01:08:51,524
Ooh, we have arrived.
836
01:08:51,526 --> 01:08:54,561
Fruit plate.
837
01:08:54,563 --> 01:08:56,763
You know Shrek's wife Fiona?
Mm-hm.
838
01:08:56,765 --> 01:08:59,365
I bet her hoo-hah looks
just like this.
839
01:08:59,367 --> 01:09:02,469
Why did it take you so long to
say something romantic?
840
01:09:02,471 --> 01:09:06,206
Hey, guys, let's bring it in.
Huddle up... into a square.
841
01:09:09,111 --> 01:09:10,310
Circle, triangle, whatever.
842
01:09:10,312 --> 01:09:12,479
Are you gonna psyche us up
instead of Eli?
843
01:09:12,481 --> 01:09:18,184
In my own way. You made it to
the Final Four. You're
already winners, right?
844
01:09:18,186 --> 01:09:24,157
Right, right? Right. Let's take
a moment to cherish that.
845
01:09:30,599 --> 01:09:34,134
This is something that you're
going to share with
your children.
846
01:09:34,136 --> 01:09:39,506
The foundation of good
character is based on losing.
847
01:09:39,508 --> 01:09:46,479
In fact, what makes a good
winner... is a good loser.
848
01:09:49,317 --> 01:09:55,522
What's the difference between
winning and losing?
849
01:09:55,524 --> 01:09:58,358
Except joy and pain.
850
01:09:58,360 --> 01:10:03,863
So, let's go out there with our
heads held high...
and lose one.
851
01:10:03,865 --> 01:10:06,199
In that old Whittman style.
852
01:10:07,936 --> 01:10:10,236
We're coming to you live...
Coming to you live.
853
01:10:10,238 --> 01:10:12,539
...from the Poughkeepsie Music
Hall and what a beautiful
venue this is.
854
01:10:12,541 --> 01:10:13,873
Gorgeous down there.
855
01:10:13,875 --> 01:10:17,277
Where the Stanford Cardinal
will be taking on the--
856
01:10:17,279 --> 01:10:19,612
Whittman Warring Hares of
Whittman College.
857
01:10:19,614 --> 01:10:23,583
Who are playing without their
star, Eli Pettifog, who is--
858
01:10:23,585 --> 01:10:26,452
He's been suspended. He's been
suspended one game
for showboating.
859
01:10:26,454 --> 01:10:29,522
He's gonna be back if they
advance to the Finals.
860
01:10:29,524 --> 01:10:31,257
What is up with you?
861
01:10:31,259 --> 01:10:33,826
This Whittman thong is itching
me something fierce.
862
01:10:33,828 --> 01:10:36,362
Can we have tickets? I
really need tickets.
863
01:10:36,364 --> 01:10:40,300
Shit! Shit.
864
01:10:48,944 --> 01:10:52,478
Why were you acting so
creepy in the library?
865
01:10:52,480 --> 01:10:57,650
I don't know. Why were you
acting so creepy in
the library?
866
01:11:00,222 --> 01:11:05,558
I just-- I just came over--
867
01:11:05,560 --> 01:11:07,527
I'm sorry.
868
01:11:07,529 --> 01:11:09,295
Yeah, sorry.
869
01:11:13,468 --> 01:11:15,001
Oh, I have lip gloss.
870
01:11:15,003 --> 01:11:17,704
No, screw the lip gloss, okay?
871
01:11:24,879 --> 01:11:26,913
KID (O.S.): Yo, good luck,
Stanford.
872
01:11:31,786 --> 01:11:35,755
Remember, guys, even without
Pettifog, the Hares are
still dangerous.
873
01:11:35,757 --> 01:11:41,427
Bullshit. Without Pettifog,
they can't even spell Pettifog.
874
01:11:41,429 --> 01:11:45,498
Hey, watch the karma violation.
875
01:11:45,500 --> 01:11:49,602
Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon.
876
01:11:49,604 --> 01:11:52,672
You come and go.
877
01:11:52,674 --> 01:11:55,975
You come and go.
878
01:11:58,580 --> 01:12:02,315
Oh, shit.
879
01:12:02,317 --> 01:12:06,419
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Stanford
Cardinal, please report
backstage to check in.
880
01:12:06,421 --> 01:12:09,689
Final call, final call,
Stanford Cardinal.
881
01:12:09,691 --> 01:12:12,292
We're currently waiting for the
Stanford Cardinal to arrive.
882
01:12:12,294 --> 01:12:15,561
I think it's a mind game. I
think what Stanford is
doing is a mind game.
883
01:12:15,563 --> 01:12:19,565
I think they're just trying to
upset these Whittman Warring
Hares by not showing up.
884
01:12:19,567 --> 01:12:21,834
I think it's bad karma, myself.
Yeah.
885
01:12:21,836 --> 01:12:24,570
I don't know where they are. I
saw the in the hotel this
morning at breakfast.
886
01:12:24,572 --> 01:12:29,475
A little bleary-eyed, probably
from studying and/or partying
they did last night.
887
01:12:29,477 --> 01:12:31,611
But they look great,
these kids...
888
01:12:31,613 --> 01:12:34,013
we all shared some of the
cottage cheese. I got a bowl of
cottage cheese there.
889
01:12:34,015 --> 01:12:35,982
Really?
890
01:12:35,984 --> 01:12:37,950
Put some sugar on it yourself
and grab yourself a
pineapple ring...
891
01:12:37,952 --> 01:12:40,353
and put the cottage
cheese on there.
892
01:12:40,355 --> 01:12:43,923
And load that sucker with sugar
and have yourself some
delicious French roast...
893
01:12:43,925 --> 01:12:46,659
that they have at the
continental breakfast, a
croissant, maybe?
894
01:12:46,661 --> 01:12:47,927
Right.
895
01:12:47,929 --> 01:12:50,430
Do not let them get into
your head, Gertrude.
896
01:12:50,432 --> 01:12:53,766
The match should have started
20 minutes ago. Those Stanford
fools are driving me crazy.
897
01:12:56,805 --> 01:12:59,505
Good afternoon, Whittman.
898
01:12:59,507 --> 01:13:03,810
The Stanford Cardinal have
failed to appear... and
are disqualified.
899
01:13:06,548 --> 01:13:11,551
Congratulations, you
advance to the Finals.
900
01:13:17,826 --> 01:13:20,693
BENNY (ON VM): Benny Greenberg.
901
01:13:20,695 --> 01:13:25,698
Hi, Benny, it's me, it's Leo.
Really be good if I
could talk to you.
902
01:13:25,700 --> 01:13:29,369
Hey, so what's
Eli's bedroom IQ?
903
01:13:29,371 --> 01:13:31,704
Cut it out, you jerks. Okay?
904
01:13:31,706 --> 01:13:35,041
Seriously, we're about to play
the match of our lives.
905
01:13:35,043 --> 01:13:36,709
What should we do?
906
01:13:36,711 --> 01:13:38,811
We'll practice celebrating.
907
01:13:38,813 --> 01:13:41,748
Create a mental picture of
Harvard lying on the stage.
908
01:13:41,750 --> 01:13:44,984
You know, they're crying,
they're fouling their pants.
909
01:13:44,986 --> 01:13:47,787
They're bleeding from
their ears...
910
01:13:47,789 --> 01:13:52,692
and you all are gyrating
obscenely over their
fallen bodies. Okay?
911
01:13:55,630 --> 01:13:57,897
I want some pie. You
want some pie?
912
01:13:57,899 --> 01:13:59,899
Yeah.
913
01:13:59,901 --> 01:14:04,070
Do you want blueberry? I heard
they have an awesome peach one.
Banana--
914
01:14:04,072 --> 01:14:05,838
I actually have to pee.
915
01:14:05,840 --> 01:14:08,841
Oh, I'll be over there.
916
01:14:16,518 --> 01:14:20,420
Dual vivimus vivamus.
917
01:14:20,422 --> 01:14:23,990
While we live, let's live.
918
01:14:23,992 --> 01:14:27,827
Porcellian Club, Harvard's
most secret society.
919
01:14:27,829 --> 01:14:31,931
Members often call it "The PC".
920
01:14:31,933 --> 01:14:38,738
And "The Porc". I'm not a
member, so I just call it
the Porcellian Club.
921
01:14:38,740 --> 01:14:45,545
Nobody is a member until they
become a member, but once a
member, always a member.
922
01:14:45,547 --> 01:14:46,712
Like an alma mater.
923
01:14:50,452 --> 01:14:52,819
Only much, much better.
924
01:14:52,821 --> 01:14:55,087
Maybe next time around.
925
01:14:55,089 --> 01:15:02,628
Look at me, Eli. There is no
next time around.
926
01:15:02,630 --> 01:15:06,666
If you let Harvard win, I can
make you a Harvard student.
927
01:15:16,244 --> 01:15:18,778
Consider it.
928
01:15:22,550 --> 01:15:28,254
He said that if I take a dive
in the final match, I go to
Harvard on a full scholarship.
929
01:15:28,256 --> 01:15:30,189
Does that include a
graduate degree?
930
01:15:30,191 --> 01:15:31,557
Who needs a graduate degree?
931
01:15:31,559 --> 01:15:32,992
Well, what was your answer?
932
01:15:32,994 --> 01:15:37,864
I didn't have one. I still
don't have one.
933
01:15:37,866 --> 01:15:43,603
I gotta go, just don't follow
me, don't try to find me, agh!
934
01:15:43,605 --> 01:15:46,138
I'm gyrating. I'm gyrating.
935
01:15:46,140 --> 01:15:48,074
No, no, no, it's like this.
936
01:15:50,512 --> 01:15:54,046
You're the rice in my beans,
baby.
937
01:15:54,048 --> 01:15:55,815
Uh, hey, is Eli around?
938
01:15:55,817 --> 01:15:58,518
You guys don't know where he
is? Is something wrong?
939
01:15:58,520 --> 01:16:00,119
Everything is fine. He's
probably just getting in the
zone all by himself.
940
01:16:00,121 --> 01:16:01,954
What's going on? What's
going on, what?
941
01:16:01,956 --> 01:16:03,823
He's obviously not here. I
know he's not here.
942
01:16:03,825 --> 01:16:05,191
So let's go, let's go.
943
01:16:05,193 --> 01:16:07,059
So, later.
944
01:16:30,018 --> 01:16:32,118
Eli? Eli.
945
01:16:32,120 --> 01:16:34,754
Eli. We should go back and wait
for him in the dressing room.
946
01:16:34,756 --> 01:16:37,056
What are you talking about?
He's not going to the
dressing room.
947
01:16:37,058 --> 01:16:39,325
He could be anywhere.
948
01:16:41,195 --> 01:16:44,597
We are live in Poughkeepsie,
New York...
949
01:16:44,599 --> 01:16:47,567
for the 49th annual Collegiate
Mastermind Tournament
Championship.
950
01:16:47,569 --> 01:16:50,002
And right off the bat, we
have a shocker.
951
01:16:50,004 --> 01:16:51,804
Oh, boy.
952
01:16:51,806 --> 01:16:55,575
Whittman College's star player
Eli Pettifog is a no-show.
953
01:16:55,577 --> 01:16:59,011
I think that their chances have
gone from long shot...
954
01:16:59,013 --> 01:17:01,881
to no shot here against the
Harvard Crimson ruling elite.
955
01:17:06,821 --> 01:17:10,089
There.
956
01:17:10,091 --> 01:17:11,591
What are you doing, Eli?
957
01:17:11,593 --> 01:17:13,192
Eli.
958
01:17:13,194 --> 01:17:16,596
He can't talk, but his Lego
skills are ridiculous.
959
01:17:16,598 --> 01:17:19,165
Hmm.
960
01:17:19,167 --> 01:17:21,233
Come on, let's go. The
match is starting.
961
01:17:24,305 --> 01:17:26,238
Keep on building.
962
01:17:28,676 --> 01:17:30,843
Holy shit, no Pettifog.
963
01:17:30,845 --> 01:17:33,312
Oh, no, I forgot to go
to the bathroom.
964
01:17:37,185 --> 01:17:39,952
Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen...
965
01:17:39,954 --> 01:17:43,889
and welcome to this year's
Collegiate Mastermind
Championship Match.
966
01:17:43,891 --> 01:17:46,158
Featuring the Harvard Crimson.
967
01:17:51,399 --> 01:17:54,667
Against the Whittman
Warring Hare.
968
01:17:59,741 --> 01:18:02,675
The first question
is a toss-up.
969
01:18:02,677 --> 01:18:07,647
When was the stethoscope
invented and by whom?
970
01:18:07,649 --> 01:18:08,714
1816 by
971
01:18:08,716 --> 01:18:12,718
René-Théophile-Hyacinthe Laennec
972
01:18:12,720 --> 01:18:15,154
MODERATOR (O.S.):
That is right.
973
01:18:15,156 --> 01:18:17,223
Here's your bonus.
974
01:18:17,225 --> 01:18:21,994
Despite her French-sounding
name, Marie Curie was
from what country?
975
01:18:21,996 --> 01:18:22,995
Poland.
976
01:18:22,997 --> 01:18:24,864
That is right.
977
01:18:26,834 --> 01:18:29,068
Here's a toss-up.
978
01:18:29,070 --> 01:18:35,041
Who was the only Major League
pitcher to throw a
no-hitter while on LSD?
979
01:18:35,043 --> 01:18:36,676
Doc Ellis.
980
01:18:36,678 --> 01:18:38,778
That is correct.
981
01:18:38,780 --> 01:18:39,945
Where's Pettifog?
982
01:18:39,947 --> 01:18:41,781
Here's your bonus.
983
01:18:41,783 --> 01:18:45,351
What was the last country to
stop legally producing LSD?
984
01:18:45,353 --> 01:18:48,087
Czechoslovakia in 1975.
985
01:18:48,089 --> 01:18:50,356
That is right.
986
01:18:50,358 --> 01:18:54,193
This humiliation is
gonna go viral.
987
01:18:54,195 --> 01:18:59,932
It was Michigan in the
semi-finals and now it is a
young, plucky band of kids...
988
01:18:59,934 --> 01:19:02,334
from Whittman College who are
feeling Harvard's wrath.
989
01:19:02,336 --> 01:19:05,004
Ugh, it's not pretty out there.
990
01:19:05,006 --> 01:19:09,709
I didn't think they had a
chance from the beginning...
991
01:19:09,711 --> 01:19:13,879
but now this sad Cinderella
story is coming to a close.
992
01:19:13,881 --> 01:19:17,450
Now the cards were stacked
against Whittman to begin with,
even with...
993
01:19:17,452 --> 01:19:20,286
Eli? Eli!
994
01:19:20,288 --> 01:19:25,391
Excuse me, I made the decision
that is going to determine my
future and yours.
995
01:19:25,393 --> 01:19:30,730
I reject friendship, I reject
love, and I reject
Collegiate Mastermind.
996
01:19:30,732 --> 01:19:37,303
Iron Chef Michael Simon
attended which Cleveland
area high school?
997
01:19:37,305 --> 01:19:40,272
Saint Edward High
School in Lakewood.
998
01:19:40,274 --> 01:19:42,274
That is right.
999
01:19:46,214 --> 01:19:49,882
Make it look like your
buzzers don't work.
1000
01:19:49,884 --> 01:19:54,386
Toss up. What animal is
incapable of seeing the sky?
1001
01:19:57,859 --> 01:20:00,392
I take it back.
1002
01:20:00,394 --> 01:20:02,495
Five seconds, Whittman.
1003
01:20:02,497 --> 01:20:05,965
Something in my head is saying
gashon, gashon, gashon. What
the hell is gashon?
1004
01:20:05,967 --> 01:20:09,802
It's a pig. The pig.
1005
01:20:09,804 --> 01:20:11,504
That is right.
1006
01:20:15,376 --> 01:20:17,910
Here's your bonus.
1007
01:20:17,912 --> 01:20:22,815
These ancient people were
sometimes accompanied to the
grave with their herds of pigs.
1008
01:20:22,817 --> 01:20:26,952
The southern white cracker
loves his swine.
1009
01:20:26,954 --> 01:20:32,525
The cracker is an ancient.
Polish people are
true pig lovers.
1010
01:20:32,527 --> 01:20:34,827
The Chinese!
1011
01:20:34,829 --> 01:20:36,996
That is correct.
1012
01:20:39,901 --> 01:20:42,001
Yeah! Uh-oh!
1013
01:20:45,139 --> 01:20:50,142
The ugliest sight in the world
is the sight of simple
people being happy.
1014
01:20:50,144 --> 01:20:52,144
Toss up.
1015
01:20:52,146 --> 01:20:58,884
What ill-fated computer
platform was released on the
23rd of April, 1983?
1016
01:20:58,886 --> 01:21:00,586
The Apple 3.
1017
01:21:00,588 --> 01:21:02,288
That is right.
1018
01:21:02,290 --> 01:21:03,889
How did you know that?
1019
01:21:03,891 --> 01:21:06,425
I didn't know I did.
Here's your bonus.
1020
01:21:06,427 --> 01:21:11,230
Who was the forgotten founder
of Apple and what was his
greatest contribution
to the company?
1021
01:21:11,232 --> 01:21:14,166
Ron Wayne, he designed
the first logo.
1022
01:21:14,168 --> 01:21:18,204
MODERATOR (O.S.):
You nailed it!
1023
01:21:18,206 --> 01:21:20,039
Yeah, Gertrude.
1024
01:21:20,041 --> 01:21:21,540
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
1025
01:21:21,542 --> 01:21:25,244
Wow, a sign of life from
these Whittman Hares.
1026
01:21:25,246 --> 01:21:27,580
Nah, I think it's gonna be too
little, too late, Spencer.
1027
01:21:27,582 --> 01:21:30,983
Coming up on the two-minute
warning, I think Whittman's
fate is all but sealed.
1028
01:21:30,985 --> 01:21:33,352
Let's not get too
excited yet...
1029
01:21:33,354 --> 01:21:36,622
Harvard has been answering
questions like this for 500,
600 years.
1030
01:21:36,624 --> 01:21:38,591
They could beat
Harvard without you.
1031
01:21:44,498 --> 01:21:51,036
Toss up. Who performed the only
instrumental song to have been
banned from American radio?
1032
01:21:51,038 --> 01:21:52,972
And what was the name
of the song?
1033
01:21:57,511 --> 01:21:59,612
Holy spasticature.
1034
01:21:59,614 --> 01:22:02,448
Oh! Down and out!
1035
01:22:02,450 --> 01:22:05,317
I'll tell you, that's the most
exciting moment in Collegiate
Mastermind history, that is.
1036
01:22:05,319 --> 01:22:07,920
Wow, let's see that again.
1037
01:22:07,922 --> 01:22:11,891
Here you go, hold it, wait for
it. He's gonna clip the
podium right--
1038
01:22:11,893 --> 01:22:14,660
Pow. Bing.
1039
01:22:14,662 --> 01:22:17,496
That's gonna shave a few
points of the old GPA.
1040
01:22:17,498 --> 01:22:22,534
Oh, don't you know it. He is a
bleeder that little kid,
that smartie.
1041
01:22:22,536 --> 01:22:29,174
Ladies and gentlemen, a member
of the Whittman side has
sustained a serious injury.
1042
01:22:31,112 --> 01:22:34,980
Whittman has three minutes to
produce their alternate.
1043
01:22:34,982 --> 01:22:37,483
You're now the alternate, Eli.
1044
01:22:37,485 --> 01:22:42,354
If you're not on that stage in
three minutes, Whittman will
be disqualified.
1045
01:22:42,356 --> 01:22:46,058
I'd stay where you are, Eli. A
king always needs his castle.
1046
01:22:51,699 --> 01:22:58,704
Let me put it in context. How
long have you dreamed of
going to Harvard?
1047
01:22:58,706 --> 01:23:00,606
My whole life.
1048
01:23:00,608 --> 01:23:05,577
How long have you dreamed of
beating Harvard?
1049
01:23:05,579 --> 01:23:09,181
A couple of months.
1050
01:23:09,183 --> 01:23:12,418
You're gonna have to honor
the big dream, Eli.
1051
01:23:12,420 --> 01:23:14,253
Yeah.
1052
01:23:14,255 --> 01:23:17,456
Wait, what the hell
are you doing?
1053
01:23:17,458 --> 01:23:23,395
I mean, do you really want to
screw your school, your team
and your friends?
1054
01:23:23,397 --> 01:23:28,567
Get some balls, Eli, and go
out there and win it.
1055
01:23:28,569 --> 01:23:32,371
It's his right. How's
your brain feeling?
1056
01:23:39,013 --> 01:23:40,279
I can't do this.
1057
01:23:40,281 --> 01:23:42,214
Get out there.
1058
01:23:42,216 --> 01:23:45,084
I don't know what the fuck I'm
supposed to do, guys.
1059
01:24:02,737 --> 01:24:04,770
Things just got interesting.
1060
01:24:04,772 --> 01:24:08,173
Eli Pettifog, the Whittman
Hares star player just stepped
out on the stage.
1061
01:24:08,175 --> 01:24:11,443
That boy has not missed a
question all season long.
1062
01:24:11,445 --> 01:24:12,578
He has got brains.
1063
01:24:12,580 --> 01:24:13,612
Yes.
1064
01:24:13,614 --> 01:24:14,780
He's got hair.
1065
01:24:14,782 --> 01:24:16,782
Where the hell have you been?
1066
01:24:16,784 --> 01:24:17,783
You don't want to know.
1067
01:24:17,785 --> 01:24:19,151
Yes, we do.
1068
01:24:22,757 --> 01:24:28,394
Whittman has produced their
alternate, so let's resume.
1069
01:24:28,396 --> 01:24:30,095
BENNY (ON PHONE): Benny here.
1070
01:24:30,097 --> 01:24:32,097
Benny, it's me, it's Leo. Yeah?
1071
01:24:32,099 --> 01:24:34,500
I want to take the bet back,
the Harvard bet?
1072
01:24:34,502 --> 01:24:38,771
Leo, I never put the bet
through. It doesn't exist. You
should be thanking me.
1073
01:24:42,643 --> 01:24:46,412
Hey, Leo? You're welcome.
1074
01:24:49,450 --> 01:24:51,550
Thank you, Benny.
1075
01:24:51,552 --> 01:24:54,219
Toss up. Who said...
1076
01:24:54,221 --> 01:25:00,392
"A whale ship was my Yale
College and my Harvard"?
1077
01:25:03,097 --> 01:25:04,229
I can't, I can't.
1078
01:25:04,231 --> 01:25:05,264
You better.
1079
01:25:05,266 --> 01:25:06,665
Five seconds.
1080
01:25:06,667 --> 01:25:08,100
Come on, guys.
1081
01:25:08,102 --> 01:25:09,802
I would say Melville.
Then say it.
1082
01:25:09,804 --> 01:25:12,538
Herman Melville.
1083
01:25:12,540 --> 01:25:13,772
That is right.
1084
01:25:18,512 --> 01:25:23,782
For your bonus, at the time of
his death, Herman Melville
was so obscure...
1085
01:25:23,784 --> 01:25:26,685
the New York Times
misidentified him in
his obituary.
1086
01:25:26,687 --> 01:25:27,719
I know this.
1087
01:25:27,721 --> 01:25:29,354
What name did they use?
1088
01:25:29,356 --> 01:25:30,756
Henry Melville.
1089
01:25:30,758 --> 01:25:32,658
That is right.
1090
01:25:38,632 --> 01:25:41,700
Whittman! Go, Whittman!
1091
01:25:43,471 --> 01:25:45,804
We have a tie score.
1092
01:25:45,806 --> 01:25:48,307
I can't believe we're
tied with Harvard.
1093
01:25:48,309 --> 01:25:50,109
I can't believe they're
tied with Harvard.
1094
01:25:50,111 --> 01:25:53,779
I can't believe they're
tied with Harvard.
1095
01:25:56,350 --> 01:26:01,820
This next question will
determine the championship.
1096
01:26:01,822 --> 01:26:08,627
Toss up. Iceland and England
broke off diplomatic
relations in 1976.
1097
01:26:08,629 --> 01:26:11,597
What dispute caused the split?
1098
01:26:17,838 --> 01:26:20,139
Do you know? No.
1099
01:26:22,143 --> 01:26:24,143
20 seconds.
1100
01:26:27,648 --> 01:26:31,583
Dude, come on, Eli, set
yourself free, man.
1101
01:26:38,225 --> 01:26:39,758
Ten seconds.
1102
01:26:49,837 --> 01:26:51,670
Cod? Cod!
1103
01:26:51,672 --> 01:26:53,739
Fishing.
1104
01:26:53,741 --> 01:26:56,375
Rights!
1105
01:27:02,683 --> 01:27:07,252
That is... right!
1106
01:27:12,326 --> 01:27:17,863
It's unbelievable. Harvard goes
down! Harvard goes down!
1107
01:27:17,865 --> 01:27:23,969
The Whittman Warring Hares are
this year's champions of the
Collegiate Mastermind.
1108
01:27:27,374 --> 01:27:28,941
We did it, you guys, we--
1109
01:27:31,812 --> 01:27:33,779
Oh, my god.
1110
01:27:33,781 --> 01:27:39,451
You are the greatest
unbelievable ever now!
1111
01:27:39,453 --> 01:27:42,788
Go to the league office and
tell them we're
getting the shaft.
1112
01:27:42,790 --> 01:27:44,923
They wrote a whole rule book
for moments like this.
1113
01:27:51,365 --> 01:27:52,431
How many stitches did you get?
1114
01:27:52,433 --> 01:27:53,865
Seven.
1115
01:27:53,867 --> 01:27:55,667
Can I take them out when
they're ready?
1116
01:27:55,669 --> 01:27:56,702
Yeah.
1117
01:27:58,439 --> 01:28:00,339
Nice brain.
1118
01:28:00,341 --> 01:28:01,807
You see this brain? Yeah.
1119
01:28:01,809 --> 01:28:03,775
My left ball is bigger
than this brain.
1120
01:28:03,777 --> 01:28:06,945
That's why you're so artistic.
1121
01:28:31,772 --> 01:28:37,276
Shauna, get in the picture.
Yeah, Shauna.
1122
01:28:37,278 --> 01:28:44,316
Yo, Pettifog, tell us how
awesome we are!
1123
01:28:44,318 --> 01:28:47,019
Stop, stop, I'll do the speech.
I'll do a speech.
1124
01:28:47,021 --> 01:28:51,590
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
1125
01:28:51,592 --> 01:28:59,498
I, uh... I'm afraid I have some
unpleasant business
regarding today's final.
1126
01:28:59,500 --> 01:29:03,635
According to Rule 324 of the
book of Collegiate
Mastermind...
1127
01:29:03,637 --> 01:29:08,440
An injured player cannot be
replaced with less than one
minute remaining in a match.
1128
01:29:08,442 --> 01:29:12,577
The team must complete the
match with two players.
1129
01:29:12,579 --> 01:29:16,648
Today Whittman College
broke that rule.
1130
01:29:16,650 --> 01:29:22,321
I'm sorry to have to tell you
that Harvard College...
1131
01:29:22,323 --> 01:29:25,057
is this year's Collegiate
Mastermind champion.
1132
01:29:32,333 --> 01:29:34,866
Excuse me. Excuse me.
1133
01:29:45,412 --> 01:29:48,747
We all know what
happened today.
1134
01:29:48,749 --> 01:29:54,553
We beat Harvard
fair and square.
1135
01:29:54,555 --> 01:29:58,490
But they stole it from us.
1136
01:29:58,492 --> 01:30:01,560
Do you know why?
1137
01:30:01,562 --> 01:30:05,364
Because they fear us.
1138
01:30:05,366 --> 01:30:10,869
We're the beautiful bums. We're
the people's champions.
1139
01:30:17,611 --> 01:30:21,546
So let us be history's secret.
1140
01:31:14,868 --> 01:31:18,770
Are you sure I can do this? I'm
not even a student yet.
1141
01:31:20,507 --> 01:31:24,843
Don't worry, you're with me.
1142
01:31:24,845 --> 01:31:26,611
Ring it.
1143
01:31:52,773 --> 01:31:58,677
Leo? Leo?
1144
01:32:10,224 --> 01:32:12,958
Where's he going?
1145
01:32:12,960 --> 01:32:14,526
Let's go down.
1146
01:32:14,528 --> 01:32:20,198
Hey, Leo! Where are you going?
1147
01:32:20,200 --> 01:32:22,601
Going back to being a civilian.
1148
01:32:22,603 --> 01:32:24,603
You're not a civilian.
1149
01:32:24,605 --> 01:32:29,274
Gonna get a job. I'm gonna pay
for my daughter's education.
1150
01:32:29,276 --> 01:32:36,214
And I'm going to find an
age-appropriate fox,
and I mean that.
1151
01:32:39,853 --> 01:32:43,054
It's been a pleasure making bad
decisions with you.
1152
01:32:43,056 --> 01:32:46,258
I'll miss you, too.
1153
01:33:03,744 --> 01:33:06,177
Take care. Cut your hair.
1154
01:33:30,003 --> 01:33:32,837
Please don't cut your hair.
1155
01:33:32,839 --> 01:33:37,576
Of course, I won't. It
protects my brain.
1156
01:33:38,745 --> 01:33:40,946
What did you say?
1157
01:33:40,948 --> 01:33:44,215
Nothing.
1158
01:34:01,201 --> 01:34:04,269
Excuse me.
1159
01:34:21,755 --> 01:34:22,754
Uh, Miss?
89352
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