All language subtitles for Kenny.2006.DVDRip.XViD-NODLABS

MAN: Right, sorry,
so the show's on the 16th.

And what... Is it a festival, is it?

How many people
would you expect from...

From start to finish, how many people
would you expect?

We'll say 4,000?

Keep it going.

No worries. Now, is alcohol being
served at the event?

No, it's all being charged.
It's a bar, is it?

Uh, is there food...
is there food being served?

Good quality food,
or probably just junk food?

Chips and... pizzas. Yeah.

And, uh, have you got any
Indonesian foods or curries?

You have? Alright.

Well, normally, if it was
a non-drinking event,

as far as alcohol,

and there was
no food or curries,

for 4,000 people for 10 hours,

you'd have five male
and five female blocks.

But you've got alcohol
being served,

as well as the food and you've got
curries in there as well,

which does make
a bit of a difference.

And on the, uh... on the solid
to water-based

or liquid waste ratio,

you've got a 4 to 1.

So it's basically
four liquid to one solid.

That's the piss and shit ratio, yeah.

People... I must admit,
when people find out what I do,

I mean, when they ask
what I do, I say I'm a plumber,

and they say, "Well,
that'd be pretty interesting",

and I say,
"Well, not that interesting,

" 'cause all I plumb
is shithouses."

As you can see,
we've got a lot of blocks here.

We've just gotta find
one more combo unit

and we're on our way.

Where is the bastard?

How do you lose a 40ft toilet?

Yeah, most people...
they always freak out

because, of course, they think
you're handling the stuff.

They think... I don't know
whether they think I eat it

or whether they think
I scrub it on meself.

You know, I plumb it.

See? Here's another
classic example.

Someone having
a 2-inch arsehole

and us only having installed
1-inch piping.

As much as people think
you're covered in shit and piss,

you're not.

It's 85% of it's water.

85 and in some instances
up to 90% water.

I know that leaves around

about 10% to 15%
of shit and piss,

but there's some chemicals
in there that work on that.

See, this is what we spend
half our time cleaning up.

How hard is it?

I mean, I don't mean to be
straight up about it,

but, I mean, there's a urinal -

you stand here
and, being a male,

you've got a prong on you
which points forward,

so I don't understand
how they get it under their feet.

They must point it down.

The funny part is,
parents look at me, you know,

and say, "Well, that's not
much of a job, is it?

"Did you wish
you did something else?"

I said, "Well, you had kids.

"You spent the first two years
handling their shit.

"And you weren't
getting paid for that."

And they're...they shit green.

Only thing
that's supposed to be green

is apples, pears and Martians.

Stay there.

Yo!

That's the one.

Pretty lonely old job, this.

We're here before
the crowds get here

and we're the last to leave.

We miss out on all the fun,
don't we, Alf?

Yeah.

Yeah, shut her off, Alfie,
she's all done, mate.

Just make sure you stock up
all the poo tickets, boys.

This one's gonna get
a flogging today.

Yeah, well, this is where most of the
paperwork gets done,

obviously.

This is the... realistically, the sciatic
nerve of Splashdown.

What we do, normally
it's corporate bathroom rentals.

I mean, at the end of the day,

it's just a fancy way of having
somewhere to shit, isn't it?

Having a nice place to purge.

But, uh, I mean,
other companies...

Up in Sydney there's one
that has a slogan -

`We're number one
with your number twos'.

I prefer not to spend
too long in the office.

I prefer working outside,

but this is obviously where the real
business end gets done,

so to speak.

Doesn't matter
how big the event is

or how important the event is,

be it a corporate event
or a concert,

you would think that
we'd be the first thing

that people would think of

because it's the one thing
everyone does on most days -

a la me, 10am, every morning,
regular as clockwork.

It's never the first thing
on their mind,

when, realistically, it should be
the first thing they think of,

because if we don't turn up,

grab the business
and get going with it,

well, they really are in the shit,
aren't they?

We've got a bit of a drive here

because we've gotta
drop this load off

at mama and papa poo
in Werribee.

Funny thing is, a lot of people
use the word 'shit' now

of course as an abusive word,
you know, as a swear word -

the sort of word you wanna
keep away from kiddies.

But the funny part is,
where it came from

was when they started to transport
manure in the ships

so they could use it
to fertilise gardens.

Problem was, moisture
would get in from the boat,

into the bottom of the boat

and mix up with some of the manure
they were transporting,

and it would start to ferment
and it would cause a gas,

and the problem was

if someone went down there
with a candle

or lit a match or had a pipe
or something down there,

sometimes it ignited and there was an
explosion on the boat.

After that,
they put all the crap in boxes

and it had 'SHIT'
written on the side of the box

and that stood for
'Store High In Transit'.

And that's where
it got its name from.

So... I don't know
whether there's any truth

to that story or not,

but it's a pretty elaborate,
you know, lie.

Bit of a long-winded set-up if
someone's made that story up.

I'm going with it.

Yeah, so, I'm having to work
a little bit of overtime tonight

just to get a couple
of extra toilets ready.

We've got a heap of them
going out next week.

As you can see, the kids...
I don't know what they do.

They've broken through
that one. They do all sorts...

Oh, have a look at this one.
You won't believe this.

Have a look at this. This one
I replaced this morning.

Look at that! Eh?

What kind of curry
has that bloke been eating?

Devil's curry.
Hell's teeth, I tell you.

I've never understood why
people all carry on about it.

I... I enjoy a good crap,
to be quite honest.

I not only enjoy it, I love it.

I don't think
it's all pain and anger.

Me, personally, I sit on a toilet
for 20-odd minutes,

as most men can.

Do you know,
it's an interesting fact,

as far as smells,

apparently your body
only is in shock -

and sometimes it is shock -

for about the first 7 to 12 seconds or
something,

and after that you get
used to it very quickly.

That's why a man can read

a newspaper or magazine
from front to back,

you know, in the toilet, in his own
smell, and not notice it.

Mind you,
the next person that walks in

will think they've been smacked in the
head

with a poo bat.

But, uh, I don't know,
you know...

If a woman walks in after you,
kill 'em. Knock 'em in half.

I've always understood
that people...

I know everyone does get
embarrassed by taking a crap.

You wouldn't wanna be doing it
in the middle of Bourke Street,

butt-naked,
trying to poo into a cup.

I mean, even dogs...
if you watch a dog crap,

even a dog's embarrassed
to do poos.

You know when
they're doing a poo,

they're all bent over like they're
trying to root a cricket ball,

but even they... even they
get embarrassed.

And that's a dog.
And they'll eat it!

This is, uh... What am I
down to? Four strings.

I was given this guitar
by a mate of mine.

He used to play a bit of music.

And he had a bit of an accident.

And, uh... his job,
he was working,

got his hand crushed
in a machine.

He couldn't play
the guitar anymore, so...

..he gave me this.

And I always swore
I'd learn to play the guitar

but I haven't really learnt.

The only thing I've learnt is that
if I hit the strings really hard,

they break.

I think it takes a certain
kind of person to do what I do

and it's just about having
a thick skin.

No-one's ever impressed
with what you do.

No-one's ever fascinated

or no-one ever wants to come
and see what you do, or...

I imagine, if you were a fireman,

all the kids would want to jump
on the back of the truck

and follow you to a fire.

There's gonna be no kids
keen to do that.

I don't do it for the glory.
I don't do it to impress people.

It's a job. But, you know,
it's... it's what I know.

It's my trade.

And I actually think
I'm pretty good at it.

That's not bad stuff, that.

As you can see, I've got
a few different aftershaves,

which obviously,
in my line of work,

doesn't hurt to have
a few of those on hand.

A bit of an arsenal.

These are, uh... a mate of mine,

he's over in Japan
at the moment.

You should have
a look at these.

These are pictures...
they're pictures of a toilet.

They must stand over it.

God knows
how they keep that clean.

Over here, you sit right on
the pan and they still miss it.

How would you be...?

There's Robbo's feet there. See?

Look at this thing here. It's out of 'Star
Wars' or something.

This is the toilet here.

And see the armrest?

That's the control panel for it.

He hasn't explained
what they all are.

But it's got
two different settings

for a water jet
to shoot up your date -

must be to wash it
or something.

This must be the heater,
or God knows what that is.

And, jeez, look at this.

This has got a speed dial.

And I don't know what that is,

whether it's a television
or it takes an X-ray of your...

You know, I tell you what,
this'll be the future.

We'll all be sitting
on space-age shitters.

Not one single photo
of his holiday trip.

I wouldn't have a clue
where he's been,

but I know he's had two craps.

MAN: What's the go
with putting the toilets

outside of the venue?

Well, that was where we were
told to put it originally.

Not on the drawing.

Well... even though
it's on the outside of the fence,

the fence has been moved

from where I was told
it was gonna be.

I can't move it now.

You'd have to be
Andre the Giant to lift it up.

It's a couple of tonne a unit.

Well, can we get it sorted
by the end of today, or...?

Well, to do it,
I'll have to unplumb it,

turn the water off, get a crane.

I mean, I can have a go.

You want me to ring the boss?
- Yes.

Alright, I'll ring Glenn
and I'll come and see you.

Are you at the manager's hut?
Yep.

Or I'm on a two-way.
Just please get hold of me.

Alright. Done.
Thank you.

Jeez, this'll be great.
He wants us to move the toilet.

Well, they reckon we've put
the toilet in the wrong spot.

Well, I didn't drop it off -
Tom did.

But it's just outside
the front fence,

which is where I thought
it was supposed to go.

MAN ON P.A.:
The F-111 lands...

( MOBILE PHONE RINGS )

This could be
a little bit colourful.

That's from me... me ex-wife.

We're separated.

Apparently, me little boy's
putting on a bit of a show.

I have to give her a ring.
I won't be...

Yeah. Don't yell in the phone.

What...what...
what has he called you?

Oh, jeez. Well, do you want to
put him on the phone to me?

Yeah, well, oh,
it's a bit different.

I'm a grown-up, mate.
You're still a boy.

Yeah, well, you're gonna have to pull
your head in a bit.

You can't be carrying on
like a bloody raw prawn.

Alright.

Yeah, well, maybe just
steady on a bit, eh?

Just try and pull it up a bit.

No, I understand that, but she's still
your mother, mate.

It doesn't matter what I say.

Yeah, I know I said that, but
we were a bit heated that day.

There's no need to be repeating that.

Alright, well, just try
and settle down a bit.

No, mate, the first time
I ever saw

Glenn shove his hand
down a bowl,

and that's the owner
of this company,

turned up in a suit, mate,

he ripped his shirt off,

straight into the shit.

And I got there, and I said,

"There's fuckin' a man
after my own heart

"that'll do anything."

His arm's into it.

It's nice to have
a boss that knows

what we're going
through at last.

Do you know, I sometimes feel
a bit lucky that I've got this job.

In this job, I must admit,

I've had a chance to see
some great stuff.

And I work with
a good bunch of blokes.

And, you know, that's more than
anyone can ask for.

I tell you what, Robbo, do you mind if I
lob here tonight?

I'll have a few more beers.
I don't give a shit at all, mate.

Eh, you can even
stay in that bed,

and I'll make a bed
up for myself...

No, no. I'm not gonna stay in your bed,
Robbo. It's your joint.

Ah, well, there's
no problems, brother.

There's a lounge there.
There's a bed there.

Hey, no worries.
You've got the whole lot.

You know, the funny part is

everyone will deny the fact
that they look at their poo,

but everyone does.

The ancient Greeks...

Cop this one.

The ancient Greeks,
they used to use poo, back in...

I mean, talking 2,000 years ago,
when Christ was alive.

They used to look at their poo,
or people's poo

to forecast the future.

Mind you, if they'd seen
some of the poo I've seen

at some of the festivals,
the future looks pretty bleak.

But they used to use it
to forecast the future,

back 2,000 years ago.

Hey, Darren, have you got power to
those toilets

across there yet?

This is the busiest time of year.

This is the crazy time.

Obviously,
when the sun comes out,

every bastard has a festival,

and we get flogged
like crooked dogs in a...

It's a mongrel.

It just goes bonkers. It's as silly
as a bum full of Smarties.

I often sing
'Advance Australia Fair'.

There's nothing wrong with
having a bit of national pride.

Problem is,
when I first heard it,

I used to think the song was,
the words were,

"Australians all
let us ring Joyce,

" 'cause she is young
and free."

So, obviously, I was making
a goose of myself,

right up until the old man
set me straight on the words.

I sing it right now.

"Australians all
let us ring Joyce."

God.

You know, I get to see
some great stuff doing this job.

And it's never boring.

But, I mean, you know,
I hear of people all the time

and you read about it -

people sitting behind
their desk at work

terrified that the next day
they're gonna be out of work.

Well, that's not something
I've ever gotta worry about.

You know, it's not like
my business

is gonna dry up
overnight, is it?

How you been? Well?
Excellent.

I haven't seen you forever.

I'll catch up with you there.
OK.

See you, mate.
See you.

That's a mate from school.

That's a guy
I went to school with.

That's Macka.

I must admit, I thought
you'd got a bit taller

since I'd seen you,

but you've got
these bloody boots on.

They're different from the footy
boots you strapped on

when we were at school, mate.

There's not too much I regret
about doing this job.

I think I've worked
a lot of hours,

and it's probably
aged me a bit.

You know, some of my mates
reckon I'm looking a bit worn.

Well, I lost my missus.

I lost her out of it.

That was... Well, I didn't
lose her. I know where she is.

She just left me, but, uh...

..it bit me on the arse pretty hard when
she was leaving me.

You know, it was one tax l
didn't expect to pay in this job,

and that was losing me missus.

But when you spend more time
with other people's poo

than you do your own wife,
you've gotta pay the penalty.

MAN: Do you know that
70% of marriages fail? 70%.

I mean, you hear of so many stories of
that whole...

..that same scenario.

You know, you get married

and a week later
they break up or something

or, you know, it doesn't work.

Or, you know, sex doesn't
happen or something.

Or, you know,
she goes off you or something.

Or, you know, the parents
are around every day

or something.

Or you can't support them,
give them what they want,

because they came from,
you know,

a wealthier background
or something than you,

and you're wishing
that you could, you know,

support it more than that,
but you can't,

because you just...you can't.

I always get a little bit nervous

when Pat comes in
for one of his little chats.

Sadly, Pat's chosen to learn
from my life's mistakes

instead of learning
from his own.

-So... you still loved her
in the end?

-Or did you...?

Oh, it was a little bit hard to
love someone that hates you.

Yeah.

Don't worry too much.

If you worry too much,
you'll drive yourself mad.

By the time you cut
the wedding cake,

you'll cut the table in half,
you'll be that nervous.

A wedding is an "I do" kind of day.
That's all your pressure is.

Remember that - "I do."

Do you want to marry this woman till
the rest of your life?

"I do."

Are you ready
to go to the park?

Do you want to have
photos taken next to her

now that you've married her?

"I do."

Do you want to go
on the honeymoon

and do the horizontal
folk dance?

"Yes, love, I do."

Just, all you've gotta
remember is "I do".

There's no pressure,
you know?

If you think of it like that,
then it's not that big a deal...

..unless a bloke comes down
in the wedding dress,

then you'll know
your day's gone to shit.

But that's not gonna
happen, is it?

I don't know whether
I'm necessarily the right person

to be asking about all this,
to tell you the truth, Pat.

Mine failed.
I don't...you know

I once heard a guy say,

"Cut out the middle man -

"find someone you hate
and give them a house."

Now, if you want to
be negative about it,

that's the way you'd look at it.

You've been there.
I haven't been there yet.

You've been through that.

I mean, I'm asking you
because you...

..you were there for 14 years.

But that's...
that was my missus.

You're gonna marry
someone different.

And that's...

If you were gonna
marry my ex-wife,

I'd have a ton of stuff
to tell you.

Is this the right person?
Is this the right time?

Is this the right...?

Hello.
WOMAN: Yeah, come in.

Yeah, it's only me.

How are you?
- Yeah, OK.

It's a fair old day outside,
isn't it?

There's the boy.
How are you, boy? You right?

You right to go?

All good. You've got some
stuff packed and a towel?

Alright.

Well, we'll get going, eh?
We'll hit the road.

What do you say, mate?

We'll be back,
well, I don't know what time.

We're just gonna head off
down the beach now.

So...
- I need him back by 4:00.

I'm sorry?
- I need him back by 4:00.

What? Well, it's midday now.

How am I gonna have him back
by four o'clock?

I've got plans.
I need him back by 4:00.

Look, you want to
jump in the car, mate?

Grab your toy there.
Jump in the car.

I'll be one sec.

I'm just gonna have
a little chat to your mother.

It would've been nice
to have known this

at 8:00 this morning
when I rang.

We're going down
to Ocean Grove.

It'll take me an hour and a half
to get there.

I don't give a shit.
I need him back at 4:00.

We're just taking him down
to see his grandfather.

If I've got him back by 4:00,

we'll only spend
30 minutes there.

It would've been nice
to have known this

this morning, though.

I'm taking the boy
down to see his grandfather,

not that you seem to be
too plussed about that.

Alright.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, do you want to
jump in the front

with your old man, mate?

You don't want to
jump up the front there?

We've got the front seat.
You can sit up with me and...

Alright. Well, please yourself.

You're right
in the back there, then?

Alright.

How you been, mate?
You been good?

Hey? Well, er, we'll get you
down to your grandad's.

We're just gonna go down to
Ocean Grove, to the beach.

You like it down at the beach,
don't you, mate?

What do you say, eh?

Dad, are you going to hell?

Am I going to hell?

Well, no, I'm not going to hell.
Not as far as I know.

Why's that?

Because Mum said... Mum said you
don't believe in God.

Mum said
I don't believe in God?

And that's why
I'm going to hell?

Well, mate, er...
Look, I tell you what.

When God introduces
himself to me,

I'll give him my full attention.

I'll give him 150%, mate.

But until then,
I'm just a little bit busy.

Jesus, and I'm going to hell,
she reckons.

(Sighs)

To be quite honest,
I think I'm already in it.

(Mutters) Am I going to hell!

(Giggles)
(Sings) # Australians all

# Let us ring Joyce

(Both sing) # For she
is young and free

# She's free... #

(Boy giggles)

You know, if my son
ended up doing this job,

I don't think
I'd be that upset by that.

If he was happy,

and he had good people around him

Iike I've got good people around me,

and he's making OK money

and he's proud of
what he does as a trade -

'cause, don't forget,
it is a trade...

Hello?

..I'd be stoked for him.

You there, Dad?
Hey, mate, how are you going?

Oh, you made it, I see.

I did. Good to see you again.

Say hello to
your grandfather, son.

You better... Wait on, boy.
Take your shoes off.

You might have to
pop them off.

You'd better get yours off too.
- Alright. We'll pop them off.

Right.

Have you been well?
Oh, yeah. Listen...

Eh, eh, just before...
No, wait on.

I've just had that scotchguarded there.

You'd better get these off.
You'd better get these off.

Well, they're clean.
I mean, I haven't been...

I've only dropped
into the office this morning.

There's no business on them.

I'm actually going to
a job tonight.

Well, they don't look
too flash to me.

Get them off. I'll get you...

I've got something
you can wear. Here, I've got...

Get them off, would you?

Well, I can't run around
in me jocks, Dad.

No, well, I've got something.

I've got a gown here
you can put on.

No-one's gonna see you.

For Christ's sake.
Just take them off.

Jesus Christ.

Well, what am I gonna wear?

I've got a gown here.
I've got a gown, I said.

So what else is news, Dad?
What have you been doing?

Oh, not a lot. There's not
a lot to do down here.

It goes past with
monotonous regularity.

Just don't take your foot off the thing.
Just let me move that up.

Sure.

I'll get a couple of coasters there for...

Won't be a tick.
- Alright.

There you go, young fella.
Don't... Try not to spill that.

Just keep...
keep your eye on him.

He'll be right, Dad.

There you go, son.
There's your water for you.

I'll give you a tea.
I'm a bit light on for coffee.

My pension doesn't come through till
next week.

Did you ring that bloke that
I told you to ring about the job?

No, I didn't...
No, I haven't rung him.

Why not?

He's a good mate of mine.
Why didn't you ring him?

I'm not saying he's not
a good mate of yours, Dad.

It's just I don't need
to ring him. I've got a job.

Yeah, but I'm talking
about a real job.

I'm talking about a real job.

I've got a real job, Dad.
I'm a plumber.

Yeah, plumber, my arse.
I know what you are.

Here, young fella.

You better go outside
and eat that.

I don't want you dropping crumbs all
over the floor.

Sit on... outside.

Take your hat, mate, so...

You might get
a bit of sun out there.

Pop your hat on too, eh?

I'm a little...a little
disappointed in you, son.

In me? Disappointed...
disappointed with what?

It's a full-time job, Dad.

I'm working
six to seven days a week

and I'm pulling in over $1,200.

Yeah, what, a full-time job?

I didn't put you through school

for you to become
a fuckin' glorified turd burglar,

and that's all you
fuckin' well are!

I'm a plumber, Dad.
I'm a plumber.

Oh, plumber, my arse!

Don't say this stuff
in front of the boy.

I won't say it in front of him.
That's why I sent him outside.

I'm not a ding-a-ling.

You never see a man,
you never come to see me

and when you come here,
all you wanna do is argue.

I don't wanna argue.
I've just got a job.

As soon as you can accept
that I've got a full-time job...

I thought you'd be glad
to see me.

I am glad to see you, Dad.

I've just driven down here to...
Of course I'm glad to see you.

And the lad's growing up.

The last time I saw him,
he was about this high,

and have a look at him now -
he's nearly fuckin' 6ft.

You don't bring him
near the place.

What, are you ashamed of me
or something?

Of course I'm not
ashamed of you, Dad.

Aw, it gives me the shits,
it does, boy.

You've never appreciated
anything I've done for you.

Oh, it's not about
appreciation, Dad.

I'll just wash this cup.

Pop your shoes on, mate.

Here, young fella. Here.

Put that in your kick and
be good to your dad, alright?

Here, give us a cuddle.

Thank Grandad for
the 20 cents. Say thank you...

Thank you.
- Alright.

Off you go. I wanna have
a talk to your father.

Keep your eye on the boy and
don't have him running round

like a wild navvy,
for Christ's sake.

I never let you get away
with any of those things.

If you don't rule them
with a rod of iron,

they'll make an arsehole of you
out in public

when you take them out.

He's alright.
Yeah, he's alright.

Well, keep him that way.

Alright, well, I'll see you again.
Alright.

Don't make it so long next time,
for Christ's sake.

A man never sees you.
You never come to visit me.

I'll see you soon.
As soon as I've finished...

And if you get a chance,
ring that bloke about that job.

It won't happen, Dad.
Good to see you.

Alright. See you.

(mutters indistinctly)

Righto.

One! Two! Three!

Move!

I mean, this is kind of
my outlet, you know?

On the job sometimes, you know, you
get a few smarties -

you know, a couple of
clever dicks on the job

that always wanna have
a go at you.

And, you know,
they're all full of Dutch courage

and got themselves full
of the Batman juice.

So I started doing this
as a little bit of insurance,

a bit of self-insurance.

( BELL RINGS )

Out! In! Out!

(speaks unintelligibly)

What's that?
A little bit quicker, mate.

(speaks unintelligibly)
A little bit quicker!

(speaks unintelligibly)

The only hard bit sometimes
is, with the head gear on,

plus I'm actually
slightly deaf in one ear -

my right side...

( BELL RINGS )

Hook - right hand!
What?

Hook - right hand!
Right. Sorry.

Takes it out of me, this, but I do
enjoy doing it, the old boxing.

Beat the shit out of each other
and get back to work.

I don't make the rules up.
I don't make the plans.

We get all given the same map.

You've gotta be
more conscious

of what other guys
are doing, mate.

You want three units, so we'll need to
get that truck in there.

WOMAN: The toilet over there
is disgusting.

There's piss all over the walls.

It's gross. You really should
try and maintain them.

PAT: You'd think it'd be
a simple thing.

150 bucks a head. $150.

I kind of think what I could do
with $150 for 200 people.

Which way? Over this way?

Hey, hang on, hang on!

Sorry, love!
WOMAN: If you don't mind!

Sorry. I'm actually here with...

I'm here with
the...toilet company.

Sorry, love.

I didn't see anything,
if that makes any difference.

Jesus.

You know, I wouldn't mind...

They could shit on the floor,
I can cope with that.

This is what annoys me
the most - this stuff.

Look, 'Davo waz here'.

Can't spell for a starter.

'Davo waz here'.

What a claim to fame that is.

Imagine if he went to, er...

Imagine if he got
to the Eiffel Tower.

He'd want a golden handshake,

a fuckin' brass band
and a fireworks show.

This is his claim to fame.
He's been to our shitter.

What a fuckin' muppet.

PAT ON TWO-WAY RADIO:
Kenny, are you there?

KENNY ON TWO-WAY RADIO:
Yeah, go ahead, Pat.

Listen, mate.
I need you down at the block.

A bit of a situation here.
We've got... (Voice breaks up)

I can't hear you. You're breaking up.

I need you here
to have a look and...

I'll be there in a minute.
Just hang on a second.

Jeez.

Just found him here.

See if you can...

..undo that chain.

What the bloody hell's...?

You right, mate?

Can you...? Hey, mate?
You alright?

How are you going? Wake up, tiger.

Hang on, hang on.

(Man yells) Simon!

Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!

KENNY: Jesus. Well, he was passed out
when we got here.

He wasn't even awake so we
had to kind of wake him up.

And as soon as
we woke him up,

and he realised
that he was chained

and handcuffed to the toilet,

he just went berserk.

(Yells) Peter!

I don't know. Maybe he's on drugs or
something.

He was jumping round
like a fish.

MAN: You bastards!

No, no, it's... He's on
a bucks night or something.

He's probably got
some mates here somewhere.

They've drawn on him
with texta.

FIREMAN: What's your name?
I'm Kenny...Smyth.

S-M-Y-T-H.

(Man yells indistinctly)

Listen, I've got my own car here,
alright? I drove here.

I drove here by myself.

Arggh! Where the fuck...?

Simon!

Sandra's gonna kill me.

Sandra's gonna kill me!

Funny, isn't it?

Of all the people
I could have had with me

while I was witnessing

this guy's bucks night
gone wrong...

MAN: I own my own
fuckin' house!

..I had to have Pat.

I wanna go home.
I wanna go home!

I will hear about this
for the next fortnight.

Have a good night, fellas.
Thanks, fellas.

This is just what you guys needed
tonight, wasn't it?

FIREMAN: Exactly! (Laughs)

You didn't see anything at all?

PAT: No, I walked in
and saw him.

Ugh!

Jeez. Oh!

What's the weather like
down there, Kenny?

Oh, yeah, it's great, Sammy.
It's great.

What's this Pat's bloody story?
- Eh?

Oh, he's giving me
the shits lately.

What are you...? Huh?
- Pat.

It doesn't actually take
a genius at times

to figure out
who are the square pegs

in a room full of round holes.

We've got a new guy, Sammy,
who started with us.

Nice bloke.

He's a hard worker,
there's no doubt about that,

but he's hard work.

Always going on
about this bloody marriage

and, "Is this gonna go right?"

or "Is that gonna go
bloody right?"

Is he gonna marry her or not?

I'd say so.
They've got a wedding.

He's either gonna marry her
or not marry her.

If he ain't gonna marry her,
I'll give her one.

Look, mate.

I understand
what you're saying, I really do,

and I am hearing you,

but, mate, what you've
gotta understand

is there is a smell in here

that is gonna outlast
religion, alright?

So can you just give me ears
a rest for a minute?

Just give it a break for a sec

and we'll talk about it
later, alright?

I'd appreciate it, mate.

Now you know how I feel.

Yeah, I do.

Just like Pat - full of shit.

Keep going that way,
over towards the ambulance.

Face it, she's had
too many drinks, mate.

It doesn't matter whether
she's drunk or on drugs,

just get her through, will you?

Just push the crowd, will you?
Just push, will you?

Get in front and push
the crowd out of the way.

I'm trying to get through
but I can't.

I often get nervous
on days like these

at these big beach festivals, you know.

They draw a very big crowd

and we quite often
have to bring in extra crew.

You know, with half the kids
on the wacky tobaccy

and the fruity disco biscuits,

you know, they're as mad
as a clown's cock.

Yeah, I am, actually.

I've got a little girl.
She's been into two toilets.

There's no toilet paper at all.
Are you doing your job here?

If you have a toilet, you have
to have paper, understand?

We do, mate. I'm sorry.
I mean, we're filming...

Don't be sorry. Don't do it again. Make
sure there's paper.

We'll get it fixed up for you.
I've gotta go now.

OK, what I'll do... Sam, I want you to
stay with Pat, OK?

You stay with him
for another couple of hours.

Have a look at this here.

This is half my trouble here.

See, he's supposed to be looking after

that toilet I've been getting
all the complaints about.

He's from university
or something.

He's the one that rang us

and said he wanted to make
a few extra bucks,

and look at him.

I've gotta tell you
something, mate.

I appreciate
you want some food,

but we've had nothing
but complaints

from your toilet block

and you're over here eating
and watching the festival.

I just left Dave
over there with it.

I just nipped over here...

..literally just nipped
over here for this.

It's been a big day for all of us.

I've been here since
six o'clock this morning.

I know you guys
come on at midday.

There'll be food available
later on.

Oh, right. No, I didn't know.

If you can just head
back to the toilets,

you're gonna need
to give them a clean.

You'll figure it out.

All you do is keep toilet paper and keep
it clean.

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

Like I said, he's probably studying to be

an accountant or something.

He can't even clean a shitter.

WOMAN: No.
How much longer?

Look, it looks clean to me.
It looks fine.

If you'd have seen it
five minutes ago, love,

you wouldn't have thought so.

But there you go.
Sorry about that. In you go.

Have a look at this.

Mate, I've had three complaints
about the girls toilets already.

There's just, like, so many people in
there at the moment,

I don't want to, er...
I can't really go in.

There's gonna be a lot of people in
there all night.

It's a festival.

Even with the girls in there?

That's your job. You can throw it over
the top of the door.

They need paper more than
they do conversation.

Rightio.
Alright.

Jeez.

PAT: I've just gotta talk to you
about something.

Yeah, what's wrong?
I've been here for 12 months.

He's been here for two weeks!
- Yeah.

And he's honestly,

he's constantly telling me
what to do.

He's really starting
to piss me off.

I mean, is there a hierarchy here or
something?

No, no, there's no hierarchy, Pat. We're
all shitkickers, mate.

There's no pecking order
in poo, mate.

Well, no, but at the same time,
you know,

there's a loyalty there

if you've been here
for two weeks,

or if you've been here
for 12 months.

I mean, he thinks
he's in charge.

MAN: Hey, Kenny?
Yes, mate?

This woman, she's lost
her ring down the toilet.

Which woman? Which one?

She's just that one over there.

What's she done?

She's lost her wedding ring
down the toilet

and she wants us to get it out.

So what do you do?

You'll need to deal with that.

Look, you head over there
and get a start on it

and I'll come over
and help you out.

But how do you...

Well, you've just gotta
fish it out.

I'll be over there
in five minutes.

You've gotta get in real quick, mate,
because it'll settle.

You've gotta get into it
pretty straightaway, mate.

You've had a pretty easy day.

You've had a good day so far

and this is something
you have to do.

We do it all the time.

We've promised
we're gonna get her ring

and that's what we have to do.

I reckon I could feel it with
gloves if I had some gloves.

Mate, you're gonna have
to take my word for it.

If you put the gloves on,
you're not gonna feel the ring.

There's nothing... Mate,
it only happened a minute ago.

It's gonna be sitting pretty much on the
top of the pile.

That's why you can't
have gloves

or you'll push it straight into it.

Just bung your hand
down there and grab it,

and as soon as you're done,

we'll wash her ring, obviously,
and your hand

and it'll all be over.

It's 85% water, mate.
There's nothing to worry about.

I thought this would be corporate
bathrooms,

you know.

It says 'corporate bathrooms'.

It's only a logo.

I thought it'd be businessmen and stuff.

You reckon all the girls
on Virgin Airlines are virgins?

Sorry.

But...

I'll do it myself.

(Locks door)

Good luck with his
bloody degree. Jesus.

How are you going, love? Well,
there you go. We got it back.

That's her there.
That's your ring, isn't it?

That's the one. Thanks.
Fantastic.

Well, there you go.
OK.

Hang on.
You right?

It's a bit embarrassing.

No, it happens all the time.
It's not the first time.

I'll pop it in there for you.

Thanks for that.
- No worries.

I'll see you later, then.

Great, this is.

I've bloody... I've been
held up here

and now I've just found out

I've gotta drive the truck
back to the depot,

and I'm supposed to be at
my brother's birthday tonight.

I will say one thing,

and that is today's
just about got me beat.

I'm not exactly gonna be
the life of the party tonight.

Today was...

Today was a pretty long day.

Like I said, I can't let you in.

With what you're wearing,

I can't let you in there
tonight, alright?

I understand.
Well, can you go in?

No, I can't. I need to stay here
and look after this door.

I can't let you in.

He's just in here.

Sorry, can you get David?

Yeah, can you grab him for us?

One minute, mate, alright?
Just one minute.

I'll come back out once
I've found him. Thanks, mate.

Go home, get changed
and come back.

I'm not introducing you
to people in fuckin' overalls.

Jesus Christ.
I wouldn't do that to you.

Did I fuckin' turn up to your 21st in a
fuckin' pair of shorts?

Well, look, it wouldn't
worry me, would it?

Look, I'd go home
and get changed,

but it's gonna take me
2 to 2.5 hours.

I've gotta go to Werribee and
dump a load in the truck, so...

Alright, then.

How about I give you a ring
during the week?

I'd prefer if you came back, but
if you've gotta do that, do that.

Well, I won't have time.
I'll ring you during the week.

Happy birthday anyway.
Thank you.

Alright. Have a good one.

Thanks, mate. Thank you.

I have very fond memories
of my childhood.

You know, David and I
were brought up on a farm

in sort of northern Victoria.

Mum and Dad were...they were
farmers. They had an orchard.

And that's where I spent
my entire youth, you know.

I'd only ever been to the city...

We used to come down
to the city on the fruit runs

when it was time to deliver
all the fruit to the market.

I try and get down here
pretty much every year

for Mum's birthday.

Mum brought me these gloves.
They're beauties.

Little sleeve there with a button
as if they're off a suit.

Good sense of humour,
my mother.

I don't know if David
comes down here much

and I know Dad still finds it
pretty hard,

but I actually like coming up

and, you know,
I don the gloves

and I give
her marble cubbyhouse

a bit of a once over, you know.

Give it a bit of a spruce up.

Good... good fun lady,
my mum,

and well-liked in the town,
you know.

'Big cake lady', they'd call her.

She wasn't a good cook,
but she made big cakes,

and that was pretty popular
with all me mates.

Very affectionate woman,
my mum.

When you were being
hugged by her,

you knew you were being held

because Mum's shape...
from behind,

she looked like a fridge
with a head, but, you know,

you knew you were being cared for,
you know,

'cause Dad's emotional bank
account had two cents in it.

So Mum let you know
you were loved

and Dad kept the work going
to keep the money coming in.

And that's the way it was
in those days, you know.

MAN OVER P.A. : Drivers
in the drag-racing category,

could you move to lane six?

It's a pretty strange place,
I suppose,

to have a church at a racetrack.

They've actually got it here
for the drivers,

somewhere that they can
say a prayer

before they go out
to a dangerous race,

which I think is good.

I hope no-one ever gets
offended by the fact

that I come here
and have something to eat,

but I don't think anyone does.

I mean, I'm just having
a sandwich, you know.

I mean, after all, it is bread -

I'm having my daily bread,
you know.

And I don't think
you need to be religious

to feel the effects of a church,

and that's why I choose
to come and sit here.

You know,
it's a very calming place.

( CAR ENGINES REV LOUDLY )

You know, I think the racing event they
put on here

is sensational.

I mean, there is something here
for everybody.

But wouldn't you know it,

you still get the same old pack of
pinheads

that wanna ruin it
for everyone else.

They camp at the southern end
of the racetrack

and they get up to
all sorts of mischief.

The thing that really gets
my goat about these monkeys

is that we have to, by law,

supply them
with these toilets, right?

And every year, without fail,
after the end of the last race,

they set fire to the bastards.

What we'll do is
if we can get up there

15 minutes before
the last race starts, right,

before the Pitman Challenge,

and the only way we can get
there, right, is via the racetrack.

If we drive around
the other side of the track,

jump over the barrier
and we stand with them,

that'll be enough to deter them
from setting fire to them.

Can't the cops do that?

Well, no, they can't. Our job's
to save the toilets, alright?

Shut up, Pat, they're not worried about
fuckin' toilets.

What's wrong with you,
you plonker?

We haven't... Guys,
just focus for a minute, alright?

There's only
a few more cars to drag,

so we should
get going now, right?

You know, if I can just save one
toilet, I'll be happy, I reckon.

You have got to be joking!

It's the equaliser, isn't it?

Oh, Jesus Christ, fellas,
can we just work together?

Can we just work together
on this one?

Put the bloody
thumper bar away, mate!

Shit!
Jesus Christ.

The fuckin' race has started.

Look, just pull over.
Hey, shut up.

Hang on, boys!

Just hang on!
Shut it!

For fuck's sake!

Just keep...

( TRUCK HORNS BLARE )

We're here driving
in the middle of a truck race...

Don't worry about anything!
(Yells indistinctly)

Just hang on!
Let me concentrate!

Now, shut up, for Christ's sake.

Are the boys
on the back alright?

Pat, just look at the boys
in the back. Are they alright?

I don't believe it, Pat.

You're fuckin' like
a nancy fuckin' ninny!

Guys, can we just calm down?!
- He is out of control.

What do you mean
'out of control'?!

You are fuckin' out of control.
- I'm not out of fuckin' control!

Please, do me a favour...

Oh, Jesus Christ,

they've already lit
one of the toilets, the bastards!

Alright, guys,
there's a break, come on!

Come on. Go, go, go!

Go to the wall!

Oh, look at these mongrels.

What are you doing, Pat?
What are you doing?!

Sammy, wait for...
Sammy?! Sammy?!

(Crowd roars)

Get it up.

Oi! You spilled my beer,
you bastards!

Let go of him.

Oh, Jesus!

Put it out, Thommo. Put it out.
No, mate, me!

Leg, leg, leg! Oh, jeez.

Get it, Thommo.
Put it out. Get it!

Right, that's enough!

You've all had
enough fun now, alright?

(Crowd cheers)
Come on, you've had your fun!

Get going, you hoons!

Let's lock 'em all up, boys.
They're unlocked.

Let's lock 'em up. Alright.

You right?
Yeah, I'm alright.

Everyone alright?

Pretty crazy old night
that one, wasn't it?

I mean, that's really put me

to the end of my test tonight,
I tell you what.

That's...that's almost
my limit, I reckon.

I mean, no man
should be set on fire

trying to save one of
his shitters, you know.

It's... ridiculous.

(Men sing drunkenly)

The problem is
it's Glenn's decision,

I won't be able to
have you here

and I'm sorry
it's worked out that way.

All I did was trot up there to try
and save the fuckin' toilets.

But you punched the guy out.
He got in the way.

Sammy, every event we do,

there's people in between us and the
toilets.

If you run around
punching people out

every time you've gotta
get to a toilet,

we'll have to be sponsored
by Don King, mate.

We're plumbers,
you know what I'm saying?

Well, where was Pat?

Pat was doing
a backward flip, wasn't he?

Mate, I know he was
going backwards.

He's not cut of the same mustard of
you and me, mate.

And the point is, he's paid
as a plumber, not a title fighter.

He's a toilet cleaner, mate.

Mate, the decision's
been made.

And the reality is that
I've just gotta let you go.

I need this job big-time,
I'm telling you. I need it.

I'm gonna be evicted
from me house.

If I lose this job,
I'm gonna have nowhere.

No, you can't sack me.

You tell him I'll be here seven
o'clock Monday morning.

Sammy, I can't do that, mate.
You know that.

The only thing I can do for you

just to get you
out of a tight spot

is I can lend you
some money here.

Throw that
in your skyrocket there.

Thanks, Kenny. I appreciate it.
That's alright, mate.

Just sit there and
have a rest for a minute.

And just let me
grab you a coffee

and just sit there for a minute
and have a rest, eh?

( BELL RINGS )

Go, Kenny, go!

Dig deep! Go on! Dig deep!

Kenny, what are you doing?!

Come on, Ken, work! Work it!

Work! Hold it up!

What are you doing, Kenny?!
Come here!

You can't train like this, mate.

You either gotta give it
a fair go or get out.

Now get in there and have a go.
I might call it a night, eh?

I'm not feeling up to it.

You've gotta have
someone else to do this.

I can't do all this
with all the work we've got on.

With Sammy gone and bloody Pat off
getting married, Glenn,

I can't do this.

GLENN: Look, you're going.
I've already booked the tickets.

What do you mean...

And you're flying
business class too.

But you told me
about this show.

This show's enormous.
Can't you go?

Listen, relax, you're getting
too wound up about it.

We'll cope down here, alright?

What's this?

Believe me, mate,
you'll have a ball.

It's Nashville, Tennessee.

You'll get over there,
you work a couple of days,

the rest you'll just
enjoy yourself.

Did you know about this?

( PHONE RINGS )

I'll be buggered.

Me own business cards.

(chuckles)

WOMAN: Hello, Mr Sacks,
how are you?

MAN: Fine, thank you.
Very good.

It's on the far side,
thank you very much.

How are you going?
Hello.

Mr Smyth, that's
the far aisle, thank you.

No worries, alright.
There's a card there.

That's... I'm Kenny, obviously.
Alright.

Just if you need me
or anything.

So, down this way here?
No, the far aisle.

Alright, no worries,
thanks for that.

Gee, look at the size of this.

There's a lot of people here,
isn't there?

You pop your bags
up the top, do you?

Your bags go up the top,
is that right?

This is, uh...
little boy gave me this

just to bring this along
to remember him.

'Best Dad', it says.

It's not a bad award
that one, is it?

I'm, uh... I'm Kenny,
anyway, mate.

How are you going?
There's my card there, actually.

That's my name there.

This your first time on a plane?

No, you fly quite a bit.

Better whack
the old seatbelt on.

I wonder what the fine

for not wearing a seatbelt
on a plane is.

It's 150 bucks in a car,
it'd cost a fortune on a plane.

INTERCOM:
Ladies and gentlemen,

from the flight deck,
a very good morning.

The captain speaking...

This is fun. This is fun.

I wish me boy could be here with me.
He'd love this.

Here we go.

Where does the...the...?

I'm not sure how that plugs in.

It must be...screwed into
the backing plate or something.

( TOILET FLUSHES )

Holy shit!

Hell's bells!

That is just off its tree.

They've won me over with that.

There you go, mate.

Sorry about that.
No worries.

Just watch it in there, mate.

That machine,
once you press that flusher,

that thing'll probably suck your
guts out through your bum.

I don't know, I guess
this'd make sense

if we were going to Hawaii
or something,

but it's supposed to help
with the circulation.

But I don't know how long you're
supposed to do it for,

you know.

If I do it for five minutes,
is that the world record?

Or if I do it for two hours,
is that not enough?

Seems to be a problem
up there with the toilets.

Well, they certainly seem to be
fussing around with it.

I think I've broken the toilet

when I've undone the clips
on the back of it.

I'm gonna have to sort this out.

You right here?

Having trouble here?
Oh, yeah, look, it's fine.

The ground staff in L.A. will
deal with it when we get there.

Oh, that's fine. I've, um...

I actually work
with Splashdown.

We fix toilets. I can have
a look at it for you.

Oh, it's fine. Actually,
we can't let you in there.

Oh, no, no, this is actually what
I do. It's alright, I'll show you.

Yeah, I work with toilets
all the time.

This... There's a clip there

and there's another clip
just in there.

And once you...
( TOILET FLUSHES )

Cheers. (Chuckles)

Well, thanks for doing that.
- Oh, that's alright.

'Cause we're not
usually allowed to...

I mean, that would be...
- Oh, it's what I do.

Kind of what
the business does.

Splashdown.
- Yeah.

Corporate bathroom rentals.
It's alright.

It's nothing too flash
but, you know,

here it is, got me,
it's got me travelling overseas.

In fact, this is my first time
I've ever been on an aeroplane.

(incredulously) No.
Ever.

I'm the first person
out of our whole family

to ever have flown
out of Australia.

And I got a nice little wine here.

Mind you, like I said, I don't
normally drink white wine.

That's actually not too...
- Chardonnay.

What do you usually drink?
- Oh, beer.

Oh, well, yeah, yeah.

I drink beer like it's about to
go out of fashion

and I'm the new trendsetter.

(Laughs)
So I love it.

I'd bath in it,
if I had my own way.

(Laughs)

Is it alright if I have
a bit more of that?

Yeah, absolutely.
- I know it's not beer.

But I'm getting used to it.

Now, if I start to wobble
when the plane's actually still...

INTERCOM:
Ladies and gentlemen,

as we're about to begin
our descent

into Los Angeles AirPort,

would you Please make sure
your tray tables are stowed

and that your safety belts
are fastened.

I didn't know
it was gonna be this cold.

This is freezing. Must be about
five degrees or something.

Oh, thanks. You right?
I can grab that if you want.

Oh, I'll take it.
- It's got a bit of weight in that.

Watch that. So, are you
a real cowboy, are you, mate?

I'm afraid not. To tell you
the truth, I'm from New York.

Oh... I'm Kenny, mate, anyway.
(Laughs) - I'm Bobby.

You're on the wrong side
of the car here.

So, where are you headed?

I'm going to the...
Well, I'm at the poo convention.

Alright.
You know where that is?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do.

Actually, it's been pretty busy
with these gentlemen.

There must be an awful lot
of money in crap, huh?

Yeah, well...

Yeah, well, to be quite honest,
there's a shitload of it.

(Laughs)

You've probably been doing

some business for us
this morning.

I can't get over the size
of this place, Bobby.

There aren't many cowboys
in Nashville.

It's about the music industry.

There's no ranches, there's
no cattle, there's no sheep.

(Laughs) Yeah, right.
(Laughs) - You know?

Look at that city.

MAN ON RADIO: I got
this notice the other day.

Now, down at the Nashville
Convention Centre,

today and for
the next couple of days,

we've got
the world international

Pumper and Cleaner Show.

Now, they've actually
been kind enough

to send us four tickets,

and we'll be taking
your calls soon

and I'm going to give away
these tickets to the People...

Well, mate, Bobby,
I gotta tell you,

you're a real cowboy
to me, mate.

Oh, well, thank you, thank you.
- You're the real deal.

And there's my card too, Bob,

if ever you need to get a hold
of me for whatever reason.

Alright, enjoy, you know,
the shit-flinging convention.

(both laugh)

Thanks, mate. I will.
- Have a good time.

Look after yourself, Bob.
Alright.

See youse, mate.
- Have a good night.

Oh, Jesus.

You see the snow?

That's...quite pretty.

Good on 'em.

( ALARM RINGS )

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

You know, the most
exciting time for me

when I was a kid growing up

was once a year,
Dad would take us

to the Royal Melbourne Show
in the city

to see all the tractors
and the animals and whatnot.

I never thought
I'd feel that way again.

Who was to know
I would end up

in the land of bloody flags
and anthems

at a toilet expo, Poo HQ?

Jesus Christ.

(Chuckles)

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Look at that girl there.

Now, that would be a dream.

(Reads) "Working today
for a cleaner tomorrow."

See, they've even got pride
in their slogans.

And look, they're driving
a Kenworth.

I mean, forget the kids.

If I saw this go on the road,
I'd be impressed.

How you going?
Kenny from Australia.

Good, Larry.
- You're from Australia?

You seen the name?
It's Ameri-Can.

Eh?

So that's all
hydraulically lifted?

It's all hydraulic.

When we get ready
to move the trailer,

we go in and push
a couple of buttons

and that lifts right up.

You could eat
your dinner off that.

(Chuckles) "Scotty's Potties."

MAN: There's also
John's Johns.

There's a company in Australia
called "Henry the Turd".

Henry the Turd?
- Henry the Turd.

Oh, my God.

Have you been downstairs?

Downstairs? Oh, still?

Well, this joint is like
an expo lasagne -

there's layers and layers.

I'm serious.
- Oh, yeah?

So it's the same... Well,
I'm going down there now.

If you want, you can follow me,
it's right underneath us.

Do you wanna follow...?
Yeah, grab your mates.

'Cause I'm walking
down there anyway.

How are you going, mate?

Kenny from Australia.
Hey, mate.

So, what brings you guys here? What
brings you...?

We're having
the World Expo next year,

and just looking for
the luxury toilets for that event.

Oh, OK, like with all the
good taps, all the good basins

and the televisions,
and all that sort of...

Televisions?

Yeah, well, obviously
all the good stuff you want in it.

Whatever you're looking for,
you'll find it here, mate.

They've got everything.
Right.

That's fantastic.

It's on wheels.
Fits in a freight elevator.

You can be taking a...
going to the bathroom,

and the guy can be pissing
in the back.

Oh, look at this.
You can be taking a piss.

While watching the other
guy taking a shit.

(Laughs)
What you doing down there?

You guys have a convention
like this in Australia?

No, mate, we got nothing.
Not like this.

If you're talking about beer,

there's a convention
every afternoon.

(Man laughs)

(Mutters) I see, they've got
a spring that goes into the...

How do they get that
to go in...?

(Crowd chants) Who?!
WOMAN: Why?

(Crowd chants) Why?!

When?!

Why?!

MAN: That was great!

Wow!

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
Robin Crow.

(Plays jangly guitar music)

(Sings) # It's a natural reaction

# Wanting to make
those quantum leaps

# But I'm not afraid
to jump off that ledge

# I'm not afraid
to dive in deep. #

Thank you.

( APPLAUSE )

That was all very impressive,
wasn't it?

Very...very advanced,
I thought, the information.

Very futuristic.

He was talking about
the 'aloominum' pipes,

at one point.

I spent that long
trying to figure out

what 'aloominum' was

that I missed out what the point was of
fixing the pipe,

but some good information there, I
think.

I think I'll be able to use some
of that in dealing with people.

And I got a certificate,

attendance recognition certificate.

It's not bad, is it?

Yes, could I be put through
to room 176, please?

Yeah, Jackie, it's Kenny.

Yeah, good.

Yes.

Yeah, on...on the card?

Yes. (Chuckles)

Yourself?

Oh, fantastic.

How long for?

Yeah, love to!

Yeah, well, I've only just
come into my room

so I've just gotta
spruce meself up

with a bit of cut and polish.

There's a couple of hours
in that!

What's that? On a horse?

Oh, OK. (Chuckles) Yeah.

Alright, well, I'll see you
in...at the Wildhorse.

Well, this is definitely it.

That's the Wildhorse.
I just asked the security bloke.

This all feels a bit... bit silly.

I mean, I've got
nothing to wear.

I didn't know we were
gonna be going out.

This is a dance club
or something.

They do linedancing
or something in there.

And, you know, I...

..I can't help but think
she thinks I'm rich.

You know, she met me
in business class, you know.

She probably thinks I'm loaded.

And it was all because I'm
bloody sitting in Glenn's seat.

I'm filling in for him.

Anyway, I promised
I'd meet her.

(Man sings) # I got my own problems,
baby

# Tell somebody else, baby

# I got my own problems, baby

# Tell somebody else, baby... #

Whoops! Here's our chance.

JACKIE: That's fantastic.

You know that guy
Randy Travis, the singer?

Yeah, yeah, the country singer, yeah.

He started as
a dishwasher here

and his first pay cheque
is in a frame on that wall.

Oh, you're kidding!
Nuh.

Isn't that fantastic?
It's amazing.

And Gorbachev, he was here.

He was a country singer?
- No, he's not a country singer!

Oh, he's the guy
from Russia. I know.

But all sorts of people,
all sorts of country...

If you stay here long enough...
- You get to see them.

It's a different world, isn't it?
It's a different place.

Look at the size of these ribs!
(Laughs) - It's huge!

No wonder they know what
they're doing with their toilets.

Look at the size of that.

They must give their
toilets a flogging over here.

That's why they're experts in it.

I'm sorry - I just realised
I always talk about

working with toilets
and poo and stuff

and it's only because
it's what I do.

No, that's fine.
- I'm used to it.

Don't worry.
Don't worry, it's fine.

I mean, I do the same thing,
you know?

What? You don't...

I do the same thing,
but 30,000 feet up in the air.

You have to clean the toilets?
Yeah.

Really?
Yeah, absolutely.

This guy in first class
had gone to the bathroom,

flushed the toilet,

put the vacuum - I don't know,
for whatever reason -

reverse cycled.

He came out
covered head to toe.

Oh, you're kidding.
No.

( MOBILE PHONE RINGS )
It's alright.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

I mean, if you can't control him from the
lounge room,

how am I supposed to do it
from Nashville, Tennessee?

Yeah, well...
Well, pop him on the phone.

G'day, mate.

It's my boy.

How you doing?

I'm good, mate. I'm fantastic.

And a what?

Yeah, well, you might want
to just hold it there, mate,

'cause that's a fair bit.

I don't know
if I'll fit it on the plane.

We'll have to hire
another plane!

Yeah, and behave yourself,
will you?

Don't... Don't upset
your mum too much.

Alright. Love you, mate.

That's me ex-wife
that rung me up.

She's something else.

She is the chief commissioner
and senior sergeant

of the fun police.

She's here to outlaw fun altogether.
There's your pad.

Thanks for that.
- Thank you.

Every time, every time
without fail

that I'm having a good time,
or I'm enjoying myself,

or I'm not at work
and I'm just calming down,

or like I'm here, she rings.

Well, glad you're having
a good time.

I am having a good time.
- Yeah.

Don't say that out loud
'cause she'll ring again.

(Laughs)
She knows.

Now, I've got a small confession to
make.

Oh, really?

Yeah, a bit of an apology
or a confession.

I'd never been on an aeroplane
or seen the toilets on them

so I wanted to know
how it worked.

So I pulled the lid
off the back of it

and I left one of the clips off.

Are you serious?

And I didn't put
the thing back on.

(Laughs)
So, sorry.

It's working now, isn't it?

I got it fixed, didn't I?
- Yeah, it's fine, it's fine.

Anyway, let's not...
- Oh, God.

It works now. You should eat.
- Yeah, I will.

Before your meal gets warm,

and I should
before mine gets cold.

Look at the size of this thing.

No wonder there's no longer
dinosaurs on the earth.

They've killed the last one.
Here it is on me plate!

There you go, Jackie.
Watch the gutter there.

Watch your step. You right?
- Oh, thanks, Kenny.

Just watch it there, Jackie.
- Thank you.

Don't slip over. I'd hate that.
- Ooh!

Alright, well,
I'll see you later, then.

Oh, thanks. Hey, listen, do you
want a lift? It's pouring rain.

No, it's fine, I'm only just...
- I'll take you somewhere.

No, I'm only a couple of blocks
from here.

I don't mind walking.

Are you sure?
- Yeah, I love the rain.

I honestly do.
- You're crazy.

(Laughs) I'll see you later.
- Hey, listen.

You know, I've got
tomorrow off

so maybe I could help you
shop for your son.

Yeah.
- I could show you Nashville.

Alright, well,
I've got a deal for you.

You show me round Nashville

and I'll show you
round the expo

so you can see
what I do for a job.

OK, that's a good deal.
- Wanna do that?

I'd love to.
- Oh, that'd be great.

Well, we'll meet, say,
9:30 at the front, yeah?

Yep, 9:30 at the front.
- Alright.

OK.
- That's perfect.

Put your belt on. You'll get
yourself in trouble. You right?

She's a nice girl, isn't she?

Looks like I'm gonna have
half a day off!

Which would be good.

Good on her.

(Laughs incredulously)

Good on her.

You know, it must be
very difficult for Jackie

to do a job like she does,

you know,
flying around in the air

in a tube full of strangers,

lob in countries
with people you don't know.

You know, it sounds very glamorous
but I'm sure it's not.

You know, and even I've found
since I've been over here

that you see things that
make about as much sense

as a nun at a rock concert,
you know.

And sometimes you just want to turn to
someone from home

and say, "Did you understand
what he's talking about?"

I mean, has someone
rung the Queen

and let her know what they're doing
with her language?

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together
for the next bullfighter!

This is the way we do it
in Nashville, Tennessee...

There you go.
- Ooh. Look at this guy.

..show up, drink shots
and have fun.

Hey.

I reckon I know
who that guy is.

Serious. I met him yesterday.

Like, he's not a mate.

I met him.
He's a Japanese businessman.

MAN: Go, boy! Hee-hoo!

You would not get me
on that thing

for all the money in China.

Or Japan.

MAN: 20! Whoa! Whoa, there!

(Laughs)

Mate, you looked fantastic in there. That
was a pretty big fall.

You looked like
the bloody Sushi Cowboy

up there on the bull.

(Laughs) Sushi Cowboy.
- Sushi Cowboy.

It's not that great, man.

Where's all your mates?
Where's all your buddies?

Oh, they're at Hooters,
you know, with the big, big...

Oh, hello. Bing bong.
Yes.

But you guys go ahead, so...

I go back to the hotel.

Oh, there's no need for you
to go back to the hotel, mate.

Don't let a bloody sore leg and
a bad back stand in the way

of a good night.

You can stay with us, if
you want. We've got no plans.

What do you want to do?

MAN: Give it up for
the Sushi Cowboy!

(Sings) # I...

# Once was lost... #

# I'm found

# I once was blind

# But now I see... #

( CHEERING )

Hello, Nashville!
MAN: Sushi Cowboy!

( CHEERING AND APPLAUSE )

He's had a pretty big night,
hasn't he?

He sure has.
His bull-riding days are over.

(Laughs)

What time do you fly out tomorrow?

3:30.

Oh, OK, so pretty early.
Yeah.

Sorry, I'll get your lift.

Well, thanks
for inviting me out tonight.

I had a ball, Jackie, I real...

Did you?
- I honestly did. I did.

Oh, good. I'm glad you came.
It was fun.

Yeah, so am I. Here's your lift.
- Oh, thanks.

Well, um, do you want to
go up to the bar?

I...
A drink or something?

I'd love to, Jackie,
but I really should...

I mean, the bar's open
for another hour.

Yeah, I would,
but the meter's running

and I better get the Sushi Cowboy back
home safe.

He's off with the fairies, so...
- OK.

But, look, tomorrow,
if you're free tomorrow,

I'd love to see you
before you go.

That would be great.

Have a coffee
at the bar at midday?

I'd love that.

That'd be really fun.
- Well, I'll come back tomorrow.

OK.
Yeah? Just watch out.

That lift is gonna snap you like
a twig if it closes on your chest.

OK.

You're right to get
to your room?

Yeah.
- Alright.

Well, thanks for a good night.
I had fun.

OK. 'Night.
- Alright. Take care, Jackie.

'Bye, Kenny.
- See you. 'Bye.

(Both laugh)

Yeah, mate, that goes into
Ned Kelly's helmet there.

Right.
- Oh. Right, I see.

There you go. You're in now.
Good.

Thanks for a great night, mate.
- Thank you very much.

I'm really sorry
to mess up the night.

No, you didn't mess it up.
- You and your lady.

I'm sorry.
- No, it's all good.

But I had a good time.

Thank you.
- Me too. See you at the expo.

Maybe tomorrow morning... (Coughs)

..tomorrow morning
you could show me

where the TV toilets are.

Oh, I don't know
if they've got any here.

Well, I mentioned them
because we make them.

You make them?
- Yeah.

Oh, really?
- Fair dinkum.

Yeah, Glenn, it's me.

Yeah, look, I've gotta be quick.

I'm in a meeting with
some Japanese gentlemen

that I've met here at the expo

and what they wanted to do
is get a quote

on buying some of our
20-foot combo units,

the VIP 20-foot blocks
with the televisions in them.

But they want a price on them
really quickly

to buy about six or seven units,

as in the full blocks.

Yep. Hang on a sec, Glenn.

67.
- What?

It's not "six or seven",
it's sixty-seven.

Sixty-sev... You're shitting me,
aren't you?

No, serious. - 67...
- 67 full 20-foot blocks?

Units.
Units.

They want 67 of them.

No, he's as serious
as a heart attack.

No, I'm here with him now.

Also, we'd like to get a price.
- A price.

In one hour.
- One hour. In an hour.

No, he's fair dinkum.

Yeah, 67 units, but we need
the price in an hour.

And Mr Sato is coming.
- Yeah, I know.

I know I called him, you know,
a freaked-out bastard,

but he's a bastard
to me only, not to you.

Right.

See? So just
speak to him directly.

Right, talk to him.
- Into his eyes.

OK.
- You talk to him.

And I will translate because
he doesn't speak any English.

He doesn't speak any English?
- No, no, no.

So just speak to him
and I'll translate.

Oh, you'll translate.
I know what you're saying.

Be yourself.
- Yeah, I will.

( MOBILE PHONE RINGS )
Hang on a tick.

Answer this.
- Yeah, I will, yeah.

This could be Glenn now.
- Oh, yeah, check the price.

Yeah, I will, absolutely.
Hello? Glenn?

Sorry, Takashi.

I can't hear you, mate.
Speak up.

Oh, g'day, mate. Yeah, good.

Look, Dave,
I can't talk now, mate.

I'm in the mid... Yeah, hang on,
I'm in the middle of a... Yep.

When did that happen?

Yeah.

Well, is he...? Are you
with him now? Is he alright?

Right.

Well, what do the doctors say?
What do...?

Well, yeah, hang on, don't...

Well, can you ring me
straight back

when you've spoken
to the doctors?

Yeah. Alright, yeah,
but ring me back so I... Yeah.

Everything's alright. Take care of your
dad, you know.

Yeah.
- I'll speak with Glenn.

Yeah, you can speak to him?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm so sorry, mate.
- That's... That's alright.

Alright, mate, well,
I'll speak to you

when I get back to Australia.

Right.
- Alright, thank you.

See you, mate.

Better get my belt on. See you!

Just to the airport, mate.

The international.

Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be
meeting her at the bar.

Well, she's an airline steward

so she'll be dressed
in a uniform.

Well... Yeah, well, I actually don't know
her surname.

My father's very ill, so l...
Actually, don't tell her that,

Just tell her I'm really,
really sorry that I can't make it.

MAN: He's stable.
His obs are looking good.

The doctor should be in to talk
to you in a bit, but he's, um...

See, he's medicated
at the moment

and obviously exhausted

but he's not in any pain.

He's on a list for an operation
on Tuesday morning.

OK.
- So you can come back in...

When I rang the hospital

they said it was
a bleeding ulcer or something.

And so that's all it is?

If you're gonna talk about me,
at least talk to me.

I'm awake.
I'm not bloody dead, you know.

How are you, mate?
- Oh, how do you reckon I am?

Stuck in this shithole.

Where...?
Where have you been?

I got here as soon as I could.

I've come straight
from the airport.

Am I in your way here?
- No.

Ah. I mean, 70 years of age,
and wouldn't you know,

these pretty little things
like this girl here walking round

and I've been saddled
with Daisy here.

Bloody tailgater.

He's a nurse, Dad.

You haven't used your pan.
- I don't intend to use it, either.

There's no way known
I'm gonna use that.

You can shove it up your own arse. I'm
not putting it up mine.

Before you get
discharged tomorrow,

before your operation,

we need a stool to test
whether or not there's blood.

I'll give you one.
I'll give you a sample.

I'll give you one there

that Jack O'Toole
wouldn't chop through,

but I'm not doing it in that.

It's really quite simple.
See this?

Might be simple for you.
- See that?

It'd be like trying to put
marshmallow into a moneybox.

Now, I'm not gonna use it.
I'm telling you, son!

Alright, well, is it... is he OK
to go to the toilet if I take him?

Uh, if he would rather do that,

then, yeah, sure,
I can organise that.

But it's...
I need the stool in this tray.

OK. Alright.
I'll be back in a bit.

Nightmare, this.
- Yeah, well, it's not...

Don't be having a go at him.
He's the one looking after you.

Yeah, he's the one.
I'd rather HER look after me.

Yeah, well, it doesn't...
Look at her. Jesus Christ!

He wants me to bend over
in front of him.

Have you seen him?

It's not that he wants to see
your backside or something.

They need to get your stool sample,
your poo sample.

Christ Almighty,
I'm too old for this shit.

Bloody whinge.
That's all I get all day.

Whinge, whinge, whinge.
- Yeah.

Oh, get back on your camel.

Is that that bloody bastard
going again over there?

(Groans)
Must have disorder, mate.

Alright, you br... ba... bananas

or whatever you're
bloody talking about.

Dad. Dad.
- What?

This is not the place for it, Dad.
It's a hospital.

Now, keep your voice down.
They're sick too, alright?

Keep my voice down.
- Yeah, well, don't...

Supposed to be a bloody farmer. He's
got about 17 kids.

He hasn't had too much time picking
tomatoes,

I can tell you that.

Dad, they're sick too, so have
a bit of respect, alright?

Yeah, alright.
- Just a bit of respect.

Get all the nurses
and we'll move all this.

Bloody tubes up me nose
and up me arse.

Now they want bloody stools.

A man hasn't had
anything to eat.

I'm as thin as a bloody rake.

You can smell the shit
through me ribs.

They should take
a sample there.

Nurse, that's the sample
for Mr Smyth.

Right. Great, thanks.
Alright, thanks.

You can't get this
medication for him.

He's got to get it himself.

He's gotta get it himself? OK.
- Yeah, it's very important.

That's not... not today.
I want to go today.

No tomorrow.
Forget tomorrow. Today!

No, we've gotta leave you here
on all the gear for the night

to keep a monitor on you,

and then the operation
is next week.

The operation is next week?
What operation?

They've got you on
a schedule next week.

The operation on
your bloody stomach!

No operation.

I'm not having an operation,
especially not in here.

You only hear about
the success rate, son,

you don't hear
about their failures,

about people getting crook
a week after an operation,

them opening them up
when it's too late

and they've got
a bloody cutlery set

or scissors inside them

that are left inside them
by people that are incompetent.

Dad, you've gotta have
the operation.

If you don't have the operation,

there really will be
some trouble.

Dad, you have to have
the operation.

You can't say no to that.

Oh, we'll worry about that
when it's supposed to happen,

but today,
I'm going out today, son.

No, well, Dad,
you can't go out today,

but, look, you've only got
one more night here

and, uh...and
we'll get you out of here

and I'll come back tomorrow
and I'll pick you up...

Wait on, wait on,
where are you going, boy?

Don't... You're not going.

Christ, you're not going. You...

And as far as me going home to my
place or your place

or anyone's, that's not on.

I want you to ring your brother
and ring him now.

There's a couple of things we've gotta
sort out

in our family
before I shuffle off.

I'm telling you now. But don't
you leave me in here to rot.

Alright, Dad.
- Leave me in a place like this.

You may as well leave me
in the bloody morgue.

They'll carry me
out of here feet first

if you leave me in here.

Alright.

Wouldn't do that to a dog,
let alone your father.

I'll go and ring him now.
- Go and ring him now.

I'll be back.
- You make sure you come back.

Make sure of it.
- I will, Dad.

Don't leave me here.
- I won't. I'll be back.

DAD: Jesus Christ.
This is bloody ridiculous.

Why didn't we bring your car
instead of this bloody thing.

I'm jammed in here
as tight as a fish's arse.

Well, Dad, the toilet
wasn't gonna fit in my car,

and it sure as hell wasn't
gonna fit in Dave's Mercedes.

I was only thinking of you.

I brought the truck so
I could bring you a real toilet,

so you didn't have to dig a hole
to have a shit.

Now, see? That makes
no sense whatsoever.

You'll know the front
from the back.

The front will have
a door in it, you dickhead.

Next time youse come up with
an idea like this,

give me a bit of notice
so I can slash me wrists.

Just relax.
Alright. I'll tell you what.

All I want from you pair of
buffalo-headed bastards

on this trip

is for us to see
the sun come up,

and be there when the sun goes down.

In between times,
please yourself,

but keep out of my bloody hair.

But just get that up
so a man can have

somewhere to doss off tonight,
for Christ's sake.

It'll be up any second, Dad.

DAVE: He's asleep, isn't he?

Uh...yeah.

Look at him.
- He looks peaceful.

He looks terrifying.
- No, he doesn't.

He looks peaceful.

Oh, get out. Jesus.

Absolute fuckin' frog shit,
and you know it.

I mean, the bastard's not gonna die.

Jesus Christ.
He's gonna outlive both of us.

He's like a rhino.

Is this really that tough
for you, is it, Dave -

spending, you know,
one night together,

just you, me and Dad?

What? You want to wait
until he actually is dying?

Or until he's dead
and can't do this?

And you know damn well
why we've come out here.

You know damn well. This is
where he used to bring Mum.

( HARMONICA MUSIC )

Mum's been dead
a long time now,

but, look, a death in the family

has different effects
on different people.

For some families,
it brings them closer together.

But for other families,
you know, like our circus,

it's Christmas cards
at 20 paces.

DAD: While I've got
you two fellas here,

I want to talk to you
about something.

When I cark it,
I don't want any flash funeral.

Something nice and simple -
get on with it.

If either of you two blokes
want to say a couple of words,

well, that's up to you.

You can sort that out
after I've gone.

Just get it over with.

Tell 'em to light up
the Bunsen burner

and push her into the oven
and get her going.

And for Christ's sake,
one other thing.

Don't let your Uncle Terry
get involved,

because he'll balls it up,

like he did at
your grandmother's funeral.

So keep him
right out of it altogether.

( CAR HORN HONKS,
MAN YELLS )

What the bloody hell is it?
DAD: I don't know.

Could be a bloody
bunch of hoons

spotlight shooting out there.

For Christ's sake.

( CAR HORN HONKS )

MAN: Where the hell are you?

Jesus. What the bloody hell
would that be doing here?

It's for me. I'll see you guys
later. I've had a gutful of this.

What's up with him?
- I have no idea.

Jesus, Al,
what took you so long?

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

I couldn't find you.

Well, I'll be buggered.

Well, you know
what they say, son.

It's an old saying.

"The chef always ruins
his first batch of scones."

And there goes
my first burnt offering there.

He's as useless
as tits on a bull.

Maybe he had to
go back to work

for an important meeting or...

Kenny, you've gotta
stop doing that, boy.

The trouble is with you, son,

you've been...walking
in his shadow for so long.

Don't you realise,
if you take a step to the side,

you'll cast a shadow
of your own?

Let some other bastard
walk in yours for a change.

Wake up to yourself,
for Christ's sake.

I'm going to bed.

Dad?

Yeah, what is it?

I've... I've been offered
a promotion.

You've been offered a what?
- A promotion.

Glenn said he was
impressed with

the sale I did to
the Japanese in America,

and he's asked me to
run the office in Sydney.

Well, that's good.

When do you kick off?
When do you start her?

Oh, I haven't said yes yet.
I'm trying to make my mind up.

What do you mean?
Why haven't you said yes yet?

Well, you know,
I've gotta decide

whether I want to be
off the road, you know,

and I've been working
with the crew in Melbourne

for a long while, Dad.

Yeah, but what do you
want to do?

Do you want to be
a crap crawler all your life?

This is your chance for you
to get out of the shit.

But I don't know if
I'm cut out for just a desk job.

Well, you'll never know
until you give it a try.

Don't you realise in this world

that people don't look up to you
until you're sitting down?

Take the desk job.

I actually don't want to be
away from the boy, Dad.

I don't want to be
away from Jesse.

I know you've got Jesse.

Of course I know
you've got Jesse.

And you've got a great relationship with
him too.

But do you think when he's 16

he'll want you to be driving him
to school in the crap cart?

You're gonna do
your same old caper, are you?

Take a backward step and let everyone
stand all over you?

I just need a bit of time
to think about it.

Glenn doesn't want an answer
for a few days yet.

So I've just gotta get
through the Melbourne Cup,

and once I've survived that...

Survive the Melbourne Cup.

The Melbourne Cup's
been survived for 200 years.

But, anyway,
you run your own race.

Just put that bloody light off,
will you?

I've gotta get a bit of sleep.

Goodnight, Dad.
- Goodnight, son.

( CAR HORN HONKS )
What's going on here?

Just hang on a sec.

G'day, mate.
- Hello.

You're up early. How are you?
- Good.

Didn't expect to see you.

Just go and sit up on the fork.

G'day.

What are you doing here?
- I'm a bit early.

A bit early? You're four days early. I
said Saturday.

This has been organised
for a month, Kenny.

Today is Melbourne Cup.

You can't leave him...you can't leave
him with me today.

I can't...
You wrote it down.

Didn't you write it down,
for God's sake?

I wrote down 'Saturday'.
- You wrote down 'Saturday'?

WOMAN: You're an arsehole, Kenny.

Oh, g'day, Julie. How's Bill?

None of your bloody business.
- Fair enough.

Kenny, you're having him.

This is unbelievable.

Wave goodbye
to your mother and Julie.

You right?
- Yeah.

Good to see you, mate.

I wasn't expecting
to see you today.

Well, as you know,
today is, without a doubt,

the busiest day
on our calendar.

And, unfortunately,
this year we're two men down.

So, we've got 116 units
here today,

and today there's gonna be
over 150-odd thousand people

crammed in here.

So, today, I'm gonna have to
ask for 273% out of youse.

But we're gonna get
flogged today.

We're gonna be busier than

a one-armed bricklayer
in Baghdad.

We're gonna have to
make sure we all put in.

There you go.
Now you're one of the team.

Two rolls, mate. Excellent.

They haven't given us
much room

to turn around, have they?

No.

You alright, Jess?
Thanks, mate.

Is he coming up there?

No, mate,
he's going out the back now.

He's gotta do one more unit.

We'll call that one done, mate.

What do you say?
It looks alright, doesn't it?

If you grab that trolley...

Really and truly, have you got
this child here cleaning toilets?

Oh, no, he's not any kid.
That's my son.

YOUNG WOMAN: What's he doing
cleaning toilets?

This is no place
for a child to be around

the toilets
at a public racecourse.

It's a disgrace.
- I'm sorry you feel like that.

He should not have... What
sort of diseases could he get?

That's disgusting.
Sorry you feel that way.

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

You right, mate?
Grab it from the handle, mate.

But I want to stay with you.

I know that, mate.
I'd love to have you with me.

But we might get
a few less complaints that way.

I might just get you...

Look, you'll be right here.
Look, prop yourself up here.

Here's... Open these up.

And, I don't know, make a little
poo ticket castle or something.

Hayley will give you a pen or something
to draw with, right?

I won't be long, mate.
I won't be a tick.

( MOBILE PHONE RINGS )

Hello?

Oh, g'day, Dad. What's wrong?

Well, you don't have
to worry about what it's...

It's not gonna feel
like anything.

You're gonna be asleep.

I've told you a hundred times, it's a
simple op.

What, do you reckon they get you to
handle the instruments?

You're asleep during
the whole thing, Dad.

What's wrong?

Well, we've got a ruptured hose
at the back of this unit...

Yeah.

..and a lot of piss
coming out of it.

We've got people
walking through it.

Well, just cut the hose beside it
so that water's coming out.

People won't know
the difference.

But these are $100 shoes.

I nearly fell over and
I've ruined my shoes.

Well, they seem to be
alright now, love.

( WIND HOWLS, RAIN POURS )

This is not good.

Pump out the poo!

You're right, Thommo.

G'day, mate.

Where's Jesse?

HAYLEY: He went after you.

What do you mean
he went after me?

He said he knew
where you were.

He was going to meet you.

He's what?
- Gone to meet you for lunch.

He hasn't gone looking
for me out there?

Yeah, he went to meet you.

Hayley, there's 120,000 people.
He was supposed to stay here.

Um... Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Yes... Oh...

Dad, I haven't got time...

Of course they're gonna come and give
you a needle.

That's how they
put you to sleep.

Did you think
they were gonna read you

a bloody bedtime story?

Will you shut up
and listen to me?

I have to go. I've lost the
little boy. No, I'll explain later.

He can't be down there.

This is madness.

I don't know how I'm gonna find him in
all this.

I mean, look at it.
And this joint is enormous.

And I don't know... There's a...

He can't have gone in there.
He hasn't got a...

Well, I hope he hasn't gone
in there. He hasn't got a pass.

( THUD! )
Oh, Jesus Christ!

Jeez, mate, are you alright?
- He's right. Get up.

Mate, are you alright?
- Yeah, he's alright. Don't worry.

He's alright?
- Yeah.

Are you sure he's alright?
- Get up.

You're embarrassing me.
Them girls will be here shortly.

Oh...

You haven't seen a kid,
have you? A small boy?

Haven't seen a little boy,
have you? A little kid? No?

Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me. Oh, God.

Oh, there he is.
There he is, there.

Where was he?
Where did you find him?

The boys found him
down near the toilets.

Oh, you were down at the toilet?
You're a smart boy.

I didn't even think
of looking there.

I should've known, shouldn't I?

I've got you back
and I won't lose you again, eh?

JESSE: Mmm.

I was worried, mate, eh?

( LAUGHTER )

Stay asleep. You're right.

( WOMEN TALK
INDISTINCTLY )

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

Oh...

(Woman cheers)

It's open! Come on! Come on!

You know, when people look
embarrassed or ashamed

at what I do,

I don't try
and convince them otherwise.

I don't try and beautify
the job that I do

or make it sound better.

I mean, if they've got
a problem with what I do

then it's their problem.

They've got the problem,
not me.

I was drunk at a party once,

and I don't normally
snap at people,

but I had a woman say to me
when I told her what I did,

she said, "How disgusting!

"I don't want to hear
about that."

And I said, "Well, how about
you go out in protest

"and never have a crap again, lady, see
how long you last."

Hey, matey. Don't park.
I'm just about to pull out, mate.

You're not gonna
park here, are you?

I'll just be a minute.

Just gonna be a minute.

Well, he would've come out
of surgery about an hour ago.

Yes, Smyth. S-M-Y-T-H.

Dad? How are you?

Yeah, how you feeling?

I don't think I've ever thought
about doing another job.

Plumbing is all I've ever known.

You know, I'd love to have
flown an aeroplane,

I'd love to... I don't know,
write great music,

but I guess, they're
like everyone, they're dreams,

but I don't think I've ever been
envious of anyone else

'cause this is the life I've got.

Alright, well, I'll see you
in the morning, OK?

First thing.

Alright. I love you, Dad. Yep.

Yeah, I know. Alright, well,
I'll see you in the morning.

OK. 'Bye.

Hey, mate.

Do you want to
move your car now?

Yeah, mate, I said I'd move it.
It's alright.

Can we move it now?
- No, we can do it later.

I want to get going home, mate.

Relax. Alright? Relax.

I said I wouldn't be long, alright?

No, well, can you move it now?

No, don't worry about it. Alright?

It's alright. I told you.

I told you I'll be out, alright?
Relax, alright? No worries.

Let it go.

No, you're absolutely right.

Sorry, I've had a bit of
a bad day. You take your time.

No worries.

He's, uh... he's absolutely right.

Just, uh... relax and let it go.

Let it go.

(Cranks pump)

(Sings) # Australians all
let us ring Joyce

# For she is young and free... #

Oh... hello.

Relaxing and, uh... Ietting it go.

Yeah, no worries. Alright.

Shall we say 1,500 people?

Or 1,400? 1,500's fine, yeah.

And are you serving any food?

Is there any curries
or spicy foods or...?

Hey, mate, can you...

Can I call you back
in 15 minutes?

Yeah, that'd be great. Sorry.

Yeah, thanks.
Alright, mate. Thanks.

( 'TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS' PLAYS )

This is all the latest thing, this.

I've been told by a few mates
whether I've seen these things.

It's all computerised
and everything.

Abracadabra,
have a look at that!

This is... This is exciting.

I know this sounds a bit crazy,

but I've been looking
forward to this.

Have a look at this.
That's like a ride at the show.

You're kidding me.
Look at this.

All the poo tickets come out
like a fax machine.

Look at that.
Water. Hand-dryer.

That's all automated.

This is fant...
I've gotta have a go at this.

I'll, um... I'll shut the door
shut now, so I'll, uh...

( MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS )
Music! Gee, you're kidding me.

Space-age technology.

It's made its way
into everything.

Good luck, mate.
Yep.

Mention my name,
you'll get a good seat.

There you go.
That's the future, eh?

You know, I've often wondered
how different my life would be

if shit didn't stink.

You know, if it smelt nice

Iike flowers or potpourri,
you know?

You know, imagine,
then you'd be able to go

to someone's house

and say, "I'd like
to use your crapper."

And they'd be like,
"Oh, fantastic.

"Last time you were over here,
oooh, sensational!

"What was that smell, Ken?
Lavender?"

But it's... it's not gonna happen

'cause it doesn't
smell like lavender,

it smells like shit.

That's exactly
what it smells like.

And I have a feeling it's always
gonna smell like that.