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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,166
We have to transform
those sex bots.
2
00:00:02,250 --> 00:00:03,750
They have
to be absolutely convincing.
3
00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:06,083
What if we connect
a real Comms Link
4
00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:07,125
to their prop headsets.
5
00:00:07,417 --> 00:00:09,750
That is exactly the sort
of idea I should have had,
6
00:00:09,834 --> 00:00:11,125
if I weren't a complete fraud.
7
00:00:11,208 --> 00:00:12,208
♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
8
00:00:12,291 --> 00:00:13,709
Here's an idea
to get people to like you,
9
00:00:13,792 --> 00:00:16,291
cocktail party.
You can meet 19 people a week.
10
00:00:16,375 --> 00:00:17,458
Don't people come in couples?
11
00:00:17,542 --> 00:00:20,208
No, widows, widowers, priests,
ugly people.
12
00:00:20,291 --> 00:00:22,250
-You're not a couple.
-Neither was Zeus.
13
00:00:22,458 --> 00:00:23,458
I'm basically Zeus.
14
00:00:23,667 --> 00:00:26,041
KAREN KELLY: I would suggest
everyone laughing,
15
00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:28,083
hitting it off,
maybe on the bridge.
16
00:00:28,166 --> 00:00:30,166
This is perfect.
Get some Mr. Average
17
00:00:30,250 --> 00:00:31,750
to push that fake button
we have for the kids.
18
00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:33,625
Can I join the party? Go!
19
00:00:33,792 --> 00:00:35,875
-(CROWD GASPS)
-(BELLOWING)
20
00:00:35,959 --> 00:00:37,458
There's a rupture
in the turd shield.
21
00:00:37,542 --> 00:00:39,291
A real captain would be
out there.
22
00:00:39,458 --> 00:00:42,959
-You ready to do this?
-With every fiber of my being...
23
00:00:43,250 --> 00:00:44,125
No.
24
00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:52,792
One, two. One, two.
(CLEARS THROAT)
25
00:00:52,875 --> 00:00:53,834
Hello, I'm Jordan.
26
00:00:53,917 --> 00:00:55,375
Best stand-up comic
this side of Mars.
27
00:00:55,458 --> 00:00:57,083
Also, the only stand-up comic
this side of Mars,
28
00:00:57,166 --> 00:00:59,583
but don't tell my mum that,
she's super impressed.
29
00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:01,458
(MUTTERING)
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh...
30
00:01:01,542 --> 00:01:03,792
-Two, two. Is this thing on?
-Yeah, it's on.
31
00:01:03,875 --> 00:01:05,834
No-- I know. It's a bit.
32
00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:08,208
The "is this on" thing,
33
00:01:08,291 --> 00:01:11,000
to imply that the audience
weren't laughing.
34
00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:14,041
Best thing about doing
stand-up in space?
35
00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:15,333
Literally no pressure.
36
00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:18,750
-Is this thing on?
-Yup.
37
00:01:18,834 --> 00:01:20,458
No, I know it's...
38
00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,250
And then I'll plug the beer.
39
00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:27,917
And... when I first
took this gig on,
40
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,458
they told me that I needed
41
00:01:29,542 --> 00:01:31,417
enough material to cover
the first half of the journey,
42
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:34,792
so I guess now I need a tight
one year and three quarters.
43
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:36,291
Is that funny?
44
00:01:36,375 --> 00:01:38,458
-Or is that too much maths?
-"Math."
45
00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,458
-(LOUD BANG)
-(METAL CREAKING)
46
00:01:40,542 --> 00:01:41,792
MAN 1: I can't look!
47
00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:43,125
WOMAN 1: God!
That's not good.
48
00:01:43,208 --> 00:01:46,208
-MAN 2: It's shit.
-It's all shit!
49
00:01:46,291 --> 00:01:49,959
Hey, maybe they heard your set.
(LAUGHS)
50
00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:51,917
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
51
00:02:07,208 --> 00:02:09,750
Captain, you ready to do this?
52
00:02:11,375 --> 00:02:13,291
(ENGLISH ACCENT) I'd always
hoped that my last words
53
00:02:13,375 --> 00:02:14,834
might be better than...
54
00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:16,875
"Fuck me, no."
55
00:02:16,959 --> 00:02:18,625
I don't know how
to attach the tether.
56
00:02:18,709 --> 00:02:22,834
There should be an instruction
panel right in front of you.
57
00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:24,667
-(AMERICAN ACCENT)
To attach your safety tether...
58
00:02:24,750 --> 00:02:27,875
-Oh, f...
-...simply grasp the narrow end
of the clamp
59
00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:29,583
to release the G Catch.
60
00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:31,709
There.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
61
00:02:31,792 --> 00:02:33,583
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Well, you fucking try it.
62
00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:38,917
BILLIE MCEVOY:
Okay, it's a spacewalk, so...
63
00:02:39,542 --> 00:02:40,583
walk.
64
00:02:44,542 --> 00:02:48,375
So, Captain,
what exactly are you looking at?
65
00:02:48,458 --> 00:02:51,208
-The inside of my eyelids.
-Ha.
66
00:02:51,291 --> 00:02:54,083
Ah.
There appears to be no floor.
67
00:02:57,583 --> 00:03:01,333
Yes, Captain. You--
You really make this look easy.
68
00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:03,667
RAV MULCAIR: Why is he flailing
around like that? What--
69
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,917
-No. Look. He's upright now.
-Yes.
70
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,792
-Uh, no, just gone back.
-(SIGHS)
71
00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:10,041
Where are you going?
72
00:03:10,125 --> 00:03:12,208
I'm gonna do 600 pushups
and then throw up in the sink.
73
00:03:12,291 --> 00:03:15,208
Can you get visuals
on the wet suit compromise?
74
00:03:15,291 --> 00:03:18,625
"Have visuals"?
What's wrong with "see"?
75
00:03:18,709 --> 00:03:20,709
-Or "come back in".
-Engineering?
76
00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,542
-Present.
-Yeah, not you.
77
00:03:22,625 --> 00:03:24,959
Looking at wet suit
protocol three now.
78
00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:26,792
Captain Courageous
needs to locate
79
00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:30,000
the lateral access valve
where it intersects with the...
80
00:03:30,083 --> 00:03:32,208
Intersects with the binary caps
81
00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:34,208
from the lower deck.
Did you get that?
82
00:03:34,291 --> 00:03:36,959
All I got from that was,
"You're gonna die out here."
83
00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:39,792
BILLIE: Find a big metal wheel
and turn it off.
84
00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:41,417
Estimate of her velocity,
Captain?
85
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:44,125
-RYAN CLARK:
I might actually sneeze.
-He can't hear you because...
86
00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:46,166
-well, you know, he's outside--
-RYAN: What happens then?
87
00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:48,417
-Billie, what's the sneezing
protocol in space?
-Good point.
88
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,208
Get me in his ear.
I'll walk him home.
89
00:03:50,291 --> 00:03:51,917
RYAN: Is there one?
90
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,125
Could you look that up?
91
00:03:53,208 --> 00:03:55,083
-Hola.
-Gracias.
92
00:03:55,166 --> 00:03:58,083
Yeah, in other devastating news,
93
00:03:58,166 --> 00:04:00,583
Spike is about to join
the auto comms.
94
00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:02,709
(SCOFFS) The icing on the shit.
95
00:04:02,792 --> 00:04:04,417
SPIKE MARTIN:
I got you now, buddy.
96
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:08,083
-Whoa! She's a gusher.
-Please don't call it "she."
97
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:11,834
Why? That thing's powerful.
And I respect it.
98
00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:14,041
BILLIE: (SCOFFS)
I'm gonna go check on a valve.
99
00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:15,208
Billie?
100
00:04:15,291 --> 00:04:17,250
Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man,
you're up.
101
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:18,667
-Yeah, sure.
-RYAN: Billie?
102
00:04:18,750 --> 00:04:22,000
So, we're just splitting
forward, uh, protocol three.
103
00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,500
It's just a... thing we do.
104
00:04:24,583 --> 00:04:26,166
-MAN: We love you, Spike!
-SPIKE: Okay, Captain,
105
00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:28,208
I'm splitting forward
protocol three.
106
00:04:28,291 --> 00:04:31,417
It's just-- It's a thing we do.
Don't worry.
107
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,125
WOMAN: Make way
for the shit shooter.
108
00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:37,375
-Oh God, was that me?
-It's a little bit of all of us.
109
00:04:37,458 --> 00:04:40,125
Hey! I got a button
on the end of my fist,
110
00:04:40,208 --> 00:04:42,875
do you wanna press it
with your face? Button dick!
111
00:04:42,959 --> 00:04:44,625
(WHISPERING)
I think she's talking to me.
112
00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:47,625
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
113
00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:50,750
RYAN: Yeah, so,
nobody thought to put this
wheel on the inside.
114
00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:52,875
Would that have been
easier at all?
115
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,250
(METAL BANGING)
116
00:04:56,750 --> 00:04:58,750
-Oh! Bugger me.
-Oh no!
117
00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:01,375
Oh, I can taste
last year's breakfast.
118
00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:04,542
Some guys would pay good money
to have that done to them.
119
00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:07,208
And girls. Uh, women.
120
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,792
Not me, though. Mm-mm.
121
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,625
BILLIE: Other way, other way.
122
00:05:13,750 --> 00:05:14,750
(GASPS)
123
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:17,917
Don't worry, Captain.
You got this.
124
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,417
(WHISPERS) I've got this.
Turn it this way.
125
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,458
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Of course I've got it!
126
00:05:23,542 --> 00:05:25,291
I was born getting it.
127
00:05:25,375 --> 00:05:27,750
(WHISPERS IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
I haven't got it. Help me more.
128
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,041
That's it.
129
00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:34,959
♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
130
00:05:35,041 --> 00:05:37,625
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
131
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,083
-Oh!
-Ugh. (SPITS)
132
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:44,709
(LAUGHING) Yes!
133
00:05:45,583 --> 00:05:48,500
-Yeah! (LAUGHS)
-Whoo!
134
00:05:48,583 --> 00:05:50,417
Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!
135
00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:52,291
You're going to the White House?
136
00:05:52,375 --> 00:05:54,291
Oh, yes. Time to do
some corporate begging.
137
00:05:54,375 --> 00:05:55,458
-(GASPS)
-Yes!
138
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:02,417
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
139
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:03,709
(BILLIE LAUGHS)
140
00:06:03,792 --> 00:06:07,875
HERMAN JUDD: There he is!
There he is. I believed in you!
141
00:06:07,959 --> 00:06:11,000
Unlike Iris. She already
rented out your cabin.
142
00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:12,583
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
That was nothing!
143
00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,125
But then, what isn't?
144
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,875
He's so modest,
he could almost be British.
145
00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,333
Why the fuck did I say that?
146
00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:20,500
(SIGHS) I think that stuff
is neurodevelopmental.
147
00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:22,291
I was very, very proud of how
148
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:24,667
Captain Ryan followed
my direction out there.
149
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,792
You were out of depth
on the bridge.
150
00:06:26,875 --> 00:06:29,875
Yes, you're much better suited
in a secondary position.
151
00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,458
-BILLIE: Right, well--
-(JUDD YELLS)
152
00:06:31,542 --> 00:06:33,125
-(COUGHING, GAGGING)
-(JUDD YELLING)
153
00:06:33,208 --> 00:06:34,583
Fucking balls.
154
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,834
Burn those suits,
they smell like hell!
155
00:06:36,917 --> 00:06:39,500
-I can actually hear that smell.
-(GAGGING)
156
00:06:39,583 --> 00:06:40,917
MATT SPENCER:
Hey, beautiful.
157
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,250
Tonight at midnight, we reach
our furthest point from Earth
158
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,625
and turn around to head back.
159
00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:47,291
I know. Time flies.
I don't wanna go home, either.
160
00:06:47,375 --> 00:06:49,959
But I'll see you later
at the Halfway Home party.
161
00:06:50,041 --> 00:06:52,208
MAN: Hey, is-- is that true?
162
00:06:52,291 --> 00:06:54,250
Well, it was true
when I said it.
163
00:06:54,333 --> 00:06:55,709
Like a marriage vow.
164
00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:57,542
And you just kept this up?
165
00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,083
Sure. I mean,
we could still have a...
166
00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:02,000
"One Forty-Sixth
of the Way Home" Party.
167
00:07:02,083 --> 00:07:03,834
-SPIKE: Yeah, that could work.
-Spike gets it.
168
00:07:03,917 --> 00:07:06,250
We brought 200,000
dollars' worth of streamers.
169
00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:08,333
The only other use would be
for your funeral.
170
00:07:10,458 --> 00:07:12,291
WOMAN 1:
Hey. It's the shit whisperer.
171
00:07:12,375 --> 00:07:14,166
MAN 1:
Hey, Benjamin Button!
172
00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:15,875
WOMAN 2: Shit stack walking.
173
00:07:15,959 --> 00:07:16,917
MAN 2: Frankenfuck.
174
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,500
MAN 3: Mr. Crappatoa.
175
00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:22,959
Wow! Couldn't you just stay
in this cabin all day?
176
00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:24,625
I mean, I know I could.
177
00:07:24,709 --> 00:07:26,709
And I think you should.
178
00:07:28,417 --> 00:07:29,291
Why?
179
00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:31,792
There's just so much
to explore, baby.
180
00:07:31,875 --> 00:07:34,959
We have booze. Right?
Who doesn't love booze?
181
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:37,166
And--
And four books--
182
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:40,041
five books here!
I mean that's just-- right?
183
00:07:40,125 --> 00:07:41,375
All I did was...
184
00:07:42,041 --> 00:07:43,333
And then they...
185
00:07:44,208 --> 00:07:45,250
And the--
186
00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:49,000
Don't ever sit.
187
00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:53,166
Inflate one thousand balloons.
188
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,333
I need to vet your materials
for this show this evening.
189
00:08:00,417 --> 00:08:02,667
Oh, wow. So it's true.
The show really does go on.
190
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,041
It's in your contract.
You'd be doing a show tonight
191
00:08:05,125 --> 00:08:06,500
even if this was
a burned-out hulk
192
00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:08,959
full of space junk
and dead animals.
193
00:08:09,041 --> 00:08:10,083
So...
194
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,291
Jokes.
195
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:14,500
Do some.
196
00:08:14,583 --> 00:08:16,667
-Okay, what makes you laugh?
-Comedy.
197
00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:19,917
-Obviously.
-And sometimes tragedy.
198
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,041
Light tragedy.
Erectile dysfunction,
199
00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:25,291
non-fatal hunting accidents,
200
00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:26,625
waving at someone
you think you know
201
00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:29,500
but it turns out to be
a stranger, that sort of thing.
202
00:08:29,583 --> 00:08:31,000
Now, make it topical.
203
00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:33,125
Mention "it,"
but don't mention it.
204
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,083
"It"? That's horrible.
205
00:08:36,458 --> 00:08:37,875
Go.
206
00:08:37,959 --> 00:08:40,417
-Okay, I could start with--
-It's not called "sit-down."
207
00:08:49,583 --> 00:08:50,625
I can start with...
208
00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:52,375
"This is some hot shit."
209
00:08:52,458 --> 00:08:54,750
You know it's actually
extremely cold in space?
210
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:56,166
Are you gonna do this
the whole way through?
211
00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:59,125
Yes. And I'd say you're
a heckler's wet dream right now.
212
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,250
(ENGLISH ACCENT) You see
what I did? Did you see--
213
00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:06,709
I put a fucking goldfish bowl
on my head,
214
00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:08,917
went out there,
and fixed a spaceship.
215
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,208
I know.
216
00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,959
I need you to make it clear
that it wasn't Frank's fault.
217
00:09:13,041 --> 00:09:15,000
-Who's Frank?
-My husband.
218
00:09:15,083 --> 00:09:17,250
Oh! Do you mind
if we don't talk about him?
219
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:20,917
He's-- He's only there to stop
his skeleton from falling over.
220
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,583
Christ,
I'm coming off my fucking nut.
221
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:24,709
I feel like I could
kill and eat a man.
222
00:09:24,792 --> 00:09:28,583
Oh, God! Just fuck me and
don't even give me your name.
223
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:29,917
Okay! So...
224
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,417
somebody needs
some soap for their mouth
225
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,041
and a hot toddy
for their mood. Sit.
226
00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:38,583
-(RYAN SIGHS)
-Chill.
227
00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:41,834
I just did something,
and I don't know what it was.
228
00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:43,709
I don't know what I'm doing.
229
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,250
I don't know how anybody knows
what they're doing.
230
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:47,458
Does anybody know
what they're doing?
231
00:09:47,542 --> 00:09:49,375
How does anything work?
Does anybody know?
232
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,333
How-- I mean who knows
how that door works?
233
00:09:51,417 --> 00:09:52,417
KAREN KELLY: It doesn't work.
234
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,542
Well, I didn't even know
how it doesn't work.
235
00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:55,834
And look at this.
236
00:09:57,166 --> 00:09:58,500
I mean, how am I doing that?
237
00:09:58,583 --> 00:10:02,250
I do not know how the fuck
I'm doing that.
238
00:10:03,166 --> 00:10:04,792
-Drink this.
-Now you--
239
00:10:04,875 --> 00:10:06,000
See, orifices!
240
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,917
They're all over us! Well,
that can't be safe, can it?
241
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,083
You know what's ironic?
242
00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:12,000
I just left a man
who can't finish his sentence,
243
00:10:12,083 --> 00:10:14,709
and here you are, and you
just can't shut the F up.
244
00:10:14,792 --> 00:10:16,500
(PHONE RINGS)
245
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,125
-Hi.
-Hi!
246
00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:19,542
I feel a bit trapped.
247
00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,709
Well honey, we're all trapped.
248
00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:26,875
The sky is full of S-H-I-T.
249
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,542
Oh, no.
There it floats.
250
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:31,750
Oh, bollocks.
251
00:10:33,542 --> 00:10:36,625
Oh, can everything
just fuck off?
252
00:10:36,709 --> 00:10:38,959
Wait, is that--
Was that Captain Ryan?
253
00:10:39,041 --> 00:10:43,166
(STAMMERS)
Ah-- Oh! Uh... It-- It was not.
254
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:47,500
In fact, I will be back soon,
tootsie roll, okay?
255
00:10:47,583 --> 00:10:49,041
(PHONE HANGS UP)
256
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,291
♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
257
00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:54,834
MATT: I'll see you all tonight.
258
00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:56,750
Bring your children.
259
00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:59,000
Unless they have
behavioral disorders.
260
00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:01,041
And bring them, too.
It's a party!
261
00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:02,583
♪ (PLAYS TWO NOTES) ♪
262
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,208
Hey, I don't wanna get you
overexcited,
263
00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:12,166
but this party is going to be
an orgy of the gods--
264
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:13,291
I don't get overexcited.
265
00:11:13,375 --> 00:11:15,250
I'm always the same
fucking level of excited.
266
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,208
-Right, Iris?
-Yes.
267
00:11:17,291 --> 00:11:19,250
I'll have another shot
of water, please.
268
00:11:19,333 --> 00:11:22,583
All right! Let's go yell
in some people's faces!
269
00:11:23,834 --> 00:11:25,959
(YELLS)
270
00:11:26,041 --> 00:11:28,709
IRIS KIMURA: I'm so sorry.
Please enjoy this Judd voucher
271
00:11:28,792 --> 00:11:30,166
-JUDD: Hey!
-I apologize. These are...
272
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:32,500
-JUDD: You don't need this!
-...valid anywhere on the ship.
273
00:11:32,583 --> 00:11:34,834
Take the French fries.
Leave the beer.
274
00:11:34,917 --> 00:11:37,208
I'm so sorry. These are valid
everywhere on the ship
275
00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:38,500
-except the golf course.
-All right...
276
00:11:38,583 --> 00:11:39,959
Oh, really?
Can I get one of those?
277
00:11:40,041 --> 00:11:40,875
Oh!
278
00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:41,875
-Hey.
-Hey, Billie.
279
00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:43,250
-You look nice.
-So do you.
280
00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:46,125
I decided to go for
"I just saved the ship" casual.
281
00:11:46,208 --> 00:11:47,542
(LAUGHS)
"We" just saved the ship.
282
00:11:47,625 --> 00:11:48,750
-What did I say?
-Yeah.
283
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,208
-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
-(AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, hey!
284
00:11:51,291 --> 00:11:53,333
-Come on. Stop that.
-Stop.
285
00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:55,458
-Stop it.
-Thank you.
286
00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:58,208
-We were just doing our job.
-I was just doing my job.
287
00:11:58,291 --> 00:12:00,083
We just did what we had to do.
288
00:12:00,166 --> 00:12:01,542
-I did what I had to do.
-Thank you.
289
00:12:01,625 --> 00:12:04,041
Yes. Yes. (LAUGHS)
Did you see me out there?
290
00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:06,500
Do you understand,
I've not slept a wink
since you freaked me out.
291
00:12:06,583 --> 00:12:08,500
I'm writing my jokes
on tissue paper.
292
00:12:08,583 --> 00:12:09,834
Who does that these days?
293
00:12:09,917 --> 00:12:11,959
We can delay the start
by five minutes.
294
00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:15,667
Are you sure
it's safe for me here?
295
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:18,250
-I'm getting sneering looks.
-Oh, honey, relax.
296
00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:20,750
Everybody's here
to celebrate Captain Ryan.
297
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:24,166
Oh my god, he looks amazing
in that turtleneck.
298
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:25,583
Listen, with him wearing that,
299
00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:27,875
I guarantee nobody
is thinking about you.
300
00:12:27,959 --> 00:12:30,125
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
We make a really great team.
301
00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:32,917
You saving the ship,
and me thanking you for that.
302
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,417
(LAUGHS) Yeah. I mean, you know,
they were probably
303
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,583
livestreaming the whole thing
all over the world.
304
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:39,750
So right now,
I'm probably more famous
305
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,875
than that guy who shat his pants
at the Superbowl.
306
00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:43,625
-Daniel Radcliffe?
-Yeah.
307
00:12:43,709 --> 00:12:44,959
Those two are an item.
308
00:12:45,709 --> 00:12:47,208
-Those two? No.
-Yeah.
309
00:12:47,291 --> 00:12:49,375
-Yeah.
-No. Nuh-uh. No.
310
00:12:49,458 --> 00:12:50,583
She's not his type.
311
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:52,750
I mean, I think he would...
312
00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:55,333
I think he would probably want
an older woman,
313
00:12:55,417 --> 00:12:58,875
you know, a woman
who's more, like, mature.
314
00:12:58,959 --> 00:13:00,458
The way I see it, like...
(STAMMERS)
315
00:13:00,542 --> 00:13:01,792
twenty-five hundred women
on board?
316
00:13:01,875 --> 00:13:03,291
At least seven hundred of them,
317
00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:06,041
I would totally want
a consensual meeting with.
318
00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:07,417
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.
319
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,583
I am gonna get me
some informed consent tonight.
320
00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,625
Just some sweet, sweet
informed consent
321
00:13:11,709 --> 00:13:13,125
from a strong
autonomous woman--
322
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:16,250
Hey guys, did you hear that?
I-- I think that was the sound
323
00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,500
of seven hundred vaginas
snapping shut.
324
00:13:18,583 --> 00:13:19,875
-It's not.
-(MIA EXHALES)
325
00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:23,875
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am horny as hell,
326
00:13:23,959 --> 00:13:27,083
so I am gonna go out
and get my body slammed.
327
00:13:27,166 --> 00:13:28,458
And it's okay that she said--
328
00:13:28,542 --> 00:13:30,208
-We're-- We're separated.
-Oh.
329
00:13:30,291 --> 00:13:32,125
They just haven't found me
my own cabin yet.
330
00:13:32,208 --> 00:13:33,291
Oh, we, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
331
00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:34,333
-We should...
-Yeah, we should.
332
00:13:34,417 --> 00:13:36,458
I'll freshen up
and see you down there.
333
00:13:36,542 --> 00:13:38,333
That means he has to
have a little cry.
334
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:39,333
I really don't.
335
00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:41,750
-Shots?
-You know, I usually don't drink
336
00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:43,917
because it makes me blunt
and opinionated.
337
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,166
As opposed to?
338
00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:46,458
Hey, everyone.
339
00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,125
Welcome
to the Halfway Home party.
340
00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:49,709
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
341
00:13:49,792 --> 00:13:52,000
Now, in a second,
I'm gonna bring out
342
00:13:52,083 --> 00:13:54,583
our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.
343
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,333
He is... (CHUCKLES)
...extremely nervous.
344
00:13:57,417 --> 00:13:59,583
Okay? But I know you guys
are gonna love him.
345
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:00,667
Right?
346
00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:02,166
-WOMAN: (FLATLY) Yeah.
-MAN: Hey.
347
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:03,917
-(WEAK APPLAUSE)
-Okay. Okay.
348
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,750
I think that's probably gonna
make him more nervous
349
00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:07,166
'cause it was
pretty underwhelming.
350
00:14:07,250 --> 00:14:08,917
Let's try it again, right?
351
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,792
Are you excited
for Jordan Hatwal?
352
00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:12,917
(CHEERING)
353
00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:14,709
Okay, okay.
354
00:14:14,792 --> 00:14:17,166
(LAUGHS) Okay. I don't think
he can live up to that.
355
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:18,417
You know, if he was that good,
356
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,667
he'd probably be doing
arena shows on Earth.
357
00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:22,917
Um... But...
358
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,709
Now that I've lowered
your expectations again,
359
00:14:25,792 --> 00:14:28,250
I think you might be
pleasantly surprised
360
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:32,500
by the competent, workmanlike
comedy of Jordan Hatwal.
361
00:14:32,583 --> 00:14:35,083
But before he comes out
to win you over
362
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,000
or die horribly,
363
00:14:37,083 --> 00:14:39,834
I want to give
a big round of applause
364
00:14:39,917 --> 00:14:42,542
to our heroes,
Captain Ryan Clark...
365
00:14:42,625 --> 00:14:44,917
-♪ (FANFARE PLAYS) ♪
-(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
366
00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:48,083
(WHOOPS)
367
00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:52,917
-...and...
-Billie McEvoy!
368
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,041
...former astronaut
Spike Martin.
369
00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:57,375
What?
370
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:02,917
Okay.
Jordan, are you ready to go?
371
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:03,792
Yep.
372
00:15:03,875 --> 00:15:05,875
Listen to him,
he's nervous, right?
373
00:15:05,959 --> 00:15:07,500
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!
-Yeah! Okay!
374
00:15:07,583 --> 00:15:09,083
Please put your hands together
375
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:13,333
or silently reserve judgement
for Jordan Hatwal.
376
00:15:13,417 --> 00:15:16,500
(WHOOPS AND CHEERS)
377
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,125
JORDAN HATWAL: All right.
Hey, how you doin'?
378
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,041
Uh...
379
00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:22,792
I've been asleep for the last
120 hours, what did I miss?
380
00:15:22,875 --> 00:15:24,375
We're stuck up here
for three years.
381
00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:26,917
Okay, guys.
That was his first joke,
382
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,417
so you can laugh,
it's okay to laugh.
383
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:29,458
Matt, don't--
Don't do that.
384
00:15:29,542 --> 00:15:30,834
I'm just--
I'm just trying to help.
385
00:15:30,917 --> 00:15:33,458
(LAUGHS) Yeah, it's--
it's hard doing, uh,
386
00:15:33,542 --> 00:15:35,834
a Halfway Home gig when,
I mean, we're not even halfway--
387
00:15:35,917 --> 00:15:38,291
-Ah! I vetoed that angle.
-Uh... okay.
388
00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:41,458
Guys, pretend that
we're 21 months into the voyage.
389
00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,250
Right?
Is-- is that helpful?
390
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,375
-JORDAN: No.
-Yes.
391
00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:46,041
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Doesn't--
It's not helpful.
392
00:15:46,125 --> 00:15:48,625
Do you want-- Do you wanna
come up here and do the set?
393
00:15:48,709 --> 00:15:49,875
Sure, yeah.
394
00:15:49,959 --> 00:15:51,792
I wasn't actually asking.
(LAUGHS)
395
00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:53,333
Oh, you were joking?
396
00:15:53,417 --> 00:15:55,166
Yep, that was a joke.
397
00:15:55,250 --> 00:15:56,625
That's what I'm here to do.
398
00:15:56,709 --> 00:15:58,792
It's like the joke police
over here.
399
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,625
Anyway, shoehorns...
400
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:04,041
-pretty weird, aren't they?
-(LAUGHS) Yes!
401
00:16:04,917 --> 00:16:05,792
(NADIA GIGGLING)
402
00:16:05,875 --> 00:16:07,000
MAN: Thank you for your service!
403
00:16:07,083 --> 00:16:09,125
You're real-life heroes!
404
00:16:09,208 --> 00:16:11,583
-NADIA: People loved us.
-No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.
405
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:14,375
I don't get it. I just don't--
I don't get this, this--
406
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:16,458
I arm-wrestled with space
407
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:19,709
-and I won, so that was me.
-Speaking of arms,
408
00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:21,667
-yours are so firm.
-Oh?
409
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:24,667
How do you find gym time
in between saving lives?
410
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,166
(BOTH LAUGH)
411
00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:29,333
(STUTTERS) Well, f-- f-- firm
is my middle name.
412
00:16:29,417 --> 00:16:31,000
What's your first name?
413
00:16:31,083 --> 00:16:33,083
-Colin.
-Colin Firm.
414
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:35,291
Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
415
00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:37,625
Oh, is that Italian?
416
00:16:37,709 --> 00:16:38,709
-No, it's actu--
-Who cares?
417
00:16:38,792 --> 00:16:39,834
-Okay.
-Okay.
418
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:42,750
Oh! Guess who else
will be on the prowl tonight?
419
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:45,959
Captain Ryan Clark,
ladies and gentlemen.
420
00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:50,625
He's as horny and as hairy
as a tomcat, and I should know,
421
00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:54,375
because back in the day,
he put a baby up me.
422
00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:55,750
-Wow!
-Wow.
423
00:16:55,834 --> 00:16:59,250
Was your oxygen restricted in
your early developmental years?
424
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:02,250
Oh, you can't wash
the shame away, Frank.
425
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,583
Next time leave it
to the professionals,
426
00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:05,875
you silly man.
427
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:08,250
Why can't the Captain
be a womanizer?
428
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:09,917
Or a man-anizer?
429
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,166
He can do what he wants.
430
00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:12,375
I actually don't care
at this point.
431
00:17:12,458 --> 00:17:15,375
-Captain Clark is a sex man?
-SARAH: He's a dog.
432
00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:17,542
Hey, fuck it.
Shall we start a conga?
433
00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:18,875
-(ALL CHEERING)
-Let's do a conga.
434
00:17:18,959 --> 00:17:20,333
-Whoo!
-Frank, come on.
435
00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:22,792
-NADIA: Allez.
-SARAH: Hey, hey, hey.
436
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,834
(SINGING)
♪ He cannot press a button ♪
437
00:17:24,917 --> 00:17:26,792
-Whoo!
-♪ Doo doo doo ♪
438
00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:30,000
♪ (SINGING CONTINUES) ♪
439
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,417
MIA: Come on,
let's get outta here. Okay!
440
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:33,458
-SARAH:
♪ He always fucks it up ♪
-NADIA: Fucks it up!
441
00:17:33,542 --> 00:17:35,291
-(MIA GIGGLING) I'm sorry.
-JORDAN: Oh, check it out.
442
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,041
-(MIA GIGGLING)
-(JORDAN CHUCKLES)
443
00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:39,750
Uh, first person that's laughed
in quite some time.
444
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,166
Hey, you wanna
come back to my place?
445
00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:42,917
Sure, yeah, I'll take it
where I can get it.
446
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,667
-A hole's a hole.
-Oh... No, thank you.
447
00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:47,041
I-- I have
a flight simulation game
448
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:48,834
I would love to play with you.
Be an honor, sir.
449
00:17:48,917 --> 00:17:51,250
Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down
the sexual hatches.
450
00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:52,834
Let's fly some ships.
451
00:17:52,917 --> 00:17:56,208
Uh... So, um...
Do you remember the, uh,
452
00:17:56,291 --> 00:17:58,917
the phones that you had to
plug in to charge?
453
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,000
Yes, I do.
454
00:18:00,792 --> 00:18:03,208
Yeah, well, they...
455
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,667
They were, um...
456
00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:10,083
Uh... no.
No, that one's gone.
457
00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:11,291
Just give it a second.
458
00:18:11,375 --> 00:18:13,000
'Cause this could be good
when you think of it.
459
00:18:13,083 --> 00:18:15,417
-IRIS: They had a cord.
-They had a cord, yeah.
460
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,834
I don't think that was
the punchline, though. Um...
461
00:18:18,458 --> 00:18:19,750
Promote the beer.
462
00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,250
(PHONE RINGS)
463
00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:25,583
-RYAN: Hey!
-You can probably tell from
our expressions that, uh...
464
00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:28,291
-we need to talk face-to-face.
-Oh, no, no, no. You're talking.
You should-- no.
465
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,291
'Cause I called you,
so you should really wait.
466
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,667
-Anyway, doesn't matter.
-Ryan, we have to
tell you something.
467
00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:35,208
-I know, it was impressive--
-Now, it's not bad.
468
00:18:35,291 --> 00:18:37,250
(STAMMERS) Wait-- What--
What do you mean, "bad"?
469
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,959
We love you, but...
470
00:18:39,041 --> 00:18:41,834
we didn't sign up for three
and a half years, and...
471
00:18:41,917 --> 00:18:44,166
-with that crazy spacewalk...
-RYAN: Ah, yes.
472
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,125
-CRIS: ...we can't--
-You're looking
at a hero, basically.
473
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,500
-We can't take the stress.
-The wh-- what?
474
00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:50,208
You lose the plot,
you lose your slot.
475
00:18:50,291 --> 00:18:54,333
"Slot"? This is a marriage,
not a fucking squash court.
476
00:18:54,417 --> 00:18:55,625
We're getting trivorced.
477
00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:57,250
Two-thirds majority.
Motion carried.
478
00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:59,750
-What about our vows?
"Hand in hand in hand"?
-CRIS: No, sorry.
479
00:19:03,417 --> 00:19:05,834
And then I downed it in one
and I threw up on...
480
00:19:05,917 --> 00:19:07,583
uh, on her dress, and...
481
00:19:08,458 --> 00:19:09,834
That was the end of...
482
00:19:09,917 --> 00:19:12,125
end of prom and, um...
483
00:19:12,208 --> 00:19:13,959
that's the first time
I had a drink.
484
00:19:14,041 --> 00:19:15,834
Uh, but it was a Judd Light,
485
00:19:15,917 --> 00:19:18,625
and Judd Light is available
throughout the ship.
486
00:19:18,709 --> 00:19:21,709
Um, it's, a-- a liquid party.
487
00:19:23,709 --> 00:19:26,000
I'm right in here.
(GIGGLES)
488
00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:28,208
-What are you doing?
-(MUMBLES)
489
00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:29,959
-What?
-Just going in my room.
490
00:19:30,041 --> 00:19:31,709
-Why are you here?
-It's my room.
491
00:19:31,792 --> 00:19:33,750
If you're trying to trick us
into a foursome,
492
00:19:33,834 --> 00:19:35,250
there's no tricking needed.
493
00:19:35,333 --> 00:19:37,542
This isn't a foursome,
it's a twosome.
494
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:39,709
-I'm easy.
-You guys stay here.
495
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:42,500
MIA: Why'd you bring
the peat bog man?
496
00:19:42,583 --> 00:19:43,834
DOUG: We're going
on my flight simulator.
497
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:45,208
MIA: Well, you need to
vacate the room
498
00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:46,583
because I'll be
making love everywhere.
499
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:49,125
Hey, yeah, we could--
we could go to yours.
500
00:19:49,208 --> 00:19:51,208
-Can I keep that as a backup?
-Oh, sure, yeah.
501
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,041
Give 'em a minute,
see what pans out.
502
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,709
MIA: Colin Firm, get in here!
503
00:19:54,792 --> 00:19:55,709
What?
504
00:19:55,792 --> 00:19:58,083
Sorry, Doug,
the viewing gallery is closed.
505
00:19:58,917 --> 00:20:00,875
Come on.
Let's just do it quickly.
506
00:20:00,959 --> 00:20:02,000
-MADS: No...
-MIA: No, no, no.
507
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:03,583
-Just do it quickly, before he--
-Do it!
508
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:05,083
-MIA: Who cares about him?
-MADS: No no, I--
509
00:20:05,166 --> 00:20:07,000
-Do it! Do it!
-MIA: You want it, you want it.
510
00:20:07,083 --> 00:20:08,333
Don't be a pussy, Colin!
511
00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:10,375
(STAMMERS) I'm sorry-- I wasn't
trained for this, I'm sorry.
512
00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:11,709
This reminds me of my last days
513
00:20:11,792 --> 00:20:13,166
on the International
Space Station.
514
00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:14,291
That was a scene!
515
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:17,542
I ruined it for her.
516
00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:19,166
(VOICE BREAKING)
So I won.
517
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:20,500
(SOBS)
518
00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,959
So, my last relationship
didn't end well.
519
00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:26,125
Uh, but-- Well, in some ways
you could say it did.
520
00:20:26,208 --> 00:20:28,917
'Cause my girlfriend
fell down a well.
521
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,166
Gravity, what a downer.
522
00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:33,417
JUDD: No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh. No. No.
523
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,417
Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone.
524
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,583
No, hold your applause.
525
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:40,458
Four people died
because of that gravity fail.
526
00:20:40,542 --> 00:20:42,458
Don't joke about
stuff like that.
527
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:47,500
Maybe that's why your girlfriend
jumped down that well,
528
00:20:47,583 --> 00:20:50,250
'cause of those kind of jokes.
529
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,709
JORDAN:
She didn't, she just left me--
530
00:20:52,792 --> 00:20:55,041
I was gonna
say a few words later,
531
00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:57,083
but now that "Uhhh"
532
00:20:57,166 --> 00:21:00,000
sucked all the good energy
out of the room and just...
533
00:21:00,083 --> 00:21:03,667
flushed it out into space
like... (SPLUTTERS)
534
00:21:04,542 --> 00:21:05,959
I'm just gonna read it now.
535
00:21:08,458 --> 00:21:10,959
"As you know, this was
meant to be the halfway point,
536
00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:12,583
but we're not halfway.
537
00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:13,625
And yet, in so many ways,
538
00:21:13,709 --> 00:21:15,875
we're more... (SNIFFLES)
...than halfway."
539
00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,458
-Iris, who wrote this?
-I did.
540
00:21:18,542 --> 00:21:20,041
And is it like this
all the way through,
541
00:21:20,125 --> 00:21:21,458
or does it get any better?
542
00:21:21,542 --> 00:21:23,709
Well, that was the best part,
and you kind of threw it away.
543
00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:25,709
Fuck!
544
00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:27,041
All right.
545
00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:28,750
"Because we've come
a long way,
546
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:30,166
and I'm proud of you
547
00:21:30,542 --> 00:21:31,917
and of me,
548
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,458
and I'm inspired
by you and me."
549
00:21:35,542 --> 00:21:37,792
(EXHALES LOUDLY) I'm just
gonna skip to the end.
550
00:21:37,875 --> 00:21:39,333
-Yep.
-JUDD: All right.
551
00:21:39,417 --> 00:21:40,959
"We can do this!
We're nearly there!
552
00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:42,625
We're not, but we are!"
553
00:21:42,709 --> 00:21:45,583
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
554
00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,208
Ever been to Buffalo before?
555
00:21:53,291 --> 00:21:55,125
-(RAV'S PHONE RINGS)
-It's changed a lot
556
00:21:55,208 --> 00:21:56,709
since they moved
the White House there.
557
00:21:56,792 --> 00:21:58,834
-For a start--
-RAV: Shut up.
558
00:21:58,917 --> 00:22:01,083
Alan, this better not be
bad news. I--
559
00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:03,500
What the fuck is that?
560
00:22:03,583 --> 00:22:06,417
ALAN LEWIS: I'm afraid some of
the, uh, residual matter
561
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,083
hasn't escaped
the ship's gravitational pull.
562
00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:13,083
Okay. Well...
563
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,000
It's a ring of shit.
564
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:16,250
-ALAN: Mm.
-A ring of shit?
565
00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:18,000
Could you just--?
Back to the book.
566
00:22:18,083 --> 00:22:20,083
On the upside, you can't see
the coffins anymore.
567
00:22:20,959 --> 00:22:22,125
Oh, no. There's one.
568
00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:28,083
Get ready to pretend we're
ten minutes to halfway there.
569
00:22:28,166 --> 00:22:29,875
Mmm!
570
00:22:29,959 --> 00:22:31,083
Could I get
another one of those?
571
00:22:31,166 --> 00:22:32,375
-WAITRESS: Sure.
-BILLIE: Um...
572
00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:36,458
Billie, don't ever, ever show
anyone your feelings.
573
00:22:36,542 --> 00:22:39,625
All right? Just bury them
as deep as you can.
574
00:22:39,709 --> 00:22:41,500
Scrunch them up
into a little tiny ball
575
00:22:41,583 --> 00:22:43,208
and then just... (GROWLS)
576
00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,667
Grow a couple of ulcers
if you wanna mark the spot,
577
00:22:45,750 --> 00:22:49,542
but otherwise, just smile,
pretend everything's fine.
578
00:22:49,625 --> 00:22:53,208
-You're not a happy drunk.
-I'm not a happy anything.
579
00:22:53,291 --> 00:22:55,709
-MAN: You the man!
-(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Hi, there. Hey.
580
00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:58,291
JUDD: Is it-- Why is
the shit still outside there?
581
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,083
(YELLS)
Iris!
582
00:23:00,750 --> 00:23:02,250
It's getting thicker.
583
00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:03,959
IRIS: We're--
We're working on it.
584
00:23:05,125 --> 00:23:08,208
All right, that's Mr. Judd,
everybody. Give it up.
585
00:23:08,291 --> 00:23:09,375
-(FAINT APPLAUSE)
-(TAPS MICROPHONE)
586
00:23:09,458 --> 00:23:10,875
-SOUND TECH: Yeah, it's on.
-I know it's on--
587
00:23:10,959 --> 00:23:13,208
MAN: You're gonna have to
compensate us for this.
588
00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,709
This is your fault.
589
00:23:14,792 --> 00:23:16,625
I mean, it's Frank's fault.
590
00:23:16,709 --> 00:23:18,125
He hit the big brown button.
591
00:23:18,208 --> 00:23:20,625
-MAN: Yeah.
-You mean, shit the button.
592
00:23:20,709 --> 00:23:22,125
See, that's comedy, man.
593
00:23:22,208 --> 00:23:24,250
That right there is comedy,
word play.
594
00:23:24,333 --> 00:23:25,500
(CHUCKLES) I love it.
595
00:23:25,583 --> 00:23:28,291
Hey, Frank, what if I came
and took a shit
596
00:23:28,375 --> 00:23:29,750
outside of your room?
597
00:23:29,834 --> 00:23:33,208
(CHUCKLING) The shit
is already outside my room.
598
00:23:33,291 --> 00:23:35,083
Okay. Then I'll come take a shit
599
00:23:35,166 --> 00:23:37,166
-inside your room.
-(AUDIENCE JEERING)
600
00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:39,750
I'll pay for the cleanup,
so you can do it again tomorrow.
601
00:23:39,834 --> 00:23:41,625
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
602
00:23:41,709 --> 00:23:44,250
We should shit Frank
out the airlock.
603
00:23:44,333 --> 00:23:47,166
You hurt him without my consent
and involvement
604
00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:49,417
and I will harm you deeply.
605
00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:52,250
(CHANTING) Shit. Him. Out.
606
00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:54,959
-(AUDIENCE JOINS CHANT)
-WOMAN: Shit him out! Yeah.
607
00:23:55,041 --> 00:23:57,500
-Shit him out! (LAUGHS)
-Shit him out!
608
00:23:57,583 --> 00:23:58,750
Shit him out!
609
00:23:58,834 --> 00:24:00,750
JORDAN: Guys,
come on, calm down.
610
00:24:00,834 --> 00:24:02,458
-Whoo! Shit him out!
-Shit him out!
611
00:24:02,542 --> 00:24:05,125
Hey, who remembers
the last Oscars? That was
a real shitshow, wasn't it?
612
00:24:05,208 --> 00:24:06,792
They gave an award to a sparrow.
613
00:24:06,875 --> 00:24:08,208
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Do you have...
614
00:24:08,291 --> 00:24:10,041
Do you have a whistle you can
blow to keep him under control?
615
00:24:10,125 --> 00:24:11,542
-Shit him out!
-IRIS: When he gets like this,
616
00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:13,458
it's best to just let him
wear himself out.
617
00:24:13,542 --> 00:24:15,959
-Security! Shit him the shit...
-FRANK KELLY: All right,
all right, I understand you're--
618
00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:17,291
...out of the airlock
and into the shit!
619
00:24:17,375 --> 00:24:19,250
KAREN: You need to shut the F up
620
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:22,291
before I knock you the F--
Frank!
621
00:24:22,375 --> 00:24:23,375
-Frank!
-Shit him out!
622
00:24:23,458 --> 00:24:26,208
-Frank! Frank!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!
623
00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:28,291
Frank! Frank!
624
00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:30,875
Hey! Put him down, he's mine!
625
00:24:31,625 --> 00:24:33,917
No! Stop murdering someone!
626
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,083
Frank!
627
00:24:35,166 --> 00:24:37,083
(CLAMORING AND CHANTING)
628
00:24:37,625 --> 00:24:39,041
Do something!
629
00:24:40,959 --> 00:24:43,667
Well, I guess things are looking
up for-- Oh, thank fuck.
630
00:24:43,750 --> 00:24:46,000
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
631
00:24:46,083 --> 00:24:48,125
-(MICROPHONE SQUEALS)
-(CROWD SILENCES)
632
00:24:48,208 --> 00:24:51,166
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Calm... and I cannot
stress this enough...
633
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:54,000
(YELLS) the fuck down!
634
00:24:54,083 --> 00:24:57,166
Mr. Judd did not mean
shit anybody out.
635
00:24:57,250 --> 00:24:59,333
He was making a joke.
636
00:24:59,417 --> 00:25:00,709
(SCOFFS) Yeah. Yeah.
637
00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:03,125
You guys
don't understand comedy.
638
00:25:03,208 --> 00:25:04,166
I do.
639
00:25:04,250 --> 00:25:07,208
What I did back there,
that was comedy. Idiots.
640
00:25:07,291 --> 00:25:10,083
Uh... right, and the comedy
was, may I say,
641
00:25:10,166 --> 00:25:13,583
exquisitely performed,
unlike this guy, who...
642
00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:16,834
I assume was abused by
a punchline when he was a kid.
643
00:25:16,917 --> 00:25:17,875
(CROWD LAUGHS)
644
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,458
-Oh, come on!
-RYAN: Taking his revenge--
645
00:25:19,542 --> 00:25:20,917
Do you mind? Please!
646
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,333
Okay, security, can we--
can we bring Frank back down?
647
00:25:24,417 --> 00:25:26,709
Right? Let's bring--
Let's bring Frank back down.
648
00:25:26,792 --> 00:25:28,375
-(MUTTERING) Oh, thank God.
-MAN: Whoo!
649
00:25:28,458 --> 00:25:29,500
RYAN: Thank you.
650
00:25:29,583 --> 00:25:31,834
And can we, uh,
render him vertical?
651
00:25:32,792 --> 00:25:34,333
There we go.
652
00:25:34,417 --> 00:25:37,375
Okay. Now, do you know
what's gonna get us out of this?
653
00:25:37,458 --> 00:25:38,542
A big rocket?
654
00:25:38,625 --> 00:25:39,417
Uh, no.
655
00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:41,375
That--
Well, yes, that would be...
656
00:25:41,458 --> 00:25:43,709
Okay, there's two ways
we can get out of this.
657
00:25:43,792 --> 00:25:45,208
Captain Ryan saved you, okay?
658
00:25:45,291 --> 00:25:48,041
So you just owe him
a big handshake.
659
00:25:48,125 --> 00:25:49,959
-Go on. Go ahead.
-RYAN: Teamwork.
660
00:25:50,041 --> 00:25:52,875
We together as a team.
All right?
661
00:25:52,959 --> 00:25:55,417
Like the Egyptians
building the pyramids.
662
00:25:55,500 --> 00:25:57,291
We can be like... bricks
663
00:25:57,375 --> 00:25:58,834
in one of those Mexican palaces
664
00:25:58,917 --> 00:26:01,250
with the steps up the side,
we climb the steps--
665
00:26:01,333 --> 00:26:02,917
-(FRANK GRUNTS)
-(MICROPHONE SQUEALS)
666
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,083
-Frank!
-MAN: Whoa.
667
00:26:04,166 --> 00:26:07,709
(YELLS) You stay away
from my wife, you jackal!
668
00:26:07,792 --> 00:26:11,125
Or you will have me
and my wife to deal with!
669
00:26:11,834 --> 00:26:14,166
Got it? Captain Turtleneck?
670
00:26:14,250 --> 00:26:15,125
-Frank!
-Honey--
671
00:26:15,208 --> 00:26:16,625
-That was wrong.
-Honey--
672
00:26:16,709 --> 00:26:18,041
Hot, but wrong.
673
00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:19,834
-We're ten seconds
from Halfway Home.
-JORDAN: So, uh...
674
00:26:19,917 --> 00:26:21,917
-It's funny, isn't it?
You call them "elevators."
-MATT: Ten. Nine...
675
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,041
-Uh, but they just don't elevate
they also... lower.
-MATT: Eight. Seven. Six. Seven.
676
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,083
And zero!
677
00:26:26,166 --> 00:26:29,250
-(CHEERING)
-♪ (PARTY MUSIC STARTS) ♪
678
00:26:29,333 --> 00:26:30,834
We're halfway home!
679
00:26:30,917 --> 00:26:34,709
Let's party so loud,
they hear us back on Earth.
680
00:26:34,792 --> 00:26:36,917
MAN: Who threw that?
You are dead man.
681
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,834
All right, or woman,
let's not be sexist.
682
00:26:38,917 --> 00:26:40,375
But actually, no, it was--
it was a man.
683
00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:41,709
-It was him there.
-(GRUNTS)
684
00:26:41,792 --> 00:26:44,000
Not him. Him!
685
00:26:46,458 --> 00:26:48,458
-This is all on you.
-What?
686
00:26:48,542 --> 00:26:49,625
You had one job.
687
00:26:49,709 --> 00:26:51,583
I expect. I'm not sure
exactly what you do.
688
00:26:51,667 --> 00:26:54,667
I saved everybody, so I think
the words you're looking for
689
00:26:54,750 --> 00:26:55,959
are "thank you, Billie"
690
00:26:56,041 --> 00:26:58,542
and "I'm sorry I've got a rod
up my metal ass."
691
00:26:58,625 --> 00:27:00,375
I hope you're trampled
by this conga line--
692
00:27:00,458 --> 00:27:01,625
Whoa!
693
00:27:01,709 --> 00:27:04,917
Iris, I'll be in my cabin
with a protein ball and a gun.
694
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,583
-Yes, Mr. Judd--
-JUDD: (BANGS ON GLASS) Iris!
695
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,500
(YELLING) I heard you!
696
00:27:11,041 --> 00:27:12,500
JORDAN:
Well, I think that's my time.
697
00:27:12,583 --> 00:27:15,625
So thanks for coming, everyone,
to see the funniest man
698
00:27:15,709 --> 00:27:17,125
in the universe.
699
00:27:17,208 --> 00:27:19,792
That's me,
in case it wasn't clear.
700
00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:24,834
I think everything will be okay
if we just stick together.
701
00:27:24,917 --> 00:27:28,166
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Worked for every
extinct species in history.
702
00:27:28,250 --> 00:27:29,959
MATT: What a crazy night, right?
703
00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:32,458
Knock, knock.
704
00:27:33,792 --> 00:27:36,250
(CHUCKLES)
Knock, knock.
705
00:27:37,041 --> 00:27:38,458
(MATT CHUCKLES AGAIN)
706
00:27:40,542 --> 00:27:42,500
-These-- These people are...
-(PHONE CHIMES)
707
00:27:42,583 --> 00:27:44,208
...the bravest and the boldest.
708
00:27:44,291 --> 00:27:48,625
They are humanity's finest,
and they need safe--
709
00:27:48,709 --> 00:27:51,500
(CLAMORING AND SINGING)
710
00:27:51,583 --> 00:27:53,542
-(LAUGHTER)
-(CHEERING)
711
00:27:54,709 --> 00:27:56,083
(RETCHING)
712
00:27:56,166 --> 00:27:57,667
(SIGHS)
713
00:27:57,750 --> 00:27:59,709
STAFFER:
The President will see you now.
714
00:27:59,792 --> 00:28:00,750
Great.
715
00:28:00,834 --> 00:28:02,208
-(CHEERING CONTINUES)
-MATT: Hey, uh,
716
00:28:02,291 --> 00:28:04,917
Jordan's gonna be
signing merchandise at the bar.
717
00:28:05,041 --> 00:28:07,583
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
He's in hiding.
718
00:28:07,667 --> 00:28:09,917
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
719
00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:14,166
I may be a fake, and a fraud,
and a terrible lay,
720
00:29:14,250 --> 00:29:16,625
and a credit risk,
but I am still a useful,
721
00:29:16,709 --> 00:29:17,709
functioning--
722
00:29:18,125 --> 00:29:19,583
-Actually can you do this? Yeah.
-Yeah.
723
00:29:19,667 --> 00:29:20,667
-(BEEPING)
-♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
724
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,208
Why is the ship beeping?
Gotta be a warning of some kind.
725
00:29:23,291 --> 00:29:25,250
Yes. You don't usually have
a recurring beep
726
00:29:25,333 --> 00:29:26,750
to tell you everything
is going just fine.
727
00:29:26,834 --> 00:29:28,792
-Why can you panic
and I can't panic?
-I'm not panicking.
728
00:29:28,875 --> 00:29:30,000
-(BEEPING)
-Iris!
729
00:29:30,083 --> 00:29:33,041
The ship is beeping.
This could cause mass distress.
730
00:29:33,375 --> 00:29:34,166
(BEEPING)
731
00:29:34,458 --> 00:29:35,792
-I need you to hook me up.
-What do you need?
732
00:29:35,875 --> 00:29:37,083
Porno, mint jelly?
733
00:29:37,166 --> 00:29:38,458
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
734
00:29:38,542 --> 00:29:39,709
(SCREAMING)
735
00:29:40,083 --> 00:29:41,625
Lots of sedatives.
736
00:29:41,709 --> 00:29:43,542
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
55385
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