All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E07.WEB.TBS.en

♪

(Forks clink, music plays)

- Hmm. David.
- Hmm?

Perhaps your indigestion
is caused by the speed

with which you consume your food.

We should do breakfast more
often, this is really fun.

Mhmm.

- Hi, Mrs. Rose.
- Hello, Patrick.

- Care to ensconce yourself?
- Oh, I wish I could.

- Um, David?
- Hmm?

You told me you were just
running across the street

- for a cup of coffee.
- But then I got hungry.

I hadn't eaten since last night.

It's just that I have to
get ready for my audition,

and somebody has to be at the store, so.

You're being audited? Those bastards!

No, uh, audition.

I'm actually trying out for "Cabaret".

"Cabaret".

You're familiar with the show?

Please don't start.

- The year was 1979.
- '79. Mhmm.

I was but 17.

- She was not 17.
- Ah.

Hostessing at a charming
gas station deli,

when the great director, Rocky Nickels,

came in for a Reuben.

That's a sandwich.

Little did he know,

he would end up biting into something

- far more suffonsifying.
- Far more suffonsifying.

A ripe young actress who he'd soon cast

in the leading role of Sally Bowles.

Sally Bowles, yes.

- In the production of...
- (In Unison) "Cabaret".

Yes!

Ask me how many ovations
I got on closing night.

- Six.
- David, you know the answer!

That's a lot of ovations.

Mhmm, three by demand,
and three on the house.

And who, may I ask, is bold enough

to scale this cultural monolith?

Jocelyn's actually directing
for the community theater, so.

Jocelyn?

That's very ambitious of Jocelyn.

Yeah well, I just thought it
could be a fun thing to do.

Yes, the exact sentiment
expressed by the passengers

as they stepped aboard the Titanic.

Okay, well, that's really encouraging.

What?! They were having
a rip-roaring bash

before that bloody iceberg.

- I'm just gonna get the bill.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.

- I'll be just two minutes.
- Okay.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Hey, Stevie.

Excuse me, I'll just be a minute.

I just heard from Alexis
that Ted's mom, Cheryl,

will be coming in from Elm Ridge,

and joining us for the weekend.

So uh, I'd like to just keep
an eye out for her, okay?

She's a lovely woman, very striking,

- full-figured...
- Mr. Rose!

It's Cheryl Mullens.

- Cheryl!
- Yes!

Oh, I-I-I...

I didn't recognize you
there for some reason.

Well, I lost 80 pounds,

I changed my diet,

and I started taking Zumba classes.

Well, good for Zumba.

And you haven't changed at all, Johnny.

Still as handsome as ever.

Oh, well, there you go.

Uh anyway, we're gonna put
you in our best room, okay?

- Aw!
- And, tell you what.

It's on us, Cheryl.

- Is it?!
- Thank you.

You're a sweetheart.

They don't make men like you anymore.

Well, we try to treat people good.

Try to treat good...

(Laughs) have a nice room.

Day! Day. Have a nice day in your room.

(Laughs)

- What?
- You gonna be okay?

Yeah.

(Birds chirp)

- Jocelyn!
- What the... Moira!

You really snuck up on me there.

Those shoes do not make a sound.

- Blame Wang.
- What're you doing here?

Alas, I was sure there was
a council-related symposium

here this afternoon, but...

it appears the room has been set up

in an audition configuration?

I'm so glad I'm doing it right.

Today is day one of
auditions for "Cabaret".

"Cabaret!"

Yeah, I actually wanted to do "Cats",

but everybody said that
it was too political, so.

I'm not sure you're
aware of this Jocelyn,

but "Cabaret" is the very
show that launched my career.

- Right!
- Mhmm.

1979, you had a Reuben.

No, but never mind.

I'm simply here to wish
you the best of luck.

Moira...

since you have the strong

personal connection to "Cabaret",

do you think that you could... help me?

No, this is your bebe, Jocelyn,

and an artistic cradle robber, I am not.

Okay, it's just that I have
this actual baby at home,

plus a whole lot of
term papers to grade.

I wouldn't want to
step on anyone's toes.

But if you would indulge
me a promenade along...

memory lane,

I'd love to sit in on the auditions.

Okay, if that's as much as
you're willing to contribute.

- All righty.
- It's settled, then.

Consider me a silent
monarch on the wall.

- Will do.
- Now, Jocelyn...

is this really how you
want to set up the chairs?

- No?
- Oh God, no!

(Bell on door jingles)

(Roland sighs)

(Chuckles)

Roland. You brought
a baby into the store.

Shhh. Yeah.

And I don't know why I
haven't brought him in sooner,

this place is perfect.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, they say that
babies fall asleep quickest

when they're surrounded by an eerie,

almost crypt-like silence.

What can I do to shorten
your stay in my store, Roland?

Oh, uh, Joce wanted me to
pick up uh, some of this.

This organic applesauce.

Organic. Listen to me!

Who am I? Gwyneth Paltrow?

(Both laugh)

No, no, you're not.

- (Cell phone rings)
- Ah.

(Roland Jr. cries)

Ooh sorry, I gotta take this.

What about this, though?

Uh, hello? Ronnie. Hi, what's going on?

- (Gasps) No! Oh my God!
- What?

Dave, please, I'm on a private call.

Uh huh, okay, I'll be right over.

Oh boy, sheeesh.

Everything okay?

Well, Gwen was trimming
that big oak tree

behind her place, and
she took out a power line,

and now there are live wires

flailing every which way but loose.

(Laughs) So I guess uh,

Rollie Jr. and I should head over there.

Hey, this applesauce,

it's not gonna go bad in the sun, is it?

I'd be more concerned about the baby,

- but what do I know?
- You're right!

You know what I'll do?
I'll leave 'em both here.

No! No, absolutely not!

I have a meeting in half an hour

with a potential big money client,

and a rogue baby in my store
does not present as polished,

- or professional.
- He'll be fine.

If he gets cranky, give
him some applesauce.

Those are $10 a jar!

- Okay.
- Dammit!

(Roland Jr. cries)

No, I will not accept that.

No, but I entered that in there already.

Dad, Cheryl wants to take a shower,

and all she has is a facecloth.

Oh, okay. Well, Stevie uh...

can you run some towels
down to room four?

- Why do I need to do it?
- Okay, what's the big deal?

Just walk them over, and drop them off.

Well, Alexis, if you must know,

when I was checking
Cheryl in this morning,

I-I got a bit of a vibe.

Ew, what kind of vibe?

I think I might've gotten...

a whisper... of desire.

"Whisper of des... " Oh my God!

Please never use that
phrase like, ever again.

My face was touched.

She was doing this.
She called me handsome!

Okay, Cheryl is in a happy marriage.

She just happens to be very like,

warm, and affectionate.

Her hand was warm and affectionate.

Ted! Hi!

Uh, my mom was just wondering

if she could maybe get some towels?

Towels? Yes!

And perhaps you could take these to her?

Oh yeah, sure. My mom also wants
you to join us for lunch today.

She said she won't
take no for an answer.

Uh, that would leave Stevie
alone here at the counter.

And I-I don't think that uh...

Oh, but I prefer it that way, though.

Oh my God, Dad, um yes, he can come.

Okay great, I'll go let her know.

She was just saying how she wants to get

- to know you better.
- Hmm. Hmm.

Psh! Shh! Wait! Do you hear that?

- What?
- It's like a...

faint whisper of desire.

- That was a good one.
- Thanks!

Oh boy. Don't do that.

Jocelyn: Wow, Bob.

Who knew you were a
man of so many talents?

Well, I don't need to see any more.

- Bob...
- Ahem!

Moira, is there anything
you'd like to add

to Bob's audition?

I'm just marinating in memories.

Okay well, we start rehearsals...

But while I marinate,

it might be worth observing

your giving Bob a slight redirection.

- Mhmm...
- If that's all right?

Oh, I've cleared my afternoon for this.

Okay, uh...

well, try it um,

angrier? You know, like, grr,

put your hands on your hips.

Like this?

Oh dear.

Okay. Well, it seems to me,

that it would be helpful to both of us

if you would just join
us here at the table.

Well, there's a note I'm
incapable of rebuffing.

You heard the director.

Thank you.

Do you want me to
sing "Ave Maria" again?

If you must, but I think what
Jocelyn is looking for here

is a foreboding vibration
of pre-war Berlin,

easy on the accent.

Roger that, yeah.

(Laughs)

Okay, so this is what
we call mutual respect.

So if you could just stay
like this for the an hour,

that would be ideal. Okay.

- Hi, David?
- Tina?

- Mhmm.
- Oh my goodness!

We are so excited at the prospect

of working with "Premium Parties".

- Oh, that's very sweet.
- Yeah, so as you know,

we can source basically
anything you need

when it comes to party essentials.

Gift bags, catering,
Shaman-blessed crystals,

artisanal Reiki gloves.

For today, I was just hoping
to hear about the store,

and make a connection with you.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, I love making connections.

(Roland Jr. gurgles) Oh.

Oh no, that's not...

Oh, I didn't know that
you had a little guy!

Yeah, his dad is just out right now,

but he should be back any time.

Oh yeah, they say that,
and next thing you know,

it's been an hour, am I right?

Yes. Yeah.

They say it's an emergency,
but is it really, Tina?

Yeah, so tell me the
last time that watching

the new "Fast and the
Furious" was an emergency!

(Nervous chuckle)

You know, I have a
two-year-old at home.

- Oh.
- How old's this little one?

He's um, three to four months.

- Oh, wow.
- Mhmm.

He's huge for four months.

- Mm, big eater.
- Ah.

You know, we-we do sell
these delicious granola bars.

You're giving him granola?

No, no, I eat the granola bars,

while taking care of him.

He prefers um...

the organic applesauce.

It must be so helpful to have
your own little product tester

here in the store with you.

You know what?

Why don't you take this home with you,

try it out on your little one.

You know, I'm actually
throwing a baby shower

next week, uh, but I mean,

that's probably not
enough notice for you.

I threw a baby shower for
my dear friend, Jocelyn,

within a day,

I'm pretty sure I can
get supplies by next week.

You two might be my
new favourite vendors.

(Both laugh)

Do you think that maybe he could um,

show me around?

Yeah. You want, you
wanna show her around,

- little tyke?
- Show me around. Hm.

Cheryl: And there he was,

naked as the day he
was born, just wailing!

It had rained, and his
cotton candy was melting

all down his hand!

Yeah, that was fun, but uh,

maybe we can start telling some stories

about someone else who
was naked and crying?

Okay, fine, but I think everyone here

has already heard about
my Vin Diesel adventure.

Mind if I have a fry, Johnny?

No, no, go ahead, help yourself.

And if anyone else wants a fry,

please feel free to take one.

Mom, I really wish I'd
have known about this trip

a little bit sooner, I
wouldn't have asked Alexis

to help me out at the clinic today,

and she could've kept you company.

Mhmm, I also wish you
hadn't asked me to help out

- at the clinic today.
- Oh, don't worry,

this was just a last minute whim.

I just don't know what I'm
gonna do with those tickets

that I bought to the Elmdale Gallery.

Johnny...

I don't suppose you'd
be interested in playing

- hooky today, huh?
- Oh, no!

I haven't played hooky since college.

Dad, I think you can
spare a couple of hours

to accompany Mrs. Mullens,

who otherwise would be going by herself.

Well, when you put it that way, Alexis,

uh, I'd look like a
real jerk if I said no.

Then lunch is on me.

A free room and now a hot date

with the owner of the motel?

(Laughs) Lucky me!

Yeah...

I can't tell you how much
this means to me, Mr. Rose.

Oh, I'm just... being a good host.

See, my mom and my Step-Dad
separated a while ago.

What? Why have I not
heard about this before?

Well, I wanted to tell you,

but she made me promise
to keep it quiet.

You know, small town, people talk.

So Ted, your mom is
currently unattached?

Yeah, yeah, but she's in a
much better place these days.

She's got like, a
whole new lease on life.

She told me that she's just
going after whatever she wants,

no holds barred!

Oh, well hopefully, some holds barred.

- Johnny?
- Hmm?

- I'm ready to go.
- Oh!

Um Dad, if you do have too
much work this afternoon...

Well, we're in it now, Alexis.

- Here we go. Oh, after you.
- Oh! (Laughs)

- Please, don't go.
- Are you serious?

Jocelyn: Okay, I'm just
gonna stop you there.

Thank you.

Um Beth, I was wondering
if you could maybe...

Dig deeper, yeah.

Let's throw away the
lines, soften the edges.

Yes, I was gonna say, speak louder,

but that also sounds important.

- So why don't we um...
- Yes, tap her out!

You step in, and lay the
groundwork for Patrick. Yes.

You want me to tap in and act with him?

Mea culpa, Jocelyn,

I sorely underestimated your instincts.

Okay.

Okay, the thing you must
understand about Cliff,

Patrick, is that he has
been with many women,

but he's never derived
true pleasure from it.

I think I can wrap my head around that.

Okay, when you're ready.

(Patrick and Jocelyn
clear their throats)

Don't go.

- What?
- Please, don't go!

Ooh, less desperation.

Are you serious?

The hell with Bobby!
Maybe I like you here.

Firm, but not loud.

The truth is, Sally,
when you're out all night,

I can't sleep.

Better, better. Now seduce her.

Oh my.

Our little bed suddenly seems so empty.

I've never felt this way about anyone.

You truly mean this?

Bring it home...

More than I've ever meant anything.

And, scene!

Oh! Whew!

Now that is a breakthrough.

Patrick, thank you.

Or should I say thank
you to our new Emcee!

Oh no, no, Patrick was auditioning

- for the role of Cliff.
- Yes, he was.

But we all know you
put your biggest talent

front and center.

- Isn't that right, Jocelyn?
- Sure.

As long as I never have to act again.

Okay, no.

Thank you! (Laughs)

We'll-we'll call your people.

I did not think I would
find a new vendor today.

Well, sometimes it just clicks. Here.

Well, why don't I
swing back on Wednesday,

and pick everything
up for the baby shower?

Perfect!

And I hope I'll see
you on Wednesday, too!

Hey!

- How's my big boy?
- This must be Dad.

- Yes.
- Roland Schitt.

Tina Holbridge. It is
so nice to meet you.

I've just been spending
the whole afternoon

with your two special guys.

Oh, well, you know, Roland Jr. and I,

are gettin' there, but uh, this guy,

I've known him for a long time.

You know that he uh,
took me shopping once?

Yeah, you know what? Are
you ready to take um, him?

Because I'm sure you have a busy day.

Yeah, I should probably
grab him, and go.

I'm sorry, I would've been here sooner,

but I got electrocuted three times,

and the last time I didn't
bounce back quite as fast.

Oh. Well, the important part
is that you're-you're here now.

Yeah, and luckily Gwen's fine, too.

I don't know why she was
wearing that rubber dress

when she cut that wire,
but it saved her life.

- Hmm!
- Wow...

Well, I should probably let
you guys have some family time.

I am so looking forward
to working with you, David.

Likewise.

(Roland sighs)

Hey, sounds like the
meeting went pretty well.

It couldn't have gone better! Yeah.

So, if ever you need me
to babysit this little one,

I have some openings.

Oh, well, that's great,
because Joce and I

were thinking about going
to the movies tomorrow night.

I was thinking next Wednesday
between four and five pm.

Mm, yeah, no, Thursday,

that's probably gonna be better for us.

Let's go with Wednesday.

(Car rumbles)

Thank you, Johnny,
for a lovely afternoon.

Well, it's always a thrill
to experience a collection

of nude photographs
with a... a new friend.

It was eye-opening.

Johnny, I have something to tell you.

- (Door opens)
- Uh huh?

Umm, what's going on over here?

Hey, you crazy kids.

Hope you didn't have too
much fun this afternoon.

Alexis, I was just about to tell Johnny,

so I might as well tell you, too.

Ted's Step-Dad and I have separated.

- Oh my gosh.
- Oh!

It's for the best.

In fact, I think I've already
started to develop feelings

- for someone new.
- So soon?

- You wanna know the best part?
- Not necessarily.

He's charming, and handsome.

Okay, I think we understand
where this is going.

And ten years younger!

Than?

I've fallen for my Zumba instructor.

- Bill?
- Bill.

Well, Bill's great!

Does this mean that I
get his gym discount?

- It does!
- Awww!

(Ted and Cheryl laugh)

This is great news.

Isn't this great news, Dad?

Yes, yes, I'm relieved...

- that you're so happy. -
Mhmm.

Thank you for providing
such a safe place for me

this afternoon.

You know, you remind
me of my older brother.

Hey, maybe I should start calling you

"Uncle Johnny," then, huh?

- Oh, ha ha ha.
- No. Nope. Nope.

Mom, come on, tell me all about it.

Oh!

I'm just worried about what that young,

hot young Zumba instructor is gonna do

when he finds out that Cheryl
has a huge crush on you.

Okay, Alexis.

But you bought into
it for a second there.

Well that was a great day
of auditions today, Moira.

Agreed.

Wow, in a desert of mediocrity,

you managed to divine a quiet revelation

in Ronnie's Fraulein Schneider.

Well, I think you deserve
most of the credit.

You know, watching you
work with the actors today,

I think it was pretty
obvious that you should...

Reprise my role of Sally?

Uh, maybe? But...

There's the age discrepancy.
Bit of a challenge there.

Although I did play
Liesl Von Trapp at 50.

Actually...

working with you made
me realize that I may not

have the skills to do this.

But you, you were practically
directly by yourself today.

Oh, Jocelyn, thank you.

And now I fear I've overstepped.

No, no, no, please! Step all over me.

You should be the director,
it's clearly in your blood.

Well, humility forbids me from thinking

I could become a quadruple
threat that easily.

Please, Moira. You'd
be doing me a favour.

I mean, it's either that,

or you could call Mr. and Mrs. Tekenos

and let them know that their daughter

bit another student at school today.

- I accept.
- Thank you, Moira!

I am happily stepping down.

In title only.

You will be there with me
every step of the way, Jocelyn.

Assistant directing.

- Assistant directing?
- Mhmm,

some would argue it's even more
responsibility than directing.

What have I done? No!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --