All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S31E13.480p.x264-mSD

D'oh!

(grunts)

¶ ¶

I haven't seen you before.

(shouts, blabbering)

(muttering): Yeah, we go
around-- jumping, jump, jump.

Oh, we bouncy ba-- ha, ha.

Release the hounds.

(barking)

I'm so excited Springfield
finally has a vegan restaurant.

I thought you'd
enjoy this, Lisa.

You deserve to have the food
that only you like.

Your St. Louis-style
Baby Back Fibs,

leg of yam and Wagyu beets.

Dad, are you sure
you're okay eating here?

(chuckles)
I can eat anything

as long as I pretend
it once had a face.

- And eyes.
- LISA: Ew.

Why are you both
kissing up to Lisa?

(gasps)
Is this her last meal?

You're gonna want to look thin
in your coffin,

so I'll eat your dessert.

Sure, have my dessert.
You'll look like Dad.

(shrieks)

And for your information,
we are not kissing up.

By the way, Lisa,
have you picked a subject yet

for your "Most Interesting
Person I Know" paper?

Aha! Mystery solved.

Once again, the school pits
parents against each other.

Homer, you're up.
Sell yourself, dude.

Lisa, hi. Homer Simpson,
longtime fan.

Astronaut, sometime taxpayer.

Oh, well, let's see,

"The most interesting person
I know is a white male."

That'll go over great
in today's climate.

I hope you like blowback.

Mom, Dad, I've made my decision.

After a lot of soul-searching,
I've decided to go with...

(both muttering excitedly)

Frink! I'm writing
about Professor Frink.

Who?

You know.
"Flavin, glayvin, hoyvik."

That Coke bottle with teeth?

He's devoted his life to helping
the world through science.

Say, uh, can you tell me
if I came in second or third?

It's best not to proceed
down that road.

Fine. Then I can end
this little vegan charade.

¶ ¶

Professor Frink,
I want to thank you so much

for letting me visit you
during office hours.

His last visitor
was the process server

for the monkey who's suing him.

Um, who's this?

Oh, well,
that's Professor Hessler.

We share the space here.

Pay her no mind.
She's in the humanities.

(sighs)

Professor Frink,
I'd love to know

how you got started in science.

Oh, science? Well, I was created
by science, my dear child.

Oh. That was you?

Oh, no, no, I was the world's
second test-tube baby.

Yes, I-I was greeted
with far less fanfare.

My parents had great chemistry.

Uh, no love,
but they were chemists.

The only way I could get
noticed was through science

(intensifying): and changing
the pitch of my voice

so they couldn't help
but notice me.

But I never had
my breakthrough.

In a world of Einsteins,
I am a James Chadwick.

- LISA: Who?
- Well, exactly.

It's too bad your name
isn't famous.

All this will change,
for I have been developing

my own cryptocurrency.

Oh. I have no idea
what that means.

What do they teach you
at that school?

How to get the teachers coffee.

Yeah-- A-Anyway, I will explain
cryptocurrency by clicking

a link to TV's most beloved
scientist, Mr. Jim Parsons.

People think I'm a nerd,

but I'm actually super cool.

That's why I'm here to talk
about the really cool subject

of distributed consensus-based
cryptocurrency.

Kachinga.

¶ ¶

Could a nerd do that?
I don't think so.

For cryptocurrency to work,
we need a record

of every transaction
that occurs.

These are recorded in what's
called a distributed ledger.

¶ Oh, yeah. ¶

When you use the currency,

the transaction is recorded
in the ledger.

(laughs)
I can dig it.

And when one ledger book
gets filled up,

we add to a "chain"
of previous books.

That's the "blockchain."

Later, glitches.

JIM PARSONS:
If you'd like to learn more

about how
cryptocurrencies work,

here's everything else
you need to know.

And goodbye from me,
super cool Jim Parsons.

(gasps) It went in.
It went in! It went in!

It went in! It went in--
You saw it! It went in!

So will Frinkcoin
finally be the invention

that makes me rich?

Or will...
(shouts)

Well, uh, thank you
for your support.

Frinkcoin, the brainchild
of longtime bachelor...

of science, Professor Frink,
is making a mint.

Arnie Pye is live
at the news conference.

I don't know why, Kent.

With all the layoffs,
they've got me,

the traffic guy,
on the science beat.

I just found out
how a helicopter flies.

It's terrifying!

(chuckles) Well, whatever
the heck that was,

Frinkcoin was just rated
the world's most stable

financial instrument,
beating gold,

the renminbi and roadside corn.

Well, can't eat
no cryptocurrency

when the grid goes down.

That's why I started
my hedge fund.

- (sighs)
- (bird caws)

Another billionaire?
How did he make his money?

Paraffin? Castor oil?

Whale bone corsets
for the woman who dares?

Actually, cryptocurrency.

Oh, I know about cryptocurrency.
I have it in my crypt.

No, sir, this is a new kind
of digital currency,

based on blockchain.

Oh, I know all about blockchain.

Again, not what you're thinking.

This new currency
has made Professor Frink

the richest man in Springfield.

Wait. Are you saying I am no
longer the richest man in town?

(sighs)
I'm afraid not, Monty.

You have the gall
to call me Monty?

Just because you chew my food

makes you think
we're on a first-name basis?

Of course not, sir.
I'll never do that again.

I will have my dinner now.

Lobster Thermidor.

Start chewing.

But, sir,
I-I'm allergic to shellfish.

And I'm not, Wayland.

It went in-- You saw it.
It went in!

(sighs)

Hi, Professor.

I wanted to see
how you're enjoying

your newfound fame and wealth.

He hasn't invested in deodorant.
I can tell you that much.

Well, the first ten million
went to pay off student loans.

S-Strange, strange.

I have the fame and fortune
I've always desired and yet,

I'm-- well, I'm as empty
as a Dewar vacuum flask.

Well, maybe it's time
to take care of yourself now.

What are the things
that you've always wanted?

Oh, let's see, I've always
wanted one of those pens

with the four different colors.

I fashioned one myself,
but it's, uh,

it's a tad bit unwieldy.

You can get those pens,
and so much more.

Do they make a silencer
for his constant nasal whistle?

(whistles)
Well, you know what?

You will never have to worry
about my adenoidal hiss again.

(whistles)

(whistling)

I can still hear it!

He's in Chicago, for God's sake!

Moe, Lisa has offered
to pay my bar tab.

You do accept Frinkcoin, right?

I'll accept any currency
except the Albanian lek.

I sunk everything I had into it,

and now I ain't got
two qindarkas to rub together.

But that Frink, man,
boy, he's sure got it made.

Yeah, I wonder
what he's doing now.

I said I wonder
what he's doing now!

Yes, come in.

So, are you happier?

No. No-- I got everything
I wanted.

Even the pen.
But I'm-I'm still sad.

Aw, poor guy.

- (gasps)
- What?

That's just Amazon delivery.
Calm yourself.

You should have seen
poor Professor Frink, Dad.

Poor Frink?
He's the richest guy in town.

But he's not rich in the most
important thing there is.

Health?

(grunting)

Oh, yeah.

No. The most important thing
is friends.

Dad, you should take
Professor Frink to Moe's.

Oh, I can't do that. It's like
having your mother's sisters

come for a visit.

Actually, they're coming
in 20 minutes.

Taking Frink to Moe's.

Never seen a fat man
move so fast.

Got a cigarette?

Not since we moved to Disney.

All right, next question--
Hey! Pay attention.

Name a drink made
from hops and barley.

Barley hops?

No.

- Meryl Streep?
- Good guess, but no.

Uh, hey, guys,

I was wondering if my friend
Professor Frink and I

could join you?

All right, but we've been
playing a long time.

Don't expect to just come in and
join a wall of trivia champs.

FRINK:
Well-- oh, my goodness,
well, no one...

The Bay City Rollers,
Ed "Too Tall" Jones,

the cronut and ring-a-levio,

also known as ring-o-lario
on Staten Island,

but those people are, well,
they're quite backward.

- All correct.
- (cheering)

I'm "Too Tall" Jones, and even
I didn't know the answer was me.

- Sir?
- Oh, it's "sir" now, is it?

Not "Monty" or "Queen B"?

(chuckles)
No, sir.

And I really appreciate
the long, healthy walk

from my new parking spot.

- (wind whooshing)
- (bird caws)

Get in all 10,000 steps.

Good, the two things
I can't take

are insubordination
and a slight breeze.

- (wind whooshing)
- (groaning)

Mm, yeah. Uh, sir,
to make you the wealthiest man

in town again,
I've assembled a team

of the greatest mathematicians
and cryptographers

to ever leave their rooms.

They're here to develop...
Burnscoin.

Will there be actual coins?

If so, make sure they're made

from something men
must die mining.

Is there an ivory
that comes from people?

So, here are the programmers
working on your currency.

And I've discovered some serious
issues with this nuclear plant.

By my calculations,
the cracks in the coolant pipes

are growing exponentially.

Smithers, give this poindexter
a McKinley Rub.

(groaning)

Now, listen here,
you magna cum losers!

You are here for one reason
and one reason only:

to create a pseudo currency
like the Bitcoin or the peso

that will make me rich.

So rich I could buy
ten NFL teams.

Not the Jets.

Okay, people, laptops open,

headphones on, Red Bulls popped.

We'll get this, Monty.

(steam hissing)

Uh, I mean, I'm a sick man, sir.

I'll get help.

Wayland, I think what you're
doing comes out of anger.

Are you upset with Mr. Burns?

- No.
- Please, you're safe here.

Oh, the things I've done for
that hollow-boned horror show!

That interview he did
for Vanity Fair?

I wrote all his answers.

Like he would ever spend
a weekend in Santa Barbara.

I'm the one
who loves Sideways-- me!

Does anyone have any thoughts
about how Wayland

can approach these feelings?

You? Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I don't know your name yet.

Well, I learned in dealing
with Bruce Willis that--

(exclaims) I'm sorry!

Whenever I say his name I expect
a phone to be thrown at me.

- Christian Bale.
- Roseanne.

- Jared Leto.
- Roseanne!

- Katherine Heigl.
- Trump.

-Trump.
-Trump.
-Roseanne!

Wayland, I'm going
to write you a prescription

for Sychophantanyl.

Take one every time you feel

like saying
what you really think.

Ah, thank you.

- (phone vibrates)
- I just got a text.

Anyone here who works
for Mariah Carey,

meet her at SoulCycle
and bring a kitten... now!

(kittens meow)

- (cheering)
- Listen, Professor,

why-why are we hanging
around Moe's Tavern

when we could be somewhere good?

Fear not, my new best friends.

I will take you on a tour

of Springfield's
finest establishments.

Come on, let's go.
It'll be joyous,

and raucous, and other things.

Three cheers for Frink!

Actually, studies show
that one and a half

is the optimum number
of cheers, so...

ALL:
Hip hip hooray!

- Hip hip--
- And done.

FRINK:
¶ If you're poor
and find yourself ¶

¶ Outside the door,
just ask me ¶

¶ To buy your drink ¶

¶ Hangin' with the Frink ¶

¶ Clink my link,
you'll swim, not sink ¶

¶ Here is my pitch,
come on, be rich ¶

¶ Hey, what's to think ¶

¶ Hangin' with the Frink ¶

¶ Ah, yeah! ¶

This Frink has been gold
peacocking all over town.

What's taking you
Slide Rule Charlies so long?

We aren't able to create
a cryptocurrency

as powerful as the Frinkcoin.

But... this equation,
if solved,

could make all digital coins
worthless.

Including Frink's.

Excellent.

How long will it take to solve?

Well, if we work weekends
and bring in some extra help,

I'd say 90,000 years.

- Uh-huh, uh, yeah, uh-huh.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.

- Bah!
- Ow. Ow.

- Ow. Ow.
- Ah.

Get out!

(straining)

As for Frink,
if I can't break his bank,

I'll break his spirit.

(groaning)

(ship horn blows)

Amazing, Professor!

- You win again!
- (helicopter whirring)

(exclaims) This is my
only suit of clothes!

Ahoy-hoy!
I was in the neighborhood

and thought
we might have a drink.

You know, billionaire
to billionaire.

Oh, I just love champagne

that's been in space, don't you?

Now, listen to me, your friends
don't give a whit about you.

That is not true!

Those guys are my best buddies!

Fatso and Drunky
and the evil bartender there.

Well, think about this,
Professor.

The curse of wealth
is that you will never,

ever again know
if anyone truly likes you.

Oh, my, could it be
that they're,

well, they're really
just leeches?

(grunts)

Hmm. Mm.

(whistles)

(sighs):
Oh, evil and, uh...

Frink interview, final chapter,
"Happily Ever After."

I'm just so unbelievably sad.

I mean, is he right?

Do I really have
no true friends?

ROBOT:
Come get some.

Don't worry about
what Mr. Burns says.

He's a vicious old viper
who knows

nothing of the human heart.

Oh, and you do?

Well, I've seen a lot
for an eight-year-old.

My parents have split up
nearly a thousand times.

My brother is a scab
on society's knee.

And every time I get a pony
or make a friend,

they get the hell out of town.

Wow, you have lived
quite a life.

Yeah, it's not all bad.

I had a jazz friend.

(sighs) Who died.

(slurping)

BURNS:
Here's my plan, Smithers.

We put the equation here.

And the ingenuity of crowds will
solve it for us by tomorrow,

thus rendering all
cryptocurrency worthless.

Well, what if they don't?

Don't worry, Smithers.

If this doesn't work, I'll get
some of my old Yale buddies in.

Well, they're dead and their
children are dead, sir.

Oh, my.

Mm? Hmm.

Someone's gonna solve that?

This town is so dumb,
they built an indoor windfarm.

They're so dumb, they need
a recipe to make ice!

Stay in your lane, Mel!

You've given me no lane!

Eh, at least it's
not another billboard

complaining about crimes
I haven't solved.

(dramatic music playing)

Who would do this, Lou?

Who?!

All my life, I believed
in the scientific meth-od.

I need proof that
my friends actually are...

(clears throat)
...uh, uh, friends.

(door creaks)

Hey, Professor.

Boy, I can't wait
to sit in the skybox

for the big game today.

I'm gonna have
chicken and popcorn

and never watch the game.

Well, I'm so sorry,
change in plans.

You see, the skybox
wasn't available,

so I got regular tickets.

Oh, that reminds me.

I need to have a cyst removed.

Now's as good a time as any.

Yeah, and I got to be there

to say, uh,
"Do not resuscitate."

Do resuscitate!

Ah, uh, I really should
write that down.

(door creaks)

All right, now, now, the
experiment is not yet complete.

Let's just see here.

(laughter)

Oh, Professor, you kill me!

I never heard such a crazy
bunch of nonsense talk.

Yeah, I-I was speaking
Mandarin Chinese.

So... this time,
would one of you

be so kind as to, uh...

No one outsmarts ol' Gil.

(exclaims)
Ooh, hot, hot, hot!

Cha-cha!

Well, that's it, from now on,

my only company will be A.I.,
I insist.

ROBOT:
My first independent thought is

- I dislike you.
- (groans)

¶ ¶

Oh, thank God you woke me.

I was having a terrible dream.

Oh, about what?

All the awful things I've done.

Oh, I knew you
shouldn't have had

that second blueberry at dinner,

but this is why I brought you.

Look, someone posted a solution
on the whiteboard.

Frink is ruined!

¶ ¶

Yarr, this problem has been
speared in the head,

hauled on the deck,
and sliced up the guts,

eh, mathematically speaking.

Yarr.

So, who found the solution?

Did I do it?

No...

Hmm, I guess we'll never know.

The important thing
is that once again,

I am the richest man

in a town of 32,000 people.

Excellent.

¶ ¶

And so, the equation was solved.

Solved by the one person
who could solve it:

Professor John Frink.

End of report.

How did you know?

A girl learns a lot writing
a second grade report.

I knew that you'd be willing to
throw away everything you had,

because it didn't mean anything.

And I had a pretty good idea

of what your handwriting
looks like.

Also, anyone else
smart enough to solve this

is too smart to come
to Springfield.

Well, you really understand me.

Young lady,
you are my best friend.

Hoyvik.

Aw, really?

Well, beware, I lose
everything I care about.

Well, you won't lose me.

I'll always be right here.

In this flash drive.

I will treasure this forever.

(chuckling)

I had a billion dollars--
what have I done?!

Ugh. Ten glorious days of peace.

I was able to finish
my dissertation.

Losing a billion dollars
means nothing

as long as I see you again.

Are we gonna do this?

(grunts)

(both moaning)

(nose whistling)

(moaning continues)

¶ ¶

¶ Thanks for the currency ¶

¶ All my dollar bills ¶

¶ Piled up to the hills ¶

¶ Ruble, pound, or Deutschmark ¶

¶ You all give me
such thrills. ¶

Didn't I fight alongside you
in the war?

Um, we weren't on the same side,

but I was there.
(chuckles)

Ooh, much better.

¶ Thanks ¶

¶ For the currency ¶

¶ We watched it rise and fall ¶

FRINK: ¶ But we both had a ball ¶

BOTH: ¶ We made this song so long ¶

¶ It spilled into the crawl. ¶

FRINK:
Hoyvik.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!