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1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:02,536
-Mom.
-Yes?
2
00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:04,972
-Okay. I want
a big party this year.
-Serious?
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,208
-I want a quinceañera.
-Quinceañera?
4
00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:10,578
We can't do that.
We're too white for that.
We're not allowed.
5
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,292
*
6
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:31,865
Are you...
sure this is okay?
7
00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:33,934
Should we be doing this?
8
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,769
It's just Dave.
9
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:38,272
Yeah. Okay.
10
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:39,907
Do it.
11
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,322
You can go under the bra.
12
00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:55,956
YOUNG DAVE (over phone):
Elz, I felt them up
13
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:57,491
at the exact same time.
14
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:58,792
Oh, my God,
15
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,661
the breast meat is
the best kind of meat.
16
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,630
It's amazing.
It's so soft.
17
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:04,298
It's just... it's awesome.
18
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,800
-You felt them both up?
-And then Kayla said...
19
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:08,502
(echoing):
Now we want to feel you up.
20
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,671
YOUNG ELZ: There's no way
you let them touch your dick.
21
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:12,973
Actually, uh, uh...
22
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,443
I have AIDS.
23
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,312
Wait. What?!
24
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:20,314
CAROL:
David, hang up the phone
and come to our room right now.
25
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:22,516
-Mom?
-I've been listening
the whole time!
26
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:23,651
Right now!
27
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,419
DON:
They were doing what?
28
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:28,922
He was in a threesome with
Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.
29
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,924
DON: A-A threesome?
You're having sex?!
30
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,660
CAROL:
Well, he felt them up.
31
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,862
They're sitting around playing
grab-ass every day.
32
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,497
W-Wait a minute.
What does that mean?
33
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:37,998
He-he felt their breasts?
34
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,833
Did they touch your penis?
35
00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:42,670
This friend group is
way too fast for you, David.
36
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,037
What does it even matter?!
37
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:47,007
My dick is too messed up
to show a girl anyways!
38
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,009
What do you even mean
by that, David?
39
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,010
You...
40
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,012
Like... from the surgeries?
41
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,514
Yes!
42
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,349
Oh. I didn't know
43
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:57,851
this was still an issue
for you, honey.
44
00:01:57,885 --> 00:02:00,020
I mean, beyond cosmetically,
45
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,889
is there
a functionality problem,
46
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:04,792
-or is it...
-Functionality
is not the issue, Don.
47
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:07,561
It's the scarring,
the mislocated pee hole,
48
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,363
the second pee hole.
49
00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,698
Well, the second pee hole,
50
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,466
there's an easy fix to that,
as I recall.
51
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:13,967
There's another procedure.
52
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,036
I'm not wearing a diaper
for a year!
53
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,572
He doesn't want to wear
a diaper! He's fine
54
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,708
just plugging up the second hole
with his finger when he pees.
55
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:23,644
-We already decided that, Don.
-Okay.
56
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,879
How can I ever use it
with a girl? It's scarred.
57
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,048
It leaks. It's small.
It's...
58
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:31,719
Well, size doesn't matter,
sweetheart.
59
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,422
That's a myth.
Your father has a small penis.
60
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,056
It's average.
61
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,891
It is.
62
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,427
In America.
63
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,930
*
64
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,404
MIKE:
I disagree. No.
65
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,906
No, I-I told you,
I loved A Star Is Born.
66
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,908
I think it's a fantastic film.
67
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,944
*
68
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,617
(door closes)
69
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,524
(groans)
70
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,039
(woman on video speaks
indistinctly)
71
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,442
WOMAN:
Oh, you look so hard.
72
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,810
Yeah.
73
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:32,446
(woman moaning)
74
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,115
(grunting)
75
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:38,151
(grunting loudly)
76
00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:39,820
(panting)
77
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,229
(panting)
78
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:01,775
(exhales)
79
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,681
(closes zipper)
80
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,822
All right, man,
I'm going to the studio.
81
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,824
-Have a very productive day.
-I love you.
82
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,592
MIKE:
I love you.
83
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,829
-* I ate her ass *
-(gasps)
84
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,163
* She came, I gasped... *
85
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,665
-(music stops)
-Another.
86
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,500
Run it back, yep.
87
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:28,001
-* I ate her ass *
-(gasps)
88
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,870
-* She came... *
-(music stops)
-No?
89
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,507
-It's been too long.
-How you been?
90
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,008
Look at you,
you sweet baby face.
91
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,176
Well, I try.
92
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,011
DAVE:
I can't hear you.
93
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,013
-ELZ: Oh. Press the button.
-ALLY: Oh.
94
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,049
Hi! Surprise.
95
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,217
DAVE:
Hello. What a...
Yeah, what a surprise.
96
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,854
Is that a buffalo chicken
cheesesteak from Frank's?
97
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:50,123
-Yes. Good eye.
-Good idea, my cherub.
98
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:52,225
You're an angel sent from...
99
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,894
the Euphrates.
100
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,730
(chuckles)
That's in Iraq, but thank you.
101
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,699
-There's nothing wrong
with Iraq.
-I'm gonna set it over here.
102
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,568
DAVE (echoing):
How's your day going? Good?
103
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:03,136
So good.
Ooh, you sound... really cool.
104
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,539
DAVE (echoing):
Do I? Uh. Uh.
105
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,074
Uh-ooh! Yeah.
106
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,242
Let's not act like it's you
doing it yourself, though.
107
00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,244
There's, like,
mad plug-ins right now,
108
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:13,046
so he sounds like
an actual rapper.
109
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,549
Every rapper has delay
and reverb; it's very standard.
110
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:16,884
Ooh, I like it.
111
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,752
(echoing): Well,
I couldn't be more appreciative
112
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,554
of that sandwich.
I love you.
113
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:21,989
We have to finish this song.
114
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,156
-Okay.
-Can I FaceTime you
in a little bit
115
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,258
-when I get out of here
and we can...
-Okay.
116
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:26,894
Wait, wait, wait.
What's the actual rush?
117
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,996
Dave's making magic.
I'm here.
118
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,564
Uh, duh.
119
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,232
(laughs)
Okay.
120
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,234
I'd like to see
the magic happen.
121
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,003
If that's...
122
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,571
It's not that magical.
All I'm doing is breathing.
123
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,573
It's not necessarily
the most entertaining moment
124
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,575
-to see me in the studio.
-ALLY: I...
125
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,744
-live for breathing; I love it.
-(chuckles)
126
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:46,947
Great, run it back. Let's do
another... breath, please.
127
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,949
* It is weird yet lit *
128
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,584
* What a chain of events *
129
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:51,752
* I've been fucking *
130
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,754
* I ate her ass *
131
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:54,855
* She came, I gasped *
132
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,924
-(gasps)
-* I went... *
133
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,792
DAVE:
That was actually
a fairly good one.
134
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,128
And make the delay like,
"Ass, ass, ass, ass."
135
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,096
Like, fully wet "ass."
136
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,932
And stack them and...
137
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,100
-What do you call it? Uh...
-Moses.
138
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,936
Moses that fuckin' shit.
139
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,971
* I ate her ass,
she came, I gasped... *
-(gasps)
140
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,277
* I went again,
won't make my bed *
141
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,280
* My mom got pissed,
she said, "Don't rap." *
142
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:21,982
-Okay.
-You like that?
143
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,317
Uh... Mm.
I like the spirit of it.
144
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,620
In practice...
You know, I do just...
145
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:28,956
I had, like, so many
well-organized things there.
146
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,290
Uh, can I just, like...
147
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,059
'Cause I won't be able
to get past the...
148
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,127
-Okay. I'll meet you on the bed.
-Let me just...
149
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,796
straighten up,
tidy up a little bit.
150
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,799
Just a few choice items.
That'd be over here.
151
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,902
Turn the light down, like that.
152
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,236
Okay.
153
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:46,073
I'm just gonna angle
this lamp like that.
154
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:49,643
-I know, I'm just
in the unbuttoning process.
-Mm-hmm.
155
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:52,846
(sighs): And we are...
getting real close to blastoff.
156
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,314
Skinny jeans these days,
you know?
157
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:55,415
(Ally laughs)
158
00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:59,820
I'm very thirsty.
159
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,322
And I just want to nip this
in the bud before...
160
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,858
we get too far down
the rabbit hole.
161
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,363
(exhales):
Ah...
162
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,999
That was important.
163
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,934
-Mm-hmm. You good?
-Where were we?
164
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,769
(Ally laughs)
165
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,006
-I-I can't.
-No, no, no. No, no.
166
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,874
-I can't.
-I'm so close,
I'm so close, I'm so close.
167
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,376
I can't hold my weight up.
I can't. I'm... taxed.
168
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,378
Okay, get up, get up.
I'll turn around.
169
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,347
Oh, you... Oh.
170
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,282
-Backwards.
-(whispers): Yeah.
171
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,051
(both panting)
172
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,790
-Eat my ass.
-Huh?
173
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,162
(moaning, grunting)
174
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,799
ALLY:
Ooh.
175
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,401
(both panting)
176
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,840
Did you say something
at the end?
177
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,876
No, I-I...
You said something.
178
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,077
No. It was nothing.
179
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,379
Did you ask me to eat your ass?
180
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,248
Yeah.
181
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,383
-(whispers): Yeah.
-That's what you said?
182
00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:04,852
Yeah.
183
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,387
Were you, were you joking?
184
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:08,889
No.
185
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,891
-You were being serious?
-Yeah, I wasn't joking.
186
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:13,894
You were inside of me.
I wasn't making a joke.
187
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,896
You want me to eat your ass?
188
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,398
I did, yeah. Yes.
189
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:21,401
Al, I would never eat your ass
in a million years.
190
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:23,904
I'm just being really open
about that. Like, that's...
191
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,906
-Wow.
-And when I say "your,"
192
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,241
I do not mean, like,
your, like, asshole is worse
193
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,910
than, like, the typical asshole.
194
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,444
I would never eat
Rachel McAdams's asshole.
195
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,914
-I would never eat...
Beyoncé's asshole.
-Okay.
196
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,349
I would eat your ass
if you asked.
197
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:38,418
I would never put you
through that. Are you kidding?
198
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,954
My asshole is one of the most
disgusting places on Earth.
199
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,423
There's always debris and,
like, cake down there.
200
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:45,759
-You don't want to eat that.
-Cake?
201
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:47,260
Yeah. You don't want to find out
what that means.
202
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:50,097
Okay, well, I only said it
because of your song.
203
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,265
And you were rapping about it,
and I thought you might like it
204
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,267
and I might like it,
and it'd be fun
205
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,436
-to do together.
-I totally understand
206
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,939
what's happening now--
you heard it in the song.
207
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,440
Yeah.
208
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,942
Rap is a very
sexually charged genre.
209
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,276
Just 'cause you hear me
say something in a song
210
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,112
does not mean
that's what I want to do.
211
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,814
I'm just kind of, like, giving
the people what they want.
212
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,216
Okay, well, what do you want?
What do you want to do?
213
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,318
-About what?
-Sexually.
214
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:12,953
-Enlighten me.
-Uh, you don't-- you know,
215
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,487
I think you--
I don't think that, you know,
216
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,123
I don't think
there's much you don't know.
217
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,125
Like, missionary.
I like when you flip around.
218
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,993
No. I mean, okay,
what do you jerk off to?
219
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,463
Like, regular porn, honestly.
Like porn.
220
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,899
-What kind of porn?
What do you watch?
-Uh, HD.
221
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,300
-Dave.
-I'm serious. Like, high...
222
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,136
-I'm serious, too.
-High-- You'd be shocked
223
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,138
at how many things are, like,
below 720, and you get in there
224
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,473
-and you're handcuffed.
-Okay, but, like, what's
the weird thing that you watch?
225
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,508
-Everybody has, like,
a weird thing.
-Uh, I don't know.
226
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,477
-I don't have a weird thing.
Like, I...
-Yes, you do.
227
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:40,814
-Come on. Tell me. Tell me.
-Milking porn.
228
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:43,183
(gasps softly)
229
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,986
-Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get
under you now.
-ALLY: Okay, I get it.
230
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:48,488
So there's a big board
with a hole in it,
231
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,924
and the penis goes in the hole.
232
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,092
Yeah.
233
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,828
And then, I would go under it,
234
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,997
and that's the milking,
is the jerking off.
235
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:59,332
-Or would you want--
Do you want me to blow you?
-No, no, no.
236
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,034
-I could blow-- Like...
-No, no...
237
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,336
I don't want you to do any
of this to me. That's...
238
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,338
You asked me the weirdest thing
I've ever jerked off to; like,
239
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,874
this is what popped
into my head.
240
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,175
This is not me saying,
"Let's go do this."
241
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,210
Okay. I'm not, like,
242
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:12,045
-judging you or...
-Yeah. What?
243
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:15,515
-What?
-No, I know. Good.
244
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:18,185
-Is that-- Are we good?
-Y-Yeah. Yeah.
245
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,853
You're-- Uh, yeah.
246
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:21,021
-Okay.
-Milking.
247
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,023
Milking. Let's go to bed.
248
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,357
-Okay.
-Good night.
249
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,393
Good night.
250
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,398
-(sighs)
-I love you.
251
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:33,500
I love you as well.
252
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,540
MIKE:
Oh. I keep logging out
of my Apple I.D.,
253
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:42,876
and now I'm not gonna be able
to stream this Phish show.
254
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,578
-This is so annoying.
-What's Phish, bro?
255
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,916
-It's a band.
-Oh, that's why Dave's
all in a fucking trance.
256
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,384
'Cause he can't stream
his Phish.
257
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,386
No, I'm in a trance
because you ruined my life
258
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,088
and you let Ally stay
on the session.
259
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,890
She heard the rap I had
about eating ass,
260
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:58,425
and now she wants me
to eat her ass
261
00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:00,060
and do all these
crazy sexual things.
262
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,394
-You hear this?
-Yeah. You've ruined my life.
263
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,562
Thank you for allowing that.
264
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,164
Hold on, bro.
You be eating ass?
265
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,166
-No.
-We are just clearing a table,
266
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,168
but we can seat you
if you'll come this way.
267
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,070
Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.
268
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,571
Bro, you're upset with me
because she wants
269
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,073
to have cooler sex with you?
270
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,574
-I don't understand that.
-Yeah, exactly.
271
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,076
I don't want to have cooler sex.
272
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,078
I like my sex the way it is
where it's plain
273
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,913
and there's zero expectations.
274
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:22,916
I don't want to have to feel
like, "Oh, this girl needs
275
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,617
-her appetite whet,"
uh, you know?
-MIKE: Very smart.
276
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,920
That's how love lasts.
Boring sex. Smart.
277
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:30,423
Uh, it's 'cause you're
uncomfortable about your...
278
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:33,260
Yeah, yeah. Duh.
279
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,595
Hold on. Ain't no room for
no inside info at this table.
280
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,430
What's going on?
Catch me up to speed.
281
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,932
You can't tell anybody. They're,
like, the only two people
282
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:40,934
-that know this.
-Don't tell anybody.
283
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,435
-I'm not, man.
-DAVE: I'm serious. I'm...
284
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,937
-He's being dead serious.
-I'm-I'm locked in.
285
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,438
All right, so I have
birth defects on my penis,
286
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:46,940
and, like,
I had to have surgery on it.
287
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,475
Ah, I'm cool, bro.
I ain't trying to hear
288
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,110
all that, bro; we about to eat.
289
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,445
-Oh, okay. Well...
-MIKE: Yeah, it's really gross.
290
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,148
-ELZ: It's disgusting.
-It's-it's as gross
as you think it is.
291
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:56,950
-Ally doesn't even
know about it.
-GATA: So your girl
292
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,118
-has never seen your dick?
-Correct.
293
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,287
-That's crazy.
-Yeah. I control the lighting.
294
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,289
-Next subject.
Let's keep it rolling.
-What does she want
295
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,457
me to do? Start talking dirty
or something? Like...
296
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,626
Yeah. That's what people do.
They talk dirty during sex.
297
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,962
-Out of nowhere?
-Yes.
-That's what everybody does.
298
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:10,964
You're supposed to nibble
on her ear like Mike Tyson.
299
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:13,133
-All that type of stuff, bro.
You supposed to do all of that.
-I can't.
300
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,235
It's so out of character. I
can't all of a sudden just be,
301
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,137
like, a different person.
Like, that's crazy.
302
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,139
-What do you say, Gata?
-I say things like,
303
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,473
"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.
304
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,242
"You're the best thing
I've seen all day.
305
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:23,643
You're a fine display
of greatness at its greatest."
306
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,245
Can I have your phone number,
or no?
307
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,980
Uh, I don't have a phone.
308
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:28,481
Um, I'll be back to take
your order in a moment. Okay?
309
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,984
I'm impressed by the way
you talk to girls.
310
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,485
You have no fear,
even in today's climate,
311
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:34,154
-of being yourself.
-GATA: What?
312
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,356
He's talking about
the #MeToo movement.
313
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,258
-Oh. I'm with all of that.
-Yeah. Sexual harassment.
314
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,994
-But shit, I got to be me, too.
-Yeah.
315
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,329
All right. Can we get back
to the issue here?
316
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,331
What am I supposed to say
when I fuck my girlfriend?
317
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,166
-Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz.
-Am I first?
318
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,500
Spit in her mouth.
319
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,336
-Oh, my God.
-DAVE: I say, "Open your mouth,"
320
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,004
-and I go... (spits)
-Yeah.
321
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:52,272
-Yeah.
-She's gonna think I have...
322
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:53,606
like, I'm having, like,
a brain aneurysm.
323
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,608
-You got to try these things.
-All of this shit
324
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,277
is so ridiculous.
I'm not gonna be like,
325
00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:01,181
"Oh, you need this."
326
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,515
-Who the fuck
says things like that?
-No. What the fuck are you
327
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:03,550
-talking about?
-What is this, '70s porno?
-Yeah.
328
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,552
Okay, great.
What do you say, hotshot?
329
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:07,020
Why are you being so weird
about this? Why don't you
330
00:13:07,054 --> 00:13:08,455
just, like, watch porn with her?
Everybody does that
331
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,689
-with their girlfriend.
-DAVE: Yeah, why don't I say,
332
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,025
"Hey, Al.
Let me load up a video of a guy
333
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,361
with an 11 and a half-inch cock
made of meat."
334
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,695
-MIKE: Yeah.
-DAVE: "You can compare it
335
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,130
-to my shredded wheat dick..."
-Hold up.
336
00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:20,033
Hold up, man. Where the fuck
is my grill at, man?
337
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,368
I just had it right here
in a black napkin, man.
338
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:22,535
What the fuck?
339
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,204
-MIKE: What?
-Where the hell is my grill?
340
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,373
-Y'all not paying attention?
-ELZ: Not to your grill.
341
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:28,208
I don't give a fuck
about your grill.
342
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,542
He was cleaning up the table.
343
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,044
-DAVE: Okay, well...
-GATA: It's gone, though.
344
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,579
Is this, like,
a million-dollar grill?
345
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:35,148
-What's the...?
-Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.
346
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,484
All right. Think of it as, like,
one night of Hanukkah.
347
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,652
It's not a huge deal.
Oh, and then there you go.
348
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,388
Just like that. Problem solved.
349
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,390
-Doctor Zhivago.
-My nigga, dude.
350
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:44,724
(chuckles)
My nigga.
351
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,559
-The busboy had it.
-Thank you, bro.
352
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,061
I wouldn't expect y'all
to relate to it.
353
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:49,562
-I'm from the trenches, bro.
-What do you mean?
354
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:50,663
Don't loop me in
with these fucking guys.
355
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,065
I'm from the West Side
of Chicago.
356
00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:53,500
Yeah, don't loop me in
with this guy, either.
357
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,734
Look at me. We the same.
358
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,336
This nigga,
you know what I'm saying?
359
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,505
Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh,
you're the rich black kid."
360
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:01,074
No, I'm not the rich black kid.
My parents have money.
361
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:02,509
-But when I left...
-(Dave and Mike laugh)
362
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,077
-That has nothing to do with me.
-MIKE: That's the same shit.
363
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:06,113
I can do something
for you, too, man.
364
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:08,415
I can fix that streaming issue
you having to watch Phish.
365
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,749
-Can you seriously do that?
-GATA: Dude,
366
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,284
I'm like a black
Neil deGrasse Tyson.
367
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,453
-He is black.
-I know.
368
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:14,621
-DAVE: Hey.
-Oh.
369
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,456
How do I fuck my girlfriend?
370
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,595
It was just, like, such a shock
371
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:25,432
to hear him talk so explicitly
in his music.
372
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:27,267
Like, real Dave...
(sniffs)
373
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,768
-Oh, throw that away.
-Yeah.
374
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:32,539
Real Dave would never talk
like that. Like, it was
375
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:35,608
so manly
and, like, aggressive and hot.
376
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,110
-And, like...
-That's good.
377
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,212
-Right? Yeah.
And I was like, fuck it.
-Yeah.
378
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,114
I'll just fucking ask.
379
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:45,118
And then now it's
the most uncomfortable dyna--
380
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:47,620
It's insane
how uncomfortable it is now.
381
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,622
I love getting my ass eaten.
382
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,824
My last boyfriend liked that
more than fucking me.
383
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,793
Just lived down there.
384
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,795
That sounds so tight.
385
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,298
(sighs) And it sucks
because it has been great.
386
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,300
Like, I really have figured out
387
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,802
how to make myself come
really consistently,
388
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,138
which never happened with Rob.
389
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,473
I fucking hated Rob.
390
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,475
Wait. What do you mean,
make yourself come?
391
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,310
Dave doesn't make you come?
392
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,811
No, Dave...
393
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:15,815
It's-it's Dave's penis
inside of me.
394
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,151
Well, what is the sex like?
Do y'all fuck in silence?
395
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,653
No. There's passion and...
396
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,422
moaning.
397
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,491
-He moans.
-Moans?
398
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,326
So, y-you just lay there,
399
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,861
and he's silently humping you
and moaning?
400
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,497
Do you make eye contact?
401
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,165
No.
402
00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:35,835
I close my eyes to-to focus.
403
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:37,870
-To escape reality?
-No!
404
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:39,839
I'm not--
I'm saying I am, like...
405
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:43,510
you know,
focusing on picturing Dave.
406
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:46,513
Just, like,
a different version of Dave.
407
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,680
You're a teacher, Al.
408
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,682
You were made for this moment,
you know?
409
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,685
You just got to, like...
unlock him.
410
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:55,722
You know what I mean?
Just unlock him.
411
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,392
MIKE:
Yeah, we used to have a Regal.
412
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:00,893
And my dad likes the sauce,
so he got drunk
413
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:03,296
and smashed it against the tree.
Then we had a Cutlass.
414
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,797
That was my favorite family car.
415
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,699
-Damn, y'all had the Cutty?
For real?
-Mm-hmm.
416
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,468
-Them motherfuckers
is hard, bro.
-Yeah, they're...
417
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,203
What's up, bitch-ass nigga?
418
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,205
-What's up with you, bro?
-Do you see
what time it is, nigga?
419
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:13,240
Fuck all that talking.
420
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:14,374
-What's happening, nigga?
-Step up, then.
421
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:15,875
GATA:
I'm right here. You're doing
422
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:16,909
all that woofing, bro.
All that barking and shit.
423
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,245
-Step up then, nigga.
-MAN: Hey!
424
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,379
-Nigga, what's up, bro?
-Bitch ass.
425
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:20,880
I'm calling the cops.
426
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,549
-For what?
-Man, you lucky
427
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:23,883
-he gonna call the police.
-For what?
-Take it outside!
428
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:25,552
Nigga, he ain't about to do
nothing. He just talking, man.
429
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:26,719
You know where I'll be at, bro.
430
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:27,754
-Pop out, my nigga.
-CAZ: I'm-a see both y'all.
431
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:30,557
You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.
432
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,924
-I'm-a take one of these.
-Hey, you got to pay for that.
433
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,893
-Put it on that bitch-ass
nigga's tab.
-Oh, for real?
434
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,428
Oh, yeah, put it on my tab
435
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,497
'cause you ain't got no money,
though.
436
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,399
Damn, they got
Orange Vanilla Coke
437
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:42,235
in this motherfucker?
That's crazy.
438
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:43,570
This is crazy.
439
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:44,904
Where do you think
they import this from?
440
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:47,340
This shit look just like
your fucking hair, bro.
441
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:48,941
That's crazy.
442
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,777
Hey, don't worry
about that, bro.
443
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:53,413
How much you want for this,
papi?
444
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,248
(bottles clinking)
445
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:58,418
Aw, man. All we got is Stella,
Gata. You good with that?
446
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,420
-Yeah, I'm good.
But is it rosé, though?
-(bottle opens)
447
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,755
No, it's... it's beer.
448
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:06,259
Oh, that's cool, bro. I was
just expecting the finer things.
449
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:08,928
Hey, what was up with that guy
from the convenience store?
450
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:12,432
Oh, you worried about that old
poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?
451
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:13,766
Yeah, well, what-whatever, man.
452
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,935
(chuckles): I-I got shook,
I'm not gonna lie.
453
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,771
You-you handled it so well, man.
I'm-I'm trying to be like that.
454
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,640
You know, more Zen.
You were so calm.
455
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:22,442
Can you, like, see what's up
with the remote, though?
456
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:23,876
'Cause I'm trying
to watch this shit
457
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,446
-you over here
all excited about.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
458
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:27,947
*
459
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,649
Oh, shit, Gata!
460
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,818
What the fuck? You're the man.
461
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:32,952
How did you do that?
462
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,454
GATA:
I used to work for Geek Squad.
463
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,723
That's Phish.
Let's have some Phish, baby.
464
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,891
-Yeah. You like this?
Is this good?
-Hell yeah.
465
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,460
MIKE:
You get high, right?
466
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,628
Come on, man.
467
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,330
-Pass that bud, please.
-(chuckles)
468
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,398
(Transylvanian accent):
The bud is right here.
469
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:48,335
This is the vampire bud.
470
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:49,736
(both laugh)
471
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:50,970
(regular voice):
Have you biting people.
472
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,472
(sniffs)
Smell that.
473
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,842
-Oh, this is some bomb bomb.
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
474
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,644
But when they gonna stop
warming up, though?
475
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,312
Oh, no. This is the whole show.
476
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,314
This is what they do
the whole time, man.
477
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,350
Feel that. Feel that.
478
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,652
Feel that, dude.
(grunts)
479
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,020
(Ally moans)
480
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,789
(both breathing heavily)
481
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:12,992
Please.
482
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,027
What?
483
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,765
-I said please.
-Okay.
484
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,500
-You like that?
-Yeah.
485
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:23,336
Yeah. What do you,
what do you like specifically?
486
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,438
-(panting)
-Uh, uh...
487
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,340
Your feminine energy.
488
00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:28,508
(grunts)
Yeah.
489
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:29,842
Do you like how that feels?
490
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:31,544
Yeah. It feels...
491
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,346
just ideal.
492
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:34,681
You're so hard.
493
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,048
-I'm as hard as I can be.
I'm fully...
-Mm-hmm.
494
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,350
-I'm boned.
-Uh-huh.
495
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,486
-I'm fully hard.
-(panting)
496
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,689
(panting)
Yeah.
497
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:43,856
-Yeah. Yeah.
-(grunts)
498
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:46,693
Your pussy is premium.
499
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,529
(stammers)
Prime-time.
500
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:50,697
What do you want?
501
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:52,031
Uh, what do I want?
502
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,633
Yeah. What do you want, Dave?
Tell me what you want.
503
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,067
-I want every fucking nook.
-Okay.
504
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:58,371
-I want the whole kit
and caboodle...
-Uh-huh. It's yours.
505
00:18:58,405 --> 00:18:59,572
-Give me the full pussy.
-Uh-huh.
506
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:00,707
-Give me your full pussy
right now.
-It's yours.
507
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:01,808
-Give me the puss.
-Where do you want to come?
508
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,976
Uh... There. Within you.
509
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,712
I mean, you can feel
how soaked I am, right?
510
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,714
-Uh-huh.
-With gush.
511
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:08,981
-(moaning)
-Oh, my God.
512
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,383
-Are you gonna cream?
-Mm-hmm.
513
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,551
-You're gonna come?
-Mm-hmm.
514
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:12,552
Cream.
515
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,421
-Come.
-Okay.
516
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:16,389
-Precum. Please come.
-You want me to come?
517
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:17,724
-Give me everything.
Give me everything.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
518
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,058
-Come. Come. Yeah, come.
-Okay, baby. Okay.
519
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,927
-Come. Do it. Come. Come.
-Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.
520
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:23,396
I'm coming.
(moaning)
521
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,998
(grunting)
522
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,735
(both panting)
523
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,570
Oh, my God.
524
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,105
(both panting)
525
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,074
That was...
526
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,744
great.
527
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,412
Amen, brother.
528
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:40,747
(exhales)
529
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,515
Did you come?
530
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,916
Yeah.
531
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:47,420
(both panting)
532
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,121
(sighs)
533
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,626
(sighs softly)
534
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:58,130
*
535
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,787
(grunts)
536
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,489
(exhales)
537
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,824
(grunting)
538
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,728
ALLY:
Dave?
539
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,129
-(knocking, doorknob rattling)
-Occupied!
540
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,831
-I got to pee.
-Uh...
541
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,166
Okay, well, I'm pooping!
Can I have a second?
542
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,802
I can hear you walking around.
543
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,638
Yeah. I stand when I wipe.
544
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,973
-Okay. Please hurry.
I got to go.
-Uh...
545
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,175
Okay, what about--
Mike's not home.
546
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,512
Can you-- Just go in the sink.
547
00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:47,146
I'm not gonna pee in the sink.
548
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,748
Can you be quick?
I have to go.
549
00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:50,182
All right, well...
550
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:52,084
Okay, just hurry up.
Please, please, please,
551
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:54,487
please, please, please.
Are you okay?
552
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,155
Yes, I'm just wiping!
553
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:58,024
-Will you hurry up?
I really have to go.
-I'm finishing!
554
00:20:58,124 --> 00:21:01,027
(toilet flushing)
555
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,496
-Go. Geez Louise.
-Oh, my God. Thank you,
thank you, thank you,
556
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:04,664
-thank you, thank you.
-Uh, I don't know.
557
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:06,032
Must've tracked this in here.
558
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:07,934
(exhales)
559
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,836
-(urinating)
-(sighs)
560
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:12,539
Very strong pee-- I can tell
it was, in fact, urgent.
561
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:15,041
I know. I wasn't, like--
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
562
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:17,043
is that?
563
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:20,212
Dave, what is that?
564
00:21:20,313 --> 00:21:22,014
What-what is that?
565
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:24,517
It is...
566
00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:26,519
called a Fuck Me Silly 3.
567
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:27,720
Oh, my God.
568
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,722
Oh, my God,
please take it out.
569
00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,524
-Take it out?
-Please take it out.
570
00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:33,192
A Fuck Me Silly, Da--
571
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:35,061
Oh, my God.
Why is it so heavy?
572
00:21:35,161 --> 00:21:36,195
Where is the other half?
573
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:38,030
Oh, my God!
574
00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:40,567
Dave, do you fuck this?
575
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:42,201
You know, you just asked me
three questions.
576
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:43,703
Why is it so heavy?
577
00:21:43,736 --> 00:21:45,872
I assume, uh,
to simulate humanity.
578
00:21:45,905 --> 00:21:47,239
-Oh, my God.
-Top half?
579
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:49,909
I don't know anything
about that. And...
580
00:21:50,009 --> 00:21:52,044
We just had great sex.
What are you... doing?
581
00:21:52,078 --> 00:21:53,713
You say we have great sex.
582
00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:55,715
To me, that sex was,
like, unbearable!
583
00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:56,916
-It was, like, warfare.
-Unbearable?!
584
00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:58,718
Yeah, I was, like,
surviving and advancing.
585
00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:00,086
I felt like
I was just surviving.
586
00:22:00,186 --> 00:22:02,555
I hate talking about how,
like, wet your pussy is
587
00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:05,224
-or how hard my dick is.
-Okay, so you don't like
talking dirty,
588
00:22:05,257 --> 00:22:08,260
-but you like fucking Jell-O
with feet?
-Yeah.
589
00:22:08,361 --> 00:22:10,262
Maybe I like doing it 'cause it
doesn't ask anything of me
590
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:12,064
and it has no expectations.
I don't have to, like,
591
00:22:12,098 --> 00:22:14,567
choke it or yell at it
as I fuck it.
592
00:22:14,601 --> 00:22:16,836
-I can just be in and out
and do my business.
-I didn't ask you to do any
593
00:22:16,869 --> 00:22:17,837
of those things, right?
594
00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:19,739
I just asked you to be open
595
00:22:19,772 --> 00:22:21,240
and, like, try something new.
596
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:22,909
And I asked you,
597
00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:25,578
"What's the weirdest thing
you jerked off to?"
598
00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:29,949
And this fucking A.I. bullshit
didn't occur to you, Dave?
599
00:22:30,049 --> 00:22:31,918
Well, it's not A.I.
600
00:22:31,951 --> 00:22:33,753
And I don't, like,
look at it and jerk off.
601
00:22:33,786 --> 00:22:35,287
I don't jerk off to it.
I didn't lie.
602
00:22:35,388 --> 00:22:36,856
Right. You make love to it.
603
00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:38,591
-That's what I should've asked.
-I don't make love.
604
00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,092
-It's platonic. It's...
-Cool.
605
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:42,261
So, sex
with your human girlfriend
606
00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:44,797
is unbearable warfare,
607
00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:46,699
and you can't even tolerate
having, like,
608
00:22:46,733 --> 00:22:49,135
a conversation
with me about sex?
609
00:22:49,235 --> 00:22:51,938
And I-I feel like I'm trying
to figure out what you want,
610
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:53,606
and you're just not telling me
the truth.
611
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,274
Like, what am I
missing here, okay?
612
00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:56,943
I feel like I'm taking
crazy pills!
613
00:22:56,976 --> 00:22:59,812
I was born
with a fucked-up dick!
614
00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:04,116
Dave, your penis is normal.
615
00:23:04,150 --> 00:23:06,986
Uh, you've--
you have never seen my dick.
616
00:23:07,086 --> 00:23:09,956
Yes, I have.
617
00:23:09,989 --> 00:23:11,624
I know you think you ha--
Um, honestly, like,
618
00:23:11,658 --> 00:23:13,159
it's my life's work to make sure
you don't see it.
619
00:23:13,259 --> 00:23:15,294
Like, I spend every moment
plotting the lighting
620
00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:17,129
and the angles.
If you've seen it,
621
00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:18,731
-what does my dick look like?
-It looks
622
00:23:18,765 --> 00:23:21,067
like a fucking dick, Dave.
623
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:23,670
Now I know you haven't seen it.
624
00:23:24,671 --> 00:23:26,305
-You're leaving?
-Yes.
625
00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:27,974
We're talking in circles,
626
00:23:28,007 --> 00:23:30,342
and you clearly don't want
to talk.
627
00:23:31,678 --> 00:23:33,980
I was born
with a tangled urethra.
628
00:23:34,013 --> 00:23:36,983
So, when I came out,
they did surgery on me.
629
00:23:37,016 --> 00:23:38,818
Okay?
There's scarring down there.
630
00:23:38,851 --> 00:23:40,987
I also have a birth defect
called hypospadias
631
00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:42,154
that one in 300 guys have,
632
00:23:42,188 --> 00:23:44,691
where the pee hole
isn't in the center of the head.
633
00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:47,026
It's, like-- For me, it's on
the underneath part of my head.
634
00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:50,029
There were also these small
black dots on my dick
635
00:23:50,129 --> 00:23:51,664
that looked like poppy seeds.
636
00:23:51,698 --> 00:23:53,332
I got 'em removed,
'cause it was humiliating.
637
00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:55,702
And one of the poppy seeds
got removed too far
638
00:23:55,802 --> 00:23:57,770
on the underside of my shaft,
so now, when I pee,
639
00:23:57,804 --> 00:24:00,840
it's out of two different holes,
like a Super Soaker.
640
00:24:00,873 --> 00:24:03,009
That's why I pee sitting down.
If I didn't pee sitting down,
641
00:24:03,042 --> 00:24:05,011
I would just piss
all over my own body.
642
00:24:05,044 --> 00:24:06,779
And when I'm in public
and I'm at a urinal,
643
00:24:06,813 --> 00:24:08,347
I clog the second hole
with my finger.
644
00:24:08,380 --> 00:24:11,684
There's just a lot of stuff.
645
00:24:11,718 --> 00:24:15,187
Why is this the first time
I'm hearing about it?
646
00:24:15,221 --> 00:24:16,889
I don't know, Al.
There was never a great time
647
00:24:16,989 --> 00:24:18,858
to pull you aside and say,
"Hey, my dick
648
00:24:18,891 --> 00:24:21,393
looks like an old pile
of worms."
649
00:24:23,162 --> 00:24:26,365
Don't leave.
650
00:24:26,398 --> 00:24:28,134
Show me.
651
00:24:29,168 --> 00:24:30,870
No.
652
00:24:30,903 --> 00:24:33,139
I love you. I know
it'll make me feel better.
653
00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:34,841
I think
it'll make you feel better.
654
00:24:35,908 --> 00:24:38,144
Al, first off,
I'm soft as a mouse.
655
00:24:38,177 --> 00:24:39,345
I'm not gonna show you
this vers...
656
00:24:41,748 --> 00:24:44,050
That was easy.
657
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:45,885
Yeah.
658
00:24:45,918 --> 00:24:47,419
Trust me.
659
00:24:48,921 --> 00:24:50,923
(sighs)
660
00:24:57,930 --> 00:24:59,766
Okay. Cool.
661
00:24:59,866 --> 00:25:02,434
That's a stand-up boner.
662
00:25:02,535 --> 00:25:05,004
-I love you.
-I love you.
663
00:25:05,037 --> 00:25:07,006
(kisses)
I love it.
664
00:25:07,039 --> 00:25:08,240
Great.
665
00:25:08,274 --> 00:25:10,276
Good night.
666
00:25:15,782 --> 00:25:18,417
-(sighs)
-(TV playing indistinctly)
667
00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:21,087
(phone chimes)
668
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,421
WEATHERMAN:
Increasing cloudiness tomorrow.
669
00:25:22,454 --> 00:25:25,257
Sticky and humid
with a high of 96.
670
00:25:25,291 --> 00:25:27,927
With the winds out of the east
at 14 miles per hour,
671
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,097
it's currently 75 degrees...
672
00:25:31,130 --> 00:25:33,465
(crickets chirping)
673
00:25:37,303 --> 00:25:39,939
What on earth is going on?
674
00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:43,375
(singsongy):
Surprise!
675
00:25:43,409 --> 00:25:46,946
It's your very own
milking table.
676
00:25:46,979 --> 00:25:48,280
How did you...
677
00:25:48,314 --> 00:25:51,283
Just get on the table,
put your dick in the hole
678
00:25:51,317 --> 00:25:54,286
and I'm gonna milk
the cream out of you.
679
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,388
This is unbelievable.
Did you, like, hire, like,
680
00:25:56,422 --> 00:25:58,457
-a TaskRabbit to do this?
-Okay, so I've been thinking
about it.
681
00:25:58,490 --> 00:26:01,961
I think that you jerk off
to milking table porn
682
00:26:01,994 --> 00:26:05,297
because it's just the dick
and the girl.
683
00:26:05,331 --> 00:26:06,966
Right? So it's
your biggest insecurity.
684
00:26:06,999 --> 00:26:08,134
It's your biggest fear.
685
00:26:08,167 --> 00:26:11,137
Which means
it's your ultimate fantasy.
686
00:26:11,170 --> 00:26:12,839
Oh, my God.
687
00:26:12,939 --> 00:26:14,006
Yeah.
688
00:26:14,106 --> 00:26:16,342
And, last night,
we did what I wanted to do.
689
00:26:16,442 --> 00:26:18,978
So, tonight, we could do
what you want to do.
690
00:26:19,011 --> 00:26:20,512
And, tomorrow,
we could do what we want.
691
00:26:20,613 --> 00:26:23,415
And that's intimacy, right?
692
00:26:24,516 --> 00:26:25,985
-Mm.
-I love you so much.
693
00:26:26,018 --> 00:26:26,986
I love you.
694
00:26:27,019 --> 00:26:28,254
Not only are you gonna milk me,
695
00:26:28,287 --> 00:26:29,856
I'm gonna milk you.
696
00:26:29,956 --> 00:26:31,924
Mandatory strip right now.
I'm eating your asshole.
697
00:26:31,958 --> 00:26:33,525
-Do it right now.
Take off your clothes.
-Really?
698
00:26:33,626 --> 00:26:36,028
-Mandatory strip.
That's right. Yeah.
-Oh, my God.
699
00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:39,531
Get up there right now.
I'm gonna milk your asshole.
700
00:26:39,632 --> 00:26:43,169
(grunts) I feel like,
f-for me, it's not milking.
701
00:26:43,202 --> 00:26:45,504
It-It's more like a gerbil
and its bottle.
702
00:26:45,537 --> 00:26:46,939
Whatever it is, let's do it.
703
00:26:46,973 --> 00:26:49,041
-I'm ready to ride the momentum.
-Okay.
704
00:26:55,047 --> 00:26:57,850
* What a girl wants,
what a girl needs *
705
00:26:57,884 --> 00:27:00,186
* What a girl wants,
what a girl n... *
706
00:27:00,219 --> 00:27:02,121
(garage door opening)
707
00:27:09,896 --> 00:27:11,898
Yo.
708
00:27:14,233 --> 00:27:17,636
I'm just-- I'm just gonna park
on the street.
709
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:21,173
(garage door closing)
710
00:27:25,411 --> 00:27:27,880
* Whoo, whoo, I'm still a kid,
look at my dick *
711
00:27:27,914 --> 00:27:31,217
-* But I make these hits
that'll shape your kids *
-* Yeah *
712
00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:34,220
* If I shake my hips,
they'll display their tits *
713
00:27:34,253 --> 00:27:35,554
* It is weird yet lit *
714
00:27:35,587 --> 00:27:37,223
* What a chain of events *
715
00:27:37,256 --> 00:27:38,891
* I've been fucking *
716
00:27:38,925 --> 00:27:40,226
* I ate her ass *
717
00:27:40,259 --> 00:27:41,894
* She came, I gasped *
718
00:27:41,928 --> 00:27:43,229
* I went again *
719
00:27:43,262 --> 00:27:45,064
-* Won't make my bed *
-* What? *
720
00:27:45,097 --> 00:27:46,498
* My mom got pissed *
721
00:27:46,532 --> 00:27:48,234
-* She said, "Don't rap" *
-* What? *
722
00:27:48,267 --> 00:27:49,902
* Guess what, I did *
723
00:27:49,936 --> 00:27:52,071
* Oh, yeah, all my haters' hands
up on their heads *
724
00:27:52,104 --> 00:27:53,405
-* Oh *
-* I'm abusing substances *
725
00:27:53,439 --> 00:27:56,008
-* With guys in the NFL *
-* Whoa *
726
00:27:56,042 --> 00:27:58,444
* I just stole a Perrier
from Kodak Black *
727
00:27:58,544 --> 00:28:00,913
* From his dressing room,
while he was onstage *
728
00:28:00,947 --> 00:28:02,414
* I was thirsty,
back up off me *
729
00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:03,582
* This is just hip-hop *
730
00:28:03,615 --> 00:28:05,584
* But my shit pop *
731
00:28:05,617 --> 00:28:06,953
-* I wear flip-flops *
-* Where? *
732
00:28:07,053 --> 00:28:08,254
* To my biz ops *
733
00:28:08,287 --> 00:28:09,588
-* Ain't no wristwatch *
-* Why? *
734
00:28:09,621 --> 00:28:11,257
* Pretty women all up
on my arm *
735
00:28:11,290 --> 00:28:13,459
* I don't think I need to
get more charm. *
736
00:28:26,305 --> 00:28:28,875
-I'm a
once-in-a-generation artist.
-Oh.
737
00:28:28,908 --> 00:28:31,978
Who just got verified
on Twitter, about,
what, nine days ago?
738
00:28:32,078 --> 00:28:34,280
I'm glad you feel good
that a robot told you
you're worth it.
739
00:28:34,313 --> 00:28:35,714
* Hi, I'm Dave *
740
00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:48,160
Do me a favor?
Never look me in the eye again.
741
00:28:48,260 --> 00:28:51,163
Okay? 'Cause your stare
is way too intense.
742
00:28:51,263 --> 00:28:52,999
It's starting to make
my hair fall out.
743
00:28:58,270 --> 00:29:00,739
CHILDREN: Mummy! Mummy!
744
00:29:00,773 --> 00:29:03,309
(high-pitched voice)
Mummy isn't here.
Try next door.
745
00:29:03,342 --> 00:29:04,576
CHILDREN: Mummy!
746
00:29:04,610 --> 00:29:07,814
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
No, got the wrong house.
747
00:29:10,616 --> 00:29:11,683
What is Devs?
748
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:15,321
What is Devs?
749
00:29:15,354 --> 00:29:16,789
What is Devs?
750
00:29:17,857 --> 00:29:19,458
What is Devs?
751
00:29:20,326 --> 00:29:21,493
What is Devs?
752
00:29:22,261 --> 00:29:23,595
What is Devs?
753
00:29:23,629 --> 00:29:26,032
-(inaudible)
-What is Devs?
754
00:29:30,369 --> 00:29:31,637
(screams)
755
00:29:40,312 --> 00:29:43,015
-(operatic singing)
-(chattering)
756
00:29:50,356 --> 00:29:51,457
MAN: Check!
757
00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:53,960
Check.
56110
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