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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Learn Thai more flexible & enjoyable
with Banana Thai osdb.link/bananathai
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00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:30,600
- The first time
I saw craig ferguson,
3
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:33,200
I was in the hospital
on morphine,
4
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,000
And the nurses came in
and I was laughing my head off.
5
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,600
And they said,
"what is going on?"
6
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:39,900
I'm like,
"this guy's so funny!"
7
00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,600
- I'm excited just to be
in the same room as craig.
8
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,300
He's my celebrity crush,
actually.
9
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:50,600
We've already talked about this.
I get to go.
10
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,600
- I hope tonight
he swears...
11
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,600
A hundred times!
I don't wanna hear the bleep!
12
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,100
- He's got a robot skeleton
sidekick,
13
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,900
And he calls his fans
the robot skeleton army.
14
00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:10,500
It all makes perfect sense.
15
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:19,000
- If you watch the show
and you don't like it,
16
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,000
Then I can't help you,
'cause it's the best I can do.
17
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,100
So fuck you.
18
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:11,500
- It's a great day
for america, everybody!
19
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:19,500
It's a very exciting day
for me.
20
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,700
I'm very,
very happy to be here.
21
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:24,700
Here in washington d.C.!
22
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,600
I'm very happy to be here.
I love this town...
23
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,200
With its things.
24
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:37,900
I do, I love it here.
I'm very excited to be here.
25
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:40,400
I'm very excited to be
in the historic...
26
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:44,900
No, I'm very happy to be here.
27
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,300
I know everybody says that.
28
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,300
Everybody says,
"oh, I'm so happy to be here!"
29
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,100
And you can't blame them.
You can't blame 'em.
30
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:52,200
And you can't walk on a stage
and go, "ah, fuck!
31
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,000
Not this dump again!"
32
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,800
That gets awkward.
33
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,100
Even if you're thinking it,
which I'm not!
34
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:02,500
No, I'm very happy to be here!
35
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:06,000
"craig, how can we trust you?
36
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,900
How can we trust you?
We've been hurt before."
37
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:14,000
Here's how you know
I'm genuinely happy to be here.
38
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,500
About two years ago--
a little less--
39
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:18,400
My wife had a baby.
40
00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:24,900
Thanks, everybody!
I had sex!
41
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,000
Yeah, so there's a little baby.
42
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,600
There's a baby living
in my house--
43
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,400
An actual living baby
in my house.
44
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:37,700
So you know
I am fuckin' happy to be here.
45
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,800
This whole idea
of doing a special
46
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,100
And stand-up comedy shows
47
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:43,000
Just so I can get
a fuckin' night's sleep.
48
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,500
That's all it is.
49
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,000
I just want a night
in a hotel,
50
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,700
Some room service,
and some porn.
51
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:49,300
That's all I want.
52
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:53,200
Something delicious,
and then room service.
53
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,300
Don't worry,
54
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:58,200
I'm not just here to get away
from my children.
55
00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,400
I've got a joke for you.
56
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,800
I've got a joke,
don't worry.
57
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,800
I'm sure I do.
58
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,200
I do!
I have a joke--
59
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,500
A joke for you told to me
by my friend drew carey
60
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:08,900
When he was fat.
61
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:11,500
That's important--
when he was fat and funny.
62
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:12,800
Not this thin drew carey.
63
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,000
Not this thin,
orville redenbacher motherfucker
64
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,000
That he is now.
65
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,500
Fat drew carey!
Fat!
66
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:19,800
When he was funny.
67
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:24,000
Because fat
is where comedy is stored.
68
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,000
That's what I tell anybody
that sees me naked.
69
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,600
I'm like,
"what are you talking about?
70
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,200
These are my jokes.
71
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,200
There's titters.
72
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,600
There's a couple
of titters here.
73
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,000
People tittering,
there like a...
74
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,100
And there's my big finish.
Here.
75
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:39,800
I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.
76
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:41,700
I'm not just here
to get away from my children.
77
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,100
I'm not.
I love my children.
78
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,700
Of course I do.
They're beautiful...
79
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:47,100
Whatever their names are.
They're gorgeous.
80
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:49,400
No, they are.
I love my kids, I do.
81
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,200
And I was--
I adore them.
82
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:52,900
I was right there
when they were born.
83
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:54,700
I was right there
when they were...
84
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:56,500
Conceived.
85
00:05:56,500 --> 00:05:58,500
I think.
86
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:00,400
You can't be sure.
87
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:04,400
One of them's asian.
88
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:06,600
That's not true.
89
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,300
That would be awkward though,
wouldn't it?
90
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:09,900
Like, congratulations,
mr. Ferguson.
91
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:12,600
Look! An asian baby.
92
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,900
No, I was definitely,
you know, there--
93
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,400
Well, I don't know
if I was there
94
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,100
When they were conceived
'cause, you know,
95
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:20,500
Conception takes place
up to 24 hours later after sex,
96
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:21,900
You know,
in the woman's body.
97
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,700
So I might've been doing
what I do after sex,
98
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:28,300
Which was standing
by the refrigerator crying.
99
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:32,300
I'm a dirty whore.
100
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,600
Anyway, I was definitely
in the room
101
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,000
When my kids were born.
102
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,400
I was right there
in the room.
103
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,000
I watched that baby
come flying out
104
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,000
And then the other thing
come flying out after the baby.
105
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,400
I'm like,
what the fuck is that!
106
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,600
What's that thing!
107
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,200
They're like,
don't worry about that.
108
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,100
Don't worry about it?
It's the same size as the baby!
109
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,900
What the fuck is it!
110
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:51,000
Like, what is it?
111
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,300
I've only budgeted for one.
Does that go to college?
112
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:54,800
What is that thing?
113
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,300
What is it, the kit?
What is it?
114
00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:59,000
They're like,
don't worry about it.
115
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,400
I'm like,
I am worried about it!
116
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:01,700
They're like, no, no.
117
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:03,100
And the doctors and nurses
going,
118
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,400
"oh, isn't it so beautiful?
119
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,000
Isn't this such
a beautiful experience?"
120
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,200
I'm like, it's all right
for you to talk like that.
121
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,600
You're only here
for the day.
122
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,800
I've gotta come back
to this area later on
123
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:17,400
With a completely different
agenda.
124
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,300
I've watched this baby
coming out,
125
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:22,900
I was like,
ahhh!
126
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:25,000
Agghhhh!
127
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,400
Agghhhhhh!
128
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:31,800
Oh! I'm gay.
129
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,900
One of my wife's friends said
to me, after she had the baby--
130
00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:39,600
We'll get on with the joke
in a minute.
131
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,700
One of my wife's friends said
to me, after she had the baby,
132
00:07:42,700 --> 00:07:46,600
Now, don't pressure her
into having sex again too soon.
133
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,500
I'm like, too soon?
134
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:49,700
After what I've seen,
135
00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:54,100
I don't know if I ever
want to have sex again.
136
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,000
But it goes away,
that feeling.
137
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:02,300
I'm assured.
138
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,900
No, but I love my kids,
I do.
139
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,500
Children are our awesome.
They're great.
140
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:09,800
I believe they're our future.
141
00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:12,400
It's just
when they're babies--
142
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,700
Anyone
who's got a baby knows--
143
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,000
Anyone who's got kids--
144
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,000
Babies are fuckin'
unreasonable shits!
145
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,300
They are!
I mean, kids are beautiful.
146
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,400
They're adorable.
147
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,700
Oh, it's christmas in their
little pajamas and shit.
148
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:23,800
But, oh, my god!
149
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,400
When they're babies,
they're fuckin' evil!
150
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,100
They're screaming
and the poo.
151
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:30,300
And they go, agghhhh!
152
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:33,100
They cry over it.
You can't reason with a baby.
153
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,200
You can't talk to them.
You can't say, come on.
154
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,900
I've put on your diaper,
I fed you.
155
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,100
What's wrong with you?
156
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,900
They just cry
over every argument you've got.
157
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,400
They cry right
over the top of you.
158
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,500
It's like living
with glenn beck.
159
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:54,600
Ha, there's a risky joke
in d.C.
160
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,700
At the same tim--
161
00:08:55,700 --> 00:09:01,000
It's like living with a psycho
midget german prostitute!
162
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,500
Which I have done,
actually.
163
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:11,800
In amsterdam in 1987
for a little while.
164
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,900
But it's the screaming
and the poo,
165
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:19,900
The screaming
and the poo.
166
00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:22,400
It's like, ahh!
167
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:27,600
I mean, my wife is great.
But the screaming and the poo!
168
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,100
And the baby's
like that as well,
169
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,900
The screaming and the poo!
170
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:35,900
And it's the sleep deprivation
that drives you fuckin' crazy.
171
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,700
I haven't slept
in two years.
172
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,900
Really. It's not like they
keep you awake all the time.
173
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:42,100
They wait.
They're evil little shits.
174
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,900
They wait.
They wait.
175
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:45,600
They wait until they see you
falling asleep.
176
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:49,900
They're like--
177
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:55,100
Gahhhhh!
178
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:58,800
Ba-gahhhh!
179
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,600
Everybody in here
who's had a baby at some point
180
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,700
Has thought, "I think my kid
might be the antichrist."
181
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,200
One of us is right.
182
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,800
Sleep deprivation
is weird, though.
183
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,800
It makes you think
really weird thoughts.
184
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,700
You know that studies
have proven--
185
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:18,600
My own studies have proven this.
186
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,100
No, this is true.
Studies have proven
187
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,600
That three days
without sleep
188
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:26,900
Has exactly the same effect
on your body as a tab of acid.
189
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:28,200
And I'm talking real acid,
190
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,000
Not the shit that
you kids take today.
191
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,100
Or that, "oh, this ecstasy!
I'm trippin'.
192
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,800
It's just like acid.
Look, I'm trippin'"
193
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,300
Look at--
you're not trippin'.
194
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:38,100
Look at you walking around,
talking, breathing,
195
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,700
Being able to converse,
dance and shit.
196
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,200
That's not trippin'.
That's coffee, you little fuck!
197
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,900
I'm talkin' acid!
198
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:49,500
I'm talkin' acid!
199
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:55,400
I'm talkin'...
200
00:10:55,400 --> 00:11:00,800
Saigon...
201
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,000
I took too much acid.
202
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,500
I did.
I took a lot of acid.
203
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,600
I know that's probably
a surprise to you, but I did.
204
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,900
I did. I took too much--
here's what happened.
205
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:12,500
I took it once, and I thought,
"oh, my god, this is horrible!"
206
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,800
So I took it about
30 more times,
207
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,700
Just to make sure.
208
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:19,500
And I didn't do acid
the right way.
209
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:22,200
I mean, you're meant
to take acid by a stream,
210
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,800
by a river, with unicorns
211
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,900
And the babies
and lovely--
212
00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:29,400
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh
213
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,100
Ahh ahh ahh ahh
214
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:35,100
I didn't do it like that.
215
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,800
I did acid in glasgow
in the 1970s,
216
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,600
And we did it
once the bars closed.
217
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,300
We would drink all day--
218
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:43,800
All day in rainy
old glasgow--
219
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,400
And then, at 11:00,
when the bars shut,
220
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,800
Somebody would say,
"anybody fancy a fuckin'
221
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:52,100
"transcendental experience?
222
00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,600
I've got acid."
223
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,800
And we'd take acid
after drinking all day.
224
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,700
And that is not the way
to do it.
225
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,100
I--
226
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:01,000
It's not.
227
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,500
You know,
I once took acid
228
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,400
After 12 pints of guinness.
229
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,900
You may well judge me,
you fuck.
230
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,500
Never do acid after
12 pints of guinness.
231
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,600
There's your p.S.A., kids.
232
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,200
Don't do acid
after 12 pints--
233
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,100
Just don't do it.
It's horrible!
234
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:24,300
Leprechauns flew out
of my ass!
235
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:27,200
I was, like, "aah!
236
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:33,300
"aaaah!
How many are there? Aah!
237
00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:36,700
"aaaaaah!
238
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:41,300
"aa--
aaaaaaaaah!
239
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:45,400
Aa--
a!"
240
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,800
Final--
and they were like,
241
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,800
"hee hee! Touch his
lucky charms on the way."
242
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:56,000
I did too many drugs
is what I'm saying.
243
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,200
I did too many drugs.
244
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,500
And when I say I did 'em,
I fuckin' did 'em.
245
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:02,800
I didn't experiment
with them.
246
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,000
You know when people say,
"oh, yeah, when I was in my
247
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,200
Late teens and 20s,
I experimented with drugs"?
248
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,700
No, you fuckin' didn't.
You're not a scientist.
249
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:12,600
You didn't experiment
with 'em.
250
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,600
And experiment
is you get a white coat,
251
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,300
You get the drug,
you feed it to the dog,
252
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:17,800
You film it,
you put it on youtube.
253
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,400
That's a fuckin' experiment!
254
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,200
That's--that's science.
255
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:27,200
It's not science
to blow a dealer for crack.
256
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:31,300
That's not science.
257
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:34,600
That's art.
258
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,600
Anyway, you know,
sleep deprivation is bad,
259
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,700
But the drugs is worse,
so I don't do 'em anymore.
260
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:43,200
I don't do drugs,
don't do that.
261
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,300
That's not to say--
I'm not one of these people
262
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,700
That stopped taking drugs
and then to say
263
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,100
You all have got to stop too.
264
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:50,800
You know when people,
they stop taking drugs,
265
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,200
They get very evangelical?
266
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,800
It's like,
"I've stopped taking drugs.
267
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,400
Now you must all
stop taking drugs."
268
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,800
I don't feel that way about it.
269
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,000
I-I feel like I've got
a connection with you guys.
270
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,400
I think my aud--
I think we have a thing.
271
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,800
And I want you to know,
from the bottom of my heart,
272
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,400
I really mean this.
I really do.
273
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,700
I don't give a fuck
what you do.
274
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,500
I've got kids.
275
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,100
You're fuckin'
grown-ass people.
276
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,100
You can do
what you fuckin' like.
277
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:20,400
Oh, you know the people
that go on tv,
278
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,300
And they think they can tell
other people how to live
279
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:24,200
'cause they're on tv.
Don't drink, don't--
280
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,100
It's not that hard
to get on tv.
281
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:29,300
I'm on fuckin' tv!
282
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:33,500
Honey boo boo is on tv!
283
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,900
Honey boo boo!
284
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:42,200
Like, what?
285
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,400
And people have a hard time
with my accent?
286
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:47,100
I mean,
what the fuck is this?
287
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:51,900
These people sound like
they're yodeling underwater.
288
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:58,300
Here's my honey boo boo.
289
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,100
I don't--
I don't subscribe to that.
290
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,600
I don't like people
going on tv
291
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,600
And telling other people
how to live, like dr. Phil.
292
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,200
Doctor--
fuck you, dr. Phil.
293
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,700
You're not even
a fuckin' doctor.
294
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,500
Dr. Phil. Hmm,
let's have a look at this.
295
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,900
Dr. Phil. What's your problem
with dr. Phil, craig?
296
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:20,900
Well, it's the fact
he's not a fuckin' doctor!
297
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:23,200
"what are you talking about,
craig? He's dr. Phil."
298
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,600
That's right.
That's his name--dr. Phil.
299
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,000
It's not his qualifications.
He's phil mcgraw, phd.
300
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,300
Phd? Isn't that a doctorate?
301
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:34,400
Fine, you let him take out your
fuckin' appendix, motherfucker.
302
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,600
He's not a doctor.
303
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,200
"craig, are you saying
oprah lied to us?"
304
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,500
Yes!
305
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:45,000
I've gotta keep moving now.
Oprah's people have scopes.
306
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,700
Gayle, up in the balcony.
307
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:54,000
"you motherfucker,
I tell ya..."
308
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,400
Dr. Phil's not a doctor,
he's a phd.
309
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,300
Like, if your appendix bursts
tonight--
310
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:06,200
Dr. Phil's there, or a doctor.
Who you going with?
311
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,500
Exactly!
312
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,700
It's not that hard to get on tv
and tell people how to live.
313
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:14,600
The fuckin' kardashians
are on tv!
314
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,000
Not that I'm against that,
actually, I'm not.
315
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,300
That there kim kardashian's
got a lovely ass.
316
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:22,600
She has.
317
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,200
There's always room
in show business
318
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,500
For someone
with a lovely ass.
319
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:31,500
That's how I got started.
320
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:39,100
Make way for leprechauns.
321
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,500
No, great asses cause
a lot of fuckin' problems.
322
00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:49,500
I've lost half my stuff twice
due to great asses.
323
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:52,500
That's all my stuff once.
324
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,400
No, a lot of trouble
in the world
325
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:58,200
Caused by great asses.
War--wars, human suffering
326
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,600
Is caused by great asses.
327
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,400
The first documented war
in human history--
328
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,100
The siege of troy,
the trojan war--
329
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:05,500
That was caused by
a great ass.
330
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,600
Helen of troy, renowned
for her great ass,
331
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,900
Was living in greece.
332
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,800
And she was visited
by paris, from troy.
333
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,400
He was, like,
"ooh, that's a lovely ass.
334
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,400
Come live with me in troy."
and she's like, "okay."
335
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,100
And she went to live
in troy with him.
336
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,700
And the greeks were furious.
337
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,100
They marched over to troy.
338
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,300
"show us her ass.
How dare you!"
339
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:23,000
And the trojans,
who I always imagined
340
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,800
To be french, for some reason,
were like,
341
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,600
"no, you can't see her ass.
342
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:34,400
"I'm lookin' at it right now.
343
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,300
"I think I'll rub butter
on it.
344
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:43,100
Garlic butter."
345
00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:46,200
Ten years the siege of troy
went on.
346
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,300
Ten years!
347
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,000
And then, eventually,
the greeks were like,
348
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,700
"you know what? Fuck you!
349
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:52,500
"we're going home.
350
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,900
We left you a horse."
351
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,700
And the trojans--
352
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,000
The trojans,
who were fuckin' stupid,
353
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,100
Let's be honest--
354
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:05,500
The trojans are people
who named themself
355
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:08,800
After a condom!
356
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:14,400
Like, how did they die out?
Guess, motherfucker.
357
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,700
The trojans see the horse,
they're like,
358
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:21,400
"oh, look, they left us
a lovely horse.
359
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,100
"what's this? Oh,
'thank you for the war.'
360
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:25,700
That's nice.
Bring it inside."
361
00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:27,800
I mean, even if they
just listened for a second
362
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,800
At the side of it,
you'd have heard, like,
363
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,000
"shut up."
364
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:35,300
"no, you shut up!"
365
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:38,000
"I thought we agreed
no farting in the horse."
366
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,100
"I can't help it.
367
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:44,800
I get nervous
before a battle."
368
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,800
Siege of troy
caused by a great ass.
369
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,400
The war between the roman empire
and ancient egypt.
370
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,800
Caesar,
antony and cleopatra.
371
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,600
That was all about cleopatra
having a fantastic ass.
372
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,700
She had a great ass,
and mark antony's like,
373
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,200
"I'm going to egypt.
Fuck you."
374
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,200
And then caesar was furious,
and he got his army together,
375
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,600
And they marched on egypt.
376
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,200
He was like,
"show us her ass!
377
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:10,700
Show us her ass!
Show us her ass!"
378
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:17,500
'cause romans spoke with
british accents, apparently.
379
00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,300
They do.
They--if you see any movie
380
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:23,400
About ancient rome, they always
talk in british accents.
381
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,200
Like, "caesar, a messenger."
"oh, lovely. Bring it over.
382
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,700
I'm just having tea."
383
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,600
"sire, some news
from downton abbey."
384
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,600
"really? Come on over here."
385
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,200
It's true.
All movies about ancient rome,
386
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,800
The romans talk
with british accents,
387
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:41,500
Which is ridiculous--
they're italians.
388
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:46,500
They'd be like,
"hey, what's a comin' a go?"
389
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:49,200
But you watch any movie
about ancient rome, they're--
390
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,700
Or any of these
ancient movies.
391
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,900
If you want to make
an ancient thing, you know,
392
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,200
Ancient movies and the like,
393
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,900
Everyone talks
with british accents.
394
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:58,600
Which really fucks me off,
because I can't concentrate.
395
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,100
It takes me out
of the movie.
396
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:01,700
I always expect
something weird to happen
397
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,200
Because I watched a lot
of monty python
398
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,200
When I was a kid.
399
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,300
A lot!
400
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,600
So whenever I hear them go,
"caesar."
401
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,200
"yes? What?"
I always expect, like,
402
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,000
A little bunny rabbit
or something to come.
403
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,100
Or a giant drawing
of a hedgehog or something
404
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:20,300
To come out.
405
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:23,200
Even the good ones--
even the ones like, you rem--
406
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,600
You know that movie the "300"?
407
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,600
That is a fuckin' great movie.
408
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,400
And my buddy gerry butler
is in that movie.
409
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,000
He plays the king
of the spartans.
410
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,700
Now, I've--
I've known gerry for twent--
411
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,700
Did you see gerry's abs
in that movie?
412
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,600
Holy crap!
They're awesome.
413
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,100
I saw him after I saw
the movie.
414
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:40,000
I'm like, "gerry,
your fuckin' abs in that movie,
415
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:40,800
They're amazing."
416
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,300
He was like, "yeah,
I worked really hard."
417
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:43,500
I went, "yeah, man,
it was great."
418
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,900
He went, "not just that.
Here's the thing.
419
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,500
"they do thing thing--
they put makeup on it,
420
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,800
"and then they king of cgi it
so your abs look really great."
421
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:50,600
I was like, "oh."
422
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,100
He said,
"now, don't tell anybody."
423
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,700
So I didn't.
424
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:04,300
No, I just made that up.
425
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:11,000
Anyway, all I'm saying,
in that movie--
426
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,000
I don't know why
I told you that.
427
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:16,100
'cause I'm a shit,
that's why.
428
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:19,100
No, in that movie, where gerry
has that great speech, you know.
429
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,200
But I still--
I still hear monty python.
430
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:22,600
Like, even when he has
that great speech.
431
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,900
When he's like,
"tonight we dine in hell!"
432
00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:27,400
And I keep expecting someone
to say,
433
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,400
"what are we having?"
434
00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:36,800
"what the hell are you
talking about?"
435
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,200
"well, you know,
I'm a vegetarian.
436
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,400
"so is michael.
I just wondered
437
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,000
"if there's
a vegetarian option in hell.
438
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:45,300
Or maybe we should
pack something."
439
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,600
Look, all I'm saying is
wars have been started
440
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:51,400
Over great asses.
441
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,000
Great asses cause a lot
of problems, a lot of wars.
442
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,700
You know, cleopatra,
helen of troy.
443
00:21:56,700 --> 00:22:00,800
Who else?
Um, hitler.
444
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,400
"hitler had a great ass,
craig?"
445
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:07,500
Yeah, fuck it.
Okay, let's see where that goes.
446
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:10,600
No, hitler--
hitler did have a great ass.
447
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,100
It's an unpleasant fact
of history,
448
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:13,000
But we have to face it.
449
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,100
Many of the nazis had
great asses
450
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:18,300
Due to the marching.
451
00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:19,200
That's what it was.
452
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,500
"adolf, your buns are
so firm and tight.
453
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:23,300
What is your secret?"
454
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:26,200
"oh, you know,
just diet and goose stepping.
455
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,500
"this is my thing.
456
00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:31,300
"mm... Mm...
457
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:34,200
"ooh, feel the burn.
458
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,600
Ooh, that's when you know
it's working."
459
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:48,500
I don't know that
many nazis did that, but...
460
00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:51,900
Maybe they should have.
461
00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:54,200
Good ol' nazis,
that's what I say.
462
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,100
That's a phrase
you don't hear often.
463
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:57,100
Good ol' nazis.
464
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,200
No, listen, nazis are
very useful
465
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:00,200
If you're in my line
of work
466
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:01,800
Because, you know,
it's the one group of people
467
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:05,600
You can really fuckin'
stick it to, and nobody cares.
468
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,100
Like, no matter what I say
about nazis,
469
00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:08,700
It's very unlikely
I'm gonna get a letter
470
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:10,900
Or a tweet or an email tomorrow
from somebody saying,
471
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:15,100
"dear craig, I am a nazi,
and I am very upset...
472
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:21,400
At this negative stereotyping
of nazis."
473
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,200
'cause even if you are a nazi,
and I've upset you,
474
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:27,700
Fuck you, you're a nazi!
475
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,600
Even--even the neo-nazis--
476
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:35,000
"neo," of course, means new.
The neo-nazis.
477
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,500
Well, what's new about you?
478
00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:40,200
"well, we March up and down,
and we hate ethnic minorities."
479
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,500
I'm like,
that's not fuckin' new.
480
00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:45,000
That's the same
as the old nazis.
481
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,000
You wanna be a new nazi,
482
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,300
You gotta bring something new
to the party.
483
00:23:48,300 --> 00:23:51,800
Bedazzle that swastika,
mister.
484
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:59,800
Let's see some heels
in those jack boots.
485
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:00,800
I gotta move,
486
00:24:00,900 --> 00:24:05,700
'cause these guys definitely
got scopes.
487
00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,900
No, nazis are just useful
if you do what I do
488
00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:10,900
Because, you know, there's only
two groups of people
489
00:24:10,900 --> 00:24:12,900
You can talk about
with any degree of safety.
490
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:15,100
Everyone else is
very, very touchy.
491
00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:17,000
And I don't mean touchy
like mr. Macgoogin
492
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,500
That used to live next door
to me when I was a kid.
493
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:32,400
That's right,
laugh at my pain, ya bastards!
494
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:37,700
"craig, I've got some change
in my pocket."
495
00:24:37,700 --> 00:24:42,100
That's rubbish.
He's a lovely man.
496
00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,500
No, everyone is
very, very sensitive.
497
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,900
Everyone's very, very--
you can't talk about anyone.
498
00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:48,100
There's only two groups
of people
499
00:24:48,100 --> 00:24:50,000
You can talk about
with any degree of safety--
500
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,400
Nazis and canadians,
that's it.
501
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:58,300
That's it.
502
00:24:58,300 --> 00:25:00,700
Nazis--who gives a fuck
if you upset nazis?
503
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,600
And canadians--'cause canadians
have figured out--
504
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,200
They're very smart,
they figured it out.
505
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:09,100
They have realized
it's a fuckin' joke!
506
00:25:09,100 --> 00:25:11,500
Canadians are like,
"oh, oh, yes, that's right.
507
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:14,000
It's a fuckin' joke!"
508
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:18,300
To be honest, canadians are
just happy to be included.
509
00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:21,000
It's just like,
"he's talking about us."
510
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,800
"I know, I know.
We're on our way."
511
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:30,600
Not that I'm comparin--
512
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,200
I'm not comparing nazis
to canadians.
513
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,300
They're not the same at all.
514
00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:35,000
Nazis, bastards.
Canadians, lovely.
515
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,000
Lovely people, canadians.
516
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,600
Gentle, civilized,
beautiful people.
517
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,000
Till you give 'em
a hockey stick.
518
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,500
Then they lose
their fuckin' minds!
519
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:45,800
Like "aaaaaah!"
520
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,700
I don't know why
the canadian army bothers
521
00:25:47,700 --> 00:25:49,900
With tanks and guns
and bombs and shit.
522
00:25:49,900 --> 00:25:51,300
They should just
give the guys hockey sticks
523
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:55,000
And go, "there you are, boys.
The taliban have the puck."
524
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,600
Aaargh!
525
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:12,700
Sorry!
526
00:26:12,700 --> 00:26:14,200
But that's all
you can talk about,
527
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:15,100
Nazis or canadians.
528
00:26:15,100 --> 00:26:18,500
I--apparently I can upset
large groups of the community
529
00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:20,700
Without even fuckin' knowing
I'm doing it.
530
00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:22,200
I got into terrible trouble
recently
531
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:25,900
With the transgender community,
who were very upset with me.
532
00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:27,900
There were, you know,
emails and tweets
533
00:26:27,900 --> 00:26:28,800
And letters to the show.
534
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,100
They had this parade
up to the show.
535
00:26:30,100 --> 00:26:31,700
I mean, a fabulous parade.
It looked great.
536
00:26:31,700 --> 00:26:34,800
But they were--
537
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,300
And they were really mad
at me, and I was like,
538
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:38,600
Whoa, fuck, I don't want be
hating on the transgenders.
539
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,300
Not at all.
So, you know, I got in--
540
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:43,800
I got in touch with their--
their chair--
541
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,800
Their, uh--
542
00:26:45,900 --> 00:26:49,500
I got in touch with their chief.
The chie--the chie--
543
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:53,100
"chief transgender, craig?"
yes, their tribe.
544
00:26:53,100 --> 00:26:55,400
Uh... The transgenders.
545
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,900
No, I got in touch
with a prominent member of--
546
00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:08,400
No, see, that's not a good way
of saying it either.
547
00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:13,900
I don't even mean
to do this!
548
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:16,500
I got in touch
with a well-respected figure
549
00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:18,400
In the transgender community.
550
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:19,600
I'm like,
"what the fuck, man?"
551
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:22,700
I didn't say "man."
I said, like, "what the fuck?"
552
00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:23,900
Like, I don't want
to he hating.
553
00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:25,000
Why are you guys
so mad at me?
554
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,000
I don't--I don't--
you got me wrong.
555
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:28,300
I'm not hating on you.
What happened?
556
00:27:28,300 --> 00:27:30,800
He said, "well, you do
these sketches on your show.
557
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,000
You did this sketch
on your show."
558
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,500
I went, "I know they're shit.
You're overreacting."
559
00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:36,500
He's like, "no, no, no.
In one of the sketches,
560
00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:39,300
You wore a dress, and it was
very disrespectful."
561
00:27:39,300 --> 00:27:41,200
I'm like,
"oh, fuck, that's it?
562
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,700
"well, you should know I've been
disrespecting you at home
563
00:27:44,700 --> 00:27:46,500
"as well.
564
00:27:50,700 --> 00:27:53,900
"actually, one night
in amsterdam 1987,
565
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:59,000
"I was downright fuckin' rude
to your entire community.
566
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,600
Good time."
567
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,100
But I don't want to be hating
on transgenders.
568
00:28:07,100 --> 00:28:08,000
I really don't.
569
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,400
I mean, if you're
a transgender person,
570
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:14,400
And you're here tonight,
first of all, you look great.
571
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:21,000
And secondly,
good choice in d.C.
572
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,300
Yes.
573
00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:28,800
Who's to know?
574
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,700
Hey, I never said
a fuckin' thing.
575
00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:36,200
You thought it.
I didn't say shit.
576
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:39,600
No, I don't want to be hating
on transgenders, I don't wanna--
577
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,600
Transgender, by the way--
578
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,100
If you don't know
what transgender is,
579
00:28:42,100 --> 00:28:44,000
First of all, what?
580
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:46,300
Transgender is someone who
believes they're trapped
581
00:28:46,300 --> 00:28:47,400
In the wrong physical body.
582
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,700
A man trapped in a woman's body,
a woman trapped in a man's body.
583
00:28:50,700 --> 00:28:51,900
You know, that's
a tough place to be.
584
00:28:51,900 --> 00:28:54,400
I don't want to be hating on
someone who's in that position.
585
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,100
I sympathize with that.
586
00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:57,100
I empathize with that.
587
00:28:57,100 --> 00:28:59,800
I look at my own naked body
in a mirror and I'm like,
588
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:00,800
"look at--fuck, look at me.
589
00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,800
I'm a man trapped in the body
of a middle-aged woman.
590
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:05,400
Look at me.
591
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:07,200
I'm not even
a hot middle-aged woman.
592
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:11,200
I'm like an out of shape
delta flight attendant.
593
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,200
Look at my saggy little tits
and my flat ass.
594
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:22,800
On the upside, though, I do seem
to have an enormous clitoris.
595
00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:26,600
that's too much?
596
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:28,600
All right, that's too much.
All right.
597
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,100
Well, we found the edge.
598
00:29:31,100 --> 00:29:33,300
You're right,
that was too much.
599
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,800
But while we're on the subject,
600
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,000
Is it "clitoris"
or "cli-toris"?
601
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,200
"clitoris" or "cli-toris"?
There's always a big argument
602
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:42,800
In my house all the time.
603
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:44,900
Like "'clitoris,' 'cli-toris,'
'clitoris,' 'cli-toris.'"
604
00:29:44,900 --> 00:29:47,300
I'm like, "honey, why are we
arguing about this thing?
605
00:29:47,300 --> 00:29:50,400
It doesn't exist."
606
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:53,000
Oh, it's a fuckin' joke!
607
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,700
It's a joke!
Look at me!
608
00:29:55,700 --> 00:29:59,600
You think I don't know my way
around a clitoris?
609
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:00,700
Look at me!
610
00:30:00,700 --> 00:30:05,600
I've spent half of my damn life
doing this.
611
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,700
Oh, god.
612
00:30:09,700 --> 00:30:13,700
I've been doing this
around the world.
613
00:30:13,700 --> 00:30:16,000
Counterclockwise
for american girls,
614
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:20,200
Clockwise for
australian girls.
615
00:30:21,900 --> 00:30:23,300
I can do the clitoris.
616
00:30:23,300 --> 00:30:25,000
I can do your clitoris
from here.
617
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,500
Look, this is me doing it.
Mmm.
618
00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:29,400
You feel that?
That's me.
619
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:32,000
whoo!
620
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:35,300
Hey.
pow.
621
00:30:38,900 --> 00:30:41,100
"craig, it's like
you're a magician."
622
00:30:41,100 --> 00:30:44,800
Yes, it is.
623
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:54,300
You're right,
that was too far.
624
00:30:54,300 --> 00:30:57,500
"clitoris," "cli-toris,"
"clitoris," "cli-toris."
625
00:30:57,500 --> 00:30:59,600
I suggest a name
we can all agree on.
626
00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:04,800
How about "ladycock"?
627
00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:08,600
I'll take that
as a yes, there.
628
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,500
Now look, I don't want to be
hating on transgenders.
629
00:31:10,500 --> 00:31:12,600
I don't believe in hating
on people for what they are.
630
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,600
It's not my thing, man.
I'm, like, love all the people.
631
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,800
Like, fuck this.
I'm like a hippie, you know,
632
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:21,400
Except I'm angry and scottish
and clean.
633
00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,700
It's very difficult to be
a hippie if you're scottish.
634
00:31:23,700 --> 00:31:24,700
You can't really do it.
635
00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:27,200
It's 'cause of the, you know,
the easy sexual thing.
636
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:30,200
It was like, well, fuck, no.
Oh, no.
637
00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:32,400
It's not that we believe
sex is sinful.
638
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:33,100
We don't.
639
00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:36,700
We just believe it's sinful
if you enjoy it.
640
00:31:36,700 --> 00:31:38,600
To this day--I've lived in
america 20 years.
641
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:41,900
But to this day, whenever--
you know, during an orgasm,
642
00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:46,100
I still try and look stoic.
643
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:50,000
Even if I'm on my own.
644
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:54,100
Anytime, I'm like, "ah,
that's--that's very nice, right?
645
00:31:54,100 --> 00:31:56,800
"mm-hmm.
646
00:32:13,300 --> 00:32:15,600
"oh, yeah.
647
00:32:16,300 --> 00:32:18,800
"and thank you very much.
Thank you.
648
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,100
Thank you very much.
See you next time, regis."
649
00:32:21,100 --> 00:32:23,900
And that's really
the way it is.
650
00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:26,300
Oh, it's a fuckin' joke.
Relax.
651
00:32:26,300 --> 00:32:28,300
Or is it?
652
00:32:28,300 --> 00:32:30,100
No, I don't believe in
hating on people.
653
00:32:30,100 --> 00:32:31,800
I mean, fuck that.
Life's hard enough.
654
00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:33,200
I don't want to be hating
on people.
655
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:34,900
I also think it's bad karma.
656
00:32:34,900 --> 00:32:36,400
It comes back
and gets you anyway,
657
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:38,600
If you start all that fuckin'
oppressing people.
658
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,500
Like, it seems to me
every couple of months,
659
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,800
There's always some fiery
preacher who's always like,
660
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:44,000
"I hate the gays.
I hate the gays.
661
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:45,400
"I hate the gays.
Oh, I hate the gays
662
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:46,400
"with their sweater vests
663
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:47,700
"and their 'house
hunters international.'
664
00:32:47,700 --> 00:32:50,100
I hate the gays.
I hate the gays."
665
00:32:50,100 --> 00:32:51,100
And they hate the gays.
666
00:32:51,100 --> 00:32:53,200
And then they get caught
in a massage parlor
667
00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:56,800
Blowing an armenian sailor.
668
00:32:56,800 --> 00:33:00,800
Now if this happened once,
I'd let it go.
669
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,300
But it hasn't
just happened once.
670
00:33:02,300 --> 00:33:03,800
It happens
every couple of months.
671
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:05,500
And you fuckin' know
I'm telling the truth.
672
00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:07,800
Every couple of months,
there's like, "I hate the gays.
673
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:09,000
"I hate the gays.
I hate the gays.
674
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:10,600
I hate the gays.
I hate the gays."
675
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,600
I'd go as far as to say
if you are really interested
676
00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,200
In oppressing
and hating the gays,
677
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:21,300
It might be a sign you're gay.
678
00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:24,300
So you know, before you begin
your system of oppression,
679
00:33:24,300 --> 00:33:27,400
You might want to, you know,
just try some gay things.
680
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:29,900
Gentle gay things,
mild gay things.
681
00:33:29,900 --> 00:33:34,900
Put some scatter cushions out.
682
00:33:34,900 --> 00:33:38,600
Shave with the grain.
683
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:41,100
Suck a cock or two.
684
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:48,500
I'm here to help.
685
00:33:48,500 --> 00:33:49,800
Suck a cock or two,
see what--
686
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,700
If you don't like it,
who loses?
687
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:56,700
No, no, you're right.
That's too far.
688
00:33:56,700 --> 00:33:59,000
Is it? I don't know.
I don't think so.
689
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,500
Look, I have to say,
I don't--I don't--
690
00:34:01,500 --> 00:34:02,800
I've been all over
the United States.
691
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:04,300
Really, I've been in every state
in the union.
692
00:34:04,300 --> 00:34:05,700
I've performed in every state
in the union.
693
00:34:05,700 --> 00:34:07,400
I've been all over,
and I have to tell you,
694
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,800
99 % of americans that I've met
695
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:11,700
Don't give a fuck about
what you're doing
696
00:34:11,700 --> 00:34:12,600
Or what you're up to
697
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,900
As long as you stay the fuck
off of their property.
698
00:34:17,900 --> 00:34:21,200
"I don't give a fuck what you
wear or who you do it with,
699
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:24,800
But you stay the fuck
off of my lawn."
700
00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:26,900
And that's it.
701
00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:28,900
It's just--you know,
it's just easier
702
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:30,000
To look at other people's shit.
703
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:31,300
Then you don't have to look
at your own.
704
00:34:31,300 --> 00:34:33,300
There you are.
Where's my fuckin' phd?
705
00:34:33,300 --> 00:34:34,500
That's it.
That's it.
706
00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:37,500
That's why the gossip,
you know, websites
707
00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:39,400
And the tabloid magazines
are always, like,
708
00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:40,500
Fuckin' in other people's shit.
709
00:34:40,500 --> 00:34:42,400
But you know what?
I'm fuckin' sick of it.
710
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:43,500
I'm fuckin' sick of it.
711
00:34:43,500 --> 00:34:45,900
I'm sick--every time I go
in a fuckin' supermarket,
712
00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:47,700
There's all these tabloids
around, and then it's always
713
00:34:47,700 --> 00:34:49,700
"brad pitt, jennifer aniston,
angelina jolie--
714
00:34:49,700 --> 00:34:53,600
What's gonna happen now?"
who gives a fuck?
715
00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:54,600
I don't care.
716
00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:58,700
Seven years this shit's
been going on.
717
00:34:58,700 --> 00:35:00,500
"brad pitt, jennifer aniston,
angelina jolie--
718
00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:02,400
What's gonna happen now?
What's gonna happen now?
719
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,400
I don't care.
720
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:09,300
If you don't know the story,
very briefly, here's what it is.
721
00:35:09,300 --> 00:35:11,700
Just very briefly, here's
apparently what happened.
722
00:35:11,700 --> 00:35:14,900
Brad pitt and jennifer aniston
were very happily married,
723
00:35:14,900 --> 00:35:17,500
And they used to live
in a lovely house in malibu.
724
00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:18,900
And they were asleep one night.
725
00:35:18,900 --> 00:35:21,400
And while they were asleep,
angelina jolie
726
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:26,300
Crept into their house.
727
00:35:26,300 --> 00:35:28,300
And she was wearing--
728
00:35:28,300 --> 00:35:30,000
She was wearing
a striped shirt,
729
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:33,900
And she had a bag
with a dollar sign on it.
730
00:35:33,900 --> 00:35:36,100
And she stole brad pitt.
731
00:35:36,100 --> 00:35:41,400
Stole him like he was
a fuckin' toaster.
732
00:35:41,500 --> 00:35:43,500
I'm like, come on!
733
00:35:43,500 --> 00:35:45,300
I don't believe this shit
for a minute.
734
00:35:45,300 --> 00:35:47,000
And they always paint it as,
like, you know,
735
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:48,400
Brad pitt's this
kind of dumb guy.
736
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,600
He's like,
"I don't know."
737
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,600
And angelina jolie's like,
738
00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:58,300
Like snidely fuckin'
whiplash.
739
00:35:58,300 --> 00:36:03,600
And poor jen, her heart has been
broken one more time.
740
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,300
Like, oh, for fuck sakes,
come on.
741
00:36:05,300 --> 00:36:06,700
Men can't be stolen away
like that
742
00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:08,300
Just 'cause another hot woman
comes along.
743
00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:10,800
I can't finish this
without laughing.
744
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:15,000
No, wait, that's not true.
We're not that shallow.
745
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:16,600
I know that you think
we're shallow, ladies,
746
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:17,700
But we're not that shallow.
747
00:36:17,700 --> 00:36:19,800
Well, not after the age of 40.
748
00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:22,000
Then we just get, you know,
like, "fuck it.
749
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:26,700
I'm good here.
I'd need to move all my stuff.
750
00:36:26,700 --> 00:36:28,500
It's fine."
751
00:36:28,500 --> 00:36:31,800
You know a perfect example of
that is the actor warren beatty.
752
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:34,700
Warren beatty, for, you know,
for 30 years--
753
00:36:34,700 --> 00:36:36,000
The '60s, the '70s, the '80s--
754
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,900
Warren beatty shagged everybody,
everybody.
755
00:36:38,900 --> 00:36:40,400
He was like, "hi, how you doing?
I'm warren beatty.
756
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:41,600
"what's up, baby?
Warren beatty.
757
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,700
Hey, welcome to australia.
I'm warren beatty."
758
00:36:44,700 --> 00:36:45,600
He shagged everybody.
759
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,600
Then he met annette bening,
and he just--boom--stopped.
760
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:52,100
And the tabloids were like,
"whoa, annette bening must know
761
00:36:52,100 --> 00:36:58,200
That trick you can do
with your finger."
762
00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:01,200
You know that trick?
763
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:07,500
You get yourself a gay friend,
he'll sort you right out.
764
00:37:07,500 --> 00:37:10,700
Or a doctor.
Or a gay doctor friend.
765
00:37:10,700 --> 00:37:14,000
It don't matter. Look,
just learn the fuckin' trick.
766
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,200
No, but the tabloids were like,
"whoa. Oh, no.
767
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:17,300
What does annette bening have
768
00:37:17,300 --> 00:37:18,700
That all these other women
don't have?"
769
00:37:18,700 --> 00:37:20,000
I say, I tell you
what she has,
770
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,900
A fuckin' tired warren beatty.
771
00:37:21,900 --> 00:37:24,100
That's what she has.
772
00:37:24,100 --> 00:37:28,000
He's like...
773
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,200
Warren beatty shagged
everybody for 30 years,
774
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:34,300
And now he's in his mid-70s,
he has three teenage daughters.
775
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,400
Karma's a bitch, ain't it?
776
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:42,600
Anyway, brad pitt, angelina
jolie, and jennifer aniston.
777
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:45,300
Oh, brad.
778
00:37:45,300 --> 00:37:47,700
And angelina.
779
00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:50,200
And jennifer--
oh, poor jennifer!
780
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:51,500
Her heart has been broken.
781
00:37:51,500 --> 00:37:54,200
I'm like, "shut the fuck up."
come on,
782
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,800
Jennifer aniston's a very
capable, successful woman.
783
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:59,600
Stop this. She's a--
and if jennifer aniston had done
784
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:03,000
What a smart woman does
when she marries someone,
785
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,300
She'd still be married
to brad pitt.
786
00:38:04,300 --> 00:38:06,600
When a smart woman wants
to stay married to a guy,
787
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:09,300
After the wedding,
she fattens him up a little bit.
788
00:38:09,300 --> 00:38:10,400
Not too much.
789
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,400
Just enough to slow
the fucker down
790
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:15,100
In case he gets any ideas.
791
00:38:15,100 --> 00:38:19,400
"have some dessert, honey.
You've been working so hard.
792
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:23,500
I love your little love handle,
little muffin tops."
793
00:38:29,900 --> 00:38:31,900
Fatten him up a little bit,
794
00:38:31,900 --> 00:38:35,200
Get him to wear
a lot of sweaters, maybe.
795
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,600
A lot of knitwear,
a lot of sweaters
796
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:40,300
With little patterns on them.
797
00:38:40,300 --> 00:38:42,300
The that guys think they're
little patterns,
798
00:38:42,300 --> 00:38:43,600
But they're not patterns.
799
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:47,200
They're hieroglyphics
other women can read.
800
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:50,600
It says, "back off, bitch.
Fatty's mine."
801
00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:54,500
If jennifer aniston had played
her cards right,
802
00:38:54,500 --> 00:38:55,900
Six months after she married
brad pitt,
803
00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:57,200
He'd have looked like
alec baldwin,
804
00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,700
He'd have dressed like regis,
she'd still be married.
805
00:38:59,700 --> 00:39:01,200
But oh, no.
806
00:39:01,300 --> 00:39:04,400
She had to keep him hot.
So in the middle of the night,
807
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:07,400
In comes the husband stealer.
808
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:13,200
Angelina jolie--
what a bitch.
809
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,000
What a bitch, with her six
children, three of whom
810
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:18,200
Were adopted
from war-torn countries.
811
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,000
What a bitch.
812
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:23,200
Angelina jolie,
that husband-stealing bitch
813
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:28,300
That gave $10 million
to charity last year.
814
00:39:28,300 --> 00:39:30,400
What a bitch.
815
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:36,200
Angelina jolie, the u.N.
Ambassador for children--
816
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:40,100
What a fuckin' bitch!
817
00:39:40,100 --> 00:39:43,000
Calling angelina jolie
a husband stealer
818
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,200
Is like calling hitler
a vegetarian.
819
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:49,900
It's true, but it's hardly
the fuckin' story, is it?
820
00:39:56,100 --> 00:39:58,300
That is true.
821
00:39:58,300 --> 00:40:01,300
Hitler was a vegetarian.
He was.
822
00:40:01,300 --> 00:40:05,000
They don't tell you that
at whole foods, do they?
823
00:40:10,700 --> 00:40:15,800
"do you know who else was
a vegetarian? Hitler."
824
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,800
"give me some sausages."
825
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,600
It's true.
Hitler was a vegetarian.
826
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:21,900
He was a teetotaler.
He didn't drink.
827
00:40:21,900 --> 00:40:23,900
He didn't smoke.
And he was an artist, too.
828
00:40:23,900 --> 00:40:26,200
He used to do little landscapes,
little watercolors.
829
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,000
If he wasn't the worst prick
who ever lived,
830
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:32,800
He'd probably have
his own show on npr.
831
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:35,900
that would be awesome.
832
00:40:35,900 --> 00:40:39,100
"well, it's been a quiet week
here in berlin.
833
00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:46,700
"craig, this may be going
too far."
834
00:40:46,700 --> 00:40:50,900
I know.
"then why are you doing it?"
835
00:40:50,900 --> 00:40:53,900
I don't care.
836
00:40:53,900 --> 00:40:56,000
"surely you must care
a little bit."
837
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:57,500
Not much.
838
00:40:57,500 --> 00:41:00,800
Nah, hitler wouldn't want
to be on npr, anyway.
839
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:02,400
He'd want to be on fm.
840
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,200
He'd want his own
morning zoo show,
841
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:05,400
A drive-time
in the morning show.
842
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:07,300
That'd be hitler, yeah.
He'd want his own posse.
843
00:41:07,300 --> 00:41:09,600
He'd be like, "welcome to
drive time in the morning
844
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:14,100
With hitler, goebbels,
und mel gibson."
845
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,400
Yeah, that would be better,
yeah.
846
00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:21,500
"hey, what's the traffic like
this morning, mel?"
847
00:41:21,500 --> 00:41:23,900
"well, it's a little backed up
on the freeway.
848
00:41:23,900 --> 00:41:28,600
I blame the jews."
849
00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:33,300
I was very surprised to find out
that mel gibson was a nazi.
850
00:41:33,300 --> 00:41:38,400
I did not see that coming
in the movie "what women want."
851
00:41:41,900 --> 00:41:44,100
I was very surprised to find out
that mel was a nazi,
852
00:41:44,100 --> 00:41:47,000
But not as surprised as the city
council of the town of sterling,
853
00:41:47,100 --> 00:41:50,000
In scotland, who after the movie
"braveheart," came out,
854
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:51,600
Decided they were gonna
put up a statue
855
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:53,100
To the great scottish patriot
william wallace,
856
00:41:53,100 --> 00:41:55,400
Who was played by mel gibson
in that movie very well.
857
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:58,200
So they put up a statue
of mel fuckin' gibson
858
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,400
Right in the middle of town.
859
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:02,100
And then it comes out
mel's a nazi.
860
00:42:02,100 --> 00:42:05,200
And they were like,
"aw, fuck!
861
00:42:07,900 --> 00:42:11,500
"one of you kids get up there
and draw a little mustache
862
00:42:11,500 --> 00:42:15,200
On that thing."
863
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:17,700
Then everyone in hollywood
was saying, "oh, come on.
864
00:42:17,700 --> 00:42:20,500
Mel gibson's not a nazi,
he was just drunk."
865
00:42:20,500 --> 00:42:24,800
I'm like, "really?
You can get that drunk?"
866
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:26,500
I was a blackout drunk
for 15 years.
867
00:42:26,500 --> 00:42:30,800
I never went "third reich"
on anybody's ass at any point.
868
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:34,900
How's that?
869
00:42:34,900 --> 00:42:36,900
It was like,
"maybe I'm a lightweight.
870
00:42:36,900 --> 00:42:39,000
That's what it is.
I was one tequila away."
871
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:40,900
I'm like, "I'm staggering.
I'm staggering.
872
00:42:40,900 --> 00:42:43,400
"okay, one more.
Oh, I'm goose-stepping.
873
00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:47,900
I'm goose-step--"
874
00:42:47,900 --> 00:42:49,800
Then, when he gets caught
being a nazi,
875
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:52,100
Mel gibson did
what everybody in hollywood does
876
00:42:52,100 --> 00:42:54,000
When they get caught
being a fuckin' jerk.
877
00:42:54,100 --> 00:42:55,100
He runs away to rehab.
878
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:57,400
Rehab in hollywood
is like "safe"
879
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:58,700
When you're playing games
as a kid.
880
00:42:58,700 --> 00:43:03,900
It's like, "oh, oh, oh, rehab.
881
00:43:03,900 --> 00:43:09,200
"rehab.
Yeah.
882
00:43:10,500 --> 00:43:14,100
I blame the jews. Rehab."
883
00:43:14,100 --> 00:43:16,700
Which pisses me off, 'cause
I went to rehab.
884
00:43:16,700 --> 00:43:18,300
It's true.
I went to rehab 20 years ago
885
00:43:18,300 --> 00:43:20,400
For chronic alcohol
and cocaine addiction,
886
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:22,100
Which seems a little
unfair to me,
887
00:43:22,100 --> 00:43:24,400
Because although I did drink a
lot, and I certainly took a lot
888
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:27,600
Of cocaine, I never thought of
myself as a cocaine addict.
889
00:43:27,700 --> 00:43:30,200
I always thought cocaine was
just a kind of vitamin
890
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:35,300
That helped you
drink more.
891
00:43:35,300 --> 00:43:38,900
I still kind of believe that.
892
00:43:38,900 --> 00:43:40,000
But it's true.
I went to rehab.
893
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:41,700
You can go to fuckin' rehab
for anything now.
894
00:43:41,700 --> 00:43:43,100
It doesn't have to be anything
like that.
895
00:43:43,100 --> 00:43:44,400
You can go to rehab
for anything.
896
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:48,500
I went to a hollywood party--
this is true--recently.
897
00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:50,300
And this guy came over to me,
and he was like,
898
00:43:50,300 --> 00:43:53,300
"hey, you've been very open
about your struggles
899
00:43:53,300 --> 00:43:54,200
With drink and drugs."
900
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:55,500
I'm like, "it's not really
a struggle.
901
00:43:55,500 --> 00:43:56,800
I haven't had them
for a long time."
902
00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:58,500
He was like, "yeah,
but you've been very open
903
00:43:58,500 --> 00:43:59,500
About your past
with it."
904
00:43:59,500 --> 00:44:00,700
I'm like, "well,
it is what it is."
905
00:44:00,700 --> 00:44:03,600
And he said, "well, I have
a substance abuse problem."
906
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:06,600
I was like, "oh, really?
What's your thing?"
907
00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:12,200
He's like, "chocolate."
908
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:13,700
I was like, "oh, man.
909
00:44:13,700 --> 00:44:18,500
You know what you should do?
You should go fuck yourself."
910
00:44:21,300 --> 00:44:23,300
He was like,
"oh, man, that's harsh."
911
00:44:23,300 --> 00:44:26,800
I'm like, "no, no,
you're a fuckin' idiot!
912
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:28,300
You're not addicted
to chocolate. Shut up."
913
00:44:28,300 --> 00:44:29,700
If you're here tonight,
and you think
914
00:44:29,700 --> 00:44:32,700
You're addicted to chocolate,
you're not--you're stupid!
915
00:44:32,700 --> 00:44:34,800
I know you think you're--I mean,
I know what it's like.
916
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:36,900
I've eaten too much chocolate
in my life.
917
00:44:36,900 --> 00:44:38,200
I understand that.
Sometimes you eat
918
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:39,900
A little too much chocolate,
you go, "oh, I feel bad."
919
00:44:39,900 --> 00:44:42,700
But it's different. I've never
gone out, and I thought,
920
00:44:42,700 --> 00:44:44,400
"mm, I'm just gonna
have an almond joy."
921
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:45,900
Then you have an almond joy
and go, "oh, fuck!
922
00:44:45,900 --> 00:44:47,200
"I've got to have
more almond joys.
923
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:48,800
"I got to have another one.
I got to have more.
924
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:50,000
"oh, get a snickers bar
up my ass.
925
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:51,100
"I got to get a snickers bar.
926
00:44:51,100 --> 00:44:53,500
"oh, pour hershey all over my
tits, hershey over my tits.
927
00:44:53,500 --> 00:44:56,200
"I got to rub chocolate
all over fuckin'--
928
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:57,600
"ah, stick it in my taint.
929
00:44:57,600 --> 00:44:58,900
"I got to have chocolate
all over me.
930
00:44:58,900 --> 00:45:00,800
Ah, chocolate, chocolate,
chocolate!"
931
00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:02,500
Then wake up three days later
on the floor
932
00:45:02,500 --> 00:45:05,000
Of a piggly wiggly
with a sore ass and a tattoo.
933
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:07,500
That's fuckin' addiction.
934
00:45:15,500 --> 00:45:20,900
But there's also a downside.
935
00:45:20,900 --> 00:45:21,900
Look, I'm not judging you.
936
00:45:21,900 --> 00:45:23,700
If you think
you're addicted to chocolate,
937
00:45:23,700 --> 00:45:27,900
Then you're just
a fuckin' idiot.
938
00:45:27,900 --> 00:45:29,900
I'm not saying there aren't
other pathologies.
939
00:45:29,900 --> 00:45:31,600
I understand there are
different pathologies.
940
00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:33,100
I understand there
are different addictions.
941
00:45:33,100 --> 00:45:34,800
But it's hard to know
what's what.
942
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:37,100
You can't pathologize
the human condition.
943
00:45:37,100 --> 00:45:38,900
I mean, there are some things
you go, "wait a minute,
944
00:45:38,900 --> 00:45:40,000
You're just a fuckin' asshole."
945
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:42,700
Like, the--like sexual
addiction, right?
946
00:45:42,700 --> 00:45:44,800
Sexual addiction. I understand
there's a problem there.
947
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,200
I understand there's
a compulsive behavior.
948
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:51,600
But how do you know when you're
a sex addict or just you?
949
00:45:53,900 --> 00:45:58,000
"well, let me tell you..."
950
00:46:03,300 --> 00:46:05,500
No, there was
a very big hollywood star
951
00:46:05,500 --> 00:46:07,400
That got into terrible trouble
with sex addiction.
952
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:09,600
I won't say his name,
'cause he's on the show a lot,
953
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:10,800
And it would be
a little disloyal.
954
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:15,700
So let's just call him
blavid bluchovny.
955
00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:26,500
Did you just fuckin' tell him
who blavid bluchovny is?
956
00:46:26,500 --> 00:46:28,100
"I think it's jack black."
957
00:46:28,100 --> 00:46:31,500
It's not jack black!
958
00:46:33,700 --> 00:46:34,500
Holy shit.
959
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,000
I know you people don't give
a fuck about hollywood,
960
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:39,500
But really?
961
00:46:39,500 --> 00:46:41,800
Anyway, I don't know
if blavid bluchovny
962
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:42,700
Is really a sex addict.
963
00:46:42,700 --> 00:46:44,500
I mean, the last time
he was on the show,
964
00:46:44,500 --> 00:46:45,500
I went to his dressing room,
965
00:46:45,500 --> 00:46:48,200
And I was eating a banana
in front of him...
966
00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:50,900
Doing this.
967
00:46:50,900 --> 00:46:52,100
It's very difficult
to do that
968
00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:55,500
And eat a banana
at the same time.
969
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:04,700
I was. I was, like,
wearing a low-cut top.
970
00:47:04,700 --> 00:47:06,000
And nothing happened.
Nothing at all.
971
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:11,700
He just kept crying and
asking me to unlock the door.
972
00:47:11,700 --> 00:47:17,500
I was like, "put the lotion
in the basket.
973
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:22,600
Put the fuckin' lotion
in the basket."
974
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:25,700
I'm getting very concerned that
my "silence of the lambs"
975
00:47:25,700 --> 00:47:31,400
Impression is getting very like
my mick jagger impression.
976
00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:35,400
"put the fuckin' lotion
in the fuckin' basket."
977
00:47:44,500 --> 00:47:45,700
No, I'm just saying.
978
00:47:45,700 --> 00:47:46,800
Look, I'm not--what happens,
979
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:48,000
It's hollywood, I think,
does this.
980
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:50,600
Hollywood tries to, you know,
pathologize everything.
981
00:47:50,600 --> 00:47:51,700
It lets everybody off the hook.
982
00:47:51,700 --> 00:47:55,100
I mean, hollywood is--
what happens is, these ideas,
983
00:47:55,100 --> 00:47:56,200
They take place in hollywood.
984
00:47:56,200 --> 00:47:57,600
Strange ideas take place
in hollywood.
985
00:47:57,600 --> 00:47:59,100
And then hollywood exports
pop culture.
986
00:47:59,100 --> 00:48:00,900
So it goes out, and it gets
into the mainstream.
987
00:48:00,900 --> 00:48:03,800
And that's why people believe
fuckin' stupid shit.
988
00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:06,400
See, I live in hollywood.
And let me tell you something,
989
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:09,800
There are more douche bags per
square foot in hollywood
990
00:48:09,800 --> 00:48:11,000
Than anywhere I've been
in my life.
991
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:14,900
And I include fuckin' England.
I'm not kidding.
992
00:48:14,900 --> 00:48:18,700
Like, and it's not like--
not everybody's bad.
993
00:48:18,700 --> 00:48:20,000
I'm not saying that.
But there are--
994
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:22,600
You know,
there's, like, two basic types
995
00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:23,500
Of people in hollywood.
996
00:48:23,500 --> 00:48:26,200
You got the gullible people,
who are not that bad.
997
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:28,700
You know, they go to hollywood
to be discovered.
998
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:30,500
They go, "I've got to be
discovered."
999
00:48:30,500 --> 00:48:36,100
What do you think you are,
penicillin?
1000
00:48:36,100 --> 00:48:37,300
And they're not bad people.
1001
00:48:37,300 --> 00:48:38,700
They're just stupid
and a bit greedy.
1002
00:48:38,700 --> 00:48:40,400
I mean, I get it.
I was like that too,
1003
00:48:40,400 --> 00:48:42,100
And still am a bit.
1004
00:48:42,100 --> 00:48:44,100
But it's the people that
prey on them that are weird.
1005
00:48:44,100 --> 00:48:45,800
You know, the people that say,
"you better believe
1006
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:47,700
"what I believe,
or you won't be discovered.
1007
00:48:47,700 --> 00:48:48,800
"better give me your money.
1008
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:50,100
"you better believe
what I believe.
1009
00:48:50,100 --> 00:48:51,700
"you better, you know...
Psychology is bad.
1010
00:48:51,700 --> 00:48:57,500
You'll die if you do any."
thank you.
1011
00:48:57,500 --> 00:48:58,900
One psychiatrist
in the back going,
1012
00:48:58,900 --> 00:49:02,300
"finally, something for me.
1013
00:49:02,300 --> 00:49:05,400
"for I am a nazi...
1014
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:08,400
"who practices psychology.
1015
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:13,700
I'm an unusual man, I admit."
1016
00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:15,300
Anyway, what I'm saying is,
you know,
1017
00:49:15,300 --> 00:49:17,500
It's just that hollywood--
these weird fuckin' ideas
1018
00:49:17,500 --> 00:49:18,500
Start happening in hollywood.
1019
00:49:18,500 --> 00:49:20,300
And then, because hollywood
exports the, you know,
1020
00:49:20,300 --> 00:49:22,600
Pop culture, it gets
into the fuckin' mainstream.
1021
00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:24,500
And then weird shit
gets believed.
1022
00:49:24,500 --> 00:49:27,800
Like, this is true.
In hollywood, there's, you know,
1023
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:29,800
Just, like, normal people
you think are normal.
1024
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,400
And they've got
such weird fuckin' ideas.
1025
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:32,900
There's a friend of my wife's,
a lovely woman.
1026
00:49:32,900 --> 00:49:34,000
Friend of the family, really.
1027
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:36,700
She's a lovely woman.
You know, her kids go
1028
00:49:36,700 --> 00:49:38,000
To the same school
as my kids.
1029
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:39,900
You know, she's a soccer mom,
drives her kids to school,
1030
00:49:39,900 --> 00:49:42,000
All that, just, like
a normal, regular woman.
1031
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:45,100
Except every couple of months,
in order to get rid of
1032
00:49:45,100 --> 00:49:48,000
The "negative energy"
in her body,
1033
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:52,200
She puts a hen's egg
in her vagina.
1034
00:49:54,400 --> 00:50:00,000
That may be the noise she
makes as it goes in as well.
1035
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:03,300
I don't know, it depends
1036
00:50:03,300 --> 00:50:05,400
If it's been
in the refrigerator or not.
1037
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:07,900
All I'm saying is--
1038
00:50:07,900 --> 00:50:10,000
she does.
1039
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:12,400
She puts a hen's egg
in her vagina.
1040
00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:15,900
You know, her own vagina,
not my wife's vagina.
1041
00:50:15,900 --> 00:50:18,100
No, I--no.
No, she puts--
1042
00:50:18,100 --> 00:50:19,800
She puts a hen's egg
in her vagina.
1043
00:50:19,800 --> 00:50:22,600
And I'm thinking, "look,
that's dangerous."
1044
00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:25,500
That is dangerous.
What if you were out somewhere,
1045
00:50:25,500 --> 00:50:29,300
And that hatched?
1046
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:46,000
"is your vagina clucking?"
1047
00:50:46,000 --> 00:50:50,200
"would you like it to?"
1048
00:50:50,200 --> 00:50:51,900
Look, I'm not trying
to rain on your parade.
1049
00:50:51,900 --> 00:50:54,500
If you want to put, you know,
an egg in your vagina,
1050
00:50:54,500 --> 00:50:58,300
You're just an idiot.
No, it's just stupid.
1051
00:50:58,300 --> 00:51:01,000
I mean, my wife said to her,
"does this work?
1052
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:02,400
Really, honestly,
does it work?"
1053
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:03,600
She said, "you know, it does.
1054
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:04,800
"I know it sounds weird,
but it does.
1055
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:10,500
Whenever I take it out,
I feel such a sense of relief."
1056
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,400
Like, yes!
1057
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:13,400
I don't even have a vagina.
1058
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:18,000
The idea of a hen's egg in my
vagina makes me uncomfortable.
1059
00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:20,600
I fell victim to that kind of
thinking too, though.
1060
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:24,200
When I first moved to hollywood,
I was very, very twitchy.
1061
00:51:24,200 --> 00:51:25,300
I had just gotten sober.
1062
00:51:25,300 --> 00:51:28,700
I was very, very twitchy
and very volatile,
1063
00:51:28,700 --> 00:51:30,700
Very--ooh, even twitchier
than I am now.
1064
00:51:30,700 --> 00:51:33,300
I was like--you know
when daffy duck drinks a potion
1065
00:51:33,300 --> 00:51:34,700
In a cartoon or something?
And it's like...
1066
00:51:40,600 --> 00:51:43,700
Like that twitchy.
1067
00:51:45,900 --> 00:51:47,500
And I was like that
all the time.
1068
00:51:47,500 --> 00:51:49,400
So, you know,
the only employment I could get
1069
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:50,400
Is that of an actor,
1070
00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:54,200
'cause you can do that
if you're insane and stupid.
1071
00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:55,800
Yes, you can.
1072
00:51:55,800 --> 00:51:57,500
Here's how you do it.
You pretend things.
1073
00:51:57,500 --> 00:51:59,200
It's like, "oh, it was
very hard work in this movie."
1074
00:51:59,200 --> 00:52:02,400
"really? What did you do?"
"we pretended things."
1075
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:05,400
"oh, fuck, that must have been
really hard."
1076
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:06,400
Here's how you do acting.
1077
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:08,300
Oh, what's that over there?
There's nothing there.
1078
00:52:08,300 --> 00:52:12,800
I just--I fuckin' acted
right there!
1079
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:15,000
Anyway, one day--
1080
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,000
I was working as an actor,
1081
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:20,100
And I was working with
this very new age actress,
1082
00:52:20,100 --> 00:52:21,400
A very nice woman,
a lovely woman,
1083
00:52:21,500 --> 00:52:23,000
A very caring person,
but very new age
1084
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:24,700
And very hollywood,
and very all that, kind of,
1085
00:52:24,700 --> 00:52:27,000
You know, eggs
and all that kind of stuff.
1086
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:28,900
And when we weren't
on the set together,
1087
00:52:28,900 --> 00:52:32,700
I'd visit her in her trailer.
1088
00:52:39,300 --> 00:52:41,100
No, I would visit her
in her trailer.
1089
00:52:41,100 --> 00:52:42,600
And I was so twitchy
and upset.
1090
00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:45,600
And she said, "baby,
your problem isn't alcoholism."
1091
00:52:45,600 --> 00:52:50,400
I was like, "it isn't?
Fuckin' great. Let's get drunk."
1092
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:51,400
She's like, "no, no, no, no.
1093
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:52,700
"honey, your problem
isn't alcoholism.
1094
00:52:52,700 --> 00:52:55,500
"your problem is that
your aura is misaligned.
1095
00:52:55,500 --> 00:52:58,900
Your aura is all out of whack."
and I'm like,"my aura?
1096
00:52:58,900 --> 00:53:01,500
What, you mean,
I'm farting?"
1097
00:53:01,500 --> 00:53:04,700
She's like,
"yeah, but no.
1098
00:53:04,700 --> 00:53:07,600
"no, what happened--your aura,
baby, it's all out of whack.
1099
00:53:07,600 --> 00:53:09,000
"you need to have
your aura worked on.
1100
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:10,400
"you need to have
an aura adjustment.
1101
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:12,400
You need to go
and have an aura massage."
1102
00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:15,100
I'm like,
"you're fuckin' high."
1103
00:53:15,100 --> 00:53:18,800
She's like, "you got to go, or
no more visits to my trailer."
1104
00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:21,300
I'm like, "okay."
so I went.
1105
00:53:21,300 --> 00:53:23,000
I went to this place.
It really exists.
1106
00:53:23,000 --> 00:53:26,500
It's in hollywood.
It's an aura massage spa
1107
00:53:26,500 --> 00:53:29,300
Where you can go
and have your aura massaged.
1108
00:53:29,300 --> 00:53:30,400
And I went.
And I walked in.
1109
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:32,900
And it's just like regular spa
place you go for a massage,
1110
00:53:32,900 --> 00:53:34,300
You know, the people
wearing the white coats
1111
00:53:34,300 --> 00:53:35,900
And the little rocks
and the little trees
1112
00:53:35,900 --> 00:53:38,500
And the little fountain
and the enya music playing
1113
00:53:38,500 --> 00:53:39,600
And all that stuff.
1114
00:53:39,600 --> 00:53:42,000
And like any guy going for
a massage, I'm thinking,
1115
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:45,600
"am I gonna get
jerked off here?"
1116
00:53:45,600 --> 00:53:48,100
I mean, you know
it's not gonna happen,
1117
00:53:48,100 --> 00:53:49,500
But it might happen.
1118
00:53:49,500 --> 00:53:53,900
I mean, it's not gonna happen,
but it might happen.
1119
00:53:53,900 --> 00:53:55,900
This might be the one time
when the therapist goes,
1120
00:53:55,900 --> 00:53:58,500
"you know, this is unethical,
but I can see the problem.
1121
00:53:58,500 --> 00:54:01,500
Here, let me just take a..."
1122
00:54:01,500 --> 00:54:04,000
I try and instigate it now.
You know when they say,
1123
00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:04,800
"any problem areas?"
1124
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:10,700
Like, "I have a lot
of tension right here."
1125
00:54:10,700 --> 00:54:12,100
You know, you don't want it
to happen,
1126
00:54:12,100 --> 00:54:13,500
But it might,
and you want to be ready.
1127
00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,700
That's why straight guys always
ask for a female therapist.
1128
00:54:15,700 --> 00:54:17,900
'cause you think, "well,
if I'm gonna get jerked off,
1129
00:54:17,900 --> 00:54:21,100
I'd prefer if it was a lady."
1130
00:54:21,100 --> 00:54:23,300
You know it's not gonna happen,
but it might.
1131
00:54:23,300 --> 00:54:26,100
Look, any guy that says to you
if he goes for a massage
1132
00:54:26,200 --> 00:54:28,300
That doesn't go through his
head, he's fuckin' lying to you.
1133
00:54:28,300 --> 00:54:29,600
That goes through your head.
1134
00:54:29,600 --> 00:54:31,800
You know
it's not gonna happen.
1135
00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:34,400
but it might.
1136
00:54:34,500 --> 00:54:36,700
That's how you can tell
when a guy's been
1137
00:54:36,700 --> 00:54:37,700
For a legitimate massage.
1138
00:54:37,700 --> 00:54:42,500
He comes out relaxed and
a little bit disappointed.
1139
00:54:42,500 --> 00:54:44,400
It's like, "how was
your massage, honey?"
1140
00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:47,900
Like, "ah, it's good.
1141
00:54:50,500 --> 00:54:55,400
It's great.
Really got my shoulder."
1142
00:54:57,100 --> 00:54:59,300
Anyway, so I go to get
my aura massage,
1143
00:54:59,300 --> 00:55:01,200
And it's just like
a regular massage.
1144
00:55:01,200 --> 00:55:03,000
You know, you lie on the table,
take your clothes off,
1145
00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:04,200
Towel over your junk.
Big towel.
1146
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:07,100
Big, giant beach towel
over my junk.
1147
00:55:07,100 --> 00:55:10,500
And then the massage treatment
is exactly the same
1148
00:55:10,500 --> 00:55:11,400
As a regular massage.
1149
00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:13,300
The therapist comes in,
very nice young woman.
1150
00:55:13,300 --> 00:55:16,100
And it's the same
as a regular massage,
1151
00:55:16,100 --> 00:55:18,000
Except this is
the therapist's hands,
1152
00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:23,700
Then this is a foot of air,
and then there's you.
1153
00:55:23,700 --> 00:55:25,900
And in here is your aura.
1154
00:55:25,900 --> 00:55:30,000
I'm like, "are you
fuckin' shitting me?"
1155
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:31,500
But, you know,
they really sell it.
1156
00:55:31,500 --> 00:55:33,400
So you know, you don't want
to be an asshole.
1157
00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:34,900
And they say all
the same things, like,
1158
00:55:34,900 --> 00:55:36,400
"how's the pressure there?"
1159
00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:39,100
And I'm like, "good, good.
That's great."
1160
00:55:39,100 --> 00:55:41,900
And they're fuckin' doing it.
And I'm like,
1161
00:55:41,900 --> 00:55:46,000
"I am such a fuckin' tool
for being here."
1162
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:48,200
And she's saying
all these things like,
1163
00:55:48,200 --> 00:55:49,700
"oh, there's a knot there."
1164
00:55:49,700 --> 00:55:52,800
And I'm like, "oh, yeah,
that's the spot, yeah."
1165
00:55:52,800 --> 00:55:55,000
I felt such a prick.
And I was actually getting tense
1166
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:57,700
And angry and angrier at myself,
and angrier and angrier.
1167
00:55:57,700 --> 00:56:00,700
I was so fuckin' tense,
by the time she finished--
1168
00:56:00,700 --> 00:56:03,200
I was so relieved,
I felt as if I had a hen's egg
1169
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,200
Removed from my vagina.
1170
00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:08,400
And then, when I went
to go and write the check...
1171
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:09,700
You know, I was
at the receptionist.
1172
00:56:09,700 --> 00:56:11,700
And the receptionist said,
"when you make out the check,
1173
00:56:11,700 --> 00:56:16,000
Make it to the aura, you know,
chakra chiropractic clinic."
1174
00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:17,600
And I'm like,
"this is chiropracty?"
1175
00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:20,300
And she said, "no, no, no.
But if you call it that,
1176
00:56:20,300 --> 00:56:23,300
You can claim it
on your insurance."
1177
00:56:23,300 --> 00:56:25,400
And I was like, "oh...
1178
00:56:25,400 --> 00:56:28,600
Doesn't that fuck
with your aura?"
1179
00:56:28,600 --> 00:56:32,100
And I left in a cloud of smug.
1180
00:56:32,100 --> 00:56:37,500
But that happened.
That's true.
1181
00:56:37,500 --> 00:56:42,100
Yeah, thanks for that round
of applause for being a dick.
1182
00:56:42,100 --> 00:56:43,200
No, but that really happened.
1183
00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:45,100
There's nothing new in that,
I suppose.
1184
00:56:45,100 --> 00:56:47,000
I mean, humans have believed
in shit for years.
1185
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:48,900
And we believe in
utter fuckin' rubbish.
1186
00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:51,500
It is a miracle
we are still here.
1187
00:56:51,500 --> 00:56:54,800
It really is.
We are fuckin' stupid.
1188
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:56,500
Do you know that for
a couple of hundred years
1189
00:56:56,500 --> 00:56:58,400
In the middle ages--
this is true--
1190
00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:01,300
People believed that
the cure for blindness--
1191
00:57:01,300 --> 00:57:02,600
In places in europe,
this is a real--
1192
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:04,000
You can google this,
and it comes up,
1193
00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:08,800
And then
you know it's true.
1194
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:12,400
The cure for blindness--
apparently, in parts of europe,
1195
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:14,600
They believed that
rubbing dog shit in the eyes
1196
00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:17,200
Of a blind person
would cure their blindness.
1197
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:20,200
I know. That's what, probably,
the blind person said.
1198
00:57:20,200 --> 00:57:22,000
He was like, "oh!"
1199
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,800
And they believed it for
a couple of hundred years.
1200
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:28,100
It wasn't, like, an afternoon.
I can understand trying it.
1201
00:57:28,100 --> 00:57:29,300
I can understand, like,
"oh, fuck.
1202
00:57:29,300 --> 00:57:30,900
Bob's gone blind.
What the fuck are we gonna do?"
1203
00:57:30,900 --> 00:57:32,500
"I don't know.
It's the fuckin' middle ages.
1204
00:57:32,500 --> 00:57:33,400
Try dog shit."
"okay.
1205
00:57:33,400 --> 00:57:35,300
We'll rub dog shit
in his eyes."
1206
00:57:35,300 --> 00:57:36,700
But it's not like it worked.
1207
00:57:36,700 --> 00:57:39,000
It's not like somebody went,
"oh, the smell is awful,
1208
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:40,800
But look at
the beauty of nature."
1209
00:57:40,800 --> 00:57:43,700
It doesn't work.
1210
00:57:43,700 --> 00:57:45,500
And you know
the blind person was like,
1211
00:57:45,500 --> 00:57:47,200
"oh, what the fuck are
you guys doing?"
1212
00:57:47,200 --> 00:57:50,300
Like, "it's a special lotion
from France, bob."
1213
00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:53,700
"no, it's not.
I'm blind, I'm not stupid.
1214
00:57:53,700 --> 00:57:55,500
"I've got that blind person
sense of smell.
1215
00:57:55,500 --> 00:57:59,100
I can tell you
whose dog this is."
1216
00:58:03,700 --> 00:58:05,900
You know when people
glamorize the past?
1217
00:58:05,900 --> 00:58:07,400
I'm like, "really?
What about going back
1218
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:10,600
To rubbing dog shit
in our eyes?"
1219
00:58:13,200 --> 00:58:16,000
See, when I hear people
romanticize the past
1220
00:58:16,000 --> 00:58:17,300
And all that,
I think about that.
1221
00:58:17,300 --> 00:58:19,500
You know, like, you know,
back in the day,
1222
00:58:19,500 --> 00:58:21,500
When people would go, "oh, yes,
things were so lovely
1223
00:58:21,500 --> 00:58:22,500
Back in ren faire times."
1224
00:58:22,500 --> 00:58:23,900
Like, "shut the fuck up.
No, they weren't."
1225
00:58:23,900 --> 00:58:29,600
"yes, things were great.
Everyone was a gryffindor."
1226
00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:32,700
It was a terrible time.
The past was awful.
1227
00:58:32,700 --> 00:58:36,400
Fuck the past.
I grew up in the past.
1228
00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:39,200
I did. I grew up in scotland
in the 1970s.
1229
00:58:39,200 --> 00:58:43,500
You had disco.
We had rickets.
1230
00:58:46,500 --> 00:58:50,900
Kind of the same effect.
You're going...
1231
00:58:50,900 --> 00:58:53,200
You're right, that's too far.
1232
00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:57,600
"dear craig, I am
a transgender nazi with rickets,
1233
00:58:57,600 --> 00:59:00,500
And I am very upset."
1234
00:59:00,500 --> 00:59:04,500
It's a fuckin' joke.
1235
00:59:04,500 --> 00:59:06,400
But whenever people glamorize
the past,
1236
00:59:06,400 --> 00:59:08,100
I'm like, "really?
- Modern medicine.
1237
00:59:08,100 --> 00:59:10,700
There, fuck you and
your glamorizing the past."
1238
00:59:10,700 --> 00:59:11,500
I hate that idea.
1239
00:59:11,500 --> 00:59:13,800
Modern medicine,
if you can afford it--
1240
00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:14,800
Shut up, canadians--
1241
00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:19,900
Is the miracle--
is the miracle of the age.
1242
00:59:19,900 --> 00:59:20,700
See, it's true.
1243
00:59:20,700 --> 00:59:22,800
Whenever I'm in d.C.--
It used to be walter reed.
1244
00:59:22,800 --> 00:59:24,700
Now it's a different place
slightly out of town.
1245
00:59:24,700 --> 00:59:26,100
But the walter reed--
1246
00:59:26,100 --> 00:59:28,100
You know, it's for
our soldiers that get,
1247
00:59:28,100 --> 00:59:29,300
You know, wounded in battle.
1248
00:59:29,300 --> 00:59:31,600
And what the doctors can do
for those guys there
1249
00:59:31,600 --> 00:59:33,800
Is un-fuckin'-believable,
unbelievable.
1250
00:59:33,800 --> 00:59:35,400
it's true.
1251
00:59:35,400 --> 00:59:38,600
I mean, they're working
with extraordinary patients.
1252
00:59:38,600 --> 00:59:42,600
I mean, amazing guys.
I met a guy there, a marine.
1253
00:59:42,600 --> 00:59:45,600
It's true.
He had lost both of his legs
1254
00:59:45,600 --> 00:59:46,700
Below the knee from an I.E.D.
1255
00:59:46,700 --> 00:59:50,400
And he'd had them replaced
with prosthetic legs, you know,
1256
00:59:50,400 --> 00:59:52,300
Legs and feet,
and he was walking around.
1257
00:59:52,300 --> 00:59:54,300
He said he had no pain.
He had no limp.
1258
00:59:54,300 --> 00:59:58,300
You know, and, you know, he was,
like, handling it really well
1259
00:59:58,300 --> 00:59:59,300
With a good attitude.
1260
00:59:59,300 --> 01:00:00,400
He was really kinda fine
with it.
1261
01:00:00,400 --> 01:00:01,600
He was helping
the other patients.
1262
01:00:01,600 --> 01:00:03,900
The only way you could tell is
'cause he was wearing shorts.
1263
01:00:03,900 --> 01:00:07,000
And I said to him, "man,
you're handling this so well."
1264
01:00:07,000 --> 01:00:08,300
And he's like--
and this is true.
1265
01:00:08,300 --> 01:00:10,000
This is exactly
what he said to me.
1266
01:00:10,000 --> 01:00:11,500
He said, "you kidding me, pal?
1267
01:00:11,500 --> 01:00:16,300
I came in here 5'10",
I'm leaving 6'2"."
1268
01:00:16,300 --> 01:00:18,000
That fucking amazing?
1269
01:00:19,800 --> 01:00:23,400
That's what he said!
1270
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:24,500
Came in 5'10",
leaving 6'2".
1271
01:00:24,500 --> 01:00:26,800
See, that right--that's
a fucking american badass,
1272
01:00:26,800 --> 01:00:29,300
Right there.
1273
01:00:29,300 --> 01:00:31,100
"came in here 5'10",
leaving 6'2"."
1274
01:00:31,100 --> 01:00:34,500
Hoo-fucking-rah.
1275
01:00:34,500 --> 01:00:35,700
See, that's another reason
1276
01:00:35,700 --> 01:00:37,700
Why you don't want to be
fighting against these guys.
1277
01:00:37,700 --> 01:00:39,200
Can you imagine?
'cause he was like--
1278
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:40,100
He wanted to go back.
1279
01:00:40,100 --> 01:00:41,500
His unit were still overseas.
And he was like,
1280
01:00:41,600 --> 01:00:42,900
"I want to go back.
I want to go back."
1281
01:00:43,000 --> 01:00:44,800
And the military are like,
"you've done enough."
1282
01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:46,000
He's like,
"no, I want to go back."
1283
01:00:46,000 --> 01:00:47,300
Can you imagine
what it would be like
1284
01:00:47,300 --> 01:00:48,500
Being the fucking taliban,
going,
1285
01:00:48,500 --> 01:00:50,100
"oh, my god,
you shoot their legs off,
1286
01:00:50,100 --> 01:00:53,000
They come back
fucking taller!"
1287
01:01:07,100 --> 01:01:08,300
It's fucking--
can you imagine
1288
01:01:08,300 --> 01:01:10,500
The astonishing bravery
in that young man?
1289
01:01:10,500 --> 01:01:13,400
I mean, the fortitude,
the courage in that individual.
1290
01:01:13,400 --> 01:01:15,000
That's unbelievable to me.
1291
01:01:15,100 --> 01:01:17,000
I don't have a teaspoon
of that in my body,
1292
01:01:17,000 --> 01:01:20,100
Not a fucking ounce,
not an atom of that in me.
1293
01:01:20,100 --> 01:01:24,600
I shit my pants
watching shark week.
1294
01:01:26,600 --> 01:01:29,000
Although I went
on shark week once.
1295
01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:30,100
I did. Yeah.
1296
01:01:30,100 --> 01:01:31,800
No, the discovery channel
phoned me up.
1297
01:01:31,800 --> 01:01:33,200
And they said,
"hey, you're always talking
1298
01:01:33,200 --> 01:01:34,100
"about shark week.
1299
01:01:34,100 --> 01:01:35,300
You want to go diving
with sharks?"
1300
01:01:35,300 --> 01:01:36,500
And I was like,
"fuck, yeah."
1301
01:01:38,300 --> 01:01:42,100
Which is how I answer the phone,
apparently.
1302
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:45,100
So I went.
1303
01:01:45,100 --> 01:01:46,700
And I was really brave about,
you know,
1304
01:01:46,700 --> 01:01:49,400
The shark diving,
right until I had to do it.
1305
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:52,300
I was, uh--
1306
01:01:52,300 --> 01:01:53,100
Fuck, man.
1307
01:01:53,100 --> 01:01:55,500
It was horrible,
'cause it was in the bahamas,
1308
01:01:55,500 --> 01:01:57,000
Which is a lovely place,
the bahamas.
1309
01:01:57,000 --> 01:01:58,300
And they flew us
to the bahamas.
1310
01:01:58,300 --> 01:02:00,100
Now, if you've ever been to
the bahamas, you'll know this,
1311
01:02:00,100 --> 01:02:02,200
Because everybody
that's from the bahamas
1312
01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:04,800
Or is taking you
to the bahamas will tell you...
1313
01:02:04,800 --> 01:02:06,500
"sean connery lives here."
1314
01:02:06,500 --> 01:02:09,300
They're all like, "oh, sean
connery lives in the bahamas.
1315
01:02:09,300 --> 01:02:10,700
Sean connery lives here."
1316
01:02:10,700 --> 01:02:15,700
"what accent is that, craig?"
it's one I can do.
1317
01:02:15,700 --> 01:02:19,200
"is it bahamian?"
close enough.
1318
01:02:19,200 --> 01:02:20,000
But it's true.
1319
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:22,700
They're very proud of sean
connery living in the bahamas.
1320
01:02:22,700 --> 01:02:24,800
And when you get out
of the airport--it's true--
1321
01:02:24,800 --> 01:02:28,600
If you're very quiet,
you can hear him.
1322
01:02:29,700 --> 01:02:31,500
In his garden, he's like...
1323
01:02:33,500 --> 01:02:37,400
"just pruning the roses.
1324
01:02:37,400 --> 01:02:39,700
"I wonder what's for lunch.
1325
01:02:39,700 --> 01:02:41,800
"I'll just go over here.
1326
01:02:41,800 --> 01:02:46,500
Oh, I think I left my thing
over there."
1327
01:02:50,200 --> 01:02:53,600
Anyway, sean connery
lives in the bahamas.
1328
01:02:54,900 --> 01:02:56,000
So I was there for the sh--
1329
01:02:56,000 --> 01:02:58,600
for the shark week.
1330
01:02:58,600 --> 01:03:00,100
Like, really?
1331
01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:04,200
Like, really?
1332
01:03:12,100 --> 01:03:17,800
� the phantom of the opera
is there �
1333
01:03:25,700 --> 01:03:29,400
"this is the curse, my friends.
1334
01:03:29,500 --> 01:03:33,800
"sometimes, when you attack
the clitoris with gusto,
1335
01:03:33,800 --> 01:03:38,400
It is difficult
to turn it off."
1336
01:03:38,400 --> 01:03:39,700
Thank you, dracula.
1337
01:03:39,700 --> 01:03:41,600
"you're welcome."
1338
01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:50,900
You got to get out more,
really.
1339
01:03:58,400 --> 01:04:01,900
Someone's been
doing you clockwise.
1340
01:04:06,700 --> 01:04:09,900
It's simple mistake.
I've done it myself.
1341
01:04:09,900 --> 01:04:11,300
Anyway, I went shark diving.
1342
01:04:11,300 --> 01:04:12,600
I went shark diving
in the bahamas.
1343
01:04:12,600 --> 01:04:15,200
I get to the dock,
and the boat was there,
1344
01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:18,700
And the dive master was there,
and I was like, I said,
1345
01:04:18,700 --> 01:04:21,300
"hey, where's the cage,
you know, the shark cage?"
1346
01:04:21,300 --> 01:04:22,800
He's like,
"there's no cage."
1347
01:04:22,800 --> 01:04:25,400
I went, "oh, yeah,
there fucking is.
1348
01:04:25,400 --> 01:04:27,600
"I've seen this on tv.
There's a cage.
1349
01:04:27,600 --> 01:04:28,900
"the guy from
tv goes in the cage,
1350
01:04:28,900 --> 01:04:30,900
"cage goes in the water,
shark comes up and goes, "rah!"
1351
01:04:30,900 --> 01:04:33,300
"the guy from tv goes,
'oh, that was intense,'
1352
01:04:33,300 --> 01:04:35,100
"and goes home
completely intact.
1353
01:04:35,100 --> 01:04:36,900
There's a cage."
1354
01:04:36,900 --> 01:04:38,500
He's like, "no, it's not
that kind of diving."
1355
01:04:38,500 --> 01:04:39,900
I'm like, "really?
What kind of diving is it,
1356
01:04:39,900 --> 01:04:43,000
'the scottish guy is bait'
diving?"
1357
01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:45,100
He's like, "get in the boat."
so I get in the boat.
1358
01:04:45,100 --> 01:04:47,100
Now in this place,
they go shark diving every day.
1359
01:04:47,100 --> 01:04:49,300
And they go to the same place
every day.
1360
01:04:49,300 --> 01:04:52,100
The same place every day!
1361
01:04:52,100 --> 01:04:55,000
The sharks
know you're coming.
1362
01:04:55,000 --> 01:04:58,400
They're already there.
I'm not kidding.
1363
01:04:58,400 --> 01:05:00,300
They're swimming in circles.
1364
01:05:00,300 --> 01:05:01,700
They're playing volleyball
1365
01:05:01,700 --> 01:05:03,300
And high-fiving
each other and shit.
1366
01:05:03,300 --> 01:05:06,400
There's a big wiseass shark off
in the corner, going...
1367
01:05:13,400 --> 01:05:15,100
And that's
what you jump into.
1368
01:05:15,100 --> 01:05:17,200
That's what you
have to jump into.
1369
01:05:17,200 --> 01:05:18,100
And you have to jump in.
1370
01:05:18,100 --> 01:05:24,000
You have to, because there's
attractive women on that boat.
1371
01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:27,700
And like any heterosexual man,
I would rather be torn apart
1372
01:05:27,700 --> 01:05:30,100
By large,
meat-eating predators
1373
01:05:30,100 --> 01:05:32,700
Than risk the possibility
that one of those women
1374
01:05:32,700 --> 01:05:34,600
Is a massage therapist
that's gonna go crazy
1375
01:05:34,600 --> 01:05:35,700
And jerk me off in the boat.
1376
01:05:35,700 --> 01:05:39,900
Now, you know
it's not gonna happen!
1377
01:05:39,900 --> 01:05:43,100
But it might happen.
1378
01:05:43,100 --> 01:05:44,600
But it's certainly
not gonna happen
1379
01:05:44,600 --> 01:05:50,900
If you start crying
and poo your wet suit...
1380
01:05:50,900 --> 01:05:54,100
Which was my first choice.
1381
01:05:54,100 --> 01:05:56,000
So I jumped into
the shark-infested waters.
1382
01:05:56,000 --> 01:05:57,400
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I did.
1383
01:05:57,400 --> 01:05:59,600
I jumped into the shark-infested
waters, and I was amazed.
1384
01:05:59,600 --> 01:06:00,800
The sharks were
not what I thought
1385
01:06:00,800 --> 01:06:02,700
They were gonna be at all.
They were beautiful.
1386
01:06:02,700 --> 01:06:03,700
They were like,
1387
01:06:03,700 --> 01:06:07,300
"hey.
1388
01:06:07,300 --> 01:06:09,300
hi, dude."
1389
01:06:11,900 --> 01:06:15,400
They were like osmonds.
1390
01:06:21,200 --> 01:06:24,700
And you could feed them
bits of fish off of a spear gun,
1391
01:06:24,700 --> 01:06:28,400
Just like osmonds.
1392
01:06:28,400 --> 01:06:31,100
And I said to
the dive master later--
1393
01:06:31,100 --> 01:06:32,500
I mean, you can't talk to him
underwater.
1394
01:06:32,500 --> 01:06:34,400
You sound like honey boo boo.
It's like...
1395
01:06:37,200 --> 01:06:39,300
But later on, I said to him,
"that was amazing,
1396
01:06:39,300 --> 01:06:41,300
Feeding them the fish
with the spear gun."
1397
01:06:41,300 --> 01:06:42,300
And he said, "yeah, yeah."
1398
01:06:42,300 --> 01:06:43,900
I said, "but what
would've happened
1399
01:06:43,900 --> 01:06:45,100
If we'd run out of fish?"
1400
01:06:45,100 --> 01:06:47,300
He said, "well, they'd probably
just swim away."
1401
01:06:47,300 --> 01:06:48,500
I said, "have you ever
tried it?"
1402
01:06:48,600 --> 01:06:51,700
He said, "are you fucking crazy?
They're sharks."
1403
01:06:53,000 --> 01:06:55,300
And then, when we were
coming back on the boat,
1404
01:06:55,300 --> 01:06:57,400
I was talking to the kids
that worked on the boat.
1405
01:06:57,400 --> 01:06:59,500
And it was all american kids,
college kids,
1406
01:06:59,500 --> 01:07:01,300
Kids on the lam,
you know, and that, you know.
1407
01:07:01,300 --> 01:07:03,400
They were--and they--
I was talking to them.
1408
01:07:03,400 --> 01:07:05,600
And I said, "has anyone
ever been bitten?
1409
01:07:05,600 --> 01:07:08,000
You know, even a little nibble
or a scratch from a shark?"
1410
01:07:08,000 --> 01:07:10,200
And every single one of them
showed me fingers off,
1411
01:07:10,200 --> 01:07:13,100
Bits of ear missing, toes,
fucking bite marks on their ass.
1412
01:07:13,100 --> 01:07:17,000
I went...
"you motherfuckers!"
1413
01:07:17,000 --> 01:07:19,900
Like, as high as that as well.
I was very upset.
1414
01:07:19,900 --> 01:07:22,600
I was like,
"you motherfuckers!"
1415
01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:24,900
Like, dogs in the bahamas
were like...
1416
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:30,200
"we're a motherfucker?"
1417
01:07:30,200 --> 01:07:33,300
Sean connery was like,
"who said 'motherfucker'?
1418
01:07:33,300 --> 01:07:37,500
That was--
that was very high pitched."
1419
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:41,800
But the sharks were beautiful.
They were amazing.
1420
01:07:41,800 --> 01:07:45,000
I mean, these creatures
are really wonderful,
1421
01:07:45,000 --> 01:07:47,400
And we should
not be afraid of them
1422
01:07:47,400 --> 01:07:50,900
As long as we are on land.
1423
01:07:50,900 --> 01:07:53,500
No, they're lovely.
They're beautiful animals.
1424
01:07:53,500 --> 01:07:54,500
I wouldn't have believed this
1425
01:07:54,500 --> 01:07:55,900
If I hadn't seen it
with my own eyes.
1426
01:07:56,000 --> 01:07:57,600
But this is true.
I really saw this.
1427
01:07:57,600 --> 01:08:02,000
In many species of shark,
the male of the species
1428
01:08:02,000 --> 01:08:05,000
Has two penises,
side by--yes.
1429
01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:06,900
Side by side, two penises.
I saw it.
1430
01:08:06,900 --> 01:08:08,400
A male nurse shark
swam towards me.
1431
01:08:08,400 --> 01:08:11,200
He was like,
"hey, what's up? Mm-hmm.
1432
01:08:11,200 --> 01:08:14,400
"how you doing?
Oh, oh, oh.
1433
01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:17,800
look at the penis."
1434
01:08:19,100 --> 01:08:21,800
"penis."
1435
01:08:21,800 --> 01:08:23,000
Two penises.
1436
01:08:23,000 --> 01:08:26,500
I was like, "look at you,
mr. Mister."
1437
01:08:26,500 --> 01:08:28,600
Like, that's why
they're so confident.
1438
01:08:28,600 --> 01:08:30,400
They're like, "hey,
heh heh, yeah."
1439
01:08:30,400 --> 01:08:32,500
That's why
they're so angry as well.
1440
01:08:32,500 --> 01:08:35,600
Two penises, no hands.
1441
01:08:43,800 --> 01:08:46,900
"I'll swap you a penis
for a hand."
1442
01:08:46,900 --> 01:08:51,200
Oh, if I had a nickel
for every time I'd said that.
1443
01:08:54,200 --> 01:08:55,600
Is it penises or penii?
1444
01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:57,700
I've never had to use
the plural.
1445
01:08:57,700 --> 01:09:02,700
All right, one night
in amsterdam in 1987, I guess.
1446
01:09:05,600 --> 01:09:07,400
But they were lovely.
You know what I was thinking?
1447
01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:09,900
What a terrible thing
it would be, though,
1448
01:09:09,900 --> 01:09:11,900
For the drug companies
of america
1449
01:09:11,900 --> 01:09:14,000
If the human male
had two penises.
1450
01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:16,700
I mean, you would never sell
any viagra or cialis
1451
01:09:16,700 --> 01:09:17,600
Or any of that shit.
1452
01:09:17,600 --> 01:09:18,900
I mean, what are the odds
of both of them
1453
01:09:18,900 --> 01:09:20,800
Failing at the same time?
1454
01:09:20,800 --> 01:09:22,100
It would be
like aircraft engines.
1455
01:09:22,100 --> 01:09:23,500
One of them would go out.
It would be like,
1456
01:09:23,500 --> 01:09:25,100
"don't worry.
Everything's fine.
1457
01:09:25,100 --> 01:09:27,500
"we train for this
all the time.
1458
01:09:27,500 --> 01:09:29,400
"all the time,
we train for this.
1459
01:09:29,400 --> 01:09:32,400
"we'll get you where
you need to go.
1460
01:09:32,400 --> 01:09:34,600
"might go a little lower
or a little slower,
1461
01:09:34,600 --> 01:09:38,600
But it's not a problem.
Very routine."
1462
01:09:41,400 --> 01:09:42,900
I'm kind of
enjoying myself now.
1463
01:09:42,900 --> 01:09:45,400
I'm gonna do this
for a while.
1464
01:09:45,400 --> 01:09:47,100
Kind of having a good time.
1465
01:09:51,600 --> 01:09:53,600
I just thought these animals
were beautiful.
1466
01:09:53,600 --> 01:09:55,300
And the reason I wanted
to swim with the sharks
1467
01:09:55,300 --> 01:09:57,300
Is because I love
nature documentaries.
1468
01:09:57,300 --> 01:09:58,300
I adore them, and I--
1469
01:09:58,300 --> 01:10:00,900
It was the way I bonded
with my father when I was a kid.
1470
01:10:00,900 --> 01:10:01,800
We used to watch them.
1471
01:10:01,800 --> 01:10:04,300
We used to watch
these bbc nature documentaries
1472
01:10:04,300 --> 01:10:05,400
On british television.
1473
01:10:05,400 --> 01:10:07,100
They were shown here on pbs.
1474
01:10:07,100 --> 01:10:09,200
Beautiful,
big documentaries
1475
01:10:09,300 --> 01:10:10,800
Narrated by
sir david attenborough,
1476
01:10:10,800 --> 01:10:12,000
Who has that lovely voice.
1477
01:10:12,000 --> 01:10:16,000
He would always say like, "here
in the serengeti, you know,
1478
01:10:16,000 --> 01:10:19,400
"huge wildebeest
moving across over there.
1479
01:10:19,400 --> 01:10:20,900
Oh, so lovely."
1480
01:10:20,900 --> 01:10:22,500
And he would
talk quietly like that
1481
01:10:22,500 --> 01:10:23,800
To make you think
he was there.
1482
01:10:23,800 --> 01:10:24,900
He wasn't there.
1483
01:10:24,900 --> 01:10:26,500
But he wanted you to think
he was there.
1484
01:10:26,500 --> 01:10:27,600
He said,
"I'm talking quietly.
1485
01:10:27,600 --> 01:10:30,000
"there's a fucking lion
right there.
1486
01:10:30,000 --> 01:10:32,400
"so shh,
fucking lion.
1487
01:10:32,400 --> 01:10:36,200
I'm very brave.
Fucking lion right there."
1488
01:10:36,200 --> 01:10:38,200
But of course, he, you know,
he wasn't there.
1489
01:10:38,200 --> 01:10:39,800
He was in a sound studio
in london.
1490
01:10:39,800 --> 01:10:40,800
It was six months later.
1491
01:10:40,800 --> 01:10:42,200
He's looking at the footage.
He's saying it.
1492
01:10:42,200 --> 01:10:45,000
It's, like, the same, you know,
when you hear the sound
1493
01:10:45,000 --> 01:10:46,400
Of the lion
eating the zebra.
1494
01:10:46,400 --> 01:10:47,500
And you hear all that...
1495
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,900
You know, they add that
later on.
1496
01:10:52,900 --> 01:10:55,700
It's a guy in a studio
watching the footage, going...
1497
01:10:59,700 --> 01:11:02,100
There's not a sound guy
in the middle of africa going,
1498
01:11:02,100 --> 01:11:05,300
"quiet, everybody.
Lion eating a zebra."
1499
01:11:08,100 --> 01:11:09,600
They add it later on.
1500
01:11:09,600 --> 01:11:12,000
It's a guy, a specialist.
He's like...
1501
01:11:13,600 --> 01:11:16,900
It's the same guy
that does porn.
1502
01:11:21,400 --> 01:11:22,600
aah!
1503
01:11:28,600 --> 01:11:31,800
Anyway, that's--and when
we watched these documentaries,
1504
01:11:31,800 --> 01:11:33,700
It was when my father
did the one joke of his life.
1505
01:11:33,700 --> 01:11:35,100
He did one joke in his life,
and it was this.
1506
01:11:35,100 --> 01:11:37,000
We were watching a nature
documentary, the whole family.
1507
01:11:37,000 --> 01:11:41,800
It was my mom and my dad and
my brother and my two sisters.
1508
01:11:41,800 --> 01:11:44,100
We were watching this
documentary about chimpanzees.
1509
01:11:44,100 --> 01:11:46,900
And they were all being very
naughty, little hairy bastards,
1510
01:11:46,900 --> 01:11:49,100
Running around throwing poo
on each other.
1511
01:11:49,100 --> 01:11:50,700
And--and my dad said,
1512
01:11:50,700 --> 01:11:53,400
"oh, yes.
There's craig and his friends.
1513
01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:56,700
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
1514
01:11:59,000 --> 01:12:03,300
And I was like, "noooo!"
and he was like, "yes."
1515
01:12:03,300 --> 01:12:05,200
The rest of my family
are like, "yes."
1516
01:12:05,200 --> 01:12:08,700
scorn.
1517
01:12:10,400 --> 01:12:12,000
And because it got a laugh,
1518
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:13,300
He would then say it
every time
1519
01:12:13,300 --> 01:12:15,300
We watched
a nature documentary.
1520
01:12:15,300 --> 01:12:17,000
Like, for years and years
afterwards.
1521
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:18,500
And it didn't make sense,
like, we'd go--
1522
01:12:18,500 --> 01:12:21,500
We'd watch a documentary
about seahorses or something.
1523
01:12:21,500 --> 01:12:23,000
And he'd go, "there's craig
and his friends."
1524
01:12:23,000 --> 01:12:26,400
I'd be like, "dad, I'm 40.
Fucking give it up."
1525
01:12:26,400 --> 01:12:29,000
But he would keep going
until he got a laugh.
1526
01:12:29,000 --> 01:12:31,500
He wouldn't shut up
until he got a laugh.
1527
01:12:31,500 --> 01:12:32,600
Like, he'd keep going.
1528
01:12:32,600 --> 01:12:35,600
It's the same technique
I now use on the studio audience
1529
01:12:35,600 --> 01:12:37,300
In my television show.
1530
01:12:37,300 --> 01:12:38,700
I know that shit
isn't funny,
1531
01:12:38,700 --> 01:12:39,900
But I know
I'm keeping going,
1532
01:12:39,900 --> 01:12:42,300
'cause they know they're not
fucking going anywhere
1533
01:12:42,300 --> 01:12:46,000
Until they laugh.
1534
01:12:48,500 --> 01:12:49,900
You may leave.
1535
01:12:49,900 --> 01:12:51,100
No, you know,
people say to me,
1536
01:12:51,100 --> 01:12:53,900
"craig, why do you call
the studio audience hobos
1537
01:12:53,900 --> 01:12:54,700
At your show?"
1538
01:12:54,700 --> 01:12:56,200
And I'll tell you why,
'cause they are.
1539
01:12:56,200 --> 01:12:57,200
Some of them, anyway.
1540
01:12:57,200 --> 01:12:58,300
I'll tell you
how I found out.
1541
01:12:58,300 --> 01:13:00,100
'cause after the show one day,
I went to the restroom.
1542
01:13:00,100 --> 01:13:01,800
And I use the same restroom
as the audience.
1543
01:13:01,800 --> 01:13:05,300
Show business.
And I went into the restroom.
1544
01:13:05,300 --> 01:13:08,100
And there was a gentleman
who had been in the audience,
1545
01:13:08,100 --> 01:13:11,300
Washing his feet.
1546
01:13:11,300 --> 01:13:14,100
That's a clue.
1547
01:13:14,100 --> 01:13:15,300
He was washing his feet.
1548
01:13:15,300 --> 01:13:16,600
I was like,
"hey, what's up?"
1549
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:18,000
He's like,
"just washing my feet."
1550
01:13:18,000 --> 01:13:19,000
I'm like, "yeah, go ahead."
1551
01:13:19,000 --> 01:13:21,700
And--and he said,
"I love your show, man."
1552
01:13:21,700 --> 01:13:22,700
I said, "thanks very much."
1553
01:13:22,700 --> 01:13:24,200
He said, "to be honest,
I don't care for you.
1554
01:13:24,200 --> 01:13:27,900
The accent, it's irritating."
like, okay.
1555
01:13:27,900 --> 01:13:29,700
He said, "but I just love
coming here.
1556
01:13:29,800 --> 01:13:30,800
"I love coming here to--
1557
01:13:30,800 --> 01:13:33,600
"you know, I can wash my feet,
they give us some snacks,
1558
01:13:33,600 --> 01:13:35,700
And they pay me
10 bucks an hour."
1559
01:13:35,700 --> 01:13:38,900
I'm like, "what?
They pay you 10 bucks an hour?"
1560
01:13:38,900 --> 01:13:41,600
He's like, "oh, yes."
I was like, "fuck, wait there."
1561
01:13:41,600 --> 01:13:43,100
So I go and see the producers
of the show.
1562
01:13:43,100 --> 01:13:46,100
I said, "are we paying hobos
10 bucks an hour
1563
01:13:46,100 --> 01:13:47,600
To pretend to like me?"
1564
01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:49,700
And they said, "oh, yes."
1565
01:13:51,800 --> 01:13:52,800
What the fuck?
1566
01:13:52,800 --> 01:13:54,000
They said,
"everybody does that."
1567
01:13:54,000 --> 01:13:55,400
And apparently, everybody does.
I didn't know.
1568
01:13:55,400 --> 01:13:56,600
They said,
"everybody does it."
1569
01:13:56,600 --> 01:13:58,600
All the daytime shows,
all the late night shows,
1570
01:13:58,600 --> 01:13:59,600
All the award shows.
1571
01:13:59,600 --> 01:14:02,300
Any show with an audience,
the emmys, the oscars,
1572
01:14:02,300 --> 01:14:03,500
The grammys,
fucking anything.
1573
01:14:03,500 --> 01:14:06,500
They have this team of hobos
that go from place to place.
1574
01:14:06,500 --> 01:14:07,900
I don't know how
they get in touch with them.
1575
01:14:07,900 --> 01:14:10,200
It's like a bat signal
or something, and...
1576
01:14:10,200 --> 01:14:11,400
And they're seat fillers,
1577
01:14:11,400 --> 01:14:13,400
Because nobody wants to see
an empty seat on tv.
1578
01:14:13,400 --> 01:14:15,500
So these people, you know,
they wait and if--
1579
01:14:15,500 --> 01:14:17,500
So like, at the oscars,
if tom cruise
1580
01:14:17,500 --> 01:14:19,600
Has to go to the bathroom
during the oscars,
1581
01:14:19,600 --> 01:14:23,100
A hobo will go over
to his seat
1582
01:14:23,100 --> 01:14:24,900
And, you know,
fill the seat.
1583
01:14:24,900 --> 01:14:27,300
And if tom cruise
wins the oscar
1584
01:14:27,300 --> 01:14:28,700
While the hobo's
in the seat,
1585
01:14:28,700 --> 01:14:31,000
The hobo has to go up
and collect.
1586
01:14:33,500 --> 01:14:34,500
That last bit isn't true,
1587
01:14:34,500 --> 01:14:37,400
But that would be
fucking awesome if it was.
1588
01:14:37,400 --> 01:14:42,400
"oh, I'd like to thank
everybody under the bridge."
1589
01:14:44,000 --> 01:14:46,200
It would just be
more entertaining.
1590
01:14:46,200 --> 01:14:49,700
Anyway, yeah, my dad watched
the nature documentaries.
1591
01:14:49,700 --> 01:14:50,600
My mother hated them.
1592
01:14:50,600 --> 01:14:52,100
But my mother
was a very different person.
1593
01:14:52,100 --> 01:14:55,700
She was someone who glamorized
the past, which was weird,
1594
01:14:55,700 --> 01:14:58,500
'cause my mother grew up
in glasgow in the 1940s,
1595
01:14:58,500 --> 01:15:01,400
When it was being
carpet bombed by nazis.
1596
01:15:01,400 --> 01:15:04,400
But she would always say,
"oh, things were better
1597
01:15:04,400 --> 01:15:06,000
During the war."
1598
01:15:06,000 --> 01:15:07,600
I was like,
"how can you say that?
1599
01:15:07,600 --> 01:15:09,200
You were being carpet bombed
by nazis."
1600
01:15:09,200 --> 01:15:10,500
And she was like,
"yes, but you could
1601
01:15:10,500 --> 01:15:14,000
Leave your door open
at night."
1602
01:15:16,500 --> 01:15:17,900
I'm not--I don't want you
to think
1603
01:15:17,900 --> 01:15:19,000
I have hard time
with my parents.
1604
01:15:19,000 --> 01:15:20,900
I love my parents.
They were great people.
1605
01:15:20,900 --> 01:15:22,200
I adored them.
1606
01:15:22,200 --> 01:15:23,300
And my childhood
was idyllic.
1607
01:15:23,300 --> 01:15:25,400
There was never any problem
in my childhood.
1608
01:15:25,400 --> 01:15:30,100
That's why I became
an alcoholic stand-up comedian.
1609
01:15:30,100 --> 01:15:32,300
No, I didn't--
they were good, my parents.
1610
01:15:32,300 --> 01:15:33,200
They were good people.
1611
01:15:33,200 --> 01:15:34,300
You do your best
with your kids.
1612
01:15:34,300 --> 01:15:36,600
The minute you have your own
kids, you forgive your parents.
1613
01:15:36,600 --> 01:15:38,300
You're like, "oh, fuck.
I get it."
1614
01:15:38,300 --> 01:15:40,000
But I try--
1615
01:15:40,000 --> 01:15:41,100
"yeah, okay, I get it.
1616
01:15:41,100 --> 01:15:43,400
Kids are assholes.
I understand."
1617
01:15:43,400 --> 01:15:45,700
But I try, you know,
I try not to do what my parents
1618
01:15:45,700 --> 01:15:46,800
Were a little bit
guilty of.
1619
01:15:46,800 --> 01:15:49,100
They used to always say, "oh,
you kids have got it too easy."
1620
01:15:49,100 --> 01:15:50,700
And I try not to do that
to my own kids.
1621
01:15:50,700 --> 01:15:51,900
But it's fucking hard
not to.
1622
01:15:51,900 --> 01:15:53,400
It's fucking hard not to
when I see them,
1623
01:15:53,400 --> 01:15:54,800
And they're sitting
in the back of the car
1624
01:15:54,800 --> 01:15:58,100
With a five-point seat belt
molded fucking thing in the car
1625
01:15:58,100 --> 01:16:00,400
And the safety helmet
and the--
1626
01:16:00,400 --> 01:16:04,700
Then the intravenous cheerios
into their arms.
1627
01:16:04,700 --> 01:16:08,200
Fucking screen with
around-the-clock teletubbies.
1628
01:16:08,200 --> 01:16:10,300
Fucking...
1629
01:16:10,300 --> 01:16:12,500
I've seen a lot
of fucking teletubbies
1630
01:16:12,500 --> 01:16:14,300
In the past two years.
1631
01:16:14,300 --> 01:16:17,600
That shit's weird.
1632
01:16:17,600 --> 01:16:18,300
Weird.
1633
01:16:18,300 --> 01:16:21,300
Now, remember who's talking
to you here.
1634
01:16:21,300 --> 01:16:23,600
That's fucking weird,
and I know weird.
1635
01:16:23,600 --> 01:16:27,400
I have smoked
nepalese temple ball on a beach
1636
01:16:27,400 --> 01:16:30,600
In sri lanka at sunset
at a hindu funeral.
1637
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:32,600
But when I see
the teletubbies,
1638
01:16:32,600 --> 01:16:36,500
I'm like,
"what the fuck is that?"
1639
01:16:43,100 --> 01:16:45,400
Wait.
What--what is that?
1640
01:16:45,400 --> 01:16:48,900
"uh-oh."
1641
01:16:48,900 --> 01:16:49,600
"uh-oh" what?
1642
01:16:49,700 --> 01:16:51,900
"uh-oh, fall down."
1643
01:16:56,300 --> 01:16:59,100
"uh-oh."
1644
01:17:02,800 --> 01:17:05,700
Remember a few years ago,
there was a big controversy?
1645
01:17:05,700 --> 01:17:08,000
People said, "hey,
one of those teletubbies is gay.
1646
01:17:08,000 --> 01:17:10,300
That tinky-winky.
Tinky-winky is gay."
1647
01:17:10,300 --> 01:17:11,600
Tinky-winky's the one--
the pink one
1648
01:17:11,600 --> 01:17:13,600
With the triangle on his head
that carries a handbag.
1649
01:17:13,600 --> 01:17:16,600
I'm like, "why would you
think he's gay?"
1650
01:17:19,400 --> 01:17:20,900
Tink--I've seen a lot
of teletubbies.
1651
01:17:20,900 --> 01:17:23,000
Let me tell you something,
tinky-winky is not gay.
1652
01:17:23,000 --> 01:17:27,100
Tinky-winky
is a fucking drunk.
1653
01:17:27,100 --> 01:17:30,800
It's like tinky-winky's like,
"uh-oh.
1654
01:17:30,800 --> 01:17:35,200
Tinky-winky fall down."
1655
01:17:37,300 --> 01:17:41,200
"tinky-winky
want a little drinky."
1656
01:17:44,900 --> 01:17:46,100
Tinky-winky's not gay.
1657
01:17:46,100 --> 01:17:50,100
Po, the one with the cock
on his head, he's gay.
1658
01:17:53,800 --> 01:17:54,900
Anyway, what I'm saying is,
1659
01:17:54,900 --> 01:17:56,300
I try not to give my kids
a hard time.
1660
01:17:56,300 --> 01:17:58,100
But it's hard. You know,
you see them in there
1661
01:17:58,100 --> 01:17:59,200
With their fucking
child seats.
1662
01:17:59,200 --> 01:18:01,000
There were no child seats
in my dad's car.
1663
01:18:01,000 --> 01:18:03,900
There were no fucking seats
in my dad's car.
1664
01:18:03,900 --> 01:18:06,500
It wasn't technically a car.
1665
01:18:06,500 --> 01:18:08,000
My dad was a mail carrier.
1666
01:18:08,000 --> 01:18:10,000
We just had
a little post office van.
1667
01:18:10,000 --> 01:18:12,000
When we went around
a tight corner, he'd be like,
1668
01:18:12,000 --> 01:18:15,100
"aim for a soft parcel."
1669
01:18:18,500 --> 01:18:20,200
Ooh, shit!
I was going to tell you
1670
01:18:20,200 --> 01:18:21,800
That joke
drew carey told me.
1671
01:18:21,800 --> 01:18:23,600
I forgot.
1672
01:18:28,300 --> 01:18:29,900
No, I want to tell you
this joke.
1673
01:18:29,900 --> 01:18:31,400
It's important, because
I love this joke.
1674
01:18:31,400 --> 01:18:33,100
This is a great joke.
It's a really good joke,
1675
01:18:33,100 --> 01:18:35,100
Because it involves
a traveling salesman.
1676
01:18:35,100 --> 01:18:39,900
And I like that because
too many jokes today don't.
1677
01:18:39,900 --> 01:18:42,000
Traveling salesmen
are going away.
1678
01:18:42,000 --> 01:18:42,900
They're going away.
1679
01:18:42,900 --> 01:18:45,700
They're being replaced by guys
calling you up from india,
1680
01:18:45,700 --> 01:18:48,600
Pretending
they're not in india.
1681
01:18:48,600 --> 01:18:51,800
"hello, this is scooter."
1682
01:18:55,000 --> 01:18:59,300
"how about that...
Local team?"
1683
01:19:02,400 --> 01:19:05,800
"are you happy with
your long-distance provider?"
1684
01:19:05,800 --> 01:19:08,600
Well, they can fucking reach me
from india, scooter.
1685
01:19:08,600 --> 01:19:10,600
So, yeah, I'm all right.
1686
01:19:13,000 --> 01:19:16,400
Anyway, this is a joke...
1687
01:19:19,900 --> 01:19:22,300
This is a joke that involves
a traveling salesman.
1688
01:19:22,300 --> 01:19:23,200
And I like this joke.
1689
01:19:23,200 --> 01:19:25,300
A traveling salesman
walks up to a house,
1690
01:19:25,300 --> 01:19:26,300
And he knocks on the door.
1691
01:19:26,300 --> 01:19:28,000
And the door is answered
by a ten-year-old boy
1692
01:19:28,000 --> 01:19:29,900
Who's wearing a bra and panties
and high-heeled shoes.
1693
01:19:29,900 --> 01:19:31,500
He's smoking a cigar
and drinking a scotch.
1694
01:19:31,500 --> 01:19:34,100
And the salesman goes, "whoa,
son, are your parents home?"
1695
01:19:34,100 --> 01:19:37,200
And the kid says,
"what the fuck do you think?"
1696
01:19:39,900 --> 01:19:42,300
And that's my joke.
1697
01:20:53,200 --> 01:20:56,800
- Oh, my god, it's gonna
go all the way! Ohh!
1698
01:20:57,305 --> 01:21:03,780
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1699
01:21:03,830 --> 01:21:08,380
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