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1
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,620
as per "uush."
2
00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:18,160
‐ Oh, you mean something awesome
you tattle on me for?
3
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:19,160
‐ I'm no snitch!
4
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,170
‐ Then why are you getting stitches?
5
00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:23,030
[both arguing]
6
00:00:24,330 --> 00:00:26,620
You both ruined the school year
with your weird science.
7
00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:29,260
‐ You trapped the chess team
in an alternative dimension,
8
00:00:29,250 --> 00:00:31,540
reanimated all the fetal pigs,
and we can't prove this,
9
00:00:31,550 --> 00:00:35,390
but we're reasonably confident that
you gave Miss Kim a three‐month period
10
00:00:35,390 --> 00:00:36,930
after she took away your glowing orb.
11
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,010
‐ Die! Die! Die!
‐ No, you don't. No, you don't.
12
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,680
‐ Yumyulack, out of 180 days
of school this year,
13
00:00:43,690 --> 00:00:45,690
you've been late 179 times.
14
00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:55,830
then you will be expelled.
15
00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:58,360
Which means you'll have
to go to military school,
16
00:00:58,370 --> 00:01:00,460
where the bullies will fuck you.
17
00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:08,700
‐ Then don't fuck up!
18
00:01:13,670 --> 00:01:16,300
I dump a Dixie cup worth
of fuck juice in my pants
19
00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:18,380
every time you put something
on their permanent record.
20
00:01:18,390 --> 00:01:20,850
Oh, that shit follows them to college.
21
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,010
‐ Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz.
22
00:01:24,020 --> 00:01:26,230
‐ Oh, what the fu‐‐!
23
00:01:26,730 --> 00:01:27,770
KORVO:
Terry, a‐a little help.
24
00:01:28,190 --> 00:01:29,320
[Terry sighs]
Really,
25
00:01:30,610 --> 00:01:33,160
‐ Ohh, I'm limiting myself
to three neck movements a day.
26
00:01:33,150 --> 00:01:34,020
I only got one left.
27
00:01:35,490 --> 00:01:37,030
the lavatic reactor needs more Aa,
28
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,540
and you paired your phone
to the ship stereo
29
00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:39,860
and I don't know how to get it off.
30
00:01:39,870 --> 00:01:42,370
If I have to listen to the "Gone
in 60 Seconds" soundtrack one more time‐‐
31
00:01:43,790 --> 00:01:45,960
‐ Just zap yourself with the smart ray.
32
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,000
It takes one second.
33
00:01:49,540 --> 00:01:50,580
Wait. Wh‐what are you doing?
34
00:01:51,090 --> 00:01:53,380
‐ Terry, get back here.
Let me shoot you with the smart ray.
35
00:01:54,550 --> 00:01:55,550
[electricity zaps]
36
00:01:56,470 --> 00:01:57,680
‐ Ha ha!
‐ Terry!
37
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,310
‐ I didn't know it would break that easy.
38
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:02,010
‐ Hey, can you please trap Jesse
in the hell dimension? She sucks ass.
39
00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:04,720
‐ No. That dimension is for work enemies
and Ansel Elgort only.
40
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,550
And for trash when we forget
to put the bin out.
41
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:10,520
And they for sure figured out
that shit with the orb.
42
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,060
‐ Can I just quit school?
What does it matter anyway?
43
00:02:13,070 --> 00:02:15,910
The Pupa is gonna evolve into
its true form and destroy this planet.
44
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:17,860
Can't I just watch TV until that happens?
45
00:02:17,860 --> 00:02:19,940
‐ Pepsi.
‐ L‐look, this thing is unpredictable.
46
00:02:19,950 --> 00:02:21,620
It could go off in a week or in a year.
47
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:23,540
It just said "Pepsi."
Who knows what's going on with it.
48
00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:25,670
‐ Goddammit, Terry, you're supposed
to know. You're the Pupa specialist.
49
00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:27,030
‐ Whatever.
‐ All right, you two, listen,
50
00:02:29,170 --> 00:02:31,420
and being smart is more important
than anything else ever.
51
00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:33,300
‐ Counterpoint: Korvo's stupid.
52
00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:35,420
School is important 'cause it's super‐fun
53
00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:36,460
and the stakes are super‐low
54
00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:39,880
and there's tons of hot people there
who want to party‐slash‐do finger stuff.
55
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,060
‐ Heck yeah, dum‐dums, school rules!
56
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,980
‐ There is?
‐ Yes, we could go there.
57
00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:52,110
We could get smart
and compete for the teacher's approval.
58
00:02:52,110 --> 00:02:53,820
‐ Or we could meet cool girls,
join a frat,
59
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:54,780
and never work on the ship.
60
00:02:54,770 --> 00:02:56,940
‐ Or you could learn responsibility,
become a better person,
61
00:02:56,940 --> 00:02:58,270
and help me with the ship.
62
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,330
‐ Terry and Korvo, going to school
for the exact same reasons.
63
00:03:02,370 --> 00:03:04,410
KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
64
00:03:04,830 --> 00:03:06,290
Until the asteroid hit.
65
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:10,030
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
66
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,000
and escaped into, uh, the space,
67
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,380
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
68
00:03:15,130 --> 00:03:18,140
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
69
00:03:18,130 --> 00:03:19,750
That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
70
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,560
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
71
00:03:21,550 --> 00:03:23,960
This is‐‐ this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
72
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,430
[stammers]
This is ridiculous.
73
00:03:25,430 --> 00:03:27,350
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
74
00:03:27,350 --> 00:03:28,350
People are stupid.
75
00:03:28,350 --> 00:03:30,020
The second you point out
Christ was an alien,
76
00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,650
they get all wound up
and start yelling at you,
77
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,140
even though he did a bunch of alien stuff.
78
00:03:33,150 --> 00:03:35,240
Get with it. It's‐‐ it's no big duh.
79
00:03:43,410 --> 00:03:45,160
‐ Hey, do I look cool?
I think I look cool.
80
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,290
First day of school, baby. Whoo!
‐ Terry, stop acting like a spaz
81
00:03:48,370 --> 00:03:49,960
‐ Spooky robes are not cool.
82
00:03:49,950 --> 00:03:51,740
‐ You're just jealous of my swish.
83
00:03:51,750 --> 00:03:53,300
[robe swishing]
84
00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:58,130
Maybe this will stop you
from being lazy all the time.
85
00:03:58,130 --> 00:03:59,590
‐ You know, I'm not gonna
even respond to that
86
00:03:59,590 --> 00:04:01,300
because I'm too lazy
to think of a response.
87
00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,930
‐ Then why in God's name are you
so excited to be at the school?
88
00:04:03,930 --> 00:04:05,600
‐ Because I love classic college movies,
89
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,310
like "Monsters University,"
"PCU," and "The Skulls."
90
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:11,360
My plan is to do cool movie stuff
and then just cheat off you
91
00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:12,350
at the end of the semester.
92
00:04:12,350 --> 00:04:14,810
‐ You know, you need to learn to not take
shortcuts all the time, Terry.
93
00:04:14,810 --> 00:04:17,060
How's that for me teeing up
an episode arc for your character?
94
00:04:17,070 --> 00:04:19,200
‐ You're the one who wanted me
to zap myself with the smart gun.
95
00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:23,690
‐ No, I won the argument.
Better hurry or you're gonna be late.
96
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:25,200
And then you'll have
to take a shortcut to class,
97
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,540
and I know how much you hate those.
[school bell ringing]
98
00:04:27,530 --> 00:04:29,280
I like my notes in blue ink!
99
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,960
‐ Make way for my peep, beggar!
100
00:04:36,250 --> 00:04:38,370
‐ Not so fast!
[grunts]
101
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:39,720
Get his bag.
SONNY: What the hell?
102
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:45,100
‐ Well, this is interesting.
‐ That belongs to The Duke.
103
00:04:45,090 --> 00:04:47,760
‐ Not anymore.
‐ You're dead! You're all dead!
104
00:04:49,510 --> 00:04:51,640
‐ No! We don't kill.
[Sonny gagging]
105
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,890
That's what separates us
from the people that do kill.
106
00:04:54,890 --> 00:04:56,810
We don't‐‐ We do the opposite
of what they do.
107
00:04:56,810 --> 00:04:58,520
In terms of killing, we don't.
108
00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,600
Got it?
[grunts]
109
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,740
JESSE: [voice echoing] Hello!
110
00:05:05,990 --> 00:05:06,910
‐ Today's been a great day.
111
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,320
and I didn't have to hide in the bathroom
and pretend to have a butthole.
112
00:05:10,330 --> 00:05:12,210
‐ Yeah, because nobody's here.
‐ Wait, what?
113
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,340
Oh my God. I didn't even notice.
What the hell?
114
00:05:18,460 --> 00:05:21,840
Principal Cooke is trying to see
if we'll be late or go to class
115
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,550
even when nobody's watching us.
116
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,680
An intense psychological mind game,
117
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,480
not unlike the Academy award‐winning film
"Suicide Squad."
118
00:05:32,140 --> 00:05:33,940
‐ You don't get in my way, buster.
119
00:05:33,930 --> 00:05:36,560
‐ This is about to be
the most epic challenge of our lives.
120
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,020
I don't want you messing me up.
121
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:40,230
[ringing]
122
00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:44,020
♪ ominous music playing ♪
123
00:05:45,110 --> 00:05:47,150
[school bell rings]
124
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,410
‐ [crunching]
‐ [slurping]
125
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,370
[school bell rings]
126
00:05:52,370 --> 00:05:55,210
[shoes squeaking]
127
00:05:58,210 --> 00:06:01,220
‐ His name was Charles Paulson Ginsburg,
128
00:06:01,210 --> 00:06:05,460
but you may know him as the father
of the video cassette recorder.
129
00:06:05,470 --> 00:06:07,930
I know him as the father of me.
130
00:06:07,930 --> 00:06:09,140
[laughs]
131
00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:12,140
‐ Kegger at my place tonight.
Real college experience.
132
00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:14,390
Beers and shots and we might
even steal a police horse.
133
00:06:14,390 --> 00:06:15,600
‐ I'd have to get a baby‐sitter.
134
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,610
‐ Well, bring them kids, girl.
We don't ID at Casa de Terry's.
135
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,350
‐ Terry, shut up.
136
00:06:19,350 --> 00:06:22,060
‐ Delores, you gonna come
and get tore up at my party?
137
00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:25,360
‐ I have to go home and watch "NCIS."
138
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,530
‐This sucks.
139
00:06:26,530 --> 00:06:29,740
No one's appreciated or even mentioned
that I'm dressed exactly like Van Wilder,
140
00:06:29,740 --> 00:06:31,830
you know, the mentor of Taj.
‐ Will you please pay attention?
141
00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:34,150
‐ That's your job. Mine is to be awesome.
142
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,870
‐ I just missed what the C in VCR means.
143
00:06:35,870 --> 00:06:37,710
It could mean anything.
‐ Man, this is bullshit.
144
00:06:37,710 --> 00:06:39,550
College is supposed to be
about partying all night
145
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:41,500
and getting into legal trouble
but my dad's a lawyer,
146
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,410
so I'm walking away scot‐free.
147
00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:48,960
Ohh! Hey, hey, whoa, look out!
148
00:06:48,970 --> 00:06:49,970
Hey, I'm the Frisbee guy.
149
00:06:49,970 --> 00:06:51,970
‐ Now let's say I have
to repair a DVD player.
150
00:06:51,970 --> 00:06:53,270
Is that the same as the VCR?
151
00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:55,720
‐ Ohh, I wish I knew it.
152
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,350
‐ Terry, stop it. Nobody likes Frisbee.
You look like an idiot.
153
00:06:58,350 --> 00:07:00,680
‐ Hey, does the Frisbee match the drapes?
154
00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:02,610
‐ I don't know, do you have
the balls to find out?
155
00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:07,150
♪
156
00:07:09,070 --> 00:07:11,330
‐ Thank God we got the mattress
with the fabric‐encased coils.
157
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,320
Otherwise, I'd be bouncing
all over the place.
158
00:07:17,830 --> 00:07:20,290
‐ Oh yeah, I was out all night
looking for a party.
159
00:07:20,290 --> 00:07:22,340
Rumor had it the swim team
was raging at The Rock
160
00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:23,950
but it was just two homeless guys dancing.
161
00:07:27,050 --> 00:07:29,760
‐ I'm in the middle of this
complicated psychological test
162
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,430
not unlike the Academy award‐wining film
"Suicide Squad."
163
00:07:32,430 --> 00:07:35,310
‐ Yeah. And none of the teachers are there
to tell us what to do.
164
00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:36,980
‐ I'm sure that's all part of the test.
165
00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:38,930
Probably just trying to get you
to think outside the box.
166
00:07:40,770 --> 00:07:42,270
but instead of thinking outside the box,
167
00:07:42,270 --> 00:07:43,610
maybe they should be thinking
outside the‐‐
168
00:07:48,780 --> 00:07:50,120
but you know what we have to do.
169
00:07:50,110 --> 00:07:50,860
‐ Knife fight!
170
00:07:50,860 --> 00:07:52,980
‐ No, we can't hate each other
like siblings.
171
00:07:52,990 --> 00:07:55,370
We have to hate each other academically.
172
00:07:55,370 --> 00:07:57,660
We have to be each other's teachers.
173
00:07:57,660 --> 00:08:00,420
‐ Well, then look to your left
and look to your right, motherfucker,
174
00:08:00,410 --> 00:08:02,830
'cause I'm about to matriculate your ass.
175
00:08:06,090 --> 00:08:08,930
Food caches, secret passages, and ugh,
176
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:11,540
he has his own personal '50s diner
called Bop Bops.
177
00:08:11,550 --> 00:08:14,260
‐ We can empty the stockpile
and redistribute to the rest of the wall.
178
00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:17,140
It's the perfect crime.
179
00:08:17,140 --> 00:08:18,810
‐ Just like in "Ocean's Thirteen."
180
00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:24,320
‐ Guys, he was also great on "Friends."
181
00:08:24,310 --> 00:08:26,100
[school bell rings]
182
00:08:31,650 --> 00:08:33,900
I am gonna get real with you.
183
00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:37,960
I bet you didn't know
Shakespeare was the original rapper.
184
00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,780
‐ Oh, did Shakespeare live
on Sedgwick Avenue
185
00:08:39,790 --> 00:08:42,670
with DJ Kool Herc in the Bronx
five years before the Son of Sam?
186
00:08:42,660 --> 00:08:45,410
‐ Yeah, sure, that's why
Shakespeare's writing is like rap.
187
00:08:45,420 --> 00:08:47,710
Plus he made a bunch of money
and sampled other playwrights
188
00:08:47,710 --> 00:08:48,720
without giving them any credit.
189
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:55,100
‐ My tough‐yet‐relatable teaching style
is breaking through your emotional armor.
190
00:08:55,090 --> 00:08:56,130
‐ And how.
191
00:08:58,010 --> 00:09:02,010
♪ drumline music playing ♪
192
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,510
‐ Aah!
[crashing]
193
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,240
‐ Terry, I'm trying to study,
which is what you should be doing.
194
00:09:08,230 --> 00:09:10,440
‐ I am. I'm studying
how to get into a drumline,
195
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:11,480
like in that movie "Whiplash."
196
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,560
‐ Do you have any idea what happens
if you fail out of school, Terry?
197
00:09:13,570 --> 00:09:15,910
‐ I assume it's some type
of spanking situation.
198
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:19,150
Instead, you've left me no other choice.
199
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:23,080
no more video games, and no more Hulu,
200
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,500
the subscription‐based service.
201
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:26,170
‐ But Netflix doesn't have
the Hulu production
202
00:09:26,170 --> 00:09:28,760
of the Hulu presentation
of "The Looming Tower."
203
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:31,370
How do I know what happens
about "The Looming Tower," Korvo.
204
00:09:31,380 --> 00:09:32,470
‐ That's the only way you'll learn.
205
00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:34,750
‐ Can't you just make me glasses that
allow me to see through people's bodies
206
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:35,760
so I can cheat off of them.
207
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,930
Wait, no, I‐I'm not helping you
cut corners anymore.
208
00:09:39,930 --> 00:09:42,560
You have to do this on your own.
That's that arc popping its head up again.
209
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,650
‐ Argh! Okay. Fine.
210
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,430
I'll go get my books.
211
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,150
Dammit, I can't even shoot myself
with the smart ray.
212
00:09:49,150 --> 00:09:50,320
What am I gonna do?
213
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:52,240
Pupa, you know you can't play
with the dumb ray.
214
00:09:55,990 --> 00:09:57,370
Like me.
215
00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:00,290
‐ Hah! This human math
is honestly very easy.
216
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,450
They haven't even found the number
that comes before zero.
217
00:10:02,450 --> 00:10:04,530
What are you doing with the dumb ray?
‐ I'm holding it.
218
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,170
Get dumb, motherfucker.
219
00:10:06,660 --> 00:10:08,580
‐ Terry, we're only supposed
to use that in emergencies,
220
00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:09,620
when we're overthinking things.
221
00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:10,760
‐ That's what's happening right now.
222
00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:13,120
‐ Please don't make me dumb. None of
my podcasts are gonna make any sense.
223
00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:15,010
‐ If you're dumb and I'm dumb,
then we can be dumb together.
224
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:16,220
‐ But that plan is dumb.
225
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:17,600
[grunts]
Ow!
226
00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:20,420
‐ Oh my gosh, Korvo. Are you okay?
227
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:24,190
[zapping]
228
00:10:26,730 --> 00:10:30,110
[Korvo moaning]
Hey, bud, how you feeling?
229
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,230
Are you dumb now?
230
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:32,850
‐ I wanna watch
the "Look Who's Talking" trilogy
231
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:34,150
and eat hot dogs with ketchup.
232
00:10:34,150 --> 00:10:35,700
‐ Yeah! Dab it!
233
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,200
♪
234
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,120
‐ I love getting beer in my body
as fast as I can.
235
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,200
‐ Preaching to the choir, bro.
236
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,000
‐ Do you wanna buy everything
on the McDonald's menu
237
00:10:43,990 --> 00:10:45,530
and smoosh it together into a big ball
238
00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:47,130
and then eat it with a knife
and fork with me?
239
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,300
‐ 2Pac is like oxygen
240
00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:53,830
because we need him to live,
241
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,800
while Sisqo is more like plutonium
242
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,930
because he was kinda just
a one‐hit wonder
243
00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,000
that we've forgotten about.
244
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,390
‐ That's the most rap thing
you've said all day.
245
00:11:05,390 --> 00:11:06,310
A plus.
[school bell rings]
246
00:11:06,310 --> 00:11:08,980
Oh crap. We're running out of time.
It's my turn. Teach me now.
247
00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:10,730
‐ Well, welcome to English 101.
248
00:11:10,730 --> 00:11:12,400
Everyone, pick up your textbook.
249
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,190
Now throw it out!
250
00:11:14,190 --> 00:11:16,240
We won't be needing it.
I teach from the heart.
251
00:11:16,230 --> 00:11:19,020
[Jesse grunts]
Wait. Actually, go grab it from the trash.
252
00:11:19,030 --> 00:11:21,580
Yeah, we're gonna rely heavily
on the text.
253
00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:24,500
Now throw it out!
‐ Oh, come on!
254
00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:25,740
KORVO:
Rager at our place.
255
00:11:26,290 --> 00:11:29,210
Party starts at triple question marks
and goes till 2:00 a. m.
256
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,540
[scratching]
257
00:11:39,170 --> 00:11:40,790
[grunting]
258
00:11:45,310 --> 00:11:48,770
[grunting and panting]
259
00:11:50,270 --> 00:11:51,730
Spider! Nobody move.
260
00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:53,070
[growling]
261
00:11:56,860 --> 00:11:58,110
Fuck you, spider.
262
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,410
♪ hip‐hop music playing ♪
263
00:12:03,410 --> 00:12:05,750
‐ Ugh, why did we start the party
at triple question mark?
264
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:07,070
People have been rolling in all day.
265
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,670
‐ Who wants to see me smash this bottle.
266
00:12:08,660 --> 00:12:09,700
‐ [all cheering]
‐ [bottle shatters]
267
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:10,490
‐ Yeah!
268
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,840
‐ Touch my robes.
Someone touch my fucking robes.
269
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,720
‐ Okay, I got a 95, you got a 33.
270
00:12:16,710 --> 00:12:19,790
Ah, we passed, and we were
at school every single day.
271
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,260
‐ Yeah, we did it!
‐ Yay!
272
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,810
I said we were here every day!
273
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,850
‐ Hey, we did it.
You can come out now.
274
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,020
What are you waiting for?
275
00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:34,610
Huh. You'd think they'd be raring
to get out here.
276
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,350
‐ Unless nobody's been watching us
277
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,570
and when they said we couldn't miss
a day of school,
278
00:12:39,570 --> 00:12:41,620
they meant when everyone else
was here too.
279
00:12:41,610 --> 00:12:44,020
‐ So we got along this whole time
for no reason?
280
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,120
‐ I guess so. So, now what?
281
00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:48,500
‐ Fuck yeah.
282
00:12:48,490 --> 00:12:50,240
[laughing]
‐ Hey, watch out!
283
00:12:50,250 --> 00:12:53,290
♪ hard rock music playing ♪
284
00:12:53,290 --> 00:12:55,210
♪
285
00:12:55,210 --> 00:12:56,670
YUMYULACK: Ooh, yeah. Whoo!
JESSE: Yeah!
286
00:12:58,380 --> 00:12:59,260
[laughs]
287
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,840
‐ All right, one of us has
to attach this to the door
288
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,350
and get away before it detonates.
289
00:13:04,340 --> 00:13:06,920
I've been practicing avoiding explosions
in my free time,
290
00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:08,310
so I think I can pull it off.
‐ No.
291
00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:12,100
A really bad one.
292
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:15,440
I was mean to everyone, and I used
to piss in the Slurpee machine.
293
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,740
But things are different in here.
In here, I can die a hero.
294
00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:21,650
Nobody has to die,
because I think I can jump away
295
00:13:21,650 --> 00:13:23,940
well before the explosion‐‐
‐ Blaze of glory!
296
00:13:23,950 --> 00:13:24,830
TIM: Oh shit.
297
00:13:25,450 --> 00:13:26,620
Run! Run, Bryson!
CHERIE: Bryson, run!
298
00:13:26,610 --> 00:13:28,110
‐ No! There's no time.
[beeping]
299
00:13:29,870 --> 00:13:31,120
Oh, okay. Actually, there may‐‐
300
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,120
Aah!
‐ Bryson!
301
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:36,920
‐ Holy shit!
302
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,630
‐ Ah. I'm alive.
303
00:13:38,630 --> 00:13:39,760
But I'm blind.
304
00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:41,420
‐ You should have run.
Why didn't you run?
305
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,290
‐ Oh no, my dick got blown off.
306
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,680
I'm blind and I have no dick.
307
00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:48,920
Oh.
‐ Uh‐‐
308
00:13:48,930 --> 00:13:50,850
‐ Please, just leave.
309
00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:54,060
I'm blind and I have no dick.
310
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,430
Hey, I found it.
311
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:59,650
It was there all along.
Just lower than I thought.
312
00:14:01,110 --> 00:14:02,610
‐ Check this out, Terry. Watch.
313
00:14:02,610 --> 00:14:03,910
‐ Wait, wait, wait.
Don't you always tell me
314
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:05,610
that pressing buttons on the ship
can be dangerous?
315
00:14:05,610 --> 00:14:07,480
‐ Don't be a little beeyatch.
316
00:14:09,410 --> 00:14:10,580
[screaming]
317
00:14:12,410 --> 00:14:15,210
See, it's fine.
‐ Man, I love dumb Korvo.
318
00:14:15,210 --> 00:14:17,130
‐ Dude, Korvo, get over here
and snort this with us.
319
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,910
‐ Oink‐oink, mother‐fuckah!
320
00:14:24,210 --> 00:14:26,590
[electricity crackling]
321
00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:31,680
‐ [screams]
Ice lava.
322
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,020
It's freezing.
323
00:14:33,010 --> 00:14:34,840
Oh my God and then it burns.
324
00:14:38,690 --> 00:14:40,360
[people screaming]
325
00:14:43,190 --> 00:14:44,560
JESSE: Ha ha, stop.
[laser beams firing]
326
00:14:44,570 --> 00:14:46,870
Don't laser me. That tickles.
327
00:14:46,860 --> 00:14:48,480
‐ Oh, I got you now.
[both scream]
328
00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:53,700
‐ Did we make ice lava?
‐ I don't know. Maybe.
329
00:14:54,370 --> 00:14:55,370
‐ Ohh!
‐ You're it.
330
00:14:55,370 --> 00:14:56,960
‐ No fair. I was distracted.
331
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,630
[both laughing]
332
00:14:58,620 --> 00:14:59,620
‐ Korvo, what do we do?
333
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:02,040
The hot cold lava that powers the ship
is getting on everyone.
334
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,750
‐ Don't worry, I know what to do.
335
00:15:03,750 --> 00:15:04,830
[grunts]
336
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,640
I'm boning an alien, bro.
337
00:15:06,630 --> 00:15:07,880
‐ Stop being dumb.
338
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,380
You're the only one
who knows about ice lava.
339
00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:10,550
‐ Terry, I know how to fix it.
340
00:15:10,550 --> 00:15:13,220
We just kick back
and watch some movie trilogies.
341
00:15:13,220 --> 00:15:14,970
Th‐this whole thing
will sort itself out on its own.
342
00:15:14,970 --> 00:15:16,760
‐ We don't have time for even one trilogy.
343
00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:18,150
Ugh. Who would have thought
cutting corners
344
00:15:18,140 --> 00:15:19,510
and making you dumb
would blow up like this.
345
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,030
‐ Maybe the second "Matrix" movie
will help. They're better out of order.
346
00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:23,560
‐ Maybe if I can learn
how to fix the smart gun,
347
00:15:23,570 --> 00:15:25,320
I can zap you back
into fixing the ship.
348
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,820
[loudly]
Stay here. I will make you smart again.
349
00:15:27,820 --> 00:15:30,030
‐ Hey, just 'cause I'm dumb
doesn't mean that I'm deaf.
350
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:33,080
‐ Come on. Come on.
351
00:15:33,530 --> 00:15:35,900
Ah, yes. Hey, the manual isn't too big.
352
00:15:35,910 --> 00:15:37,120
Aah! Ah, crap.
353
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,130
Okay, Terry, you can do this.
354
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,200
Focus. Learn. Be smart.
355
00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:43,960
KORVO: Damn, Morpheus, how'd you get
those motherfucking sunglasses
356
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:44,840
to stick to your face?
357
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,130
‐ Ooh, I gotta see that. No! No!
358
00:15:47,130 --> 00:15:47,970
Focus.
359
00:15:49,590 --> 00:15:51,800
Ooh!
Once you know how to reroute the lava‐‐
360
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,460
‐ Check it out, Terry,
I'm a fucking Morpheus now.
361
00:15:54,470 --> 00:15:55,560
Watch out.
362
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:58,350
I think we should invest in a racehorse
because I want to go to Kentucky
363
00:15:58,350 --> 00:15:59,270
and wear a big old hat,
364
00:15:59,270 --> 00:16:01,060
and also I've got a great name
for a racehorse.
365
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:02,860
Get ready. Horseus.
366
00:16:02,850 --> 00:16:03,970
From the thing
we were just talking about‐‐
367
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:05,110
‐ Will you shut the hell up?
368
00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:06,900
I'm never gonna learn
how to repair the smart gun.
369
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,860
I'm only one chapter past
the lavatic reactor.
370
00:16:08,860 --> 00:16:10,660
[gasps]
Oh, holy crapsters.
371
00:16:10,650 --> 00:16:13,480
I accidentally learned how to repair
the lavatic reactor.
372
00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:18,000
I just want you to know
if I don't make it out of this,
373
00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:21,070
it has been the great honor of my life
to come to Earth with you.
374
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,590
Korvo, I love you‐‐
375
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:25,000
‐ I'm gonna go hit a bullet
with a hammer, Terry. U‐S‐A!
376
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,750
U‐S‐A! U‐S‐A!
377
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:29,120
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
378
00:16:29,130 --> 00:16:31,890
♪
379
00:16:45,810 --> 00:16:48,520
♪
380
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,230
‐ Holy shit. I think I fixed it.
381
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,790
I actually did something
without taking a shortcut.
382
00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:57,030
W‐w‐what are you doing?
383
00:16:57,030 --> 00:16:58,450
‐ Hey, whoa, whoa, I thought
you were sending signals.
384
00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:00,740
‐ What? No. Man, when does
the dumb ray wear off?
385
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:02,710
‐ I want White Castle.
‐ Is this what I sound like all the time?
386
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:04,550
‐ Whoa, Terry, let's watch
all the "Resident Evils."
387
00:17:04,540 --> 00:17:05,450
‐ Yeah, that's me.
388
00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:07,380
[both moaning]
‐ Oh yes.
389
00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:09,220
‐ God, I love the last week
of summer break.
390
00:17:09,210 --> 00:17:11,500
This place is so nice
when the kids are gone.
391
00:17:11,510 --> 00:17:13,970
‐ After this, let's do reverse cowgirl
in the theater.
392
00:17:13,970 --> 00:17:15,510
Then we're ass‐eating in the chem lab.
393
00:17:15,510 --> 00:17:17,180
‐ But I'm wearing open‐toed sandals.
394
00:17:17,180 --> 00:17:18,180
‐ [both laughing]
‐ [Ms. Frankie yelps]
395
00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:19,600
‐ Whoo!
‐ What the fuck are you doing here?
396
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:21,970
[both wailing]
397
00:17:22,430 --> 00:17:25,180
Oh no!
‐ We did what you said.
398
00:17:25,190 --> 00:17:28,360
We've been in our chairs
every day at 7 a. m.
399
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:29,990
‐ How long have you been here on your own?
400
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:32,350
‐ We're good students. We did‐‐
‐ We were never late. We were on time.
401
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:33,870
‐ Mercy. Show us mercy.
402
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:35,150
‐ Go wait outside.
403
00:17:36,740 --> 00:17:38,750
‐ What the fuck is wrong with those two?
404
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,110
I don't care if they like each other.
405
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,120
We didn't tell them to come in all summer!
406
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,630
This is clearly abuse.
407
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:45,990
Maybe no one will believe them.
It's their word against ours.
408
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,670
‐ They found us humping in the lunch room.
409
00:17:47,670 --> 00:17:49,510
I was about to stick
my tongue up your ass.
410
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:50,790
‐ Oh, Jesus.
411
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,550
I guess we have to do the right thing.
412
00:17:52,550 --> 00:17:53,510
[groans]
413
00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:56,140
‐ Okay, what will it take for you
to keep your mouth shut?
414
00:17:56,130 --> 00:17:56,840
A thousand dollars?
415
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,260
‐ We want A's, bitches.
‐ We want A's.
416
00:17:58,260 --> 00:18:00,340
‐ That's it? In what?
‐ In everything.
417
00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:03,520
‐ So we give you the A's and we forget
that this whole thing ever happened.
418
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,730
Finger in the ass, the neglect,
the eating of a‐‐
419
00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:07,190
‐ Congrats. You're both
on the honor rolls.
420
00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:08,070
‐ Woo‐hoo!
‐ Yeah!
421
00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:09,220
YUMYULACK: Honor roll, dude!
JESSE: Woo‐hoo!
422
00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:10,360
[cheering continues]
423
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,610
‐ We've been bad.
424
00:18:11,610 --> 00:18:13,570
[both moaning]
425
00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:19,120
[machine powers up]
426
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,120
[babies cooing, babbling]
427
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,290
‐ Man, gathering up
the ashes of my victims
428
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:26,880
and reconstituting them into babies is
way more work than I thought it would be.
429
00:18:26,870 --> 00:18:29,080
But, hey, they get a second chance
at life, so that's cool.
430
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,000
What's up with you dorks?
431
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,080
‐ We caught the teachers
eating each other's asses,
432
00:18:32,090 --> 00:18:33,930
so they gave us A's in all our classes.
433
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,250
‐ And we're best friends again.
434
00:18:35,260 --> 00:18:37,010
And we're out of Frosted Flakes.
435
00:18:37,010 --> 00:18:38,010
‐ I'll pick some up tomorrow.
436
00:18:38,010 --> 00:18:40,680
Hey, uh, don't open the bathroom door
because I locked Korvo in there
437
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:41,480
until he gets smart again.
438
00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:43,090
KORVO: Let me out of here!
There's an alien in here!
439
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,520
Oh, wait, that's‐‐
it's just me in the mirror.
440
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,400
‐ Wow, he sounds really stupid.
441
00:18:46,390 --> 00:18:48,600
‐ Yeah, I shot him with the dumb gun
like 10 times.
442
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,720
‐ Oh geez, that will take forever
to wear off.
443
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:51,990
Feel better, Korvo.
444
00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:54,390
Don't sleep face down
or you might suffocate.
445
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,450
KORVO: Let me out. Gal Gadot is a witch
that was put into American society
446
00:18:57,450 --> 00:18:59,490
to make us all forget
about the 2008 recession.
447
00:18:59,490 --> 00:19:01,080
‐ Okay, buddy, very cool.
448
00:19:01,070 --> 00:19:03,240
KORVO: Let me out right now!
I‐I‐I've got a hostage in here.
449
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:04,320
[high‐pitched voice]
Help me, let me out.
450
00:19:04,330 --> 00:19:06,920
[normal voice] Don't worry, it's a joke.
I'm doing both voices. Play along.
451
00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:08,620
[British accent]
'Ello, what are you two doing in here?
452
00:19:08,620 --> 00:19:09,870
[normal voice]
Shh, hey, be quiet.
453
00:19:10,630 --> 00:19:13,550
♪ ominous music playing ♪
454
00:19:13,550 --> 00:19:15,680
‐ It's empty. No, this is all wrong.
455
00:19:15,670 --> 00:19:16,580
‐ Come on, we have to get out of here.
456
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:18,470
[clapping]
457
00:19:18,470 --> 00:19:20,350
‐ You stupid fucks.
458
00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:23,090
‐ What are you gonna do, Duke,
take us all on? You're outnumbered.
459
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:26,130
‐ You see, Tim, my boy,
460
00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:28,110
this was the trap.
461
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,260
Enrique and I set up the whole thing.
462
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,480
The map, the Peep, everything.
463
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,860
‐ Enrique, why?
‐ You killed my son.
464
00:19:34,860 --> 00:19:38,450
The Duke might have pulled the trigger,
but you dragged him into this whole thing.
465
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:39,940
‐ See, I'm a man of rules.
466
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:42,870
It's rules that keep everyone alive
in the wall.
467
00:19:42,870 --> 00:19:45,290
But when someone breaks said rules,
468
00:19:45,290 --> 00:19:46,290
you need a punishment.
469
00:19:46,290 --> 00:19:49,170
I found the perfect form of punishment.
470
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,200
The Boo Hoo Hole.
471
00:19:50,540 --> 00:19:52,840
Tim, you ever heard
of the Boo Hoo Hole.
472
00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:55,080
[screams]
473
00:19:55,090 --> 00:19:58,050
‐ Noooo!
474
00:19:58,050 --> 00:20:00,550
‐ I have different plans for you, Tim.
475
00:20:04,140 --> 00:20:07,900
These genius aliens are a billion times
smarter than any man.
476
00:20:08,270 --> 00:20:10,940
They are truly worthy adversaries.
477
00:20:11,350 --> 00:20:12,180
[door opens]
478
00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:14,900
‐ Thank you for letting me out.
I'm feeling much smarter.
479
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:15,940
I'm smart now. Thank you.
480
00:20:15,940 --> 00:20:18,320
‐ Okay, we're all trusting you
to be smart.
481
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,120
And we all learned a lesson today,
482
00:20:20,110 --> 00:20:22,230
so let's all buckle down
and be smart together
483
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,240
and help repair the ship.
484
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,120
‐ What've you got there?
Are those hyperdrive plans?
485
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,540
‐ Oh, Jesse, nice try.
We don't even have a hyperdrive.
486
00:20:27,540 --> 00:20:30,210
No, no, no, this is
my 700‐page screenplay for "Ted 3."
487
00:20:30,210 --> 00:20:32,000
You all have to give me notes.
‐ Oh, fuck, he's still dumb.
488
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,800
‐ It's called "T3D."
It's not in 3D though.
489
00:20:33,790 --> 00:20:35,830
Ted and Wahlberg go on a treasure hunt
and meet a witch.
490
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,590
I copyrighted this with WGA‐North.
491
00:20:37,590 --> 00:20:39,510
It takes place in the Harry Potter world
in the future,
492
00:20:39,510 --> 00:20:40,590
where every city is Boston.
493
00:20:40,590 --> 00:20:41,930
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are president.
494
00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:43,310
Papa John's has cool pizza.
495
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:44,880
I'm gonna be a professional poker player.
496
00:20:44,890 --> 00:20:47,310
Let me out of the ropy bag.
Free me from the ropy bag.
497
00:20:47,310 --> 00:20:49,770
‐ It's nice to do stuff as a family.
498
00:20:50,270 --> 00:20:54,020
♪ theme music playing ♪
499
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:58,110
♪
500
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,100
[imitating laser fire]
40089
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