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1
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Hi. My name's Caveh,
and I'm about to be married.
2
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Um, this isn't my first time.
I've actually been married twice before.
3
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,546
Um, but I'm pretty sure
it's going to be the last time.
4
00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,216
Um...
5
00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:02,659
How can I know that for sure?
I can't, obviously.
6
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,358
My last two marriages fell apart because
I used to have this sex addiction problem,
7
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,526
and I don't really have that anymore.
8
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:11,570
Well, at least not in the way I used to.
9
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,105
Um...
10
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:17,269
You see, about ten years ago I started going
to these Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings.
11
00:01:17,343 --> 00:01:20,676
Hi. My name's Caveh.
I'm a sex addict.
12
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,681
ALL: Hi, Caveh.
13
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:27,152
For me, it all started in Paris
about seven years ago.
14
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,922
Actually, I wasn't able
to raise enough money to go to Paris,
15
00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:41,193
so I'm just going to shoot it here
in San Francisco,
16
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,757
which is where I live now.
17
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:45,066
So if you could just pretend this is Paris...
18
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,605
...and that I'm 23 years old.
19
00:01:58,651 --> 00:02:00,915
So anyway, I was walking
down the street one day...
20
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:08,083
...when I saw this prostitute.
21
00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,631
The first thing that struck mewas what she was wearing.
22
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,331
But then I noticed heruncanny resemblance to my wife.
23
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:20,634
I thought it was strange that I should beso turned on by this woman,
24
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and yet no longer the least bitattracted to my wife.
25
00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:26,440
You fucking shut the fuck up!
26
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,845
This is Caroline, my wife.
27
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,815
How I ended up marrying her
28
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:35,014
instead of the person I wasreally in love with is a long story.
29
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:39,149
But I should probably start by explainingthat I never would have married Caroline
30
00:02:39,225 --> 00:02:41,318
if it hadn't been for the factthat she was French...
31
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... and that her visa was about to expire.
32
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,631
Actually, let me back up a second.
33
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:53,901
This is Anna.
34
00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:57,374
She was my first real girlfriendand the love of my life.
35
00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:02,309
We had met in collegeand had been together for two years.
36
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:07,310
Now, I should probably explainthat ever since I was a kid,
37
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:10,618
I was obsessedwith finding my soul mate.
38
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,022
Every time I would meet a girlI would think,
39
00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,423
"Is she the one?
40
00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:16,027
"Is she the one?
41
00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:17,756
Or is she the one?"
42
00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:21,526
I was constantly falling in loveat the drop of a hat,
43
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:25,537
but the girls I was attracted tonever seemed to be attracted to me.
44
00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:29,271
Things went on like this for years,
45
00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:32,641
and I was starting to despairof ever finding a soul mate.
46
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,677
And then I met Anna.
47
00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:39,377
She had the most beautiful soulof anyone I had ever met.
48
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,048
And the two years we spent togetherwere the happiest of my life.
49
00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:49,061
It seemed that nothingcould ever come between us
50
00:03:49,128 --> 00:03:50,925
and that we would always be together.
51
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:57,092
The only problem wasthat I was a philosophy major
52
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,933
and believed in free love.
53
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,702
To me, monogamy was a formof private property,
54
00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:07,541
and I was against private property.
55
00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,206
Let me try one more a different way.
56
00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:15,477
Our role models at the time wereJean Paul Satre and Simone de Beauvoir
57
00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:18,490
because they were said to have hada polygamous relationship
58
00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:20,526
which had lasted their entire lives.
59
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:23,084
(birds chirping)
60
00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:26,154
Anna had had affairs,and so had I.
61
00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:29,191
Of course, we both got jealous at times,
62
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,602
but we believed that jealousywas something to be transcended
63
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:35,539
and that it was possible to lovemore than one person at a time...
64
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,132
(beach music playing)
65
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,474
... which is how I ended upbecoming involved with Caroline.
66
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,880
We had met in Parisa few months earlier
67
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,817
and had spent threeidyllic days together.
68
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:52,586
I know I said that we couldn't afford
to shoot in Paris, and we really can't,
69
00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:55,127
but the actress playing Caroline,
70
00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:59,654
her visa expired and she actually
had to go back to France
71
00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:02,462
before we could finish the film.
72
00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:05,265
Actually, let me back up a little.
73
00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:09,035
You see, I had a really hard time
finding a French actress to play my wife.
74
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:11,099
And then one day
I saw this woman on the street
75
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:13,372
who looked a lot like the real Caroline.
76
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:16,643
So I started talking to her
and found out that she was French.
77
00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:18,445
So I asked her to audition.
78
00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:22,147
CAVEH: So what do you do for money?
What's your business?
79
00:05:22,221 --> 00:05:23,779
I have a make-up company.
80
00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:25,847
CAVEH: Oh, really?
Are you a make-up artist?
81
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:28,689
Well, actually,
I teach people to do make-up.
82
00:05:28,761 --> 00:05:30,820
CAVEH: Really? So you're
a make-up artist teacher?
83
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:32,091
Yes, I am.
84
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,723
Now, I should probably explain
85
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,701
that the real Caroline
was also a make-up artist,
86
00:05:36,769 --> 00:05:41,399
which I took as a sign that I had found
the perfect person to play the role.
87
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:45,376
But then a few months later,
when we were about to do re-shoots,
88
00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,345
something really weird happened.
89
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:50,610
Okay, something really weird
just happened.
90
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:56,315
I was looking for a French prostitute
91
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:58,823
to act in the movie
for the prostitute scene.
92
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,620
Where is it?
93
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,058
There it is.
94
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:06,895
I found this face that says Rebecca Lord.
95
00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:08,593
So I open it...
96
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,830
And I'm like...
97
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:15,635
"Porn Star Rebecca Lord, French."
98
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:19,769
And I'm like, "Wow, she looks
so much like Caroline."
99
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:23,740
I go down.
100
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,649
I'm like, "She looks
so much like Caroline."
101
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,847
And then it says here,
102
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:32,584
"working first as a make-up artist."
103
00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:34,216
That's what Caroline was.
104
00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:39,825
And then it says that she'll be visiting
San Francisco August 7th through 11th.
105
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,924
That's when we're shooting
our re-shoots.
106
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:45,196
And I'm like, "Wait a minute.
107
00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:49,367
Caroline... is a prostitute?"
108
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,441
And then there's all these movies.
109
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,743
Here's her list of credits.
110
00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:05,717
Sluts of France.
111
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:13,796
So I had inadvertently cast a porn star
to play my French wife.
112
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,732
But anyway, getting back to the story.
113
00:07:19,705 --> 00:07:21,502
We had met in Paris a few months earlier
114
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:24,407
and had spent three idyllic days together.
115
00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:28,380
I had been totally honest with Caroline
116
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,349
about my relationship with Annaand had even asked her...
117
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:33,715
Do you ever get jealous?
118
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:34,878
To which she had answered...
119
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,616
Life is too short for that.
120
00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:40,250
I was blown away by her answer
121
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:43,784
and I found myself startingto fall in love with Caroline.
122
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:48,094
But I still believed that Annawas the true love of my life.
123
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:53,370
But then a month later,Caroline flew to the States to see me,
124
00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:56,033
and it was then that the trouble started.
125
00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:59,043
You see,Anna became jealous of Caroline
126
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:02,046
and insisted that I choose between them.
127
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,344
I didn't want to choose between them.
128
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,476
I wanted to be able to see them both.
129
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:10,248
But then Anna gota summer internship in New York,
130
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:14,316
and Caroline and I ended upspending the summer together.
131
00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:17,624
Which is why when her visa expired.
132
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:21,326
I offered to marry herso that she could stay in the States.
133
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:26,062
Now, I should probably explain
that I wasn't exactly the marrying type.
134
00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:29,107
In fact, I was totally against marriage.
135
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,167
You see, I had grown up
during the Vietnam War
136
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:35,305
and I saw marriage as patof the same capitalist system
137
00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,440
that had producedthe genocide in Vietnam.
138
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,178
(explosions)
139
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:45,384
(screaming)
140
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,824
But I was also influencedby performance at...
141
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:48,986
(screaming)
142
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:52,087
... and by the idea of life itselfas a kind of performance piece.
143
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,466
And to me the institution of marriagewas so inherently absurd
144
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,666
that I tried to subvert itby treating it as performance art.
145
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:02,833
I do.
146
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:06,606
Except that the joke,as it turned out, was on me.
147
00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:10,046
Because when Anna found outthat I had gotten married to Caroline,
148
00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,107
she didn't take it so well.
149
00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:13,742
(phone slams)
150
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:16,014
And then I did somethingincredibly dumb.
151
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,015
You see, Caroline and I wereabout to run out of money...
152
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:26,598
... and the idea of having to get a job was,in my mind, a fate worse than death.
153
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:30,134
The only occupation I was interested in
154
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:32,830
was that of famous filmmaker.
155
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,203
But the few experimental filmsthat I had made
156
00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:39,506
hadn't exactly been greetedwith enthusiasm by the film world.
157
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:43,505
(indistinct)
158
00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:51,486
To remedy this situation,
159
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:55,789
I had recently written a scriptabout the French poet Arthur Rimbaud
160
00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:58,853
which I was convincedwould revolutionize cinema...
161
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:04,933
... and which Caroline insisted it wouldbe easy to raise money for in France.
162
00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:09,564
It will be easy to raise money
for this in France.
163
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:14,403
But moving to Franceturned out to be a disaster.
164
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:20,176
Most of the film producers I approachedwouldn't even talk to me.
165
00:10:20,252 --> 00:10:24,120
The few that didjust told me that I was nobody.
166
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,925
Meanwhile, my relationshipwith Caroline had started to unravel.
167
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,462
(crying)
168
00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:34,522
Caroline was insanely jealous of Annaand would cry hysterically
169
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,125
whenever I would write her a letteror talk to her on the phone.
170
00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,727
Hi, how are you doing?
171
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,103
I was starting to feel trapped,and it was hard not to blame Caroline
172
00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:46,668
for having gotten in the wayof my relationship with Anna.
173
00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:49,874
And then one day,I got a letter from Anna
174
00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:52,577
saying that she was goingto be in Amsterdam
175
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,052
and askingif I would like to meet her there.
176
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,777
(crying)
177
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:58,187
I was ecstatic.
178
00:10:58,257 --> 00:11:01,784
I felt that I was finally being given a chanceto get back together with Anna.
179
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:07,058
But Caroline knew that if I leftI would never come back,
180
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:09,124
so she decided to jump out a window.
181
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,305
The thought of being responsiblefor her death
182
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:16,170
- was way more guilt than I could handle.
- (siren wails)
183
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:19,211
- Caroline! Caroline!
- No! No!
184
00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:21,644
(grunting)
185
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:24,410
So I agreed never to see Anna again.
186
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:34,151
It was by far the mostpainful decision I ever made.
187
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,721
But I did it because yearsof going to Sunday school
188
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:41,028
had taught me to equate virtuewith sacrifice.
189
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,762
- Can I come down?
- MAN: One more time.
190
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:50,036
I should probably also explainthat when I was in college
191
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,872
I had once asked my friend Arnold...
192
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,936
(coughs)
193
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:58,643
What's your, like, ultimate goal in life?
194
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,049
And he had said...
195
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:01,984
To be a saint.
196
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,045
I'd been blown away by his answer...
197
00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:08,516
... and I decided that I toowould try to become a saint.
198
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:13,987
Which is why,when Caroline asked me
199
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:17,627
to cut all ties with the only personI had ever truly loved,
200
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:19,500
I agreed.
201
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,540
(ting)
202
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,906
When I found out much later
203
00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:27,741
that Anna had gotten marriedto someone else,
204
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:30,043
I was devastated.
205
00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:35,110
I had still been secretly hoping that Carolineand I would eventually break up
206
00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:38,315
and that Anna and Iwould one day get back together.
207
00:12:38,390 --> 00:12:41,951
But now I realized that it was really over.
208
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:48,659
I tried my best to transcend my feelings
209
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:52,898
and to resign myselfto a life of quiet desperation.
210
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:56,169
But the truth is I was incredibly angry.
211
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:58,142
I was angry at God,
212
00:12:58,210 --> 00:12:59,973
I was angry at Caroline,
213
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:02,536
and I was angry at myself.
214
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,812
But mostly I was angry at Caroline.
215
00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:10,620
And then one dayI was walking down the street
216
00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:14,420
when I saw... this prostitute.
217
00:13:17,997 --> 00:13:19,191
There was something about her
218
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:23,133
that turned me on in a waythat I had never been turned on before.
219
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:27,095
It was as if I had been hypnotized.
220
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:39,249
And then I suddenly found myself sayingsomething that I had never said before.
221
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,081
I said the words...
222
00:13:42,922 --> 00:13:47,859
Now, I should probably explain that I had
always considered myself a feminist
223
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:51,363
and had even marched
in an anti-pornography rally once.
224
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,133
Which is why
225
00:13:55,201 --> 00:13:57,533
when I suddenly found
myself saying the words...
226
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,867
...I half expected the prostitute
to run screaming...
227
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,101
(gasps)
228
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,003
... or to slap me in the face.
229
00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:12,274
The fact that she didn't,but smiled instead and said...
230
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:15,945
... made my head spin.
231
00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:35,236
Afterwards, I was a nervous wreck.
232
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,367
I couldn't get her out of my mind.
233
00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:53,782
- CAROLINE: Hi.
- Hi.
234
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:07,930
I thought that if I masturbated,I would get her out of my system.
235
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:10,842
But it didn't work.
236
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:17,137
So after several daysof compulsive masturbation,
237
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:19,741
I decided that I needed a new strategy.
238
00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:33,556
You see, I knew that she wasjust a regular person.
239
00:15:33,632 --> 00:15:38,331
But in my mind, I had somehow made herinto an image of erotic salvation.
240
00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:39,393
(harp music plays)
241
00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:44,170
And it seemed that the only way to get heroff the erotic pedestal that I had put her on
242
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,473
was to have a real conversation with her.
243
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,585
Unfortunately, she wasn't there.
244
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:11,967
I was mad at myself for having wastedso many hours of my day,
245
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,301
but I didn't want to leave empty-handed.
246
00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:50,037
I asked that same question to everyprostitute that was there that day.
247
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:52,441
I might even have askedsome of them twice.
248
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:56,979
Afterwards, I felt strangely euphoric.
249
00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:02,114
And I returned home feeling that I hadfinally gotten this thing out of my system.
250
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:04,348
(moaning)
251
00:17:04,423 --> 00:17:06,084
But I was wrong.
252
00:17:06,158 --> 00:17:09,616
Instead of fantasizingabout just the one prostitute,
253
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,095
I was now fantasizing about all of them.
254
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,959
I went back the next day...
255
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,799
and the next day...
256
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,771
and the next.
257
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:25,270
At first it was enough just to talk to them...
258
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:28,973
... and to fantasizeabout them afterwards.
259
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,346
(moaning)
260
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:36,754
But after a while, just talking to themwas no longer enough.
261
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:48,058
Now, I know that a lot of guys
in my situation
262
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,624
would have just gone ahead
and had sex with the prostitute
263
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:52,727
and not told their wife about it.
264
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,273
But I had this thing about honesty.
265
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,672
You see, when I was a kid,
266
00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:01,042
my mother found out that my fatherhad been cheating on her
267
00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:04,640
and made him drive my sister and meto this other woman's apartment
268
00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:07,810
in order to humiliate him in front of us.
269
00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:10,480
I was too young to know what sex was,
270
00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:12,922
but I knew that it was a very bad thing
271
00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:16,290
and that it was responsiblefor my parents' divorce.
272
00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:19,558
I was only eight years old at the time,
273
00:18:19,631 --> 00:18:21,622
but I began to hate my father.
274
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:24,601
And I vowed to myselfthat I would never be like him.
275
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,370
(crying)
276
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:43,351
You know, if you really need
to see a prostitute, you can.
277
00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:47,358
I don't want to see a prostitute.
I want to try to resist.
278
00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:49,121
But I think I need your help.
279
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:51,389
What do you want me to do?
280
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,761
I just need to be able to talk to you.
281
00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:56,801
I think if I can talk to you about it,
I'll be less tempted,
282
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,632
and it'll be easier for me to resist.
283
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,298
You can talk to me about it.
284
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:03,000
I can?
285
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:05,407
Of course.
286
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,001
Ohh.
287
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,644
God, I feel so much better.
288
00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,879
Are you tempted to have
intercourse with a prostitute
289
00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:21,153
or just to get a blow job?
290
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,126
Oh, no. Just get a blow job.
291
00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:26,426
I would never want to have intercourse
with one. That would gross me out.
292
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,989
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
293
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:31,797
You're the only person I'd ever want
to have intercourse with.
294
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:33,303
You promise?
295
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:36,068
Yeah, I promise.
296
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:43,479
Is there anything I can do
to make you less tempted?
297
00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:49,979
Maybe if you could give me
blow jobs more often?
298
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:51,682
I don't mind.
299
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:54,817
I can even give you a blow job
right now if you like.
300
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,189
Okay.
301
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,961
I felt guilty accepting her offer,
302
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,403
but I thought it might be a good idea.
303
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:19,639
(moans)
304
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,516
I was still fantasizingthat she was a prostitute,
305
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,318
but the fact that she knewand accepted this part of me
306
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:27,688
made it different than before.
307
00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:32,696
It made it something we were sharing,something that we were doing together.
308
00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:35,995
And I felt that I was seeing Carolinefor the first time.
309
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,093
(moaning)
310
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:42,605
After I came, I was still hard.
311
00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:45,768
This was something that had
never happened to me before.
312
00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:48,779
It was as if my no longer
having to repress my sexuality
313
00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:52,943
had suddenly unleashed a backlog
of repressed sexual energy.
314
00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:55,418
So Caroline offered to give me
another blow job.
315
00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:59,924
(moaning loudly)
316
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:03,519
To my astonishment, I was still hard.
317
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:06,621
So Caroline offered to give me
yet another blow job.
318
00:21:06,698 --> 00:21:10,099
(moaning loudly)
319
00:21:10,168 --> 00:21:13,797
Afterwards, I was still hard.
320
00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:18,400
I had never seen anything like it,
and I actually started to get scared.
321
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:23,676
I was afraid that my erection had become
permanent and would never go away.
322
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:26,217
Caroline offered to give me
yet another blow job,
323
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,776
but I had recently
gotten a job as a film critic
324
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,448
and I didn't want to be late
to my first screening.
325
00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:39,392
On the way there
my erection finally subsided.
326
00:21:47,539 --> 00:21:50,736
At that moment I was filled
with boundless love for Caroline,
327
00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:53,277
and I felt closer to her than ever before.
328
00:21:56,682 --> 00:21:58,912
As part of our newfound intimacy,
329
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:01,885
I started pointing out to Caroline
the women I was attracted to.
330
00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:03,944
I like that one.
331
00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:06,456
That one?
She's gross!
332
00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:08,584
Not to me.
333
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:12,027
- I like that one, too.
- You're kidding, right?
334
00:22:12,097 --> 00:22:14,122
No, I'm serious.
She's exactly my type.
335
00:22:14,199 --> 00:22:15,598
But she's so vulgar.
336
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,398
I know. That's what I like
about her. It's true.
337
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:24,434
Did you see that woman?
I would love to have sex with her.
338
00:22:29,915 --> 00:22:33,112
It was great to be able
to be totally honest with Caroline,
339
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,177
and I felt that I was finally having
the kind of open and honest relationship
340
00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:38,484
that I'd always dreamed of.
341
00:22:39,124 --> 00:22:41,820
Whoa! Look at those lips.
342
00:22:41,893 --> 00:22:44,157
I would love a blow job from her.
343
00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:48,422
Did you see that?
344
00:22:51,002 --> 00:22:55,098
But after a while,Caroline couldn't take it anymore.
345
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:15,116
- What's the matter?
- What do you think?
346
00:23:15,193 --> 00:23:18,890
I'm sick and tired of you
staring at other women all the time!
347
00:23:18,964 --> 00:23:21,091
- It's humiliating!
- What do you want me to do?
348
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,964
You want me to hide the fact
that I'm attracted to somebody?
349
00:23:24,035 --> 00:23:29,098
How would you like it if you saw me drooling
over every guy I was attracted to? Huh?
350
00:23:29,174 --> 00:23:32,109
Well, I'd probably feel a little jealous,
but I'd try to transcend it.
351
00:23:33,378 --> 00:23:34,811
I would!
352
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,041
Didn't you say you wanted me
to be totally honest?
353
00:23:37,115 --> 00:23:39,083
CAROLINE:
Well, I've changed my mind!
354
00:23:43,622 --> 00:23:46,386
But my not being able
to be totally honest with her
355
00:23:46,458 --> 00:23:48,688
made me feel alienated once again.
356
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:53,697
And I started obsessing about the variouswomen I would see on the street.
357
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:55,198
I remember this one time,
358
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:59,226
I saw a woman on the subwaythat I was particularly attracted to.
359
00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:05,232
I don't know what I was thinking.but I suddenly started following her.
360
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:14,241
For some reason, I was dyingto reach out and touch her butt.
361
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:23,227
And I was trying to get upthe courage to do this
362
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:26,264
when her boyfriend suddenly appeared.
363
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:35,262
But I had been so turned on by herthat all I wanted to do was masturbate.
364
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:41,279
The only place I could findwas a confessional.
365
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,446
There was somethingabout masturbating in a confessional
366
00:24:49,521 --> 00:24:51,853
that appealed to my senseof transgression.
367
00:24:51,923 --> 00:24:57,884
And it wasn't long before I had masturbatedin every cathedral in Paris.
368
00:24:58,697 --> 00:25:02,690
Meanwhile, Caroline and I hadstarted fighting more and more,
369
00:25:02,767 --> 00:25:05,531
and I had started threateningto have sex with a prostitute
370
00:25:05,604 --> 00:25:07,697
in order to get herto stop fighting with me.
371
00:25:07,772 --> 00:25:09,967
I'm going to go have sex with a prostitute!
372
00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:14,068
Fine! Go get your dick sucked
by a prostitute! See if I care!
373
00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:21,814
Pssh!
374
00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:25,880
And then one day I somehowmanaged to convince myself
375
00:25:25,957 --> 00:25:30,257
that I was hurting her more by constantlythreatening to have sex with a prostitute
376
00:25:30,328 --> 00:25:31,989
than I would by just doing it
377
00:25:32,063 --> 00:25:34,395
and getting it out of my systemonce and for all.
378
00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:59,255
I wanted to reach out and touch her butt,
379
00:25:59,324 --> 00:26:01,884
but I felt shy.
380
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,121
I didn't know if that was allowed.
381
00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:52,538
(water running)
382
00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:00,448
(turns water off)
383
00:27:36,254 --> 00:27:38,245
(moaning)
384
00:28:04,482 --> 00:28:05,779
Uh...
385
00:28:18,296 --> 00:28:20,161
Um...
386
00:28:34,913 --> 00:28:36,574
(opens wrapper)
387
00:28:49,127 --> 00:28:50,651
I was certainly tempted,
388
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:56,099
but I had every intention of resisting havingintercourse until she said the words...
389
00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:04,068
For some reason, those words triggereda chemical reaction in my brain.
390
00:29:04,142 --> 00:29:06,576
And it was suddenly as if I had no choice.
391
00:29:14,652 --> 00:29:15,983
I'm not sure why...
392
00:29:16,888 --> 00:29:19,721
... but the fact that her deliverywas so unconvincing
393
00:29:19,791 --> 00:29:21,918
just turned me on even more.
394
00:29:21,993 --> 00:29:23,984
(moaning)
395
00:29:51,756 --> 00:29:53,485
There's something I have to tell you.
396
00:29:53,558 --> 00:29:57,221
I know.
You had sex with a prostitute.
397
00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:02,956
How'd you know?
398
00:30:05,336 --> 00:30:06,826
I can tell.
399
00:30:08,006 --> 00:30:09,598
You're not mad at me?
400
00:30:10,775 --> 00:30:13,209
No, I'm not mad at you.
401
00:30:17,048 --> 00:30:19,380
I think it was the right thing to do
402
00:30:19,450 --> 00:30:21,975
because now I've finally
gotten it out of my system.
403
00:30:26,224 --> 00:30:27,714
I love you.
404
00:30:28,359 --> 00:30:31,590
I know. Just please,
go take a shower.
405
00:30:54,219 --> 00:30:57,655
So, tell me what happened.
406
00:31:01,059 --> 00:31:03,323
I told her the whole story.
407
00:31:03,394 --> 00:31:07,353
But when I got to the part about
the intercourse, she got pretty upset.
408
00:31:07,432 --> 00:31:09,059
You had intercourse?
409
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:11,691
Yeah.
410
00:31:11,769 --> 00:31:13,464
But I used a condom.
411
00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:15,768
You promised you weren't going to!
412
00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:17,808
I know, I'm sorry.
413
00:31:19,344 --> 00:31:22,939
I tried not to, but I couldn't help myself.
414
00:31:26,017 --> 00:31:30,078
She said the words "rape me,"
and I just got really turned on after that.
415
00:31:31,155 --> 00:31:35,956
Now, I think I should explain that this wasespecially difficult for Caroline to hear
416
00:31:36,027 --> 00:31:38,894
because she herself had been raped.
417
00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:44,366
I had hoped that being completely honestwould bring us closer together,
418
00:31:44,435 --> 00:31:46,869
but I had seriously miscalculated.
419
00:31:52,977 --> 00:31:55,878
I don't want to have sex tonight.
420
00:31:55,947 --> 00:31:58,347
I wasn't suggesting it.
421
00:31:58,416 --> 00:32:01,078
It's not to punish you, you know.
422
00:32:01,152 --> 00:32:02,141
I know.
423
00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:05,747
It's just, I need more time to get over it.
424
00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:08,257
I understand.
Take all the time you need.
425
00:32:09,627 --> 00:32:10,787
Thanks.
426
00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:19,430
I was surprised at how little timeit took for her to get over it.
427
00:32:19,504 --> 00:32:20,596
(moaning)
428
00:32:20,672 --> 00:32:22,537
It only took three days.
429
00:32:24,175 --> 00:32:28,612
After that, everything seemedpretty much back to normal.
430
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:32,844
Except for one thing...Caroline started having fainting spells.
431
00:32:34,752 --> 00:32:36,743
Caroline! Caroline!
What's the matter?
432
00:32:36,821 --> 00:32:40,154
I don't know.
I don't feel well.
433
00:32:40,224 --> 00:32:44,422
We went to see several doctors to tryto figure out what was wrong with her,
434
00:32:44,495 --> 00:32:46,986
but none of themcould ever find anything.
435
00:32:47,065 --> 00:32:48,692
She's perfectly fine.
436
00:32:53,338 --> 00:32:57,502
You know, it's been over two months
since we've had sex.
437
00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:02,776
If you want me to suck you,
I'll suck you.
438
00:33:02,847 --> 00:33:04,576
That's not why I'm saying it.
439
00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:07,311
I'm saying it because I think
maybe you're mad at me.
440
00:33:08,386 --> 00:33:12,914
I'm not mad at you.
I just haven't been feeling well.
441
00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:15,653
Okay.
442
00:33:21,532 --> 00:33:24,467
Are you sure you don't want me
to give you oral sex?
443
00:33:24,535 --> 00:33:27,800
Caveh, I really don't feel well.
444
00:33:27,872 --> 00:33:29,066
Okay.
445
00:33:35,313 --> 00:33:37,713
This went on for a whole year,
446
00:33:37,782 --> 00:33:41,548
during which my desire to have sex
with a prostitute gradually returned.
447
00:34:02,573 --> 00:34:04,734
I tried to escape my marital unhappiness
448
00:34:04,809 --> 00:34:06,709
by throwing myself into my work...
449
00:34:06,778 --> 00:34:07,938
Higher!
450
00:34:09,414 --> 00:34:10,642
I said higher!
451
00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:13,479
... but I was unable to raise moneyfor any of my film projects.
452
00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:14,711
Higher!
453
00:34:17,121 --> 00:34:20,522
What's the matter with you?
Can't you jump higher than that?
454
00:34:25,830 --> 00:34:29,823
Out of desperation, I had appliedto film school back in the States.
455
00:34:38,443 --> 00:34:40,911
Soon after we moved to Los Angeles,
456
00:34:40,978 --> 00:34:44,641
Caroline confessed to me that shehad fallen in love with my friend Gary...
457
00:34:45,683 --> 00:34:48,208
... and then she fell in lovewith my friend Keith...
458
00:34:49,220 --> 00:34:52,553
... and then she fell in lovewith my friend Teddy.
459
00:34:52,623 --> 00:34:55,820
A week latershe and Teddy moved in together,
460
00:34:55,893 --> 00:34:58,293
and a year later they were married.
461
00:34:59,630 --> 00:35:01,791
This is the real Caroline.
462
00:35:01,866 --> 00:35:05,097
I asked her to play herself in the movie,but she declined.
463
00:35:06,838 --> 00:35:09,238
I tried to stay in touch over the years,
464
00:35:09,307 --> 00:35:13,266
but after a while Carolinestopped returning my calls.
465
00:35:15,746 --> 00:35:19,580
I realize I haven't made it seem
like I was in love with Caroline,
466
00:35:19,650 --> 00:35:22,585
but the truth is I really was,
467
00:35:22,653 --> 00:35:25,679
as much as I was capable
of loving anyone.
468
00:35:25,756 --> 00:35:28,657
I mean, I was only 26 at the time.
469
00:35:32,730 --> 00:35:37,599
After the break-up, all I could think aboutwas finding someone to have sex with.
470
00:35:51,616 --> 00:35:53,675
Hi, can I get in?
471
00:35:53,751 --> 00:35:55,048
How much?
472
00:35:55,119 --> 00:35:57,178
How much do you want to spend?
473
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:00,317
Thirty?
474
00:36:00,391 --> 00:36:02,154
Okay. Can I get in?
475
00:36:02,226 --> 00:36:03,716
Okay.
476
00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:12,560
- Hi, my name's Candy.
- Hi, I'm Bob.
477
00:36:12,637 --> 00:36:15,367
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
478
00:36:32,356 --> 00:36:36,224
- Where are we going?
- Pull over right here.
479
00:36:51,576 --> 00:36:53,066
Can I have the money now?
480
00:36:53,144 --> 00:36:55,374
Oh, sure.
481
00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:58,910
Um...
482
00:36:58,983 --> 00:37:00,541
Do you have any change?
483
00:37:00,618 --> 00:37:03,746
No, but If you give me 40,
I'll make it extra good.
484
00:37:04,322 --> 00:37:05,619
Um...
485
00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:08,487
Okay.
486
00:37:12,363 --> 00:37:13,728
Look out for cops, okay?
487
00:37:17,602 --> 00:37:19,160
(moaning)
488
00:37:31,582 --> 00:37:33,140
Bye.
489
00:37:43,828 --> 00:37:46,558
Afterwards, I felt euphoric.
490
00:37:48,499 --> 00:37:50,194
But by the time I got home,
491
00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:53,101
I felt empty and depressed.
492
00:37:53,904 --> 00:37:57,601
And I vowed never to have sexwith a prostitute again.
493
00:38:00,244 --> 00:38:01,677
But then a few days later,
494
00:38:01,746 --> 00:38:05,648
I found myself unable to stop obsessingabout that same prostitute.
495
00:38:22,533 --> 00:38:23,795
Wanna date?
496
00:38:23,868 --> 00:38:25,165
It was becoming a pattern.
497
00:38:25,236 --> 00:38:28,228
Every time I would have sexwith a prostitute,
498
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:31,275
I would feel emptyand depressed afterwards,
499
00:38:31,342 --> 00:38:33,742
and I would vow never to do it again.
500
00:38:33,811 --> 00:38:37,770
And yet I honestly believed
that if I just did it enough times,
501
00:38:37,848 --> 00:38:41,215
my desire to have sex with a prostitute
would eventually go away.
502
00:38:56,500 --> 00:38:58,866
(moaning)
503
00:39:08,212 --> 00:39:10,077
And then I met Christa.
504
00:39:10,147 --> 00:39:12,775
I was walking down the hallwayat film school
505
00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:15,182
when I saw her for the first time.
506
00:39:15,252 --> 00:39:16,913
Hi.
507
00:39:18,556 --> 00:39:22,151
It was unusual for a womanI had never met to say hi to me.
508
00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:26,690
Because she did, I assumedshe wanted to have sex.
509
00:39:32,136 --> 00:39:35,128
And then a few days later,I saw her again.
510
00:39:43,881 --> 00:39:45,314
Excuse me.
511
00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:48,981
Do you know
how to open these?
512
00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:50,645
I can't figure it out.
513
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:52,849
I can try.
514
00:39:56,961 --> 00:39:58,121
Here you go.
515
00:39:58,195 --> 00:40:00,425
It just twists off, huh?
516
00:40:03,734 --> 00:40:05,167
You like Capra?
517
00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:06,999
I love Capra.
518
00:40:08,139 --> 00:40:10,937
- Hi, my name's Caveh.
- Hi, I'm Christa.
519
00:40:11,008 --> 00:40:13,135
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
520
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:19,042
So anyway, she invited me to a partyshe was giving that Friday night...
521
00:40:20,851 --> 00:40:23,319
... and I went,hoping to have sex with her.
522
00:40:26,457 --> 00:40:28,687
- Is Christa here?
- Yeah, come on in.
523
00:40:28,759 --> 00:40:30,989
(music playing)
524
00:40:35,766 --> 00:40:38,428
I failed to get her to have sex with me.
525
00:40:39,870 --> 00:40:42,464
But I did get her to lend mea copy of her screenplay.
526
00:40:43,507 --> 00:40:45,532
It was one of the best screenplaysI'd ever read.
527
00:40:53,651 --> 00:40:56,916
And I felt that I had finally foundsomeone that I could relate to.
528
00:40:58,489 --> 00:41:01,424
I called her immediatelyand asked her out.
529
00:41:12,269 --> 00:41:13,896
It was then that it happened,
530
00:41:15,005 --> 00:41:18,463
I looked into her eyesand I saw her soul.
531
00:41:20,077 --> 00:41:23,979
Until then, she had just been someonethat I wanted something from.
532
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:28,983
But at that moment I suddenlysaw that she was a real human being,
533
00:41:29,053 --> 00:41:31,954
with needs and feelings of her own.
534
00:41:33,390 --> 00:41:34,880
It scared the shit out of me.
535
00:41:45,269 --> 00:41:50,502
And then one night we were watching
Vivre Sa Vie by Jean-Luc Godard,
536
00:41:50,574 --> 00:41:53,338
about a woman who becomes a prostitute.
537
00:41:54,812 --> 00:41:56,746
You know what I heard?
538
00:41:57,515 --> 00:41:58,573
What?
539
00:41:58,649 --> 00:42:02,050
I heard that Godard has
a prostitute fetish in real life.
540
00:42:02,119 --> 00:42:03,950
Can you believe that?
541
00:42:04,488 --> 00:42:05,921
Yeah.
542
00:42:07,758 --> 00:42:11,888
I can't.
He seems so sensitive to women.
543
00:42:11,962 --> 00:42:13,452
Well, that doesn't mean anything.
544
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:18,491
I mean, I'm sensitive to women,
and I have a prostitute fetish.
545
00:42:20,271 --> 00:42:22,068
You're kidding, right?
546
00:42:22,139 --> 00:42:23,834
No, I'm serious.
547
00:42:25,609 --> 00:42:27,133
I can't believe that.
548
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:29,839
Well, it's true.
549
00:42:29,914 --> 00:42:33,873
Caveh, how is that possible?
I mean, how can you justify that to yourself?
550
00:42:33,951 --> 00:42:36,442
Well, I agree it's not
super spiritual or anything,
551
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,455
but I don't think it's so terrible either.
552
00:42:39,523 --> 00:42:43,482
Caveh, it's like rape!
Those women have no choice.
553
00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:46,394
Everybody has a choice.
Or else nobody does.
554
00:42:46,463 --> 00:42:48,226
I can't believe you're saying this.
555
00:42:48,299 --> 00:42:50,028
Well, it's true.
556
00:42:52,369 --> 00:42:53,666
What are you doing?
557
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:57,036
I'm sorry. I have to leave.
I feel like I'm going to be sick.
558
00:42:57,107 --> 00:42:59,769
Why, because I've had sex
with prostitutes?
559
00:42:59,843 --> 00:43:01,470
Caveh, you don't understand.
560
00:43:01,545 --> 00:43:05,379
I literally feel like
I'm going to throw up. I have to go.
561
00:43:07,451 --> 00:43:08,884
Christa!
562
00:43:08,953 --> 00:43:10,215
(door slams)
563
00:43:16,327 --> 00:43:18,693
A few days later, I saw her again.
564
00:43:18,762 --> 00:43:20,252
Hi.
565
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:21,591
Hi.
566
00:43:27,538 --> 00:43:29,938
- Still feeling nauseous?
- No.
567
00:43:30,774 --> 00:43:32,867
Sure you don't mind
being seen with me?
568
00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:34,638
Stop it.
569
00:43:34,712 --> 00:43:38,307
I'm sorry. I just felt like
you thought I was disgusting.
570
00:43:38,382 --> 00:43:40,350
I don't think that.
571
00:43:41,518 --> 00:43:43,918
It's not like I'm still doing it.
572
00:43:43,988 --> 00:43:46,081
I know. I'm sorry.
573
00:43:46,824 --> 00:43:48,985
I don't want to have to
hide anything from you.
574
00:43:49,059 --> 00:43:51,584
- Don't you want me to be honest?
- I do.
575
00:43:53,163 --> 00:43:54,994
Caveh, let's make up.
576
00:44:04,875 --> 00:44:07,605
A few weeks laterit was my birthday.
577
00:44:08,779 --> 00:44:12,180
And I convinced Christa to takeEcstasy with me to celebrate.
578
00:44:15,452 --> 00:44:18,080
- Okay.
- Thank you.
579
00:44:20,958 --> 00:44:24,894
That night, we felt closerto each other than ever before.
580
00:44:24,962 --> 00:44:29,524
But Ecstasy isn't just a love drug.It's also a truth serum.
581
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:31,500
I love you so much.
582
00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:33,126
I love you, too.
583
00:44:33,203 --> 00:44:35,171
- You do?
- I do.
584
00:44:38,342 --> 00:44:41,106
I don't want there to be
any secrets between us.
585
00:44:42,813 --> 00:44:44,303
Caveh, I don't.
586
00:44:46,483 --> 00:44:47,973
I don't either.
587
00:44:48,419 --> 00:44:51,081
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
588
00:44:51,155 --> 00:44:53,146
- You'll tell me the truth?
- Yeah.
589
00:44:54,191 --> 00:44:58,628
There isn't anything that you've never
told me before, is there?
590
00:44:59,930 --> 00:45:01,625
I can take it.
591
00:45:01,699 --> 00:45:04,167
- Yeah, there's one thing.
- What?
592
00:45:04,234 --> 00:45:07,294
I've been wanting to tell you
but I've been scared.
593
00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:11,273
- Caveh, you can tell me anything.
- Okay. Okay.
594
00:45:12,810 --> 00:45:16,211
- Sometimes when we're having sex...
- Yeah?
595
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:18,510
...I fantasize about other women.
596
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,154
Christa was devastated by my confession
597
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:28,123
and became hyper-sensitiveabout other women.
598
00:45:30,194 --> 00:45:32,958
She would notice themeven before I would
599
00:45:33,030 --> 00:45:37,091
and immediately scrutinize my facefor any sign of interest.
600
00:45:37,167 --> 00:45:40,762
It was unnerving after a while.So I tried to be upfront about it.
601
00:45:40,838 --> 00:45:42,362
She's pretty sexy.
602
00:45:42,439 --> 00:45:45,101
She's more your type
than I am, isn't she?
603
00:45:45,175 --> 00:45:46,938
What are you talking about?
604
00:45:52,583 --> 00:45:56,178
And then one day I was on my way
to meet Christa for lunch
605
00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:58,619
when I decided to stop and get some gas.
606
00:46:06,497 --> 00:46:09,227
There was something about the waythe woman was bending over
607
00:46:09,299 --> 00:46:10,994
that turned me on.
608
00:46:21,445 --> 00:46:23,436
- Hi. I'm really sorry I'm late.
- Caveh, I've been waiting.
609
00:46:23,514 --> 00:46:26,347
I know, I'm sorry.
I had a little masturbatory episode.
610
00:46:26,416 --> 00:46:27,644
What?
611
00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:31,379
I had to stop for gas, and...
612
00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:33,923
Did you just say
"a little masturbatory episode"?
613
00:46:33,991 --> 00:46:35,583
Yeah. I had to stop for gas,
614
00:46:35,659 --> 00:46:39,095
and there was this woman who was
kind of bending over to put gas in her car,
615
00:46:39,163 --> 00:46:41,427
and she was really sexy,
616
00:46:41,498 --> 00:46:46,595
and I just got really turned on
at the way she was bending over,
617
00:46:46,670 --> 00:46:51,733
and I stopped at my apartment
so I could, you know, masturbate.
618
00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:54,607
But it was really no big deal.
I just thought I should tell you.
619
00:46:54,678 --> 00:46:55,838
I just...
620
00:47:02,886 --> 00:47:04,683
- I just don't want to talk about it.
- What about truth?
621
00:47:04,755 --> 00:47:07,986
- I don't want you to tell me every single day.
- Don't you want to know the truth?
622
00:47:08,058 --> 00:47:10,253
I already know these things
are happening, Caveh.
623
00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:12,887
I know you. I know you.
I understand you.
624
00:47:12,963 --> 00:47:15,454
And believe me,
it will be much better with us.
625
00:47:15,532 --> 00:47:16,931
Don't tell me.
626
00:47:18,101 --> 00:47:20,934
- I don't want to know.
- Okay, fine.
627
00:47:21,004 --> 00:47:22,494
Don't tell me.
628
00:47:24,474 --> 00:47:29,173
And then one night I happened to watch
a news program on massage parlors.
629
00:47:29,246 --> 00:47:32,704
Vice investigators saythey've recently found seven brothels
630
00:47:32,783 --> 00:47:34,808
masquerading as massage parlors.
631
00:47:34,885 --> 00:47:38,321
Police say these bustsare just the tip of the iceberg
632
00:47:38,388 --> 00:47:42,654
and that many massage parlorsare actually fronts for prostitution.
633
00:47:42,726 --> 00:47:46,093
This is Maya Ellingtonreporting for Channel 3 News.
634
00:47:59,643 --> 00:48:00,940
Want a massage?
635
00:48:01,011 --> 00:48:02,035
Um...
636
00:48:02,112 --> 00:48:04,239
Yeah. Um...
637
00:48:04,314 --> 00:48:06,111
How much?
638
00:48:06,183 --> 00:48:08,913
Forty dollars for half-hour.
639
00:48:08,986 --> 00:48:10,453
Um...
640
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:12,579
Does that include everything?
641
00:48:12,656 --> 00:48:15,056
That includes a half-hour.
642
00:48:15,125 --> 00:48:16,615
Um...
643
00:48:16,693 --> 00:48:19,753
- Who gives the massages?
- Different girls.
644
00:48:19,830 --> 00:48:22,390
- Are you one of them?
- No.
645
00:48:22,466 --> 00:48:23,831
Um...
646
00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:25,698
Can I see what they look like?
647
00:48:25,769 --> 00:48:28,203
No. You have to pay first.
648
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:33,035
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
649
00:48:33,110 --> 00:48:34,600
- I'm sorry.
- Get out of here!
650
00:48:34,678 --> 00:48:35,667
I'm sorry.
651
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,714
You get out of here!
652
00:48:37,781 --> 00:48:39,305
Get out of here!
653
00:48:41,685 --> 00:48:44,586
I visited every massage parlor in L.A.
654
00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:49,859
At first, it turned me on
655
00:48:49,927 --> 00:48:53,522
just to grab the receptionists' breastsand get thrown out.
656
00:48:54,464 --> 00:48:58,332
But after a while, even thiswas no longer exciting enough.
657
00:49:00,637 --> 00:49:04,198
And then one day I had an idea.
658
00:49:12,649 --> 00:49:16,847
I think maybe the reason I haven't
been able to get over my prostitute fetish
659
00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:20,151
is because I've never really
gone all the way with one.
660
00:49:20,223 --> 00:49:21,588
What do you mean?
661
00:49:21,658 --> 00:49:24,092
Greg was my best friend at the time.
662
00:49:24,161 --> 00:49:29,258
We had met at UCLA and had madea few student films together.
663
00:49:29,333 --> 00:49:33,667
I mean, I've never really treated one
the way I do in my fantasies.
664
00:49:33,737 --> 00:49:35,170
Which is how?
665
00:49:35,238 --> 00:49:37,206
Which is pretty violent.
666
00:49:37,274 --> 00:49:40,971
Like in my fantasies
I'll grab whoever it is by the hair
667
00:49:41,044 --> 00:49:45,003
and I'll make her say things like
"I wanna suck your dick" and stuff,
668
00:49:45,082 --> 00:49:47,983
and maybe call her a bitch or a slut,
669
00:49:48,051 --> 00:49:51,987
and then start fucking her really hard
in the mouth and make her gag and stuff.
670
00:49:52,055 --> 00:49:53,317
Interesting.
671
00:49:53,390 --> 00:49:55,950
But in real life, I've never done that.
672
00:49:56,026 --> 00:49:57,857
Why not?
673
00:49:57,928 --> 00:50:00,863
Because I want them to like me.
674
00:50:00,931 --> 00:50:02,626
I see.
675
00:50:02,699 --> 00:50:06,829
So what I'm thinking is that maybe
if I went to a prostitute one last time
676
00:50:06,903 --> 00:50:10,498
and just did everything
I always fantasize about doing,
677
00:50:10,574 --> 00:50:15,443
then I think maybe I could get it
out of my system once and for all.
678
00:50:15,512 --> 00:50:18,345
Will they let you do those things?
679
00:50:18,415 --> 00:50:19,609
Um...
680
00:50:19,683 --> 00:50:21,617
I assume.
681
00:50:23,086 --> 00:50:25,077
Sounds like it's worth a try.
682
00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:28,847
It is, right?
683
00:50:28,925 --> 00:50:31,325
Yeah, give it a try.
684
00:50:31,395 --> 00:50:34,455
But I couldn't do it behind Christa's back.
685
00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:37,728
I mean, I had to tell her, right?
686
00:50:38,869 --> 00:50:40,268
Are you serious?
687
00:50:40,337 --> 00:50:43,033
Christa, I can't keep repressing my lust.
It's not healthy.
688
00:50:43,106 --> 00:50:45,097
What do you want me to do?
Say okay?
689
00:50:45,175 --> 00:50:46,699
- Yeah.
- Well, it's not okay.
690
00:50:46,777 --> 00:50:49,644
If you have sex with a prostitute,
it's over between us!
691
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:52,910
Christa, please, try to understand.
It's just something that I have to do.
692
00:50:52,983 --> 00:50:55,713
I can't believe you'd be willing
to sacrifice our relationship
693
00:50:55,786 --> 00:50:58,346
just in order to fulfill some sick fantasy!
694
00:50:58,422 --> 00:51:00,413
I have no intention
of sacrificing our relationship.
695
00:51:00,490 --> 00:51:02,481
I'd be doing this
to strengthen our relationship.
696
00:51:05,595 --> 00:51:08,359
Christa, how is this constructive?
697
00:51:10,667 --> 00:51:14,000
The last thing I wanted was to lose Christa,
698
00:51:14,071 --> 00:51:16,801
so I decided to get professional help.
699
00:51:16,873 --> 00:51:22,277
CAVEH: My mother had like
a phobia about changing my diapers.
700
00:51:22,345 --> 00:51:28,284
So she had like this aversion
to, you know, diapers.
701
00:51:28,852 --> 00:51:31,616
Any recent dreams you can remember?
702
00:51:31,688 --> 00:51:33,622
Um...
703
00:51:33,690 --> 00:51:39,026
I had this dream
where I was sitting on the toilet,
704
00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:42,224
and then I was getting
smaller and smaller,
705
00:51:42,299 --> 00:51:44,062
and then I fell in.
706
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:49,667
I need you, Mommy!
707
00:51:49,739 --> 00:51:52,230
- Louder.
- I need you, Mommy!
708
00:51:52,309 --> 00:51:54,607
- Harder.
- I need you, Mommy!
709
00:51:54,678 --> 00:51:56,578
- That's it.
- I need you, Mommy!
710
00:51:56,746 --> 00:51:58,941
- That's it.
- I need you, Mommy!
711
00:51:59,015 --> 00:52:02,178
- Louder!
- I need you, Mommy!
712
00:52:02,252 --> 00:52:04,584
But none of it seemed to help.
713
00:52:05,922 --> 00:52:09,483
Finally, after weeksof struggling to resist,
714
00:52:09,559 --> 00:52:12,687
I decided to do what I had beenstruggling for weeks not to do,
715
00:52:12,762 --> 00:52:15,287
even if it meant losing Christa.
716
00:52:24,574 --> 00:52:25,905
Take off clothes.
717
00:52:26,977 --> 00:52:28,342
Suck me.
718
00:52:28,411 --> 00:52:30,402
You give me money?
719
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:31,708
Oh, yeah.
720
00:52:32,616 --> 00:52:35,176
Um, twenty now,
721
00:52:35,252 --> 00:52:37,982
and twenty later
if you do everything I say.
722
00:52:41,258 --> 00:52:43,158
No, standing up.
723
00:52:48,064 --> 00:52:49,725
Yeah.
724
00:52:49,799 --> 00:52:52,097
(moaning)
725
00:52:53,136 --> 00:52:54,933
Yeah.
726
00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:57,303
Oh, wait.
First say, "I wanna suck your dick."
727
00:52:57,374 --> 00:53:01,174
No, wait.
First say, "I wanna suck your dick."
728
00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:05,610
No understand very good English.
729
00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:12,182
Say, "I want to suck your dick."
730
00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:15,787
No understand.
731
00:53:17,294 --> 00:53:19,592
Say "I"...
732
00:53:19,663 --> 00:53:23,793
No, wait. Say "I"..."I"...
733
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:27,496
Say "I."
"I"..."I"...
734
00:53:27,571 --> 00:53:29,232
"I." Say "I."
735
00:53:29,406 --> 00:53:32,307
"I." Say "I."
736
00:53:32,375 --> 00:53:38,280
The fact that she had no idea what I wassaying took a lot of the thrill out of it.
737
00:53:38,348 --> 00:53:41,511
Okay, fine, just suck it.
738
00:53:42,719 --> 00:53:45,051
(moaning)
739
00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:49,719
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
740
00:53:49,793 --> 00:53:53,786
Suck it. Yeah, suck it, you bitch.
741
00:53:53,863 --> 00:53:56,661
Yeah, suck it, slut.
742
00:53:56,733 --> 00:53:58,064
Yeah.
743
00:53:58,134 --> 00:54:00,125
(moaning)
744
00:54:01,304 --> 00:54:04,740
Oh, yeah, you love it, don't you?
You little slut.
745
00:54:04,808 --> 00:54:06,799
(moaning)
746
00:54:08,778 --> 00:54:10,837
Hold on, hold on.
747
00:54:10,914 --> 00:54:11,938
Um...
748
00:54:12,015 --> 00:54:13,778
Stand over here.
749
00:54:13,850 --> 00:54:16,785
Get over here. Yeah.
750
00:54:20,690 --> 00:54:22,681
(moaning)
751
00:54:35,639 --> 00:54:39,700
Afterwards, the mostamazing thing happened.
752
00:54:39,776 --> 00:54:42,939
She patted me affectionatelyon the butt and said...
753
00:54:43,013 --> 00:54:44,378
Come again.
754
00:54:49,686 --> 00:54:53,986
I had gone there to express that patof myself which I was most ashamed of,
755
00:54:54,057 --> 00:54:58,551
and yet she had smiled at me afterwardswith acceptance and compassion.
756
00:54:58,628 --> 00:55:01,961
I felt that I had just hada mystical experience
757
00:55:02,032 --> 00:55:04,694
and that something inside mehad finally changed.
758
00:55:06,803 --> 00:55:09,033
That night I went over to Christa's
759
00:55:09,105 --> 00:55:11,869
to tell her that I was ready to bein a committed relationship.
760
00:55:12,409 --> 00:55:15,242
- What do you want?
- I want to get back together.
761
00:55:16,780 --> 00:55:17,769
(lock bolts)
762
00:55:17,847 --> 00:55:20,714
Christa was understandably skepticalabout my transformation...
763
00:55:25,789 --> 00:55:30,249
... but I eventually managedto convince her that I was finally cured.
764
00:55:32,595 --> 00:55:34,927
Now at this point in the film,
765
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:38,695
there's supposed to be a scene
in which Christa is giving me a blow job.
766
00:55:38,768 --> 00:55:41,134
Not a real blow job, a fake blow job.
767
00:55:41,204 --> 00:55:45,641
But the actress playing Christa
has refused to do the scene.
768
00:55:46,609 --> 00:55:51,774
Do you feel like it's domineering
or something to women?
769
00:55:51,848 --> 00:55:57,718
No, it's just something that I'm
not comfortable with doing on screen.
770
00:55:57,787 --> 00:55:59,379
Could you please do it anyway?
771
00:55:59,456 --> 00:56:00,616
No.
772
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:04,217
So if you could just imagine
that she's giving me a blow job,
773
00:56:04,294 --> 00:56:07,263
and if you could also imagine
the following voice-over...
774
00:56:09,065 --> 00:56:12,262
And sex suddenly became very different.
775
00:56:12,335 --> 00:56:15,304
Instead of fantasizingthat Christa was a stranger,
776
00:56:15,372 --> 00:56:19,399
I tried to just be presentto what was happening.
777
00:56:19,476 --> 00:56:21,535
And it was overwhelming.
778
00:56:21,611 --> 00:56:24,444
I felt almost too loved.
779
00:56:24,514 --> 00:56:28,507
I couldn't believe that anotherhuman being could love me enough
780
00:56:28,585 --> 00:56:30,746
to actually want to take my penis,
781
00:56:30,820 --> 00:56:33,948
which I had alwaysconsidered ugly and dirty,
782
00:56:34,023 --> 00:56:35,752
into her mouth,
783
00:56:35,825 --> 00:56:38,589
or would be willingto swallow my semen.
784
00:56:45,368 --> 00:56:46,995
- Hey, sweetie.
- CHRISTA: Hi.
785
00:56:47,070 --> 00:56:50,528
I missed you.
How's it going?
786
00:56:50,607 --> 00:56:52,131
All right.
787
00:56:52,208 --> 00:56:53,698
Why, what's the matter?
788
00:56:56,880 --> 00:56:59,974
There's something I have to tell you.
789
00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:01,910
What?
790
00:57:04,287 --> 00:57:07,814
Remember I told you I was going
to see a movie with Robby tonight?
791
00:57:07,891 --> 00:57:09,222
Yeah.
792
00:57:11,961 --> 00:57:13,258
Well...
793
00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:16,892
Afterwards...
794
00:57:19,235 --> 00:57:22,762
I couldn't help myself,
and we started making out.
795
00:57:23,306 --> 00:57:25,866
What do you mean
you couldn't help yourself?
796
00:57:25,942 --> 00:57:29,241
I don't know. It just happened.
I wasn't planning it or anything.
797
00:57:31,047 --> 00:57:33,072
What do you mean by "making out"?
798
00:57:34,184 --> 00:57:36,311
We just like kissed and stuff.
799
00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:39,711
What do you mean "and stuff"?
800
00:57:41,224 --> 00:57:43,749
We just fooled around a little.
801
00:57:46,529 --> 00:57:48,087
And then what happened?
802
00:57:49,566 --> 00:57:52,364
I'm supposed to see him
tomorrow night for dinner.
803
00:57:52,435 --> 00:57:56,235
But I'm going to tell him I made a mistake
and I can't keep seeing him in that way.
804
00:57:58,174 --> 00:58:00,540
Caveh, I'm sorry.
805
00:58:06,382 --> 00:58:11,410
I felt incredibly jealous, but I triedmy best to transcend my feelings.
806
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:16,982
I can't do this.
I feel like I'm kissing Robby.
807
00:58:17,060 --> 00:58:19,756
I feel I can taste
his saliva in your mouth.
808
00:58:20,930 --> 00:58:24,093
Well, how do you think I feel
when you have sex with a prostitute?
809
00:58:28,037 --> 00:58:29,664
I could see her point,
810
00:58:29,739 --> 00:58:33,140
and I knew that I had no right to be jealous
after everything that I had put her through.
811
00:58:33,209 --> 00:58:35,734
But I just couldn't help myself.
812
00:58:37,313 --> 00:58:39,508
That night, I called Robby
at 3:00 in the morning
813
00:58:39,582 --> 00:58:43,575
and I asked him as a personal favor to me
to please stop making out with Christa.
814
00:58:43,653 --> 00:58:45,848
And he agreed.
815
00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:48,618
Thanks, Robby.
I really appreciate it.
816
00:58:49,192 --> 00:58:52,821
But he lied.They made out again the next night.
817
00:58:52,896 --> 00:58:56,423
- You promised you wouldn't.
- I know. I'm sorry.
818
00:58:56,499 --> 00:58:58,592
What were you thinking, Christa?
819
00:58:58,668 --> 00:59:01,398
I don't know.
I just couldn't help myself.
820
00:59:03,006 --> 00:59:05,600
She was starting to sound like me.
821
00:59:05,675 --> 00:59:08,508
Christa continuedto spend time with Robby,
822
00:59:08,578 --> 00:59:10,569
and I just got more and more jealous,
823
00:59:10,647 --> 00:59:12,444
more and more needy,
824
00:59:12,515 --> 00:59:14,540
and more and more insecure.
825
00:59:14,617 --> 00:59:15,743
(arguing)
826
00:59:15,818 --> 00:59:18,810
So we started going to couples therapy.
827
00:59:18,888 --> 00:59:22,153
So, Caveh,
what are you thinking right now?
828
00:59:28,631 --> 00:59:31,600
I was thinking that I'm attracted to you.
829
00:59:35,939 --> 00:59:39,340
Meanwhile, our fightingstarted to escalate out of control.
830
00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:40,967
(yelling)
831
00:59:42,278 --> 00:59:47,375
And before I knew it, my desire to have sexwith a prostitute had returned.
832
00:59:53,690 --> 00:59:55,885
- How much?
- What do you want?
833
00:59:55,959 --> 00:59:59,122
- How much for a blow job?
- 50 bucks.
834
00:59:59,195 --> 01:00:00,856
Let me think about it.
835
01:00:08,504 --> 01:00:12,736
After that night,I started cruising regularly,
836
01:00:12,809 --> 01:00:14,640
sometimes until dawn.
837
01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:19,081
And then I met Devin.
838
01:00:19,148 --> 01:00:21,116
Austin, Texas
839
01:00:21,184 --> 01:00:22,617
Fuck.
840
01:00:22,685 --> 01:00:25,381
I had been invitedby the Austin Film Society
841
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:27,855
to show a film thatGreg and I had co-directed.
842
01:00:29,158 --> 01:00:31,126
Devin was one of the organizers.
843
01:00:31,194 --> 01:00:32,183
Hey.
844
01:00:33,463 --> 01:00:36,762
That night we ended upgetting stoned together,
845
01:00:36,833 --> 01:00:39,859
and I found myself suddenlyfeeling very attracted to her.
846
01:00:42,105 --> 01:00:43,265
(coughs)
847
01:00:46,943 --> 01:00:51,403
And then on my last day in Austin,we decided to take mushrooms together.
848
01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:17,238
Tripping with Devin was one of the mostmystical experiences of my life.
849
01:01:19,876 --> 01:01:22,276
I felt like weunderstood each other in a way
850
01:01:22,345 --> 01:01:24,472
that I had never thought possiblebetween two people.
851
01:01:39,896 --> 01:01:44,560
After we came down, I told her the wholestory of my relationship with Christa.
852
01:01:44,634 --> 01:01:47,501
You know, I bet she's
probably fucking Robby right now.
853
01:01:47,570 --> 01:01:50,334
- Caveh, you're crazy.
- Why am I crazy?
854
01:01:50,406 --> 01:01:54,467
Because you should be happy for her.
You should hope she's having a good fuck.
855
01:01:55,311 --> 01:01:58,041
You know, you're right. I should.
856
01:01:58,114 --> 01:02:00,480
You know, I don't even
believe in monogamy.
857
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:03,348
Fuck, man, neither do I.
858
01:02:05,154 --> 01:02:07,679
It seemed to me that I hadfinally found the soul mate
859
01:02:07,757 --> 01:02:10,021
that I had been searching for all my life.
860
01:02:10,093 --> 01:02:12,186
Ow! What are you doing?
861
01:02:12,261 --> 01:02:14,991
You see, there's this person here,
his name is Caveh.
862
01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:17,532
He's real. He exists.
863
01:02:18,468 --> 01:02:21,369
- You mean me?
- Yeah, I mean you.
864
01:02:21,437 --> 01:02:26,568
Look, as noble as it is to try to sacrifice
yourself and your needs for her,
865
01:02:26,642 --> 01:02:29,941
you have to be true to yourself
because you're real, too.
866
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:33,506
But the problem is I can't stand to hurt her.
867
01:02:34,083 --> 01:02:37,849
You're hurting her more by prolonging
a relationship that isn't working
868
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,047
than by ending it right now.
869
01:02:40,123 --> 01:02:42,956
Yeah, but I'm also scared.
870
01:02:43,025 --> 01:02:47,485
I'm afraid of being lonely and horny
871
01:02:47,563 --> 01:02:51,329
and desperate and always on the prowl.
872
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:52,662
I hate that.
873
01:02:53,236 --> 01:02:56,535
Those don't sound like very good
reasons for staying together.
874
01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:58,836
You're right.
875
01:03:00,042 --> 01:03:01,339
(sighs)
876
01:03:02,578 --> 01:03:04,603
I agreed with everything she said,
877
01:03:04,680 --> 01:03:07,877
but I wondered whether Devin would
be able to accept my prostitute fetish
878
01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:09,747
any better than Christa.
879
01:03:10,920 --> 01:03:14,412
But Christa's really been trying.
I mean, I'm fucked up, too.
880
01:03:14,490 --> 01:03:19,655
Like, for example,
I have this prostitute fetish.
881
01:03:19,729 --> 01:03:24,530
Big fucking deal.
Everybody's got stuff like that.
882
01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:26,568
When Devin said those words,
883
01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:31,699
it suddenly struck me that it wasn'tmy prostitute fetish that was the problem.
884
01:03:31,774 --> 01:03:33,935
It was Christa that was the problem.
885
01:03:48,491 --> 01:03:50,254
On the way back to L.A.,
886
01:03:50,326 --> 01:03:53,261
I made up my mindto break up with Christa.
887
01:03:55,264 --> 01:03:58,290
We had been together for 3� years.
888
01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:01,868
This is the real Christa.
889
01:04:01,938 --> 01:04:05,874
For the first few years after our break-upwe weren't on the best of terms.
890
01:04:06,676 --> 01:04:09,270
But now things are better between us.
891
01:04:09,345 --> 01:04:12,746
She's since gotten marriedand recently had a baby.
892
01:04:20,623 --> 01:04:23,922
After the break-up,I couldn't stop thinking about Devin.
893
01:04:25,895 --> 01:04:28,864
For the next month,I wrote to her every day.
894
01:04:30,600 --> 01:04:34,092
And when I received an invitationfrom two European film festivals,
895
01:04:34,170 --> 01:04:36,297
I invited Devin to come along.
896
01:04:39,375 --> 01:04:41,468
(moaning)
897
01:04:41,544 --> 01:04:44,741
Our first few days together were idyllic.
898
01:04:47,483 --> 01:04:49,815
But then things got more complicated.
899
01:04:58,227 --> 01:04:59,854
I think she likes you.
900
01:04:59,929 --> 01:05:02,523
- CAVEH: You think?
- DEVIN: Definitely.
901
01:05:02,598 --> 01:05:06,159
I don't know. She's not really my type.
Not slutty enough.
902
01:05:06,235 --> 01:05:07,634
Yeah, right.
903
01:05:13,809 --> 01:05:18,906
You know, if you want to see prostitutes
while we're in Europe, feel free.
904
01:05:18,981 --> 01:05:21,848
You can just go,
"Hey, Devin, catch you later,"
905
01:05:21,918 --> 01:05:23,977
and go and do your thing.
906
01:05:26,222 --> 01:05:28,850
You know, I was thinking
about what you said earlier,
907
01:05:28,925 --> 01:05:34,886
and I just wanted to say that I really do
want to get over my prostitute fetish.
908
01:05:34,964 --> 01:05:36,488
You know, I do.
909
01:05:36,565 --> 01:05:38,931
But it did occur to me
910
01:05:39,001 --> 01:05:42,334
that maybe if I could get you to watch
while I had sex with one,
911
01:05:42,405 --> 01:05:44,236
that might be really healing for me.
912
01:05:52,848 --> 01:05:56,477
Caveh, that would be so intense for me.
913
01:05:56,552 --> 01:05:57,849
Really?
914
01:05:59,188 --> 01:06:01,713
Yeah, it would
915
01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:05,887
It's just that like a lot of it
has to do with shame,
916
01:06:05,962 --> 01:06:09,227
and I think that if you were watching,
917
01:06:09,298 --> 01:06:12,096
then it would be something
that we were doing together.
918
01:06:12,168 --> 01:06:17,162
And then I think that might help me
to not feel so much shame about it,
919
01:06:17,239 --> 01:06:22,370
and then hopefully like I wouldn't feel
the need to do it as much.
920
01:06:22,445 --> 01:06:24,572
The next day we rented a car
921
01:06:24,647 --> 01:06:28,014
and drove to Milan to see
Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper.
922
01:06:30,086 --> 01:06:31,383
Hey, a prostitute!
923
01:06:33,189 --> 01:06:35,384
Do you want to stop
and check her out?
924
01:06:35,458 --> 01:06:37,289
I don't know.
925
01:06:40,062 --> 01:06:42,030
Well, if you don't mind.
926
01:06:42,098 --> 01:06:44,293
Nah, go for it.
927
01:07:10,326 --> 01:07:12,294
So what do you think?
928
01:07:12,361 --> 01:07:13,953
Do you wanna watch?
929
01:07:14,563 --> 01:07:18,021
If it's really important to you, I will.
930
01:07:19,368 --> 01:07:21,131
Thanks, Devin.
931
01:07:21,203 --> 01:07:23,000
I really appreciate it.
932
01:07:37,319 --> 01:07:39,378
She doesn't want you to watch.
933
01:07:39,455 --> 01:07:41,480
So what do you want to do?
934
01:07:43,325 --> 01:07:44,656
I don't know.
935
01:07:48,664 --> 01:07:50,131
Let's just go.
936
01:07:50,199 --> 01:07:51,393
Okay.
937
01:08:11,654 --> 01:08:15,317
On our last day in Italy,I saw the girl from the boardwalk again.
938
01:08:23,966 --> 01:08:28,335
Her name was Paola, and it turned outthat she was an aspiring actress.
939
01:08:29,338 --> 01:08:32,739
She had seen my movie and liked it.
940
01:08:36,912 --> 01:08:38,038
DEVIN: Hey.
941
01:08:38,214 --> 01:08:40,114
Hey.
942
01:08:40,182 --> 01:08:43,310
- How'd it go?
- Great. She gave me her shoes.
943
01:08:43,385 --> 01:08:44,545
No way. Cool.
944
01:08:44,620 --> 01:08:46,588
Yeah, she saw my movie. We kissed.
945
01:08:46,655 --> 01:08:48,919
You kissed? Lucky you.
946
01:08:48,991 --> 01:08:51,391
It was an okay kiss.
Not like yours.
947
01:08:51,460 --> 01:08:52,825
Ohh.
948
01:08:53,729 --> 01:08:56,425
Mm. Did you even notice
how I kept on riding
949
01:08:56,499 --> 01:08:58,490
when you decided to go
and check her out?
950
01:08:58,567 --> 01:09:00,034
No, I guess I didn't.
951
01:09:00,102 --> 01:09:02,070
Yeah. I just wanted to point it out
952
01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:04,129
'cause I don't think most girlfriends
would have done that,
953
01:09:04,206 --> 01:09:06,367
just take off and let you do your thing.
954
01:09:06,442 --> 01:09:08,535
Yeah, I guess you're right.
955
01:09:08,611 --> 01:09:13,310
I'd just like a little appreciation,
'cause most girlfriends wouldn't stand for it,
956
01:09:13,382 --> 01:09:15,373
let alone make it easier for you.
957
01:09:15,451 --> 01:09:16,941
Yeah, that's true.
Thanks, Devin.
958
01:09:17,019 --> 01:09:19,817
- Yeah, right.
- No, I really appreciate it.
959
01:09:19,889 --> 01:09:21,516
Yeah.
960
01:09:21,590 --> 01:09:23,820
- But just do me one favor, okay?
- What?
961
01:09:23,893 --> 01:09:25,292
- Just one.
- Okay.
962
01:09:25,361 --> 01:09:27,921
Just don't fuck her in our bed, okay?
963
01:09:29,532 --> 01:09:30,624
Okay.
964
01:09:31,700 --> 01:09:33,930
I was surprised that she would care,
965
01:09:34,003 --> 01:09:37,268
but I chose to be touchedrather than alarmed.
966
01:09:39,909 --> 01:09:43,572
Paola had invited me to have a drinkwith her and her friends that night.
967
01:09:44,613 --> 01:09:47,081
I had asked Devinif she wanted to come along,
968
01:09:47,149 --> 01:09:49,413
secretly hoping she would decline.
969
01:09:50,619 --> 01:09:52,348
But she didn't decline.
970
01:09:53,622 --> 01:09:56,022
I couldn't decide where to sit,
971
01:09:56,091 --> 01:10:00,551
I wanted to sit next to Paola,but I felt I should sit next to Devin.
972
01:10:02,097 --> 01:10:04,895
I decided to compromiseby sitting next to neither,
973
01:10:04,967 --> 01:10:07,367
thereby remaining equidistant from both,
974
01:10:07,436 --> 01:10:10,599
like Christ in da Vinci's
The Last Supper.
975
01:10:23,419 --> 01:10:26,582
I'm going to head back to the hotel.
I'll see you later.
976
01:10:26,655 --> 01:10:28,418
Don't you want to go swimming?
977
01:10:28,490 --> 01:10:32,017
No. Why don't you go
with your Italian friend?
978
01:10:33,028 --> 01:10:35,519
I'd rather go with you.
979
01:10:35,598 --> 01:10:38,761
Nah, go with her.
See ya.
980
01:10:56,051 --> 01:10:57,746
Are you sure
you don't want to swim naked?
981
01:10:57,820 --> 01:10:59,515
Yes, I'm sure.
982
01:11:00,256 --> 01:11:01,848
No, it'll be fun.
983
01:11:01,924 --> 01:11:04,051
- No.
- Really.
984
01:11:10,733 --> 01:11:12,462
Are you sure you don't want
to sleep together?
985
01:11:12,534 --> 01:11:16,061
Yes, I'm sure.
But maybe when you come to Torino.
986
01:11:16,138 --> 01:11:17,765
Great, I'll probably be old by then.
987
01:11:17,840 --> 01:11:19,671
I'll write to you.
988
01:11:19,742 --> 01:11:20,868
(sighs)
989
01:11:20,943 --> 01:11:22,570
Okay.
990
01:11:22,645 --> 01:11:26,911
And if ever you need someone
to act in one of your movies,
991
01:11:26,982 --> 01:11:28,609
just give me a call.
992
01:11:28,684 --> 01:11:31,016
That was the linethat made me hate myself.
993
01:11:31,086 --> 01:11:32,383
Okay.
994
01:11:32,454 --> 01:11:35,355
I felt like a sleazyHollywood film director.
995
01:11:40,763 --> 01:11:45,257
On the way home, I hada nightmarish vision of my future.
996
01:11:45,334 --> 01:11:50,271
I saw myself 20 years later,aging and still alone.
997
01:11:53,108 --> 01:11:57,943
By the time I got back to the hotel,I was feeling empty and depressed.
998
01:11:59,081 --> 01:12:03,609
All I wanted was to get into bedand snuggle up next to Devin.
999
01:12:15,264 --> 01:12:16,663
Devin!
1000
01:12:19,902 --> 01:12:21,631
Devin!
1001
01:12:33,115 --> 01:12:35,948
- So did you fuck her?
- No, I didn't.
1002
01:12:36,018 --> 01:12:38,248
Why not? She wanted you.
1003
01:12:38,320 --> 01:12:40,254
Not enough, apparently.
1004
01:12:41,290 --> 01:12:43,952
Well, I almost fucked somebody.
1005
01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:45,857
Who?
1006
01:12:45,928 --> 01:12:48,055
Some dude that I met in a bar.
1007
01:12:48,130 --> 01:12:49,995
Here.
1008
01:12:50,065 --> 01:12:51,396
Sorry.
1009
01:12:52,835 --> 01:12:54,962
I felt jealous and insecure,
1010
01:12:55,037 --> 01:12:57,471
but I wanted to believethat Devin and I were engaged
1011
01:12:57,539 --> 01:13:00,736
in a high-minded experimentin self-transcendence.
1012
01:13:03,345 --> 01:13:06,109
The next day we flew to Munich.
1013
01:13:06,181 --> 01:13:08,172
(groaning)
1014
01:13:08,250 --> 01:13:10,844
Fuck, I've got such a fucking hangover.
1015
01:13:11,920 --> 01:13:15,617
Excuse me, miss,
can I have a scotch, please?
1016
01:13:15,691 --> 01:13:17,454
- STEWARDESS: One scotch?
- Yeah.
1017
01:13:19,862 --> 01:13:23,855
- I thought you had a hangover.
- I do. That's why I need a drink.
1018
01:13:24,566 --> 01:13:26,158
Is that a good idea?
1019
01:13:26,235 --> 01:13:28,965
It's the only way.
1020
01:13:30,806 --> 01:13:33,639
It's true.
I know what I'm doing.
1021
01:13:35,611 --> 01:13:36,805
Okay.
1022
01:13:38,180 --> 01:13:41,115
But this is my last drink.
I promise.
1023
01:13:49,324 --> 01:13:50,791
You promised you weren't
going to drink anymore.
1024
01:13:50,859 --> 01:13:54,852
Well, the guy kept buying me beers.
I couldn't really turn him down.
1025
01:13:54,930 --> 01:13:57,865
- Why not?
- Free beers, man.
1026
01:13:57,933 --> 01:14:02,370
It was starting to dawn on methat Devin had a drinking problem.
1027
01:14:02,438 --> 01:14:03,928
Now, I should probably explain
1028
01:14:04,006 --> 01:14:08,102
that the actress playing Devin
had a drinking problem in real life.
1029
01:14:14,850 --> 01:14:16,909
(humming)
1030
01:14:19,488 --> 01:14:20,477
(laughs)
1031
01:14:20,556 --> 01:14:23,320
The cause of and answer to
all of life's problems.
1032
01:14:23,392 --> 01:14:25,622
But getting back to the story...
1033
01:14:25,694 --> 01:14:27,662
(TV playing)
1034
01:14:27,729 --> 01:14:30,596
Devin, stop it. You said that was
going to be your last one.
1035
01:14:31,533 --> 01:14:34,764
Why don't you go fuck a prostitute
and leave me alone?
1036
01:14:35,904 --> 01:14:40,341
Devin, what are you talking about?
You said you were going to stop drinking!
1037
01:14:41,076 --> 01:14:42,941
I guess I changed my mind.
1038
01:14:44,279 --> 01:14:47,043
Devin, I think you've had enough.
1039
01:14:47,950 --> 01:14:50,612
Well, that's funny, Caveh,
because I don't think I have.
1040
01:14:55,891 --> 01:14:57,381
Fuck!
1041
01:14:57,459 --> 01:15:00,019
You fucking prick!
That shit's expensive!
1042
01:15:07,903 --> 01:15:09,894
I was starting to miss Christa.
1043
01:15:14,042 --> 01:15:17,637
That night, I spoketo every prostitute in Munich.
1044
01:15:17,713 --> 01:15:18,702
Um...
1045
01:15:22,251 --> 01:15:23,445
Blasen?
1046
01:15:23,519 --> 01:15:26,454
- Blasen?- Blasen. Ja. Blasen.
1047
01:15:31,793 --> 01:15:36,253
After conversing with the street prostitutes,I made the rounds of the brothels.
1048
01:15:59,421 --> 01:16:02,948
There was one prostituteI found especially tempting.
1049
01:16:10,732 --> 01:16:13,200
I was dying to have sex with her,
1050
01:16:13,268 --> 01:16:15,634
but I managed to resist.
1051
01:16:16,972 --> 01:16:18,906
And I returned to the hotel
1052
01:16:18,974 --> 01:16:23,104
excited to tell Devinthat I had successfully resisted.
1053
01:16:27,950 --> 01:16:31,351
The next day the film festival organizers
1054
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:35,356
insisted that we pay a $300 finefor damages to the room
1055
01:16:35,424 --> 01:16:38,291
and that we leave townimmediately after my screening.
1056
01:16:41,496 --> 01:16:47,435
I am not having another drink
for a long time, I can tell you that.
1057
01:16:49,705 --> 01:16:51,195
Well, good. I'm glad.
1058
01:16:56,278 --> 01:16:59,714
Devin had a bad hangoverand slept all afternoon.
1059
01:17:00,849 --> 01:17:04,649
It was our last day in Munich,so I decided to go sightseeing.
1060
01:17:04,720 --> 01:17:06,813
(music playing)
1061
01:17:17,666 --> 01:17:19,190
Cheers.
1062
01:17:20,469 --> 01:17:22,334
Fuck you, Devin.
1063
01:17:32,481 --> 01:17:34,449
Where are you going?
1064
01:17:35,117 --> 01:17:36,982
I'm gonna get a blow job.
1065
01:17:37,052 --> 01:17:39,543
Okay, I'll come with you.
1066
01:17:41,423 --> 01:17:42,981
I don't want you to.
1067
01:17:43,058 --> 01:17:45,686
Why not? I thought
you wanted me to watch.
1068
01:17:45,761 --> 01:17:49,788
Didn't you say you wanted your girlfriends
to watch so you could feel "accepted"?
1069
01:17:49,865 --> 01:17:52,060
Well, I'm mad at you right now.
1070
01:17:52,134 --> 01:17:55,592
Well, hey, pal, it's your big chance.
1071
01:18:32,507 --> 01:18:34,941
- Do you speak English?
- Yes.
1072
01:18:35,610 --> 01:18:36,599
Um, hi.
1073
01:18:36,678 --> 01:18:39,238
Um, I'm looking for a woman
who was here last night.
1074
01:18:39,314 --> 01:18:41,077
She had black hair.
Is she here?
1075
01:18:41,149 --> 01:18:45,848
She's going to be busy for another hour.
Maybe I can help you.
1076
01:18:45,921 --> 01:18:47,548
Um...
1077
01:18:47,622 --> 01:18:49,590
I was really hoping to see her.
1078
01:18:49,658 --> 01:18:51,091
I am very good.
1079
01:18:51,159 --> 01:18:55,459
I'm sure that's true,
but I need to think about it.
1080
01:18:55,530 --> 01:18:56,827
Okay.
1081
01:19:00,969 --> 01:19:03,267
I don't see the one I came for.
1082
01:19:03,338 --> 01:19:06,865
So why don't you get your dick sucked
by one of these?
1083
01:19:07,876 --> 01:19:10,572
Because I liked the other one better.
1084
01:19:10,645 --> 01:19:12,704
- Well, if she's not here...
- She is here.
1085
01:19:12,781 --> 01:19:15,978
She says she's with a customer.
She'll be done in an hour.
1086
01:19:16,051 --> 01:19:19,987
An hour?
We're going to wait an hour?
1087
01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,891
I need another drink.
1088
01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:28,487
Devin, we can't afford another drink.
1089
01:19:28,563 --> 01:19:31,031
What do you mean
we can't afford another drink?
1090
01:19:31,099 --> 01:19:34,591
You bring your girlfriend to a brothel
and you won't even buy her a drink?
1091
01:19:34,669 --> 01:19:38,002
Devin, we only have 200 marks left.
It's just enough for me to get a blow job.
1092
01:19:38,073 --> 01:19:40,064
It's not enough for a drink and a blow job.
1093
01:19:40,142 --> 01:19:42,633
Man, fuck you, Caveh.
I want a drink.
1094
01:19:42,711 --> 01:19:45,145
Devin, you haven't even finished
what's in your glass.
1095
01:19:48,683 --> 01:19:50,275
There, it's finished.
1096
01:20:00,629 --> 01:20:01,789
Here.
1097
01:20:02,931 --> 01:20:04,523
Thank you.
1098
01:20:04,599 --> 01:20:08,592
Excuse me. The woman
you wanted is available now.
1099
01:20:08,670 --> 01:20:10,001
Follow me.
1100
01:20:18,346 --> 01:20:22,510
I'm sorry, I was looking
for a different woman with black hair.
1101
01:20:22,584 --> 01:20:26,315
- She was here last night.
- She's not here tonight.
1102
01:20:30,325 --> 01:20:33,294
- That wasn't her.
- What do you mean?
1103
01:20:33,361 --> 01:20:35,261
The one I wanted isn't here tonight.
1104
01:20:35,330 --> 01:20:38,322
We waited a fucking hour
and she's not here?
1105
01:20:39,835 --> 01:20:41,063
Yeah.
1106
01:20:42,237 --> 01:20:44,671
So what do you want to do?
Do you want to go?
1107
01:20:47,142 --> 01:20:48,769
I'm not sure.
1108
01:20:49,644 --> 01:20:51,134
I can't decide.
1109
01:20:51,913 --> 01:20:54,313
Well, why don't you
fuck one of those?
1110
01:20:55,183 --> 01:20:57,413
I don't know.
I really wanted that one.
1111
01:20:57,485 --> 01:21:00,283
You know, I'm not that attracted
to any of the other ones.
1112
01:21:00,956 --> 01:21:04,255
We came all the way here.
You might as well do it.
1113
01:21:09,865 --> 01:21:12,959
So, you want to go upstairs with me?
1114
01:21:13,034 --> 01:21:16,128
Um, maybe. I'm not sure.
1115
01:21:16,204 --> 01:21:18,866
I can give you very much pleasure.
1116
01:21:18,940 --> 01:21:21,067
I'm sure that's true.
1117
01:21:25,814 --> 01:21:27,839
So, are you ready?
1118
01:21:27,916 --> 01:21:30,908
Um, I don't know.
I can't decide.
1119
01:21:30,986 --> 01:21:32,783
Maybe I can help you decide.
1120
01:21:32,854 --> 01:21:34,014
Um...
1121
01:21:34,089 --> 01:21:37,320
- What do you think?
- Well, it's certainly very tempting.
1122
01:21:39,628 --> 01:21:40,856
Where are you going?
1123
01:21:40,929 --> 01:21:44,057
Don't worry about her.
She'll be fine.
1124
01:21:44,132 --> 01:21:47,590
- Where are they going?
- She won't hurt her.
1125
01:21:48,603 --> 01:21:51,436
Um, I'm sorry.
I have to go.
1126
01:22:07,822 --> 01:22:10,620
Fuck you, Caveh!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
1127
01:22:10,692 --> 01:22:13,217
- Devin, calm down.
- Fuck you!
1128
01:22:13,295 --> 01:22:14,523
What did she say to you?
1129
01:22:14,596 --> 01:22:17,793
She was actually concerned
about me, unlike you!
1130
01:22:17,866 --> 01:22:20,596
She said, "Come with me,
and I'll take care of you
1131
01:22:20,669 --> 01:22:22,660
and I'll make you feel better."
1132
01:22:23,838 --> 01:22:25,567
Did she mean sexually?
1133
01:22:25,640 --> 01:22:29,098
It's all you can think about, isn't it?
1134
01:22:29,177 --> 01:22:30,804
Well, is that what she meant?
1135
01:22:30,879 --> 01:22:32,437
I'm getting out!
1136
01:22:32,514 --> 01:22:35,278
Devin, no, wait!
Stop it! Close it!
1137
01:22:44,292 --> 01:22:49,093
When we got back to the hotel,Devin insisted on giving me a blow job.
1138
01:22:49,164 --> 01:22:53,601
I told her I didn't want one,but she held me down and forced me.
1139
01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:58,364
I was scared the whole time thatshe was going to bite my penis off.
1140
01:22:58,440 --> 01:23:00,465
(moaning)
1141
01:23:02,110 --> 01:23:05,011
The next morning we flew to New York.
1142
01:23:16,491 --> 01:23:17,685
How much?
1143
01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:39,105
Let me pull it out for you.
1144
01:23:41,282 --> 01:23:42,874
Get down on your knees.
1145
01:23:42,951 --> 01:23:45,977
I'm not getting down on my fucking knees.
There's broken glass.
1146
01:23:46,054 --> 01:23:47,715
Oh. Sorry.
1147
01:24:04,806 --> 01:24:08,503
The next daywe went our separate ways.
1148
01:24:10,245 --> 01:24:14,011
I wanted to say "I love you,"but I couldn't.
1149
01:24:15,050 --> 01:24:20,352
But as I headed towards the gate,I felt able to say it and wanted to.
1150
01:24:21,956 --> 01:24:23,890
But it was too late.
1151
01:24:27,462 --> 01:24:29,521
This is the real Devin.
1152
01:24:29,597 --> 01:24:32,122
We remained friends over the years,
1153
01:24:32,200 --> 01:24:37,035
and she later appeared in a film I madecalled I Don't Hate Las Vegas Anymore.
1154
01:24:37,105 --> 01:24:40,563
By then she had alreadybeen diagnosed with cancer
1155
01:24:40,642 --> 01:24:44,442
and had just undergone chemotherapy.
1156
01:24:45,447 --> 01:24:47,642
She died three years later.
1157
01:24:57,158 --> 01:25:01,390
On the way home,I felt an overwhelming sense of loss.
1158
01:25:02,530 --> 01:25:04,293
Ever since I had met Devin,
1159
01:25:04,365 --> 01:25:06,856
I had believed that I hadfinally found the one person
1160
01:25:06,935 --> 01:25:08,869
who could accept me the way I was.
1161
01:25:11,406 --> 01:25:14,807
But now I realized that I had been wrong.
1162
01:25:16,845 --> 01:25:21,179
I had once read somewhere thateveryone who comes into our lives
1163
01:25:21,249 --> 01:25:25,117
is a mirror for something inside usthat we're not seeing.
1164
01:25:25,186 --> 01:25:26,983
So I asked myself
1165
01:25:27,055 --> 01:25:31,958
how Devin might be a mirror for somethinginside me that I wasn't seeing.
1166
01:25:32,494 --> 01:25:35,224
At first I couldn't see it.
1167
01:25:35,296 --> 01:25:39,426
Devin was an alcoholic,I wasn't an alcoholic.
1168
01:25:40,335 --> 01:25:44,704
But then it suddenly occurred to methat even though I wasn't an alcoholic,
1169
01:25:44,772 --> 01:25:48,731
I was kind of like an alcoholic about sex.
1170
01:25:56,751 --> 01:25:58,275
- Caveh?
- Yeah, hi.
1171
01:25:58,353 --> 01:25:59,718
Hi.
1172
01:25:59,787 --> 01:26:03,018
Back in L.A. I went to see a therapist
1173
01:26:03,091 --> 01:26:06,583
who suggested I attenda Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.
1174
01:26:47,101 --> 01:26:51,697
I scanned the faces of the other menin the room for signs of perversion,
1175
01:26:51,773 --> 01:26:53,866
but they looked just like anybody else.
1176
01:26:57,645 --> 01:26:59,840
Good evening, my name is Ken.
1177
01:26:59,914 --> 01:27:02,144
I'm a recovering sex addict.
1178
01:27:02,217 --> 01:27:03,878
ALL: Hi, Ken.
1179
01:27:03,952 --> 01:27:08,719
Welcome to the Monday night male-only
meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous.
1180
01:27:08,790 --> 01:27:10,758
This is a closed meeting.
1181
01:27:10,825 --> 01:27:14,488
Only those desiring
their own sexual abstinence, please.
1182
01:27:14,562 --> 01:27:16,393
In S.A.A., we define abstinence
1183
01:27:16,464 --> 01:27:19,922
not as the complete elimination
of all sexuality from the addict's life,
1184
01:27:20,001 --> 01:27:22,868
but only of those
compulsive sexual behaviors
1185
01:27:22,937 --> 01:27:26,703
that lead to pitiful
and incomprehensible demoralization.
1186
01:27:26,774 --> 01:27:28,332
We leave it up to the individual to decide
1187
01:27:28,409 --> 01:27:31,469
which compulsive behaviors
he wishes to abstain from.
1188
01:27:31,546 --> 01:27:33,343
I said that I'm a sex addict.
1189
01:27:33,414 --> 01:27:36,144
Are there any other sex addicts present?
1190
01:27:40,054 --> 01:27:43,046
Hi, everybody. My name's Sasha
and I'm a sex addict.
1191
01:27:43,124 --> 01:27:44,386
ALL: Hi, Sasha.
1192
01:27:44,459 --> 01:27:48,395
Last week I finally took all my porn
and I just put it in a garbage bag
1193
01:27:48,463 --> 01:27:52,058
and I just hauled it out
'cause I was just so sick of it.
1194
01:27:52,133 --> 01:27:54,727
And I think of all the hundreds
and thousands of hours
1195
01:27:54,802 --> 01:27:58,329
I'm wasting in my car cruising...
1196
01:27:58,406 --> 01:27:59,964
...staying in sex clubs all night
1197
01:28:00,041 --> 01:28:03,442
when there's absolutely nobody
that I want to have sex with at all.
1198
01:28:03,511 --> 01:28:08,244
And it really started to affect
my work, my marriage...
1199
01:28:08,316 --> 01:28:10,045
Everyone had a different addiction.
1200
01:28:10,118 --> 01:28:12,882
Ken was into gay bath houses.
1201
01:28:12,954 --> 01:28:16,321
Ron was a compulsive masturbator.
1202
01:28:16,391 --> 01:28:19,258
And Tom was a voyeur.
1203
01:28:19,327 --> 01:28:21,955
But their storiesall had one thing in common...
1204
01:28:22,030 --> 01:28:24,760
that the more they hadindulged their addictions,
1205
01:28:24,832 --> 01:28:27,528
the stronger their addictions had become.
1206
01:28:27,602 --> 01:28:30,730
I'm in my hallway and I'm bleeding,
1207
01:28:30,805 --> 01:28:34,901
and I just realized that that's it,
I'm at fucking rock bottom.
1208
01:28:34,976 --> 01:28:40,380
And I really need some support tonight,
'cause it's been a really hard week.
1209
01:28:40,948 --> 01:28:44,145
(clapping)
1210
01:28:45,653 --> 01:28:49,350
It's 9:15. This is the time
we usually set aside for newcomers.
1211
01:28:49,424 --> 01:28:52,291
Would any of the newcomers like to share?
1212
01:28:56,864 --> 01:28:58,229
Yes.
1213
01:29:07,642 --> 01:29:11,578
As you can see, I'm notvery good at crying on camera.
1214
01:29:11,646 --> 01:29:14,342
But I did actually break down and cry
1215
01:29:14,415 --> 01:29:17,179
at that first Sex Addicts Anonymous
meeting that I went to,
1216
01:29:17,251 --> 01:29:20,448
and I actually happened
to tape record the meeting.
1217
01:29:20,521 --> 01:29:24,981
And this is actually the tape
that I made at that first meeting.
1218
01:29:25,960 --> 01:29:28,929
This was in 1991.
1219
01:29:28,996 --> 01:29:31,294
And I'm just going to play it for you
1220
01:29:31,366 --> 01:29:35,268
so you can hear what it sounded like.
1221
01:29:37,071 --> 01:29:40,234
CAVEH: I feel really movedby what everybody is saying.
1222
01:29:40,308 --> 01:29:42,367
- MAN: What's your name?- My name's Robert.
1223
01:29:42,443 --> 01:29:44,809
ALL: Hi, Robert.
1224
01:29:44,879 --> 01:29:46,813
I didn't use my real name.
1225
01:29:48,449 --> 01:29:49,438
(blows nose)
1226
01:29:49,517 --> 01:29:50,711
I'm blowing my nose.
1227
01:29:50,785 --> 01:29:52,650
I used to be married and...
1228
01:29:57,158 --> 01:29:58,682
It's hard to talk.
1229
01:30:01,796 --> 01:30:04,424
I started seeing prostitutes and...
1230
01:30:05,900 --> 01:30:08,232
... it destroyed my marriage and...
1231
01:30:10,638 --> 01:30:12,105
Then I got...
1232
01:30:13,941 --> 01:30:16,205
... involved with somebody else and...
1233
01:30:17,979 --> 01:30:20,209
... that just ended recently...
1234
01:30:20,281 --> 01:30:21,680
(crying)
1235
01:30:21,749 --> 01:30:23,376
... for the same reason.
1236
01:30:24,185 --> 01:30:26,551
Ooh, I hit the record button.
1237
01:30:27,688 --> 01:30:29,485
Anyway, that was, uh...
1238
01:30:30,391 --> 01:30:33,121
That was that.
I mean, there's more, but...
1239
01:30:34,195 --> 01:30:35,662
Let's go back to the movie.
1240
01:30:35,730 --> 01:30:38,995
I started going to meetingsregularly after that
1241
01:30:39,066 --> 01:30:43,127
and was eventually able to stophaving sex with prostitutes long enough
1242
01:30:43,204 --> 01:30:44,637
to get married again.
1243
01:30:46,741 --> 01:30:49,869
Unfortunately, that marriagedidn't work out so well.
1244
01:30:50,845 --> 01:30:53,973
Two years later, as our marriagewas falling apart,
1245
01:30:54,048 --> 01:30:58,678
I had sex with a prostituteand told my wife.
1246
01:30:58,753 --> 01:31:00,983
She filed for divorce soon after.
1247
01:31:02,623 --> 01:31:05,023
Hi, my name's Caveh.
I'm a sex addict.
1248
01:31:05,092 --> 01:31:06,616
ALL: Hi, Caveh.
1249
01:31:06,694 --> 01:31:08,321
It wasn't easy,
1250
01:31:08,396 --> 01:31:11,991
but after several more years of goingto meetings at least once a week,
1251
01:31:12,066 --> 01:31:15,661
I was eventually able to stop having sexwith prostitutes altogether.
1252
01:31:15,736 --> 01:31:19,604
It's hard to explain
how I was eventually able to stop.
1253
01:31:19,674 --> 01:31:22,234
It wasn't just one thing.
1254
01:31:22,310 --> 01:31:27,612
But the way I think about it is in terms
of the story of Orpheus and the Sirens.
1255
01:31:30,651 --> 01:31:33,279
The Sirens were these mythical creatures
1256
01:31:33,354 --> 01:31:35,549
whose singing was so seductive
1257
01:31:35,623 --> 01:31:38,990
that anyone hearing themwould go insane with desire.
1258
01:31:41,162 --> 01:31:44,825
Sailors would fling themselvesoverboard to try to reach them,
1259
01:31:44,899 --> 01:31:47,595
only to die upon the rocks below.
1260
01:31:49,136 --> 01:31:53,095
But when Jason and the Argonautshad to sail past the Sirens,
1261
01:31:53,174 --> 01:31:56,610
Orpheus, the greatest singerin ancient Greece,
1262
01:31:56,677 --> 01:31:58,611
came up with an ingenious idea.
1263
01:31:58,679 --> 01:32:00,010
(ting)
1264
01:32:01,182 --> 01:32:03,309
He simply started singing.
1265
01:32:04,452 --> 01:32:06,977
And because his song was so beautiful,
1266
01:32:07,054 --> 01:32:10,217
the oarsmen had ears only for his song
1267
01:32:10,291 --> 01:32:12,384
and didn't even hear the Sirens.
1268
01:32:14,195 --> 01:32:16,322
And I feel likethat's what happened to me.
1269
01:32:17,698 --> 01:32:19,928
I heard a more beautiful song.
1270
01:32:31,979 --> 01:32:34,971
- And then I met Mandy.
- Hi.
1271
01:32:35,049 --> 01:32:37,950
- This is Mandy.
- We just went swimming.
1272
01:32:38,019 --> 01:32:42,080
We met in a dance classand fell in love soon afterwards.
1273
01:32:44,525 --> 01:32:47,358
We've been together for seven years now,
1274
01:32:47,428 --> 01:32:50,397
which is by far the longestI've ever been with anyone.
1275
01:32:52,300 --> 01:32:54,598
- CAVEH: I love you, sweetie.
- I love you, too.
1276
01:32:54,669 --> 01:32:56,569
Now, I'm not saying we never fight.
1277
01:32:56,637 --> 01:32:59,629
Mandy, I was willing to talk about it.
You weren't.
1278
01:32:59,707 --> 01:33:01,698
We fight a lot.
1279
01:33:01,776 --> 01:33:04,609
Now he's in here and he's filming me.
1280
01:33:04,679 --> 01:33:08,115
But fighting no longer makes mewant to go have sex with a prostitute
1281
01:33:08,182 --> 01:33:10,309
or look for a new girlfriend.
1282
01:33:10,384 --> 01:33:15,151
Instead, I just hang in thereand really try to work it out.
1283
01:33:15,890 --> 01:33:17,619
(exhales)
1284
01:33:17,692 --> 01:33:20,684
I could go on and on
about how great she is,
1285
01:33:20,761 --> 01:33:22,752
but the wedding's about to begin.
1286
01:33:22,830 --> 01:33:24,730
Greg, let's do the boutonniere.
1287
01:33:52,193 --> 01:33:54,286
Are you ready?
Here we go.
1288
01:34:20,121 --> 01:34:23,215
(Pachelbel's Canon in D Major playing)
1289
01:35:52,179 --> 01:35:54,147
MAN: One, two, three.
1290
01:35:54,215 --> 01:35:57,207
(Jonathan Richman's My BabyLove Love Loves Me Now playing)
1291
01:36:08,996 --> 01:36:12,830
# Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now #
1292
01:36:12,900 --> 01:36:16,358
# Even more than I prayed for #
1293
01:36:16,437 --> 01:36:20,066
# My baby love, love, loves me now #
1294
01:36:20,141 --> 01:36:23,042
# Even more than I prayed #
1295
01:36:23,110 --> 01:36:24,805
# I prayed #
1296
01:36:24,879 --> 01:36:26,574
# I have #
1297
01:36:27,281 --> 01:36:30,978
# But I didn't expect this #
1298
01:36:31,051 --> 01:36:34,680
# My baby love, love, loves me now #
1299
01:36:34,755 --> 01:36:38,156
# Even more than I prayed for #
1300
01:36:38,225 --> 01:36:40,853
# Even more than I prayed #
1301
01:36:40,928 --> 01:36:42,953
# Well, she loves #
1302
01:36:43,030 --> 01:36:45,590
# She does #
1303
01:36:45,666 --> 01:36:48,567
# But I had to be ready for it #
1304
01:36:48,636 --> 01:36:50,297
# She loves #
1305
01:36:50,371 --> 01:36:52,498
# She does #
1306
01:36:52,573 --> 01:36:55,303
# But I had to be ready #
1307
01:36:55,376 --> 01:36:57,640
# And I prayed #
1308
01:36:57,711 --> 01:36:59,906
# I have #
1309
01:36:59,980 --> 01:37:02,710
# And I was blessed #
1310
01:37:03,684 --> 01:37:07,313
# Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now #
1311
01:37:07,388 --> 01:37:10,915
# Even more than I prayed for #
1312
01:37:10,991 --> 01:37:13,789
# Even more than I prayed #
1313
01:37:46,627 --> 01:37:50,290
# Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now #
1314
01:37:50,364 --> 01:37:53,800
# Even more than I prayed for #
1315
01:37:53,868 --> 01:37:57,599
# Oh, my baby love, love, loves me now #
1316
01:37:57,671 --> 01:38:00,299
# Even more than I prayed #
1317
01:38:00,374 --> 01:38:02,535
# Well, she loves #
1318
01:38:02,610 --> 01:38:04,737
# She hates #
1319
01:38:04,812 --> 01:38:07,610
# But she communicates #
1320
01:38:08,749 --> 01:38:12,310
# And my baby love, love, loves me now #
1321
01:38:12,386 --> 01:38:15,878
# Even more than I prayed for #
1322
01:38:15,956 --> 01:38:18,322
# Even more than I prayed #
1323
01:38:18,392 --> 01:38:20,724
# Well, she loves #
1324
01:38:20,794 --> 01:38:23,024
# She does #
1325
01:38:23,097 --> 01:38:26,123
# But I had to be ready for it #
1326
01:38:26,200 --> 01:38:27,997
# She loves #
1327
01:38:28,068 --> 01:38:30,366
# She does #
1328
01:38:30,437 --> 01:38:33,099
# But I had to be ready #
1329
01:38:33,173 --> 01:38:35,334
# And I prayed #
1330
01:38:35,409 --> 01:38:37,775
# I asked, yeah #
1331
01:38:37,845 --> 01:38:40,143
# And I was blessed #
1332
01:38:40,214 --> 01:38:41,806
# Love, love, love #
1333
01:38:41,882 --> 01:38:45,716
# My baby love, love, loves me now #
1334
01:38:45,786 --> 01:38:49,984
# Even more than I prayed for #
1335
01:38:50,057 --> 01:38:53,788
# Even more than I prayed #
109949
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