All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s02e13 President Trump.eng

The Carmichael Show is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Ugh! Why is Donald Trump
even in North Carolina?

Hey, Maxine, can you turn
that down for a minute?

I got to ask you something.

Why are people even going to his rally?

It's-it makes me want
to move to another state.

- Maxine.
- What?!

Sorry, it was just my
outrage for Trump talking.

What were you asking me?

We got any more orange juice?

Seriously? That's what
you're gonna ask me?

Just check the fridge.

Uh, okay.

Oh, also I was gonna ask...

what do you think about me
asking you to marry me?

Wait, what?

What-what are you saying?

Are you proposing to me?

Maxine, you got the kind with the pulp!

I mean, if I wanted chunks in my
juice, I'd just eat an orange.

Okay, Jerrod, Jerrod, wait, focus.

Did you just ask me to marry you?

What? Oh, well, no, no.

No, I mean, not yet.

Um, I'm thinking about it though.

I wanted to talk it through first.

Uh, what do you think?

I mean, I figure we're
not getting any younger,

and this single life was
starting to take its toll on me.

Okay, Jerrod, you're not single.

- We've been together for two years.
- Look, Maxine.

Either you're married or you're single.

I've never seen a box on a W-2

that asks if I had strong
feelings for someone.

(scoffs) Did you drink
all the orange juice?

Wait, seriously, we're-we're
having a moment right now,

and you're gonna talk
about orange juice?

- Look...
- What's going on?

Maxine, don't worry about
the semantics of the moment.

I love you.

And marriage is on the table.

So what up?

Well, I love you too.

But I haven't heard you
actually ask me anything,

so...

what up?

Look...

girl...

When we first met,

all I wanted to do was
have sex with you.

And I thought that was it.

But then we had sex.

And I couldn't stop thinking
about you, and I was like,

"Man, why can't I stop
thinking about this girl?"

And that's when I knew.

'Cause that's what love is, Maxine...

when you finish, but
you still want to stay.

Was that you asking me?

Yeah.

So again...

what up?

Uh, well...

I guess I'm in?

Yeah? Cool.

Yeah.

Wow. Well, I can't wait to tell
my friends this touching story.

All right, well, look,
don't say anything.

We got to break the
news to my mom first.

This what we're gonna do.

You got to bring her in
early, make her feel

like she's a part of the
decision-making process.

That's how you manipulate people.

You got a lot to learn.

Wait.

Hold on. You and I
just had a conversation

about marriage without you actually

asking me to marry you.

You just did that same thing to me.

I know, and it worked. See?

You said yes, so let's go
manipulate my mom together.

I love you, baby.

? ?

? ?

Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

When is Dad back
from the butcher's shop?

How long does it take?

We got something to tell you.

He'll stare in those cases for hours.

He says seeing all those
slaughtered animals

reminds him of man's
dominance on the Earth.

And if you criticize him, he'll say,

"Remember, Cynthia,

all these animals would kill
you first if they had thumbs."

Look, maybe we should just
break the news to my mom.

I think that we need
to wait for your dad,

'cause he's the only one that likes me.

Children, gather round!

Where's your mama? I need
her to gather round.

Cynthia, gather round!

I got a story!

CYNTHIA: I'm here, Joe.

Well, come on, gather round.

All right, today I had

a truly once-in-a-lifetime
experience at the butcher shop.

I was perusing the fine meats...
which reminded me

of my dominance over all
the beasts in the field...

and this... this man,
he came to me in a navy suit,

and he asked me: would I like
to shake Donald Trump's hand?

Oh, God. Please don't say you
shook Donald Trump's hand.

Wait, you don't know what happens.

Nah, she's right, I did.

I shook Donald Trump's hand.

You ruined a perfectly
good "gather round."

Wait a minute, are you sure
it was Donald Trump, Dad?

You know how you guys get
middle-aged white men mixed up.

I don't care what you say, Jerrod.

That was Kurt Russell at that car wash.

Yeah, it was Trump all right.

He's in town for a rally,

and he was popping in to
some of the local businesses

trying to meet real Americans.

We all know ain't nobody
more real and more American

than Joe Carmichael.

Here's a picture of us in
front of the veal cutlets.

Wow.

How could you allow yourself
to get used like that, Joe?

This is obviously just a
photo op for his campaign.

He wants it to look

like black people would
actually vote for him.

Maxine, you got to understand
something about me.

I don't vote by race.

I don't vote by party.

I just look at the candidates,
and I pick the one

that I think's gonna
make the best president.

Joe Carmichael is making
America great again.

Joe, you cannot vote for Trump.

No Trump. Never Trump.

He's just... (laughs)

I just...

I can't.

Why?

Okay, all right, Maxine, just breathe.

Uh, please just tell me you're joking.

No, I don't joke about voting,
and I vote for everything.

Even comptroller, and I don't
even know what that is.

But I do know I don't like the
job that Tommy Liu is doing.

Oh, don't get me started on Tommy Liu.

It's like he's not even
trying to "comptrol."

Okay, well, if we can stop talking

about politics for one minute...

No, no, no, now, there are
two rules in this house.

No voting for Donald Trump,

and no touching my Dove
body wash with microbeads.

Now, Cynthia, I love you,
and I respect you,

but you can't tell me
who I can vote for,

and you can't tell me
not to use your body wash.

You're not the only one up in
here that needs to exfoliate.

Or would you rather I shed
my skin in bed like a snake?

CYNTHIA: Joe. Joe.

Do you really want an orange president

with little tiny baby hands?

Look, we're here because
Maxine and I have some news.

Now what's wrong with being orange?

Why you got to make this racial?

I think he looks like a
beautiful tropical sunset.

(sighs)

Okay, Joe, this man could be
the leader of our country.

The-the fate of the world
could rest in his hands,

and he's talking about building walls

and exporting citizens.

He very well could be the next Hitler.

Well, there it is.

Can we get through one election season

without somebody being called Hitler?

Trump is not Hitler, okay?

You can't get that far
in New York real estate

without support from Jewish people.

Look, if we're being honest,
we just can't judge a president

by what they did before
they got into politics.

What? That is all we can judge them on.

Ronald Reagan was an actor.

He literally lied to
people for a living,

and we made him president.

Uh, Obama was a community organizer,

and if we're being
honest with ourselves,

what the hell was that?

I always wondered about it,

but I didn't want to rock the boat.

George W. Bush, it-it was
basically his first job.

It's like his parents were like,

"You got to get off the
couch and do something,"

and then he became president
of the United States.

All right, Joe, give me the best reason

that you are voting for Trump.

Well, first, see, he wants to...

And don't say "make
American great again."

Well, second, see, he wants to, um...

bring all the jobs home,

and he wants to build up the military

and take care of our veterans.

He said Senator McCain
wasn't a war hero

because he was captured.

That's like saying JFK
got what he deserved

for showing off in a convertible.

Mmm, I mean, you could say that, but...

...everybody's gonna hate you for it.

Okay, Maxine, since you
got all the answers,

tell me who you voting for.

Bernie Sanders.

(laughs)

He is the only honest
candidate in the race.

We're starting a revolution.

(laughs)

Bernie Sanders?

At least my guy stands a chance.

So the leader of your revolution
is a 74-year-old man?

"Vote for Bernie Sanders.

He'll rebel till 6:30 p.m."

(laughs)

(laughs)

(sighs)

Uh, Maxine, I thought you
were voting for Hillary.

Aren't you a feminist?

Yeah, I am, but I'm not just
gonna blindly vote for a woman.

I mean, Sarah Palin is a woman.

Should we be voting for her?

Maxine, I thought we were having

an intelligent political conversation.

(chuckles) You know what's crazy?

Sometimes I forget
Hillary's even running.

What? She's the most
qualified candidate.

She was a senator, uh,
she's secretary of state

and First Lady.

I know, it's crazy to be that popular

and that forgettable at the same time.

She's like, uh... uh, she's
kind of like a Toyota Camry.

Maxine, can't we just
let Hillary have this one?

I mean, she's been through so much.

No, the presidency is
not a consolation prize.

And, uh... it's about issues.

Maxine, just be honest.

You don't like Hillary

'cause you don't like
the way she talks.

No, it's the issues.

And the "how she talks."

She's boring, Jerrod.

And for some reason,
she dresses like a character

from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Which most Trekkies feel
is the best Star Trek.

And I don't even know why
we're talking about Hillary

when your dad over here wants
to vote for the next Hitler.

Uh-oh, what did Hitler do this time?

Oh, my God, Nekeisha,
please don't tell me

you are voting for Trump too.

Hell no, I'm feeling the Bern.

Nekeisha, you are literally wearing

a Donald Trump T-shirt right now.

Boy, I'm trying to get this money, okay?

We selling these at his rally.

BOBBY: See, on election day,

I go in the booth and
just go with my gut,

'cause everybody lying anyway.

Did you know they got speech writers?

Think about that, huh?

That's not even their words.

You get kicked out of school for that.

But when a politician does it,
everybody clap for 'em.

(laughs dryly) But not me,
not Bobby Carmichael.

Joe, you voting for Trump?

Let me show you my extensive catalog.

Oh, damn it, Nekeisha.

I told you to stop dragging
around that garbage bag.

We look like a homeless couple.

Boy, if we don't sell
the stuff in this bag,

we will be a homeless couple.

Okay, okay, enough about Trump.

So Jerrod and I came
here 'cause we wanted

to tell you something.

I will take one of these,

and I'll proudly display
it on the front lawn.

- No.
- Oh, no, Joe.

You are not putting that on my lawn.

I don't want people thinking

some Tea Party one-percenters
are living in this house.

Ma, there's a beat-up washing
machine in the driveway.

I'm sure nobody's gonna think that.

Cynthia, we made a deal.

The inside is yours,
and the outside is mine.

You chose this couch, the curtains,

all these stupid pictures of our boys

dressed up in they stupid outfits,

but the outside, that's where I'm king.

He who mows the lawn gets to
choose what goes on that lawn.

No. No, Joe, you're not
gonna bully Cynthia

into being able to put
that sign outside.

It's embarrassing.

I don't know, Maxine.

I don't want to mow that lawn.

MAXINE: Okay, does anyone else hear

how crazy Joe sounds?

'Cause he's crazy.

This is... this is crazy.

He's crazy.

Are you saying I'm crazy?

All right, all right.

Everybody, let's all just
agree to hate Ted Cruz

and eat some barbecue.

What y'all say about that?

No, I'm going to this Trump rally,

and y'all should come with me,

instead of staying here,
sitting on the couch,

criticizing me, judging me.

The least you can do is get informed.

(scoffs) I already know
what I need to know.

Well, of course you do, know-it-all.

"Know-it-all"?

Yeah, we call you that sometimes.

Usually behind your back,

because it's more polite.

You know what your problem is?

My problem is you voting for Trump.

And, you know, I'm not gonna
let you put this stupid sign

out in front of your house.

So...

(grunts)

You finished?

Well, now I am.

Maxine, you know what your problem is?

You say you're open-minded,

but if anybody doesn't agree with you,

you call them stupid.

And that's gonna cause a lot of
problems in your personal life.

Now, if I'm being honest,

it's gonna cause a
whole lot of problems

in this relationship
with you and Jerrod.

Well, I didn't know you felt that way.

Jerrod, honey.

JERROD: Don't worry, Mom.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

Who?

I just wanted to know if you
were gonna stay for dinner,

see how many steaks
to put on the grill.

Who is your dad to say that our
relationship isn't gonna work?

Well, Maxine, he was angry.

And you were angry.

The whole fight got out of hand.

Well, I'm sorry, it's just
Trump makes me so mad.

Well, here it comes again. Ugh.

Look, all I know is that we were
supposed to go over there

and tell my parents we got engaged,

and then you ended up yelling at my dad.

He yelled at me.

Yeah, well, you were supposed

to be the rational one.

That's why I'm engaged to
you and not my father.

Well, that and the whole incest thing,

and the fact that I'm straight.

It's a pretty big age gap, too.

Okay, Jerrod, why didn't
you stand up for me

when your dad was
saying all that stuff?

All I know is that my dad
said he was voting for Trump,

and then you called him crazy.

Because people who vote
for Trump are crazy.

Let me list a few other people
who are also voting for Trump.

Charlie Sheen, Pete Rose, Mike Tyson.

All very successful in their fields.

So maybe you should be
down at that Trump rally,

because you're so open to new ideas.

Well, look, Maxine, all I'm
saying is true democracy

isn't just listening to people
you already agree with.

You got to hear both sides.

Uh, uh, Abraham Lincoln

populated his cabinet with
people who disagree with him

because he knew the answer was
always someplace in the middle.

So maybe if we go down
to that Trump rally,

my dad will appreciate the gesture.

And maybe he'll even go to,
like, a Bernie rally with you.

And then we'll all be informed.

That's true democracy in action.

(sighs)

Yeah, I'm not going.

Seriously?

You know what, just-just go, Jerrod.

And while you're out there,
you can decide whether or not

you want to marry someone
you think is so close-minded.

Uh, you know, fine, I will go, Maxine.

But just know you should
be ashamed of yourself,

because I just gave an amazing speech.

If Abraham Lincoln heard that speech,

he would have freed me first.

Dad.

How come democracy hurts so much?

Well, sometimes you get stabbed
at a Trump rally, son.

(sighs) Jerrod, are you okay?

Yeah.

You know, these things happen, Maxine.

Do my best to soldier through.

I believe it was Medgar
Evers who once said....

Okay, Jerrod, you were
only stabbed a little.

Don't you worry, it's gonna be okay.

Your mama's here, baby.

Joe, this should have been you.

What?

You supposed to protect him.

You've lived your life.

Okay, see, I knew something
like this was gonna happen

at a Trump rally.

All of his supporters are
just out of control.

Now, wait a minute, you don't know

that Jerrod was stabbed
by a Trump supporter.

There were other protesters there too,

getting people all riled up.

Now, why do you go to a
man's event and boo him?

I heard that that, uh, Bruno
Mars was in town not a week ago.

I don't care for him.
Don't like his music.

But I didn't go boo him.

No, I let that little Hawaiian
man do his little concert

and dance his little
Hawaiian-man dance.

This is 100% Trump's fault.

He encourages violence.

And the only reason Jerrod was
down there was 'cause of you.

You may as well have
stabbed him yourself.

Oh, there you go pointing fingers again.

Okay, will the both
of you just shut up!

Your fighting is the reason

my baby is in this bed
clinging to his life.

Look, everybody is just too angry.

We're supposed to be able to
have constructive conversations

about politics without it devolving

into yelling or name-calling.

There needs to be some
middle ground here.

And if it takes me getting
stabbed to unite you two,

then I guess that's just what
had to happen, all right?

I got stabbed so you guys
could live in peace.

So you guys could heal.

I'm the Jesus of this story.

- No.
- Yeah, not happening.

Are you two just gonna ignore

my son's dying wish?

Today was supposed to go
perfectly, all right?

We were supposed to go over,
eat some barbecue,

and I was gonna tell you that
Maxine and I got engaged.

It was a very romantic morning.

Engaged?

Well, you bring it in here,
you little socialist. Come on.

(laughing)

(groans loudly)

All right.

Trump's still an idiot,
but you give the best hugs.

Aw, well, that political argument

got a little out of hand.

Maxine is our family.
Maxine is our family.

Maxine is our family.

I heard that if you repeat
things, it gets better.

They were wrong.

So, when's the big day?

Well, I mean, it just happened...
we don't know yet.

Let me see the ring.

Well, there is no ring.

Why isn't there a ring?

(stammering): W-Well,
we're not that type of couple.

Mm, we'll talk about this later.

CYNTHIA: So...

the big news is that...
nothing has changed.

You two are just telling us
that you had a conversation.

Yeah, but it was

a pretty big conversation.

I think it was a pretty big deal.

Son, I think you need to sit back

and examine your day so far.

Now, I shook the hand
of the future president

of the United States.

You broke up a fight
and got yourself stabbed.

Now, this little engagement news,

that's, like, number three on the list.

Yeah. If it had happened yesterday,

it would have been huge news.

(laughs): I didn't do
nothin' yesterday.

Are you kidding me right now?

This means nothing to you guys?

I mean, Ma, you showed more emotion

when Maxine said she
wasn't voting for Hillary.

Yeah, well, that's gonna change
the country for eight years,

but this marriage is just...

statistically speaking, uh...

Oh, I ain't gonna say nothin'.

(Cynthia chuckling)

Congratulations!

Okay. Jerrod,

you get the pick of the first steak,

because... you got stabbed.

Most recently.

Can y'all believe how hot
it is outside today?

Mm, global warming.

Well, who knows?

Yeah, who knows?

Although it has been
scientifically proven.

Global warming was made
by and for the Chinese

to make U.S. manufacturing
noncompetitive!

Oh, do you know how stupid you sound?

Oh, no, I want us, I want to
help the little polar bears

I never even seen before.

You know, they would kill us, Maxine

- if you gave them half a chance.
- Oh God, the Chinese!

Do you hear him? Do you?

- Do you hear her?
- Sorry...

All right, I'm out. Maxine
enjoy your new family.

See you all in November.

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