All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S02E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Hi.
- Hi.

- We wanted to purchase
a plane.

- An airplane?
- Yes.

It's just that we invited
axl rose and tyrese

Onto our plane,
and they did some "dermage."

- Yar.

- Well, I'm so sorry to hear
about your plane,

But we don't sell whole planes.
We just sell seats.

- Okay, let us purchase two
first-class tickets, please,

To dubai.
- Dubai.

- We need to get
to the dubai film festival.

- Mm-hmm.
- We've got a short-sub doc

About the plight
of the iraqi people

Who live in beverly hills.

- Okay, well, I have
one flight left out to dubai.

It leaves in an hour
and a half.

And I have two seats
available

In coach.

[dramatic crescendo]
- okay.

- I mean, it's ironic
that we're flying coach

To the middle east,

Because I "derfinitely"
feel like a martyr.

- Oh, my goobers.
What is this?

Oh...
- We forgot that we have to

Go through security.

- I'm sorry,
do we still have to do this

If we know god is dead?

- You know what, wendalls?
We've gotta get rid

Of a few things.
- Yeah.

Okay...Whale ambien.

- You can take that, right?

I mean, it's in the shape
of a crescent moon.

It would be respectful.

Bye-burr.

- Fun gun.
- Now, wait.

Is that our actual gun,
or is that gun we use

To shoot schneef
right into our bloodstream?

- No, this is super heavy.
I think it's real.

- Yeah, this is real.
- Bye.

- Burr-burr.
[gunshot]

- Original costumes from
the motion picture dick tracy.

- No, keep those.

Boo-yaka-shah.

- Omg!

- Hey, tom thanks,
let's do a forrest bump.

- Mmm.
- [snorts]

[coughs]
ooh...

- Ahh!
Schneef. It's what's for dinner.

- [chuckles]
the other white schneef.

- Ooh.
- Okay, rest in schneef.

I'm good.

- Hello, gentlemen.

I just want to remind you
you are sitting

In an emergency exit row.

Are you willing
and able to assist

In the event of an emergency?

- Yar. Yar.

- Can you operate
the emergency door?

- Uhhhh...
[both laugh]

- Can you operate
the emergency door?

- Aah!

- Just a "yes."

- Definitely.
- Turtally.

[both laughing]
- I'm sorry?

- Definitely.
- Turtally.

- Say yes.
- Yarn!

- Does--does that mean yes?
- Yeah.

[dubstep music]

♪

- Being a teenager, like,
kids are hitting puberty

And it's like that first stage
of becoming a werewolf,

Where they're sorta...
[groans]

Their knuckles are,
like, curling.

They're just like...
[groans]

And they're just like...
"uh...I don't want dinner.

I'll be in my room.

Yo, what's up, tv? I'm c-czar.
Blah! Blah! Blah!

I'm about to become
a teenage dad.

And now, if I wanna be
in my baby's life,

I need to learn
a whole new set of skills.

Welcome to dad academy.

- Doctor. Doctor.

- Oh, snap, it's dr. Armond.

- You got that right,
homeboy.

I'm the cool cucumber.

- Oh, you stick it up your own
ass, you weird gay dude?

- I know that you had
a troubled upbringing,

So I don't take offense
at any of the things

That you're trying
to say to me.

As a doctor and a father,

I've learned never
to lose my cool.

- Oh, you're talking about
losing your cool?

What about when you lost your
cool and you killed your wife?

- I did not murder my wife,
c-czar.

- Can I straight up tell you
if I murdered someone,

I would make a rap video
about it and put it on youtube

So everyone knew
I was crazy hard.

But I don't have murder
inside of me.

What's it like to be inside
the mind of a killer, armond?

- My lawyer said that I didn't
need to answer those questions.

I was told that
I would come on the show today

As a dad expert,
not as someone on trial.

- Yo, straight up,
dr. Armond,

I can't see you.
Hold up.

- If I had murdered her,
I would have been enraged.

I'm not--I don't-

- That's why I turned
the monitor around,

For you to say
some dumbass [bleep]?

- I've come on this show to
teach you to be a better father.

And you little toilet baby,
you piece of [bleep]...

Hmm. I won't react.

- I will.
- Aah!

I'm "the belt."

- Nice try, small fry.

- In one state,
the tale of two big cities...

- The city of brotherly love.
- Welcome to the 'burgh.

- With two even bigger
personalities.

- I'm murph,
owner and operator

South philly murph's
pawn shop on south street.

Here in philly,
I got all the business

And women I can handle.
[tires screech]

- If you're looking for
something steelers,

Pirates, penguins,
we got all that crap

Down at don's pawn.

Oh, that's good as hell.

Welcome...
- Welcome...

To pawnsylvania.

- You're coming by tomorrow

To pick up them laundries,
aren't you, anyway?

- Oh, yeah, I gotta get
them laundries.

[phone ringing]
- hello?

- Murph. Don.

- What's up, don?
You want advice

On how to win
a world series?

- Pbbbt. No, I'm calling
to give you advice

On how to win one super bowl...
Ever.

- I got a pawn shop
to run here, don.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't know
anything about that.

Listen, jaggoff,
I got a whole treasure trove

Of philly magazines, okay?

One of 'em's got a picture
of darren daulton in a tux

Eating a hotdog.

- That one where he got
the mustard on his face?

- Yeah, that's the one.

- Oh, that would move here
for sure.

[baseball music]

Now that you mention it,
I get them slacks worn

By jean claude van damme
in that movie sudden death.

[exciting music]

- Double yoi!
A pittsburgh classic.

- Every piece of [bleep]'s
a classic in pittsburgh.

- [laughs]

- Well, I got something
I could sell there.

You got something
you could sell here.

- Yeah? What of it?

- [whispers]
swap shops.

- Don, I just had
a home run idea.

Why don't we swap shops?

- Sounds good.

Pookie?
- Yeah.

- I'm philly-bound.

Will you pack me
a chip-chop ham sandwich?

- What is "double yoi"?

- Double yoi. Double yoi.
God rest your soul.

Myron cope was the steelers
announcer for years and years,

And he used to say "yoi"
and "double yoi"

Whenever the steelers would
do something, I think, bad.

But it might have been good.

Both: Oh, hello.

- Of course,
I'm gil faizon.

- And I'm george st. Geegland.

- And this is a new episode
of "too much tuna."

- So what's up,
all you tunaheads?

- Let's take a moment
of silence

For our producer,
len lumpkin,

Who died this week
from car accident

Followed by aneurysm.

- He was in a car accident.
He was okay.

A moment of silence.

[slurping]

Because len's dead,
we have a new crew member

Taking his place.
Nora?

- Nora.
- Nora.

- It's act--
it's actually "noah."

- Oh, you're noah.

Sometimes gil's gonna have
dementia,

And you're gonna have
to shave him in the morning.

- Yeah, I gotta do it
in bathtub

So I can look
at the hairs float.

- This week's episode
is gonna be extra special.

- Yeah, 'cause somebody's
getting pranked,

And they don't know
about it yet.

- So tuna in to see who's
gonna get pranked.

How odd, it's just the two of us
sitting here

On "too much tuna."

- Yeah, with nobody...

Getting pranked.

- Well, as long
as we're waiting for, uh...

Our prank guest, why don't we
have a little lunch?

Oh, ho, ho!
What is the meaning of this?

- This is supposed to go
in front of him.

- What is this?
No, I don't want--

- No, I think
there's a problem here

'cause this is supposed
to be...

- No, actually, I think...
- In front of him.

- This is supposed to be
over here.

- Because if you look
at this--

I'm not supposed to have this
[mutters] in one week.

- This is not for me.
I don't want this.

Ida, this is not supposed
to be here.

I'm not gonna have it.

- I'm supposed to give this
to him.

- You've got too much tuna.

- What do you think's happening
the other way around here?

- Nothing's happening.
I got a potato bun.

There's something under it.
I'm not even looking.

I don't even care.

- The tables have turned,
friend.

There's a whole mountain
of tuna fish

Right in front of you.

Look what's happened here.
- Uh-oh.

- It's--
it's too much tuna.

- It's two...Much tuna.

- It's--I've been pranked.
It's too much tuna.

- You're born a schmuck
and you'll die a schmuck.

Welcome to hell, idiot.

[upbeat orchestral finish]

- Yeah, sometimes when I'm alone
I'll make up songs to myself.

- Uh-huh.
- Um, and then,

Enough time will pass,
and they'll become,

Like, real songs
in my mind,

And I'll remember one
from a long time ago,

As if it were a song
that exists, but it doesn't.

- And can we hear
one of those?

- Well, the number one hit song
out of all the songs

That I've ever made up
goes like this.

♪ some people like to see me
do my thing ♪

♪ some people like to see me
move around ♪

- [laughs]

- That's a song
that I made up.

- So basically, it's day one
of the shop swap.

I'm good to go,
but don I'm worried about.

Things move pretty fast
in philadelphia,

Like jimmy rollins
stealing home. [chuckles]

- Ha ha!
What's up here, boy?

Nice little gun here.
[gunshot]

These aren't used
for anything but, like,

Clandestine murder, so we don't
really do this, dude, sorry.

I'm racist,
but, like, you seem cool.

[dog whines]

Assalam alaikum.
- Yeah, where's murph at?

- Hey, what's up?
Are you meredith?

- No, I'm theresa.
Who's meredith?

- I don't know, but someone
named meredith came by

And left this sexy note for don.
- What? Are you kidding me?

What a dirt!
- No, theresa,

You got nothing to worry about.
That's ain't sexy.

- We're supposed to go up
to king of prussia mall.

We've got tickets to see
the philly phanatic.

- She needs to chill out.

- Who's this jokester?
- [chuckles]

- This is murph's cousin.

- Don.
- He's from pittsburgh.

- He gets the job done.
[laughs]

- Yo, you gotta be careful
with that, okay,

'cause murph associates with
a lot of ladies around here.

He gets more crack
than the liberty bell.

[chuckles]
- all right, shut up.

- Hey, beautiful,
I never noticed

That phillies-red hair
of yours.

- [chuckles]
[phone rings]

Hey, babe.
- Hey, pookie.

Is my cousin getting nubby
on you?

'cause he does,
swear to god,

I'll kill him.

- No, he's harmless.
- Hey, beautiful...

Tell him I'm getting
real comfortable here.

I might just
steal you away.

- Tell don jr. I said shut up.

- Don says shut up.
He loves you.

- Hey, where's the john
in this john?

- Oh, it's in the back.
- I love you.

I miss watching you
dip french fries in mayo.

I miss deb.

She's a smiley face
on my cookie.

I need her in my life
or I don't feel complete.

With don in town,
it's different.

It's just like
a whole other vibe.

You know, he's, like,
from another country.

Uh, looking to sell this
crocheted steelers

Tissue box cover
I told don about.

[Monday night football theme]

- Uh-uh.
I don't think so.

We've got enough steelers
crocheted stuff already.

Money for that crap?
That's the kind of attitude

That sunk both my brothers'
weight-lifting gyms.

- Why don't you go back
to philly,

And don come back
to pittsburgh?

- I mean, if that's how don's
running things here,

What the hell's he doing
with my shop?

- So this is aluminum
with mother of pearl,

And then this is
cubic zirconia with candy.

- What youse want?

- Just looking around
at your stereos.

- Cool, man.
Can I interest you

In a 1995 darren daulton
philly magazine?

It's a classic shot.

[baseball music]

- Gimme your money, man!
- Whoa, dude, whoa!

- Get down on the ground.
I'm robbing this joint!

- You know, there's a reason
why they call this town

Filth-a-delphia.
It's 'cause it's scum.

- Get down!
- Whoa!

- I'm robbing this joint.

- We're already being robbed.

Can you go down the street?

This is a pretty good
location, so you know,

The pro is that people come
and browse around,

But the con is just
getting double-robbed.

- I'm not gonna get shot
for this bullcrap, all right?

- He ain't gonna shoot you.

They know the rules.

- Listen, jeff,
you ever been in love?

- No, I haven't.

- That's the difference
between you and me, dude.

I've found
what's really important,

And I'm not willing to risk that
for some pawn shop, okay?

[gunshot]
- [bleep]

- We always get robbed
on fridays.

- Have you been convicted
of a crime

But can't afford
the legal expenses?

- Hi, I'm ron funches.

Just to be clear,
I am a public defender.

I know what you're saying.
"why does a public defender

Need a commercial?"

The bad news is
you're going to be convicted.

- Guilty!
- We tried.

And if I'm randomly selected
to be your lawyer,

I'll bring you a nice box
of my aunt sandi's

Pecan sandies.

[cell phone rings]

Guess my work's never done.

I have to go meet
with a new client.

Or should I say friend?

- My wife is dead.
I've lost all my money.

I can no longer afford
my high-powered attorney,

And everyone's abandoned me--
that's why I'm here.

- Pecan sandie?

- I'm more of a mint
milano man myself, but--

- So you killed your wife?

- I never laid a hand
on my wife,

Except on occasional
special evenings.

- [laughs]
- [chuckles weakly]

It feels really good
to laugh.

- You look like a highlighter.

- And you look like a hairy
chocolate gummi bear.

- [laughs]

- I gotta tell you,
mr. Funches,

We're gonna laugh all the way
to not going to jail.

- Even though you're not guilty,
I'm gonna take the case.

- Do you have a choice in that?
- No.

- 'cause you're a public
defender.

- Yeah.

- Dr. Armond, please rise.

You stand here accused
of murder in the second degree.

How do you plead?

- Guilty...
Of loving my wife.

- [laughs]

[upbeat wrap-up music]

- I was on youtube
looking at comments,

Which, as you should--
- oh, you can't do that.

- I know.
But I ended up doing it,

And they're all, like,
"oh, this sweaty,

"obese black guy who talks about
black things that have hap--"

Which I don't even really do.

- You don't talk about
black things.

That's why I'm comfortable
with you.

- [laughs]

[exciting big band open]

♪

Both: Oh, hello.

- Okay, so, gil--

So I looked over
your chart--

- Of course,
I'm gil faizon.

- And I'm george st. Geegland
his associate.

- So I looked over your chart,
and you have mercury poisoning.

- Thank you.
- No, actually, it's terrible.

You have high levels
of mercury in your blood,

Which is a very toxic poison.

- And that's what
freddie mercury died of?

- No, he died of aids.

- Right.
He was poisoned by it.

So it was mercury's
poisoning.

- No, actuall--
- we're saying the same thing.

- Can I ask you about
some of your symptoms?

Are you feeling fatigue?
- Yeah.

- Muscle weakness?
- Yeah.

- Okay, any peeling skin?
- Yeah, it peels right off.

- Like wallpaper.

- Well, these are all symptoms
of mercury poisoning, so...

- I don't understand
how you could have this.

You just got a clean bill
of health.

- Yeah. I just went through
a doctors checkup.

- Who was the physician?

- About a month ago,
I saw dr. Wong.

- Lou wong. Yeah.

- Is that your primary
physician?

- He was the primary suspect
in a botched c-section.

- Yeah.
- So he didn't do

Any blood work
or anything?

- Lou wong?
- No, no, no.

He was waving a gun around
and screaming.

Race riot this, race riot that.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna prescribe
a supplement for you

Of selenium,
and I would recommend

That you stop eating
all fish.

- I mean, I eat a little bit
of tuna fish.

- Occasionally tuna fish.
- Occasionally.

- Okay, occasionally.

Um, what does that mean?

- I don't know,
I don't have more than

Three dollops of tuna,
you know, per meal.

- Two, three ice cream
scoop's worth?

- Yeah. I mean, about
a "handsful" is one dollop.

- You have three meals
of tuna fish per day?

- You gotta eat breakfast,
lunch, and dinner, don't you?

- Three squares, or rounds,
if you're talking

About tuna dollops.
- Okay.

- I don't think we've been
eating too much tuna.

- Okay. I recommend
that you should really

Stop eating tuna altogether.

- I don't think
that's too much tuna.

- Well, it--it is.

- I've been eating...
Too much tuna.

[clears throat]
- uh-oh.

- Oh, what could this be?
- What is this?

- What's this?

- What is the meaning
of this?

- What's that?

- It's a very old sandwich.

- You've just been pranked.
- You idiot.

You stupid bitch.

There's a sandwich
on your desk now.

Too much tuna.

[orchestral wind up]

- Right. Well, besides
it being mercury poisoning,

It's actually food poisoning
because

That mayonnaise seems warm.

- I mean,
the mayonnaise is curdled,

But he's built up
a tolerance.

- Well, it doesn't smell good.

- It's turning, isn't it?
- Yeah. And I have--

- Plus, I switched off the a.C.
When I came in.

[upbeat music]

- I was afraid that murph was
getting the wrong impression

Of pittsburgh, so I invited him
over for a home-cooked meal.

- From the moment
I got to pittsburgh,

I wanted to go home.

But now that I'm getting
to know deb a little bit,

Maybe pittsburgh's
not so bad.

Mmm. Okay.

It's crazy, I ain't never had
a salad before.

I mean, one time I ate two
pickles at an eagles game.

- Nuh-uh.
- Yeah.

- That's cool.
- Never had a home-cooked meal.

You know, you'd think
my mom would have done it,

But she got shot in the face
at the ten-year reunion

Of bicentennial.

- Oh, my god,
are you sinserious?

- Fries on a salad?
A-plus.

I'm gonna [bleep] deb.

- I'm worried about murph
in pittsburgh with deb.

He puts his cheez whiz-eating
hands on her at all,

I'm gonna wring his neck.

You know what I'm saying?
He's a sleaze.

- Everyone says
I'm a real good dancer.

- You are really good.
[cell phone vibrating]

- Hey, pookie.
How's it going?

Some scary crap
just went down.

- Get on the ground.
I'm robbing this joint!

- Get down!
I'm robbing this joint!

- Deb always answers the phone
after one ring.

So she didn't this time.
I feel like a jaggoff.

- And the music's over.
Oh, I'm--I can't.

I'm a married lady.

- That's literally never
happened to me before.

- Obviously, murph's, like,
real sexy and cosmopolitan.

But I would never cheat
on my pookie.

Not in my hass.
Not in my ton.

- Don's a lucky man.

I'm gonna get out
of [bleep] pittsburgh.

- Guess I have to take
matters into my own hands.

Both: Oh, hello.

- Of course I'm charmed.
I'm sure gil faizon.

- And I am also at the same time
charmed, I'm sure,

George st. Geegland.

We're the hosts of television's
"too much tuna."

- But there's nothing tuna
about joking around.

- Over a billion people die
of mercury poisoning...

Both: Every year.

- While you're peeing,

Little chunks of tuna fish
come out...

Then you've probably got
an issue.

- You know, they say
that, like,

Jews from new york and l.A.
Kind of run the comedy scene,

But, I mean,
on our staff alone,

There are you guys and one
or two other writers

Who are all from philly
or pittsburgh, so you know...

- Yeah, but you, levenstein,
and krisel are our bosses.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, so...
- Nothing's changed.

[upbeat music]

- Okay, so I couldn't
understand a word

Anybody was saying
in pittsburgh,

So I gos--
I go back to philadelphia.

- So I'm headed back
to the 'burgh to see my pookie.

My cousin
thinks he's real smooth,

Like santana and rob thomas.

I'm gonna teach him
what's up.

Oh, man.

Get ready to die,
you dick!

[tires screech]

Dude!

What's up now, jaggoff?

- Jesus!
- What's up now?

- What are you talking about?
- Huh?

- Don, don, don--
what do you need, man?

- All I know is
I got deb's voicemail.

I ain't never got
deb's voicemail.

What did you do with my wife?

- Dude, cousin code, bro.

- Ain't no code.

You touch my wife, code's over.
- Dude, go ahead.

- You're hiking through
the woods right now,

And I'm jaggers.
- What are jaggers?

- Prickers.
- Okay, what are prickers?

- They're thorns!
They scratch up your legs!

- Look, man, water
under the bridge, okay?

- What do you know
about bridges?

- I know I've been
under your wife's bridge.

- You keep talking
about deb like that,

I'm gonna ralph
in your car, dude.

- Dude, you're gonna choke,
just like bobby bonilla

And barry bonds did.

- You don't talk about
the "killer bs" that way!

Listen.
[click]

You owe me 75 bucks.
- For what?

- 'cause that's broken, dude.

I bought that
from your store, man.

She would never let me go
to voicemail!

Hey! Hey!
- Dude!

You need to chill out!
- You need to chill out!

- Look, man, I'll be
totally honest with you.

I tried to sleep
with your wife,

She wouldn't have me.

You know why?
- Why?

- 'cause you're a great dad,
and an even better husband.

- Aw, are you serious, dude?
Aww.

- Yeah, man.
- Aw, my pookie.

- And at the end of the day,

I'm all alone
in my sad apartment.

- Oh, no, dude,
it's not like all that.

You got a great 'stache,
cool pants.

And you're smoother
than a rock in a crick.

You're like the opposite
of a jaggoff.

- For real?
- For real.

- You know what?
We actually got

A lot more in common
than we got different.

We're both cousins,
we're both owner/operators,

And we're both
from the best state

In the goddamn country.

- Keystone state.
[applause]

- I ain't never going back
to pittsburgh,

But if I can unload a couple

Of those darren daulton
magazines,

I'll be able to afford
that house down by the shore.

I'll definitely invite don
and his wife and kid.

- [whistles]

- Ha ha.
Good at bizness.

- I'm gonna prescribe
a supplement for you.

- Do you have root beer-flavored
prilosec?

I want vicodin max,
like pepsi max.

Do they make wild
cherry-flavored celexa?

- I'm actually not
treating you right now.

- I had a green bowel movement,

But I think it was
from too much spray.

- Any tremors?
- Not really?