All language subtitles for Newhart S06E12

Once again, let's take
a short break

while Edith catches up
with the minutes.

This is the most boring thing
I have ever sat through.

Stephanie,

the town hall meeting

is one of the purest forms
of democracy in action.

I mean, that's what our
founding fathers had in mind

when they came up with the--

the constitution
and the bill of rights.

Thanks, Dick.

This is now the second-most
boring thing

I've ever sat through.

Stephanie, Dick needs
all the support he can get

for his stoplight.

What's so important
about a dopey stoplight?

Well, it could prevent accidents
and save lives.

Oh.

Well, I guess that's okay
as long as it's quick.

All set, Edith?

"All... set... Edith."
Got it.

The next order of business
is new ordnances.

I recognize Dick Loudon.

Well, you've known him
long enough.

Jim, I asked you not to do
that joke at every meeting,

funny as it is.

I-- I'd like to propose
a stoplight

at the, uh--
at the intersection

of Elm Avenue and, uh,
Meadowview Lane.

Been any accidents there?

Not yet, but there's
a heck of a lot of, uh,

squealing brakes.

Yes?

I am Ed Whitley, I own
Whitley's Brake Service,

and I say let's not rush
into anything here.

This, uh-- this is a wild guess,

but I don't think Mr. Whitley

can be completely objective
about this.

A stoplight, can we afford it?

Yep.

All in favor
of Dick's stoplight?

The ayes have it.
Motion is approved.

Congratulations, honey.
Good, it's good.

Wow.

You just ask for stuff
and you get it.

I'm starting to like democracy.

I'm gonna ask the town council
to give me a raise.

Uh, Steph--

Stephanie, that isn't the way
it goes.

You'd have to work for the city.

You'd have to work for someone.

Yo.

The chair recognizes
Officer Shifflett.

-Well, you've known him--
-Jim!

Hi.

I think you all know me.

I'm custodian of your safety,
guardian of your children.

Your basic man
behind the badge.

I'm here today to ask
for a long-overdue,

and need I say,
well-deserved raise.

Can we afford it?

Not after Dick's stoplight.

Thanks a lot, Loudon.

I just hope I can hear
my police radio

over my stomach growlin'.

So what are you doin' here?

Why aren't you out watchin' cars
come to a full stop?

Look, I-- I-- I know
you must be upset.

Why-- why is a ki--
kid in your cell?

You're lookin' at

Jimmy "Won't Put His Toys Away"
McGuire.

You know the scenario.

Won't eat his vegetables,
won't put away his toys.

Next thing you know

he's prayin' for a call
from the governor.

He's an after school special
just waiting to happen.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, McGuire,
you did your time.

Now,

don't let me see your ugly mug
around here again.

My version of Scared Straight .

Look, uh, I-- I'm sorry about
the stoplight thing,

but, uh, I mean, why didn't you
stand up and--

and fight for your raise?

You were there, Loudon.

They said they didn't have
enough money

after a certain someone
bled the town dry.

Look, there-- there--
there's no reason that they--

they couldn't af--
afford a stoplight and--

and a police force.

You know nothing
about our budgetary woes.

Why do you think
I'm all alone here?

There isn't even enough money
for me to have

a nervous incompetent deputy.

Look, they're-- they're
always claiming they--

they don't have money
for anything.

But wh--why don't you
go back there and--

and ask 'em
for your raise again?

The only place I go
with my hat in my hand

is my barber.

Well, then--
then leave your hat on.

And-- and--
and don't ask, demand.

I mean, this--
this town needs you.

You're right, Loudon.

[ Drops keys ]

You're lookin'
at yesterday's patsy.

And if you want, I'll--

I'll go down there with you to,
you know, back you up.

Well, thanks all the same.

I think I'm more
imposing on my own.

Hi, hi, Dick.

Oh, Blondie,
your Dagwood's here.

STEPHANIE: Ooh!

[ Giggles ]

Will I ever tire
of seeing you scurry?

No.

[ Giggling ]

Why--
why am I never not here?

Oh, Michael,

I have to tell you
about the town meeting.

It was amazing.

People just asked for things,
and they got them.

It was almost like my childhood.

Gee, when I heard,

"Dick, stoplight, townspeople,"
I figured snore-in.

Don't you get it, Michael?

We can ask for things too.

-Hey, neat!
-[ Chuckles ]

What should we ask for?

How 'bout luggage?

No.

One of the catches
is these requests

have to be more
town-oriented.

What would we like to change
about this town?

How 'bout we change
all the people?

No. We have to be
more realistic.

We can't bring in
all-new people,

much as that would be
a dream come true.

I know!

Let's ask them to get rid
of all the animals.

After all, that's what
makes this place look so rural.

And you realize that
without farm animals,

there'd be no need for farmers.

Or farm clothing!

Oh, Michael,

I'll bet this is just how
New York got started.

Come on.

You can write up the proposal.

Prepare to urbanize, Dick.

Love that scurrying!
[ Giggles ]

Oh, hi.

Did you see Jim and Chester?

At approximately...

13:00 hours,

I confronted Mayor Wanamaker
and his sidekick, Jim.

I reiterated my demands
for a raise

in a civilized
and orderly manner.

And?

And they said... no.

So I told them
I was prepared to walk,

and leave this burg
completely unprotected.

And then what did they say?

They said, "See if we care."

As of this moment,

this town is ripe for pillage.

I am now officially on strike.

I figure four decent-size
moving vans

could make this zip code
cow-free in one afternoon.

The cows are leaving?

Michael and I
are going to propose

to the town council

that they send all the
objectionable animals away.

And cows being the largest
are one of the most noticeable.

Gee, uh, I kinda like this town
the way it is, animals and all.

George, if you look
the other way

and let cows get out of hand,

the next thing you know
you have another India.

Stephanie, have you ever seen
a cow up close?

[ Scoffs ]

George, why do you think

they have fences
around those things?

Would you let me
introduce one to you?

[ Scoffs ]

Right.

And after that we can go
visit sick people.

Stephanie, would you please
do this one for me?

As a friend?

[ Sighs ]

George,

is this one of those things
that if I don't do it,

you'll be giving me that look
all the time?

[ Sighs ]

Okay, George.

Thanks, Stephanie.

When I'm in the mood,
have the time,

and feel there is

absolutely no chance
I'll get nauseous.

Great. Thursday it is.

Well, how bad can cows be?

I mean, we like them as jackets.

Well, here it is.

One bi-weekly rag removed
from your front lawn,

seconds before the neighborhood
bow-wow claimed it for his own.

Uh, thanks.

Story after story
should paint a picture

of an unprotected town
on the brink of disaster.

They'll be beggin' me
to come back.

The headline says,

"Lumber Surplus."

Uh, I'm afraid
you're gonna have to be

a little more realistic
about the-- the effect

your absence is gonna have.

You're right.

Won't be till tonight
that we're bathed

in the orange glow
of a town in flames.

Oh, hi, Dick.
We were wondering if--

Oh, hello, Mr. Shifflett.

Mr. Penny, Mr. Pincher.

Dick, we wanted you to know
that to keep those

gathering storm clouds at bay,

we've decided to form
a volunteer police department.

And we thought
a scrappy guy like you

would jump at the chance
to join.

So can we count you in?

I, uh-- I-- I don't--
I don't think so.

Scared, huh?

No, I-- I just support
Officer Shifflett's position.

He's not scared,
he's a traitor.

CHESTER: Well, we'd better
go over to the jailhouse

and relieve the others.

Yeah, it's my turn
to wear the badge.

Well,

there goes the ballgame.

If they get to play volunteer
cop it could be months

before they see the light

or killed off
in their own crossfire.

Oh, hello, Officer Shifflett.

Not an officer, ma'am.

Just a gunless, billy club-less
shell of a man.

Dick, he seems down.

Well, it looks
like it's gonna be a while

before the town gives in
to his demands.

Well, then offer him a job here.

Honey, we--
we don't need any help.

That's no reason
not to hire someone.

Well, it--

might take his mind off
his troubles.

And in his present position,
we could--

probably get him for a song.

Dick!

[ Clears throat ]

Hi.

Low.

Sorry.

Just free-associating.

Well,

I'm probably gonna wind up

as those bozo security
night watchmen do.

Might even start
gettin' a belly.

Uh, you know, I've been--
I've been thinking,

you know, with all this--

this free time on--
on your hands--

Try eternity.

Right.

Um, the-- the fact is, you know,
we've been--

we've been looking
for some help around--

you know, around the inn.

Right.

Throw a bone
to the pitiful loser

on the couch.

No. We-- we really,
really could-- could use
some help.

[ Sighs ]

Listen, I know people,
and I know cons,

and this is third-rate
amateur time conning,

so give it up.

You're giving up already?

Well, you-- you think
I'm conning you.

Yeah, but in my situation

I'm in the mood
to be conned.

Besides, always felt like
I could be a help around here.

Really?

Well, yeah.

You got a truckload of
security problems in this joint.

But I could nix 'em no sweat.

S-- Security problems?

Well, that's what you
need me for, right?

Uh, well...

Because that's what I do.

Anything else, you might
as well snuff me

and stuff my lifeless hunk
in the nearest compactor.

What--

what-- what else would I
be talking about?

Well, great.

I'll go get my stuff.

I'll make this inn safer

than Zeppo in a crowd
of Marx Brothers fans.

Oh, and,

Loudon,

I don't say this often, but...

Well, you know.

Well, Dick, I did it.

Tell him what I showed you,
Stephanie.

A cow.

Roberta.

Um, up close?

Well,

as close as we could get

since Stephanie refused
to get out of the car.

Well, I-- I don't--

I don't blame you,
Stephanie.

I, uh-- I-- I know I roll up
my windows

whenever I drive through
cow country safari.

Tell Dick the rest, Stephanie.

All right.

She has the biggest, most
beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

Except for mine, of course.

And those lashes, I would--

I know people who would kill
for those lashes.

So, uh, how did you leave it
with Roberta?

I told her she could stay.

What a-- what about
the rest of the animals?

Well, instead of meeting
all of them up close,

I decided they could stay too.

I thought I heard

a collective "phew"
from the woods.

This calls for a celebration.

What do you say I go down
to Farmer Gordon

and get some milk
right from Roberta?

And I'll bet you've never tasted
fresh milk before.

Aw, George.
[ Chuckles ]

And I never will.

You have to understand,

Officer Shifflett is
new here.

I am so sorry about
that Danish incident.

Well, it was my fault for
taking more than one.

Hold it.

Think maybe I'd better case
that case.

Officer...

You wanna bet these two

haven't paid for a towel
in 40 years?

Hello.

Taking home a few souvenirs
to keep the memories

warm and fresh, Futterman?

Officer Shifflett,
that's not our towel.

Oh, we wouldn't take
one of your towels.

They're a little small.

Obviously you weren't put off
by the size of the soap.

Please, Mr. and Mrs. Futterman,
take the soap

with our compliments.

All right.

But don't let me catch you
showerin' with it in my town.

Why'd you stop me?

No tellin' what I
could've turned up

with a strip search.

Well, I'd better get back on
...Danish patrol.

Dick, remember when I told you
to hire Officer Shifflett?

Well, I'm withdrawing
the suggestion.

Honey, I can't fire him.

The-- the-- the town
made him feel like

he-- he isn't needed.

Then, he's probably
used to the feeling.

Dick, he is ruining business.

Jo-- Joanna, be patient.

I mean, the-- the-- the town
is-- is bound to buckle.

I mean, there must be
some crime that will--

will scare them at--
at some point.

[ Sighs ]

"Hooligans...

Paint Parking Meter Red."

"One passerby, who asked
that his name be withheld,

said that he thought the color
spruced up

an otherwise drab corner."

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Here's-- here's something.
O--O-- Officer Shifflett!

Yo.

Right here on Page 1.

"Snowblower Reported Stolen."

South side of town.
I'm not surprised.

"Clair and Gus Doria reported
their snowblower stolen.

After a careful investigation
by concerned neighbors...

...the blower was discovered
in their back yard

under an exceptionally
high drift."

Darn!

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe this town
doesn't need me.

They'd probably do just as well
with old man Hopkins,

the school crossing guard.

He has his own uniform
and he knows the streets.

Ah, what the hell am I
gettin' misty-eyed for?

The town's loss is your gain.

Dick?

[ Sighs ]

Off-- Officer Shifflett, um,
could-- could we talk?

Excuse me, honey.

Uh, ab-- about-- about your--
your job here at--

here at the, uh, at the--

at the Stratford--

Could-- could I--
could I see that?

Why not? Safety is on.

Why-- why don't I, uh--

why-- why don't I just
put it over here?

[ Chuckles ]

Now...

about-- about--
your-- your job.

[ Sighs ]

Officer Shifflett,
are we glad to see you!

Did you read
about the crime spree?

What-- what crime spree?

Gee, Dick.

Take an interest
in your community.

A parking meter
has been vandalized.

Somebody painted it
bright red.

Thank God it spruced up
the corner,

but if it had been
any other color...

I knew this was comin'.

First painted meters,
then graffiti,

next thing you know

it's West Side Story without
the singin' and dancin'.

We had an emergency
town council meeting,

and we voted unanimously

to buckle
under to your demands.

[ Chuckles ]

I knew you'd blink first.

It doesn't matter who blinked.

The-- the important thing is
is that you're back patrolling

that-- that asphalt jungle.

Right.

Of course, Dick, we had to lose
your stoplight.

What?

We're going with a stop sign.

And with the money we save,
we can give

Officer Shifflett his raise.

Well, a stop sign
is fine with me.

It is?

Gee, Dick, if you'd said that
in the first place,

we could've avoided
this whole mess.

He probably set
the whole thing up

to get some cheap security help
for his inn.

That's okay.

I'm not one to hold a grudge.

For long.

[ Chuckles ]

It's good to be back.

To tell you the truth,

I felt naked
without the shield.

Well, gentlemen,
I'd love to schmooze.

But there's a maniac loose
trying to paint my town red.

Shouldn't be hard
to find the culprit.

There are little red footprints
all around the meter.

Oh, it's, uh,
probably just kids.

I mean, when, you know--
when we were that age, we--

we'd indulge in a lot
of harmless tomfoolery.

I never did.

Me either.

That would be wrong.

Kids or maybe some middle-aged
delinquent with small feet.

Lift 'em, Loudon.

Meow.