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- MAN: Get a move on!
- (HORSE NEIGHING)
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00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,840
WOMAN: Hurry, though.
3
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,840
- BOY: Come on, Granddad.
- Keep up!
4
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,630
Keep moving.
5
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:18,640
You okay?
6
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:24,950
You all right?
7
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,320
Katherine.
8
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,000
Katherine?
9
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:43,880
KATHERINE: Oh, husband that I love,
10
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,880
why do you choose to give in
to such wild grief?
11
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,720
- Katherine!
- Farewell.
12
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:55,310
And do not fail
in your love for our son.
13
00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:57,360
(PANTING)
14
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:06,240
Ah.
15
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:09,870
(GRUNTING)
16
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:25,990
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
17
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(COUGHING)
18
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,270
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
19
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,950
ROB: Morning.
STEVE: Said we'd leave at dawn.
20
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,320
(ROB PANTING)
21
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,910
STEVE: Look at that view.
ROB: Yeah.
22
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:01,470
Rosy-fingered Dawn.
23
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,760
What Homer used to call it,
whenever he mentioned morning.
24
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,960
- Yeah, yeah.
- ROB: Rosy-fingered Dawn.
25
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,440
Ooh!
26
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,240
- (IN DEEP VOICE) Rosie fingered Dawn.
- Oh, I see.
27
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,360
- ROB: Yes.
- Yes.
28
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,480
Rosie and Dawn presumably live
on the island of Lesbos.
29
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,990
- Shut your face. Yes.
- Yes.
30
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:19,590
And I was up at the crack of Dawn.
31
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,960
- Ooh lucky old Dawn, oh.
- There's another one for you there.
32
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,760
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, how far did you run?
33
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,230
Er, 5K. Five kilometres.
34
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,110
That's not bad. More than three miles.
You seem quite out of breath, though.
35
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,110
It's very hilly.
36
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,590
And it's high upward. Very high.
37
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,000
Yeah. Did I tell you about the time
I was in New Mexico at 10,000 feet?
38
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:40,200
Yes, I'm going to get changed.
39
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,040
- Will you get me a cappuccino?
- Yeah.
40
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,190
You have to take more oxygen
to keep your red blood cell up,
41
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,950
that's the only way you can
avoid altitude sickness.
42
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,360
ROB: ♪ I saw my problems
and I seen the light
43
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,600
♪ We got a lovin' thing
44
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,120
♪ We gotta treat it right
45
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:04,030
♪ There ain't no danger
we can go too far
46
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,320
♪ We start believin' now…
47
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,520
Are you singing Grease
because we're in Greece?
48
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,280
♪ Grease is the word
49
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:14,670
♪ They think our love
is just a growin' pain… ♪
50
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,430
You know that Grease
is not about the country Greece?
51
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,560
When I'm in Greece,
I hear the word "Greece",
52
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:20,680
I think Grease.
53
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,230
Yes, but it's not the same thing…
54
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,830
- It's a homophone. It's a homophone.
- No, no, no.
55
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,720
(WHISPERING) How dare you?
56
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,520
How dare you?
57
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,080
I'm not a homophone.
58
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:30,760
- I'm a heterosexualphone.
- I'm a hetero…
59
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,710
I'm not… I'm a human being.
60
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,880
- Erm, good evening.
- STEVE: I'm not a homophone.
61
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,430
(STAMMERS) Erm, look, for me, Steve,
Greece is the word, yes.
62
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,390
It's the word that you heard.
It's got a groove, it's got a meaning.
63
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,240
Greece is the time,
it's the place, it's the motion.
64
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:47,000
Well, Greece is the way we're feeling.
Talk more about that. Expand on that.
65
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:51,040
Erm, do you know who wrote Grease?
66
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,710
Steve Coogan,
did you know who wrote Grease?
67
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,280
- No, I don't know.
- It was Barry Gibb.
68
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,240
I know who a lot of the writers
from ancient Greece are,
69
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,960
but I know that's not as important
to you as who wrote the song Grease.
70
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,400
It was written by Barry Gibb,
71
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,630
because Robert Stigwood,
the Bee Gees manager,
72
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,710
was producing the musical.
73
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:04,870
Now, the original stage musical,
74
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,600
of course,
it didn't have the song Grease.
75
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,350
Robbie said to Barry,
"We're enjoying such great such success
76
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:10,430
"with Saturday Night Fever
77
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,030
- "and the old records."
- (SIGHS)
78
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,160
- The Tragedy of…
- Do you know who wrote that…
79
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,230
Do you know who wrote
80
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,040
there's a friend to everyone,
there is a friend to no one?
81
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,680
Yes, Aristotle.
Now, let me tell you this…
82
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,360
- Only because I told you.
- ROB: No, I knew it already.
83
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,270
(STAMMERING)
84
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,190
(MIMICS STEVE STAMMERING)
My God, Miss Jones.
85
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,440
You know more about, er,
these irrelevant things
86
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,120
like who wrote the song Grease
and these… These trivialities,
87
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:35,760
than anything to do with ancient Greece,
88
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,800
other than what I've spoon-fed you
over the last few days.
89
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,510
♪ Grease is the time
it's the place, it's the motion
90
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:47,590
♪ And Grease is the way we are feeling ♪
91
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:53,360
Here, we're very near Thermopylae,
where the Spartans fought the Persians.
92
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:54,790
STEVE: Yes. Wow!
ROB: Did you know that?
93
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,160
STEVE: Thermopylae…
ROB: Thermopylae was the Greek god
94
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,310
of board games. (CHUCKLES)
95
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:01,350
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
96
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,800
You know, the Greeks thought
Delphi was the centre of the world,
97
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,870
literally the centre
of the Greek world.
98
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,720
- The navel, as it were?
- STEVE: Yes, I think so.
99
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,320
ROB: And they had a… A cave.
100
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,310
Had a woman in a cave
sitting on a tripod,
101
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:22,630
with, erm, smoke coming up
underneath her.
102
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,840
And they believed
that it was the Goddess…
103
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,200
They'd have a prophet there
to interpret, because she would then…
104
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:30,560
The smoke would come up,
and she'd start going… (WARBLING)
105
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,950
And, er, they'd have a prophet
to interpret what she was saying.
106
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,880
And the people believed
that it was Apollo
107
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,160
sending his words up in smoke
through her vagina
108
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,120
and out of her mouth.
109
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,400
And she was the priestess Pythia.
110
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,830
(STEVE SIGHS)
111
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,270
- ROB: What?
- Aren't you gonna make a joke about it?
112
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:50,640
ROB: No.
113
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,630
If I did, it wouldn't be
one of my pithier comments.
114
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,000
Ah, I knew there was something
lurking in there somewhere.
115
00:05:56,080 --> 00:06:00,710
Probably where the phrase,
"Blowing smoke up your arse" comes from.
116
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,360
It was her vagina, not her arse.
117
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,910
I hope you know
the difference by now, Rob.
118
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,640
God help your wife.
119
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,360
I bet she doesn't know
which way to turn.
120
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,270
Now, this here is the stone
121
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,200
that Zeus dropped to signify
the centre of the world.
122
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,240
The navel of the world
just there.
123
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,640
Looks more like a clitoris though,
doesn't it?
124
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,080
It does though,
it looks more like a giant clit…
125
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,520
(STAMMERING)
That's almost certainly deliberate.
126
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:28,440
It is a shrine to the female, to…
To Gaia, Mother Earth, the creative.
127
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,320
And, er, until, of course,
Apollo came along,
128
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:36,000
claimed all the credit for himself,
surprise, surprise.
129
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,390
- It was ever thus, the patriarchy, er…
- It's a lovely spot.
130
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,960
- … claiming credit…
- Very peaceful.
131
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,870
- Very spiritual, isn't it?
- Yeah.
132
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,000
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
133
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,310
ROB: Michelin-starred
Varoulko Seaside
134
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,190
in Piraeus, Athens,
is widely regarded
135
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:06,040
as Greece's top seafood restaurant.
136
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:16,910
Well, it's very nice, isn't it?
137
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,360
This is, er,
not what I expected of Athens.
138
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:20,590
I was thinking hot and dusty,
139
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,350
- not wet and cool.
- Well, this is exactly
140
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,040
what I expected of Athens
because lots of boats
141
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,680
because it was a naval power.
142
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:32,880
The Athenian navy defeated the Persians
in the Battle of Salamis.
143
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,150
- The Battle of Salamis?
- Yeah.
144
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,670
So are you gonna do something
about two guys with salamis
145
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:38,800
hitting each other on the head?
146
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,070
- Yeah.
- Or the fact that salami's
147
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,440
- a bit like cocks?
- Yeah, no,
148
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:42,800
- no, I wasn't gonna go there, but…
- Really?
149
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,160
Well, the Battle of Salamis…
150
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,720
a great Greek army,
a bit gay.
151
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,080
Yeah, but the Battle of, erm,
Marathon not far from here,
152
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:50,640
that wasn't a naval battle, was it?
153
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:51,870
I didn't say all the battles
were naval.
154
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,150
And that's where we get
the marathon from.
155
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,190
- Yes.
- Because the guy, the soldier, came,
156
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,320
he ran from the battle at Marathon
all the way back to Athens.
157
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:00,710
And then, you won't know this…
158
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,310
- STEVE: Yeah.
- … he dropped dead.
159
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:03,590
What did he shout just before he died?
160
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,950
He said, "I've got shooting pains
down my arm
161
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:07,320
"and sort of followed by
a crushing feeling
162
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,790
- "across my chest".
- No, no.
163
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,000
- Nike!
- What? Thank you very much.
164
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,720
- He shouted…
- Red mullet tartar
165
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,840
with bottarga powder and ouzo jellies.
166
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,800
- Thank you very much.
- An Athenian salad
167
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,030
from white grouper,
eggs and brioche crisp.
168
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,040
- Great. Thank you.
- WAITRESS: Enjoy.
169
00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,110
STEVE: Thank you.
170
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,630
Er, he shouted Nike!
171
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,360
He had a sponsorship deal?
He wanted to thank the guys at Nike?
172
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,070
No, he shouted Nike
because Nike is the goddess of victory.
173
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,510
Yeah, there you go, Rob.
Goodbye, mullet,
174
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,160
- or as it's more commonly known…
- Mullet tartar.
175
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:36,710
There we go.
176
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,880
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
177
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,520
Have you ever run a marathon?
178
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,400
No, of course not, no.
179
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,870
- I have.
- ROB: Really?
180
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,550
If you died at the end of a marathon
I would gladly try and resuscitate you.
181
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:52,840
- You know, to the…
182
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,430
What are you doing,
waving goodbye to me?
183
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:55,960
No, I'm pressing your chest,
184
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:57,480
- to the rhythm of Staying Alive.
- That…
185
00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,360
You don't do that. You don't…
That's patting someone on the back.
186
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,510
Arms together, elbows locked.
187
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:07,680
Push down. Thirty chest compressions.
Thirty.
188
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,800
And you count them.
One, two, three, four
189
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,790
- five, six, seven, eight…
- ♪ Staying alive, staying alive… ♪
190
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,000
… nine, ten. Do 30 of those.
191
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,840
♪ Steve's gonna die
Steve's gonna die… ♪
192
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:18,590
- Then two breaths.
- ROB: Yeah.
193
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,080
STEVE: Pinch the nose, head back.
194
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,670
- Two breaths. Not your nose.
- What?
195
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,190
- The nose of the person…
- ROB: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
196
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:25,870
- Head back. Something under his neck.
- We've lost him.
197
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,480
What happened? We've lost him.
198
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,110
But I'm pinching my nose.
199
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,760
Not your nose, you idiot.
200
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,910
Well, it's 'cause you make
people laugh
201
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,150
while losing valuable seconds,
that would be good.
202
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,160
What if you found it funny
and you sprung back to life laughing?
203
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,040
Well, I'd…
I'd have to be conscious
204
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,320
for that to happen.
205
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,630
So, if I'm conscious,
then there's no need to resuscitate me.
206
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,150
- Doesn't make sense.
- I'm banging your chest…
207
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,120
- Can I break a rib?
- Two breaths, then 30 more.
208
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,270
One, two, three, four,
209
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,310
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah
210
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,830
♪ Steve's gonna die, Steve's gonna die ♪
211
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,230
Yeah. And why…
212
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,070
Why do they say do it
to the beat of the Bee Gees? Why?
213
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,230
Because it's the
number of beats per minute it's…
214
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,550
- And how many beats per minute is it?
- One hundred and twenty.
215
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,910
- Yes.
- 'Cause that's the classic disco beat.
216
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,150
STEVE: Yes, I know.
217
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:09,600
Then we've got a very dangerous area
218
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,320
because then it might be time
to try mouth-to-mouth,
219
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,390
and I would not be
comfortable with that.
220
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,470
I'm glad. I'm glad
you wouldn't be comfortable with it.
221
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,350
(STUTTERS) I would find it hard
to press my lips to yours.
222
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,670
I'm glad you wouldn't be comfortable
with it, 'cause I enjoy it more
223
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:26,230
when you don't enjoy it. (LAUGHS)
224
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,030
Marathon Man.
225
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,870
- Hoffman, Dustin Hoffman.
- STEVE: Olivier.
226
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,240
- Very different actors.
- Olivier acts from the outside in.
227
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,390
He's not a method actor. Never was.
228
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,680
(IMITATES OLIVIER)
He likes to look in the mirror
229
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,480
and look like someone different.
230
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,640
And then make that
the basis of his character.
231
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:49,880
(IMITATES HOFFMAN)
Whereas Dustin is…
232
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,240
Dustin would like that.
233
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,440
I think I'm quite like Dustin.
I'm a short actor like Dustin.
234
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,750
Yeah, well, that's Dustin Hoffman.
235
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,120
- Oh. Oh!
- STEVE: Oh, yeah, Dustin.
236
00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:59,920
Mrs Robinson,
are you trying to seduce me?
237
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,190
Are you trying to seduce me,
Mrs Robinson?
238
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,600
Mrs Robinson,
are you trying to seduce me?
239
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,430
ROB: (IN NORMAL VOICE)
Then, what did he choose next?
240
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,270
I'll tell you, Midnight Cowboy.
241
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:09,920
Why did he choose that?
John Schlesinger.
242
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,550
'Cause it was so different.
Who did he play?
243
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,230
- Ratso Rizzo.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
244
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,990
- Who was opposite him? Jon Voight.
- Jon Voight, yeah.
245
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,840
Jon Voight, the Trump supporter,
mad Trump supporter.
246
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,870
We didn't know that then.
Jon Voight says, (IMITATES VOIGHT)
247
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,190
"Well, hell, I'm a hustler.
You didn't know that?"
248
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:23,510
Dustin says, (IMITATES HOFFMAN)
249
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,200
"Well, how am I supposed to know that?
You got to tell a person these things.
250
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,510
"I mean, I understand
a broad starts crying
251
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,080
"and I cut my heart out for her.
252
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,670
- "You need my friend O'Daniel."
- Can you do…
253
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,270
I haven't finished doing it yet.
254
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,030
You need my friend O'Daniel.
255
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,270
- He runs…
- Good. That's very good.
256
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:37,510
I still haven't finished.
257
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,480
You need my friend O'Daniel.
He runs the biggest…
258
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,680
Now I'm getting it wrong
'cause you jumped in my fricking way.
259
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,670
I'm walking here, I'm walking here.
260
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,440
Well, I'm talking here.
Let me finish this thing right now.
261
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,080
You need my friend O'Daniel.
262
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,190
He runs the biggest stable in the
whole goddamn metropolitan area.
263
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,200
It's crazy, a stud like you paying.
264
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,390
- And then there was Tootsie of course.
- I can do that.
265
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,080
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Michael, nobody will employ you.
266
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:02,440
You play the tomato,
they went two days over
267
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:03,840
'cause you wouldn't sit down.
268
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,560
(IMITATES DOROTHY) I'm a woman.
I don't like the way you speak to women.
269
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,190
If you say that again to me
I'm gonna knock your balls
270
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:09,840
right through the roof of your mouth.
271
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,360
- ROB: I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
272
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,470
BOTH: (IN DEEP VOICE)
I'm Michael Dorsey.
273
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,880
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
274
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,600
(IMITATES HOFFMAN)
I'm an excellent driver.
275
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,960
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Yeah, okay. Can you do…
276
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:28,310
Can you do
a Godzilla animation in a film?
277
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,750
- Kind of like the stop-frame animation.
- No.
278
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,550
I can. Watch.
279
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,360
(GRUNTING)
280
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,040
- It's quite good, isn't it?
- I still prefer your Neil Kinnock.
281
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,440
- STEVE: Erm…
- If I had to choose.
282
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:50,670
If I had to choose,
with a gun to my head.
283
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,720
And I can do dubbing in films
284
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,670
- where the voice doesn't match the…
- You've done this before.
285
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:56,830
I know. It's good, though. Watch.
286
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:58,990
- Are you gonna do it?
- STEVE: Yeah. Erm…
287
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:01,750
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Don't be ridiculous.
288
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,190
I've told you time and time again.
289
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,430
Every time you come here,
your voice doesn't suit you at all.
290
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,320
And when you lose your temper
it should be like this,
291
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,200
"Hey, you, you're a fool!"
292
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:16,430
ROB: Fair enough.
293
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,550
In the Marathon Man, of course,
you remember that story
294
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,760
about Dustin wanting to stay
295
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,120
in that scene where he says,
"Is it safe?" Remember?
296
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:25,800
- Is it safe?
- Is it safe?
297
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,200
- Is it safe?
- Dustin had to be
298
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,030
as if he'd been up all night.
299
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:30,550
(IMITATES HOFFMAN)
So, I stayed up all night.
300
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,150
I went to Studio 54.
301
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:36,680
(STAMMERS) He came in all trashed,
and also sweating,
302
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,080
and Laurence Olivier said,
303
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,480
(IMITATES OLIVIER)
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
304
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,350
(IMITATES OLIVIER)
Why don't you try acting?
305
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,030
Why don't you try…
306
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,680
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
307
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,240
Why don't you try acting, dear boy?
308
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,040
- Have you met my friend John Gielgud?
- (BOTH IMITATE GIELGUD)
309
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,590
- Oh, I'm so very sorry.
- Oh, I'm so very sorry.
310
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,270
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Do you know what he said when they…
311
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,800
John Gielgud… When they
decriminalised homosexuality…
312
00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,070
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Decriminalised it?
313
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,310
Yes, they have.
It's, Rob, fill your boots, mate.
314
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,320
Er, in 1967, they decriminalised it.
315
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,440
He went to London,
lent out of the taxi to the policemen,
316
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,720
(IMITATES GIELGUD)
"Arrest us, officer, we're poofs".
317
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,510
(LAUGHING)
318
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,240
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
319
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,640
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Is it safe?
320
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,760
(STAMMERING)
321
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,070
(IMITATES HOFFMAN)
I don't know.
322
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,030
- (IN DEEP VOICE) Is it safe?
- Yes, it's safe.
323
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,070
Yes, it's safe.
Yes, it's very, very safe.
324
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,320
Are you going to be both parts?
325
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,080
- (IMITATES OLIVIER) Is it safe?
- It's safe. It's safe, yeah.
326
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,280
Does this hurt?
327
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,920
- (SNORTING)
- You have a cavity at the back.
328
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:32,990
(BOTH GRUNTING)
329
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,510
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
This is where you got it wrong.
330
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,790
The whole point is
he doesn't go… (GRUNTS) Does he?
331
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,870
- All right.
- That's what makes it scary.
332
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,280
He does it ever so gently.
333
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:42,710
Like… He's like a dentist.
334
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,310
And that's why it's a head…
Because he's so…
335
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,670
Now, try it again, Steve.
I want you for this part.
336
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,630
(IMITATES OLIVIER)
You have a slight cavity there.
337
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,680
- (SNORTING)
- Just…
338
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:53,880
(GRUNTS)
339
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,040
And then you get the oil of cloves.
340
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,430
- Yes, simple oil of cloves.
- But you do it very caringly.
341
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,960
- Very caringly.
- Simple oil of cloves.
342
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:04,080
- (GRUNTING)
- It makes it so much better.
343
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,390
(IMITATES HOFFMAN)
It's not safe, it's not safe.
344
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:08,990
It's very dangerous. Very dangerous.
345
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,230
(STEVE WHIRRING)
346
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:13,310
What are you doing? You're drilling?
347
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,680
- Yeah.
- (WHIRRING)
348
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,040
(EXHALES) I'm light-headed.
349
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,390
Seriously.
350
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,150
Yeah, that was
actually quite good.
351
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,550
It was. I'll do it again.
352
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:27,990
(WHIRRING)
353
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,080
(STEVE SNIGGERING)
354
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,430
And then, from deep inside
Dustin's mouth comes this…
355
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,070
- Oh.
- Comes this, comes this.
356
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,040
(IMITATES TALKING MOLAR)
You have to get me out of here.
357
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,680
I'm a tiny tooth. I can't get out
of Dustin Hoffman's mouth.
358
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:47,990
Oh, my God! I'm a molar…
359
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:49,070
- Erm…
- … and I can't get out
360
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,600
of Dustin's mouth.
361
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,000
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Who do you think you are?
362
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,910
Sitting there,
doing the silly man in a box,
363
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,880
and I've never
heard of this man in a box.
364
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,240
- Why are you doing that?
- ROB: Who are you?
365
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,360
- A man who's been dubbed afterwards.
- ROB: Oh.
366
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,110
(IMITATES TALKING MOLAR) Somebody get me
out of his mouth. I'm a molar.
367
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,550
- I need to get out of his mouth.
- Ugh. He thinks
368
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,310
he's some sort of wise guy,
369
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:09,750
that he's not.
370
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,800
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I just don't know why you're dubbed.
371
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,550
I don't know.
Why are you a small man in a box?
372
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,430
It's a funny notion. I'm not…
373
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,480
- I'm a small tooth in a mouth.
- It's a funny notion that…
374
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,230
It's a funny notion that someone
might walk round
375
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,960
in real life being dubbed.
376
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:24,470
- In this instance…
- STEVE: It makes sense.
377
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:25,630
In this instance…
378
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,760
- STEVE: Why is this more…
- Because we're in a dental setting.
379
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:30,590
And a man's trapped in a box
why in the dentist?
380
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,160
A tooth is trapped in a mouth.
381
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,270
And the tooth talks?
382
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,520
(ROB IMITATES TALKING MOLAR)
383
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:39,750
Well, this is where your claim for logic
falls to the ground, Mr Rob Brydon.
384
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,640
There's no possible way
of offering an explanation for that.
385
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,240
Case dismissed.
386
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,070
Thank you. Ooh.
387
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:58,880
WAITER: For you,
we have Orzo pasta with shrimps,
388
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,600
with a sweet wine from Limnos.
389
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,790
And for you, grilled apple jack
on risotto with shitake mushrooms.
390
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,680
- Thank you.
- STEVE: Thank you very much.
391
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,630
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
392
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,590
- That's lovely.
- Mmm!
393
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:12,750
- ROB: Good?
- Mmm.
394
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,190
- High priestess of Delphi.
- ROB: Pythia.
395
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:18,750
STEVE: She, er, said of Socrates
396
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,990
that he was the wisest man alive.
397
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,720
Socrates, of course,
was forced to kill himself.
398
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,710
Yeah. Imagine that,
to be actually forced…
399
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,080
You're gonna die…
400
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,440
- Yeah.
- … but you got to do it yourself.
401
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,040
- All right?
- STEVE: Yeah, yeah. Mmm.
402
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,710
Choose your technique.
Choose your method.
403
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,680
- What would yours be?
- Erm, well…
404
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,670
(IMITATES MICHAEL PARKINSON) Welcome
Steve Coogan on to the show.
405
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,800
- He killed himself by drinking hemlock.
- STEVE: Yes, that's right.
406
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,550
But tonight,
on our very special Parkinson…
407
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,190
Steve Coogan on the show with us,
and he's gonna take his own life.
408
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,190
I know a lot of you
are very excited about this tonight,
409
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:48,270
but, Steve, which method
are you gonna choose?
410
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:52,560
He was tried and found guilty
of corrupting the youth of Athens.
411
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,510
Very appropriate for you tonight, Steve.
412
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,880
(STAMMERING)
413
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,030
Which method are you gonna choose?
414
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,630
We have a lot of suggestions
from our viewers.
415
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,790
I wasn't corrupting
the youth, er, Michael,
416
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,680
I was simply encouraging young people
417
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,070
to question received wisdom,
418
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,040
to question the establishment,
to question…
419
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,560
- You've been found guilty…
- The misinformation
420
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,720
that is spoon-fed to them
by a media
421
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,950
that's controlled by five billionaires.
422
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,870
Instead of just lapping it up
like morons,
423
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:20,870
and regurgitating
the same distorted shit
424
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,030
that is fed to them by people
who try to propagate a system…
425
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,160
- Steve Coogan is with us.
- … that preserves…
426
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,390
- And if you've just tuned in…
- … a small amount of money
427
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:30,230
- in the hands of a few people…
- Steve, shut up.
428
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,720
- He's gonna be taking…
- Not letting them…
429
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,360
Steve, put a lid on it.
430
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,160
If you just joined us,
Steve Coogan is with us.
431
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,710
The wonderful Steve Coogan.
The Alan Partridge DVD now in the shops.
432
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,390
We said we'd mention that, and we have.
433
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,520
Er, Steve is gonna be taking
his own life on the show tonight.
434
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:46,160
So, Steve, let's look at some
of the methods you might go for.
435
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,470
(STAMMERING) What do you favour?
436
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:54,230
Seneca was forced by Nero
to kill himself,
437
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,400
and he slashed his wrists.
438
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,710
But it took so long to die,
he just got in a hot bath,
439
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,310
and his wife wanted to join him.
440
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,950
If you want your wife to come
and supervise…
441
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:06,430
Estranged wife, of course. But, erm,
I dare say she'd like to see it
442
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,870
just to be 100% sure,
443
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,350
we could arrange,
and have her here if you like.
444
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,520
STEVE: What do you think
people in this restaurant think?
445
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,880
Because you've been doing that voice
for quite a few minutes now.
446
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,030
They think Michael Parkinson's
looking very well.
447
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,710
They don't, because they heard you
talking normally
448
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,080
before you started doing
the Michael voice.
449
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,960
- They must think…
- They probably thought the same
450
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,030
as when you tried
to do Laurence Olivier.
451
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,350
I only did it for about a minute,
you've been doing it for ages.
452
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:30,870
(VOCALISING)
453
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:31,950
(MIMICS DRILL WHIRRING)
454
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,600
(IMITATES TALKING MOLAR)
Somebody help me.
455
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:38,960
I can't get out of the mouth
of Dustin Hoffman.
456
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,350
I'm really stuck in here.
I'm a tiny tooth.
457
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:42,790
(IN DEEP VOICE)
Who do you think you are?
458
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,350
You come in here
doing these stupid voices.
459
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,590
No one even cares who you are.
(CHUCKLES)
460
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,600
ROB: (IN NORMAL VOICE)
If you did a film about Socrates,
461
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,320
you'd had to have an Olivier.
462
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,230
A proper classically trained actor.
463
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,670
- You would not…
- I could do it.
464
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,070
No.
465
00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,520
The BAFTA nominations
for Best Actor are,
466
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,910
Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale,
467
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:08,070
Rami Malek, Viggo Mortensen
and Steve Coogan, all right?
468
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,200
- That…
- Have you memorised it?
469
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,590
- Aw.
- No, I just remember the names.
470
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,720
So, Rob… Rob, Rob, Rob.
471
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,070
So, your contention
that I'm not a good actor
472
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,880
just evaporates in that one sentence.
473
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,360
I think you're a very, very good actor,
but you're never gonna play Socrates.
474
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,390
I've got as much
a claim to play Socrates
475
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:25,630
as any actor of my generation
476
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,840
once I get a little older,
like the actors of my generation.
477
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,440
I think you look old enough.
I just don't think you've got the…
478
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,080
Of course I have.
479
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,960
I think you know deep down.
I think you know deep down.
480
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,840
I mean, I will say, love,
481
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,670
casting… You know, casting Coogan.
482
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,720
I mean, I'm glad of the work.
Of course I am.
483
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,160
I'm playing a spear carrier,
and it's a lot of fun.
484
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,520
- But putting the comic…
- You are being yourself now, aren't you?
485
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,560
- Yes.
- The real Rob as the spear carrier?
486
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,070
- The real me.
- Right. If I was playing Socrates,
487
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,880
yes, it's likely
you'll be a spear carrier.
488
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:55,440
He's on his fucking mobile telephone,
his device all the time.
489
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,360
He's got his assistant
coming back and forth,
490
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,720
bringing him heaven knows what.
491
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,470
I mean, there are the different women
that he's approaching.
492
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,150
Very inappropriate.
Some of them young enough
493
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,760
to be not just his daughter,
but his granddaughter.
494
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,710
And please don't get me started
on his cars.
495
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,950
If I have to feign interest in his
fucking Aston Martin one more time…
496
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,560
Excuse me.
Could you move out of the way, please?
497
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,030
Mr Coogan's coming through.
(STAMMERS) Can all background artists
498
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,710
please move over to the side?
499
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,480
Good on you, Steve. I thought
you did that last scene ever so well.
500
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,920
- Hello. Eh, what's your name?
- Godfrey Manning.
501
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,590
Oh, really? Oh. Have you been
in the theatre a long time?
502
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,040
Yes. I started out with Joan Littlewood,
503
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,030
- I did several years at the National…
- Marvellous.
504
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:36,520
- Lot of touring.
- I've got to go now.
505
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,430
But it's great to have you here,
and, er…
506
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,910
And I hope
you enjoy, er, working with me.
507
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,910
Thank you, Steve. Good on you, mate.
508
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,910
And I loved Stan & Ollie.
509
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:49,600
What an absolute arse of a man.
The conceit of the man.
510
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,430
Can you keep it down, please?
511
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,240
(STAMMERING)
Mr Coogan wants to run his lines.
512
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,240
He wants to run his lines?
513
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,440
I mean, I arrive on set,
I know my lines.
514
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,470
- Because you have one line.
- And here it is.
515
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,320
- Yes, My Lord.
- Yes.
516
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,680
(STAMMERING)
And I say it with conviction.
517
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:05,440
You walked round your apartment
all night, didn't you?
518
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,360
- Yes.
- You walked round the hostel all night?
519
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,240
Yes, My Lord. It's not a hostel,
520
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:10,560
- it's a retirement home.
- Yes, My Lord.
521
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,710
Yes, My Lord. Yes, My Lord.
522
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,390
Well, that's the thing,
he doesn't know his lines.
523
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,550
You see, in his line of work,
he has them fed
524
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,990
into an earpiece, you see?
525
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,670
So, he has no training…
526
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,750
He's not even done theatre
like Brydon's done.
527
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,160
I mean, say what you like about Brydon,
528
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:26,040
he's worked at the Vic,
he's worked in the West End.
529
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:28,190
He's done it.
Oh, no, Coogan did do theatre.
530
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,000
- Yes.
- When was it? '96? '97?
531
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,400
- When was it?
- It's curious, isn't it,
532
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,760
you've done all that theatre,
and yet…
533
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:38,720
And yet, something's not…
534
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,200
Isn't quite…
535
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:41,870
Ah. Yeah.
536
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,950
Oh, well.
Yeah, but keep at it. Keep at it.
537
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,710
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
538
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,120
WAITER: You're welcome, sir.
539
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,640
So, it's your first visit
in our hotel, sir?
540
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,360
- Er, first visit to this hotel, yes.
- Yeah.
541
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,400
But I've been to Athens
a couple of times before.
542
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:57,390
- WOMAN: Hello.
- Hello. How are you?
543
00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,270
Nice to hear your voice.
544
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,030
Hey, Greg. How are you doing?
545
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,440
GREG: I'm doing good.
How are you?
546
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:04,000
Er, good, good. Yeah, great.
547
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,430
How's Rob?
Is he keeping you on your toes?
548
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,110
He's a very…
He's a very funny man.
549
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:08,870
(CHUCKLES)
Really does make me laugh.
550
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,800
Yes, he's very funny.
551
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,280
What… What can I do for you?
552
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,470
Is there any news
on the Damien Chazelle film?
553
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:18,270
Yes. Er, it's a no,
I'm afraid, from them.
554
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:20,240
You know what? They loved you.
555
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,630
They thought what you did
was absolutely fantastic.
556
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,750
I cried, and, er, I did the whole…
I mean, I did the whole bit.
557
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,950
Yeah. No, the crying was great.
558
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,440
They mentioned that.
They loved it.
559
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,360
Listen, I've had an idea.
560
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,670
Why don't you at the end of this,
which is Ithaca,
561
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:38,910
why don't you come out,
562
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,280
and you and I could have
a few days together?
563
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:44,110
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
564
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,070
ROB: Nice.
565
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,440
I wouldn't say it's nice,
I would say it's spectacular.
566
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,160
Have you read this?
Very good. Surprisingly moving.
567
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,590
Yes. Yes, I have.
568
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,910
ROB: You see Plato,
tell him he's a very good writer.
569
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,320
I will.
570
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,910
Come on. Time waits for no man.
571
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,240
Parthenon will be rammed.
572
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,640
The best thing about Socrates
was that he wasn't sentimental.
573
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,470
He had three sons,
but at his trial, he said,
574
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:30,000
"I'm not going to produce them here.
Beseech you to acquit me,"
575
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:32,510
which is in stark contrast
576
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:36,750
to the indulgent sentimentality
that we have these days.
577
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,760
He said, erm,
578
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,200
"Anyone who stages these pathetic scenes
579
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,320
"should be more likely to be condemned
than if he kept perfectly quiet".
580
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,360
"And now, it is time to be off.
581
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:55,560
"I to die, you to live.
582
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,160
"But which of us
has the happier prospect
583
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,800
"no one can know but God."
584
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,910
The jailer tells Socrates
it's time to take the hemlock.
585
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,150
"I have come to know during this time
586
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,120
"that you are the noblest, the gentlest,
587
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,430
"and the bravest of all the men
that have ever come here".
588
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,840
Socrates tells his friends
to get the hemlock.
589
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,640
Crito brings him the poison.
590
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:33,960
His friends began to cry.
591
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,670
Socrates began to walk round,
592
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:43,990
waiting for his legs to gain weight,
to become heavy.
593
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,960
He walked in a small circle.
594
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,150
Then, he came back and he lay down.
595
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:55,670
Lie down.
596
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,670
That's it. He covered his face.
597
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,400
The poison man checked his legs.
598
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:05,680
STEVE: Ow!
599
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,960
- Can you feel that?
- STEVE: No.
600
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:12,480
When it reaches Socrates' heart,
he shall die.
601
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:15,430
(STEVE GROANS)
602
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:23,590
Crito, I think we should
offer up a cock to Asclepius.
603
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,910
See that it's done. Don't forget.
604
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,230
And those were his last words.
605
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,670
Very… Very poor last words,
606
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,720
I would say, for the greatest
philosopher of all time.
607
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:35,840
- Yes.
- Don't you think?
608
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,590
- Yes, I do.
- You got yours ready?
609
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,800
"Well, last words are for fools
who haven't said enough".
610
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:43,230
Karl Marx
611
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,960
"This is no way to live,"
Groucho Marx.
612
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,240
Beethoven said,
613
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,760
"Friends, applaud
for the comedy is finished".
614
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,550
That would work for you, wouldn't it?
615
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,400
Anyway, back to Socrates.
Lie down. Cover your face.
616
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:02,320
Beethoven wasn't really known
for comedy, though, was he?
617
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,070
ROB: Lie down.
Cover your face. Right.
618
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,310
The poison man pulled
619
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:12,390
the jersey off his face.
620
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:17,160
And Socrates' eyes were fixed
on the skies. Mouth agape.
621
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,280
The poison man
very gently shut the eyes,
622
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:21,950
closed the mouth, didn't touch the lips.
623
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:23,640
Nothing to worry about.
624
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,840
(BELL TOLLING)
625
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:27,670
(WHISPERING)
The bell's ringing. Brilliant.
626
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,830
"This, Echecrates,
was the end of our comrade,
627
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:34,240
"who was, we may fairly say,
628
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,760
"of all those
whom we knew in our time,
629
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,080
"the bravest, and also the wisest,
630
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:41,800
"and the most just".
631
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:48,430
That's it.
632
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,630
Quite moving, I think,
for people who've been watching.
633
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,280
We could take that round to schools.
634
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,350
I'd like to see you in something…
635
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:00,750
In something with a lot of weight to it.
636
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,200
I know you did, erm,
Night at the Museum,
637
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,190
but I mean, something that isn't…
638
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:07,560
I'm paying you a compliment.
639
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:08,760
(STEVE SIGHS)
51542
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