All language subtitles for meet.the.frasers.s01e01.720p.web.h264-tbs_ENG_Subtitles01

I swear to God your father
is walking around in heaven,

and I think I just saw balls.
[audience laughs]

Im Matt Fraser
and I am a psychic medium.

Hes smoking the silly smoke
on the other side.

Oh.

You cant put a price on this
face, you know that, right?

I have a two year waiting list
for private readings,

and by the time I was 25,
I made myself a millionaire.

I look orgasmic.

My mom would love to get
a picture with you.

People absolutely love me.

I love you.

I love when I get recognized.

Um.

Oh, Im sorry and
this is my girlfriend.

Sorry, was I supposed
to introduce you?

[man]
Gorgeous.

I am Alexa Papigiotis,

former Miss Rhode Island
Teen USA.

My ultimate dream is to go
to Miss USA.

Ooh, ooh.
We are, like,
the perfect couple.

Well, thats not true
because I still cant [bleep]
in front of her.

This is me and you.

[kisses]

Cant come apart.

I hear a lot of talking,
but I see no boxes.

I think you need to shut up.

Everyone always said,
"Dont hire family."

Stupid me,
I hire my family.

You can never fire your mother.

This is why you cant work
with family.

You are the sister of
a world‐renowned psychic medium.

You cant be afraid of ghosts.

God made me this way.

I know, Ive been asking
why ever since.

No one loves Matt Fraser
more than Matt Fraser.

I am a broken man.
Ah, yeah.

I dont know what a psychic
power is, I dont get it.

Whats a psychic power?

[Matt]
Im all cannoli and meatballs.

Youre still half Fraser.

Im not half Scottish.
I am 49 percent.

Ooh, ooh.

Damn! You cant spell smother
without mother.

I think you really need to go
and lay down, let me see, are
you all right?

Dont you dare.
Dont you even dare.

Moms like your second
girlfriend.

This feels too weird.

Shhh.

Matts family is nuts.

I feel like I wanna kill
somebody.

Your family is just
as crazy as my family.

I breastfed both of you,
you [bleep] bitches.

I cant breathe.

You came right from these loins.

Shes got nice loins,
by the way.

[Sharon]
Maybe youre doing it wrong.

Thats why youre not pregnant.

Come on, its time to mangiare.

[Matt]
In Rhode Island you
cant swing a dead cat

without hitting an Italian.

No meat‐a‐balls for you.

We have our own way
of communicating.

Hand movements, sounds...

[making sound]

...and words you never heard
before.

Malocchio.

Schifoso factor.

Gabadost.

Were loud, were Italian
and we say it like it is.

Up yours, buddy.

Never go against the family.

[cat meows]

This is so nice.
So nice.

This is beautiful.

Its so nice to get some sun.

Right in here.

It says private.

Yeah, I know.
I know a guy.

Your brother doesnt only just
have connections with the dead.

Um, a member at literally
every yacht club.

Matt, you dont even own
a yacht.
I love this.

Yeah, but you know what I love?
Is being able to spend it
with you.

Thats how I feel.
We get to do all
of this together.

You guys get one in.
Im going to look this way
for two seconds.

You guys get one in.

Oh, oh.
We have two seconds. Mm.

Enough! Thats it.
Im right here.

I love you guys,
but, like, everywhere we go

its the matching outfits.
This is ridiculous.

If you think this is
ridiculous,

we even have
matching underwear.

Yes, we do.

[Matt]
We love to match one another.

This is Alexas way of showing
everybody else that Im hers.

This is my man, dont look.

Right.

Im trying out this new thing...

Where is your shirt?

I want my man titties out.

Everything in Matts life
becomes extra.
Like super extra.

Woo‐hoo‐hoo.
Put it back on.

Babe.

Its a good thing
that his profession

is talking to dead people

because he has no clue
about the living.

Hold on.

Are you serious?

Hold on, wait.

I knew Matt was going to be
my boyfriend just by looking
at him.

Really, guys? Selfies?

I love his voice.

Like that voice is so distinct,
its so different,

but I could listen
to it all day.

Its like music to my ears.

[laughing]

[Matt]
Wait one second. Okay.

You know what?
Now youre going to take
the picture.

Wait a minute. My girdle is
riding up, hold on. Im sorry.

[Alexa] Like, do it,
like in private.
Oh, these are the good ones.

Are you [bleep] kidding me
right now?
No, this is it.

Right on the inside.
Matt, just button it up.

No, shes taking pictures
of me with fixing my...

All right, button it up
so we can take more pictures.

The girdle is for the tripe.

What does that even mean?

Youre talking about your fat?

Thats what they call
the cow stomach, the tripe.

So youre calling yourself
a cow?

No. Im just saying that‐‐
you know, it could be...
[slurps]

Were building a brand.
Its called Malexa...

Malexa?
When people‐‐
Its both our names.

Stands for Matthew and Alexa.

Mm‐hm. Worked
for Brangelina, works for us.

They broke up.

I‐‐ You‐‐ Why do you gotta ruin
it like that? Why do you gotta
ruin it?

[boat horn sounding]

Guys, whats going on
down there?

Why do you have
the smallest box?

Oh, honey. Im the mother.

So you know, Im the boss.
I ta‐‐

I give it to you,
you take it up.

No, Im the boss.

You got the stugatz,
and Im the boss.

Working with family is tough.

I mean, I love it,

but I absolutely hate it
at the same time.

Like my boots?

Id like it better
if they were on you.

Matt, they hurt my feet,
come on.

[Matt]
I mean, my mother never
has her act together.

Shes got pink slippers on,

stockings all the
way up to her wazu.

This one drags her feet
when shes walking.

All I hear is the dragging.

Leave her alone.

Draggin feet, draggin ass.

My dad also works with me,

but the one thing
that I find odd

is that he doesnt even
believe in speaking
to the dead.

He doesnt even understand
or believe in what I do.

This is a sold out event today.
Theres going to be thr‐‐

[Angela]
350 people.

[car honking]

Oh my God, that guys‐‐
Look ther‐‐ Wave.

Oh, wave‐‐ wave.

[all]
Hi!

[Angela] See ya there.
Oh, my God.

[Angela]
That was your fan
beeping the horn.

How do they know that its us?

How do they know its me?
Is he for real?

[crowd cheering]

Hello, everybody and welcome!

Before we begin I just want to
tell a little bit about myself

because the gift
of psychic ability

has run in my family
from generation to generation.

It started
with my grandmother,

who had this gift.

Who passed it on to my mom

and in turn passed it on to me.

When I first started seeing
and hearing dead people,

I had no idea
what was going on.

I remember being in my room
yelling and screaming

for my mom to come
in and to help me

because I was seeing ghosts
and hearing voices.

Can you all stand up?

Instead of my mom coming
in the room like,

"Thats okay, Matt.

You can sleep with my
and your dad tonight,"

my mother gave no
[bleep] whatsoever.

My mothers words to me was,
"Never be afraid of the dead."

Did you lose your husband,
as well?

My first and second husband,
yeah.

How many husbands
did you have?

[audience laughing]
Im on my third.

God bless.

Growing up being psychic
was not easy for me.

I tried my hardest
to push this ability away,

but I went to go see a medium
about a girl I used to liked,

about all the normal
teenage questions.

And instead I left hearing
that I was a medium.

Hold on, Im listening.

And I actually had
to leave my full time job,
as an EMT,

because I realized
I could use this ability

to help people,
just in a different way.

Your brother just showed me
all these strange women
lining up at a casket.

And theyre like,
"Who are you?"

And theyre like,
"Oh, I used to date him."

And then the woman next to her
is like, "I used to date him."

Thats true.

Just tidy this up
a little bit.

I want to get
out of these boots.

I want to put
my slippers back on.

My feet are killing me.

Thats smart.

Matthew loves it when you put
the slippers on.

I want to thank you all
for being here today.

It was an honor and a privilege
channeling your loved ones.

Thank you.

[audience applause]

Hey, there he is.

[Matt]
Whats going on over here?
[Angela] What?

Why do you got
your slippers on?

You said you werent going
to wear your slippers.

Matthew, come on, my feet hurt.

Jeez, Im your mother.

All right,
who am I making this out to?

Beverly.

At my live events
I rely on my mom,

my sister, and Alexa

to run the merchandise table.

They represent me.

Come on, Ma.

Theyre gonna be like getting
their books this year

and theyre going to
have chips inside of them.

[Matt]
This company is being brought
to the next level.

This is going to be
a psychic empire.

[Angela]
Matthew, if youre hungry
I saved you half a sandwich.

What do you mean you saved me
half a sandwich?

I got it right there.
Right in back of you.

This is what you saved me?

Yeah, I saved you half.

[Matt]
Do you see this?

[Angela]
They know I love you.

[Matt] This isnt
the concession stand.

This is where the merchandise
is sold.

This is where the autographs
are signed.

This is where books
are signed.

Were not, you know,
being a slabon.

To Dale? D‐A‐L‐E?
Yes.

[woman]
Can we get a picture with you
after, too?

Yeah, absolutely.

Matt, dont step
on the sandwich.

I cant even come over
and take pictures with people

if Im more worried
about a sandwich over here.

They come into these events,

not acting the way
that staff should act.

You want me to feed it
to you, too?

Im running a business.

They have to look
like business people.

This is good.

These fries are really good,
too.

The fries are really good.

We need to get more
professional.

Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you.

Thank you.
It was nice seeing you.

If they look the part,

then Im hoping they will start
acting the part.

I dont want to talk about it.

My perfect proposal would be
Disney World... castle.

Firework show goes on.

Ooh‐ooh. Its Mickey Mouse
coming next to me

while Im trying to propose.

Thats the worst idea
Ive ever heard.

Im making you coffee now.

It smells good.
I can smell it from here.

Babe, its ready.

Aw, babe.

There you go.

Thank you.

Hes in my pouch,
but I want him even closer.

Thats what youre going
to look like one day
when youre with child.

Cant get pregnant
without being married first.

Only the fools rush in.

Dont you think its time?

Babe, I just gave you that
promise ring not too long ago.

Time to make good
on that promise.

[Matt]
Alexa talks about marriage
almost every single day.

Not almost. Every‐single‐day.

[exhales]

I will tell you exactly
what I want, okay?

Tell me, Im all ears.

Well g‐‐
Are you listening?
Take notes.

My perfect proposal would be
Disney World... castle.

Firework show goes on.
"Happily Ever After"
starts playing‐‐

[baby cry]
You know what that is?

Its a baby crying
next to me as Im
trying to propose.

No.

I have a whole
wedding board on Pinterest.

I have our invitations
picked out,

bridesmaid dresses picked out.

I have the theme,
I have the church,

I have the venue,
I have the music,

I have everything.

You see this?
Ooh‐ooh‐ooh‐ooh‐ooh...
No...

Its Mickey Mouse coming
next to me while Im trying
to propose.

Thats the worst idea
Ive ever heard in all my life.

Theres no need to rush
into an engagement, you know.

I want to take my time.

When I feel the time is right,
itll happen.

Fine. Theres another way...

No, baby. You wan‐‐ No, no.
Wait. I have another
dream proposal.

Thats not glam‐‐
I would never.

I have another dream proposal.

If I were to propose
for you...

Shh. You shh.

Ooh‐ooh...
Uh‐uh‐uh...

Oh, my God,
youre making him so nervous.
Youre making them so nervous.

You upset the whole house.

[Angela]
Whats for lunch?

You want chicken wings?
Meatballs?
[Alexa] Yes.

And eggplant.
Oh, my God, stop.

What the [bleep]
is going on over here?

Why do we got donuts, coffee...

[Angela]
Well, we were waiting for you,

so we had a little snack.

Aye, skeeve,
you have all your toast.

Theres donuts,
theres wrappers, theres gum.

I didnt think you were gonna
put your hands all over it.

I skeeve this.

This‐‐
This is my conference room.

You have youre stuff‐‐
You know Im OCD.

I come in here
to Hong Kong buffet.

We gotta get things
under control

because the company
where its at right now

is not where it was
nine years ago.

We are exploding.

And yet you bring
your high heels with you
to satisfy me,

and then the minute
I go in to do my show,

you got the slippers on
and youre eating burgers,

having mustard
all over the place.

People dont want to see that.

Like look at the way
youre dressed right now.

Whats wrong with the way
Im dressed right now?

Look at me.

Dont worry about me.
Worry about you, how you look.

I look fantastic,
Im on point,

Im fabulous every day.

I dont think I can dress
the same way Matt does.

Its, like, too much.

Who wears
the nipple zipper?

[others laughing]

This is too little.
I think this is too little.

Yeah, no.

Long story short,

this is how you dress.

Im proud of what I do,

Im proud of my job,

the shoes are on point.

This is gold right here.

Me and my mother have
a great relationship.

We share
our psychic abilities,

we both love to dance,

and we dance well together,

but Matthew has
a different style of dressing.

When I see his shoes sometimes,
I‐‐ I have to go like this

because the shoes are
so flashy,

that sometimes I gotta put
sunglasses on.

There are nothing wrong
with these shoes, Mom.

Youre a psychic medium.
Youre not Michael Jackson.

[exhales]

No more dresses from CVS.

Ah, I like the dresses from CVS.
Oh, you gotta tell my mom
that, too.

Those are n‐‐
CVS is not a clothing store.

[laughing]

We are under the microscope,

and we have to look
like a business.

I want you looking just
as good as me

every single day.

I have my personal stylist,

who I hired
to dress all of you.

[exhaling]

Do the pageant and then lets
get this [bleep] over with.

[bleep], this is my dream.

But my dream is to have
a grandchild.

[Matt] This is going to be
the whole team uniform.
Oh, my God.

The uniforms are the
most ridiculous things
youve ever seen.

Theres a man standing next
to you that passed in tragedy.

Its actually a young male.
Was that your boyfriend?

No, best friend.

Hes telling me
when I speaking to him,

that he always had a thing
for you in the physical world.

"I tried to make the moves
on her,"

he goes,
"but she used to slap me.
She wouldnt let me near her."

Youre telling me
hes not your boyfriend,

but I see the two of you
in the same bed

with one another
when Im connecting.

Yes.

Move, Luca.

Perfect.

[woman]
Hello.
Hey, Nicole.

Hi.

Thank you for taking my call.

Oh, yeah. Im always happy
to take your call.

I gave my family
chance after chance

to be more professional,
look the part.

They dont know what that is,
so I gotta take over.

If a business blazer
had a psychic baby,

thats what were going for.

My stylist Nicole is going
to make us new uniforms

that are going to make us look
Fraser fabulous.

Flashy, classy...

I think gold is super classic.

Its blingy and definitely goes
with your style.

Im wondering what you
think of incorporating angel
wings into the blazer.

Yeah, thats exactly
what I want.

They have to be big,
like, the more crystals
the better.

Like I hate when you go in,
and you see these shirts,

and theres only one crystal
here, one crystal there.

Like we want this to be
a statement.
[Nicole] Bling.

We want people to‐‐
yeah, its like a billboard.

It definitely screams out
Matt Fraser.

Yeah.

[woman]
I love it here.

The waiter said there are
Italian things on the menu,

Yeah.
...but Im trying to tell Mom

to get something
a little different.

She wants me to get The Bag.
Were here.

[Ava]
The sandwich is called
The Bag.

The scrotum bag for lunch.

Thats not what its called.

Oh, the scrotum bag.

Shh.
[Ava] Were at brunch.

Oh, thats true.

For some reason my mom has
an obsession with genitalia.

Things come out of the vagine.

Spermatozoa.

Balls.

Its nothing but penis,
tits talk.

Its disgusting.

Everything looks so good.

What do you think
youre gonna have?

Oh, pasta.
Ah‐huh.

When are you going to start
preparing for the pageant?

Soon. Dont rush.

Well, its coming now.
If its soon, then you

shouldnt be ordering
a big bowl of pasta.

I can order whatever I want.

Its not here yet.

I got started in high school

with pageantry.

Winning Miss Rhode Island
Teen USA

was my biggest dream
at that point in my life.

I just want
that feeling again,

and thats why I want to go
for Miss Rhode Island USA.

So we do the pageant,
and then what comes next?

Baby, or...

Lets get going on this.
The thing is with the pageant

is that I only have a small
window to do it, basically.

So this year Im going all out.

My other dream is to, also,

get married to Matt.

You definitely cant be married

and be Miss Rhode Island
because its Miss.

Thats, unfortunately,
a really, really big conflict.

So I want to win before I have
to say goodbye to my pageant
career forever.

This is it. After that...
Yeah, this is
the last hoorah, girl.

...youre gonna buckle down,
youre gonna get yourself
knocked up.

This is a very long time away.

[gasps]
I need a ring,

[gasps]
I need a wedding first.

Hopefully I win,
accomplish my goal,

and then worry
about having children

and stuff like that.

All right. So lets get
this [bleep] over with.

[bleep], this is my dream.

It is your dream,
but my dream is to have
a grandchild.

Youre gonna get your dream.

Just not now.
Im still young.

My mom pressuring me
about having a baby,

its about her getting older

and how she might not have
a grandchild.

Ladies, here we are.

Yes, that is mine.
Thank you.

You got plenty of time
on the clock.

So lets get going on this.

Ive been following you
for so long,

and I just wanted
to come say hi.
Oh, thank you.

I havent been to an event yet,
and Ive been dying to go.

Dont die to go, hon.

Im excited. I cant wait
for you to see Mom.

Im psyched.

I want the uniform reveal
to be a big spectacle.

There you go.
Thank you.

Youre welcome, go ahead.

Ladies, ladies.

Angela was the biggest
train wreck,

so she needs to be the
one to be the model tonight.

Oh, who set this table here?

Well, I just like everything
straight.

Hi. Im sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to come say hello.

Ive been following you
for so long,

and I just wanted
to come say hi.
Oh, thank you.

I havent been to an event yet,
but Ive been dying to go.

Dont die to go, hon.

Well either catch you here
in the physical world,

or well catch you when
youre on the other side.

Yes, awesome. Thank you so
much. So nice to meet you.
Oh, youre very welcome,

Thank you. Oh, shes cute.

Oh, shes nice.

[Angela]
Thank God we finally got here,
huh?

[Alexa]
I know, it smells
so good in here.

[Angela]
Ah, it smells so nice.

Oh, look. Moms here,
Moms here.

Oh, my God.

[squeals]
[Rod]
Oh, my God.

Hi.

You look so good, Mom.

[Rod]
Oh, look at the jacket.

You look like you fell down
from heaven.

[Angela]
Im feeling very happy

because I look [bleep]
expensive,

but Im still Angie
from the block.

Look at Rod,
he cant take his eyes off her.

I know, my God, I know
what youre doing tonight.

Rod, what do you think, Rod?
Come on.

Mom, inappropriate.

Wearing uniforms is going
to improve everything.

The uniforms
that he picked out

are the most ridiculous
things youve ever seen.

I wanted a lot of gold.

Team Fraser with
the Matt Fraser font.

[Maria]
Its not professional.

Its [bleep] ugly.

Turn around.

This is whats on our t‐shirts.

I actually kinda like
the crystal wings

on the back, um, if it wasnt
on a [bleep] jacket.

Its like the mullet
of jackets.

Its like business in the front
and then party in the back.

I hate it.

[Matt]
These are our new uniforms.

No more slippers.

[Sharon]
I am all for it.
[Matt] Fraser fabulous.

With these uniforms
were creating a brand.

Fraser fabulous.

Fraser fabulous.

Not involved.

[all]
Fraser fabulous.

I know how powerful
my gift is.

The sky is the limit,

and I talk to dead people,

so we can go even
further than that.

Fraser fabulous.

Come on, Maria.
Fraser fabulous.

What are you opening up
over there?

No, I cant.

Whats wrong
with my [bleep] family?

People say to me all the time,
"You are such a good looking
man."

Youre so humble, Matt.

I am [bleep] good looking,
Im sorry.

Okay.

Your mothers got the girdle on
when Im connecting.

Shes like me.
I just got myself a pair
of mens Spanx.

Oh‐ho.

I dont care if they
call me a scam artist,

but if they [bleep] call me fat,
Im gonna [bleep] cry.

Im doing the pageant,
again, this year.

[man]
Maybe we can get Matt
and you together.

Theres another pageant queen
in the house

that Im trying
to compete with.

I am royalty.

Were the Frasers,
were checking in.

My family working with me is
the biggest pain in the ass.

Lick‐a‐my‐balls.

Let me in, its your mother.

Is that our door?

Moms moving back
to Rhode Island.

This is, like,
a little bit too close.

That was a little
too far away.

Dad doesnt get fully what I do.

No one does.

My father is a skeptic.

I dont want to hear
that kind of crap.

We are polar opposites.

I have to go up the side
of a [bleep] mountain,

like Brokeback Mountain.

You never saw
Brokeback Mountain, did you?

I want to propose to Alexa.

Wow, can you believe
this [bleep]?

[laughs] Not like that.
I think I ripped
my scrotum.

I cant believe Matthew
trusts all these idiots
to, like, not blow this.

Dont go into bitch mode.
I dont know.

I live in bitch mode.

[Matt]
Theres a major problem.

What?

Im praying that my parents
dont [bleep] this up.

What is going on?