All language subtitles for Jake.Squared.2013.HDRip.XViD-juggs[ETRG]

Whoo-hoo!

Jake! Come on, Jake!

Yeah, just a minute.

Come on!

Hi. I'm Jake Klein.

And I'm the writer and director
of this film.

Although, when I'm not writing
and directing, which,

Unfortunately,
is most of the time,

Um... I also sell real estate.

Ex-Wife, couple of kids...
Got to pay the bills. Anyway...

anyway...

anyway, I've written and
directed a few films that you

May or may not have heard of.

Uh... not exactly blockbusters,

But, you know, they...
They got around.

You can imdb me
and check them out.

So After my last film, I
was kind of hot for a heartbeat.

But eight years later,
still no film.

Came together... Fell apart.

Money attached... Fell apart.

Actors attached...
actors attached...

actors attached... Fell apart.

Showbiz.

Finally, I couldn't take it
anymore.

Started spending more time
selling houses.

But I was dying creatively.

I just really needed
to make a film.

Like you would paint
a painting or...

write a novel.

So I decided Since I got

This great house,
I'll use it myself, hm?

Fill it up with a lot of
interesting people...

ladies.

...shoot the heck out of it...

see what I get.

♪ Scratching at my window
like a bougainvillea ♪

♪ sensual memories ♪

- Hey. Jake.
- Yeah?

Why don't you come over here
for a second?

I want you to introduce you
to the folks.

- The folks?
- Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, folks,

Mike Vogel is gonna
be playing me.

I'm playing him.

This is good.

This is... I mean... I...

It...

Thanks, mike.

I mean, uh, Jake.

Jake squared.

Get it?

Good. That's good.

It's a little different.
That was different.

I'll be back over here.

Got to keep him on his toes.

Pretty good-Looking guy, huh?

But he's my pearl.

Jake!

Come on in!

It's warm!

Uh, come on.

Come on.

Bet he never thought playing me
came with such perks.

Now, remember, this film
is about more than just sex.

It's about love.

'Cause love is all there is.

Ooh! Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on.

I'll... call her back.

Um... Jake.

Yeah, boss?

I got this one.

You're kidding me, right?

Looks like this is one of those times
where I got to step into the story.

How you girls doing?

- Hey, Jake? Jake?
- Is somebody talking to me?

- Jake. Okay, this is bullshit.
- There's a little fly.

No, no. We had a deal, okay?

Hey, have you paid attention
to contracts here?

We had an understanding here
for these type of scenes.

Yeah, yeah.

If it's that hard, I'll walk.
I have no problem. What?

No, no. It's okay.
It's all right. It's all right.

It's good. It's good. It's good.

Uh, I was getting, uh, a little
waterlogged anyway here.

Hm. Aw. Mm.

Wha... Uh, don't expect me to be
stepping out of the plot anytime soon.

He's not great company, is he?

♪ Good morni-i-i-i-ng!
Rise and shine, dad!

Aah!
What the hell are you doing?

- Where am I? - Better hurry up!
- Holy shit!

You're the one who's always
yelling and screaming about

Missing the bus,
and now it's you.

Okay, so you guys go, go, go!

Go get some breakfast or
something.

I'm coming.

He said "coming."

Shut up, you little freak!

Oh, um, by the way, you don't
need to be embarrassed.

I'm not a child, you know.
It's perfectly normal.

Yeah, me and viagra...
It's a terrible combination.

Actors, take note.

Never mess with your director.
All right?

I guess now we know who calls
the shots around here.

'Cause I got to keep an eye on
everything.

It's my job.

And, lucky for me, there's an
app for that.

Aww.

- Hey, Sheryl.
- Hey, Jake.

Is this a good time?

Um... well,
we're kind of in the middle of shooting.

Oh. Sorry.

I guess you'll just call me when
you can?

Jake! We're waiting for you.

No, no.
We're, uh... You know, this is okay.

I can talk for a second.

Yeah.

What are you wearing?

- Do you not have a shirt on?
- Uh, no.

It's kind of like 100 degrees
here.

What's the weather like
in Chicago?

Windy.

All right, let's roll.

Oh, Sheryl, could you, uh,
hold on for a second?

I got to check
on what's going on.

Okay.

Driver!

Ye... No, no, no, no, no.
I don't...

- I don't know about that. - Oh, come
on, dad. You know I'm doing great.

Okay, but you almost took the side-View
mirror off a Prius the other day.

But I didn't.

Okay. Okay. I'm just kidding.

You're doing fine.
You can drive.

All right!

- Shotgun. I called it.
- Uh, no way.

Dad has to sit in the front
with me.

It's the law.

Jake!

When are you coming?

Oh, my god.
She said "coming," too.

Shut up, freak.

Jake!

Um... I just want to see you.

Yeah. Hold on. Hold on.

Let me just, uh,
put on this shirt.

No, I mean, see you see you...

In person see you.

Ah. Hmm.

Well, I want to...
I want to see you, too.

It's been three months.

Yeah, I know.

It's been way too long.

Uh...

let me just, uh, work through this and,
uh, we'll figure something out, okay?

I promise.

But listen, I got to get going.

No telling what's been going
on since I was away, okay?

Okay.

All right.

All right, let's see what's
going on here.

Sarah, can you please move
your seat forward?

I'm as far forward as I can go.

My knees are rammed against
the back of the seat.

You're too far from the wheel anyway.
Move it up.

- Oh, my god!
- Move it up!

I'm practically going through
the windshield, dad.

Hey! Cut it out!

I can't. I'm practically going
through the back of the seat.

- Stop it!
- Okay, okay!

That's enough!

That's it.
Now I'm stepping out of the scene.

But we're gonna be late for the bus.
What...

See what you did?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's he doing?

Okay, okay. Just relax.

Just relax. Relax.

And stepping in.

Just give him a sec.

It'll be interesting.

Ooh. I got an idea.

Oh, my god. Look at you.

Look at you! What are you doing?

You are fucking pathetic.
You know that?

Now, I'm here, looking for love

And a meaningful relationship.

All you're thinking about is
sex.

Excuse me, ladies.

One second.

Uh, did you see what I just
did there?

Talk about turning lemons into lemonade...
Two versions of myself, two Jakes.

Now, not only is that cool, but
it's a great way of showing two

Sides of a person's personality.

Anxious on one hand,
reluctant on the other.

Shy to a fault,
overconfident at the same time.

Looking for love...

afraid to commit.

You get the point.

- Dad, wake up!
- Not now.

Come on!
We have to get to school!

- Again?
- Wake up!

Shit.

Good morni-i-i-i-ng! ♪

Rise and shh...

whoa.

Aw, no, no, no. Now what?

That's not supposed to happen.

Dad?

Did you get a facelift?

That's not supposed to happen.

Ah. Finally.

So glad you're here.

Shit! Cut!

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

Okay.

What the fuck is going on here?

Now, this is not gonna work.

So much for lemonade.

One of you has got to go.

- You.
- I'm out.

No, no, no, no, no. Me. Come on.

I'm f-Freezing my ass off here.

All right, yeah. W-W-W-Whatever.

And who...
Who's that woman with the...

In the blue-Green dress thing?

'Cause I didn't...
I didn't hire her.

Where is she?

You. Where the hell
did you come from?

Y-You got to go.

Y-You're gonna ruin my film.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say.

There's a lot at stake here.

You screw up my film,
I swear to god I'm gonna...

I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna kill you.

Probably not such a good idea.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Stepping out!

Okay, did you ever see the movie
"the sixth sense"?

But what if that's what's
happening to me?

What if I'm not even alive?

What if I'm fucking dead?

Dead?

And all this crazy shit is...
Is really...

me in some kind of limbo? Yeah.

And this whole party is a film.

It's really some kind of...

wake... for me.

How fucked up would that be?

That's not a knife.

That's a knife.

Ow!

- Just put it right there?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- All right, all right.

Action! Action.

W-W-What'd you do?

Uh, nothing.
I just, uh, just scraped it.

- Thanks.
- Mm-Hmm.

W-W-What are you making here?

Hot dog wrapped in bacon.

Hello? Maybe I'd like one.

Um, hello?

Maybe there were only two left.

Yeah. Whatever.

You want me to...?

Get some silverware.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Tuna.

Some things never change.

May I have some, too?

Uh... yeah.

Sure, I guess.

Don't forget the chips.

The chips.

Right.

It's a...

it's a time-Honored formula.

The kids tell me that's about
the only one he has.

So...

hmm.

So, there's this guy who's

Really struggling with his life.

He's always been
unlucky in love.

Is that his fault?

Or is it just
the way things are?

He decides to make a movie
to help him sort it all out.

And the whole thing is supposed
to take place in this big party,

But things don't go exactly
according to plan.

Because not only is
he at the party,

But also himself at age 30,

As a teenager, and at 40.

And new loves are there, old

Loves are there, and one love

He's known since he was a
teenager all the way till now.

Will she be his future as well
as his past?

Or will it be... the new love?

Someone who lives really far
away and...

Well, I mean, it's not that far.

Or will it be his best friend,

Someone he's known for 25 years?

You know, where they know
everything there is to know

About each other and where

There's always been this
kind of... tension...

without any real action.

And you never know.

It could happen.

Or will it be what he so

Strongly suspects... Or I should

Say fears...
That there'll be no one?

Well, thank god there was never
a holy grail.

Or, at least,
that they never found one.

Because without the quest for

The grail, what would

Sir Galahad have done with the
rest of his life?

And without a never-Ending quest

For a perfect love, would

Jake Klein even be Jake Klein?

So, there you are.

Look at all that gray.

What a difference 10 years

Makes.

Holy shit.

I'm just kidding.

You look great.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Oh. Ohh. That's good.

Oh, oh, no.

Oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Maybe I was wrong.

Yeah.

Maybe you turning up wasn't such
a bad idea after all.

Cocteau.

What the fuck did he know?

♪ Remember the day on the

Highway one? ♪

♪ When the music said so,

And we drove through the sun ♪

♪ we were on the run,

Cuttin' class for fun ♪

♪ and we didn't let go

Till the day was done ♪

♪ I remember wanting to say

♪ "we should live like this

Every day" ♪

♪ but I was afraid,

Oh, I was afraid ♪

♪ so I shut my mouth,

And we drove away ♪

Aw, sorry.

I didn't, uh, I didn't realize

Anyone was there.

L-I didn't mean to intrude.

I just couldn't help myself.

You're really good.

Uh... I don't know.

No, really. You're great.

What's your name?

Uh... I'm Damian.

Well, that's a cool name.
I'm rain.

Wow... Rain.

That's actually a lot cooler.

So, Damian, are you gonna
play me a song?

Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna write you a song.

Boss, where do you want that
shot set up?

Do you want that shot by the
pool outside or do you want it

Over there, out in the front?

- Excuse me. What?
- Oh, man.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I thought you were Jake.

I am.

What?
You guys got the same name?

Look at you, man.

You even look like him.

Maybe if he was like a...
Like a few decades younger or something.

Hey, don't tell him I said that,
though.

I won't. I won't.

So, tateleh,
how's everything going?

Great, grandpa.

I met an incredible girl.

Wonderful. What's her name?

- Rain.
- What kind of name is that?

Well, no, it's a... I-It's
more like a nickname.

- Her real name's Joanne Cohen.
- Joanne Cohen?

Joanne Cohen?!

No, no. Don't touch that girl.

What?

I think she might be your
cousin.

Don't do anything till I call
you back.

Wait, but, grandpa, WA...

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I feel like an egotistical

Piece of shit.

How about you?

With all the death and poverty
and hatred in the world, people

Enslaving and torturing each
other, what the hell is the

Relevance of a self-Indulgent
piece of shit like this?

One.

How can anyone care about the

Love-Life musings of one guy who

May or may not be afraid that

He's going to wind up alone,

With people being slaughtered
all over the world?

Two.

Skinheads want to kill Jews and
blacks and Hispanics.

Some people want to deny the
poorest children healthcare and

Nutrition so the richest people
won't have to pay a few thousand

More each year in taxes.

The lack of morality is so
disheartening.

Shit.

Things are no different than
they were 3,000 years ago.

All the advances don't make a
bit of difference.

We may be able to text each
other, but all the evils that

Existed at the beginning of
mankind still exist today!

9, 10.

Grandpa?

You're dead. You're dead.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Tateleh, you're confused.

Uh...

yeah... Confused.

Jakey, each one of us is alive

In our own time and place.

And each one of us has to deal

With the same problems that

Humans have dealt with since the

Beginning of our time.

Now, none of the problems that

You're thinking of have been
solved yet.

We tried, but, uh...

still they remain,
essentially the same.

Son.

Dad.

The problems of the world are
huge.

No one of us can solve them all.

M-Mostly busy with our own daily

Lives, so we try our best
to solve the large ones.

But we leave them to the leaders

And great thinkers...

The ones we've delegated the
responsibility to.

And they haven't had much luck,
by the way.

I feel like I'm at a Seder.
What is this...

The responsive-Reading part?

Do you mind?

- No, not at all.
- No.

So, you see, Jake, that's the
answer to your question.

That's what makes your movie
relevant and not self-Indulgent.

We need to hear about people's
relationship struggles.

We need to hear about their
career issues.

What other yardsticks
do we have?

Which means...?

It can't all be about serving
the larger cause.

The immediate and more temporal

Must be served, as well, and
perhaps, even first.

- Yeah.
- Mm-Hmm.

And then there are the
mother Teresa's of the world.

Thank god we have them.

They're here to deal with the
other stuff.

With a little help from us,
of course...

When we're not too
busy worrying about our love

Lives and our mortgages,
that is.

What about you?
Do you have anything to say?

Yeah.

Go ahead.

You're cute.

You know, I like that.

I like that.

Feeling better now?

Yeah.

I'm feeling much better now.

Jakey! Jakey!

I almost forgot to tell you...

Geez, grandpa, I told you...

It's "Damian."

Damian.

Of course, tateleh.

So, how long is that gonna last?

Quit stalling. Just...

What'd you find out?

I checked it out, and it's

Just what I thought.

She's your cousin, all right.

Shit!

Second cousin once removed.

W-Wait. W-What's that mean?

That means it's okay...
Strictly kosher.

- Wait... Seriously?
- Seriously.

All right!

A little odd, maybe.

♪ Remember the day on the

Highway one? ♪

♪ When the music said so, and we

Drove through the sun ♪

♪ we were on the run,

Cuttin' class for fun ♪

♪ and we didn't let go

Till the day was done ♪

♪ I remember wanting to say

♪ "we should live like this

Every day" ♪

♪ but I was afraid,

Oh, I was afraid ♪

♪ so I shut my mouth,

And drove away ♪

Oh.

I remember that song.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't...

I didn't realize anyone
was there.

That's exactly what you said that night,
and it wasn't true then, either.

It is you, isn't it, rain?

Of course.

Although, I haven't used that
name in... several decades.

Damian.

I remember everything.

I remember what
you wore, what I wore.

What you said, what I said.

I was so in love with you.

I didn't know.

How could you not know?

So insecure.

Guess I still am.

Didn't need to be.

You were my dream come true.

You were mine.

I think.

Wake up! You overslept again!

Morning, sleepyhead.

Better hurry up, or you're gonna
miss the bus.

- Yeah, like I care.
- Unless I drop you off.

It's out of my way, but for you,
sonny boy...

- Driver.
- Oh. Sorry I asked.

Come on!
Dad, you know I'm doing great.

You nearly took the side-View

Mirror off a Lincoln yesterday!

Yeah, but... But I didn't.

You're doing fine.

Okay. You can drive.

All right!

Uh, mom, I'm gonna need to have

A cup of coffee... Black,
please.

You know I don't like you
drinking coffee.

It gets you all wound up.

Don't worry, ma.

I'm not gonna get wound up.

It's just, I'm half asleep.

I got to drive.

All right. Just one cup.

What is that?

I don't know.

I'll go check it out.

Excuse me.

Mom.

Mom.

Oh. Hello.

Um, do you know me?

Of course I know you.

Who am I?

Don't be ridiculous.

What mother wouldn't know her
own son?

Look at you.

You're so young, so beautiful.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Look at me.

You look wonderful.

"Wonderful."

I'm at least 10 years
older than you.

How is that possible?

Jakey, you seem stressed.

Do you want a cup of coffee?

I thought you didn't like me
having coffee.

Well, sweetheart, you're not
exactly 17 anymore.

I think we can make an
exception this one time.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

I don't get it.

H-How did you and dad do it?

Married 55 years.

55 years?

Well, a-At least, that's how

Long you will be
married before dad...

W... I mean, what I'm trying

To say is, no matter how hard I

Try, I can't seem to do what you

And dad did, so...

effortlessly.

Maybe you're trying too hard,
Jakey.

Your father and I were very
lucky... A miracle.

He never thought that he was
gonna make a relationship work.

And then we fell in love at
first sight, and there was never

Any need to look anywhere else.

That's great. That's great.

Don't worry.

You'll know when the right one
comes along.

Well, I thought I did.

I thought Jocelyn was the one,
but I was wrong.

Love at first sight is
wonderful.

But then it takes a lot of

Work to make a real
relationship.

Maybe it wasn't so effortless as
you think.

Your father wasn't the easiest
of men.

He could be...
very difficult at times.

Well, mom...

I don't think it's gonna happen
for me.

But it's all I ever wanted...

what you and dad had.

I'm not even capable of...

what?
You were 20 when you met dad?

I'm not 20.

I'm not even 40.

Problem is I've had

Too many right ones come along.

Oh, my god.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Jakey.

I feel so bad.

I want to see you have
everything you want.

And I hate seeing you
sad like this.

No, no, ma. Cut it out. Please.

Look, everything's fine.
Everything's fine.

Please... Don't worry. I'm fine.

"Don't worry, ma."
"Don't worry, ma."

That's what you always say.
I can't help but worry.

I'm just having a moment.
That's it.

Everybody's entitled
to a moment.

It's good.

It's all right, you know?

I mean, I got two beautiful
kids, got a beautiful life.

Not to mention a beautiful
mother.

So don't worry... Please. Okay.

I'm gonna have another cup
of coffee.

One cup.

I don't want you getting all
wound up... Again.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't worry.

All right? Don't worry.

Don't you worry.

You are so lucky.

You're telling me.

No, seriously.

You are lucky to be Jewish.

Really?

Yeah.

I really admire the Jewish
people.

I've even thought about
converting.

Very cool. Very cool.

I mean,
you people are amazing...

So smart and successful.

I mean,
Jews pretty much control everything.

Especially in show business,
and I'm an actress, you know,

So, that's very important to me.

So you think by converting,

You'll kind of get in on that?

Yeah.

So right after the ceremony,

You'll get a call from the

Central Jew committee,
asking where to send your share?

No.

Well, I guess.

I got to go.

Damn it.

Damn it. Damn it.

Well, at least
I almost got laid.

Yeah, well... you didn't.

Long story.

Mm. Always is.

What's your excuse?

What are you waiting for?

Yeah?

I'm, uh...

I'm working it.

We got a... We got a thing going

On over here.

Just waiting for the right
moment.

Ladies, how are we?

Fine.

I'm Jake.

Uh, Jake, I'm Laurie.

Laurie. That is beautiful.

Do you like hot tubs?

N...

Doesn't everybody?

Yeah.

Shall we?

Nnngh!

Unngh!

Doomed.

So fucking doomed.

I'll call her tomorrow.

So, I don't get it.

If you really like Sheryl,
why don't you get her to move here?

She's a fabulous woman, and,

Surprisingly enough,
she likes you.

- Oh. Thank you. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey, boss.
We're ready when you are.

Uh, we'll...
We'll be right there.

Come on. Got to get going.

I don't know, Beth.

Just doesn't seem fair somehow,
you know?

I mean, she lives halfway across
the country.

She's got a small kid.
You know, I live here.

I got two kids. W-W-What?

What am I supposed to do...
Move her and her kid here?

I mean, that'll screw
up their lives...

Take them away from all
their friends, school.

Not to mention the kid's dad.

I mean, I don't know how I'd
feel if somebody did that to me,

You know? I mean...

And then, after all that, you
find out, hey, it doesn't work.

That... That... That'd be awful.

Then why don't you...

you could move there.

No. You kidding me?

Man, I got an ex-Wife...

Joint custody.

You know, so I think she'll have
something to say about that.

Not to mention, you know how
cold it is in Chicago?

Hmm.

What?
What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing. Just "hmm."

I don't think I like the
sound of that "hmm."

Well, then,
you're too sensitive.

You know...

I don't know.

I just think that these sound

Like really good excuses for not
pulling the trigger yet again.

No. Look, come on.
Give me a break.

I mean, look, look.
If she lived here and, you know,

Had a life, was raising her kid

Here, you know, then... T-Then

Anything's possible.
You know what I mean?

We could see each other
normal-Like.

But you would still find
something wrong.

'Cause you'd search and you'd,
you know, you'd get all

Intellectual about it and in
your head about it.

If you were really in love,

You would figure out a
way to make it work.

What makes you think that she would even
want to do anything like that, anyway?

- Wha...
- All right, you guys ready?

Yeah. Almost there.

All right. 10-4.

"10-4"?

You're not a cop.

"10-4. 10-4."

What else... What should I say?

Like, "over and out," or what?

So, have you... I mean, do
you know how many that you...

- You're working on this thing?
- No, I don't.

They didn't tell me.

Whoa. W-What is that?
What is this?

- Wig.
- No, I don't... I don't do wigs.

- No wigs?
- No, it's contractual.

Take it up with Jake.

So, what happened with the
other thing?

- Oh, my god.
- The... The internet thingy?

Ah, it's a total bust.

Oh, no! Why?

I went one of the worst
dinners of my life.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

- Why? What happened?
- Major attitude, major

Appetite, major nose job.

- No!
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, she told me she was
slender.

And she wasn't?

Not if you consider 5'7" and

150 pounds slender.

That's... That... That's a
very nice figure.

That kind of is slender,

Actually, if you think about it.

- I'm awful.
- Yes, you're awful.

- I'm awful!
- Very superficial.

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

You didn't tell me about that
date you went on.

- How'd that go?
- Ohhh!

No, no. How... How Di... What?

Okay, well, you know how when
people are...

yeah.
...single and they just want

To be in a relationship?

And then, once you're with
someone, you just feel like...

trapped.

Ah. Okay. I got it.

So he wasn't... He didn't have,
um... He wasn't spiritual.

- Oh, god!
- Don't do that to me.

He just, you know, didn't
have much to say.

You're changing the subject,
and we're supposed to talk about

How fucked up you are.

On the next film, we can talk

About how fucked up I am.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Okay, all right. We'll do that.

You can't?

No, but I could talk to him.
I could see if I could get you,

Like, another, uh, another scene
or something.

We have great hot tubs,
great, great party scenes.

- Oh, yeah. That'd be great.
- Scene 55, take 4.

All right, uh...

get your water.

Let's see the Evamor
bottle... Bottles.

- Yep.
- All right.

This is shameless.

Okay, boss.

We're ready down here.

All right, action!

Is that "action"?

Action.

I'm telling you, she... She

Is the most beautiful, you know,

Funny, loving, supportive girl

That I-I've met in my entire
life.

I can't wait to meet her.

Yeah, Beth, I'm telling you,
you're gonna love her.

- Boom!
- But...

"but" what? What?

- "But" what?
- Oh, come on.

- You know, what's the "but"?
- No, there's no "but."

- She's fabulous.
- No, no.

There is always a "but."

Yeah, no, and that's what I
thought, too, right?

I thought that there's no way that
I could ever fall in love, right?

It's not because I hadn't met the
right one yet, you know what I mean?

Uh... but... But... But it's because
there couldn't possibly be...

in the frame!

...There couldn't possibly...

be a right one, you know what I mean?
Because of me.

I have to admit, that thought
did cross my mind.

Right.
So if you take... Like, if you

Take the girl that I... That I cared
about least in my life, you know?

- Mm.
- Um...

- sandy.
- What's the line?

"In my life."

We'll take it again. Hold on.

So if you take the girl that

I've cared about least in my
life with the girl that I cared

About the most in my life,

Right, and you put them on a

Scale from here to here,
Jocelyn is like... She's... She's...

Pyew! I mean, she's on the other
side of that canyon, you know?

I'm telling you, this girl,
she's off the charts.

She is the one.

Jake? Jake!

I think this is when you're
supposed to say, "cut."

- Hmm?
- "Cut."

Oh.

Cut!

Thanks.

Camera cuts.

Anyway, I'll talk to him.
I'll see if we can't, uh...

Yeah, do that. Yeah.
...get another scene or something.

She's cute.

You really think she looks
like me?

Nah, you're significantly
better-Looking.

All right, let's do it again.

You're a taskmaster.

After you, my love.

Careful. Careful.

Welcome home!

Mom. Dad.
What are you doing here?

- Oh, welcome home.
- You didn't think we'd miss

The birth of our first

Grandchild, did you?

So darling.

- Oh, hello, there, little...
- Sarah. We named her Sarah.

You named her after my mother.

Aw.

I don't know what to say.

Aw.

Probably the happiest day
of my life.

That guy doesn't look
anything like me.

It doesn't have to look
exactly like you.

I mean, it... It... It... It's
just an artistic interpretation.

Well, how come your
interpretation looks like Brad Pitt?

My guy looks like
James Cromwell.

- Here.
- You want to see her?

- I got her.
- Oh.

Just c-Careful.
Just ca... Be careful.

What up, fake dad?

Hey, fake dad.

What? Who's that?

♪ Who told them
boys you'd be runnin' with me,

Runnin' with me? ♪

♪ Who told them boys you'd be
runnin' with me now? ♪

Hello?

Mike. Hi. Jake.
Listen, you got to help me.

Okay. What's up, man?

That's Jocelyn.

Yeah, I know that's Jocelyn.

No, not her, but the one that
just pulled in?

- Yeah.
- That... That is the real Jocelyn.

Oh, my god.

Wow. That has got to be all
sorts of weird... for you.

Yeah. You think?

You got to... You got to handle
this for me.

No.

God, no.
It's not part of my deal.

Listen, please. Please.
I've had a couple of drinks.

There's no way that I can...

Just... Just...

All right. All right.

It's just uncomfortable
listening to you beg.

I'm gonna need another hot-Tub
scene, huh?

Done. Done.

Done.

Now where's he going?

Hey.

Need a hand?

Does it look like I need a hand?

Oh.

Where's...

Ohh!

I forgot.

He's making his little movie.

You, uh, you must be... Jake.

Yeah. Yep. That's me.

I'm... I'm Jake.
Let me give you a hand.

I, uh, I should
have been so lucky.

Hi.

I'm Jocelyn.

Oh, my god!

Really?

You look just like me.

This is...

can't believe you guys.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

That's really nice of you,
you know that?

Absolutely.
You got a lot of stuff.

- I know. The kids, you know?
- Right. Right.

Well, I mean, I don't know.

Just... O... Kay.

I'll, uh...
I'll see you later, then.

We'll see you next week.
Will you still be around?

I mean, I don't know.
I have no idea.

You know,
the way this thing's going...

Well,
I hope you'll still be around.

Nice ass.

Whew.

I know you're watching me.

Jesus.

Hi, real dad.

Oh. Hey, sweetie.

Whatcha doing out here?

Uh... nothing.

Just relaxing, enjoying the
afternoon.

Ah. So I see.

- Mm-Hmm.
- Can I have a sip?

No, it's just water.

Give me a break.

- What?
- Oh, god.

What is that?

What is... Oh! Wow.
That's vodka.

What are you doing
drinking vodka?

Oh, dad.

Oh, dad, dad, dad.

It's after 6:00, anyway.

Yeah, maybe in New York.

So, uh, dad,
can you loan me 20 bucks?

Me and Alyssa want to catch a
movie later.

Loan you?
You mean you're actually gonna pay me back?

Don't I always?

Seriously?

Whatever.

Hey, hey. Hey.

Here.

Come on.

- $40?
- Yeah.

That was it.

- Thanks, dad.
- All right. All right.

I'll pay you back. I promise.

That's not necessary.
You don't have to.

Thanks, dad. Love you.

Enjoy your... afternoon.

Love you, too.

Did you do your homework?

Um...

well, that's a "no."

Okay, so, no film, no movie

Till you do your homework.

All right, all right.

- Hey, sweetie!
- Hey, dad.

- Uh, any homework tomorrow?
- Nope.

Great! See you later.

Hey, uh... dad...

can I borrow 20 bucks?

Me and Alyssa want to catch a
movie later.

Can you borrow 20 bucks?

Yeah.

Um...

Yeah. Sure.

20 bucks.

Great. Thanks, dad.

Yeah.

♪ Ohh

♪ there's a fire in me

♪ embers leap from tree to

Tree ♪

♪ when the forest is burned

Down and the animals flee ♪

♪ come draw this fire

Out of me ♪

All right, what the hell's he
doing now?

You look beautiful, sweetie.

Thanks, "dad."

You're very talented.

All that money on lessons was
definitely not wasted.

Hey.

That was groovy. We should jam.

He's a really great guitar
player.

He'll blow your mind. I'm rain.

I'm Damian.

Damian.

Really?

Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

All right, that's just about
enough.

No, no, no! Stop, stop, stop!
I'm telling you, there's, like,

- A million dads down there.
- So what?

- It's just part of the movie.
- No, it's not.

I read the entire script.

That's not how it's supposed
to be.

What... All five pages?

No, there's nothing in there
about all these dads!

All right, all right!
Don't have a heart attack.

I'm not having a heart attack.

Dad's the one.
He's, like, freaking out!

Don't be such a drama queen!

There's even a kid who calls

Himself Damian and plays the
guitar.

So what?

So that was dad's stage name

When he was some, like, hippie

Folk singer in high school.

Remember?

No! Don't.

It'll freak you out.

I'd love to freak out.

No, don't...

Awesome!

What are you doing here?

Uh...

I don't know.

Not sure.

Yeah, I, uh...

this is my movie.

I say what happens.

Oh, yeah, big shot?

What happens?

I don't know.

But you're not supposed to be
here.

Only he is.

What? Oh.

Don't look at me.

Well, maybe we're just trying to
figure out the same thing as you.

Maybe... Maybe that's why
we're here... To help you.

- With what?
- Love.

How to find it. How to keep it.

Hey, guys, I don't mean to
interrupt or anything, 'cause,

- You know, clearly you got a lot to
work through here. - What?

I'm just looking at the call
sheet here.

I'm wondering if any of you
happened to notice which way, uh...

uh, bathing beauty 3 went?

Are you kidding?

She thought you were a little
harsh on her.

You know, all the Jew stuff.

So I figured that I'd, uh...

Oh, my god.

Okay, whatever.
Listen, I'll just... I'll leave

You guys to it.

We just want to fall in love.
Same as you.

I don't want to fall in love.

Been there, done that.

Just think how you felt when
you first met Joanne.

How beautiful it was.

And what did you do?

You totally blew it.

He does?

There's still time.

Huh.

- That's not a real quote.
- Yeah, it is.

- It's from a song.
- That I wrote.

So that doesn't count.

Come on. You know this one.

You know this one.

♪ Love is a pain

♪ you might as well put a bullet
straight through your brain ♪

♪ you want to see your life spin
out of control ♪

♪ right down the drain

♪ go ahead

♪ fall in love

♪ it's a pain

♪ love is a drag

♪ after the bomb explodes

♪ the dust's so thick, you start
to gag! ♪

♪ Pick up your million
shattered pieces ♪

♪ put 'em in a body bag

♪ go ahead, fall in love

♪ it's a drag

♪ yeah, baby, it's a drag

♪ listen, my children,
to what I say to you ♪

♪ love really stinks

♪ it never, ever, ever, ever is
true ♪

♪ it always promises forever,
but then it never lasts ♪

♪ it never la-a-a-sts!

♪ It never lasts!

Huh.

Shall we?

Yeah.

Uh...

anyone else think that song was
a little harsh?

Kinda.

Is that seriously how I'm
gonna become?

No. Never.

I mean, he's so jaded.

You're nothing like that.

Crap. You don't get it.

Sure we do.

You're just a helpless... Oh, I

Mean, hopeless romantic.

That's it.

Run away.

Same as always.

Don't blame us when we end up

Old and alone and in a room

Somewhere with no one to even

Change our diaper.

Whose fault would it be then,

Huh?

Okay, fuck you.

Fuck you.

You better be gone when I get
back.

All of you!

All of you.

This is so awesome.

Making movies sucks.

I'd rather pay bills and balance
checkbooks.

I should have been an
accountant.

Everything would have been so
much easier!

One... I could have been a cool

Accountant, not a nerdy one.

Cool... The hank moody of
accountants.

Cool clothes, cool chicks, cool

Cars, cool watches, cool,
cool, cool.

Two... Meet some beautiful
girls.

"What do you do?"

"Me? I'm an accountant."

"Ooh! Really?"

"Yeah, I play around with other

People's money all day long."

"That's so sexy."

"Yeah.
Let's go back to my place."

"I thought you'd never ask."

I heard that.

Hey.

You did not.

It's all internal dialogue.

I'm not exactly sure what

That means, but I heard it
nevertheless.

Thank you.

Hey, Jake.

Yeah?

Do you want to make out?

Say what?

I was just... thinking you and
I should make out.

Why?

No reason.

Just because.

Hey, didn't we make out one time
before?

Yeah.

Like 25 years ago, when we first met,
but, like, for a second, maybe.

L-I don't remember that.

Thanks.

No, I mean, no offense.

It's just... Are you sure?

Yeah.
I don't forget things like that.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what about that woman we

Met that time and she went on

And on about how you dated and

You hadn't a clue who she was?

No, she was lying.

I'd never seen her before
in my life.

Why would she do that?

Well, because you don't

Remember making out with me.

Let's go for a hike.

But I was serious.

Really?

Yeah.

That was fun.

It was even better than the
first time.

I thought you didn't remember
the first time.

I don't.

But if it was that good,
I wouldn't have forgotten.

Okay. Let's go for a hike.

Yeah. Whatever.

Hey! Jake!

Yeah.

Jake, am I working today?

Dibs on the Porsche.

I got the Volvo!

Hey! What about me?!

Maybe I want to go somewhere,
too, you jerks!

Okay, does anybody know if
I'm working today?

Hey.

This your first day?

Ohh.

Old Porsche.

- Ooh.
- Oh, my god.

I love that sound.

Oh, hell no.

♪ You beautiful doll

♪ you great big, beautiful
doll ♪

What is this...
Cirque Du soleil?

Hey!
You should be wearing a helmet!

Come on.

Well?

It's not easy reading backwards.

"Daily om."

That's a lot of pressure.

I rely on you.

A quote from a website...
Really?

Yeah.

And I'm very confused.

Well, then you've come to the
right place.

Tell me something, Jake.

Mm-Hmm.

Are you happy?

I don't know why I wouldn't be.

I mean, I've got so much to be
happy about, you know?

I mean, I got a beautiful home,

Friends, some money,
wonderful kids. You know?

I'm still meeting women, which,

At my age, is, you know, it's
pretty amazing.

So... yeah. I'm... I'm happy.

Of course, those things have

Nothing to do with the question

I'm asking you.

I mean, you can go out for a

Great dinner, you can...

kiss a beautiful woman.

These are pleasures, you know?

You... You feel a rush of
endorphins in that moment.

You can have great moments of

Pleasure in your life and still
be unhappy.

So, my question remains...

Are you happy?

I guess if you put it that way,

No, I'm not.

Big surprise.

Mitch Klein?

Hello, dear.

Jake, that's your father!

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

- You're... He's... He's...
- Dead?

What can I say?

He's like the ghost of
Jacob Marley.

Where are your chains, dad?

- Jacob who?
- Never mind.

I did most of the reading
in the family.

Jake, it's no wonder you're
not happy.

You should have never ended your

Marriage.

I didn't end my marriage, dad.

She left me.

Successful marriage is the
key to happiness.

I didn't leave her, dad.

Your mother and I were
married 55 years... Until I

Passed away,
which kind of ended that.

Yeah? Well,
maybe it wasn't such a bed

Of roses as you might think.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I don't know.

Maybe mom...
thought you were difficult.

She said that?

No, she didn't.
I-I'm just talking shit.

I'm sorry.

I guess it's because, you know,

You just keep saying that I left

My marriage, which I didn't do.

Jake, I don't know how you
could have done what you did.

I didn't leave her, dad!

What, am I talking to myself?

Apparently.

Oy. Oy.

Beth, this is my grandfather.

He's been dead for 30 years.

Uh...

granddad, this is my best
friend, Beth.

Ah. Very attractive.

Thank you.

- Jewish?
- No.

She's, uh, she's not Jewish,
grandpa.

At your age, I suppose it

Doesn't make that much

Difference, tateleh.

You're certainly not gonna have
any kids anymore.

But, believe me, you're much
better off with a Jewish girl.

We're... We're just best
friends, grandpa.

What ever happened to
Joanne Cohen?

She may have been your cousin,

But at least she was Jewish.

Okay, hello. Hello.

I'm right here.

I'm sorry, dear.

L-I don't mean any harm.

I'm just a silly, old, Jewish
grandfather.

And I'm sure that your family

Would much rather you marry some
nice catholic boy.

Um...

I'm protestant.

I...

But, anyway, as Jake said, we're
just good friends.

And that was some friendly
kiss back there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

I've just had about enough
of this.

What do you two guys want?

I'm all grown up now, you know?

Shit.

I mean, I'll... I'll be
collecting social security

Before you know it.

Does anybody know the
combination to this lock?

I'm getting, like,
really exhausted.

I want to, you know, like, lock
this thing up someplace.

Jakey!

"Damian"!

Hi, grandpa.

Jake!

Sheryl?

Oh, shit.

Oh, no, no, no.

Stay! No!

No! Hey, hey!

- Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
- Oh.

Hell no.

Hell no!

Jake!

Jake! Jake!

Oh, shit! Shit! Shit!
Sorry! Sorry!

Hey, man!

My past... It's catching up
with me!

I'm serious! Look out!

Look o-o-o-o-out!!

Oh. So sorry.

What the hell?

Jake, wait!

I came all the way from Chicago!

Sorry!

Jesus!

Joanne?

Jake!

Am I working today or not?

Hey.

Shh.

Hey.

Hello.

Noisy, isn't he?

Yeah. You always were.

I was not.

Ohhh.

Are you really Joanne?

Yeah.

My Joanne?

Yes.

Far out.

Chicago... All the way from
Chicago.

And you do this... You guys

Do this... You see each other
two or three times a year?

Yes.

You serious?

Why? Why would you do that?

Well, I probably wouldn't if

It were anyone else.

Huh.

Oh. I'm sor... I'm sorry.

I just... I think he's a jerk.

I... No. If... If... If it were

Me, I mean, I would not let you
out of my sight for a second,

And I mean that. No, seriously.

L-I think you've got it all.
Look at you.

You're... You're... You're
beautiful.

You're... You know, you're
funny, you're smart.

I think...

I just think that he is out of
his mind.

That's what I think.

Well...

as a matter of fact,
I have thought that myself...

- on occasion.
- On occasion?

Try working for him, okay?

It's just "ooh-Ooh!"

How much, uh, how much longer
you in town?

Mm... it depends. I don't know.

You guys planning on seeing
each other that time or...

well, talk to Jake.

I'll talk to Jake, all right.

So... how have you been all
this time?

Like, who are you? I mean...

who did you become?

You know, what did you do?

Becoming me.

I've had a beautiful life.

So what are you now?

Like... 40?

40?

God, I wish.

No, you're gonna have to add
quite a bit to that.

So, did you ever get married
or did you ever have kids?

Yeah, I was married once
a long time ago.

Didn't work out.

I have a daughter.

She's a grown woman now.

We were supposed to have kids.

I mean, we used to talk about
that all the time.

And what the hell happened?

I mean, how... How is it that we
didn't end up together?

I guess we both just needed to
be free.

What does that even mean?

I mean, I don't get that.

I mean, who says I ever wanted
to be free?

♪ Good morni-i-i-i-ng!

Rise and shine!

Let's go! Get up!

Gonna be late for school!

Go!

I met him on jdate.

And, then, that's a Jewish
dating site, isn't it?

Yes.

So, you're Jewish.

No.

So, then, why were you on jdate?

Lots of girls who aren't
Jewish are.

I like Jewish guys.

Why is that?

Are you... Are you some sort of
a Woody Allen fan?

Something like that?

Everybody knows that Jewish

Men make the best providers.

And they never hit their wives.

Well, I thought he was nice and
all that.

But, um...

he wasn't really my type.

A little too Jewish.

So... So it wasn't a match.

No way.

But... But he was totally
into me, though.

L-I kind of felt bad about that.

Well, it was obvious.

He sent me a bunch of e-mails
after that.

I just never answered.

That is such bull.
I didn't e-Mail you.

You did too.

No, yo... No, no.
You e-Mailed me.

As if.

You want me to get my laptop?
I-I-I'll show you.

Okay, all right, all right,
all right, you two...

Plus... Plus...

he lied on his profile.

I think he lied about his age.

Is that true?

It's totally not true.

Yeah. I doubt that.

What about you?
Your profile said that you were

Slender.

And?

And...

listen, I think you're lovely.

I just can't understand why you

Just wouldn't describe yourself
as you really are.

And that way, you would just get
calls from guys who are only

Into... Interested
in people like you.

People like me?

Yeah... People who aren't...

slender.

I am slender.

Okay, let's get out of here,
kids.

We're gonna be late.

I'm slender.

Absolutely.

Are you Jewish?

- What?
- You were on jdate?

Yeah, but just for one second.

That's all.

You're... You're...
You're such a loser.

No, I'm not!

I think it's great that people take
their destinies into their hands.

I know a lot of people who have met
their husbands and wives that way.

It just wasn't for me. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

- I need the keys. Buh-Bye.
- Hey!

Driver!

Hey!

Wait up!

The hell you think you're going?

School, man. Driver.

Uh, get real, dude.

You're totally in the wrong
generation.

Do you even know what an
automatic transmission is?

Why are you going to school,
anyway?

Uh, I don't know.

Aren't I supposed to?

How old are you?

17.

Get in.

Scoot over.

All right.

Make sure you don't hit the
fence.

Again.

Got it, loser.

You know, give me the keys.

W-W-What are you doing?

We're gonna be late.

No, we won't.

Dad...

Oh, my god.

Why does everybody keep doing
this?

Stepping out.

You know, sometimes this is,
um...

Um...
I mean, what I'm trying to say...

trying to say is, um...
what I want to say...

These things that are...
That are happening to me...

Come on, dad! Let's go!

Ah. Shit.

Marcus Aurelius, emperor of

Rome in the second century

A.D., Reigned through war
and disaster.

He thought that all things in
life flowed naturally and it

Was better to go with the flow
than to fight against it.

Marcus Aurelius... Seriously?

Would have thought it was
the Beatles.

All right. I give up.

I can do that.

I can do that. I can relax.

Go with the flow.

I wonder who said "do your own
thing."

Julius Caesar?

Let's go.

Let's go with the flow.

I can tell there's a
gentleman in there.

Hey. Jake.

Hey, Jake.

Oh, wow. You're both named Jake?

Jake and Jake. Jake squared.

- More like Jake to the fifth.
- Huh?

It's an inside joke.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

But remember... I'm Jake and

He's Jake, but a lot of people

Think that he's Jake and I'm Jake,
but it's really the other way around.

Nah, he's full of it.
Don't listen to him.

I'm Jake. He's... He's Jake.

Okay.

> Hey, Jake, can you meet me in
the dining room in 10 minutes?

- What's up, Jake?
- Nothing... I just have a few

Things I want to talk over with
everyone.

No problem.
I'll be right there, Jake.

Oh. Me too?

No, just Jakes.

Oh. Okay.

Well...

Jake.

It was really nice talking
with you.

- Mm-Hmm.
- How about we talk a little

More about that part after your
meeting?

- Yeah?
- What?

Like you wouldn't do the same
thing if you were making a movie?

Richie?

Is that you? Richie madden?

I'm Richard madden.

Nice to see you,
my young friend.

How are you?

I'm... I'm fine!

But... look at you...
All growed up!

I can't believe it!

It's like Gandalf the Grey.

And look at that stomach!

Excuse me?

Oh, god, no, I'm sorry.

I'm just kidding.

No, really, though, man,

You really let yourself go!

I-I-I'm sorry.
I'm not really remembering...

Hey, Jake.
Hey, man, listen, I'm calling a

Little meeting
in the dining room.

All the others are coming.

Okay, great.

All right?

Jake.

Yeah?

Hey. Richard. How's it going?

What's going on here?

Oh, nothing, man.

Just got a little family issue.

Enjoy yourself.

Come on.

Later, Richie.

"Richard."

Y-Yeah.

L-Later.

Jesus! Richie madden!
What the hell happened to him?

I mean, he used to be so
good-Looking!

God, we really held up a whole
lot better than him.

Good job.

- You think?
- Oh, yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Good.

Good. Good.

First of all, I want to thank

You, uh, all for,
uh, being here.

I mean, I got to admit, at first,
I was a little freaked out.

I mean, you know, it's not every
day, uh, someone gets to hang

Out with themselves.

Literally.

Yeah, I was freaked out.

Anyway, all in all, this has

Turned out to be one of the best
experiences of my life.

All right.

As you all know all too well,
I've been looking for love all

My life, and the journey has
been brutal.

Amen to that.

Covered a lot of territory.

And I just wanted to thank

You and let you know how much I

Appreciate and understand that

You all being here is to help me

Try to figure this
whole mess out.

Okay.

Who's it gonna be?

Who's it g...

Uh, what do you mean?

Who did you pick?

No. No, no, no.

That is not why I called
you here.

Well, obviously it's Joanne.

Joanne? You got to be kidding.

She's the perfect choice.

I mean, when Joanne and I met,

It was love at first sight.

Absolutely no doubt
it was meant to be.

Are you serious?

I mean, Joanne is great, but she
was never there for us.

She was the quicksilver.
You put your finger down just a

Little too hard,
she scoots way over there.

Well, maybe you just didn't
give her enough of a chance.

- Okay? I did.
- That's a laugh.

You started this whole thing.

Every time you guys got a little
close, you ran for the hills.

It'd be hard to say
who ran faster.

Look, man, I'm only 17. Okay?

I-I-I'm not supposed
to settle down.

I'm supposed to sow my wild
oats.

You guys are the ones that are
supposed to settle down.

Hey, hey, hey! Guys, guys! Guys!

Personally, I think we should
take another look at Jocelyn.

Jocelyn?! No!

No fucking way Jocelyn!

Guys! Jakes! Please?

No, no, seriously. Hear me out.

I mean, first of all, she's the
mother of our kids.

Well, there's definitely
something to be said for that.

Hey! Is anybody listening?

And when we met, it was
really love at first sight,

Not some teenage thing.

No... offense.

Yeah, none taken.

But a real, full-Blown, adult

Love at first sight.

When I first met her, I was

Pretty certain that she
was the one.

Pretty certain?

Very... certain.

But that's not what you said.

- That's what I meant.
- Oh.

Anyway, you didn't know her 10
years later.

She wasn't exactly the same
person at all.

I can promise you, there's no
way we're going back to that.

Tell him.

Uhh...

Enh. You heard what dad said.

It's not too late.

Hey, are you kidding?

Well, you know, it seems

Unlikely that, uh...

uh...

just seems highly unlikely.

Okay, see?

Good.

What about Sheryl?

Sheryl's the greatest.

She represents a mature love.

Now, now, I admit... Jocelyn,

Joanne were big loves, right?

But Sheryl is something
completely different, man.

I mean, she is something really
special.

She's a sweet lady, she's attentive,
she's compassionate,

She's loving, no blow-Ups, no
drama.

- That's also pretty important.
- Right.

But the thing is, every time she
gets just a little under his

Skin, he starts finding new ways on why
he wouldn't want to belong to that club.

Y-Y-You know what I mean?

Just, gentlemen, please.

Could you... Could I...
Could I speak?

Can I speak?

Oh!

Beth.

What about Beth?

Yeah.

I mean, y-You didn't know her.

She was after your time.

But Beth is the greatest.

Absolutely.

We've been friends for over 20
years.

If you knew her, you'd be crazy
about her.

Not to mention that she's a
great kisser, right, Jake?

Look, that sounds good,

But...
I mean, if something was gonna

Happen, don't you think it
already would've happened?

I mean, 25 years...

That's a long time.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Yeah, the kid's got a point.

Hmm.

Hey.

Hey!

- The fuck is the matter with you?
- Me?

I mean, do you really think
that there is something wrong

With every single woman
in the world?

Or might there possibly be
something wrong with, uh...

I don't know... You?

Why are you guys blaming me?

Who says any of them even want
to be with me?

Who says anyone would
ever want to be with me?

Did that ever occur to you?

Man, this is a lot harder
than I thought.

Unbelievable.

UN-Fucking-Believable.

Did you ever think about
putting some color in your hair?

No, I mean, maybe just a little

Bit around the temples
and sideburns.

I mean...

Unbelievable.
UN-Fucking-Believable.

I can't believe they're
lecturing me.

They're the ones who always found
something wrong with everybody.

One. "Oh, no, no.

This one's too tall.
That one's too short.

This one's too this.
This one's too that."

Shit! I'm the one who had
two kids.

I'm the one who made a
commitment!

Two.

Did it ever occur to them that
maybe searching for the right

One is just some kind of unconscious,
defensive thing so I don't get hurt again?

It's psychological!

Three. I don't know.

Maybe the Jakes are right.
Maybe it is Cheryl.

Four. Sheryl's great.

She's beautiful. She's smart.

She's always fun to be with.
Yeah.

Sheryl.

Five.

She has a really weird laugh.
It's kind of irritating.

But I can get used to that.
I can get used to that.

Really, I can.
I mean, she's so sweet and she's so kind.

7, 8, 9, 10.

No, I want a funny story.

Not good on point?

It never...
It never comes easy...

- I can't fucking believe it.
- Jake. Oh, god. Jake, no.

- This is not what it looks like.
- You did not say that.

Come on, Jake.
Don't be that way.

Come on. Get in the tub with us.

Could you believe I'm
actually gonna do this?

Okay.

- How could you do this?
- How could I not?

What'd you think...
I was gonna wait around forever?

I can't fucking believe it.

I mean, especially now.

I finally f-F-Figured out it's
you that I want to be with.

Jake. No, you don't.

You just think you want me,

Because now it looks like...

maybe you can't have me.

Now I'm a safe bet.

That's not true.

I mean, I was hoping that you'd
feel the same way.

Is it because he's younger
and better-Looking than me?

I mean, my pearl?

Ech.

No.

The fact that he's a total hunk
has nothing to do with it.

Jake, I love you.

But if I move from this side of
the tub to that side,

You'd immediately start
noticing all

The reasons why I can't possibly
be the right one.

- No, I wouldn't.
- Yes, you would.

Look, could I... Could I...
Could I just say something?

Oh, god, how I wish you
wouldn't.

All right, I-I may not be a real Jake Klein,
okay, but I do play one in the movies.

Go right ahead.

You don't really want to fall
in love.

- Of course I do.
- No.

No, what you really want... Only,
you're just too ashamed to admit it...

Is the endless search.

I mean, y-You love being free.

No. I don't.

I want to be in love.

I want to spend the rest of my
life with somebody.

That may be what you
think you want.

Okay, Jake.

Why don't you tell me what I
really want?

You want exactly what you

Already have.

- I do?
- You're the master of your destiny.

I'm the master of my destiny.

Okay, check this out.

You want perfect love.

But, poor you, you can't
find it anywhere.

I mean, how could you say yes to

This one when she doesn't have
what that one has?

How could you say yes to that

One when you could meet someone

This afternoon and she's got
everything?

You see what I'm saying?

So it's... It's the possibility
that's exciting.

Even at a time of life of...

rapidly diminishing

Opportunities.

It's true.

Jake, look at all the other
Jakes trying to make their old

Loves fit the bill.

But you don't want the bill
filled at all.

Your parents' long-Term
relationship...

"That's what I want," you thought,
always punishing yourself for not being

Able to do it.

And the truth is, you're already

Exactly who you're supposed
to be.

You're the person you designed.

I'm the person I designed.

I like e.e. Cummings.

Oh, my god.
Dude, I just wanted to say thank you.

Like, this has been the best
movie I've ever worked on.

So many beautiful chicks.

It's just been Like a
smorgasbord.

And Sheryl.
Sheryl, she's, this one,

- She's the keeper.
- Hmm.

Seriously.
God, you think we'll end up

Making one of these movies
someday?

I am the person I designed.

Ohh!

I am the person I designed.

There you have it.

I finally figured it out,

Thanks to actor Jake and Sheryl.

I never was capable of falling

In love and being
with one person.

My marriage was the oddity...

A temporary departure from who
I really am.

I thought I'd spent my whole

Like looking for the one,
perfect love.

And it was really always about
being able to fall in love with

So many different qualities
in so many different people.

So... I created.

I created this situation myself.

Now that I realize it...

I can relax and be happy.

This is the life.

I think you're full of shit.

Not only are you full of shit,

But I think you're the
loneliest, most miserable fuck

I've ever known on the face of
the earth.

- No, I'm not.
- All you ever really wanted

Was to fall in love with the
right person and spend the rest

Of your days with her.

And I think you're despondent
that time is running out.

And even if you met her today,

You'd only have a few,
short years together.

- No.
- And I think you're crushed.

I think you're crushed that the

Possibility of a lifelong love

Has passed you by.

Oh, god. Man, you're wrong.

You're wrong. I am happy.

I am the master of my destiny.

Ah, that's a good one,
don Quixote.

Now, listen.
Don't forget... I know.

Hmm?

You know, even if it means

Spending the rest of your life
alone...

you're still not willing
to settle.

How stupid is that?

Pretty damn stupid, huh?

You're damn right it is.

Pretty damn stupid.

Thanks a lot, asshole.

Pass the chips.

You know, I got to admit...

It's kind of...

it's kind of romantic in a,
you know,

Bizarre, self-Destructive
sort of way.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Maybe even a little... noble.
- Really?

But don't tell anyone
I said that.

I'll deny it.

Don't worry.

At least we always have
each other.

You know?

Oy vey.

Should I shoot myself now?

Oh, man.

♪ Scratching at my window

Like a bougainvillea ♪

♪ sensual memories

♪ there's a little black

Message trying to get my
attention ♪

♪ heart bits and pieces
scattered on the floor ♪

♪ if the glass cracks,

Maybe we can study the
patterning ♪

♪ beep-bop-bop ba-ba-da
da-di-dum ♪

♪ holding on to something
'cause it fits my little theory ♪

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA-Di-DA DA-DA

♪ freedom

♪ miles from Arizona
with a broken tie-Rod ♪

♪ la-di-da-di-da da-by-yoo

♪ you can flag down a passing
motorcar ♪

♪ beep-bop-bop Ba-Ba-DA
DA-Di-Doo ♪

♪ if we get back safely,
I can show you my drawing ♪

♪ beep-Ba-By Ba-Ba-Ba
DA-DA-daa ooh ♪

♪ honey, are you okay?
You seem quite distracted ♪

♪ seems we always knew they
we would leave as we came ♪

♪ with love

- Pow.
- Punch.

- Ooh!
- Bang bang.

- Come here.
- ♪ boom, boom

♪ boom, boom, Ba-Dum

♪ boom, boom

♪ boom, hmmmmmmm

♪ scratching at my window
like a bougainvillea ♪

♪ sensual memories

♪ if we drive toward the
sunset, it'll never go down ♪

♪ love and bits and pieces
crawling under my skin ♪

♪ but we're stuck here in the
desert with nobody to hear us ♪

♪ breathless now, and the
ground is shaking ♪

♪ walking on the shells of
microscopic feelings ♪

♪ we slide

♪ through time and space into
your hand ♪

♪ would you care to have a
little piece of heaven ♪

- Pow.
- Punch.

- Ooh!
- Bang bang.

Come here!

Come here!

♪ Bang, bang, bang, bang

♪ bang, bang, bang ♪