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1
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The Carmichael Show is taped in
front of a live studio audience.
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- Hey.
- Hey.
3
00:00:06,261 --> 00:00:09,330
Are y'all at that age where you
just stare out the window now?
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00:00:09,419 --> 00:00:12,021
We trying to get our first
look at the new neighbors.
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This is what you used to do, Jerrod,
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before you got that Internet.
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Yeah, we saw that moving
truck across the street.
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You guys have any idea who they are?
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Anybody would be better than Ilene.
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That woman lived across
the street 25 years,
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and I didn't even know her last name.
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She was a terrible person,
just terrible.
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God rest her soul.
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I loved Ilene.
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She was mean, but self-sufficient.
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She never asked me for nothing.
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I remember one time she
fell in the walkway,
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and I asked her did she need help,
19
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she flipped me the bird,
20
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then she army-crawled all
the way to the front door.
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Now that's what I call a good neighbor.
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Mm-hmm.
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You know, growing up, I spent
more time at the neighbor's
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than my own house.
25
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My parents were always fighting.
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It was too loud to even do my homework.
27
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Even to go home some nights. (chuckles)
28
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Jerrod hated homework, too.
29
00:01:01,836 --> 00:01:05,105
Ma, I think you completely
missed the point of that story.
30
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Ah! They're coming out!
31
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Whoa. Hey, Maxine, come.
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Let's stare out the window
with the old people.
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Let's watch as life
literally passes us by.
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I hope they're not
like Maxine's parents,
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loud and fighting all the time.
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Oh, so she did hear
that part of the story.
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JOE: Okay, it's a couple.
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A man and a woman... you got
to be clear these days.
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A young Muslim couple.
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Muslim, yes, Muslim.
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They're Muslims.
42
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Uh-huh, with the head
thing and everything.
43
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Mm-hmm, of all the things
they could be, they...
44
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(chuckles): they're Muslims.
45
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This should be very interesting.
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Yeah, very interesting.
47
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Okay, look, I, uh...
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I love how politically correct
we're pretending to be.
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We're in a safe place;
no one's listening.
50
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We can express how we really feel.
51
00:01:52,845 --> 00:01:55,545
Maxine is listening.
52
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Well, the truth is, you
know, we saw Muslims,
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and we don't know how to react
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'cause we don't see Muslims a lot.
55
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You know, only on TV,
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00:02:03,005 --> 00:02:04,588
and they're usually
playing the bad guy,
57
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but no one has to feel bad for
expressing how they really feel.
58
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You know, Jerrod is right.
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This is an opportunity
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for us to have an open,
honest conversation.
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Mm-hmm.
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What are they doing in my America?!
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?
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?
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Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
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So you guys can't actually be concerned
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that your new neighbors are Muslim,
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'cause that would imply that
you think that they could be...
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I don't even want to say the word.
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- Terrorist. - Terrorist.
- Terrorist, yeah. yeah.
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I don't think they're terrorists.
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I don't know what they are.
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I see them as two abandoned
bags at the airport.
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Nobody should panic,
75
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but nobody should take
their eyes off them either.
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Wouldn't life be easier
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if there was just one kind of religion?
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Are you suggesting,
like, a master race, Ma?
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No, just, like, one group of folk
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who, like... dominate?
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Well, you know what I'm saying.
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Okay, so maybe we should
all become Muslims, then.
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Well, that is clearly
not what I'm saying.
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I can't believe how
Islamophobic you're being.
85
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But, Maxine, not all phobias are bad.
86
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My fear of sharks is what kept me
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from being eaten by a
shark all these years.
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Well, that and the fact that
I don't know how to swim.
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00:03:59,012 --> 00:04:02,782
But that also proves that
some stereotypes are true.
90
00:04:02,891 --> 00:04:04,191
Yeah, that's true.
91
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For example, I don't tip.
92
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See?
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Okay, but your neighbors aren't sharks,
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00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:14,453
they're people, and I am sure
that they are perfectly lovely.
95
00:04:14,528 --> 00:04:17,830
You know, Maxine, you are
right 99% of the time,
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00:04:17,926 --> 00:04:19,327
but proud Americans like myself,
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00:04:19,368 --> 00:04:20,968
I'm here to protect the rest of us
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from the one percent that
falls through the cracks.
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CYNTHIA: Yeah.
100
00:04:24,242 --> 00:04:26,510
Joe, you know, I think
we need to go over there,
101
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introduce ourselves, and
just lay on the charm.
102
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,657
That's a good idea, Cynthia.
103
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Keep your friends close
and your Muslims closer.
104
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Joe.
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I mean, Maxine, you can disagree,
106
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but that slogan alone
could win him an election.
107
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You know what?
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I'm gonna make them a gift basket,
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go over there, welcome
them to the neighborhood.
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I think it wouldn't hurt
to be on their good side.
111
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So your gift basket has
an ulterior motive?
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So?
113
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,608
You know why Jesus was
so nice to everyone?
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Because he knew people
were trying to kill him.
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JOE: Mm-hmm.
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And all of that still
didn't help Jesus.
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Makes you wonder,
maybe he could've been nicer.
118
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Jerrod, remember when
you were in middle school,
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I told you and your brother
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to always be nice to the
white kids in trench coats.
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Kept you safe, didn't it?
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'Cause they didn't do anything.
123
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That's because you were nice to them.
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You guys, we can't assume the worst.
125
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You know, profiling has consequences.
126
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If you treat someone like a criminal,
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they are more likely to become one.
128
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You know, the only time
I ever thought about stealing
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was when I was followed around
a store by a security guard.
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Uh...
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What? I've been followed before.
132
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Don't think that's so unbelievable.
133
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What? I dressed differently back then.
134
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Okay, fine. I was with Nekeisha.
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Ha! Okay. That makes sense.
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- That makes complete sense.
- CYNTHIA: I was gonna say,
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things are really bad
138
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if somebody's following around Maxine.
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(laughing)
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The point is, it was really hurtful.
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00:06:08,216 --> 00:06:10,217
And, you know, I don't
want to live in a society
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where just any crazy person
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can accuse their neighbor of anything.
144
00:06:13,709 --> 00:06:16,013
Well, the police couldn't stop
that San Bernardino attack.
145
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But you know who could?
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A neighbor who noticed that
couple acting strangely
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and receiving too many packages.
148
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But he didn't want to say anything,
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'cause he didn't want people
to think he was crazy.
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- Hey.
- Hey.
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What up?
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Hey, I met the new neighbors.
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They're really nice.
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Way nicer than old Ilene.
155
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Yeah, that lady was a bitch.
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God rest her soul.
157
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Well, maybe they're nice,
maybe they're pretending.
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All I know is I got to go put together
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that "welcome to the neighborhood,
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please don't blow us up" basket.
161
00:06:46,284 --> 00:06:48,219
What is she talking about?
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Mom and Dad think the new
neighbors might be terrorists.
163
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I didn't say that.
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I said I wasn't sure
they aren't terrorists.
165
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Wait, wait, why?
Because they're Muslim?
166
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Muslims are not terrorists.
Crazy people are terrorists.
167
00:06:59,123 --> 00:07:01,858
Look, Dad, if Muhammad Ali
and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar moved
168
00:07:01,937 --> 00:07:04,160
across the street, would you
think they were terrorists?
169
00:07:04,225 --> 00:07:07,672
No, but we'd think they were broke.
170
00:07:07,772 --> 00:07:09,874
Bobby, that's different.
They're black Muslims.
171
00:07:09,936 --> 00:07:12,437
We're talking about
regular Muslims here.
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Regular Muslims need,
like, somebody to, like,
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be a gateway Muslim for them.
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If a regular Muslim won The Voice,
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it could change everything for them.
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So what'd you find out, Nekeisha?
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Did you get any Intel on them?
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- Joe, you know your girl got you.
- Oh!
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00:07:24,628 --> 00:07:27,329
Now, they said they're
from New York originally,
180
00:07:27,407 --> 00:07:29,842
but they have spent
some time in Pakistan
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for, like, a couple of
years living with family.
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I knew it. Pakistan.
It's always Pakistan.
183
00:07:36,743 --> 00:07:39,646
Pakistan is one of them
countries that hates America.
184
00:07:39,731 --> 00:07:42,035
Oh, I wonder if it has anything
to do with us bombing them
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for the last ten years.
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Now, I'm not gonna stand here
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and play chicken or
egg with you, Maxine.
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00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:47,997
NEKEISHA: I'm not jumping
189
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to conclusions and I'm not saying
190
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that your new neighbors might
be members of ISIS, but...
191
00:07:52,294 --> 00:07:54,395
ISIL. What's the difference?
192
00:07:54,457 --> 00:07:56,325
I don't know.
193
00:07:56,379 --> 00:07:58,780
Point is, we offered to
help them with some boxes,
194
00:07:58,851 --> 00:08:01,753
and they were quick to tell us
no and get rid of me and Bobby.
195
00:08:01,837 --> 00:08:03,971
That's 'cause you was asking 'em
too many personal questions.
196
00:08:04,033 --> 00:08:06,335
What do we care if they're
renting or buying anyway?
197
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,437
'Cause everybody knows
that terrorists are renters.
198
00:08:08,496 --> 00:08:11,398
Why would you buy if you
know you about to go jihad
199
00:08:11,483 --> 00:08:13,516
and miss out on your tax benefits?
200
00:08:14,183 --> 00:08:15,857
That's a good point, Nekeisha.
201
00:08:15,906 --> 00:08:17,889
I think you done blown this
whole thing wide open.
202
00:08:17,947 --> 00:08:18,302
Mm.
203
00:08:18,314 --> 00:08:20,577
Now, look, you got a hookup
on some night vision goggles?
204
00:08:20,643 --> 00:08:20,847
I do.
205
00:08:20,854 --> 00:08:22,757
Okay, I feel like I'm
watching the worst episode
206
00:08:22,812 --> 00:08:24,077
of Homeland ever.
207
00:08:24,115 --> 00:08:25,515
CYNTHIA: All right, Joe.
208
00:08:25,556 --> 00:08:30,127
I got everything that makes
America great in this basket.
209
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,996
I got some Pringles, Coke Zero,
210
00:08:34,104 --> 00:08:36,672
some Susan B. Anthony coins,
211
00:08:36,747 --> 00:08:38,715
and a Evan Almighty DVD.
212
00:08:38,773 --> 00:08:43,076
You know, this is basically
America in a basket.
213
00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:45,736
Cynthia, they are American.
They are from New York.
214
00:08:45,809 --> 00:08:49,144
Oh, should I put a Snapple in here?
215
00:08:49,241 --> 00:08:51,304
Jerrod, are you really gonna
let them go over there?
216
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:52,137
This is crazy.
217
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,094
No, what's crazy is my mom has
218
00:08:54,151 --> 00:08:57,119
what is clearly a bootleg
Evan Almighty DVD,
219
00:08:57,205 --> 00:08:59,573
and she's gonna give
it to a Muslim family
220
00:08:59,642 --> 00:09:01,543
in an Easter basket.
221
00:09:01,599 --> 00:09:04,401
Jerrod, this is a
perfectly nice basket.
222
00:09:04,483 --> 00:09:06,751
Everybody loves Easter.
223
00:09:06,817 --> 00:09:09,818
It's the best comeback
story there ever was.
224
00:09:11,141 --> 00:09:12,976
You go on and get them there, Cynthia.
225
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:14,765
You gonna win them
over with your smile,
226
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:17,082
while I look around and see if I see
227
00:09:17,149 --> 00:09:19,017
any evidence of radicalization.
228
00:09:19,071 --> 00:09:20,538
BOBBY: You know something,
229
00:09:20,582 --> 00:09:22,850
man, y'all are being
real prejudiced right now.
230
00:09:22,916 --> 00:09:25,751
You're being close-minded
and you're being ignorant.
231
00:09:25,834 --> 00:09:28,068
Bobby, you seem grumpy.
You hungry? Huh.
232
00:09:29,128 --> 00:09:30,897
Eat some of these Pringles.
233
00:09:30,949 --> 00:09:33,284
Joe, what are you gonna
do, go snoop around
234
00:09:33,352 --> 00:09:35,419
this unsuspecting couple's home?
235
00:09:35,479 --> 00:09:36,179
Yes.
236
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,901
Oh, that is a beautiful way
237
00:09:37,951 --> 00:09:39,518
to welcome them to the neighborhood.
238
00:09:39,564 --> 00:09:41,164
Are you really gonna let them do this?
239
00:09:41,211 --> 00:09:43,279
I mean, what do you
want me to do, Maxine?
240
00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:44,874
Obama said we got to stay vigilant.
241
00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:46,502
He said if you see
something suspicious,
242
00:09:46,549 --> 00:09:47,800
you should say something.
243
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,540
Yeah, and in that same
speech, he also said
244
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,956
that we have to reject
bigotry in all its forms
245
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,459
and that discrimination undermines
246
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,101
our national security.
247
00:09:55,148 --> 00:09:58,550
And Michelle said we need
to get up and move more.
248
00:10:03,901 --> 00:10:05,502
Hello!
249
00:10:05,549 --> 00:10:07,417
We're your new neighbors, and we'd like
250
00:10:07,472 --> 00:10:09,373
to welcome you to our community.
251
00:10:09,428 --> 00:10:11,629
I'm Joe Carmichael.
This is my wife Cynthia.
252
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,728
- I'm Zayn.
- And I'm Fahmida.
253
00:10:13,787 --> 00:10:15,488
Very nice to meet you.
254
00:10:15,538 --> 00:10:16,972
Oh, I'm sorry.
255
00:10:17,015 --> 00:10:18,315
We try to follow Islamic law
256
00:10:18,353 --> 00:10:20,287
and limit nonessential physical contact
257
00:10:20,344 --> 00:10:21,745
with the opposite gender.
258
00:10:21,786 --> 00:10:23,019
No offense.
259
00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:25,490
Oh.
260
00:10:25,561 --> 00:10:27,128
Well, great!
261
00:10:27,175 --> 00:10:29,710
I love learning new customs.
262
00:10:29,784 --> 00:10:32,985
So y'all lived in Pakistan, huh?
263
00:10:34,931 --> 00:10:36,533
Yes.
264
00:10:36,581 --> 00:10:37,881
So which you like better?
265
00:10:37,919 --> 00:10:39,320
You mean, like, as a country?
266
00:10:39,361 --> 00:10:41,362
Mm-hmm.
267
00:10:41,421 --> 00:10:43,155
Do we have to choose?
268
00:10:43,206 --> 00:10:44,539
(chuckles): Oh.
269
00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:45,845
He's just messing around.
270
00:10:45,883 --> 00:10:47,249
(chuckles)
271
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:51,284
But, seriously, if you had to pick one.
272
00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:52,976
Well, we love it here,
273
00:10:53,023 --> 00:10:55,858
but a lot of our family and
friends still live in Pakistan,
274
00:10:55,941 --> 00:10:56,974
so...
275
00:10:57,005 --> 00:10:58,372
I hear Pakistan is beautiful.
276
00:10:58,412 --> 00:10:59,779
I hear the people are beautiful.
277
00:10:59,819 --> 00:11:01,186
She's beautiful.
278
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,528
At least, what I can see of her.
279
00:11:03,595 --> 00:11:05,596
(Cynthia laughs)
280
00:11:05,654 --> 00:11:07,454
(sighs) Oh.
281
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:11,370
I-I brought you all a gift basket.
282
00:11:11,456 --> 00:11:13,491
Okay, thank you.
283
00:11:13,550 --> 00:11:14,850
We'll see you around.
284
00:11:14,889 --> 00:11:16,723
Okay.
285
00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:19,211
We love you!
286
00:11:19,282 --> 00:11:20,816
"We love you"?
287
00:11:20,862 --> 00:11:23,996
Well, I was just trying
to make conversation.
288
00:11:26,215 --> 00:11:28,117
You need somebody to sign for that?
289
00:11:28,173 --> 00:11:30,406
Nah.
290
00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:43,087
It's from Pakistan.
291
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:45,141
Ooh, Pakistan!
292
00:11:45,199 --> 00:11:46,732
Yeah.
293
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,952
Oh, come on, are-are you really
mad at me right now, Maxine?
294
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,141
Yes. The only reason that
your parents are suspicious
295
00:11:57,203 --> 00:11:58,986
of their neighbors is
because they're Muslim.
296
00:11:59,038 --> 00:12:00,039
And how is that my fault?
297
00:12:00,069 --> 00:12:01,686
It's not your fault,
but I would like you
298
00:12:01,733 --> 00:12:03,796
to at least agree with me
that they're acting crazy.
299
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:05,429
Well, I'm sorry. I can't agree to that.
300
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,176
Well, that's why it's your fault.
301
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:08,993
Well, look.
302
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:12,080
Maxine, I agree that maybe
they're overreacting.
303
00:12:12,168 --> 00:12:13,769
But I won't say that I don't understand
304
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,183
where their fear comes from.
305
00:12:15,224 --> 00:12:18,126
Look, I understand that racially
profiling someone is wrong
306
00:12:18,210 --> 00:12:20,211
and we need to respect
people's civil liberties.
307
00:12:20,270 --> 00:12:21,504
But...
308
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,741
turning a blind eye and
pretending that their neighbors
309
00:12:23,806 --> 00:12:26,069
aren't capable of something
bad isn't the answer, either.
310
00:12:26,135 --> 00:12:27,573
So what is the answer?
311
00:12:27,615 --> 00:12:30,116
You're asking me to solve
terrorism right now?
312
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:34,595
I mean, I really think
I can fix our problems
313
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:36,587
with the Middle East,
but I'm gonna need
314
00:12:36,643 --> 00:12:39,445
at least a Red Bull first.
315
00:12:39,527 --> 00:12:41,428
Look, your parents
are being xenophobic.
316
00:12:41,484 --> 00:12:44,619
And you have to realize the
negative consequences of that.
317
00:12:44,710 --> 00:12:46,111
If your parents said that we should
318
00:12:46,152 --> 00:12:47,695
build a wall around the whole country,
319
00:12:47,741 --> 00:12:49,332
would you agree with them on that, too?
320
00:12:49,379 --> 00:12:51,947
Of course I want a wall!
321
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,202
I mean, look, Maxine,
322
00:12:53,237 --> 00:12:55,381
I'm not anti-immigration,
but I'm definitely pro-wall.
323
00:12:55,444 --> 00:12:56,554
I mean, walls are amazing.
324
00:12:56,587 --> 00:12:57,787
If walls aren't so great,
325
00:12:57,823 --> 00:13:00,558
why are we standing in walls right now?
326
00:13:00,637 --> 00:13:02,405
I mean, we wouldn't
knock down a whole wall
327
00:13:02,457 --> 00:13:04,424
just so one of our neighbors
could wander in here
328
00:13:04,482 --> 00:13:05,865
if they're ever feeling oppressed.
329
00:13:05,906 --> 00:13:06,969
I'm sorry, is Donald Trump
330
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,990
behind the couch feeding you lines?
331
00:13:10,077 --> 00:13:12,545
I am completely cool with anybody
332
00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:13,984
coming to this country.
333
00:13:14,025 --> 00:13:16,894
I would just like for them
to have been invited first.
334
00:13:16,977 --> 00:13:18,818
Jerrod, the only reason
that any of us are here
335
00:13:18,872 --> 00:13:19,935
is because of immigration.
336
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,094
No, I'm here because of slavery.
337
00:13:23,910 --> 00:13:26,846
You know, you got to understand,
I was invited.
338
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,199
I mean, it... it was
an aggressive invitation,
339
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:32,300
but an invitation, nonetheless.
340
00:13:34,070 --> 00:13:36,206
Hey, Jerrod, it's me, Bobby.
341
00:13:36,269 --> 00:13:37,869
What do you want?
342
00:13:37,916 --> 00:13:39,517
Look, we got an issue.
343
00:13:39,564 --> 00:13:42,332
Dad stole a package from
those nice Muslim neighbors.
344
00:13:42,412 --> 00:13:43,579
God...
345
00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:44,681
He stole a package?
346
00:13:44,713 --> 00:13:46,280
See? There are consequences.
347
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,127
This is what fear does to people.
348
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:50,415
You know, opening someone's
mail is a federal offense.
349
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,948
Well, he hasn't opened it yet.
350
00:13:53,020 --> 00:13:55,955
He's just sitting there staring at it.
351
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,140
Just like "The Tell-Tale Heart."
352
00:14:00,125 --> 00:14:02,092
Yeah, Bobby reads, too.
353
00:14:04,037 --> 00:14:05,806
Why would they do something so dumb?
354
00:14:05,858 --> 00:14:07,792
I mean, I was this close to laying out
355
00:14:07,849 --> 00:14:09,416
this nuanced argument about
356
00:14:09,462 --> 00:14:11,130
foreign policy,
and now I got to go save
357
00:14:11,179 --> 00:14:13,579
Kanye and Kim from
embarrassing our family.
358
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:18,074
Joe, are we really gonna do this?
359
00:14:18,146 --> 00:14:19,680
Well, I think we have to, Cynthia.
360
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,962
We don't want to be neighbors
who turned a blind eye.
361
00:14:23,056 --> 00:14:24,439
We've been through a lot of things
362
00:14:24,479 --> 00:14:27,331
in our 30-plus years together, but...
363
00:14:27,415 --> 00:14:30,117
we've never committed a felony, babe.
364
00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:31,795
Mmm.
365
00:14:31,842 --> 00:14:35,345
Only you could take a moment
like this and turn it romantic.
366
00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:38,248
- (giggling)
- I love you! Mm!
367
00:14:40,184 --> 00:14:43,620
Are you guys really making
out over a stolen package?
368
00:14:43,719 --> 00:14:45,987
Not stolen. Intercepted.
369
00:14:46,054 --> 00:14:47,755
And for good reason, son.
370
00:14:47,805 --> 00:14:51,241
This package came
from Pakistan. Pakistan!
371
00:14:51,341 --> 00:14:54,443
What do they need a box
so bad from Pakistan for?
372
00:14:54,533 --> 00:14:57,201
I don't know. Maybe 'cause
their family is from Pakistan.
373
00:14:57,279 --> 00:14:59,742
We don't know what's in there.
Maybe it's something dangerous.
374
00:14:59,813 --> 00:15:02,153
We could be saving lives.
We could be heroes.
375
00:15:02,222 --> 00:15:04,256
This might get me a Wikipedia page.
376
00:15:04,315 --> 00:15:05,749
Yes!
377
00:15:05,792 --> 00:15:07,726
I might get
378
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,583
a picture with Joe Biden.
379
00:15:09,636 --> 00:15:10,603
I mean, he needs
380
00:15:10,632 --> 00:15:12,032
a fun friend like me.
381
00:15:12,073 --> 00:15:13,907
He's always so sad.
382
00:15:13,961 --> 00:15:17,931
You know, he's been through
a Kennedy amount of pain.
383
00:15:18,046 --> 00:15:20,469
You guys really think you're
gonna be heroes because of this?
384
00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:21,552
No, look,
385
00:15:21,582 --> 00:15:23,483
I agree, if you see something,
say something.
386
00:15:23,539 --> 00:15:25,173
But you're not supposed
to do something.
387
00:15:25,221 --> 00:15:26,921
And you didn't even see something.
388
00:15:26,971 --> 00:15:30,474
You saw nothing,
then you stole something.
389
00:15:30,576 --> 00:15:32,477
Why are you yelling at us?
390
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,166
Because you took it too far!
391
00:15:34,214 --> 00:15:36,197
You're supposed to at least
respect their privacy.
392
00:15:36,255 --> 00:15:38,340
Oh, nobody cares about privacy.
393
00:15:38,401 --> 00:15:40,803
Security is more important.
And you know something else?
394
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:43,508
The NSA should be spying on all of us,
395
00:15:43,585 --> 00:15:45,152
but they've been slowed down
396
00:15:45,198 --> 00:15:46,965
from people like you and that Snowden,
397
00:15:47,017 --> 00:15:50,253
thinking your secrets are so important.
398
00:15:50,347 --> 00:15:52,748
Well, I got news for you:
the government doesn't
399
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:56,087
give two damns about you and
your funky little text messages.
400
00:15:56,182 --> 00:15:58,445
Okay, really? Really, Dad?
You really want the government
401
00:15:58,512 --> 00:16:00,285
listening in on all
of your phone calls?
402
00:16:00,337 --> 00:16:02,571
I got nothing to hide!
403
00:16:02,636 --> 00:16:04,737
Now, if the government wants to listen
404
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,799
to me and my friend
Bernard talking about
405
00:16:06,858 --> 00:16:09,226
how we think Emmitt Smith
is the greatest running back
406
00:16:09,295 --> 00:16:12,698
in the history of all mankind,
let them come on with it.
407
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:14,130
They might learn something,
408
00:16:14,169 --> 00:16:16,244
'cause I got fascinating opinions.
409
00:16:16,305 --> 00:16:18,800
All right. Enough talking, I'm going in!
410
00:16:18,873 --> 00:16:20,306
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't...
411
00:16:20,348 --> 00:16:21,916
Don't-don't hit their detonator, honey.
412
00:16:21,962 --> 00:16:23,496
There-there's not a bomb in that box.
413
00:16:23,541 --> 00:16:25,408
You don't know what's in there.
414
00:16:25,463 --> 00:16:27,931
It's a teddy bear.
415
00:16:28,003 --> 00:16:30,138
It's an adorable, delightful,
416
00:16:30,201 --> 00:16:31,768
brown teddy bear.
417
00:16:31,814 --> 00:16:33,181
Well, I don't get it.
418
00:16:33,221 --> 00:16:37,057
Should I cut it open to see
where the bomb is inside of it?
419
00:16:37,168 --> 00:16:38,402
Thank you for saving America.
420
00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:40,240
How does it feel to be SEAL Team Six?
421
00:16:40,293 --> 00:16:41,725
(knocking on door)
422
00:16:43,106 --> 00:16:45,574
Oh, it's the Muslims.
Quick, hide the bear!
423
00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:50,565
- (chuckles): Hello, you two.
- Oh!
424
00:16:50,625 --> 00:16:52,392
What a pleasant surprise.
425
00:16:52,443 --> 00:16:55,178
Our favorite new neighbors.
426
00:16:55,258 --> 00:16:56,801
We're missing a package from my family
427
00:16:56,847 --> 00:16:58,239
that was supposed to arrive today.
428
00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,713
Wondering if you guys saw anything.
429
00:16:59,755 --> 00:17:01,423
No, but thanks for stopping by.
430
00:17:01,472 --> 00:17:03,039
Really?
431
00:17:03,085 --> 00:17:05,787
Because supposedly it arrived
after you guys left our place.
432
00:17:05,866 --> 00:17:07,366
You really didn't see anything?
433
00:17:07,410 --> 00:17:10,012
Uh, no... we ain't saw...
434
00:17:10,088 --> 00:17:12,189
Uh, honey, did you see a package?
435
00:17:12,250 --> 00:17:13,250
No.
436
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:14,580
Okay, look, I'm sure
437
00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:17,020
this is the package that
you guys are looking for.
438
00:17:17,091 --> 00:17:18,791
Jerrod!
439
00:17:18,841 --> 00:17:21,176
Did you take that from those people?
440
00:17:21,244 --> 00:17:23,879
Yeah, Jerrod, that's a federal offense.
441
00:17:23,956 --> 00:17:25,123
Really? Really?
442
00:17:25,157 --> 00:17:27,158
Um, sorry, I should have
introduced myself sooner.
443
00:17:27,217 --> 00:17:29,585
I am their very embarrassed son Jerrod.
444
00:17:29,654 --> 00:17:31,021
I knew they stole it.
445
00:17:31,061 --> 00:17:32,895
Now, hold on, don't
jump to conclusions.
446
00:17:32,949 --> 00:17:34,683
We don't know they stole it, Zayn.
447
00:17:34,734 --> 00:17:36,635
Oh, yeah, they stole it.
448
00:17:36,691 --> 00:17:38,258
Why would you do that?
449
00:17:38,304 --> 00:17:40,973
Why does anybody do anything, really?
450
00:17:41,051 --> 00:17:42,484
ZAYN: Fahmida, I told you
451
00:17:42,526 --> 00:17:44,549
things like this would
happen in this neighborhood.
452
00:17:44,608 --> 00:17:45,987
Well, this neighborhood?
453
00:17:46,028 --> 00:17:48,196
If this neighborhood is
so bad, why'd you move in?
454
00:17:48,259 --> 00:17:49,692
It's all we could afford.
455
00:17:49,734 --> 00:17:52,603
Yeah, us, too.
456
00:17:52,687 --> 00:17:54,020
Look, let us explain.
457
00:17:54,059 --> 00:17:55,994
You saw a Muslim couple
move in next door
458
00:17:56,051 --> 00:17:57,485
and it terrified you?
459
00:17:57,527 --> 00:17:59,828
That's a pretty good guess.
460
00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:04,097
You know, you would do
very well on Family Feud.
461
00:18:06,073 --> 00:18:08,675
The words my family seems
to have trouble finding are
462
00:18:08,751 --> 00:18:11,887
"I'm sorry" or
"Please don't press charges."
463
00:18:11,978 --> 00:18:13,481
Jerrod, don't put words in our mouth.
464
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,691
But please don't press charges.
465
00:18:15,754 --> 00:18:18,689
I mean, what did you think
you were gonna find in here?
466
00:18:18,774 --> 00:18:19,841
JOE: You know, instead of
467
00:18:19,873 --> 00:18:22,608
focusing on why did
we cut the box open,
468
00:18:22,688 --> 00:18:25,257
let's focus on the fact that
we didn't cut that bear open.
469
00:18:25,332 --> 00:18:26,398
And we could have.
470
00:18:26,429 --> 00:18:27,930
- We thought about it.
- Mm-hmm.
471
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,437
But we didn't. You want to know why?
472
00:18:29,481 --> 00:18:30,618
'Cause we trust you.
473
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,953
'Cause we're neighbors.
474
00:18:33,021 --> 00:18:36,189
This was a gift from our
family to congratulate us.
475
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,949
We're expecting our first child.
476
00:18:37,998 --> 00:18:39,665
Oh, that's great!
477
00:18:39,714 --> 00:18:41,315
You're having a baby.
478
00:18:41,362 --> 00:18:42,896
Now, who do I hug?
479
00:18:42,941 --> 00:18:45,675
I can't hug you, but I can
hug you. Did I get it right?
480
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,295
This isn't the first time
this has happened to us.
481
00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:50,902
You assume every Muslim's a terrorist,
482
00:18:50,948 --> 00:18:52,506
and it's rooted in absolutely nothing.
483
00:18:52,552 --> 00:18:54,553
Do I look like a terrorist to you?
484
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:56,779
Well, if I was casting
a new season of 24,
485
00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:59,410
you would get the part.
486
00:19:01,269 --> 00:19:03,905
Every single day,
I get judgmental looks,
487
00:19:03,982 --> 00:19:06,083
and it makes me so angry.
488
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,513
But I can't get angry.
489
00:19:07,553 --> 00:19:10,221
Because there is nothing
scarier to America
490
00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:13,267
than an angry young Muslim
woman wearing a hijab,
491
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:15,888
and that really pisses me off!
492
00:19:15,962 --> 00:19:18,105
I think America's still more
afraid of me in a hoodie,
493
00:19:18,168 --> 00:19:19,961
but I do feel where you're coming from.
494
00:19:20,013 --> 00:19:22,447
How would you like it
if I assumed you were
495
00:19:22,519 --> 00:19:24,754
loudmouth criminals just
because you were black?
496
00:19:24,819 --> 00:19:26,919
Well, today you would
have assumed correctly.
497
00:19:28,731 --> 00:19:30,933
Fahmida, let's go.
498
00:19:30,998 --> 00:19:33,733
Well, nice of you to drop by.
499
00:19:33,812 --> 00:19:37,515
And if you need a babysitter,
just feel free to call.
500
00:19:37,623 --> 00:19:39,157
You know, it's behavior like this
501
00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:40,735
that gives you people a bad name.
502
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,815
"You people"?
503
00:19:42,875 --> 00:19:45,677
You people can't call us "you people"!
504
00:19:45,758 --> 00:19:47,258
We love you!
505
00:19:47,302 --> 00:19:49,503
This is not the moment for that.
506
00:19:49,568 --> 00:19:51,336
Jerrod, what is wrong with you?
507
00:19:51,388 --> 00:19:52,621
Coming over here,
508
00:19:52,657 --> 00:19:55,759
causing all this conflict
with our neighbors.
509
00:19:55,849 --> 00:19:57,417
I could've re-taped that box
510
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,698
and just snuck it on their porch.
511
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:01,531
What's wrong with me?
Are you kidding me?
512
00:20:01,583 --> 00:20:03,283
I watched you guys commit a felony
513
00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:04,956
and then almost
destroy your relationship
514
00:20:05,003 --> 00:20:06,148
with those neighbors.
515
00:20:06,182 --> 00:20:08,216
Honestly, if you really think about it,
516
00:20:08,276 --> 00:20:10,811
in this situation, the real
terrorists are you people.
517
00:20:10,885 --> 00:20:12,719
"You people"?!
518
00:20:12,773 --> 00:20:14,073
Hey, Jerrod!
519
00:20:14,111 --> 00:20:16,246
Hey, Jerrod, what you
mean by "you people"?!
520
00:20:16,308 --> 00:20:19,476
If it wasn't for us people,
you wouldn't be people!
521
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:26,964
I can't believe no one showed up for
our "meet your neighbors" party.
522
00:20:27,168 --> 00:20:28,902
I may as well be honest
with you, Maxine.
523
00:20:28,953 --> 00:20:31,121
You know all the flyers
you put up in the hallway?
524
00:20:31,184 --> 00:20:32,551
I took them down.
525
00:20:32,592 --> 00:20:34,926
What? Why would you do that?
526
00:20:34,994 --> 00:20:36,696
I thought we were gonna
get to know our neighbors,
527
00:20:36,746 --> 00:20:37,826
you know, expand our world.
528
00:20:37,858 --> 00:20:39,281
I don't want to meet our neighbors.
529
00:20:39,323 --> 00:20:40,553
You got to do small talk.
530
00:20:40,589 --> 00:20:44,292
I'd rather have small talk
about the weather with Siri.
531
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,634
(knocking on door)
532
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:47,836
Oh, God.
533
00:20:50,921 --> 00:20:52,789
- Hey.
- Hello, come on in.
534
00:20:52,844 --> 00:20:55,312
I don't think we've officially met.
I'm Maxine.
535
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:56,885
I know. He's Jerrod.
536
00:20:56,929 --> 00:20:59,764
Okay, how do you know our names, Mr...?
537
00:20:59,847 --> 00:21:01,881
Jamar. And I can hear y'all.
538
00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:04,375
Oh, I'm sorry. Are we being too loud?
539
00:21:04,446 --> 00:21:06,347
Oh, no, I'm listening.
540
00:21:06,403 --> 00:21:08,236
I'm always listening.
541
00:21:09,491 --> 00:21:10,492
I'm here to warn you.
542
00:21:10,522 --> 00:21:11,722
You see them Sudanese dudes
543
00:21:11,758 --> 00:21:13,292
that just moved in next door?
544
00:21:13,337 --> 00:21:15,071
Real child soldier types.
545
00:21:15,122 --> 00:21:17,290
They roll their own cigarettes.
546
00:21:17,353 --> 00:21:19,353
Watch your backs.
547
00:21:24,355 --> 00:21:26,418
This is why I don't like
meeting new people, Maxine.
548
00:21:26,468 --> 00:21:31,018
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