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1
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,885
Here it is, my 35th book.
2
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,421
-"How to Write How-To Books."
-[ Laughs ]
3
00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,825
Dick, why do you have
so many?
4
00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:02,760
Well, these are-- are for,
you know,
5
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:05,097
to-- to give to family
and friends.
6
00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:07,199
That doesn't mean we have
to take one, does it?
7
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:13,671
Phew. And congratulations.
8
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:16,808
Oh, Michael.
9
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:20,112
I have to ask you a question
about your TV station.
10
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,947
Last night while I was watching
Barnaby Jones ,
11
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,916
there was an ad for the news
that said,
12
00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:28,453
"President dead:
details at 11."
13
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:30,722
So I had to stay up
to watch the news.
14
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,324
I mean, that kind
of shook me up.
15
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,126
Turned out that the president
who was dead
16
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:35,427
was Calvin Coolidge.
17
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:38,796
So?
18
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:42,634
Well, somehow
that didn't seem right.
19
00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:43,835
Well, it is right, George.
20
00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,870
I mean, Cal has said
adios to Earth.
21
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,508
But I thought you meant
our current president.
22
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:54,579
Michael, did-- did WPIV run
a promo like that?
23
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,980
We call them "teasers", Dick.
24
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:57,482
There's nothing like them
to boost ratings
25
00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:58,350
on a slow news day.
26
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,087
But it's--
it's deceiving. It's--
27
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,457
it's dishonest.
It's-- it's despicable.
28
00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:08,092
And it works.
[ Giggles ]
29
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,661
Besides, Dick,
look at it this way.
30
00:02:09,696 --> 00:02:11,329
Cal hasn't been in the news
much lately.
31
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:12,531
I'm sure he appreciated
the mention.
32
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,534
Well, Michael,
how can you do that?
33
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:16,701
Well, I didn't write it, Joanna.
34
00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:18,603
I just came up
with the concept to mislead
35
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,071
and told the news department
to run with it.
36
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:22,674
Michael,
37
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,311
people are talking
about the news and...
38
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,679
there are books here.
39
00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:28,446
Let's go.
40
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:30,715
Okay, Steph.
41
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:32,417
Hope you enjoy the news
tonight, George.
42
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:34,152
I'm not going to watch it.
43
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:34,719
Oh, really?
44
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,821
Wait till you see
tonight's teaser.
45
00:02:36,856 --> 00:02:38,756
I hear the writers really
came up with a doozy.
46
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,293
[ Sighs ]
47
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:45,597
You know, I like being a fan of
Buddy Ebsen, but at what price?
48
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:57,775
Hi. I'm Larry.
49
00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:58,910
This is my brother Darryl,
50
00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,378
and this is my other
brother Darryl.
51
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,481
I thought I recognized
you guys.
52
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,419
We're here
with an announcement.
53
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,020
We've decided to have a child.
54
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,326
Wha-- What?
55
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:16,728
It occurred to us
56
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,863
that our biological clocks
are tickin',
57
00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:20,164
and we don't have
much time left.
58
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,869
Uh, that's great, guys.
59
00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:26,037
Yeah. Yeah.
60
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:32,176
Uh... how-- you-- how are--
how are you, uh...?
61
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,981
How are you planning on,
you know, going--
62
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:37,915
going about that?
63
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,353
Well, we thought
about stickin' with tradition
64
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:42,754
and havin' one with a woman,
65
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,224
but so far we haven't
been able to coax one
66
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,859
into holy wedlock.
67
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:48,960
Not even "The Face."
68
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,098
Seems the only way
we've been able
69
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,867
to turn a woman's head
is by yellin',
70
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:56,934
"Look out behind you."
71
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,472
Anyway,
72
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:05,543
in our longin' to be dads,
we've decided to adopt.
73
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,712
We hear there's a desperate need
for parents.
74
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,848
Prob-- Probably
not that desperate.
75
00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:16,821
Guys, I-- I don't want
to discourage you
76
00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:18,156
or anything but, um,
77
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,259
um, I mean, do--
do you think maybe a--
78
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:24,663
a-- a kitten might solve
your problem?
79
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:27,732
I don't think so.
80
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,068
Although Darryl here could teach
a young feline
81
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,637
a thing or two
about catchin' mice.
82
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:35,774
Come on, Darryl.
83
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:39,277
I'm sure one look at our
sincere, worldly-wise faces,
84
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:40,244
and it's in the bag.
85
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:42,514
Oh, which reminds me:
86
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,148
when we go
to the adoptin' agency,
87
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:45,850
we gotta remember
to bring the sack,
88
00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:47,885
so we'll have somethin'
to carry the baby home in.
89
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:53,425
Dick, no adoption agency
would actually
90
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,659
give them a child?
91
00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:58,930
I think on the list
of desirable parents,
92
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,499
they would come
somewhat after...
93
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,000
90-year-olds,
94
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:06,571
crazy people,
and childless wolf couples.
95
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:15,380
You know, I hope we don't end up
competin' for the same kid.
96
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,816
I mean, I don't think
you'd stand much chance
97
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,384
what with it bein' three to two.
98
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,589
Larry, Darryl, and... Darryl?
99
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:25,423
That's us.
100
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,063
Now, behave yourself
in there, Darryl.
101
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,666
And remember, there's only
three ways to get a baby:
102
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:37,769
by a woman, by adopting,
or by a star in the East.
103
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,907
Frankly, I think
this is our best shot.
104
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,279
Hi, I'm Kristi Gastetter.
105
00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:49,347
Hi.
106
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:52,016
Are you the lady that's gonna be
deliverin' our baby?
107
00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:52,751
[ Laughs ]
108
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,151
Well, we'll see.
109
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:54,886
[ Chuckles ]
110
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:55,754
Please have a seat.
111
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:08,700
Um, I see by your application
that you have two businesses;
112
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,969
the Minuteman Caf�
and Anything For a Buck?
113
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,039
That's right.
114
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:18,643
We can get you franchise
information if you're
interested.
115
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,912
Oh, well, not right now.
116
00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:24,382
And, um, I see that
the three of you are single,
117
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:27,218
so I take it that there would be
no women in the household.
118
00:06:27,253 --> 00:06:29,387
Well, that's probably true.
119
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,588
Though you never know,
120
00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,557
"The Face" could still
come through for us.
121
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,097
Uh... um,
122
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,266
maybe-- maybe you should tell me
123
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:45,503
a little bit about why
you'd like to have a child.
124
00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,405
Well, we wanna have
a little someone
125
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:48,673
to show how to fish,
126
00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:50,442
how to play ball,
127
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,077
how to spit into the wind
and duck.
128
00:06:57,717 --> 00:06:59,317
I think I've got
enough information.
129
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,852
Thank you.
We'll let you know.
130
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:03,254
When?
131
00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:05,022
We was all prepared
to take him home today.
132
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,095
Well, I'm afraid
that won't be possible,
133
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,063
but I have your number,
134
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,665
and I'll call as soon
as we know.
135
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:16,868
You know already, don't ya?
136
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,404
You're not gonna
give us any baby.
137
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,307
For some strange reason,
you think we wouldn't
138
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,275
make good fathers.
139
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,043
But you're wrong.
140
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,546
Darryl and I'd make
perfect pappys.
141
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,716
I mean, a part of us
is kids ourselves,
142
00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:34,118
but enough of us is adults
so you could trust us.
143
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,253
And I guarantee
144
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,455
he'd be enterin'
a happy home.
145
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:42,426
How many little babies got that
goin' for 'em from the get-go?
146
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,462
Look, I appreciate
your feelings,
147
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,163
-but there are certain things--
-Please.
148
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,503
As you can see,
we'll beg if we have to.
149
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,038
Oh. Well...
150
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:03,915
Good morning, George.
151
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,584
I can't remember the last time
you missed breakfast.
152
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,621
I know. I had to stay up late
and watch the stupid news.
153
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:15,026
He, uh-- He got you again, huh?
154
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:16,895
I was in my room
155
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,797
enjoying one of my favorite
Barnaby episodes:
156
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:23,067
Honeymoon with Death.
157
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:25,970
It's one of the later episodes
158
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:29,240
where Lee Meriwether's wearing
the more tailored clothes.
159
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:34,746
Anyway, I was just sitting back,
enjoying a soda
160
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,549
when one of those teasers
came on.
161
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,116
What, uh-- What was it?
162
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:42,486
"Soda found contaminated.
Details at 11."
163
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,324
Dick, the whole front
of my TV got schpritzed.
164
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,828
I had to stay up past my bedtime
165
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,931
to find out if I was
going to live or not.
166
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,668
Then it turned out
that the contaminated soda
167
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,904
was just somebody left
an open can out all night,
168
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,606
came back,
and found a bug in it.
169
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,076
I'm getting pretty sick
of those teasers.
170
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,779
Well, George, I-- I don't know
what else you can do, uh,
171
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,414
except... giving up
Barnaby Jones .
172
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,617
Huh, it's easy for you
to say, Dick.
173
00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:13,952
You've got a wife.
174
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,432
Oh, no, it can't be.
175
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:34,138
Guys, does this mean the agency
gave you a child?
176
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:36,841
No, it means we just bought out
Dutch Masters.
177
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:40,244
Of course we got a kid.
178
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,516
Where-- Where is it?
179
00:09:45,551 --> 00:09:46,784
Outside somewhere.
180
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:50,622
Outside somewhere?
181
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:51,422
Oh, I know.
182
00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:53,190
Can't wait to be introduced,
huh?
183
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,326
Okay, we'll go see if we
can find the little Dickens.
184
00:09:57,897 --> 00:09:59,998
Well, they-- they seem
to be doing a--
185
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,033
a great job of parenting so far.
186
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:04,201
[ Clears throat ]
187
00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:12,276
It's a boy.
188
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:18,516
Well, what do you think?
189
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,654
He's-- He's, uh--
He's-- He's big.
190
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,824
Yep, 155 pounds, 3 ounces.
191
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,930
Well, you'd... better hope
he never needs burping.
192
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,300
His name's Ted.
193
00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:36,868
Hi.
194
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,136
Hi, Ted.
195
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:42,606
Nice to meet you. I'm Joanna,
and this is my husband, Dick.
196
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,041
Hi.
197
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,178
Or-- Or should I say,
"goochie goochie goo?"
198
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,182
How old are you, Ted?
199
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:51,983
Almost 18.
200
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:53,951
I'll-- I'll go with "hi".
201
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:58,056
I thought you were
going to adopt a baby?
202
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:01,025
Well, Ted was as young
as they'd give us.
203
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,394
For some reason,
204
00:11:03,429 --> 00:11:05,730
they thought the fact that
he was legal next month
205
00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:07,498
made him the perfect choice
for us.
206
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,401
The agency needed a bed and...
207
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,103
I thought it'd be nice
to finally go somewhere
208
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,137
I was really wanted.
209
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,006
Even if it was just for a month.
210
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:17,474
You'd-- You'd think so.
211
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:23,581
Well...
[ Chuckles ]
212
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,850
Congratulations to all of you!
213
00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:27,985
Well, we'd better get goin'.
214
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,687
We got a bassinet
to reinforce.
215
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,390
Oh, and, uh, Ted,
216
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:35,693
we're here.
217
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:37,829
Night or day.
218
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:47,004
Dick, Joanna, good news.
219
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,173
I just finished watching
Barnaby Jones,
220
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,674
and I'm going right to bed.
221
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,212
That is good news, George.
222
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,715
So the teaser
for the 11 o'clock report
223
00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:58,883
didn't grab you tonight?
224
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,985
Not a bit.
I couldn't care less.
225
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:02,220
What was it, George?
226
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,320
Oh, something like, uh,
227
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,824
"Beautiful town
socialite elopes."
228
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:07,658
[ Door opening ]
229
00:12:07,693 --> 00:12:08,726
Stephanie!
230
00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:13,264
Michael! What is it?
231
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,966
Oh, Stephanie,
thank God you're here.
232
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,600
Wait-- Wait-- Wait a minute.
233
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,169
Oh, phew. No rice.
234
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,738
Michael! You mussed me!
235
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:21,739
Oh, I'm sorry, Steph.
236
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,274
I'm just so glad to see you.
237
00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:27,178
Watch a little TV tonight,
Michael?
238
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:29,446
Maybe see a news teaser
that said,
239
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,916
"Beautiful town
socialite elopes?"
240
00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:33,317
Michael, is that why
you're here?
241
00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:34,652
You thought that was me?
242
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:36,720
Do you think if it'd been me,
243
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,422
they would've stopped
at just "beautiful"?
244
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,492
I'm sorry, Steph.
I-- I just reacted.
245
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:42,459
[ Sighs ]
246
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,528
I was in the midst
of my creaming regimen.
247
00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:46,497
Now I have to start
all over again.
248
00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:48,499
Next time you have a crisis,
call first?
249
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:52,670
Well, Michael,
250
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,571
I guess maybe you've
learned your lesson
251
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,640
about those news teasers.
252
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:57,341
I sure have.
253
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,944
They're even more powerful
than I thought.
254
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,980
It's gotta be one of the best
promotional tools ever.
255
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,483
I've got a great idea
I'm gonna tell the guys
256
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:07,785
for tomorrow's teaser.
257
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:08,652
"GM cars recalled."
258
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,924
Then we just show these people,
you know, remembering
their cars.
259
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:13,891
[ Giggling ]
260
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:15,392
This is great!
261
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:22,700
Well, George, at least you
don't have to
262
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:23,968
stay up tomorrow night.
263
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,002
Yes, I do.
264
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,470
Why?
265
00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:29,740
I really like to listen to
people talk about their cars.
266
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,381
Hi.
267
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,083
It's the dads.
268
00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:42,086
With tons of pictures
to show you
269
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,120
of our new son.
270
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:47,391
Here he is watchin' Darryl
make breakfast.
271
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:51,395
Here he is coverin' his ears
as Darryl eats breakfast.
272
00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:55,032
So how's it been,
being fathers?
273
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,000
Just like we dreamed.
274
00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,904
Although, there have been
a few drawbacks.
275
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,272
He don't want anything to do
276
00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:03,174
with all those Pampers
we stockpiled.
277
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,244
They don't ride up
like those jockeys,
278
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:07,011
do they, Darryl?
279
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,618
And Darryl and me
had a big argument
280
00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:15,753
over whether to name him
281
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:18,322
Larry Junior, Darryl Junior,
or Darryl Junior.
282
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:22,927
And Ted seems to be resistin'
any change.
283
00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:25,096
Well, you know teenagers.
284
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:25,963
Tell me about it.
285
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,066
We've found havin'
a teen in the house
286
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,634
can be kind of tough.
287
00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:32,904
I mean, the loud music,
the constant partyin';
288
00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:33,905
he don't like it much.
289
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,411
But you wanna know
the biggest drawback?
290
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,281
He's only ours
for three weeks.
291
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,350
I mean, how are we supposed
to do everything
292
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,052
a father's supposed to do
in three weeks?
293
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:49,987
Besides,
294
00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:52,323
the shorter he stays,
295
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:53,724
the longer we're gonna miss him.
296
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,193
DICK: You know, Larry,
297
00:14:57,363 --> 00:15:01,265
things in life are-- are gone
be-- before you know it.
298
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:03,734
You mean like blank paper
in Stephen King's house?
299
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:10,975
Exactly.
300
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,212
And, uh, sometimes
all you can do is
301
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,416
make the most of-- of the time
you have with someone.
302
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,217
And that's what I think you--
303
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,919
you should do with Ted.
304
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,321
Hm. Darryl?
305
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:26,958
Darryl thinks you're wise
beyond your years.
306
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:28,559
Well...
307
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,726
[ Chuckles ]
308
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,862
And Darryl thinks you like
the sound of your own voice.
309
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:36,667
Either way,
we're goin' for it.
310
00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:39,070
We're gonna jam pack
18 years of fatherhood
311
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,071
into three weeks.
312
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:41,872
Come on, Darryl.
313
00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:43,441
Let's go find Larry Junior.
314
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,212
Darn, I thought
I could slip it by.
315
00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:56,887
Come on, Ted, finish up
your dinner.
316
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:58,122
We got other things to do.
317
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,391
Do I really have to finish this?
318
00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:03,560
Ted, porcupine is one
of nature's most perfect foods.
319
00:16:05,331 --> 00:16:07,164
It's tasty,
and when you're done,
320
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,932
there's quills
to pick your teeth with.
321
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,106
Darryl.
322
00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:18,709
I knew you'd be the one
to spoil him.
323
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:22,380
Well, come on, then.
324
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,781
We got some parental
cramming to do.
325
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:28,852
Let's start with a traditional
father/son bonding ritual,
326
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:29,820
playin' ball.
327
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:44,101
[ Ball hits the floor ]
328
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,238
It's okay, Darryl.
329
00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:48,972
You're a good father
in other ways.
330
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:52,209
Okay, measurin' time.
331
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,044
Oh, not again.
332
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:54,845
Guys, I'm not getting
any taller.
333
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,747
Let's let the door-jamb decide.
334
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:05,956
Same as before.
335
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,962
Wait, maybe you--
you should check again.
336
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,000
Look at that.
337
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,402
He's growed that much.
338
00:17:20,806 --> 00:17:22,706
Don't be picky, Darryl.
We'll take it.
339
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,513
Okay, now, facts of life talk.
340
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:30,714
Oh, that's okay.
341
00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:32,483
I think I got this one covered.
342
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:35,453
Ted, this is an important moment
between fathers and son.
343
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:39,723
Now, since we have to
cram all this in,
344
00:17:39,758 --> 00:17:41,525
we'll give you
the condensed version.
345
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:42,226
Girls:
346
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,095
watch out for 'em.
347
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,001
Okay, here's some crayons
and paper.
348
00:17:51,036 --> 00:17:53,204
We're lookin' for something
to put up on the refrigerator.
349
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,241
Hi. Ted, am I early?
350
00:17:57,276 --> 00:17:59,910
Oh, uh, a little bit,
but that's okay.
351
00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:02,179
Uh, Liz, this is my
father Larry,
352
00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:03,247
this is my father Darryl,
353
00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:04,648
and this is my other
father Darryl.
354
00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:08,619
This is Liz. She--
She's in my history class.
355
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:09,320
Hi.
356
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,089
I-- I've got a date tonight.
357
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,390
We're guessin' with her?
358
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,026
Yeah.
359
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,562
Perfect timin' on that
facts of life talk, Darryl.
360
00:18:23,869 --> 00:18:26,203
Could we have a talk
with her?
361
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:27,070
Sure.
362
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,107
You're not plannin' on
chewin' him up
363
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,408
and spitting him out,
are ya?
364
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,844
Uh, no.
365
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:36,713
She seems nice.
366
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,851
Well, great. Uh, what time
do I have to be home?
367
00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:42,853
Oh, we don't have to
decide that now.
368
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:43,454
What do you mean?
369
00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:45,656
You don't think we're gonna
miss out
370
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,324
on our son's first date, do ya?
371
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:51,895
[ Camera flash going off ]
372
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:04,675
Uh, hi.
373
00:19:05,211 --> 00:19:05,776
Hi, Ted.
374
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,979
You know, this is the first time
I've ever seen you
375
00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:10,714
without your fathers.
376
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:11,882
Yeah. How-- How did--
377
00:19:11,917 --> 00:19:13,484
How did you manage
to duck 'em?
378
00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:16,787
I ran away from home.
379
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,859
Uh, there's no shortage
of reasons
380
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:26,497
why someone would wanna
get away from there, but, uh...
381
00:19:26,532 --> 00:19:28,732
just out of curiosity, uh,
382
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,033
which one did you pick?
383
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:34,538
I-- I know this is gonna
sound weird,
384
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,473
but they pay too much
attention to me.
385
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,974
I mean, in all the foster homes
I've lived in,
386
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,677
I've never had
this problem before.
387
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,545
I mean, yesterday,
I sneezed once,
388
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,447
and suddenly I was covered
with Vicks.
389
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,652
Sounds like they really
care about you, Ted.
390
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,855
I-- I know they do,
and I like them too.
391
00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:54,191
It's just been a little
too much for me.
392
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,593
Can I stay here?
393
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:56,393
Sure.
394
00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:00,764
Thanks.
395
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,667
Can I have something to eat?
396
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,269
You know, something
that's been inspected?
397
00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:12,643
Sure, we've got something
wrapped and everything.
398
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:13,410
Come on.
399
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,450
Hi. I'm Larry.
400
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:20,551
This is my brother Darryl,
401
00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:21,818
and this is my other
brother Darryl.
402
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,220
Ted's run away from home.
403
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,021
Here's a picture and description
you can use
404
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,023
without the consent
of Major League Baseball.
405
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,363
We, uh-- We--
We don't need this.
406
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,265
Oh. He's already
on the milk carton?
407
00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:39,603
No. He's-- He's-- He's here.
408
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:40,304
Really?
409
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:43,407
Hi.
410
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:44,508
Ted, are you okay?
411
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:47,210
You got that nasty cold.
You shouldn't be out.
412
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:47,778
I-- I'm okay.
413
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:52,115
Ted, we respect
your right to run away,
414
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:55,051
but maybe you could just tell us
what we done wrong
415
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,787
so we won't always
be wonderin'.
416
00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:58,355
You didn't do anything wrong.
417
00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:00,324
Well, we must'a done somethin'.
418
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,859
No. It-- It--
It just isn't fair to you.
419
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,162
I mean, I'm only here
for a-- a month,
420
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,764
and you guys have
a whole lifetime
421
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:07,631
of caring to give a son.
422
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,168
I just couldn't take all that
all at once.
423
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:12,169
It's not your fault.
424
00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:13,270
You're right.
425
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:14,037
It's his.
426
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:17,474
What?
427
00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:20,611
Well, weren't you the one
that told us
428
00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:23,380
to make the most out of
the time we had with Ted?
429
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:24,815
Well, uh, yeah, but I...
430
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:27,884
Do you get some sort
of perverted pleasure
431
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,286
out of trying to ruin our lives?
432
00:21:32,558 --> 00:21:34,157
Ted, would you give us
another chance
433
00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:36,259
if we promise to follow
our own instincts?
434
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,464
I don't think
I'll be needing this.
435
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,534
But before we go,
436
00:21:43,569 --> 00:21:44,735
something I gotta tell ya.
437
00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:46,370
I know you're not
gonna like it much,
438
00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:48,405
but...I've been accepted
at Yale.
439
00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:50,874
Ted, that's wonderful!
440
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,610
Why-- Why wouldn't
they like that?
441
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:56,046
'Cause he knows it dashes
our hopes
442
00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:57,348
of him becomin' a drifter.
443
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,819
I hope you're not
too disappointed.
444
00:22:01,854 --> 00:22:02,720
Not too much.
445
00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:04,455
I mean, Yale is our alma mater.
446
00:22:07,192 --> 00:22:07,991
[ Clears throat ]
447
00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:10,594
Uh, uh, excu-- uh, excuse me?
448
00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:14,130
Yeah, we janitored there
one summer.
449
00:22:17,135 --> 00:22:20,036
Ted, we know you gotta
go off on your own
450
00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:21,137
like you should,
451
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:24,007
but there's just one thing
we gotta know.
452
00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:25,376
Will we ever see ya again?
453
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:26,943
Of course you will.
454
00:22:27,713 --> 00:22:28,579
You're my dads.
455
00:22:35,388 --> 00:22:36,387
Let's go home.
456
00:22:39,258 --> 00:22:41,258
You know, they grow up so fast.
457
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:46,229
I mean, one minute they're just
comin' into your life,
458
00:22:46,265 --> 00:22:48,699
and then it just seems like
a couple of weeks later,
459
00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:49,966
they're goin' off to college.
460
00:22:55,574 --> 00:22:55,806
Larry,
461
00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:58,776
this is only a
couple of weeks later.
462
00:23:00,145 --> 00:23:00,977
Oh, yeah.
463
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,881
Well, still, it's all I can do
464
00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,582
to keep from breakin'
into a chorus of
465
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:06,817
"Sunrise, Sunset."
466
00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:10,788
Wait, I know.
467
00:23:10,823 --> 00:23:12,823
Darryl, what do you say
we have another one?
468
00:23:53,165 --> 00:23:53,831
Meow.
41894
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