All language subtitles for Good Talk With Anthony Jeselnik. s01e05_English

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♪ ♪

- Welcome to "Good Talk
with Anthony Jeselnik,"

where the only rules
are union rules.

I run a loose ship.
You'll figure it out.

My guest tonight
is esteemed comedian,

actor, writer,
and most impressive of all,

my friend, Tig Notaro.

Tig, thank you
for being here tonight.

- It's my pleasure, Anthony.

- You pander to the audience

less than any comedian
I think I've ever seen.

Why?
- Do you think you pander?

- No.
It's like, you, and then me.

- Mm-hmm.
- In terms of pandering.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, have you ever

been afraid on stage?
- Yes.

- When?
- I was in Ireland once,

and the audience was saying

that they hated me
and that I was ugly.

And I was trapped
in a corner on stage,

and so, I was a little scared.

- How'd you get out of it?
- I just bummed.

- Mm-hmm.
- For a half hour.

- Yeah, I don't mind that.

- And then, I went
and sat next to the stage

in the audience when
the other comedian went up

and watched the other comedian

when I really
wanted to run out.

But I wanted the audience
to think I was okay,

so I was, like...

[laughter]

And the whole time, I was,
like, "oh, God, oh, God.

Help me."

- If you're bombing,
do you ever have a plan B?

- Well, if I'm bombing--
- Mm-hmm.

- My plan B,
which is also my plan A,

is to be really amused by it.

I find it pretty amusing.
- You like bombing?

- I don't like bombing,
but if it happens,

I really can
take a moment and go,

"This is hilarious."
- Yeah.

- Um, I went to Florida

to get ready for my special
a few years ago,

and I should have known
something was off,

because they had
a picture of me saying,

"Tig Notaro, tonight,
from 'Garfunkel and Oates.'"

From the TV show.
- Yeah.

- I made a maybe
30-second appearance.

And so obviously,
somebody in the office

did a quick Google.

And they gave it
as my one credit.

And then, I went on stage,
and I bombed.

And then, I just kind of came
out of the moment and said,

"Does nobody in this room
find it hilarious

"that, um--that I flew here,

and nobody's recognizing
what I'm doing as humorous?"

And then I sat down at table
with some people,

and talked to them.

- And did that turn it around,
or you just kept on bombing?

- It turned it around.
I went back onstage.

And for some reason,
things started to work.

- They probably just saw,
you know,

"Garfunkel and Oates"
as your credit,

and then,
weren't expecting comedy.

- Probably.

- That's a slam on
a dear, dear friend of mine.

- You're only friends with one?
- Yes.

- Which one?
- The blonde.

- The blonde.
- How important

are LPMs to you?

Laughs per minute.

- Obviously,
not very important.

- No, no.
- I mean--

- Have you ever
gone through your set

to see how many LPMs you get?

[laughter]

- No.
- You should, it's fun.

I'm up to six.

- There's no way.
- Yeah.

- There is no way.
- Six LPMs.

- Can I see
what's on that paper?

[laughter]

- Tig, what was
more satisfying for you?

Dropping out of high school
in the ninth grade,

or later on,
when you achieved your GED?

- Well...

[laughter]

- You seem really off-guard.

- Well, I've never
been invited to something

and have a car service sent,

and have hair
and make-up on me,

and then, been yelled at.

I feel like I'm in the
principal's office right now.

- Because of all the pipes?

- And the books.
And the globes.

[laughter]

Where's the camera?
- Over your shoulder.

Turn around.

But now that
I have you warmed up--

- Yeah.
- Let's get to some good stuff.

What do you think makes me
such a great comedian?

- Hm...

I think--no one cares!

[laughter]

- Was that an impression
of the "who cares" thing?

You've been very outspoken
about the MeToo movement.

Do you do any
celebrity impressions?

- Um, I do.
- Give me one.

- Well, it's weird, because
it's two people at once.

- Okay.
- When I do it,

I don't know if it's
Larry David or Joan Rivers.

- Very similar,
I can see

how you would bleed
those lines together.

Can we see a little bit of it?

- Well, can you ask me
a question or something?

- What would it be like

if Joan Rivers
and Larry David had a baby?

[strained voice]
- I don't know!

[stammers]

That's all.

Am I Larry?
Am I Joan?

[grunts]

- And--
- [grunts]

- How long have you
been working on that?

- Well, I moved to Hollywood
with that impression.

- Mm-hmm.
- From North Hollywood.

[strained voice]
Yes!

[laughter]

- When you
take on acting roles,

you're always playing,
like, a version of yourself.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

These are all
very different characters.

- Yeah, how's that?
- These are all

very different characters.

You know, I'm in "Star Trek"
right now.

- Mm-hmm.
- Tig in space.

- Okay.
- Okay?

I was on
"The Sarah Silverman Program."

- What was your character's
name on that?

- Tig.
- Mm.

- Officer Tig.
I was in law enforcement.

And then, I had my own show.

- What was your name
on that show?

- Tig.

- And you were
completely different.

- Right, I was not in space.
- You were on Earth.

What's your character's name
on--on "Star Trek?"

- Jett Reno.
- Could the writers have

possibly come up with a more
lesbian name for the character?

- Well, you know, it's funny.
I came up with the name.

- I know.
Everyone knows.

You have two
three-year-old twin sons.

- I do.
- If they both wanted

to get into stand-up comedy,
would you let them be

like, a twin act,
going onstage together,

or would you make them
do it separately,

and let the chips fall
where they may?

- [exhales]

I think it's important to get
more twin acts out there.

- Yeah, what would
you call them?

- Twin Act.
- Twin Act.

- Mm-hmm, or Doublevision.
- Ooh, I like Doublevision.

- One word.
- How bad a parent

do you think you would have
to be for both of your kids

to get into stand-up comedy?
- It is my goal.

- It is your goal
to get them into stand-up?

- Yeah, we are trying
to get our kids

into Doublevision.

- Into Doublevision?
- Mm-hmm.

- I could listen
to this all day,

but unfortunately,
we have to go to commercial.

Some say advertising's dead,
but not here at "Good Talk."

It's like "Mad Men"
up in this bitch.

We'll be right back.

[bright classical music]

- I have to go to commercial
right now, too.

[dramatic classical music]

- Welcome back to "Good Talk."

If you're just joining us,
then hit rewind.

I'm here with Tig Notaro,

and she has agreed
to "Agree or Disagree."

Tig, I'm going to make
a statement about comedy.

You tell me
if you agree or disagree.

- All right.

- You should open
with your second strongest joke

and close with your best joke.
Agree or disagree?

- Well, it depends on where the
jokes are in their development.

- I'm going to chalk
that up to disagree.

- Because you could
take a joke that's weaker

and close with it.

And then, you can force it
to become stronger,

because you're closing with it.
- Yeah, I've seen your act.

- Is this your plan,
is having people on

to figure out how to do comedy?

[laughter]

- I--I feel like you're making
this harder than it has to be.

- Next question.
- Thank you.

Agree or disagree:
Most stand-up sucks.

Like, 95% of it
straight-up sucks.

- 99% of it.
- 99% of it sucks.

- Is terrible.
- Yes.

- It's terrible.
- Agree 100%.

Who's your
least favorite comedian?

- Okay, I'm going to say this.
- We can bleep it if you want.

- Do--no, don't bleep it.
- Okay.

- Don't bleep it.
- Okay.

- [mouthing words]

- I don't know
what you're doing.

You said
you were going to say it,

and then, you just mouthed
the words with a smile.

Just say the name.

Okay, I got it.

I'm going to move on
for my own sanity.

Agree or disagree:

Opening for a music act
is a good idea

and fun for both the audience
and the performer.

- Disagree.

- Have you ever had a good time
opening for a band?

- Yeah.
- Like, had a good set.

- Yeah.
- What band?

- I toured with Jens Lekman.
Uh--

- What?

[laughter]

Is Jens Lekman one person
or a lot of Jewish people?

- He's from Sweden.
- He's from Sweden.

- I once opened for a band
where I didn't know the band.

I just got booked to,
like, open for this band.

- What were they called?
- I believe Le Rev.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I'm doing my set--

- Congrats on that booking,
by the way.

- Thank you.
This was 12 years ago.

- 12 years ago today?
- Today.

This is the anniversary.

And I'm getting heckled
by a table in the back

the entire--I can't even
get through a set-up

without them screaming at me.

- Those Le Rev fans are...

- And then, I finished my set.
- Yeah.

- I'm furious.
I introduced the band,

and the table of people
who were heckling me

get up, walk on stage,
pat me on the back,

say "good job," and then pick
up their instruments

and begin to play.

It was the band.
It was La Rev.

- No, I totally followed
that story.

- It was the musicians
I was opening for

who were heckling me.

- Are your agents still, like,

"Come on,
one more La Rev show."

- They do--they do ask about it
every so often,

especially on the anniversary.

- Well, I want to
put it out there.

I don't know where the camera
is because I'm new to the biz,

but I would love
to open for La Rev.

If you're still out there,
and you need someone...

[laughter]

La Rev?

- Agree or disagree:

Every great comedian
should have a catchphrase.

- Oh, I think
it's very important.

- What's your catchphrase?
- Um, my catchphrase is, um--

"I can't make this stuff up!"

[laughter]

That's a good one.
- I started doing that,

and then, I switched to,

"Folks, I can make
this stuff up."

[laughter]

- Do you remember
my catchphrase?

- "I'll strangle you?"
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Agree or disagree:
My hair is better than yours.

- Oof, I do not like your hair.
- Why not?

- It's just--
it's, like, really short,

and then, there's like,
an ocean wave in the front.

- Yeah.
It's my trademark.

- I like your beard.
- Thank you.

- But I do not like
your haircut.

- Do you like my beard
better than your haircut?

- If I could put your beard
on me, I would do it.

But I really think your hair
looks very bad.

- Like, bad on me, or just
anyone who had this haircut

wouldn't be able
to pull it off?

- Well, turn to the side.
Let me see.

And then, the other side.

Yeah, I just don't like it.
- You just don't--not a fan?

- When we were in
hair and make-up,

I noticed it right away,

and I actually thought
it was a bit you were doing.

[laughter]

- Okay, that was
"Agree or Disagree."

Thank you for making it as
painless as you possibly could.

Tig, you're often described

as the most deadpan comedian
in the world.

And as a male comedian,
that statement threatens me.

So I want to have a deadpan-off
with you right now.

We've got some cards
in front of you.

Pick one up.
Read the statement

as deadpan as you possibly can,

and we'll see which one of us
is more deadpan.

Are you ready?
- I--I'm too happy, and like--

- You seem happy.
Let's see if you can do it.

- I can't.

[laughter]

- Go ahead.

- "I can do all things
through Christ,

who strengthens me."

- Okay, you made it through
without stumbling on the words

or without breaking.
That's good.

- Right.
- That's the whole game.

- "Today's good mood
is sponsored by coffee."

- "Your ass is grass and I'm
the lawn mower, butt breath."

[laughter]

- "If this house is a rockin'

"don't bother knockin'
on my van.

"I'm having sex in there.

I don't know what's wrong
with my house."

- "I'll take you
to the candy shop.

"I'll let you
lick the lollipop.

Go 'head girl,
don't you stop."

- "You can pry my guns
from my cold dead hands

after you get your hands
off me, you damn dirty apes."

- Okay, I break right now,
because this is actually true.

"Cowboy butts drive me nuts."

[laughter]

- That's your kryptonite?
It's true?

- Yes, sir.

[laughter]

- Did you hit the camera?
- I did.

- That was really good.
That's going to be

in the promos.

You know what, Tig?
You're not the most

deadpan comedian in the world.
I am.

- I hope that's still
a stack of deadpan--

- All of these were just--
that's the show?

That's all we do?
- Where you just keep going.

You're handsome, Anthony.
You're handsome.

- So are you, Tig.

Tig and I are going
to go to the bathroom,

but we'll be right back.

[bright classical music]

[dramatic classical music]

- And the cameras are back on.

I'm here with Tig Notaro,
currently married with kids.

Tig, it's time
for "Finish the Joke."

all: "Finish the Joke!"

- I'm going to show you the
set-up of a comedian's joke,

and you're going to tell me
how they finish the joke.

all: "Finish the Joke!"
- So basically,

I'll give you the set-up,
and you finish the punchline.

all: "Finish the Joke!"
- You ready?

- Why weren't they here
the whole time?

- They've been here the whole
time just waiting to do that.

- But why weren't
they chiming in?

- Because I didn't say
"finish the joke."

all: "Finish the Joke!"

- Whenever I say
"finish the joke"--

all: "Finish the Joke!"
- They repeat it.

- Right, but it'd be so great
if after everything

you said, they repeated it.

- I think it's funny if they
only repeat "finish the joke."

all: "Finish the Joke!"
- And only when I say it.

Like, if you said
"finish the joke--"

both: "Finish the Joke."
- Then they wouldn't do it.

- They're petering out.
- Yes.

They weren't ready for this.
- Yeah.

- This is all improvisation.

Let's see if we can
finish the joke--

all: "Finish the Joke!"

- With Myq Kaplan--
- Okay.

- From "Live At Gotham."

- I was at a Chinese
restaurant recently

and I was thinking about
how a small duck

is called a duckling,
and I cancelled my order of--

- What did he cancel
his order of?

- I know Myq is a vegan.

He must have cancelled
his order of...

chickens.

[laughter]

- You think that this joke ends
with him saying "chickens?"

- I think he says "chickens."
- Let's see how wrong Tig is.

- And I cancelled
my order of dumplings.

[laughter]

- Chicken dumplings.
- No, no.

You don't get
any credit for that.

But that was "Finish the Joke."
- So--

all: "Finish the Joke!"
- Was he making a joke

that these are small dumps?
- Yes.

- That's good.
- It was good.

I can't believe
you didn't get it.

- I do get it.
- Do you?

- And that's how I respond
to all comedy.

I do get it.

[laughter]

- You must be great
in meetings.

- And it shows
when you're doing your--

your stand-up, you hear in
the audience, "I do get it!"

[laughter]

- Tig, is it fair to say
that your favorite comedian

of all time, maybe one of
your biggest influences,

is Michael Winslow from
the "Police Academy" movies?

- That's fair.
- I know he certainly

had an influence on me

and everything that
I've done comedically.

- That's clear.
- I'm going to play you

a sound effect right now,
and you tell me

if it's the actual sound
or Michael Winslow

from the movie
"Police Academy."

Are you ready?
- Yeah.

But you do know
I do sound effects?

- Of course.
- Okay.

- That's why you're here.

- [honks]

- Tig, is this a helicopter,

or the guy from
"Police Academy?"

[rapid thumping]

- That was a helicopter.

- That was the guy
from "Police Academy."

- Oh, didn't see that coming.
- That was Michael Winslow.

[laughter]

- He's so good.
- [honks]

[laughter]

- That's the second time
you've done that.

Is that a bike horn,
or, like, a clown horn?

- It's any kind of horn
that you want it to be.

- Mm.
- [honks]

Let's go to a clip
where there's a horn.

- Yeah, do not have that--
- [honks]

- We're saving that.

Is this an actual UFO,
unidentified flying object,

or is it Michael Winslow from
the movie, "Police Academy?"

[rhythmic whooshing]

What do you think, Tig?
- It's a UFO.

- It's a real UFO?
- Yeah.

- Nope, it's the guy
from "Police Academy."

Have you seen the movie
"Police Academy?"

- I have not.
- You should.

- [squeaks]
- It's from 30 years ago.

- Today?
- Yes.

- We have a lot to celebrate
today, don't we?

- Yeah.
- Lot of anniversaries.

- You know how we're
going to celebrate?

- No.
- With that horn.

- Which horn?

[laughter]

- Last one, Tig.
Is this a horse--

- Or a helicopter.
- Or is it Michael Winslow

from "Police Academy?"

[high-pitched neigh]

- It has to be a horse.

- It's Michael Winslow
from every single

"Police Academy" movie,
even the one in Russia.

We'll be back with the D block

that makes other D blocks
look like a rehearsal.

But first, Comedy Central
let me screw around

with their comedy library,
and we found a pattern.

- I look like Ernie
from "Sesame Street."

- I look like nachos
and cock-fighting.

- People tell me I look like
a white Chris Rock.

- And they say,
"Vargas, why do you look like

a broke-ass Lenny Kravitz?"

- I look like I was made
at Build-A-Bear.

- I want to apologize up top

for looking like
an Indian Ellen DeGeneres.

- I look like a lesbian

before lesbians even knew
what the look was.

[bright classical music]

[dramatic classical music]

♪ ♪

- And now, we've come
to the end of the show,

and I'd like to use it
to showcase a comedian

who is no longer with us,

in a segment
we call "Make God Laugh."

Tig, is it accurate to say that
your mentor and best friend

was the comedian Bernie Mac?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Let's take a look
at Bernie Mac

doing what he does best,
from HBO's Def Comedy Jam.

[cheers and applause]

- I'm big-bone-ded.
I'm heavy-structured.

I'm hung low.
If I pull my shit out,

this whole room get dark.
Kick it!

[bad beatboxing]

- We couldn't get the rights
to the music,

so that was me doing that.

Tig, how did Bernie Mac
affect your comedy?

- You know, when I first had
fears about getting onstage,

he called me at my house,
and he just said,

"There's nothing
to be afraid of.

You got what it takes, kid."

He gave me some advice on
wardrobe and stage presence,

and he pretty much came
to every show of mine

for the first seven years.

- How long ago was that,
that he made that phone call?

- He made that
phone call in 2009.

- Ten years ago today?
- Yeah.

A year after he passed.
- Unbelievable.

Tig, thank you again
for being my guest tonight

and opening up
as much as you did.

I have to say,
you are hilarious

and absolutely singular.

You can catch Tig at the
10th Anniversary Bentzen Ball

this fall,
and on her new talk show,

"Under a Rock with Tig Notaro,"

which can be currently
found online.

And, until next time,
good talk.

Thank you for being here.

[dramatic classical music]

♪ ♪

[bright classical music]

♪ ♪