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1
00:00:09,068 --> 00:00:11,068
Ordinarily,
I'm a rule follower,
2
00:00:11,103 --> 00:00:12,369
But when someone tells me
3
00:00:12,404 --> 00:00:14,338
I can't bring my own snacks
into their stadium,
4
00:00:14,372 --> 00:00:17,996
That's when I get a little nuts.
[ plastic crinkles ]
5
00:00:18,030 --> 00:00:19,618
It's a free country, right?
6
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:22,224
Let's just say it ruffles me...
[ plastic crinkles ]
7
00:00:22,258 --> 00:00:23,889
...When some goobers...
[ plastic crinkles ]
8
00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:26,816
...Tell me I have to spend half my payday...
[ plastic crinkles ]
9
00:00:26,850 --> 00:00:30,313
...On their hot dogs.
[ plastic crinkles ]
10
00:00:31,313 --> 00:00:33,077
Please, just remember
the family portrait.
11
00:00:33,112 --> 00:00:34,942
We only have the photographer
for an hour.
12
00:00:34,976 --> 00:00:36,242
Okay.
Okay?
13
00:00:36,277 --> 00:00:37,611
And, sweetie,
did you have a chance
14
00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:39,379
To try on the white pants
I put in your closet?
15
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,247
Oh, what do they look like?
16
00:00:41,281 --> 00:00:44,555
Is there really a more clear way
to describe white pants?
17
00:00:44,590 --> 00:00:46,292
Sweetie, if they don't fit you,
18
00:00:46,327 --> 00:00:48,395
You're gonna be the only one
not wearing white,
19
00:00:48,429 --> 00:00:50,731
And then you're gonna stand out
like "where's Waldo?"
20
00:00:50,765 --> 00:00:52,699
Actually, "where's Waldo?"
doesn't stand out.
21
00:00:52,733 --> 00:00:54,767
He's super hard to find.
That's the challenge.
22
00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:57,804
This portrait is incredibly important to me.
Also, his name is just Waldo. Sorry.
23
00:00:57,839 --> 00:01:01,140
I spent weeks trying to find
a time that works for everybody
24
00:01:01,174 --> 00:01:02,507
And finding
the right photographer.
25
00:01:02,542 --> 00:01:03,742
So if you could just promise me
26
00:01:03,776 --> 00:01:05,843
That you'll cooperate, okay?
27
00:01:05,877 --> 00:01:07,277
I promise.
Okay.
28
00:01:07,311 --> 00:01:08,978
This is amazing
that you're doing this.
29
00:01:09,012 --> 00:01:10,078
Mm, thank you.
30
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:11,112
You're wonderful.
31
00:01:11,146 --> 00:01:12,146
Thank you.
32
00:01:12,181 --> 00:01:13,182
Get in here.
Okay.
33
00:01:13,216 --> 00:01:14,384
[ plastic crinkles ]
oh, no can do.
34
00:01:14,418 --> 00:01:15,986
Oh. Oh.
I love you.
35
00:01:16,020 --> 00:01:17,320
[ smooches ] bye.
36
00:01:17,355 --> 00:01:19,689
[ birds chirping ]
37
00:01:19,723 --> 00:01:21,657
Where's my good underwear?
38
00:01:21,692 --> 00:01:22,791
The question is,
39
00:01:22,826 --> 00:01:25,459
Why isn't all
your underwear good, Jay?
40
00:01:25,493 --> 00:01:26,959
You make a nice living!
41
00:01:26,994 --> 00:01:29,327
The new maid keeps mixing up
my underwear with Manny's.
42
00:01:29,362 --> 00:01:30,962
Put on the first thing
I grabbed --
43
00:01:30,996 --> 00:01:32,463
It was like
a crotch tourniquet.
44
00:01:32,497 --> 00:01:34,432
You got to talk to her.
Why me?
45
00:01:34,467 --> 00:01:37,301
Hola. You both speak
the same language.
46
00:01:37,336 --> 00:01:38,302
She's Portuguese.
47
00:01:38,336 --> 00:01:39,969
Do you know how offensive it is
48
00:01:40,004 --> 00:01:42,938
That you put all of us in the same mixing pot?
[ doorbell rings ]
49
00:01:42,973 --> 00:01:44,072
I'm sorry.
Please apologize to her
50
00:01:44,107 --> 00:01:45,507
When you tell her
not to put my underwear --
51
00:01:45,541 --> 00:01:47,308
I can't talk to her!
52
00:01:47,343 --> 00:01:49,409
Hey, guys.
53
00:01:49,444 --> 00:01:50,577
Hey!
Hey!
54
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:51,611
Where's Luke?
55
00:01:51,646 --> 00:01:52,979
I'm going instead.
56
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:55,314
Luke suddenly remembered
a school project due tomorrow.
57
00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,382
Oh, that's tough.
58
00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:57,683
But it's a good lesson
for the kid.
59
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,785
You know, you ma a commitment,
you got to follow through.
60
00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,854
Yeah.
What is the project?
61
00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:04,456
Uh, he has to interview somebody
who lived through the 1960s.
62
00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:05,623
[ sighing ] oh, no.
63
00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:07,625
[ cellphone rings, beeps ]
64
00:02:07,659 --> 00:02:09,259
Hello.
65
00:02:09,293 --> 00:02:11,060
Yeah, Luke.
66
00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:13,462
Oh, sure,
I remember what I said.
67
00:02:13,496 --> 00:02:14,863
Yeah, come on over.
68
00:02:14,897 --> 00:02:16,297
All right.
69
00:02:16,331 --> 00:02:18,298
Gloria, you're gonna have
to take Manny to the game.
70
00:02:18,332 --> 00:02:20,733
Yay. Manny, vamos!
71
00:02:20,768 --> 00:02:22,335
I'm still getting dressed!
72
00:02:22,369 --> 00:02:25,304
Hey, mom!
I think my diet's working!
73
00:02:25,338 --> 00:02:26,672
My underwear won't stay up!
74
00:02:26,706 --> 00:02:27,906
[ chuckles ]
75
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:41,819
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
76
00:02:43,921 --> 00:02:45,955
Oh, so delicious.
77
00:02:45,990 --> 00:02:47,357
Yes.
78
00:02:47,391 --> 00:02:49,992
Hey, you're okay with me not
going with you today, right?
79
00:02:50,027 --> 00:02:53,662
I have been hired to sing
at a wedding this weekend.
80
00:02:53,697 --> 00:02:58,098
I was plucked from obscurity
after a particularly stirring
81
00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,833
[chuckling]
karaoke performance.
82
00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:01,901
So I guess you could say
I'm a professional singer now.
83
00:03:01,936 --> 00:03:03,069
I don't know.
84
00:03:03,103 --> 00:03:05,804
Well, they're paying you
in flowers, so...
85
00:03:05,839 --> 00:03:07,873
Well, I would have blown
the money on flowers anyway.
86
00:03:07,907 --> 00:03:09,174
They're saving me a step.
87
00:03:09,208 --> 00:03:11,876
Plus, all the great divas
are rewarded in flowers.
88
00:03:11,910 --> 00:03:14,044
They're also given paychecks.
89
00:03:14,078 --> 00:03:16,780
It's just, I'm really bad
at small talk, so...
90
00:03:16,814 --> 00:03:18,581
I get it.
It's not a problem.
91
00:03:18,649 --> 00:03:19,615
Are you sure?
92
00:03:19,650 --> 00:03:20,749
Because you've been quiet
all morning.
93
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:23,018
It's because I'm resting
my instrument.
94
00:03:24,187 --> 00:03:25,187
Okay.
95
00:03:27,189 --> 00:03:28,589
I feel tension.
96
00:03:28,623 --> 00:03:31,691
[ upbeat music plays ]
97
00:03:31,726 --> 00:03:33,059
[ crowd shouting ]
98
00:03:33,093 --> 00:03:34,060
Phil: Kobe!
99
00:03:34,094 --> 00:03:35,995
Kobe Kobe!
100
00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:37,063
Kobe! Kobe!
Kobe! Kobe!
101
00:03:37,097 --> 00:03:38,431
Hey, hat can I do for you?
102
00:03:39,499 --> 00:03:42,634
Do you like being
a basketball...Player?
103
00:03:42,669 --> 00:03:44,302
You serious?
104
00:03:44,337 --> 00:03:46,904
I choked. I didn't think
you'd look up heret me.
105
00:03:46,938 --> 00:03:48,572
Little preparation next time.
106
00:03:48,606 --> 00:03:49,606
It's a mental game.
107
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:50,874
Dually noted.
108
00:03:50,908 --> 00:03:53,042
All right.
109
00:03:59,415 --> 00:04:00,549
[ keys clatter ]
110
00:04:01,984 --> 00:04:03,585
What's wrong?
111
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,019
That broken step.
112
00:04:05,053 --> 00:04:06,654
It's gonna ruin
our whole family portrait.
113
00:04:06,688 --> 00:04:07,888
Claire:
Okay, here's my idea.
114
00:04:07,922 --> 00:04:09,322
I'm really excited about it.
115
00:04:09,356 --> 00:04:11,657
The whole extended family,
all dressed in white,
116
00:04:11,691 --> 00:04:13,992
In a single-file line
down the staircase.
117
00:04:14,026 --> 00:04:15,260
Oh, like a line on the highway.
118
00:04:15,294 --> 00:04:16,761
No.
119
00:04:16,795 --> 00:04:18,563
Or a-a ski jump.
120
00:04:18,597 --> 00:04:19,597
No.
121
00:04:19,631 --> 00:04:20,797
Why -- why would I want
a ski jump?
122
00:04:20,832 --> 00:04:22,098
I don't know.
123
00:04:22,132 --> 00:04:24,033
My idea was to have
the whole family on a giant bed
124
00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:25,401
Like in "Willy wonka."
125
00:04:25,435 --> 00:04:27,369
Yeah, but that's ridiculous.
126
00:04:27,404 --> 00:04:29,538
Ridicu-licious.
127
00:04:29,572 --> 00:04:31,072
[ sighs ]
128
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:34,407
I don't see anything.
129
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:34,709
So I'm crazy?
130
00:04:35,243 --> 00:04:38,311
No! You're...Not.
131
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,146
Your father was supposed
to fix that step.
132
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:44,649
Mom, you're obsessing over
the tiniest little thing.
133
00:04:44,683 --> 00:04:46,183
So you do see it.
Yeah.
134
00:04:46,217 --> 00:04:48,718
What is the big deal
about this one picture?
135
00:04:48,752 --> 00:04:49,785
Honey, you know what?
136
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:51,153
I don't expect you
to understand.
137
00:04:51,187 --> 00:04:53,388
But [sighs] all right.
138
00:04:53,422 --> 00:04:57,024
When you're a mom,
everything goes by so quickly.
139
00:04:57,058 --> 00:04:58,792
In a minute,
Luke's gonna be shaving,
140
00:04:58,826 --> 00:05:00,493
And Alex is gonna be
off at college,
141
00:05:00,527 --> 00:05:01,994
And --
and you're gonna be...
142
00:05:03,630 --> 00:05:06,398
...You're gonna be doing
something great.
143
00:05:06,432 --> 00:05:07,999
[ breathes deeply ]
144
00:05:08,034 --> 00:05:11,135
Just want to freeze
this moment as it is right now.
145
00:05:11,170 --> 00:05:12,203
You know?
146
00:05:12,237 --> 00:05:13,370
I do.
147
00:05:13,404 --> 00:05:15,171
I know I don't show it,
148
00:05:15,205 --> 00:05:18,407
But this family's still the most
important thing that I -- screw it.
149
00:05:19,291 --> 00:05:20,724
I'm gonna fix the bastard.
150
00:05:20,759 --> 00:05:22,860
I mean, seriously,
how hard can it be?
151
00:05:22,894 --> 00:05:25,028
If your father can do it,
I can do it, right?
152
00:05:25,062 --> 00:05:26,362
All right.
[ sighs ]
153
00:05:26,397 --> 00:05:28,798
I just need to...
154
00:05:28,832 --> 00:05:30,700
Like, lift...
155
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,803
Oh. Now I see it.
156
00:05:34,837 --> 00:05:36,804
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
157
00:05:39,508 --> 00:05:41,142
[ cheers and applause ]
158
00:05:41,176 --> 00:05:43,345
These seats are amazing!
159
00:05:43,412 --> 00:05:45,680
Why you have candy
coming out of your pants?
160
00:05:45,715 --> 00:05:47,082
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Huh?
161
00:05:47,116 --> 00:05:48,383
I brought my own snacks.
162
00:05:48,417 --> 00:05:50,918
Not because I'm cheap. It's.
163
00:05:50,953 --> 00:05:52,887
Plus, I get a little rush
from the danger.
164
00:05:52,921 --> 00:05:55,289
Be cool! Be cool!
Be cool!
165
00:05:55,323 --> 00:05:56,824
Just look straight ahead.
166
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,427
I've never felt more alive.
167
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,061
Whoo!
168
00:06:02,096 --> 00:06:05,197
Okay, I just made it worse.
I'm not freaking out, though.
169
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,599
I'm gonna call your dad,
170
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,767
And he's gonna tell me
how to fix this.
171
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,169
"Oh, my God, it's dad"
172
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,904
Where?
Right there, behind Kobe!
173
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:14,139
Oh!
Oh, how weird is this?
174
00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,541
Quick. Quick. Tell me something
to say that'll freak him out.
175
00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:17,843
Tell him I'm pregnant!
176
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,311
No, I'm not gonna say that.
177
00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:20,379
[ ringing ]
178
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:23,315
Okay, here we go.
How funny is this?
179
00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:24,549
[ laughing ]
180
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:27,619
He it's Phil.
181
00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:29,254
You know what to do.
182
00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:30,589
[ beep ]
183
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,123
Well,
that was pretty funny.
184
00:06:33,158 --> 00:06:34,283
[ beep ]
185
00:06:40,180 --> 00:06:42,014
Oh, my God!
186
00:06:43,416 --> 00:06:44,783
Oh, my God.
187
00:06:45,718 --> 00:06:47,519
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
188
00:06:51,090 --> 00:06:53,991
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
189
00:06:54,025 --> 00:06:57,494
Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.
190
00:06:57,528 --> 00:07:00,830
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
191
00:07:00,865 --> 00:07:02,799
Oh, my God!
Oh!
192
00:07:02,833 --> 00:07:04,367
[ cellphone rings ]
193
00:07:04,402 --> 00:07:06,202
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Sorry for that.
194
00:07:06,237 --> 00:07:07,370
[ beep ]
195
00:07:07,404 --> 00:07:08,872
Hello?
196
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:10,273
There is a pigeon in our house!
197
00:07:10,308 --> 00:07:11,575
What do I do?
What do I do?
198
00:07:11,609 --> 00:07:12,642
Who is this?
199
00:07:12,676 --> 00:07:14,143
Never funny.
Not funny now.
200
00:07:14,177 --> 00:07:15,277
Calm down.
201
00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:16,745
You know, I grew up
around many animals.
202
00:07:16,779 --> 00:07:17,979
One time,
a rooster attacked me,
203
00:07:18,014 --> 00:07:19,881
And my mom wrung its neck,
and we had it for dinner.
204
00:07:19,915 --> 00:07:22,550
Great time for an anecdote.
Help me!
205
00:07:22,584 --> 00:07:24,150
It's more afraid of you
than you are of it.
206
00:07:24,185 --> 00:07:25,818
Pigeons aren't scared
of anything.
207
00:07:25,852 --> 00:07:27,185
They stand on electrical wires.
208
00:07:27,220 --> 00:07:28,553
You're gonna be fine, Mitchell.
209
00:07:28,621 --> 00:07:30,521
You know what?
Just as long as you don't --
210
00:07:30,555 --> 00:07:32,289
Oh, you know what?
They're starting. I got to go.
211
00:07:32,323 --> 00:07:33,757
Okay. Bye.
[ beep ]
212
00:07:33,791 --> 00:07:35,558
As long as I don't what?!
Cam, as long as I don't --
213
00:07:35,593 --> 00:07:37,460
Oh. [ groans ]
214
00:07:40,363 --> 00:07:41,763
Ooh, the kiss Cam!
215
00:07:41,797 --> 00:07:43,831
Wouldn't it be embarrassing
if the camera was on us
216
00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:45,165
And then
the crowd started --
217
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,500
We're related.
Not by blood.
218
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:48,335
Touch me,
and there will be blood.
219
00:07:48,369 --> 00:07:51,638
[ cheers and applause ]
220
00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:54,239
Not us.
221
00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:55,407
What's wrong with you?
222
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:56,574
It's the kiss-cam --
223
00:07:56,609 --> 00:07:57,842
When it lands on you,
you're supposed to kiss.
224
00:07:57,877 --> 00:08:01,346
[ crowd booing ]
225
00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:03,081
It's my wife's dad's
second wife,
226
00:08:03,148 --> 00:08:05,917
So, legally okay,
but still weird.
227
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,454
That was awkward.
228
00:08:10,488 --> 00:08:12,222
And...We're back.
229
00:08:12,256 --> 00:08:14,390
[ crowd booing ]
230
00:08:14,425 --> 00:08:18,662
Ay, come on.
It's not a big deal.
231
00:08:18,696 --> 00:08:21,631
[ cheers and applause ]
232
00:08:24,301 --> 00:08:25,668
Thank God
for caller I.D.
233
00:08:25,703 --> 00:08:27,670
So you don't have to talk
to your wife.
234
00:08:27,704 --> 00:08:28,904
[ chuckles ]
235
00:08:28,939 --> 00:08:30,239
Oh, we're gonna talk,
mister.
236
00:08:30,273 --> 00:08:31,307
[ hammering ]
237
00:08:31,341 --> 00:08:32,574
We're gonna talk and talk...
238
00:08:32,609 --> 00:08:33,775
[ cellphone beeps ]
239
00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:37,710
Dad!
Mom saw you on TV!
240
00:08:37,745 --> 00:08:38,978
You're dead.
241
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:42,080
Phil:
Here's the thing.
242
00:08:42,114 --> 00:08:44,548
The kiss-cam is only supposed
to be for the enjoyment
243
00:08:44,582 --> 00:08:46,282
Of the people at the game!
244
00:08:46,316 --> 00:08:48,083
They never show that on TV.
245
00:08:48,118 --> 00:08:51,519
What people do in the privacy
of their own sports arena
246
00:08:51,586 --> 00:08:53,887
Should be their own business.
247
00:08:54,922 --> 00:08:56,088
So, in '66,
248
00:08:56,122 --> 00:08:59,858
I worked at my grandfather's
office-supply business.
249
00:08:59,892 --> 00:09:02,193
You know, your ink,
your staples, your legal pads.
250
00:09:02,228 --> 00:09:03,527
Am I going too fast for you?
251
00:09:03,562 --> 00:09:05,995
I feel asleep for second.
252
00:09:06,030 --> 00:09:08,797
Did you do anything interesting
in the '60s?
253
00:09:08,832 --> 00:09:10,066
Well, one summer, I swept up hair
254
00:09:10,101 --> 00:09:11,467
At my other grandfather's
barber shop.
255
00:09:11,502 --> 00:09:12,735
Ugh, you're killing me!
256
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:15,271
What do you want?
I don't know.
257
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,606
Brian Beckwith's grandfather
marched on Washington.
258
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,007
Artie Beckwith?
259
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:21,675
He couldn't walk two feet
without complaining.
260
00:09:21,709 --> 00:09:23,142
He marched on Washington?
261
00:09:23,177 --> 00:09:25,044
He told Brian he did.
262
00:09:25,079 --> 00:09:26,712
With Martin Luther king Jr.
263
00:09:26,746 --> 00:09:28,480
Martin Luther king?
264
00:09:28,515 --> 00:09:30,549
Guess who cut his hair.
265
00:09:30,583 --> 00:09:31,917
[ chuckling ] what?
266
00:09:31,951 --> 00:09:34,286
Do you know who cut
Martin Luther king Jr.'s hair?
267
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,288
Neither does Luke's teacher.
268
00:09:36,323 --> 00:09:38,458
So, the barber shop
was in Washington?
269
00:09:38,492 --> 00:09:39,459
Okay.
270
00:09:39,893 --> 00:09:41,660
Did you cut
any other famous hair?
271
00:09:41,695 --> 00:09:43,697
Oh, yeah, the Kennedys,
Richard Nixon,
272
00:09:43,731 --> 00:09:44,898
All the astronauts.
273
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:47,133
How do you think buzz Aldrin
got his nickname?
274
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:49,402
[ chuckling ] awesome.
275
00:09:49,436 --> 00:09:51,236
Mitchell: ♪ we love to play
in Lily's room
276
00:09:51,271 --> 00:09:53,204
♪ we don't need any milk ♪
277
00:09:53,239 --> 00:09:54,806
[ humming ]
278
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,874
Okay, you know what, Lily?
I am a man.
279
00:09:56,908 --> 00:09:59,809
I am going into the kitchen
to get your milk.
280
00:09:59,844 --> 00:10:00,777
[ Lily crying ]
281
00:10:00,811 --> 00:10:01,878
[ breathing heavily]
282
00:10:03,313 --> 00:10:04,679
[ groans ]
283
00:10:04,714 --> 00:10:06,881
[ breathing deeply ]
284
00:10:06,882 --> 00:10:10,583
Whaaaaaaaaa!
285
00:10:10,617 --> 00:10:13,385
[ screaming ]
286
00:10:18,957 --> 00:10:20,491
[ screaming continues ]
287
00:10:24,629 --> 00:10:27,765
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Ohh!
288
00:10:27,799 --> 00:10:30,134
[ Lily crying ] come on.
289
00:10:37,508 --> 00:10:40,243
[ cello playing ]
290
00:10:42,213 --> 00:10:52,922
♪ ave Maria ♪
291
00:10:52,956 --> 00:11:00,162
♪ Gratia plena ♪
292
00:11:00,196 --> 00:11:07,868
♪ Maria, Gratia plena ♪
293
00:11:07,902 --> 00:11:14,839
♪ Maria, Gratia plena ♪
294
00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:22,312
♪ ave, ave Dominus ♪
295
00:11:22,346 --> 00:11:26,983
♪ Dominus tecum ♪
296
00:11:27,017 --> 00:11:35,122
♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus ♪
297
00:11:35,157 --> 00:11:42,494
♪ et benedictus
fructus ventris ♪
298
00:11:42,529 --> 00:11:51,935
♪ ventris tui, Jesus ♪
299
00:11:54,404 --> 00:12:05,179
♪ ave Maria ♪
300
00:12:05,213 --> 00:12:07,047
[ applause ]
301
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:17,236
Then one day,
wilt Chamberlain shows up.
302
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,471
He says, "can you take
a little off the top
303
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:20,639
For my friend here?"
304
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:21,707
And it's Elvis.
305
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:22,841
[ chuckling ] no way.
306
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:24,409
Greatest singer
that ever lived --
307
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:25,510
After Sinatra.
308
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:26,878
I'll fight any man
who says different.
309
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,013
My dad says the greatest singer
who ever lived
310
00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:30,748
Is Peabo Bryson.
311
00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:32,183
Then I guess
I got to fight your dad.
312
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:33,719
Yeah. I guess.
313
00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:37,289
[ cellphone beeps ]
314
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:42,396
Luke says grandpa
wants to fight you.
315
00:12:44,298 --> 00:12:46,466
[ grunts ]
316
00:12:49,771 --> 00:12:51,238
[ clatter ]
317
00:12:51,272 --> 00:12:53,140
Why does everything
have to suck?!
318
00:12:53,175 --> 00:12:55,543
Let's just do the picture
another day.
319
00:12:55,577 --> 00:12:56,578
I think I'm getting a pimple.
320
00:12:56,612 --> 00:12:57,879
No!
321
00:12:57,913 --> 00:12:59,981
Do you know how long it took me
to book this photographer?
322
00:13:00,016 --> 00:13:03,317
Maybe by the fireplace.
323
00:13:03,352 --> 00:13:05,019
Yeah.
324
00:13:05,053 --> 00:13:07,522
That's a classic
old-person spot for a portrait.
325
00:13:07,556 --> 00:13:10,091
Yeah, if I'd ever bothered
to paint that hideous WA
326
00:13:10,125 --> 00:13:11,927
Claire is a perfectionist,
327
00:13:11,961 --> 00:13:13,862
Which sometimes
is a good thing,
328
00:13:13,897 --> 00:13:16,865
Like when it comes to
picking a [chuckling] husband.
329
00:13:16,899 --> 00:13:18,230
Sometime it's a bad thing,
330
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:21,168
Like when, uh, everyone else
sees something beautiful,
331
00:13:21,202 --> 00:13:24,971
And all she sees
is the teeny, tiny flaw.
332
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,905
No.
333
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,540
No.
[ dialing ]
334
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,409
No.
335
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:31,643
Hi.
336
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,178
My house is a disaster.
337
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,412
Can we do this picture at your place?
338
00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:39,315
Yeah, yeah, that's --
that's not gonna work.
339
00:13:46,051 --> 00:13:49,053
Maybe one more layer --
and tight, really tight.
340
00:13:49,087 --> 00:13:50,287
Dad, can you call them again?
341
00:13:50,321 --> 00:13:51,655
I just did.
They're on their way.
342
00:13:51,723 --> 00:13:52,856
Game went into overtime.
343
00:13:52,890 --> 00:13:54,256
I know,
but we're losing the light,
344
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:55,691
And the photographer
has got to get
345
00:13:55,725 --> 00:13:56,992
To a bar mitzvah in 10 minutes.
346
00:13:57,026 --> 00:13:58,260
Oh, red wine.
Really? Now?
347
00:13:58,294 --> 00:13:59,928
You know, honey,
I think you're getting
348
00:13:59,962 --> 00:14:01,329
A little too uptight
about this.
349
00:14:01,363 --> 00:14:02,363
Mm-hmm.
350
00:14:02,397 --> 00:14:03,431
It's hard to breathe.
351
00:14:03,465 --> 00:14:05,132
Oh, you're fine.
What'd you do to him?
352
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:07,334
He's turning blue.
Yeah, but his clothes will stay white.
353
00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:10,003
We're home!
354
00:14:10,037 --> 00:14:11,303
Oh, thank God!
355
00:14:11,338 --> 00:14:12,304
Alex: Hello!
Manny, let's go change.
356
00:14:12,339 --> 00:14:13,305
Mwah!
357
00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:15,808
Hey.
There's my beautiful wife.
358
00:14:15,842 --> 00:14:17,209
I know you're mad at me,
359
00:14:17,244 --> 00:14:19,012
And I know this foam finger
can't map for everything --
360
00:14:19,046 --> 00:14:21,180
Honey, you just go change, and we'll
talk about what you did later.
361
00:14:21,214 --> 00:14:22,381
Okay. Hey...
362
00:14:22,415 --> 00:14:23,849
Thank you so much
for those tickets.
363
00:14:23,884 --> 00:14:25,618
Gloria tells me
you had a real good time.
364
00:14:25,652 --> 00:14:27,085
Not really.
No, I didn't.
365
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,353
God, I love your daughter.
[ clatter ]
366
00:14:28,387 --> 00:14:29,587
Ohh! I should --
367
00:14:29,622 --> 00:14:30,855
I should come by
and kiss that step --
368
00:14:30,889 --> 00:14:32,122
Fix that step.
369
00:14:32,156 --> 00:14:33,456
[ door opens ]
370
00:14:33,491 --> 00:14:34,958
Ugh, you're acting like I wanted
to destroy the house.
371
00:14:34,992 --> 00:14:36,192
No, I just think it's odd
372
00:14:36,226 --> 00:14:37,994
That the majority of things
you destroyed
373
00:14:38,028 --> 00:14:39,194
Were sent to us by my mom.
374
00:14:39,229 --> 00:14:40,328
Oh, okay, okay, okay,
375
00:14:40,363 --> 00:14:42,096
So while I'm fighting off
that filthy creature,
376
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:43,964
I actually stop and say,
"oh, you know what?
377
00:14:43,999 --> 00:14:45,899
Here's the opportunity
I've always been looking for
378
00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:47,734
"To destroy
our kitschiest objects."
379
00:14:47,768 --> 00:14:49,101
"kitschiest"?
Oh, she's gonna love that.
380
00:14:49,136 --> 00:14:50,269
You know, if you would have just
come with me to the wedding,
381
00:14:50,303 --> 00:14:51,270
None of this
would have happened.
382
00:14:51,304 --> 00:14:52,671
Okay, so you are angry.
383
00:14:52,705 --> 00:14:53,905
Mitchell, I get it.
384
00:14:53,939 --> 00:14:55,607
You're terrified
of small talk...And birds.
385
00:14:56,141 --> 00:14:58,108
You're just lucky that pigeon
didn't want to chat you up
386
00:14:58,143 --> 00:14:59,076
About the weather.
387
00:14:59,110 --> 00:15:00,643
Hello, Jay.
Jay: Hello, guys.
388
00:15:00,677 --> 00:15:02,878
Claire: Oh, God!
389
00:15:02,946 --> 00:15:04,513
Oh, you look like the guy
from "dance fever"!
390
00:15:04,547 --> 00:15:05,914
Thank you.
391
00:15:05,949 --> 00:15:07,349
Deney Terrio.
Cleveland, Ohio.
392
00:15:07,383 --> 00:15:08,417
Dad, really.
393
00:15:08,451 --> 00:15:09,684
That is not a compliment.
394
00:15:09,719 --> 00:15:11,519
That's why I wanted you
to try those on earlier.
395
00:15:11,554 --> 00:15:12,587
Turn around.
396
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,788
The picture can't happen today.
397
00:15:13,822 --> 00:15:14,955
My pimple's getting worse.
398
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:16,690
Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
Can you stand?
399
00:15:16,725 --> 00:15:17,725
Yeah?
400
00:15:17,759 --> 00:15:18,692
Well, then,
the picture's happening.
401
00:15:18,727 --> 00:15:20,928
It's all anybody's gonna see!
402
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:23,529
I wouldn't be so sure
about that.
403
00:15:24,898 --> 00:15:26,665
Did you get a look
at her dress?
404
00:15:26,699 --> 00:15:28,266
What?!
Why would I look at her dress?
405
00:15:28,301 --> 00:15:29,267
I love you!
406
00:15:29,302 --> 00:15:30,435
Photographer:
Uh, Mrs. Dunphy.
407
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:31,470
The sun is setting.
408
00:15:31,504 --> 00:15:33,104
Oh, okay, yeah,
this is happening.
409
00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:34,039
Everybody, come on, let's go.
410
00:15:34,073 --> 00:15:35,206
Hold it.
Be careful.
411
00:15:35,241 --> 00:15:37,242
I stained some furniture
out there this afternoon.
412
00:15:38,026 --> 00:15:38,993
Of course you did, dad.
413
00:15:39,027 --> 00:15:40,194
Anything else
I need to know about?
414
00:15:40,228 --> 00:15:41,528
Maybe the neighbors
on either side
415
00:15:41,563 --> 00:15:42,730
Are having a paintball fight.
416
00:15:42,764 --> 00:15:43,998
Now, watch this.
417
00:15:44,032 --> 00:15:46,434
Dad, in his infinite wisdom,
stained furniture today.
418
00:15:46,468 --> 00:15:48,002
Don't touch it.
It's wet.
419
00:15:48,036 --> 00:15:50,171
Hurry, hurry!
Put that down, sweetheart.
420
00:15:50,205 --> 00:15:52,807
Okay, okay, we got it.
Now we're gonna go out here. We're ready.
421
00:15:52,842 --> 00:15:54,109
Oh, my God!
422
00:15:54,143 --> 00:15:55,210
Are you kidding me?!
423
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,478
Gloria: Ay.
All right, how do you --
424
00:15:56,513 --> 00:15:57,513
How do you turn
the sprinklers off?
425
00:15:57,547 --> 00:15:59,381
Ay, of course,
because I'm Latina,
426
00:15:59,449 --> 00:16:02,384
I'm supposed to know everything
about gardening and sprinklers!
427
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:04,253
You were here
when they installed it!
428
00:16:05,037 --> 00:16:07,006
Ay, yeah. Ay...
429
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,408
The box is across the yard.
430
00:16:08,475 --> 00:16:10,343
Claire: You mean
the now-soaking-wet yard?
431
00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:11,812
That's great.
We are screwed.
432
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,313
No, we're not.
433
00:16:14,347 --> 00:16:16,948
We haven't unwrapped
our secret weapon yet.
434
00:16:16,983 --> 00:16:20,284
Luke walks over there,
"hurt locker"-style,
435
00:16:20,319 --> 00:16:23,154
Flips the switch,
and boom! --
436
00:16:23,189 --> 00:16:26,558
Or, not boom --
water off.
437
00:16:26,592 --> 00:16:29,327
Put the "he" in "hero," son.
438
00:16:32,097 --> 00:16:34,132
Claire: Oh.
439
00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:35,266
Ohh.
440
00:16:35,301 --> 00:16:36,701
"hurt locker."
441
00:16:36,736 --> 00:16:38,436
It's -- it's more like
"squirt locker."
442
00:16:39,872 --> 00:16:41,506
Really?
That wasn't funny?
443
00:16:41,540 --> 00:16:43,674
I actually pity you guys.
444
00:16:43,709 --> 00:16:45,443
[ clicking ]
445
00:16:45,477 --> 00:16:46,610
[ sprinklers shut off ]
446
00:16:46,645 --> 00:16:48,112
[ cheers and applause ]
447
00:16:48,147 --> 00:16:50,648
No! No time to celebrate!
Stop it!
448
00:16:50,682 --> 00:16:52,383
We don't have a lot of time.
449
00:16:52,418 --> 00:16:54,252
All right, everybody, if I can
have the little ones out front --
450
00:16:54,286 --> 00:16:55,586
You know what, sir?
If you don't mind...
451
00:16:55,621 --> 00:16:56,621
I've got this.
452
00:16:56,655 --> 00:16:58,255
Come on, people.
Let's get out here.
453
00:16:58,289 --> 00:17:01,125
Haley, Alex, I need you to
unwrap your brother, all right?
454
00:17:01,159 --> 00:17:02,927
I need the Dunphys
over on this side.
455
00:17:02,961 --> 00:17:04,395
Dad, you're in the middle.
456
00:17:04,429 --> 00:17:07,198
Mitchell, Cam, Lily
on this end.
457
00:17:07,232 --> 00:17:08,666
[ sighing ] okay.
458
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,134
Listen.
Uh-huh?
459
00:17:10,168 --> 00:17:11,335
I know I screwed up,
460
00:17:11,403 --> 00:17:13,704
But if ever
you're in my arms again...
461
00:17:13,739 --> 00:17:15,606
Phil, not now.
Yes, now!
462
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,741
I don't want to look at this
picture when I'm 80 years old
463
00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:19,643
And you're long dead and know
that you were angry at me
464
00:17:19,677 --> 00:17:20,877
When we took it!
465
00:17:20,912 --> 00:17:22,045
Phil, we'll talk
about what you did later.
466
00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:23,713
Okay, everybody.
Eyes over here.
467
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,782
I didn't do anything.
She kissed me.
468
00:17:26,816 --> 00:17:28,383
What?!
[ camera shutter clicks ]
469
00:17:28,918 --> 00:17:30,785
Who kissed you?
Gloria.
470
00:17:30,820 --> 00:17:31,720
What?!
471
00:17:31,754 --> 00:17:32,854
It was the kiss-cam.
472
00:17:32,888 --> 00:17:34,055
Why did you kiss Cam?
473
00:17:34,089 --> 00:17:36,224
No, I kissed Phil.
He told me I had to.
474
00:17:36,258 --> 00:17:38,026
No. No. Okay.
Hang on a second.
475
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:39,160
Was this before or after
476
00:17:39,195 --> 00:17:40,795
You ignored the phone call
from your wife?
477
00:17:40,830 --> 00:17:42,497
You saw that, too?!
Mm.
478
00:17:43,031 --> 00:17:46,433
Could we please just take
the damn picture?!
479
00:17:46,468 --> 00:17:48,769
Okay, everybody, one more time.
480
00:17:48,804 --> 00:17:50,371
Just so you know,
I am angry with you.
481
00:17:51,005 --> 00:17:52,139
I knew it!
482
00:17:52,173 --> 00:17:54,407
Oh, damn it!
It was a big day for me,
483
00:17:54,442 --> 00:17:56,609
And he didn't to go because
he doesn't like small talk!
484
00:17:56,644 --> 00:17:58,244
Would it be
terribly inconvenient
485
00:17:58,279 --> 00:18:00,214
To just postpone this hissy fit
for a few minutes?
486
00:18:00,248 --> 00:18:01,748
Okay, you know what?!
487
00:18:01,783 --> 00:18:04,251
Maybe some of us don't want to
take a picture today! Thank you!
488
00:18:04,285 --> 00:18:05,452
Cam: Yeah, and, please, Claire,
don't try to make Mitchell
489
00:18:05,487 --> 00:18:06,820
Do something
he doesn't want to do.
490
00:18:06,855 --> 00:18:08,188
Oh, shut up, Cam!
491
00:18:08,222 --> 00:18:09,589
[ imitates wings fluttering
] okay, stop it!
492
00:18:09,624 --> 00:18:10,791
Stop it!
Everyone!
493
00:18:10,825 --> 00:18:13,527
Listen, this took me forever
to put together,
494
00:18:13,561 --> 00:18:15,963
So I don't really care
who kissed who
495
00:18:15,997 --> 00:18:18,098
And who's got a pimple
on her head,
496
00:18:18,132 --> 00:18:20,167
And who is wearing an
outrageously inappropriate dress!
497
00:18:20,201 --> 00:18:23,135
We are gonna get together
and act like a normal family
498
00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:25,836
For 1/10 of a freaking second,
499
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:27,104
And we're gonna do it
right now.
500
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:28,105
Come on, let's go.
501
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:29,140
Get your hands off or me!
502
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,307
No. No, make me.
503
00:18:30,342 --> 00:18:32,443
Make me. Make me.
Jay: Oh, this is ridiculous!
504
00:18:32,477 --> 00:18:34,712
You're both uptight
about everything!
505
00:18:34,746 --> 00:18:36,447
You didn't want to go
to a wedding with him
506
00:18:36,481 --> 00:18:38,783
Because you didn't want
to make small talk?
507
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:40,084
That's how I met Gloria.
508
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:41,619
Do you remember the first thing
I said to you?
509
00:18:41,653 --> 00:18:42,686
Yes.
510
00:18:42,721 --> 00:18:44,522
"I like chocolate,
I like fruit,
511
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:46,724
But not together."
512
00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:48,392
You couldn't come up with that,
Ivy league?
513
00:18:48,426 --> 00:18:50,628
And you --
you would be a lot happier
514
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:52,897
If you weren't so obsessed
with everything being perfect.
515
00:18:52,931 --> 00:18:54,298
Look at us here all in white.
516
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:55,733
What are we, a cricket team?
517
00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:58,836
News flash --
life is not perfect, Claire.
518
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,072
Now, calm the hell down!
519
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:02,407
Okay, dad, that's great.
520
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,042
And that's really easy
for you to say,
521
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:06,210
But do you think
I like being like this?
522
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:07,879
No, I don't.
523
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,446
So if you have some
quick and easy fix,
524
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,148
Why don't you just
give it to me right now?
525
00:19:14,919 --> 00:19:16,086
Ohh!
526
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,055
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Jay! Oh!
527
00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:19,423
Oh, my God!
528
00:19:19,457 --> 00:19:22,059
I-I got this, baby.
529
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:24,495
No! What are --
[ gasps ]
530
00:19:24,529 --> 00:19:27,098
Why did you do that?
Two people are dirty!
531
00:19:27,132 --> 00:19:28,366
Well, three.
532
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,301
[ gasps ] okay, you know what?
533
00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:32,636
That's for "kitschy."
534
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:33,871
Mud fight!
535
00:19:33,905 --> 00:19:35,072
[ girls screaming ]
Claire: No.
536
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,607
Oh! Oh!
Don't do that!
537
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:40,144
[ all screaming ]
538
00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:42,480
Stop!
539
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,349
Oh!
540
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:45,750
[ laughing and screaming ]
Haley, stop it!
541
00:19:48,285 --> 00:19:49,453
Luke: No!
Excuse me!
542
00:19:49,487 --> 00:19:51,522
[ laughter fades ]
543
00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:52,523
Are we still doing this?
544
00:19:52,557 --> 00:19:53,524
No.
545
00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:54,925
No, we're not.
546
00:19:57,128 --> 00:20:00,864
[ laughter ]
547
00:20:00,898 --> 00:20:02,765
Now we are.
548
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:05,034
Gloria: Ready!
549
00:20:05,068 --> 00:20:06,235
Phil: Whoo-hoo!
550
00:20:06,269 --> 00:20:08,704
Aah! [ giggles ]
551
00:20:08,739 --> 00:20:10,273
Say "cheese."
552
00:20:10,307 --> 00:20:12,208
Say "cheese!"
553
00:20:12,242 --> 00:20:13,776
Jay: Back in '68,
554
00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:15,645
When I was sweeping up hair
in that barber shop,
555
00:20:15,679 --> 00:20:18,048
I had this mental picture
of the family that,
556
00:20:18,082 --> 00:20:20,617
If I was lucky enough,
one day I would end up with --
557
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:23,520
Perfect wife, perfect kids.
558
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:24,621
Guess what.
559
00:20:24,655 --> 00:20:25,822
I didn't get any of that.
560
00:20:25,856 --> 00:20:28,158
Wound up
with this sorry bunch.
561
00:20:28,192 --> 00:20:30,327
And I'm thankful for that
every day.
562
00:20:31,462 --> 00:20:33,196
Well, most days.
563
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:35,799
I think I'm just gonna go
with the Elvis stuff.
564
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,239
Yeah, I would.
565
00:20:41,037 --> 00:20:42,203
To the right...To the right...
566
00:20:42,937 --> 00:20:44,871
And a skosh to the left.
567
00:20:44,905 --> 00:20:46,239
There we go.
568
00:20:46,273 --> 00:20:48,074
[ inhales sharply ] whatever.
569
00:20:48,108 --> 00:20:49,775
I'm gonna have to take
the picture down
570
00:20:49,810 --> 00:20:51,343
When I repaint the wall anyhow.
571
00:20:51,378 --> 00:20:53,145
Kill me now.
572
00:20:53,179 --> 00:20:54,179
What?
573
00:20:54,214 --> 00:20:55,648
Don't know how...
574
00:20:55,682 --> 00:20:57,182
I got so lucky.
575
00:20:57,217 --> 00:20:58,217
Mm-hmm?
576
00:20:58,251 --> 00:20:59,918
I love you.
577
00:20:59,953 --> 00:21:01,787
I love that picture.
578
00:21:01,821 --> 00:21:03,155
Yeah.
579
00:21:05,458 --> 00:21:08,860
Is that a chip on the frame
right there? No. No.
580
00:21:08,894 --> 00:21:09,928
I can see it.
Honey!
581
00:21:09,929 --> 00:21:19,929
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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