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# There's a woman in my life
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# Who doesn't care for a thing
3
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# She don't wanna go out dancing
4
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# She just loves to stay in
5
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# She just cares about good loving
6
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#Never leaves me alone
7
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# If I'm not prepared for action
8
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# She goes out on her own
9
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# The woman is love crazy
10
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# She's loving all night
11
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# The woman is love crazy
12
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# Won't stop for a bite
13
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# The woman is love crazy
14
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# She's out on her own
15
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# Sometimes I work so hard
16
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# I wish she'd leave me alone
17
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# The woman is love crazy
18
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# She's loving all night
19
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# The woman is love crazy
20
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# Won't stop for a bite
21
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# The woman is love crazy
22
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# She's out on her own
23
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# Sometimes it gets so hard
24
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# I just don't wanna go home
25
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# If the feeling ever takes her
26
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# She don't care where we are
27
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# It's good loving in the disco
28
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# It's good loving in the car
29
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Madam... champagne?
30
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Or is there anything madam would?
31
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(Sighs)
32
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Steward?
33
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Steward?
34
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Are you coming?
35
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Oh, dear!
36
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Oh, dear!
37
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# I wish the woman liked dancing
38
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# I wish she played the guitar
39
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# I'd like to teach her a new game
40
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# I feel a bit under par
41
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# I wish she played the piano
42
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# Before my knees hit the floor
43
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# I've got to get her to slow down
44
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# I think I've had it for sure
45
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# The woman is love crazy
46
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# She's loving all night
47
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# The woman is love crazy
48
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# Won't stop for a bite
49
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# The woman is love crazy
50
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# She's out on her own
51
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# Sometimes I work so hard
52
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# I wish she'd leave it all alone
53
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# The woman is love crazy
54
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# She's loving all night
55
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# The woman is love crazy
56
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# Won't stop for a bite
57
00:02:47,799 --> 00:02:49,632
# The woman is love crazy
58
00:02:49,632 --> 00:02:52,234
# She's out on her own
59
00:02:52,234 --> 00:02:53,912
# Sometimes it gets so hard
60
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# I just don't wanna go home
61
00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:58,196
# The woman is love crazy
62
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# She's loving all night
63
00:03:00,077 --> 00:03:02,549
# The woman is love crazy
64
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:04,153
# Won't stop for a bite
65
00:03:04,153 --> 00:03:06,879
# The woman is love crazy
66
00:03:06,879 --> 00:03:08,632
# She's out on her own
67
00:03:08,632 --> 00:03:10,119
# Sometimes I work so hard
68
00:03:10,119 --> 00:03:11,872
# I wish she'd leave me alone
69
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,598
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.
I thought it was vacant.
70
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Oh, my God!
71
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,753
I think I'd better go.
72
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,035
Um, how do you do? How do you do?
Yes. My name's er...
73
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,792
Theodore Valentine.
74
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,271
You know, when the flight's over,
75
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you must come and have tea with me.
76
00:03:37,998 --> 00:03:39,433
You'd love Mother.
77
00:03:39,433 --> 00:03:41,476
She'd... she'd love you.
78
00:03:41,476 --> 00:03:42,913
She... she's very...
79
00:03:42,913 --> 00:03:43,633
(Tuts)
80
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,156
Mother makes me wear them. The weather...
81
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:49,155
Ooh!
82
00:03:49,155 --> 00:03:51,595
My glasses! Where...
83
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,149
Oh, crikey!
84
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,352
(Unzipping)
85
00:04:02,352 --> 00:04:04,635
Mummy! Ooh!
86
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,197
What is the purpose
of your visit to the United Kingdom?
87
00:04:30,197 --> 00:04:33,829
(French accent) I beg your pardon?
I'm still deaf from the flying.
88
00:04:33,829 --> 00:04:37,879
We are having to be very careful
who we are letting into this country, you know.
89
00:04:37,879 --> 00:04:39,188
How did you get in?
90
00:04:39,188 --> 00:04:43,717
- Oh, blimey! I'm totally British.
- May I have the question again, please?
91
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:47,952
What is the purpose
of your visit to the United Kingdom?
92
00:04:47,952 --> 00:04:50,918
To make ze friends, with ze British.
93
00:04:50,918 --> 00:04:53,753
Is the purpose of your visit
business or pleasure?
94
00:04:53,753 --> 00:04:55,592
Pleasure, definitely.
95
00:04:55,592 --> 00:04:57,989
Ah, then you are here as a tourist?
96
00:04:57,989 --> 00:05:01,868
I'm being reunited with my husband
after a long separation.
97
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:05,919
(Clears throat) Where is your husband now?
98
00:05:05,919 --> 00:05:07,956
He's probably in the bath.
99
00:05:07,956 --> 00:05:10,952
No, no. I mean,
is he already in the United Kingdom?
100
00:05:10,952 --> 00:05:13,315
Oh, yes. For a long time.
101
00:05:13,315 --> 00:05:16,710
- And how long do you intend to stay?
- With my husband?
102
00:05:16,710 --> 00:05:20,475
No, in our United Kingdom?
103
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,514
Does it matter? I am an EEC citizen.
104
00:05:24,514 --> 00:05:26,955
What are you going to be doing here?
105
00:05:26,955 --> 00:05:28,678
A little bit of this,
106
00:05:28,678 --> 00:05:31,194
and a little bit of that.
107
00:05:31,194 --> 00:05:34,033
Oh, please. You must not be doing that.
108
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,554
You are giving me naughty thoughts.
109
00:05:36,554 --> 00:05:37,993
Good.
110
00:05:37,993 --> 00:05:40,036
Er, will you be seeking employment?
111
00:05:40,036 --> 00:05:42,759
- I hope not.
- What is your husband's occupation?
112
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I am.
113
00:05:44,273 --> 00:05:47,636
Oh, dearie me! How does he earn his living?
114
00:05:47,636 --> 00:05:50,473
Ah, oui! In the service of his country.
115
00:05:50,473 --> 00:05:52,790
Could you be more explicit, please?
116
00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:54,871
Oh, oui, monsieur.
117
00:05:54,871 --> 00:05:56,996
I can be very explicit.
118
00:05:56,996 --> 00:05:59,196
About your husband.
119
00:05:59,196 --> 00:06:01,794
He is a very...
120
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:03,029
How you say?
121
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,314
...high-up man.
122
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:06,628
Is he important?
123
00:06:06,628 --> 00:06:08,233
Not impotent.
124
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,033
He has... other interests.
125
00:06:12,033 --> 00:06:13,633
What is his position?
126
00:06:13,633 --> 00:06:15,073
It varies.
127
00:06:15,073 --> 00:06:18,118
What is his profession or calling, please?
128
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He is ambassador.
129
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:27,395
(French accent)
Oh, yes. I am definitely developing.
130
00:06:27,395 --> 00:06:29,914
My ribs are rippling.
131
00:06:29,914 --> 00:06:33,276
My pectorals are positively pumping.
132
00:06:33,276 --> 00:06:35,828
And my thorax is throbbing.
133
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:36,875
(Twang)
134
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,915
I must get some stronger elastic.
135
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,875
- Can I help you?
- I am your mistress.
136
00:07:14,875 --> 00:07:17,315
Oh, my God!
137
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,597
I knew she'd catch up with me one day.
It's my own fault.
138
00:07:22,597 --> 00:07:24,875
Wait a minute. What am I talking about?
139
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,876
I haven't got a mistress.
140
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,637
I don't have a mistress.
141
00:07:32,637 --> 00:07:35,757
- You have now.
- I repeat, how can I help you?
142
00:07:35,757 --> 00:07:39,958
Well, to begin with,
you can tell the ambassador that his wife is here.
143
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,155
Where?
144
00:07:42,155 --> 00:07:44,037
Here. I am here.
145
00:07:44,037 --> 00:07:45,917
Are you sure?
146
00:07:45,917 --> 00:07:47,831
I'm positive I'm sure.
147
00:07:47,831 --> 00:07:49,876
I didn't know the ambassador had a wife.
148
00:07:49,876 --> 00:07:52,235
Now you know.
149
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,673
Madam.
150
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:01,755
Emmannuelle! Oh, what a wonderful surprise!
151
00:08:01,755 --> 00:08:03,796
I was not expecting you today.
152
00:08:03,796 --> 00:08:06,917
Otherwise I would have been at the airport
to meet you.
153
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,758
You must forgive my masculine odour.
I have been pumping iron.
154
00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:14,795
What is that?
155
00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:16,711
Er, weightlifting.
156
00:08:16,711 --> 00:08:19,872
Still the same... athletic Emile.
157
00:08:19,872 --> 00:08:26,991
A flabby ambassador with a derriere in pleats
is no advertisement for his country. But you...
158
00:08:26,991 --> 00:08:29,036
You, you haven't changed.
159
00:08:29,036 --> 00:08:31,111
I flew Concorde to surprise you.
160
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,156
Ah, la belle Concorde!
161
00:08:33,156 --> 00:08:37,916
How I love that long nose.
So phallic. So Francophallic.
162
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,956
Ah, that reminds me.
163
00:08:39,956 --> 00:08:43,316
You have not met my wonderful
English butler - Loins.
164
00:08:43,316 --> 00:08:45,436
Loins, this is my wife Emmannuelle.
165
00:08:45,436 --> 00:08:48,751
She has been travelling all around the world
and other places.
166
00:08:48,751 --> 00:08:50,478
Cherie, Loins.
167
00:08:50,478 --> 00:08:54,678
His Excellency meant Lyons, madam.
My name is Lyons.
168
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,390
I prefer Loins.
169
00:08:59,390 --> 00:09:01,675
Likewise, madam.
170
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,478
May I take your coat?
171
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,036
Come. Now I'm going to show you
172
00:09:09,036 --> 00:09:11,429
all over the houses.
173
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,552
Emmannuelle, you're naked!
174
00:09:15,552 --> 00:09:18,552
Sacre bleu! I forgot I wasn't wearing a dress.
175
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,476
- You're a naughty butler, Loins.
- (High-pitched) Yeah... hm-hm.
176
00:09:32,476 --> 00:09:34,391
Yes, madam.
177
00:09:34,391 --> 00:09:37,313
Yes, I think that is more appropriate
178
00:09:37,313 --> 00:09:39,152
for the wife of an ambassador.
179
00:09:39,152 --> 00:09:41,196
Phwoar!
180
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,557
- Who was that, Lyons?
- That, Mrs Dangle, is the new mistress.
181
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,636
Oh, fancy!
182
00:09:50,636 --> 00:09:52,950
Things might start looking up.
183
00:09:52,950 --> 00:09:54,792
I shouldn't be at all surprised.
184
00:09:54,792 --> 00:09:57,110
Hey, who was that?
185
00:09:57,110 --> 00:10:00,192
Richmond, that was the new mistress.
186
00:10:00,192 --> 00:10:02,748
Fancy that! Things ought to start looking up.
187
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,471
I have missed you, Emile.
188
00:10:15,471 --> 00:10:18,120
And I you, my love.
189
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:23,115
But don't forget our little arrangement still
stands. As long as you don't object
190
00:10:23,115 --> 00:10:27,716
to my body building, I don't object
to you finding your pleasures elsewhere.
191
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,949
And... what if I should seek
my pleasures with you?
192
00:10:32,949 --> 00:10:35,349
Oh, no. I can't spare a drop of adrenaline.
193
00:10:35,349 --> 00:10:37,908
You must think of me as a last resort.
194
00:10:37,908 --> 00:10:41,675
- Don't you want me just a little bit?
- Yes, just a little bit.
195
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:44,115
Show me how good you are at weightlifting.
196
00:10:44,115 --> 00:10:48,273
Lift me over your shoulders
and carry me over to the bed.
197
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,634
Are you mad?
198
00:10:49,634 --> 00:10:52,598
I've not yet learnt
how to do a snatch and press.
199
00:10:52,598 --> 00:10:57,276
Besides, I have a meeting
with the Foreign Minister shortly.
200
00:10:57,276 --> 00:11:00,079
And I have a meeting with the ambassador now.
201
00:11:00,079 --> 00:11:02,116
I have an appointment.
202
00:11:02,116 --> 00:11:05,476
We haven't made love since Paris,
before you were posted here.
203
00:11:05,476 --> 00:11:09,348
- Oh, surely it's not that long.
- It's long enough.
204
00:11:09,348 --> 00:11:10,236
Ooh!
205
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,073
Come, bury your head in my bosom.
206
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,515
No, no. I should have to keep coming up for air.
207
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:19,279
I am in the mood for playing games.
208
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,794
- Try badminton, hockey, bowls.
- Bowls?
209
00:11:21,794 --> 00:11:25,634
Yes, bowls. The English are mad about bowls.
Tennis bowl, volley-bowl.
210
00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:27,073
Foot-bowl. All kinds of b...
211
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,273
Excuse me, sir. I hope I'm not intruding.
212
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:36,150
- No, no, no. We were just discussing bowls.
- Bowls?
213
00:11:36,150 --> 00:11:39,357
I was having a work-up.
I mean I was getting worked out.
214
00:11:39,357 --> 00:11:40,953
Having a work-out.
215
00:11:40,953 --> 00:11:44,953
Yes. Will there be only fourteen guests
for dinner this evening, sir?
216
00:11:44,953 --> 00:11:47,349
Fourteen, yes. That is correct.
217
00:11:47,349 --> 00:11:49,510
Then I shall inform Mrs Dangle.
218
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,154
Come and lie with me, Emile.
219
00:11:53,154 --> 00:11:56,118
No, I must finish my exercises.
220
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,999
- I can give you much nicer exercises.
- No.
221
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,877
- I am all hot for you.
- Well, have a cold shower.
222
00:12:08,877 --> 00:12:11,679
That's what you said last time
and look what happened.
223
00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:14,320
Oh, yes. I couldn't find the stopcock.
224
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,790
- Caught you.
- Oh, it's you!
225
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,198
It is not nice to peep through keyholes.
226
00:12:22,198 --> 00:12:23,235
Sorry.
227
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,594
You are very rude.
228
00:12:27,594 --> 00:12:32,071
Gordon Bennett!
They're having a phonographic orgy.
229
00:12:32,071 --> 00:12:33,832
- Lift up your arms.
- What for?
230
00:12:33,832 --> 00:12:37,151
- Up, up, up.
- But I don't understand. Why should I lift?
231
00:12:37,151 --> 00:12:39,515
There. That didn't hurt, did it?
232
00:12:39,515 --> 00:12:42,239
- No, no, no.
- Don't be shy, cheri.
233
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,834
I'm not shy, I'm circumspect.
234
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:47,514
Come on. Don't make a meal of it. It's my turn.
235
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,433
- But you are trembling.
- Yes, of course, I'm cold.
236
00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:52,509
I'll warm you up.
237
00:12:52,509 --> 00:12:55,672
Oh, but why me?
You can have Tom, Dick or Harry.
238
00:12:55,672 --> 00:12:58,399
- I don't want Tom or Harry.
- Oh!
239
00:12:58,399 --> 00:13:00,675
She's got him in a leg lock.
240
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,359
Well, I used to do that when Henry was alive.
241
00:13:04,359 --> 00:13:06,556
I'm sure you didn't do it after he was dead.
242
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,117
- Here, what's he doing?
- Heavy breathing.
243
00:13:11,117 --> 00:13:12,315
Ooh!
244
00:13:12,315 --> 00:13:15,631
Oh, Richmond,
I think you should have a look at this.
245
00:13:15,631 --> 00:13:19,349
- Do you think he ought to at his age?
- It might jog his memory.
246
00:13:19,349 --> 00:13:22,591
- Here, what am I going to see?
- Well, it won't be the Muppet Show.
247
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,596
Is it... is it Starsky And Hutch?
248
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:28,717
If you ask me, it's more like Starkers And Crutch.
249
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,756
(Crunch)
250
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,518
Hello, hello, hello. What's all this, then?
251
00:13:42,518 --> 00:13:45,831
- It's what the butler saw.
- Here. They're at it.
252
00:13:45,831 --> 00:13:46,875
At what?
253
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,158
Here, hold my hat. Come on. Get off!
254
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,039
- Turn over!
- No, no, I don't like.
255
00:13:54,039 --> 00:13:57,317
- Emile, I am a woman.
- Yes, so I've noticed.
256
00:13:57,317 --> 00:13:59,675
I am your wife. You should not hide from me.
257
00:13:59,675 --> 00:14:01,876
There's not much to hide.
258
00:14:01,876 --> 00:14:04,599
Snow White meets the incredible shrinking man!
259
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:10,272
I will make you love me if it's the last thing I do.
260
00:14:10,272 --> 00:14:11,395
Aargh!
261
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,958
I think she's knackered him.
Come on. Back on the job.
262
00:14:15,958 --> 00:14:17,109
Get off!
263
00:14:17,109 --> 00:14:19,270
- What is the matter?
- You've broken it.
264
00:14:19,270 --> 00:14:21,430
Oh la la! Turn over and let me have a look.
265
00:14:21,430 --> 00:14:25,195
No, no, not that. My back. I can't move.
266
00:14:25,195 --> 00:14:28,829
- It's probably just cramp.
- No, no. I'm in agony.
267
00:14:28,829 --> 00:14:30,831
Straighten your legs.
268
00:14:30,831 --> 00:14:34,071
I can't straighten anything. I'm completely bent.
269
00:14:34,071 --> 00:14:36,993
- Bend back your toes.
- I caaan't... Oh!
270
00:14:36,993 --> 00:14:39,310
- Don't panic.
- I can't panic, either.
271
00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:40,355
Just lie still.
272
00:14:40,355 --> 00:14:43,000
What else do you think I'm doing,
you stupid fool?
273
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,356
I give up. I'm going to get changed
and I'm going out.
274
00:14:46,356 --> 00:14:49,398
- What for?
- I want Leyland to drive me around London.
275
00:14:49,398 --> 00:14:50,913
But what about me?
276
00:14:50,913 --> 00:14:54,879
Don't worry, my dear.
I'm sure you'll soon be feeling yourself again.
277
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,837
Is that you, Theodore?
278
00:15:09,837 --> 00:15:12,434
Who were you expecting? General Amin?
279
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:15,956
- I've warmed your slippers. They're in the oven.
- Thank you.
280
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,154
Warmed them? You've roasted them.
281
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:25,152
Oh, Mother, I do wish
you wouldn't fuss over me so.
282
00:15:25,152 --> 00:15:28,994
It's no trouble at all. I do it for your arthritis.
283
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,640
- I've never had arthritis.
- There you are. It works.
284
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,757
Have you had your vitamin C tablet
this morning?
285
00:15:34,757 --> 00:15:35,795
Yes, Mother.
286
00:15:35,795 --> 00:15:37,871
And your vitamin B tablet?
287
00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:40,679
- Yes, Mother.
- And your halibut oil capsule?
288
00:15:40,679 --> 00:15:44,036
Yes. I've had so many pills,
I'll soon need a stomach pump.
289
00:15:44,036 --> 00:15:46,509
Prevention is better than cure.
290
00:15:46,509 --> 00:15:50,195
Dr Jones said to me, "Mrs Valentine,
291
00:15:50,195 --> 00:15:53,670
your son Theodore is very delicate."
292
00:15:53,670 --> 00:15:56,593
With respect, Mother,
when he said it, I was six months old.
293
00:15:56,593 --> 00:15:59,035
He's a very clever doctor, Dr Jones.
294
00:15:59,035 --> 00:16:02,510
If you were at death's door,
he'd pull you through.
295
00:16:02,510 --> 00:16:04,556
That's what I'm afraid of.
296
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,598
Theodore, you're sickening for something.
297
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,391
Mother, come and sit down. I want to talk to you.
298
00:16:13,391 --> 00:16:14,435
Very well.
299
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,197
Now then, what shall we talk about?
300
00:16:20,197 --> 00:16:24,239
Mother, I've met someone that's very dear to me.
301
00:16:24,239 --> 00:16:26,117
Was it your Auntie Hilda, dear?
302
00:16:26,117 --> 00:16:29,397
No, Mother. I've met this girl.
303
00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:31,436
This wonderful girl.
304
00:16:31,436 --> 00:16:33,476
Don't be silly. There's no such thing.
305
00:16:33,476 --> 00:16:34,754
I think I'm in love.
306
00:16:34,754 --> 00:16:37,115
Oh, nonsense! You're far too young.
307
00:16:37,115 --> 00:16:39,430
I'm thirty-four, and a half.
308
00:16:39,430 --> 00:16:41,715
But you've got your whole life in front of you.
309
00:16:41,715 --> 00:16:45,110
You don't want to fritter it away
on some slip of a girl.
310
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:49,512
But, Mother, she's exquisite.
I know you'd like her.
311
00:16:49,512 --> 00:16:52,034
I wouldn't count on it, dear.
312
00:16:52,034 --> 00:16:56,910
- I'm going to marry her.
- Nonsense. I'll never give you my permission.
313
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,154
I don't need your permission, Mother.
314
00:17:00,154 --> 00:17:01,832
You're just like your father.
315
00:17:01,832 --> 00:17:06,198
He went off with some slip of a girl
and he never got my permission, either.
316
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,875
This your first time in London, is it?
317
00:17:34,875 --> 00:17:36,916
Well, keep your ears peeled,
318
00:17:36,916 --> 00:17:40,470
cos little old Leyland here's
gonna give you the grand tour.
319
00:17:40,470 --> 00:17:44,394
And why not? After all, I've lived here all my life,
320
00:17:44,394 --> 00:17:46,436
even before I was born.
321
00:17:46,436 --> 00:17:48,988
And believe me, no-one knows better than I do
322
00:17:48,988 --> 00:17:51,196
this is the greatest city in the world.
323
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,915
If you're feeling lonely,
why don't you come up here, eh?
324
00:17:55,915 --> 00:17:59,356
No? Oh, well. It ain't compulsory.
325
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,990
Now up here you see is Oxford Street.
326
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,671
That's where the tourists come
to do their shoplifting.
327
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,554
Oh, God! Laugh-a-minute Leyland,
they call me, up the morgue.
328
00:18:19,554 --> 00:18:22,598
Look, love.
You can see a lot better from up here.
329
00:18:22,598 --> 00:18:23,635
Eh?
330
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:30,792
Ah, well, perhaps I should put it on
automatic pilot and come back there with you.
331
00:18:30,792 --> 00:18:34,316
Cos I'm driving you now, you know,
in a Daimler pervertible.
332
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,199
The hood doesn't go down,
but the chauffeur does.
333
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:49,357
Well, we're heading
for Downing Street now, No.10.
334
00:18:49,357 --> 00:18:51,908
You've heard of that, eh?
335
00:18:51,908 --> 00:18:56,869
Cos not many people know that No.12 Downing
Street is the office of the government whips.
336
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,634
If you like that sort of thing.
337
00:19:00,634 --> 00:19:03,439
I'm feeling very hot.
338
00:19:03,439 --> 00:19:06,239
Yeah. I'm getting a bit warm myself.
339
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:12,030
Ah, now there's a sight to warm the cockles -
Trafalgar Square.
340
00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:14,873
And there it is, an inspiration to mankind.
341
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,433
Nelson's Column.
342
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,919
Lady Hamilton had it built to remember him by.
343
00:19:22,919 --> 00:19:25,389
Mind you, with a column like that,
344
00:19:25,389 --> 00:19:27,516
how could she forget him?
345
00:19:27,516 --> 00:19:29,113
(Leyland laughs)
346
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,075
It never fails.
347
00:19:42,075 --> 00:19:44,230
Next time round, I think I'll start here.
348
00:19:44,230 --> 00:19:45,833
Thank you, Lady Hamilton.
349
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,319
I want to see the guards getting changed.
350
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,715
They are very... sexy, these guards.
351
00:20:25,715 --> 00:20:28,792
When they get a butcher's at you,
you'd better be on guard.
352
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,433
What is the matter with them?
They never even looked at me.
353
00:20:36,433 --> 00:20:39,637
Well, they're not allowed to, not on duty.
354
00:20:39,637 --> 00:20:42,280
You could strip off in front of one of them guards,
355
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,033
and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.
356
00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:47,076
We shall see about that.
357
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:51,236
Drive me to St James's Palace, Leyland.
358
00:20:51,236 --> 00:20:53,629
# The woman is love crazy
359
00:20:53,629 --> 00:20:55,312
# She's loving all night
360
00:20:55,312 --> 00:20:57,789
# The woman is love crazy
361
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,472
# Won't stop for a bite
362
00:20:59,472 --> 00:21:01,869
# The woman is love crazy
363
00:21:01,869 --> 00:21:03,712
# She's out on her own
364
00:21:03,712 --> 00:21:05,392
# Sometimes I work so hard
365
00:21:05,392 --> 00:21:07,675
# I wish she'd leave me alone
366
00:21:07,675 --> 00:21:09,955
# The woman is love crazy
367
00:21:09,955 --> 00:21:11,871
# She's loving all night
368
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:14,190
# The woman is love crazy
369
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,872
# Won't stop for a bite
370
00:21:15,872 --> 00:21:18,110
# The woman is love crazy
371
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,156
# She's out on her own
372
00:21:20,156 --> 00:21:24,074
# Sometimes it gets so hard
I just don't want to go home
373
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:25,673
# If the feeling ever takes her
374
00:21:25,673 --> 00:21:28,115
# She don't care where we are
375
00:21:28,115 --> 00:21:29,758
# It's good loving in the disco
376
00:21:29,758 --> 00:21:32,308
# It's good loving in the car
377
00:21:32,308 --> 00:21:34,118
# But if I don't keep her happy
378
00:21:34,118 --> 00:21:35,599
# She would leave me, she would
379
00:21:35,599 --> 00:21:37,716
# So I got to hang on in there
380
00:21:37,716 --> 00:21:39,552
# Hang on in there, hang on in there
381
00:21:39,552 --> 00:21:42,677
# The woman is love crazy
382
00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:44,716
# She's loving all night
383
00:21:44,716 --> 00:21:46,631
# The woman is love crazy
384
00:21:46,631 --> 00:21:48,472
# Won't stop for a bite
385
00:21:48,472 --> 00:21:50,790
# The woman is love crazy
386
00:21:50,790 --> 00:21:52,791
# She's out on her own
387
00:21:52,791 --> 00:21:54,711
# Sometimes I work so hard
388
00:21:54,711 --> 00:21:56,711
# I wish she'd leave it all alone
389
00:21:56,711 --> 00:21:58,711
# The woman is love crazy
390
00:21:58,711 --> 00:22:00,995
# She's loving all night
391
00:22:00,995 --> 00:22:03,036
# The woman is love crazy
392
00:22:03,036 --> 00:22:05,680
# Won't stop for a bite
393
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,274
# The woman is love crazy
she's out on her own
394
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,189
Hello there, ducky.
395
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:38,032
Emmannuelle! I hope you're going
to wear something under that dress.
396
00:22:38,032 --> 00:22:40,076
Oh, yes. Chanel �5.
397
00:22:40,076 --> 00:22:44,711
No, no! Tonight you must be respectable.
You must be on your best behaviour.
398
00:22:44,711 --> 00:22:49,590
Everything you say and do
will reflect on our beloved Republic.
399
00:22:49,590 --> 00:22:52,592
But this is the latest from Paris. It shows style.
400
00:22:52,592 --> 00:22:56,514
It shows more than that. It shows
everything you've got. Well, almost.
401
00:22:56,514 --> 00:22:58,670
- Why's that so terrible?
- It's not nice!
402
00:22:58,670 --> 00:23:03,151
How would you like it if men were to walk about
in see-through trousers?
403
00:23:03,151 --> 00:23:05,196
I would like this very much.
404
00:23:05,196 --> 00:23:07,236
There is nothing wrong with the body.
405
00:23:07,236 --> 00:23:10,118
There is no need to flash it all over the place.
406
00:23:10,118 --> 00:23:13,636
I think we should all go round naked.
We'd all be much healthier.
407
00:23:13,636 --> 00:23:16,757
- We'd all be in bed with the flu.
- Nudity is perfectly natural.
408
00:23:16,757 --> 00:23:19,638
No, no. Even Adam and Eve had a fig leaf.
409
00:23:19,638 --> 00:23:22,029
You must dress in a way that is befitting
410
00:23:22,029 --> 00:23:24,395
for the wife of an ambassador.
411
00:23:24,395 --> 00:23:27,597
Especially in view of our distinguished guests -
412
00:23:27,597 --> 00:23:30,035
the Prime Minister,
413
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,756
the Metropolitan Commissioner of Police,
414
00:23:34,756 --> 00:23:39,038
the ambassador
for the United States of America,
415
00:23:39,038 --> 00:23:40,075
Excuse me.
416
00:23:40,075 --> 00:23:43,118
Field Marshal Hune, Chief of Staff,
417
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,795
the Arabian ambassador.
418
00:23:46,795 --> 00:23:48,233
(Slurps)
419
00:23:48,233 --> 00:23:53,599
The Lord Chief Justice of the Appeals Court
and Master of the Rolls,
420
00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:56,478
Admiral Sir John Hardiner,
421
00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:59,552
not to mention all their distinguished wives.
422
00:23:59,552 --> 00:24:03,030
- How do you do?
- Not very often, I'm afraid.
423
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,036
Too much bench, not enough wench.
424
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:12,473
I will say my wife is a better diplomat than I am.
425
00:24:12,473 --> 00:24:15,996
Yes, I have it off with everybody.
426
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,077
Hit. Hit it off.
427
00:24:20,077 --> 00:24:22,993
She means
she hit it off with everybody.
428
00:24:22,993 --> 00:24:26,675
Ah, yes. And what were you doing
in the Far East, my dear?
429
00:24:26,675 --> 00:24:29,877
Oh, nothing much. Sleeping around, mostly.
430
00:24:29,877 --> 00:24:35,830
Er... she means sleeping around
in many parts of the world.
431
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:39,912
Has it ever occurred to you
432
00:24:39,912 --> 00:24:43,037
how easy it would be at an occasion such as this
433
00:24:43,037 --> 00:24:44,917
to assassinate your husband?
434
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,996
Assassinate my husband?
435
00:24:47,996 --> 00:24:49,513
Who would want to do that?
436
00:24:49,513 --> 00:24:52,114
I would be more concerned about the method.
437
00:24:52,114 --> 00:24:52,834
But...
438
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,716
How could anyone do such a thing
here at the table?
439
00:24:57,716 --> 00:25:03,352
Easily. A weapon could be concealed
in a man's belt or in a holster strapped to his leg.
440
00:25:03,352 --> 00:25:05,954
A lady could have a gun under her skirt.
441
00:25:05,954 --> 00:25:07,678
Merde.
442
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,196
Assassinate my husband.
443
00:25:12,196 --> 00:25:14,316
That is more appropriate.
444
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,718
Oh, I've dropped my earring.
445
00:25:20,718 --> 00:25:25,476
- May I help, my dear?
- No! Oh, no, no. It's OK. I can manage.
446
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,075
Thank you.
447
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,873
- The cost of living must be brought down.
- Oh, I agree.
448
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:42,916
Everything's going up these days.
449
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:48,549
You're so right.
450
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:54,914
The wheel has... turned full circle in my country
now there's a...
451
00:25:54,914 --> 00:25:58,276
definite trend towards the swing
against the backlash.
452
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,399
Thank you.
453
00:26:10,399 --> 00:26:12,198
I didn't say anything.
454
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:19,750
In my country, it is the duty of women
to give pleasure to men.
455
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,638
I'm glad you agree.
456
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,438
Tell me, Admiral,
457
00:26:39,438 --> 00:26:42,478
how do you enjoy the Navy?
458
00:26:42,478 --> 00:26:45,632
Frankly, I can't stand the sea.
It makes me bloody sick.
459
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:05,395
Anything wrong?
460
00:27:05,395 --> 00:27:08,119
On the contrary.
461
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:22,317
Ooh, my goodness! What are you doing here?
462
00:27:22,317 --> 00:27:24,038
I'm looking for a weapon.
463
00:27:24,038 --> 00:27:26,190
Oh! You won't find one here.
464
00:27:26,190 --> 00:27:28,555
- I'm trying to protect you.
- Protect me?
465
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,675
EMMANNUELLE: I decided
to get to know my husband's friends a little...
466
00:27:43,675 --> 00:27:46,069
How you might say?
467
00:27:46,069 --> 00:27:47,513
...better.
468
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:25,756
EMMANNUELLE: I was satisfied.
469
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,110
None of them had a weapon to worry about.
470
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:44,110
These have arrived for you, madam.
471
00:29:44,110 --> 00:29:45,633
Oh, they're lovely.
472
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,279
They most certainly are, madam.
473
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:57,155
"To my darling adorable Emmannuelle.
474
00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,519
With all my love, Theodore."
475
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,669
Loins, who is Theodore?
476
00:30:07,669 --> 00:30:10,354
I haven't the slightest idea, madam.
477
00:30:10,354 --> 00:30:12,396
I don't know any Theodores.
478
00:30:12,396 --> 00:30:18,874
Oh, well. I always forget their names
long before I forget the important things.
479
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:21,359
Tell me, Loins.
480
00:30:21,359 --> 00:30:23,795
Do you, er...
481
00:30:23,795 --> 00:30:25,836
believe in free love?
482
00:30:25,836 --> 00:30:29,117
Anything free appeals to me, madam.
483
00:30:29,117 --> 00:30:33,557
And... do I appeal to you?
484
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:36,149
Yes, madam.
485
00:30:36,149 --> 00:30:39,471
Oh, Loins, you English are so frigid.
486
00:30:39,471 --> 00:30:41,516
Perhaps not so.
487
00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:46,269
After all, they do say
the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
488
00:30:46,269 --> 00:30:49,238
In the... eating?
489
00:30:49,238 --> 00:30:50,753
Yes, madam.
490
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:54,836
Are you hungry, Loins?
491
00:30:54,836 --> 00:30:58,151
I think I could manage a little nibble.
492
00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:02,875
Coffee?
493
00:31:02,875 --> 00:31:04,029
Pardon?
494
00:31:04,029 --> 00:31:07,749
- Are you for coffee?
- No, thanks. I'm staying here. I'd like coffee.
495
00:31:07,749 --> 00:31:10,718
Yeah. He's in a world of his own, you know.
496
00:31:10,718 --> 00:31:13,758
He hasn't been the same
since he looked through that keyhole.
497
00:31:13,758 --> 00:31:16,991
- I think it's disgusting.
- What? Having it off?
498
00:31:16,991 --> 00:31:20,914
Oh, don't be so crude!
You men are all the same, sex mad.
499
00:31:20,914 --> 00:31:22,956
Yeah, and proud of it. Eh, Richmond?
500
00:31:22,956 --> 00:31:24,837
- Pardon?
- Sex.
501
00:31:24,837 --> 00:31:26,911
No, thanks. I'd rather have some coffee.
502
00:31:26,911 --> 00:31:29,116
Ah, coffee.
503
00:31:29,116 --> 00:31:30,474
Oh, here we are.
504
00:31:30,474 --> 00:31:34,712
Here, me and Mrs Dangle,
we've just been talking about having it off.
505
00:31:34,712 --> 00:31:36,153
Rather you than me.
506
00:31:36,153 --> 00:31:38,515
Eh? No, not together, you berk!
507
00:31:38,515 --> 00:31:41,751
You've been a long time
just taking up a bunch of flowers.
508
00:31:41,751 --> 00:31:43,671
What have you been up to?
509
00:31:43,671 --> 00:31:47,992
Er, nothing at all, really.
Just a little intelligent conversation.
510
00:31:47,992 --> 00:31:50,036
Loins, you forgot these.
511
00:31:50,036 --> 00:31:52,873
(Laughs) You randy old retainer!
512
00:31:52,873 --> 00:31:54,632
Could I have a cup of coffee?
513
00:31:54,632 --> 00:31:56,790
You can have anything you want, madam.
514
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:04,316
Aye aye.
You've started his motor running. Look.
515
00:32:04,316 --> 00:32:05,753
Steady on, Richmond.
516
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,789
It's not proper, you being down below stairs.
517
00:32:10,789 --> 00:32:13,633
Why not? We are all human beings.
518
00:32:13,633 --> 00:32:17,269
There should be no class distinction.
I believe in brotherly love.
519
00:32:17,269 --> 00:32:19,078
Here, that's incest!
520
00:32:19,078 --> 00:32:21,993
Love is the most important thing in the world.
521
00:32:21,993 --> 00:32:23,115
Not to me, it isn't.
522
00:32:23,115 --> 00:32:26,875
That's because you've forgotten
what it's like to be loved by a man.
523
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:29,876
To feel the warmth of his body
524
00:32:29,876 --> 00:32:31,712
next to yours,
525
00:32:31,712 --> 00:32:35,031
to feel his hot kisses on your lips.
526
00:32:35,031 --> 00:32:37,076
You've started him off again.
527
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,240
We'll have to start putting bromide in his coffee.
528
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:47,480
Making love is wonderful.
You cannot be angry when you're making love.
529
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,198
Can't we talk about something else?
530
00:32:50,198 --> 00:32:54,637
Oh, no, it's good to talk about it.
It's important to get things off your breast.
531
00:32:54,637 --> 00:32:58,918
Now, I will tell you what we are going to do.
532
00:32:58,918 --> 00:33:04,870
We will all describe
our most unusual amorous experience.
533
00:33:04,870 --> 00:33:06,916
I couldn't possibly do that.
534
00:33:06,916 --> 00:33:09,514
Oh, yes, you can.
It will release your repressions.
535
00:33:09,514 --> 00:33:11,556
Who is going first?
536
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:14,556
I'll go first.
537
00:33:14,556 --> 00:33:17,478
- Leyland.
- Very well, Leyland. You have the floor.
538
00:33:17,478 --> 00:33:19,232
Face down, I hope.
539
00:33:19,232 --> 00:33:21,880
My most unusual experience
540
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,354
occurred one warm balmy evening last spring
541
00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:29,716
when this young man's fancy
lightly turned to thoughts of lust.
542
00:33:29,716 --> 00:33:32,394
Ooh, you fancy young men, do you?
543
00:33:32,394 --> 00:33:33,356
Mrs Dangle.
544
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,036
Feeling in the need of company,
545
00:33:37,036 --> 00:33:41,477
I transported myself to my favourite pub -
the Tit And Sparrow up Camden Passage.
546
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:50,110
It took me but a pint to make contact
with a beauteous chickie of the female gender
547
00:33:50,110 --> 00:33:52,839
what would turn any civilised man into a beast.
548
00:33:53,880 --> 00:34:00,069
Despite my natural shy reluctance,
she was insistent
549
00:34:00,069 --> 00:34:02,116
to the point of desperation.
550
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,633
She whisked me off to her luxury flat in Mayfair.
551
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:18,957
Where to say her intentions were dishonourable
would be an understatement.
552
00:34:18,957 --> 00:34:22,828
No sooner did we reach
her lavishly furnished penthouse
553
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:29,352
with the chandelier poised gracefully
over the nuptial couch,
554
00:34:29,352 --> 00:34:31,396
she removes my garmentation
555
00:34:31,396 --> 00:34:33,436
in a flash.
556
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,117
Whisks me between the sheets.
557
00:34:56,117 --> 00:34:59,875
I was about to satisfy herself
with my irresistible masculinity, when...
558
00:34:59,875 --> 00:35:02,269
(Shrieks) Oh, my husband!
559
00:35:02,269 --> 00:35:03,315
Her husband.
560
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,550
I shan't tell you exactly what happened
561
00:35:44,550 --> 00:35:46,596
when she joined me in the closet.
562
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:52,952
The details... are too pornographic,
even for you lot.
563
00:35:52,952 --> 00:35:55,349
Suffice to say that,
564
00:35:55,349 --> 00:35:57,396
despite the cramped confines,
565
00:35:57,396 --> 00:36:00,313
we achieved mutual satisfaction.
566
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:15,149
Ho, ho, ho, ho. My hangers!
567
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,513
It seems the lady had an unusual hang-up.
568
00:36:20,513 --> 00:36:23,353
She can only make love in a closet,
569
00:36:23,353 --> 00:36:24,759
standing up.
570
00:36:24,759 --> 00:36:26,796
She always arranged it that way.
571
00:36:26,796 --> 00:36:30,475
I found out later she was known
as the Closet Queen of Camden Town.
572
00:36:30,475 --> 00:36:32,835
Richmond, you can go next.
573
00:36:32,835 --> 00:36:33,875
Oh, thanks.
574
00:36:33,875 --> 00:36:37,236
No, no. After all,
he never gets a word in edgewise.
575
00:36:37,236 --> 00:36:40,198
He'd be lucky to get anything in,
edgewise or otherwise,
576
00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,111
- if you ask me.
- We didn't.
577
00:36:42,111 --> 00:36:44,430
- Richmond.
- Yeah?
578
00:36:44,430 --> 00:36:45,669
I...
579
00:36:45,669 --> 00:36:48,877
I'm not sure that I can remember all the details.
580
00:36:48,877 --> 00:36:50,518
Oh, come on!
581
00:36:50,518 --> 00:36:53,398
Tell us your most amorous escapade.
582
00:36:53,398 --> 00:36:55,835
It's that far back, he won't remember.
583
00:36:55,835 --> 00:36:58,195
Oh, yes, I do.
584
00:36:58,195 --> 00:37:01,431
It was during the war, when I was in the army.
585
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:05,633
Oh, those were dark days.
586
00:37:05,633 --> 00:37:08,678
You never knew
which minute was going to be your last.
587
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:13,596
You had to live dangerously,
588
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:19,956
and make every moment count.
589
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,031
I went to France to fight the enemy.
590
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:38,710
Ah! I surrender!
591
00:37:38,710 --> 00:37:40,756
Dans les bois, avec moi.
592
00:37:40,756 --> 00:37:42,398
Avec what?
593
00:37:42,398 --> 00:37:44,436
Oh, God!
594
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:49,276
It's never like this in Putney.
595
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:54,071
(Gasps)
596
00:37:54,071 --> 00:37:58,119
RICHMOND:
Ah! Ah, I surrender again! Ah!
597
00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:04,195
Komm.
598
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:16,791
Hands hoch, in the name of the Reich!
599
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:20,310
Not you, Fraulein. The British soldier!
600
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,356
Kurt, take ze prisoner away!
601
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,433
Now, Fraulein, you are quite safe.
602
00:38:36,433 --> 00:38:38,351
Oh, thank you.
603
00:38:38,351 --> 00:38:40,032
You are a fine-looking woman.
604
00:38:40,032 --> 00:38:41,553
Oh, naughty, naughty!
605
00:38:41,553 --> 00:38:44,029
- I like you.
- Oh, cheeky!
606
00:38:44,029 --> 00:38:46,554
- I am going to have you.
- No, no, you're not.
607
00:38:46,554 --> 00:38:50,315
Yes, I am. I need to caress a beautiful woman.
608
00:38:50,315 --> 00:38:52,630
You're going to get a hell of a shock if you do.
609
00:38:52,630 --> 00:38:54,676
Come, I want to have you!
610
00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:58,949
Gott im Himmel!
611
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:04,479
Englische Schweinhund!
612
00:39:15,720 --> 00:39:18,917
- Yes, my daughter?
- The Germans are after me, Father.
613
00:39:18,917 --> 00:39:23,073
Oh, mon Dieu! Don't worry, my child.
You can stay here for as long as you like.
614
00:39:23,073 --> 00:39:25,151
Yes? Where will I sleep?
615
00:39:25,151 --> 00:39:27,390
My niece won't mind you sharing her room.
616
00:39:27,390 --> 00:39:29,152
- Your niece? But...
- Colette?
617
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:32,515
Non, it's impo... possible.
618
00:39:32,515 --> 00:39:34,158
Come along, my child.
619
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:38,836
For what I am about to receive...
620
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:40,835
...thanks!
621
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:47,595
And I stayed there till 1953.
622
00:39:47,595 --> 00:39:49,272
LYONS: Just a minute.
623
00:39:49,272 --> 00:39:51,794
The war ended in 1945.
624
00:39:51,794 --> 00:39:53,836
I was in no hurry.
625
00:39:56,240 --> 00:39:58,470
Loins. Now it's your turn.
626
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:04,071
Well, my most unusual amorous experience,
believe it or not, took place at the zoo.
627
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:07,356
Went to see his relatives.
628
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:12,633
Come on, Loins. Tell us about the zoo.
629
00:40:12,633 --> 00:40:14,950
Well, it was a lovely day.
630
00:40:14,950 --> 00:40:16,996
(Thunderclap)
631
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:23,755
And all around me there was evidence
632
00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:25,558
that spring was in the air.
633
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,199
What's the matter?
634
00:41:29,199 --> 00:41:30,679
Come here, darling.
635
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:36,876
(Screams)
636
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,036
Let me out!
637
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:43,076
Help!
638
00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:19,516
Here, did you get anything?
639
00:42:19,516 --> 00:42:20,555
Pneumonia.
640
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:25,990
Mrs Dangle, your turn.
641
00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:27,995
Very well.
642
00:42:27,995 --> 00:42:30,036
I shall reveal everything.
643
00:42:30,036 --> 00:42:33,157
- Well, if you're going to strip, I'm going.
- Sit down.
644
00:42:34,240 --> 00:42:38,756
My most unusual experience
happened in a launderette.
645
00:42:38,756 --> 00:42:43,436
As anyone knows, launderettes
are better than pubs if you're after a pick-up.
646
00:42:43,436 --> 00:42:45,078
LEYLAND: I didn't know that.
647
00:42:45,078 --> 00:42:48,277
If you ever get around to washing your clothes,
you'll find out.
648
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:52,517
Now, this particular day, the place was full.
649
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:54,828
Unattached people.
650
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:57,836
Course, you get all types in there.
651
00:42:57,836 --> 00:43:00,480
But then, I prefer all types
652
00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:02,232
to other types.
653
00:43:02,232 --> 00:43:03,833
Through long experience,
654
00:43:03,833 --> 00:43:08,914
and if there's one thing I've had
more than anything else, it's experience,
655
00:43:08,914 --> 00:43:09,955
all you do,
656
00:43:09,955 --> 00:43:12,793
if you're on the make, is you say something like,
657
00:43:12,793 --> 00:43:15,519
Excuse me, dear,
can I borrow some of your suds?
658
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:22,910
And if that doesn't work, you say,
659
00:43:22,910 --> 00:43:25,514
My, but you've got some saucy underpants.
660
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:33,430
But despite my unusual attractiveness
and highly reclaimed sex appeal
661
00:43:33,430 --> 00:43:37,798
that day didn't get off to a very promising start.
662
00:43:37,798 --> 00:43:39,791
But sometimes,
663
00:43:39,791 --> 00:43:42,394
when you least expect it,
664
00:43:42,394 --> 00:43:47,600
you see a stranger
across a crowded launderette.
665
00:43:58,680 --> 00:44:00,636
# Striptease instrumental
666
00:44:56,840 --> 00:45:01,868
I knew, when I first laid my eyes on his Y-fronts,
667
00:45:01,868 --> 00:45:02,915
I knew...
668
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:07,235
...that he
669
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:10,515
...was the one.
670
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:48,473
Thank you, Mrs Dangle,
671
00:45:48,473 --> 00:45:50,676
for a most unbelievable experience.
672
00:45:50,676 --> 00:45:53,513
And now I think it's time for you, madam.
673
00:45:53,513 --> 00:45:55,909
- Hear, hear!
- Hear, hear!
674
00:45:55,909 --> 00:45:59,709
Well, I fear, in comparison,
mine may seem rather dull.
675
00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:02,910
I really don't have your imagination.
676
00:46:02,910 --> 00:46:05,036
Why, don't you believe it, darling.
677
00:46:05,036 --> 00:46:07,793
They'll be queuing up for the film rights to yours.
678
00:46:07,793 --> 00:46:09,836
Well, all right.
679
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:14,119
My most unusual amorous affair,
680
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:17,390
you may find it hard to believe,
681
00:46:17,390 --> 00:46:18,913
was with my husband.
682
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:22,235
He has not always been the man you know.
683
00:46:22,235 --> 00:46:26,438
Not very long ago, he was one of the dashing
young sons of la belle France,
684
00:46:26,438 --> 00:46:30,957
with an appetite for the exotic amour
almost equal to my own.
685
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:35,518
We made love in wild, crazy places,
686
00:46:35,518 --> 00:46:37,830
beautifully,
687
00:46:37,830 --> 00:46:40,718
elementally, in the air.
688
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:55,598
It was all so wonderful, so dangerous.
689
00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:28,916
Hemingway said, "To make love beautifully
690
00:47:28,916 --> 00:47:30,956
is to die a little each time."
691
00:47:30,956 --> 00:47:35,033
Unfortunately, Emile very soon saw the point.
692
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:43,435
EMILE: Aargh!
693
00:47:43,435 --> 00:47:44,275
Aaargh!
694
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:54,195
Poor Emile.
695
00:47:54,195 --> 00:47:58,432
But now I think we all understand
the master's shortcomings.
696
00:48:14,560 --> 00:48:17,120
RADIO: # The woman is love crazy
697
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:18,918
# She's loving all night
698
00:48:18,918 --> 00:48:21,116
# The woman is love crazy
699
00:48:21,116 --> 00:48:22,633
# Won't stop for a bite
700
00:48:22,633 --> 00:48:25,678
# The woman is love crazy
701
00:48:25,678 --> 00:48:27,478
# She's out on her own
702
00:48:27,478 --> 00:48:28,959
# Sometimes I work so hard
703
00:48:28,959 --> 00:48:31,110
# I wish she'd leave me alone
704
00:48:31,110 --> 00:48:34,476
Pardon me, madam,
there's a young man who wishes to see you.
705
00:48:34,476 --> 00:48:36,278
Does he have a name?
706
00:48:36,278 --> 00:48:38,999
I believe he said Theodore Valentine.
707
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:41,036
Oh, yes, I remember him.
708
00:48:41,036 --> 00:48:43,236
He's the one I don't remember.
709
00:48:43,236 --> 00:48:45,550
Quite, madam.
710
00:48:45,550 --> 00:48:50,760
Oh, well, better keep him waiting a moment
while I make myself respectable.
711
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:02,229
There, that should do it.
712
00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:07,958
I do wish you wouldn't lie about
in this abandoned fashion.
713
00:49:07,958 --> 00:49:11,112
It's not good for the servants to see you topless.
714
00:49:11,112 --> 00:49:14,749
- I've had no complaints.
- No, you are bold.
715
00:49:14,749 --> 00:49:17,593
I've never seen anyone so bold.
716
00:49:17,593 --> 00:49:20,877
Ah, why don't you stay here
and we can be bold together?
717
00:49:20,877 --> 00:49:25,476
No, I haven't time. I have a meeting
with the Minister of Foreign Affairs.
718
00:49:25,476 --> 00:49:26,515
Oh, him?
719
00:49:26,515 --> 00:49:29,319
He doesn't have any affairs. That's his problem.
720
00:49:29,319 --> 00:49:33,188
Unlike you, I don't judge everyone
by the amount of dilly-dallying they get up to.
721
00:49:33,188 --> 00:49:36,477
You're always too busy to do the things I like.
722
00:49:36,477 --> 00:49:40,269
I'm sure you don't need me
to help you do the things you like.
723
00:49:40,269 --> 00:49:44,035
But I like doing the things I like with you,
as well as with others I like.
724
00:49:44,035 --> 00:49:46,759
Sooner or later,
you are going to ruin our marriage
725
00:49:46,759 --> 00:49:50,276
if you insist on trying
to drag me into your silly amours.
726
00:49:50,276 --> 00:49:52,635
And for goodness' sake, cover yourself up.
727
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:55,636
Tell her to cover herself up.
728
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:12,028
Emmannuelle?
729
00:50:12,028 --> 00:50:13,348
Oui, monsieur.
730
00:50:13,348 --> 00:50:15,396
It's me, Theodore.
731
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:19,631
Don't you remember me?
732
00:50:19,631 --> 00:50:20,675
Non.
733
00:50:20,675 --> 00:50:24,036
- But you haven't looked at me yet.
- I don't recognise your voice.
734
00:50:24,036 --> 00:50:25,075
Look at me!
735
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:30,438
Well?
736
00:50:30,438 --> 00:50:32,033
You look familiar.
737
00:50:32,033 --> 00:50:33,075
Concorde.
738
00:50:33,075 --> 00:50:35,116
Oh, oui.
739
00:50:35,116 --> 00:50:36,519
Oh, yes.
740
00:50:36,519 --> 00:50:37,999
That was very funny.
741
00:50:37,999 --> 00:50:40,275
I didn't think so.
742
00:50:40,275 --> 00:50:42,316
Didn't you? Well, I mean...
743
00:50:42,316 --> 00:50:44,197
Wasn't it... good?
744
00:50:44,197 --> 00:50:47,158
Well, it was...
745
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:50,278
...different.
746
00:50:50,278 --> 00:50:52,032
Didn't it mean anything to you?
747
00:50:52,032 --> 00:50:55,396
Oh, yes. I will always fly Concorde in future.
748
00:50:55,396 --> 00:51:00,873
Since that wonderful night, I haven't slept,
or eaten, or even cleaned my teeth.
749
00:51:00,873 --> 00:51:03,918
You don't need to clean your teeth
if you haven't eaten.
750
00:51:03,918 --> 00:51:05,877
I have fallen in love.
751
00:51:05,877 --> 00:51:07,518
Oh, you poor boy!
752
00:51:07,518 --> 00:51:08,555
Who with?
753
00:51:08,555 --> 00:51:09,675
Who do you think?
754
00:51:09,675 --> 00:51:11,034
Is it anyone I know?
755
00:51:11,034 --> 00:51:12,269
It's you, of course.
756
00:51:12,269 --> 00:51:13,019
Oh!
757
00:51:14,240 --> 00:51:18,438
I say, I've never felt like this
about anyone before, not even...
758
00:51:20,240 --> 00:51:21,593
...not even my own mother.
759
00:51:22,840 --> 00:51:23,795
Emmannuelle,
760
00:51:23,795 --> 00:51:25,438
I want to marry you.
761
00:51:25,438 --> 00:51:28,193
Oh, I'm done. Shower time.
762
00:51:28,193 --> 00:51:29,235
Oh, no!
763
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:33,475
Oh!
764
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:38,991
You may enter, Monsieur Concorde.
765
00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:53,955
Did you hear what I said? I want to marry you.
766
00:51:53,955 --> 00:51:57,032
If you want to marry me,
you will have to ask my husband.
767
00:51:57,032 --> 00:51:59,190
But I don't want to marry your husband.
768
00:51:59,190 --> 00:52:00,793
I should hope not.
769
00:52:00,793 --> 00:52:01,835
Do you love him?
770
00:52:01,835 --> 00:52:04,195
- Sometimes.
- You don't sound sure.
771
00:52:04,195 --> 00:52:06,874
Oh, yes. I'm sure I love him sometimes.
772
00:52:06,874 --> 00:52:09,428
Well, will you be prepared to leave him for me?
773
00:52:09,428 --> 00:52:12,034
Certainly not! Not for you or anyone.
774
00:52:12,034 --> 00:52:14,953
Why did you give yourself to me like that
in the Concorde?
775
00:52:14,953 --> 00:52:17,713
You mustn't think that
because I made love to you
776
00:52:17,713 --> 00:52:20,075
that you are entitled to any landing rights.
777
00:52:20,075 --> 00:52:23,311
- I think I'd better go.
- Oh, you can stay if you wish.
778
00:52:23,311 --> 00:52:24,674
I have a free morning.
779
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:27,872
My towel, please.
780
00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:45,349
Now, look, I shall never make love to you again
until you promise your undying love for me.
781
00:52:45,349 --> 00:52:47,396
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
782
00:52:49,120 --> 00:52:50,838
You can't tempt me again.
783
00:52:50,838 --> 00:52:51,588
No?
784
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:53,909
Keep away from me.
785
00:52:53,909 --> 00:52:56,036
- You said you love me.
- Yes, but I do.
786
00:52:56,036 --> 00:52:57,075
Show me.
787
00:52:58,120 --> 00:52:59,235
Theodore!
788
00:53:02,640 --> 00:53:05,996
Oh, Theodore, you have wet yourself.
789
00:53:05,996 --> 00:53:08,799
There we are, darling. All tucked in.
790
00:53:08,799 --> 00:53:11,633
Nice and clean. Night-night.
791
00:53:11,633 --> 00:53:13,233
Night-night, Mummy.
792
00:53:13,233 --> 00:53:16,312
What are we going
to dream about tonight, darling?
793
00:53:16,312 --> 00:53:17,913
Not her!
794
00:53:17,913 --> 00:53:20,594
- Why not?
- Well, she'll only bring you trouble.
795
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:23,995
- Yes.
- Have you dreamt about her before?
796
00:53:23,995 --> 00:53:26,230
Yes, often, night and day.
797
00:53:26,230 --> 00:53:28,197
Oh, you are in a state.
798
00:53:28,197 --> 00:53:30,555
- I dreamt about her last night.
- Did you?
799
00:53:30,555 --> 00:53:32,073
No, she wouldn't let me.
800
00:53:33,720 --> 00:53:35,472
I must ring Dr Jones.
801
00:53:35,472 --> 00:53:36,709
What can he do?
802
00:53:36,709 --> 00:53:39,872
Well, he can give you an injection
or... something.
803
00:53:39,872 --> 00:53:40,915
What for?
804
00:53:40,915 --> 00:53:44,276
- Well, for whatever you've got.
- I like what I've got.
805
00:53:44,276 --> 00:53:46,316
Well, I don't.
806
00:53:46,316 --> 00:53:48,470
And I'm going to do something about it.
807
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:51,913
Night-night, darling.
808
00:53:58,720 --> 00:54:04,238
Now it's time for your afternoon
body-building session with Harry Hernia.
809
00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:17,958
Now, this afternoon, I'm gonna show you
how to build up your stomach muscles.
810
00:54:17,958 --> 00:54:19,996
I don't think I got any.
811
00:54:19,996 --> 00:54:22,036
HARRY: Are you ready?
812
00:54:22,036 --> 00:54:24,076
EMILE: I am all yours, Harry.
813
00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:31,751
- You're at it again.
- So is he, listen.
814
00:54:31,751 --> 00:54:33,796
HARRY: Let's all lie down on the floor.
815
00:54:33,796 --> 00:54:36,075
EMILE: Ooh, it's very hard.
816
00:54:36,075 --> 00:54:39,869
HARRY: Now, raise your legs in the air.
817
00:54:39,869 --> 00:54:42,269
EMILE: Ooh, no, I feel it.
818
00:54:42,269 --> 00:54:45,113
- Who's he got in there?
- I don't know. I can't see.
819
00:54:49,200 --> 00:54:50,155
Loins.
820
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:52,828
What are you doing?
821
00:54:52,828 --> 00:54:56,435
Um, er, I was just tying my shoelace, madam.
822
00:54:56,435 --> 00:54:59,034
Yes, and I was helping him.
823
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:02,355
But, Loins, your shoes have no laces.
824
00:55:02,355 --> 00:55:04,112
Oh, I...
825
00:55:08,480 --> 00:55:09,674
Madam, I...
826
00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:13,553
EMMANNUELLE: I'm back.
827
00:55:14,600 --> 00:55:16,318
Ah, yes, dear.
828
00:55:16,318 --> 00:55:17,879
It's warm out.
829
00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:22,630
You don't care what I do.
830
00:55:22,630 --> 00:55:24,119
(Grunts)
831
00:55:24,119 --> 00:55:25,553
Today...
832
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:33,594
Today I made love to 14 soldiers,
21 sailors, and 16 airmen.
833
00:55:33,594 --> 00:55:35,636
The Prime Minister announced
834
00:55:35,636 --> 00:55:39,679
that the morale of the defence forces
has never been higher.
835
00:55:39,679 --> 00:55:41,113
What did you say?
836
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:43,355
Nothing.
837
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:46,796
Why haven't your muscles
838
00:55:46,796 --> 00:55:49,997
- developed like that?
- They will, eventually.
839
00:55:49,997 --> 00:55:52,036
You'll never match that gorgeous hunk.
840
00:55:52,036 --> 00:55:54,839
I don't expect to match him.
841
00:55:54,839 --> 00:55:58,117
That's Harry Hernia.
He has the most highly developed
842
00:55:58,117 --> 00:56:02,159
rectus femoris in the whole of Britain.
843
00:56:02,159 --> 00:56:03,434
Has he?
844
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:12,680
Bye-bye this afternoon,
and don't forget your exercises.
845
00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:15,149
Tonight they are going to proclaim him
846
00:56:15,149 --> 00:56:17,196
Mr Super Muscle.
847
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:19,713
Do you know him?
848
00:56:19,713 --> 00:56:24,476
Of course. Yes.
I have lessons from him in pumping iron.
849
00:56:24,476 --> 00:56:27,836
- I think I would like to meet him.
- Whatever for?
850
00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:30,879
Body building.
851
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:48,834
- Where do you sleep?
- On the mat.
852
00:56:50,480 --> 00:56:53,313
- Where do you sit?
- Sitting's bad for the posture.
853
00:56:53,313 --> 00:56:56,039
You either stand, squat, or lie down.
854
00:56:56,039 --> 00:56:58,076
- Mind if I squat?
- Surely.
855
00:56:59,560 --> 00:57:02,313
- Want something?
- Depends what you have in mind.
856
00:57:03,400 --> 00:57:04,355
Drink, maybe.
857
00:57:05,720 --> 00:57:06,675
Maybe.
858
00:57:06,675 --> 00:57:07,954
OK.
859
00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:12,391
Oxo or Bovril?
860
00:57:12,391 --> 00:57:14,516
Don't you have something else?
861
00:57:14,516 --> 00:57:16,989
Sure. How about a glass of milk?
862
00:57:16,989 --> 00:57:18,433
No, thank you.
863
00:57:31,840 --> 00:57:33,990
What do you want to do?
864
00:57:33,990 --> 00:57:36,992
Depends what you... have in mind.
865
00:57:36,992 --> 00:57:38,115
A work-out, maybe.
866
00:57:38,115 --> 00:57:40,634
- A work-out?
- Sure.
867
00:57:40,634 --> 00:57:42,676
What do you want me to do first?
868
00:57:42,676 --> 00:57:45,399
Now come on, lady, let's take your clothes off.
869
00:57:48,920 --> 00:57:51,878
Oh, can you help me with the zip?
870
00:57:51,878 --> 00:57:55,316
Why, sure. Now let me get my things off.
871
00:57:57,200 --> 00:57:59,031
Can I help you?
872
00:57:59,031 --> 00:58:00,519
I can manage.
873
00:58:01,960 --> 00:58:04,190
Now take a look at this.
874
00:58:04,190 --> 00:58:06,874
It's a beaut, eh? What do you think of that?
875
00:58:08,080 --> 00:58:12,312
Incroyable! I've never seen anything that big.
876
00:58:14,560 --> 00:58:16,516
Now let's have a look at you.
877
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,989
Well, what's the verdict?
878
00:58:24,989 --> 00:58:27,594
You definitely need more exercises.
879
00:58:27,594 --> 00:58:29,910
How about making love?
880
00:58:29,910 --> 00:58:31,638
Very good exercise.
881
00:58:31,638 --> 00:58:35,235
Builds up your lumber,
and your rectus abdominus.
882
00:58:35,235 --> 00:58:37,515
But it's off my training programme.
883
00:58:37,515 --> 00:58:39,556
- Oh, that's a pity.
- Sorry, darling.
884
00:58:39,556 --> 00:58:43,519
It's the Mr Muscles contest
and I want to win that title before I retire.
885
00:58:43,519 --> 00:58:45,272
That'll make it a hat trick.
886
00:58:45,272 --> 00:58:49,876
I'm determined to go out with a bang.
887
00:58:49,876 --> 00:58:52,599
That's exactly what I had in mind.
888
00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:56,158
Ambassador's residence.
889
00:58:57,400 --> 00:58:59,868
Well, I'm sure that madam is asleep right now.
890
00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:04,468
Very well, sir. Are you sure it's urgent?
891
00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:07,916
Yes, well, hold on one moment, please.
892
00:59:19,680 --> 00:59:21,636
(Clears throat) Madam?
893
00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:33,469
Madam?
894
00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:42,910
Wake up, madam. There is a call for you.
895
00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:47,512
Madam, wake up, please. He says it's urgent.
896
00:59:47,512 --> 00:59:48,953
Who is that?
897
00:59:50,520 --> 00:59:51,589
Ah, Loins.
898
00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:54,114
What is it?
899
00:59:54,114 --> 00:59:56,998
Um, a phone call.
900
00:59:56,998 --> 00:59:59,036
I believe it's a gentleman friend.
901
00:59:59,036 --> 01:00:00,712
Tell him I'm out.
902
01:00:00,712 --> 01:00:03,598
He already knows that you're in, madam.
903
01:00:03,598 --> 01:00:05,477
(Sighs) Take a message.
904
01:00:05,477 --> 01:00:06,879
I... I did.
905
01:00:06,879 --> 01:00:09,679
- What was it?
- He says that he wants to speak to you.
906
01:00:14,240 --> 01:00:16,196
Allo?
907
01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:18,032
- Who is this?
- It's me.
908
01:00:18,032 --> 01:00:20,270
Theodore. Are you alone?
909
01:00:20,270 --> 01:00:23,397
- I'm in bed.
- Yes, but are you alone?
910
01:00:23,397 --> 01:00:25,436
What do you want?
911
01:00:25,436 --> 01:00:27,476
- I had to ring you.
- Why?
912
01:00:27,476 --> 01:00:30,831
Because... I want to tell you that I love you.
913
01:00:30,831 --> 01:00:32,512
You love me?
914
01:00:32,512 --> 01:00:34,636
Oh, Loins.
915
01:00:34,636 --> 01:00:37,075
- Pardon? What did you say?
- Oh, nothing.
916
01:00:37,075 --> 01:00:38,354
I love you.
917
01:00:38,354 --> 01:00:41,477
Theodore, you don't fall in love
with someone like me.
918
01:00:41,477 --> 01:00:43,471
Why not?
919
01:00:43,471 --> 01:00:45,676
It's out of character.
920
01:00:45,676 --> 01:00:47,910
LYONS: Ooh.
921
01:00:47,910 --> 01:00:49,479
Loins!
922
01:00:49,479 --> 01:00:52,358
- Loins? You called me Loins.
- I didn't call you Loins.
923
01:00:52,358 --> 01:00:54,954
I called Loins Loins.
924
01:00:54,954 --> 01:00:57,554
Is Loins... Is Lyons in bed with you?
925
01:00:57,554 --> 01:01:01,553
Ah, no. He's just a butler. Don't be silly.
926
01:01:01,553 --> 01:01:03,596
He brought me a cup of tea.
927
01:01:05,040 --> 01:01:09,238
I want you to promise me to give up
all those men and come and live with me.
928
01:01:09,238 --> 01:01:10,958
And Mother.
929
01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:15,153
He wants me to promise
to give up all those other men
930
01:01:15,153 --> 01:01:18,118
and come and live with him... and Mother.
931
01:01:22,320 --> 01:01:24,356
I don't think that's a very good idea.
932
01:01:24,356 --> 01:01:27,079
- Why not?
- I'm happy where I am.
933
01:01:28,120 --> 01:01:30,236
How can you say that?
934
01:01:30,236 --> 01:01:32,276
Nobody loves you like I do.
935
01:01:32,276 --> 01:01:34,157
You're not in a position to refuse.
936
01:01:34,157 --> 01:01:36,674
I'm in a position to do anything I want.
937
01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:41,879
If you don't do what I ask,
I shall be forced to do something drastic.
938
01:01:41,879 --> 01:01:43,757
(Both giggle)
939
01:01:43,757 --> 01:01:46,035
Now you're laughing at me again.
940
01:01:47,760 --> 01:01:49,432
Goodbye, Theodore.
941
01:01:49,432 --> 01:01:51,272
Don't call us.
942
01:01:51,272 --> 01:01:52,839
We'll call you.
943
01:01:55,680 --> 01:01:58,672
Oh, come on, Loins. It's time to get up.
944
01:01:58,672 --> 01:01:59,988
Very well, madam.
945
01:02:05,720 --> 01:02:09,110
Emmannuelle, come along! You know that...
946
01:02:09,110 --> 01:02:11,634
Emmannuelle, what on earth are you wearing?
947
01:02:11,634 --> 01:02:15,759
You're the one who's always complaining
about me walking around uncovered.
948
01:02:15,759 --> 01:02:17,956
I was hoping you would be ready.
949
01:02:19,160 --> 01:02:23,153
I am, cheri. I'm always ready.
Let's go into the library.
950
01:02:23,153 --> 01:02:26,312
Yes... I don't want to go into the library
to read books.
951
01:02:26,312 --> 01:02:27,549
Neither do I.
952
01:02:27,549 --> 01:02:31,076
We are supposed to be
attending an official function.
953
01:02:31,076 --> 01:02:35,756
I don't want to go to your function.
I do not like your functions. They are all boring.
954
01:02:35,756 --> 01:02:39,389
This is a football match. I am to present a cup.
955
01:02:39,389 --> 01:02:45,271
A football match, with all those
young, healthy men with big thighs?
956
01:02:45,271 --> 01:02:47,828
Hmm, but if you don't want to go,
I can't make you.
957
01:02:47,828 --> 01:02:50,480
Oh, give me time to get changed.
958
01:02:57,880 --> 01:02:59,029
What kept you?
959
01:02:59,480 --> 01:03:01,232
(Cheering)
960
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:06,436
(Football rattles)
961
01:03:29,560 --> 01:03:30,515
(Whistle)
962
01:03:30,515 --> 01:03:32,556
(Cheering)
963
01:04:13,720 --> 01:04:14,675
(Whistle)
964
01:04:16,280 --> 01:04:18,635
Get out there, quick!
965
01:04:30,600 --> 01:04:31,555
(Whistle)
966
01:04:39,920 --> 01:04:40,670
Oi!
967
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:46,156
Come on. Get out. You're on.
968
01:04:54,440 --> 01:04:55,589
(Whistle)
969
01:05:45,160 --> 01:05:47,390
(Final whistle)
970
01:05:56,040 --> 01:05:57,917
Where are the players?
971
01:05:59,840 --> 01:06:02,798
(Supporters chant)
972
01:06:17,360 --> 01:06:19,316
(Phone rings)
973
01:06:22,160 --> 01:06:24,958
- Allo?
- Hello, Harry Hernia here.
974
01:06:24,958 --> 01:06:27,349
Remember the other night?
975
01:06:27,349 --> 01:06:30,000
Well, my trainer says it's OK until Friday,
976
01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:32,036
so how about it?
977
01:06:32,036 --> 01:06:34,839
- Where are you?
- I'll meet you in ten minutes
978
01:06:34,839 --> 01:06:36,876
outside your garden gate.
979
01:06:53,920 --> 01:06:56,388
Oh la la, Harry!
980
01:06:56,388 --> 01:06:59,552
I know you are a big man, but this is ridiculous.
981
01:07:00,600 --> 01:07:03,910
- Move!
- Must I? It's very nice like this.
982
01:07:03,910 --> 01:07:04,955
Get in!
983
01:07:17,200 --> 01:07:22,035
- Start the car.
- Theodore, what is this all about?
984
01:07:22,035 --> 01:07:23,872
How do you know it's me?
985
01:07:25,960 --> 01:07:26,915
Start the car.
986
01:07:26,915 --> 01:07:30,879
I will not. I'm going to have dinner
with my husband and the Foreign Secretary.
987
01:07:30,879 --> 01:07:33,315
They can wait. I'm kidnapping you.
988
01:07:33,315 --> 01:07:36,949
That's crazy. My husband
wouldn't give you one franc to get me back.
989
01:07:36,949 --> 01:07:41,670
Not for ransom. I'm making you my prisoner.
I'm going to keep you to myself.
990
01:07:41,670 --> 01:07:43,113
That's ridiculous.
991
01:07:43,113 --> 01:07:47,034
I warn you. I'm desperate. Start the car.
992
01:07:48,120 --> 01:07:49,269
Non.
993
01:07:49,269 --> 01:07:51,715
- Why not?
- I can't drive.
994
01:07:51,715 --> 01:07:54,314
Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
995
01:07:54,314 --> 01:07:57,437
- You didn't ask me.
- Change over.
996
01:07:57,437 --> 01:07:58,475
Go on.
997
01:08:01,480 --> 01:08:03,869
Oh! Oo-hoo!
998
01:08:03,869 --> 01:08:05,916
It was worse on the Concorde.
999
01:08:08,600 --> 01:08:11,194
If you wanted to kidnap me properly,
1000
01:08:11,194 --> 01:08:14,795
you should have sneaked into my bedroom
in the middle of the night,
1001
01:08:15,840 --> 01:08:17,319
chloroformed me,
1002
01:08:17,319 --> 01:08:20,949
and carried me over your back
to the car in a sack.
1003
01:08:20,949 --> 01:08:23,315
I thought of that, only I've got a bad back.
1004
01:08:30,440 --> 01:08:33,557
- You can't drive with one hand.
- Yes, I can.
1005
01:08:34,640 --> 01:08:35,595
Theodore.
1006
01:08:35,595 --> 01:08:39,036
- You're not going to kidnap me.
- I am.
1007
01:08:39,036 --> 01:08:40,633
Aargh!
1008
01:08:41,680 --> 01:08:44,148
- I don't think so.
- I can't drive lying down.
1009
01:08:44,148 --> 01:08:46,674
Who is talking about driving?
1010
01:08:46,674 --> 01:08:48,716
Ah, there, now don't! No, stop!
1011
01:08:49,760 --> 01:08:51,193
Don't!
1012
01:08:51,193 --> 01:08:52,918
Stop.
1013
01:08:53,960 --> 01:08:55,439
Don't stop.
1014
01:08:55,439 --> 01:08:59,593
Oh, Emmannuelle,
you're making it very hard for me.
1015
01:09:15,720 --> 01:09:19,599
Emmannuelle, I may have to do
something ruthless to bring you to your senses.
1016
01:09:21,880 --> 01:09:24,269
My editor won't be interested if it's not authentic.
1017
01:09:24,269 --> 01:09:28,148
It's authentic, all right.
I've got the pictures here to prove it.
1018
01:09:28,148 --> 01:09:30,879
Well, now, what else has this broad been up to?
1019
01:09:30,879 --> 01:09:32,279
It's all down there.
1020
01:09:34,560 --> 01:09:36,278
What's that?
1021
01:09:36,278 --> 01:09:39,397
Blimey! And that was with the chauffeur, right?
1022
01:09:39,397 --> 01:09:40,913
Yeah, that's right.
1023
01:09:42,880 --> 01:09:45,519
We'll need substantiation before we can run this.
1024
01:09:45,519 --> 01:09:48,876
I've got everything -
photographs, names, places, dates.
1025
01:09:48,876 --> 01:09:50,916
And all on affidavits.
1026
01:09:52,000 --> 01:09:53,956
Foreplay with the butler.
1027
01:09:53,956 --> 01:09:57,350
- Did you use a wide-angle lens on this?
- I certainly did.
1028
01:09:58,400 --> 01:09:59,913
Aha! Menage a trois
1029
01:09:59,913 --> 01:10:03,754
with a Soviet ambassador and a KGB man
at the Soviet embassy.
1030
01:10:03,754 --> 01:10:05,831
Sounds like a case of "reds on the bed".
1031
01:10:06,880 --> 01:10:11,715
Algolagnia with the Minister of Sport.
1032
01:10:11,715 --> 01:10:13,870
- What's that?
- I don't know. Here...
1033
01:10:15,440 --> 01:10:17,908
Algo... algolagnia...
1034
01:10:17,908 --> 01:10:21,356
Spanking! Here, you should know about that,
you old devil!
1035
01:10:22,640 --> 01:10:26,474
When it used to happen to me,
I didn't know you were supposed to enjoy it.
1036
01:10:26,474 --> 01:10:28,278
Theodore,
1037
01:10:28,278 --> 01:10:32,114
what does "coitus interruptus
with the Prime Minister" mean?
1038
01:10:32,114 --> 01:10:35,510
It means, Mother,
that the Prime Minister's a very busy man.
1039
01:10:35,510 --> 01:10:40,958
Pygmalionism: amorous attraction
directed towards a statue.
1040
01:10:42,000 --> 01:10:44,036
Stone the pigeons!
1041
01:10:44,036 --> 01:10:46,111
What next?
1042
01:10:46,111 --> 01:10:49,715
Accepted her punishment
from the Lord Chief Justice.
1043
01:10:49,715 --> 01:10:53,031
A bit of habeas corpus
with the police commissioner.
1044
01:10:53,031 --> 01:10:57,398
Played strip Monopoly
with the chairman of the Bank of England,
1045
01:10:57,398 --> 01:11:01,553
and got herself in a very united state
with the American ambassador.
1046
01:11:01,553 --> 01:11:03,596
Let me have a look.
1047
01:11:05,280 --> 01:11:07,635
I haven't got my glasses.
1048
01:11:07,635 --> 01:11:13,113
Aphrodite callipygous with the guest conductor
of the Royal Symphony Orchestra.
1049
01:11:13,113 --> 01:11:16,875
- Aphrodite calli... callipygous.
- It's all Greek to me.
1050
01:11:16,875 --> 01:11:21,033
It says, "Scopophilia
is the more urgent form of voyeurism."
1051
01:11:22,280 --> 01:11:23,030
Hm?
1052
01:11:23,760 --> 01:11:26,354
The need to watch others undress.
1053
01:11:26,354 --> 01:11:29,000
Blimey, I've had that for years!
1054
01:11:29,000 --> 01:11:32,311
- Not with an entire football team.
- No, I'm a rugby man, mate.
1055
01:11:32,311 --> 01:11:33,799
Different shaped balls.
1056
01:11:33,799 --> 01:11:37,077
Because of his wife's alleged misconduct
in high places,
1057
01:11:37,077 --> 01:11:41,676
the President of the Republic has indicated
that the ambassador may be dismissed.
1058
01:11:41,676 --> 01:11:44,479
Because of the allegations,
the Soviet ambassador
1059
01:11:44,479 --> 01:11:49,111
sought political asylum in the Soviet Union...
I beg your pardon. That should read,
1060
01:11:49,111 --> 01:11:53,796
"The Soviet ambassador today was sent
to a political asylum in the Soviet Union."
1061
01:11:53,796 --> 01:11:57,111
The Prime Minister said today,
"There's nothing to deny.
1062
01:11:57,111 --> 01:11:59,668
What good is proof without the evidence?"
1063
01:11:59,668 --> 01:12:01,716
The American ambassador said,
1064
01:12:01,716 --> 01:12:04,792
"Why don't you (bleep) off
and mind your own (bleep) business?"
1065
01:12:04,792 --> 01:12:07,519
- Will you all stand back?
- Could you move back?
1066
01:12:07,519 --> 01:12:10,990
- Move back, please, sir. Thank you.
- Where's the ambassador?
1067
01:12:10,990 --> 01:12:13,071
- Where's Emmannuelle?
- Any statement?
1068
01:12:13,071 --> 01:12:18,154
The ambassador and his lady wife
have asked me to tell you they are not at home.
1069
01:12:18,154 --> 01:12:21,630
And even if they were,
the answer would be, "No comment."
1070
01:12:21,630 --> 01:12:24,678
Hey, butler. You're the butler.
You must have seen something.
1071
01:12:24,678 --> 01:12:26,876
Yeah, tell us what the butler saw!
1072
01:12:26,876 --> 01:12:28,951
- No comment.
- Is it true
1073
01:12:28,951 --> 01:12:32,635
that she had an affair
with the all the domestic staff except you?
1074
01:12:32,635 --> 01:12:34,551
Is that true?
1075
01:12:34,551 --> 01:12:36,437
That, sir, is quite untrue.
1076
01:12:36,437 --> 01:12:38,875
Ah, then the butler did do it!
1077
01:12:38,875 --> 01:12:40,598
(Laughter)
1078
01:12:40,598 --> 01:12:41,874
No comment.
1079
01:12:44,200 --> 01:12:46,350
Don't like Harold Hump. Can't stand him.
1080
01:12:46,350 --> 01:12:49,079
That's funny. He can't stand you, either.
1081
01:12:49,079 --> 01:12:51,116
- Will you be quiet and listen?
- All right.
1082
01:12:51,116 --> 01:12:54,112
Hello, good evening, good night and welcome.
1083
01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:57,470
Not since the Keeler affair, or Watergate
1084
01:12:57,470 --> 01:13:01,075
has public interest been so aroused
in the affairs of state.
1085
01:13:01,075 --> 01:13:04,755
I refer, of course, to the case
of Madame Emmannuelle Prevert.
1086
01:13:04,755 --> 01:13:06,273
(Cheering)
1087
01:13:06,273 --> 01:13:07,315
Sh!
1088
01:13:07,315 --> 01:13:11,359
Now Madame Prevert has consented,
and I use the word advisedly,
1089
01:13:11,359 --> 01:13:13,874
to be interviewed for the very first time.
1090
01:13:13,874 --> 01:13:15,916
(Applause and whistles)
1091
01:13:22,040 --> 01:13:23,837
- Madame Prevert.
- Pray-ver.
1092
01:13:23,837 --> 01:13:25,273
I beg your pardon.
1093
01:13:30,400 --> 01:13:34,188
Madame Prevert, thank you for allowing me
to set the record straight
1094
01:13:34,188 --> 01:13:36,874
- for our viewers.
- Not at all.
1095
01:13:36,874 --> 01:13:40,999
Will you now take this opportunity
to deny the allegations made against you?
1096
01:13:40,999 --> 01:13:42,035
Non.
1097
01:13:42,035 --> 01:13:45,635
You won't take the opportunity?
Or you won't deny them?
1098
01:13:45,635 --> 01:13:47,711
- Which?
- Both.
1099
01:13:47,711 --> 01:13:49,313
He won't catch madam.
1100
01:13:49,313 --> 01:13:50,879
Quite! Yeah.
1101
01:13:50,879 --> 01:13:53,872
Do you deny the allegations
that have been made against you?
1102
01:13:53,872 --> 01:13:54,949
No.
1103
01:13:54,949 --> 01:13:56,792
Don't you mean yes?
1104
01:13:56,792 --> 01:13:58,711
No, I mean no.
1105
01:13:58,711 --> 01:14:02,076
You don't deny the allegations at all?
1106
01:14:02,076 --> 01:14:06,438
No. Apart from a little embellishment,
they are substantially true.
1107
01:14:06,438 --> 01:14:09,398
You mean, you're not going
to deny the allegations?
1108
01:14:09,398 --> 01:14:10,799
Why should I?
1109
01:14:10,799 --> 01:14:13,269
- Everybody else has.
- That's their problem.
1110
01:14:13,269 --> 01:14:16,079
- That's telling 'em, girl.
- Go it, madam!
1111
01:14:16,079 --> 01:14:17,798
Shh!
1112
01:14:17,798 --> 01:14:20,952
Wait a minute. Let's get this straight.
1113
01:14:22,040 --> 01:14:28,388
Is it true or false that you actually had an...
affectionate encounter with the Prime Minister?
1114
01:14:28,388 --> 01:14:30,471
True. I remember it quite well.
1115
01:14:30,471 --> 01:14:35,031
I don't always remember everyone
I have an affair with, but I remember him.
1116
01:14:35,031 --> 01:14:37,076
He was very charming.
1117
01:14:37,076 --> 01:14:41,312
He sandwiched me in between
a cabinet meeting and a visit from the unions.
1118
01:14:41,312 --> 01:14:43,516
Of course, he was a little distracted.
1119
01:14:43,516 --> 01:14:45,113
I bet he was!
1120
01:14:45,113 --> 01:14:46,758
A bit? Ha, ha!
1121
01:14:46,758 --> 01:14:48,796
So would I be.
1122
01:14:48,796 --> 01:14:49,949
Do you mind?
1123
01:14:49,949 --> 01:14:53,350
What about the other people
mentioned in the press?
1124
01:14:53,350 --> 01:14:57,115
Oh, they were all a bit distracted.
Busy people usually are.
1125
01:14:58,840 --> 01:15:00,478
- Really?
- That is why,
1126
01:15:00,478 --> 01:15:03,677
on occasions, I have to resort to variations.
1127
01:15:03,677 --> 01:15:07,673
- Do you realise what you're admitting?
- Yes.
1128
01:15:07,673 --> 01:15:11,196
Would you like to take this opportunity
to express your regrets
1129
01:15:11,196 --> 01:15:13,271
- over these affairs?
- Non.
1130
01:15:13,271 --> 01:15:15,510
You don't deny them and you don't regret them?
1131
01:15:15,510 --> 01:15:17,716
Yes, I don't.
1132
01:15:17,716 --> 01:15:20,394
Do you have a sense of right and wrong?
1133
01:15:20,394 --> 01:15:21,799
Oh, yes.
1134
01:15:21,799 --> 01:15:24,348
- Then you'll admit you did wrong?
- No.
1135
01:15:24,348 --> 01:15:29,230
Have you no qualms about the fact that your
actions are likely to bring down the government?
1136
01:15:29,230 --> 01:15:31,993
- That's very unlikely.
- Really?
1137
01:15:31,993 --> 01:15:36,710
The papers omitted to mention I'd given
equal time to the Leader of the Opposition.
1138
01:15:36,710 --> 01:15:41,555
He sandwiched me between a meeting
of the shadow cabinet and a game of golf.
1139
01:15:41,555 --> 01:15:43,517
I bet he kept his eye on the ball!
1140
01:15:43,517 --> 01:15:47,229
Must be the only man
who got a hole in one on the 19th!
1141
01:15:48,920 --> 01:15:50,512
But why?
1142
01:15:50,512 --> 01:15:54,195
Why did you,
an ambassador's wife, do all this?
1143
01:15:54,195 --> 01:15:58,159
Can you think of any better way
of winning friends for your country?
1144
01:15:59,880 --> 01:16:00,835
Look...
1145
01:16:02,920 --> 01:16:06,151
Do you share the philosophy
of certain other ladies
1146
01:16:06,151 --> 01:16:09,391
who have said that
by making love to many people,
1147
01:16:09,391 --> 01:16:12,836
they are expanding the frontiers
of human relationship?
1148
01:16:12,836 --> 01:16:14,353
No. This is...
1149
01:16:14,353 --> 01:16:15,475
How you say?
1150
01:16:15,475 --> 01:16:17,915
...bullshit.
- (Laughter)
1151
01:16:19,280 --> 01:16:21,794
What about your husband?
1152
01:16:21,794 --> 01:16:23,598
Oh, he thinks it's bullshit, too.
1153
01:16:30,760 --> 01:16:32,398
What... what are you doing?
1154
01:16:32,398 --> 01:16:33,833
You talk too much.
1155
01:16:34,920 --> 01:16:36,592
We'll cut it there, OK?
1156
01:16:37,640 --> 01:16:39,153
It's live?
1157
01:16:39,153 --> 01:16:43,631
Whose bloody idea was that?
At least cut it off the one for the States, OK?
1158
01:16:43,631 --> 01:16:47,429
It's going out now, on satellite,
worldwide with translations?
1159
01:16:49,760 --> 01:16:52,069
Good night. What do you think you're doing?
1160
01:16:53,160 --> 01:16:55,515
Good... good night, everybody.
1161
01:16:55,515 --> 01:16:56,589
Thank you.
1162
01:16:56,589 --> 01:16:57,908
Cut it! Cut it!
1163
01:16:57,908 --> 01:16:59,752
What are you doing?
1164
01:16:59,752 --> 01:17:01,671
Cut. Cut to the commercial
1165
01:17:01,671 --> 01:17:03,716
Cut, cut. Cut to the commercials.
1166
01:17:10,080 --> 01:17:12,036
At least it won't hurt the ratings.
1167
01:17:18,200 --> 01:17:20,031
Theodore?
1168
01:17:20,031 --> 01:17:21,519
- Theodore!
(Knock at door)
1169
01:17:21,519 --> 01:17:22,635
What are you doing?
1170
01:17:22,635 --> 01:17:24,199
Nothing, Mother!
1171
01:17:24,199 --> 01:17:27,158
You're not doing anything
naughty to yourself, are you,
1172
01:17:27,158 --> 01:17:29,515
like that disgusting boy in that novel?
1173
01:17:29,515 --> 01:17:32,194
No, Mother!
1174
01:17:32,194 --> 01:17:36,478
Well, I've got some lovely steamed chicken,
1175
01:17:36,478 --> 01:17:41,190
and mashed potatoes
with butter and parsley and herbs for you.
1176
01:17:41,190 --> 01:17:43,396
I'm not hungry, Mother.
1177
01:17:43,396 --> 01:17:45,550
But you haven't eaten for days.
1178
01:17:46,640 --> 01:17:48,676
You're not on hunger strike, are you?
1179
01:17:48,676 --> 01:17:49,909
Yes, Mother.
1180
01:17:49,909 --> 01:17:52,355
What, because of that dreadful girl?
1181
01:17:52,355 --> 01:17:54,590
Yes, Mother.
1182
01:17:54,590 --> 01:17:57,558
Then half the country must be starving.
1183
01:17:57,558 --> 01:18:01,792
Don't you understand? I loved Emmannuelle.
I can't live without her.
1184
01:18:01,792 --> 01:18:03,074
But...
1185
01:18:03,074 --> 01:18:05,116
I can't do anything right.
1186
01:18:14,640 --> 01:18:16,596
I'm going to shoot myself.
1187
01:18:16,596 --> 01:18:19,478
Oh, no, no, darling!
1188
01:18:19,478 --> 01:18:22,028
I must. I'm a failure.
1189
01:18:22,028 --> 01:18:25,635
You're all that Mummy's got
now that Daddy's gone.
1190
01:18:25,635 --> 01:18:28,029
I'm a complete failure.
1191
01:18:30,080 --> 01:18:31,399
- No!
(Gunshot)
1192
01:18:35,640 --> 01:18:37,710
I told you I was a failure. I missed.
1193
01:18:39,360 --> 01:18:41,590
Mummy's little teddy!
1194
01:18:44,040 --> 01:18:45,155
Ninety-nine.
1195
01:18:45,155 --> 01:18:46,559
Ninety-nine.
1196
01:18:46,559 --> 01:18:48,596
Ninety-nine. Ninety-nine.
1197
01:18:48,596 --> 01:18:51,274
- Say "ninety-nine."
- Ninety-nine.
1198
01:18:51,274 --> 01:18:52,952
Ninety-nine.
1199
01:18:52,952 --> 01:18:58,751
I see. This stems from the unfortunate accident
with that church spire.
1200
01:18:58,751 --> 01:19:00,592
Yes, you got the point.
1201
01:19:00,592 --> 01:19:02,875
No, you got the point.
1202
01:19:02,875 --> 01:19:07,238
And you're finding it difficult
to make love to your wife.
1203
01:19:07,238 --> 01:19:09,276
Yes. Can you help me?
1204
01:19:09,276 --> 01:19:11,669
You want me to make love to your wife?
1205
01:19:11,669 --> 01:19:15,116
Ah... no, certainly not!
I want you to help me to do it.
1206
01:19:15,116 --> 01:19:16,758
Jolly good.
1207
01:19:16,758 --> 01:19:18,796
Please drop your trousers.
1208
01:19:21,480 --> 01:19:23,038
I'm quite sure
1209
01:19:23,038 --> 01:19:26,635
your condition is psychological, not pathological.
1210
01:19:26,635 --> 01:19:31,589
There is absolutely no reason
why you cannot enjoy a perfectly
1211
01:19:31,589 --> 01:19:33,716
normal relationship with your wife.
1212
01:19:33,716 --> 01:19:37,315
But I've tried and tried.
1213
01:19:37,315 --> 01:19:40,756
And you can't raise any enthusiasm.
1214
01:19:40,756 --> 01:19:42,398
I can't raise anything.
1215
01:19:44,840 --> 01:19:46,796
You seem to have the right equipment.
1216
01:19:46,796 --> 01:19:48,313
You're very kind.
1217
01:19:49,680 --> 01:19:52,797
Oh, doctor, your hands are very cold.
1218
01:19:52,797 --> 01:19:53,835
Sorry.
1219
01:19:57,040 --> 01:19:57,995
Cough.
1220
01:19:59,320 --> 01:20:01,151
Yes. As I thought.
1221
01:20:01,151 --> 01:20:03,196
It's all in your mind.
1222
01:20:03,196 --> 01:20:04,633
Are you sure?
1223
01:20:04,633 --> 01:20:06,870
I'll prove it. Nurse!
1224
01:20:06,870 --> 01:20:09,793
Wait a minute.
I've got nothing on. I am not decent.
1225
01:20:09,793 --> 01:20:13,634
She's a nurse.
She is used to seeing things like that.
1226
01:20:15,400 --> 01:20:17,231
Open your coat, please, nurse.
1227
01:20:23,680 --> 01:20:25,398
Thank you, nurse.
1228
01:20:27,040 --> 01:20:28,393
You see.
1229
01:20:28,393 --> 01:20:31,916
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're making a fuss
1230
01:20:31,916 --> 01:20:35,629
- about such a little thing.
- I would not say that.
1231
01:20:43,920 --> 01:20:45,876
You will catch a cold in your eye.
1232
01:20:45,876 --> 01:20:47,916
It is incredible.
1233
01:20:47,916 --> 01:20:50,514
- What is?
- She must be in a very bad way.
1234
01:20:50,514 --> 01:20:52,556
What is it? Who's she got in bed now?
1235
01:20:52,556 --> 01:20:55,518
You'll never believe me when I tell you.
The ambassador.
1236
01:20:55,518 --> 01:20:57,238
- Which one?
- Her husband.
1237
01:20:58,280 --> 01:21:01,955
Oh! Well, I suppose a change
is as good as a rest.
1238
01:21:04,680 --> 01:21:06,875
That was wonderful, darling.
1239
01:21:06,875 --> 01:21:09,349
Think nothing of it.
1240
01:21:09,349 --> 01:21:13,149
It's good exercise. It builds up the lumber.
1241
01:21:13,149 --> 01:21:15,310
And your rectus abdominus.
1242
01:21:15,310 --> 01:21:17,356
- I'll tell you something else.
- What?
1243
01:21:17,356 --> 01:21:19,396
It's a lot better than pumping iron.
1244
01:21:22,560 --> 01:21:27,111
I've never stopped taking my pill since...
since I left school.
1245
01:21:28,160 --> 01:21:33,553
Well, the pill is only 99.99% safe, you know.
1246
01:21:33,553 --> 01:21:37,519
I'm afraid you are the unlucky 0.001.
1247
01:21:37,519 --> 01:21:39,556
I've never heard of that before.
1248
01:21:39,556 --> 01:21:41,710
I mean, I don't mind becoming a mother,
1249
01:21:41,710 --> 01:21:44,951
so long as it doesn't interrupt
with my love life too long.
1250
01:21:44,951 --> 01:21:50,558
I would respectfully suggest that a few months
lay-off might do you a world of good.
1251
01:21:51,760 --> 01:21:54,433
It might do the world a world of good, too.
1252
01:21:56,760 --> 01:22:00,673
Well, that's it, then. I think we should celebrate.
1253
01:22:00,673 --> 01:22:03,149
Why not? Let's go behind the screen.
1254
01:22:03,149 --> 01:22:03,911
For why?
1255
01:22:03,911 --> 01:22:07,390
To celebrate. I've been reading
all about how naughty you are,
1256
01:22:07,390 --> 01:22:10,438
and I'm thinking,
we both can be naughty together.
1257
01:22:10,438 --> 01:22:13,239
How dare you? I am a married lady.
1258
01:22:17,600 --> 01:22:18,555
Nurse?
1259
01:22:19,600 --> 01:22:21,192
Coming, doctor.
1260
01:22:21,192 --> 01:22:24,556
- Emile, I have some news for you.
- Yes? What is it, darling?
1261
01:22:24,556 --> 01:22:27,393
What would you say
to an addition to the household?
1262
01:22:27,393 --> 01:22:31,792
Oh, no, no, no. We already had the inflation.
Everything's going up.
1263
01:22:31,792 --> 01:22:36,317
There's Loins, Mrs Dangle, Leyland.
Even old Richmond's had a rise.
1264
01:22:36,317 --> 01:22:39,949
I am talking about a baby. I am pregnant.
1265
01:22:39,949 --> 01:22:42,634
Oh, I feel faint. I must sit down. Oh!
1266
01:22:42,634 --> 01:22:46,759
Oh, I've come over queer.
I'm going to be a father. Oh!
1267
01:22:46,759 --> 01:22:50,037
- You don't mind?
- Mind? I think it's wonderful.
1268
01:22:50,037 --> 01:22:53,476
So do I, but I don't understand
how I get a baby on the pill.
1269
01:22:53,476 --> 01:22:55,596
I have a confession to make to you.
1270
01:22:55,596 --> 01:23:00,435
I wanted to be the only man in your life
and I thought - motherhood.
1271
01:23:00,435 --> 01:23:05,230
- Motherhood?
- A devoted mother doesn't have time to dally.
1272
01:23:05,230 --> 01:23:10,155
- What are you telling me?
- When you were asleep, I took your pills away.
1273
01:23:10,155 --> 01:23:14,028
- But I haven't stopped taking them.
- You thought you were taking them,
1274
01:23:14,028 --> 01:23:18,955
but I got a chemist friend of mine to make up
a substitute and slotted them into your packet.
1275
01:23:18,955 --> 01:23:21,110
- Oh la la!
- You are angry?
1276
01:23:21,110 --> 01:23:25,910
No. So all the time
I have been taking some harmless pills.
1277
01:23:25,910 --> 01:23:28,719
They weren't exactly harmless.
1278
01:23:28,719 --> 01:23:31,792
- What were they?
- They were fertility pills.
1279
01:23:32,240 --> 01:23:34,515
(Babies crying)
1280
01:23:35,680 --> 01:23:37,636
Hip hip... hooray!
1281
01:23:37,636 --> 01:23:39,756
Hip hip hooray!
1282
01:23:39,756 --> 01:23:41,796
(Cheering)
1283
01:23:42,840 --> 01:23:44,637
Don't they look like their father?
1284
01:23:44,637 --> 01:23:47,029
# The woman is love crazy
1285
01:23:47,029 --> 01:23:48,792
# She's loving all night
1286
01:23:48,792 --> 01:23:51,314
# The woman is love crazy
1287
01:23:51,314 --> 01:23:52,958
# Won't stop for a bite
1288
01:23:52,958 --> 01:23:55,793
# The woman is love crazy
1289
01:23:55,793 --> 01:23:57,438
# She's out on her own
1290
01:23:57,438 --> 01:24:01,035
# Sometimes I work so hard
I wish she'd leave me alone
1291
01:24:01,035 --> 01:24:03,509
# The woman is love crazy
1292
01:24:03,509 --> 01:24:05,272
# She's loving all night
1293
01:24:05,272 --> 01:24:07,590
# The woman is love crazy
1294
01:24:07,590 --> 01:24:09,432
# Won't stop for a bite
1295
01:24:09,432 --> 01:24:11,636
# The woman is love crazy
1296
01:24:11,636 --> 01:24:13,551
# She's out on her own
1297
01:24:13,551 --> 01:24:17,713
# Sometimes it gets so hard
I just don't want to go home
1298
01:24:17,713 --> 01:24:19,870
# The woman is love crazy
1299
01:24:19,870 --> 01:24:21,678
# She's loving all night
1300
01:24:21,678 --> 01:24:23,716
# The woman is love crazy
1301
01:24:24,040 --> 01:24:25,996
# Won't stop for a bite
98489
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