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1
00:00:02,624 --> 00:00:04,124
[off-kilter music]
2
00:00:11,166 --> 00:00:14,501
[Tim] Look, I always try and tell my wife the truth, okay?
3
00:00:14,503 --> 00:00:17,070
But, obviously, I haven't always been able
4
00:00:17,072 --> 00:00:19,172
to tell her the whole truth.
5
00:00:19,508 --> 00:00:20,740
My name is Tim Faris.
6
00:00:20,742 --> 00:00:22,275
This is my wife, Eve,
7
00:00:22,277 --> 00:00:24,511
and our daughter, Mallory.
8
00:00:24,513 --> 00:00:26,212
She's 15 now.
9
00:00:26,214 --> 00:00:28,348
[grumbles] That's Dax. Lives next door.
10
00:00:28,350 --> 00:00:29,315
Friend of Mallory's.
11
00:00:29,317 --> 00:00:30,583
Just ignore him.
12
00:00:36,425 --> 00:00:38,725
I work as a tour guide in Sedona,
13
00:00:38,727 --> 00:00:40,760
a small town in Northern Arizona,
14
00:00:40,762 --> 00:00:43,763
famous for its vast red rock formations,
15
00:00:43,765 --> 00:00:47,801
hundreds of energyvortexes, or vortices, whatever,
16
00:00:49,271 --> 00:00:51,604
for its beautiful dark skies,
17
00:00:52,741 --> 00:00:56,476
but most of all for its constant UFO activity.
18
00:00:59,414 --> 00:01:00,780
[man screams]
19
00:01:03,085 --> 00:01:04,651
My own alien abduction story
20
00:01:04,653 --> 00:01:06,553
starts 16 years ago...
-[spaceship whooshes]
21
00:01:06,555 --> 00:01:08,621
...just after Eve and I got married
22
00:01:08,623 --> 00:01:11,324
and about nine months before Mallory was born.
23
00:01:14,096 --> 00:01:17,130
To be honest, things weren't going well between Eve and me,
24
00:01:17,132 --> 00:01:18,765
so when one drunken night
25
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:21,267
I met a beautiful woman with a spaceship,
26
00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:25,772
well, it's not the kind of thing you can share with your wife.
27
00:01:27,242 --> 00:01:28,441
On the other hand,
28
00:01:28,443 --> 00:01:29,642
you shouldn't keep these kind
29
00:01:29,644 --> 00:01:31,578
of things bottled up inside.
30
00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:33,713
Luckily, I do have a place I can go
31
00:01:33,715 --> 00:01:35,582
where I can relate to everyone.
32
00:01:39,454 --> 00:01:41,554
I'm James, and I'm an abductee.
33
00:01:41,556 --> 00:01:42,722
Hi, James.
34
00:01:43,391 --> 00:01:45,892
I'm Kim, and I'm an abductee.
35
00:01:45,894 --> 00:01:47,193
Hi, Kim.
36
00:01:47,195 --> 00:01:48,428
It's been 24 hours
37
00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:50,363
since my last abduction.
38
00:01:50,665 --> 00:01:53,333
Hi, I'm Tim,
and I'm an abductee.
39
00:01:56,505 --> 00:01:59,472
What? I was abducted. I swear.
40
00:01:59,474 --> 00:02:00,473
It's not an abduction
41
00:02:00,475 --> 00:02:01,574
unless the spacecraft
42
00:02:01,576 --> 00:02:02,675
actually lifts off.
43
00:02:03,745 --> 00:02:05,578
That's so unfair.
44
00:02:07,682 --> 00:02:09,149
[theme music]
45
00:02:17,559 --> 00:02:19,559
[alien] Take us to your leader.
46
00:02:19,561 --> 00:02:21,361
We come in peace.
47
00:02:21,363 --> 00:02:24,497
[clears throat] I think
I might stay home tonight.
48
00:02:28,737 --> 00:02:30,603
I just love seeing
their little faces light up
49
00:02:30,605 --> 00:02:32,505
when I pass out the candy.
50
00:02:32,507 --> 00:02:33,940
I don't want to miss that,
51
00:02:36,244 --> 00:02:38,261
so I'm just going to stay
home, okay?
52
00:02:38,262 --> 00:02:40,279
-Okay.
-But you can get me
a Butterfinger. [chuckles]
53
00:02:41,349 --> 00:02:42,949
-[alien] Ew, gross.
-[chuckles]
54
00:02:43,652 --> 00:02:44,784
[Mallory] Ugh.
55
00:02:44,786 --> 00:02:46,286
How's it feel kissing an alien?
56
00:02:47,622 --> 00:02:51,658
Oh, um, it feels
just like kissing my wife
57
00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:54,194
-except, you know, more purple.
-[Eve chuckles]
58
00:02:54,196 --> 00:02:55,962
-You sure you don't
want to come?
-Come on, Dad.
59
00:02:55,964 --> 00:02:57,797
It just means more candy for us.
60
00:02:59,334 --> 00:03:01,267
The bags are in the car.
61
00:03:04,439 --> 00:03:05,872
[ignition clicks]
62
00:03:20,322 --> 00:03:21,554
[hood bangs]
63
00:03:27,229 --> 00:03:29,395
Next week me and my friends
want to go picket the pet store
64
00:03:29,397 --> 00:03:30,930
to stop selling live animals.
65
00:03:30,932 --> 00:03:31,998
Will you take me?
66
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,301
You want them to
start selling dead animals?
67
00:03:35,303 --> 00:03:36,703
That doesn't
sound very vegetarian.
68
00:03:36,705 --> 00:03:38,771
[laughs] Dad!
69
00:03:39,708 --> 00:03:42,575
Anyway, I'm not just
a vegetarian, I'm vegan.
70
00:03:42,978 --> 00:03:46,813
Vegan? You mean
like Vegan, the star?
71
00:03:46,815 --> 00:03:50,250
No, I mean vegan,
like no animal products.
72
00:03:50,252 --> 00:03:51,718
Oh. [chuckles]
73
00:03:52,287 --> 00:03:53,319
Come on, we can walk.
74
00:03:57,626 --> 00:03:59,325
-So, vegan, huh?
-Mm-hmm.
75
00:03:59,327 --> 00:04:00,827
[Tim] How long
have you been vegan?
76
00:04:00,829 --> 00:04:02,362
Since about four o'clock.
77
00:04:03,298 --> 00:04:04,330
[Tim] Huh.
78
00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:07,467
[whimsical music]
79
00:04:11,473 --> 00:04:13,406
[Tim] I, I am really sorry
80
00:04:13,408 --> 00:04:15,975
about the temporary
accommodations back there.
81
00:04:23,718 --> 00:04:25,785
So, follow the path to the top.
82
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,820
Where, exactly, are
these things going to land?
83
00:04:27,822 --> 00:04:31,658
Oh, well, well,
it's very, very unlikely
84
00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:34,827
that we'll see an actual
UFO today, Mr. Halford,
85
00:04:34,829 --> 00:04:39,532
but, uh, we visit sites where
UFO landings have been reported,
86
00:04:41,069 --> 00:04:44,570
so here's what we know
based on abductees' reports.
87
00:04:44,572 --> 00:04:47,407
Their technology
is unbelievable.
88
00:04:47,409 --> 00:04:49,809
Have you ever
been abducted, mister?
89
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:50,743
Well, yes.
90
00:04:50,745 --> 00:04:51,911
Yes, I have.
91
00:04:51,913 --> 00:04:53,746
Cool, where did they take you?
92
00:04:54,616 --> 00:04:57,884
Well, we didn't
actually go anywhere.
93
00:04:58,453 --> 00:05:00,620
That's not a real abduction.
94
00:05:00,622 --> 00:05:01,721
[whimsical music]
95
00:05:02,857 --> 00:05:04,424
[Tim] Let's take a look.
96
00:05:18,773 --> 00:05:20,073
[whimsical music]
97
00:05:24,779 --> 00:05:28,748
Uh, thanks for everything
you do, Eve. [chuckles]
98
00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:30,450
[Eve] Bye, Pastor Paul.
99
00:05:36,925 --> 00:05:38,124
[ominous music]
100
00:05:43,465 --> 00:05:45,598
I thought drinking
was against your religion.
101
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,633
[Eve] Jesus
turned water into wine.
102
00:05:47,635 --> 00:05:50,103
I don't think he'd mind us
having champagne
for our anniversary.
103
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,475
A hundred bucks?
104
00:05:57,445 --> 00:05:58,811
[birds chirping]
105
00:05:58,813 --> 00:06:01,381
[Mallory] You don't own me, LOL.
106
00:06:01,383 --> 00:06:02,715
The joke's on you.
107
00:06:02,717 --> 00:06:05,485
You're my mother,
not my jailer, mofo,
108
00:06:05,487 --> 00:06:07,587
so hang up the Nazi attitude
109
00:06:07,589 --> 00:06:10,056
and get me a cell phone.
110
00:06:10,058 --> 00:06:11,391
-[groans]
-[chuckles]
111
00:06:11,393 --> 00:06:13,626
It's beautiful, dear.
112
00:06:13,628 --> 00:06:14,961
Thank you.
113
00:06:14,963 --> 00:06:17,730
You have a real gift for words.
114
00:06:17,732 --> 00:06:20,867
[chuckles] Thanks, Grammy.
115
00:06:23,104 --> 00:06:24,437
Are you comfy?
116
00:06:24,439 --> 00:06:25,505
I'm fine.
117
00:06:25,507 --> 00:06:28,841
I just love having you
here to keep me company.
118
00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:33,780
Do you know how old I was
when I got my first cell phone?
119
00:06:35,049 --> 00:06:36,082
63.
120
00:06:37,085 --> 00:06:38,551
[Mallory chuckles]
121
00:06:40,088 --> 00:06:42,455
[Eve] Mallory, dinner's ready.
122
00:06:43,191 --> 00:06:44,791
Bags off the table, please.
123
00:06:44,793 --> 00:06:45,758
[Tim] Oh.
124
00:06:51,733 --> 00:06:53,633
Wow, this looks amazing.
125
00:06:56,171 --> 00:06:57,737
[Eve] Vegetarian.
126
00:06:58,606 --> 00:06:59,872
Absolutely no meat.
127
00:07:00,809 --> 00:07:05,178
I'm vegan, so I don't
eat eggs or dairy.
128
00:07:11,653 --> 00:07:12,785
[fork clunks]
129
00:07:13,188 --> 00:07:14,187
[Tim sighs]
130
00:07:14,856 --> 00:07:16,756
For what
we are about to receive,
131
00:07:16,758 --> 00:07:19,892
may the Lord
make us truly thankful.
132
00:07:23,498 --> 00:07:24,997
Everybody's got one.
133
00:07:24,999 --> 00:07:26,132
Not everyone.
134
00:07:26,134 --> 00:07:27,533
What?
135
00:07:27,535 --> 00:07:28,901
-A cell phone.
-A cell phone.
136
00:07:28,903 --> 00:07:30,503
Jeez, Dad,
don't you pay any attention
137
00:07:30,505 --> 00:07:32,004
to what's going on
in the real world?
138
00:07:32,006 --> 00:07:34,540
Mallory, do not use
the Lord's name in vain.
139
00:07:34,542 --> 00:07:36,876
What Lord's name?
I didn't say anything.
140
00:07:36,878 --> 00:07:38,578
[Eve] Abbreviations count, dear.
141
00:07:39,047 --> 00:07:40,546
You mean "jeez"?
142
00:07:40,548 --> 00:07:43,216
[laughs] Everybody says "jeez."
143
00:07:43,218 --> 00:07:45,051
-It doesn't mean anything.
-Mallory!
144
00:07:45,620 --> 00:07:47,987
[grunts] OMG!
145
00:07:49,224 --> 00:07:50,690
[napkin slams]
146
00:07:50,692 --> 00:07:51,891
[chair scrapes]
147
00:07:54,529 --> 00:07:55,495
[plate clinks]
148
00:07:55,497 --> 00:07:56,629
[sighs]
149
00:07:57,565 --> 00:07:58,998
You know what
would be good with this?
150
00:07:59,534 --> 00:08:00,566
Ketchup.
151
00:08:00,902 --> 00:08:02,168
[whimsical music]
152
00:08:14,916 --> 00:08:16,249
[eerie music]
153
00:08:21,890 --> 00:08:22,955
[gasps]
154
00:08:22,957 --> 00:08:24,123
[clunks]
155
00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:26,626
[upbeat music]
156
00:08:27,562 --> 00:08:28,895
Well, I appreciate the gesture,
157
00:08:28,897 --> 00:08:30,162
but you don't
have to kneel for me.
158
00:08:30,798 --> 00:08:31,764
Andromeda?
159
00:08:31,766 --> 00:08:32,865
[chuckles]
160
00:08:32,867 --> 00:08:34,033
[Tim] Holy crap!
161
00:08:34,769 --> 00:08:36,202
What are you doing here?
162
00:08:36,204 --> 00:08:38,538
I don't know.
I just dropped by to say hi.
163
00:08:38,540 --> 00:08:40,106
[chuckles] What is this thing?
164
00:08:41,843 --> 00:08:43,843
I-- I use it to attract aliens.
165
00:08:43,845 --> 00:08:44,810
It's--
166
00:08:45,313 --> 00:08:46,812
I can't believe this.
167
00:08:46,814 --> 00:08:48,314
I never
thought I'd see you again.
168
00:08:48,316 --> 00:08:51,784
Yeah, but here I am
in the flesh, so to speak.
169
00:08:51,786 --> 00:08:53,286
I told you I'd come back.
170
00:08:54,789 --> 00:08:56,789
15 years is a really long time.
171
00:08:58,860 --> 00:09:00,826
How-- how did you
even know where I live?
172
00:09:01,129 --> 00:09:02,228
I'm an alien, dummy.
173
00:09:02,230 --> 00:09:03,195
We know--
174
00:09:03,765 --> 00:09:05,565
almost everything.
175
00:09:06,134 --> 00:09:07,133
Almost.
176
00:09:07,135 --> 00:09:11,871
Since you're here, I need you
to come with me to a meeting,
177
00:09:11,873 --> 00:09:14,040
so you can tell
everybody about the abduction.
178
00:09:14,042 --> 00:09:15,141
[laughs]
179
00:09:15,143 --> 00:09:17,176
[clears throat] The abduction?
180
00:09:17,178 --> 00:09:18,811
Oh, you mean when the,
181
00:09:18,813 --> 00:09:21,347
yeah, no, um, there
was no abduction, Tim.
182
00:09:21,349 --> 00:09:23,049
We didn't go anywhere.
183
00:09:23,051 --> 00:09:25,217
We can fix that
right now if you want.
184
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:26,786
That would be awesome.
185
00:09:26,788 --> 00:09:27,987
[Andromeda] Wouldn't it be?
186
00:09:27,989 --> 00:09:29,822
Yes, come on. [laughs]
187
00:09:30,291 --> 00:09:32,258
I-- I got about 20 minutes.
188
00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:33,859
Oh, oh, no, no,
189
00:09:33,861 --> 00:09:35,795
I'm talking about for the
rest of your life.
190
00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:37,163
[chuckles]
191
00:09:37,165 --> 00:09:38,664
I can't do that.
192
00:09:38,666 --> 00:09:40,032
[sighs]
193
00:09:40,034 --> 00:09:41,834
You disappoint me, Tim.
194
00:09:41,836 --> 00:09:43,002
Wouldn't be the first time.
195
00:09:43,004 --> 00:09:46,606
Besides, you're not
the only human I came to see.
196
00:09:46,608 --> 00:09:48,975
[Tim] Wait, wait,
Andromeda, wait.
197
00:09:49,644 --> 00:09:50,776
Let's talk.
198
00:09:54,682 --> 00:09:57,283
Okay, I want to
make myself very clear.
199
00:09:57,285 --> 00:09:58,751
Yeah, me too.
200
00:09:58,753 --> 00:09:59,986
[pants]
201
00:10:02,824 --> 00:10:03,990
[Eve] Dear?
202
00:10:03,992 --> 00:10:08,294
Tim, shall I see if the hot tub
is warm enough yet?
203
00:10:08,296 --> 00:10:10,363
[Tim] Uh, uh, I'm on it. [pants]
204
00:10:10,365 --> 00:10:11,631
Where are you?
205
00:10:11,633 --> 00:10:13,165
Um, I'm dealing with a pest.
206
00:10:13,868 --> 00:10:14,800
A rat?
207
00:10:14,802 --> 00:10:16,335
Um, a skunk.
208
00:10:19,273 --> 00:10:21,307
Um, no, no, you
don't want to go down there.
209
00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:22,942
It's, it's, it's, it's crazy.
210
00:10:22,944 --> 00:10:24,243
I'll take care of it.
211
00:10:24,245 --> 00:10:25,745
-Oh. Okay.
-It's, it's, it's okay.
212
00:10:28,716 --> 00:10:29,982
Now where were we?
213
00:10:33,421 --> 00:10:34,854
No, stop it!
214
00:10:34,855 --> 00:10:36,288
This is going to happen either
my way or no way at all, okay?
215
00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:39,959
Oh, my God, it is so super-cute
when you try to be
dominating, oh.
216
00:10:40,361 --> 00:10:44,230
You're going to take me on
a very quick trip to outer space
217
00:10:44,232 --> 00:10:46,966
so that I can get pictures
and prove it happened, okay?
218
00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:49,301
Now, meet me tomorrow at noon
219
00:10:49,303 --> 00:10:51,404
at the base of Thunder Mountain.
220
00:10:51,406 --> 00:10:52,772
Do you understand?
221
00:10:54,342 --> 00:10:57,209
[Eve] A skunk, huh?
I don't smell anything.
222
00:10:57,211 --> 00:10:59,078
[chuckles] No, weird, huh?
223
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,248
Must have been one
of those albino skunks.
224
00:11:03,284 --> 00:11:05,151
-[tarp whooshes]
-[water splashes]
225
00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:09,889
Ew, there's got to be a better
way to cover it than this.
226
00:11:13,795 --> 00:11:16,262
[gasps] Oh, I'm going
to go get changed.
227
00:11:16,264 --> 00:11:18,898
Do you remember when
we used to be spontaneous?
228
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,233
[sighs]
Yes, but we grew up, sweetie.
229
00:11:21,235 --> 00:11:22,902
We have responsibilities now.
230
00:11:23,371 --> 00:11:24,303
[water splashes]
231
00:11:24,305 --> 00:11:26,138
Oh! Tim!
232
00:11:28,476 --> 00:11:30,943
Okay, I can be spontaneous.
233
00:11:30,945 --> 00:11:32,044
[Tim] Bring it.
234
00:11:35,116 --> 00:11:36,282
Oh, oh!
235
00:11:36,284 --> 00:11:38,317
-[water splashes]
-[gasps] Oh.
236
00:11:38,319 --> 00:11:39,919
Sit down. You'll be warmer.
237
00:11:43,891 --> 00:11:44,890
Oh.
238
00:11:46,094 --> 00:11:48,094
I baptize you in the name of
239
00:11:48,096 --> 00:11:50,096
the alien race
that came to Earth
240
00:11:50,098 --> 00:11:51,397
that you call God.
241
00:11:51,399 --> 00:11:53,065
Tim, oh, my gosh!
242
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:54,800
-That wasn't funny.
-[laughs]
243
00:11:54,802 --> 00:11:55,801
Say you're sorry.
244
00:11:55,803 --> 00:11:56,769
[water splashes]
245
00:11:56,771 --> 00:11:57,870
[giggles]
246
00:11:58,272 --> 00:11:59,238
Oh!
247
00:12:02,877 --> 00:12:03,626
Oh!
248
00:12:03,627 --> 00:12:04,376
-I'm going to get you.
-[laughs]
249
00:12:08,516 --> 00:12:10,282
-Okay, okay, okay.
-Oh, my gosh.
250
00:12:10,284 --> 00:12:12,118
Truce, truce.
251
00:12:13,421 --> 00:12:15,821
-You are crazy, Tim.
-[pants] Truce.
252
00:12:16,491 --> 00:12:18,190
-Oh.
-Oh.
253
00:12:18,192 --> 00:12:20,326
I'm going to have
to do my hair again. [chuckles]
254
00:12:21,429 --> 00:12:22,428
[sighs]
255
00:12:23,865 --> 00:12:25,498
What do those look like to you?
256
00:12:27,235 --> 00:12:28,334
[Eve] Jet trails.
257
00:12:29,103 --> 00:12:30,770
[Tim] They look
like numbers to me.
258
00:12:31,806 --> 00:12:34,206
I-- I've been seeing
11/11 everywhere lately.
259
00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:37,409
That's wonderful.
260
00:12:38,846 --> 00:12:39,979
You don't mind?
261
00:12:39,981 --> 00:12:42,047
[chuckles] Why would I mind?
262
00:12:42,850 --> 00:12:45,284
It's just God reminding you
of something important.
263
00:12:48,523 --> 00:12:50,523
Thank you.
I'm glad you see it like that.
264
00:12:50,525 --> 00:12:54,226
[chuckles] Can you believe it's
going to be 16 years next week?
265
00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:58,564
[chuckles] I've
invited a ton of people.
266
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:01,033
I told Mallory
she can invite a friend or two.
267
00:13:01,035 --> 00:13:03,502
You know, female,
of course. [chuckles]
268
00:13:04,839 --> 00:13:06,572
You know, in a couple of years
269
00:13:06,574 --> 00:13:09,041
the conversation
won't be about cell phones.
270
00:13:09,844 --> 00:13:11,343
It'll be about cars.
271
00:13:11,345 --> 00:13:14,213
[scoffs] Oh, please
don't say that. [chuckles]
272
00:13:14,215 --> 00:13:16,382
-Letting her...
-I cannot handle that right now.
273
00:13:16,384 --> 00:13:17,850
...letting her have a cell phone
274
00:13:17,852 --> 00:13:19,185
doesn't mean
she'll get pregnant.
275
00:13:19,921 --> 00:13:22,221
But if she has a cell
phone, she's going to--
276
00:13:23,491 --> 00:13:25,024
[both breath heavily]
277
00:13:36,470 --> 00:13:38,070
I just can't do that right now.
278
00:13:39,006 --> 00:13:39,972
I'm sorry.
279
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:47,112
[Tim sighs]
280
00:13:49,283 --> 00:13:50,883
[crickets chirping]
281
00:13:57,191 --> 00:13:58,290
[Eve clears throat]
282
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:08,901
Every man I know
pees standing up.
283
00:14:08,903 --> 00:14:10,469
Well, it's your turn
to clean it, then.
284
00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:13,539
-I aim carefully.
-I know you do,
285
00:14:13,541 --> 00:14:16,575
but you're supposed to aim
at the inside, not the outside.
286
00:14:16,577 --> 00:14:18,410
-[Tim chuckles]
-[gasps]
287
00:14:18,412 --> 00:14:19,578
Ew!
288
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:21,947
Oh, ooh, ew, ew, ew, ew.
289
00:14:22,884 --> 00:14:25,084
I want to go out. We're going
to picket the pet store
290
00:14:25,086 --> 00:14:26,352
to stop selling live animals.
291
00:14:28,656 --> 00:14:30,122
Tim, can you take her, please?
292
00:14:30,124 --> 00:14:31,290
I already have plans tonight.
293
00:14:31,292 --> 00:14:32,458
Well, I would, but I have
294
00:14:32,460 --> 00:14:33,659
a toilet to clean.
295
00:14:34,462 --> 00:14:36,161
You know,
this wouldn't be an issue
296
00:14:36,163 --> 00:14:38,931
if you would just
let her have a cell phone.
297
00:14:38,933 --> 00:14:42,301
We wouldn't have to
chaperone her around everywhere.
298
00:14:42,303 --> 00:14:43,602
I am not willing
to risk losing her.
299
00:14:44,305 --> 00:14:46,272
Pastor Paul
has really opened my eyes
300
00:14:46,274 --> 00:14:48,340
to the dangers
of modern communications.
301
00:14:48,342 --> 00:14:50,142
Cell phones lead to texting.
302
00:14:50,144 --> 00:14:51,310
Texting leads to dating.
303
00:14:51,312 --> 00:14:52,511
Dating leads to pregnancy.
304
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:54,046
It's not worth it.
305
00:14:58,152 --> 00:14:59,251
[Tim sighs]
306
00:15:01,122 --> 00:15:02,187
[zipper zips]
307
00:15:02,189 --> 00:15:03,289
[door tapping]
308
00:15:05,459 --> 00:15:07,359
[giggles] Hello, lover!
309
00:15:07,361 --> 00:15:09,328
-[upbeat music]
-Hey!
310
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:10,529
[locks clank]
311
00:15:12,133 --> 00:15:13,365
[Tim gasps]
312
00:15:14,368 --> 00:15:15,367
Hello!
313
00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:16,969
[bangs on door]
314
00:15:16,971 --> 00:15:17,970
[Tim] Go away.
315
00:15:17,972 --> 00:15:19,338
You better let me in.
316
00:15:19,340 --> 00:15:21,073
I'm going to start
making a scene out here.
317
00:15:21,075 --> 00:15:22,374
You don't want that.
318
00:15:24,211 --> 00:15:25,344
Hi.
319
00:15:25,346 --> 00:15:28,447
I told you I'd meet you
at Thunder Mountain.
320
00:15:31,152 --> 00:15:32,952
Nice place you got here.
321
00:15:35,423 --> 00:15:39,425
[chuckles]
I love your style. [purrs]
322
00:15:40,294 --> 00:15:43,495
Oh, oh, I need
to see my daughter.
323
00:15:44,332 --> 00:15:45,965
She's Eve's daughter now.
324
00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:48,100
-You gave her up.
-Oh, come on.
325
00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:50,569
I, I, I really want to
hang out with her, you know,
326
00:15:50,571 --> 00:15:52,304
and, you know, kick it with her.
327
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,540
It's a little late for that.
328
00:15:54,542 --> 00:15:56,108
Um, okay, look, how about--
329
00:15:57,078 --> 00:15:59,078
how about you tell your wifey
330
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:03,115
that I am here
doing a documentary
331
00:16:03,117 --> 00:16:06,018
about Crock-Pots that believe
in UFOs.
332
00:16:06,387 --> 00:16:07,353
It's perfect.
333
00:16:07,355 --> 00:16:09,021
Do you mean crackpots?
334
00:16:10,291 --> 00:16:12,124
Oh, what's a Crock-Pot?
335
00:16:12,426 --> 00:16:14,059
Oh, well, it's--
336
00:16:14,061 --> 00:16:15,995
We don't have time for that.
337
00:16:15,997 --> 00:16:18,130
-Eve's going to be
home any minute now.
-Okay, great.
338
00:16:18,132 --> 00:16:19,765
Can she tell me
what a Crock-Pot is?
339
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:23,702
No! No, just forget
about videos, or photos, or...
340
00:16:23,704 --> 00:16:26,105
[sighs] ...I'm not
going to lie to my wife.
341
00:16:26,107 --> 00:16:28,073
[laughs] It's a little
late for that. [laughs]
342
00:16:28,075 --> 00:16:29,775
You see what I did there?
343
00:16:30,711 --> 00:16:33,178
I, I'll e-mail you
some photos or something.
344
00:16:33,180 --> 00:16:35,748
Just don't ever come back here,
345
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:38,183
and you do not get to see her.
346
00:16:39,186 --> 00:16:40,719
Okay, but what if I take you
347
00:16:40,721 --> 00:16:43,088
on a tour of the solar system?
348
00:16:43,090 --> 00:16:44,790
[purrs] Because you like
349
00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:47,359
-the solar--
-No, stop, stop.
350
00:16:48,062 --> 00:16:49,361
[laughs]
351
00:16:49,363 --> 00:16:51,663
-[gasps] Oh, my--
-Okey-dokey, well,
352
00:16:51,665 --> 00:16:53,565
-um, yeah.
-But give a second--
353
00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:56,602
We'll definitely think
about Mormonism
354
00:16:56,604 --> 00:16:58,170
-and whether it might...
-No.
355
00:16:58,172 --> 00:16:59,505
-...be right for us.
-Hold on a second.
356
00:16:59,507 --> 00:17:00,773
-Hold on, I just--
-See you, bye.
357
00:17:00,775 --> 00:17:02,374
-[Andromeda] Wait, wait.
-[Tim] Bye.
358
00:17:03,611 --> 00:17:06,745
Wow, you really got
to admire people
359
00:17:06,747 --> 00:17:09,314
with faith
in such crazy ideas, right?
360
00:17:09,316 --> 00:17:10,449
Are you ready?
361
00:17:10,451 --> 00:17:11,583
Let's go picket.
362
00:17:11,585 --> 00:17:15,320
Um, no, let's, let's
go out the back door, um,
363
00:17:15,823 --> 00:17:18,223
because actually
it's such a nice night
364
00:17:18,225 --> 00:17:20,259
and those crazy
Mormons are out there.
365
00:17:20,828 --> 00:17:22,795
[whimsical music]
366
00:17:39,380 --> 00:17:40,813
[Tim] Good morning, sweetie.
367
00:17:47,321 --> 00:17:48,654
[pad whooshes]
368
00:17:56,263 --> 00:17:57,329
I've stopped speaking.
369
00:17:57,731 --> 00:17:59,264
Why have you stopped speaking?
370
00:18:14,415 --> 00:18:15,714
[whimsical music]
371
00:18:17,651 --> 00:18:20,319
[Eve] Tim, would you
like to come with me?
372
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:23,655
I'm sure Pastor Paul
would really love to meet you.
373
00:18:23,657 --> 00:18:25,624
[Tim] Well, Jesus
said suffer the children,
374
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,861
so I'll stay home
and make sure Mallory suffers.
375
00:18:34,135 --> 00:18:35,734
-[Eve screams]
-[screams] Oh, God!
376
00:18:35,736 --> 00:18:37,736
-[Eve gasps]
-[gasps] I'm sorry.
377
00:18:37,738 --> 00:18:40,672
You, you left the door unlocked.
I didn't think you'd mind.
378
00:18:40,674 --> 00:18:43,709
Uh, there must be
some misunderstanding.
379
00:18:43,711 --> 00:18:45,444
-I have no, I--
-[footsteps thump]
380
00:18:45,446 --> 00:18:46,845
-Tim?
-What happened?
381
00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:48,213
[all gasp]
382
00:18:49,617 --> 00:18:52,351
Eve, this, this is Andromeda.
383
00:18:52,353 --> 00:18:55,754
I-- I hadn't expected her
to show up today.
384
00:18:56,757 --> 00:18:57,689
[Eve] Oh.
385
00:18:58,759 --> 00:19:01,727
She's here to
interview me and Mallory.
386
00:19:02,463 --> 00:19:03,829
Oh, why?
387
00:19:03,831 --> 00:19:06,298
Well, I'm doing
a documentary about UFOs,
388
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:08,600
and I wanted
to interview his daughter
389
00:19:08,602 --> 00:19:11,336
to find out what it was
like living with a crackpot.
390
00:19:12,173 --> 00:19:14,506
-Oh, a crackpot?
-Yeah, that's what I said.
391
00:19:14,508 --> 00:19:17,910
Oh... [laughs] I thought
you meant Crock-Pots.
392
00:19:17,912 --> 00:19:21,213
I can give you the good
stories on both of those things,
393
00:19:21,215 --> 00:19:23,649
but, um, I really have to go.
394
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:27,953
Maybe next time.
395
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,422
-Bye, hon.
-Bye.
396
00:19:30,424 --> 00:19:33,892
I'm very excited to
film you in your documentary
397
00:19:33,894 --> 00:19:37,563
for the UFO thing.
398
00:19:38,799 --> 00:19:40,766
Um, what do I do?
399
00:19:40,768 --> 00:19:43,468
Told you give me a few days.
400
00:19:43,470 --> 00:19:44,603
What are you talking about?
401
00:19:44,605 --> 00:19:46,305
I want to see my daughter.
402
00:19:46,874 --> 00:19:49,374
You cannot tell
Mallory who you are.
403
00:19:49,376 --> 00:19:51,343
Oh, my gosh, you can't
tell me what to do.
404
00:19:51,345 --> 00:19:54,846
I'm begging you, please,
just Eve can't find out, just,
405
00:19:54,848 --> 00:19:56,748
just tell her you're, you're,
406
00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:59,818
you're a... [stutters] friend
of the family or something.
407
00:19:59,820 --> 00:20:01,553
All right, whatever.
408
00:20:01,555 --> 00:20:05,324
You-- you just say
hello and then leave, okay?
409
00:20:05,326 --> 00:20:08,293
[stutters] I don't know.
410
00:20:08,295 --> 00:20:09,428
Okay?
411
00:20:09,430 --> 00:20:10,596
[groans] Okay.
412
00:20:10,598 --> 00:20:12,698
[Tim] Mallory. Oh, huh.
413
00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:14,266
[Andromeda gasps]
414
00:20:14,268 --> 00:20:15,767
There's someone
I'd like you to meet.
415
00:20:16,303 --> 00:20:17,369
Hi.
416
00:20:22,443 --> 00:20:24,943
Oh, she can't speak.
417
00:20:30,384 --> 00:20:31,617
Hold on.
418
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:36,989
I'm your mother.
419
00:20:37,591 --> 00:20:38,523
What are you doing?
420
00:20:38,525 --> 00:20:39,558
Oh, my gosh.
421
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,326
I, I, I was going to say
422
00:20:41,328 --> 00:20:42,995
I'm your mother's friend.
423
00:20:42,997 --> 00:20:44,896
Now the cat's out of the bag.
Sorry.
424
00:20:48,469 --> 00:20:49,835
She's your mother's friend.
425
00:20:49,837 --> 00:20:51,770
No, stop lying.
426
00:20:51,772 --> 00:20:55,841
I had sex with your father
a long time ago, and, well,
427
00:20:55,843 --> 00:20:57,409
-I guess--
-Will you please shut up?
428
00:20:57,411 --> 00:20:59,911
I mean, you were drunk,
but I, what?
429
00:20:59,913 --> 00:21:01,446
[door slams]
430
00:21:02,049 --> 00:21:06,018
When, when a man
loves a woman very much,
431
00:21:06,020 --> 00:21:09,454
but that woman
is constantly depressed,
432
00:21:09,456 --> 00:21:14,459
and that man goes to
a party without that woman,
433
00:21:14,995 --> 00:21:17,729
and gets really drunk...
434
00:21:21,802 --> 00:21:23,068
[Mallory sobs]
435
00:21:23,070 --> 00:21:25,037
You can't tell
your other mother.
436
00:21:27,608 --> 00:21:29,941
Thank you.
Your sermons are so inspiring.
437
00:21:29,943 --> 00:21:31,977
It's good to see you, Eve.
438
00:21:31,979 --> 00:21:33,612
Thank you for all your service.
439
00:21:33,614 --> 00:21:35,514
God is very grateful.
440
00:21:35,916 --> 00:21:37,049
I enjoy it.
441
00:21:37,051 --> 00:21:40,752
Perhaps you'd like to come
by for lunch one day this week.
442
00:21:40,754 --> 00:21:44,323
Oh, um, I'll see you
at the food bank.
443
00:21:48,796 --> 00:21:51,029
I'm really, really sorry, okay?
444
00:21:51,765 --> 00:21:54,666
I wanted to tell you,
but I just,
445
00:21:54,668 --> 00:21:56,802
I didn't think
you were quite old enough.
446
00:21:57,971 --> 00:21:59,971
I'm not proud
of what I did, okay?
447
00:22:01,942 --> 00:22:05,877
I had a one-night stand
with that woman, Andromeda.
448
00:22:08,349 --> 00:22:11,616
Sex was just amazing,
like mind-blowingly cosmic...
449
00:22:12,386 --> 00:22:13,618
[Mallory sobs]
450
00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:15,087
...and then nine months later
451
00:22:15,889 --> 00:22:20,659
Andromeda shows up with
this tiny wriggling pink thing.
452
00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:24,896
I made up a story about you
being abandoned by the creek.
453
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,100
Can't we just
keep her for one night?
454
00:22:31,138 --> 00:22:32,504
She's the most,
455
00:22:32,505 --> 00:22:33,871
she's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
456
00:22:36,009 --> 00:22:37,542
We had just lost a baby,
457
00:22:37,878 --> 00:22:40,078
but she saw you
for the first time.
458
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,747
You healed her heart.
459
00:22:44,385 --> 00:22:45,617
Please just hear me out.
460
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:51,089
Just, just one
more, just tiny detail.
461
00:22:51,091 --> 00:22:52,057
Andromeda is...
462
00:22:52,059 --> 00:22:53,392
[sighs]
463
00:22:53,394 --> 00:22:58,663
...is, is a vegan,
Vegan, she, she... [sobs]
464
00:22:59,933 --> 00:23:02,768
...I don't mean
no animal products.
465
00:23:13,647 --> 00:23:14,780
[spoon clunks]
466
00:23:16,550 --> 00:23:18,450
Put your dish in the dishwasher.
467
00:23:28,862 --> 00:23:31,530
We can do our animal
rights protesting later, honey.
468
00:23:31,532 --> 00:23:32,898
Come on, let's, let's go.
469
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:34,599
[off-kilter music]
470
00:23:40,941 --> 00:23:42,908
All right, here we go.
471
00:23:49,616 --> 00:23:50,782
Oh.
472
00:23:54,721 --> 00:23:55,887
There you go.
473
00:23:58,692 --> 00:24:01,193
All right, Mr. and Mrs...
474
00:24:02,463 --> 00:24:04,763
Sophie Jones and Clint Lane.
475
00:24:05,833 --> 00:24:07,132
You kept your maiden name.
476
00:24:07,134 --> 00:24:08,967
-That's, that's cool.
-I'm an actress.
477
00:24:08,969 --> 00:24:10,569
I use it as my stage name.
478
00:24:10,571 --> 00:24:12,170
Oh, cool, cool.
479
00:24:13,173 --> 00:24:15,006
Okay, okay, right this way.
480
00:24:21,114 --> 00:24:23,815
Um, so how long
have you been married?
481
00:24:23,817 --> 00:24:25,584
-Eight years.
-Five years.
482
00:24:28,622 --> 00:24:30,222
Oh, we're not
married to each other.
483
00:24:31,658 --> 00:24:33,091
We're having an affair.
484
00:24:33,627 --> 00:24:36,027
We decided
to have a weekend away.
485
00:24:36,563 --> 00:24:37,762
The affair was in trouble.
486
00:24:38,499 --> 00:24:39,564
She's exaggerating.
487
00:24:39,566 --> 00:24:40,832
We're fine.
488
00:24:40,834 --> 00:24:42,901
Affairs don't just
happen, Clint.
489
00:24:42,903 --> 00:24:44,536
You have to work at them.
490
00:24:44,538 --> 00:24:46,872
Well, good news.
It's felt like work recently.
491
00:24:47,174 --> 00:24:50,509
This is the place
where Daniel Wirtzuk
492
00:24:50,511 --> 00:24:52,110
first encountered his,
493
00:24:52,112 --> 00:24:55,714
the-- the extraterrestrials
from the crashed ship.
494
00:24:55,716 --> 00:24:57,215
I'm sure there's another woman.
495
00:24:57,885 --> 00:24:59,951
You, you mean another
other woman?
496
00:24:59,953 --> 00:25:02,988
Exactly, another other woman.
497
00:25:06,627 --> 00:25:08,860
The aliens, uh, will, will,
498
00:25:08,862 --> 00:25:11,963
will see this
from their spaceship
499
00:25:11,965 --> 00:25:14,900
and think it's one of
their own craft in distress.
500
00:25:14,902 --> 00:25:16,735
We call it a bait ship.
501
00:25:18,005 --> 00:25:19,704
I have another word for it.
502
00:25:19,706 --> 00:25:21,072
I'd call it batshit.
503
00:25:28,048 --> 00:25:29,681
At first the sex is great.
504
00:25:30,684 --> 00:25:33,251
But then eventually
you're just trapped by two women
505
00:25:33,253 --> 00:25:34,553
instead of one.
506
00:25:40,794 --> 00:25:44,663
Imagine being able to
see how, how they live,
507
00:25:44,665 --> 00:25:47,198
how they eat,
how, how they reproduce.
508
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:48,934
Alien porn.
509
00:25:48,936 --> 00:25:50,335
I'll stick around for that.
510
00:25:57,110 --> 00:25:58,143
Should I?
511
00:25:58,145 --> 00:25:59,277
[Clint scoffs]
512
00:26:02,783 --> 00:26:06,017
Well... [chuckles] let's
continue on, I guess, um.
513
00:26:15,195 --> 00:26:16,995
Anyone ever tell you
you look like that guy
514
00:26:16,997 --> 00:26:18,663
from that singing show?
515
00:26:20,901 --> 00:26:22,200
I'm incognito.
516
00:26:22,903 --> 00:26:24,135
[harmonica honks]
517
00:26:28,709 --> 00:26:32,243
Wow, that is you!
Wow, that's cool!
518
00:26:32,245 --> 00:26:35,080
That's great. I, I think
you have a good chance, man.
519
00:26:35,949 --> 00:26:38,350
Hey, I just joined
the competition to get laid.
520
00:26:39,252 --> 00:26:42,754
[sighs] I vaguely
remember what that feels like.
521
00:26:42,756 --> 00:26:44,189
Are you married, then?
522
00:26:44,191 --> 00:26:45,757
16 years.
523
00:26:47,127 --> 00:26:49,127
[sighs] We get married
for the sex,
524
00:26:49,129 --> 00:26:51,863
and what's the first thing
that goes after the honeymoon?
525
00:26:52,699 --> 00:26:55,400
Yeah, try losing a baby, too.
526
00:26:56,269 --> 00:26:57,268
Aw, ouch.
527
00:26:59,072 --> 00:27:01,373
That's why guys like us
have to have affairs.
528
00:27:02,943 --> 00:27:06,878
No, met a hot alien and
didn't have enough willpower.
529
00:27:09,316 --> 00:27:10,382
For real?
530
00:27:10,384 --> 00:27:11,850
[whimsical music]
531
00:27:13,654 --> 00:27:15,387
Did you film that,
by any chance?
532
00:27:26,700 --> 00:27:28,400
[stammers]
533
00:27:30,370 --> 00:27:31,703
There you go.
534
00:27:33,407 --> 00:27:34,406
[sighs]
535
00:27:35,809 --> 00:27:37,342
¶ Your mind ¶
536
00:27:39,413 --> 00:27:42,347
¶ About leaving ¶
537
00:27:42,883 --> 00:27:47,252
¶ Leaving me behind ¶
538
00:27:47,254 --> 00:27:50,455
¶ Oh baby ¶
539
00:27:50,457 --> 00:27:51,856
¶ Bring it to me ¶
540
00:27:51,858 --> 00:27:53,458
[remote clicks]
541
00:27:53,460 --> 00:27:55,460
I wonder what the rest of
that sentence was going to be.
542
00:27:56,763 --> 00:27:57,796
Sorry?
543
00:27:59,433 --> 00:28:00,799
Mallory's graffiti.
544
00:28:00,801 --> 00:28:02,133
What do you think
she was writing?
545
00:28:02,703 --> 00:28:04,402
"You can't tell me what to do.
You're..."
546
00:28:05,706 --> 00:28:07,305
Not the boss of me?
547
00:28:11,344 --> 00:28:13,912
Oh, you'll never guess
who I gave a tour to today.
548
00:28:13,914 --> 00:28:17,148
Hang on. I want to watch the
rest of "American Voice Talent."
549
00:28:17,150 --> 00:28:18,483
I missed Thursday's episode
550
00:28:18,485 --> 00:28:20,218
and I want to see
who gets knocked off.
551
00:28:20,220 --> 00:28:22,020
That's what
I'm trying to tell you.
552
00:28:22,022 --> 00:28:25,056
I just met one of the
contestants, Clint Dwayne,
553
00:28:25,058 --> 00:28:27,926
and I think
we saw an actual UFO.
554
00:28:31,998 --> 00:28:34,733
Pastor Paul says
there's no such thing as aliens.
555
00:28:36,803 --> 00:28:37,969
[pot thuds]
556
00:28:40,006 --> 00:28:43,975
He says those creatures
that, stoned rednecks see
557
00:28:43,977 --> 00:28:46,144
when flying saucers land
on their trailer,
558
00:28:47,781 --> 00:28:51,349
are actually demons
sent by Satan to tempt us.
559
00:28:52,085 --> 00:28:54,819
[chuckles] Wow,
560
00:28:55,222 --> 00:28:58,256
he sounds like he is
really out there. [chuckles]
561
00:28:59,860 --> 00:29:01,993
I thought we could
have lunch on the patio.
562
00:29:04,364 --> 00:29:07,132
You know, my allergies
are kind of acting up.
563
00:29:07,134 --> 00:29:09,033
I-- I think
I'm going to stay inside.
564
00:29:15,842 --> 00:29:17,108
Dax!
565
00:29:17,110 --> 00:29:18,076
Dax, come here.
566
00:29:18,078 --> 00:29:19,344
I-- I need your help.
567
00:29:20,947 --> 00:29:23,815
I'm hoping you can defuse
some of her anger.
568
00:29:23,817 --> 00:29:27,385
She won't talk to me
or her mother, Eve.
569
00:29:45,305 --> 00:29:47,405
Whoa, have you gone blind?
570
00:29:49,109 --> 00:29:51,543
Dude, this is really effed up.
571
00:29:52,078 --> 00:29:54,279
Thank you for
your diagnosis, doctor.
572
00:29:54,848 --> 00:29:56,848
[Tim] Talk to her, please.
573
00:29:56,850 --> 00:29:58,082
Just--
574
00:30:08,395 --> 00:30:09,360
Hey, babe.
575
00:30:12,332 --> 00:30:13,464
Did you see that?
576
00:30:13,466 --> 00:30:15,133
She looked right at me.
577
00:30:16,903 --> 00:30:18,403
I cured her blindness.
578
00:30:18,405 --> 00:30:19,904
[whimsical music]
579
00:30:34,988 --> 00:30:39,190
40 years and I have
never gotten tired of that view.
580
00:30:41,061 --> 00:30:42,026
How's Eve?
581
00:30:43,129 --> 00:30:44,128
Fine, I guess.
582
00:30:45,432 --> 00:30:47,365
How am I supposed to know?
583
00:30:49,269 --> 00:30:52,937
If you are
honest and kind with her,
584
00:30:53,373 --> 00:30:54,472
she'll open up to you.
585
00:30:56,543 --> 00:30:57,976
Do you still love her?
586
00:30:59,079 --> 00:31:00,211
Of course I do.
587
00:31:00,614 --> 00:31:02,881
Well, then show her
once in a while.
588
00:31:09,522 --> 00:31:11,322
[resolute music]
589
00:31:14,561 --> 00:31:15,927
[sighs]
590
00:31:22,102 --> 00:31:23,401
[whirring]
591
00:31:32,078 --> 00:31:33,211
Ow!
592
00:31:43,123 --> 00:31:44,923
[gasps] Tim,
593
00:31:45,358 --> 00:31:46,591
-what are you doing?
-Sh.
594
00:31:47,694 --> 00:31:50,995
Sh, come with me.
595
00:31:51,464 --> 00:31:52,664
What's going on?
596
00:31:53,166 --> 00:31:54,465
Just trust me.
597
00:31:54,467 --> 00:31:56,501
-Just follow me.
-[chuckles]
598
00:31:57,237 --> 00:31:58,469
Right this way.
599
00:31:59,205 --> 00:32:00,338
[Eve] Okay.
600
00:32:00,707 --> 00:32:03,074
[chuckles] Sit, sit.
601
00:32:07,113 --> 00:32:08,446
Now you can look.
602
00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:13,651
Wow, what's all this for?
603
00:32:14,587 --> 00:32:17,722
I thought we could use a
little romantic dinner for two.
604
00:32:17,724 --> 00:32:18,990
For no reason?
605
00:32:18,992 --> 00:32:21,426
For a very definite reason:
606
00:32:21,428 --> 00:32:22,527
because I love you.
607
00:32:23,163 --> 00:32:24,395
And what about Mallory?
608
00:32:25,031 --> 00:32:27,031
I love her too,
but she's not hungry.
609
00:32:27,033 --> 00:32:28,566
She's staying
in her room tonight.
610
00:32:28,568 --> 00:32:29,701
I should go say hi.
611
00:32:29,703 --> 00:32:32,070
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
612
00:32:33,106 --> 00:32:34,205
There's no need.
613
00:32:34,741 --> 00:32:36,207
She's fine.
614
00:32:36,209 --> 00:32:37,141
[thuds]
615
00:32:37,143 --> 00:32:38,343
[sobs]
616
00:32:38,345 --> 00:32:42,347
For an appetizer, may I
suggest chocolate eclairs?
617
00:32:43,316 --> 00:32:45,350
[Eve] Uh, chocolate
eclairs for a starter?
618
00:32:45,352 --> 00:32:46,284
Cheers.
619
00:32:46,286 --> 00:32:47,652
[thuds]
620
00:32:48,388 --> 00:32:50,488
[sobs]
621
00:32:50,490 --> 00:32:54,692
May I recommend the strawberry
cream cake galore.
622
00:32:54,694 --> 00:32:58,563
[laughs] Oh.
623
00:33:02,202 --> 00:33:05,770
Mm, I have to admit you played
your cards right tonight.
624
00:33:05,772 --> 00:33:08,239
This could be your lucky night.
625
00:33:08,241 --> 00:33:09,240
[gasps]
626
00:33:11,044 --> 00:33:12,510
For what he is about to receive,
627
00:33:12,512 --> 00:33:14,512
may the Lord
make him truly thankful.
628
00:33:18,618 --> 00:33:20,084
[Eve sighs]
629
00:33:22,655 --> 00:33:26,090
[sighs] Thank you
for the meal, captain.
630
00:33:26,493 --> 00:33:27,658
I loved it.
631
00:33:28,161 --> 00:33:29,627
You're welcome, number one.
632
00:33:31,331 --> 00:33:34,232
Would you like
to explore my quarters?
633
00:33:38,071 --> 00:33:39,203
[Eve sighs]
634
00:33:43,209 --> 00:33:45,476
[sighs] Welcome
to your final frontier.
635
00:33:46,746 --> 00:33:47,812
Warp speed?
636
00:33:55,622 --> 00:33:57,422
[screams] Mallory!
637
00:33:57,424 --> 00:34:01,426
Uh, um, I was wondering
how you were doing, sweetie.
638
00:34:02,128 --> 00:34:03,161
Uh, uh.
639
00:34:04,097 --> 00:34:05,063
[toy thuds]
640
00:34:05,065 --> 00:34:05,830
What?
641
00:34:09,169 --> 00:34:11,235
What in heaven's name
is that about?
642
00:34:12,572 --> 00:34:13,738
What is that?
643
00:34:13,740 --> 00:34:15,773
Um, it looks like
644
00:34:15,775 --> 00:34:17,809
it might be some kind of,
645
00:34:17,811 --> 00:34:19,844
um, spycam.
646
00:34:20,613 --> 00:34:22,180
Someone's spying on our family?
647
00:34:24,317 --> 00:34:25,650
Doesn't that worry you?
648
00:34:25,652 --> 00:34:27,218
Yeah, yeah, of course.
649
00:34:27,220 --> 00:34:28,286
Course it does.
650
00:34:28,288 --> 00:34:29,654
I'm going to go to Walmart.
651
00:34:30,156 --> 00:34:32,490
[sighs] They have to
have a scanner, you know,
652
00:34:32,492 --> 00:34:34,459
so that we can
scan our house for bugs.
653
00:34:34,461 --> 00:34:36,294
Yeah, I'm sure they got those.
654
00:34:36,296 --> 00:34:39,530
They got everything, right?
Um, but, um, um,
655
00:34:39,532 --> 00:34:42,567
don't you have to go to
the food bank in the morning?
656
00:34:44,104 --> 00:34:46,104
You know what? I'll go.
657
00:34:46,706 --> 00:34:48,473
You just get
some sleep, you know?
658
00:34:59,119 --> 00:35:00,318
[tires crunch]
659
00:35:01,821 --> 00:35:03,488
[upbeat music]
660
00:35:07,260 --> 00:35:08,793
Ha-ha! [laughs]
661
00:35:10,296 --> 00:35:12,296
Hey, buddy, let's chat.
662
00:35:12,298 --> 00:35:13,764
Let's catch up on old times.
663
00:35:13,766 --> 00:35:15,233
Are you mad?
664
00:35:15,802 --> 00:35:18,136
I'm a little frustrated,
but that's not the point.
665
00:35:18,138 --> 00:35:19,237
Make something up.
666
00:35:19,906 --> 00:35:21,372
Get out!
667
00:35:22,709 --> 00:35:24,408
Fine, if that's
the way you want it.
668
00:35:24,410 --> 00:35:26,611
-Hey, everybody!
-Okay, okay, okay, okay!
669
00:35:30,783 --> 00:35:32,383
[phone beeps]
670
00:35:34,187 --> 00:35:35,653
[phone rings]
671
00:35:35,655 --> 00:35:37,522
-[Eve] Hello?
-[Tim] Hi, hon. Um,
672
00:35:37,524 --> 00:35:39,190
hey, there seems to be
673
00:35:39,192 --> 00:35:42,627
some kind of alien
visitation happening, um--
674
00:35:42,629 --> 00:35:43,594
[Eve] Really?
675
00:35:43,596 --> 00:35:44,762
[Tim] So I might go by
676
00:35:44,764 --> 00:35:46,364
and check that out, uh,
677
00:35:46,833 --> 00:35:48,699
after I go to the store, okay?
678
00:35:48,701 --> 00:35:50,201
[Eve] Okay,
679
00:35:50,203 --> 00:35:51,302
-be careful.
-Okay.
680
00:35:51,304 --> 00:35:52,270
Love you.
681
00:35:54,274 --> 00:35:55,773
-Was really good.
-[Tim sighs]
682
00:35:56,509 --> 00:35:57,775
Let's party.
683
00:35:57,777 --> 00:35:59,310
[upbeat music]
684
00:35:59,846 --> 00:36:01,279
[crickets chirping]
685
00:36:06,252 --> 00:36:07,485
Why did we come here?
686
00:36:07,887 --> 00:36:10,688
[pants] Why did you
even come back?
687
00:36:11,858 --> 00:36:15,326
And why am I seeing
11/11 everywhere now?
688
00:36:15,328 --> 00:36:16,527
That's when I leave,
689
00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:22,567
but you have
to do something for me...
690
00:36:23,336 --> 00:36:24,368
[pats blanket]
691
00:36:24,370 --> 00:36:25,336
...right here.
692
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:29,574
I, I can't do anything with you.
693
00:36:29,576 --> 00:36:32,610
I'm not talking about having
sex with me, you big dummy.
694
00:36:32,612 --> 00:36:36,347
Come on, I have come
a long way to see you.
695
00:36:36,349 --> 00:36:37,648
The least you could do is...
696
00:36:39,619 --> 00:36:40,985
tell me about our daughter.
697
00:36:43,456 --> 00:36:44,789
[Andromeda sighs]
698
00:36:44,791 --> 00:36:46,557
[Tim] And then,
in fifth grade, she made
699
00:36:46,559 --> 00:36:48,926
-the honor roll.
-That's amazing. So good.
700
00:36:48,928 --> 00:36:51,229
You know, if, if I used
the flux capacitors
701
00:36:51,231 --> 00:36:53,297
to control
the iambic pentameter,
702
00:36:53,299 --> 00:36:55,666
we could be gone for three days,
but come back,
703
00:36:55,668 --> 00:36:57,401
like an hour or two
after we leave.
704
00:36:57,403 --> 00:36:58,703
[chuckles]
705
00:36:58,705 --> 00:37:01,639
That would be fantastic! Oh!
706
00:37:03,543 --> 00:37:06,877
Flux capacitors to
control the iambic pentameter?
707
00:37:06,879 --> 00:37:09,614
Yes, you don't have
any words for our technology,
708
00:37:09,616 --> 00:37:13,684
so I use words that earthlings
can relate to, you know?
709
00:37:15,355 --> 00:37:17,455
It's going to be
centuries before you have a--
710
00:37:19,425 --> 00:37:21,759
life-is-like-
a-box-of-chocolates drive.
711
00:37:26,399 --> 00:37:27,431
Chyea.
712
00:37:27,734 --> 00:37:29,333
[upbeat music]
713
00:37:38,478 --> 00:37:39,577
[Tim sighs]
714
00:37:43,916 --> 00:37:45,449
[insects chirping]
715
00:37:49,856 --> 00:37:51,455
[phone rings]
716
00:37:53,326 --> 00:37:54,458
Hello?
717
00:37:54,460 --> 00:37:56,761
James, I'm going into space,
718
00:37:56,763 --> 00:37:58,796
and this time
it will be undeniable.
719
00:38:00,566 --> 00:38:01,866
James?
720
00:38:01,868 --> 00:38:03,834
You do understand
that Abductees Anonymous
721
00:38:03,836 --> 00:38:06,904
is for people who
want to stop being abducted?
722
00:38:07,774 --> 00:38:09,940
I know, but... [sighs] you guys
723
00:38:09,942 --> 00:38:12,343
are the only people
I can really relate to.
724
00:38:13,980 --> 00:38:15,346
Okay, Tim.
725
00:38:15,848 --> 00:38:17,682
Just be sure to
bring plenty of Vaseline.
726
00:38:17,684 --> 00:38:19,550
-[upbeat music]
-Vaseline?
727
00:38:21,654 --> 00:38:22,720
Why?
728
00:38:22,721 --> 00:38:23,787
[scoffs]
You don't think. [scoffs]
729
00:38:24,590 --> 00:38:28,059
No, no, no, no,
Andromeda wouldn't do that.
730
00:38:29,395 --> 00:38:30,428
Would she?
731
00:38:30,430 --> 00:38:31,829
They all use probes, Tim.
732
00:38:40,106 --> 00:38:41,939
Um, excuse me.
733
00:38:43,343 --> 00:38:45,409
What aisle do you
keep the Vaseline on?
734
00:38:45,812 --> 00:38:46,911
11?
735
00:38:47,580 --> 00:38:48,746
11.
736
00:39:00,860 --> 00:39:02,593
[upbeat country music]
737
00:39:04,731 --> 00:39:08,065
¶ A long time ago When my wife was depressed ¶
738
00:39:08,067 --> 00:39:09,667
¶ I went to a party-- ¶
739
00:39:09,669 --> 00:39:11,569
That's him. That's the guy
I gave a tour to.
740
00:39:11,571 --> 00:39:14,905
¶ I slept with an Alien and she gave birth ¶
741
00:39:14,907 --> 00:39:16,040
¶ With me and my daughter ¶
742
00:39:16,042 --> 00:39:17,441
Oh, I recognize him.
743
00:39:17,443 --> 00:39:18,676
Wow, he was on your tour?
744
00:39:18,678 --> 00:39:19,944
¶ My wife didn't know ¶
745
00:39:19,946 --> 00:39:21,779
¶ That little baby was mine ¶
746
00:39:21,781 --> 00:39:22,847
¶ We adopted her ¶
747
00:39:22,849 --> 00:39:24,115
[Eve] This is catchy.
748
00:39:24,117 --> 00:39:25,549
¶ And now everything's fine ¶
749
00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:30,020
¶ But my wife's Lost all her sex drive ¶
750
00:39:30,022 --> 00:39:32,390
¶ And I'm About to lose my mind ¶
751
00:39:32,892 --> 00:39:34,992
-He's good. I want
to vote for him.
-¶ Her temperature ¶
752
00:39:34,994 --> 00:39:37,161
-¶ Took a nosedive ¶
-Give me your phone.
753
00:39:37,163 --> 00:39:38,529
¶ She's romantically ¶
754
00:39:38,531 --> 00:39:40,030
¶ Disinclined ¶
755
00:39:40,666 --> 00:39:43,734
¶ My wife's Lost all her sex drive ¶
756
00:39:43,736 --> 00:39:46,971
-What's the number?
-¶ And it just seems so unfair ¶
757
00:39:47,507 --> 00:39:50,708
¶ My wife's Lost all her sex drive ¶
758
00:39:50,710 --> 00:39:53,944
¶ She's as Frosty as a polar bear ¶
759
00:39:56,516 --> 00:39:57,882
[Clint] Hi, this is Clint.
760
00:39:57,884 --> 00:40:00,017
Leave your name and message.
761
00:40:00,019 --> 00:40:01,152
Be right back to you.
762
00:40:01,154 --> 00:40:02,186
Maybe.
763
00:40:02,188 --> 00:40:03,754
[whimsical music]
764
00:40:18,771 --> 00:40:20,704
Hi, this is Clint.
765
00:40:20,706 --> 00:40:22,540
Leave your name and message.
766
00:40:22,542 --> 00:40:23,808
Be right back to you.
767
00:40:23,810 --> 00:40:24,775
Maybe.
768
00:40:27,046 --> 00:40:28,446
[groans]
769
00:40:44,864 --> 00:40:46,063
[Mallory scoffs]
770
00:40:53,539 --> 00:40:56,140
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
771
00:40:56,142 --> 00:40:57,775
What just went on here?
772
00:40:59,946 --> 00:41:01,679
What did you say to her?
773
00:41:05,618 --> 00:41:10,788
Lettuce, gone, a date.
774
00:41:11,657 --> 00:41:12,857
[Mallory giggles]
775
00:41:13,893 --> 00:41:16,494
You just invited
my daughter on a date?
776
00:41:20,967 --> 00:41:22,533
[zipper zips]
777
00:41:24,570 --> 00:41:26,704
If you're going to
start going out with boys
778
00:41:26,706 --> 00:41:28,138
you're going
to need one of these.
779
00:41:28,140 --> 00:41:29,240
Activated and charged.
780
00:41:29,242 --> 00:41:30,641
Do not tell your mother.
781
00:41:31,944 --> 00:41:33,711
Call me before you get home.
782
00:41:33,713 --> 00:41:35,513
I do not want
your mom to find out
783
00:41:35,515 --> 00:41:37,281
that you've been
out without a chaperone.
784
00:41:41,988 --> 00:41:43,087
[tires crunch]
785
00:41:46,792 --> 00:41:47,992
[Tim] Just wait right here.
786
00:41:47,994 --> 00:41:49,660
I, I, I, I'll be just a minute.
787
00:42:00,606 --> 00:42:02,139
Hey, Clint.
788
00:42:02,141 --> 00:42:03,707
Yeah?
789
00:42:03,709 --> 00:42:05,876
Hey, nice job
on the show last night.
790
00:42:05,878 --> 00:42:07,678
Oh, hey, thanks, man.
791
00:42:08,014 --> 00:42:11,282
Um, I, I just have a
really quick question, um.
792
00:42:11,784 --> 00:42:14,885
Where you do get the
inspiration for all your songs?
793
00:42:14,887 --> 00:42:18,055
Oh, you know, from life.
794
00:42:18,925 --> 00:42:20,224
My life!
795
00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:23,827
I, I, I told you
those things in confidence
796
00:42:23,829 --> 00:42:25,329
and you went
on national television
797
00:42:25,331 --> 00:42:27,665
and sang a song
about my sex life?
798
00:42:27,667 --> 00:42:29,934
Dude, it's just a song.
799
00:42:29,936 --> 00:42:31,702
It's not a big deal.
800
00:42:31,704 --> 00:42:35,339
And to make it worse,
you tell the entire country
801
00:42:35,341 --> 00:42:37,274
that my wife
won't have sex with me.
802
00:42:37,276 --> 00:42:39,677
Ah, nobody knows that was you.
803
00:42:39,679 --> 00:42:43,047
You know, you're just making
a mountain out of a molehill.
804
00:42:43,349 --> 00:42:44,915
Just chill out, man.
805
00:42:44,917 --> 00:42:46,584
Got to go, got to go.
806
00:42:46,586 --> 00:42:49,086
Got some business
to attend to. [chuckles]
807
00:42:49,088 --> 00:42:50,354
[all giggle]
808
00:42:54,293 --> 00:42:55,359
[Tim groans]
809
00:43:04,303 --> 00:43:05,669
[door slams]
810
00:43:05,671 --> 00:43:07,071
-[Tim yells]
-[van thumps]
811
00:43:09,175 --> 00:43:12,643
¶ We adopted her and Now everything's fine ¶
812
00:43:12,645 --> 00:43:14,645
[man] I love this song!
813
00:43:14,647 --> 00:43:15,846
[sings] ¶ But my wife's ¶
814
00:43:15,848 --> 00:43:17,348
¶ Lost all her sex drive ¶
815
00:43:17,350 --> 00:43:18,749
¶ And I'm just about ¶
816
00:43:18,751 --> 00:43:20,918
¶ To lose my mind ¶
817
00:43:21,253 --> 00:43:24,822
¶ Her temperature took A nosedive ¶
818
00:43:24,824 --> 00:43:27,825
¶ She's Romantically disinclined ¶
819
00:43:28,861 --> 00:43:30,361
-[plants rustle]
-[birds chirping]
820
00:43:33,966 --> 00:43:35,699
-Paul!
-[Paul chuckles]
821
00:43:35,701 --> 00:43:37,301
What a pleasant surprise.
822
00:43:37,303 --> 00:43:39,203
I just happened to
be in the neighborhood.
823
00:43:39,205 --> 00:43:41,138
Well, why don't you have a seat?
824
00:43:41,140 --> 00:43:43,707
Maybe I could get
you some coffee or tea?
825
00:43:44,010 --> 00:43:47,044
[laughs] Uh, I can't stay long.
826
00:43:47,046 --> 00:43:48,145
Is your family home?
827
00:43:48,848 --> 00:43:50,914
They're out and about, you know.
828
00:43:50,916 --> 00:43:51,915
[Paul thumps seat]
829
00:43:51,917 --> 00:43:55,352
[laughs] You know,
830
00:43:55,354 --> 00:43:58,322
I've never actually
met Tim. [chuckles]
831
00:43:58,324 --> 00:44:01,725
I see him when he picks you up,
but we've never spoken.
832
00:44:02,161 --> 00:44:03,761
You know, he's out
833
00:44:03,763 --> 00:44:05,763
looking for little
green men. [chuckles]
834
00:44:07,133 --> 00:44:09,133
We've talked about that before.
835
00:44:09,135 --> 00:44:13,137
Those little
green men are demons, Eve.
836
00:44:15,307 --> 00:44:17,241
I'm sure he uses precautions.
837
00:44:17,243 --> 00:44:20,878
Uh, uh, have you ever
considered being with someone
838
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:23,914
who's more aligned
with your spiritual beliefs?
839
00:44:24,450 --> 00:44:25,849
Excuse me.
840
00:44:25,851 --> 00:44:26,850
Well, well,
841
00:44:26,852 --> 00:44:29,186
well, I, I, I, I, I know,
842
00:44:29,188 --> 00:44:33,457
I, I, I, I'm sure that Tim
was a good man once, but he--
843
00:44:33,459 --> 00:44:35,292
What are you--
what are you suggesting?
844
00:44:35,294 --> 00:44:37,428
-Jesus said that--
-Jesus schmeezus, just...
845
00:44:37,430 --> 00:44:38,729
[Eve gasps]
846
00:44:38,731 --> 00:44:39,930
...just give it some thought.
847
00:44:39,932 --> 00:44:41,098
Oh!
848
00:44:41,100 --> 00:44:42,399
-[vegetables thump]
-Well,
849
00:44:42,401 --> 00:44:45,436
your eternal soul is at stake.
850
00:44:45,438 --> 00:44:47,004
[upbeat music]
851
00:44:50,743 --> 00:44:53,110
[laughs] Hi!
852
00:44:53,112 --> 00:44:54,144
[Eve] Hi.
853
00:44:54,146 --> 00:44:56,380
Hi, um, Evelyn?
854
00:44:56,916 --> 00:44:58,115
[Eve] It's Eve.
855
00:44:58,117 --> 00:44:59,049
-Eve.
-Yes.
856
00:44:59,051 --> 00:45:00,250
-Hi.
-Hi.
857
00:45:00,252 --> 00:45:02,486
I am here to see if, um,
858
00:45:02,488 --> 00:45:04,321
uh, Mallory, is that her name?
859
00:45:04,323 --> 00:45:07,424
Um, if I could
interview her about her dad.
860
00:45:08,260 --> 00:45:10,861
Right, well, Tim and
Mallory will be home soon,
861
00:45:10,863 --> 00:45:13,197
so you can
have a seat if you'd like.
862
00:45:13,199 --> 00:45:14,164
Oh, great.
863
00:45:14,166 --> 00:45:15,499
Thank you.
864
00:45:15,501 --> 00:45:18,736
I'm just, Sunday
night dinner, you know.
865
00:45:18,738 --> 00:45:20,170
-[chuckles]
-Cleaning the house.
866
00:45:22,908 --> 00:45:24,141
So,
867
00:45:25,411 --> 00:45:27,111
so when was the first
time you realized
868
00:45:27,113 --> 00:45:28,512
that your husband was crazy?
869
00:45:29,415 --> 00:45:31,148
We were driving
home late one night.
870
00:45:32,752 --> 00:45:34,284
[Eve] This... [sighs]
871
00:45:34,787 --> 00:45:36,186
...this was a long,
872
00:45:36,188 --> 00:45:38,422
a long time ago,
before Mallory came along.
873
00:45:38,424 --> 00:45:39,823
Okay.
874
00:45:39,825 --> 00:45:43,327
And we saw this light, both
of us saw it, a bright light.
875
00:45:43,329 --> 00:45:45,129
It was really fast and...
876
00:45:45,131 --> 00:45:47,131
changing all
different directions in the sky,
877
00:45:48,901 --> 00:45:52,536
and I was pregnant at the time,
about 8 and a half months.
878
00:45:52,538 --> 00:45:54,138
-Aw. [chuckles]
-Yeah.
879
00:45:54,974 --> 00:45:58,442
Tim decided
to run after that light.
880
00:45:58,444 --> 00:46:00,911
-[Andromeda laughs]
-Crazy, right?
881
00:46:00,913 --> 00:46:04,548
Yeah, so he left me alone
in the car all by myself.
882
00:46:06,118 --> 00:46:09,787
Two days later
the baby was stillborn.
883
00:46:10,990 --> 00:46:13,857
-Oh.
-Yeah, and,
884
00:46:13,859 --> 00:46:15,459
sometimes think that
maybe that light
885
00:46:15,461 --> 00:46:18,061
had something to do
with me losing the baby.
886
00:46:23,035 --> 00:46:26,203
Is that why you
think aliens are demons?
887
00:46:26,205 --> 00:46:29,339
Um, Tim told me
that you thought that.
888
00:46:29,341 --> 00:46:33,544
Um, Pastor Paul, he teaches us
on the devil's minions.
889
00:46:33,546 --> 00:46:35,112
It makes sense.
890
00:46:35,114 --> 00:46:36,980
Not much else has since then.
891
00:46:36,982 --> 00:46:39,149
Of course, right.
892
00:46:40,953 --> 00:46:42,820
I lost my baby too.
893
00:46:44,924 --> 00:46:46,156
[soft music]
894
00:46:55,334 --> 00:46:56,433
Really?
895
00:46:56,435 --> 00:46:57,401
Yeah.
896
00:46:58,838 --> 00:46:59,603
So sorry.
897
00:47:02,074 --> 00:47:04,007
I think about my baby every day.
898
00:47:07,313 --> 00:47:09,112
Can I pray with you about it?
899
00:47:09,481 --> 00:47:11,014
It always helps me.
900
00:47:11,517 --> 00:47:15,085
Oh, gosh, I just did that
901
00:47:16,021 --> 00:47:17,988
right when I was pulling up.
902
00:47:17,990 --> 00:47:20,858
Oh, God, I just,
903
00:47:20,860 --> 00:47:22,960
yeah, I'm not going
to pray again for another...
904
00:47:22,962 --> 00:47:24,461
[scoffs] you know,
like four hours.
905
00:47:24,463 --> 00:47:26,129
Oh, right, okay.
906
00:47:26,131 --> 00:47:28,432
You know, why don't
you just stay for dinner?
907
00:47:28,434 --> 00:47:31,568
-[gasps]
-It'd be no trouble
at all, you know?
908
00:47:31,570 --> 00:47:34,905
And afterwards you
can interview Mallory.
909
00:47:34,907 --> 00:47:36,540
Oh, thank you, that would...
-For your film.
910
00:47:36,542 --> 00:47:38,108
...that would be great.
Thank you so much.
911
00:47:38,110 --> 00:47:40,510
Yeah, and we could talk.
912
00:47:40,512 --> 00:47:41,612
-Sure.
-Pray afterwards.
913
00:47:41,614 --> 00:47:42,546
[both laugh]
914
00:47:42,548 --> 00:47:43,914
What's for dinner?
915
00:47:43,916 --> 00:47:45,315
[off-kilter music]
916
00:47:50,389 --> 00:47:51,989
Now, now from this shot
917
00:47:51,991 --> 00:47:54,358
we can see the same
disdain for a parent
918
00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:56,326
that we find among young humans.
919
00:47:56,328 --> 00:48:00,264
So in other words,
your half-alien hybrid
920
00:48:00,266 --> 00:48:02,566
has absolutely no
distinguishing features.
921
00:48:02,568 --> 00:48:04,034
Exactly!
922
00:48:04,036 --> 00:48:05,669
Isn't that amazing?
923
00:48:05,671 --> 00:48:07,371
-Oh, man.
-[abductees grumble]
924
00:48:13,145 --> 00:48:16,013
[laughs] Um,
925
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:24,388
my dad says that I'm...
926
00:48:25,157 --> 00:48:26,123
half alien.
927
00:48:27,927 --> 00:48:29,226
No way, dude.
928
00:48:29,228 --> 00:48:30,494
Yeah, yeah.
929
00:48:30,496 --> 00:48:35,599
He, he feels that my mother,
my birth mother is Andromeda,
930
00:48:35,601 --> 00:48:38,368
and my dad
says that she's from Vega.
931
00:48:38,370 --> 00:48:40,537
That means you have
special powers and shit.
932
00:48:41,073 --> 00:48:44,141
[laughs] Maybe.
933
00:48:46,111 --> 00:48:49,112
Guess you're going to
have to wait to see. [chuckles]
934
00:48:59,491 --> 00:49:01,058
[Mallory whispers]
935
00:49:05,464 --> 00:49:07,064
-[van door slams]
-See you tomorrow.
936
00:49:07,066 --> 00:49:08,498
No, no, stay for dinner.
937
00:49:08,500 --> 00:49:11,001
Do you think your mom
would be okay with that?
938
00:49:11,003 --> 00:49:12,469
Well, afterwards we can.
939
00:49:14,106 --> 00:49:15,105
[Tim clears throat]
940
00:49:16,141 --> 00:49:17,274
[Iris gasps]
941
00:49:18,677 --> 00:49:22,412
Okay, so we've been together
all afternoon, remember?
942
00:49:22,414 --> 00:49:24,247
We go in together.
943
00:49:24,249 --> 00:49:25,415
Tim!
944
00:49:25,417 --> 00:49:27,417
[sighs] You don't
understand, Mom.
945
00:49:27,419 --> 00:49:29,252
I'm not lying for you.
946
00:49:29,755 --> 00:49:31,488
You're speaking again.
947
00:49:31,490 --> 00:49:33,190
Oh, that's great.
948
00:49:33,192 --> 00:49:35,525
Your mother
will ground you for a year
949
00:49:35,527 --> 00:49:38,028
when she finds out
what you've been up to.
950
00:49:38,397 --> 00:49:41,264
I'm sure it's your ass
you want to protect.
951
00:49:41,266 --> 00:49:42,432
What did you just say?
952
00:49:42,434 --> 00:49:44,301
-Grammy!
-Oh, mwah!
953
00:49:45,004 --> 00:49:46,470
[Dax] Why are we
telling Mrs. Faris
954
00:49:46,472 --> 00:49:48,739
that we spent the whole
afternoon together?
955
00:49:50,442 --> 00:49:52,175
-Excuse me?
-[Dax laughs]
956
00:49:52,711 --> 00:49:55,746
I'd like this young
man to stay for dinner.
957
00:49:55,748 --> 00:49:57,447
I-- I hope you don't mind.
958
00:49:58,250 --> 00:50:01,351
¶ And sit back and chill ¶
959
00:50:02,488 --> 00:50:05,689
¶ While seeking signs ¶
960
00:50:05,691 --> 00:50:08,191
¶ Of alien's number ¶
961
00:50:08,193 --> 00:50:11,194
¶ You spend the night ¶
962
00:50:11,196 --> 00:50:12,763
¶ With Androme-- ¶
963
00:50:14,099 --> 00:50:16,033
Yeah, we don't need that noise.
964
00:50:16,035 --> 00:50:17,467
We, we've got guests.
965
00:50:17,469 --> 00:50:19,336
-[doorbell dings]
-Ooh, I'll get it.
966
00:50:19,338 --> 00:50:20,404
[footsteps clop]
967
00:50:22,674 --> 00:50:25,742
-Pastor Paul, go away.
-I, I, I thought you might
like me to meet your family.
968
00:50:25,744 --> 00:50:27,411
-Maybe another time.
-[Tim] Who is it?
969
00:50:29,515 --> 00:50:32,149
So nice to meet you
finally, Tim.
970
00:50:32,451 --> 00:50:34,518
-Serve the beans.
-[Paul chuckles]
971
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:37,287
Uh, Pastor Paul came by
to say hello
972
00:50:37,289 --> 00:50:38,321
and see how we all are,
973
00:50:38,323 --> 00:50:39,656
but he can't stay long.
974
00:50:39,658 --> 00:50:40,824
There's nothing urgent.
975
00:50:42,294 --> 00:50:44,394
Looks like you made
plenty of food, Eve.
976
00:50:44,396 --> 00:50:45,595
[Eve sighs]
977
00:51:04,783 --> 00:51:06,516
Who's going to say grace?
978
00:51:06,518 --> 00:51:08,652
-Oh.
-Uh, uh, Tim.
979
00:51:08,654 --> 00:51:11,788
You're the spiritual head
of the household, you know?
980
00:51:13,258 --> 00:51:15,459
Um, sure.
981
00:51:15,794 --> 00:51:19,463
Um, okay, so, um,
982
00:51:19,798 --> 00:51:23,700
in the beginning God
said, "Let there be light,"
983
00:51:23,702 --> 00:51:27,137
and, and then he said, "Don't
put that light under a bushel
984
00:51:27,139 --> 00:51:28,672
because it might catch fire,"
985
00:51:28,674 --> 00:51:33,143
and then the burning
bushel told Moses to leave Egypt
986
00:51:33,145 --> 00:51:34,678
after 40 years of fasting,
987
00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:37,747
so goddamn, are we
grateful for this meal, right?
988
00:51:37,749 --> 00:51:39,516
Goddamn, yes.
989
00:51:39,518 --> 00:51:40,450
[Andromeda claps]
990
00:51:40,452 --> 00:51:42,119
[all] Amen.
991
00:51:42,121 --> 00:51:43,186
Amen.
992
00:51:43,188 --> 00:51:45,589
Uh, so, Andromeda, is this?
993
00:51:45,591 --> 00:51:46,623
Yes, that's right.
994
00:51:46,625 --> 00:51:47,624
What do you do?
995
00:51:47,626 --> 00:51:49,459
Uh, she's making a video.
996
00:51:50,162 --> 00:51:51,595
About people with crazy beliefs.
997
00:51:51,597 --> 00:51:52,562
Yeah.
998
00:51:52,564 --> 00:51:53,597
[scoffs] She certainly
999
00:51:53,599 --> 00:51:55,265
came to the right house.
1000
00:51:55,267 --> 00:51:57,634
[laughs] Oh, Mallory,
I have something for you.
1001
00:51:58,637 --> 00:52:01,204
I think you're going to
really like it. [chuckles]
1002
00:52:01,673 --> 00:52:04,341
¶ Dun duh-duh-duh-duh dun duh-duh-dun dun ¶
1003
00:52:04,343 --> 00:52:05,742
Seitan! [laughs]
1004
00:52:07,613 --> 00:52:08,612
[chocks]
1005
00:52:08,613 --> 00:52:09,612
Be gone
from this house, evil one.
1006
00:52:10,149 --> 00:52:12,249
[Andromeda] Yeah,
it's, it's, it's seitan.
1007
00:52:12,251 --> 00:52:14,451
It's, um, it's a Vegan delicacy.
1008
00:52:14,453 --> 00:52:15,852
She means vegan.
1009
00:52:15,854 --> 00:52:16,920
[Andromeda] No, I don't.
1010
00:52:16,922 --> 00:52:20,624
Is that that stuff
made from the other stuff?
1011
00:52:20,626 --> 00:52:25,162
Exactly, wheat
gluten, yeah, good, yeah.
1012
00:52:25,464 --> 00:52:26,663
I, I thought it was,
1013
00:52:26,665 --> 00:52:28,231
I thought
you meant something else.
1014
00:52:28,233 --> 00:52:30,600
Yeah, Satan, unfortunate name.
1015
00:52:30,602 --> 00:52:34,571
Yeah, yeah, kind of
like Ashley for a boy's name.
1016
00:52:35,774 --> 00:52:38,808
Oh, Mallory, are you
still protesting animal rights?
1017
00:52:38,810 --> 00:52:41,945
-Mm-hmm.
-[laughs] That's my girl.
1018
00:52:41,947 --> 00:52:43,513
-Yes!
-[Tim clears throat]
1019
00:52:44,950 --> 00:52:46,516
You okay?
1020
00:52:46,518 --> 00:52:48,251
-Something in your throat?
-[Tim] Yeah.
1021
00:52:48,253 --> 00:52:50,187
Okay. [sighs]
1022
00:52:50,189 --> 00:52:52,322
Did you make
the beans in a Crock-Pot?
1023
00:52:52,324 --> 00:52:53,523
[device beeps]
1024
00:52:54,893 --> 00:52:56,626
So you got secret plans tonight?
1025
00:52:56,628 --> 00:52:57,360
[eerie music]
1026
00:53:01,633 --> 00:53:04,534
So you're my real mom.
1027
00:53:04,903 --> 00:53:05,869
Yes, I am.
1028
00:53:08,507 --> 00:53:10,207
Are you seriously an alien?
1029
00:53:10,976 --> 00:53:12,209
Seriously.
1030
00:53:13,612 --> 00:53:16,947
Does that mean that I'll have,
like, special powers?
1031
00:53:18,217 --> 00:53:20,483
Well, you'll have
an innate flexibility
1032
00:53:20,485 --> 00:53:22,285
that'll make you
a hit at swingers parties.
1033
00:53:24,356 --> 00:53:26,423
-Ah.
-Yeah, it's fun.
1034
00:53:28,260 --> 00:53:29,726
Why did you get rid of me?
1035
00:53:30,629 --> 00:53:33,863
I didn't get rid of you.
You're just better here.
1036
00:53:35,901 --> 00:53:37,234
You,
1037
00:53:38,637 --> 00:53:41,438
do you think I'll have
pink hair like you do?
1038
00:53:42,374 --> 00:53:44,874
Here's the cool part.
When we get home,
1039
00:53:44,876 --> 00:53:46,876
you can pick
whatever hair color you want.
1040
00:53:48,247 --> 00:53:49,012
Home?
1041
00:53:49,514 --> 00:53:50,480
Yeah.
1042
00:53:52,517 --> 00:53:55,619
You think that you could
just come here from outer space
1043
00:53:55,621 --> 00:53:56,886
and take me away?
1044
00:53:58,457 --> 00:54:00,323
I'm not going anywhere with you.
1045
00:54:00,325 --> 00:54:01,324
This is my home.
1046
00:54:02,327 --> 00:54:04,361
You can't just have me now.
1047
00:54:04,363 --> 00:54:06,930
I see you got the drama
gene from your father.
1048
00:54:08,700 --> 00:54:09,866
What is it with this family?
1049
00:54:11,370 --> 00:54:12,836
[Dax] Hey, babe.
1050
00:54:19,511 --> 00:54:20,844
-Paul, you have to go.
-But--
1051
00:54:20,846 --> 00:54:22,379
-No, I, but--
-I am married.
1052
00:54:22,381 --> 00:54:24,314
You need to find
someone who's available.
1053
00:54:25,584 --> 00:54:28,351
[stutters] You're right.
1054
00:54:28,353 --> 00:54:29,919
[sighs] I, I'm sorry.
1055
00:54:32,591 --> 00:54:36,359
For the love of God,
divorce him and marry me.
1056
00:54:38,830 --> 00:54:39,796
[door slams]
1057
00:54:39,798 --> 00:54:40,997
[locks clack]
1058
00:54:41,533 --> 00:54:42,599
Oh, my God.
1059
00:54:43,335 --> 00:54:44,601
[crickets chirping]
1060
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:49,673
[clears throat] Excuse me.
1061
00:54:50,575 --> 00:54:54,844
Um, I don't suppose you could
give me a ride, could you?
1062
00:54:55,514 --> 00:54:56,846
My car won't start.
1063
00:54:56,848 --> 00:54:58,715
Yeah, no, I, um,
1064
00:54:58,717 --> 00:55:01,584
I'm about to have some
quality time with my daughter,
1065
00:55:01,586 --> 00:55:04,521
-so maybe
Eve can do that for you.
-Your daughter?
1066
00:55:04,956 --> 00:55:06,356
-Yeah.
-You mean...
1067
00:55:07,693 --> 00:55:08,892
Yeah.
1068
00:55:08,894 --> 00:55:10,727
Mom's the word, father.
1069
00:55:11,630 --> 00:55:12,729
Father would be Catholic.
1070
00:55:12,731 --> 00:55:14,531
I'm, I'm not a priest.
1071
00:55:15,567 --> 00:55:16,599
-Hmm?
-I--
1072
00:55:16,601 --> 00:55:18,001
No, I don't care.
1073
00:55:20,806 --> 00:55:22,505
[footsteps crunch]
1074
00:55:34,419 --> 00:55:35,952
[yawns] Huh,
it's late. [chuckles]
1075
00:55:35,954 --> 00:55:37,487
We should get you home.
1076
00:55:38,590 --> 00:55:40,957
It doesn't
seem late at all to me.
1077
00:55:41,793 --> 00:55:44,627
-Well, it's later than it seems.
-[scoffs]
1078
00:55:47,399 --> 00:55:49,099
Hon, can you
take Mom home for me?
1079
00:55:49,101 --> 00:55:50,934
Uh, I've got dishes to do.
1080
00:55:50,936 --> 00:55:53,036
I've got that
interview with Andromeda.
1081
00:55:53,038 --> 00:55:54,504
-[Iris] Tim!
-Oh!
1082
00:55:54,506 --> 00:55:55,572
I'll take you, Iris.
1083
00:55:58,677 --> 00:56:00,043
You can do the dishes.
1084
00:56:00,045 --> 00:56:01,544
-[Iris scoffs]
-Yeah,
1085
00:56:02,581 --> 00:56:03,546
bye, Mom.
1086
00:56:03,548 --> 00:56:04,514
Yeah.
1087
00:56:06,485 --> 00:56:08,418
-This will be nice.
-Yes.
1088
00:56:08,420 --> 00:56:11,955
I've had enough of his ugly
mug to last me a lifetime.
1089
00:56:16,728 --> 00:56:18,027
[crickets chirping]
1090
00:56:19,631 --> 00:56:20,697
Andromeda.
1091
00:56:24,770 --> 00:56:25,802
I hate to impose.
1092
00:56:26,905 --> 00:56:27,904
My car broke down.
1093
00:56:27,906 --> 00:56:29,472
We don't mind...
1094
00:56:29,474 --> 00:56:31,107
-Great.
-..do we, Eve?
1095
00:56:34,746 --> 00:56:35,812
[Paul] All right.
1096
00:56:35,814 --> 00:56:36,780
Okay.
1097
00:56:44,022 --> 00:56:47,123
Do you remember
how tiny Mallory was
1098
00:56:47,125 --> 00:56:49,426
when we took her to Slide Rock?
1099
00:56:49,428 --> 00:56:51,928
Yeah, she called
it "Swide Wock." [laughs]
1100
00:56:52,464 --> 00:56:55,698
I can't believe
how grown-up she is now.
1101
00:56:55,700 --> 00:56:57,467
She'll always be my baby.
1102
00:56:57,936 --> 00:57:00,036
[Iris] But she's
very independent.
1103
00:57:00,038 --> 00:57:01,571
Oh yeah, she wants to be,
1104
00:57:01,573 --> 00:57:03,540
but one of us
goes everywhere with her.
1105
00:57:03,542 --> 00:57:05,775
-It's just not safe out there.
-Surely she'd be safer
1106
00:57:05,777 --> 00:57:07,076
if she had a cell phone.
1107
00:57:07,078 --> 00:57:08,678
[tires screech]
1108
00:57:09,014 --> 00:57:10,180
[wheelchair thuds]
1109
00:57:10,916 --> 00:57:12,215
What's she been saying?
1110
00:57:13,084 --> 00:57:16,119
You can't hang on forever, dear.
1111
00:57:16,121 --> 00:57:17,854
Believe me.
1112
00:57:19,191 --> 00:57:22,892
In the end, the only
thing you'll get is resentment.
1113
00:57:22,894 --> 00:57:23,860
[van roars]
1114
00:57:25,497 --> 00:57:26,596
[wheelchair clunks]
1115
00:57:28,099 --> 00:57:29,232
[Eve sighs]
1116
00:57:34,005 --> 00:57:35,138
Andromeda!
1117
00:57:37,676 --> 00:57:38,708
[upbeat music]
1118
00:57:39,945 --> 00:57:42,612
[moans] Hello, you big stud.
1119
00:57:42,614 --> 00:57:45,014
[laughs] Which side of
the bed do you want?
1120
00:57:45,016 --> 00:57:46,716
This side right here,
1121
00:57:46,718 --> 00:57:48,117
or do you want this side
1122
00:57:48,119 --> 00:57:49,686
right here because
you can have any side.
1123
00:57:49,688 --> 00:57:52,155
-Get out!
-Oh, stop it.
1124
00:57:52,157 --> 00:57:54,624
Frigidaire doesn't have
to know anything about this.
1125
00:57:54,626 --> 00:57:56,159
Don't talk
about my wife that way.
1126
00:57:56,161 --> 00:57:59,496
[laughs] Well, she's not
exactly a Hotpoint, is she?
1127
00:57:59,498 --> 00:58:02,232
You know, it may come
as a surprise to you,
but on this planet
1128
00:58:02,234 --> 00:58:04,901
people aren't just appliances
you can use and then discard.
1129
00:58:05,203 --> 00:58:08,571
Wait a second.
Is that a Jean-Luc Picard quote?
1130
00:58:08,573 --> 00:58:12,208
I'm going to update
my Spacebook status. [laughs]
1131
00:58:12,210 --> 00:58:14,611
No, seriously, do you
want some fizzy wine?
1132
00:58:14,613 --> 00:58:15,778
Why aren't you with Mallory?
1133
00:58:15,780 --> 00:58:17,947
You finally had an opportunity.
1134
00:58:17,949 --> 00:58:21,184
Mm, I don't know. I guess I
found someone else
that I'd rather talk to.
1135
00:58:22,153 --> 00:58:23,686
What are you doing?
1136
00:58:24,556 --> 00:58:26,122
-Jeez.
-Where are you going?
1137
00:58:26,124 --> 00:58:28,525
Oh, God, your butt is so cute.
1138
00:58:37,002 --> 00:58:40,069
I remember you told me
once that Mallory is adopted.
1139
00:58:40,605 --> 00:58:42,739
You're an embarrassment
to your profession.
1140
00:58:43,775 --> 00:58:45,208
You did a good thing taking in
1141
00:58:45,210 --> 00:58:46,609
-someone else's child.
-Oh, you preach
1142
00:58:46,611 --> 00:58:47,911
on the sanctity of marriage
1143
00:58:47,913 --> 00:58:49,546
and then you
suggest I divorce Tim?
1144
00:58:50,982 --> 00:58:52,181
That's hypocrisy.
1145
00:58:52,183 --> 00:58:53,883
I'm against hypocrisy,
1146
00:58:54,185 --> 00:58:56,019
but I guess
it's okay once in a while.
1147
00:58:56,788 --> 00:58:58,054
That's a joke.
1148
00:58:58,590 --> 00:59:00,256
Wow, tough crowd.
1149
00:59:01,893 --> 00:59:03,960
Why do you care
who gave birth to Mallory?
1150
00:59:04,696 --> 00:59:05,695
Never mind.
1151
00:59:06,932 --> 00:59:08,298
You think that
means I should dump her
1152
00:59:08,300 --> 00:59:09,766
like you think
I should dump Tim?
1153
00:59:10,569 --> 00:59:12,569
I-- I'm sorry
for what I said. [sighs]
1154
00:59:15,307 --> 00:59:17,874
I think you're wonderful,
1155
00:59:18,810 --> 00:59:21,010
and I'm very envious of Tim.
1156
00:59:21,813 --> 00:59:23,746
Isn't that one of
the seven deadly sins?
1157
00:59:24,182 --> 00:59:26,082
I don't think there
was any specific mention
1158
00:59:26,084 --> 00:59:27,650
of Tim in those.
1159
00:59:29,120 --> 00:59:31,621
-Alright, alright, time to go.
-I know why.
1160
00:59:31,623 --> 00:59:33,222
-Come on, come on.
-No, but I don't want to go.
1161
00:59:33,224 --> 00:59:34,691
Okay, come on.
1162
00:59:34,693 --> 00:59:37,226
Oh, my God, I love this.
This is so cute.
1163
00:59:37,228 --> 00:59:39,128
-Oh, my gosh.
-Come on, let's go.
1164
00:59:39,130 --> 00:59:42,131
Hey, do you
think I'm going to be
1165
00:59:42,133 --> 00:59:44,834
from being
miserable like that one day?
1166
00:59:45,136 --> 00:59:47,203
Beauty's in the eye
of the beholder. Come on.
1167
00:59:47,205 --> 00:59:51,941
[laughs] That's just ugly-person
propaganda. What are you doing?
1168
00:59:51,943 --> 00:59:54,844
-Shit, that's going to be Eve.
-[laughs and thuds]
1169
00:59:54,846 --> 00:59:57,246
-[laughs] Wait. Oh, my God.
-Come on, come on.
Let's go spend some
1170
00:59:57,248 --> 00:59:59,382
-quality time with Mallory.
-You are so cute. [laughs]
1171
00:59:59,384 --> 01:00:00,683
This is your chance.
1172
01:00:02,721 --> 01:00:03,953
[Andromeda laughs]
1173
01:00:08,893 --> 01:00:10,026
Aw.
1174
01:00:10,695 --> 01:00:14,330
No, no, no, no, no. [laughs]
1175
01:00:24,342 --> 01:00:25,975
[Mallory giggles]
1176
01:00:25,977 --> 01:00:27,176
[soft upbeat music]
1177
01:00:36,755 --> 01:00:38,054
What have you two been doing?
1178
01:00:39,124 --> 01:00:41,190
Dad, I'm wearing a bikini.
1179
01:00:41,192 --> 01:00:42,325
Chill.
1180
01:00:42,327 --> 01:00:44,127
Your mother will have a fit
1181
01:00:44,129 --> 01:00:45,895
if she thinks I let you
into the hot tub with a boy.
1182
01:00:45,897 --> 01:00:50,867
Oh, thanks for your concern,
Dad, but Dax isn't a boy.
1183
01:00:50,869 --> 01:00:55,071
-He's my boyfriend.
-Oh, that makes it
so much more palatable.
1184
01:00:55,674 --> 01:00:57,774
Put your clothes on,
both of you.
1185
01:00:57,776 --> 01:00:59,409
Go home, Dax.
1186
01:01:00,378 --> 01:01:02,979
I, I just want you to know my
intentions towards your daughter
1187
01:01:02,981 --> 01:01:04,247
are strictly horn-erary.
1188
01:01:04,249 --> 01:01:05,214
I mean honorary.
1189
01:01:05,950 --> 01:01:06,949
Honorable?
1190
01:01:06,951 --> 01:01:07,917
That too.
1191
01:01:11,890 --> 01:01:13,189
What were you thinking?
1192
01:01:13,191 --> 01:01:14,724
[spaceship whirs]
1193
01:01:19,064 --> 01:01:21,464
You'd better hope
we get this cover back on
1194
01:01:21,466 --> 01:01:23,199
before your mother gets home.
1195
01:01:23,201 --> 01:01:25,234
What do you think?
Do you like it?
1196
01:01:25,236 --> 01:01:28,004
It'll keep the rain
from puddling like it does
on the tarp.
1197
01:01:28,773 --> 01:01:29,939
[spaceship roars]
1198
01:01:30,842 --> 01:01:32,875
-[Tim gasps]
-[spaceship hums]
1199
01:01:32,877 --> 01:01:35,144
Thank you, Mother Sky.
[chuckles]
1200
01:01:35,146 --> 01:01:36,746
Where's my phone?
1201
01:01:36,748 --> 01:01:37,980
Where's my camera?
1202
01:01:39,751 --> 01:01:41,117
Oh, no, no, honey. It's okay,
1203
01:01:41,119 --> 01:01:42,185
it's okay. We're safe.
1204
01:01:42,187 --> 01:01:43,886
Just leave it to me, okay?
1205
01:01:46,257 --> 01:01:48,424
It's an honor to meet you.
1206
01:01:50,128 --> 01:01:51,961
This'll be a quick trip, right?
1207
01:01:51,963 --> 01:01:54,497
Uh, my wife will
be home any minute now.
1208
01:01:54,499 --> 01:01:56,766
Do I have time
to get my Vaseline?
1209
01:01:58,136 --> 01:02:00,470
Okay, okay, just stay here.
Don't, don't move.
1210
01:02:00,472 --> 01:02:02,038
Don't go anywhere, okay?
1211
01:02:02,407 --> 01:02:03,339
[Mallory] Dad!
1212
01:02:03,341 --> 01:02:04,807
[spaceship whirs]
1213
01:02:05,276 --> 01:02:06,943
[spaceship whooshes]
1214
01:02:10,081 --> 01:02:11,314
[spaceship hisses]
1215
01:02:19,157 --> 01:02:20,456
[spaceship hums]
1216
01:02:21,426 --> 01:02:22,358
[spaceship roars]
1217
01:02:22,360 --> 01:02:23,426
No!
1218
01:02:23,428 --> 01:02:25,261
You've got the wrong person!
1219
01:02:27,499 --> 01:02:29,232
Eve is going to
be home any minute now.
1220
01:02:29,234 --> 01:02:31,033
I've got to rescue Mallory now.
1221
01:02:31,035 --> 01:02:32,802
Yeah, good luck with that.
Let me know how it goes.
1222
01:02:32,804 --> 01:02:34,137
You're going to help me.
1223
01:02:34,139 --> 01:02:36,405
[laughs] No way,
it's a waste of time.
1224
01:02:36,407 --> 01:02:38,508
You're never going to
be able to track them down,
1225
01:02:39,010 --> 01:02:40,309
so see, we need to start over.
1226
01:02:41,279 --> 01:02:42,345
Start over?
1227
01:02:42,347 --> 01:02:44,847
Yeah, make another baby.
1228
01:02:44,849 --> 01:02:47,483
You see, I'm only
here for one more day,
1229
01:02:47,485 --> 01:02:49,819
and my cosmic clock is ticking,
1230
01:02:49,821 --> 01:02:52,188
so I really need your tock.
1231
01:02:53,124 --> 01:02:56,926
We have to find another
ship so we can follow them.
1232
01:02:56,928 --> 01:02:58,394
That's not going to happen.
1233
01:02:58,396 --> 01:03:00,897
We have to find a way
to save our daughter.
1234
01:03:00,899 --> 01:03:03,132
[laughs] Oh, okay, now all
of a sudden it's our daughter?
1235
01:03:03,134 --> 01:03:04,133
Relax.
1236
01:03:04,135 --> 01:03:05,501
She's going to be fine.
1237
01:03:09,407 --> 01:03:10,623
[Eve] I'm home.
1238
01:03:10,624 --> 01:03:11,840
Stay in here
and don't come anywhere
1239
01:03:11,843 --> 01:03:12,975
under any circumstances.
1240
01:03:12,977 --> 01:03:14,010
Do you understand me?
1241
01:03:14,012 --> 01:03:16,045
Yes, I understand you,
1242
01:03:16,047 --> 01:03:18,848
but she's the one that suggested
that I conduct interviews.
1243
01:03:20,185 --> 01:03:22,151
She did not suggest
1244
01:03:22,153 --> 01:03:25,555
that you drink an entire
bottle of expensive champagne
1245
01:03:25,557 --> 01:03:27,423
and then try
to seduce her husband.
1246
01:03:27,425 --> 01:03:29,458
Yeah, you're kind
of right about that.
1247
01:03:30,328 --> 01:03:32,829
She's not that
imaginative. [chuckles]
1248
01:03:34,132 --> 01:03:35,131
[screams]
1249
01:03:39,904 --> 01:03:43,840
Oh, thanks for doing
the dishes. [sighs]
1250
01:03:44,976 --> 01:03:46,442
I thought Andromeda
would still be here
1251
01:03:46,444 --> 01:03:48,344
doing her interviews.
1252
01:03:50,415 --> 01:03:52,415
Uh, she, she went home
1253
01:03:52,417 --> 01:03:55,318
to, to get a different
video camera.
1254
01:03:55,854 --> 01:03:56,919
Is Mallory in her room?
1255
01:03:57,589 --> 01:03:58,988
Uh, probably.
1256
01:03:59,924 --> 01:04:01,190
I'll go check on her.
1257
01:04:01,492 --> 01:04:02,558
I'll go with you.
1258
01:04:04,262 --> 01:04:06,896
Have I told you
how much I just love you?
1259
01:04:06,898 --> 01:04:08,464
Oh, Tim. [sighs]
1260
01:04:09,467 --> 01:04:10,600
[knocks on door]
1261
01:04:10,602 --> 01:04:12,335
Mallory, are you okay in there?
1262
01:04:15,540 --> 01:04:17,640
[Tim] Are you okay in there?
1263
01:04:22,313 --> 01:04:23,880
Listen, Mal, I'm sorry
1264
01:04:23,882 --> 01:04:25,615
that I've been
so hard on you lately.
1265
01:04:26,117 --> 01:04:29,452
I'll try to relax a little and
let you live your life, okay?
1266
01:04:36,227 --> 01:04:40,029
No, no, no, no. Why don't we
just, why don't we just let her
have her privacy?
1267
01:04:40,031 --> 01:04:42,298
-We don't want to overstay
our welcome.
-[sighs]
1268
01:04:51,342 --> 01:04:53,910
Uh, uh, uh, James, it's Tim.
1269
01:04:55,046 --> 01:04:57,346
[stutters]
Listen, I need your help.
1270
01:04:57,348 --> 01:04:59,115
My daughter's been abducted.
1271
01:04:59,117 --> 01:05:02,051
Sorry, Tim, but this
is Abductees Anonymous.
1272
01:05:02,987 --> 01:05:05,988
What you need is, is Abduct-Anon
1273
01:05:06,357 --> 01:05:08,991
for families
and friends of abductees.
1274
01:05:12,130 --> 01:05:14,463
Ugh, dammit!
1275
01:05:29,113 --> 01:05:30,079
Andromeda.
1276
01:05:31,983 --> 01:05:33,449
Andromeda, I need your help.
1277
01:05:33,451 --> 01:05:35,184
[wild festive music]
1278
01:05:39,457 --> 01:05:41,691
Come dance with me!
[screams and thuds]
1279
01:05:43,428 --> 01:05:44,560
What are you doing?
1280
01:05:44,562 --> 01:05:46,562
[Andromeda] I'm dancing, man.
1281
01:05:47,131 --> 01:05:49,131
Come dance with me. Come.
1282
01:05:49,133 --> 01:05:50,266
[Eve] Timothy?
1283
01:05:53,304 --> 01:05:55,738
-What's going on? I heard music.
-Nothing, nothing.
1284
01:05:55,740 --> 01:06:00,176
I was just trying to set
an alarm, and, um, I messed up.
1285
01:06:00,178 --> 01:06:01,711
You know how I am. [chuckles]
1286
01:06:01,713 --> 01:06:04,513
So what is today's affirmation?
1287
01:06:04,515 --> 01:06:06,682
Oh, I'll go check.
1288
01:06:06,684 --> 01:06:08,117
Yeah, let's.
1289
01:06:08,119 --> 01:06:10,319
Okay, something--
1290
01:06:10,321 --> 01:06:11,721
Oh, oh, you know what?
1291
01:06:11,723 --> 01:06:13,289
I-- I forgot my cell phone
back upstairs.
1292
01:06:13,291 --> 01:06:14,523
I-- I'll be right back.
1293
01:06:16,327 --> 01:06:17,994
[off-kilter music]
1294
01:06:28,072 --> 01:06:29,572
[Andromeda] Wha!
1295
01:06:29,574 --> 01:06:32,675
Andromeda, well,
thanks for coming back.
1296
01:06:32,677 --> 01:06:35,144
That was, uh, that was,
that was really quick.
1297
01:06:35,146 --> 01:06:39,415
Yes, my, my hotel is
very close to the home,
1298
01:06:39,417 --> 01:06:43,419
so... [snaps fingers]
I got here very fast.
1299
01:06:44,756 --> 01:06:46,489
[Andromeda giggles]
1300
01:06:49,193 --> 01:06:52,361
[sighs] Hey, what's that?
1301
01:06:52,363 --> 01:06:53,696
-[Tim] A map.
-[Andromeda giggles]
1302
01:06:53,698 --> 01:06:55,164
Shows the way back to Earth.
1303
01:06:55,166 --> 01:06:57,433
It looks like it's an invitation
1304
01:06:57,435 --> 01:07:00,302
to a crazy sex orgy. [giggles]
1305
01:07:00,304 --> 01:07:01,504
Is that Vaseline,
1306
01:07:01,506 --> 01:07:05,274
because you're going to need it
for the sex orgy. [giggles]
1307
01:07:05,276 --> 01:07:06,742
God, would you lighten up?
1308
01:07:16,154 --> 01:07:20,056
The-- the acoustics
are so much better in there
1309
01:07:20,358 --> 01:07:23,259
for the interview
that we just filmed.
1310
01:07:23,561 --> 01:07:25,227
Oh, where's your camera?
1311
01:07:25,229 --> 01:07:30,066
I have a spycam in my bra,
1312
01:07:30,068 --> 01:07:32,068
so do you want to see it?
1313
01:07:32,070 --> 01:07:33,602
-Uh, a spycam?
-Yeah.
1314
01:07:33,604 --> 01:07:35,104
-You use spycams?
-Mm-hmm.
1315
01:07:35,740 --> 01:07:37,673
You're the one who's been
spying on our daughter,
1316
01:07:37,675 --> 01:07:39,341
Mallory? Get out!
1317
01:07:39,844 --> 01:07:41,610
I would never spy
on my daughter.
1318
01:07:41,612 --> 01:07:44,413
[stutters] That's,
that's just an expression.
1319
01:07:44,415 --> 01:07:47,183
Obviously, she doesn't
mean her daughter.
1320
01:07:47,185 --> 01:07:48,818
-Sh--
-Get the heck out of my house!
1321
01:07:48,820 --> 01:07:52,321
[laughs] Oh, my God, you can't
say hell. Just try it.
1322
01:07:52,323 --> 01:07:56,125
Just... [laughs] please,
say hell.
1323
01:07:56,427 --> 01:07:58,127
Hell, get the hell out.
1324
01:07:58,129 --> 01:08:01,297
It's like hello, without the O,
1325
01:08:01,299 --> 01:08:03,833
which you should know because
you stopped having sex with
your husband,
1326
01:08:03,835 --> 01:08:05,301
-so. [laughs]
-[Eve gasps]
1327
01:08:05,303 --> 01:08:06,469
[Eve] Tim.
1328
01:08:07,805 --> 01:08:11,707
-I-- I didn't say a word to her.
-You know what?
1329
01:08:11,709 --> 01:08:16,412
We have a very,
very fulfilling love life.
1330
01:08:18,382 --> 01:08:20,316
Ooh, I'm hot. [giggles]
1331
01:08:20,318 --> 01:08:22,218
Not that's it's any of
your gosh-darn business.
1332
01:08:22,220 --> 01:08:23,319
Goddamn!
1333
01:08:23,321 --> 01:08:24,653
It's Goddamn, woman.
1334
01:08:24,655 --> 01:08:26,856
Come on, you can say that.
1335
01:08:26,858 --> 01:08:28,491
Now, he didn't tell me anything.
1336
01:08:28,493 --> 01:08:30,259
It was, uh, Clint,
1337
01:08:30,261 --> 01:08:33,796
and he's been singing
about your frigid-idity all over
1338
01:08:33,798 --> 01:08:35,297
national television.
1339
01:08:35,299 --> 01:08:36,432
What the eff
are you talking about?
1340
01:08:36,434 --> 01:08:37,566
Okay, Andromeda, time to go.
1341
01:08:37,568 --> 01:08:39,235
Well, you should
probably listen.
1342
01:08:39,237 --> 01:08:40,569
¶ My wife Lost all her sex drive ¶
1343
01:08:40,571 --> 01:08:42,204
Why are you taking her
to the back door?
1344
01:08:42,206 --> 01:08:43,539
¶ And I'm About to lose my mind ¶
1345
01:08:43,541 --> 01:08:45,241
Because it's,
it's the nearest exit.
1346
01:08:45,243 --> 01:08:46,175
-¶ Duh duh dun dun ¶
-Get her the heck
1347
01:08:46,177 --> 01:08:47,309
out of here.
1348
01:08:47,311 --> 01:08:49,478
The hell, the hell out!
1349
01:08:53,317 --> 01:08:55,251
¶ Lost all her sex drive ¶
1350
01:08:55,253 --> 01:08:56,685
[screams]
1351
01:08:56,687 --> 01:08:58,521
¶ And I'm About to lose my mind ¶
1352
01:08:59,590 --> 01:09:02,691
I-- I, I think it was the
hot tub that attracted the UFO.
1353
01:09:03,661 --> 01:09:05,261
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1354
01:09:05,263 --> 01:09:07,763
The aliens probably
wanted a nice warm soak.
1355
01:09:08,599 --> 01:09:11,700
I, I, I think it had something
to do with the shape of...
1356
01:09:19,610 --> 01:09:21,177
[spaceship whirs]
1357
01:09:25,516 --> 01:09:27,383
-[spaceship bangs]
-[Tim gasps]
1358
01:09:27,385 --> 01:09:28,684
[spaceship hums]
1359
01:09:28,686 --> 01:09:30,419
Do you think that's
the same one?
1360
01:09:32,590 --> 01:09:33,722
No.
1361
01:09:35,960 --> 01:09:38,594
Come on, come on,
let's go, come on.
1362
01:09:48,706 --> 01:09:50,873
[sighs]
Oh, have you seen Mallory?
1363
01:09:50,875 --> 01:09:52,408
No, I came to study with her.
1364
01:09:52,743 --> 01:09:54,777
Mallory and Tim are missing.
1365
01:09:54,779 --> 01:09:56,478
[off-kilter music]
1366
01:09:58,649 --> 01:10:00,316
[spaceship whooshes]
1367
01:10:03,588 --> 01:10:05,487
Where are the captain's chairs?
1368
01:10:07,592 --> 01:10:11,594
And what about navigation
controls and the huge monitors?
1369
01:10:13,898 --> 01:10:15,264
Where's Mallory?
1370
01:10:17,401 --> 01:10:20,436
Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
1371
01:10:20,438 --> 01:10:22,004
When they bring us food,
1372
01:10:22,006 --> 01:10:23,906
we're going to have
to attack them and break out.
1373
01:10:24,442 --> 01:10:26,976
What makes you think
they're going to bring us food?
1374
01:10:29,280 --> 01:10:31,981
They have to take care of
our basic needs, don't they?
1375
01:10:31,983 --> 01:10:33,582
Isn't there some kind of cosmic
1376
01:10:33,584 --> 01:10:35,384
galactic Geneva Convention
or something?
1377
01:10:41,626 --> 01:10:43,492
Maybe this is the holodeck.
1378
01:10:44,262 --> 01:10:45,327
Mm-hmm.
1379
01:10:46,631 --> 01:10:49,898
Computer, take me
to Earth, 21st century.
1380
01:10:49,900 --> 01:10:51,433
[phone beeps]
1381
01:10:51,435 --> 01:10:53,836
[laughs] Wow, look at that.
1382
01:10:53,838 --> 01:10:56,438
Verizon really
expanded their network, huh?
1383
01:10:56,741 --> 01:10:58,007
You going to answer it?
1384
01:11:02,280 --> 01:11:03,612
Eve?
1385
01:11:03,614 --> 01:11:05,581
Oh, my God, Tim.
1386
01:11:05,583 --> 01:11:07,416
Where the hell are you?
1387
01:11:07,418 --> 01:11:10,552
Um, I'm just doing research
1388
01:11:10,554 --> 01:11:12,855
on, on alien lifestyles.
1389
01:11:13,457 --> 01:11:15,291
I'll, I'll be home soon.
1390
01:11:15,293 --> 01:11:16,825
You have Mallory, right?
1391
01:11:19,764 --> 01:11:21,030
Absolutely.
1392
01:11:21,031 --> 01:11:22,297
You abduct our daughter,
you stay out all night,
1393
01:11:22,300 --> 01:11:23,532
and you don't answer your phone.
1394
01:11:23,534 --> 01:11:24,967
Are you trying to kill me?
1395
01:11:24,969 --> 01:11:26,435
I'm sorry.
1396
01:11:26,437 --> 01:11:30,939
I must have been
in a bad reception area.
1397
01:11:30,941 --> 01:11:32,841
Oh, and that bitch
that's been spying on us.
1398
01:11:32,843 --> 01:11:35,411
You know, I found four other
cameras planted in this house.
1399
01:11:35,413 --> 01:11:37,446
-Is she with you?
-Andromeda?
1400
01:11:37,448 --> 01:11:41,750
-Oh, hi!
-No, no, she's, she's
not, she's not with me.
1401
01:11:42,453 --> 01:11:44,887
-The party's in two hours.
-Party?
1402
01:11:45,389 --> 01:11:46,922
I was sure you
wouldn't forget this year.
1403
01:11:47,458 --> 01:11:49,091
You said you'd been
seeing signs from God.
1404
01:11:49,660 --> 01:11:50,626
I did?
1405
01:11:51,662 --> 01:11:53,062
That doesn't sound like me.
1406
01:11:53,064 --> 01:11:55,864
Reminders of
our anniversary, 11/11.
1407
01:12:02,039 --> 01:12:03,005
Of course.
1408
01:12:04,475 --> 01:12:05,974
No, no, I didn't forget.
1409
01:12:07,411 --> 01:12:09,011
Happy anniversary, honey.
1410
01:12:10,881 --> 01:12:12,848
I'll be home before the party.
1411
01:12:12,850 --> 01:12:13,849
I promise.
1412
01:12:14,618 --> 01:12:18,721
Happy anniversary. [sighs]
1413
01:12:20,524 --> 01:12:23,859
If I ever make it home,
my wife is going to kill me.
1414
01:12:25,930 --> 01:12:28,897
Well, if she doesn't kill
you, the roaming charges will.
1415
01:12:28,899 --> 01:12:30,933
[giggles] See what I did there?
1416
01:12:31,869 --> 01:12:34,002
But I don't understand.
1417
01:12:35,039 --> 01:12:36,572
We've only
been gone a few minutes,
1418
01:12:36,574 --> 01:12:38,540
but, but she says
I've been out all night.
1419
01:12:38,542 --> 01:12:39,508
Mm-hmm.
1420
01:12:39,510 --> 01:12:42,911
And, and how was I
able to get that call?
1421
01:12:43,481 --> 01:12:46,448
She says I haven't
been answering my phone.
1422
01:12:47,051 --> 01:12:48,050
Yeah, well, I apologize
1423
01:12:48,052 --> 01:12:49,385
for the crappy reception
1424
01:12:49,387 --> 01:12:51,153
in outer space. [giggles]
1425
01:12:51,889 --> 01:12:54,723
Now see, if we're traveling
near the speed of light,
1426
01:12:54,725 --> 01:12:56,959
time is going to move
much slower for us.
1427
01:12:58,129 --> 01:13:00,729
That's the opposite of
what I wanted to happen.
1428
01:13:01,065 --> 01:13:03,932
Yeah, I guess you haven't
caught up on your Einstein,
1429
01:13:03,934 --> 01:13:04,867
have you?
1430
01:13:04,869 --> 01:13:06,135
[spaceship whooshes]
1431
01:13:07,171 --> 01:13:08,704
[upbeat music]
1432
01:13:11,976 --> 01:13:13,642
You have to let us out.
1433
01:13:14,078 --> 01:13:15,878
We're going to die in here.
1434
01:13:19,049 --> 01:13:21,450
And you call this an abduction?
1435
01:13:21,452 --> 01:13:23,585
Even the grays
could do better than this.
1436
01:13:26,891 --> 01:13:28,457
[Mallory] Dad!
1437
01:13:31,695 --> 01:13:32,661
Mallory!
1438
01:13:34,498 --> 01:13:35,931
[Mallory] I'm in here, Dad.
1439
01:13:38,002 --> 01:13:39,568
Stay right where you are.
1440
01:13:39,570 --> 01:13:40,669
I'm coming for you.
1441
01:13:47,044 --> 01:13:48,010
Crap!
1442
01:13:50,748 --> 01:13:51,914
[Mallory] Dad!
1443
01:13:52,483 --> 01:13:54,683
Don't just sit there,
come help me.
1444
01:13:57,121 --> 01:13:58,587
[portal whooshes]
1445
01:13:59,790 --> 01:14:01,657
-Mallory.
-Dad!
1446
01:14:02,860 --> 01:14:04,092
[Tim grunts]
1447
01:14:04,795 --> 01:14:06,028
Dad!
1448
01:14:06,030 --> 01:14:07,563
-[gasps]
-Are you okay?
1449
01:14:07,565 --> 01:14:09,097
I think so. [gasps]
1450
01:14:13,204 --> 01:14:14,570
[hands clap]
1451
01:14:19,944 --> 01:14:22,144
Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
1452
01:14:28,152 --> 01:14:29,751
[control panel tinkles]
1453
01:14:33,657 --> 01:14:37,259
Okay, we need to
come up with a plan, okay?
1454
01:14:37,261 --> 01:14:38,961
-[holodeck whirs]
-[Tim gasps]
1455
01:14:42,132 --> 01:14:44,099
Dad! [gasps]
1456
01:14:44,101 --> 01:14:48,136
Oh, good, a free
colonoscopy. [laughs insanely]
1457
01:14:48,906 --> 01:14:49,972
Oh, I know.
1458
01:14:49,974 --> 01:14:50,939
I have Vaseline.
1459
01:15:05,155 --> 01:15:07,990
Come on, come on, Dad. [gasps]
1460
01:15:18,202 --> 01:15:19,201
[Mallory screams]
1461
01:15:19,904 --> 01:15:21,303
[boots sizzle]
1462
01:15:26,043 --> 01:15:27,643
Thanks, Dad. [sobs]
1463
01:15:33,284 --> 01:15:36,318
Okay, okay now,
now what do we do?
1464
01:15:36,320 --> 01:15:37,853
Do you still
have your cell phone?
1465
01:15:37,855 --> 01:15:41,557
Yeah, yeah, here, okay, okay.
1466
01:15:42,893 --> 01:15:43,892
[phone camera clicks]
1467
01:15:45,262 --> 01:15:46,929
All right, okay.
1468
01:15:48,999 --> 01:15:50,799
[gasps] Oh, oh,
we need to get out of here.
1469
01:15:51,235 --> 01:15:53,302
-Straight through
that door, now!
-Okay.
1470
01:15:53,304 --> 01:15:54,703
[control panel buzzes]
1471
01:15:54,705 --> 01:15:55,938
[doors thud]
1472
01:15:58,108 --> 01:15:59,575
The one on the right.
1473
01:15:59,577 --> 01:16:00,709
[control panel buzzes]
1474
01:16:00,711 --> 01:16:01,977
[doors thud]
1475
01:16:01,979 --> 01:16:04,012
[gasps] They understand English.
1476
01:16:05,182 --> 01:16:09,017
Or maybe, maybe they
can read our thoughts.
1477
01:16:13,057 --> 01:16:15,624
Nope, I just thought of the one
behind me, and nothing happened.
1478
01:16:15,626 --> 01:16:16,925
-[doors whir]
-[doors thud]
1479
01:16:21,365 --> 01:16:23,065
Probs not abbrevs.
1480
01:16:23,701 --> 01:16:24,866
[controls tinkle]
1481
01:16:25,836 --> 01:16:28,070
[gasps] Probs not abbrevs.
1482
01:16:29,773 --> 01:16:31,006
Are you saying?
1483
01:16:31,008 --> 01:16:34,009
-Def, def, okay.
-[gasps]
1484
01:16:34,011 --> 01:16:35,877
I'm JFM.
1485
01:16:36,847 --> 01:16:39,114
What the, what is JFM?
1486
01:16:39,116 --> 01:16:40,816
What does that mean? I, I, I--
1487
01:16:40,818 --> 01:16:42,818
If I tell you, it defeats
the purpose, doesn't it?
1488
01:16:42,820 --> 01:16:46,188
Yeah, but I've never
heard that one before,
1489
01:16:46,190 --> 01:16:48,323
so how am I supposed
to know what you're saying
1490
01:16:48,325 --> 01:16:50,392
if I don't
know what you're saying?
1491
01:16:50,394 --> 01:16:51,927
I just made it up.
1492
01:16:51,929 --> 01:16:53,328
I don't know any abbreviations
1493
01:16:53,330 --> 01:16:55,964
for escaping from
alien torture chambers.
1494
01:16:56,934 --> 01:16:59,768
JFM, just follow me.
1495
01:17:02,239 --> 01:17:04,740
SMH.
1496
01:17:05,409 --> 01:17:06,642
What does that mean?
1497
01:17:06,944 --> 01:17:08,210
Try to work it out.
1498
01:17:09,079 --> 01:17:11,179
-Smell my hair?
-No!
1499
01:17:11,815 --> 01:17:12,881
No, um--
1500
01:17:12,883 --> 01:17:14,282
-No.
-Shake my hips.
1501
01:17:14,284 --> 01:17:16,118
-How's that going to help?
-[Mallory groans]
1502
01:17:16,120 --> 01:17:18,253
We are so dead.
1503
01:17:19,223 --> 01:17:20,656
[solemn music]
1504
01:17:28,899 --> 01:17:30,666
I'm so sorry about Tim.
1505
01:17:30,668 --> 01:17:33,335
I knew he was a nutcase,
but we all loved him so much.
1506
01:17:37,207 --> 01:17:38,674
[Mallory gasps]
1507
01:17:39,777 --> 01:17:41,076
[Tim] The one on the left.
1508
01:17:42,046 --> 01:17:43,745
[control panel tinkle]
1509
01:17:43,747 --> 01:17:45,180
[Tim groans]
1510
01:17:45,182 --> 01:17:49,151
[laughs] Well, um, guess
we don't have to worry
1511
01:17:49,153 --> 01:17:52,354
about having
too much choice anymore.
1512
01:17:52,356 --> 01:17:53,755
[control panel tinkles]
1513
01:17:55,159 --> 01:17:57,693
-[Tim groans]
-[Mallory gasps]
1514
01:17:57,695 --> 01:17:59,895
Timothy, he did not,
1515
01:17:59,897 --> 01:18:02,431
the urgings
of his wife and pastor,
1516
01:18:03,333 --> 01:18:07,436
he danced with the devil, and
the devil slipped him a roofie
1517
01:18:08,005 --> 01:18:09,438
because that's what he does.
1518
01:18:09,440 --> 01:18:10,839
[Mallory] Well, now what?
1519
01:18:11,408 --> 01:18:12,941
Give me your phone again.
1520
01:18:15,846 --> 01:18:16,812
Okay.
1521
01:18:22,419 --> 01:18:25,420
[Paul] And forsaken easy fodder
1522
01:18:25,422 --> 01:18:28,323
for demons to feast upon.
1523
01:18:28,325 --> 01:18:29,758
-[Eve] Yes?
-It's me.
1524
01:18:29,760 --> 01:18:30,859
Tim?
1525
01:18:32,730 --> 01:18:35,197
Oh, oh, my God,
1526
01:18:35,199 --> 01:18:38,934
oh, my God, Tim, we are at
your memorials, you and Mallory.
1527
01:18:40,170 --> 01:18:41,436
What are you talking about?
1528
01:18:42,206 --> 01:18:43,872
We, we waited nine months,
1529
01:18:43,874 --> 01:18:46,141
but we finally had to
admit that you were dead.
1530
01:18:47,344 --> 01:18:48,810
Is Mallory okay?
1531
01:18:49,513 --> 01:18:53,448
Yeah, she's fine.
Um, listen, we need your help.
1532
01:18:53,450 --> 01:18:55,951
Computer, cut
communications booster.
1533
01:18:55,953 --> 01:18:57,452
-The hot--
-Hot.
1534
01:18:58,522 --> 01:18:59,788
Tim?
1535
01:19:00,924 --> 01:19:01,990
[Tim groans]
1536
01:19:02,426 --> 01:19:03,759
The hot what?
1537
01:19:03,761 --> 01:19:04,993
Hot, hot what?
1538
01:19:05,529 --> 01:19:06,928
Iris?
1539
01:19:11,969 --> 01:19:16,238
Oh, Tim, oh, hot.
1540
01:19:16,540 --> 01:19:17,539
Hot what?
1541
01:19:17,541 --> 01:19:20,876
Oh, hot what?
1542
01:19:20,878 --> 01:19:21,843
Oh, God.
1543
01:19:23,313 --> 01:19:26,181
Hot tub, hot tub.
1544
01:19:26,550 --> 01:19:27,816
Okay, hot tub.
1545
01:19:29,019 --> 01:19:31,553
What about the hot tub? [gasps]
1546
01:19:33,123 --> 01:19:35,323
Come on, hot tub.
1547
01:19:36,426 --> 01:19:37,392
Tim!
1548
01:19:39,029 --> 01:19:40,462
[spaceship whooshes]
1549
01:19:42,332 --> 01:19:43,498
[spaceship tinkles]
1550
01:19:47,070 --> 01:19:48,470
[alarm blares]
1551
01:19:55,412 --> 01:19:58,213
Computer, disable
automatic distress response.
1552
01:19:58,215 --> 01:20:00,448
[computer] I'm sorry, Andromeda, I can't do that.
1553
01:20:00,450 --> 01:20:03,852
What?
The authorization code is 5756.
1554
01:20:03,854 --> 01:20:07,155
It is a hot tub, not a
flying saucer, you idiot.
1555
01:20:07,157 --> 01:20:08,990
Do not respond.
1556
01:20:09,493 --> 01:20:10,926
[computer] Responding.
1557
01:20:10,928 --> 01:20:12,194
[spaceship whirs]
1558
01:20:12,196 --> 01:20:13,395
[water splashes]
1559
01:20:14,832 --> 01:20:15,897
What?
1560
01:20:16,867 --> 01:20:19,067
Tim! [gasps]
1561
01:20:19,570 --> 01:20:21,970
[computer] I'm sorry, Andromeda. You're not authorized
1562
01:20:21,972 --> 01:20:24,973
to cancel a distressed spacecraft emergency response.
1563
01:20:24,975 --> 01:20:26,908
-[groans]
-[speaks in alien language]
1564
01:20:29,613 --> 01:20:31,079
[dog barks]
1565
01:20:38,288 --> 01:20:39,487
[spaceship hums]
1566
01:20:42,559 --> 01:20:44,492
God, please help me. [gasps]
1567
01:20:44,494 --> 01:20:47,896
Have you got my family
in there, you bastards?
1568
01:20:48,432 --> 01:20:52,300
Oh, no, no. [grunts]
1569
01:20:52,302 --> 01:20:53,535
[spaceship whirs]
1570
01:21:01,278 --> 01:21:03,945
[computer]
Emergency, liftoff failure.
1571
01:21:03,947 --> 01:21:05,113
Unable to pressurize.
1572
01:21:05,115 --> 01:21:06,381
[spaceship whooshes]
1573
01:21:09,253 --> 01:21:10,552
Entry tube jammed.
1574
01:21:10,554 --> 01:21:11,653
Unable to ascend.
1575
01:21:11,655 --> 01:21:13,021
[Andromeda groans]
1576
01:21:21,164 --> 01:21:22,197
Dad!
1577
01:21:23,533 --> 01:21:25,033
[Mallory grunts]
1578
01:21:32,376 --> 01:21:33,909
-[Tim] Go!
-[gasps]
1579
01:21:35,512 --> 01:21:38,980
[computer] Security alert, medical bay doors open.
1580
01:21:39,549 --> 01:21:42,117
[gasps]
I'm going to go get help.
1581
01:21:45,155 --> 01:21:46,922
[Tim] Save yourself. Go find
1582
01:21:46,924 --> 01:21:48,924
Andromeda. She'll help you.
1583
01:21:56,967 --> 01:21:58,066
What?
1584
01:21:58,568 --> 01:22:00,635
-[zipper zips]
-[Tim breaths heavily]
1585
01:22:17,187 --> 01:22:19,220
-[door whooshes]
-Hey, I like your style.
1586
01:22:19,222 --> 01:22:20,322
You?
1587
01:22:20,324 --> 01:22:21,556
[giggles] Yeah, it's me.
1588
01:22:21,558 --> 01:22:23,258
It's been me all along.
1589
01:22:23,260 --> 01:22:24,592
You abducted my daughter?
1590
01:22:24,594 --> 01:22:27,195
Well, technically
she's our daughter,
1591
01:22:27,197 --> 01:22:28,396
so how about this?
1592
01:22:28,398 --> 01:22:29,664
Why don't you come with me,
1593
01:22:29,666 --> 01:22:31,266
and we can all go
as a happy family?
1594
01:22:31,268 --> 01:22:34,336
-Go to hell.
-Oh, stop it, you big baby.
1595
01:22:34,338 --> 01:22:36,671
I'm offering you
lots of cosmic sex.
1596
01:22:36,673 --> 01:22:39,307
Okay, you know what? It's not
working on your anymore, is it?
1597
01:22:39,309 --> 01:22:40,575
All right, fine.
1598
01:22:40,577 --> 01:22:44,412
Listen, truth, um,
my race is dying,
1599
01:22:44,414 --> 01:22:46,214
and I need an infusion of DNA
1600
01:22:46,216 --> 01:22:49,751
from a primitive humanoid
species to strengthen our DNA,
1601
01:22:51,989 --> 01:22:53,071
got it?
1602
01:22:53,072 --> 01:22:54,154
You were
going to extract her DNA?
1603
01:22:54,157 --> 01:22:57,492
Well, no, no,
see the original plan was
1604
01:22:57,494 --> 01:23:00,428
you were supposed
to come to Vega with me,
and we were going to mate
1605
01:23:00,430 --> 01:23:02,731
and produce hybridized offspring
with your pure DNA,
1606
01:23:02,733 --> 01:23:04,466
and everybody
was going to be happy,
1607
01:23:04,468 --> 01:23:06,167
and I was going to be a
hero, boop, boop, boop,
1608
01:23:06,169 --> 01:23:07,402
but that didn't happen,
1609
01:23:07,404 --> 01:23:09,170
and yet the elders
still granted me
1610
01:23:09,172 --> 01:23:10,438
a second visit down here
1611
01:23:10,440 --> 01:23:11,773
to see if I could get you
or Mallory
1612
01:23:14,277 --> 01:23:15,644
to come home with me...
1613
01:23:15,645 --> 01:23:17,012
[sighs] but you
weren't leaving your wife.
1614
01:23:17,748 --> 01:23:19,414
I asked Mallory if she would be
1615
01:23:19,416 --> 01:23:21,516
willing to come back and live
with me, and--
1616
01:23:21,518 --> 01:23:23,518
So you just kidnapped her?
1617
01:23:23,520 --> 01:23:27,622
No, I, I tried, but the elders
have this hard fast rule
1618
01:23:27,624 --> 01:23:29,591
of no forced abductions...
[laughs]
1619
01:23:29,593 --> 01:23:31,693
...you know, so that's why we
couldn't leave the solar system
1620
01:23:31,695 --> 01:23:33,395
when Mallory was held captive.
1621
01:23:34,364 --> 01:23:36,197
If I fail at this mission,
1622
01:23:36,666 --> 01:23:38,767
there's not going to be
any of us left,
1623
01:23:39,436 --> 01:23:41,569
and I'm failing miserably.
1624
01:23:41,571 --> 01:23:43,171
It's not too late.
1625
01:23:44,474 --> 01:23:47,609
There, there are thousands
of men on Earth that would,
1626
01:23:47,611 --> 01:23:50,345
would do anything
for a woman like you,
1627
01:23:50,347 --> 01:23:53,181
but it can't be me.
1628
01:23:53,550 --> 01:23:55,283
I'm in love with Eve.
1629
01:23:58,688 --> 01:23:59,654
Wait.
1630
01:24:01,591 --> 01:24:02,724
Look, I, um,
1631
01:24:05,262 --> 01:24:06,828
I need to tell you something.
I don't know
1632
01:24:06,830 --> 01:24:09,531
if this is going to help
clear your conscience, but...
1633
01:24:12,702 --> 01:24:16,171
you weren't just drunk
when you had sex with me.
1634
01:24:17,240 --> 01:24:18,473
I drugged you.
1635
01:24:18,475 --> 01:24:21,743
You wouldn't even have sex
with me when you were wasted,
1636
01:24:21,745 --> 01:24:22,710
and, um,
1637
01:24:22,712 --> 01:24:28,550
I guess I just want to
say I'm, I'm really sorry.
1638
01:24:37,661 --> 01:24:38,827
[birds chirping]
1639
01:24:44,201 --> 01:24:45,200
[Mallory sighs]
1640
01:24:51,208 --> 01:24:52,440
[dramatic music]
1641
01:24:53,143 --> 01:24:54,275
[Eve sobs]
1642
01:25:00,150 --> 01:25:02,250
Oh, oh, for heaven's sake.
1643
01:25:02,252 --> 01:25:04,385
You got to take a shower
and get some clothes on.
1644
01:25:04,387 --> 01:25:06,121
There's some things
I need to tell you.
1645
01:25:06,123 --> 01:25:07,522
No, it's okay.
1646
01:25:08,191 --> 01:25:09,257
You know?
1647
01:25:09,259 --> 01:25:12,193
I saw it in your
face the night it happened.
1648
01:25:12,195 --> 01:25:13,528
I didn't
realize it was Andromeda,
1649
01:25:13,530 --> 01:25:16,531
but I knew
you'd slept with somebody.
1650
01:25:16,533 --> 01:25:18,766
All this time and
you never said a word?
1651
01:25:19,769 --> 01:25:21,369
I didn't know what to say.
1652
01:25:21,371 --> 01:25:23,605
I just bottled it up inside.
1653
01:25:23,607 --> 01:25:26,441
I withdrew from you,
and I went a little bit crazy.
1654
01:25:26,443 --> 01:25:27,675
I'm sorry.
1655
01:25:28,778 --> 01:25:30,411
-Oh.
-I'm so sorry.
1656
01:25:30,413 --> 01:25:32,147
If you hadn't have slept
with Andromeda,
1657
01:25:32,149 --> 01:25:33,248
we wouldn't have Mallory,
1658
01:25:33,250 --> 01:25:34,415
and I would not give up
1659
01:25:34,417 --> 01:25:35,884
our family for the world.
1660
01:25:35,886 --> 01:25:37,185
[Tim sobs]
1661
01:25:41,658 --> 01:25:42,857
[sobs] Oh, Tim.
1662
01:25:47,631 --> 01:25:48,863
[guests chattering]
1663
01:25:49,733 --> 01:25:52,167
I had to buy
another bottle of champagne.
1664
01:25:52,169 --> 01:25:55,170
I still can't figure out what
happened to the one we bought
last year.
1665
01:25:59,476 --> 01:26:01,276
Andromeda drank it.
1666
01:26:06,616 --> 01:26:07,815
Thank you for being honest.
1667
01:26:09,753 --> 01:26:11,586
Hey, I've got an idea.
1668
01:26:11,888 --> 01:26:15,223
Can you believe it's
been 17 years of marriage?
1669
01:26:15,225 --> 01:26:17,225
It's been 16 for me.
1670
01:26:17,227 --> 01:26:18,593
Damn Einstein!
1671
01:26:19,296 --> 01:26:20,628
[off-kilter music]
1672
01:26:22,532 --> 01:26:23,665
[door slams]
1673
01:26:23,667 --> 01:26:26,634
We have a year's worth of
sex to make up in one night,
1674
01:26:27,370 --> 01:26:29,571
but first
let's only once, since,
1675
01:26:30,340 --> 01:26:31,940
well, I think
that's going to change
1676
01:26:31,942 --> 01:26:34,242
because your sins
have been forgiven. [chuckles]
1677
01:26:34,878 --> 01:26:36,544
[both breath heavily]
1678
01:26:39,916 --> 01:26:41,616
[Mallory giggles]
1679
01:26:46,323 --> 01:26:47,288
Hey!
1680
01:26:47,290 --> 01:26:50,825
You watch where that
tongue is going, young man.
1681
01:26:53,530 --> 01:26:54,629
JK.
1682
01:26:54,631 --> 01:26:56,231
[chuckles] Not really.
1683
01:26:56,233 --> 01:26:57,999
Shut up, Mom.
1684
01:26:58,001 --> 01:27:00,268
I am ROFLMAO. [laughs]
1685
01:27:00,270 --> 01:27:01,869
Do you even
know what that means?
1686
01:27:01,871 --> 01:27:02,937
Oh, honey.
1687
01:27:05,408 --> 01:27:07,575
Semicolon,
hyphen, closed parentheses.
1688
01:27:07,877 --> 01:27:10,311
Mom, you can't say that.
1689
01:27:10,313 --> 01:27:11,946
The winky face only
works when you type it.
1690
01:27:14,551 --> 01:27:16,451
Ooh, I hear our
special guest outside.
1691
01:27:16,453 --> 01:27:17,752
Let's go dancing!
1692
01:27:17,754 --> 01:27:19,754
[upbeat music]
1693
01:27:19,756 --> 01:27:21,623
TGYL. [giggles]
1694
01:27:25,829 --> 01:27:29,631
¶ Sittin' in the sunshine ¶
1695
01:27:30,800 --> 01:27:34,502
¶ Starin' at the blue sky ¶
1696
01:27:35,772 --> 01:27:39,907
¶ I ain't got no problems ¶
1697
01:27:40,677 --> 01:27:44,312
¶ I guess I Must have forgot 'em ¶
1698
01:27:45,015 --> 01:27:49,784
¶ I got all I'll ever need ¶
1699
01:27:50,520 --> 01:27:55,023
¶ With you keepin' me company ¶
1700
01:27:55,592 --> 01:27:59,427
¶ Here in our very own ¶
1701
01:27:59,429 --> 01:28:01,596
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1702
01:28:03,967 --> 01:28:06,834
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1703
01:28:10,473 --> 01:28:13,941
¶ See the smile on my face ¶
1704
01:28:14,978 --> 01:28:17,745
¶ No longer running In that race ¶
1705
01:28:17,747 --> 01:28:20,615
-I'm James, and I'm an abductee.
-[all] Hi, James.
1706
01:28:20,617 --> 01:28:23,518
[Laura] I'm Laura,
and I'm an abductee.
1707
01:28:23,520 --> 01:28:24,819
[all] Hi, Laura.
1708
01:28:25,755 --> 01:28:29,023
Hi, I'm Tim,
and I am an abductee.
1709
01:28:29,025 --> 01:28:30,491
[abductees clap]
1710
01:28:32,595 --> 01:28:33,561
Whoo!
1711
01:28:36,666 --> 01:28:37,632
Yeah!
1712
01:28:40,036 --> 01:28:43,037
¶ Though we Don't live on Easy Street ¶
1713
01:28:44,974 --> 01:28:49,477
¶ But life Has never been so sweet ¶
1714
01:28:49,479 --> 01:28:53,648
¶ I've got all I'll ever need ¶
1715
01:28:54,684 --> 01:28:58,820
¶ With you keepin' me company ¶
1716
01:28:59,856 --> 01:29:03,658
¶ Here in our very own ¶
1717
01:29:03,660 --> 01:29:05,793
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1718
01:29:08,565 --> 01:29:10,965
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1719
01:29:10,967 --> 01:29:13,134
[Paul] God, I feel like a,
I feel like a kid again.
1720
01:29:13,136 --> 01:29:15,470
Yeah! [laughs]
1721
01:29:16,940 --> 01:29:18,506
It's the second coming.
1722
01:29:20,543 --> 01:29:24,879
It's beautiful, and you're
beautiful, and I'm beautiful.
1723
01:29:24,881 --> 01:29:28,416
[Andromeda] Come on, Father, or should I call you Daddy?
1724
01:29:28,418 --> 01:29:29,617
[Andromeda purrs]
1725
01:29:29,619 --> 01:29:30,885
[spaceship whooshes]
1726
01:29:35,925 --> 01:29:39,861
¶ Miracles are all around me ¶
1727
01:29:40,764 --> 01:29:44,932
¶ I don't have to look too far ¶
1728
01:29:45,702 --> 01:29:49,771
¶ Sometimes What we're searching for ¶
1729
01:29:50,440 --> 01:29:55,543
¶ You find it In your own backyard ¶
1730
01:29:58,081 --> 01:30:00,648
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1731
01:30:04,421 --> 01:30:07,989
¶ Everything is all right ¶
1732
01:30:09,159 --> 01:30:12,560
¶ Peaceful in the twilight ¶
1733
01:30:14,097 --> 01:30:18,099
¶ With an angel by my side ¶
1734
01:30:19,035 --> 01:30:23,471
¶ Never been more satisfied ¶
1735
01:30:23,473 --> 01:30:27,809
¶ I got all I'll ever need ¶
1736
01:30:28,711 --> 01:30:33,648
¶ With you keepin' me company ¶
1737
01:30:33,983 --> 01:30:37,718
¶ Here in our very own ¶
1738
01:30:37,720 --> 01:30:39,854
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1739
01:30:42,559 --> 01:30:44,091
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1740
01:30:48,731 --> 01:30:52,033
¶ Everything is all right ¶
1741
01:30:57,474 --> 01:30:59,540
¶ Little piece of heaven ¶
1742
01:31:02,245 --> 01:31:04,612
¶ A little piece of heaven ¶
1743
01:31:23,500 --> 01:31:26,567
[off-kilter music]
125856
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