All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s03e01_English

[Announcer] This is an NBC News
special report.

I'm Lester Holt,

and your aunt is now Googling
"Lester Holt shirtless."

This week saw
the historic start

of President Trump's
impeachment trial,

the only trial
where the defendant

and most of the jury
are best friends.

Here are the highlights.

Everyone remember
where you're sitting.

Same seats in two years
when we have to do this again.

No phones, no talking,
only drink water and milk.

I didn't know
there'd be milk here.

Ah, it's been 40 years.
What's one glass of milk?

And if the President
is innocent,

it follows his legal team,
is innocent, too.

Too true.

And I might I add

that you all got nothing
on this president.

Me? I got a lot.

I got so much
my computer won't shut up

about how
it's out of memory.

I just can't wait
to tell Iowa

that their favorite
Harvard professor

got endorsed
by the New York Times.

Oh, I got
that endorsement too.

And if you tell
one farmer,

I will fucking
kill you!

Should we be worried
that Joe Biden

has got Iowa
all to himself?

Hey! Is Iowa the one

where all the serial killers
come from?

Ah, we'll be fine.

[Hillary Clinton]
Hi, Bernie.

I just drove four hours
from Chappaqua

to tell you to eat shit.

[Bernie Sanders]
You got to talk to someone!

It's not healthy.

That's not me.

A lot of people
look like me.

I have a generic look.

Everyone's always
coming up to me asking,

"are you Rick?"

I don't know Rick.

This vote
is a lot pressure.

That might
take off the edge.

Mmm. That is good milk.

Ooh,
I remember this feeling.

This is going great.

The team that best follows
the rules always wins.

I'm done.

Nah, I want some more.

Welcome to the impeachment club,
little buddy.

Isn't it crazy
they always impeach you

for the least bad thing
you did?

They just can't believe
I have this black mark

on my sterling record

of making every day
feel like September 12th.

The presidents in the gallery,
please lower their voices.

[Bill Clinton]
Sorry! I got this thing

where I can't hear dorks!

-I'm not a dork.
-[Bill Clinton] Says every dork!

-[President Trump] Ha!
-Don't laugh.

I'm trying
to fix this thing for you.

[President Trump]
I know. I know.

Why do we even
need to be here?

This thing's
not even over yet,

and look what
McConnell's wearing!

I'm the milk man.
Mitt is the milk man.

The facts are uncontested,

and, yet, still
I feel like I'm losing.

[Susan Collins] Oh, no.
Mouse in the chamber.

Everybody forget this vote
and run.

Senator Collins,
just go be a lobbyist.

Hey, everyone.
It's John Bolton.

The guy
who knows everything.

I'll start talking,

and you tell me when you've
got enough to convict.

Okay, so Trump's on the phone
with Ukraine.

-John, what are you doing?!
-It's called selling books.

You want in?

Eh, I wouldn't mind selling out
my boss for a few bucks.

[President Trump] Rudy,
what the hell?!

What? I can't have
a creative outlet?

There's something
I want to say

about
Barack Hussein Obama.

-[Senators murmuring]
-[Mitt Romney] Not that.

Enough.

Everyone please remember this is
the United States Senate.

We must not degrade
the sacred institution

once home
to Strom Thurmond.

Let us comport ourselves
with dignity, prudence.

And, Senator Collins,
what are you doing?

Oops.
I spilled my gasoline.

Better wipe it up with some
Strike Anywhere matches.

You work and you work,

and this happens,
and it's all worth it.

♪♪♪

I'd like
to solve the puzzle.

"Our Cartoon President."

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Kids, we own this town.

The economy is assing
on all cylinders.

I'm currently DMing

with several
prominent dictators.

And I finally finished
peeling that orange

I found last week.

Sure, we've had scandals,

but they were
far too complex

for the American people
to understand.

Yeah. Can you imagine
if we had a scandal

you could describe
in one sentence?

[reporter] Did you
extort Ukraine

into investigating
your political opponent?

Your question is unclear.

You should probably
split it up

into two or more
complex sentences.

-[reporter #1] Mr. President!
-[reporter #2] Mr. President!

The House is impeaching me

without first asking me
if it's okay?!

We're so sorry.

I tried to explain
that bipartisanship

was more important
than the rule of law,

but the House
wouldn't listen.

What about
the infrastructure bill

we were definitely
going to do?

You don't think
we thought about the bill?

Of course we thought
about the bill!

Adam Schiff is running
this investigation

like he has shark blood
in his veins.

I believe in two things:

the rule of law

and the greatest threat
to our nation is charisma.

Sounds like the Senate
is gonna have a trial.

-Uh-oh!
-Impossible.

It was a perfect,
beautiful call with Ukraine

that had legs for days!

I'd be dating that call

if I wasn't already happily
married to what's-her-name.

[cork pops]

This is going to be
a great year.

♪♪♪

[President Trump] Ever since
the impeachment inquiry began,

I've been a prisoner.

They tell me when to wake up,

when to call into
Fox and Friends,

when to devour
my dry-aged Kobe slop.

[Don Jr.] The Democrats are
controlling the narrative.

You need to fight back
and tell your story.

We can slam this thing
on the I.T. guy's head

until he gives us
a computer.

No one cares about my story,
Don.

I'm a forgotten man.

Back to our ongoing coverage
of Donald Trump's posture.

Let's go to
our posture panel.

Just because
you've given up on you

doesn't mean I'm also gonna
give up on yourself,

as well, too.

This isn't a fairy tale,
Don.

For once, the handsome prince
with a well-defined bulge

doesn't live
happily ever after.

Alright,
I'm gonna go slam this

on the I.T. guy's head
anyway.

[Don Jr.] You, with
the USB drive, get over here!

[cheers and applause]

[Warren] President Trump
is a lawless criminal!

I promise
I'll run the government

the exact opposite:

like a rule-obsessed
German nanny.

-[cheers and applause]

And how am I going to do it?
With plans.

Long, dense,
sumptuously wordy plans

that no American
can make sense of.

I'm the boss, applesauce!

[crowd member] This is doing it
for us somehow!

God, I'm so jazzed!

They were eating
nutritious snacks

out of the palm of
my thoroughly washed hand!

You do know that you're running
for President of America,

not Captain of debate or chess
for whatever smart you-knows.

I need to lie down.

Your message
is too complicated.

I've made mine very simple:

I was born in 1982,
I'm gay,

and I helped destabilize
Afghanistan.

Well, I think voters
want more than that.

Hey, folks,
I'm Joe Biden.

-Do you want more than that?
-[All] No!

♪♪♪

[Trump] So after
the Senate convicts me,

I might just wander the Earth
like a pariah,

moving from barn to barn

until some kid spots me
and the town chases me out.

[All] No!

Sir, if you go down,
then we all go down,

and I don't want
to share a prison cell

with Rudy Giuliani.
I don't blame ya.

If you think
I'm bad to my wives,

you should see what I do
to a toilet.

I've been blacklisted
by every plumber in New York.

I can only get rookies
from Connecticut

with something to prove.

Way to make this
about you guys.

Anything else I can do
besides keep you out of prison?

Get you some ice?

Sir?
Yes, Secretary of Cheese?

I don't want to go prison.

I'm sporty and I'll miss
the great outdoors.

Aww, that's too bad

because you got "Fall Guy"
written all over you.

I wanted to be
the fall guy!

My incriminating fluids

are in their usual spot
in the fridge.

Come on, Mr. President.

Fight these airtight charges,
pleeeeeeasssee.

[All] Pleeeeeeeease!

Alright, I'll think about it.

If only not to think about
Pompeo in hiking shorts.

It's a glorious sight.

[Bill Clinton]
[crying]

Bill, Epstein's been gone
for five months.

Get ahold of yourself.

You've traded your jet
for wings, brother.

[crying]

But her e-mails?

Hillary, me again.

Do you think I've been
sounding too smart?

I'm afraid so.

If there's one lesson
we learned in 2016,

it's that I'm perfect

and voters
are complete morons.

Maybe they just need someone
who'll speak to them

like the detail-oriented,
intellectually rigorous people

that they are.

[laughs]

Yeah,
and Bill is coping well.

If that's Jeffy,

tell him I never
stopped believing!

[suspenseful music plays]

[Conway] Think about it,
Mr. President.

If you cleared your name,

you'd have the freedom to go
anywhere, to do anything.

I've been here so long,

I've forgotten how to imagine
a better life.

You know,
one where Eric's not around.

Can I have money
for a jawbreaker?

Just try, Mr. President.

If I could do anything?

♪ If he could do
annyyyyyything ♪

[Dobbs] Welcome back
to Lou Dobbs Tonight.

We're talking
government overreach

with Newt Gingrich.

Wow, Newt did Dobbs
and Ingraham?

Must be between bookers
or something.

Kellyanne, if I try to beat
this impeachment,

will you stick with me
to the bitter end,

no matter the cost?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Kellyanne? Hello?

Are you okay?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Kellyanne?

Okay, alright,
well, I'm just gonna go.

Uhhhhhhhhh...

[rock music plays
on speakers]

[Warren]
Hillary's wrong.

I know Iowa voters
interrogate the facts

and their unconscious biases

before voting on their
20-minute lunch break.

May I have
everyone's attention?!

You know what chaps my hide?

The Dodd-Frank Act
provided an oversight mandate

for the Consumer Financial
Protection Bureau --

Shut up, lady! We're trying
not to think or feel!

It's just we can end
corruption in Washington

if we just --

[all] Booooo!

Quit tryna make us
think and feel!

I told her to shut up.

Hillary, you were right.

How do I connect with --
what does the media call them?

"Everyday" Americans?

I know just the vacuous dolts
who can try to help.

Just promise me that,
if you win,

you'll name me President.

Bar's driving through
a tunnel.

Gotta go.
[cellphone beeps]

Liz says hi.

Oh, Jeffy,
if you're here,

give me and Alan Dershowitz
a sign.

I-I-I-I-I think
I felt a breeze.

Jeffrey,
can you come back as a ghost

and tell everyone I didn't
take my underpants off?

♪♪♪

[Pence]
Mr. President, a word?

What is it, Mike?

See another cloud
that looks like a nipple

and need some time off?
Yes,

but also, Kellyanne said
you're considering

trying to beat
this impeachment thing.

I am.
I'm just not sure

I have what it takes
to pull this off.

Hey, you can do this,
Mr. President.

You have to.

Thanks, Mike.
You can go now.

No, I don't think
you understand.

You have to do this

because I cannot
become President.

What? Why?

Because I would be
the worst president

in the history
of ever anywhere.

First of all,
not even a decade ago,

I was a radio host,
and a bad one.

Also, I'm dumb.

Up until yesterday,

I had no idea omelets
were made of eggs.

I thought it was
yellow pancakes.

Mike, listen --
No!

You listen to me, butthole.
Whoa!

I don't know
how anything works.

I don't know
where anything is.

I just say it's God
because I am clueless!

Mike, calm down.

Hey!
You have to!

You have to do this!

Okay, okay,
I'll clear my name!

[exhales sharply]
You're doing the right thing.

I know. Just leave.

You're scaring
the shit out of me.

Okay.
Door open or closed?

Whatever you want.
Don't make me think!

I'm bad at it.
Were you not listening?!

Closed.

[door closes]

What the fuck?

[Conway] Since the whole
war with Iran thing

didn't really pop off,

the only way to beat
this impeachment thing

is in the press.

We've met every
communications expert

on the Eastern seaboard.

And they're either too fat,
too ugly,

or too unwilling
to die for me.

What do we do?
There's one more.

[Conway] But I have to warn you,
he's ugly.

[telephone rings]

Sean, are you ready?

[inhales deeply]
You can do this.

I'm sick of the justice system

letting wrongly accused
presidents like you

fall through the cracks.

I want to clear your name.

Do you have
a communications degree?

Nope.
Did you graduate high school?

Nope.
Play any team sports?

Nope.
Can you drive a car?

Nope.
Can you look at a car?

Nope.
Would you be comfortable

taking a breathalyzer
right now?

Nope.
Do you have a fixed address?

Nope.
Ever nodded at someone

without your hat
falling off?

Nope.
Can you hold your head

underwater for two seconds
without drowning?

Nope.
Can you --

Nope.

So as far as I can tell,

God took every chunk
of useless flesh and feces

and packed it into
your one squat frame.

What makes you qualified
to clear my name?

Because I believe you.

♪♪♪

Let's get to work.

♪♪♪

Is there anyone else?
No?

Okay, let's get to work.

Your impeachment trial
is in one week.

Facts won't matter.

What matters is that we tell
a beautiful story

about a man
wrongly accused.

We need to get you out there
in every medium -- TV.

There must be more.

Books?
Books, sure!

Start typing.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Don Junior has a typewriter

covered in human blood
and hair,

but I can hose it down.

♪♪♪

[Warren] Hillary Clinton said

if I could get you three
to understand me,

then I could get through
to anyone.

Sorry the directions
didn't specify

how to operate a door.

I can't get the taste
of the knob out of my mouth.

Thank goodness Chris Cuomo
beat down the door.

My governor dad
taught me that

before setting me up
real nice at CNN

where I read words.
I'm Joe Kennedy.

My Dad was either Ted, Bobby,
or John F. Kennedy, maybe.

Let's start
with my stump speech.

Right now, I begin
by touting my key policies:

modernizing regulations
on influence peddling --

Here's an idea:
how about every speech

comes with a small toy?
Like a cereal box!

Let's get after it.

If I dump a bunch of chicken
into a cereal box,

is that now a cereal?

Uh-oh, tough question
made my brain spring a leak!

What's the rhyme again?

Out the nose,
green is fine,

but when it's red,
me will soon die.

[Cuomo] Hey, can I put
that red stuff on my face

so I look like Braveheart?

[Hannity] Tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick.

Tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick.

His name is Donald Trump

and, in 2019,
he was earning a steady living

as the President
of the United States,

until he found himself
on the wrong side of the law.

Tonight, for the first time,
we hear his side of the story.

I'm just trying
to survive every day.

When was the last time
you saw your family?

Unfortunately,
earlier today.

[crying] Oh, God.

[Hannity] His days are spent
in near total isolation,

[Hannity] disconnected
from reality.

I sleep there.

I go to the bathroom
over there.

Do you get out much?

Once a day,
I'll be allowed out

for a rally with thousands
of screaming racists.

[Hannity] This man's freedom

[Hannity] is being held hostage
by Adam Schiff,

[Hannity]
a California Congressman

[Hannity] who wields his own
brand of ruthless justice.

I will not rest until this man
is brought to justice.

[coughs] Excuse me.

♪♪

What do you say to other
presidents facing impeachment?

They can impeach your body,

but they can never
impeach your mind.

Donald Trump tells his side
of the story

in My Struggle:
A Story of Hope,

available tomorrow
anywhere books are sold

except for Germany.

♪♪♪

So is it cereal?

Nah,
it's milky chicken.

Bummer!
I'm one of the Kennedys.

[sighs]
Elizabeth, what's wrong?

I just don't know how to appeal
to people like you.

What do you mean
people like us?

Guys who sleep with

a couple hundred little
tiny curlers in their hair?

Is there any plan
you can get behind?

Ugh, plan this, plan that.
Plan that, plan this.

Seriously, cut me off.
I can't stop.

Plan this, plan that.
I wish I had plans,

but my campaign manager
just keeps telling me

to say my last name
and shut my handsome face.

I didn't vote for Trump
for his plans.

He said America was bad
and he'd make it great.

That was a story
I wanted to be a part of.

So you don't think
about which candidate

has the policies that most align
with your values?

You just vote for
who tells the best story?

-Uh-huh.
The best stories

have trucks that talk.

♪♪♪

[exhales sharply]

[keypad beeping]

[line ringing]
[Clerk] Bookstore. Yeah?

Hi, do you carry
My Struggle: A Story of Hope

by Donald Trump?

[Clerk]
You'll have to speak up!

It's bedlam here!

Do you have My Struggle:
A Story of Hope?

[Clerk] Naw, man. Naw.
Oh, okay.

You don't carry it?

[Clerk]
Naw, man, it's sold out.

[Clerk] I gotta go.
You take care, okay?

[Clerk]
Keep readin', brother.

♪♪

♪ A phone call rang out ♪

♪ And the President answered ♪

♪ It was Zelensky
talking Javelins ♪

♪ And someone wrote down
a transcript ♪

♪ Of the President asking for
an illegal favor ♪

♪ And now Nancy Pelosi's calling
that impeachable behavior ♪

[All] ♪ Whoa,
Why does Trump have to go? ♪

♪ Just because
he committed the crimes ♪

♪ And admitted the crimes ♪

-♪ Doesn't mean he should go ♪
-♪ Doesn't mean he should go ♪

[violin plays out of tune]

Hold on, Brian.
That's a rental, take it easy.

[violin continues playing]

Brian, I think you're going
a little too hard on that thing.

♪ Why does Trump have to go? ♪

That was a big deposit,
Brian.

Please take it easy.

♪ Why does Trump have to go? ♪

Lighter, Brian, lighter.

Little more of a touch.

[violin continues playing]

Fine, this is on you.

I'm gonna blame you, Brian.

[crowd chanting "Free Trump!"]

Facts don't stand
a chance against us.

I want you to have this.

"Dear Sean,
Put this book on your hat

so that, when you nod,
your hat doesn't fall off.

Sincerely, the 45th President
of the United States."

Wow, you saved me a lot of money
on a chin strap.

[Cuomo]
Doctor said I'm a goner

if I swallow
one more gold chain,

but I think he's just trying
to scare me.

Oh, Lizzy's on!

When I was a little girl,

America was good,

but then the bad man
came along and made it bad,

and I want to make it good again

with the help
of my talking truck.

His name is Beep Beep...
[horn honks]

...and, like me,
he loves America.

I sure do!
Thanks, Beep Beep.

[Warren] Elect me,
bad man goes bye-bye,

and every American
gets a small toy.

[Warren] I'm Elizabeth Warren,
and I approve good.

-Heck yeah.
-Elizabeth, wow!

Beep Beep endorsed
before the convention.

Unthinkable!

[all chanting "Free Trump!]

♪ If he could do anything ♪

[Dobbs] Thanks for joining us,
Newt.

Now let's turn to
Donald Trump's impeachment spat

with Democrats.

Donald, wake up.

[Schumer]
Do you hear me, Donald?

Donald! Wake up!

Whoa! How the F
did you get in here?

We made an appointment

and arrived
at the designated time.

You sneaky rat bastards.

You've woven
quite the fairy tale,

but tomorrow
is your impeachment trial,

and it won't be about
whose story is better.

It will be about
the facts.

Evidence you pressured Ukraine
to spy on Biden

somehow includes
blood and semen.

I thought I told Pompeo
to scrub that country down.

We're so sorry, Donald.

And the biggest tragedy?

The trial fell
right in the middle

of infrastructure week.

♪♪♪

[Woman] We're on in 10.

Wow, I'm up among men
pinned under dirt bikes

and women who put
little wooden signs

that say "kitchen"
in their kitchens.

I just have to hold my own
against the chessmaster.

Okay, everyone, please
don't leave your mess here.

This is where
I do the show --

Oh, it's my script.
Sorry, everyone.

♪♪♪

Senator Elizabeth Warren,
thanks for joining us.

Thanks, Chuck.

And I'd just like to say:
Warren good.

Wow, nice message
discipline.

Turning to domestic issues,
the Dodd-Frank Act

provided
an oversight mandate

for the Consumer Financial
Protection Bureau.

Ooh, yummy topic.
Mama likey.

Please explain to me

how you get
a full-time chairperson

confirmed in the Senate.

Uh, um,
it's a complicated issue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

that's not
what you said before.

You're off message.
I got you in a gaffe.

Let's get the graphic up.

Hmm, maybe I should be
the President

and she should be the guy
who got yelled at

by one of his interns
yesterday.

[narrator]
C-Span will no longer air

[narrator]
the 92nd Street Y conversation

[narrator] between David Brooks,
David Frum, David Axelrod,

[narrator] David Plotz,
and David Plouffe,

[narrator]
moderated by David Remnick.

Instead, we go live
to the floor of the Senate

for the impeachment trial
of the President.

[indistinct conversations]

Hey, if Mike Pence comes by,

just project confidence.

He's been acting like
a complete luna--

Hey, Mike!

What a great day
for justice!

I'm so excited
to see you prevail.

Thanks, Mike.
Yeah.

So you feel like
it's gonna work out?

Like, you're gonna be president
for awhile?

Uh, yeah.

Sean?
Yeah, for sure.

So I don't need to study up
in the next few hours,

like learn
who won World War II?

Figure out how to open
a desk drawer?

I think you're good.

Oh, hey, I think Karen
was looking for you.

Yeah,
you should go find her.

Cool, cool, cool.
Door open or closed?

There's no door, Mike.
Cool.

See you guys later.

Karen!

♪♪♪

Hey, Lizzy Whatever,
we saw "Meet the Press."

You were good.
Warren good.

Warren didn't feel good.

Warren felt like an idiot.

When someone calls me an idiot,
I just go to sleep.

Problem solved.

How do I even show my face
at the impeachment trial?

I got embarrassed
by Chuck Todd.

I know
this isn't the best time,

but can you give this
to Beep Beep?

♪♪♪

[gavel bangs]

The sergeant-at-arms
will make the proclamation.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

All persons are commanded
to keep silent

on pain of imprison--

[up-tempo music plays]

[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

[announcer] welcome
to the impeachment trial

[announcer] of the President
of the United States.

[announcer] And now
here's your defendant:

[announcer]
Donald J. Trump!

[music continues]

♪♪♪

Thank God that worked.

In rehearsal, the whale carcass
stuffed with dumbbells

ripped the harness ropes
in half.

You know, you weren't
required to attend.

Yeah, I don't know
if you noticed,

but we're doing things
a little differently this term.

Speaking for the prosecution,
Congressman Schiff?

Oh, fuck.
Oh, Lord.

According to transcripts

released by your
own administration...

eight phone calls...

inappropriately moved to
a highly classified server...

blood and semen...

which according to 95%
of legal scholars,

fits the very definition
of treason.

So we're just going to overlook

how fabulous the White House
was decorated for Christmas?

It's a witch hunt, got it.

I'm thinking after this,
we do some potato skins,

maybe Skee-Ball.

Donald, I haven't seen
that much evidence

since they raided
Ailes' office.

Hey, so just to be safe,

World War II was the one
in Vietnam, right?

♪♪♪

[Carlson]
Today's impeachment proceedings

were such a disaster
for the President

that even I can see
where this is heading.

My loyalty is now for sale
to the highest bidder.

Phone lines are open.
No opinion is too depraved.

♪♪♪

[President Trump] So for
the resignation ceremony,

I'm thinking sobbing masses
here and here.

No, Mr. President,
don't do it.

That reminds me:

let's have a guy
wrapped in tin foil show up,

say he's from the future,

and say my resignation
leads to the end of mankind.

Uh-huh. And what are
you thinking for the kids?

They can just catch
a cab home.

Mr. President,
you're not resigning.

You're going to be acquitted
by the Senate tomorrow.

Hello, Democrats have
what many describe as

a "satanic orgy
of evidence."

And the Republicans have
a satanic orgy of votes,

so we win.

So if I'm reading this
correctly,

you don't care
what I did?

I have not been following
this case in the slightest.

I've just been
calling Republicans

in the middle of the night
and breathing into the phone.

They get it.

Are you okay, Elizabeth?

You haven't touched
your chicken-y cereal.

I thought we agreed
it was milky chicken.

Some friend you are!

I'm sorry.

I just know now

that Americans electing
a smart, female president

is a fairy tale.

Don't knock fairy tales.

Fairy tales give us hope.

And they teach us
how poor people

need magic and talking mice
to succeed.

Or they're the basis for
an entire political dynasty.

They do give us hope,
don't they?

People sort of need them.

Hey, can you guys give me
a ride back to Washington?

[murmuring]

We'll do it
for one million dollars.

-And a toy!
-No.

Fine, but a heads up:
none of us drive good.

[indistinct conversations]

[crane whirring]

I rented the crane
for seven days

but the suit for one.

Real hot dogs and buns
situation here.

[gavel bangs]

The defense will now
make their case.

Whoo! Go defense!

That's who I'm secretly
rooting for!

Not a secret anymore now,
is it?

Who do you think you are,
my dad?

What do I, walk in on you all
the time shaving your ass?

And then you tell me
to go get the vacuum?

Is that what
you think you are?

Well, you aren't!

Hey, has anyone
seen my flask?

It looks like an old bottle
of sunscreen.

Actually it is an old bottle
of sunscreen.

Lifetime appointment,
folks.

Would the attorney
for Mr. Trump

deliver their
opening statement?

Attorney General Barr
is in Indiana

digging up dirt
on Pete Buttigieg --

spoiler: he might be gay --

while Giuliani is
testing pick up lines

at the 9/11 Memorial.

So I'll be
representing myself.

Folks, I've been so concerned
with weaving a fairy tale

about how I'm the least criminal
president in history

that I forgot the facts.

Specifically, Republicans
have a Senate majority

so I can get away with
whatever I want.

-The end.
-That's my guy!

[Pompeo] Greetings,
people of 2020.

I'm from the future.

Do not remove Trump from office
for mankind's --

Mike, I'm not resigning.

Someone should've told you.

-[tires squeal, thump]
-[senators gasp]

Aw, crap!

Kennedy, your family's experts
on this sort of thing.

Get to work.
I'm okay.

If anyone finds any bones,

just slip them into the pocket
of my hiking shorts.

Thank God.
Alright, everyone, shut up!

This is Cuomo Prime Time,

my first guest
is Elizabeth Warren.

The fact of the matter is

that the Senate Republicans
have the majority.

And if there's one thing
I've learned,

it's that facts
can be a real bummer.

If you want to win over
the American people,

you've got to give them hope.

You got to tell them a story
they can believe in.

And, sure,
maybe it's a fairy tale,

but it gives us something
to aspire to.

[applause]

And that's why I want to be

the first Native American
President in history.

Bill, I got a lane
to run for president!

Would you mind leaving
the country for a year?

No problem.

Dershowitz and I
just got a hot tip

on a man who looks like Jeffy
down in Peru.

If anyone asks,
we flew the whole way

with our underpants on.
Bye.

Each Senator,
when his or her name is called,

will stand in his or her place
and vote guilty or not guilty.

Guilty.
Native American?!

Come on, Liz,
we've been through this.

Despite every word
out of my mouth before 2016,

the President
is an angel on Earth.

Not guilty.

Ted Cruuuuz!

Allow me to consult
the Lord.

[speaking gibberish]

Not guilty!

[Judge Roberts]
Senator Collins?

[mumbling]

[Judge Roberts] Senator?
[mumbling]

[Judge Roberts]
A little clearer.

[mumbling]

[Judge Roberts] Senator.
I'm a little girl.

I can't vote.
Tra-la-la-lee-loo!

President Trump is a symptom
of a larger problem

with the system

that I will now
describe in detail.

[Judge Roberts] We don't
have time for this.

We'll just mark down
"guilty."

Yeah, okay, sure.

In the name of preserving
the infrastructure bill,

not guilty.

The President is a disgrace
to the office,

a blight
on our nation's history,

and an existential threat
to democracy itself.

Not guilty.

According to the tally,

on these articles
of impeachment,

the President is not guilty
as charged.

-Way to go, dad!
-Way to win!

Oh, thank God.
I'm so happy!

Hey, what'd I miss?

Anyway, I want you guys
to meet Brenda.

Come here, Brenda.

We just did it in
the North Tower reflecting pool.

[Hannity] We did it,
Mr. President.

Check it out.

My hat's staying on
and I'm nodding my head!

[crowd cheering in distance]
Did you hear that?

They're celebrating my acquittal
in the streets!

[crowd cheering]

I don't get it.
The Democrats are happy?

We did it!

We kind of held
the president accountable!

[crowd chanting "Kinda!"]

But most importantly,

we showed that this story
isn't over!

[cheers and applause]

What is she talking about?

Oh, yeah, the election.

['80s-style pop music plays]

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!