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1
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,640
You should go and talk to someone.
2
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,760
Are you sleeping?
3
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,160
There's like, uh, like a service.
4
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,560
It's free.
You might as well.
5
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,280
Connell?
6
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:58,560
Would you like to come with me?
7
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:08,656
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
8
00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:12,456
five, four, three, two, one.
9
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,296
Happy New Year!
10
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,080
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year.
11
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:38,520
Happy New Year, you.
12
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:50,816
Who is it?
13
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,080
Uh, it's just an old school friend.
14
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:57,640
You okay?
15
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:04,216
Uh, yeah.
It's just a Happy New Year thing.
16
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,160
Happy New Year!
17
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,440
What do you mean?
18
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,400
Are you on your own?
19
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,680
No, I'm with Helen.
What do you mean, a body?
20
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,696
Whose body, what?
21
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,736
Rob Hegarty, sweetheart.
22
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,560
They pulled a body
out of the river this morning.
23
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:45,000
Okay, why don't we talk about
how you're feeling.
24
00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,440
Uh, yeah, not great.
25
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,280
I'm sorry to hear that.
26
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,040
When did you start feeling this way?
27
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,336
Uh...
28
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:05,880
a couple of months ago.
29
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,200
January, I suppose.
30
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,120
Okay.
31
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,736
Did something happen then,
or did it just
32
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,440
come out of nowhere, do you feel?
33
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,440
A friend of mine killed himself
in January.
34
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,520
A friend from school.
35
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,560
I'm very sorry to hear that, Connell.
36
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,336
We, we hadn't really kept up
with each other after college.
37
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,400
'Cause he was, uh...
38
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:36,816
He was just back in Sligo
39
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,560
and I was up here
and everything, and um...
40
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,000
I guess I just feel guilty that I wasn't
in touch with him more.
41
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,680
I can understand that.
42
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,576
But however you might be feeling
about your friend,
43
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,560
what happened to him is not your fault.
44
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,440
You are not responsible
for the decisions he made.
45
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,720
I never even replied to the last message
he sent me.
46
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,920
When you lose someone to suicide,
47
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,216
it can be natural to wonder if there's
any more you could have done
48
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,720
in order to help this person.
49
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,056
I'm sure everyone in your friend's life
is asking themselves
50
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,096
the same questions now.
51
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,160
Yeah, but at least other people
tried to help him.
52
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,760
He'd, uh, been drinking a fair bit.
53
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:34,880
He seemed a bit, um...
you know, out of sorts, I guess.
54
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:36,880
Right.
55
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,600
Never wanted to go home, you know?
56
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,200
He always wanted one more.
57
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,280
Got into a few scraps.
58
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,560
Nothing serious, just...
thought it was a laugh.
59
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,120
I tried talking to him, but...
60
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,160
You look handsome.
61
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,320
Ready, sweetheart?
62
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:00,800
Marianne.
63
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:40,840
Thank you.
64
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,056
I'm so sorry.
Thanks for the colors.
65
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,320
You look great.
66
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,440
Thank you.
67
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,360
I'm so sorry.
68
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,160
Thanks, love.
Thanks for coming.
69
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,880
Connell.
Good man, good man.
70
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,920
I hear you're doing great things
above in Trinity.
71
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,840
So sorry.
Good man.
72
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,360
Thanks for coming.
73
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,320
Thank you.
74
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:51,200
How are things?
75
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,280
- Who's this?
- Uh...
76
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,440
Helen.
Uh, this is Eric.
77
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,520
Girlfriend, is it?
Yeah.
78
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,256
Must be your fault this fella
never comes home anymore.
79
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:05,840
No, it's not her fault.
It's my fault.
80
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,720
I'm just messing.
81
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,120
Good of Marianne to come.
82
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,856
I thought she was off in Sweden
or some place.
83
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,040
Yeah, she was.
She's back for the funeral.
84
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,440
She's gone very thin, hasn't she?
85
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,840
Here's herself.
86
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,536
Very good to have come all the way
from Sweden, Marianne.
87
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,080
It's nice to see you.
88
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,440
Do you know Helen here?
89
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,880
Course I do.
We were in college together.
90
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,400
Hello, Helen.
91
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,480
It's all friendly, I hope.
92
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,216
No rivalry, I mean.
93
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,720
Behave yourself now.
94
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,120
Why didn't you introduce me
to any of your friends?
95
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,840
I introduced you to Eric, didn't I?
96
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,640
Only after he asked.
97
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:18,040
To be honest, you didn't seem like
you really wanted him to meet me.
98
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,400
If you didn't want me to come,
you shouldn't have asked me.
99
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,640
Okay, I'm sorry I asked you, then.
100
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,296
What does that mean?
101
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,200
- You're sorry I was there?
- No.
102
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,896
I'm saying if you got the wrong impression
103
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:40,040
of what it was gonna be like,
then I'm sorry.
104
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,496
You didn't
want me there at all, did you?
105
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,760
I didn't want to be there myself,
to be honest.
106
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,896
Look, I'm sorry
you didn't have a good time.
107
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,880
But like, it was a funeral.
Don't really know what you expected.
108
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,320
Well, you weren't ignoring Marianne.
109
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,856
I wasn't ignoring anyone.
110
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,976
But you just seemed particularly happy
to see her.
111
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,936
For fuck's sake, Helen.
What?
112
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,160
I mean, does every argument
have to come back to this?
113
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,776
Our friend just killed himself,
and now, you want to start
114
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,840
going at me about Marianne.
Like, seriously?
115
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:21,680
And yeah.
116
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,840
I was happy to see her.
Does that make me a monster?
117
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,200
I've been very sympathetic about Rob
and you know that.
118
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,016
But what do you expect me to do?
Just pretend I don't notice
119
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,576
you're staring at another woman
in front of me.
120
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,496
No, I was not staring at her.
You were, in the church.
121
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,000
It wasn't intentional.
122
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,520
Why do you have to act
so weird around her?
123
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,240
How I act with her
is my normal personality.
124
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,440
I'm... maybe I'm just a weird person.
125
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,296
Most of you will, I hope,
have picked up on the fact that...
126
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,440
This dismantling of the family trope
is fairly radical.
127
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,376
The constitution itself quite literally
defined the Irish...
128
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:34,160
Like, I want to be there for you,
but you just won't let me.
129
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,320
I have tried.
130
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,720
And I feel like I'm holding on
to other, like,
131
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:47,160
frankly legitimate worries or whatever
132
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,640
that existed before all this.
133
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,440
Before you felt like this.
134
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,016
And I can't sit on them
'cause you're feeling so low.
135
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,400
That's just not fair.
136
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,400
I really care about you.
137
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,240
I hate seeing you like this.
138
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,240
But I don't think this is working anymore.
139
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:15,200
I don't know if this was all the way
working before, and now...
140
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,880
all this is just like...
141
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,200
exacerbated it, and...
142
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,360
Okay.
143
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:31,880
I'm sorry.
144
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,840
I'm sorry too.
145
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,240
Do you have friends here in Dublin?
146
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,400
Anyone you're close with that you might
talk to about how you're feeling.
147
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,240
Um...
148
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,600
Niall, maybe.
He's the one who told me about this.
149
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,360
Well, that's good.
150
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,360
He's looking out for you.
151
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,440
Niall.
152
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,440
Okay.
153
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,200
I have another friend that
I'm pretty close with, but, um...
154
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,760
she's on Erasmus this year.
155
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,320
I'm sorry.
That sounds awful.
156
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,016
- I liked Helen.
- HM.
157
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,680
I did.
I genuinely did.
158
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,640
I know she wasn't entirely
fond of me, but...
159
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,760
it's hard to ignore
that she made you happy.
160
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,520
I, I don't know.
161
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:50,920
I don't feel anything.
162
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,240
Then I...
163
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,776
I find myself crying or having
a panic attack
164
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,240
so presumably, I do feel it.
Just, uh...
165
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,440
It just doesn't connect.
166
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:09,720
I understand.
167
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,520
I know you do.
168
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,160
I'm really tired.
169
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,640
You want to sleep?
170
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,000
We can keep Skype on.
171
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,560
Carry me over to your bed.
172
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,200
Is she a friend from college?
173
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,520
We were in school together.
174
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,480
But, uh, she's in Trinity as well.
It's Marianne.
175
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,800
She knew Rob, our friend who died.
176
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,336
But um...
177
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,440
she's away this year, like I said.
178
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,240
You're awake.
179
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,200
Morning.
180
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,960
Is she someone you might talk with
about how you're feeling?
181
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,840
She's been supportive about it.
182
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,760
And she's, um...
183
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,736
She's hard to describe,
if you don't know her.
184
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,920
She's, um...
185
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:44,960
she's really smart.
186
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,040
She's a lot smarter than me.
187
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,360
We, we see the world in a similar way.
And uh...
188
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,896
we've lived our life in the same place.
189
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,200
So obviously, it's, um...
190
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,960
It's a bit different being away from her.
191
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,080
It sounds difficult.
Mm‐hmm.
192
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,320
I don't really click with a lot of people.
193
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,000
I, I struggle with that, actually.
194
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,560
Do you think that's a new problem?
195
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,640
Or is it familiar to you?
196
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:30,760
Mm.
197
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,480
It's, uh, familiar.
198
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,680
I would say, um...
199
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,560
in school, I definitely felt that
200
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,960
feeling of isolation or whatever.
But um...
201
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,520
People seem to like me.
Everything, and...
202
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,720
here, I don't think that, uh...
203
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,680
people like me that much.
204
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,720
Uh, like Rob, my friend who, uh...
205
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:18,360
um, I wouldn't say that we clicked
on a very deep level or anything.
206
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:22,000
But, um, we were friends.
207
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,960
And, uh...
208
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,456
I wouldn't say that we had a lot in common
209
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,640
in terms of interests
or anything like that.
210
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:35,600
Definitely not politically, if we ever
really examined that. But, um...
211
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,440
That stuff didn't really matter in school.
212
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,720
'Cause we were, we were in the same
group of friends, so, you know?
213
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:49,720
I understand that.
214
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:56,120
And, uh, he...
he did some stuff that I, uh...
215
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,296
I wouldn't have been a fan of,
in terms of, like with girls.
216
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,360
But uh...
217
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,440
We were 18, you know.
We just, uh...
218
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,760
we acted like idiots, and uh...
219
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,736
I think...
220
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,800
I felt a bit alienated with that stuff.
221
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,200
And, uh...
222
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,960
I think‐I think I thought if I...
223
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,560
moved here...
224
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,400
I'd fit in better.
225
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,280
I thought, um...
226
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:45,560
I'd meet more like‐minded people
but that just hasn't...
227
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:47,760
um...
228
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:04,360
I left Carricklea thinking
I could have a different life.
229
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:13,320
But I... I hate it here and...
230
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,800
I can never go back.
231
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,120
Because those friendships are gone, and...
232
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,400
and Rob is gone and I,
I can't see him again.
233
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,000
I can't get that life back.
234
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,896
I'm sorry.
235
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,880
You don't need to apologize.
236
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:45,840
She sounds nice.
237
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,360
Yeah.
Sounds good.
238
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,200
Yeah.
239
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:54,776
Well done, Niall.
240
00:22:58,680 --> 00:22:59,960
How do you feel now?
241
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,960
Uh, okay.
242
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,520
Just, um...
243
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,520
Flat, I guess.
244
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,480
Mm.
245
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:13,920
What?
246
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,200
Do you ever feel...
247
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,560
I don't know.
248
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:23,800
Angry?
249
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,960
Uh, about?
250
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:28,760
About Rob.
251
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,720
After the funeral, did you feel angry?
252
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,120
With him?
No.
253
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,320
No, geez, no.
254
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,400
I know that's...
that people feel that when someone...
255
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,560
I couldn't get off Facebook.
256
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,080
Everyone kept commenting on his wall.
257
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:54,880
Yeah.
Like, it made me furious.
258
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,896
Like, what do they mean?
259
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,680
All these people, like
advertising their loss like that.
260
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,680
And who's it for?
Not Rob, obviously.
261
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:07,456
And, like,
what's the etiquette there?
262
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,720
Should I be liking every comment
on his wall?
263
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,656
Well, it sounds like you've
worked through that anger.
264
00:24:13,601 --> 00:24:14,760
No.
265
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,600
Of course, people can grieve
how they want.
266
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,920
- Sorry.
- I get it.
267
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,080
It feels a bit pointless.
268
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,280
Yeah, I think that's it.
269
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,320
And everyone kept talking about...
270
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,800
what a great person he was.
271
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,520
How full of life,
what a devoted son, and I get it.
272
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,720
But what, was that him?
273
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,120
No.
274
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,360
He was insecure.
275
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,640
Obsessed with being liked.
276
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:02,800
I mean, I know I can talk.
But...
277
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,640
I miss you.
278
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,880
I miss you, too, Connell.
19788
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