All language subtitles for The Conners s02e15_English

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Coming.

Hey.

Thanks for agreeing
to work here.

I didn't want to leave Mark
alone when he's sick.

Whoa!
Mark's sick?

You haven't touched him,
have you?

Uh, no.
Uh, he's in a huge bubble.

We're waiting
to chopper him out.

It's just that, uh, kid germs
kind of freak me out.

Okay, so, I shouldn't
touch you with his tray?

D-Don't!

Here.
Just stick out your tongue.

Lick a Kleenex.
Show me my man is brave.
What--

Ugh!

So, I just got off the phone
with the bank,

and apparently,
I've gone past overdraft

into something
they're gonna call "backdraft,"

which means I'm on fire.

[ Chuckles ]

I need money fast,
or I'm gonna lose my car.

Until we sell some ads,

there is no money
coming in.

And I'm out there
busting my ass,

but it is just really tough
to get people

to commit to a magazine
that doesn't exist yet.

So,
what are you saying?

Y-You're saying
this may not actually happen?

I don't know.

I told you,

new businesses are hard
to get off the ground.

Well, I mean,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I was barely getting by
when I had a job.

I haven't worked
in months.

I maxed out
all my credit cards,

including the one
that came in Becky's name

that she doesn't even
know about.

I'm gonna have to
get another job.

What am I gonna do?

Other than writing,
I'm basically unemployable.

Oh, come on.
You're gonna be fine.

You have
lots of skills.

Don't make me
name them.

Hi.
Are the machines empty?

Hey, um, it's great
to get to see you

when you come over
to do laundry.

Is there a way
I can enjoy your company

that doesn't cost me water
and electricity?

I'm not going
to the laundromat.

Last time,
I caught some weirdo

smelling one of my bras.

I don't care
if he works there.

It's not cool.

Hey, you know,

Harris works
at Price Warehouse.

Maybe she could help
get you a job there.

Oh, God.
Has it come to that?

Alright,
I guess I could ask her,

but she wouldn't even
let me work

in her pretend bakery
when she was 7.

She said
I depressed the customers.

[ Laughs ]

Hey.
Quick question.

Is Price Warehouse hiring?

Yeah.

Do you know someone
who's looking for a job?

I desperately need
a carpool buddy.

Yes, it's me,
your mommy.

Oh. Oh.

Ah, I just got
the newsletter.

All the positions
have been filled.

It's crazy timing.

Harris, I wouldn't ask
if I didn't really need this.

I'm gonna lose
my car.

Oof. Eye roll.

Okay, fine,
I'll refer you,

but I'm not
gonna lie to them.

I'll say you're my mother
and I kind of know you.

That's it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.
Oh. Hey, Beck.

Who's the dude
with Jackie?

She's dating him.

Okay.

For once,
I'm gonna vet the guy

before he leaves her
a shattered wreck.

Hey, Jack,
what's up?

Not much.
Good to see you, Dan.

Your takeout order's
on the counter.

Don't mind if I do.

Dan Conner,
Jackie's brother-in-law.

Ron Dunchak.
[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry
for interrupting,

but I love
to meet people.

What is it you do,
Ron?

I'm retired.

I had parsley farms.

Made a great living
on something

people pick
out of their food.

What a coincidence.

I throw away your product
every time I see it.

[ Laughs ]
Wow.

[ Door closes ]

I can't help admiring
that wedding ring, Ron.

What a beaut.

Happily married 30 years.

And here she is.
Hi.

I'm sorry. Becky told me
this was a date.

It is.

Dan, this is my lovely wife,
Janelle.

Hi, Dan.

I'm confused,
so I'm gonna go.

Have a nice time

doing whatever
each of you thinks this is.

What the hell
is going on?

You told me
she was dating that guy.

Oh, she is.

And the girl.

The guy
and the girl.

You getting this,
old-timer?

So, Jackie,
we're all having a great time.
Mm-hmm.

And it just seems like

things would naturally progress
to the next level.

And we were
just wondering,

how many times do you usually
go out with someone

before, you know,
you -- you sleep with them?

Oh, goodness,
um, pbst, I don't know.

Um, 30, 40 times.

Um, what were
you guys thinking?

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

So, we're there?

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

How does this work?

Do you go make a sandwich
while we're doing it,

and then
when you two are doing it,

do I go make a sandwich?

Or [Chuckles]
am I the sandwich?

[ Laughter ]

Ohh. Well...

Janelle thought all three of us
should be together.

Yeah, right, 'cause when
I Googled "thrupple,"

that seemed to be
pretty standard.

Yeah, I mean,
I think it would make everybody

the most comfortable.

I've never been
with a woman, Jackie. Have you?

Just myself,
but that has not gone well.

♪♪

Oh, hey, Harris.
What do you think?

Mother-daughter
beauty pageant.

We wear these?
Huh?

[ Chuckles ]

You got the job.
Congratulations.

So, who's going to
be training

our newest
and oldest team member?

Well, I was trying to decide
who was gonna train your mom.

Then, I thought,
"Hey, what's more comfortable

than being trained
by your own child?"

Yeah.
Um, do you have any kids?

No, I don't.

Oh, okay,
then this makes more sense.

[ Scoffs ] I can't believe
they're making me do this.

Oh, you think
this is bad for you?

Try taking orders
from the person

who took off her diaper

and made me chase her
through the airport.

Oh!
What was that?

That's Schneider.

He's one of our
automated associates

who sweeps the floor.

Oh.

I think he just hit me
on purpose.

[ Scoffs ]
It's a robot, Mom.

You're just so small,

he probably thought you were
something that fell off a shelf.

Okay,
let's get to work.

I am now
going to show you

how we do
the Price Warehouse fold.

Go. Arm.
[ Sighs ]

Arm.
Mm-hmm.

Shoulder.
Mm-hmm.

Shoulder.
Chop, flip.

Your turn.

[ Sighs ]

Uh, no.

No.

No.

Unh-unh.

No.

Good God, woman, does it have to
be exactly that way?

Yes.

Sheila is going to be
judging me

on how well
I train you.

So make sure everything
in this section

is folded properly
while I finish inventory.

Just follow
the one I did.

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

Arm...arm...

shoulder...shoulder...

chop...flip.

Oh, yeah!
Who's your mommy?

Um, oh, I'm sorry.

I think maybe your size
is on the bottom.

Uh, it's -- it's on
the bottom.

The bottom.

The very bottom.

It's on
the damn bottom.

No! Go home.

Uh, I am so sorry,
ma'am.

I'm a sales associate.
How may I help you?

I'm looking for
an XL.

Of course.

That is just right here
on the bottom.

[ Scoffs ]

Somebody should have told you.
[ Sighs ]

You can't tell the customers
to go home.

Not even
the stupid ones?

You asked
for this job,

and what you do
reflects on me.

So get it together
and fold these.

The first three letters
of "associate" are "ass."

What did you say?

What?
Oh, nothing.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Groans ]

How was
your first day?

Uh,
I folded sweatshirts

and a robot
pushed himself against me.

Did you report it?

'Cause you'll never win.

Robots cover up
for other robots.

The real problem is
they made Harris my boss.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God,
that's hilarious!

They just made me
a Price Warehouse
customer for life.

[ Door closes ]

[ Sighing ] Hey.

What the hell happened
to your face?
[ Chuckles ]

What do you mean,
what happened?

I shaved.

Without asking me?

I need your permission
to do something with my face?

Uh, well, yeah.
I'm the one that's got
to look at it all day.

[ Laughs ]

Well,
what's wrong with my face?

There's just
too much of it.

So, you're saying
I'm fat?

Oh, no, no, no,
of course not.

It's just, your face --
you got a fat face.

[ Beverly Rose crying ]

Oh, uh, hey,
bring little Bev up.

I'll take care of her
for you.

Nah, she's gonna look at
all this pale flesh

and be confused
because there's no nipple on it.

Look, I thought I'd have
a better shot at selling ads

as a clean-cut businessman,

and I was right.

These newly revealed dimples
just got the guy at Garage Depot

interested in running
a two-page spread.

Oh, my God,
that is fantastic!
[ Chuckles ]

Now I can tell Harris
I'm quitting

and then make her fold
all my sweatshirts.

Whoa!
Hang on.

Now,
he won't do anything

until he sees a sample
of the new magazine first,

so I need articles,
the layout, everything.

Alright, well,
how long do I have?

Well,
as soon as possible.

I don't want
to lose this guy.

And these dimples
only mesmerize for so long.

[ Coughing ]
Ugh.

I need more tissues.

What happened to Ben?!

He made a mistake
with his face.

He feels bad.
Go give him a hug.

N-No. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, uh,
what do you think?

Does this look right
for a fancy restaurant?

Should I change?
I should change.

You look fine.
Why are you so nervous?

Tonight's the night
with Ron and Janelle.

Uh, I, uh --

I shaved my entire body.

I don't know
who's going where,

so I cleared the decks.

Ready for this?

Yeah,
I really care about them,

and sex is a natural expression
of closeness

between...three people.

Sorry, I-I couldn't help
but overhear.

Can I offer a man's point of
view that might be helpful?

Sure.

Are you
out of your damn mind?!

You're a third wheel.

At some point, they're gonna
get tired of you

and you're gonna get
your heart broken.

You just don't understand
our relationship.

You're way too square
to get any of this.

I'm sorry,
but nature works a certain way.

Tea for? Two.

Bicycle built for?
Two.

Noah's ark --
two lions, two giraffes.

It's not
"Lady and the Tramp"

with another Tramp sucking on
the middle of the spaghetti.

Ew!

Ew!

That's...
not helpful, Dan.

I will make up my mind
in the moment,

and that's that.

I think it's exciting.

But if you change your mind,
remember,

"no" means "no"...

and "no."

♪♪

Oh, and I moved the
"Mug Shot of the Week" column

to the front page
so that it pops.

Oh, yeah,
that makes sense.

Hey, how are you able
to do this at work?

What are you doing?

Are you [Chuckles] --

Are you hiding
in a dressing room?

[ Knock on door ]

Sheila: Darlene,
are you in there?

Ooh, busted.
Later.

Hey, team, what are
you guys doing here?
Shouldn't you be working?

You're responsible
for your crew, Harris.

When they fail,
you fail.

And when you fail,
I fail.

And I am this close

to going to the managers'
conference in Branson.

Two words --
The...Judds.

Do you have any idea
how bad this makes me look?

You just
got me in huge trouble.

Well, I'm sorry.
I had to finish this.

It's really important.

So is your job.

Hey, can't you just
cover for me?

You know how many times
I got you out of P.E.?

If anybody had their period
that many times in a year,

they'd need
a transfusion.

This isn't P.E., Mom.

This is
the real world.

Uh, no, it isn't.

This is
the third ring of Hell,

where you fold
the same sweatshirt

over and over
for an eternity.

You know,
you're right.

You're way too good
for this place.

So I'm gonna save you the bother
of coming in anymore.

You're fired.

What?

You can't fire
your mother.

You're not my mother.

You're Darlene
from Women's Apparel,

and she sucks.

Don't forget to leave your vest
on the way out.

Oh!
Oh, no, not the vest!

Don't make me
leave the vest!

What will I wear
to meet the queen?!

♪♪

That dinner was amazing.

[ Chuckles ]
Right?

Lobster was a little garlicky,
don't you think?

It was, wasn't it?
Mints, everyone?

Oh. Yes.
Oh. Yeah.

Mm. Ron.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckles ]

Mm.

How about
some champagne?

Oh, yes,
I'll take a bottle.

[ Laughs ]
I'll get it.

Thanks, honey.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, well, wow.

"The History of Parsley."

Well [Chuckles] you don't
see that every day.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, uh, I guess
you got started without me.

Well, we, uh,
started talking about parsley,

and as you can imagine,
one thing led to another.

Ron,
I thought we agreed,

we were all
gonna do this together.

I was just trying to
break the ice, make
Jackie more comfortable.

Oh, no,
don't worry about me.

I've got a bottle of comfortable
right here.

I'm just saying that
I could have been in the room

when we were making Jackie
more comfortable.

We're all here
to have a good time, Janelle.

That's great.
When does my good time start?
Janelle.

Ron.

Hey, Ron, uh,
if you kiss Janelle,

we can all be even
and start fresh.

Maybe Ron's
tired of kissing me.

At least, that's what
he told the therapist.

I didn't say "tired of."

I said it felt
like work.

Time to clock in,
Ron.

Start kissing Janelle.

I don't think
Janelle wants to be kissed.

I think
Janelle wants to be mad.

Uh, you know,
I was, uh,

formerly Lanford's
leading life coach,

and I have found, what really
helps in situations --

You know, this isn't
gonna make you a man.

You failed at parsley,

and you failed
as a husband.

Everything you touch
dies!

Well, I've been touching myself
for 20 years,

and I'm not dead.

I love Jackie.

You love what,
now?

Come on, Jackie,
you feel it, too, don't you?

Uh, I think
this would be a good time

for me to get my swan
and skedaddle.

Take me with you,
Jackie.

No,
not happening, Ron.

I wanted a nice
old-fashioned threesome,

and you had to go
make it weird!

Oh, I have to vent
to somebody.

Your sister
is out of her mind.

I only put up with it

because she's a joy
to be around.

She completely disrespected me,
so I had to fire her.

She comes in and she starts
immediately screwing off,

and she gets me
in trouble.

She doesn't care
that she's ruining my life.

Well, she's horrible.

We thought you knew.

You really think
I'm ruining your life?

We got to talk.
Give us a minute.

Of course.

Don't try
to blame this on me.

You could have given me
a couple more hours

to finish the mockup.

You just don't get
that I'm an adult now

and this is actually
my career.

[ Scoffs ] Okay.

You want me
to treat you like an adult?

Here's a truth
I would never tell a kid.

I'm desperate.

Please.
We're all desperate.

No,
you don't get it.

If Mark and I weren't here,
living with your grandpa,

we would be
on the street.

What do you mean?

You're starting that magazine up
with Ben, right?

You're gonna be okay.

But that
may never happen.

And this is my only shot
at having some kind of future.

Wow.

I-I guess I didn't realize
how bad it was.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Well,
I appreciate that,

but you already fired me,
so it's too late.

Oh, I'm not sorry
I fired you.

I'm sorry
I called you a bitch.

No, you -- you didn't
call me a bitch.

I did, after you left.

♪♪

Hey, how'd your date go
last night?

Did you make God cry
with your triangle of sin?

No, Dan, I did not.

And you were wrong.

They did not
break up with me.

They broke up with each other
over me.

I'm so sorry,
Jackie.

Not as sorry
as I am.

I shaved places that were not
meant to have stubble.

Ugh.

Could light a match
off my inner thigh.

Guess what.

We're in business.

Just got a call
from the Garage Depot guy.

He loved the mockup
and committed for months!

Yes!
[ Laughs ]

This is amazing!

[ Laughs ]

Ye gods!
What did you do?!

What happened to
my beautiful hairy woodsman?

You know,
I do have feelings in here.

Aww.

Oh, it feels like
warm bologna

that's been sitting
in the sun.

Feel it.

Okay,
just come on,

get it
out of your system

so we can all get on
with our lives.

Gross. It's like
the bottom of a foot.

No, no,
it's softer.

It's like the flappy part
of an old woman's arm

when she's waving goodbye.

Okay, enough!

Dan,
help me out here.

Every man has the right
to shave his own face.

I, for one,
think it looks good.

I got tired of looking at
that alpaca's ass.

[ Door closes ]

Hi.

Hey,
what are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be
at work?

I got fired.

Aw, no.
Oh.

No, wait,
was it because of me?

No, stupid robot
replaced us all.

Turns out he wasn't just
sweeping the floors.

He was also
secretly doing inventory.

Are they still gonna help you
go to college?

No.
Oh.

Aw, man.
Sorry, honey.

Can I stay here tonight?

Yeah,
of course.

Hey, you know
it's gonna be okay, right?

Hey, cheer up.

Look at Ben's face.

It's funny,
right?

Looks like
somebody stuck eyes on a ham.

Hey, that couple over there
wants to talk to you.

I'm just helping out,
so I don't want to get involved.

Oh, man, I hope they didn't
order the lamb goulash.

I told Dwight
to throw that out.

No, they haven't
ordered anything yet.

I don't think
they're looking for the food.

They've both been
checking Jackie out.

I think they're looking for
a thrupple.

Oh, darn.

When you're in a small town,
I guess everybody talks.

Well, I know I told
everybody who came in.

Come over there
with me.

The guy's wearing
a giant cross.

Might be a weirdo.

Uh, may I help you?

Oh,
I certainly hope so.

But, honestly,

we're only looking for
one other person.

But we'd take two.

Well, I'm sorry.

I know
what you may have heard,

but I'm really not a part
of that lifestyle anymore.

What about the boy?

Well,
that's very flattering,

but the boy's
not interested, either.

[ Child laughs ]