All language subtitles for Inside.No.9.S04E03.HDTV.x264-MTB

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yes? Hello.

Looking for a Mrs Falsham.

Yes, that's me. What do you want?

Handle Me Gently. Sorry?

The removals company -
Handle Me Gently. I'm Spike.

We spoke on the phone?

That's right, yes. Yes, right.

So through here, is it?

Yes, but we're not quite...

No, no, this way.

You're a bit of a mouthful,
aren't you?

The name, I mean, of your company.
Oh, yes. It's my boss's idea.

He wanted to call us Van Man Style

but I managed to talk him
out of that.

SHE GIGGLES Funny.

Well...

..these are all the things
I want to be moved, all of this,

and, well, everything, really
because that's what happens

when you move, isn't it?
That's the idea.

Some people do leave a little
something for the people

that are moving in.

You got a buyer yet? Not yet.

Some people leave a bottle
of champagne, you know.

Lawn mower.

I know a couple that found a
cardboard box on the kitchen table.

Inside the box was a paint pot.

Inside the paint pot
was a human turd.

So, you know, people are funny,
aren't they?

What do we have here?
This is breakables, is it?

Yes, that's right. All...

..broken.

OK, I'm going
to have to make a note of this.

Of course.

SHE WEEPS QUIETLY

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.

No, it's all right, I'm just...

It's all been a bit trying.

It's one of the most stressful
things, isn't it? Moving house.

People often say that but, according
to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale,

the top three are - death of a
spouse, divorce and imprisonment.

Moving home's only number 32.
Oh, well, that's something.

And erectile dysfunction
isn't even on the list.

So I don't know what her problem is.

I'm just getting it out there,
you know, talking about it.

It's no biggie.

Evidently not.

So, lived here long, have you?
In this house? Yeah, yonks.

Yonks and yonks.

How long is a yonk? Often wondered.
Yeah, that's a good question.

I don't know actually.

Oh, here's my husband, he might
know. Darling, how long is a yonk?

A what? A yonk.

Sorry, this is Spike from
Squeeze Me Tightly.

Handle Me Gently. All right.

He was wondering how long a yonk is?

Er, it's short for donkey's years,
isn't it?

Yeah, that would make sense.

Are you all ready to move house,
darling?

Well,
the cakes are still in the oven

so if Spike could come back
another time.

Yes, we're making cakes
for whoever moves in. Aren't we?

We decided against pooing
in a paint pot.

What? I'll show you out.

Mrs Falsham, I don't think you
understand.

We work on allocations only.

If I don't fill your slot today,

it might be weeks
before I can get up again.

Of course. Spike has erectile
dysfunction. Really?

I'm sorry,
is there a problem here? No!

We're just a normal family
moving house.

What's going on? Oh, it's all right,
Dad, go back to bed. 00:03:43,425
I can't sleep
my stomach's playing up.

Why are you dressed like a tart?

And what's Richard Stilgoe
doing here?

I'm not taking any of those lyrics,
Stilgoe!

So you can shove your roller skates
up your arse, do you hear?!

He thinks he's Andrew Lloyd Webber.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Wha...? What's that racket?
Sorry, it's my phone.

Come on, come with me.
Don't touch my penis!

Did you see that, people?

He's trying to play me like a cello!

STOMACH GURGLES

Oh, my God!

What's wrong? Are you OK?
I'll get a towel.

Argh!

SHE SCREAMS

Argh! Jesus Christ!

SQUELCHING

I can explain.

Ah, Julian, there you are.

You took your time. Sorry.

Couldn't find any cocoa,
she's packed everything away.

I hope she hasn't
touched my bloody piano.

I didn't see it.

Why aren't you wearing any clothes?
I've just been doing some painting.

Here.

Oh, God! It's too hot!

My mouth is not asbestos, you know.

Sorry. Ooh, I had a good
bit of news this morning.

Roger has agreed to do Aspects.

Roger? Roger Moore.

James Bond in one of my musicals.

How about that then? Hm?

HE CHUCKLES

I hope he can sing.

That's great news.

Well, tell your face.

What's the matter with you?

Sorry, it's been a long day.

Have your cocoa.

You're my son, aren't you?

You're not Julian Lloyd Webber
at all.

That's right.

And I have a daughter, don't I?

Yes.

That's good.

Well, you two must
look after each other.

I won't be here forever,
you know. I know.

Don't worry, Dad. Have your cocoa.

It'll be cooler now.

DOORBELL

What now?

If that's Julie Covington,
tell her it's too late.

I've already offered the part
to Elaine Paige.

Sorry.

Not interrupting anything, am I?

No, no. I was just upstairs
with Dad.

Andrew Lloyd Webber? Yes. Bless him.

He's really far gone now, isn't he?

Yes, yes. He's got no memory.

Other than the one from Cats!
Exactly.

Is Natasha in? I'm a good friend
of hers, I live just down the lane.

No, she's not here at the moment.

She's just picking up
the removal man. Oh, I see.

Does he not have his own transport?

The removal man?

Yes, yes. He's just got lost.

I was going to say.
It would be quite a slow move!

Natasha's been talking
a lot about you, the mystery man.

All good I hope. Yes.
She seems very much in love.

I hope you'll take good care of her.

I will.

Anyway, I don't want to keep you.
I only popped round to return this.

You know what she's like about
people borrowing things. Yes.

She didn't speak to Mrs Granger
from months over that quiche plate.

So I believe.

SHOUTING

I'd better...

Wait there.

What's wrong? It's that bloody
cocoa. It doesn't agree wit

Just try to keep your voice down.

I haven't felt this bad since the
press night of Love Never Dies.

Shit.

Looks like the removal van.

Listen to me bitch,
you do exactly as I say.

Hello? Anybody in?

Sorry I'm late.

Hi. Hugo Brevington JSQ.

I had a message from the
lady of the house saying
she was

That's right, yes.
Well, here are the property deeds.

You can peruse these
at your leisure as and when.

Headlines are, four-bed farmhouse.

Two outbuildings
with planning pending.

Country kitchen with a five-door
Aga. Period features.

Don't know if you're arsed.
Not really. No, me neither. 00:09:41,345
Obviously in need
of a lick of paint.

You can see they've made
a start already,

but, to be perfectly honest
with you, it will be sold
befo

Is your wife able to view today?
I'd strongly recommend it.

She's actually looking at some
other properties at the moment.

Which ones? Not Pennington Lane?

It's sinking.

It'll be a basement in two years,
but you didn't hear it from me.

So have we got the deal?
Are we rocking?

Well, I haven't really looked around
it yet. Absolutely. Be

Any questions, don't hesitate.
I will leave you alone.

Thanks.

Storage.

Lovely door action there.

No lock. Very free and easy.

Imagine coming down those stairs
every morning.

Cup of coffee. Dog padding through
with the paper.

Wife, smell of bacon.

Cooking it, she doesn't smell of it.

I'm vegetarian. Me too. Good call,
we will live longer my fr

Let them choke on their sausages,
eh?

Well... Thanks very much.

One second.
I've got the call coming through.

Hello.

Really? That is very interesting,

because I've got a gentleman
here at the property at the moment.

Well, let me relay that to him.

What's happened is,
someone's put an offer in.

Not asking price but close to,
and the vendor is considering it.

Now, we have a window of five
minutes if you want
to secur

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

That's weird. I was just talking to
someone. What's happened there then?

Hello?

Hi, Mum.

I can't talk right now.
I'm with a client.

Anything. I'm not fussed.

All right, then, biryani. Stop...

I don't know. Lamb.

I've got to go.
I'll speak to you later, OK. Bye.

So like I say, it's deal or no deal.

I'll think about it. Please.

Please, I need this sale.

I just need to get something
up on the board, that's all.

Get over this dry patch. How about
it? I feel like we've connected.

I mean, for fuck's sake,
a five-door Aga. OK.

What? OK, I'll buy it.
What's the asking price? 00:12:10,306
I'll go and speak
to my mortgage provider.

You have saved a man's life today.
You will not regret this.

And as a thank-you gesture,
I have permission from the vendor

to throw in all these
items of furniture.

Well, that's not...
I think you just lost this sale.

Argh!

Come out of there!
No, leave me alone.

Listen up.

I just want to talk to.
I don't believe you.

You killed Mrs Falsham.

Do you have any idea how that's
going to affect the asking price?

Look, Hugo.

There's no lock on this door.
You just told me that.

Please.

Let me go home.

My mum's ordered me biryani.

Come out, then!

I'm not going to hurt you.
I promise.

Hello! Sarah? Water's getting cold!

Not another one.

Sarah?

Is that you?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the great
Julian Lloyd Webber

come to see his older brother.

Now look. I've already given you
the theme to the South Bank Show.

That's all you're going to get
out of me. Who the fuck are

You know damn well who I am, Julian.

Come on now.
Help me out of this bath.

All right. Fine.

And then I'll make you
a nice cup of cocoa.

Warm you up.

Are you in yet, Daddy?

All right, all right, don't rush me.

Just let me know when everything's
under the bubbles.

Oh, good grief.

That reminds me,
I must get some sun-dried tomatoes.

Now, is there anything else
I can do for you? No, thank you.<

I am not an invalid. Right.

Well, I'm going down
to finish the packing.

You remember we're moving
the furniture today.

What bloody furniture?

Who are you anyway?

I'm Natasha, Daddy.
I'm your daughter.

Don't be ridiculous! You're far
too old to be my daughter.

You better get out of here
before Sarah gets back.

She's auditioning for Hot Gossip
today. Daddy, listen. 00:17:38,026
I know you won't understand
but I have to tell you something.

Charles and I are moving
to Portugal.

You remember Portugal?

We had that holiday there
when I was a girl.

Yes, yes. Albufeira.

That's right. Well...

We need to get away.

Make a fresh start.

We've found a lovely home for you
not far from here.

There's lots of people there
with your....

Well...

Who I'm sure you'll get on with.

I won't share a room with Tim Rice.

No, you get your own room.

The problem is,
I won't be able to contact you.

That's the deal.

Because Charles and I...

Well, let's just say it'll be
better all-round if we disappeared.

Right.

Have you finished?

Yes. Oh, good. Go on, get out.

Close every door to me.

Hugo, it's Natasha.

I'm just checking you're your way
over for the viewing.

Like I say, I've got someone
who's very interested.

I'll let them in
if they get here before you.

And I hope you don't think
I'm being patronising,

but please try not to appear
so desperate.

It's very off-putting.

You were sweating so much last time
you looked like Lee Evans at the O2.

Anyway, I'll see you shortly.

And just so you know, my father's
in the upstairs bathroom,

so you might want to warn them about
the whole Andrew Lloyd Webber thing.

OK, bye.

Oh, good. You've made a start.
Spike, isn't it?

Erm... You're Spike from Handle Me
Gently? We spoke on the p

That's right, we did. Good.

So I've managed to fill
most of these boxes

but there are a few more
breakables to go in.

You can bubble wrap them,
can't you? Yes. 00:20:31,386
Can I take your jacket?

Would you like a cut of tea?
No, thank you.

So you live here?

This is your house?

Yes. Though, not for much longer.
Obviously.

It can get quite isolated.

But I've been very lucky
with my neighbours.

That's good.

So do you enjoy doing removals?

I wouldn't say I enjoy it but...

Thanks.

..someone's got to do it,
haven't they? Yes.

I'd hate to do it on my own.

I just try to make it as painless
as possible.

For everyone involved.

I meant to ask you,
do you do disposals as well? Can do. 00:21:21,785
Because I'm not taking
the tumble drier

so it'll need driving to the tip.

I'll take care of everything.
There won't be any loose ends.

What a professional young man
you are. I do try.

Argh!

Oh, no. Have you burned yourself?
Agas are terrible for that.

Here, run it under the tap.

Argh. I can get you some
anti-septic cream.

No, it's all right. I'll use this.
Honestly, it's no bother.

I have to keep my medical box handy

as I've an elderly father
who's very accident prone.

In another life
I could have been a nurse.

There's something very satisfying
about taking care of people.

Don't you think? Absolutely.

Hello? Anybody in?

Sorry I'm late.

Sod it.

DOORBELL

May. What are you doing here?
I thought you had to stay in today.

I know. I'm sorry but I need to
talk to someone or I'll go mad.

Of course. Come in. Thanks.

I know you're busy with the move
and your dad and everything.

It's all right. Come through.

So what's happened?

It's Charles. I think
he's having an affair.

Charles?

Yes.

I bought him some cufflinks
for his birthday.

I can't even remember
when it is now.

What? Charles's birthday.

It's May, isn't it?

That's right.

So I wrapped them up and hid them
in one of the drawers

of the utility room
and that's when I found this.

"She knows about our affair."

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

But he's been behaving so strangely,

it makes perfect sense.

All those conferences in Dusseldorf,

he never once brought me
back a bratwurst.

Look, darling, you can't
be worrying about sausages.

I'm sure there's a perfectly
innocent explanation.

And this isn't even
Charles's handwriting.

How do you know?

I can tell.

Just from the birthday and
Christmas cards he's written me

over the years.

I didn't think of that.

And if you're that worried about it,

ask him about it tonight

when he gets home from work.

You mustn't bottle it up,

that's the worst thing you can do.

Thanks, Natasha.

You're such a dear friend.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

Now, come on, you should
get back home.

I'd hate for you
to miss that package.

You're right. It's probably
my overactive imagination.

Sarah! These pyjamas
are leaking again.

I think we should send them back.

Look, I've got to go.
I'll need to put him in the bath.

Of course, you go.

I'll let myself out.

Thanks.

Goodbye, May.

Of course, you go.

I'll let myself out.

Hello?

Charles?

Why are you calling
from the landline?

I told you not to use it.

Is everything all right?

It's May, isn't it?

What about May?

She's not been round, has she?

I told her she had to
stay in for a delivery.

She knows about our affair.

Why? What did you say?

Natasha, are you still
there, darling?

Tell me what she said.

Natasha!

Look, darling, you can't be
worrying about sausages.

What? What are you talking about?

Listen, I know this is stressful
but we just have to hold our nerve.

In about half an hour she'll be
out of our lives for good.

The man I'm using
is very professional.

He comes highly recommended.

You just make sure you're with your
estate agent so you've got an alibi

and when the police come round
and say there's been a murder,

you can prove exactly
where you were.

Look, I'm going to go.

I'm in a meeting. I love you.

I'll see you in Portugal.

Natasha?

Goodbye, May.

What?