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1
00:00:02,569 --> 00:00:04,068
There you are.
2
00:00:04,154 --> 00:00:05,820
Why aren't you in bed?
3
00:00:05,905 --> 00:00:08,923
I just put the moves on your pillow.
4
00:00:08,948 --> 00:00:11,887
I remembered that Emme has to
do a "My Life" project for school
5
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:13,712
and she asked for some baby pictures.
6
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,297
Project, school, baby.
7
00:00:15,382 --> 00:00:17,415
These are not sexy words.
8
00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:20,051
I can't find any of Emme.
9
00:00:20,087 --> 00:00:22,347
We have a ton of the
older kids. You see?
10
00:00:22,372 --> 00:00:25,557
We have Kate and Teddy, each
going potty for the first time.
11
00:00:27,884 --> 00:00:29,691
Look at the boy strainin'.
12
00:00:31,348 --> 00:00:33,816
Face like a frustrated tomato.
13
00:00:34,363 --> 00:00:37,103
Well, what happened?
It's like we started off
14
00:00:37,128 --> 00:00:39,271
as good parents and
then we just gave up.
15
00:00:39,356 --> 00:00:43,158
Okay, let's look at it
in baseball terms, okay?
16
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,004
We won the first two
games of the series,
17
00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:46,495
and then we phoned in the third.
18
00:00:47,471 --> 00:00:49,138
We were saving our bullpen.
19
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:52,084
Wait a minute. Didn't
I ask you to put a box
20
00:00:52,169 --> 00:00:54,286
of old baby pictures in
the top of Kate's closet?
21
00:00:54,371 --> 00:00:57,789
I don't know. You tell me to put
a lot of boxes a lot of places.
22
00:00:58,329 --> 00:00:59,795
Come on, help me get them down.
23
00:00:59,820 --> 00:01:02,342
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if we fooled around,
24
00:01:02,367 --> 00:01:04,967
- then got the pictures?
- Oh, honey,
25
00:01:04,992 --> 00:01:05,764
if you're that worked up,
26
00:01:05,789 --> 00:01:07,640
just finish what you
started with my pillow.
27
00:01:11,021 --> 00:01:15,107
I don't even know if your
pillow likes me like that.
28
00:01:18,158 --> 00:01:20,362
(WHISPERING): Shh. We
don't want to wake her up.
29
00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:22,064
She's our favorite.
30
00:01:22,149 --> 00:01:23,649
That's not funny.
31
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:31,074
32
00:01:33,350 --> 00:01:34,543
(WHISPERING): Kate.
33
00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:36,578
What are you doing? Did you sneak out?
34
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,580
Why am I still whispering?
35
00:01:39,917 --> 00:01:41,273
Downstairs. Now.
36
00:01:41,298 --> 00:01:42,597
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
37
00:01:42,622 --> 00:01:45,145
This is her first sneak-out. Hold on.
38
00:01:47,356 --> 00:01:49,675
- Oh! It's a keeper.
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
39
00:01:58,781 --> 00:02:00,882
Kate, why would you sneak out?
40
00:02:00,907 --> 00:02:03,951
Was it boys? Booze? Boys and booze?
41
00:02:04,256 --> 00:02:06,677
No, it wasn't like that.
I-I was at Shelby's.
42
00:02:06,746 --> 00:02:08,746
We both like A55-4U.
43
00:02:08,815 --> 00:02:09,815
Wh-What is that?
44
00:02:09,882 --> 00:02:11,902
What is that? Some new drug? Huh?
45
00:02:11,927 --> 00:02:13,718
Andi, get me a frying pan and an egg.
46
00:02:13,803 --> 00:02:15,386
We're doing the "brain on drugs" thing.
47
00:02:15,471 --> 00:02:18,305
No, no, no! It's-it's a band I like.
48
00:02:18,391 --> 00:02:19,857
Okay, well, if that's true,
49
00:02:19,892 --> 00:02:21,809
why didn't you just tell
us you were going out?
50
00:02:21,894 --> 00:02:24,645
Because it's a school night,
and I knew Dad wouldn't let me.
51
00:02:24,731 --> 00:02:26,480
It's like I'm in jail.
52
00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:28,699
Oh, well...
53
00:02:28,735 --> 00:02:30,275
we don't want you to
feel like a prisoner.
54
00:02:30,299 --> 00:02:32,787
Yes, we do.
55
00:02:32,812 --> 00:02:35,985
This is a prison, and
your sentence is 18 years.
56
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:37,408
Hold on.
57
00:02:37,493 --> 00:02:39,670
Maybe we should hear
what she has to say.
58
00:02:39,695 --> 00:02:42,467
She did her talking when
she climbed out her window.
59
00:02:42,492 --> 00:02:43,678
- Adam.
- Andi!
60
00:02:43,703 --> 00:02:45,966
- Dad!
- You go to your room.
61
00:02:46,435 --> 00:02:48,753
(HUFFS) This is so unfair!
62
00:02:48,838 --> 00:02:51,357
I was just listening to music!
63
00:02:51,382 --> 00:02:52,739
Katie stomping up the stairs...
64
00:02:52,764 --> 00:02:55,138
that's music we listen to every day!
65
00:02:56,749 --> 00:02:58,248
Hilarious!
66
00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:00,694
Adam.
67
00:03:00,719 --> 00:03:02,610
Wait for the door slam.
68
00:03:02,635 --> 00:03:03,712
(DOOR SLAMS)
69
00:03:05,104 --> 00:03:06,635
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
70
00:03:06,659 --> 00:03:09,234
I am thinking about our daughter, okay?
71
00:03:09,259 --> 00:03:10,858
Caring about how your children feel
72
00:03:10,943 --> 00:03:12,408
is part of being a modern parent.
73
00:03:12,433 --> 00:03:15,780
Oh, modern parenting
is ruining our country.
74
00:03:15,865 --> 00:03:17,930
Okay? We coddle our kids
75
00:03:17,955 --> 00:03:20,918
so that everyone thinks they're special.
76
00:03:20,953 --> 00:03:23,865
You know who was
special? Mary Lou Retton.
77
00:03:24,373 --> 00:03:26,006
Oh, this is gonna take a while.
78
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:28,209
Yeah. Settle in.
79
00:03:28,294 --> 00:03:30,317
Did Mary Lou Retton get a hug
80
00:03:30,342 --> 00:03:32,213
when she fell off the balance beam?
81
00:03:32,298 --> 00:03:36,217
No. She got screamed at
by an angry, old Romanian.
82
00:03:36,903 --> 00:03:39,270
So she dug deep and won the gold.
83
00:03:39,305 --> 00:03:40,945
Well, maybe Mary Lou
would've been happier
84
00:03:40,973 --> 00:03:42,807
if she'd gotten a few
more hugs. Uh-huh, yeah.
85
00:03:42,892 --> 00:03:44,676
You know what feels better than a hug?
86
00:03:44,701 --> 00:03:46,727
Kicking Russia's ass in gymnastics!
87
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,267
And while I feel like
I have the upper hand,
88
00:03:50,292 --> 00:03:51,362
there's something else I want to say
89
00:03:51,386 --> 00:03:53,701
that I have been holding
in for a long time.
90
00:03:53,786 --> 00:03:55,619
This all goes back
91
00:03:55,644 --> 00:03:56,893
to sleep training.
92
00:03:56,918 --> 00:04:00,086
Oh, my God. That was 15 years ago!
93
00:04:00,111 --> 00:04:01,826
Since the beginning of time,
94
00:04:01,911 --> 00:04:05,045
kids have figured out
how to go to sleep.
95
00:04:05,131 --> 00:04:07,915
They cried until they got
bored, and when no one came in,
96
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,000
they nodded off.
97
00:04:09,405 --> 00:04:12,386
And those cave kids
were so well-rested,
98
00:04:12,471 --> 00:04:14,168
they invented fire!
99
00:04:15,301 --> 00:04:18,642
But then, in the year 2003,
100
00:04:18,678 --> 00:04:22,730
some parents decided
that they knew better.
101
00:04:23,184 --> 00:04:27,533
And those parents...
are sitting on our couch.
102
00:04:29,488 --> 00:04:31,439
I know we agreed to let Kate cry it out,
103
00:04:31,464 --> 00:04:32,740
but I couldn't do it.
104
00:04:32,765 --> 00:04:33,548
All right?
105
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:35,943
And when I picked her
up, she loved me so much.
106
00:04:36,028 --> 00:04:37,995
Well, I hope it was worth it.
107
00:04:38,132 --> 00:04:39,921
Because I can draw a direct line
108
00:04:39,941 --> 00:04:41,107
between you picking Katie up
109
00:04:41,192 --> 00:04:43,159
to her climbing through a window.
110
00:04:43,468 --> 00:04:46,362
Modern parenting.
111
00:04:47,561 --> 00:04:49,647
Well, I don't want
our kids sneaking out.
112
00:04:49,672 --> 00:04:51,005
I don't know.
113
00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:54,504
Maybe... maybe... I've
been too easy on her.
114
00:04:54,589 --> 00:04:55,421
Yes.
115
00:04:55,457 --> 00:04:57,840
And maybe... maybe...
116
00:04:57,926 --> 00:05:00,877
we need to shake things up,
get this thing back on track.
117
00:05:00,962 --> 00:05:02,378
No, I-I can see that.
118
00:05:02,464 --> 00:05:04,964
I mean, you know,
somewhere between cave kids
119
00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:07,758
and angry Romanians,
you made a good point.
120
00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:11,650
Okay. You're in charge.
121
00:05:11,675 --> 00:05:13,091
Really?
122
00:05:13,116 --> 00:05:14,999
Yeah. What do you want to do?
123
00:05:15,024 --> 00:05:16,643
I have dreamed about this moment.
124
00:05:16,728 --> 00:05:19,145
Okay, first of all, no more modern.
125
00:05:19,230 --> 00:05:22,350
We are going old school. Shock and awe.
126
00:05:22,375 --> 00:05:23,816
Huh? But you got to back me up.
127
00:05:23,902 --> 00:05:25,234
Oh, you-you have my word.
128
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:26,964
I won't even give her
the pizza bagel I made
129
00:05:26,988 --> 00:05:28,382
'cause she was hungry from sneaking out.
130
00:05:28,406 --> 00:05:31,157
- (TIMER DINGS)
- I'll take it. Dads eat first.
131
00:05:33,087 --> 00:05:34,503
That's old school.
132
00:05:36,677 --> 00:05:37,730
ANDI: So, Emme,
133
00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,133
obviously, I took a million
baby pictures of you,
134
00:05:40,168 --> 00:05:41,918
but I can't find any of them
135
00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:43,920
because your old babysitter stole them.
136
00:05:45,006 --> 00:05:46,556
Yeah, yeah, she, uh,
137
00:05:46,641 --> 00:05:48,257
she-she sent them to a modeling agency
138
00:05:48,343 --> 00:05:50,878
since you're so darn cute.
139
00:05:51,378 --> 00:05:53,429
But don't try to track
those pictures down.
140
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:57,262
That modeling agency was
swallowed by a giant whale.
141
00:05:58,481 --> 00:05:59,813
Uh-huh.
142
00:06:00,950 --> 00:06:03,094
So, for your school project,
143
00:06:03,119 --> 00:06:04,367
we are going to...
144
00:06:04,392 --> 00:06:07,365
- fake a baby picture.
- Pop in this binky,
145
00:06:07,390 --> 00:06:09,723
and we'll take one from
far away so you look small.
146
00:06:12,985 --> 00:06:14,835
KATE: Oh, my God! Mom!
147
00:06:14,860 --> 00:06:17,503
Dad took my door!
148
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,596
Welcome to the old school.
149
00:06:20,621 --> 00:06:23,206
Katie, you have shown
that you can't be trusted.
150
00:06:23,231 --> 00:06:24,043
This way,
151
00:06:24,068 --> 00:06:26,045
I can keep track of your every move.
152
00:06:26,131 --> 00:06:29,098
Plus, what are you gonna
slam now, Slammy Davis Jr.?
153
00:06:37,206 --> 00:06:39,373
Why do we have so many doors?
154
00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:42,047
This seems hard. Have you considered
155
00:06:42,072 --> 00:06:44,230
just letting it be her
boyfriend's problem someday?
156
00:06:47,749 --> 00:06:50,069
- (KATE LAUGHING)
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.
157
00:06:50,399 --> 00:06:53,700
- (KATE CONTINUES LAUGHING)
- (MOCK CHUCKLING)
158
00:06:57,549 --> 00:06:58,886
What are you doing?
159
00:06:59,426 --> 00:07:01,547
Katie is in her closet laughing it up
160
00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:03,466
with her friend on the phone.
161
00:07:03,551 --> 00:07:05,718
She is in trouble. Why is she laughing?
162
00:07:05,754 --> 00:07:06,919
- Well...
- I'll tell you why.
163
00:07:07,005 --> 00:07:08,888
Okay, you go.
164
00:07:09,250 --> 00:07:10,883
Modern parenting.
165
00:07:13,455 --> 00:07:15,204
Oh, that's it?
166
00:07:15,263 --> 00:07:17,208
I thought you were gonna
talk for ten minutes again,
167
00:07:17,232 --> 00:07:19,649
and I was gonna go grab a
granola bar for sustenance.
168
00:07:20,198 --> 00:07:22,056
She doesn't get to be happy.
169
00:07:22,081 --> 00:07:24,713
In old school, no one is happy.
170
00:07:24,838 --> 00:07:27,490
Look at any old-timey
picture. Miserable!
171
00:07:28,371 --> 00:07:29,621
Mm.
172
00:07:30,278 --> 00:07:32,245
(KATIE CONTINUES LAUGHING)
173
00:07:32,826 --> 00:07:34,292
Eh-eh-eh?
174
00:07:36,201 --> 00:07:37,083
Busted.
175
00:07:37,118 --> 00:07:38,251
For what?
176
00:07:38,286 --> 00:07:40,547
Excessive laughing.
177
00:07:40,955 --> 00:07:43,289
You just lost your closet door, missy.
178
00:07:45,084 --> 00:07:47,711
Andi, get my tools.
179
00:07:47,766 --> 00:07:49,126
Why don't you just take her phone?
180
00:07:49,457 --> 00:07:50,840
That's smarter.
181
00:07:50,865 --> 00:07:52,048
And meaner. (CHUCKLES)
182
00:07:52,968 --> 00:07:55,185
You just lost your phone, missy.
183
00:07:55,638 --> 00:07:57,013
(SIGHS)
184
00:07:57,232 --> 00:07:59,138
She'll call you back in a few years.
185
00:07:59,224 --> 00:08:01,144
- (CHUCKLES)
- Wait, hold on.
186
00:08:01,169 --> 00:08:03,995
I need that. I'm doing a
group project for Spanish.
187
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:06,229
Oh. Okay, well, if it's for school,
188
00:08:06,314 --> 00:08:08,614
you can have a phone. I'm reasonable.
189
00:08:08,650 --> 00:08:10,739
I'm not reasonable.
190
00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:12,983
Enjoy your new phone.
191
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,311
It's so old; is it for
talking to dead people?
192
00:08:18,237 --> 00:08:20,209
From now on, this...
193
00:08:20,295 --> 00:08:22,628
is the only phone you
are allowed to use.
194
00:08:22,664 --> 00:08:26,299
And I can keep an eye on you,
because you can only go as far
195
00:08:26,334 --> 00:08:28,751
as the cord will reach. (CHUCKLES)
196
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,617
I got to make that cord shorter.
197
00:08:39,270 --> 00:08:41,237
Where'd you even get that thing?
198
00:08:42,273 --> 00:08:43,577
Where's our phone?
199
00:08:44,355 --> 00:08:46,108
Adam said he needed it.
200
00:08:46,194 --> 00:08:48,361
He better not be calling long distance.
201
00:08:50,044 --> 00:08:51,677
KATE: So, I'll start the presentation
202
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:55,233
by saying, "La historia
de los conquistadores
203
00:08:55,258 --> 00:08:57,341
es muy fascinante."
204
00:08:58,897 --> 00:09:00,449
Enjoying your breakfast?
205
00:09:00,930 --> 00:09:05,066
I know this is annoying,
but it is all gonna pay off.
206
00:09:10,511 --> 00:09:11,711
Spoon?
207
00:09:12,689 --> 00:09:14,220
Thank you. (CHUCKLES)
208
00:09:14,245 --> 00:09:17,587
And then you'll say, "Yo no sabia eso."
209
00:09:17,612 --> 00:09:18,995
I'll bet she's saying curse words.
210
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,186
She's real mad at you.
211
00:09:20,764 --> 00:09:22,731
Good. By the way,
212
00:09:22,756 --> 00:09:25,864
part of our old-school rules,
kids clean up after themselves.
213
00:09:25,889 --> 00:09:27,860
Can you please put your
dirty glass in the sink?
214
00:09:27,896 --> 00:09:28,896
Happy to.
215
00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:30,613
Mm-hmm.
216
00:09:30,698 --> 00:09:32,949
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
217
00:09:33,034 --> 00:09:34,901
I will clear the table.
218
00:09:37,662 --> 00:09:38,738
Yeah, that's good.
219
00:09:38,763 --> 00:09:40,576
And then I'll say,
220
00:09:40,601 --> 00:09:45,976
"Los conquistadores
eran guerreros viciosos."
221
00:09:49,717 --> 00:09:51,050
All right.
222
00:09:51,085 --> 00:09:54,131
Katie, honey... (CHUCKLES)
223
00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:55,504
let me show you something.
224
00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:56,923
(CHUCKLING)
225
00:10:00,186 --> 00:10:02,228
Adam, do we have a...
226
00:10:02,263 --> 00:10:05,648
time frame on how long
this is gonna take?
227
00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:08,017
I mean, when do we know we won?
228
00:10:08,102 --> 00:10:11,941
When she says, "I was wrong.
You were right. I'm sorry."
229
00:10:11,966 --> 00:10:14,740
You know, that thing I
always end up saying to you.
230
00:10:15,399 --> 00:10:17,198
But you're so good at it.
231
00:10:17,223 --> 00:10:19,578
Practice does make perfect.
232
00:10:20,774 --> 00:10:24,325
Kate was outside speaking
Spanish into my telephone.
233
00:10:24,350 --> 00:10:27,735
If that was an international
call, you're paying for it.
234
00:10:29,649 --> 00:10:31,674
Hey, Dad, you're gonna love this.
235
00:10:31,759 --> 00:10:33,259
Since we caught Katie sneaking out,
236
00:10:33,294 --> 00:10:35,544
I have been making her life miserable
237
00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,014
with some tough, old-school parenting.
238
00:10:38,099 --> 00:10:39,799
Oh, really giving her the business, huh?
239
00:10:39,884 --> 00:10:41,634
Oh, I am locked in.
240
00:10:41,719 --> 00:10:45,221
I was up all night thinking of
different ways to bum Katie out.
241
00:10:45,306 --> 00:10:46,750
So you're turning your life upside down
242
00:10:46,774 --> 00:10:49,308
- to teach a kid a lesson?
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
243
00:10:49,394 --> 00:10:52,228
That's the furthest thing from
old school I've ever heard.
244
00:10:52,997 --> 00:10:54,981
What? What? You don't get it.
245
00:10:55,066 --> 00:10:57,761
I took Katie's bedroom door.
246
00:10:57,786 --> 00:11:01,454
A door is like a teenager's
favorite thing, and I took it!
247
00:11:01,489 --> 00:11:04,874
That is stone-cold old.
248
00:11:04,959 --> 00:11:06,943
Son, when you were a kid,
249
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:08,961
I didn't even know if you had a door.
250
00:11:08,997 --> 00:11:11,247
That's old school.
251
00:11:11,332 --> 00:11:13,632
We believed in fresh air for kids.
252
00:11:13,668 --> 00:11:17,003
Every morning, we just put
you outside like a milk bottle.
253
00:11:17,088 --> 00:11:19,138
What?
254
00:11:21,422 --> 00:11:23,976
Oh, no.
255
00:11:24,012 --> 00:11:27,163
Adam, what's wrong, honey? Are...? Oh.
256
00:11:27,188 --> 00:11:30,491
Are-are you sad 'cause your dad
didn't know if you had a door?
257
00:11:30,516 --> 00:11:33,912
What? It's worse than that.
258
00:11:34,397 --> 00:11:36,022
I'm a modern parent.
259
00:11:36,968 --> 00:11:39,147
Bev, he seems upset.
260
00:11:39,172 --> 00:11:41,389
Give him one of your muscle relaxers.
261
00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:46,088
I can't believe this. I'm so modern,
262
00:11:46,113 --> 00:11:48,146
I don't even know what
old school is anymore.
263
00:11:48,215 --> 00:11:51,149
I'm like a cat wearing a dog costume.
264
00:11:52,055 --> 00:11:54,131
Well, you've always been sensitive.
265
00:11:54,156 --> 00:11:55,210
Remember that time
266
00:11:55,235 --> 00:11:57,850
you stood in front of
the lobster tank crying?
267
00:11:58,533 --> 00:12:00,249
I was six.
268
00:12:00,274 --> 00:12:01,688
You told me to pick my favorite one.
269
00:12:01,712 --> 00:12:04,546
I didn't know what
was gonna happen next.
270
00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:06,265
They put the bib on him,
271
00:12:06,290 --> 00:12:08,865
- and all hell broke loose.
- Yeah.
272
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:10,336
Well, don't beat yourself up.
273
00:12:10,361 --> 00:12:12,104
I mean, you're not so modern.
274
00:12:12,139 --> 00:12:14,806
You still hose down the
driveway in your bathrobe.
275
00:12:15,328 --> 00:12:18,143
That's just to give the
neighbor ladies a thrill.
276
00:12:20,108 --> 00:12:20,973
Hey,
277
00:12:20,998 --> 00:12:23,565
Grandma, do you have that
baby picture for my project?
278
00:12:23,650 --> 00:12:26,099
I sure do, honey.
279
00:12:26,124 --> 00:12:27,672
- There you go.
- Thanks.
280
00:12:27,697 --> 00:12:29,363
- Hmm.
- Wow.
281
00:12:29,388 --> 00:12:31,323
Did you see that? We didn't have
282
00:12:31,408 --> 00:12:33,428
what Emme needed, so she asked Bev.
283
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:34,871
She's resourceful.
284
00:12:34,896 --> 00:12:36,824
- Yeah, we raised her right.
- Yeah.
285
00:12:36,849 --> 00:12:38,296
She's the one we raised the least.
286
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,252
That's true.
287
00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:48,567
We did the best job with Emme
by barely doing the job at all.
288
00:12:48,957 --> 00:12:51,560
That's what we should
be doing with Katie.
289
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:54,513
Back off and let life
teach her some lessons.
290
00:12:54,598 --> 00:12:57,597
Oh, I like it. I can
really get behind that,
291
00:12:57,622 --> 00:13:00,162
instead of fake getting behind
what you were doing before.
292
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,605
Yes, you can, because
I re-figured this out.
293
00:13:03,690 --> 00:13:06,658
I thought I was old school,
but I was really new school.
294
00:13:06,693 --> 00:13:10,829
Now I need to go old old school.
295
00:13:10,864 --> 00:13:12,664
You already talked more about this
296
00:13:12,699 --> 00:13:15,681
than I've talked about
you in your entire life.
297
00:13:17,204 --> 00:13:18,870
I keep looking for a way to leave,
298
00:13:18,895 --> 00:13:20,172
but he just won't stop. Yeah.
299
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,674
You know what?
300
00:13:22,966 --> 00:13:25,662
Keep the phone. Life's too short.
301
00:13:28,715 --> 00:13:30,348
Your mother and I have decided to go
302
00:13:30,384 --> 00:13:32,017
with a different punishment.
303
00:13:32,052 --> 00:13:34,020
From now on, we're gonna
give you more freedom.
304
00:13:34,045 --> 00:13:35,437
How do you feel about that?
305
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,866
- I... like it?
- Hmm.
306
00:13:38,308 --> 00:13:40,025
Well, you won't for long,
307
00:13:40,050 --> 00:13:42,194
because in real life,
there's consequences.
308
00:13:42,229 --> 00:13:44,029
Yeah, you think we're tough?
309
00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:46,198
Life's a real son of a gun.
310
00:13:46,699 --> 00:13:49,868
Yes, it is, so good luck
running your own life.
311
00:13:50,136 --> 00:13:52,345
Cool. I'm going to a
concert Thursday night.
312
00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:55,228
- What?
- Andi, that's her decision.
313
00:13:55,253 --> 00:13:57,325
- Yeah, but that's a school night.
- Mm-mm-mm.
314
00:13:57,411 --> 00:13:59,244
You know, for your first choice,
315
00:13:59,329 --> 00:14:00,996
- I was expecting...
- Mm-mm-mm.
316
00:14:01,081 --> 00:14:03,248
...something small, like, you know,
317
00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:05,383
swimming right after you eat.
318
00:14:06,039 --> 00:14:07,469
But I can still go, right?
319
00:14:07,504 --> 00:14:08,386
Absolutely.
320
00:14:08,422 --> 00:14:10,116
And on Friday morning,
321
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,086
when you're too tired
322
00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:13,236
to learn anything at school,
and you don't get into college,
323
00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:16,989
and you end up a milky-eyed
drifter, that's on you.
324
00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,918
Enjoy sleeping in a boxcar.
325
00:14:23,192 --> 00:14:24,847
ADAM: Come on!
326
00:14:24,872 --> 00:14:26,321
This guy's climbing a jungle gym.
327
00:14:26,406 --> 00:14:30,242
He does not deserve the
title of "ninja warrior."
328
00:14:31,112 --> 00:14:32,444
Adam, I don't like this.
329
00:14:32,529 --> 00:14:35,080
I mean, Kate is at a
concert on a school night.
330
00:14:35,115 --> 00:14:36,715
I mean, what's she
doing? Is she dancing?
331
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,617
Is she vaping? What's vaping? I...
332
00:14:38,702 --> 00:14:40,952
Stay strong.
333
00:14:40,977 --> 00:14:41,984
Remember Emme?
334
00:14:42,009 --> 00:14:44,039
I mean, remember how
we didn't remember Emme?
335
00:14:44,844 --> 00:14:47,530
Lady Gaga would say she
was just born that way.
336
00:14:47,555 --> 00:14:50,762
I don't care what the Lady of Gaga says.
337
00:14:50,797 --> 00:14:55,590
I am Adam of Pittsburgh,
and I say we need to back off
338
00:14:55,615 --> 00:14:58,301
and let Katie learn about consequences.
339
00:14:58,326 --> 00:14:59,854
Okay.
340
00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:03,121
But maybe I'll just
google the band to see
341
00:15:03,146 --> 00:15:04,957
if there's any news
stories from the venue.
342
00:15:04,982 --> 00:15:06,795
You do what you need to
do. I want no part of it.
343
00:15:06,819 --> 00:15:07,819
Okay.
344
00:15:07,942 --> 00:15:09,781
Oh, hey, what was the
name of that band again?
345
00:15:09,816 --> 00:15:12,621
It was a bunch of letters and numbers.
346
00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:13,652
I could do this.
347
00:15:13,737 --> 00:15:15,153
I should try out for this.
348
00:15:15,926 --> 00:15:17,018
Oh, hey.
349
00:15:17,043 --> 00:15:18,604
Emme, honey, do you remember the name
350
00:15:18,629 --> 00:15:20,197
of that band that Kate likes?
351
00:15:20,222 --> 00:15:22,285
Yeah, it's A55-4U.
352
00:15:22,382 --> 00:15:23,765
Ah.
353
00:15:24,871 --> 00:15:27,254
God, Emme's great.
354
00:15:29,423 --> 00:15:32,057
A55-4U. Huh.
355
00:15:32,082 --> 00:15:33,414
What does that even mean?
356
00:15:33,439 --> 00:15:38,079
You know, when we were kids,
bands had names that made sense.
357
00:15:38,126 --> 00:15:40,837
Like... Men Without Hats.
358
00:15:41,532 --> 00:15:45,772
You knew what they were, and
you knew what their problem was.
359
00:15:46,353 --> 00:15:48,747
- Wait, wait, wait. Look at this.
- Mm.
360
00:15:48,772 --> 00:15:51,356
When I typed it out, the
two fives look like S's.
361
00:15:51,441 --> 00:15:55,527
"A55-4U" is really... "Ass-For-You."
362
00:15:55,916 --> 00:15:58,285
Oh, we're gonna lose the next war.
363
00:16:00,637 --> 00:16:02,751
Okay, well, there's no
bad news from tonight's
364
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:06,871
Ass-For-You concert
at... Obermeyer College?
365
00:16:06,957 --> 00:16:09,641
What? The concert's at a college?
366
00:16:09,666 --> 00:16:11,165
Where college boys are?
367
00:16:11,190 --> 00:16:12,927
Yeah, and-and their college-boy beds.
368
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:15,513
That's the thing about
college boys... they have beds!
369
00:16:15,549 --> 00:16:18,127
- Yeah.
- The hell with this. I'm calling her.
370
00:16:18,424 --> 00:16:19,576
(SIGHS)
371
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:22,269
(PHONE RINGING)
372
00:16:27,468 --> 00:16:28,868
You didn't give her back her phone?
373
00:16:28,895 --> 00:16:30,373
You didn't remind me to
give her back her phone!
374
00:16:30,397 --> 00:16:31,791
You didn't tell me to remind
you to give her back her phone!
375
00:16:31,815 --> 00:16:34,232
This consequen... (SHOUTS)
376
00:16:34,317 --> 00:16:36,401
This consequences thing
is happening to us!
377
00:16:36,486 --> 00:16:38,787
Life is a son of a gun!
378
00:16:39,129 --> 00:16:40,405
We-we have to go get her.
379
00:16:40,490 --> 00:16:42,250
Yeah, okay. Oh, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
380
00:16:42,325 --> 00:16:43,715
If we go down there,
381
00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:45,902
she'll know we couldn't
old-school her, either.
382
00:16:46,066 --> 00:16:47,912
- (SIGHS)
- Okay.
383
00:16:47,998 --> 00:16:51,499
What if we send someone else
down there to go check on her?
384
00:16:51,955 --> 00:16:55,253
Way to find a loophole, baby!
385
00:16:55,278 --> 00:16:58,089
But what kind of weirdo
grown-ups do we know
386
00:16:58,175 --> 00:17:01,893
that would drop everything to
go to an Ass-For-You concert?
387
00:17:01,928 --> 00:17:03,539
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- Thanks for the tickets, Adam.
388
00:17:03,563 --> 00:17:05,998
Ass-For-You is my workout jam.
389
00:17:06,023 --> 00:17:07,766
Lowell, have you seen Katie?
390
00:17:07,851 --> 00:17:08,600
Not yet.
391
00:17:08,685 --> 00:17:10,018
Put Don on the phone.
392
00:17:10,103 --> 00:17:11,569
Oh, good idea. He'll spot her.
393
00:17:11,605 --> 00:17:13,188
He's so tall, he can see everything.
394
00:17:13,273 --> 00:17:14,489
He's like Google Earth.
395
00:17:16,193 --> 00:17:17,609
Go for Don.
396
00:17:17,694 --> 00:17:18,943
Any sign of Katie?
397
00:17:19,029 --> 00:17:21,246
No dice. I even stood
outside the girl's bathroom
398
00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:24,282
for a half hour until
security told me to move along.
399
00:17:24,367 --> 00:17:25,617
We need to find Katie!
400
00:17:25,702 --> 00:17:26,868
Don't worry, brother.
401
00:17:26,953 --> 00:17:29,120
You got the right two
guys on this mission.
402
00:17:30,401 --> 00:17:31,923
Lowell?!
403
00:17:31,958 --> 00:17:33,291
I-I'll tell you what.
404
00:17:33,376 --> 00:17:35,643
I'll find Lowell first,
and then I'll find Katie.
405
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:39,714
Adam, I'm worried.
406
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,076
And I love you enough to tell you
407
00:17:42,101 --> 00:17:44,447
that if anything happens to her,
the media is gonna blame you,
408
00:17:44,471 --> 00:17:46,888
and I am not gonna be that
wife that sticks up for you.
409
00:17:48,492 --> 00:17:50,060
Screw it. Let's go get our girl.
410
00:17:50,085 --> 00:17:50,859
Oh, yeah.
411
00:17:51,092 --> 00:17:52,768
And after all that modern parenting,
412
00:17:52,793 --> 00:17:54,199
- Kate can't survive on her own.
- Yeah.
413
00:17:54,223 --> 00:17:55,425
She's like a monkey raised in captivity.
414
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,781
Yeah, we can't set her free now.
415
00:17:56,817 --> 00:17:58,902
She'll never find her own bananas!
416
00:17:59,894 --> 00:18:02,203
(GASPS) Ah! Our monkey's safe!
417
00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:04,683
Oh, you came home. I'm so proud of you.
418
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,324
- Oh. You are?
- Yeah.
419
00:18:07,349 --> 00:18:09,627
Yeah, you realized
that going to a concert
420
00:18:09,663 --> 00:18:12,480
on a school night was not smart.
421
00:18:12,505 --> 00:18:14,520
Old school works. (CHUCKLES)
422
00:18:14,762 --> 00:18:16,384
No, I still wanted to go to the concert,
423
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,300
but no one else was allowed to go.
424
00:18:18,325 --> 00:18:19,816
The other parents think
you guys are crazy.
425
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:21,840
I'd expect some angry calls.
426
00:18:22,606 --> 00:18:25,547
Oh. So you didn't learn any lessons?
427
00:18:25,685 --> 00:18:27,435
Not as far as I know.
428
00:18:30,454 --> 00:18:32,767
Don't look at me. I wanted to hug her.
429
00:18:33,915 --> 00:18:37,077
So, what happens now? Can
I still do whatever I want?
430
00:18:37,474 --> 00:18:38,895
Huh.
431
00:18:39,037 --> 00:18:41,860
Yeah, that's what I think: huh.
432
00:18:42,617 --> 00:18:44,500
That's a confusing answer.
433
00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:46,688
It sure is.
434
00:18:46,717 --> 00:18:48,283
And it's supposed to be,
435
00:18:48,368 --> 00:18:51,169
because that was our plan all along.
436
00:18:53,628 --> 00:18:56,174
That's right. All along, we had a plan.
437
00:18:56,209 --> 00:18:58,548
Yeah. We wanted to keep you guessing
438
00:18:58,573 --> 00:19:01,429
by veering wildly from
crazy strict to super easy.
439
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:03,798
Crazy strict, super easy.
440
00:19:03,823 --> 00:19:05,183
Where are we? You don't know.
441
00:19:05,218 --> 00:19:06,684
Yeah. You...
442
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,772
are in the hands of masters here.
443
00:19:08,797 --> 00:19:09,971
Ha! Masters!
444
00:19:09,996 --> 00:19:13,063
Yeah, so go to your room.
And do whatever you want.
445
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:17,896
(BOTH LAUGH)
446
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,555
BOTH: I... I don't know.
447
00:19:25,607 --> 00:19:27,799
- Well, we squeaked through that one.
- Yeah.
448
00:19:27,824 --> 00:19:29,718
If she hadn't come home,
we would've gone to get her.
449
00:19:29,742 --> 00:19:33,429
Yeah. We're not new
school, or old school,
450
00:19:33,454 --> 00:19:35,087
or old old school.
451
00:19:35,172 --> 00:19:36,922
We got expelled from every school.
452
00:19:37,007 --> 00:19:38,957
(SCOFFS)
453
00:19:39,043 --> 00:19:41,133
We have no power because
we love 'em too much.
454
00:19:41,165 --> 00:19:41,866
Mm.
455
00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:44,828
You know, kids... they lock you
in early with their cuteness,
456
00:19:44,853 --> 00:19:47,236
- and then you're screwed.
- (SCOFFS)
457
00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:51,404
So, how do you control someone you love?
458
00:19:51,429 --> 00:19:54,897
Wait. How did you get me
to go see Mamma Mia on Ice?
459
00:19:56,232 --> 00:19:57,943
I locked you in early with my cuteness,
460
00:19:57,968 --> 00:20:00,018
and now you're screwed.
461
00:20:01,699 --> 00:20:03,475
Ah, so I guess we just white-knuckle it
462
00:20:03,526 --> 00:20:04,976
till Katie's out of the house.
463
00:20:05,061 --> 00:20:07,562
Mm, maybe we let her be
her boyfriend's problem,
464
00:20:07,647 --> 00:20:09,647
go with Don's solution.
465
00:20:10,865 --> 00:20:12,600
Scary times.
466
00:20:14,022 --> 00:20:15,912
Hey, party people.
467
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,489
Lowell, what happened? Are you okay?
468
00:20:18,514 --> 00:20:21,064
It was the greatest night of my life.
469
00:20:21,211 --> 00:20:23,063
I got swept up in the crowd,
470
00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:24,805
and someone gave me a breath mint
471
00:20:24,830 --> 00:20:27,213
that made me love everybody.
472
00:20:30,852 --> 00:20:32,561
Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.
473
00:20:32,586 --> 00:20:34,055
You guys, look.
474
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,232
(WHISPERS): I found Kate.
475
00:20:38,818 --> 00:20:43,818
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
476
00:20:44,305 --> 00:20:50,272
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