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1
00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:32,131
All right. What's happened?
2
00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:34,400
Everything?
3
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,839
This will only
take a minute, Mr. Freeman.
4
00:01:46,841 --> 00:01:48,540
Uh, forget the mess.
5
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:51,810
My secretary's taken
the day off again.
6
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,313
Some hasidic holiday
or something.
7
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:58,450
It's a rosha... krishna...
Shanana... who the hell knows.
8
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:02,287
Anyhow, as you know,
your mother owed bad taxes,
9
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:05,424
so there's really nothing
to turn over
10
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:09,628
other than one ring,
emerald clad, platinum setting,
11
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,197
one box, cardboard variety,
12
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:18,770
containing her, mm...
"Most prized possessions."
13
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:18,770
And that's it.
14
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:23,809
Otherwise. The government's got you by the flagpole, Mr. Freeman,
15
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,311
and they usually win in that tug of war.
16
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,614
Now, if you would press hard,
17
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:32,818
and bend it that way,
it's there, three copies,
18
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,220
right there, and right here,
19
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,523
and one more time.
20
00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:41,426
And that's it.
Thank you, sir.
21
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:43,495
For your time,
for your business.
22
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,864
And for not blubbering
on the mahogany.
23
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,534
Oh, whoa!
Hold on a minute.
24
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,503
Looks like we got a floater.
25
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:54,573
It seems, Mr. Freeman,
that there is one bill
26
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:58,610
your dear old mama
did manage to pay off.
27
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,777
-hi, Rhonda.
-Hi, Lenny.
28
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:32,911
Sorry about your loss.
29
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:32,911
Oh, well, thank you.
30
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:37,516
Um, before I leave, I just
wanted to say that it has been
so nice working with you
31
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:40,552
and I'm so sorry we never
got a chance to go out
on a date or anything
32
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:44,423
because you know, you always
were busy with relatives
in the town and stuff.
33
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:44,423
Okay.
34
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:48,327
And I wanna thank you for
being my best work pal, Allen.
35
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:52,297
Look for me in television.
36
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:58,864
And now, live from las Vegas,
37
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,699
it's the monte guy show.
38
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,435
Tonight's guests include comedian Jimmy Shaw,
39
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:06,672
and the winner of last year's
stand-up stand-off Willy Vince.
40
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:10,909
Now, let's say hello to monte guy.
41
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,448
-Hey, Shakespeare.
-Hmm?
42
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,583
You in for oxygen or
just another refill?
43
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:18,583
Oh, no, thank you.
44
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:21,520
"No, thank you,
I've just about
milked the shit out of
45
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:21,520
this bottomless cup
of 60-cent coffee,"
46
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:25,424
or, "no, thank you,
I'm about ready to
order something
47
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:28,593
so I don't waste any more of
the lovely miss Evelyn's
valuable fucking time"?
48
00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:30,529
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes, um, how are your eggs?
49
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,798
Just dandy.
How's your sperm?
50
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,000
It's a joke.
What, you zombie people
got no sense of humor?
51
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,703
I'm sorry. I just didn't
realize you were
trying to be funny.
52
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,504
I wasn't trying to be funny.
I am funny.
53
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,605
There's a difference.
54
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:40,605
Yes, ma'am.
55
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:43,675
Why don't you save your
negative commentary for
the shit on the menu?
56
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:43,675
Now, what do you want?
57
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,111
Um, I will have three eggs.
58
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:46,111
-Scrambled?
-Uh, scrambled.
59
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:52,017
Oh, and a side of sausage,
a side of bacon, and a side
of biscuits and gravy, please.
60
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:52,017
That comes with a heart attack.
61
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,753
Would you like that for here
or to go?
62
00:05:55,588 --> 00:05:57,055
It's a joke!
63
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:57,055
I didn't...
64
00:05:57,057 --> 00:06:01,093
Hey, what are you
getting off for
my shit ain't funny?
65
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:03,395
I'll have you know my shit
is very funny.
66
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,731
Hey, Richie, tell the man
how funny my shit is.
67
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,833
Your shit is very funny.
68
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:11,436
What? You wanna be zombie
sides? Don't have pockets
or a sense of humor?
69
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,739
No, actually, I am
a stand-up comedian.
70
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,440
I mean, I will be soon.
71
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,980
That is the funniest shit
i had heard in weeks.
72
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:21,980
You ain't no
motherfucking stand-up.
73
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:26,084
No, no, not yet, but I'm on
my way to las Vegas for
the monte guy audition.
74
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,819
-The what?
-The stand-up stand-off.
75
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,722
You know, monte guy.
- Huh.
76
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,125
Well, I'm sure he'll just snap
your writer's ass right up,
77
00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:36,395
you being on the cutting cost
with contemporary comedy
and all.
78
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:37,863
That wasn't very nice.
79
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:39,564
Hey, you started it, pillsbury.
80
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,133
You sit there,
all rude and shit,
81
00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:42,868
start pulling
an easter island on me.
82
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:42,868
Well, I'm sorry.
83
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:42,868
Maybe I'll just take
my waitress skills
closer to Vegas,
84
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:48,707
where they'll be
more fully appreciated.
You hear that Richie?
85
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,609
-Okay, I said I was sorry.
-Too late.
86
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:50,609
You've offended me
beyond repair.
87
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:55,547
Hey, Louis, three eggs,
and fuck 'em up.
And heavy on the cholesterol.
88
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,417
I got Bob hope out here
on the road to a coronary.
89
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,431
- George?- Yes?
90
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,466
You're awfully funny on the radio.
91
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:14,466
Everybody says so.
92
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:19,871
You're the funniestcomedian in the world, George.
May I have your autograph?
93
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:22,140
- You wanted my autograph?
- - Yes.
94
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,609
Right here on this dotted line.
95
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,878
Oh, so that's what you're up to,
96
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,614
trying to get my signature on that silly contract.
97
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,516
Well, it didn't work. Now get out of here.
98
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:32,884
Yes, dear.
99
00:07:58,711 --> 00:08:01,146
-Costume party?
-Oh, no, thank you.
100
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,681
I'm on my way to las Vegas.
101
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:02,681
-Is it much further?
-About 200 miles.
102
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:09,254
Either way, once you hit
lamb bone, just keep an eye
out for that heavenly glow.
103
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,890
-Can't miss it.
-Uh, thank you.
104
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,658
Is the bathroom clean?
105
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,627
Just ate dinner off the floor.
106
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:10,916
Hello?
107
00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:13,552
Dirty guy?
108
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,771
Sorry, chief,
didn't mean to startle you.
109
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,273
Was wondering if you could
spare me a lift.
110
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,876
I'm sorry.
I'm not going that way.
111
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:41,580
How do you know?
112
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:44,082
-Know what?
-Where I'm going.
113
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:44,082
Well...
114
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:49,287
I just... I don't pick up
hitchhikers. It's just
something my mom used to say.
115
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:49,287
You understand.
116
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:53,191
Sure, can't be too careful
these days, right?
117
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,860
Yeah. Well,
sorry I couldn't help.
118
00:09:57,797 --> 00:10:01,066
Actually, you could help.
You just chose not to.
119
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,734
There's a difference.
120
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,937
No worries.
121
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,872
Always another way.
122
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:10,875
Well, okay, uh,
you should look me up,
123
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:13,078
if you're ever in las Vegas.
124
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,115
You famous?
125
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,951
Not yet, but I'm going to be.
126
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:24,756
Hey, you want a ride?
127
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:49,114
Gee, that's awfully nice of Ronnie,
128
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:54,719
to let me take his Oscar home so I could show it to Rochester.
129
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,955
Hmm. Sure is dark tonight.
130
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,256
No moon.
131
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,891
Oh, well.
132
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:07,999
Hey, bud. Bud.
133
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:09,834
Huh?
134
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,369
You got a match?
135
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,104
Yes. Yes, I have one right here
136
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,907
Don't make a move, this is a stick-up.
137
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:15,907
Mister, put down that gun.
138
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:19,778
Shut up. I said this is a stick-up.
139
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:22,147
Now come on. Your money or your life.
140
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:32,190
I already fixed this
for you once today.
141
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,159
I wish you'd learn to
take care of your shit.
142
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:37,028
Sorry.
As Luke 12:15 says--
143
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:40,198
Don't get patronizing
with me. I know what it says.
144
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:56,815
Look, bud, I said
your money or your life.
145
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,283
I'm thinking it over.
146
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:55,240
You're not gonna turn out to be
some kind of pervert, are you?
147
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,908
Oh, pervert?
148
00:12:57,476 --> 00:12:59,444
No. Definitely not a pervert.
149
00:12:59,446 --> 00:12:59,444
You sure?
150
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:04,182
Well, I'd cross my heart
but my wife took that
along with the house.
151
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,856
Oh! Thanks, man.
152
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:13,792
Getting a little wet out there.
153
00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:16,928
Woo!
154
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:21,199
This sure is one sweet bitch,
ain't she? What is she, a '52?
155
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,835
-A '53.
-Oh, nice.
156
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,870
I had this old Chevy once,
157
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:28,273
all done up spaccano style.
158
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,142
Fat tires, the works.
159
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,878
My wife used to accuse me of
loving that car more than her.
160
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:33,878
I said to her, "sweetheart,
161
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:39,083
that's impossible.
I burned my dick
on the tailpipe."
162
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,053
I burned my dick
on the tailpipe.
163
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:44,022
-Did you have a name for it?
-What, my dick?
164
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,491
-No, your car.
-Oh, fuck, yeah, man.
165
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,459
Pinstriped right
across the side.
166
00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:50,395
"Black magic."
167
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,363
Just like the old
Louis prima song.
168
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,332
My mother loved Louis prima.
169
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:54,332
-Ain't that a fan?
-Yes!
170
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:59,304
Although, prima, he liked to
hunt the off-season beaver,
171
00:13:59,306 --> 00:13:59,304
if you catch my drift.
172
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:03,208
He had a bone for his
16-year-old backup singer
173
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,144
tell your mama that one.
That'll blow her skirt up.
174
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:08,446
She just passed away.
175
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:13,451
Look at that.
I've gone and offended you
with my off-colored dialog.
176
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,453
You know what, I don't even
deserve your generosity.
177
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:16,921
You can go ahead
and pull over right here
178
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,356
-there ain't no hard feelings.
-No, no, no.
179
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:18,356
It's all right. Really.
180
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:22,627
I'm kind of relieved to
have somebody else
do all the talking actually.
181
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:26,898
I... I've never picked up
a hitchhiker before.
182
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,867
You ain't never picked up
a hitchhiker?
183
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:31,169
Jesus, don't I feel like
Hitler at passover.
184
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,872
You are truly
a selfless soul, my friend.
185
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:37,942
You know what, I actually
stopped because I was curious
when I saw your sign.
186
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,144
I mean, I guess I just... I...
187
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,082
Name's hitch.
188
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:44,349
Hitch?
189
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,151
That's my name, that's my game.
190
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,454
Uh, Lenny.
191
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,556
Where are you from,
"uh, Lenny"?
192
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,558
Peoria, Illinois.
193
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,959
How about you?
194
00:14:54,961 --> 00:14:56,628
Oh, I'm from all over, I guess.
195
00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:58,963
I've never been living
in one place for long.
196
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:02,634
Only time my old man
settles is when he paid off
his bar tab.
197
00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:03,968
That is funny.
198
00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,403
Could I use that?
199
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,906
Mi casa, su casa.
200
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,908
That's a shame, you being solo,
201
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,210
what with your dad dead
and no kin.
202
00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:15,046
How did you know that?
203
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,649
Well, I just kind of assumed
that was the situation,
204
00:15:17,651 --> 00:15:20,018
you know, you living
with your mom and all.
205
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:20,285
Oh, right. Yeah.
206
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:25,523
You thought I was a mind reader
there for a second, didn't you?
Made you nervous.
207
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,026
No, man,
i ain't no mind reader.
208
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:28,593
Just a sign reader,
209
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:34,632
and that one up ahead that
you're about to blow through
says, "stop."
210
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:44,075
I'm taking near-death
experience over sex
any day of the week!
211
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:45,410
Woo!
212
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:55,286
You know what,
I'd like to buy you some food.
213
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,721
Would you like me
to do that, Lenny?
214
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,423
You don't mind if
i call you that, do you?
215
00:15:58,425 --> 00:15:58,423
Huh?
216
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:03,094
All right, you know what,
I'm gonna need you to
pull over right up in there.
217
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,529
Gonna make a withdrawal.
218
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:15,173
I'm gonna be just a minute,
219
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:20,211
and I'm gonna leave my bag
in here with you 'cause
i trust you, Lenny.
220
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:23,081
Now don't go peeking
at my private parts.
221
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:56,147
Evening, ma'am.
222
00:16:56,149 --> 00:17:00,385
Now you look to me like
someone who appreciates
a good laugh.
223
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:03,521
Now, please, stop me
if you heard this one before.
224
00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:17,168
I've noticed you've got
a lot of old time comedy crap
in your car.
225
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,370
My mom and I used to
memorize routines together.
226
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,139
Mmm. Fun.
227
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:23,408
Eh, too bad no one wants
to hear that shit no more.
228
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,410
I don't know.
That material is classic.
229
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,046
Come on, Lenny. Wake up
and smell the headlines.
230
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:28,046
You know how comedians work,
231
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:32,316
and they're the angry pricks
ranting about how fucked up
everything is.
232
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:35,520
The more filthy, the better.
233
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:38,656
I don't know.
I used to manage
a couple of jokers.
234
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,657
You did?
235
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:39,657
They're a pain in the ass.
236
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:45,463
Always bitching about
how so and so ain't
as funny as they are,
237
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:50,134
so and so stole their material,
so and so blew so and so's gig
on monte guy.
238
00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:52,203
I mean, who needs
that shit, right?
239
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,404
I guess.
240
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,408
Don't tell me.
241
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:00,311
You want to be
a stand-up, don't you?
242
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:00,311
Actually, yes.
243
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:03,848
I'm on my way to las Vegas
for the monte guy auditions.
244
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,149
Are you any good?
245
00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:06,784
Well, my mother thought so.
246
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:06,784
Pardon my French,
but fuck your mother.
247
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:11,556
I'm about a real audience.
You ever headline, or you
strictly a middle man?
248
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:11,556
I don't follow.
249
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:17,562
Did you ever open for a group
of respirating humans and
make 'em laugh for money?
250
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,163
You mean, like on a stage?
251
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,731
Oh, no, no, no,
nothing like that.
252
00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:23,101
Hey, how about you open for me?
253
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,703
But you'll have to
open real wide.
254
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,173
Don't mind him.
He thinks he's a comedian.
255
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:29,173
Hey, baby,
you know I'm a comedian.
256
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:34,445
Yeah, I guess
your performance has been
pretty humorous lately.
257
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,515
That supposed to be funny?
258
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,118
Sorry.
259
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:44,188
Hey, more coffee?
260
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:46,224
Um, is he really a comedian?
261
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,626
Yeah, t-bird headlines
at the yuck stop.
262
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,529
They've got an open-mic
there every night, no cover.
263
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:51,529
Half the town is there
264
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:55,533
along with most of
the people passing through
on their way to Vegas.
265
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:55,533
Well, what a coincidence.
266
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:59,804
That is exactly where
we're headed, ain't that right?
267
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,639
Lenny here is
looking to be famous.
268
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:01,639
Ain't that right, Lenny?
269
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,576
Oh, what a shame.
I was just starting
to like your friend.
270
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:09,180
Oh, boy.
271
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,348
She sure is pretty.
272
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:11,816
Here's your big chance, Lenny.
273
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,784
Oh, no, she would
never go out with me.
274
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,354
The open-mic, cabbage head.
275
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,890
Destiny is calling.
It's time to get up there
and shake your stuff.
276
00:19:18,892 --> 00:19:20,892
No, no, no. I've got to
get to las Vegas.
277
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:20,892
Suit yourself.
278
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:24,262
I mean, if you wanna make
a complete ass of yourself
279
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,796
before the Caesar of comedy,
that's your business,
280
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:28,266
but believe you me,
i know the man,
281
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,934
you only get one shot
in front of monte.
282
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,371
This fucking thing
ate my money.
283
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:36,374
Well, maybe if
you ask real nicely,
284
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,576
the queen will
play us something.
285
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:40,745
Moi?
286
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,649
Thank you, everyone.
287
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,284
I'd be delighted.
288
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:49,587
This one's for you, grail baby.
289
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,270
so, you really think
i ought to try out
this open-mic thing?
290
00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:07,805
Hey, man, it's your foreskin.
291
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,707
I just think you're nuts to
blow your load on monte
292
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,944
without trying out
your material on
some live cadavers, but...
293
00:20:12,946 --> 00:20:14,545
Do what you want.
294
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:15,880
I ain't your manager.
295
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,348
But you could be.
296
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,484
You could be my manager, hitch.
297
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:21,385
Well...
298
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:26,557
Well, I don't know.
I mean, I like you.
I like you. I do.
299
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:26,557
I do, but, you know,
it's just...
300
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:31,329
It's just you're not exactly
cracking me up a mile a minute
over here, Lenny.
301
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:31,329
But you haven't
even heard my routine,
302
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:35,433
and if there's something
you don't like, then
you can punch it up.
303
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,835
Yeah, but see, it's just
not that simple, man.
You see...
304
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,438
Comedy is like sex, right?
305
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:44,709
What one person finds
enjoyable, another person
might find sick and disgusting.
306
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:48,279
I couldn't go into
a relationship in which
i didn't have complete trust.
307
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,947
Please, hitch.
308
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,516
I have dreamt about this
my whole life.
309
00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:55,987
Well, I gotta warn you, Lenny,
310
00:20:55,989 --> 00:20:58,856
I don't enter
into contracts lightly.
311
00:20:58,858 --> 00:20:59,991
Oh, no, me neither.
312
00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:01,659
No. Cross my heart.
313
00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:06,764
Well, I know you got a mighty
big heart there, Lenny.
314
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,633
Looks like we got us
a contract.
315
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,639
Turn away from babylonia!
316
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:16,007
Evening, father Ricky.
317
00:21:16,009 --> 00:21:18,009
Close the door before
you let the flies out.
318
00:21:18,011 --> 00:21:20,978
There is a deceitful prince
upon us.
319
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:24,348
He will bring destruction
and despair
320
00:21:24,350 --> 00:21:26,784
unto god's chosen people.
321
00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:30,388
The time is at hand, babylonia.
322
00:21:30,390 --> 00:21:35,359
Yes, the time is at hand!
323
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:45,603
See, these are the jokes
that got me banned
from the chuckle hut.
324
00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:45,603
Some bitch over there doesn't
want me performing there
325
00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:52,076
so she tells me
my material is offensive
to the women's movement.
326
00:21:52,078 --> 00:21:54,445
The women's movement?
What the hell is that?
327
00:21:54,447 --> 00:21:56,914
Bunch of broads get together
and take a dump?
328
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:01,385
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
329
00:22:01,387 --> 00:22:03,454
I'm all about
female empowerment.
330
00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:08,459
The fuck are you doing?
331
00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:14,332
I don't understand
a fucking thing you just said.
332
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:16,500
Hey, thumb master,
how about that cocktail?
333
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:19,437
I said I'm going over
my routine.
334
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:21,605
Why don't you do it in
fu-ba-cking English?
335
00:22:21,607 --> 00:22:23,441
Because this loosens my tongue.
336
00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:26,377
If you want a loose tongue,
suck on this.
337
00:22:26,778 --> 00:22:27,878
...gagging...
338
00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:39,457
All right, all right.
339
00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:43,894
How about a hand for
Mr. sensitive, t-bird!
340
00:22:45,498 --> 00:22:47,098
All right, all right,
look alive.
341
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:50,801
It's time to switch over
to the open-mic portion
of the program.
342
00:22:50,803 --> 00:22:54,004
Now listen, if any of
you jokers are thinking
about coming up here,
343
00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:55,840
you make sure
you sign up on my list.
344
00:22:55,842 --> 00:22:59,677
All right! Put your hairy palms
together for our first guest.
345
00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:04,014
He comes to us
all the way from peoria,
wherever the fuck that is.
346
00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:07,685
Welcome to the stage
Mr. Lenny Freeman.
347
00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:18,889
Next.
348
00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:22,660
Uh... uh...
349
00:24:22,662 --> 00:24:25,095
-But you know what, I've--
-next!
350
00:24:25,097 --> 00:24:25,095
I'm, uh...
351
00:24:25,097 --> 00:24:29,233
Come on, man,
let's see some fucking comedy.
352
00:24:29,235 --> 00:24:33,204
-I...Uh...
-Those jokes are so old,
they fart dust.
353
00:24:33,206 --> 00:24:35,206
Get off the stage.
354
00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:38,776
Oh, I think you
hurt his feelings, Tommy.
355
00:24:39,811 --> 00:24:42,480
Get off the stage.
You suck.
356
00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:45,549
You suck, you suck, you suck,
357
00:24:45,551 --> 00:24:48,652
you suck, you suck, you suck,
358
00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:52,122
you suck, you suck, you suck,
359
00:25:11,743 --> 00:25:12,910
I hate him.
360
00:25:12,912 --> 00:25:17,114
I hate him, and I know
it's wrong to, but I do.
361
00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:18,616
And I wish...
362
00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:21,252
I wish he was dead.
363
00:25:21,254 --> 00:25:23,988
Ain't nothing wrong
with hate, Lenny.
364
00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:27,525
No, no. Never hate or curse,
my mother always said.
365
00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:30,528
You see... no, man, see...
366
00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:30,528
That's the problem
of folks today.
367
00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:34,164
Everyone's afraid to express
their real feelings.
368
00:25:34,166 --> 00:25:36,000
Takes a real man
to admit to hate.
369
00:25:36,735 --> 00:25:36,734
Real man.
370
00:25:36,736 --> 00:25:41,238
I mean, I have been
working hard all of my life
371
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,007
and then he had to
go and ruin it.
372
00:25:43,009 --> 00:25:45,676
And I'll tell you this,
he ruined it for everyone.
373
00:25:45,678 --> 00:25:47,545
Oh, there, there, Princess.
374
00:25:47,547 --> 00:25:51,081
I mean, why would you go all
"you suck" like that?
375
00:25:51,083 --> 00:25:54,285
Well, that's
an easy one, Lenny.
'Cause you do.
376
00:25:54,287 --> 00:25:55,686
Oh, yeah, very funny.
377
00:25:55,688 --> 00:25:58,155
No, man, I mean,
you suck real bad.
378
00:25:58,157 --> 00:26:02,560
Real bad. I mean some people
just plain suck-suck, you take
sucking to a whole new level.
379
00:26:02,562 --> 00:26:05,629
It's almost spiritual,
how amazingly you suck.
380
00:26:05,631 --> 00:26:08,032
-Oh.
-That don't mean...
381
00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:11,101
That we can't whip your ass
into shape for ol' monte.
382
00:26:12,337 --> 00:26:14,805
Maybe I should just go home.
383
00:26:14,807 --> 00:26:20,344
Oh, now cheer up, buckaroo.
You don't wanna let your dear
sweet mama down, do you?
384
00:26:20,346 --> 00:26:22,746
The worst is over man.
You bombed.
385
00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:24,815
So what, man, happens
to the best of them.
386
00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:28,786
What's that old saying?
At first you don't succeed,
fuck 'em.
387
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,755
I don't know that one.
388
00:26:31,757 --> 00:26:33,157
But you know what, Lenny,
389
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:35,626
you got to get mad.
390
00:26:35,628 --> 00:26:38,362
You gotta get mad, and get
right back out there.
391
00:26:38,364 --> 00:26:40,764
Example. It's like
I'm on the road, right?
392
00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:40,764
Thumb out,
freezing off my cold nuts,
393
00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:46,804
some four-wheel double-engine
douchebag gives me
the "sorry, not today" salute.
394
00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:50,841
You know what I do?
I get mad.
395
00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:52,743
I get mad.
396
00:26:52,745 --> 00:26:52,743
And while I'm waiting for
that next guy to come along,
397
00:26:52,745 --> 00:26:57,948
I think about all the things
I'd do to that first car if
i ever caught up with him.
398
00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:02,653
I go over it and over it
in my mind. Every
teensy-weensy little detail.
399
00:27:02,655 --> 00:27:07,725
The pressure on the ball
of my foot as I grind my boot
into his Adam's apple.
400
00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:11,695
The look in his eyes
as I plunge my thumbs
in his sockets.
401
00:27:11,697 --> 00:27:15,666
The snap, crackle, pop
of his skull as I crack it
open like a cantaloupe
402
00:27:15,668 --> 00:27:17,968
and squeeze the life
out of his temporal lobe,
403
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:21,205
inch by inch by inch.
404
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:26,110
Killing is a sin.
405
00:27:26,112 --> 00:27:29,380
Man, killing a man in
your mind ain't like killing
a man for real, Lenny.
406
00:27:29,382 --> 00:27:30,781
It's like...
407
00:27:32,350 --> 00:27:34,084
It's like therapy.
408
00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:36,820
Trust me, little tune up...
409
00:27:39,224 --> 00:27:40,991
You're gonna be
good as new.
410
00:27:42,894 --> 00:27:45,162
Well, thanks, hitch.
I feel better.
411
00:27:45,164 --> 00:27:46,964
I'm gonna go throw up now.
412
00:28:13,725 --> 00:28:16,694
Yeah.
413
00:28:26,271 --> 00:28:27,871
I hate him.
414
00:28:41,219 --> 00:28:43,320
What are you looking at,
dick head?
415
00:28:47,792 --> 00:28:49,727
Now, that's funny.
416
00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:27,765
Aw, nuts.
417
00:29:28,366 --> 00:29:29,933
What's the problemo?
418
00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:32,069
I got a stupid flat tire.
419
00:29:32,071 --> 00:29:34,505
Oh, I don't know, I'd be
happy to help you, Lenny,
420
00:29:34,507 --> 00:29:36,907
but I ain't supposed to
be out in the sun.
421
00:29:37,242 --> 00:29:39,510
Doctor's orders.
422
00:29:39,512 --> 00:29:43,213
Besides, I should
probably get ready to puke here
in just a minute.
423
00:29:43,215 --> 00:29:45,349
Okay, but don't mess up
my car, okay?
424
00:29:45,351 --> 00:29:47,918
I just had everything taken...
425
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,854
Leonard, don't tell me
the spare is flat too.
426
00:29:52,490 --> 00:29:53,857
Oh, boy.
427
00:29:59,564 --> 00:30:02,900
What the hell did you do,
Lenny? I didn't mean for you
to kill the fucker.
428
00:30:02,902 --> 00:30:05,135
I didn't. I don't...
I don't know. I...
429
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:10,073
He... he came out of the club,
and... and he was urinating
and I was regurgitating and...
430
00:30:10,075 --> 00:30:12,209
-I don't remember!
-Hey!
431
00:30:12,977 --> 00:30:15,012
Piss off! We're closed.
432
00:30:16,047 --> 00:30:19,116
I'm just fixing a flat tire.
I'm leaving right now.
433
00:30:19,118 --> 00:30:20,951
Oh, it's you.
434
00:30:20,953 --> 00:30:22,586
You really sucked last night.
435
00:30:22,588 --> 00:30:25,088
Yes, I know. Thank you!
436
00:30:25,090 --> 00:30:28,125
Oh, hitch,
what am I gonna do?
437
00:30:28,127 --> 00:30:31,161
I don't want to go to prison
and have sex with men.
438
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:32,930
You should have thought
of that before you decided
439
00:30:32,932 --> 00:30:35,399
to play don't break the ice
with his head.
440
00:30:35,401 --> 00:30:38,135
Please, hitch,
you gotta help me.
441
00:30:40,338 --> 00:30:42,906
The things I do for my clients.
442
00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:46,877
Come on.
443
00:33:40,284 --> 00:33:42,586
fucking tragedy,
that's what it is.
444
00:33:43,621 --> 00:33:43,620
I never even ran over a dog.
445
00:33:43,622 --> 00:33:50,093
Putting up another money trap
in the middle of all
this fucking beauty.
446
00:33:50,095 --> 00:33:52,095
Not that I'm a big fan
of desert, mind you.
447
00:33:52,097 --> 00:33:54,431
Too much sun,
and I'm a dead man.
448
00:33:55,233 --> 00:33:58,568
Yep. Might burn like
a Salem witch.
449
00:33:59,771 --> 00:34:01,471
I hate the fuckin' desert.
450
00:34:01,473 --> 00:34:01,471
I killed a person.
451
00:34:01,473 --> 00:34:06,676
Still, it's a shame though,
ripping up a bunch of cactus
for some big neon igloo
452
00:34:06,678 --> 00:34:09,613
filled with free cocktails,
silicon tits.
453
00:34:09,615 --> 00:34:09,613
Chopped him up to pieces...
454
00:34:09,615 --> 00:34:15,519
You know how many lives are
ruined by gambling every year,
statistically speaking?
455
00:34:15,521 --> 00:34:18,488
A fucking lot.
That's how many.
456
00:34:18,490 --> 00:34:23,193
Shits like cholesterol
gets in your arteries,
and you are fucked.
457
00:34:23,195 --> 00:34:25,662
Except of course,
in gambling, you can
still eat bacon.
458
00:34:25,664 --> 00:34:27,564
Aren't you listening?
459
00:34:27,566 --> 00:34:29,399
I killed a person.
460
00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:32,302
I... I killed him, and then
i cut him up...
461
00:34:32,304 --> 00:34:34,704
And then I buried him,
and then I un-buried him...
462
00:34:34,706 --> 00:34:37,574
Now I can't get rid of him
and I don't know what
I'm gonna do.
463
00:34:37,576 --> 00:34:40,777
Well, if you'd stop
thinking about yourself for
a fucking nanosecond,
464
00:34:40,779 --> 00:34:44,314
you'd see that
I'm over here trying to
draw situational analogies
465
00:34:44,316 --> 00:34:47,684
to help you see that you're
not the only guy in the world
with fucking problems.
466
00:34:51,689 --> 00:34:53,290
I'm sorry.
467
00:34:53,292 --> 00:34:53,290
Oh, forget it.
468
00:34:53,292 --> 00:34:58,095
I know you're under a lot of
stress with this recent
dismemberment thing and all.
469
00:34:58,097 --> 00:34:59,629
Oh, hey, what time is it?
470
00:35:01,632 --> 00:35:01,631
Almost 7:00.
471
00:35:01,633 --> 00:35:05,802
Perfect. Gonna be back
just in time for open-mic.
472
00:35:05,804 --> 00:35:05,802
What? No, I can't go there.
473
00:35:05,804 --> 00:35:11,341
Hey, you gotta trust me
now, Lenny. You gotta get
back up on that horse.
474
00:35:11,343 --> 00:35:13,777
No, no, no. We gotta get
out of here. No, I have to
go on the lam.
475
00:35:13,779 --> 00:35:15,712
-The lam?
-Yes. I have to...
476
00:35:15,714 --> 00:35:19,382
Grow a beard, and I have to
drive to Mexico or something.
477
00:35:19,384 --> 00:35:21,418
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Slow down there, Thelma.
478
00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:24,855
You don't understand.
Hitch, I have never
been in trouble.
479
00:35:24,857 --> 00:35:27,157
And now I'm in the worst
kind of trouble ever.
480
00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:28,325
No, you ain't, Lenny.
481
00:35:28,327 --> 00:35:30,227
-Yes, I am, hitch.
-No, you ain't.
482
00:35:30,229 --> 00:35:32,863
-Yes, I am, hitch.
-No, you ain't, Lenny.
483
00:35:36,834 --> 00:35:38,468
Okay.
484
00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:39,536
Now you are.
485
00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:53,617
Here. Let me see. Here.
486
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,654
Act natural.
487
00:36:10,168 --> 00:36:12,202
I know what you're thinking.
488
00:36:12,204 --> 00:36:15,205
Whether you're on 65 or 50,
489
00:36:15,207 --> 00:36:19,576
well, to tell you the truth,
in all of this excitement,
i kinda forgot myself.
490
00:36:19,578 --> 00:36:22,646
So you've got to
ask yourself one thing.
491
00:36:22,648 --> 00:36:24,281
Do you feel lucky?
492
00:36:24,649 --> 00:36:27,450
Well, do ya, punk?
493
00:36:32,623 --> 00:36:34,324
All right.
494
00:36:34,926 --> 00:36:37,928
Out of the car there, pilgrim.
495
00:36:37,930 --> 00:36:40,530
Hands where I can see 'em.
496
00:36:55,279 --> 00:36:57,681
Now I know this might
seem a bit odd, officer,
497
00:36:57,683 --> 00:37:00,984
but the reason my friend
here is such a mess is
we were just--
498
00:37:00,986 --> 00:37:02,619
you talkin' to me?
499
00:37:04,789 --> 00:37:07,791
Well, you must be talkin'
to me. There isn't
anyone else here.
500
00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:11,628
Let's see what's in the trunk.
501
00:37:15,466 --> 00:37:16,600
Go ahead.
502
00:37:16,968 --> 00:37:18,802
Make my afternoon.
503
00:37:20,972 --> 00:37:22,606
Go ahead, Lenny.
504
00:37:23,608 --> 00:37:25,308
Pop the trunk.
505
00:37:32,850 --> 00:37:35,685
Just means we're gonna be
late for your performance.
506
00:37:36,854 --> 00:37:36,853
Performance?
507
00:37:36,855 --> 00:37:40,590
That's right, officer.
My friend here is a performer,
508
00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:42,425
and this is all
part of his routine.
509
00:37:42,427 --> 00:37:45,262
Not that that should excuse us
from breaking the law.
510
00:37:46,998 --> 00:37:46,997
Performers, huh?
511
00:37:46,999 --> 00:37:51,334
Yes, indeed. Now... now,
if I'm not mistaken,
512
00:37:51,336 --> 00:37:56,439
you got a little performer
in you yourself, don't you,
officer, uh, flick, is it?
513
00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:58,408
You noticed, did you?
514
00:37:58,410 --> 00:38:00,644
Hey, you know what,
i got a great idea.
515
00:38:00,646 --> 00:38:04,314
How about you join us
as our guest tonight
at the club?
516
00:38:04,316 --> 00:38:05,715
You see,
we're all true as toast.
517
00:38:05,717 --> 00:38:05,715
Ain't that right, Lenny?
518
00:38:07,885 --> 00:38:10,487
'Course, we are
running a tad late.
519
00:38:28,773 --> 00:38:30,540
Yeah.
520
00:38:30,542 --> 00:38:34,611
Yeah. Don't get me started on
all that glass ceiling shit.
521
00:38:34,613 --> 00:38:38,915
Women. They all wanna talk
about the glass ceiling. Don't
get ahead of yourself, okay?
522
00:38:38,917 --> 00:38:42,052
Let's start small.
Let's talk about the glass
coffee table first.
523
00:38:42,054 --> 00:38:46,823
That's where you're on top
and I'm underneath,
taking pictures.
524
00:38:48,060 --> 00:38:50,593
Oh, you've got
a nice smile there.
525
00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:54,064
Oh, I got a lil' smudge...
526
00:38:58,636 --> 00:38:59,869
Oh, what, too far?
527
00:38:59,871 --> 00:39:02,605
That was too far for you?
Okay, okay.
528
00:39:02,607 --> 00:39:04,974
Hey, just so you ladies
don't think I'm a total cad,
529
00:39:04,976 --> 00:39:07,844
I'm gonna buy one of you
a drink. Which one of you
wants a drink?
530
00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:11,681
Yeah, I'll give you a...
I'll get you a nice
little drink here.
531
00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:12,816
You know.
532
00:39:14,852 --> 00:39:16,886
Oh, yeah.
533
00:39:16,888 --> 00:39:19,756
You want some
of this, baby? Huh?
534
00:39:19,758 --> 00:39:20,924
Oh, yeah.
535
00:39:33,938 --> 00:39:35,805
There you go, darling.
536
00:39:35,807 --> 00:39:37,841
There you go.
Come on.
537
00:39:37,843 --> 00:39:40,510
Bottoms up.
I'm t-bird.
538
00:39:45,950 --> 00:39:48,785
The one and only t-bird.
539
00:39:51,455 --> 00:39:54,090
All right, all right,
all right,
settle the fuck down.
540
00:39:54,092 --> 00:39:58,061
All right, we have
a special guest back
with us for open-mic.
541
00:39:58,063 --> 00:40:02,499
Some of you might
remember his... his
stunning debut last night.
542
00:40:02,501 --> 00:40:05,769
Please welcome to the stage,
for more abuse,
543
00:40:06,804 --> 00:40:08,104
Lenny Freeman.
544
00:40:50,581 --> 00:40:52,982
Um, I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
545
00:41:00,191 --> 00:41:02,058
I just killed a guy.
546
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:07,530
H... he was heckling me.
547
00:41:10,734 --> 00:41:13,803
Then I... I had to learn
the hard way that...
548
00:41:13,805 --> 00:41:17,540
It's pretty difficult
getting rid of a body
these days.
549
00:41:22,079 --> 00:41:26,216
I cut him up into...
Pieces, but...
550
00:41:26,218 --> 00:41:30,119
That's what I had to do
just to get him into
that tiny little hole.
551
00:41:30,121 --> 00:41:33,256
He was much bigger
than I thought.
552
00:41:35,926 --> 00:41:37,227
Maybe it's the...
553
00:41:37,229 --> 00:41:39,162
Today's portion sizes,
i don't know.
554
00:41:44,268 --> 00:41:48,738
You know what...You know what
the hardest part about cutting
someone into pieces is?
555
00:41:49,940 --> 00:41:51,107
It's the bones.
556
00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:02,585
No, really. The bones
were the hardest part.
557
00:42:17,835 --> 00:42:19,035
It's me.
558
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:21,170
You got a lot of nerve.
559
00:42:21,172 --> 00:42:21,170
I can explain, okay?
560
00:42:21,172 --> 00:42:25,241
I take you into my kingdom, and this is how you fucking repay me?
561
00:42:25,243 --> 00:42:28,077
It was a mistake.
I'm gonna pay you back,
every cent.
562
00:42:28,079 --> 00:42:31,047
Goodbye, Stan. We all know how this is gonna end.
563
00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:32,148
Wait. Wait. Hey.
564
00:42:32,150 --> 00:42:33,716
I got something for you.
565
00:42:33,718 --> 00:42:35,952
A live one.
I've been grooming him.
566
00:42:41,625 --> 00:42:44,627
If you're looking for
your friend, he's gone.
567
00:42:45,229 --> 00:42:46,863
Asked me to give you this.
568
00:42:48,132 --> 00:42:51,067
That's some funny stuff
up there tonight, Mr. Freeman.
569
00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:51,067
Uh, yes, thank you.
570
00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:57,974
I always wanted to get up
on stage myself. I just
never had the guts.
571
00:42:57,976 --> 00:43:02,645
I bet you think I'm
some kind of coward
hiding behind this badge.
572
00:43:03,981 --> 00:43:06,950
Well, duty calls.
573
00:43:06,952 --> 00:43:09,752
Some old lady queer
cracked her head at mini-mart.
574
00:43:09,754 --> 00:43:11,788
Found her dead
in the freezer case.
575
00:43:14,725 --> 00:43:16,593
Good luck, Mr. Freeman.
576
00:43:18,662 --> 00:43:20,697
Here's looking at you, kid.
577
00:43:51,895 --> 00:43:54,030
-What are you doing here?
-Put these on.
578
00:43:54,032 --> 00:43:56,899
-Why?
-Why do you think?
To keep a low profile.
579
00:43:59,103 --> 00:44:00,169
There.
580
00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:01,904
-What are you doing?
-Celebrating.
581
00:44:01,906 --> 00:44:04,173
-Pink squirrel?
-No. We've got to
get out of here.
582
00:44:04,175 --> 00:44:07,644
-Are you crazy?
-Of course, I'm crazy.
I just killed a man.
583
00:44:07,646 --> 00:44:09,679
Whoa, slow down there,
gentle John.
584
00:44:09,681 --> 00:44:11,014
I don't know
what's happening to me.
585
00:44:11,016 --> 00:44:13,249
I'll tell you what's
happening to you, Lenny.
586
00:44:13,251 --> 00:44:13,249
You're a hit.
587
00:44:13,251 --> 00:44:18,388
You heard that crowd tonight.
That was a killer set,
my friend.
588
00:44:18,390 --> 00:44:18,388
No pun intended.
589
00:44:18,390 --> 00:44:21,691
Yeah, but I chopped up
a human being.
590
00:44:21,693 --> 00:44:23,760
He wasn't a human being.
He was a biker.
591
00:44:23,762 --> 00:44:23,760
There's a difference.
592
00:44:23,762 --> 00:44:28,197
Man, don't you see what's
going on here? You got
exactly what you wanted.
593
00:44:28,199 --> 00:44:29,666
What'll it be, gentlemen?
594
00:44:29,668 --> 00:44:31,000
Uh, you serve food here?
595
00:44:31,002 --> 00:44:31,000
Depends on what
you consider food.
596
00:44:31,002 --> 00:44:36,272
Uh, let's get a couple
of menus, please, and
another one of these.
597
00:44:36,274 --> 00:44:37,740
Mm-hmm.
598
00:44:38,275 --> 00:44:40,076
I'll put it in a dribble glass.
599
00:44:43,914 --> 00:44:45,915
Hitch, this is not
what I wanted.
600
00:44:45,917 --> 00:44:47,884
You said you wanted
to be famous.
601
00:44:49,053 --> 00:44:50,286
No. I mean...
602
00:44:51,288 --> 00:44:51,287
I mean, yes, I did.
603
00:44:51,289 --> 00:44:56,826
It's just, I don't know
anymore because everything
is just wrong.
604
00:44:56,828 --> 00:45:00,129
Okay. There, there,
let it all out.
605
00:45:01,098 --> 00:45:04,067
You know, I wasn't gonna
tell you this, but...
606
00:45:04,069 --> 00:45:08,071
Now, would it make you feel
any better if I told you
that I killed the guy?
607
00:45:09,173 --> 00:45:10,406
You're just trying to be nice.
608
00:45:10,408 --> 00:45:15,344
No. No. You see,
you passed out, and I...
609
00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:18,881
Well, I kinda bashed
the guy's head in
with a tire-arm.
610
00:45:19,450 --> 00:45:20,717
Needed to be done.
611
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:22,251
Now, come on.
Blow your nose.
612
00:45:22,253 --> 00:45:23,319
There you go.
613
00:45:29,860 --> 00:45:33,463
-You... you killed for real?
-Mm-hmm.
614
00:45:33,465 --> 00:45:35,064
You feel better now?
615
00:45:35,066 --> 00:45:36,833
Oh, wow.
616
00:45:36,835 --> 00:45:39,335
That's great.
That means I'm not a murderer.
617
00:45:42,372 --> 00:45:44,207
Oh, wait a minute.
618
00:45:44,209 --> 00:45:45,908
That makes you a murderer.
619
00:45:46,877 --> 00:45:46,876
Wait a minute.
You're a murderer!
620
00:45:46,878 --> 00:45:50,079
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where do you think
you're going?
621
00:45:50,081 --> 00:45:52,181
I won't tell anyone, hitch.
I swear. I swear.
622
00:45:52,183 --> 00:45:54,417
I mean, if you kill somebody,
you must be having
a good reason.
623
00:45:54,419 --> 00:45:56,285
-Of course, I do.
-So, what's the verdict?
624
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:58,254
Uh, nothing.
625
00:45:58,256 --> 00:45:59,856
Hey, don't I know you?
626
00:45:59,858 --> 00:46:01,290
Could you come back
later, please?
627
00:46:01,292 --> 00:46:02,492
I did it for you, Lenny.
628
00:46:02,494 --> 00:46:04,494
-How about you, Mr. pink?
-Just toast, please.
629
00:46:04,496 --> 00:46:05,862
What do you mean
you did it for me?
630
00:46:05,864 --> 00:46:07,230
You said you wished
he was dead.
631
00:46:07,232 --> 00:46:07,230
We don't serve no "just toast."
632
00:46:07,232 --> 00:46:11,868
If you want just toast,
you have to order just
chicken salad.
633
00:46:11,870 --> 00:46:13,269
But I didn't ask you
to do anything.
634
00:46:13,271 --> 00:46:16,105
-But I don't want
just chicken salad.
-Hitch.
635
00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:18,241
The chicken salad
comes toasted.
I suggest you order.
636
00:46:18,243 --> 00:46:20,977
-Hitch.
-Or the lettuce, tomato,
and mayonnaise.
637
00:46:20,979 --> 00:46:23,446
-Hitch.
-What do I do
with the chicken salad?
638
00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:23,446
I am not a part of this.
639
00:46:23,448 --> 00:46:26,449
Why don't you hold it
between your knees?
640
00:46:26,451 --> 00:46:28,284
I am not a part of any of this.
641
00:46:40,264 --> 00:46:41,264
Now you are.
642
00:46:41,266 --> 00:46:42,465
Come on, get up.
643
00:46:42,467 --> 00:46:42,465
All right!
644
00:46:42,467 --> 00:46:49,005
Now, any of you assholes want
a couple of new assholes
and start making macho.
645
00:46:52,176 --> 00:46:54,143
Thank you, everybody.
You've been a great audience.
646
00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:57,413
Now, please, don't forget
to tip your waitresses.
647
00:47:12,896 --> 00:47:14,230
You feel better now?
648
00:47:17,935 --> 00:47:20,303
Oh, that's real mature.
649
00:47:20,305 --> 00:47:22,071
Do you realize what you did?
650
00:47:22,073 --> 00:47:22,071
Yeah. Killed some
loudmouth waitress.
651
00:47:22,073 --> 00:47:26,442
Maybe she'll think twice about
lipping off in the afterlife.
652
00:47:26,444 --> 00:47:26,442
Everyone saw us.
653
00:47:26,444 --> 00:47:30,580
Which means that everyone is
gonna have a different story.
654
00:47:30,582 --> 00:47:32,215
That's the beauty of crowds.
655
00:47:32,217 --> 00:47:33,916
This is insane!
656
00:47:33,918 --> 00:47:35,484
You gave me no choice.
You were about to run.
657
00:47:35,486 --> 00:47:36,886
I had to think fast.
658
00:47:36,888 --> 00:47:39,488
Now, you're not going anywhere.
659
00:47:39,490 --> 00:47:40,890
Now you're an accomplice.
660
00:47:40,892 --> 00:47:42,525
Oh, no. No, no.
I didn't do anything.
661
00:47:42,527 --> 00:47:45,161
Oh, i didn't do anything.
I didn't do anything.
662
00:47:45,163 --> 00:47:47,430
Man, you are starting to
sound like a broken 8-track.
663
00:47:47,432 --> 00:47:49,565
Don't you remember
our little deal over din-din?
664
00:47:49,567 --> 00:47:53,236
Oh, hitch, I would do anything
if you help me.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
665
00:47:53,238 --> 00:47:55,905
Man, you finally got
what you wanted.
666
00:47:55,907 --> 00:47:57,907
You're a fucking
comic sensation.
667
00:47:57,909 --> 00:48:00,076
You should be happy as
a super model's panty shield.
668
00:48:00,078 --> 00:48:03,312
Do I get so much
as a thank you?
No, I do not.
669
00:48:03,314 --> 00:48:05,281
Thank you? For what?
670
00:48:05,283 --> 00:48:08,351
You have killed a bunch
of innocent people.
671
00:48:08,353 --> 00:48:12,588
No one in this world
is innocent, Lenny,
only uninvolved.
672
00:48:12,590 --> 00:48:15,391
Consider yourself involved.
673
00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:18,327
Now you've finally got
a little inspiration, man.
674
00:48:18,329 --> 00:48:21,130
And it's in that trunk
any time you need it.
675
00:48:21,431 --> 00:48:22,632
Okay.
676
00:48:22,634 --> 00:48:24,367
Okay. Take the car.
677
00:48:24,369 --> 00:48:24,367
You don't need me.
678
00:48:24,369 --> 00:48:28,938
Well, I appreciate the offer,
Lenny, but see, I don't drive.
679
00:48:29,506 --> 00:48:29,505
You're kidding.
680
00:48:29,507 --> 00:48:33,576
You know how many people get
killed behind the wheel of
one of them things every year,
681
00:48:33,578 --> 00:48:35,978
statistically speaking, I mean?
682
00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:38,180
A fucking lot. That's how many.
683
00:48:38,182 --> 00:48:42,652
Nope. I'm afraid there's only
one way out of our contract.
684
00:48:42,654 --> 00:48:44,987
I don't think
you got the acorns.
685
00:48:44,989 --> 00:48:47,356
-Anything. I'll do it.
-Oh yeah?
686
00:48:47,358 --> 00:48:49,091
-Yes.
-Yeah? Okay.
687
00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:53,229
Here. Here you go.
Come on!
688
00:48:53,231 --> 00:48:55,665
Come on, Mr. money-where-
your-mouth-is. Come on.
689
00:48:55,667 --> 00:48:57,433
Yeah, all right, come on.
690
00:48:58,201 --> 00:48:59,568
There you go.
691
00:48:59,570 --> 00:49:01,470
There you go. Do it, Lenny.
692
00:49:01,472 --> 00:49:02,939
Splatter the matter!
693
00:49:02,941 --> 00:49:02,939
Take the desert.
694
00:49:02,941 --> 00:49:06,275
One squeeze, and you're
a free man, Freeman.
695
00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:09,946
Oh, yeah, that feels nice,
don't it, being the one
in control?
696
00:49:09,948 --> 00:49:11,447
Yeah, come on, Lenny, do it.
697
00:49:11,449 --> 00:49:14,283
Do it. You know I ain't right
for this world, Lenny.
698
00:49:14,551 --> 00:49:16,152
Do it.
699
00:49:16,154 --> 00:49:17,386
Do it!
700
00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:26,195
Oh, man.
701
00:49:27,431 --> 00:49:29,031
Got you.
702
00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:31,968
Oh, man.
703
00:49:31,970 --> 00:49:33,502
Now that's funny.
704
00:49:37,708 --> 00:49:39,709
Whether you like it or not,
705
00:49:39,711 --> 00:49:42,011
we're a team, partner,
706
00:49:42,446 --> 00:49:44,413
just like bing and Jerry.
707
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:39,035
Now, remember,
708
00:50:39,037 --> 00:50:43,105
in trying to cut out,
i might have every trooper
within a hundred miles
709
00:50:43,107 --> 00:50:46,575
crawling through that
trunk of yours like gerbils
in an ass convention.
710
00:50:46,577 --> 00:50:48,544
Please don't kill anyone.
711
00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:52,181
Anyway, Lenny, just
to prove to you that
I'm a man of my word,
712
00:50:52,183 --> 00:50:55,051
I'm gonna leave my gun
in the glove compartment.
713
00:50:57,287 --> 00:51:00,289
How do I know
that's the real one?
714
00:51:00,291 --> 00:51:02,658
Well, if you pull the trigger
when it's in your mouth,
715
00:51:02,660 --> 00:51:05,394
and it opens a hole
about yea big,
716
00:51:05,396 --> 00:51:06,595
then you know.
717
00:51:16,540 --> 00:51:18,741
Come on, now.
There you go.
Keep 'em up.
718
00:51:18,743 --> 00:51:21,377
You look to me like someone
who appreciates a good laugh.
719
00:51:21,379 --> 00:51:23,646
Now stop me if you
heard this one before.
720
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,157
Read the...
721
00:51:35,159 --> 00:51:36,258
Never mind. Come on.
722
00:51:36,260 --> 00:51:38,360
Come on. Come on, let's go.
723
00:51:43,800 --> 00:51:45,434
Are you going somewhere?
724
00:51:45,436 --> 00:51:47,103
Was I speeding, officer?
725
00:51:54,277 --> 00:51:55,411
No. No.
726
00:51:57,180 --> 00:51:59,348
-'52?
-'53.
727
00:51:59,716 --> 00:52:01,217
It's nice.
728
00:52:03,253 --> 00:52:05,221
I used to have an oldsmobile.
729
00:52:05,223 --> 00:52:06,856
I remember it had
a lot of trunk space.
730
00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:13,729
Why don't we use
this spare tire in place
of this spare tire,
731
00:52:13,731 --> 00:52:16,298
while we wait for
your friend to get done
with his business?
732
00:52:20,738 --> 00:52:22,638
Sweet mother of--
733
00:52:38,388 --> 00:52:39,655
Now, get up.
734
00:52:40,924 --> 00:52:42,558
It's showtime.
735
00:52:58,508 --> 00:53:00,209
And the...
736
00:53:00,211 --> 00:53:02,545
And then
the next thing I notice,
737
00:53:02,547 --> 00:53:04,513
there's blood everywhere.
738
00:53:06,517 --> 00:53:09,218
I mean... everywhere...
739
00:53:09,220 --> 00:53:11,854
Except inside of him anymore.
740
00:53:15,625 --> 00:53:18,394
Then... to make matters worse,
741
00:53:18,396 --> 00:53:20,629
I'm running out
of clean shirts.
742
00:53:24,601 --> 00:53:28,837
Maybe like if...
If you would eat a lobster
without a bib on...
743
00:53:30,474 --> 00:53:34,543
Except... except
the difference is that...
744
00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:37,379
When you crack open
a lobster, it doesn't...
745
00:53:37,381 --> 00:53:40,282
Scream for its life
and spray blood everywhere.
746
00:53:52,696 --> 00:53:54,697
If it... did...
747
00:53:54,699 --> 00:53:57,299
I think there's be a lot
less seafood restaurants.
748
00:54:01,304 --> 00:54:04,673
Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!
749
00:54:04,675 --> 00:54:07,676
Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!
750
00:54:07,678 --> 00:54:10,646
Lenny! Lenny! Lenny!
751
00:54:31,735 --> 00:54:34,503
Hey, hey, hey.
Where are you going, sunshine?
752
00:54:34,505 --> 00:54:36,005
-I quit.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
753
00:54:36,007 --> 00:54:37,873
Is this any way
to treat your manager?
754
00:54:37,875 --> 00:54:40,476
Okay. You are not my manager.
755
00:54:40,478 --> 00:54:42,911
You are a cold-blooded killer.
That's what you are.
756
00:54:42,913 --> 00:54:46,415
Sticks and stones, Lenny,
sticks and stones.
757
00:54:46,417 --> 00:54:47,483
Hey, man.
758
00:54:47,485 --> 00:54:48,884
Would you sign this for me?
759
00:54:48,886 --> 00:54:51,487
-Huh?
-I mean, you know,
for when you're famous.
760
00:54:51,489 --> 00:54:54,690
How can you
leave all this, Lenny?
761
00:54:54,692 --> 00:54:57,026
Hey, tell you what, Lenny,
I'm gonna take tonight's drama
762
00:54:57,028 --> 00:54:59,428
to get us a nice spread
over at that flea palace
763
00:54:59,430 --> 00:55:02,331
they call "motel
biggest-room-they-got". Huh?
764
00:55:02,333 --> 00:55:03,899
Let you rest up for tomorrow.
765
00:55:03,901 --> 00:55:05,401
No.
766
00:55:06,369 --> 00:55:07,569
No?
767
00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:10,673
What do you mean no?
768
00:55:10,675 --> 00:55:12,908
I am turning myself in.
769
00:55:12,910 --> 00:55:15,077
You are not going
anywhere, asshole.
770
00:55:15,079 --> 00:55:16,445
And you wanna know why?
771
00:55:16,447 --> 00:55:19,014
Because I think you like it.
772
00:55:19,016 --> 00:55:21,917
That's right, Lenny boy,
i saw you up there.
773
00:55:21,919 --> 00:55:23,986
You got a taste now.
774
00:55:23,988 --> 00:55:25,688
It's in your system.
775
00:55:26,790 --> 00:55:30,326
So let's drop this charade.
776
00:55:30,328 --> 00:55:33,629
You couldn't walk away now
even if you tried.
777
00:55:34,664 --> 00:55:37,066
Hey! There he is.
778
00:55:37,068 --> 00:55:39,501
I just got a call
from monte's people.
779
00:55:39,503 --> 00:55:42,071
They're sending someone down
to take a look.
780
00:55:42,073 --> 00:55:44,873
No more open-mic
for you, Freeman.
781
00:55:44,875 --> 00:55:46,775
Bumping you up to headliner.
782
00:55:52,082 --> 00:55:56,352
You still wanna leave,
Mr. headliner?
783
00:55:57,420 --> 00:55:59,521
I didn't think so.
784
00:56:01,891 --> 00:56:05,861
Let me give you a little
piece of advice
my father once gave me.
785
00:56:06,830 --> 00:56:08,564
Son...
786
00:56:08,566 --> 00:56:11,767
You need to go out
and get laid or something.
787
00:56:14,838 --> 00:56:17,439
Think about it.
788
00:56:17,441 --> 00:56:20,642
I'll be back at the motel
when you come to your senses.
789
00:56:39,729 --> 00:56:43,098
You know, I've seen
a man bend a spoon
just by staring at it,
790
00:56:43,100 --> 00:56:45,968
but never a meatloaf.
791
00:56:46,971 --> 00:56:50,939
Oh, hey, you're the guy
that took t-bird's place
at the club.
792
00:56:50,941 --> 00:56:52,574
News travels fast.
793
00:56:52,576 --> 00:56:54,777
I thought you were
heading to Vegas or something.
794
00:56:54,779 --> 00:56:56,478
I was...
795
00:56:56,480 --> 00:56:57,913
I can't go right now.
796
00:56:57,915 --> 00:56:59,581
Doesn't surprise me.
797
00:56:59,583 --> 00:57:01,884
Nobody ever leaves this place.
798
00:57:01,886 --> 00:57:03,118
Are you done with this?
799
00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:03,118
Yeah.
800
00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:08,490
I was just
gonna sit here a while.
Do you mind?
801
00:57:08,492 --> 00:57:08,490
Oh, I don't know.
802
00:57:08,492 --> 00:57:14,830
I mean, as you can see,
we have quite a high demand
for this table tonight.
803
00:57:15,632 --> 00:57:16,732
Oh.
804
00:57:18,802 --> 00:57:20,502
Here you go.
805
00:57:20,504 --> 00:57:22,805
And don't worry about it.
806
00:57:22,807 --> 00:57:23,906
It's on the house.
807
00:57:23,908 --> 00:57:25,040
Thank you.
808
00:57:25,042 --> 00:57:26,708
What happened to your arm?
809
00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:31,046
Oh. Nothing.
810
00:57:31,048 --> 00:57:33,749
You know, I must have like
whacked it on the grill
or something. It...
811
00:57:33,751 --> 00:57:35,918
It gets pretty greasy
back there.
812
00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:35,918
I guess.
813
00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:40,055
Or I'm just... I'm just
plain clumsy.
814
00:57:40,057 --> 00:57:40,055
That's what t-bird says.
815
00:57:40,057 --> 00:57:45,961
When I was a kid,
my dad used to tell everybody
that I was clumsy too.
816
00:57:45,963 --> 00:57:51,467
Except he would tell everybody
that I got whacked by a door,
not a grill.
817
00:57:52,101 --> 00:57:53,569
Oh.
818
00:57:53,571 --> 00:57:56,205
You know, it was funny
because after he died,
819
00:57:56,207 --> 00:57:58,707
I stopped being
so clumsy all the time.
820
00:57:59,709 --> 00:58:01,910
Bet that means
you're pretty happy.
821
00:58:03,012 --> 00:58:04,880
Not really. Uh...
822
00:58:04,882 --> 00:58:09,818
I mean I was glad that
i wasn't, you know,
so "clumsy" anymore, but,
823
00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:11,086
I miss my dad.
824
00:58:12,121 --> 00:58:14,923
Um... you must think
this is strange.
825
00:58:15,124 --> 00:58:16,692
No.
826
00:58:18,561 --> 00:58:20,162
It doesn't sound strange
at all.
827
00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:21,163
Hey, grail.
828
00:58:21,165 --> 00:58:25,968
What the fuck?
I've been waiting outside
for ten minutes.
829
00:58:25,970 --> 00:58:27,803
Let's go.
830
00:58:28,905 --> 00:58:31,139
I'm sorry. I have to go.
831
00:58:31,141 --> 00:58:33,842
It was really nice
talking with you, um...
832
00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:34,810
Lenny.
833
00:58:34,812 --> 00:58:36,578
-Lenny.
-Yeah.
834
00:58:36,580 --> 00:58:38,981
-Grail.
-Oh, that's so pretty.
835
00:58:38,983 --> 00:58:39,982
Irish?
836
00:58:39,984 --> 00:58:41,016
Typo.
837
00:58:43,086 --> 00:58:44,786
Watch out for that grill.
838
00:58:53,596 --> 00:58:55,264
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
839
00:58:55,266 --> 00:58:58,800
Love must be deaf and dumb,
as well as blind.
840
00:58:59,168 --> 00:59:00,669
I guess.
841
00:59:00,671 --> 00:59:02,137
Hey, are you gonna eat that?
842
00:59:02,139 --> 00:59:03,906
Oh, all yours.
843
00:59:05,275 --> 00:59:08,143
What is this stuff?
I'm a strict vegetarian.
844
00:59:08,145 --> 00:59:08,143
Meatloaf.
845
00:59:08,145 --> 00:59:12,114
Oh, well, let's just
eat around the bad parts.
846
00:59:13,182 --> 00:59:15,284
Oh, by the way,
my friends call me tq.
847
00:59:15,286 --> 00:59:17,786
Oh. Lenny. Hi.
848
00:59:19,924 --> 00:59:23,258
Don't worry.
She'll be all right.
849
00:59:23,260 --> 00:59:25,027
Oh, no, I'm not looking at her.
850
00:59:25,029 --> 00:59:25,027
Oh, please, honey,
851
00:59:25,029 --> 00:59:29,164
you lit up like
a plastic snowman when
she was talking to you.
852
00:59:29,166 --> 00:59:32,768
Before that, you were like
some kind of walking
poster child for despair.
853
00:59:32,770 --> 00:59:34,870
I'm sorry. I guess I just
have a lot on my mind.
854
00:59:34,872 --> 00:59:39,007
Well, if there's something
i learned about
this nasty old world,
855
00:59:39,009 --> 00:59:43,579
it's that you do best
by ignoring everything
the mind has to tell you,
856
00:59:43,581 --> 00:59:46,582
and paying a little closer
attention to the heart.
857
00:59:47,584 --> 00:59:49,184
The heart knows what it wants.
858
00:59:50,754 --> 00:59:55,123
Mmm. That man sure does have
a gift for the obvious.
859
00:59:55,125 --> 00:59:57,326
Maybe somebody
should do something.
860
00:59:57,328 --> 00:59:59,127
Maybe someone should.
861
01:00:01,931 --> 01:00:04,066
I told you,
we were just talking.
862
01:00:04,068 --> 01:00:05,200
Just talking?
863
01:00:05,202 --> 01:00:06,868
Yeah. About what?
864
01:00:06,870 --> 01:00:09,805
About how your friend
in there took my spot?
865
01:00:10,273 --> 01:00:12,140
You're drunk.
866
01:00:12,142 --> 01:00:14,209
Don't lie to me, grail.
867
01:00:14,211 --> 01:00:17,012
Get your hands off me, please.
868
01:00:17,014 --> 01:00:18,680
You heard her.
869
01:00:18,682 --> 01:00:20,349
Get your hands off.
870
01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:25,053
Well, if it isn't
the king of comedy.
871
01:00:26,689 --> 01:00:28,724
Look, I don't want
any trouble, okay?
872
01:00:28,726 --> 01:00:30,626
Just... just leave her alone.
873
01:00:32,695 --> 01:00:34,963
This isn't any of
your fucking business.
874
01:00:37,767 --> 01:00:40,035
Maybe I'm making it
my business.
875
01:00:41,404 --> 01:00:44,373
Please, Lenny,
go back inside.
876
01:00:44,375 --> 01:00:47,242
Sorry. I can't do that.
877
01:00:47,244 --> 01:00:51,179
Yeah. Why don't you
enlighten us? Tell us
what you were gonna do.
878
01:00:52,181 --> 01:00:53,782
You really wanna know?
879
01:00:55,118 --> 01:00:58,053
Yeah, gimme the gory details.
880
01:00:58,888 --> 01:01:00,188
Okay, uh...
881
01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:02,057
Now let's see. Um...
882
01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,793
Why don't I, uh...
883
01:01:06,863 --> 01:01:10,832
Why don't I start with
the pressure from
the ball of my foot
884
01:01:10,834 --> 01:01:14,836
as I grind my shoe
down in your Adam's apple?
885
01:01:16,005 --> 01:01:17,673
Or the look in your eyes
886
01:01:17,675 --> 01:01:22,277
as I slowly plunge my thumbs
into your sockets?
887
01:01:22,279 --> 01:01:25,981
Or maybe it'll be the snap,
crackle, pop of your skull
888
01:01:25,983 --> 01:01:28,150
as I crack it open
like a cantaloupe
889
01:01:28,152 --> 01:01:32,020
and I squeeze the life
out of your temporal lobe,
890
01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:35,290
inch by inch by inch.
891
01:01:38,995 --> 01:01:40,896
You're fucking weird.
You know that?
892
01:01:45,935 --> 01:01:47,769
We'll talk about this later.
893
01:01:57,081 --> 01:02:00,182
You know, you ought to
seek some professional help,
you know that?
894
01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:21,903
Go ahead, son.
895
01:02:23,139 --> 01:02:24,473
Go ahead with what?
896
01:02:24,475 --> 01:02:26,241
With your confession.
897
01:02:28,344 --> 01:02:33,982
Sorry, padre,
i just came in here for
some peace and quiet.
898
01:02:33,984 --> 01:02:37,285
Besides, I got
nothing to confess.
899
01:02:37,287 --> 01:02:41,389
"Without confession,
vengeance is mine to repay,"
900
01:02:41,391 --> 01:02:43,258
says the lord.
901
01:02:43,260 --> 01:02:45,260
The hell is that
supposed to mean?
902
01:02:45,262 --> 01:02:48,964
It means
you're not gonna
win here, asshole.
903
01:02:51,801 --> 01:02:56,004
Well, I'd love to
chew the fat with you, father,
but I beg to differ.
904
01:02:56,839 --> 01:02:59,141
Now, if you'll excuse me.
905
01:03:10,187 --> 01:03:14,022
- Yes, yes, Charlie, that's nothing to sing about.
906
01:03:14,024 --> 01:03:15,891
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
907
01:03:15,893 --> 01:03:18,527
A boy your age, with a jail record.
908
01:03:18,529 --> 01:03:21,863
Just call me number 77682.
909
01:03:21,865 --> 01:03:25,066
Let's hope this incident doesn't get into the newspapers.
910
01:03:25,068 --> 01:03:26,802
I don't get it.
911
01:03:26,804 --> 01:03:28,436
You said this guy
is a ventriloquist?
912
01:03:28,438 --> 01:03:30,205
Oh, oh, he was.
He's dead now.
913
01:03:30,207 --> 01:03:30,205
But don't you think
that's a little weird?
914
01:03:30,207 --> 01:03:34,876
I mean, a ventriloquist
on the radio? You can't even
tell if his lips are moving.
915
01:03:34,878 --> 01:03:36,845
That's the beauty of it.
It doesn't matter.
916
01:03:36,847 --> 01:03:39,948
Now, that's when there was
a real art to comedy.
917
01:03:40,416 --> 01:03:41,950
I guess.
918
01:03:48,124 --> 01:03:51,026
I wanna thank you for what
you did back there, Lenny.
919
01:03:51,028 --> 01:03:54,563
Oh, sure, no...
It was no big deal.
920
01:03:54,565 --> 01:03:57,265
You know, he wasn't always
like that, you know.
921
01:03:57,267 --> 01:03:58,567
Hmm.
922
01:03:58,569 --> 01:04:03,104
You kind of remind me of him.
923
01:04:03,106 --> 01:04:06,942
Yeah, he was gonna
tear up the town and
hit straight for the strip.
924
01:04:06,944 --> 01:04:08,844
Now I think he's...
925
01:04:08,846 --> 01:04:10,378
Just afraid to leave.
926
01:04:10,380 --> 01:04:11,980
Yeah, well,
i know that feeling.
927
01:04:11,982 --> 01:04:14,082
You know we had gotten it
all figured out.
928
01:04:14,084 --> 01:04:18,920
He was gonna work at the clubs
and I was gonna deal Blackjack.
929
01:04:18,922 --> 01:04:21,022
Perfect little Vegas couple.
930
01:04:22,458 --> 01:04:24,926
Now when I see
those lights, it's...
931
01:04:24,928 --> 01:04:27,262
It's like a cruel joke.
It's like, just...
932
01:04:27,264 --> 01:04:30,165
Keeping a dog's food
out of reach of its chain.
933
01:04:32,468 --> 01:04:34,603
You know how to deal Blackjack?
934
01:04:34,605 --> 01:04:34,603
Mm-hmm.
935
01:04:34,605 --> 01:04:39,207
Yeah. No, I mean, it's just
like waitressing. You just
have to remember things.
936
01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:43,178
You know, do you want fries
with that, do you wanna
split your eggs.
937
01:04:44,213 --> 01:04:45,614
Mmm.
938
01:04:45,616 --> 01:04:46,948
You wanna play a hand?
939
01:04:46,950 --> 01:04:46,948
I don't have any cards.
940
01:04:46,950 --> 01:04:49,618
That's okay. We can
play with our hands.
941
01:04:49,620 --> 01:04:51,119
All right. Hit me.
942
01:04:51,121 --> 01:04:52,487
Wait, no, I have to deal first.
943
01:04:52,489 --> 01:04:54,356
-Right.
-Here come your cards.
944
01:04:54,358 --> 01:04:56,124
It's a three and an eight.
945
01:04:56,126 --> 01:04:56,124
Dealer shows a four
with one down.
946
01:04:56,126 --> 01:04:59,961
-Hit me.
-No, not so fast,
you gotta put your bet.
947
01:04:59,963 --> 01:05:02,964
Dealer shows a four,
odds are I'm gonna bust,
you got an 11.
948
01:05:02,966 --> 01:05:06,101
You should double down,
odds are you'll draw a ten,
and double your money.
949
01:05:06,103 --> 01:05:08,069
Okay. I am doubling down
in my head.
950
01:05:08,071 --> 01:05:10,405
Here comes your card,
and it's...
951
01:05:10,940 --> 01:05:12,941
Ah, three of clubs.
952
01:05:12,943 --> 01:05:12,941
But you said I was
gonna draw a ten.
953
01:05:12,943 --> 01:05:15,977
No, those are just the odds.
You got a three.
954
01:05:15,979 --> 01:05:17,913
-Oh, can I have another card?
-No. You doubled down.
955
01:05:17,915 --> 01:05:20,482
Well, why don't you
switch it to a ten in
your hands so that I win?
956
01:05:20,484 --> 01:05:23,184
Do you wanna get me fired?
There are cameras
all over this place.
957
01:05:24,654 --> 01:05:27,622
No. You're just gonna
have to live with a three.
958
01:05:27,624 --> 01:05:29,157
Okay. I guess.
959
01:05:29,159 --> 01:05:29,157
My turn.
960
01:05:29,159 --> 01:05:33,228
Dealer draws a four
and a nine, 13.
961
01:05:33,230 --> 01:05:34,596
-Dealer draws again.
-What is it?
962
01:05:34,598 --> 01:05:36,531
-A two.
-Shoot, you win.
963
01:05:36,533 --> 01:05:37,933
Oh wait, no, not so fast.
964
01:05:37,935 --> 01:05:39,668
Dealer must draw
on 16 and below.
965
01:05:39,670 --> 01:05:41,536
House rules.
Says so right on the table.
966
01:05:41,538 --> 01:05:43,238
Didn't you read
the table, Lenny?
967
01:05:44,006 --> 01:05:45,307
Dealer draws...
968
01:05:45,541 --> 01:05:48,510
An Ace, 16.
969
01:05:48,512 --> 01:05:50,378
Oh, come on, come on, come on.
970
01:05:50,380 --> 01:05:53,348
Final draw, and it's a...
971
01:05:53,549 --> 01:05:54,549
Six.
972
01:05:54,551 --> 01:05:55,583
Twenty-two.
973
01:05:55,585 --> 01:05:57,152
-Dealer busts. You win.
-I won!
974
01:05:57,154 --> 01:05:58,954
- You win!
- Oh, my god.
975
01:05:58,956 --> 01:06:00,255
I've never won anything.
976
01:06:00,257 --> 01:06:01,523
Oh, wow!
977
01:06:05,561 --> 01:06:07,295
You're funny, Lenny.
978
01:06:19,442 --> 01:06:22,043
We should go. Right now.
979
01:06:22,045 --> 01:06:22,043
But I thought you said
you couldn't leave.
980
01:06:22,045 --> 01:06:26,581
Forget what I said.
We could go now,
be in Vegas by morning.
981
01:06:26,583 --> 01:06:27,749
You're teasing.
982
01:06:27,751 --> 01:06:27,749
No, no, I'm not.
I'm serious.
983
01:06:27,751 --> 01:06:32,120
Let's do it. I mean,
let's do it now or
maybe it'll be like you said
984
01:06:32,122 --> 01:06:33,488
and we'll never
get out of here.
985
01:06:33,490 --> 01:06:34,589
You know I have to think.
986
01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:34,589
Don't think.
987
01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:34,589
-Oh, no, we should stop.
-Don't stop.
988
01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:39,461
-I bet your car
will never make it.
-I'll make it.
989
01:06:39,463 --> 01:06:42,097
-Is it a '52?
-'53.
990
01:06:42,099 --> 01:06:43,198
Nice.
991
01:06:57,447 --> 01:06:59,414
what am I doing?
I don't even know
what I'm doing.
992
01:06:59,416 --> 01:07:01,216
It's okay. Neither do I.
993
01:07:03,619 --> 01:07:05,487
-Promise me, Lenny.
-I promise.
994
01:07:05,489 --> 01:07:08,390
-You won't just up and leave?
-No. Never.
995
01:07:10,793 --> 01:07:12,494
-Wait, wait, wait.
-What?
996
01:07:12,496 --> 01:07:15,363
I'm gonna turn the heat on.
Your right hand is freezing.
997
01:07:15,365 --> 01:07:16,464
Don't be silly.
998
01:07:30,146 --> 01:07:31,079
What?
999
01:07:31,081 --> 01:07:32,647
I have to leave!
1000
01:07:32,649 --> 01:07:34,516
Get out of my car!
1001
01:07:34,518 --> 01:07:38,319
Get out of my car!
Get out of my car!
Get out of my car!
1002
01:07:44,493 --> 01:07:46,795
You jerk face!
1003
01:07:46,797 --> 01:07:49,197
I thought you were
a nice person.
1004
01:07:49,199 --> 01:07:51,132
I thought you were different.
1005
01:07:51,134 --> 01:07:55,770
But you're not!
You're the opposite, in fact.
You're un-nice.
1006
01:07:55,772 --> 01:07:57,672
That's what you are, Lenny.
1007
01:07:57,674 --> 01:08:00,208
You're an un-nice person.
1008
01:08:01,644 --> 01:08:04,245
And another thing, your car
smells like a dead fish.
1009
01:08:07,851 --> 01:08:09,350
stop the car!
1010
01:08:15,091 --> 01:08:17,325
Touch me,
and you're a dead man.
1011
01:08:49,825 --> 01:08:51,526
How was she, Lenny?
1012
01:08:54,663 --> 01:08:58,266
My slaughter at the club
wasn't enough, now you gotta
take my girl too?
1013
01:08:58,568 --> 01:09:03,705
Maybe you wanna drop by
my house later and take
a crap on a picture of my mom?
1014
01:09:03,707 --> 01:09:03,705
-It's not what you think.
-Mmm?
1015
01:09:03,707 --> 01:09:08,877
I mean, if what
you're thinking is what
i think that you're thinking,
1016
01:09:08,879 --> 01:09:10,445
it's not.
1017
01:09:10,447 --> 01:09:12,881
Were you too rough
with her, Lenny?
1018
01:09:12,883 --> 01:09:15,150
She doesn't like
the rough stuff, does she?
1019
01:09:15,152 --> 01:09:17,552
No, to be honest,
nothing happened.
1020
01:09:17,554 --> 01:09:18,620
Come on.
1021
01:09:19,655 --> 01:09:21,289
You can tell me.
1022
01:09:21,291 --> 01:09:25,293
Give me, as they say,
"all the gory details".
1023
01:09:26,662 --> 01:09:29,364
The touch of her hair as you
ran your fingers through it,
1024
01:09:29,366 --> 01:09:34,269
the... taste of her skin as you
worked your way down her neck,
1025
01:09:35,638 --> 01:09:37,372
maybe the sweet
smell of victory
1026
01:09:37,374 --> 01:09:40,675
as you rolled those panties
off those soft, milky thighs.
1027
01:09:40,677 --> 01:09:42,944
We were just talking, I swear.
1028
01:09:42,946 --> 01:09:45,246
Is that what
you threw in the trunk?
1029
01:09:45,248 --> 01:09:48,516
I bet you got a whole
panty-museum in there.
1030
01:09:48,518 --> 01:09:49,584
What?
1031
01:09:49,586 --> 01:09:51,219
Open the trunk.
1032
01:09:51,221 --> 01:09:52,787
Please, t-bird,
you don't wanna--
1033
01:09:52,789 --> 01:09:55,490
Open the trunk!
1034
01:09:55,492 --> 01:09:57,792
Or I'll pull the 12-Gauge
in that belly on you
1035
01:09:57,794 --> 01:09:59,727
faster than you can
squeal like a pig.
1036
01:10:04,967 --> 01:10:07,402
See, you're gonna
learn the hard way
1037
01:10:08,637 --> 01:10:10,572
nobody abuses my girl...
1038
01:10:12,508 --> 01:10:13,608
Except for me.
1039
01:11:14,937 --> 01:11:16,971
...Boy in jail.
1040
01:11:16,973 --> 01:11:18,806
I said, your money or your life.
1041
01:11:18,808 --> 01:11:20,875
You're the funniestcomedian in the world, George.
1042
01:11:47,002 --> 01:11:48,636
Going somewhere?
1043
01:11:55,978 --> 01:11:57,879
How did I get here?
1044
01:11:57,881 --> 01:11:59,981
We towed your drunk ass in.
1045
01:11:59,983 --> 01:12:02,583
Every cop in town
is looking for you.
1046
01:12:02,585 --> 01:12:03,718
They are?
1047
01:12:04,386 --> 01:12:05,420
Why?
1048
01:12:05,422 --> 01:12:07,422
Maybe they want your autograph.
1049
01:12:10,025 --> 01:12:11,559
Oh...
1050
01:12:16,598 --> 01:12:18,533
Oh, mom.
1051
01:12:18,535 --> 01:12:23,037
I don't know whether
you can hear me or not,
but I am in big trouble.
1052
01:12:23,039 --> 01:12:27,742
It's kinda like the...
Remember that chaplin movie
that we used to watch?
1053
01:12:27,744 --> 01:12:32,480
Remember where every time
he got into trouble, everyone
thought it was funnier?
1054
01:12:33,382 --> 01:12:35,483
Chaplin was a pervert.
1055
01:12:38,087 --> 01:12:39,821
What was that, mother?
1056
01:12:39,823 --> 01:12:41,556
Chaplin was a pervert.
1057
01:12:41,558 --> 01:12:44,625
He stupped every 14-year-old
chippy in Hollywood.
1058
01:12:44,627 --> 01:12:47,562
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I was alone.
1059
01:12:47,564 --> 01:12:50,965
And he knocked up
both of his wives
who weren't even 16.
1060
01:12:50,967 --> 01:12:53,134
That's statutory,
the last time I checked.
1061
01:12:53,136 --> 01:12:56,437
Not to mention,
a crime against god.
1062
01:12:56,439 --> 01:12:57,839
I didn't know that.
1063
01:12:57,841 --> 01:12:59,440
Then read your damn Bible.
1064
01:12:59,442 --> 01:12:59,440
I'm talking about chaplin.
1065
01:12:59,442 --> 01:13:04,779
Well, get your facts straight
before you go off
talking to people in heaven,
1066
01:13:04,781 --> 01:13:07,782
'cause people in heaven,
they know everything,
1067
01:13:07,784 --> 01:13:09,584
specially Jesus.
1068
01:13:09,586 --> 01:13:13,888
And he was also
known for having
an incredibly large penis.
1069
01:13:13,890 --> 01:13:14,956
Jesus?
1070
01:13:14,958 --> 01:13:16,691
Chaplin, you idiot!
1071
01:13:17,126 --> 01:13:19,994
Are you a real priest?
1072
01:13:19,996 --> 01:13:24,966
I used to be,
but the fundamentalists,
they kicked me out.
1073
01:13:24,968 --> 01:13:27,101
They wanted me to work solo.
1074
01:13:27,103 --> 01:13:29,570
So now I take
my mission on the road.
1075
01:13:29,572 --> 01:13:33,074
Churches, nightclubs,
and some days, the holy land.
1076
01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,542
Jerusalem?
1077
01:13:34,544 --> 01:13:34,542
Vegas.
1078
01:13:34,544 --> 01:13:38,946
One of us gets out,
we all get out.
That's the way I see it.
1079
01:13:38,948 --> 01:13:40,948
Just like easter Sunday.
1080
01:13:42,017 --> 01:13:45,486
Father, would you please
hear my confession?
1081
01:13:45,488 --> 01:13:47,922
Sorry. Kitchen's closed.
1082
01:13:49,491 --> 01:13:51,959
Perhaps
i can be of some assistance.
1083
01:13:51,961 --> 01:13:55,930
Oh, great.
Now you've gone and woke up
Mr. bleeding heart.
1084
01:13:56,665 --> 01:13:59,534
What seems to be troubling you?
1085
01:13:59,536 --> 01:14:02,036
-Uh...
-Go ahead, Lenny.
1086
01:14:02,038 --> 01:14:03,805
I'm here to help.
1087
01:14:03,807 --> 01:14:03,805
Uh, well, uh...
1088
01:14:03,807 --> 01:14:10,745
You see, I do have this friend,
and well, he's been doing
some terrible things,
1089
01:14:10,747 --> 01:14:14,182
and part of him knows
that he needs to stop,
but then...
1090
01:14:14,184 --> 01:14:17,185
There's a part of him, well,
that kinda just
doesn't know anymore.
1091
01:14:17,187 --> 01:14:22,056
A wise man once said,
"if your right eye
causes you to sin,
1092
01:14:22,058 --> 01:14:23,791
pluck it out."
1093
01:14:23,793 --> 01:14:26,828
Do you understand
what that means, Lenny?
1094
01:14:26,830 --> 01:14:28,129
I think so.
1095
01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:30,198
Good. Then go in peace.
1096
01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:33,935
And remember, the great one
is always watching.
1097
01:14:33,937 --> 01:14:35,002
God?
1098
01:14:35,004 --> 01:14:36,471
Gleeson.
1099
01:14:39,943 --> 01:14:43,211
Mr.
Freeman, they just told me you were in here.
1100
01:14:43,213 --> 01:14:44,846
Where are we going?
1101
01:14:44,848 --> 01:14:46,581
Interrogation room.
1102
01:14:46,583 --> 01:14:48,516
What's gonna happen to me,
officer flick?
1103
01:14:48,518 --> 01:14:50,651
Depends on
how it goes in there.
1104
01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:51,853
Good luck.
1105
01:15:17,646 --> 01:15:20,581
All right. What's happened?
1106
01:15:21,283 --> 01:15:22,917
Everything?
1107
01:15:24,119 --> 01:15:25,686
Yeah.
1108
01:15:26,822 --> 01:15:27,989
Everything.
1109
01:15:30,592 --> 01:15:32,593
You got two minutes.
1110
01:15:34,763 --> 01:15:36,030
Okay.
1111
01:15:36,965 --> 01:15:38,733
Here goes.
1112
01:15:40,235 --> 01:15:43,304
T all started when
i got off the interstate
1113
01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:45,907
to get some gas
on my way to las Vegas.
1114
01:15:47,609 --> 01:15:49,010
How's it going in there?
1115
01:15:50,212 --> 01:15:51,979
What am I, a lip-reader?
1116
01:15:56,818 --> 01:16:00,288
And then the next thing
i knew, there was blood
everywhere, and...
1117
01:16:00,290 --> 01:16:03,057
And I...
I even had to...
1118
01:16:03,059 --> 01:16:05,560
Scoop up a piece of his brain.
1119
01:16:05,562 --> 01:16:07,595
I mean, I think
it was his brain.
1120
01:16:07,597 --> 01:16:10,565
To be honest, I was never
very good in science.
1121
01:16:21,043 --> 01:16:22,176
Funny.
1122
01:16:25,280 --> 01:16:27,682
Funny stuff.
1123
01:16:30,686 --> 01:16:32,153
You're good, Freeman.
1124
01:16:32,955 --> 01:16:34,722
You're very good.
1125
01:16:37,159 --> 01:16:39,727
The part about
the severed hand...
1126
01:16:40,896 --> 01:16:42,930
Look at me,
I'm busting a gut.
1127
01:16:44,967 --> 01:16:48,202
All right. I'm gonna want to
see your full act tonight.
1128
01:16:48,204 --> 01:16:50,004
Your best material.
1129
01:16:50,305 --> 01:16:52,106
No stops.
1130
01:16:54,776 --> 01:16:58,946
You stick the landing,
we'll put you on live tomorrow.
1131
01:16:58,948 --> 01:17:01,816
Uh... sorry,
i don't understand.
1132
01:17:01,818 --> 01:17:03,351
Comedy.
1133
01:17:03,353 --> 01:17:06,020
It's currency, Freeman.
1134
01:17:06,022 --> 01:17:08,689
Monte said if you were
as good as the steward
tells him,
1135
01:17:08,691 --> 01:17:12,727
for me to get your ass
to Vegas, pronto.
1136
01:17:12,729 --> 01:17:14,895
So you're not
going to arrest me?
1137
01:17:14,897 --> 01:17:19,300
Kid, stop, please, before
i start hemorrhaging with
laughter all right?
1138
01:17:19,302 --> 01:17:21,636
You look for me
after your set tonight.
1139
01:17:21,638 --> 01:17:23,671
I'll have a limo waiting.
1140
01:17:26,241 --> 01:17:28,209
This is your chance, kid.
1141
01:17:29,244 --> 01:17:30,878
Don't blow it.
1142
01:18:01,276 --> 01:18:03,277
If you're looking for your car,
1143
01:18:03,279 --> 01:18:05,179
your manager picked it up.
1144
01:18:06,114 --> 01:18:07,815
My manager?
1145
01:18:12,888 --> 01:18:15,122
Be careful out there.
1146
01:18:15,124 --> 01:18:16,957
They hit a record high today.
1147
01:18:40,015 --> 01:18:41,148
So...
1148
01:18:43,085 --> 01:18:44,752
He's gold.
1149
01:18:45,187 --> 01:18:46,320
What did I tell you?
1150
01:18:46,322 --> 01:18:48,723
So we're square, right?
1151
01:18:50,992 --> 01:18:52,460
Oh, yeah, right.
1152
01:18:52,462 --> 01:18:55,162
All right, there you go.
1153
01:18:55,164 --> 01:18:56,864
It's all there.
1154
01:18:59,434 --> 01:18:59,433
It feels a little light.
1155
01:18:59,435 --> 01:19:03,804
-Yeah, just a little, but
you know, as soon as I get--
-we're done here.
1156
01:19:03,806 --> 01:19:06,474
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I'm gonna get the rest to you,
all right? I promise.
1157
01:19:06,476 --> 01:19:08,042
Tonight.
1158
01:19:08,044 --> 01:19:10,778
You're gonna
get the rest tonight.
1159
01:19:11,880 --> 01:19:13,280
This joker nails it...
1160
01:19:14,282 --> 01:19:16,050
Everything's forgiven.
1161
01:19:17,352 --> 01:19:19,120
But if not...
1162
01:20:09,571 --> 01:20:11,105
Hello, hitch.
1163
01:20:13,975 --> 01:20:19,013
Well, well, well,
the prodigal son has returned.
1164
01:20:19,015 --> 01:20:22,149
Fucking ac's busted.
Can you believe it?
1165
01:20:22,151 --> 01:20:24,819
Hotter than a fat lady's
armpit in there.
1166
01:20:25,587 --> 01:20:27,855
You took my car.
1167
01:20:27,857 --> 01:20:32,226
Well, I didn't think
you wanted all that beef
cooking in the pd parking lot.
1168
01:20:32,228 --> 01:20:34,995
You see, that's what
managers do. You know,
we manage things.
1169
01:20:34,997 --> 01:20:37,832
Things like auditions
for the monte guy show.
1170
01:20:37,834 --> 01:20:37,832
You're welcome.
1171
01:20:37,834 --> 01:20:42,169
I'm sorry, hitch.
I know that I've been
acting selfish, and...
1172
01:20:42,171 --> 01:20:44,104
Well, you've been right
all along.
1173
01:20:45,240 --> 01:20:45,239
A little late for that.
1174
01:20:45,241 --> 01:20:50,377
No, from now, we're gonna
do it your way. Everything.
Whatever you need.
1175
01:20:51,613 --> 01:20:54,982
All right. Now I need about
ten more mini-marts.
1176
01:20:55,350 --> 01:20:57,017
I got a better idea.
1177
01:20:57,019 --> 01:21:00,521
You? You got a better idea?
1178
01:21:00,523 --> 01:21:03,157
It's a good one.
Easy money.
1179
01:21:05,427 --> 01:21:08,195
Oh, yeah?
How easy?
1180
01:21:23,645 --> 01:21:25,412
How much further?
1181
01:21:25,414 --> 01:21:25,412
Almost there.
1182
01:21:25,414 --> 01:21:30,484
It better not be another one
of them hindu hamlets.
We gotta start thinking bigger.
1183
01:21:30,486 --> 01:21:32,286
Can you not do that, please?
1184
01:21:41,930 --> 01:21:43,898
You know what,
i read about this guy once,
1185
01:21:43,900 --> 01:21:47,968
stood outside one of them
drive-through bank machines
wearing a suit.
1186
01:21:47,970 --> 01:21:49,270
What kind of suit?
1187
01:21:50,205 --> 01:21:52,506
It doesn't matter.
A suit-suit.
1188
01:21:52,508 --> 01:21:52,506
Said he worked for the bank,
1189
01:21:52,508 --> 01:21:58,646
and that the atm was out
of order and he was there
to run people's cards for 'em.
1190
01:21:58,648 --> 01:21:58,646
So...
1191
01:21:58,648 --> 01:22:04,218
So these morons,
they'd hand over their card
and their password,
1192
01:22:04,220 --> 01:22:07,421
suit guy would take it inside,
take out 500 big ones,
1193
01:22:07,423 --> 01:22:12,960
and come back with the,
you know, measly 40 or 50 clams
that they asked for.
1194
01:22:12,962 --> 01:22:15,596
Simple as that.
No one gets hurt.
1195
01:22:15,598 --> 01:22:17,064
Smart.
1196
01:22:17,066 --> 01:22:18,565
Yeah, fucking right, smart.
1197
01:22:18,567 --> 01:22:18,565
Not to mention that unlike us,
1198
01:22:18,567 --> 01:22:18,565
he didn't have to have
his pants taken in
at the end of the day
1199
01:22:18,567 --> 01:22:25,372
'cause he literally
sweated his ass off!
I'm dying here, man!
1200
01:22:25,374 --> 01:22:27,141
Where the fuck are we?
1201
01:22:28,944 --> 01:22:30,377
We're here.
1202
01:22:30,379 --> 01:22:31,545
Here? Here, where?
1203
01:22:31,547 --> 01:22:34,081
There ain't nothing here,
Lenny. Come on.
1204
01:22:34,649 --> 01:22:36,083
Our contract.
1205
01:22:45,427 --> 01:22:47,561
You're a dead man, Lenny!
1206
01:22:48,997 --> 01:22:52,266
Come back here so
i can fucking kill you!
1207
01:22:58,707 --> 01:23:00,474
Fuck!
1208
01:23:12,754 --> 01:23:16,690
"Dear grail, I'm sorry about last night.
1209
01:23:16,692 --> 01:23:19,059
I haven't been myself lately.
1210
01:23:19,061 --> 01:23:22,196
But today, all that changed.
1211
01:23:22,198 --> 01:23:24,331
Today, I have been given another chance,
1212
01:23:24,333 --> 01:23:27,334
and I know exactly what I have to do.
1213
01:23:27,336 --> 01:23:29,003
It's like tq says,
1214
01:23:29,005 --> 01:23:31,338
'the heart knows what it wants.'
1215
01:23:31,340 --> 01:23:33,140
and right now, my heart's telling me
1216
01:23:33,142 --> 01:23:36,176
that it is not as important for me to be famous
1217
01:23:36,178 --> 01:23:40,481
as it is for you to give me a second chance...
1218
01:23:40,483 --> 01:23:44,752
Because tonight, I'm going backto being the old me.
1219
01:23:44,754 --> 01:23:48,655
Please forgive me, and meet me at the motel after the show.
1220
01:23:48,657 --> 01:23:51,291
I'll be waiting with a big surprise.
1221
01:23:51,593 --> 01:23:53,494
Lenny.
1222
01:23:53,496 --> 01:23:56,764
P.S. You were right.
1223
01:23:56,766 --> 01:23:59,266
I don't think my car's gonna make it."
1224
01:24:31,666 --> 01:24:33,100
Funny.
1225
01:25:00,863 --> 01:25:04,765
Two minutes go by, I'm still
in the parking lot, high.
1226
01:25:04,767 --> 01:25:06,500
I still can't move.
1227
01:25:09,704 --> 01:25:09,703
Oh, there he is.
1228
01:25:09,705 --> 01:25:15,309
Hey, listen, t-bird didn't
show up. You're gonna
have to go up early.
1229
01:25:15,743 --> 01:25:15,742
You need some time to, uh,
1230
01:25:15,744 --> 01:25:20,314
mess yourself up,
throw some blood in
your shirt or something?
1231
01:25:20,316 --> 01:25:23,584
No, I'm gonna try
some new material tonight.
1232
01:25:23,586 --> 01:25:24,785
What, are you nuts?
1233
01:25:24,787 --> 01:25:26,887
Monte's right-hand man
is out there.
1234
01:25:26,889 --> 01:25:29,323
I know a thing or two
about right hands.
1235
01:25:29,325 --> 01:25:32,359
Look, this is no time to
screw with the formula.
1236
01:25:32,361 --> 01:25:36,463
Nobody wants to see
the Jerry who runs around
talking to crippled kids.
1237
01:25:36,465 --> 01:25:40,734
They all want to see the Jerry
who runs around going "buddy!"
1238
01:25:40,736 --> 01:25:42,703
You take my word for it.
1239
01:25:44,373 --> 01:25:45,506
You're up.
1240
01:25:45,508 --> 01:25:47,508
You remember
what I'm telling you.
1241
01:25:47,510 --> 01:25:48,709
"Buddy!"
1242
01:25:48,711 --> 01:25:50,310
You think about it.
1243
01:26:00,855 --> 01:26:04,858
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
he's back tonight for
one last appearance.
1244
01:26:04,860 --> 01:26:09,463
Please welcome back
to the stage, the king
of carnage himself,
1245
01:26:09,465 --> 01:26:13,500
Lenny Freeman!
1246
01:26:20,375 --> 01:26:22,309
This is your chance, kid.
1247
01:26:22,311 --> 01:26:24,611
Now you've finally gota little inspiration, man.
1248
01:26:24,613 --> 01:26:26,780
I have dreamed about this my whole life.
1249
01:26:26,782 --> 01:26:26,780
You famous?
1250
01:26:26,782 --> 01:26:30,484
If your right eye causes you to sin...
1251
01:26:30,486 --> 01:26:32,653
It's in that trunk any time you need it.
1252
01:26:32,655 --> 01:26:32,653
Pluck it out.
1253
01:26:32,655 --> 01:26:32,653
I was just starting to like your friend.
1254
01:26:32,655 --> 01:26:37,424
One of us gets out, we all get out.
1255
01:26:37,426 --> 01:26:39,426
Back to being the old me.
1256
01:26:39,428 --> 01:26:40,894
This is your chance, kid.
1257
01:26:40,896 --> 01:26:42,596
Or ten, partner.
1258
01:26:42,598 --> 01:26:44,598
Don't blow it.
1259
01:26:45,901 --> 01:26:48,502
Thank you
thank you very much.
1260
01:26:48,504 --> 01:26:51,772
Wow. Wow, let me take
a look at this crowd.
1261
01:26:51,774 --> 01:26:53,774
Holy cow, look at these faces.
1262
01:26:53,776 --> 01:26:57,511
Well, I haven't seen
happier faces at easter island.
1263
01:26:59,782 --> 01:27:02,349
Uh, hey, how about
lamb bone, huh?
1264
01:27:02,351 --> 01:27:04,318
What a great place.
You know, it's
the kind of place
1265
01:27:04,320 --> 01:27:06,453
you really feel like
you could settle down.
1266
01:27:06,455 --> 01:27:09,690
You know, my father,
when he did did settle,
1267
01:27:09,692 --> 01:27:11,658
he paid off his bar tab.
1268
01:27:13,562 --> 01:27:14,628
Uh...
1269
01:27:15,630 --> 01:27:17,264
The, um...
1270
01:27:18,933 --> 01:27:22,803
There's a lot of people that
will tell you that marriage...
1271
01:27:22,805 --> 01:27:25,005
Marriage is
the highway to heaven.
1272
01:27:25,007 --> 01:27:28,375
Well, I guess I am
on the detour.
1273
01:27:51,599 --> 01:27:52,699
Uh...
1274
01:27:56,337 --> 01:27:57,671
I'll be right back.
1275
01:28:00,742 --> 01:28:01,708
Lenny!
1276
01:28:01,710 --> 01:28:02,676
Hey!
1277
01:28:40,048 --> 01:28:42,316
What do you want me
to do with this?
1278
01:28:42,318 --> 01:28:42,316
What's that, doll?
1279
01:28:42,318 --> 01:28:45,385
It's that joker's
personal shit he'd forgotten.
1280
01:28:45,387 --> 01:28:47,354
Oh. Just leave it
on my desk.
1281
01:28:47,655 --> 01:28:49,489
You are my hero.
1282
01:29:09,677 --> 01:29:10,811
Hitch?
1283
01:29:20,054 --> 01:29:21,688
Hitch?
1284
01:29:21,690 --> 01:29:22,923
Hello, Lenny.
1285
01:29:30,431 --> 01:29:32,466
We've been waiting for you.
1286
01:29:34,068 --> 01:29:36,737
How did you
get back so quick?
1287
01:29:36,739 --> 01:29:39,506
Mmm. You forget, Lenny.
1288
01:29:39,874 --> 01:29:41,975
Always another way.
1289
01:29:43,478 --> 01:29:45,412
I had to do a bit of
walking in the heat
1290
01:29:45,414 --> 01:29:47,848
before a sweet young thing
agreed to pick me up,
1291
01:29:47,850 --> 01:29:49,116
ain't that right, darling?
1292
01:29:53,521 --> 01:29:57,657
Unfortunately, she came
down with a terrible case
of whiplash.
1293
01:29:58,025 --> 01:29:59,526
I can explain.
1294
01:29:59,528 --> 01:30:01,428
Let's explain, Lenny.
1295
01:30:01,430 --> 01:30:04,030
You left me for dead
in a 150-degree heat
1296
01:30:04,032 --> 01:30:06,533
with no water,
bend us away.
1297
01:30:07,735 --> 01:30:09,603
Very sporting of you.
1298
01:30:09,605 --> 01:30:12,472
I just wanted to go back
to the way it was.
1299
01:30:12,474 --> 01:30:16,510
Well, too fucking late.
1300
01:30:16,512 --> 01:30:20,714
You can't go back.
You can never go back.
1301
01:30:21,516 --> 01:30:23,683
We have a contract.
1302
01:30:23,951 --> 01:30:23,950
Yeah.
1303
01:30:23,952 --> 01:30:27,020
Well, I'm breaking
that contract, okay?
1304
01:30:27,022 --> 01:30:29,556
You hear me? I just...
1305
01:30:29,558 --> 01:30:31,958
I don't wanna
be famous anymore.
1306
01:30:32,894 --> 01:30:34,895
Is that so?
1307
01:30:34,897 --> 01:30:37,464
Then why'd you go
peeking in the trunk?
1308
01:30:38,633 --> 01:30:38,632
What?
1309
01:30:38,634 --> 01:30:41,501
Why'd you stick
your fat nose in the trunk?
1310
01:30:41,503 --> 01:30:44,571
You just wanted to make sure
everyone was comfortable?
1311
01:30:44,573 --> 01:30:46,840
Or were you
looking for a little...
1312
01:30:47,775 --> 01:30:49,443
Inspiration?
1313
01:30:49,777 --> 01:30:51,111
No.
1314
01:30:51,113 --> 01:30:53,513
No, I... you...
1315
01:30:53,515 --> 01:30:55,715
Just stop it.
You're trying to confuse me.
1316
01:30:55,717 --> 01:30:55,715
Oh, that's it.
1317
01:30:55,717 --> 01:31:00,020
That's it, hitch.
If you want me to stop,
you're gonna have to kill me,
1318
01:31:00,022 --> 01:31:02,823
because I just
don't care anymore.
1319
01:31:02,825 --> 01:31:06,760
Okay, okay, okay,
you know what, Lenny?
You win.
1320
01:31:06,762 --> 01:31:09,863
Guess I know
when I've been beat.
1321
01:31:15,236 --> 01:31:18,872
But, before you go...
1322
01:31:20,775 --> 01:31:23,477
There's a little something
i wanna show you.
1323
01:31:27,548 --> 01:31:29,216
Came by earlier,
looking for you.
1324
01:31:29,218 --> 01:31:31,017
I told her,
make herself comfortable.
1325
01:31:31,019 --> 01:31:34,087
Now I suggest that
you do the same.
1326
01:31:34,089 --> 01:31:34,087
No, no, no.
1327
01:31:34,089 --> 01:31:37,090
No, no. This has nothing
to do with her.
1328
01:31:37,092 --> 01:31:38,792
Oh, but you're wrong, Lenny.
1329
01:31:38,794 --> 01:31:41,495
This has everything
to do with her.
1330
01:31:47,702 --> 01:31:48,869
Sit.
1331
01:32:15,263 --> 01:32:18,131
Ever hear of a guy
named fatty arbuckle?
1332
01:32:19,700 --> 01:32:19,699
No?
1333
01:32:19,701 --> 01:32:23,136
I thought you was
a comedy expert.
1334
01:32:23,138 --> 01:32:27,541
Well, fatty was
a big time joker
much like yourself,
1335
01:32:27,543 --> 01:32:29,276
except he worked in
the silent pictures,
1336
01:32:29,278 --> 01:32:32,312
had a big studio deal in
the early 1900s.
1337
01:32:32,314 --> 01:32:34,648
Women loved him,
kids loved him.
1338
01:32:34,650 --> 01:32:38,051
He had everything
fame had to offer.
1339
01:32:38,853 --> 01:32:38,852
Until one day,
1340
01:32:38,854 --> 01:32:45,292
during a three-day moonshine
free-for-all at a day city
hotel up in San Francisco,
1341
01:32:45,294 --> 01:32:52,232
he takes this pretty young
flapping thing behind closed
doors and, how do you say...
1342
01:32:52,234 --> 01:32:56,169
Does her with
a champagne bottle.
1343
01:32:56,171 --> 01:32:58,838
At least that's what
the coroner report
said it was.
1344
01:32:58,840 --> 01:33:01,241
Of course, no one knows
for sure 'cause the poor girl
bled to death
1345
01:33:01,243 --> 01:33:05,178
and everyone else was too drunk
to see straight, let alone
hear the screaming...
1346
01:33:07,583 --> 01:33:11,585
Over and over.
1347
01:33:12,053 --> 01:33:13,987
Screaming for help.
1348
01:33:15,089 --> 01:33:16,289
So what happens, you ask?
1349
01:33:16,291 --> 01:33:20,860
Well, the courts,
in their infinite wisdom,
1350
01:33:20,862 --> 01:33:23,797
chose to clear fatty
of all charges.
1351
01:33:23,799 --> 01:33:27,000
Sent him home,
an innocent man.
1352
01:33:28,169 --> 01:33:29,703
But the people...
1353
01:33:30,304 --> 01:33:32,305
Well, the people knew.
1354
01:33:32,307 --> 01:33:32,305
They all knew.
1355
01:33:32,307 --> 01:33:37,277
And as much as fatty
tried to get back
into their good graces,
1356
01:33:37,279 --> 01:33:39,679
there just was no going back.
1357
01:33:40,348 --> 01:33:43,350
His career was dead,
1358
01:33:43,352 --> 01:33:46,786
his life, essentially over.
1359
01:33:47,955 --> 01:33:54,160
All because of one
teensy-weensy fatal
little decision.
1360
01:33:56,063 --> 01:33:57,897
So you see, Lenny...
1361
01:33:58,833 --> 01:34:02,068
We can regret our choices
all we want,
1362
01:34:03,337 --> 01:34:06,906
but someone's still gotta
pay the consequences.
1363
01:34:08,242 --> 01:34:10,043
Champagne, anyone?
1364
01:34:10,045 --> 01:34:12,979
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
1365
01:34:12,981 --> 01:34:16,082
Riding cowboy,
right, Lenny?
1366
01:34:16,084 --> 01:34:17,851
Please. Please. I'll do
whatever you say.
1367
01:34:17,853 --> 01:34:20,253
Oh, you're gonna do
whatever I say,
'cause from now on,
1368
01:34:20,255 --> 01:34:24,691
you'll understand exactly
what I mean by consequences.
1369
01:34:24,693 --> 01:34:26,893
-Hitch.
-Nothing personal,
cream cheese.
1370
01:34:26,895 --> 01:34:29,329
-Please.
-Here's to commitment.
1371
01:35:04,699 --> 01:35:07,000
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
1372
01:35:07,002 --> 01:35:09,335
I'm so sorry.
Oh, god, I'm so sorry.
1373
01:35:09,337 --> 01:35:11,938
I'm so sorry.
Oh, god, I'm so sorry.
1374
01:35:11,940 --> 01:35:13,039
Oh, god.
1375
01:35:13,041 --> 01:35:14,307
Help!
1376
01:35:14,309 --> 01:35:15,442
Shh. No, no, no.
1377
01:35:15,444 --> 01:35:16,810
Please, help!
1378
01:35:16,812 --> 01:35:16,810
-Let me explain.
-Help!
1379
01:35:16,812 --> 01:35:19,379
-Help!
-I could explain. No, no, no.
1380
01:35:19,381 --> 01:35:21,181
I can-- ow!
No, no, no.
1381
01:35:21,183 --> 01:35:22,449
Help! Help!
1382
01:35:22,451 --> 01:35:24,451
-Grail, don't.
-Someone!
1383
01:35:24,453 --> 01:35:26,086
-Help!
-No, no.
1384
01:35:26,088 --> 01:35:27,053
Help!
1385
01:35:27,055 --> 01:35:27,053
No, grail, no, no, no.
1386
01:35:27,055 --> 01:35:29,989
- I don't think
you're listening.
1387
01:35:29,991 --> 01:35:31,791
We could be together now, okay?
1388
01:35:31,793 --> 01:35:31,791
Listen to me.
No, listen.
1389
01:35:31,793 --> 01:35:35,228
Listen, we could go away
like we talked about, okay?
1390
01:35:35,230 --> 01:35:39,065
And... and you could
deal Blackjack, and um, well,
i could be in monte guy.
1391
01:35:39,067 --> 01:35:42,368
We're gonna be so happy,
grail, because...
1392
01:35:42,370 --> 01:35:44,804
Because I love you so much.
1393
01:35:47,308 --> 01:35:49,743
You're supposed to love me too.
1394
01:35:58,953 --> 01:36:01,121
I do love you, Lenny.
1395
01:36:06,427 --> 01:36:07,994
You do?
1396
01:36:25,079 --> 01:36:26,946
I brought someone
to see you, Lenny.
1397
01:36:29,383 --> 01:36:31,117
Funny stuff, kid.
1398
01:36:31,119 --> 01:36:34,087
You're gonna wanna
stick with the sick stuff
for monte though,
1399
01:36:34,089 --> 01:36:37,557
'cause that performance
art shit goes
right over his head.
1400
01:36:37,559 --> 01:36:40,160
So I'm still going to Vegas?
1401
01:36:40,162 --> 01:36:42,328
As soon as you get
your ass in the car.
1402
01:37:23,438 --> 01:37:28,541
And now, please give a warm las Vegas welcome
1403
01:37:28,543 --> 01:37:31,578
to Mr. Lenny Freeman.
1404
01:37:37,084 --> 01:37:38,618
Oh, thank you.
1405
01:37:40,188 --> 01:37:42,055
We serve that
with a heart attack.
1406
01:37:42,057 --> 01:37:44,424
Would you like it for here,
or to go?
1407
01:37:46,494 --> 01:37:49,429
Lenny Freeman,
ladies and gentlemen.
1408
01:37:49,431 --> 01:37:52,198
Hey, what's this I hear,
that you just
got married today?
1409
01:37:52,200 --> 01:37:52,999
Yes, I did.
1410
01:37:53,001 --> 01:37:54,334
Let's bring her out.
1411
01:37:55,337 --> 01:37:56,402
Oh!
1412
01:37:58,606 --> 01:38:00,874
My father's idea of settling
1413
01:38:00,876 --> 01:38:02,508
was paying off his bar tab.
1414
01:38:05,980 --> 01:38:08,615
Before we go, I have
another surprise for you.
1415
01:38:08,617 --> 01:38:10,550
All the way from lamb bone,
1416
01:38:10,552 --> 01:38:14,053
let's hear it
for officer ray flick.
1417
01:38:24,498 --> 01:38:26,132
You gotta admit,
1418
01:38:26,533 --> 01:38:27,967
that's funny.
1419
01:38:36,911 --> 01:38:38,478
Welcome home, partner.
107979
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