All language subtitles for The Carmichael Show s01e04 Gender.eng

The Carmichael Show is taped
in front a live studio audience.

All I'm saying is I, for one,

am gonna be kind of sad to
see the Confederate flag go.

You know...

that flag is a symbol of racism!

I know. That's why we need it.

It lets you know how people are
without them having to tell you.

Okay? 'Cause the only
thing worse than racism

is surprise racism.

I don't know.

You weren't around when I was growing up.

"In your face" racism is pretty bad, too.

Yeah, I'm with Joe. Back in school,

I got called names 'cause I'm biracial.

I had to eat my Oreos in the bathroom.

I would rather for, like,
a diner in South Carolina

to have the Confederate flag in the window,

so I know not to go in there,
than them not having the flag up

and then I walk in and get my pie spat at.

I'm sorry, I'm still thinking about Maxine

eating them Oreos in the bathroom!

Jerrod, before you forget,

tomorrow starts the church's annual

Big Brother/Big Sister program.

I'll get your information packets, okay?

I know how much food I
have on my plate, Joe.

Yeah, I didn't know that
you did that program.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm no hero, Maxine.

I didn't say you were a hero.

I said I was proud.

Every year, my mom has us
do, like, a service project

with the church.

We used to do, like, Habitat for Humanity,

but then I stopped 'cause we started

building houses that were nicer than ours.

But the Big Brother program's
gonna be fun, you know?

These kids aren't used
to having anybody around,

so they have to bounce a ball off a wall.

So all I got to do is
be more fun than a wall.

See, I don't know, Jerrod.

Those rock-climbing walls are pretty fun.

If we get the right kid,

we'll wind up like Sandra
Bullock in The Blind Side.

What do you mean?

Look, if you get a kid

that winds up being a pro ballplayer,

then he's gonna remember what
a great Big Brother you were

and he's gonna hook us up
with tickets and jerseys.

Not being greedy... maybe even a new house!

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Jackson.

Aw, Nekeisha!

Robert Glorephen Carmichael.

"Glorephen"?

It's a combination of my Aunt Gloria

and my Uncle Stephen.

Here are our final divorce papers.

Now, just sign those, and
our divorce is official.

What are you talking
about? I thought our divorce

was official when you started

sleeping with Lamont and
stopped sleeping with me!

In the eyes of the state, no.

But in my eyes, hell yes!

So please sign these
papers so we can move on.

Also, I need you to give me a ride home.

I got to do some texting.

Well, fine.

Only because me and Lamont made plans

to catch up on Ballers tonight.

Here's the kid we matched you up with.

Wait a minute.

Let's make a wish that inside this envelope

is the next LeBron or Kobe.

No, no.

No, Dad.

All I want is a nice, easy kid

who's troubled enough to make
me look like a good person,

but not so troubled that I'm worried

my apartment's gonna get robbed.

You got to think bigger.

Now, visualize with me.

A limousine pulls up to an NBA arena.

Who gets out?

Why, it's Joe and Jerrod Carmichael.

We're led down the stairs
past some famous people.

They don't really like basketball.

They just want to be seen.

Hey, Biebs!

How you doing, Heather Locklears?

All of a sudden, a player on
the court stops stretching.

He spies us and smiles and waves.

And that player's name is...

Jordan Chamberlain.

Jordan Chamberlain?!

He already has a Hall of Fame name!

Tell me you're not excited
about this right now.

This kid might be, like, a math whiz

or, like, a musical prodigy
or maybe, I don't know,

the son of, like, a convicted bank robber

who's trying to get her life together

and needs a better role model for her kid.

Wait a minute, let me look at that.

Peanut allergy,

favorite movie Jack and Jill...

all-city youth basketball!

Okay, well,

although I'm doing this for the community,

if Jordan Chamberlain
someday stands up at a podium

and looks at me and says
that I'm the real MVP...

who am I to argue?

Courtside seats!

Courtside seats!

I had eight beans on my plate, Joe!

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Jordan, you are amazing at basketball, man.

I got to tell you, I've
never been dunked on before.

I'm surprised 'cause...

you're terrible.

Well, look,

I'm trying to break
racial stereotypes here.

All right, well, since
you're not good at sports,

maybe you're smart, so...

Can you help me with this algebra?

Help you with your algebra?

Yeah, I can help you with your algebra.

Look.

Most of what they teach
us in school is pointless.

This is what you really need
to know to get through life.

You got to be really good at one thing.

Now, for you, that thing is basketball.

What is it for you?

Personality.

I'm all personality, my man.

I won class president over
a much more qualified kid,

and it's all because of this charm.

Look at this charm. Look, look, watch this.

You see that?

You want to vote for me, right?

If you could vote, you would vote for me.

Um, hi, you must be Jordan.

I'm-I'm Maxine.

Hi.

Um, I baked you this plate of cookies.

Well, not the plate, of course.
That was made in a factory.

Probably in a kiln.

That's a funny word, isn't it?

- Kiln?
- Okay.

All right. Hey, hey.

Jordan, I'm gonna go talk to my girlfriend.

Enjoy a cookie, man, all right?

We'll be right back. Right, right back.

Hey? Jordan?

Please don't rob me.

You're not gonna rob me.
Don't, just, but don't.

But don't rob me, okay?

Maxine, what is wrong with you?

I'm sorry. I know, I know.

I just...

I have a condition.

I'm pedophobic.

What?!

How did I not know about this?

Don't you have to register with the state?

How did you get in this neighborhood?

No... not a pedophile!

I'm-I'm pedophobic.

It means I have an
irrational fear of children.

Oh.

God!

Those... those words

are too close to mean
completely different things.

Oh.

It started when I was 16

and I was on a flight
from New York to London.

While I was on the flight, I
was sitting next to this woman,

and she asked me if I would

hold her baby while she
went to the bathroom.

And at first, I was... I was doing great.

Let me show you.

So, I...

I don't know what happened.

All of a sudden, the baby...

slipped out of my hands,

rolled down my legs,

and I caught it with my feet like this.

And then I sneezed.

And it was awful. She screamed at me,

and I was judged by the whole plane

across the entire Atlantic Ocean.

Oh, wow, that's okay.

Hey, Maxine,

if I could afford to go
to London when I was 16,

I'd probably spike a baby, too.

Diddy, watch out! It's a trap door!

It's amazing how you just organized

all these celebrities falling
into one video like this.

Jerrod, you know, I feel
like you get me, like...

It's 'cause I do, man.

I was just like you when I was your age,

except way worse at basketball.

Look, man, I'm gonna be honest.

I wasn't expecting much out of
you when I signed up for this.

I really wasn't expecting
much out of you either, so...

Thank you.

But...

Well, look, let me give you
a little Big Brother advice,

so you don't mess anything up.

Now, what's the one thing

that usually ruins any NBA player's career?

Trying to rap.

Yeah, that hurt Kobe pretty bad.

But no, no, no.

I'm talking about women.

What's wrong with women?

Well, look, I don't want you
falling into that trap, man.

Like, I don't want you

to get married at age 20, you know,

because you think you're in love.

And you think it's gonna last forever.

'Cause it's not, you know?

You'll be a millionaire
professional athlete,

and you're gonna cheat on her, right?

And you should because God blessed you

with this amazing talent
that attracts beautiful women

and he doesn't want you squandering that

on something silly like a wife and kids.

That's...

I appreciate you looking out
for my future, Jerrod, but...

I don't think I'll have
any problems with women.

Now, what makes you so
sure you're not gonna

fall into the same trap
that so many other athletes

before you have fallen into?

He's gay!

You're gay?

I knew it.

No, Jordan's gay.

How do you get "I'm gay" out of "He's gay"?

I'm old. My ears hear what I
already been thinking anyway,

so I don't have to listen.

Jordan can't be gay... I saw a video of him

playing basketball on that school Web site.

He moves just like a straight.

First of all, gay people
don't move a certain way.

And secondly, please stay
off middle school Web sites.

I knew there was something
different about that boy.

I couldn't put my finger on it.

He had a little sugar in his tank.

Yeah, that's true.

Okay. I-I don't know what to do.

What are the rules of the
Big Brother program? I mean,

do I encourage him to come out?

Come out? Is he in the car?

I mean tell everyone
that he's gay, you know?

Like, what type of mom does Jordan have?

Like, what if she kicks him out?

I can't have him

living with me.

I mean, Maxine's horrible with kids.

You know she once knocked
a baby out on an airplane?

No, but it doesn't surprise me.

So what are you gonna do, son?

I don't know. I mean, that's why I'm here.

The world's a tough,
judgmental place, and...

you two are the toughest,
most judgmental people I know.

- Oh, yes. Uh-huh.
- That's true. Yes, it is.

I don't want to give
him bad advice, you know?

What would you two say if
someone suddenly announced

that they were gay?

I would say, "Fine by me.
Ain't none of my business."

Really?

Absolutely. The Supreme Court has told me

I need to accept these people,

so I always do what the Supreme Court says.

You know,

I'm pretty sure the organ
player at church is gay.

Last Sunday, he was wearing
more rings than a pirate.

Big deal.

So the boy is gay.

He can still be a pro ballplayer.

You go and tell that boy he
has nothing to be ashamed of.

Mm-hmm.

A-And tell him "it gets better."

I heard that's what you
supposed to tell gay people

so they feel like it's gonna get better.

Let's go! Last shot wins!

Go!

Let's go!

All right.

See you after school.

All right. Yeah.

All right. All right, fine.

- What's up, man?
- Hey.

This isn't one of our days.

I know, I know, I know.

But I came to tell you, look...

I'm totally cool with you being gay.

Not only that, I think you
should tell the world, man.

Whenever you're ready though.

You're being serious?

Yeah, absolutely.

Now, how is that for advice, huh?

Enlightened? Sure.

Uh, evolved?

I could go on and on

about how well I'm handling this.

I appreciate that,
Jerrod, I really do, but...

the thing is...

I'm not gay.

What?

I'm sorry, Jerrod, but the whole reason

why I told you I was gay
was to test your reaction.

What?

If you had freaked out at
me when I told you I was gay,

I wouldn't have said anything else.

I never told anybody this before, but...

I'm transgender.

Okay.

Do you know what that means?

Mm-hmm.

It means I'm a girl even
though you see me as a boy.

Jordan, did you know basketball was created

in Springfield, Massachusetts?

They used peach baskets

instead of regular hoops,
and they had to climb a ladder

to get the ball out.

Isn't that the craziest
thing you ever heard before?

I just told you I'm transgender.

Peach baskets!

Bobby, just sign the darn
papers and get it over with.

Yeah, you're like a slave who's
been offered his freedom papers

who refuses to leave the plantation.

Leave the plantation, son!

All right.

Ma, what do I do with Jordan, okay?

Give me a new kid.

I want a fire-starter or
a gangbanger, somebody...

What are you talking about?

Do not get rid of my gay golden goose.

Do you know how many big-time

endorsement opportunities
there are out there for him?

CEO of Apple Computers... gay.

Host of Ellen... gay.

- Jordan's not gay, Joe.
- What?

Jerrod, I hate when you do this to me.

You get me all lathered up and excited.

I've been reading about gay people all day.

Yeah, well... Jordan's transgender.

And I don't know how I'm
supposed to take that.

I mean, he tells me he's a girl,

but I'm looking at him
and clearly he's a boy.

Transgender?

You mean he like to dress up like a girl,

like a little mini RuPaul?

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

He-he means like Bruce
Jenner, who's now Carol Ann.

Oh.

Oh.

No, her name's Caitlyn.

I know, but I don't like that name.

You know what I don't understand
about the transgender people?

All of it?

Well, I'm saying,

like, if I went to a party

and I ran into Caitlyn Jenner, right,

and Caitlyn Jenner steps on my shoe,

am I allowed to punch Caitlyn Jenner?

Hell yeah. It's 2015, baby.

You can punch anybody.

Why can't Jordan just be gay?

You know? Like, I-I handled that so well.

You know what I did when
he said he was transgender?

I told him I left a CD in the car

and then I drove here.

Who has CDs anymore?

First he's gay, now he's transgender.

He's like one of those
little Russian dolls.

Every time you think
you've hit the last one,

surprise, there's another one!

Next time you go back,

he's gonna tell you he's Chinese.

Why would Jordan want to become a woman?

He's gonna make 78 cents
to every man's dollar.

Right, right. Don't he
want to grow facial hair?

I mean, he don't even
know if he like beards yet.

I mean, look at me. I love mine.

This is bad.

You can bounce back from being gay,

but once you turn the "P" into a "V"...

No.

Not everyone who's
transgender has surgery, Joe.

Also, you don't "bounce
back" from being gay.

You know, Jerrod,

I would like to pray on this for you,

but I don't want to put
the Lord in a awkward spot.

He may not even know

they got these transgenders
running around down here.

Why are you guys so accepting of gays

but not of someone being transgender?

We are not against the transgender.

But I'm just getting
used to people being gay,

and they done changed the
rules on this one again.

It's too fast.

Too furious.

You have to understand, Maxine.

We went from not having a phone

to having a phone with a long cord

to having a cordless phone
to having a cell phone.

Now we don't even call people, we text 'em.

I just can't go through all these changes.

Okay.

So I think I understand
what being transgender means,

in theory.

It's what sex a person identifies as.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right?

But, look, Jordan likes playing basketball.

He's great at it.

And he-he plays video games.

We-we hiked a railroad
track to find a dead body.

You're just describing Stand By Me.

We watched Stand By Me.

You know? I-I'm just saying
he likes to do boy things.

There is no such thing as "boy things."

Uh, I didn't see Stand By Me,

but I have hiked to see a dead body.

Okay, look, the whole thing with gender

is that it's just a social construct.

It's not innate.

We are taught what is male and female.

You know, I understand
what Maxine is saying.

Most people think women just automatically

make better parents than men.

Exactly.

But Jerrod, he adores children

and you're terrified of
them, so that's not true.

You told them?

And it's a good thing he did,

because you're not gonna
be holding our grandbabies,

not with them butterfingers.

Okay. Okay.

Look, all right?

I got this 13-year-old
kid who's really scared

and he's really confused and
he's turning to me for guidance,

and you guys aren't helping at all.

I mean, this puts a lot of pressure on me.

I mean, what am I
supposed to say to Jordan?

Don't worry.

The woman trapped inside of him
will tell the man what to do.

That's a good one, Daddy!

That was... that was my first joke

on the transgender issue.

Not half bad.

Hey!

That was nice.

And I found my Lauryn Hill CD.

Okay. All right, fine.

I-I'm not gonna lie to you.

I-I got scared, all right?

I drove home and bought this
on my way back over here.

Yeah, you've been gone
for a couple of hours.

Figured something happened.

Jordan, you've been a really,
really difficult Little Brother.

I mean, you left a lot of
stuff off your application.

I'm sorry, Jerrod.

Why don't we just forget I said anything?

I'll figure it out.

Let's play.

You... you just told me you're a girl.

How am I supposed to forget that?

I just want you to be sure
you know what you're doing.

Okay, come here.

All right, so...

when I was 14, all right,

I really wanted to be Puff Daddy.

And... I figured

all I had to do was go out
and buy a blue velour suit,

and I'd be set.

But then came this trial,
which we'll get into later,

and he changed his name to P. Diddy,

then just to Diddy, and now
I hear he's Puff Daddy again,

and every time he changed his name,

he changed his look, and I would
have never been able to keep up.

Look, the point I'm trying to make is

I want you to be 100%
sure before you're stuck

out in the world wearing
a blue velour suit.

D-Do you know what I'm saying to you?

No. Do you know what you're saying?

No.

Uh, I just figured

I'd keep talking and
eventually you'd turn 18

and wouldn't need me anymore.

I didn't ask you to help me figure out

whether or not I'm transgender.

I am.

I know. But you're asking me
to understand it, and I don't.

- And that's the honest truth, Jordan.
- Okay.

Well, at least you're being honest about it

instead of acting all weird.

You can't handle it, my mom
won't be able to handle it,

guys on my team, friends at school.

I'll just have to deal with it on my own.

Hold on.

Look, the fact that I don't

totally get it doesn't mean I
don't hear what you're saying

or I don't believe you.

I know that this is real.

Truthfully...

I don't have to get it 100%

in order to support you 100%, okay?

I'm gonna help you tell your mom.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

And no matter what she says, remember,

she robbed a bank.

You're way better than her.

Hey, Jerrod, it's me, Bobby.

Look here, I need you to
look at these divorce papers

for me before Nekeisha tracks me down.

Well, Bobby...

I don't know, this all
looks pretty standard.

I mean, you got no kids,

no property, no bank account.

God, y'all got nothing.

According to her financial records,

Nekeisha makes more money than you.

Duh.

Everybody make more money than me.

Wait, are you saying that
she would owe him money?

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.

- Bobby!
- Oh, it's Keisha.

- Give me that.
- Hey, you better sign this quick.

Hurry up, before she gets here.

Bobby, time's up.

Hello, Nekeisha.

I know you was looking for these.

Thank God.

Ha! Got you!

You make more money than me,
so now you owe me support.

I ain't paying you nothing.

We gonna stay married
till I figure out a way

to make less money than you.

Good luck with that.

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