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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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‐ And so, diary,
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we have officially secured
the nuclear codes.
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They're safe and sound
in my lair,
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and I gotta say,
it's nice to have a day
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that's just one big win.
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‐ Intruder alert.
Intruder alert.
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[tense music]
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♪ ♪
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‐ Son of a bitch.
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Never mind.
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♪ ♪
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God, I fucking hate Mondays.
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‐ Intruder,
please remain calm.
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Personnel will
be arriving shortly
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to assist you in your death.
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‐ He's got the nuclear codes.
Get him!
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What the fuck
are you two doing?
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‐ We're waiting our turn.
‐ Your turn?
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No, just go fight him
all at once.
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‐ Sir, combat rule number one
of the Henchmen Handbook,
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never interrupt
a fellow Henchman's fight.
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That would be rude.
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‐ Fights are to be
fought one at a time
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as to wear out your enemy,
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thereby allowing you
to eventually gain victory
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via exhaustion.
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‐ I don't care what the fucking
Henchman Handbook says.
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Just go fight him.
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‐ Trust me, sir,
there's a right way
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and a wrong way
to be a Henchman, okay?
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Oh, yeah.
He's dead.
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‐ Ooh, my turn!
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[grunting]
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Here we go.
Let's go.
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‐ Stab him in the chest.
God damn!
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‐ Uh, sir, rule number 14
of the Henchman Handbook:
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if you are fighting
with a deadly weapon,
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you first need
to show off your skills
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with that deadly weapon
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so as to properly
intimidate your enemy.
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‐ [grunting]
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‐ Jesus Christ,
this Handbook
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sure covers
a lot of stupid shit.
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‐ Oh, it covers
everything, sir.
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For example,
rule number 6, briefs only.
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No boxers.
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Boxer briefs if you're
a cold‐weather Henchmen.
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‐ Oh, yeah, that's super.
Excuse me.
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You see?
Isn't this effective?
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Isn't this easy?
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You see how effective
this can be?
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‐ [groaning]
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‐ Oh, feel fucking great
after that.
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‐ Sorry, it's just, uh...
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‐ Yeah, I know.
It's your turn.
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‐ All right, buddy,
there you‐‐
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‐ Adios, fuckholes.
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‐ Von Duct.
‐ Ah, Dr. Havoc.
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‐ Why are the Henchmen
so goddamn stupid?
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‐ Well, uh, Dr. Havoc,
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as you know,
all the Henchmen are clones.
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Given that we go through
so many of them,
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we could never afford
actual soldiers.
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‐ Yeah, I get why you're
cooking 'em up in the lab here.
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But what I wanna know is
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why they have to be
so fucking dumb.
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‐ Well, you see, Dr. Havoc,
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I can grow a clone's body
to an adult size,
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but the brains are
basically brand‐new
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and have to mature at
a normal human rate.
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‐ Wait, what the hell
are you telling me?
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‐ Let me show you
our Henchman training program.
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[soft lullaby music playing]
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‐ Wah.
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‐ When clones
are first created,
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they have the mind of a baby.
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‐ Wait, wait a minute.
All my Henchmen are babies?
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‐ No, no, no.
Come on, Dr. Havoc, no.
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When they start,
they have the mind of a baby.
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The fully developed Henchman
is between 8 to 12 years old.
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‐ What?
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‐ Dada.
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‐ Uh, uh‐‐Von Duct?
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‐ Oh, so‐‐sorry.
No, no, here you go.
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‐ [laughs]
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‐ At this phase,
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I teach them
the basic motor skills.
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You know, how to walk,
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early knife wielding,
et cetera.
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Who's a good little Henchman?
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Who's a good
little Henchman?
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Okay.
Go get it.
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[both crying]
‐ [exclaiming]
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‐ Ah, look at them.
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Okay, now let me show you
some more developed Henchmen.
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‐ Are you, uh‐‐
are you gonna need your keys?
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‐ Nah, I'll come back
for them later.
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Follow me.
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Hmm, I guess it's locked.
You know what?
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I'm actually going to
need those keys after all.
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‐ All right.
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[sighs]
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[humming]
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‐ Okay, here we go.
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So these are
the 8 to 12 year old minds.
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As soon as a Henchman
is able to read,
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00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:05,640
he is given
the Henchman Handbook
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and he memorizes it
cover to cover.
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both: "When shooting
at an enemy vehicle,
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"aim for the bumper
and/or mirrors.
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"Do not aim for the driver
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as this could result
in a dangerous accident."
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‐ This book covers everything
from general combat practices
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to security protocols
and advanced weapons training.
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‐ Pull back to load bullet.
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Aim and pull trigger.
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[whimpers]
God, it's so loud.
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[whining]
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‐ So that's why Henchmen
are such terrible shots?
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Because they're children?
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‐ No, no, no, they have
the mind of the children.
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Now, we don't have time
to cover everything
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like math and science
with them.
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But this book pretty much
leaves them prepared
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for life of the Henchman.
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‐ Well, what if we just waited
until their minds
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were a little more mature?
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‐ [laughs]
Dr. Havoc,
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I'm one step ahead of you.
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I've actually been working on
holding back
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00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:04,926
a select group of Henchmen
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00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:09,101
to allow their minds to
mature to a more adult age.
135
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But, uh...
[laughs]
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Right now they're in
the teenage phase, and it's...
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[sighs]
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It is not going very well.
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[rock music]
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Hey, hey, I thought I told you
to clean up this room.
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‐ Fuck you!
‐ Yeah!
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Fuck you,
Professor Von Dick.
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[laughter]
‐ Good one.
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‐ Yeah.
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00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,961
♪ ♪
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‐ Hey, where is your brother?
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Hey, stop that.
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Now stop that!
‐ You're not my real dad!
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‐ [sighs]
150
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We have to hose out that room
like once a week.
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It's really becoming a problem.
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‐ Well, why don't
we just change
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some of the rules
in this book?
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I mean, for example,
155
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how about Henchman fight
an enemy all at once?
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00:06:55,181 --> 00:06:58,751
‐ Mm, the Henchman Handbook
has been around for decades.
157
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It's the gold standard
for the Henchmen conduct.
158
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,934
I don't think we should just go
around just changing the rules.
159
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,355
‐ Just fucking change
the goddamn rules, Jesus.
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[suspenseful music]
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‐ Ha!
Hello, Havoc.
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‐ All right, guys,
we've been practicing.
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Everybody all at once.
Go.
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♪ ♪
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[grunting]
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Yeah, it's working.
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♪ ♪
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‐ Ow, you hit me.
‐ No, I didn't.
169
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‐ Oh, no.
‐ You did hit him!
170
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I saw.
‐ Nuh‐uh!
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‐ Hey, don't push him.
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[all grunting]
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‐ You get off of me.
Get off of me.
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‐ Don't give me a noogie.
‐ Stop it!
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‐ Ow!
‐ Stop hitting yourself.
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[screaming]
‐ All right, that's it.
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No one's getting ice cream.
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[disappointed groaning]
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‐ Adorable.
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[dramatic music]
12750
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