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From the beginning of mankind
and throughout the world's history,
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there have been clearly defined rituals
of manhood.
3
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:37,077
See, these rituals were definitive
4
00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:40,748
in determining the exact moment
when a boy became a man.
5
00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:48,797
For example, there's the moment
when a boy joins the other men
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00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,049
in his first engagement in battle.
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Did you know that they used to have
public circumcisions in front of the village?
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Thank God mine didn't go public.
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And the most significant moment of all,
marriage.
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That's right, I said it.
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In fact, marriage used to be
the ultimate goal of boys and men.
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00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,064
Because in the old days,
13
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:09,234
it was the only way a guy could get
what he really wanted from a girl.
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00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:13,405
See now today? Woo!
Things have changed, people.
15
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I mean, men, we don't have to work
as hard to get what we want.
16
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:19,745
We got the Internet, for God's sake.
I can be whatever I want on the Internet.
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00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,790
Today, men have
the home court advantage,
18
00:01:22,957 --> 00:01:25,209
which has left you ladies
with several different types of men.
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I mean, I don't even know where to start.
You got the Player.
20
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,299
Hi, Zekey.
21
00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:33,383
You sexted?
22
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,428
Those aren't mine, asshole.
23
00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:37,554
You sure that's not...
24
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:40,182
Wait a minute, I'm not done.
You got the Mama's Boy.
25
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,101
Happy, Valentine's Day, sweetie.
26
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:45,270
And you, too, Mom.
27
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:47,815
Thank you, sweetie.
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You know, I think I'm just gonna
leave you two alone.
29
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:51,401
Wait, babe, where are you going?
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00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:53,987
It's okay, Michael.
I don't want to intrude.
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- I'll call you?
- Or not.
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00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:57,991
Poor little thing.
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00:01:58,493 --> 00:01:59,827
She's blonde.
34
00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:02,079
You got the Dreamer.
The Dreamer's funny.
35
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,623
So I quit my job.
36
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,208
Yeah,
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00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,668
I wanna be a chef.
38
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,463
You wanted to be a paramedic,
you wanted to be a PR agent, and now
39
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:12,881
you wanna be a chef?
40
00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:14,758
Baby, it's my dream.
41
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:19,805
Really, Dominic? Because I wanted
to be a ballerina and Janet Jackson.
42
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,766
When I was seven.
Do you know what I wanna be now?
43
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:23,892
No.
44
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Your ex.
45
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:30,357
And last but not least,
you got the Non-Committer. Pass the ball!
46
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,317
This one is from me.
47
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All right, baby.
48
00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:36,905
- All right! Now it's a party. Drum roll.
- Okay, big guy.
49
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,285
Oh, my God. I will, I will, I will, yes!
50
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:42,452
You will what?
51
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:51,211
Earrings
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00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:53,922
that I will always treasure.
53
00:02:54,048 --> 00:02:55,090
You the man, boy.
54
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,175
Told you.
55
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,301
- Yo!
- You need a beer?
56
00:02:57,802 --> 00:02:59,970
Now I'm not saying there aren't
a lot of good men out there.
57
00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:02,055
Take, for instance,
the Happily Married Man.
58
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:05,934
Which brings us to my personal favorite,
you got the Happier Divorced Guy.
59
00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:07,477
Look at that smile.
60
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:10,564
What I'm saying is,
the balance of power has shifted.
61
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,399
But, Zeke, those aren't
my only issues with Gail,
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00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:16,069
it's the nagging, it's the yelling,
it's the crazy mood swings.
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00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:18,822
I mean, you're not gonna talk to me
no kind of way. I'm a grown-ass man.
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00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:21,158
- Grown-ass man.
- You know me, Dom, I'm grown.
65
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,660
Them weren't the only problems you
was having with Gail, though, right?
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00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,580
- Yo, Zeke, do not get that man started.
- I'm asking a question!
67
00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:29,333
No, let's get me started up.
Turn the key! Say it, get it out!
68
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,501
Rumor has it that Gail
was whooping that ass.
69
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:32,628
What's the first word you said?
70
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:35,380
- I think it was "whooping that ass."
- No, first word you said was "rumor."
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00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,716
'Cause that's what it was, Zeke.
It's a rumor.
72
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,011
Ced, you walked in the gym the other day
with a little nugget in the side of your eye.
73
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:44,056
I fell down the steps, Mike! Okay?
I got steps, my steps got a slope in them.
74
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,766
You ever walked down a slope
with dress shoes on?
75
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:48,352
Wait, so, she kicked your ass,
then you fell down the steps?
76
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:50,687
- See, now it makes perfect sense.
- That's real funny.
77
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,023
Look at the white man trying to make light
of the relationship issues
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00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:54,858
- of a brother.
- It's not like that.
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00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:56,276
No, it is like that.
Let me tell you something, J.
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00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:59,613
Black people marched and died for the right
to fight and treat each other like shit.
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- Oh, my God.
- You did not march,
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00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,532
you do not have that right.
Neither do you, Bennett.
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00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:05,202
I saw it on TV.
They show those marches a lot in February.
84
00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:06,245
Stop.
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00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:08,205
Your wife kicked your ass.
It's really not that big of a deal.
86
00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:10,457
- There's worse things.
- It's my ex-wife. Okay?
87
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,168
Y'all need to get in the habit
of saying that. Ex-wife.
88
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:15,462
You know, it really kills me how y'all like
to laugh at my pain.
89
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:18,423
I can't wait till y'all experience
the shit I'm experiencing.
90
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:21,426
I say Rush Street,
first round on Bennett.
91
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:23,929
I'm supposed to have dinner
with Kristen tonight.
92
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:29,768
She'll understand, she's cool.
I'll send her a text.
93
00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,561
Welcome back, everybody.
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00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:36,233
We are still here with
best-selling author Steve Harvey.
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00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:40,696
Well, what I try to get women to understand
is that times have changed,
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00:04:40,863 --> 00:04:42,531
but your playbook hasn't.
97
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:45,575
I've gotten thousands of letters
from all kinds of women
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00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:49,913
who can't seem to find a man, keep a man
or get what they want from their man.
99
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:52,708
Until you understand how a man loves,
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00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:55,294
how a man operates, how he thinks,
101
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:58,505
until you get into the mindset of a man,
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00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:01,425
you will never win with us
in the game of love.
103
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,511
Well, we certainly want to win with you
in the game of love, Steve.
104
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,514
- We have a question in the audience.
- Hi, Steve.
105
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:10,058
I've been living
with my boyfriend for five years
106
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,186
and he says that he loves me
and he's fully committed.
107
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:16,023
I guess what I want to know
is how come he hasn't popped the question?
108
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:19,568
He hasn't popped the question
because you haven't required him to.
109
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,528
We'll be right back.
110
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,325
- Can I get two beers?
- Hey!
111
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:30,203
I'm Cedric. Cedric, Cedric.
112
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,165
Yeah, I'm not married.
That's why I'm not wearing a ring.
113
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,876
I'm sorry, but Jesus has my heart.
114
00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:39,421
Yeah, no, no, no, I get that.
I love Jesus, too.
115
00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:43,967
I talked to him today,
I was like, "Jesus," I said, "I need a girl!"
116
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:46,678
And I get here and I see you,
so I was like, "Thank you."
117
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,638
You see Ced over there trying
to pull that PYT?
118
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:51,725
Oh, she bad as hell.
119
00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:54,019
See, thinking like that, you lose the game
before you even step in.
120
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,270
What are you talking about?
121
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:57,647
I'ma go on and leave.
122
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:02,319
She's crazy.
And I don't like her knees.
123
00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,696
Excuse me, Miss.
I noticed that you were...
124
00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:08,241
Honestly, I couldn't care less
about whatever it is you have to say.
125
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:09,368
And I can appreciate that.
126
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:12,371
I just know that I've seen you here before
and you're usually so stunning...
127
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,164
And you'll always have those memories.
128
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,833
In fact, why don't you walk away
and pretend this...
129
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,502
I don't know what I did
to make you so defensive.
130
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,880
All I'm saying is, whatever it is,
it's no reason to let yourself go, that's it.
131
00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:23,548
Let myself go?
132
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:24,758
I didn't mean any disrespect...
133
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:26,176
Let me tell your tired ass something.
134
00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:27,260
Something's changed.
135
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:30,430
Usually, there's an aura,
there's a glint about you that I'm not seeing.
136
00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:35,519
And I don't know if it's a relationship
or if it's job related, it's just...
137
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:36,812
Is that it?
138
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,398
It's work related?
139
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:43,485
Well, to be honest,
140
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,030
I was laid off from my job
about two months ago.
141
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,115
This damn economy.
142
00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,908
- How'd it go?
- Not good, man.
143
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:53,328
Yo, I literally have nothing to say anymore.
I don't know what's going on.
144
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,413
And my breath ain't right.
145
00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:56,540
- Drink a beer.
- You smell it?
146
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:59,376
You can't let that steal your smile,
'cause that smile that I'm talking about,
147
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:01,461
that's gonna get you that next CEO gig,
you get it?
148
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:02,712
See now? See? You're smiling.
149
00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:04,589
Now I'm smiling.
150
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,925
I'ma walk away from here like a fairy now,
'cause I'm all happy.
151
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,802
- A fairy?
- Yeah.
152
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,721
- Have a good evening.
- Thank you.
153
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:14,975
Got shot down.
154
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,018
Wait.
155
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:22,983
She calling him back
for another episode of crazy.
156
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:24,401
Here.
157
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,862
She probably shot him down. Twice.
158
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:31,116
Crazy, right? Man. Talking about Jesus
and she don't speak English and stuff, right?
159
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,035
Luck of mine.
She actually gave me her damn number.
160
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:36,580
The Dark Knight strikes again.
161
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:37,831
How great is Kristen, man?
162
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:38,915
Nice.
163
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,083
She's a phenomenal girl.
164
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,668
I just don't understand
why she's with this dude.
165
00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:43,503
- Nobody does.
- How good is your credit?
166
00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:45,839
It's up. Low 400s, 430?
167
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:50,010
Goddamn! A 430?
You can't even get a Discover Card!
168
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,636
Don't white people start off
with a 500 credit score?
169
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,181
Five-fifty, 475 if you're a mulatto.
170
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:55,599
Cedric!
171
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:56,933
Yes, Gail.
172
00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,769
Gail, listen to what I'm trying to say!
Gail, I don't care!
173
00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:02,898
I don't care what you take out the garage!
Gail, you can take the whole damn garage.
174
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:06,151
Let me tell you something. Here's what
I want, and this is what's... Hello?
175
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,360
Gail?
176
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,570
Y'all, I swear...
177
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,447
She didn't let me finish my sentence.
I don't like that.
178
00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:12,657
Hey, Ced. When's the divorce
gonna be final?
179
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:16,203
Goodness, if I had to guess,
I'd say like four weeks, 367 hours,
180
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,787
22 minutes, 32 seconds.
181
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:18,914
That's just a guess.
182
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,624
- Who's counting?
- But you know what we should do?
183
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:22,876
We should take Cedric out
for celebration game night.
184
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:26,421
I can't do Sunday. This Sunday,
dinner with my ma. Little casserole action...
185
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:27,547
That's every Sunday.
186
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:31,009
I can't do Sunday either.
Jonah's got a violin recital.
187
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,470
My God, dude,
your kid has way too many recitals.
188
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:36,056
Wait a minute, hold on, wait.
Your son play the violin?
189
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,933
And the cello.
- Yo, he's gay.
190
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,143
- Playing the violin doesn't make him gay.
- Yes, it does.
191
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:42,479
- Name me one gay violinist.
- Your son.
192
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:46,024
Listen to this. Cedric is about
to be released from the shackles of Gail-Hell.
193
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,486
Forever. And we're about to miss it
for what? Another Jonah recital.
194
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,613
- By the way, he sucks.
- Really?
195
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,448
I'd expect that from them, not you.
196
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,034
- What do you mean, "them"?
- Like what, like black people or what?
197
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,369
Absolutely.
198
00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,412
I don't get mad
because he's bold enough to say it.
199
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,331
Seriously, you have ears. Kid's tone-deaf.
200
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,875
This is his big solo.
They're playing the Gap Band.
201
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:07,128
You know, Dropped a Bomb on Me,
and he's got the last... "Baby!"
202
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:09,839
Look, I got a great idea.
I'll have my mom cook for us.
203
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,926
She'll make some chocolate chip cookies,
a big casserole. We'll do it the right way.
204
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:14,970
Mike, I almost punched you
in your damn face just now, man.
205
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,096
And I was gonna add a head butt.
206
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:18,974
I'm not going over your mom house
to celebrate my damn divorce party!
207
00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:21,393
- We gotta eat. We can start there...
- I don't wanna eat with your mom!
208
00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:22,769
I ain't going over his mom house.
209
00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:26,189
Look, she just got the new Tyler Perry,
For Colored Girls on Blu-ray.
210
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,984
We'll just have a nice little fellas night,
a chill-out night.
211
00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:31,152
Let me tell you what happens,
Janet Jackson gets AIDS at the end
212
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,697
and some crazy guy throws his kids
out the window. You good?
213
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:35,448
- Can we party now? Let's do it!
- I hate you.
214
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:37,576
- All right, put 'em up!
- Yes, sir.
215
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:40,912
Fine, I'm in, man.
216
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,416
Life is great, fellas. May it never change.
217
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,919
None of us could have known that
the first bomb had been dropped.
218
00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,421
The war had been declared.
219
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,966
And hard-worn secrets had now fallen
into the hands of the enemy.
220
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,219
We had been betrayed
by one of our own. A man.
221
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,971
I'm talking about a man with a penis.
222
00:09:58,055 --> 00:09:59,723
Someone who should know better.
223
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:02,642
And because of those actions,
a blitz was now on its way,
224
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:05,228
that would affect my entire
Band of Brothers.
225
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,522
We have another question in the audience,
Steve.
226
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:10,025
Steve, I keep hooking up with guys
who don't want a relationship.
227
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:11,443
Why don't you stop hooking up?
228
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,652
Did you hear that?
229
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:17,699
Listen, men respect women
who have standards. Just get some.
230
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:19,534
Exactly.
231
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,996
Steve, I'm a partner in my law firm,
I own my own home,
232
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:25,040
but I've been single for three years.
233
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:27,834
Why can't I seem to find a man
to live up to my standards?
234
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,961
Maybe you need to adjust them a little bit.
235
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,963
- Bullshit.
- Are you saying that we should settle?
236
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,633
Look, you make six figures.
Does he have to?
237
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:35,717
Yes.
238
00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:38,136
You own your own home. Does he have to?
239
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:39,304
Yes and yes.
240
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,014
We have another question here
in the audience.
241
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:44,934
Hi, Steve. I'm currently dating
and I just wanna know
242
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:49,064
when is the right time for me
to introduce my man to my kid?
243
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:53,818
I know that single women don't want to have
a parade of men coming through the house.
244
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,070
- Exactly!
- I get that.
245
00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:57,197
- But if a guy is a serious contender...
- What up, Momma?
246
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,531
Excuse you?
247
00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:00,492
- ...bring him in as soon as possible.
- Morning, Mom.
248
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:04,329
Because if you invest six months in a man
and then you introduce him to the kids
249
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:07,916
and he's not feeling the kids,
or vice versa,
250
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:10,710
then guess what?
You just wasted six months.
251
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,754
That's true. Did that.
252
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:23,306
Alex?
253
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:27,686
Alex!
254
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,145
Wake up!
255
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,318
Look, babe, I got us
two double-shot lattes.
256
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,612
- Thanks, baby.
- Here.
257
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:40,615
Figured we needed some caffeine
after last night.
258
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,784
It was amazing.
259
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,039
I'm gonna go and freshen up.
260
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,668
So, I'll be right back.
261
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:53,545
I'll be right here.
262
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,424
Don't move.
263
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:58,633
Don't worry, I won't.
264
00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:04,514
So, babe, I was thinking maybe
we could go on our first real date.
265
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,391
- We could go see a movie?
- Yeah, babe.
266
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:10,186
We should do that. Things between us
are gonna start getting real serious, baby.
267
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:14,107
Okay, so I was thinking maybe we could
go see the new Tyler Perry movie.
268
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,484
You know, the one where the guy's,
like, mean to his girlfriend,
269
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:20,864
and a nice guy comes and rescues her
and at the end, they both find Jesus.
270
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:25,368
Alex? So, yes to the Tyler Perry movie?
271
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,620
Alex!
272
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:34,627
"Michelle"?
273
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,048
It's Mya, asshole!
274
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:40,967
Mya.
275
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,972
Did this nigga take my coffee?
276
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:49,058
It was like some long-hidden truth
had finally been released
277
00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,269
in hardcover and paperback.
278
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,188
For my book club.
279
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:54,898
- For me!
- For my mom!
280
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,650
For the first time in their lives,
women all over
281
00:12:57,818 --> 00:13:00,612
stopped turning to other women
for relationship advice.
282
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,821
Really?
283
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:03,072
I got one too many.
284
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,240
Thank you.
285
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,494
Instead, they went straight to a man,
Steve Harvey.
286
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:11,372
He had made his name as a comedian,
but this shit here? This wasn't funny.
287
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,667
And because of this,
things would never be the same.
288
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:38,691
Excuse me?
289
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,320
Yeah, hi. Hey, did you by any chance
go to Fairfax High?
290
00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:43,780
Yes.
291
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,406
I went there as well.
Michael Hanover.
292
00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,408
- Candace Hall.
- Yeah, I remember.
293
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:49,035
I had classes with your sister Lisa.
294
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,412
- Next in line.
- I'm sorry, I don't recognize you.
295
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:55,291
Well, yeah, I was, like, five feet tall,
99 pounds when we graduated.
296
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:57,627
I had the glasses and the buck teeth.
297
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,339
That look familiar, maybe down here?
298
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,841
Yeah, you do.
299
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:06,886
I don't know if that's a good thing
or a bad thing. You dissing me already?
300
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,055
Well, you've grown up.
Quite nicely.
301
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:11,558
And you haven't changed a bit.
You look amazing.
302
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,395
Well, you need to put those
glasses back on, obviously.
303
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,856
No, actually, I'm nearsighted.
304
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:20,900
Besides, I mean, how could I forget
my teenage crush?
305
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,945
I used to look at you
walk down the hallway
306
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,823
and just fall into your smile.
307
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,827
I'm rambling, I do that
when I get nervous.
308
00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:32,495
Next in line.
309
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:35,206
Well, it was nice meeting,
I mean, seeing you.
310
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:38,334
It's nice finally being seen.
311
00:14:38,502 --> 00:14:39,919
Next in line, please.
312
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,303
Candace?
313
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:51,347
Could we go grab a cup of coffee
or something?
314
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:53,099
We could maybe catch up
on old times we never had.
315
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,352
I can't, actually. I have to pick up my...
316
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,770
- Husband?
- No...
317
00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:59,689
- You got a boyfriend?
- No, I have a son.
318
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,364
Well, how about dinner?
319
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,329
Yeah.
320
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:19,500
- I finally get it.
- Get what?
321
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:22,503
Getting Jeremy to propose
is like getting Jeremy to paint the kitchen
322
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:23,963
or put the toilet seat down.
323
00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:27,508
It's not gonna happen
until I require him to.
324
00:15:27,676 --> 00:15:30,345
And I haven't required him
to do a damn thing.
325
00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:32,472
You know we still go halfsies
on everything?
326
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,141
- I thought that was your idea.
- Yeah, in college.
327
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,310
He was work study and I felt sorry for him.
328
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,562
And I am still paying for it, to this day.
329
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,105
Hey, I'm Kristen.
330
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,399
- Hi, welcome.
- Welcome, please sign in.
331
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:47,028
- Congratulations.
- Thank you. Six months.
332
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,655
Yeah, and we can't wait.
333
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:50,531
Thank you.
334
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:52,867
Here, come on.
335
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,578
- Watch your step.
- See, that is a man with a plan.
336
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:57,914
He knows what he wants,
he knows what he has.
337
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:03,169
I sell beautiful homes for a living
and we live in a frat house for the boys.
338
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,588
Last Valentine's Day, the boys were there.
339
00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:06,881
So, you're saying, you're...
340
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:10,760
My God, I'm one of the boys,
except I have a vagina!
341
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:13,346
I swear to God,
Frodo Baggins had it easier.
342
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,015
- I'm sorry, who?
- Frodo, from The Hobbit.
343
00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,433
I don't do hobbits.
344
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:21,187
Right, no, me neither. That's so lame.
Jeremy had a chess set.
345
00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,522
It's totally stupid.
346
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:23,773
Okay, so what are you gonna do?
347
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,441
You're gonna trick him
into giving you a ring?
348
00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:29,737
I'm not gonna trick him.
I'm going to require him.
349
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,531
It's been nine years.
350
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,533
So, what makes you think
it's gonna change now?
351
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,034
I've got some new information.
352
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:36,369
Oh, you do?
353
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:39,914
Yeah, because Steve says
"Don't hate the Player..."
354
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,041
Change the game.
355
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,252
It's your shot. Wait!
356
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,420
You gotta raise your left leg.
357
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,428
H-O, you're a ho.
358
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,721
Really? I'm a ho?
359
00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:56,389
I've been with the same woman
for nine years.
360
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,391
I'm the Stedman Graham of relationships,
all right?
361
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,309
Bro, I'm not saying ho like "whore."
362
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,729
I'm saying ho, like punk bitch
that's been henpecked,
363
00:17:02,896 --> 00:17:05,481
so he ain't got no more nuts,
'cause his girl runs the house.
364
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:07,900
- Speaking of which, how's Kristen?
- She's incredible.
365
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:11,070
We were up till 2:00 a.m. playing
Call of Duty last night. She loved it.
366
00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:13,156
She does it... She does it for you.
367
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:16,492
I know my woman, okay? Fantasy?
Science fiction? Action figures?
368
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,162
- All the stuff I love, she loves, too.
- No, she does that shit
369
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:20,913
for you, trust me.
Deep down inside, she's thinking...
370
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,791
This is some silly-ass shit.
371
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:26,169
What the hell?
372
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:29,297
No wonder Jeremy hasn't proposed yet,
he hasn't gone through puberty.
373
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,175
It's time for a little spring cleaning.
374
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,179
You first.
375
00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:38,181
No, no. That's your problem, Gail.
376
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,183
You don't never want to listen,
you just want to talk.
377
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:41,851
What'd I say?
I said I'm gonna be there tomorrow.
378
00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:44,270
No, no, no. Listen, Gail...
379
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:45,772
- I'm not gonna go back and forth with you.
- Oh, man.
380
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,357
'Cause I'm trying to talk and you ain't gonna
let me say what I... Hello?
381
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,734
Gail?
382
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,986
Did it again. Hung up on me again.
383
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:53,988
What do you call
the three rings of marriage?
384
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,198
No clue.
385
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,992
The engagement ring, the wedding ring,
and the suffer-ring.
386
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,952
Oh, and, in your case, the beat-ing.
387
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,789
This is not the time. You know,
y'all underestimate me because I'm short.
388
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:03,998
No, it's 'cause you a fool.
389
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,875
What up? What's happening, baby?
390
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,502
The hell's wrong with you?
391
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:09,378
- You're stoned.
- Yeah, you're high!
392
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:13,299
Either you're high, or everything
on my eHarmony profile is true.
393
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:14,884
I'm high off life, gentlemen.
394
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:16,636
I met this girl.
395
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:21,349
No, matter of fact, she's not even a girl.
I met a woman.
396
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,017
But you are a woman.
397
00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:29,482
Order up!
398
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,485
Hey, guess who's back. Table eight.
399
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,824
She is way out of your league, Dom.
400
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:39,826
Ain't no such thing, playboy.
401
00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:43,496
All right, she probably spends more here
in one night than you make in a month.
402
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:48,042
That's true, but, you know, just think
how much she'll save if I cook for her.
403
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,335
Oh, you crazy.
404
00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:51,087
Dominic. Scallions?
405
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:52,839
All right, Chef, coming up.
406
00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,007
- Well, you look cute. What's going on?
- I do?
407
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,093
- Yes.
- Thank you, that was nice of you.
408
00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,429
Just, you know, Duke made Little League,
got a new laptop, met a guy.
409
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,723
I think I'm gonna try the white sea bass.
410
00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:04,600
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Met a what?
411
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:05,726
A guy.
412
00:19:05,936 --> 00:19:07,186
A real one? Not a blow-up doll?
413
00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:09,730
Okay, don't look so surprised. It's not that...
414
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:13,025
Honey, I'm just saying,
it's been two years since your divorce.
415
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:15,695
And three, maybe four,
since you had sex.
416
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:19,031
I said I met a guy, Lauren,
I didn't say I was changing my last name.
417
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,199
Yet.
418
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,536
I need all the details, honey.
Now. Spill it.
419
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,955
- Is she hot?
- Pure fire.
420
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:27,123
Does she got real big titties?
421
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,208
Yeah, what's the rack like?
Tell us about the rack.
422
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,544
The rack.
Definitely some white boy shit.
423
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,713
It is white boy shit.
We love breasts.
424
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,715
You're not even white, Bennett.
You're clear.
425
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:38,134
- He's got kind eyes. Soulful.
- Yes!
426
00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:39,302
He's sensitive.
427
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:40,887
I know she got a fat ass.
428
00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:43,556
She got that JLo, Serena Williams mash up.
429
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,350
Ass so big, I could hide underneath it
if it was raining.
430
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,060
- That's way too much ass.
- No such thing.
431
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:49,770
Damn right, it ain't. The bigger, the better.
432
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:54,609
But it wasn't just a physical attraction,
it was intellectual.
433
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,236
He loved The Immortal Life
of Henrietta Lacks.
434
00:19:57,404 --> 00:20:00,072
He bought one for his mom's book club.
Isn't that sweet?
435
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,532
Yeah, and kind of gay.
436
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,617
He's a gentleman.
437
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:05,036
- Yo, she a ho. I know she a ho.
- Oh, definitely a ho.
438
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:08,414
Both of you, you both watch your mouth,
all right? This one's not a ho.
439
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:09,624
She's a lady.
440
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,876
- Whipped already.
- Enjoy it while it lasts, Mike.
441
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,920
Let me tell you something,
it ain't gonna last forever.
442
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:15,379
They all start out happy.
443
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,089
See, but here's when it gets real.
444
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,217
When you wake up in the morning,
and you go in the living room,
445
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,594
and you catch her pissing
inside of your Jordans.
446
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,054
And not the regular Jordans.
447
00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:25,014
I'm talking about the ones
with the patent leather on the side,
448
00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:26,224
where the pee don't come out.
449
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:28,434
Don't listen to them, Mike.
Relationships are beautiful.
450
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:31,270
- Just saying.
- So, when are you guys going out?
451
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:34,565
Saturday night.
She got to find a sitter, first, and then...
452
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:35,775
What, like a dog sitter?
453
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,109
No, she has a son.
454
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:38,778
- What?
- She has a child.
455
00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,446
All right, well,
be careful dating a baby mama.
456
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,115
- Why?
- Because she's the baby mama.
457
00:20:43,283 --> 00:20:45,618
Dude, she ain't looking for a couple laughs
and some butt-naked sex.
458
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:47,453
She been a couple laughs
and some butt-naked sex.
459
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:48,996
- Preach.
- She looking for a husband.
460
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,499
A father for her son.
Speaking of which, where's the baby daddy?
461
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,459
- Oh, good question, Zeke.
- Thank you.
462
00:20:53,543 --> 00:20:54,543
Could be a psycho.
463
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,629
Just got paroled
for killing her last boyfriend.
464
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,090
Or he could be one of those guys
that like to hide in a bush
465
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,509
waiting for a strange guy
to come to his baby mom's house.
466
00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,970
And when he gets there,
he pops out the bushes
467
00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:05,972
hits this guy on the back of the head
with a brick.
468
00:21:06,139 --> 00:21:09,308
Without even realizing that this guy's
relationship with his baby mom was platonic.
469
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,810
They ever catch that guy?
470
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:13,688
No, it's a cold case.
The cops won't even revisit the case.
471
00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,022
They said they couldn't find the brick.
472
00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:18,609
I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
473
00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:21,112
- None of that matters.
- Really?
474
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:23,531
'Cause you should see her smile.
475
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:26,284
- Oh, shit. All right! Okay.
- Good night, Mike.
476
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:28,828
Talking to you about bricks!
You wanna go talk about a smile.
477
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:31,622
- There is one thing, though.
- I knew it, he was born a woman.
478
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:32,832
No.
479
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,710
- He's, you know, he's...
- He's what?
480
00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:36,961
A little younger.
481
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,671
You have kidnapped a cub,
haven't you?
482
00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:41,299
No, I'll have you know,
he seems very mature, actually.
483
00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,010
Wait a minute,
why am I getting all worked up?
484
00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:45,303
We haven't even had a date yet.
485
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:47,847
I still need to qualify
if he's even a contender.
486
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:49,265
Qualify?
487
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:50,766
What are his long-term goals?
488
00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:52,685
What are his short-term goals?
Can he provide?
489
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,478
Don't hit him with all that at once.
490
00:21:54,646 --> 00:21:57,690
I know, don't worry.
I intend to be stealth.
491
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:59,692
You? How?
492
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:04,405
By acting like a lady,
but thinking like a man.
493
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:06,699
Oh, you fell for that sexist crap?
494
00:22:06,867 --> 00:22:09,035
He's actually giving insight
into a man's perspective.
495
00:22:09,202 --> 00:22:12,580
Why should I have to lower my standards
to get a man? Who does that?
496
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:14,206
I'm sorry. Now, what man?
497
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:15,583
I just want my equal.
498
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:18,377
Okay? Or at least an attractive,
cultured man.
499
00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:22,882
Who's over six feet tall, makes six figures,
and isn't intimidated by my success.
500
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,301
Okay, girl. Quit chasing the ghost
of James Merrill's past.
501
00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:27,386
He is married and long gone.
502
00:22:27,554 --> 00:22:28,596
That man was fine.
503
00:22:28,764 --> 00:22:31,057
Here we go.
Let's do a little research, here.
504
00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:33,184
- This is you.
- Please, I don't...
505
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:35,728
"Strong, independent,
and lonely women."
506
00:22:35,896 --> 00:22:38,481
I don't need some bald-headed man
on a book
507
00:22:38,565 --> 00:22:40,232
telling me I am strong
and independent.
508
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,359
Honey, that's a given.
509
00:22:41,568 --> 00:22:42,610
But you forgot lonely.
510
00:22:42,778 --> 00:22:44,070
You are a bitch.
511
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:45,404
You're too strong, Lauren.
512
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:48,866
There's no such thing as too strong.
And you know what?
513
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:53,287
If I were a man, being the youngest COO
of a Fortune 500 company
514
00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:56,123
would actually be a good thing.
Women would flock.
515
00:22:56,291 --> 00:22:58,042
Yeah, but men flee
when you lead with that.
516
00:22:58,210 --> 00:22:59,794
And it's not just your job, Lauren.
517
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:02,171
Remember what Marcel said
on your last date,
518
00:23:02,255 --> 00:23:03,297
after you trumped his wine choice?
519
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:05,633
- It was a better choice.
- What were his words again?
520
00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:08,928
"You don't need a man, Lauren,
you are a man."
521
00:23:09,471 --> 00:23:11,889
Happy belated birthday. For you.
522
00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:16,769
I'm just saying, all this waiting for better?
It's making you bitter.
523
00:23:20,982 --> 00:23:22,441
Hey, babe?
524
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:26,612
I stopped off for a beer,
but picked us up some dinner.
525
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:29,031
Oh, my God.
526
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:32,952
Oh, my God! My anime posters!
We got robbed!
527
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,746
Kris! Are you home?
528
00:23:35,914 --> 00:23:37,623
Yes. Where's the fire?
What's going on?
529
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:39,291
Have you not noticed
that we've been robbed?
530
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,585
I just tidied up a little bit. Relax.
531
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:43,587
- Tidied up?
- Yeah.
532
00:23:43,755 --> 00:23:46,966
Justice League? Darth Vader? SpongeBob?
Where are they? Are they okay?
533
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:48,843
They are safe. They're fine.
534
00:23:50,345 --> 00:23:52,847
I just thought we could paint
the living room.
535
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:55,516
Paint.
536
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,144
- Okay.
And redecorate.
537
00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:01,605
- Redecorate?
- Yeah.
538
00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:04,108
I thought you loved that stuff.
Why would you want to do that?
539
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:05,985
Because it looks like
we live in a frat house, Jeremy.
540
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:07,987
- Oh, stop it.
- We are adults, for Christ's sakes.
541
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,864
We make a decent living.
542
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:12,158
I think it's time to invest
and make this a real home.
543
00:24:12,325 --> 00:24:15,494
With matching dishes and glasses
544
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:19,290
and a new couch.
545
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,167
Well, what's wrong with my couch?
546
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:25,463
Baby, you pulled it out of a dumpster.
547
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:26,630
Yeah.
548
00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:29,383
I'm pretty sure Annalisa was impregnated,
like, right there.
549
00:24:29,551 --> 00:24:32,636
It's got cigarette burns, bong spills,
there was the scabies scare of '06.
550
00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:34,305
- You're being dramatic.
- No, I'm really not.
551
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:38,476
Your aunt who tinkles when she laughs?
She pissed all over the couch last Christmas.
552
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:40,686
It's disgusting. We're like animals.
553
00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:43,564
I cleaned up the bong spill
and the cigarette burns.
554
00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:45,024
This couch has history.
555
00:24:45,192 --> 00:24:47,193
And now it is history.
556
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:51,113
So, here are some new ideas.
557
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:55,451
I thought we could look it over.
Research some new styles.
558
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:57,203
Gotta zero in on a color palette.
559
00:24:57,537 --> 00:25:00,331
I know you like mauve. You know?
560
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:04,335
There was that period you went through,
where you were partial to salmon.
561
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:07,129
Yeah, I'd rather watch Letters to Juliet
with you again.
562
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,757
I know you would. 'Cause you cried
at the end when they got reunited.
563
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,592
I wasn't crying, okay?
564
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:14,303
I was having an allergic reaction
to the perfume in the theater.
565
00:25:14,387 --> 00:25:15,387
You bought the soundtrack.
566
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,473
It's a good soundtrack.
567
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:20,226
Look, I'm really bad at this. Okay?
568
00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:21,685
Please, can you do this?
569
00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:23,187
- Without me?
- Really?
570
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:24,897
Really.
571
00:25:25,065 --> 00:25:26,232
By myself?
572
00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,192
Yeah.
573
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:31,445
- I trust you.
Awesome.
574
00:25:31,613 --> 00:25:32,821
Okay, let me ask you a question.
575
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:35,908
Where is the last guy that you slept with
in less than 90 days?
576
00:25:35,992 --> 00:25:37,076
You mean, John?
577
00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:38,285
Hey! Baby!
578
00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:39,620
'Sup, girl?
579
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,247
Hey, I had a great time the other night.
580
00:25:41,414 --> 00:25:42,414
Oh, did you, Alex?
581
00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:43,874
Yeah, Melanie. I was gonna call you...
582
00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,418
Melanie? It's Mya, negro.
583
00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:48,462
Yeah. I gotta go. So, I'll call you.
584
00:25:48,630 --> 00:25:51,423
I know you did not just call her Melanie.
585
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,759
It's okay.
I'm not even gonna let him get to me.
586
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:56,095
I am in a better place
and I am on another level.
587
00:25:57,597 --> 00:26:00,099
I don't know, Sonia.
I feel like I have X-ray vision.
588
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:01,850
Like, Man Goggles.
589
00:26:01,935 --> 00:26:05,479
We spend all this time complaining about
how guys don't want to be in relationships,
590
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:06,814
they just want to hook up.
591
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,732
But really, all along, we've had the power.
592
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:11,026
Right. We have?
593
00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,904
Yes! We control the cookie.
594
00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:15,781
She who controls the cookie
controls the game.
595
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:18,826
Okay, I got it. What's the cookie?
596
00:26:19,786 --> 00:26:21,787
- It's a metaphor.
- For what?
597
00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:23,372
For...
598
00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:29,128
- Yes. The cookie!
- The cookie!
599
00:26:29,296 --> 00:26:30,379
I got it. The cookie!
600
00:26:30,463 --> 00:26:32,298
I'm telling you, the power's in the cookie.
601
00:26:32,465 --> 00:26:34,675
So, how do we control the cookie?
602
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:36,427
By putting it in the cookie jar,
603
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,971
clasping the lid on tight,
and leaving it in there.
604
00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:40,139
Okay.
605
00:26:40,223 --> 00:26:43,058
Until some little boy actually grows up
and earns it.
606
00:26:43,143 --> 00:26:44,184
I get it.
607
00:26:44,269 --> 00:26:47,354
It's kind of like when my cousin had
the five-date rule. It was similar to that.
608
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:48,647
Oh, no. That's child's play.
609
00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:50,733
I'm thinking something
a little bit more radical.
610
00:26:50,817 --> 00:26:53,861
See, this is why you need to get the book,
because it has a whole chapter on it.
611
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,822
"Getting The Respect That You Deserve:
The 90-Day Rule."
612
00:26:56,906 --> 00:26:57,948
Are you high?
613
00:26:58,033 --> 00:26:59,950
- No.
- Who is waiting 90 days?
614
00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:02,411
If it's good enough
for the Fortune 500 company,
615
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:03,787
it's good enough for me.
616
00:27:03,955 --> 00:27:07,666
See, when I worked at Ford Motor Company,
there was a 90-day probation rule.
617
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:11,503
I had to be on the job for 90 days
before they gave me a benefit package.
618
00:27:11,671 --> 00:27:14,798
Ford figured this,
"Let's see how he performs.
619
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:19,845
"If he comes in on time, if he proves himself,
then we'll give him benefits."
620
00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:24,975
So if Ford Motor Company waits 90 days
to pass out their benefit package,
621
00:27:25,352 --> 00:27:26,685
why won't women wait?
622
00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:27,895
You see, that's our problem.
623
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:31,440
It's that we keep giving it away
to some Axe body spray wearing man-ho
624
00:27:31,524 --> 00:27:32,691
who thinks my name's Melanie.
625
00:27:32,859 --> 00:27:35,527
But it doesn't matter,
because a girl's got needs.
626
00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:39,531
Listen to yourself.
Do you really think you could wait 90 days?
627
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:43,702
Yes. I spent six months dreaming about
a guy that I met once at a wedding weekend.
628
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:45,537
The one you had sex with at the beach?
629
00:27:45,705 --> 00:27:47,790
Yes, who never called.
630
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:50,000
Yeah, so,
I definitely think I could do 90 days.
631
00:27:50,168 --> 00:27:52,211
Matter of fact,
I could do 90 days before 90 days.
632
00:27:52,379 --> 00:27:55,506
I am so sick and tired of men.
Maybe I should start dating women.
633
00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:57,966
My God, I'll give you 50 bucks
if you guys kiss.
634
00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:00,219
- But there has to be tongue.
- Boy, get out of here!
635
00:28:00,303 --> 00:28:01,303
Gave it a shot.
636
00:28:01,388 --> 00:28:05,599
What is wrong with the men
of this generation? Like, what?
637
00:28:05,809 --> 00:28:08,268
I ask myself that same question every day.
638
00:28:08,436 --> 00:28:13,107
Whatever happened to respect for women?
Whatever happened to decorum?
639
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,901
May I have the honor of buying
you two lovely ladies a drink?
640
00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:18,237
Absolutely. And thank you for asking.
641
00:28:18,405 --> 00:28:19,488
- We would like...
- Why?
642
00:28:19,781 --> 00:28:22,616
Is it that you crave
scintillating conversation?
643
00:28:22,784 --> 00:28:25,577
Or that you want to discuss the politics
and nuances of the Chechnyan War?
644
00:28:25,787 --> 00:28:27,955
You know, I don't really discuss politics
on the first encounter.
645
00:28:28,039 --> 00:28:30,124
- And neither do we. This is why I'm...
- Oh, no, I know what it is.
646
00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:32,584
It's the visual thing, right?
647
00:28:32,669 --> 00:28:35,421
You saw me, you sexualized me,
you wanted to get into my pants?
648
00:28:35,505 --> 00:28:36,547
Absolutely not.
649
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:40,092
Yeah, but then, what is it?
Because, you know, you don't know me.
650
00:28:40,260 --> 00:28:41,802
I could be a psycho.
651
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:45,097
I could be a serial killer.
I could have 16 personalities.
652
00:28:45,932 --> 00:28:47,683
- Let me get a Crown and Coke.
- Got you covered.
653
00:28:47,851 --> 00:28:49,518
And 16 of whatever she's having?
654
00:28:51,312 --> 00:28:52,938
My name is Zeke.
655
00:28:58,945 --> 00:28:59,987
Mya.
656
00:29:00,113 --> 00:29:01,780
Nice to meet you, Mya.
657
00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:05,117
Day one, 89 more to go.
658
00:29:06,619 --> 00:29:08,287
Order for table 16!
659
00:29:08,455 --> 00:29:10,789
Dominic. Valet's slammed.
Go park some cars.
660
00:29:15,795 --> 00:29:17,546
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
661
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,653
Hey, that's my car!
662
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,831
Who says you have to compromise?
663
00:29:58,171 --> 00:29:59,755
Okay, where's the window?
664
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:08,555
Window. Window, window.
665
00:30:08,723 --> 00:30:10,891
Not the final destination.
666
00:30:11,267 --> 00:30:12,309
Door open.
667
00:30:12,435 --> 00:30:13,560
Shit.
668
00:30:15,897 --> 00:30:16,897
Hi.
669
00:30:17,190 --> 00:30:20,025
If I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were following me.
670
00:30:21,069 --> 00:30:22,736
No, just...
671
00:30:23,530 --> 00:30:25,697
Just out for a drive, that's all.
672
00:30:25,865 --> 00:30:27,574
Have a safe drive.
673
00:30:28,034 --> 00:30:29,368
Well, wait.
674
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:31,578
You changed your mind?
675
00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:33,622
You think I could take you
to dinner sometime?
676
00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:35,582
How's tomorrow night?
677
00:30:37,544 --> 00:30:41,088
Look, we love the fact that you're a strong,
confident woman with a fabulous job,
678
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:42,714
but we're men.
679
00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:46,385
Our DNA is encoded to be the provider.
680
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:50,055
And if you don't ever let us feel like
we're in control and necessary,
681
00:30:50,139 --> 00:30:52,558
we're just not about
to profess our love to you.
682
00:30:52,725 --> 00:30:55,727
I mean, we'll just find us a woman
who actually makes us feel like a man.
683
00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:56,937
Yeah, a ho.
684
00:30:57,063 --> 00:31:00,899
We're kind of like dogs, see, you pet us,
we'll be loyal to you forever.
685
00:31:01,067 --> 00:31:03,318
Yeah, dogs. There you go, Steve.
686
00:31:05,572 --> 00:31:07,489
I don't need that book.
687
00:31:14,372 --> 00:31:17,708
Oh, yes! Yeah!
688
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:21,169
Oh, honey.
Jennifer's coming over tonight to babysit.
689
00:31:21,337 --> 00:31:23,422
You're going to bingo with Grandma?
690
00:31:23,590 --> 00:31:26,049
- No, actually. I have a date.
- Really?
691
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:27,718
With a man or a woman?
692
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,596
A man!
Duke, why would you even ask me that?
693
00:31:30,763 --> 00:31:34,766
Because I overheard Grandma say that
she was beginning to wonder.
694
00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:36,935
You know I'm cool either way.
695
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,520
Yo, sorry I'm late.
696
00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:41,189
- Yo, Bennett, get in the game, let's go.
- What's up, man?
697
00:31:41,357 --> 00:31:42,941
I had the best night
of my entire life last night.
698
00:31:43,109 --> 00:31:44,234
- Is that right?
- Unbelievable.
699
00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:45,527
- Check ball.
- I thought you got fired last night.
700
00:31:45,695 --> 00:31:47,779
That's all right.
I'll make twice as much catering.
701
00:31:47,989 --> 00:31:49,239
- All right. Play ball.
- Hope she's worth it.
702
00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:51,158
What you gonna do with that?
What you gonna do with that?
703
00:31:51,242 --> 00:31:52,492
Count it!
704
00:31:53,453 --> 00:31:54,453
Over the back!
705
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:56,788
See, I'm taking her to The Lounge.
706
00:31:56,956 --> 00:31:58,749
Maurice hooked me up with a private room
707
00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:01,084
and all I gotta pay for is wine and a fat tip.
708
00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:04,630
Nice. So you gonna be escorting her
in that 2005 Honda Civic,
709
00:32:04,797 --> 00:32:08,300
with the missing bumper
or that $155,000 car she think you drive?
710
00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:10,302
I'm just gonna level with her, I guess.
711
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:13,430
And tell her what?
That you an unemployed prep cook?
712
00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:16,683
Zeke, unemployed Culinary Institute
graduate. We talked about this.
713
00:32:16,851 --> 00:32:18,435
- Yes, that's not my point.
- That's stupid.
714
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:21,647
That's dumb, Dom. You trying to get some,
you gonna have to lie.
715
00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:23,649
Listen, one time I told Gail
I just won the lottery.
716
00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:26,068
I need some gas money so I can
go redeem the ticket. She gave me $20.
717
00:32:26,277 --> 00:32:27,527
Don't lie to her.
718
00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:28,737
I don't want to lie to her.
719
00:32:28,863 --> 00:32:31,865
Okay, hold up.
You don't have to lie. You omit.
720
00:32:32,033 --> 00:32:33,492
Just, no, no, you omit.
721
00:32:33,660 --> 00:32:36,662
You just tell her you're a high-end chef
that's in between gigs.
722
00:32:36,746 --> 00:32:37,829
Your car's in the shop.
723
00:32:37,914 --> 00:32:41,124
She think you drive an expensive car,
you're not driving it 'cause it's in the shop.
724
00:32:41,334 --> 00:32:44,169
Matter of fact, my cousin, he got
a town car company. I'll get you a town car.
725
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:46,213
So all you gotta do is wine her, you dine her,
726
00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:48,757
you tattoo your name in that ass,
then you tell her the truth.
727
00:32:48,841 --> 00:32:51,301
Gail thought I was an account executive
and I met her in the mail room.
728
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:52,427
I had mail in my hand.
729
00:32:52,512 --> 00:32:54,012
Yeah, but you became
an account exec right after that.
730
00:32:54,097 --> 00:32:55,263
That had nothing to do with Gail.
731
00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:56,890
- She set up your interview.
- No, she didn't. Thomas did.
732
00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,893
Don't cut me off, Mike.
That's what Gail do, I don't like that.
733
00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:01,937
- Why's he so sensitive?
- All right, Dom, either way,
734
00:33:02,021 --> 00:33:03,855
once a woman's into you,
she'll put up with anything.
735
00:33:04,023 --> 00:33:07,359
- Trust me.
- Only if you're putting it on her right.
736
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:09,361
All right. That's...
737
00:33:09,570 --> 00:33:10,737
Come on, man.
738
00:33:10,905 --> 00:33:12,739
- I'm gonna go clean the ball off.
- Bennett, just wipe it off.
739
00:33:12,907 --> 00:33:15,075
No, I got some sanitizer in my bag.
740
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:30,048
Sorry, man. Wrong apartment.
741
00:33:31,551 --> 00:33:33,135
That's my lucky chair.
742
00:33:33,219 --> 00:33:34,344
What are you guys doing?
743
00:33:34,554 --> 00:33:36,054
Baby! What do you think?
744
00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:39,891
We spent the entire day at H.D. Buttercup
and we decided to go
745
00:33:40,059 --> 00:33:42,436
- with modern with a mix of vintage.
- "We"?
746
00:33:42,603 --> 00:33:44,855
Yeah. Gianni, our designer.
747
00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:49,609
Old out, new in, beautiful, eh?
748
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:54,906
I think it doesn't even
look like our place, babe.
749
00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:56,867
Exactly, it looks like grown-ups live here.
I love it.
750
00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:57,993
Stop!
751
00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:01,830
Put the chair down.
752
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:03,999
The lucky chair stays.
753
00:34:06,669 --> 00:34:07,878
Compromise.
754
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:17,763
Fuck, what... You speak Italian now?
755
00:34:23,644 --> 00:34:24,770
Oh, my God.
756
00:34:25,271 --> 00:34:27,147
- That's your dress.
- Yeah?
757
00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:29,816
Your ass looks great in that dress.
758
00:34:29,984 --> 00:34:31,568
No, it's too sexy.
759
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,403
There's no such thing.
760
00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:36,907
Sonia, I want him to last 90 days,
not 90 seconds.
761
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:40,160
I want to project "Keeper," not "Sports Fish."
762
00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:42,287
Okay, what the hell is a sports fish?
763
00:34:42,455 --> 00:34:43,914
See, this is why you need to read the book!
764
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:45,457
I don't want to read the book.
765
00:34:45,625 --> 00:34:48,085
Steve says that a guy only fishes
for two reasons.
766
00:34:48,252 --> 00:34:50,003
Number one, he fishes to eat.
767
00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:53,173
That means he's looking for a keeper,
somebody to take home,
768
00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:57,260
somebody to introduce to his mom,
somebody to build a life with.
769
00:34:57,428 --> 00:34:59,596
Or two, he's looking for a sports fish.
770
00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:03,141
That means he's looking for a trophy,
somebody to show off to his buddies,
771
00:35:03,309 --> 00:35:04,935
put up on the wall as a prize.
772
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:08,522
But you gotta be careful with that one,
'cause he's gonna throw that one back.
773
00:35:08,689 --> 00:35:15,612
Okay.
774
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:17,989
How do I look?
775
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:21,076
Like a keeper. With a great ass.
776
00:35:21,244 --> 00:35:22,327
- Yeah?
- Yes!
777
00:35:22,411 --> 00:35:25,789
Right. Now, the question is, is he?
778
00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:27,332
Now I just need my hit list.
779
00:35:27,667 --> 00:35:29,000
Now, what the hell is a hit list?
780
00:35:29,168 --> 00:35:30,794
Will you get your wine off my hit list?
781
00:35:31,212 --> 00:35:32,921
Girl, you're crazy.
782
00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:37,467
This is where I wrote down my strategic
dos and don'ts for my date tonight.
783
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,261
Okay, you know you sound like
you're going to war, right?
784
00:35:39,428 --> 00:35:41,304
Yes, girl, because love is a battlefield.
785
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:42,472
Oh, boy.
786
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:44,933
Steve says you have to set
the requirements very high
787
00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:46,518
before you even get in the car,
788
00:35:46,602 --> 00:35:47,811
'cause you don't want
to become Chirp-chirp Girl.
789
00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:48,937
A what?
790
00:35:49,021 --> 00:35:51,064
Chirp-chirp.
He just hits the locks and you hop in.
791
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,816
He don't even have to open the door.
792
00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:54,776
I don't see nothing wrong
with being a Chirp-chirp Girl.
793
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:11,960
You look beautiful.
794
00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:13,253
Thanks.
795
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:15,213
Amazing.
796
00:36:20,928 --> 00:36:22,137
Sweet!
797
00:36:22,513 --> 00:36:26,391
Where to?
Goddamn, look how small your skirt is.
798
00:36:28,102 --> 00:36:29,644
Right. Unprofessional.
799
00:36:29,979 --> 00:36:31,855
Sorry, sir, take it out of my tip.
800
00:36:43,784 --> 00:36:48,246
It's open.
801
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:51,333
I don't go out on dates with guys
who don't open the door for me.
802
00:36:51,709 --> 00:36:53,043
- Really?
- Really.
803
00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:54,586
- Seriously?
- Yes.
804
00:36:54,754 --> 00:36:55,879
Aw, man!
805
00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:01,384
No, he didn't.
806
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:07,349
Got you!
807
00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:12,270
Your chariot awaits.
808
00:37:12,521 --> 00:37:13,605
Thank you.
809
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:15,607
Funny guy, huh?
810
00:37:16,192 --> 00:37:17,525
I do okay.
811
00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:24,574
Look, I think there's a few basic questions
that every woman should ask a man
812
00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:27,911
to determine two things,
if this guy has a plan for you,
813
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,664
or if this guy is just gonna play with you.
814
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,250
My short-term goals?
815
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:35,377
What, you mean like tomorrow?
816
00:37:38,589 --> 00:37:39,631
I need a bong hit.
817
00:37:39,757 --> 00:37:41,091
To answer your question,
818
00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:43,760
I guess my long-term goals
and short-term goals are the same thing.
819
00:37:43,928 --> 00:37:45,136
How so?
820
00:37:45,763 --> 00:37:50,684
Well, my entire life, it's always
been about hard work and improving myself
821
00:37:50,893 --> 00:37:53,228
and I guess what I'm looking for now is,
822
00:37:53,396 --> 00:37:55,397
you know, someone I can share it with.
823
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:57,732
- So...
- So, have you...
824
00:37:57,858 --> 00:37:59,234
You go ahead, you go. You go.
825
00:38:02,905 --> 00:38:05,323
What are your short-term goals?
826
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:10,120
You know what? I'd like to skip dinner
and get right to dessert.
827
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:11,871
That's where it started,
828
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:13,248
- you know?
- Really?
829
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:15,875
This is a great choice.
830
00:38:16,043 --> 00:38:18,086
Thank you. Thank you.
831
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,505
So, Lauren, tell me more about yourself.
What do you do?
832
00:38:21,215 --> 00:38:22,757
I'm in management.
833
00:38:22,925 --> 00:38:26,886
For a media company. Yeah.
But I don't wanna talk about me, my work.
834
00:38:27,054 --> 00:38:28,888
Long week.
835
00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:30,932
So, tell me about you. What do you do?
836
00:38:32,018 --> 00:38:34,436
I'm a chef.
837
00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:36,479
Really? Where?
838
00:38:37,064 --> 00:38:38,606
Well, I'm actually
839
00:38:39,442 --> 00:38:43,028
deciding between two different offers.
840
00:38:43,195 --> 00:38:44,237
That good, huh?
841
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:48,616
Yeah. But I don't wanna...
I kinda don't want to jinx it, you know?
842
00:38:48,784 --> 00:38:51,286
No, I get it. No, don't, you shouldn't.
843
00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:55,749
Okay, you know what?
Let's not even talk about work anymore.
844
00:38:55,916 --> 00:38:57,459
Yeah, let's not.
845
00:38:57,626 --> 00:39:00,587
So, what are your views on relationships?
846
00:39:00,755 --> 00:39:03,214
Or your long-term goals. Either one.
847
00:39:08,637 --> 00:39:12,182
To be honest, I really want to open
my own restaurant one day.
848
00:39:14,101 --> 00:39:16,561
Sorry, that's work.
849
00:39:16,729 --> 00:39:18,605
No, that's a dream.
850
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:21,691
We can talk about dreams. Dreams are good.
851
00:39:22,443 --> 00:39:26,029
It's nice to hear a woman actually say that.
852
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:29,199
I just believe you can make
any dream come true
853
00:39:29,992 --> 00:39:32,827
if you're willing
to work hard enough to get it.
854
00:39:33,871 --> 00:39:35,747
I couldn't agree with you more.
855
00:39:36,832 --> 00:39:38,458
- Cheers.
- Salud.
856
00:39:50,679 --> 00:39:53,098
Remember when we were in college
and we used to get
857
00:39:53,641 --> 00:39:56,434
so high and talk for hours?
858
00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:58,436
Yeah.
859
00:40:00,022 --> 00:40:04,859
Like about our dreams,
and like our plans and our goals.
860
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,945
And time travel.
861
00:40:07,113 --> 00:40:09,989
Like, what do you think about
the future, Jeremy?
862
00:40:10,282 --> 00:40:15,829
I don't think we'll be riding around
in hovercrafts or anything, but droids.
863
00:40:15,955 --> 00:40:18,498
Definitely droids. There better be droids.
864
00:40:18,666 --> 00:40:21,376
No, I mean, like your future, Jeremy.
865
00:40:22,002 --> 00:40:24,796
What are your long-term goals, Jeremy?
866
00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:30,009
Who are you, Oprah?
867
00:40:31,011 --> 00:40:32,554
You're funny.
868
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:38,726
I just have this amazing idea
of a rocker, chic kinda look,
869
00:40:39,311 --> 00:40:40,395
so, it's really exciting.
870
00:40:40,563 --> 00:40:42,105
- No, that is exciting.
- Yeah.
871
00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:43,314
Yeah.
872
00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:44,816
So,
873
00:40:45,484 --> 00:40:48,695
what are some of your long-term goals?
874
00:40:49,530 --> 00:40:51,823
Kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants
kinda guy, you know?
875
00:40:52,908 --> 00:40:53,992
Oh, okay.
876
00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:56,911
That's cool.
877
00:41:00,374 --> 00:41:03,334
Oh, turn that up. Turn that up, turn that up.
878
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,962
That is my... Yeah.
879
00:41:06,213 --> 00:41:09,340
- You know these guys?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
880
00:41:10,259 --> 00:41:12,343
My band opened for them once.
881
00:41:12,970 --> 00:41:14,429
You have a band?
882
00:41:14,597 --> 00:41:15,638
Had.
883
00:41:16,348 --> 00:41:17,891
Had a record deal for a second.
884
00:41:18,225 --> 00:41:20,143
Let me hear your CD. Come on!
885
00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:22,270
What makes you think that I have a CD?
886
00:41:22,438 --> 00:41:24,564
I don't know anybody who's been
in an R&B band
887
00:41:24,648 --> 00:41:25,857
who doesn't have their own CD in their car.
888
00:41:26,025 --> 00:41:29,277
Wow, I feel so unique right now, it's crazy.
889
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:31,321
- That's why you're reaching for it.
- Yeah.
890
00:41:32,448 --> 00:41:33,948
Let me see it.
891
00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:36,743
Wow!
892
00:41:36,911 --> 00:41:38,119
That is crazy.
893
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:40,330
Hey, at least I didn't have a Jheri curl.
894
00:41:40,498 --> 00:41:41,581
What?
895
00:41:42,249 --> 00:41:43,416
Play me your favorite track.
896
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:46,711
Wow.
897
00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:49,714
Please say a command.
898
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:51,633
CD. Play track
899
00:41:54,220 --> 00:41:55,220
seven.
900
00:41:55,387 --> 00:41:57,222
Playing track seven.
901
00:41:57,723 --> 00:42:02,060
Last night I had a dream about a dream
902
00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:05,063
About you
903
00:42:08,442 --> 00:42:09,901
You wrote this?
904
00:42:10,069 --> 00:42:16,407
Now every time I think it seems to be
About you
905
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:21,371
This is beautiful.
906
00:42:21,455 --> 00:42:24,666
One minute I was over love
907
00:42:25,918 --> 00:42:29,796
A second later I was a part of us
908
00:42:30,005 --> 00:42:31,047
Who was she?
909
00:42:31,423 --> 00:42:32,465
Who?
910
00:42:33,008 --> 00:42:34,425
The girl who broke your heart.
911
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:36,803
What makes you think a girl broke my heart?
912
00:42:38,347 --> 00:42:39,389
Track seven.
913
00:42:43,936 --> 00:42:46,062
I left that all on the track.
914
00:42:46,230 --> 00:42:51,150
Last night I had a dream about a dream
About...
915
00:42:56,490 --> 00:42:57,615
Oh, my God.
916
00:43:00,911 --> 00:43:03,746
- Okay. Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- What's wrong, what's wrong?
917
00:43:03,914 --> 00:43:07,292
It's just... I don't do this on the first date.
918
00:43:07,459 --> 00:43:09,502
Okay, I understand.
919
00:43:09,670 --> 00:43:12,505
I'm a Christian, too.
I respect that, you know, and...
920
00:43:15,509 --> 00:43:17,510
I had a really wonderful time.
921
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:18,970
Me, too.
922
00:43:20,639 --> 00:43:22,390
Well, thanks.
923
00:43:26,895 --> 00:43:28,730
There. I accomplished it.
924
00:43:28,897 --> 00:43:29,897
Accomplished what?
925
00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:32,150
My real short-term goal.
926
00:43:32,234 --> 00:43:33,735
You dog.
927
00:43:34,069 --> 00:43:35,111
So, listen.
928
00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:37,905
I've been thinking about this all night.
I want you to meet my mother.
929
00:43:37,990 --> 00:43:39,032
Really?
930
00:43:39,283 --> 00:43:40,450
It would really mean a lot to me.
931
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:41,993
Well,
932
00:43:43,412 --> 00:43:44,746
I'd like you to meet my son.
933
00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:48,291
I would love that.
Just name the time and place...
934
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:51,794
Hi, I'm Duke. Did you touch my momma?
935
00:43:51,962 --> 00:43:55,131
Whoa, no.
It was PG, little homie, not even PG-13.
936
00:43:55,299 --> 00:43:57,717
Sure. You like video games?
937
00:43:57,885 --> 00:43:59,385
Have you ever played Street Racer Three?
938
00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:01,763
- No.
- Then you haven't lived, my man!
939
00:44:04,808 --> 00:44:06,684
You have a good night, all right, Candace?
940
00:44:06,852 --> 00:44:07,894
Good night. Thank you.
941
00:44:08,020 --> 00:44:10,146
- It's nice to meet you, Duke. Make sure...
- Nice to meet you, too.
942
00:44:12,358 --> 00:44:14,233
I really had a nice time tonight.
943
00:44:14,443 --> 00:44:16,152
I had a really good time, too.
944
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:24,577
Okay, okay, okay.
945
00:44:24,745 --> 00:44:27,914
This is officially good night.
946
00:44:28,082 --> 00:44:31,668
Okay, you know what?
I could use a nightcap.
947
00:44:32,086 --> 00:44:33,920
- A nightcap.
- Yeah.
948
00:44:34,088 --> 00:44:37,632
Yeah. There's this really nice bar
around the corner.
949
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,968
- You should have fun.
- What... So it's like that?
950
00:44:41,178 --> 00:44:42,679
You have no idea.
951
00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:45,264
So, how long are we talking
before I get invited up?
952
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:47,850
Five dates.
953
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:50,478
For a nightcap.
954
00:44:52,564 --> 00:44:53,773
Good night.
955
00:44:58,737 --> 00:45:00,196
This bitch is crazy.
956
00:45:20,592 --> 00:45:21,926
Morning, beautiful.
957
00:45:22,886 --> 00:45:24,053
Hi.
958
00:45:25,556 --> 00:45:26,681
Thanks.
959
00:45:27,933 --> 00:45:29,058
I made you breakfast.
960
00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:30,435
Seriously?
961
00:45:30,853 --> 00:45:32,019
Yeah.
962
00:45:32,646 --> 00:45:34,605
- From my kitchen?
- Let me take that.
963
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:37,984
It's a simple eggs Florentine,
but with a twist,
964
00:45:38,152 --> 00:45:40,695
because I used the ingredients
from your Thai takeouts.
965
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,239
- Simple? This looks amazing.
- Well, let me know what you think.
966
00:45:46,702 --> 00:45:48,369
This is so good.
967
00:45:48,787 --> 00:45:50,496
Yeah? Well, I love a woman who can eat.
968
00:45:52,541 --> 00:45:54,375
And I love a man who can cook.
969
00:45:54,543 --> 00:45:56,961
Maybe you'll let me do it again
for you sometime.
970
00:45:58,255 --> 00:45:59,714
Juice, please?
971
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:02,550
A little spicy?
972
00:46:06,430 --> 00:46:07,847
Thanks.
973
00:46:10,225 --> 00:46:11,559
Who's that?
974
00:46:12,186 --> 00:46:14,061
That's my best friend, Candace.
975
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:15,563
- Okay.
- And my godson, Duke.
976
00:46:16,899 --> 00:46:21,819
You know, you're not exactly what I picture
when I hear the word "godmother."
977
00:46:22,905 --> 00:46:24,197
Thank God for that.
978
00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,249
You let yourself in again, huh?
979
00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:39,086
I didn't expect you to be here.
I figured you'd be tiptoeing around her place.
980
00:46:39,254 --> 00:46:41,547
Well, first of all, I live here, not you,
981
00:46:41,715 --> 00:46:45,176
and second, she has this five-date rule
before I get invited up.
982
00:46:45,344 --> 00:46:48,471
Can you believe that?
I'm the Negro Gigolo, the original Nigolo.
983
00:46:48,639 --> 00:46:51,432
Five dates? What, is she some type
of Farrakhan Muslim or something?
984
00:46:51,517 --> 00:46:52,600
She's a diva.
985
00:46:52,684 --> 00:46:54,977
She literally refuses to walk through
a door unless I open it for her.
986
00:46:55,062 --> 00:46:57,855
Gail used to do that.
Gail used to get on my nerves with that.
987
00:46:58,023 --> 00:47:00,858
"Get the door for me. How am I walk in
and you ain't open the door?"
988
00:47:01,026 --> 00:47:03,778
"My hands hurt.
You better open that goddamn door!"
989
00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,113
- That's why I'm gonna end it right now.
- Yeah, you need to.
990
00:47:06,281 --> 00:47:08,741
'Cause you don't need her.
You got me, and what we got is special.
991
00:47:08,909 --> 00:47:10,368
Open her door.
992
00:47:10,744 --> 00:47:13,538
It's 2012. Come around and open my door.
993
00:47:13,705 --> 00:47:15,373
I don't know, Sonia,
I just felt like a different woman.
994
00:47:15,541 --> 00:47:18,417
I felt so in control and strong, and...
995
00:47:18,585 --> 00:47:19,794
What about him?
996
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:20,920
Well, I think...
997
00:47:24,383 --> 00:47:25,633
It's him.
998
00:47:26,677 --> 00:47:28,970
"Are you available for dinner
tomorrow night?"
999
00:47:29,054 --> 00:47:30,096
Well, are you?
1000
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:31,848
Well, I do believe that I am.
1001
00:47:31,932 --> 00:47:35,476
But I do not go out with guys
who ask me via text.
1002
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:37,144
I don't go out with guys via txt!
1003
00:47:37,396 --> 00:47:38,729
She trippin'.
1004
00:47:38,897 --> 00:47:42,275
You know, Gail always suggested them
egg whites, she said they was better for you.
1005
00:47:42,442 --> 00:47:44,819
Hey, can you put a shirt on
while you cooking, man?
1006
00:47:46,572 --> 00:47:47,738
Look at these hours.
1007
00:47:47,906 --> 00:47:49,866
What you come in here glowing
for like you're pregnant?
1008
00:47:50,033 --> 00:47:51,242
My boys.
1009
00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:54,871
Hey, you got some. Oh! On the first date?
1010
00:47:55,038 --> 00:47:57,707
- Homie scored.
- Yeah, I did.
1011
00:47:58,500 --> 00:48:00,084
And I'm totally screwed.
1012
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:01,627
We never once talked about my job.
1013
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:04,338
- You really like him.
- I really do.
1014
00:48:05,424 --> 00:48:06,883
I don't even know how much he makes.
1015
00:48:07,384 --> 00:48:09,051
And you know what? I don't care!
1016
00:48:09,219 --> 00:48:10,720
I believe in his dreams.
1017
00:48:10,888 --> 00:48:12,847
She thinks I'm a chef on the rise.
1018
00:48:13,015 --> 00:48:14,056
With a cold-ass Benz.
1019
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:15,850
And a sexy limo driver.
I looked good last night,
1020
00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:17,184
I had the hat cocked to the side.
1021
00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:20,104
Guys, she's going to run
when I tell her the truth.
1022
00:48:20,272 --> 00:48:22,106
Whatever you do, you don't tell her the truth.
1023
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,232
- Thank you.
- You delay.
1024
00:48:23,317 --> 00:48:25,192
Hell, I wouldn't tell her
until she was in her third trimester.
1025
00:48:25,277 --> 00:48:26,986
- Yeah, I can't do that.
- Dom, I know you, okay?
1026
00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:29,864
And you're trying to grow a conscience here.
Trust me on this one.
1027
00:48:30,032 --> 00:48:33,409
Honesty is overrated, man.
Hey, that's in the Bible. Old Testament.
1028
00:48:34,202 --> 00:48:36,787
I just don't want a relationship based on lies.
1029
00:48:36,955 --> 00:48:38,122
That's called marriage.
1030
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:41,459
Dom, you don't fool me.
I know what this is about. This is about sex.
1031
00:48:41,543 --> 00:48:43,210
You didn't do what you were
supposed to do in the bedroom.
1032
00:48:43,295 --> 00:48:45,713
That's why you walk through here
with your shoulders all slouched
1033
00:48:45,797 --> 00:48:47,381
and your self-esteem all low.
1034
00:48:47,466 --> 00:48:50,509
It's true. When you don't smash right,
the insecurities come out on you.
1035
00:48:50,677 --> 00:48:53,888
You know what he did? He gave it a LD.
Lazy Doodle. That's exactly what he did.
1036
00:48:54,056 --> 00:48:56,307
Right. You gotta put it down like
the right enforcement.
1037
00:48:56,808 --> 00:48:59,185
I can't do this no more. I'm done.
I'm done with this.
1038
00:48:59,353 --> 00:49:03,439
Like, dude, put a shirt on. It's us!
There's no one else here, just us!
1039
00:49:03,899 --> 00:49:06,233
So, you're telling me she's got a son?
1040
00:49:06,401 --> 00:49:09,737
Yeah! Duke. He's six years old.
An amazing kid, full of energy.
1041
00:49:09,905 --> 00:49:11,948
That's an awful lot of responsibility, baby.
1042
00:49:12,115 --> 00:49:14,116
Well, she's a really responsible woman, Ma.
1043
00:49:14,284 --> 00:49:16,285
I'm not talking about her,
I'm talking about you.
1044
00:49:17,537 --> 00:49:21,123
You really think you got what it takes
to date a single mother?
1045
00:49:21,291 --> 00:49:24,251
Well, I was raised by
a single mother, wasn't I?
1046
00:49:25,045 --> 00:49:26,796
Oh, but I'm one of a kind, baby.
1047
00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:30,549
Trust me, Ma. You are going to love her.
1048
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:34,345
Thank God!
1049
00:49:35,555 --> 00:49:36,931
Somewhere familiar.
1050
00:49:37,015 --> 00:49:39,433
Some place that hasn't changed,
that still looks the same.
1051
00:49:39,601 --> 00:49:41,310
Yo, J, what's wrong with you?
1052
00:49:41,478 --> 00:49:45,064
My Fortress of Solitude has morphed
into a damn Bed, Bath and Beyond.
1053
00:49:45,232 --> 00:49:47,441
- What does that mean?
- I'm telling you, he talks in code.
1054
00:49:47,609 --> 00:49:49,402
Listen, Kristen, she redecorated.
1055
00:49:49,569 --> 00:49:51,362
Redecorated? Why didn't you say that?
1056
00:49:51,530 --> 00:49:54,407
No, no, no, she didn't redecorate.
She obliterated.
1057
00:49:54,574 --> 00:49:55,658
Every trace of my identity, gone!
1058
00:49:55,784 --> 00:49:57,368
My anime posters,
1059
00:49:57,452 --> 00:50:00,663
Battlestar Galactica shot glasses
that you used to like, it's all gone.
1060
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:01,914
May I?
1061
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,458
Wait a minute. She ain't even ask you?
She just threw your stuff out?
1062
00:50:04,626 --> 00:50:06,711
- That's some takeover shit right there.
- That's crazy.
1063
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:09,046
I was starting to feel like someone else.
1064
00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:12,550
Someone warm and modern
with a smattering of vintage.
1065
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:15,511
That's probably your lips tingling. It's a STD.
1066
00:50:15,679 --> 00:50:16,762
You just put your mouth on Zeke's drink.
1067
00:50:16,930 --> 00:50:18,723
- And she threw away my couch!
- Thank God!
1068
00:50:20,475 --> 00:50:21,976
Hail Kristen!
1069
00:50:22,060 --> 00:50:24,395
- That couch has a lot of memories, guys.
- Is that what that smell was?
1070
00:50:24,604 --> 00:50:25,980
Yeah, all of us got laid on that couch.
1071
00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:27,106
Twice.
1072
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:28,691
- You've had that couch since college, right?
- Yes!
1073
00:50:28,775 --> 00:50:29,900
That's some white boy shit.
1074
00:50:30,068 --> 00:50:32,403
- No, that's some Jeremy shit.
- No, that's some white boy shit.
1075
00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,613
I graduated college, I got rid of my couch.
1076
00:50:34,781 --> 00:50:35,948
What college did you go to?
1077
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:38,784
DeVry, Class of February. Valedictorian.
1078
00:50:38,952 --> 00:50:39,994
Whose side are you on?
1079
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:42,163
Ain't no brother on the planet
gonna let no fine-ass sista
1080
00:50:42,247 --> 00:50:43,914
sit on no stinky-ass couch from college.
1081
00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:45,958
- Preach, boy!
- It don't matter what happen,
1082
00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:48,627
you go and you find a way to get
that furniture, figure how to pay for it later.
1083
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:51,422
Yeah, don't do that, though.
That's called negro shit. Don't ever do that.
1084
00:50:51,548 --> 00:50:52,673
That is negro shit!
1085
00:50:52,841 --> 00:50:54,967
You guys do that a lot.
You pay for something you can't afford.
1086
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,470
Ced, you couldn't even afford your wedding!
1087
00:50:57,637 --> 00:50:59,180
I'm making my payments.
1088
00:50:59,347 --> 00:51:00,431
Listen, Kristen is a great girl.
1089
00:51:00,515 --> 00:51:03,100
Don't mess up something good
over a damn couch, all right?
1090
00:51:03,351 --> 00:51:04,685
Something's up.
1091
00:51:05,645 --> 00:51:06,771
The game was on,
1092
00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:08,397
but not the one we were watching.
1093
00:51:08,940 --> 00:51:11,609
While we were sitting there on our asses
watching the game,
1094
00:51:11,693 --> 00:51:13,235
our team was getting destroyed.
1095
00:51:13,695 --> 00:51:17,031
The other team was drawing up plays,
planning their strategies,
1096
00:51:17,199 --> 00:51:19,325
and plotting their next moves.
1097
00:51:20,452 --> 00:51:21,786
Hey, you.
1098
00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:23,329
You still up?
1099
00:51:23,497 --> 00:51:24,872
I thought you were sleeping.
1100
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:29,293
- I couldn't put this down.
- Yeah.
1101
00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:31,921
Jeremy didn't even know
he was under attack.
1102
00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:36,634
God, it was such a trip.
I ran into Sarah's little brother.
1103
00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:39,845
And he told me he got a job at Neversoft.
1104
00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:42,306
Cool.
1105
00:51:42,390 --> 00:51:43,474
Yeah.
1106
00:51:43,558 --> 00:51:46,602
Weren't you offered
an internship there once?
1107
00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:49,480
Yeah. Turned it down for a real job.
1108
00:51:49,981 --> 00:51:52,983
Right, yeah, that junior level one
that you're still in.
1109
00:51:53,485 --> 00:51:54,485
What?
1110
00:52:00,325 --> 00:52:01,867
My brothers didn't even know
they were at war.
1111
00:52:01,952 --> 00:52:04,954
They were lost in the honeymoon phase.
1112
00:52:05,122 --> 00:52:06,705
They were too busy enjoying the ride.
1113
00:52:06,873 --> 00:52:08,958
All right, who's hungry?
1114
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:11,293
I'm hungry, but, babe, babe!
1115
00:52:11,461 --> 00:52:12,920
Damn! Look at that ass!
1116
00:52:13,088 --> 00:52:14,296
That's nice. She's hot.
1117
00:52:14,464 --> 00:52:15,589
Guys, come on, that's somebody's daughter.
1118
00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:18,425
Wait, that's the baby mama? That's Candace?
1119
00:52:18,593 --> 00:52:21,220
- That is Candace.
- I know the baby mama.
1120
00:52:22,764 --> 00:52:25,307
No, she's Lauren's best friend.
1121
00:52:25,475 --> 00:52:28,269
So, apparently they play basketball
three times a week at the Y,
1122
00:52:28,436 --> 00:52:31,689
and Dominic says that Michael
is the most successful guy he knows.
1123
00:52:31,857 --> 00:52:33,649
- Really?
- You scored!
1124
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:35,776
I did well? You know what,
1125
00:52:35,861 --> 00:52:38,404
Michael said Dominic
is a really amazing chef.
1126
00:52:38,572 --> 00:52:41,115
I know, I know! I love food.
1127
00:52:41,283 --> 00:52:42,825
- Oh, no, bitch.
- What?
1128
00:52:42,993 --> 00:52:44,660
We can double date.
1129
00:52:47,539 --> 00:52:49,957
- Oh, that's not good.
- That's not good at all.
1130
00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:52,501
- Let's go play basketball, guys.
- Yeah, let's do that.
1131
00:52:52,669 --> 00:52:54,086
Whatever you do, don't double date.
1132
00:52:54,254 --> 00:52:56,422
That's right. Damn, Ced.
1133
00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:58,382
Really?
1134
00:52:58,717 --> 00:53:00,176
I was in the middle of getting dressed.
1135
00:53:00,635 --> 00:53:02,219
J, you're losing the game for us!
1136
00:53:02,387 --> 00:53:04,680
- Me?
- Yo, you are killing us right now.
1137
00:53:04,848 --> 00:53:06,182
I'm setting screens,
you gotta be using the screens.
1138
00:53:06,349 --> 00:53:09,143
- You shot one for 27.
- The shot I made was a game changer, J.
1139
00:53:09,311 --> 00:53:12,188
That's it, I'm done. New teams next week.
I'm not being on his team anymore.
1140
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:13,814
I'm not the one
that's not coming off the picks!
1141
00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:16,817
Excuse me, y'all done here?
We want to play some full court.
1142
00:53:16,902 --> 00:53:17,943
- Oh, yeah.
- Y'all take it.
1143
00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:19,737
No, no, no, we're not.
1144
00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:21,780
Got a lot more basketball
to play over here, fellas,
1145
00:53:21,948 --> 00:53:24,074
so looks like you picked
the wrong court to try and come and take.
1146
00:53:24,242 --> 00:53:25,534
We just ran three games!
1147
00:53:25,702 --> 00:53:27,536
- Yeah, Ced, we're good.
- No, we're not.
1148
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:29,830
We are not good. Sorry.
1149
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:31,957
Yo, so y'all stepping off or what?
1150
00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:33,375
Yeah, we were stepping. I was stepping on...
1151
00:53:33,543 --> 00:53:35,502
Stepping off? Who are you, Shaft?
1152
00:53:35,670 --> 00:53:37,046
How about you get some language
from this year?
1153
00:53:37,214 --> 00:53:39,965
So why don't you,
and the stronger version of Prince,
1154
00:53:40,133 --> 00:53:42,384
go back down to that side of the court
and do what y'all was doing?
1155
00:53:42,469 --> 00:53:45,179
'Cause if y'all want the court,
you'll play us for the court like real men.
1156
00:53:45,263 --> 00:53:46,430
So y'all want to play for it.
1157
00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:47,806
You heard what I said.
1158
00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:50,309
Am I stuttering, huh? Suckas.
1159
00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:52,478
- They're not gonna punk us. We men!
- Ced.
1160
00:53:52,646 --> 00:53:55,856
- People come in here, think they got us.
- You are not serious.
1161
00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:58,150
I am serious. It is what it is.
1162
00:53:58,860 --> 00:54:00,069
Oh, shit.
1163
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:06,408
I thought it was just two of them.
I did not see the rest.
1164
00:54:06,576 --> 00:54:08,577
Turn around and say you're sorry.
1165
00:54:08,745 --> 00:54:10,246
- It's too late. We're in it.
- Apologize.
1166
00:54:10,413 --> 00:54:13,207
No, I'm not apologizing for shit.
Michael, this is when you be a man!
1167
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:17,211
All right, guys. If a game is what you want,
a game is what you gonna get.
1168
00:54:17,379 --> 00:54:18,420
You wanna play?
1169
00:54:18,588 --> 00:54:19,630
Ced, let him go!
1170
00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:21,090
- Cedric!
- What are you doing?
1171
00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:24,134
- You okay?
- Get up, get up.
1172
00:54:24,302 --> 00:54:25,844
So embarrassing.
1173
00:54:26,805 --> 00:54:28,597
- I really tried to take it.
- It was obvious.
1174
00:54:28,807 --> 00:54:31,558
I really did.
I swear to God, I gave it everything I had.
1175
00:54:31,726 --> 00:54:34,520
I sprained my esophagus in the last game,
so I'm gonna sit this one out.
1176
00:54:34,604 --> 00:54:35,646
Your esophagus is in your throat.
1177
00:54:35,730 --> 00:54:37,439
- Shut up, Bennett.
- Zeke, we need six.
1178
00:54:37,941 --> 00:54:40,067
Zeke! Forget Zeke,
we'll just have to play with five.
1179
00:54:40,235 --> 00:54:42,695
Listen, we are men.
We tie our shoes up the same way they do.
1180
00:54:42,821 --> 00:54:43,821
Yeah, their shoes are bigger.
1181
00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:45,406
It don't matter. Be a man!
1182
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:47,950
When I come out this, you better say
who you got and you better mean it.
1183
00:54:48,118 --> 00:54:50,411
Let's go. D up.
1184
00:54:50,870 --> 00:54:54,373
I got her. Let's go. Get yours. I got mine.
1185
00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:57,376
We welcome you all to
the JW Marriott Los Angeles.
1186
00:54:57,544 --> 00:54:58,877
But then, the bubble burst.
1187
00:54:59,045 --> 00:55:02,047
For Dominic, the tables turned
on Tuesday afternoon.
1188
00:55:02,674 --> 00:55:04,216
...the best year in your company's history.
1189
00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:09,221
She is not just the youngest COO
you've ever had, but the very best.
1190
00:55:09,931 --> 00:55:11,724
Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Harris.
1191
00:55:13,810 --> 00:55:14,977
Thank you.
1192
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:21,442
Aw, shit.
1193
00:55:23,153 --> 00:55:24,903
- Mom? There you go.
- Hey!
1194
00:55:25,071 --> 00:55:27,239
Mom, I would like you to meet Candace.
1195
00:55:27,324 --> 00:55:28,365
Hi!
1196
00:55:28,575 --> 00:55:30,659
For Michael, the bomb dropped
on Wednesday.
1197
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:32,286
I've heard so much about you.
1198
00:55:32,704 --> 00:55:34,830
Well, I've heard nothing about you!
1199
00:55:35,415 --> 00:55:37,416
We just talked about her last night at dinner.
What are you...
1200
00:55:37,584 --> 00:55:40,419
- Well, I don't remember.
- Mom, why are you...
1201
00:55:40,587 --> 00:55:41,795
I don't remember.
1202
00:55:45,342 --> 00:55:48,635
It's beautiful, your home.
Just gorgeous. It's great.
1203
00:55:53,892 --> 00:55:59,396
Oh, wow, look! Look at this,
I have this exact same frame for my son!
1204
00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:02,524
Oh, that's right, you're the one with the child.
1205
00:56:04,319 --> 00:56:06,153
Now let me ask you, sweetie,
1206
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:11,450
what does your baby's daddy think
about you dating my Michael?
1207
00:56:13,495 --> 00:56:15,037
Or is he incarcerated?
1208
00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:18,290
You know, how you people run around,
I don't know.
1209
00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:20,501
Incarcerated? No, why would you...
1210
00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:22,002
Candace, would you like a tour of the house?
1211
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:24,671
Yeah, why don't we give Tandace
a tour of the house?
1212
00:56:24,839 --> 00:56:26,507
Candace. It is Candace.
1213
00:56:26,674 --> 00:56:27,800
Tan... Tandace?
1214
00:56:28,134 --> 00:56:31,178
It's... Candace, with a...
1215
00:56:32,013 --> 00:56:34,098
I can tell she really likes you.
1216
00:56:34,265 --> 00:56:36,266
- Come on, let's take a tour.
- Now come on, let's take a look.
1217
00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:37,351
Just come on.
1218
00:56:37,435 --> 00:56:38,852
Doesn't it tell a story?
1219
00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:43,148
I've tried to capture all the special
moments with me and my baby boy.
1220
00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:45,150
I bet you don't remember when I got you
that bracelet, though.
1221
00:56:45,318 --> 00:56:49,863
Outside of Paris, this little shop
with the cute little jewelry...
1222
00:56:50,031 --> 00:56:52,074
Remember that look on your face
when you opened up that box?
1223
00:56:52,242 --> 00:56:53,325
Yeah, I know, I know.
1224
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:54,993
I thought we were in Milan.
1225
00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:56,370
No, we'd come from that restaurant...
1226
00:56:56,538 --> 00:57:00,249
Oh, baby, you're in my room.
It's where all the magic happens, girl.
1227
00:57:00,417 --> 00:57:01,708
- Wow.
- What do you think?
1228
00:57:01,876 --> 00:57:03,460
It's like a time capsule.
1229
00:57:03,628 --> 00:57:07,423
Oh, I keep everything the same for him,
for when he sleeps over.
1230
00:57:07,590 --> 00:57:08,841
You sleep over?
1231
00:57:09,008 --> 00:57:10,384
Just on Sunday nights, baby. It's nothing.
1232
00:57:10,552 --> 00:57:15,013
And Sunday nights have always been
reserved for his mother.
1233
00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:17,683
And they always will be.
1234
00:57:17,851 --> 00:57:21,061
I make his favorite food,
and then we play rummy.
1235
00:57:21,229 --> 00:57:24,398
Mom is the best rummy player right here.
1236
00:57:25,525 --> 00:57:27,526
A chiky-chiky rummy-rummy
1237
00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:29,445
Come on.
1238
00:57:29,529 --> 00:57:31,363
I'm not gonna do it, not in front of Candace.
1239
00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:33,157
Well, let me get your laundry.
1240
00:57:33,324 --> 00:57:34,450
Laundry?
1241
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:37,369
Let me help you with that, Mom.
I need some more socks, Mom.
1242
00:57:37,537 --> 00:57:38,871
They stink!
1243
00:57:39,497 --> 00:57:42,916
But you know, I don't mind the stinking.
I just gotta scrub them a little more.
1244
00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:47,087
Scrubba-dub-dub. Baby Michael in the tub!
1245
00:57:57,307 --> 00:57:58,348
Shit.
1246
00:57:59,058 --> 00:58:01,059
For Zeke, the cookie crumbled on Thursday.
1247
00:58:01,227 --> 00:58:04,062
So, the night is young.
What do you wanna do?
1248
00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:08,358
Well, it is our fifth date, right?
1249
00:58:09,944 --> 00:58:12,571
It is? I don't know, I lost count.
1250
00:58:13,323 --> 00:58:14,740
Did you really?
1251
00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:20,245
So, nightcap?
1252
00:58:21,956 --> 00:58:23,081
Okay.
1253
00:58:24,792 --> 00:58:26,043
Yeah.
1254
00:58:26,252 --> 00:58:31,173
So it's kind of small, but I really got it
for the French windows
1255
00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:34,551
and 'cause it's close to work.
1256
00:58:35,386 --> 00:58:36,386
So...
1257
00:58:36,471 --> 00:58:37,804
Stunning.
1258
00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:44,102
Yeah, maybe we should
get more comfortable.
1259
00:58:44,437 --> 00:58:45,479
Yeah.
1260
00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:46,855
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1261
00:58:48,733 --> 00:58:50,776
I'm gonna put on some music.
1262
00:58:51,528 --> 00:58:55,948
Or you know what? Better yet,
maybe you should go ahead and choose.
1263
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:57,574
Cool.
1264
00:58:58,785 --> 00:59:00,118
That vinyl?
1265
00:59:00,286 --> 00:59:02,788
Yeah, I'm a bit of a purist.
1266
00:59:03,998 --> 00:59:05,958
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
1267
00:59:06,125 --> 00:59:07,626
Don't leave. I mean...
1268
00:59:09,003 --> 00:59:10,462
Don't leave.
1269
00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:12,673
- I won't leave.
- Okay. All right.
1270
00:59:17,512 --> 00:59:20,138
Wow. You really are a purist.
1271
00:59:21,349 --> 00:59:23,517
How the hell did you get this on vinyl?
1272
00:59:23,851 --> 00:59:24,893
No.
1273
00:59:49,294 --> 00:59:51,878
So, how do you take your coffee?
1274
00:59:52,171 --> 00:59:55,966
See, Zeke found out the hard way
that sometimes, a nightcap means just that,
1275
00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:57,217
a nightcap.
1276
00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:58,635
Three shots of Jack.
1277
00:59:59,429 --> 01:00:00,929
You're so silly.
1278
01:00:08,646 --> 01:00:09,688
Yo!
1279
01:00:09,856 --> 01:00:11,440
Oh, Ced, what you run outta this time?
1280
01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:12,691
I ain't had no milk.
1281
01:00:12,942 --> 01:00:17,112
Hey, let me ask you a serious question.
You think I look like Idris Elba?
1282
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:19,823
'Cause the stripper down at the new club
Sweaty Crack told me that last night,
1283
01:00:19,991 --> 01:00:21,366
but I had a lot of ones in my hand,
1284
01:00:21,451 --> 01:00:22,743
so I don't know if she was trying
to play me or not.
1285
01:00:22,910 --> 01:00:24,411
Don't even answer. Don't worry about it.
1286
01:00:24,579 --> 01:00:26,204
'Cause it made me feel good
when she said it.
1287
01:00:26,372 --> 01:00:29,374
All right, looks like somebody got invited in.
How'd it go?
1288
01:00:29,500 --> 01:00:30,500
We had coffee.
1289
01:00:30,668 --> 01:00:32,544
And?
- Mint Milano Cookies.
1290
01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:33,795
And?
1291
01:00:33,963 --> 01:00:38,008
And we talked and we talked
about our childhoods and art and music,
1292
01:00:38,092 --> 01:00:41,386
and Plato's Allegory of the Cave.
What is Plato's Allegory of the Cave?
1293
01:00:41,554 --> 01:00:42,721
It's actually very profound.
1294
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:46,183
On par with Bishop Don Magic Juan book
of pimp knowledge and street wisdom,
1295
01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:47,517
which is a very good read.
1296
01:00:47,685 --> 01:00:50,354
Five dates and all I get is a cup of coffee.
What is wrong with her?
1297
01:00:50,521 --> 01:00:52,064
Ain't nothing wrong with her.
What's wrong with you?
1298
01:00:52,231 --> 01:00:55,192
Looks like the old Negro Gigolo
is losing his flow.
1299
01:00:55,360 --> 01:00:57,194
I'm in a relationship without sex,
1300
01:00:57,362 --> 01:00:59,696
when all I'm really trying
to get is sex without a relationship.
1301
01:00:59,864 --> 01:01:01,031
So, when you gonna see her again?
1302
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:02,908
Saturday night, nigga. Mind your business.
1303
01:01:03,951 --> 01:01:05,243
Nice job.
1304
01:01:05,411 --> 01:01:08,789
Hey, Zeke, when you go upstairs,
you gonna look in the toilet,
1305
01:01:08,956 --> 01:01:11,541
it's gonna appear to be stopped up,
I don't know for sure.
1306
01:01:11,793 --> 01:01:15,170
I just didn't know where the plunger was,
so don't be caught off guard when you see it.
1307
01:01:15,254 --> 01:01:16,296
There's a lot.
1308
01:01:16,798 --> 01:01:18,590
- So we stayed up all night...
- Okay.
1309
01:01:18,758 --> 01:01:20,717
...and we talked about everything.
1310
01:01:20,885 --> 01:01:22,219
Did you keep the cookie in the cookie jar?
1311
01:01:23,638 --> 01:01:25,472
- But of course.
- Nice.
1312
01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:27,265
I'm not gonna lie, though,
and say that it was easy.
1313
01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:30,435
I don't know, when he kissed me,
it was like sex.
1314
01:01:31,062 --> 01:01:34,189
So, yeah, thank you
for your advice on the undies.
1315
01:01:34,273 --> 01:01:35,357
Which ones did you wear?
1316
01:01:35,566 --> 01:01:37,943
- The granny ones.
- The grandma drawers?
1317
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:39,986
I told you the ugly panty trick would work.
1318
01:01:40,071 --> 01:01:41,738
- You wasn't trying to listen now.
And it worked.
1319
01:01:41,906 --> 01:01:46,243
Now that it's not just a theory,
do you really think you can last 90 days?
1320
01:01:46,411 --> 01:01:47,619
Monique!
1321
01:01:47,912 --> 01:01:49,037
It's Mya!
1322
01:01:49,247 --> 01:01:50,288
Call me!
1323
01:01:50,832 --> 01:01:52,958
It's Mya, asshole!
1324
01:01:57,255 --> 01:02:00,674
Yeah. Yeah, I think
I can definitely do 74 more days.
1325
01:02:01,092 --> 01:02:02,342
Okay, Monique.
1326
01:02:03,511 --> 01:02:05,512
- I'm canceling the date.
- Why?
1327
01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:07,472
He's a part-time waiter.
1328
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:11,184
May I remind you, Miss Thing,
that we were both waitresses
1329
01:02:11,269 --> 01:02:13,687
for two years at Olive Garden?
1330
01:02:13,771 --> 01:02:15,647
Candace, we were in college.
1331
01:02:15,815 --> 01:02:17,941
I'm talking about a grown-ass man,
1332
01:02:18,109 --> 01:02:21,695
who admitted that he was valet-parking
the Benz he chased me down in.
1333
01:02:22,155 --> 01:02:23,280
It's kind of romantic.
1334
01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:25,031
It's kind of pathetic.
1335
01:02:25,199 --> 01:02:26,616
I thought you didn't care about
how much he made.
1336
01:02:26,784 --> 01:02:28,201
I thought you believed in his dreams.
1337
01:02:28,369 --> 01:02:30,829
- But not his pipe dreams. Come on!
- Okay, fine.
1338
01:02:30,997 --> 01:02:33,415
Dump the first guy
who puts you before anything else
1339
01:02:33,499 --> 01:02:34,624
because he doesn't make six figures.
1340
01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:37,294
Please, he doesn't even make four.
1341
01:02:37,462 --> 01:02:39,546
And I can't invest
that kind of time in something
1342
01:02:39,630 --> 01:02:41,840
that I know won't yield tangible dividends.
1343
01:02:42,008 --> 01:02:43,216
Would you listen to yourself?
1344
01:02:43,301 --> 01:02:46,553
Dominic is a person, Lauren,
not a stock portfolio.
1345
01:02:46,721 --> 01:02:50,348
Like Steve Harvey says,
there's no such thing as the perfect man.
1346
01:02:50,516 --> 01:02:53,351
You have to compromise on something.
What do you have to lose?106781
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