All language subtitles for My.Brother.My.Brother.And.Me.S01E03_English

-Has anybody seen Justin?

[ Doorbell rings ]

-You rang?
-No!

-No!

-That was good.

-Hey, everybody,
welcome to the show.

-Say the shit.
-Say the...

the line.
-What?

I'm -- I didn't know
this character that

I'm trying to get going,
kind of a wacky neighbor.

Kind of thought we don't have
a wacky neighbor yet,

so I thought I'd be
the wacky neighbor.

-All you did was come out
and say you rang.

That doesn't mean that
you're a wacky neighbor at all.

You were just Justin saying,
"You rang."

-I have other catch phrases.
-Try my catch phrase,

and my one word direction
for you: earnest.

-Earnest, okay.
Earnest.

Hey...

[ Laughs ]

This bit was a mistake.

[ Music plays, applause ]

-The McElroy brothers
are not experts,

and their advice
should never be followed.

They're just three brothers
who created a podcast,

and now they've returned
to their hometown

to tape a TV show.

Also, this show
isn't for kids.

Which I mention
only so you babies out there

know how cool you are
for watching.

What's up, you cool baby?

**

* -It's familiar,
but not too familiar *

* But not too not familiar

* It's a new craze

* Hey, good girls, do you wanna
just say, "Hey I wanna." *

* Just say, "Hey I wanna"

-Hello, everybody,
and welcome to

"My Brother My Brother and Me"

an advice show
for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother,
Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother,
Travis McElroy.

-I'm your sweet baby
brother, Griffin McElroy.

-We asked our listeners
for questions,

and we received hundreds.
It was very flattering.

But there was one that we
looked at and we thought,

"this we can fix."

-I read this question
and I thought,

"If I don't answer
this question

on a TV show,
I'm gonna die."

-I looked at this question
and I said, "No",

but I was outvoted
three to one.

-By the secret fourth
McElroy brother, Dougie.

-Well, no, our director
made me do this,

and I'm holding you accountable
for everything that happens, JD.

-Here's the question:
How do I convince my wife

to let me get
a pet tarantula?

Dan in Massachusetts.

-This question is such
a slam dunk.

-I wanna talk about tarantulas.

-Okay.

The name is bad.

-Tarantula it has
a scary sound to it.

-Yeah, rantula.
-That's like a new flavor.

-Rancho.
-[Laughing] Rancho?

A lot of people
are not hot on them.

Nobody up here but...
-Yeah.

-A lot of people
aren't hot on them,

so I was thinking
for 30 seconds

we could just like...
get it out.

-I hate them so much.

I hate spiders, small to big.
I hate the way they move.

I hate the legs. I hate the fur.
-That's 10 seconds.

Justin, you get
10 seconds now.

-I'm fine with 'em.
So, uh...

-We're supposed to be dunking
on them in this segment.

-Yeah,
but I'm fine with 'em.

-One time I saw a video of
a rancho molt it's skin,

and my eyes went to hell.
-[ Laughs ]

That's fun.
I wanna talk about Travis.

-No, no please don't
touch me right now,

while we talk about spiders.

-This is not a bit,
by the way.

Can't stress that enough.

-I wish you could feel
the energy

coming from my brother.

It's like waves, yuck waves.

-We're talking about them
so much,

and I can feel them
on the back of my neck.

-Close your eyes for a second
and tell me...

what is it that
you're actually afraid of.

What bothers you about it?

Try to envision one.

-No.
-Get down to the deepest

part of this fear.
Close your eyes.

At that point, after I did
that hilarious thing,

where I pretend there's
a spider on Travis's neck,

he hit me
on the arm very hard.

I expect some bruising tomorrow.
-Don't you fucking...

I hit Justin at about
45 percent strength.

That was too much.

-Hey folks, it's us,
the McElroy brothers,

just telling you: don't hit.

Cuz the energy in there,
it fucking sucked.

-It was not brother weird,
but it was,

like, professionals working
together weird, for sure.

Don't do that shit again.

-Okay.
-And we'll cut right there.

-We can continue on.

So, we felt, on this question,

we needed a little bit
more details.

So, we have Dan
on the phone with us.

-Hi, Dan.
-Hi, Dan.

-Hi, Dan.
-Hey.

-Dan, my first question
to you: wife's name?

-Alex.
-Alex.

-Alex, okay.
-Write that down, please.

-Okay, I have to apologizes,

because I asked
for a piece of paper,

and our producer,

fucking Gallagher,
gave me this.

-How against tarantulas
is Alex?

-She just doesn't
like spiders that much.

-Write down logical.
-Especially that big.

-Do you have to catch
this by or for yourself?

What's the story there?
Do you have to catch the...

-I hope not.

I hope they put it

into the cage for me,

and then I have
very little handling of it.

-Okay, so.
-Hold on, hold on.

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
-Pump the fucking breaks, Dan.

Do you have...

are you nervous
about owning a spider,

and you don't wanna touch it.

-Yeah, a little bit.
-What the fuck?

-Dan, what the fuck
are you doing?

-Dan?
-Here's the plan, Dan.

We're gonna do a little bit
of grass roots brand boosting

here in Huntington,
West Virginia.

We're gonna make this
happen for you Dan,

and then
we're gonna check in

and make our pitch,

and see what happens.

**

-Levi, meet the tarantula.
-The humble rancho.

-It's all rancho.
-Okay.

-We're talking about
a full brand reversal here.

-Yeah.
-Well, you all have a budget?

-Let's crunch the...
-Do you need the calculator?

Oh, you have it on your --

Oh, you have it on you?

-We got three dollars.

-What would you advice, on
the cheap, that we could do?

-Start a Facebook page.

-We're looking for the most
efficient way to get our message

in front of as many heads
as possible.

In like an hour.

-You could walk around
the streets and tell people,

"Spiders are cool."
-Like a Parade?

-A Parade.
-Parade.

-Yeah, maybe a parade.

-Do you know anything
about parade management?

How to get people excited
about a parade?

-Or make one?
-Or make one?

-Or where to start at all?

-Well, I would start
downtown Huntington,

since we're already here.

-Yes.
-Good idea.

-If we just have a line of cars

that we've lined up,
purposefully,

and then we just slap
some floats on top,

and drive a little bit,
and really quickly

pull 'em back down
before anybody notices,

do you think we'd get
in trouble for that?

-I don't think you would.

-So, we're gonna do a parade.

-A parade?
-Yeah, so far your excited.

That's great for the city.

-Well, we have parades
all the time.

-Let me ask you this question:
how do you feel about bugs?

Like mosquito and beetles
and stuff?

-I don't like 'em.
-Not good, right?

Apparently, spiders eat them,
and they protect you.

-But a tarantula's a bug.

All right, so, how would
the parade be structured?

-So, here's what I'm thinking.

So, we'll start out
near Spring Hill,

and then just come
all the way.

Kind of a -- more of a festival,
a rolling festival

that would go all the way...

-Conceptually,
we talked about, sort of,

half parade, half marathon.
-No. 'cause, see,

we're not gonna
shut down traffic

for the businesses there.
-Mr. Mayor,

I want to paint ya
a hypothetical.

I want ya to flash forward
to the election.

And this is the ad
that you see coming on TV:

Mayor Steve Williams says

that he wants lots of great
activities in Huntington...

[ Laughter ]

-Finish the thought.
-Say it.

-But when
the opportunity...

[ Laughs ]

But when the opportunity
came to do

a kick ass parade
in downtown,

Mayor Williams
took a big dump on it.

[ Laughs ]

-You don't need a parade.
-It's probably gonna be

a pretty short parade.

-No.

-Listen, I love the mayor.

Granted, he's a fine politician,
I'm sure.

-I say we just go for it.

I say we just do
the big boy parade.

-It's easier to ask
for forgiveness than permission.

-It's gonna be a really
small parade, he'll never know.

-He'll never know.
-He doesn't need to know.

-Okay, so, we told them

that we would have a bunch
of hot ticket celebrities here,

big names, big numbers,
and, um...

None of them
have said yes, at all.

-But we're trying to score
that endorse though

cuz you want a face
for your campaign.

-I actually have
Reginald VelJohnson's

agent's
number right here.

I just found it
in the back of a van.

Here I go.

It's Monday,
it's a little after five,

and I'm just gonna call,
actually, Reginald VelJohnson.

Social anxiety, ahoy.

Hi, I'm trying
to get in touch with,

this is kind of
a strange request,

with Reginald VelJohnson

to participate
in a TV project for Seeso.

Just hung up.
[ Laughter ]

-I got a good one.
-Who you reachin' out to?

-Hi, I was trying to, uh,
my name is Zach, and I rep...

-Hang up, you lost.
-You did so bad.

-I can't fucking do this,
I can't do this.

-You can't do that one again.

-You couldn't
even say your name.

-Who the fuck were
you calling, idiot?

-I was trying to get
Ellen DeGeneres on the show.

-Well, I could of you told
that wasn't gonna work.

-And you fucking blew it.
[ Knock on window ]

-It's going great.
-It's going great.

-Really good.
-We're nailing it.

We're crushing it.

Okay, I'm gonna
try Ellen's office, again.

-Oh, my god.
Center yourself,

don't press
that green phone button

until you're ready
to do this shit.

-Okay.
-Call Ellen DeGeneres.

-[ Laughs ]
-You see, you're not ready.

-Hi, my name is Justin,

I'm reaching out
on behalf of

"My Brother,
My Brother, and Me."

It's Seeso project
for their

comedy streaming service
that NBC's doing.

I was trying to get in touch
with representation

for Ellen DeGeneres,
about asking her

to do a quick cameo.

Hi, Micheal, this is...

[ Laughter ]

You got so far!

-I hope you enjoyed that scene.

Coming up next is a home
improvement style transition

that I'm gonna describe,
and then our CGI,

whataworks people are gonna
figure out how to do it later.

Just to bridge us into that
next great goof filled segment.

For this one,
instead of a star wipe

we're gonna go with
a more unconventional shape,

which is actor Jeffrey Tambor
punching a tiger.

Let's get that going right now.

**

-So, we're here with our
new friend Mark Berman

who's gonna teach us
some stuff about tarantulas.

Mark,
I'm Griffin McElroy,

this is my oldest
brother Justin McElroy.

-Nice to meet you guys.
-That's my other brother,

Travis McElroy. He's back in,
we call it, the safety zone.

Travis's spider free castle.

-Hi.
-No spiders can get me here.

-Yeah.
-So you've brought,

approximately,
200,000 spiders

into our home,
which is a cool thing.

-Right.
This one...

-Oh, that's such a big spider.

Hey, I just had
an interesting thought.

-Yeah.
-Actually, fuck this.

-[ Laughs ]
-Now, this one,

look, this
is another shed skin.

Wait. Hang on a second,
hang on a second.

-No, no, no, no, no.
-Just the skin.

-No, he's not gonna
enjoy that at all.

-I'm cool.

-This is an orange
baboon tarantula.

-That means it kills and eats
baboons like it's it's job.

-This is the kind of spider
that you get a poker for.

I don't have a --
I got one here.

-You can use Griffin's finger.
-Nah, there's one in this.

-You're just gonna
open up another one.

Let's always have at least

two spider cups open
at the same time.

Oh, You pissed off
orange baboon boy.

-He would probably rear...
That's what he would do.

-You yelled.
You're the spider guy,

and you yelled at it.

-This one, right here,
is probably

the most dangerous spider
you'll ever see in person.

-Travis is going to space.

Travis is now working for NASA.
-This is not a tarantula.

I don't know if
we can go outside...

-Why did you bring it, Mark?

No way.

-Ahh. [ Laughs ]

-I am just, like, super,
super chill right now.

All right.

-Do it.
-Here it goes.

-Griffin, you will not be
creeped out by this,

I promise you.
-You'd be surprised.

-I promise, you will be
surprised at how

pleasant it is.
-Oh, yeah.

It's like a nice massage
for the hand.

-I am willing to put that
one on my bare hand,

if that one gets put away,
and that one gets covered up.

-Oh, yeah, do it.
-Dude, hold on a minute.

This one gets put away.
Wait, what was the other one?

Don't knock over
the black widow.

What was the other one?
What was the other one?

-Cover up the guy there.
-Cover up this one.

-In order to get us
to put the other spiders away,

Travis has agreed to let
a spider walk on his bare hand.

This is not a joke,
this is not a goof.

-Don't yell, don't freak out.
-But, like, three seconds.

-I wanna make this clear,
if Travis can do this,

Alice can have one
in her home somewhere, right?

-Sure.
-This is touching my bare skin.

-This is literally
Travis's biggest fear,

and he's about to face it.
-You want it on the table or...?

-Right on the table.
-Wait, is that still...

-For just, like,
a second, please.

-You ready?
-Yeah.

-It's just gonna walk across.
-Okay.

-There she goes, there she goes.
-It's not that bad.

it's very light.
-You'll be surprised,

it's not that bad at all.
-You're doing so good.

-You're doing
super good, Travis.

-She's just gonna walk.
-Just be calm.

-Just be calm,
and off to the other side.

-Be calm and don't freak out.
We're almost clear.

We're almost clear.

**

-Okay, Alex, now you
legally have to get the spider.

Travis did it, and now you
legally have to get one.

He's inspired a generation.

-Hey, thank you.

-Travis did a hit on Justin.

-Face, torso, or limb?

-I'll recreate it,
because I'm afraid if you

recreate it
you'll hurt Justin again.

So, it was basically like...

-No, oh god,
I'm flashing back.

So, here's the problem,
I'll give it to you straight,

we're gonna do a parade.

We're just trying to get
a pro-tarantula commercial.

Sorry, sorry.
Apologies.

Pro-ranchos commercials
blasted out on the airwaves.

Just like
a really tight 30.

Just about five percent sexy.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Tarantulas,

eight legs of justice.

-Don't get me wrong, we want
the rancho to be a little sexy.

-Hi, there.
-No.

-Let's get something
a little bit beachier in there.

-Cowabunga, dudes.

You know, down when
we are riding the waves,

and hanging 10,
the ranchos are right there,

but they're
hanging eight, man.

Ranchos are the coolest,
and I gotta tell you,

the babes dig
ranchos the most.

Eight legs of justice.
[ Laughter ]

-All right, we're making
a tarantula page,

because the business man
told us to.

Well, this is comedy poison.

Do a first post here.

Just say, like, "Hey everybody,
welcome to the club."

-Hope you enjoy...

-The.

-Experience.

-Of.
-Simply.

-Griffin, you're getting
a lot of articles.

I need a non-article word
here, please.

-Cybersex.
-[ Laughs ]

-No, hold on.
Hold on.

We might lose the...

-Blast off.

-Into.

-[ Laughing ] Cybersex.

[ Laughter ]

-Joe Biden.

-Perfect.

-Second post:
we've been hacked.

[ Laughter ]

-We prepared this presentation
for a couple people.

First off is, of course,
Alex, to remind her

that there is nothing
to be afraid of.

-Welcome to another
episode of The Ranchos.

-I wanna talk about
some of the troubles

we've had
in our marriage lately.

-No, please,
don't walk away.

-I feel like
it's all outside influence,

because people don't trust us.

I'm so ashamed,
I hide under the table.

-Alex's distrust of us

is really tearing
our marriage apart.

Philip, are you drunk again?
-A little bit.

-No, Philip,
don't go to bed angry.

-I have a hard day
at the accounting firm tomorrow.

They just made me partner.

-* So long, farewell
-Wait.

Wait, wait, come back.
Wait, please just hear me out.

-I've rethought
everything, and...

I'm sorry, I can't do anything
with these actors.

**

-I feel like a lot of people
are already buzzing about it.

We're having a tarantula
parade today.

-We're throwing a parade
for tarantulas.

-No tarantulas will be present,
as far as we know.

-That's not even a good job.
-I know, but I got the tape

on the poster already.
-Local teens.

-Look at all those
thought influencers.

-You're saying no?

-There won't be any.
Look, no tarantulas present.

It's good to go, boy.

You may have made
that the hardest

to read that it
could possibly be.

Ah, shit.

-Eww! It's the toilet water.

-Do you think the mayor's
gonna come, and,

more important question,
do you think anybody's

gonna tell on us
to the mayor?

-Okay, one, no.
Two, yes.

-Let's move out.

[ Band plays
Itsy Bitsy Spider ]

-Hello, thank you
for coming to our parade.

Alex,
let Dan get a tarantula.

[ Crowd chanting "Let Dan
get a tarantula." ]

Welcome,
citizens of Huntington,

to the first inaugural
spider parade.

Some people aren't looking.

How cool is your day?

I hope you all like
Itsy Bitsy Spider,

you're about
to hear it 50 times.

We're gonna do one more lap.

Come on y'all,
don't give up on me.

-We're turning around.

You're doing great,
that side of the parade.

-Just a few more times.
-Get the energy up.

-Where's that tune
I love so much?

-Hit me with that
one tune I need.

Come on you guys,
I know I need it.

-Hey, can I be King Rancho
for a while?

-Yeah, I guess.
-Now, I'm King Rancho

for this leg of the parade.

Dan should get a tarantula.

-Let Dan get a tarantula.

-There's an actual
helicopter filming this.

-I need my crown back.

Listen, we tried it,
for sure,

it just felt so weird.

-We did this
for you, Huntington.

-We grew up here.
We were one of you.

-But now look at us,
we have a parade.

[ Laughs ]

[ Crowd chanting
"Dan should get a tarantula" ]

-Please, please don't tell
the mayor about this.

-Please don't tell the mayor.

-The mayor would be
very disappointed

if he found out
we're doing this.

-No, no tell him to stop now.

[ Sirens wail,
car horns honk ]

-Okay, everybody, go ahead.
Get out of the street.

-I think we're done.
Parade immediately over.

Somebody called the mayor,
we gotta scrap this thing.

End of parade.

-End of parade.
-Now go home.

It is important that you don't
all leave in the same direction,

or that is just the continuation
of the parade.

**

-Hey, Griffin here
with another transition.

Hey, remember
the Budweiser frogs?

We can't use those.

So, these are just
three regular frogs.

They're hanging out
on their log,

and their talking
about a beverage brand.

And then, what's that up
in the sky?

It's an airplane.
Oh no, it's crashed.

It crashes into the swamp.

Who's coming out
to check on the wreckage?

It's Shrek, but he's blurred
out cuz we can't use Shrek.

It comes out,
and nobody's survived.

Just nobody survived.

And then, after a while,
star wipe.

Next scene.

-So, basically,
here's what we did:

we threw a tarantula parade
in downtown Huntington,

we blocked off
three blocks of traffic.

-And all of this --
All the while, we had people

chanting let Dan
get a tarantula over

and over and over again.

So, really,
for about a half hour

all of Huntington
stood still,

and everybody got together
and chanted your name.

-I hate the living bejesus
out of spiders.

I cannot stand them.
-Gotcha.

-By the end of interacting
with the real,

live actual tarantulas,

I let one crawl on my bare hand.
It was nothing.

-Alex, real quick,
I just wanna check in with you,

cuz now you've seen the depth
of our labors of love.

-Yes.
Just curious, like,

your emotional state right now.

Like, how you feel
about all the good,

hard work we've done
for you two.

-I appreciate the hard work
that you've done for Dan,

that's very kind.
-And for you.

I mean, it's mostly for you.
-Are you any closer to

a yes than you were
when we started?

-Not really.
-Are you kidding me?

-Not even a little?
We threw a parade.

-What?
A parade.

-We literally threw a parade.

-And that's super cool,
but that

would still require
a spider to live in my house.

-I have one last question,

cuz it seems like
this rancho thing

is maybe a nonstarter.

-If you don't say yes,

how do you guys think
this episode should end?

-I don't know.
-[ Laughs ]

-Yep, that's a fine response
to that.

**

-Dozen of Huntington citizens
were quite perplexed,

who showed up along
the Fourth Avenue route

to watch the Tuesday
afternoon tarantula parade.

It was filmed
for the McElroy brothers new

"My Brother, My Brother and Me"
Seeso TV show

set to air in 2017.
We'll see.

One, small,
umbrage I have

with the coverage
is the headline,

"Impromptu spider parade,

part of filming
for McElroy brothers show."

Should we demand a retraction?
Cuz it wasn't impromptu.

We worked for at least
28 hours on that thing.

-You can't throw
an impromptu parade?

That's just traffic.
-That's a stampede.

-Yeah.
-It's a mob. Yeah.

-I'm glad we were able
to create the episode

after the big,

bad hit at the beginning
of the episode.

-Oh, God.
-I would like to say...

I would like to take
this opportunity

to legitimately say
to my brother,

Justin,
I love you very much.

Sorry I did a hit on you.

-It's all right.

I shouldn't have
done that either.

I misjudged how much that was
a goof for the bit,

and I knew
you were afraid of it.

-Are you sellin' out? You're
sellin' out for Hollywood?

-No, we're gonna try to have
one fuckin' earnest moment.

-We're trying to have a nice
fucking moment, Dad.

-What made you think
we were selling out.

-No, I'm sorry.

-One fucking nice
moment betwixt brothers.

-Why does it
always have to be

fart, fart,
Ray Romano, fart?

-Things that we learned
from this episode:

one, it's wicked easy
to do a parade.

If you, at home, are watching
this, go do a parade.

It's easy as fuck.

-Also, they'll let anybody
do one, at all.

-Number two, Dan
and Alex went out

and they adopted the most
beautiful tarantula ever,

and we're seeing a picture
of them holding it right now.

And they're smiling,
and they look so happy.

-Number two, alternate,
we tried our best

to help get Dan a tarantula,
and he didn't.

And, if you think about it,

it was a very pushy move
on Dan's part.

So, I blame Dan, really.
-Yeah.

-If a parade
and a passionate,

violent battle
between two brothers

isn't enough to secure
a tarantula purchase...

-Battle's a strong word.

It was more of
an assassination attempt.

-Yeah, you tried
to assassinate our brother,

Justin, who we love very much.
-Yeah, for no reason.

-I don't remember it
like that.

-Number three, don't hit
under any circumstances.

-So, long story short Daddy,
are you proud of us?

-Well, you already said
you were proud of yourselves.

Yay!
-Good enough.

-Goodbye, Daddy.
-You don't need my pride.

-Bye, Dad.
-Bye, guys.

-You have to go.
-Thank you for not hitting me.

-No, Dad, you have to get up.
You have to get up and go.

No, no, no, no. You don't go cuz
you're feet are all wet,

and you'll fall and die.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, no.

-It's on the spaghetti.

-You got it on the getti.

-You got your foot water
on the spaghetti.

-We gotta use that
in the next scene.

-Please don't trip.
Please don't trip.

Please don't trip.
-He tripped!

-Oh, he's rolling down
the hill.

Oh, he's on the highway.

Oh, God,
he's bouncing between...

He's fine, he's fine.

He's up, he's fine.

Oh, he fell in the lake.

Oh, he's in the lake.

-Why are you filming?
Help our dad.

-Yeah, get her real --
get her just riled up for me.

-Can you see it?
-I see it.

-You can sorta see it.
-Mark, you nasty.

-So, what... [ Chuckles ]
-Mark, you nasty,

just pullin'
that web out that butt.