All language subtitles for With.Honors.1994.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[MEN'S CHORUS]
* OHH-OHH *

* OHH-OHH-OHH *

* AHH-AHH-AHH-AHH *

* AH-AH-AH-AH-AH *

* OHH... **

IT'S 7 A.M., CHILDREN,

AND YOU'RE LISTENING
TO RADIO FREE HARVARD

ON A CHILLY
NOVEMBER MORNING.

YOU'RE AT THE GREATEST
UNIVERSITY ON EARTH,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE IN
OVER YOUR HEAD.

YOU'RE DROWNING,

ESPECIALLY YOU SENIORS.

ONLY 150 DAYS BEFORE
YOUR THESIS IS DUE

AND THE POWERS THAT BE

DECIDE WHETHER YOU'RE
DESTINED FOR GREATNESS

OR MEDIOCRITY.

I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.

DO I REALLY BELONG HERE?

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT DON'T GIVE IN.
DON'T GIVE UP.

ARISE, FAIR HARVARD.
ARISE.

YOU, TOO,
CAN RULE THE WORLD.

YOU JUST HAVE TO CRUSH
EVERYONE ELSE FIRST.

A LITTLE CRUSHING
MUSIC, MAESTRO.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
LET'S GO!

KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING.

KEEP UP THE PACE!
NICE AND NEAT!

WHOO!

IGNORE HIM!

MOVE IT. LET'S GO!

WHOO-HOO!

VERY FUNNY, MONTY.

NOW HERE'S SOMETHING
TO CROW ABOUT.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

I'VE GOT A GREAT COCK,
DON'T I?

LAST NIGHT
A RADCLIFFE SOPHOMORE

SAW A GHOST LOOKING
REMARKABLY LIKE WALT WHITMAN

IN WIDENER LIBRARY.

AMERICA'S GREATEST POET
HAUNTING THE STACKS, EH?

WELL, THE CLIFFIE IS UNDERGOING
SOME INTENSE DEBRIEFING

BY THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT.
THEY BETTER HURRY.

WEATHER TELLS US
THAT 10 INCHES
OF THE WHITE SHROUD

IS SCHEDULED FOR TONIGHT.

I'M EVERETT CALLOWAY.
NOW YOU HEAR ME...

NOW YOU...

YOUR FATHER CALLED
AND WANTS YOU
TO CALL HIM BACK.

WHAT'S UP
WITH FATHER?

MARRYING MY SISTER,
PERHAPS?

HE MUMBLED SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR BEING
OVERDRAWN...

AGAIN.

I THOUGHT
HE WAS A PATRIOT.

DOESN'T HE BELIEVE
IN DEFICIT SPENDING?

LORD MONTAGUE,

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY GRIM
AND FORMAL THIS MORNING.

TRYING TO PASS
FOR A YALIE?

I GOT A MEETING
WITH PITKANNAN.

OH, NO. NOT
ABOUT THE THESIS.

FEELING CONFIDENT?

FEELING NAUSEOUS.

LOOK AT THIS ONE HERE.
LOOK AT HER.

OH, GOD.

HI.

I KNOW HER.

I'VE BEEN WITH HER.

FIRST PARAGRAPH,
MR. KESSLER.

LET'S HEAR IT.

[CLEARS THROAT]

CHAPTER ONE...

FROM MEMORY?

YES, SIR.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
THAT DENOTES HARD WORK

OR UNSEEMLY VANITY.

STAND UP.

STAND UP?

I LIKE
A SUBSTANTIAL TARGET.

CHAPTER ONE...

THE BOTTOMLESS WELL
OF NEED.

THE NOBLE AND AMBITIOUS
ASSUMPTION

OF THE GOVERNMENT
OF THE UNITED STATES

IS THAT THE NEEDS
OF A DIVERSE POPULATION

CAN BE FULFILLED.

THE DREAM OF A MELTING POT
HAS BECOME A CAULDRON

OF INFLEXIBLE MINORITIES
AND THE HOPELESSLY
UNEMPLOYABLE.

THE SOLUTION IS
TO LEAVE THE COMPLEXITIES
OF MODERN GOVERNMENT

TO THE POLITICAL EXPERT--

[SNIFF SNIFF]

AND TO RETHINK
OUR NAIVE FAITH

IN THE WISDOM
OF THE PEOPLE.

A GOOD BEGINNING.

LEAVE YOUR CHAPTER.

IF THE REST
OF YOUR THESIS

IS AS INTELLIGENT
AS YOU ARE,

YOU ARE CERTAIN
TO GRADUATE

SUMMA CUM LAUDE.

AND THAT WILL BE
THE BEGINNING

OF A BRILLIANT CAREER.

THANK YOU,
PROFESSOR PITKANNAN.

DO YOU THINK HELGA
IS A VOLUPTUOUS
SAINT-EMILION

OR A BUTTERY CHARDONNAY?

YOU MEAN HELGA
WITH THE COILS,

WORKS OVER
AT KINKO COPY?

[BROOKLYN ACCENT]
YEAH, DAT'S HER.

WHADDYA THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK?
BUD LITE.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

MONTY. I'D
APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULDN'T
START YOUR DAY

BY DEMORALIZING
MY CREW.

COURTNEY, YOU'RE JUST
NOT A LEADER OF MEN.

VERY FUNNY.

THEN BE A MODEL.

HEY,
HEY, HEY.

MONTY, HOW'D IT GO?

HOW DID WHAT GO?

THE BIG MEETING
WITH THE GOD
OF YOUR IDOLATRY.

PITKANNAN.
IT WENT GREAT.

RAH.

YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN
FOR FIVE SECONDS?

THE BEST NEVER
REST, JEFF.

I HATE HIM.

HE IS A TAD COMPULSIVE.

HE HAS TO BE.
HARVARD'S NOT
HIS INHERITANCE.

IT'S TRUE. HARVARD
DOESN'T HAVE ANY
STANDARDS LEFT.

THEY LET IN
ANYONE WHO'S BRIGHT.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

OH, YEAH.
THE POOR GUY'S THE PET
OF A NOBEL LAUREATE.

PITKANNAN SPENDS
MORE TIME ON NIGHTLINE
THAN IN LECTURE HALLS.

HE'S A CELEBRITY,
NOT AN INTELLECTUAL.

HE'LL STILL GET MONTY
INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL

AND SET HIM UP FOR LIFE.

SOUNDS LIKE
A DEATH SENTENCE.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

OH, SHIT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO.

NO. NO.

NO!

MONTY!

YOUR HARD DRIVE
IS FRIED.

O.K.

YOU'VE DONE
10 CHAPTERS ALREADY?

I'M GOING
TO GET XEROXES.

JUST WAIT TILL MORNING.

IT'S MY ONLY COPY.

YOU'RE AFRAID
SOMEONE'S GOING TO
BREAK IN AND STEAL IT?

I CAN'T TAKE CHANCES.
THIS IS MY LIFE.

IT'S NOT YOUR LIFE.

I'M GOING WITH HIM.

GOOD.

MONTY, WAIT UP!

I DIDN'T ASK YOU
TO TAG ALONG.

YOU'RE WELCOME,
YOU BASTARD.

YOU JUST CAN'T
KEEP UP WITH ME.

[LAUGHING]

AW, MONTY.
ARE YOU O.K.?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, GOOD.
IT'S DOWN THERE.

IN THE BOILER ROOM?

I GOT TO GET
INTO WIDENER.

IT'S CLOSED.
WAIT TILL MORNING.

I CAN'T WAIT--OHH.

YOU'RE HURT.

MONTY...WOULD YOU
LIKE MY HELP GETTING IN?

YES.

SINCE YOU ASKED
SO NICELY...

COME ON.

THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR?

YES. I KNOW THE GUARD.

HI, CHUCK.

IT'S KIND OF LATE.
YOU O.K.?

YEAH. I WAS HERE
EARLIER,

AND I THINK
I MISPLACED MY WALLET.

DID ANYONE TURN IT IN?

I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYBODY BRINGING IN
A WALLET,

BUT LET ME
TAKE A LOOK.

OH, I FOUND
A HAT HERE

AND, UH, A SCARF.

I GOT A BANANA.

WHAT COLOR
WAS THAT WALLET?

UM, IT WAS GREEN.
ALLIGATOR GREEN.

ALLIGATOR GREEN. WELL,
THAT'S KIND OF SPIFFY. HEH.

[HISS]
OW!

[COUGHS]

NO! NO!

HEY! STOP.
I'M JUST A STUDENT!

HEY, WILL YOU JUST
CALM DOWN? OW!

AH!

IT'S MINE.

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

IT'S IMPORTANT.
IT BELONGS TO ME.

FINDERS, KEEPERS.
LOSERS, WEEPERS.

DON'T YOU KNOCK
BEFORE COMING
INTO SOMEONE'S HOME?

IT'S NOT WORTH ANYTHING.

THEN WHY
WOULD YOU WANT IT?

O.K., HOW MUCH?

I'VE GOT A CHECK.

IS IT CERTIFIED?
HOW ABOUT A CD?

I NEED SOMETHING
I CAN CHEW, KID.

O.K. YOU WANT FOOD?
I'LL BRING YOU SOME.

THEN YOU GIVE ME THAT.

WHAT SIZE UNDERPANTS
YOU WEAR?

EXCUSE ME?

WHAT SIZE
ARE YOUR UNDERPANTS?

I'LL BRING YOU
SOME UNDERPANTS.

JUST DON'T BURN
ANY MORE PAGES.

I'LL BRING UNDERPANTS,
YOU GIVE MY THESIS BACK.

IS THAT WHAT THIS
PIECE OF SHIT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE?

WHAT'S IT SUPPOSED
TO BE ON, HARVARD?

GOVERNMENT.

GOVERNMENT? I DIDN'T
RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU'RE DAN QUAYLE.

YOU CAME BACK TO FINISH
YOUR EDUCATION,
HUH, BOY?

YOU STUDY GOVERNMENT,
SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY.

YOU WANT SOMETHING?
I NEED SOMETHING.

GO GET ME
A GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

A GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

MAKE SURE THE GLAZE
IS NOT ALL BROKE.

WHAT ABOUT
YOUR UNDERPANTS?

WHAT ABOUT
MY UNDERPANTS?

THE--

CLEAN UNDERPANTS, TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.

FINE. GREAT.
GLAZED DOUGHNUT--

PRISTINE
GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

PRISTINE GLAZED DOUGHNUT
AND UNDERPANTS.

WHAT DO I GET?

FOR EACH THING
YOU GIVE,

I'LL GIVE YOU
ONE THING.

A CHAPTER.

NO. A PAGE
IS A THING.

A CHAPTER
IS A WHOLE LOT
OF THINGS.

THERE ARE 88 PAGES
IN THAT THESIS.

THERE ARE 83 PAGES NOW.

I FOUND A WAY TO LIVE
THROUGH THE WINTER,
HARVARD.

I HOPE YOU GOT IT,

BECAUSE I JUST WENT
THROUGH TWO YEARS
OF LOST AND FOUND.

YOU DIDN'T GET IT?

OOH. AH!

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET YOU
TO THE INFIRMARY.

PERFECT.

THE GLAZE
IS ALMOST PERFECT.

THERE'S NO POINT.

I'M CALLING
THE UNIVERSITY COPS.

LET'S NEGOTIATE.
HOW MUCH CASH
DO WE HAVE?

CAN'T EAT MONEY.

DOESN'T MONEY BUY FOOD?

HELGA...

YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
I LOVE YOU.

HE'S PROBABLY
SCHIZOPHRENIC.

MOST OF THE HOMELESS
ARE SCHIZOPHRENICS
OFF MEDICATION.

I HAVE 50 ON ME.

I NEED THE MONEY
TO FIX THE COMPUTER.

IF I CONVINCE
MY ESTEEMED FATHER

THAT THE MONEY
ISN'T FOR ME, MAYBE--

EVERETT,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS GUY COULD BE
USING MY THESIS
FOR TOILET PAPER.

HE COULD BE EATING IT.

HE HAS NO RESPECT
FOR HIMSELF,

MUCH LESS FOR WHAT
I'M STRUGGLING TO DO.

HE LIKED TORMENTING ME.
HE WANTS ME TO FAIL.

PITKANNAN ADVISED
BILL RAPP LAST YEAR.

HE DROPPED HIM
JUST BEFORE DEADLINE

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T
HAVE A ROUGH DRAFT.

OH, GOD.

YOU NEED REST.
GET SOME SLEEP.

WE'LL GET A FRESH
DOUGHNUT TOMORROW.

I'M SURE HE DOESN'T
WANT YOU TO FAIL.

JUST REASON
WITH HIM.

DEAL WITH HIM
LIKE A HUMAN BEING.

I KNOW HE'S A HUMAN BEING.
I SMELLED HIM.

HE'S A WORTHLESS, STINKING,
FILTHY, USELESS HUMAN BEING.

YEAH. HELLO. SECURITY?

WATCH YOUR STEP THERE.

YOU BUNCH
OF SCAVENGERS.

THANKS FOR
THE DOUGHNUT,
YOU LITTLE STOOLIE.

COME ON.

HEY, MONTY,
IS THAT HIM?

HE'S A LITTLE OLD MAN.

OFFICER, IT ISN'T HERE.
NOW WHERE IS IT?

IT'S NOT DOWN THERE,
AND IT'S NOT ON HIM.

[GAVEL POUNDS]

YOU'VE ALL BEEN
IN VIOLATION

OF CAMBRIDGE
CITY ORDINANCES

AND ARE CHARGED
WITH PUBLIC INTOXICATION

AND/OR VAGRANCY
AND/OR PANHANDLING.

IF YOU PLEAD GUILTY,
PLEASE SIT DOWN.

IF YOU PLEAD NOT GUILTY,
STEP FORWARD.

NAME?

SIMON B. WILDER, JUDGE.

AS A TAXPAYER, I'D LIKE
TO REQUEST A TRIAL BY JURY.

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU PAID TAXES?

THREE TIMES
JUST LAST WEEK.

YOU PAID TAXES THREE TIMES?

YES, SIR.

THERE'S A FEDERAL, STATE,
AND COUNTY TAX ON WINE.

MR. WILDER, THE COURT
CONCEDES THAT YOU HAVE

PAID VARIOUS TAXES.

NEVERTHELESS, A JURY TRIAL
IS NOT CALLED FOR.

THE CHARGES OF PUBLIC
DRUNKENNESS,

TRESPASSING, AND VAGRANCY
STILL STAND.

HOW DO YOU PLEAD?

NOT GUILTY.

YOU WERE FOUND LIVING
IN AN OLD FURNACE ROOM

UNDER WIDENER LIBRARY ON
THE HARVARD COLLEGE CAMPUS.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

HARVARD UNIVERSITY
IS A LAND-GRANT SCHOOL.

CONSTITUTIONALLY,
I WAS LIVING
ON PUBLIC GROUNDS.

I'LL DROP THE CHARGE
OF TRESPASSING,

BUT YOUR BREATHALYZER TEST
SHOWED YOU WERE DRUNK

WHEN YOU WERE ARRESTED.

AT MY ARREST,
I WAS NEITHER
DRIVING AN AUTOMOBILE

OR OPERATING
HEAVY FARM EQUIPMENT.

I WAS READING.
I'M PAST
THE DRINKING AGE.

IF I DRINK TO KILL
THE WINTER CHILL,

IT'S NOT A CRIME.

IF IT WERE, EVERY FAN
AT A HARVARD/YALE
FOOTBALL GAME

WOULD BE BEHIND BARS.
COME ON!

[GAVEL POUNDS]

BE CAREFUL, MR. WILDER.

YOU'RE COMING
DANGEROUSLY CLOSE

TO CONTEMPT OF COURT.

I'LL DROP THE CHARGES
OF PUBLIC INTOXICATION.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN
AND A SCHOLAR.

I KNEW WE'D
HIT IT OFF FAMOUSLY.

WHEN I HEARD
THAT PHONY ACCENT,

I THOUGHT HE WAS
GOING TO BE AN ASSHOLE.

JUST GOES TO SHOW--

THAT'S IT, MR. WILDER.
I'M HOLDING YOU IN CONTEMPT.

$50 OR 50 DAYS.

YOU'LL BE HEARING
FROM ALAN DERSHOWITZ.

LET'S SEE HOW
YOU DO WITH HIM!

MAY I PAY THAT FINE?

ARE YOU RELATED
TO MR. WILDER?

NO, SIR.
I'M A HARVARD STUDENT.

I'M WRITING MY THESIS,

AND I NEED
MR. WILDER'S HELP.

THIS YOUNG MAN
WILL PAY THE FINE,

PROVIDED HE GETS MR. WILDER
OUT OF MY SIGHT.

NEXT CASE, PLEASE.

DON'T ASK HIM
FOR A GLAZED DOUGHNUT.

[LAUGHTER]

EXCUSE ME, MISS.

CAN I BORROW YOUR QUARTER?

I'D LIKE TO GET
THE MORNING PAPER.

THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE GREATEST
NATION IN THE WORLD IS,
DON'T YOU?

I HOPE IT'S THE USA.

WRONG. IT'S DO-NATION.

HERE YOU GO.

THAT'S FOR BEING
SO GENEROUS.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
FOR YOUR FRIENDS?

NO. ONE'S FINE.
THANKS.

THANK YOU.
BYE, SWEETHEART.

MR. WILDER, I HAVE
A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

I THINK THAT--

BUY THE BOSTON HERALD
OVER HERE!

ONLY 25 CENTS!

GET YOUR PAPER
OVER HERE.
ONLY 25 CENTS!

READ ALL ABOUT IT.

CLARENCE THOMAS
WINS APPOINTMENT.

MOVES IN ON TOP
OF HILL.

I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE.

LET ME
CHECK THAT OUT.

25 CENTS.

IT'S ON PAGE FIVE.

I BAILED YOU OUT.

I THINK THAT ENTITLES ME
TO A CONVERSATION.

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

HARVARD STUDENT
DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT!

CRUSHED BY GIANT EGO.

I'LL TAKE THE REST.
HERE'S 5 BUCKS.

WHAT DO YOU SEE
WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME?

A MAN.

YOU SEE A PIECE
OF SHIT, HARVARD.

I SEE A MAN
WHO NEEDS A HOME.

I HAD A HOME. I HAD
A WARM PLACE TO SLEEP...

17 BATHROOMS
AND 8 MILES OF BOOKS.

I HAD A GODDAMN PALACE.

YOU KNOW WHY
I NEED A HOME?

'CAUSE OF YOU.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU
LOOKED AT ME,

YOU DIDN'T SEE A MAN.

WELL?

WHAT'S THAT?

A HOUSE.

I'D PREFER THAT.

IT'S FULL.

IT'S THE BEST
I CAN DO.

MY ROOMMATE BOZ
CRACKED UP
TWO MONTHS AGO

AND QUIT SCHOOL.

THIS IS HIS STUFF.

WHERE IS HE NOW?

BALI.

BALI? I'VE BEEN THERE.

MERCHANT MARINES.

SWAB THE DECKS
AND SEE THE WORLD.

JUST DON'T BREATHE
IN THE ENGINE ROOM.

WELL, ALL THIS
COMFORT CAN BE YOURS

FOR JUST
ONE SENIOR THESIS.

FOR EACH NIGHT'S LODGING,

ONE PAGE.

LOOK, I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.

THIS IS NINE MONTHS
OF MY WORK.

GIVE ME
ALL THE PAGES NOW,

AND YOU CAN STAY
UNTIL SPRING.

YOU HAVE MY WORD.

YOUR WORD, HARVARD?
SURELY, YE JEST.

DID YOU FORGET
ABOUT OUR ORIGINAL DEAL?

ONE THING FOR ONE THING.

GET A LITTLE CREATIVE,

YOU'LL HAVE ME OUT
IN NO TIME.

BY THE WAY,

I'LL NEED SOMETHING
DECENT TO READ.

TAKE ANYTHING YOU WANT
FROM THE LIBRARY.

WELL, I WAS READING
GERMINAL BY ZOLA

TILL I WAS
SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED.

YOU'LL HAVE IT
BY TOMORROW.

BOY, OH, BOY.

WHERE YOU GOING?

GOT TO GET
DINNER, HARVARD.

MY ROOMMATES
ARE COOKING DINNER.

I'LL GET YOU SOME.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT ARE THEY HAVING?

WHAT ARE THEY HAVING?

HELLO, SPEEDY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

THAT GOOD, HUH?

CHECK THAT FOR YOU?

MR. ONE-CRUTCH
MAN!

DIDN'T THE DOCTOR SAY
TO USE BOTH CRUTCHES?

I ONLY NEED ONE.

DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE EVEN AFRAID

TO DEPEND ON
INANIMATE OBJECTS.

ANYONE MIND
IF I HAVE SECONDS?

I'LL KICK IN EXTRA
FOR GROCERIES.

YOU STILL OWE
FOR LAST WEEK.

I'M GOOD FOR IT.
CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?

ARE YOU DINING
ON THE TERRACE
THIS EVENING?

* YOU WERE IN MY TIME *

* YOU WERE DRIVING
CIRCLES *

* AROUND ME... **

THIS MEET
YOUR STANDARDS?

WHEN DO I GET MY PAGE?

TOMORROW.

IF YOU EAT NOW,
I GET MY PAGE NOW.

IF YOU HAD
AN INSURANCE POLICY,

WOULD YOU
CARRY IT AROUND?

YOU'RE BEING
VERY UNREASONABLE.

HOW DO I KNOW
YOU DIDN'T BURN IT?

YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?

NO, HARVARD.
I THINK YOU'RE A LOSER.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OH, HI.

FINE.

TOMORROW THEN. FINE.

WHAT IF MY PARENTS
PULL A SURPRISE
WEEKEND VISIT?

MY MOM WOULD HAVE
A HEART ATTACK.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU THINK
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN

A LITTLE MORE CONSIDERATE

IF YOU'D ASKED
JEFF'S MOTHER FIRST?

DON'T LECTURE ME
ABOUT CONSIDERATION.

YOU KEEP A ROOSTER.

MY COCK IS A LOT CLEANER
THAN YOUR BUM.

WE'RE COMPARING
COCKS AND BUMS?

IS THIS INSIDE
MACHO TALK?

THE ROOSTER
IS THE CENTERPIECE
OF MY RADIO SHOW.

FINE. THE BUM
IS THE CENTERPIECE
OF MY LIFE.

DOES ANYBODY
HAVE A RAZOR?

MY LEGS ARE
TURNING INTO
CHRISTMAS TREES.

COURTNEY! EWWW.

COME ON.
WE'RE ALL GUYS HERE.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

I GOT A DATE.

PROMISED JONATHAN
I'D MAKE UP
WITH HIM AGAIN.

JONATHAN. THE FACE.

HE'S MORE THAN THAT.
HE'S ALSO A GREAT BODY.

JESUS, COURTNEY.
COULD WE NOT TALK

ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW?

JEFF, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE
YOUR GIRLFRIEND HOME,

SO I DEFLATED HER.

[MONTY]
TAKE MY BLADE.

THANKS.

REMEMBER, IF YOU
TIRE OF THE FACE,

HELGA'S
GOT A BROTHER.

HOW'S THE VIEW?

THIS ISN'T
GOING TO WORK.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS
SINCE JUNIOR YEAR.

I'M NOT GOING
TO START AGAIN

BECAUSE SOME BUM
WANTS TO HOLD IT HOSTAGE.

I'LL TALK HIM INTO
GIVING ME THE WHOLE THING.

YOU'VE BEEN GREAT
AT TALKING HIM
INTO THINGS.

YOU SAID
HE WANTS A HOME.

EVERETT,
I'LL HANDLE IT, O.K.?

O.K., JEFF?

I'LL HAVE HIM OUT
IN A FEW DAYS.

CUT ME SOME SLACK.

[COURTNEY]
MONTY!

MONTY!

KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.

MONTY. MONTY.

GO GET HER, MONTY.

GO GET HER!

I THINK WE SHOULD
CALL YOUR MOTHER.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

HE'S GOING TO FREEZE
OUT THERE.

GIVE HIM MY EXTRA BLANKETS.

I DON'T WANT HIM
TO BE TOO COMFORTABLE.

HE COULD DIE.

NO SUCH LUCK.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY
LIKE THIS, ARE YOU?

TELL ME THIS HARD-HEARTED
JERK ISN'T YOU.

GIVE UP ON ME.

I'M TIRED OF
DISAPPOINTING YOU.

THEN DO IT FOR YOURSELF.

YOU WANT TO BE
A HOT-SHIT DIPLOMAT.

SECRETARY OF STATE?

EVEN PITKANNAN
WOULD OFFER A HOSTILE POWER

BLANKETS
TO ESTABLISH GOOD WILL.

DON'T CUT YOURSELF.

I NEVER WANTED
TO BE A RAZOR

SO BAD IN MY LIFE.

HERE.

IT'S YOUR NAMESAKE'S WORK.

SOMEBODY SPOTTED YOU
IN THE LIBRARY,

THOUGHT YOU WERE
WALT WHITMAN'S GHOST.

BOO.

VAN'S ACTUALLY MINE,
YOU KNOW.

I LOANED MY EX-ROOMMATE
A SMALL FORTUNE...

AND HE FLED TO BALI.

AND I GOT THE VAN.

WHY DON'T YOU SELL IT?

THE ENGINE DOESN'T RUN.

SO FIX IT. WANT ME
TO DO IT FOR YOU?

ARE YOU A MECHANIC?

I'M A ZEN BUDDHIST.
THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.

HOW MANY
BOTTLES OF WINE
WOULD YOU GIVE ME

IF I FIXED IT?

SIX.
EIGHT.

EIGHT.
SEVEN.

O.K., NINE.
THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

DIDN'T YOU USE TO RUN
A SAVINGS AND LOAN?

YOU'RE THINKING
OF MY FATHER.

LOOK, YOU WANT
A LITTLE SOMETHING
IN ADVANCE?

BOY, OH, BOY.
YOU MUST BE

ONE OF THE GREAT MINDS
OF YOUR GENERATION.

YOU GOT A CORKY SCREW?

[LAUGHING]

HEY, BOY.

HERE WE GO.

FOR LODGINGS AND MEALS,

AND TWO EXTRA
FOR THE BLANKET.

THANKS.

THANKS A LOT,

BUT THE BLANKET WAS JUST,
YOU KNOW, GOODWILL.

GIVE ME YOUR BOOKS.
I'LL CARRY THEM.

WHAT'S THAT GOING
TO COST ME?

IT'S FOR
THE BLANKET, O.K.?

YOU DIDN'T ASK
FOR THE BLANKET,

SO THE BLANKET
DOESN'T COUNT.

I APPRECIATED IT, O.K.?

WOULD YOU APPRECIATE IT
IF I CARRY YOUR BOOKS?

BOY, OH, BOY,
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

COME ON, BOY.

HIP IT UP, HOPPY.
LET'S GO.

HERE WE ARE,
BACK WHERE YOU FOUND ME.

DON'T REMIND ME.

I WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO READ UPSTAIRS.

BET THE LIGHT'S BETTER.

GERMINAL, RIGHT?

THIS LIBRARY'S LIKE
A CHURCH, ISN'T IT?

WHEN YOU WERE IN CHURCH,
YOU EVER LOOK UP SOMETIMES

AND WONDER WHAT PEOPLE
WERE PRAYING FOR?

DID SOMEONE DIE?
WAS SOMEONE JUST BORN?

LIBRARY'S LIKE THAT
FOR ME.

SIR. SIR, YOU CAN'T
STAY HERE.

IT'S O.K.
HE'S WITH ME.

HE'S PART OF
MY RESEARCH PROJECT.

OH. I BEG YOUR PARDON.

WOMEN--AIN'T THEY PERFECT?

NOT ALWAYS.

YES, THEY ARE.
THEY'RE PERFECT.

DON'T MATTER
IF THEY'RE SKINNY,
FAT, BLONDE, OR BLUE.

IF A WOMAN'S WILLING
TO GIVE YOU HER LOVE,

IT'S THE GREATEST GIFT
IN THE WORLD.

MAKES YOU TALLER,
MAKES YOU SMARTER,

MAKES YOUR TEETH SHINE.
BOY, WOMEN ARE PERFECT.

KEEP YOUR VOICE LOW.

PERFECT JOY
AND PERFECT ACHE.

JOY WHEN YOU FIRST SEE 'EM,

ACHE WHEN YOU LEAVE 'EM.

JOY. ACHE. JOY. ACHE.

JOY-ACHE, JOY-ACHE,
JOY-ACHE, JOY-ACHE,

JOY-ACHE, JOY-ACHE--

SHH!

IF YOU KEEP
YOUR VOICE LOW,

THEN YOU WOULDN'T
ATTRACT ATTENTION.

PSST.

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO PAGES
FOR A BATH.

UH, O.K.

LET ME GET
SOME WORK DONE.

WHY DID YOU SAY
I WAS A LOSER?

SHH!

TSK TSK TSK.

THE POT CALLING
THE KETTLE BLACK, HUH?

I'M NOT A LOSER, HARVARD.

I'M A QUITTER.

YOU TRY TOO HARD.

WINNERS FORGET
THEY'RE IN A RACE.

THEY JUST LOVE TO RUN.

* MINE EYES HAVE SEEN
THE GLORY *

* OF THE COMING
OF THE LORD *

EVERETT?

EVERETT?

* GRAPES OF WRATH
ARE STORED-- *

* HE HAS LOOSENED UP
THE PANTIES *

* OF THE LITTLE WHORE
NEXT DOOR *

MONTY!

* HIS TRUTH IS
MARCHING ON **

MONT--

O.K., HE CANNOT STAY,
SO GET HIM OUT.

WATER DOESN'T
COST ANYTHING.

I'LL BUY YOU
MORE BUBBLE BATH.

DID YOU GIVE HIM A KEY
TO THE HOUSE?

I SPENT THE DAY WITH HIM.
HE'S HARMLESS.

HE LIKES TO READ.
HE LIKES TO TALK.

I CANNOT TAKE THIS
RIGHT NOW.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE
MED SCHOOL, O.K.?

I MADE HARVARD.
I'M NOT MAKING
MED SCHOOL.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I'VE GOT ONE PAGE
OF MY THESIS.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

I HEARD YOU PRINTING OUT.

SOUNDED LIKE
YOU HAD 50 PAGES.

BLANKS.

I PRINTED OUT BLANKS.

I DIDN'T WANT
YOU GUYS TO KNOW.

JESUS, JEFF.

AND I THOUGHT
I WAS WOUND TIGHT.

GET HIM OUT.
I CANNOT WORK
WITH HIM AROUND.

WHAT IF MY MOM COMES?

O.K., O.K.
CALM DOWN.

YOU'RE STARTING TO
SOUND LIKE BOZ.

I'M NOTHING
LIKE BOZ.

WHO'S LIKE BOZ?

I THOUGHT BOZ
WAS IN BALI,
BY GOLLY.

HE'S WEARING
MY ROBE.

[SNIFFS]

AND IT SMELLS
TERRIFIC.

I DID LEAVE CLOTHES
OUT FOR YOU.

I CAME DOWN
FOR A BEER.

I CAN'T GET DRESSED
WITHOUT A BEER.

LITTLE QUIRK.

MONTY, THIS IS TOTALLY
OUT OF CONTROL.

YOU WAKE UP
ON THE WRONG SIDE
OF THE BED?

LOVER'S QUARREL?

MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE.

WE'RE NOT LOVERS.
WE'RE ROOMMATES.

WE RESPECT
EACH OTHER'S SPACE.

YOU RESPECT
EACH OTHER'S EMPTY AIR?

THAT'S VERY PROFOUND
FOR HARVARD STUDENTS.

O.K., LET'S GO. COME ON.

HEY, MY ROBE.

O.K. IF THAT'S HOW
YOU FEEL ABOUT IT,

DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU
WEARING MY THINGS.

JUST KEEP IT, O.K.?

THANK YOU.

BOY, OH, BOY.

THERE'S ENTIRELY
TOO MUCH BICKERING
IN THIS HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW
IF I COULD LIVE HERE.

I HOPE MY SUMMER PLACE
WILL BE READY SOON.

THEN YOU'LL
PROBABLY MISS ME.

I KNOW, I KNOW.
I HAVE A PLAN.

I'M TAKING HIM
TO SOCIAL SECURITY

AND GETTING HIM
DISABILITY BENEFITS.

WELL, I EXPECT
YOU TO CLEAN
THE BATHTUB.

NAME.

SIMON WILDER.

WHO IS SIMON WILDER?

HE IS.
HE IS.

CUT IT OUT.
HE IS.

ARE YOU SIMON WILDER?

I USED TO BE.

D.O.B.?

E-F-G-H-I-J.

DATE OF BIRTH.

WHEN WERE YOU BORN?

WHEN THE MOON WAS FULL,

I WAS ABANDONED
BY MY MOMMY.

I WAS RAISED
BY A SHE-WOLF
IN A WYOMING CAVE.

THIS WILL
GET YOU MONEY.

YOU NEED MONEY.

I DON'T. YOU DO.

I'LL ASK AGAIN. DO YOU
HAVE EVIDENCE OF BIRTH?

I'M SITTING HERE,
AIN'T I?

DO YOU THINK I HAPPENED
BY SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION?

HE'S NOT COOPERATING.

WHAT STATE
WERE YOU BORN IN?

INFANCY.

I'M TRYING TO HELP.

YOU SEE THIS FACE,
LADY?

MEMORIZE IT.

SOME DAY THIS BOY'S
GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

IF HE'S UNCOOPERATIVE,
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.

I GUESS THAT'S
WHY YOU WORK HERE.

CAN I HAVE ONE OF THESE
MUFFINS, LADY?

NO!

I'M SORRY. UH, NO.

CAN'T EVEN GET
A MUFFIN.

HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO GET CASH?

IF YOU PEOPLE ARE IN LINE
FOR MUFFINS,

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

THEY'RE NOT GIVING ANY OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE MADE A DEAL.

I WENT IN,
DIDN'T I?

WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE

WHETHER THE MONEY
COMES FROM ME
OR THE GOVERNMENT?

I GOT A GRIEVANCE
AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT.

YOU PAID
INTO THE SYSTEM.

YOU SAID YOU WORKED--

SAILOR, LUMBERJACK,
SHORT-ORDER COOK.

OR WAS THAT
ALL BULLSHIT?

THERE YOU GO.
EXCUSE ME.

WELL, WE GOING
TO THE MOVIE
OR WHAT?

A DEAL IS A DEAL,
HARVARD.

* KINDA WOMAN *

* I'D GIVE YOU
MY ALL... *

HEY, EVERETT,
CAN I BORROW
SOME CONDOMS?

NO, BUT YOU CAN HAVE SOME.

ENDURANCE TEST?

MORE LIKE
A POP QUIZ.

OH, COURTNEY.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MONTY.

ARE YOU EXPECTING
AN INVASION?

I DON'T WANT TO BE
MURDERED IN MY BED.

YOUR BED IS THE ONE PLACE
YOU'RE TOTALLY SAFE.

JESUS.

ARE YOU GOING
TO WATCH HIM ALL NIGHT?

LOCKING THE GIRLFRIEND IN?

GOOD NIGHT, LITTLE ONES.

* HAPPINESS,
NO LONGER SAD *

* HAPPINESS *

* I'M GLAD **

OW. OW.

GIVE ME SOME BOOKS.

I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE
OF CARRYING MY OWN BOOKS,

THANK YOU.

HERE.

CHAPTER TWO.

I READ IT.

THAT STUFF IS REALLY
COMING OUT
THE WRONG END.

SORRY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.

THIS ISN'T JUST
SOME TERM PAPER.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

YOUR LIFE IS
A BUNCH OF PAPERS?

MY DREAM IS TO GET
INTO GOVERNMENT
AND HELP PEOPLE.

YOU THINK THOSE IDEAS
ARE GOING
TO HELP PEOPLE?

IT'S A BUNCH OF
PESSIMISTIC JUNK.

THAT'S NOT GOING
TO HELP.

THAT'S GIVING UP.

THE BEST PROFESSOR HERE

HAPPENS TO THINK
THAT THIS HAS PROMISE.

HIS OPINION, NOT YOURS.
THAT'S MY LIFE.

WAIT A MINUTE, HARVARD.

LET ME SHOW YOU MY LIFE.

THERE IT IS.
THAT'S MY LIFE.

I GOT THIS ONE
ON A BEACH IN BALI.

BEST NIGHT'S SLEEP
I EVER HAD.

YOU REMEMBER
ONE NIGHT OF SLEEP?

THE LAST GOOD ONE I HAD.

WHAT'S THIS SHINY WHITE ONE?

YEAH, THAT ONE.
WHAT'S THAT?

A WOMAN.

WHO WAS SHE?

THE ONE.

MY ONE TRUE LOVE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?
YOU'RE A ROMANTIC.

ALL QUITTERS
ARE ROMANTIC, HARVARD.

YEP.

EACH STONE TELLS A STORY
THAT I WANT TO REMEMBER.

ALL I DO--PUT THEM
IN MY HANDS, RUB THEM,

AND ABRACADABRA,
I'M BACK THERE.

GIVE ME YOUR BOOKS.

TELL ME ABOUT THE WOMAN.

I CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

I'M NOT HOLDING
THE STONE.

WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?
THERE'S A BENCH.

I ACTUALLY COME HERE
SOMETIMES

WHEN THE WEATHER'S WARM.

YEAH.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
ISN'T IT?

I GOT A FRIEND,
SLEEPS ON THAT BENCH
OVER THERE.

I LIKE TO STUDY OUTSIDE.

STUDY? BOY, OH, BOY,

WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO YOU, ANYWAY,
HARVARD?

DIDN'T YOUR FATHER
EVER PLAY BALL
WITH YOU?

LET'S GO,
IF WE WANT TO GET
SOMETHING TO EAT.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

RELAX.
TAKE A BREATHER.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER
MY QUESTION.

DIDN'T HE EVER
PLAY WITH YOU?

MY PAST ISN'T PART
OF OUR DEAL.

OOH.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU STILL DON'T THINK
I'M HUMAN, DO YOU?

THERE'S NOTHING
TO TELL, O.K.?

MY FATHER LEFT
WHEN I WAS 5.

HE LEFT MY MOTHER
FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.

HE HAD KIDS WITH HER.
WROTE ME ONCE A YEAR.

WHEN I GOT INTO HARVARD,

HE WROTE AND SAID
HOW PROUD HE WAS

AND SORRY
HE COULDN'T HELP
WITH TUITION.

THAT WAS THE LAST
I HEARD FROM HIM
'CAUSE HE DIED.

MY MOM'S TERRIFIC.

UNCLE BILL TOOK ME
TO LITTLE LEAGUE. O.K.?

O.K.

DOESN'T SOUND
TOO TOUGH.

WAS IT?

NO.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

WHAT?

HOW LONG WERE YOU
IN THE MERCHANT MARINE?

UM...NONE OF YOUR
GODDAMN BUSINESS.

SO WHERE WERE YOU
BEFORE HARVARD?

PRINCETON.

I WAS HANGING OUT
WITH AL EINSTEIN.

I KIND OF INSPIRED HIM.

HE GOT STUCK
ON SOME FORMULA.

I TOLD HIM,
"YOU GOT A STEADY JOB,

"YOUR WIFE LOVES YOU.
DON'T MAKE YOURSELF CRAZY.

EVERYTHING'S RELATIVE."

THERE YOU ARE,
MR. FUEL PUMP.

GOOD AS NEW.

JUST IN TIME.
BREAKFAST.

THERE YOU GO, BOY.
ONE PAGE.

WHAT IS THIS?

OATMEAL.

ROUGHAGE.
IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

GOOD FOR A HORSE.

GIVE ME THAT
PAGE BACK. HERE.

EAT UP, SIMON.

GOT A BIG SURPRISE
FOR YOU.

OUR FOUNDING FATHERS,

OR TO BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT,

OUR FOUNDING PARENTS,

DESIGNED THE CONSTITUTION
TO PREVENT THE PRESIDENCY

FROM BECOMING ANOTHER FORM
OF TYRANNY,

AN ELECTED KING.

WELL, DID THEY SUCCEED?

I SMELL AN AMBUSH.

MISS MOORE,

YOU HAVE AN ANSWER.

THE PRESIDENT IS NOT
AN ELECTED KING.

INDEED.

COULD THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,

WITHOUT CONSULTING
THOSE HE GOVERNS,

MORE OR LESS DESTROY
THE ENTIRE WORLD?

WELL, I GUESS HE COULD.

YOU GUESS HE COULD.

COULD JULIUS CAESAR
HAVE DONE THAT?

COULD NAPOLEON?

COULD ADOLF HITLER?

BUT THEY TRIED TO.

AREN'T YOU MAKING
A FALSE ANALOGY?

OH, THIS IS
MY LUCKY DAY.

I ASK A QUESTION,

AND I GET A QUESTION
IN RESPONSE.

YOU DO BELONG IN
GOVERNMENT, MY DEAR.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

NOW DOES ANYONE HAVE
AN ANSWER FOR ME

INSTEAD OF A QUIZ?

DON'T BE A HERO, BOY.

MR. KESSLER.

YOUR THOUGHTS.

THE PRESIDENT CAN'T BOMB
WITHOUT REASON.

HE HAS A REASON.

HE THINKS WE NEED
MORE PARKING SPACES.

THE POINT IS,
CAN HE DESTROY
THE WORLD?

NOT WITHOUT CONGRESS.

MR. KESSLER,
AFTER FOUR YEARS
OF HARVARD,

HAS IT ESCAPED
YOUR ATTENTION

THAT THE PRESIDENT
CAN MAKE WAR FOR 90 DAYS

WITHOUT CONSULTING
CONGRESS?

UH...

WELL, THA-THAT'S RIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. KESSLER.

AT LEAST I'M GOING
TO PASS THIS COURSE.

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

MY QUESTION STILL STANDS.

WHAT IS

THE PARTICULAR GENIUS
OF THE CONSTITUTION?

NICE TRY,
GENERAL CUSTER.

SHUT UP.

WHAT QUALITY DISTINGUISHES
THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION?

I TOLD YOU NOT
TO STAND UP.

YOU CAN'T TALK
IN HERE.

YOU, SIR.

YOU, SIR!

WHO, ME?

DO YOU HAVE
AN OPINION?

NO.

ARE YOU A STUDENT?

NO.

ARE YOU A GUEST?

NO, I'M A BUM.

THERE ARE NO BUMS.

THERE ARE ONLY
THE FINANCIALLY
CHALLENGED.

NO, I'M A BUM...

[LAUGHTER]

BUT BEAR IN MIND,
I'M A HARVARD BUM.

YOU MUST BE
THE LOGICAL RESULT

OF AN OPEN
ADMISSIONS POLICY.

NO, SIR.

MY PRESENCE HERE
IS THE LOGICAL RESULT

OF THE SEARCH
FOR EDIBLE GARBAGE.

YOU'RE HERE
FOR THE GARBAGE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

COLLEGES PRODUCE
A LOT OF GARBAGE,

AND HARVARD PRODUCES
MORE THAN MOST.

WHAT WIT.

INSPIRED NO DOUBT BY...

WILD TURKEY?

YOU ASK FOR CHARITY,

PLEADING THAT SOCIETY
HAS FAILED YOU

AND YOU NEED HELP,

BUT ACTUALLY,
YOU'RE QUITE CAPABLE,

AND WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
IS ALCOHOLIC BLISS.

I WOULD RATHER DRINK
RUBBING ALCOHOL

THAN LISTEN TO YOU,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

AND ACCORDING TO
THE 21st AMENDMENT,

YOU CAN DRINK
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

SIMON.

WHICH DOOR
DO I LEAVE FROM?

AT HARVARD, WE DON'T
END OUR SENTENCES
WITH PREPOSITIONS.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

WHICH DOOR DO
I LEAVE FROM, ASSHOLE?

WHAT DEMOCRATIC ELOQUENCE.

YOU ASKED
THE QUESTION, SIR.

LET ME ANSWER IT.

THE GENIUS
OF THE CONSTITUTION

IS IT CAN ALWAYS
BE CHANGED.

THE GENIUS
OF THE CONSTITUTION

IS IT MAKES
NO PERMANENT RULE

OTHER THAN ITS FAITH
IN THE WISDOM OF PEOPLE
TO GOVERN THEMSELVES.

FAITH IN THE WISDOM
OF THE PEOPLE

IS EXACTLY WHAT MAKES
THE CONSTITUTION
INCOMPLETE AND CRUDE.

CRUDE?

NO, SIR.

OUR FOUNDING PARENTS

WERE POMPOUS,
MIDDLE-AGED
WHITE FARMERS,

BUT THEY WERE
ALSO GREAT MEN

BECAUSE THEY KNEW
ONE THING

THAT ALL GREAT MEN
SHOULD KNOW--

THAT THEY DIDN'T
KNOW EVERYTHING.

THEY KNEW THEY WOULD
MAKE MISTAKES,

BUT THEY LEFT A WAY
TO CORRECT THEM.

THEY DIDN'T THINK OF
THEMSELVES AS LEADERS.

THEY WANTED
A GOVERNMENT
OF CITIZENS,

NOT ROYALTY.

A GOVERNMENT
OF LISTENERS,

NOT LECTURERS.

A GOVERNMENT
THAT COULD CHANGE,

NOT STAND STILL.

THE PRESIDENT
ISN'T AN ELECTED KING

NO MATTER HOW MANY BOMBS
HE CAN DROP,

BECAUSE THE CRUDE
CONSTITUTION
DOESN'T TRUST HIM.

HE'S A SERVANT
OF THE PEOPLE.

HE'S A BUM,
O.K., MR. PITKANNAN?

HE'S JUST A BUM,

AND THE ONLY BLISS
THAT HE'S SEARCHING FOR

IS FREEDOM AND JUSTICE.

MR. KESSLER.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

[COUGHING]

SIMON.

HEY, SIMON,
ARE YOU O.K.?

WHAT CAN I DO?

I'M FINE.

NOW THAT I'VE TAUGHT
AT HARVARD, BOY,

IT'S ALL DOWNHILL
FROM HERE.

COURT, DO YOU THINK DEBBY

IS A SEDUCTIVE PINOT NOIR

OR A NUTTY CABERNET?

DEBBY? WHAT HAPPENED
WITH HELGA?

OH, I LOVE 'EM BOTH.

WHEN ARE YOU
GOING TO REALIZE

WOMEN ARE MORE THAN JUST
FERMENTED GRAPE JUICE?

WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE
MEN ARE MORE THAN MEAT?

THE DAY I BECOME
A VEGETARIAN.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO
BELOW 0 TONIGHT.

CAN HE SLEEP
IN THE CELLAR?

NO PROBLEM.
SURE.

NO PROBLEM?
THERE'S A BIG PROBLEM.

I'M SICK OF THIS.

I'M SICK OF PAYING EXTRA
TO LIVE WITH A BUM

WHILE I GET RAGGED
BECAUSE I WANT TO STUDY.

BRING HIM INSIDE,
AND I'M LEAVING.

THEN LEAVE.

I'M SERIOUS.

ARE YOU GOING
TO COVER MY RENT?

MONTY, I'D LOVE
TO HELP YOU OUT,

BUT I'M BROKE.
MY OLD MAN CUT ME OFF.

NOT THAT I EVER WANT
TO SEE JEFF LEAVE.

NO PROBLEM.

JUST TAKE ONE PORTION,
O.K.? JUST ONE.

YOU SHIT!

HE'S A HUMAN BEING.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

YOU JUST WANT
YOUR THESIS.

YOU CARE ABOUT HIM?
TAKE HIM TO A SHELTER.

SIMON.

HA HA HA HA.

AW, JESUS CHRIST!

[COUGHING]

HEY, HEY, HEY.

HERE.

I'M JUST PRACTICING.

IT'S NOT A FUNNY JOKE.

WHO SAID IT WAS A JOKE?

WHERE'S THE BLANKET
I GAVE YOU?

I LOANED IT TO A FRIEND.

IN THIS COLD?

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

I'LL GET YOU
ANOTHER ONE.

I WISH THIS THING'S
HEATER WORKED.

HA HA HA. ME, TOO.

THEN MY LIFE
WOULD BE PERFECT.

WELL.

HEY.

I'LL DOUBLE
MY NORMAL PAYMENT

FOR A LITTLE SPOT
IN THE CELLAR.

UM, THE CELLAR'S
FLOODED,

AND, UM--

I WOULD PUT YOU
IN THE LIVING ROOM,

BUT JEFF'S PARENTS MIGHT
BE COMING OVER TONIGHT,

SO, YOU KNOW...

WELL, SURE, I KNOW.

I KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

I'M THINKING,
WHY AM I IN HERE,

AND HE'S OUT THERE?

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
SEEN YOU LIKE THIS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT
TO BURST INTO TEARS.

WELL, DON'T HOLD
YOUR BREATH.

SIMON?

GOD.

SIMON!

"YOU LIED AGAIN, HARVARD.

DEAL'S OFF."

AAH!

STOP!

SHIT!

SEPARATION ANXIETY
FROM YOUR CAST?

I THOUGHT IT'D GO
QUICKER WITH IT OFF,

BUT I CAN'T CONCENTRATE.
I CAN'T EVEN READ.

I'M NEVER GOING
TO GET THIS DONE.

THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

REALLY?
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

YOU MISS HIM.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

GORKY.

EVERETT!

GORKY, COME--

STUPID BIRD!

GORKY! SHIT.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

EVERETT!

GOOD MORNING.
ARE YOU AWAKE?

EVERETT, COME GET
YOUR ROOSTER!

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

ALL RIGHT, NO PEEKING.

NOPE, NO PEEKING.

COURTNEY?

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT,
OPEN YOUR EYES.

TA-DA.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YOU FALL, BOO-BOO?
DID YOU--

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

GORKY, YOU TAKE GOOD CARE
OF LORD MONTAGUE

WHILE WE'RE AWAY
ON CHRISTMAS BREAK.

YOU SLEEPY?

LET'S JUST TUCK YOU
IN HERE.

NOW GIVE ME
A KISS GOODBYE.

[SQUAWKS]

OW! SHIT!

OH, MY GOD.

I REALLY HATE
THIS ROOSTER.

[MONTY]
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
CHRIST!

SO HOW'S THE ANKLE?

GOOD.

SO YOU'LL BE
RACING ME SOON?

I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER
REALLY CATCH UP TO YOU.

COURT, LET'S GO.
BYE, MONTY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

SO WHY DON'T YOU
COME HOME WITH ME?

SEE THE BIG APPLE,

LET MY FOUR BROTHERS
BEAT YOU UP.

I DON'T THINK
I'D BE GOOD COMPANY.

WELL, I KNOW THAT.

THE MAID'S OFF
FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

WE COULD USE SOMEONE TO DO
A LITTLE LIGHT CLEANING.

NOTHING BIG.
FLOOR-TO-CEILING WINDOWS

THAT SHOULD SPARKLE
FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR BOYFRIEND?

ISN'T, UH, ISN'T
THREE A CROWD?

THE FACE?

HE WON'T BE THERE.
I DON'T BRING SEX HOME.

RIGHT. I FORGOT.

LISTEN, I'D LOVE TO MAKE
YOUR WINDOWS SPARKLE...

BUT I GOT TO WORK.

[JEFF]
COURTNEY, COME ON!

IF ANYTHING CHANGES,
JUST GIVE ME A CALL, O.K.?

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HI, MOM. IT'S ME.

FINE.

I KNOW. I'M REALLY
DISAPPOINTED, TOO.

I JUST--I'VE GOT
TOO MUCH WORK TO DO.

I--

IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

NO. MOM--

I'LL CALL YOU
ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, O.K.?

ALL RIGHT?

O.K.

O.K.

I LOVE YOU.

BYE.

DO YOU LOVE ME, GORKY?

GORKY...

ARE YOU AND EVERETT
SLEEPING TOGETHER?

I THOUGHT SO.

I'M TALKING TO A CHICKEN.

[SQUAWKS]

AAH!

* JACK FROST
NIPPING AT YOUR NOSE *

* YULETIDE CAROLS *

* BEING SUNG BY A CHOIR *

* AND FOLKS DRESSED UP
LIKE ESKIMOS *

* EVERYBODY KNOWS *

* A TURKEY
AND SOME MISTLETOE *

* HELP TO MAKE
THE SEASON BRIGHT *

* TINY TOTS *

* WITH THEIR EYES
ALL AGLOW *

* WILL FIND IT
HARD TO SLEEP *

* TONIGHT **

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SIMON.

ARE YOU HARVARD?

UM...THAT'S
MY BLANKET.

IT'S SIMON'S.

HE GAVE IT TO ME
FOR KEEPING THIS SAFE.

I'M TO GIVE THIS TO YOU
AND A MESSAGE.

HE SAID YOU'D GIVE ME
SOMETHING TO EAT.

HE SAID IT SHOULDN'T
BE ROUGHAGE.

YEAH. COME ON IN.

HA-HAVE A SEAT. I--

I WAS HAVING
A SANDWICH.

IS, UH...

HAM AND CHEESE O.K.?

YEAH,
W-WITH MUSTARD.

SO WHAT'S THE MESSAGE?

OH...DON'T YOU
WANT THIS?

SIMON SAID YOU'D THINK
CHRIST DIED FOR THIS.

JUST LEAVE IT
ON THE TABLE.

SO, UH...

WHAT'S HIS MESSAGE?

NOW, I--I GOT
TO GET THIS RIGHT.

NOW, THIS IS
SIMON WILDER'S MESSAGE.

"YOU SHALL NO LONGER
TAKE THINGS

"AT SECOND
OR THIRD HAND,

"NOR LOOK THROUGH
THE EYES OF THE DEAD,

"NOR FEED
ON THE SPECTERS
IN BOOKS.

"YOU SHALL NOT LOOK
THROUGH MY EYES EITHER,

"NOR TAKE THINGS
FROM ME.

"YOU SHALL LISTEN
TO ALL SIDES

AND FILTER THEM
FROM YOURSELF."

THAT'S IT.

I DID IT PERFECT.

WHY DIDN'T HE
COME HIMSELF?

IS HE O.K.?

HE'S FINE.

WHERE IS HE?

HE DOESN'T WANT
TO SEE YOU.

I DON'T WANT
TO BOTHER HIM,

BUT I WANT TO
MAKE SURE HE HAS
SOMEPLACE TO STAY.

AS LONG AS YOU UNDERSTAND
HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU,

I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY
HE'S AT ST. PETER'S
CHURCH SHELTER.

IS THAT
A GOOD SHELTER?

WELL, YEAH.
IT'S JUST GREAT.

WELL, GOOD.

GOOD.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[KNOCK KNOCK]

HELLO. UH, WHERE'S
THE MEN'S SHELTER?

SHELTER? HERE?

YEAH.

THERE'S NO SHELTER
HERE.

YOU SURE?

WORKED HERE
FOR 32 YEARS.

I OUGHT TO KNOW.

CLOSEST THING
TO A SHELTER
AROUND HERE

IS OVER THERE
IN THE ALLEY.

THANK YOU.

[COUGH COUGH]

LEAVE THAT ALONE.

[COUGHING]

[COUGH COUGH]

SIMON.

SIMON.

[COUGH COUGH]

HEY.

HEY, HEY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I'M TAKING YOU
TO THE HOSPITAL.

NO. NO HOSPITAL. UH-UH.

YOU'RE SICK.

NO HOSPITAL.

LISTEN. LISTEN.

YOU GOT TO
PROMISE ME...

NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS...

NO HOSPITAL.

SIMON, YOU'RE SICK.

NO LIES!

[COUGH]

JUST PROMISE.

[COUGH COUGH]

DAMN IT!

[COUGH COUGH]

O.K., I PROMISE.

O.K.?

ALL RIGHT.

O.K.

[COUGH COUGH]

COME ON.

HEY, YOU'RE AWAKE.

BREAKFAST.

HERE. EAT UP.

YOU ARE SEEING
A DOCTOR THIS AFTERNOON.

IS THIS YOUR ROOM,
HARVARD?

NO, THIS IS BOZ' ROOM.

BUT, UM...

IT'S YOUR ROOM NOW.

HERE.

WHAT'S THIS FOR?

THE DOOR.

YOU CAN COME AND GO
AS YOU PLEASE.

NO WILD PARTIES.
I GOT WORK TO DO.

MY LUNGS, HARVARD.

I'LL BE O.K.
IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

IS IT SMOKING? IS...

ISN'T THAT
WHAT HAPPENED?

SMOKING, NO.

ASBESTOS.

IT WAS
IN THE SHIPYARDS
IN BALTIMORE.

IT WAS ON
THE MERCHANT SHIP,
TOO.

WE BREATHED IT WHEN
WE WERE BUILDING THEM,

AND WE BREATHED IT
WHEN WE SAILED THEM,

AND THEY KNEW IT.

THEY ALSO KNEW
THAT IT WOULD
TAKE 20 YEARS

TO KILL YOU.

MMM. AND THAT'S
WHY YOU QUIT.

MY LUNGS QUIT.

I DIDN'T QUIT.

I COULDN'T WORK.
THEY FIRED ME.

WELL, TRY AND GET
SOME REST.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND.

GOT YOUR THESIS BACK,
SO WHAT'S OUR DEAL?

WE DON'T NEED A DEAL.

WE HAVE TO HAVE
A DEAL, HARVARD.

I GOT TO PAY
MY OWN WAY.

HOW YOU GONNA
MANAGE THAT?

DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT GOVERNMENT
AT ALL, BOY?

I'M ENTITLED
TO DISABILITY BENEFITS.

I THINK
IT'S ABOUT TIME
I KISSED AND MADE UP

WITH MY GOOD OLD
UNCLE SAMMY.

THANKS, HARVARD.

I ASSUME
YOUR FATHER TOLD YOU
ABOUT HIS CONDITION.

HE'S NOT MY FATHER.

HE'S A FRIEND.

HE SAYS ASBESTOS
DID IT TO HIM.

ASBESTOSIS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

MR. WILDER WAS EXPOSED
MANY YEARS AGO.

THE LUNGS CAN'T EXPEL
THE FIBERS,

AND HE'S IN
THE FINAL STAGES.

YOU MEAN HE--
ISN'T IT TREATABLE...
AT ALL?

THERE'S NO TREATMENT
AT ANY STAGE.

BASICALLY, THE LUNGS
CAN'T TAKE IN AIR.

OFTEN THE PATIENT
SUCCUMBS TO PNEUMONIA,

OR THE STRAIN
ON THE HEART CAUSES
CARDIAC ARREST.

THERE'S REALLY
NOTHING TO DO
BUT WAIT.

I'M SORRY.

[SIMON]
HARVARD! DINNER'S SERVED!
GET IT DOWN HERE, BOY!

WELL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT? IT'S A MIRACLE
I CAN COOK?

EASY. YOU JUST TALK
A LITTLE FRENCHY
WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT.

I COULD USE A GOOD MEAL
BEFORE GETTING BACK
TO WORK.

WORK? IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE.
WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, DICK CLARK?

BESIDES, I GAVE YOU
YOUR THESIS.

YOU SHOULD BE FINISHED
BY NOW.

OH, I'M STARTING OVER.

YOU TOSSED IT?
THE WHOLE THING?

YEAH. GONE.

BOY, OH, BOY.
EAT UP.

WANT TO HEAR WHAT
THE NEW ONE'S ON?

NOPE. BEHOLD,
I DO NOT GIVE LECTURES

OR A LITTLE CHARITY.

WHEN I GIVE...
I GIVE MYSELF.

THIS IS GREAT.

YOU MUST
BE FEELING BETTER.

YOU WENT OUT
AND SHOPPED.

I DIDN'T GO OUT.

I EAT WHAT'S HANDY.

WASN'T HARD...

EXCEPT FOR THE PLUCKING.

PLUCKING?

MMM.

GORKY?

GORKY!

GORKY?

HAPPY NEW YEAR,
HARVARD.

HOLY SHIT!

YOU THINK SO?

LOOKS LIKE THE REGULAR
GARDEN VARIETY TO ME.

UH...

MONTY!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
SHUT THE DOOR.

BIG BABY.

NOW HE'LL PROBABLY
TELL EVERYBODY.

MONTY, HE IS
IN THE BATHROOM.

HI. WHEN'D
YOU GET BACK?

WHAT THE HELL
IS HE DOING IN THERE?

TAKING A DUMP?

THAT BOY DIDN'T GO
TO HARVARD FOR NOTHING.

[COURTNEY]
HONEY, I'M HOME!

HE GOES RIGHT NOW.

PEACE, CHILDREN.

MR. WILDER,
HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

I'M SORRY, JEFF,
BUT HE'S OUR NEW BOZ.

YEAH, THAT'S ME. BOZ.

I JUST FLEW IN
FROM BALI.

BOZ,
MY LONG-LOST BROTHER.

WHERE'S YOUR TAN,
MAN?

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.

HE'S GOT MONEY COMING IN
FROM SOCIAL SECURITY.

HE CAN PAY FOR RENT
AND EVEN KICK IN
FOR FOOD.

I HAVE THE FULL BACKING
OF THE UNITED STATES
GOVERNMENT.

COURTNEY.

* GOD LOVES AMERICANS *

* AND ALSO MEXICANS *

* AND RUSSIANS-- **

WILL YOU STOP SINGING?

SING A SONG EVERYDAY.
KEEP YOUR VOICES
HIGH AND GAY.

IF EVERYBODY
SINGS A SONG,

NEVER WILL
THE WORLD GO WRONG.

SO HE CAN'T CARRY A TUNE,
BUT CAN HE COOK?

DOES MADONNA
TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?

EVERETT.

DO SADDAM HUSSEIN
AND MUAMMAR KHADAFY

PULL EACH OTHER'S
TOFFEE?

YES! BUT I DON'T
DO WINDOWS.

O.K., YOU GOT FRIDAYS.

NO, NO. I WILL NOT
PUT UP WITH THIS.

THEN DON'T.

MR. WILDER
WILL COVER YOUR RENT.

GET OUT OF MY WAY, JEFF.

SHE'S RIGHT, BOY,

YOU BIG BABY.

I HAVE A COMPLAINT.

BOY, OH, BOY.
LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THIS.

MY VAN STILL
ISN'T FIXED.

THAT'S BECAUSE
I RAN OUT OF WINE.

[JEFF]
OH, MY GOD!

HE DIDN'T EVEN FLUSH!

[TOILET FLUSHING]

* BLUE SKIES *

* SMILIN' AT ME *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* DO I SEE *

* BLUE DAYS *

* ALL OF THEM GONE *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* FROM NOW ON *

* NEVER SAW THE SUN *

* SHININ' SO BRIGHT *

* NEVER SAW THINGS *

* GOIN' SO RIGHT *

* NOTICIN' THE DAYS *

* HURRYIN' BY *

* WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE *

* MY, HOW THEY FLY BY *

* BLUE DAYS *

* ALL OF THEM GONE *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* FROM NOW ON... *

IT'S THE IDES OF MARCH.

TO CELEBRATE,
WE HAVE A GUEST.

IS IT WHITMAN'S GHOST?

IS IT THE SLAYER
OF DRAGON PITKANNAN?

NO, IT'S...

THE BUM OF THE MONTH.

YOU'RE A WIDELY
TRAVELED MAN.

IN FACT,
YOU'RE AN EXPERT

ON LIVING COMFORTABLY
AWAY FROM HOME.

WOULD YOU SAY HARVARD
IS YOUR FAVORITE SPOT?

NO WAY...

JOSE.

NO?

WELL, WHAT'S
YOUR FAVORITE SPOT?

MY FAVORITE PLACE...

IS A LEPER COLONY
IN MOLOKAI.

A LEPER COLONY?

IN MOLOKAI.

WHY?

BECAUSE I WAS THE MOST
HANDSOME GUY THERE.

HEY, JEFF,
MAYBE MOLOKAI'S
WHERE YOU SHOULD GO.

[SNICKERS]

* BLUE SKIES *

* SMILIN' AT ME *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* DO I SEE *

* BLUE DAYS *

* ALL OF THEM GONE *

* NOTHIN' BUT BLUE SKIES *

* FROM NOW ON... **

IS THAT FRENCH TOAST?
I LOVE FRENCH TOAST.

EVEN IF IT'S MADE
BY MY HANDS?

YOU STILL INTERESTED?

AHH. DONE JUST RIGHT.

YOU PUT YOUR SOCKS
IN THE OVEN?

SURE. 250 DEGREES
FOR 5 MINUTES.

I LIKE MY TOES
TOASTY WARM.

YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANT SOME?

NOT NOW.

LITTLE SQUEAMISH
FOR SOMEBODY

WHO'S GOING TO
BECOME A DOCTOR,
AIN'T YA?

I'M NOT SQUEAMISH.

NO?

WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR
ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

GYNECOLOGIST.

THAT'S GOOD.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY
YOU'LL EVER GET

SOME YOUNG SWEET THING
TO DROP HER DRAWERS.

ARE YOU THE CASANOVA
OF SKID ROW?

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

YOU KNOW WHY
YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?

I LOOK
THE WAY YOU FEEL.

SO WHY DO YOU THINK
THE KIDS TEASE YOU?

THEY'RE JEALOUS
'CAUSE I'M SO HANDSOME.

WELL?

PITKANNAN'S
GOING TO IMPLODE.

WHY?

YOU'RE ATTACKING
HIS WHOLE BELIEF SYSTEM,
WEREN'T YOU?

THIS HAS NONE
OF HIS PESSIMISM.

"ADVANCES IN COMMUNICATION
AND TECHNOLOGY

"WILL EVENTUALLY ALLOW
THE UNITED STATES

TO ACCOMPLISH ITS DREAM
OF PURE DEMOCRACY."

THAT'S RIGHT.

INTERACTIVE CABLE'S
GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS PROVE IT.

IT'S CRAZY. IT'S GREAT.
I LOVE IT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
I'LL GET THIS DONE
IN FOUR WEEKS.

MAYBE PITKANNAN WILL
GIVE YOU AN EXTENSION.

NO. IF I DON'T
HAVE IT IN ON TIME,

I DON'T GRADUATE
WITH HONORS.

YOU CAN DO IT.

YOU HAVE CONFIDENCE
IN ME?

YES.

NO CRITICISM?

WELL, MAYBE ONE.

YOU'RE PERFECT.

WELL--AHEM--

I BETTER LET YOU
GET BACK TO WORK.

WE DON'T WANT YOU
GRADUATING WITHOUT HONORS.

[MOO]

GOODBYE, GORKY.

HELLO-O-O...
BESSIE!

THIS IS EVERETT CALLOWAY
WAKING YOU UP

ON A BEAUTIFUL
SUNDAY MORNING.

NEW PAJAMAS?

YOU LOOK GREAT.

A REGULAR FASHION PLATE.

[CHUCKLES]

OBITUARIES?

STUDYING UP
TO WRITE MINE.

I'M COPYING YOU,
HARVARD.

STUDY FIRST
AND THEN WRITE.

SOME OF THESE THINGS
ARE REALLY DEPRESSING.

LOOK AT THIS GUY
BARNEY MILSTEIN,

THE ONE WITH
THE THREE TACKS.

"BARNEY MILSTEIN.

"AGE 79.

"DIED SATURDAY.

"NO SURVIVORS.

NO SERVICES."

HOW COULD HE DIE?

HE DIDN'T LIVE.

I WANT YOU
TO READ MINE,

JUST WHAT
I GOT SO FAR, ANYWAY.

LATER.

I AIN'T FEELING
TOO GOOD, HARVARD.

I NEED
YOUR OPINION NOW.

"SIMON WILDER.

"BORN PORTLAND, MAINE,
1942.

SON OF HANK AND ANNA."

[TURNS PAGE]

"MARRIED 1962
TO LISA THORSTON.

FATHERED ONE SON
IN 1963."

"LEFT WIFE AND SON
IN 1963

TO JOIN
THE MERCHANT MARINE."

THAT'S AS FAR
AS I GOT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK THAT, UH,

YOU SHOULD PUT THINGS
IN YOUR OBITUARY

THAT YOU'RE PROUD OF.

I THOUGHT IT WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE FACTS.

YOU HAD A WIFE
AND A SON,

AND YOU LEFT THEM?

YEAH.

AND YOU NEVER
CAME BACK?

IT'S NOT SOMETHING
I'M PROUD OF,
HARVARD.

THAT'S COMFORTING.

UH...

DON'T YOU WANT
TO SEE HIM?

DO YOU THINK
HE'D FORGIVE ME?

EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.

WHAT DID YOUR FATHER
DO TO YOU
THAT WAS SO BAD?

WHAT DID HE DO?

HE ABANDONED MY MOTHER.

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

WHEN IT COMES
TO RELATIONSHIPS,

EVERYBODY'S
A USED CAR SALESMAN.

IS THAT YOUR PHILOSOPHY--

DON'T TRUST ANYONE?

NO. YOU GOTTA
TRUST PEOPLE.

YOU JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
IN THE WARRANTY.

THAT'S CUTE, SIMON.

THAT'S REALLY
CUTE BULLSHIT.

HARVARD...

YOU'D BE SURPRISED

HOW DIFFERENT
THE VIEW IS
ON THE WAY OUT

THAN ON THE WAY IN.

[BUGS BUNNY]
EH, WHAT'S UP, DOC?

HERE I AM.

OH, HELLO,
HELLO, HELLO.

CAN I SHUT THIS OFF?

JUST
A COTTON-PICKIN'--

I HAVE TWO INVITES

TO THE LYNX.

THIS CARD WILL ADMIT
YOU AND A GUEST

TO THE GREATEST BASH
OF THE YEAR.

FOR YOU AND THE FACE,
I PRESUME.

UGH! THAT MEANS
I'LL HAVE TO MAKE UP
WITH HIM AGAIN.

MONTY! WHERE IS HE?
IS HE UPSTAIRS?

TO THE LYNX?
GREAT! I'M READY.

I'M SORRY, JEFF.

I COULDN'T WORM
ANOTHER ONE OUT OF THEM.

HELLO.

FOR YOU,
LORD MONTAGUE.

GREAT.

THAT'S O.K.
MONTY'S A MONK.

HE'LL TAKE ME
AS HIS DATE.

SORRY, JEFF.
I'VE ALREADY
GOT A DATE.

YOU DO?

YEAH.

I'M TAKING SIMON.

SO, I GUESS I'LL
TAKE YOU, JEFF.

GREAT.

WHAT ABOUT THE FACE?

HE CAN FEND
FOR HIMSELF.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WEARING
ON YOUR DATE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW

BECAUSE MY EVENING GOWN

HASN'T COME BACK
FROM THE CLEANERS.

HONEY, HASN'T
ANYONE TOLD YOU?

LYNX IS
A PAJAMA PARTY.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

BOY, OH, BOY,
OH, BOY.

DID ANYBODY
EVER TELL YOU

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
MARILYN?

MONROE?

NO, SCHWARTZ.

HER FATHER
OWNS A DELI

WHERE WE GET
THIS KNOCKWURST
THAT'S THE BEST.

THERE'S A BOY
THAT KNOWS HOW
TO WEAR SILK.

HE'S COVERING
A TRAGIC BIRTHMARK.

AREN'T YOU
WHITMAN'S GHOST?

YOU'LL HARDLY KNOW
WHO I AM OR WHAT I MEAN.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE WITH ME.

AM I CRAMPING
YOUR STYLE?

LOOK AT HER.
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE.

AND YOU'RE
IN LOVE WITH HER.

SO WHAT?

SO WHAT?

YEAH. SO WHAT?

SO WHAT?

THAT'S EVERYTHING.

NOT TO HER
IT ISN'T.

SO PROVE HER WRONG.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO GET HER TO ADMIT

SHE'S WRONG
ABOUT ANYTHING.

THAT PROVES
SHE LOVES YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR?

"TO DRIVE FREE,
TO LOVE FREE,

"TO COURT DESTRUCTION
WITH TAUNTS,

"TO FEED
THE REMAINDER OF LIFE

"WITH ONE HOUR
OF FULLNESS AND FREEDOM,

"ONE BRIEF HOUR

OF MADNESS AND JOY."

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO DANCE?

UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T.

LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD
WITH THIS STAYIN' ALIVE
JUNK.

YES, I WOULD.
JUST A MINUTE.

DON'T LET HER
BE A REGRET.

IT'S WORSE THAN
BEING A LOSER.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
HONEY?

MARTY.

WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR, MARTY?

FRENCH.

[COURTNEY]
LEAVE ME ALONE!

JUST
FORGET ABOUT IT!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HEY, BABY.
DON'T BE THAT WAY!

YOU'RE ALWAYS
TELLING ME HOW TO ACT!

I'M TIRED OF YOU
TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!

SUCH A JERK.

* I REACH IN SLOWLY *

* JUST LIKE I WAS BLIND *

* I HEAR VOICES *

* THAT I DON'T
RECOGNIZE... **

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ENDING OUR FRIENDSHIP.

[THUMP]

COURTNEY.

HMM?

WAKE UP.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?

SIMON.

[COUGHING]

DO YOU THINK
THERE'S A HELL?

WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM
TO A HOSPITAL.

NO.

I PROMISED HIM.

I DIDN'T WANT
TO BE ALONE.

[THUNDER]

I'LL GO GET YOU
SOME WATER, O.K.?

THANKS.

HEY, COULD YOU, UH,

WOULD YOU...

JUST SIT HERE
FOR A WHILE?

HEY...

COME ON.

YOU ALWAYS BOUNCE BACK.

YEAH.

WHEN I WAS KID,
I HAD A DOG,

A FUNNY-LOOKING
THING--

ORANGE HAIR,
BIG EARS...

SKINNY BODY.

HE USED TO LOVE
TO CHASE CARS.

HE GOT RUN OVER
THREE TIMES.

HE NEVER REALLY
GOT HURT.

HE'D GO HIDE
UNDER THE COUCH

FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

WHEN HE CAME OUT,

HE'D GO RIGHT BACK
TO CHASING CARS AGAIN.

EVENTUALLY,
HE GOT OLD AND SICK.

GOD, WAS HE UGLY.

TOWARDS THE END,

HE WENT OFF IN THE WOODS
TO DIE ALONE.

HE LAID ON
A PILE OF LEAVES

PERFECTLY STILL.

YOU COULDN'T MOVE HIM.

IF YOU TRIED
TO TOUCH HIM,

HE'D SNAP AT YOU.

HERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

I'M SCARED.

HEY, I'M HERE.

MONTY, IF I GET
THROUGH TONIGHT,

WOULD YOU DRIVE ME
SOMEPLACE TOMORROW?

YEAH. SURE.

TOMORROW?

YEAH, TOMORROW.

TOMORROW'S FINE.

I WANT
TO SEE MY SON...

JUST ONCE.

WHAT ABOUT HIS THESIS?
DID HE HAND IT IN?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S DUE TODAY.
HE KNOWS.

EVERETT,
LET'S GO!

FINISHED MY THESIS.

IT'S NOT SO GREAT,
BUT IT'S DONE.

CONGRATULATIONS.
EVERETT!

YES!

SO...
WHAT ABOUT YOURS?

DID YOU
HAND IT IN ALREADY?

NOT DONE.
I'VE GOT TO TYPE UP
A BIBLIOGRAPHY.

YOU'LL BE ON THE ROAD.
HOW WILL YOU FINISH IT?

I GUESS I WON'T.

DID PITKANNAN
GIVE YOU AN EXTENSION?

NO.

MONTY...

CAN I COME?

YEAH.

* I MUST BE GOIN' *

* KISS ME GOODBYE *

* ALL THE COLORS
ARE CHANGIN' *

TURN IT AROUND.

* THERE'S A TEAR
IN MY EYE *

NO, THE OTHER WAY.

* AND I'M GOIN' FREE *

* FOR THE REST
OF MY LIFE *

* AND I NEVER GO RUNNIN' *

* ON THE WRONG SIDE *

* OH-OH *

* OH-OH-OH-OH *

* I NEVER GO RUNNIN' *

* ON THE WRONG SIDE **

HELLO,
UH, MR. WILDER.

UH, MY NAME'S
MONTY KESSLER.

I'M A STUDENT
AT HARVARD.

I GUESS IT WAS ABOUT
THREE MONTHS AGO

I MET YOUR FATHER,

AND HE'S IN THAT VAN.

HE WANTS TO SEE YOU.

I DON'T HAVE A FATHER.

PLEASE. HE'S VERY ILL.

HE JUST WANTS TO SEE YOU
FOR A FEW MINUTES.

I DON'T WANT
TO SEE HIM.

HE'S DYING.

PLEASE, JUST WALK OVER
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

SAY HELLO,
LET HIM LOOK AT YOU,

AND THEN WE'LL GO,

AND YOU NEVER
HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

O.K.

IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT FROM ME?

I JUST WANTED
TO LOOK AT YOU.

FINE.

HAVE A LOOK.

YOU SEEN ENOUGH?

YOU LOOK GOOD.

I'M YOUR FATHER.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE MUCH.

UM...

I WAS WRONG...

AND I'M SORRY.

YEAH, YOU WERE WRONG...

AND I DON'T CARE
ABOUT YOUR BEING SORRY.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

DADDY...

WHO IS THAT MAN?

THAT'S NOBODY, BABY.

THAT'S NOBODY.

[SCREEN DOOR CLOSES]

AHEM.

STOP THE CAR!

STOP THE CAR HERE!

RIGHT HERE!

STOP!

[JEFF]
HE'S TAKING
A LEAK, RIGHT?

THE DOG.

SIMON, GET BACK
IN THE VAN.

GET BACK--

[WHEEZING]

SIMON--SIMON...

SIMON...

YOU'RE NOT A DOG.

[LABORED BREATHING]

"I AM OF OLD AND YOUNG,

"OF THE FOOLISH
AS MUCH AS THE WISE.

"REGARDLESS OF OTHERS,

"EVER REGARDFUL OF OTHERS,

"MATERNAL
AS WELL AS PATERNAL.

"A CHILD
AS WELL AS A MAN,

"STUFFED WITH THE STUFF
THAT IS COARSE,

"AND STUFFED WITH THE STUFF
THAT IS FINE.

"ONE OF THE NATION
OF MANY NATIONS,

"THE SMALLEST THE SAME...

"AND THE LARGEST
THE SAME.

"I DEPART AS AIR.

"I SHAKE MY WHITE LOCKS
AT THE RUNAWAY SUN.

"I EFFUSE MY FLESH
IN EDDIES

"AND DRIFT IT
IN LACY JAGS.

"I BEQUEATH MYSELF
TO THE DIRT...

"TO GROW
FROM THE GRASS I LOVE.

"IF YOU WANT ME AGAIN,

"LOOK FOR ME
UNDER YOUR BOOT SOLES.

"YOU WILL HARDLY KNOW
WHO I AM OR WHAT I MEAN,

"BUT I SHALL BE
GOOD HEALTH TO YOU,
NEVERTHELESS,

"AND FILTER
AND FIBER YOUR BLOOD.

"FAILING TO FETCH ME
AT FIRST, KEEP ENCOURAGED.

"MISSING ME ONE PLACE,
SEARCH ANOTHER.

I STOP SOMEWHERE
WAITING FOR YOU."

OH, GOD.

SIMON?

[CRYING]

SIMON WROTE
HIS OWN OBITUARY,

AND HE ASKED ME
TO READ IT.

"SIMON B. WILDER
BIT IT ON WEDNESDAY."

[LAUGHS]

"HE SAW THE WORLD
OUT OF THE PORTHOLE

"OF A LEAKY FREIGHTER,

"WAS A COLLECTOR
OF MEMORIES,

AND INTERRUPTED A LECTURE
AT HARVARD."

"IN 50 YEARS
ON EARTH,

HE DID ONLY ONE THING
HE REGRETTED."

"HE'S SURVIVED
BY HIS FAMILY--

"JEFF HAWKES...

WHO ALWAYS
REMEMBERS TO FLUSH..."

"EVERETT CALLOWAY,

WHO KNOWS HOW
TO USE WORDS..."

"COURTNEY BLUMENTHAL...

"WHO IS STRONG

AND ALSO
KNOWS HOW TO LOVE..."

"AND MONTGOMERY KESSLER..."

"WHO WILL GRADUATE LIFE
WITH HONOR...

AND WITHOUT REGRET."

MR. KESSLER.

A THESIS ADVISOR,

I HAVE ALWAYS PRESUMED,

IS SUPPOSED
TO GIVE ADVICE,

ESPECIALLY ON
THE IDEA OF A THESIS.

I'M SORRY.

I MEANT YOU
NO DISRESPECT.

I CHANGED IT
BECAUSE I HAD TO WRITE
ABOUT SOMETHING

THAT I REALLY
BELIEVED IN.

YOUR NEW IDEA IS...
NAIVE IS A KIND WORD.

FOOLISHLY OPTIMISTIC
MIGHT BE MORE THE TRUTH.

ARE YOU WITHDRAWING
AS MY ADVISOR?

NO, I'M NOT WITHDRAWING
MY ENDORSEMENT.

I DON'T AGREE WITH

WHAT YOUR BRAIN
HAS PRODUCED,

BUT I...

I ADMIRE
ITS INDEPENDENCE.

NOT MANY PEOPLE
AGREE WITH MY IDEAS,
EITHER.

BUT I DO REGRET,

THAT BECAUSE
OF YOUR LATENESS,

YOU HAVE NO CHANCE
TO GRADUATE WITH HONORS.

THANK YOU, SIR,
FOR BEING A TRUE MENTOR.

GOOD LUCK...

MONTY.

"SHERRY KENDRIGAN,

ECONOMICS."

"ANASTASIA KINNSMAN,

"MAGNA CUM LAUDE,

"ROMANCE LANGUAGES.

"CHRISTINE KERWEIN,

"MAGNA CUM LAUDE,

"ENGLISH.

"MONTGOMERY KESSLER,

"GOVERNMENT.

"ROBERT KEISWETTER,

"SUMMA CUM LAUDE,

ECONOMICS..."

* MAY GOD BLESS
AND KEEP YOU ALWAYS *

* MAY YOUR WISHES
ALL COME TRUE *

* MAY YOU ALWAYS
DO FOR OTHERS... *

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE CLASS OF 1994.

WHOO!WHOO!
WHOO!

* MAY YOUR HEART
ALWAYS BE JOYFUL *

* MAY YOUR SONG
ALWAYS BE SUNG *

* MAY YOU STAY *

* FOREVER YOUNG *

* MAY YOU STAY *

* FOREVER YOUNG **

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING
INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1994
WARNER BROS.

* SAY GOODBYE *

* TO NOT KNOWING WHEN *

* THE TRUTH IN MY *

* WHOLE LIFE BEGAN *

* SAY GOODBYE *

* TO NOT KNOWIN' HOW *

* TO CRY *

* YOU TAUGHT ME THAT *

* AND I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE STRENGTH
THAT YOU GAVE ME *

* NOW THAT I'M STANDIN' *

* ON MY OWN *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE WAY
THAT YOU SAVED ME *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* INSIDE *

* I WAS A CHILD *

* THAT COULD NOT MEND *

* A BROKEN WING *

* OUTSIDE *

* I'LL LOOK FOR A WAY *

* TO TEACH MY HEART
TO SING *

* AND I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE LOVE
THAT YOU GAVE ME *

* NOW THAT I'M STANDIN' *

* ON MY OWN *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE WAY
THAT YOU CHANGED ME *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* I LEARN *

* TO LET GO *

* OF THE ILLUSION *

* THAT WE CAN POSSESS *

* I LEARN *

* TO LET GO *

* I TRAVEL IN STILLNESS *

* AND I REMEMBER *

* HAPPINESS *

* I REMEMBER *

* I REMEMBER *

* MMM-MMM MMM-MMM *

* I REMEMBER *

* MMM-MMM MMM-MMM *

* AND I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE LOVE
THAT YOU GAVE ME *

* NOW THAT I'M STANDIN' *

* ON MY OWN *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE WAY
THAT YOU CHANGED ME *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* THOUGH I'VE NEVER BEEN
AFRAID TO CRY *

* NOW I FINALLY HAVE
A REASON WHY *

* MMM-MMM *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* I'LL REMEMBER *

* NEVER NEVER BEEN
AFRAID TO CRY *

* NOW I FINALLY HAVE
A REASON WHY *

* MMM-MMM *

* REMEMBER **