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Next thing we know, my friend Tamsin realises she's late for the school run,
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screeches off, clips him with the front wheel of her new car.
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On the plus side, it is a Prius, so this accident's had a small carbon footprint.
4
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OK. And, and, and how was he at this point?
5
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Oh, really shocked! Really shaky.
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So I gave him three drops of Rescue Remedy and a Pulsatilla.
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- Pulsatilla?
- Well, anyway, then he started having these fits.
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It was terrible. I thought his head was going to fall off.
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Well, I immediately thought, Thuja occidentalis.
10
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- Thuja?
- You don't think Thuja?
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I don't think Thuja's going to stop a cat's head falling off, no.
12
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No! No! Silly Dorcas!
13
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No, you'd need a snake venom for that.
14
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Well, anyway, things got much, much worse
15
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and he started foaming at the mouth
16
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and making a rattling noise, a bit like this.
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A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! A-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!
18
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Yeah. That last one's definitely a signal.
19
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Um...it's very clear from looking at, um...
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Mosley.
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Mosley. That, um...he's very poorly, isn't he?
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Not a lot of quality of life there, is there?
23
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Oh, God, no!
24
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No. Poor thing. So, um...I think it's time you, you said goodbye.
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Oh! Well, is there anything we can do?
26
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There really isn't. Not, not when the head has gone.
27
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It's hard to put it in lay speak, but, um...
28
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- Australian bush tincture?
- No.
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- I hear Arnica's very good.
- It is, yes, for a small bruise.
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But as I say, he's, um...
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- Oh. Poor thing.
- I know.
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Listen, there's two injections. One is a very small injection, it's the muscle relaxant,
33
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and then the next is a slightly larger needle that's going to put him to sleep. OK?
34
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OK. He's not going to feel it, I promise.
35
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(There you go.)
36
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- I've changed my mind!
- Sorry?
37
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I've changed my mind. I'd like to take him home.
38
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- I've given the muscle relaxant.
- I'll take him home relaxed.
39
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When we vets say relaxed, what we really mean is permanently...relaxed.
40
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Well, he only likes to sit on the sofa.
41
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- The thing is...
- No, no. I could take him to work with me.
42
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- He'd like that!
- You're not listening to me.
43
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- I could pop him under the desk...
- Your cat is essentially a windsock!
44
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I'll sort it for you, I promise.
45
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It's the least you can do, given the mess you've made.
46
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You've killed Mosley!
47
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Um...
48
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- Oh, God!
- You've killed...!
49
00:02:57,362 --> 00:03:01,042
Slight communication issue with Mrs Waterson, Daniel. Um...
50
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I thought she'd never shut up.
51
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I need her cat cremated by 5.00 tomorrow, if that's OK?
52
00:03:04,922 --> 00:03:06,242
- All right, but...
- No buts.
53
00:03:06,242 --> 00:03:08,802
No buts, Daniel. And I'm the head vet, remember?
54
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That means I get the glory animals.
55
00:03:10,962 --> 00:03:15,522
Cats, dogs, a unicorn that needs worming. I'll take that.
56
00:03:15,522 --> 00:03:16,922
And that means you get...
57
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Anything that smells, anything that's old or looks violent.
58
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- Yeah. And?
- I do the nuking.
59
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(It's cremating, Daniel.
60
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(We cremate our clients' beloved pets.
61
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(OK. What did I tell you?)
62
00:03:29,762 --> 00:03:31,842
Er...when you're having sex with a lady,
63
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it's polite to work from front to back.
64
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(About cremating, Daniel.)
65
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Oh. Um...don't cut corners by using gravy granules.
66
00:03:39,722 --> 00:03:42,442
- Yep.
- Don't play Light My Fire in reception,
67
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don't bellow the phrase, "Time to crisp up kitty",
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in front of the owner.
69
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(That last bit's very important. Yeah.)
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- So...tomorrow.
- Yep.
71
00:03:52,242 --> 00:03:54,122
- June 14th.
- Yes, it is.
72
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Battle of Naseby.
73
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We're recreating it in the park and I get to be Sir Thomas Fairfax.
74
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Yeah. It's brilliant. I've managed to get a real sword, too. Don't ask.
75
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Which is great cos I'm up against that little turd Simon who works in the Co-op.
76
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Remember him? I told you about him,
77
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he got me in a neck lock when we did the Battle of Stamford Bridge.
78
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He was going like that! So this is payback, I'm telling you.
79
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- I wrote it down in the diary, anyway. Look.
- Great.
80
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- Oh, what else is in the diary tomorrow?
- Yeah.
81
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- Yeah, your birthday.
- Yeah!
82
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# Happy birthday to you... #
83
00:04:24,602 --> 00:04:26,442
Oh, that's not necessary.
84
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# Happy birthday to you
85
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# Happy birthday, cat killer... #
86
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I honestly did not kill that cat.
87
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# Happy birthday, she killed a cat. #
88
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Hi. It's me. Are you all right?
89
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Am I interrupting anything?
90
00:04:52,482 --> 00:04:55,042
Oh, great! No, that's great. OK.
91
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Sorry, it's just a really bad line. Yeah.
92
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Better now. I'm so sorry I haven't called. I've been away working.
93
00:05:04,842 --> 00:05:07,842
Just on an executive conference, you know.
94
00:05:07,842 --> 00:05:09,882
Really, really dull. Yeah.
95
00:05:09,882 --> 00:05:12,562
Remember that night you made me go cross-eyed?
96
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Quite, quite keen to repeat that.
97
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Well, why don't you come by?
98
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There's a key under the mat because I lock myself out.
99
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- Hello?
- DOG BARKS
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Fredo, off! Fredo, off!
101
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- Hi.
- Hi!
102
00:05:34,322 --> 00:05:37,202
- He's going nuts. What you got in there?
- Pork chops.
103
00:05:37,202 --> 00:05:41,962
Um....very nervous flyer, so I like to keep them in my hand luggage
104
00:05:41,962 --> 00:05:44,642
like a...lucky charm. Do you want a drink?
105
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Just water. Thirsty after the gig.
106
00:05:47,242 --> 00:05:49,042
Right. Who was playing?
107
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Um...I dunno. Someone Scandinavian.
108
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They totally broke it up, though. So cool.
109
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It was kind of a mixture between Norwegian post-rock
110
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and kind of Swedish ambient.
111
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But mellow, folky, just chilled.
112
00:06:05,162 --> 00:06:07,962
Oh, they were totally deck.
113
00:06:07,962 --> 00:06:11,562
Um...yeah, that sounds, er...really deck.
114
00:06:11,562 --> 00:06:14,922
Um...would you like a yoghurt?
115
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Um...go on. Have a yoghurt.
116
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I'm definitely in the mood for, um...yoghurt.
117
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No, thank you.
118
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I tell you what I'm going to do, just leave a couple of multipacks here, just, um...
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in case you feel the calcium burn. Stop it!
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DOG SNARLS
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DOG BARKS
122
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We had a plan, right?
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I'm very keen to stick to that plan.
124
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PHONE: 'Please leave your message after the tone.
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'Happy birthday, Sara! Are you there?
126
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'We've had our own share of excitement today.'
127
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It's work. Sorry. I won't be long.
128
00:06:51,442 --> 00:06:55,162
'We got an email this morning from a lovely Nigerian
129
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'saying we've won the Lottery in Lagos
130
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'and all we had to do was send an admin fee of �250.
131
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'You know I'm a stickler for paperwork.
132
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'I just posted that cheque.
133
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'So we've sorted it first thing this morning.'
134
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Hi, Mum.
135
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'Oh, you are there. Hello, darling. Happy birthday.
136
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Happy birthday, love.
137
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- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
138
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So, 40. Oh, gosh, I remember when you were a baby.
139
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- 'Such a long time ago.'
- Isn't it!
140
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You had a sticking-out ear
141
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and I was worried it was going to stay that way.
142
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It did stay that way, but I've got hair now, so it's partially hidden.
143
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'I don't like to think of you on your own.'
144
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- I worry, don't I, Donald?
- She worries, yes.
145
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I don't like to think of you alone.
146
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Um...actually, I have, um... met someone.
147
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I won't pry, but what's their name?
148
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Um...Chell. Um...he's a French person
149
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and he's a salesman for a medical company.
150
00:07:51,882 --> 00:07:54,482
Oh, yes. And what sort of things does he sell?
151
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Legs. Um...mainly legs.
152
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Artificial legs.
153
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Oh, well, that's useful, isn't it?
154
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- Very, yeah.
- Everyone needs legs.
155
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Yep, don't they!
156
00:08:06,122 --> 00:08:08,402
Listen, your dad and I were thinking of coming down
157
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because it's been a long time since we visited.
158
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And there's a restaurant I want to take you to.
159
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They tell you the name of the specific cow you're eating
160
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and they show you a video
161
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of highlights from its life while you're tucking in.
162
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So maybe all four of us could go there.
163
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Four? Oh, yeah. That would be great.
164
00:08:26,922 --> 00:08:30,522
Well, what about the weekend of the 23rd?
165
00:08:30,522 --> 00:08:34,282
Oh, no, we can't do that because he's...
166
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away at a withered-limb conference.
167
00:08:36,322 --> 00:08:39,082
Ah. Well, um...a week later?
168
00:08:39,082 --> 00:08:42,362
No. I'm just looking now. No good. He's playing petanque.
169
00:08:42,362 --> 00:08:44,922
A week after that? That's six weeks from now.
170
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You can't be booked up that far in advance.
171
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That's fine. I'll put it in.
172
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All right, the 6th. Don't forget.
173
00:08:52,002 --> 00:08:53,722
No, I won't forget.
174
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- Have a lovely birthday.
- Mm-hm.
175
00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:59,522
Ooo! Pamela told me about the latest scam in the city.
176
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These Yardies flash their headlights at you
177
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and if you flash back, they come and kill you.
178
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- I'll bear that in mind.
- Please do.
179
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- All right, darling. Bye.
- Bye, Mum.
180
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A-hem!
181
00:09:13,322 --> 00:09:17,522
Sorry, I didn't mean to listen, but it was kind of blaring.
182
00:09:18,562 --> 00:09:21,882
Why did you tell her you had a boyfriend?
183
00:09:21,882 --> 00:09:24,882
And 40? You said 32.
184
00:09:24,882 --> 00:09:27,202
- I never thought you'd believe me.
- I should have known.
185
00:09:27,202 --> 00:09:29,562
You tap your feet to music,
186
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you invite someone round for sex and then offer them yoghurt.
187
00:09:32,282 --> 00:09:35,122
Osteoporosis is really on the rise, so it's...
188
00:09:35,122 --> 00:09:39,242
This is a deeply uncool situation. I mean, I'm embarrassed.
189
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I'll see you.
190
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BUZZER
191
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'Hello! Happy birthday.
192
00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:53,362
'More importantly, I have a new carpet, so shoes off when you come in.
193
00:09:53,362 --> 00:09:55,882
'Oh, and leave the dog outside. Thank you.'
194
00:09:57,082 --> 00:10:00,602
- Are you taking your shoes off?
- Yes!
195
00:10:00,602 --> 00:10:03,522
Mind the paintwork, it's freshly done.
196
00:10:04,722 --> 00:10:07,362
Ooh, it's nice, isn't it?
197
00:10:07,362 --> 00:10:09,322
What is it?
198
00:10:09,322 --> 00:10:11,402
- Elephant's Breath?
- It's Clown's Ejaculant.
199
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,922
- Oh, very posh.
- Now, careful over the marble floor,
200
00:10:13,922 --> 00:10:15,242
it's just been polished.
201
00:10:15,242 --> 00:10:18,922
Lucky enough, I walk very much like this, so natural buffing action.
202
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,122
Actually, you might scratch it.
203
00:10:21,122 --> 00:10:23,722
Oh, you have all the fastidiousness of a gay man
204
00:10:23,722 --> 00:10:25,922
with none of the redeeming qualities.
205
00:10:25,922 --> 00:10:28,202
- Happy birthday!
- Thank you.
206
00:10:28,202 --> 00:10:31,962
So, come on, what's up? Please, try and make it something new.
207
00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:35,202
I don't have the energy to feign interest in the same old crap.
208
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:36,242
What do you mean?
209
00:10:36,242 --> 00:10:39,362
Oh, the aging process, your commitment phobia,
210
00:10:39,362 --> 00:10:42,562
- whether to botox your frown line...
- Let me stop you right there.
211
00:10:42,562 --> 00:10:44,242
It's same old crap.
212
00:10:44,242 --> 00:10:47,642
- Oh.
- I feel shame, Jamie. All the time.
213
00:10:47,642 --> 00:10:51,842
- It's like ivy, creeping around me and I...
- Oh!
214
00:10:51,842 --> 00:10:55,162
- I just worry that if I peel it off...
- Ooh!
215
00:10:55,162 --> 00:10:58,562
- ..there'll be nothing left underneath.
- Yrgh!
216
00:11:00,402 --> 00:11:04,922
- What?
- Just wondering at what point it wouldn't be too rude to interject,
217
00:11:04,922 --> 00:11:07,042
ask you to get your feet off the table.
218
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:09,802
Maybe I'll just lug my existential angst over to someone
219
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:12,082
who's had sex with something other than a watermelon
220
00:11:12,082 --> 00:11:13,642
this side of the millennium.
221
00:11:13,642 --> 00:11:15,562
She's not a watermelon, she's a honeydew,
222
00:11:15,562 --> 00:11:18,122
her name is Patricia and we're very much in love.
223
00:11:21,922 --> 00:11:25,082
It was here. I'm sure I parked it here.
224
00:11:25,082 --> 00:11:28,562
Zut alors! Nous avons perdu la voiture!
225
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:29,642
- What?
- Quoi?
226
00:11:30,642 --> 00:11:33,442
- Do you speak French?
- No. - En francais?
227
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:36,282
- Non.
- Very good. You see, you're picking it up already.
228
00:11:36,282 --> 00:11:38,682
The reason for the question is...?
229
00:11:38,682 --> 00:11:40,082
Qu'est ce que c'est le probleme?
230
00:11:40,082 --> 00:11:42,202
You know, you're now getting to be almost fluent.
231
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,522
Next thing I need to know is,
232
00:11:43,522 --> 00:11:45,962
do you have a working knowledge of the human skeleton,
233
00:11:45,962 --> 00:11:47,922
with a particular fondness for "jambes"?
234
00:11:47,922 --> 00:11:51,042
OK, you have five seconds to tell me what's going on
235
00:11:51,042 --> 00:11:52,962
before I scream into your sticking-out ear.
236
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,882
- Oh, my sticking out ear?
- Yeah. - Right, OK, erm...
237
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:59,282
Well, my mum phoned and she's coming down to visit...
238
00:11:59,282 --> 00:12:02,402
That's fantastic. It'll be nice to finally meet her.
239
00:12:02,402 --> 00:12:05,282
..and I told her I had a boyfriend...
240
00:12:05,282 --> 00:12:09,442
and he was French...and sold legs.
241
00:12:09,442 --> 00:12:12,362
I don't know what came over me either but I was very stressed.
242
00:12:12,362 --> 00:12:15,602
I was in a panic situation and I reacted the best way that I could.
243
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,002
It's only for one night.
244
00:12:17,002 --> 00:12:20,842
You'd just be getting the old girl off my case. Come on. Please?
245
00:12:20,842 --> 00:12:26,522
- S'il vous plait?
- You know, I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.
246
00:12:26,522 --> 00:12:28,842
Oh, God, I forgot he was coming.
247
00:12:28,842 --> 00:12:30,522
Is it wrong to want to shave a dog?
248
00:12:30,522 --> 00:12:32,362
Yes, it's extremely wrong.
249
00:12:32,362 --> 00:12:35,682
It's just, I've just had the car valeted, so...
250
00:12:35,682 --> 00:12:37,002
What's in the bag?
251
00:12:38,082 --> 00:12:41,202
Work stuff. I need to drop it off en route, if that's OK?
252
00:12:41,202 --> 00:12:44,002
Yeah, sure. What about electrolysis?
253
00:12:44,002 --> 00:12:45,482
Do they do that for dogs?
254
00:12:45,482 --> 00:12:47,482
Stop trying to make my animal bald.
255
00:12:49,282 --> 00:12:53,722
- Here is your present.
- Already I know it's not the lamp that I asked for.
256
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:59,202
- Oh, God, it's started.
- What's started?
257
00:12:59,202 --> 00:13:00,242
The enforced fun.
258
00:13:00,242 --> 00:13:02,842
Oh, no, the enforced fun doesn't start until later!
259
00:13:02,842 --> 00:13:06,602
This is the statutory embarrassing build-up BEFORE the enforced fun.
260
00:13:06,602 --> 00:13:10,202
Talking of which, come over to mine for dinner. Seven o'clock sharp.
261
00:13:10,202 --> 00:13:13,562
Right, and that's dinner, yes? It's not, erm, it's not a surprise?
262
00:13:13,562 --> 00:13:15,682
You know I hate surprises.
263
00:13:15,682 --> 00:13:17,202
Cos you know I have a drugs cabinet.
264
00:13:17,202 --> 00:13:20,322
Just open up and give you myxomatosis...
265
00:13:20,322 --> 00:13:21,562
(of the nuts.)
266
00:13:22,722 --> 00:13:24,322
It's a risk I am willing to take.
267
00:13:24,322 --> 00:13:26,922
- How could you?
- How do you think I feel?
268
00:13:26,922 --> 00:13:29,082
Do you think I wanted to spend a landmark birthday
269
00:13:29,082 --> 00:13:31,242
careering around an industrial estate
270
00:13:31,242 --> 00:13:33,962
- with a liquefying tabby on my lap?
- Get out! Get out!
271
00:13:36,842 --> 00:13:38,602
Hi, wonder if you could help me.
272
00:13:38,602 --> 00:13:41,482
I run the Parker Lane Surgery and I really need to get this cat...
273
00:13:41,482 --> 00:13:43,602
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
274
00:13:43,602 --> 00:13:45,882
Welcome to the Green Valley Place of Rest
275
00:13:45,882 --> 00:13:48,802
for dogs, cats and other companion animals.
276
00:13:48,802 --> 00:13:51,482
May I say how very sorry I am.
277
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:54,362
Oh, God, don't worry, it's not my cat!
278
00:13:56,242 --> 00:13:59,042
Then I am sorry for the owner's loss...
279
00:13:59,042 --> 00:14:01,722
and at the same time saddened they were too disengaged
280
00:14:01,722 --> 00:14:04,282
to make this final trip themselves.
281
00:14:04,282 --> 00:14:08,682
Please, take a seat and I'll give you our brochures to look at.
282
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,642
We have the full range of commemorative plaques and statuary,
283
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:14,362
including a limited edition Gilbert and George headstone,
284
00:14:14,362 --> 00:14:16,642
made entirely from injection-moulded pet dung.
285
00:14:16,642 --> 00:14:18,402
Actually, I'm in a bit of a rush...
286
00:14:18,402 --> 00:14:21,722
Yes, I can see. A birthday.
287
00:14:21,722 --> 00:14:23,762
How awful to spoil it(!)
288
00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:25,442
Why not stuff the corpse into a bag
289
00:14:25,442 --> 00:14:27,442
and dump it en route to the nearest nightclub?
290
00:14:27,442 --> 00:14:28,922
It's not like that.
291
00:14:28,922 --> 00:14:32,282
The owner wants the cat's ashes as soon as possible, like, today...
292
00:14:32,282 --> 00:14:33,962
or while I wait, is that...?
293
00:14:33,962 --> 00:14:37,522
We are not a drive-through crematorium, madam.
294
00:14:37,522 --> 00:14:39,722
We don't do takeaways.
295
00:14:39,722 --> 00:14:43,122
Here we take care and consideration.
296
00:14:43,122 --> 00:14:46,762
We hand cremate, we emote...we pray...
297
00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:48,762
Right, oh, that's good. Well...
298
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:53,362
..so when you suggest I casually incinerate this feline,
299
00:14:53,362 --> 00:14:56,642
you not only insult the memory of the beloved creature itself
300
00:14:56,642 --> 00:14:59,842
but you insult the care and attention
301
00:14:59,842 --> 00:15:03,282
that we at Green Valley customarily lavish upon the deceased.
302
00:15:03,282 --> 00:15:06,482
Could we compromise and say if I leave him here
303
00:15:06,482 --> 00:15:08,202
you'll have him burnt by five?
304
00:15:12,762 --> 00:15:15,882
Only two types of people wear bibs - toddlers and you lot.
305
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,042
That's all I'm saying.
306
00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,442
Yeah, but the skirts are hot.
307
00:15:18,442 --> 00:15:22,042
There is nothing hot about the nylon pleated mini, Justine.
308
00:15:22,042 --> 00:15:27,922
Under 25 is pervy wrong, over 25 it's just wrong
309
00:15:27,922 --> 00:15:30,162
I look like a post-breakdown Britney in this outfit.
310
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:32,962
What are you doing?
311
00:15:32,962 --> 00:15:37,482
Taking on fluids, fuelling my body - I'm just getting into the zone.
312
00:15:37,482 --> 00:15:39,882
I am...FOCUSED.
313
00:15:39,882 --> 00:15:42,122
Now, excuse me, I need to concentrate on my mantra.
314
00:15:42,122 --> 00:15:43,562
WHISTLE BLASTING
315
00:15:43,562 --> 00:15:45,842
Does the vending machine still do fags?
316
00:15:50,842 --> 00:15:53,722
They've got Mrs Tiggywinkle as goal shooter.
317
00:15:53,722 --> 00:15:55,562
That's Toria.
318
00:15:57,482 --> 00:15:59,242
THEY PANT RHYTHMICALLY
319
00:16:00,602 --> 00:16:04,202
It seems to be some sort of inner city asthmatic haka.
320
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:11,202
GONG RINGING
321
00:16:26,162 --> 00:16:27,682
Who's Toria?
322
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:29,722
Just an acquaintance.
323
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,042
Oh, really?
324
00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:34,202
- Is that some sort of sexual frisson I'm picking up on?
- No.
325
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,922
Yes, it is, you're going red!
326
00:16:35,922 --> 00:16:38,082
- Shut up, will you?
- You're blushing!
327
00:16:38,082 --> 00:16:40,282
Look at you, the Don Juan of netball.
328
00:16:40,282 --> 00:16:41,322
What's netball?
329
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:46,522
- This is netball.
- Is it? I thought it was basketball.
330
00:16:46,522 --> 00:16:49,682
Didn't you expecting the ball to bounce at least ONCE in five years?
331
00:16:49,682 --> 00:16:52,322
I dunno, I just assumed you weren't very good at it.
332
00:16:52,322 --> 00:16:54,162
WHISTLE BLASTING
333
00:16:54,162 --> 00:16:56,962
MUSIC: "Hollaback Girl" By Gwen Stefani
334
00:17:00,642 --> 00:17:03,282
Oh, YEAH!
335
00:17:03,282 --> 00:17:05,202
Three-second rule!
336
00:17:05,202 --> 00:17:07,682
ALL: Soon it'll be over, soon it'll be over.
337
00:17:11,122 --> 00:17:12,442
Brilliant!
338
00:17:12,442 --> 00:17:13,762
Ho!
339
00:17:17,602 --> 00:17:20,202
- Ah!
- Referee?!
340
00:17:20,202 --> 00:17:23,482
Red card! You're going to have a lot of trouble trying to get out of this one.
341
00:17:23,482 --> 00:17:26,322
- WHISTLE BLASTING
- All right, I'm going.
342
00:17:26,322 --> 00:17:28,562
You're actually doing me a favour, OK?
343
00:17:28,562 --> 00:17:31,042
Because I don't want to spend my weekends
344
00:17:31,042 --> 00:17:33,922
playing catch with a load of...big-titted children!
345
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:36,402
TORIA LAUGHS
346
00:17:39,882 --> 00:17:42,002
- Did she mean us?
- WHISTLE BLASTING
347
00:17:42,002 --> 00:17:43,842
All right, I'm GOING!
348
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,842
Yes, me, back again.
349
00:17:59,842 --> 00:18:03,242
Just forgot my bag...and my dog.
350
00:18:07,722 --> 00:18:08,762
Thank you.
351
00:18:08,762 --> 00:18:12,882
An... Yep, very aware of just how embarrassing that is on every level.
352
00:18:12,882 --> 00:18:15,362
So, er...goodbye.
353
00:18:21,082 --> 00:18:23,802
DOG BARKING AND YELPING
354
00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:26,842
Excuse me!
355
00:18:26,842 --> 00:18:29,202
It's all right, stay there, stay there.
356
00:18:32,682 --> 00:18:34,602
Didn't you see the sign? "Dogs on leads"!
357
00:18:34,602 --> 00:18:37,002
They've been fencing this area with barbed wire all week
358
00:18:37,002 --> 00:18:39,122
but, no, why do that when you can let it run riot!
359
00:18:39,122 --> 00:18:41,962
- It's so inconsiderate of you...
- It's not my dog, love.
360
00:18:41,962 --> 00:18:43,842
- Oh. So, sorry.
- God, is he all right?
361
00:18:43,842 --> 00:18:46,922
Well, no, actually, he's not all right, he's...
362
00:18:49,082 --> 00:18:50,842
..fine, considering, actually.
363
00:18:50,842 --> 00:18:54,162
Did you sort him out? Thank you so much.
364
00:18:54,162 --> 00:18:57,282
It's OK, really. I was just off, on my way to work.
365
00:18:57,282 --> 00:18:59,522
Oh, right. You normally work in the woods?
366
00:18:59,522 --> 00:19:02,162
Yes, er, I'm an apprentice elf.
367
00:19:02,162 --> 00:19:04,762
- I see.
- Hm. - OK, so when do you get the hat?
368
00:19:05,882 --> 00:19:08,002
You are very elf savvy, aren't you?
369
00:19:08,002 --> 00:19:10,602
Er, way off that yet, actually.
370
00:19:10,602 --> 00:19:14,602
- Of course, because that's Fairy Key Stage Three.
- Yeah. - Right.
371
00:19:14,602 --> 00:19:16,802
And what about your ears?
372
00:19:16,802 --> 00:19:19,682
- About six months off that.
- OK.
373
00:19:19,682 --> 00:19:24,162
I'm assuming, as an elf, you work in something craft-based.
374
00:19:24,162 --> 00:19:26,602
We are actually trying to move away from that stereotype.
375
00:19:26,602 --> 00:19:27,962
So, I'm an executive.
376
00:19:29,242 --> 00:19:31,042
- An executive?!
- What?
377
00:19:31,042 --> 00:19:33,562
Well, that doesn't mean anything!
378
00:19:33,562 --> 00:19:37,042
It needs to have another word with it, like...
379
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:39,242
"accounts," or, "sales," or, "advertising" -
380
00:19:39,242 --> 00:19:43,042
- although, I very much doubt it, dressed like that!
- Vet.
381
00:19:43,042 --> 00:19:44,642
An executive VET?
382
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,882
Yes, we're the most elite type of vet, actually.
383
00:19:46,882 --> 00:19:50,122
- Are you a bit embarrassed?
- A bit embarrassed, yeah.
384
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:51,322
Why?
385
00:19:51,322 --> 00:19:54,202
I dunno. I suppose, people think that vets spend all day every day
386
00:19:54,202 --> 00:19:56,442
with their fist up an animal's arse and, to be honest,
387
00:19:56,442 --> 00:19:58,202
that's only 95% of the job.
388
00:19:58,202 --> 00:20:01,082
Well, that doesn't frighten me. Hi, I'm Eve.
389
00:20:01,082 --> 00:20:02,362
I'm Sara.
390
00:20:02,362 --> 00:20:05,322
- Thank you for looking after my dog.
- You're welcome.
391
00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:11,162
- Right, well...I'm actually in a bit of a rush.
- Sure!
392
00:20:11,162 --> 00:20:14,082
Is he going to be OK or should I get him checked out?
393
00:20:14,082 --> 00:20:16,642
You should, yes, you should definitely get him checked out.
394
00:20:16,642 --> 00:20:18,642
Maybe book an appointment as soon as possible.
395
00:20:18,642 --> 00:20:22,162
He's going to need antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, painkillers,
396
00:20:22,162 --> 00:20:25,082
- MRI, CT scans, ultrasounds...
- Right.
397
00:20:25,082 --> 00:20:26,322
Basically, what I'm saying,
398
00:20:26,322 --> 00:20:30,802
you could be seeing quite a lot of this netballing elf...vet.
399
00:20:30,802 --> 00:20:34,042
You mean EXECUTIVE netballing elf vet.
400
00:20:34,042 --> 00:20:35,122
Yeah.
401
00:20:36,442 --> 00:20:37,562
Well, have you got a card?
402
00:20:37,562 --> 00:20:40,362
- I could bring him by your surgery in the morning.
- I have, I think...
403
00:20:40,362 --> 00:20:43,522
somewhere, here. Here you go.
404
00:20:43,522 --> 00:20:46,322
- OK, thank you.
- You're welcome.
405
00:20:46,322 --> 00:20:48,042
You don't really do eye contact, do you?
406
00:20:48,042 --> 00:20:49,922
Not if I can help it, no.
407
00:20:49,922 --> 00:20:53,402
Well, you should try it. You'd be amazed what you might learn.
408
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:56,642
Come on!
409
00:20:58,042 --> 00:20:59,842
Do you want to come to a party?
410
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:02,082
Sorry, are you 12?
411
00:21:02,082 --> 00:21:05,602
No, I just dress like it! Er, it's a surprise.
412
00:21:05,602 --> 00:21:06,882
For who?
413
00:21:06,882 --> 00:21:08,162
Well, for me, actually.
414
00:21:08,162 --> 00:21:10,402
The surprise is how good I am at acting surprised
415
00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:13,242
when everyone jumps out and says, "Surprise!"
416
00:21:13,242 --> 00:21:14,282
OK.
417
00:21:15,922 --> 00:21:20,482
Should I just surprise you by magically knowing the time and place?
418
00:21:20,482 --> 00:21:24,242
- Yeah, why don't you do that?
- OK...
419
00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:26,122
I shall consider it a challenge.
420
00:21:28,362 --> 00:21:29,402
See ya.
421
00:21:31,002 --> 00:21:33,882
Justine, stop what you're doing and listen to me.
422
00:21:33,882 --> 00:21:36,642
I can't stop anything because I'm not doing anything.
423
00:21:36,642 --> 00:21:39,682
Well, this party that you're NOT organising.
424
00:21:39,682 --> 00:21:42,522
This is a trap, isn't it? They said you'd do this.
425
00:21:42,522 --> 00:21:45,322
I want to make sure there's going to be NONE of the following -
426
00:21:45,322 --> 00:21:49,162
jugglers, poets, clowns, strippers, gorilla-grams,
427
00:21:49,162 --> 00:21:52,002
chocolate fountains, ANYTHING on stilts.
428
00:21:52,002 --> 00:21:54,202
Oh, and, Justine - no balloons.
429
00:22:02,442 --> 00:22:04,722
BUZZER
430
00:22:04,722 --> 00:22:05,762
'You are late!'
431
00:22:05,762 --> 00:22:08,722
Listen, you need to let me in, I've locked myself out and I've got news.
432
00:22:08,722 --> 00:22:10,682
- Come on, let me in, let me in!
- No.
433
00:22:13,442 --> 00:22:15,442
Jamie?
434
00:22:15,442 --> 00:22:16,722
Surprise!
435
00:22:16,722 --> 00:22:20,642
Oh-ho-ho! Gosh! I really don't know what to say(!)
436
00:22:20,642 --> 00:22:23,682
- I'm going to kill you.
- Nice to see you made an effort.
437
00:22:23,682 --> 00:22:26,762
Eat, drink, don't spill.
438
00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:29,562
OK, thank you.
439
00:22:31,002 --> 00:22:33,082
What's SHE doing here?
440
00:22:33,082 --> 00:22:35,442
I dunno. She came with Justine's mates. Do you know her?
441
00:22:35,442 --> 00:22:36,882
Sort of. On the surface.
442
00:22:38,802 --> 00:22:43,082
- Hello, soldier!
- Hey, all right? - Yeah. So, did you win?
443
00:22:43,082 --> 00:22:47,202
You don't tend to change the result when you re-enact battles, so, yes.
444
00:22:47,202 --> 00:22:48,562
What happened to your head?
445
00:22:48,562 --> 00:22:51,802
Pike to the forehead. Schoolboy error, that. Patched it up at work.
446
00:22:51,802 --> 00:22:53,042
Well, what about Simon?
447
00:22:53,042 --> 00:22:55,162
Oh, yeah, I think I managed to break his nose
448
00:22:55,162 --> 00:22:56,642
during a hand-to-hand skirmish.
449
00:22:56,642 --> 00:22:57,842
I got this rock, right,
450
00:22:57,842 --> 00:23:00,122
and I was smashing his face in, like that...
451
00:23:00,122 --> 00:23:02,122
so we're even now.
452
00:23:04,442 --> 00:23:08,242
- I'm going to get a drink.
- I thought a soldier never retreated!
453
00:23:08,242 --> 00:23:09,322
- Hi.
- Hi.
454
00:23:09,322 --> 00:23:14,682
Er...listen, I just wanted to apologise about earlier.
455
00:23:14,682 --> 00:23:15,842
It's none of my business.
456
00:23:15,842 --> 00:23:17,842
It's none of my business what you tell your mum.
457
00:23:17,842 --> 00:23:19,282
Actually, you were right.
458
00:23:19,282 --> 00:23:22,642
Oh, I took your key by mistake earlier, sorry about that.
459
00:23:22,642 --> 00:23:25,442
That's all right, thanks very much.
460
00:23:25,442 --> 00:23:27,242
Surprise!
461
00:23:27,242 --> 00:23:31,802
Wow! You're here. YOU'RE here. We're all...
462
00:23:31,802 --> 00:23:32,882
here.
463
00:23:32,882 --> 00:23:35,962
Great. Er...Eve, meet Clara.
464
00:23:35,962 --> 00:23:38,002
- Chiara.
- That, as well.
465
00:23:38,002 --> 00:23:40,322
So, how do you two know each other?
466
00:23:40,322 --> 00:23:42,722
Well, we've just met, really,
467
00:23:42,722 --> 00:23:45,082
but your friend Daniel was telling me
468
00:23:45,082 --> 00:23:48,602
- how you can geld a tortoise one-handed.
- Yep.
469
00:23:48,602 --> 00:23:51,322
Wow, that's a party trick!
470
00:23:51,322 --> 00:23:53,762
- I could geld him right now.
- All right, Eve?
471
00:23:53,762 --> 00:23:56,722
She popped by work to pick up some ear cleaner and some pooh bags,
472
00:23:56,722 --> 00:23:58,282
I told her where the party was.
473
00:23:58,282 --> 00:23:59,682
All right, there?
474
00:23:59,682 --> 00:24:00,722
Oh, I see.
475
00:24:00,722 --> 00:24:04,282
I've turned this sex triangle into an awkward square!
476
00:24:06,642 --> 00:24:10,202
Fredo, NO! Fredo, no, no! It's a new carpet!
477
00:24:10,202 --> 00:24:13,042
It's a NEW... It's a new carpet!
478
00:24:13,042 --> 00:24:15,722
Sara, is that the cat you killed?
479
00:24:15,722 --> 00:24:18,042
- Yep.
- I thought you said you'd deal with it.
480
00:24:18,042 --> 00:24:20,162
I tried to, didn't I? But it was very difficult.
481
00:24:20,162 --> 00:24:22,762
Who's going to have to speak to the owner tomorrow? That's me.
482
00:24:22,762 --> 00:24:25,282
Thank you very much. Cheers for that.
483
00:24:25,282 --> 00:24:27,282
Why is there a dead cat in your bag?
484
00:24:28,362 --> 00:24:31,562
I like to use it to swing around a room, just to see how big it is.
485
00:24:31,562 --> 00:24:33,242
Why is there a dead cat in your bag?
486
00:24:33,242 --> 00:24:36,642
She's an executive, they do that kind of thing all the time.
487
00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:40,842
- That word doesn't mean anything. Executive what?
- Vet.
488
00:24:40,842 --> 00:24:42,722
Vet?
489
00:24:42,722 --> 00:24:47,242
Why would you tell me you're some globe-trotting advertising guru?
490
00:24:47,242 --> 00:24:50,722
Oh, so I might answer your late-night bootie calls a little bit faster?
491
00:24:50,722 --> 00:24:52,242
Because I'm that shallow?
492
00:24:52,242 --> 00:24:55,962
Do you know what, next time you fancy a brief, and, might I say,
493
00:24:55,962 --> 00:24:57,962
deeply unrewarding shag...
494
00:24:57,962 --> 00:24:59,482
I was very tired!
495
00:24:59,482 --> 00:25:00,722
..call someone else.
496
00:25:04,922 --> 00:25:08,082
Well, this is turning into quite a surprise party, isn't it?
497
00:25:08,082 --> 00:25:11,842
I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a party so much(!)
498
00:25:11,842 --> 00:25:15,722
Erm, I'm going to go for a fag. Do you want to come?
499
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:17,642
Just going to wait for the colour in my face
500
00:25:17,642 --> 00:25:20,282
to dip from Sir Alex Ferguson to just a normal raspberry.
501
00:25:22,442 --> 00:25:25,642
Shush. Everyone, shut up.
502
00:25:25,642 --> 00:25:28,562
Sara, we've some things we'd like to say to you.
503
00:25:28,562 --> 00:25:32,282
Justine, missed a bit. There's a...piece of paw.
504
00:25:34,882 --> 00:25:38,562
I'm not very good at improvising so I've written things down.
505
00:25:38,562 --> 00:25:42,242
Sara, you are smug, intellectually insecure,
506
00:25:42,242 --> 00:25:44,482
messy and a nightmare girlfriend.
507
00:25:44,482 --> 00:25:46,642
Great speech!
508
00:25:46,642 --> 00:25:49,722
But you are also, and it pains me to say it, loveable.
509
00:25:49,722 --> 00:25:52,722
Because we love you we want you to be happy.
510
00:25:52,722 --> 00:25:53,882
So, with that in mind,
511
00:25:53,882 --> 00:25:58,322
we have clubbed together to get you a mystery gift.
512
00:25:59,602 --> 00:26:01,682
Ooh, hello, this is my bit, isn't it?
513
00:26:02,722 --> 00:26:08,202
First, you need to pop this blindfold on you.
514
00:26:09,442 --> 00:26:12,882
Now, arms out and follow me.
515
00:26:16,202 --> 00:26:17,242
Am I warm?
516
00:26:20,682 --> 00:26:22,562
Surprise!
517
00:26:22,562 --> 00:26:25,602
- Surprise! What's the surprise?
- What is she doing here?
518
00:26:25,602 --> 00:26:28,642
You remember Toria. Toria's a lifestyle coach.
519
00:26:28,642 --> 00:26:30,642
Personal Enhancement Coordinator.
520
00:26:30,642 --> 00:26:32,922
She is your present from all of us.
521
00:26:32,922 --> 00:26:35,762
You're going to work with her for the next five weeks,
522
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:37,842
she is going to do everything in her power -
523
00:26:37,842 --> 00:26:39,842
be it workshops, group counselling...
524
00:26:39,842 --> 00:26:40,922
Drum therapy.
525
00:26:40,922 --> 00:26:42,762
You said you wouldn't mention that.
526
00:26:42,762 --> 00:26:46,162
Everything so that that when your parents come to visit
527
00:26:46,162 --> 00:26:50,482
you can look them in the eye and tell them you are a big, old gay.
528
00:26:50,482 --> 00:26:54,002
- Very good, very good. It's a joke, yes?
- No.
529
00:26:54,002 --> 00:26:56,162
And if the time comes, you still can't do it,
530
00:26:56,162 --> 00:26:59,122
Toria has been instructed to do it on your behalf.
531
00:26:59,122 --> 00:27:01,962
"Hello, Angela, Sara is a big..."
532
00:27:01,962 --> 00:27:05,362
If you want my advice, you'll go with the first option - far less painful.
533
00:27:05,362 --> 00:27:07,522
You are going to out me to my mother?!
534
00:27:07,522 --> 00:27:08,962
What's wrong with you?
535
00:27:08,962 --> 00:27:10,402
What's wrong with YOU?
536
00:27:10,402 --> 00:27:12,722
You'd rather have a friend speak French
537
00:27:12,722 --> 00:27:15,122
and pretend to be your boyfriend than tell the truth.
538
00:27:15,122 --> 00:27:16,482
You're so scared of who you are,
539
00:27:16,482 --> 00:27:20,362
- you don't even like telling people you're from Streatham.
- I'm not from Streatham. - You see?
540
00:27:20,362 --> 00:27:23,962
Look, outside is this incredible girl.
541
00:27:23,962 --> 00:27:25,522
There's ALWAYS a girl.
542
00:27:25,522 --> 00:27:27,602
Yeah, but this one's different.
543
00:27:27,602 --> 00:27:30,682
And you're always the same. That's the trouble, do you not you see that?
544
00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:32,922
I just need time on my own and then I will do it.
545
00:27:32,922 --> 00:27:34,042
I don't need her, OK?
546
00:27:34,042 --> 00:27:35,442
I'm sorry.
547
00:27:35,442 --> 00:27:39,122
We wanted to get you something we thought would change your life.
548
00:27:39,122 --> 00:27:41,522
This is it. Be free.
549
00:27:41,522 --> 00:27:43,402
Be happy, for once.
550
00:27:48,522 --> 00:27:52,322
Thank God for you - you're the only other woman here in fancy dress!
551
00:27:52,322 --> 00:27:56,162
- What is it? Post-breakdown Britney?
- TORIA LAUGHS
552
00:27:56,162 --> 00:27:58,642
Now, I know we didn't get off on the best footing,
553
00:27:58,642 --> 00:28:02,642
which is a ruddy shame because I'm an awful lot of fun
554
00:28:02,642 --> 00:28:06,042
- and crazy with a capital B!
- TORIA LAUGHS
555
00:28:07,762 --> 00:28:12,722
- So, come on, come on, give us a big, breasty cuddle.
- No, no, no...
556
00:28:12,722 --> 00:28:17,482
That's it, rock and cradle, rock and cradle.
557
00:28:17,482 --> 00:28:20,922
But I only wanted a lamp!
558
00:28:45,682 --> 00:28:48,842
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
559
00:28:48,892 --> 00:28:53,442
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