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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:03,718 So, then I said to the eye doctor, 2 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,670 "I can't see it. I can't see it. 3 00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:08,002 I can see it. It's gone again." 4 00:00:08,027 --> 00:00:10,473 And he said I was very special, 5 00:00:10,498 --> 00:00:13,332 and I might be eligible for a service dog. 6 00:00:14,873 --> 00:00:16,089 Great story, Ma. 7 00:00:16,175 --> 00:00:19,073 And that clocked in at just under 12 minutes. 8 00:00:19,098 --> 00:00:19,855 Yeah. 9 00:00:19,933 --> 00:00:21,247 And she's told it to everybody... 10 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,771 the grocer, the pharmacist, 11 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,003 some poor bastard who was holding the door for her. 12 00:00:25,028 --> 00:00:26,028 Shh. 13 00:00:26,214 --> 00:00:28,867 Hey, there's my thoughtful husband. 14 00:00:28,892 --> 00:00:30,525 All right, what is it? 15 00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,258 Last time she called me thoughtful, 16 00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:34,846 I had to clean a pound of hair out of the drain. 17 00:00:35,917 --> 00:00:38,711 That kid Julian is coming over for a playdate with Emme, 18 00:00:38,736 --> 00:00:39,621 but I have to take Kate to the doctor, 19 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:40,922 so you have to watch them. 20 00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:43,018 Honey, I thought we agreed no more Julian. 21 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,375 That kid's the worst. 22 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,271 Well, maybe while he's here, 23 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,046 he'll see how nice people behave, 24 00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:49,624 and it'll rub off on him. 25 00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:50,908 Yeah, only a mom would say that. 26 00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:53,510 It's sweet and packed full of lies. 27 00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,796 Dads know better. 28 00:00:55,821 --> 00:00:58,288 Joe, there's no difference between moms and dads. 29 00:01:01,837 --> 00:01:03,436 Did you just roll your eyes? 30 00:01:03,488 --> 00:01:04,770 No, no, I was making sure 31 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,189 all the light bulbs are working. 32 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:11,401 Okay, I know it's not popular to say these days, 33 00:01:11,426 --> 00:01:14,643 but there are some things dads are better at. 34 00:01:14,668 --> 00:01:16,082 The fact that we're so annoying 35 00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:19,252 and you keep marrying us proves my point. 36 00:01:20,366 --> 00:01:22,422 We keep marrying you because we're optimists 37 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,960 and they make the lids on pickle jars too tight. 38 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,295 Well, he-he's not saying dads are better than moms. 39 00:01:29,347 --> 00:01:30,797 You're not saying that, are you? 40 00:01:30,849 --> 00:01:33,769 I said dads are better at some things. 41 00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:36,436 Okay, moms are better at some things, too. 42 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,304 Okay. Like what? 43 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,433 Don't say cooking and cleaning, boy. 44 00:01:42,484 --> 00:01:45,837 Okay, uh, if we're the same, 45 00:01:45,985 --> 00:01:48,648 would you like to take care of that dead squirrel on the roof? 46 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,951 I would totally do it, but I saw an owl fly away with it. 47 00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:55,071 And I know it was a mom owl because she handled it 48 00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,823 like a boss and then didn't spend 49 00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:58,732 the next two hours bragging about it. Ha! 50 00:02:01,365 --> 00:02:03,306 - Am I right? - Hey, hey. 51 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,373 Oh, high five. Fun. 52 00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:09,802 Sorry I'm late. 53 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,909 I found a YouTube channel of cats punching dogs. 54 00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:13,840 Ooh. 55 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,009 Is it better than chickens wearing pants? 56 00:02:16,563 --> 00:02:18,646 I don't want to get political. 57 00:02:19,898 --> 00:02:21,576 Now that Don is here, I think we should talk 58 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,392 - about your knee surgery. - Oh. 59 00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:24,984 It's in a couple of weeks, 60 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,487 and the doctor said he should hire a home health care nurse 61 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,939 for during the rehab, but he won't agree. 62 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:33,159 I don't want some stranger in my house going through my stuff. 63 00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:36,351 What stuff? You mean that jug of nickels? 64 00:02:36,577 --> 00:02:37,947 Hey, when the world goes to hell, 65 00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:41,515 the guy with the jug of nickels is gonna be living like a king. 66 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,122 I got a can of dimes. Smaller and twice the value. 67 00:02:46,425 --> 00:02:48,272 You're a good boy, Donny. 68 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,543 - So, about this nurse... - I'm not listening 69 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,295 to any more of this nurse stuff. 70 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:53,713 I'll be with the TV. 71 00:02:53,765 --> 00:02:56,973 When I push mute, it stops talking. 72 00:02:57,926 --> 00:03:01,804 Did he really leave, or can I just not see him? 73 00:03:02,033 --> 00:03:04,057 He's going through the couch, looking for nickels. 74 00:03:04,109 --> 00:03:07,226 Hey, Joe, I get half of whatever you find. 75 00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:09,398 Boys, 76 00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:10,730 your dad's gonna need help, 77 00:03:10,782 --> 00:03:13,688 and I can't get him to listen to reason. 78 00:03:13,713 --> 00:03:14,901 He was much easier to control 79 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:17,694 when he was getting that medical marijuana. 80 00:03:18,397 --> 00:03:20,555 Well, his dealer was 85. 81 00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:22,163 It was time to retire. 82 00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,995 Someone needs to talk him into getting a nurse, 83 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:28,414 and there's one person at this table he'll listen to. 84 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,049 Oh, Ma. 85 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,334 That's why I need help 86 00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:34,082 from his favorite son... Don. 87 00:03:35,692 --> 00:03:36,589 What? 88 00:03:36,641 --> 00:03:40,259 Dodged that bullet. 89 00:03:40,312 --> 00:03:44,013 I heard it whistle past my ear, and then it hit you. 90 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:46,253 'Cause you're a good boy, Donny. 91 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,241 Hey, that weird kid's looking at you. 92 00:03:56,226 --> 00:03:57,632 Hello, Julian. 93 00:03:57,657 --> 00:03:59,189 Listen, buddy. 94 00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,891 Tell your kids to give me the swing. 95 00:04:02,148 --> 00:04:04,917 Well, buddy, you just had your turn, 96 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,786 and it's Emme's turn now. 97 00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,955 I don't care. I want to swing now. 98 00:04:09,007 --> 00:04:11,269 Hey, we have something in common. 99 00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:13,292 I don't care, either. 100 00:04:13,345 --> 00:04:14,293 You're a butthead. 101 00:04:14,346 --> 00:04:16,713 You're a butthead. 102 00:04:17,736 --> 00:04:18,986 Two against one. 103 00:04:19,011 --> 00:04:20,310 I guess you're a butthead. 104 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,053 I really don't like that kid. 105 00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:26,272 He does have some good comebacks. 106 00:04:26,776 --> 00:04:27,701 So, listen, 107 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,659 how am I supposed to get Dad to agree to a home nurse? 108 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:33,858 Good luck. He never changes his mind about anything. 109 00:04:33,883 --> 00:04:35,481 He still drops his film at the Foto Hut 110 00:04:35,533 --> 00:04:37,213 even though it's a frozen yogurt place now. 111 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:42,633 Hey, what are you doing here? 112 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:43,657 It's still your turn. 113 00:04:43,708 --> 00:04:45,873 Julian pushed me off the swing. 114 00:04:45,898 --> 00:04:49,011 What? Teddy, did you see this? 115 00:04:49,036 --> 00:04:50,797 Yeah, he pushed her right off. 116 00:04:51,903 --> 00:04:53,306 And you didn't do anything? 117 00:04:53,331 --> 00:04:54,964 I'm a lover, not a fighter. 118 00:04:57,544 --> 00:04:58,817 Okay, 119 00:04:58,842 --> 00:05:02,036 Julian can't think pushing your little sister is okay. 120 00:05:03,348 --> 00:05:05,478 Good thing there's a dad here. 121 00:05:05,864 --> 00:05:07,161 Teddy... 122 00:05:09,907 --> 00:05:10,983 put him on the ground. 123 00:05:11,837 --> 00:05:12,685 I don't think Mom... 124 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,487 Mom is not here. 125 00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,071 Put him on the ground. 126 00:05:17,348 --> 00:05:18,680 Okay. 127 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:26,074 128 00:05:33,808 --> 00:05:35,238 Hey, you pushed me! 129 00:05:35,263 --> 00:05:36,429 He did it. 130 00:05:36,454 --> 00:05:38,878 My son defended his sister. 131 00:05:39,119 --> 00:05:42,037 Turn away, Don. You might see me cry. 132 00:05:52,379 --> 00:05:55,664 So, Butterbean, Daddy was totally right 133 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,140 to tell Teddy to put Julian on the ground. 134 00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:02,728 But that's not the kind of thing that Mommy'd understand. 135 00:06:02,813 --> 00:06:04,980 Okay, so, let's play a little game 136 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,707 and see who can keep this secret the longest. 137 00:06:09,816 --> 00:06:12,332 I bet I can keep it until I die. 138 00:06:13,152 --> 00:06:14,656 This is gonna be fun. 139 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,459 Yeah. Okay, now, where's Teddy? I have to tell him, too. 140 00:06:17,494 --> 00:06:19,470 - He's outside playing basketball. - Okay. 141 00:06:19,495 --> 00:06:21,141 And then I put Julian on the ground, 142 00:06:21,165 --> 00:06:23,407 just like Dad told me to. Right, Dad? 143 00:06:26,837 --> 00:06:29,337 Kids, go upstairs. I need to talk to your father. 144 00:06:29,743 --> 00:06:32,225 Okay, when are we gonna be old enough to stay for one of these? 145 00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:35,589 I'm gonna be married someday, and I need to know how to do it. 146 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,459 I'm going. 147 00:06:41,104 --> 00:06:43,018 You told Teddy to push Julian? 148 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,486 Yes, I did. 149 00:06:44,521 --> 00:06:45,737 But we don't push people. 150 00:06:45,762 --> 00:06:47,939 No, you don't, 'cause you're a mom. 151 00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:51,860 Come on, join the dads. 152 00:06:52,352 --> 00:06:54,863 It's fun over here. We push people. 153 00:06:56,422 --> 00:06:58,924 There is no difference between moms and dads. 154 00:06:58,956 --> 00:07:00,954 Look, will you just trust me on this? 155 00:07:00,979 --> 00:07:03,687 I handled it. It's dad time now. 156 00:07:03,929 --> 00:07:05,343 - Okay, but... - Hmm. 157 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,226 - this is gonna blow up in your face. - Wha...? 158 00:07:07,251 --> 00:07:09,855 And when it does, I'm gonna say "I told you so," 159 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,405 'cause that's something moms are good at. 160 00:07:13,608 --> 00:07:15,684 I think I did society a favor. 161 00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:17,969 There's too many people walking around out there 162 00:07:18,055 --> 00:07:19,554 who don't know they're boneheads 163 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,443 because they didn't get put on the ground as kids. 164 00:07:23,393 --> 00:07:25,143 Did you get put on the ground as a kid? 165 00:07:25,229 --> 00:07:27,091 Of course I did. 166 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,955 And yet you're still a bonehead. 167 00:07:30,940 --> 00:07:33,018 My point stands. 168 00:07:33,291 --> 00:07:34,236 But that was a good one. 169 00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:35,403 That was a good one, yeah. 170 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,975 Yeah, that was a good one. 171 00:07:38,408 --> 00:07:39,423 So, I have to warn you. 172 00:07:39,447 --> 00:07:41,571 My dad's not real keen on getting a nurse. 173 00:07:41,596 --> 00:07:43,106 Maybe you should take off those scrubs 174 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,913 so Joe isn't put off when he walks in. 175 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:48,593 Oh, I think he might be more put off by a topless male nurse. 176 00:07:49,085 --> 00:07:50,252 Your r�sum� looks good. 177 00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,912 Ten years experience, rave recommendations. 178 00:07:52,937 --> 00:07:55,090 At the top it says Funchy. What's that? 179 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,591 Oh, that's me. 180 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,927 I've got "fun" right in my name. 181 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,896 And "chi." 182 00:08:01,692 --> 00:08:03,176 Oh, here comes Joe. 183 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,207 Let us do the talking. 184 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,153 We had to trick him to get him to come down here. 185 00:08:06,647 --> 00:08:07,569 Hey. 186 00:08:07,604 --> 00:08:10,438 Is this the guy selling the secret recipe for Coca-Cola? 187 00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:14,025 Uh, we actually brought you here to meet Funchy, 188 00:08:14,111 --> 00:08:17,112 a home health care nurse for after your knee surgery. 189 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,280 All right, listen up. 190 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,698 I'm gonna talk to you 191 00:08:19,783 --> 00:08:21,383 the same way you talk to everybody else. 192 00:08:21,451 --> 00:08:23,451 This is the guy. He's your nurse, 193 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,586 so no bellyaching. 194 00:08:24,621 --> 00:08:26,625 Okay, you win. 195 00:08:26,650 --> 00:08:27,810 Okay. I'll just grab a drink, 196 00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,791 and then we can start the interview. 197 00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:37,465 Then he just walks out the door. It was the perfect trick. 198 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,134 It doesn't sound like much of a trick. 199 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,469 He just lied and left. 200 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,638 Well, the simplicity is what made it perfect. 201 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,307 It's like ice. It's just frozen water, 202 00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,142 but it changed the world. 203 00:08:47,498 --> 00:08:48,551 Dad, 204 00:08:48,576 --> 00:08:50,111 Teddy was using my mascara brush 205 00:08:50,147 --> 00:08:52,480 to make it look like he had chest hair. 206 00:08:52,757 --> 00:08:54,983 I just wanted to see what it's gonna look like on me. 207 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,484 It's gonna look so good, 208 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,787 you won't mind that's it's also on your back. 209 00:09:00,530 --> 00:09:01,623 Oh, hey. 210 00:09:01,658 --> 00:09:03,491 Your Uncle Don told me you pushed a kid down. 211 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,021 All right, I don't need any more lectures. 212 00:09:06,060 --> 00:09:07,122 No, no. I'm proud. 213 00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,568 He always seemed a little soft. 214 00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:11,132 Next time, go for the windpipe. 215 00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:13,365 You can't fight if you can't breathe. 216 00:09:14,458 --> 00:09:16,922 Wait, so you agree with me? 217 00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:19,674 Because Andi came out pretty strong against it. 218 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,310 She's soft, just like Teddy used to be. 219 00:09:23,284 --> 00:09:25,182 Oh, there's my boy. 220 00:09:25,207 --> 00:09:26,534 I heard about what happened, 221 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:29,160 and I wanted to give you my old boxing gloves. 222 00:09:29,853 --> 00:09:31,881 If you need it to be over quick, there's a hole inside 223 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,383 where you can slip in a couple of batteries. 224 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,440 Kapowie! Hmm? 225 00:09:36,098 --> 00:09:38,276 All right, all right, take it easy, champ. 226 00:09:38,362 --> 00:09:39,661 Thanks, Grandpa. 227 00:09:39,696 --> 00:09:40,757 Hey, Kate, you want to go upstairs 228 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:41,891 and see if I can take a punch? 229 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,865 Yeah, all right. 230 00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:47,732 Hey, guys. 231 00:09:47,757 --> 00:09:49,318 What's the occasion? 232 00:09:49,373 --> 00:09:52,874 Well, the occasion is everybody agrees with me 233 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,010 about Teddy putting that kid on the ground. 234 00:09:55,045 --> 00:09:58,099 Yeah. You said it was gonna blow up in my face, 235 00:09:58,124 --> 00:09:59,790 but the only thing on my face 236 00:09:59,815 --> 00:10:02,776 is a big smile from being right. 237 00:10:03,745 --> 00:10:06,638 Am I really the only voice of reason around here? 238 00:10:06,723 --> 00:10:08,857 I hate to say it, but this all comes back 239 00:10:08,892 --> 00:10:12,560 to dads are just better at some stuff than moms. 240 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,979 It doesn't even make sense. 241 00:10:14,064 --> 00:10:16,147 Marcy agrees with you, and she's a mom. 242 00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:17,649 Sorry. It's not the gender. 243 00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:19,107 It's how your relationship works. 244 00:10:19,132 --> 00:10:21,736 And in our relationship, he's the mom. 245 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,413 You tell 'em, Big Daddy. 246 00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:28,655 Did you get Dad to agree to that nurse yet? 247 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,056 Or did he pull another Mission: Impossible 248 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,080 and just walk out right in front of you? 249 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,916 Don't worry about me. I still got a few tricks up my sleeve. 250 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,551 Yeah? If you don't get dad a nurse, 251 00:10:36,586 --> 00:10:38,720 the only thing up your sleeve is gonna be sudsy water 252 00:10:38,755 --> 00:10:40,572 when you're giving Dad a sponge bath. 253 00:10:41,228 --> 00:10:43,504 Maybe I'll hold on to these nurse r�sum�s. 254 00:10:43,529 --> 00:10:44,865 Now that I'm single, 255 00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:47,073 I don't have anyone to take care of me if something happens. 256 00:10:47,097 --> 00:10:48,996 Plus, the company would be nice. 257 00:10:49,021 --> 00:10:50,732 I wish they had a thing for single guys 258 00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:52,027 where you could pay someone 259 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,269 to hang out with you on lonely nights. 260 00:10:55,342 --> 00:10:56,589 They have that. 261 00:10:57,097 --> 00:11:00,191 Yeah, they'll even dress up like a nurse if you want. 262 00:11:01,638 --> 00:11:02,804 Hi. 263 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,195 Hi, honey. 264 00:11:04,281 --> 00:11:06,175 I'm surprised you came into work today. 265 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,566 Considering how right I was about Teddy, 266 00:11:08,591 --> 00:11:10,702 I thought you might call in wrong. 267 00:11:10,787 --> 00:11:12,287 Well, you'd be wrong. 268 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,267 Yeah, 'cause I just had an interesting conversation 269 00:11:14,291 --> 00:11:15,623 with Teddy's school. 270 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,209 He spent the morning pushing kids at recess. 271 00:11:18,234 --> 00:11:19,143 What?! 272 00:11:19,168 --> 00:11:21,846 Sweet little Teddy took it to the streets? 273 00:11:21,871 --> 00:11:23,465 As a mom, I don't condone that. 274 00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:26,744 I didn't tell him to push other kids. 275 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,470 Do you remember what I told you? 276 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,605 That this was gonna blow up in your face? 277 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:31,951 Let's not live in the past. 278 00:11:31,975 --> 00:11:33,641 Let's be about the future. 279 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,993 Well, the future is gonna be me telling you, "I told you so." 280 00:11:37,198 --> 00:11:39,860 I told you so. Welcome to the future. 281 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,556 Principal Collins, we are so sorry. 282 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,142 I mean, I-I'm sorry because he's my kid, and, 283 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,617 well, he's sorry 'cause it's all his fault. 284 00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:54,036 Told you so. 285 00:11:54,121 --> 00:11:55,886 Look, Teddy is a good kid. 286 00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,715 He just got a little carried away. 287 00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,792 I don't think we have to overreact. 288 00:11:59,817 --> 00:12:02,365 Well, due to our zero tolerance policy on fighting, 289 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,639 I'm placing him in detention for the rest of the week. 290 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,392 I was just protecting little kids from bullies. 291 00:12:07,417 --> 00:12:09,250 Well, that changes everything. 292 00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:13,731 We are all against bullying here, I... I hope. 293 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,067 You're not pro-bully, are you? 294 00:12:16,438 --> 00:12:17,652 Of course not. 295 00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,737 I thought I was just acting like Batman. 296 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,989 There you go. Huh? 297 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,842 You wouldn't put Batman in detention, would you? 298 00:12:25,357 --> 00:12:27,280 Another option might be to give him a little Batsuit 299 00:12:27,304 --> 00:12:30,522 and let him do his thing. 300 00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,751 People think I'm funny at work. 301 00:12:34,624 --> 00:12:36,254 Okay, that's it. You are off the job. 302 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,172 It is Mom time now. 303 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,196 Mom time. That's funny. 304 00:12:40,221 --> 00:12:41,637 Oh. 305 00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:44,063 This is not my crowd. 306 00:12:46,313 --> 00:12:47,765 You are in big trouble, mister. 307 00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:49,934 You can't go around pushing people. 308 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,653 All right? You use your words, or you get an adult. 309 00:12:52,868 --> 00:12:55,702 What if that adult is Dad, and he tells me to shove them? 310 00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,516 Don't take me down with you. 311 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,497 We sleep in the same room. 312 00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:05,833 It is never okay, ever. 313 00:13:06,506 --> 00:13:08,002 What if someone's picking on Emme, 314 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:10,872 and my words don't work, and there's no adults around? 315 00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:12,575 Well... 316 00:13:15,201 --> 00:13:16,794 Well... 317 00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:21,549 Well, y... 318 00:13:26,184 --> 00:13:27,934 You stumped her, pal. 319 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,886 What a week for you. 320 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,728 I'm not stumped, okay? 321 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,031 I'm just taking a moment to figure out 322 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:41,369 how to explain that obviously... 323 00:13:42,561 --> 00:13:44,462 the answer is... 324 00:13:45,697 --> 00:13:47,737 something I'm gonna tell your dad in the other room. 325 00:13:50,821 --> 00:13:51,879 - Dad? - Hmm? 326 00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:52,964 Am I still in trouble? 327 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:55,134 I think things are looking up for both of us. 328 00:13:57,751 --> 00:13:59,587 Yes, darling? 329 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,589 Look, I-I don't know what to say to him. 330 00:14:01,614 --> 00:14:03,758 I mean, I don't want anybody pushing my daughter, / 331 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,194 but as a mom, I can't tell him to push another kid. 332 00:14:06,219 --> 00:14:08,930 - Hmm. So you want me to talk to him? - Yeah. 333 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,932 - Because you're the mom. - Yeah. 334 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,733 And I'm the... 335 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,569 What am I again? 336 00:14:15,139 --> 00:14:17,688 Rhymes with "glad." 337 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,048 Bonehead? 338 00:14:20,251 --> 00:14:22,109 Going down swinging. I respect that. 339 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,195 Okay. Fine, you're the dad, 340 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,280 and there's differences between moms and dads. 341 00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,359 Now I really need you to handle this! 342 00:14:28,384 --> 00:14:31,154 It feels so good to be right. 343 00:14:32,736 --> 00:14:35,987 This must be what it feels like to be you. 344 00:14:37,193 --> 00:14:39,043 All right. 345 00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:41,879 Teddy, 346 00:14:42,129 --> 00:14:44,265 step into the elevator and let's take a ride up 347 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,883 to the men's department. 348 00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,101 Okay? 349 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,238 Here's the deal. 350 00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:50,619 You can't police the world. 351 00:14:50,644 --> 00:14:53,891 Using your words is your first and best option. 352 00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:58,896 But sometimes... if your words don't work, 353 00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:02,149 you do what you have to do to protect your family. 354 00:15:02,927 --> 00:15:06,029 That is the code that we live by, hmm? 355 00:15:06,092 --> 00:15:07,655 You're making it sound like the mob. 356 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:11,229 Yes! Thank you, Andi. 357 00:15:11,254 --> 00:15:13,588 Thank you. We are like the mob. 358 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,884 Okay? And like the mob, 359 00:15:17,909 --> 00:15:19,644 if you do the crime, 360 00:15:20,104 --> 00:15:21,646 you do the time. 361 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,784 So, it's detention at school, 362 00:15:25,096 --> 00:15:28,759 and I want you to apologize to those kids from the playground. 363 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,622 - Okay. - Okay. 364 00:15:31,028 --> 00:15:33,848 So does our mob include my girlfriend? 365 00:15:37,555 --> 00:15:39,388 You have a girlfriend? 366 00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:42,043 Your first girlfriend? 367 00:15:43,497 --> 00:15:44,700 Since when? 368 00:15:44,725 --> 00:15:47,726 Since today. Chicks dig Batman. 369 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,374 Head upstairs and draw on some chest hair, son. 370 00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:01,975 You've earned it. 371 00:16:05,227 --> 00:16:07,143 You're a good boy, Teddy! 372 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,720 - That was pretty good with Teddy. - Mm. 373 00:16:13,191 --> 00:16:14,689 Hey, you did your part, too. 374 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,223 Nah, you're just saying that. 375 00:16:16,248 --> 00:16:17,831 No, I'm serious. 376 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,561 Moms appeal to kids' better nature, 377 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,980 and dads teach them how to defend themselves 378 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,743 when other people don't have good moms. 379 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,035 I like that. 380 00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:29,654 Yeah, I can get deep. 381 00:16:31,828 --> 00:16:33,925 It's the beer. Beer makes me deep. 382 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,913 - Hey, man. - Hey. 383 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,341 I tried everything, but I can't get Dad to agree to a nurse. 384 00:16:42,366 --> 00:16:44,919 I'm jeopardizing his health, disappointing Mom. 385 00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:47,672 I feel terrible. 386 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:51,948 Oh, Don, I hate seeing you like this. 387 00:16:51,973 --> 00:16:54,348 Okay, I'll talk to Dad. 388 00:16:54,373 --> 00:16:56,645 - Ha! No take-backs! - Wha...? 389 00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,600 What? You tricked me! 390 00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,852 That's right. It's all on you now. Whoo! 391 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,784 I don't want to deal with this. 392 00:17:07,809 --> 00:17:09,847 Well, you don't have to do it. 393 00:17:11,237 --> 00:17:12,613 He said no take-backs. 394 00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:17,530 He got me fair and square, Andi. 395 00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:20,588 Dad, 396 00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:22,456 we need to have a serious conversation 397 00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:24,542 about you hiring Funchy. 398 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,627 Can we hurry this up? I left an old lady 399 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,151 in a wheelchair by the duck pond, 400 00:17:28,176 --> 00:17:30,176 and she is not gonna sleep forever. 401 00:17:31,332 --> 00:17:32,767 I hope. 402 00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:34,468 Why are you doing this? 403 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,488 I thought Don was handling the nurse stuff. 404 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:37,972 Don handed it off to me. 405 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,390 Which I knew he would. 406 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,810 Oh, this is working out just like I planned. 407 00:17:43,239 --> 00:17:44,945 Oh, so all that stuff 408 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,544 about him being the favorite was to trick him. 409 00:17:47,569 --> 00:17:49,450 No, no, that part's true. 410 00:17:49,919 --> 00:17:53,154 I just didn't want to hurt his feelings by asking you first. 411 00:17:53,557 --> 00:17:56,174 Well, I'm glad we're not hurting people's feelings. 412 00:17:56,471 --> 00:17:58,242 Hey, look, Dad, we all know 413 00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,077 that this knee surgery is gonna be tough, 414 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,662 and you're gonna need some help. 415 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,110 Okay, okay, you're always looking out for me. 416 00:18:04,135 --> 00:18:05,527 I'm just gonna grab a drink from the kitchen, 417 00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:07,062 - and then we can get started. - Mm-hmm. 418 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:10,337 Uh, uh... mm, uh... 419 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,679 Damn, I guess that only works on Donny. 420 00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:14,141 Listen, 421 00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,029 you need a nurse, but nobody can argue with you, 422 00:18:17,171 --> 00:18:19,530 so I'm gonna have to appeal to your better nature. 423 00:18:19,755 --> 00:18:22,076 That's why I'm calling in my teammate, Andi. 424 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,942 I knew you would ask her to do it. 425 00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:27,521 Ah. I pull all the strings in this family. 426 00:18:28,489 --> 00:18:30,668 Nothing she says is gonna change my mind. 427 00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:32,278 I'm not getting a damn nurse! 428 00:18:32,303 --> 00:18:36,030 Okay, let's just see how you do in the hands of a mom. 429 00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,189 Joe. 430 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:45,005 I love you, and I just... just want you to make me proud. 431 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,174 What are you, my Little League coach? 432 00:18:48,047 --> 00:18:50,711 I believe you have it in you to try this, 433 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:54,215 because, well, you're the bravest man I know. 434 00:18:55,453 --> 00:18:57,719 - That's powerful because it's true. - Yeah. 435 00:18:58,477 --> 00:19:00,521 And you know the real reason to get a nurse 436 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,185 is to lighten the load for Bev, 437 00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:04,965 and I know you'd do anything for your wife. 438 00:19:06,528 --> 00:19:08,762 Fine, I'll have a nurse. 439 00:19:08,787 --> 00:19:11,865 No take-backs. Ha! We got him. 440 00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:13,984 But I won't be nice to him. 441 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:17,003 Oh, yay! I'm so glad I got this job. 442 00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,874 Let me tell you, this isn't gonna be easy. 443 00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:23,577 He's been real touchy since his pot guy retired to Orlando. 444 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,846 It was medical marijuana. I only used it for my glaucoma 445 00:19:26,871 --> 00:19:28,871 and your mother's boring stories. 446 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:33,198 I, too, am a big believer in Vitamin Weed. 447 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,589 You should know, if I'm your nurse, 448 00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:38,092 I won't be able to pass a drug test. 449 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,932 The good news is, 450 00:19:41,127 --> 00:19:42,763 neither will you. 451 00:19:44,322 --> 00:19:45,882 I like him. 452 00:19:46,252 --> 00:19:49,065 But no taking my temperature the baby way. 453 00:19:55,578 --> 00:19:56,876 I don't know what these buttons do, 454 00:19:56,900 --> 00:19:58,860 but I just knocked your ass out. 455 00:20:01,463 --> 00:20:02,892 Hey, Funchy. 456 00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:05,388 What are you doing here? He hasn't had his surgery yet. 457 00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,720 I brought over a little pre-op medicine... 458 00:20:07,755 --> 00:20:09,239 if you know what I mean. 459 00:20:10,596 --> 00:20:13,081 I could smell what you mean from the side walk. 460 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,643 Why did you call me? 461 00:20:14,668 --> 00:20:16,526 There's a hair ball in my shower drain 462 00:20:16,551 --> 00:20:18,518 and I hear you're good at fixing that. 463 00:20:18,955 --> 00:20:19,959 Oh, no problem. 464 00:20:19,984 --> 00:20:21,584 - Let me just get a drink first. - Yeah. 465 00:20:26,289 --> 00:20:27,757 It's the perfect trick. 466 00:20:27,829 --> 00:20:29,869 Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com - 466 00:20:30,305 --> 00:20:36,506 33961

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