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1
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This programme contains
some strong language.
2
00:00:08,038 --> 00:00:10,238
It's been a while since
I've been on a date.
3
00:00:10,238 --> 00:00:13,198
It's all about first impressions.
4
00:00:16,811 --> 00:00:19,611
Oh, hey! Sorry I'm late.
5
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,011
Stop it, stop it.
6
00:00:27,011 --> 00:00:29,131
Sorry I'm late,
7
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but the Nobel Peace
Prize ceremony ran over.
8
00:00:36,171 --> 00:00:38,011
Hey!
9
00:00:38,011 --> 00:00:40,051
Sorry I'm late.
10
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Sleep.
11
00:00:49,171 --> 00:00:51,011
Hey! Sorry I'm late.
12
00:00:51,011 --> 00:00:53,011
I'm on a government mission.
13
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:56,051
Oh, hey! Sorry I'm late.
14
00:00:56,051 --> 00:00:57,851
My name's Don.
15
00:00:57,851 --> 00:00:59,811
But some people call me...
16
00:00:59,811 --> 00:01:01,411
Transporter-tron.
17
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:06,331
Are you still waiting for your date,
madam? Yes.
18
00:01:06,331 --> 00:01:08,851
Well, wait no longer...
19
00:01:13,131 --> 00:01:15,371
Sorry I'm late.
20
00:01:15,371 --> 00:01:17,891
So, shall we order some wine?
21
00:01:17,891 --> 00:01:22,411
I guess I'll just have to rely on
my charm and wit. Sorry I'm late.
22
00:01:22,411 --> 00:01:24,051
By an hour. Really?
23
00:01:26,931 --> 00:01:29,491
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
24
00:01:29,491 --> 00:01:32,691
Jesus, sorry, sorry! Ow!
25
00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:34,371
Impressive, eh?
26
00:01:53,291 --> 00:01:57,331
Ready to order, Madam?
Er, yeah, I'll have the salad to start and then the risotto.
27
00:01:57,331 --> 00:01:59,811
Excellent choice.
Excellent choice?
28
00:01:59,811 --> 00:02:02,131
Why do waiters say that?
As if they'd ever say...
29
00:02:02,131 --> 00:02:05,371
That has got to be the most
pathetic order I've ever heard!
30
00:02:05,371 --> 00:02:07,691
I mean really,
you should be ashamed of yourself!
31
00:02:07,691 --> 00:02:11,171
And for you, sir?
32
00:02:11,171 --> 00:02:13,091
Er... not sure, er...
33
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:16,691
I'm rubbish at making
decisions under pressure.
34
00:02:16,691 --> 00:02:20,611
Come on, Don.
Salad to start and then the risotto?
35
00:02:20,611 --> 00:02:23,051
To drink? No, I'll eat it.
Very good, sir.
36
00:02:23,051 --> 00:02:25,491
I meant,
what would you like to drink?
37
00:02:27,171 --> 00:02:30,491
Oh, er, we'll have
whatever that wine was.
38
00:02:30,491 --> 00:02:32,011
Marvellous.
39
00:02:32,011 --> 00:02:35,811
Marvellous? Why was it marvellous?
Oh, well that was annoying. Really?
40
00:02:35,811 --> 00:02:40,051
Why? Well, he just stood there,
pressuring me into ordering quickly.
41
00:02:40,051 --> 00:02:41,811
Couldn't just go off and come back.
42
00:02:41,811 --> 00:02:44,291
I mean, I don't even like risotto.
Excuse me!
43
00:02:44,291 --> 00:02:46,291
Oh, no,
I don't want to cause a fuss.
44
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It's no fuss. Madam? Yeah, we'd
like to change his order.
45
00:02:49,651 --> 00:02:51,651
I'm afraid I've already
put the order through.
46
00:02:51,651 --> 00:02:53,251
Yeah, but like two seconds ago.
47
00:02:53,251 --> 00:02:56,211
Yes, but...
I don't fucking believe this!
48
00:02:56,211 --> 00:03:00,091
First you pressure him into ordering
something he doesn't even want...
49
00:03:00,091 --> 00:03:04,491
He didn't.
And then you can't do a simple thing like change the fucking order!
50
00:03:04,491 --> 00:03:08,291
OK, madam. OK. I'll
see to it the order gets changed.
51
00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:10,371
What would you like instead, sir?
52
00:03:12,091 --> 00:03:14,251
Er... Don?
53
00:03:14,251 --> 00:03:17,411
Tiramisu? For your main course?
54
00:03:17,411 --> 00:03:19,291
Yes? Yes!
55
00:03:19,291 --> 00:03:23,251
OK. Whatever you want sir, yeah?
56
00:03:23,251 --> 00:03:27,851
There you go, you see? No fuss.
57
00:03:29,771 --> 00:03:31,691
I hate tiramisu.
58
00:03:31,691 --> 00:03:33,531
Especially for mains. Excuse me!
59
00:03:33,531 --> 00:03:35,571
No, no, no!
60
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:45,011
Cock a doodle-do, Don.
Where's my breakfast?
61
00:03:45,011 --> 00:03:49,291
Well, it's midday,
I assumed you didn't want any...
62
00:03:49,291 --> 00:03:51,931
Never mind.
I'll make my own breakfast.
63
00:03:54,971 --> 00:03:57,171
You're getting slack, Eddie Singh.
64
00:03:57,171 --> 00:03:59,371
Slack.
65
00:04:02,131 --> 00:04:04,291
Ice cream for breakfast?
66
00:04:04,291 --> 00:04:07,371
No. Brunch, actually. Brunch.
67
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,931
Breakfast and lunch, brunch.
68
00:04:12,931 --> 00:04:16,411
I wonder why they never invented
one for late lunch-early dinner?
69
00:04:16,411 --> 00:04:19,011
Dunch!
70
00:04:19,011 --> 00:04:22,371
Would you
like to go for dunch with me tonight?
71
00:04:22,371 --> 00:04:24,291
Yeah, all right. What time?
72
00:04:24,291 --> 00:04:26,251
I'm not talking to you, Gollum.
73
00:04:26,251 --> 00:04:29,571
Jesus! I was just test
driving my new word, dunch.
74
00:04:29,571 --> 00:04:31,811
How was your date last night Don?
75
00:04:31,811 --> 00:04:34,691
Yeah, it was interesting, yeah.
I like her, she's cute.
76
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,851
But I think she might have issues.
77
00:04:36,851 --> 00:04:39,771
Of course she does,
she's dating you.
78
00:04:39,771 --> 00:04:43,251
Yeah? Come on!
79
00:04:43,251 --> 00:04:47,011
Oi! Take that back.
80
00:04:47,011 --> 00:04:50,651
Take back that high five!
81
00:04:50,651 --> 00:04:52,451
Go on!
82
00:04:52,451 --> 00:04:54,851
That's it there, yeah, yeah.
83
00:04:54,851 --> 00:04:58,451
Thank you. Jeesh! Sorry, Don.
84
00:04:58,451 --> 00:05:01,771
MOBILE BEEPS
85
00:05:01,771 --> 00:05:04,171
It's Jenny.
86
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:06,971
She wants to know if I
want to go out again.
87
00:05:06,971 --> 00:05:10,411
You should've seen her last night,
she got really angry with the waiter.
88
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:15,131
She was probably having a bad day.
Stuff that she hadn't told you about. No it wasn't just the meal.
89
00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:16,451
there were other incidents.
90
00:05:21,091 --> 00:05:23,891
Well, be a gentleman
and open the door, Don!
91
00:05:25,851 --> 00:05:27,091
Jesus Christ!
92
00:05:35,531 --> 00:05:37,171
Getting a good look, are you?
93
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,171
Can't you see I'm with someone?
94
00:05:39,171 --> 00:05:41,491
Prick!
95
00:05:41,491 --> 00:05:43,531
Stupid phone! Come on!
96
00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:54,371
Predictive text is so annoying!
97
00:05:59,851 --> 00:06:02,371
Oh, for fuck's sake! What?
98
00:06:02,371 --> 00:06:05,011
Oh, nothing, it's just
something I remembered.
99
00:06:06,571 --> 00:06:08,371
Maybe she's premenstrual?
100
00:06:08,371 --> 00:06:11,531
What? You think she's a minstrel?
Ouch, ouch.
101
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,691
What's wrong, Eddie?
102
00:06:15,691 --> 00:06:18,131
Oh, Don's bought these
new leather shoes.
103
00:06:18,131 --> 00:06:20,411
I'm just wearing them in for him.
104
00:06:20,411 --> 00:06:24,451
Seriously Eddie, whatever he
is paying you, it's not enough.
105
00:06:27,611 --> 00:06:30,331
What? Well, Don doesn't pay me!
106
00:06:30,331 --> 00:06:32,291
No, no, I work for Dorothy.
107
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:35,691
I just do things for Don from time
to time, because we're friends.
108
00:06:35,691 --> 00:06:37,451
And, well, I enjoy it. Right, Don?
109
00:06:37,451 --> 00:06:39,051
That's right, Eddie.
110
00:06:39,051 --> 00:06:42,011
Now finish the ironing cos
I want you to run me a bath.
111
00:06:42,011 --> 00:06:43,571
Abso-lulu!
112
00:06:45,211 --> 00:06:47,611
Are you telling me that he
comes over here every day
113
00:06:47,611 --> 00:06:51,731
and does a load of stuff for you,
absolutely free of charge? Yeah!
114
00:06:51,731 --> 00:06:53,651
Wait a minute, I thought you knew.
115
00:06:53,651 --> 00:06:56,131
Eddie, you know you don't
have to do that, right?
116
00:06:56,131 --> 00:06:59,971
Hey! What do you think
you're playing at, sister? You can't treat him like that?
117
00:06:59,971 --> 00:07:02,771
Treat him like what?
He loves it. He's like a dog.
118
00:07:02,771 --> 00:07:04,731
Well, a dog that does house work.
119
00:07:04,731 --> 00:07:08,491
Imagine that,
like a dog doing the dishes.
120
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:12,211
Eddie...
121
00:07:13,971 --> 00:07:17,571
Friends do not treat each
other like slaves. Uh-huh. Yeah.
122
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,691
He doesn't appreciate any of this.
123
00:07:19,691 --> 00:07:21,411
Yes, he does. Don't you, Don?
124
00:07:21,411 --> 00:07:23,371
Eddie. Bath. Now.
125
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:27,051
Don? What?
126
00:07:27,051 --> 00:07:29,931
Well, you appreciate what
I do for you, don't you?
127
00:07:29,931 --> 00:07:34,291
I don't appreciate you standing
here instead of running me a warm, lovely, soapy, bubbly bath.
128
00:07:36,931 --> 00:07:39,771
What are you doing?
129
00:07:39,771 --> 00:07:41,971
Eddie! You can wear them in yourself.
130
00:07:41,971 --> 00:07:45,091
But we're friends, remember?
131
00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:49,611
No, Don. Friends appreciate
it when you cook for them.
132
00:07:49,611 --> 00:07:54,211
And bake, and clean, and iron
and wash up and do carpentry...
133
00:07:54,211 --> 00:07:57,771
But Eddie... And cut your hair,
massage your prostate,
134
00:07:57,771 --> 00:08:02,171
and clip your toenails, and
check your testicles for lumps...
135
00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:07,411
Oh, you wait, soon you'll realise
just how much you rely on him.
136
00:08:07,411 --> 00:08:08,531
Me? No. I'll be fine.
137
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:11,411
You on the other hand,
are nothing without that man.
138
00:08:11,411 --> 00:08:14,451
Er, I can cope without him, you know!
139
00:08:17,971 --> 00:08:20,611
Does anyone know how to run a bath?
140
00:08:22,331 --> 00:08:26,051
I decided to go on another
date with Jenny. It was nice.
141
00:08:26,051 --> 00:08:28,091
She was far more relaxed and fun.
142
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:31,611
Well, until this.
Do you wanna go to my local? Sure.
143
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:35,651
Excuse me? Do you know if
there's a taxi rank around here? Yeah, it's over there.
144
00:08:35,651 --> 00:08:37,331
Cheers. Thanks. Ow!
145
00:08:39,851 --> 00:08:43,291
What was that about? What?
Flirting with those sluts. I wasn't!
146
00:08:43,291 --> 00:08:46,531
I will not stand for that, Don.
147
00:08:46,531 --> 00:08:48,491
All right! My nipple, please! Ow!
148
00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:55,771
I was starting to get scared. I mean,
the slightest thing made her angry.
149
00:08:55,771 --> 00:08:58,851
I took her to my local.
Brian and Sam were there.
150
00:08:58,851 --> 00:09:02,251
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I was actually really pleased to see them.
151
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,131
Guys, guys! So nice to see you.
152
00:09:07,131 --> 00:09:10,171
Really? Yeah, you don't mind if
we join you, do you? A little bit.
153
00:09:10,171 --> 00:09:11,571
Great, great, great. Jenny.
154
00:09:11,571 --> 00:09:15,131
This is Brian and Sam. They're not
father and daughter, by the way.
155
00:09:15,131 --> 00:09:17,251
They're having sex.
Not now... I hope.
156
00:09:17,251 --> 00:09:19,171
Hi Jenny, nice to meet you.
157
00:09:19,171 --> 00:09:22,011
You too. Er, Don? What?
158
00:09:22,011 --> 00:09:24,691
What are you doing? Nothing.
159
00:09:24,691 --> 00:09:26,931
You're so funny.
Um, do you want a beer?
160
00:09:26,931 --> 00:09:30,171
Yes.
161
00:09:30,171 --> 00:09:32,051
So what d'you think of Jenny?
162
00:09:32,051 --> 00:09:35,891
Yeah, she seems nice.
I know, totally nuts, isn't she?
163
00:09:35,891 --> 00:09:37,491
Er, she seemed normal to me. What?
164
00:09:37,491 --> 00:09:40,211
Come on Bri, you teach psychology!
165
00:09:40,211 --> 00:09:43,211
Surely you can see she's half price?
166
00:09:43,211 --> 00:09:44,971
Look, look!
167
00:09:44,971 --> 00:09:47,651
What now? Just look!
168
00:09:47,651 --> 00:09:50,251
What are we supposed
to be looking at?
169
00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:52,891
Brian. Samantha.
170
00:09:52,891 --> 00:09:56,811
Does the university know about
this cosy little get-together?
171
00:09:56,811 --> 00:09:58,531
Derek.
172
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:01,451
Honestly Samantha,
what do you see in him exactly?
173
00:10:01,451 --> 00:10:05,371
If it's knowledge that
attracts you, why not swing by my classroom sometime?
174
00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:08,611
I'd love to give you a detention!
Er, no, thanks.
175
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:15,811
Anyway Brian, will we be seeing
you at the next interrogation ecrite de pub?
176
00:10:15,811 --> 00:10:17,411
Oh, you can count on it, Derek.
177
00:10:17,411 --> 00:10:21,411
Excellent. I look
forward to crushing you. As always.
178
00:10:21,411 --> 00:10:22,971
I think you'll find we're evens.
179
00:10:22,971 --> 00:10:24,611
It's seven-six to moi.
180
00:10:24,611 --> 00:10:27,331
Seven-seven.
181
00:10:27,331 --> 00:10:29,731
Seven-six. Seven-seven.
182
00:10:29,731 --> 00:10:35,051
Seven-six! OK, whatever. Seven-six.
183
00:10:36,571 --> 00:10:39,611
If you ever get bored of his
tiresome psychology lessons,
184
00:10:39,611 --> 00:10:44,131
then just swing on past
the biology block. Biology.
185
00:10:48,171 --> 00:10:50,371
Who the hell was that?
186
00:10:50,371 --> 00:10:51,971
Derek Frown.
187
00:10:51,971 --> 00:10:53,651
He's a teacher at university.
188
00:10:53,651 --> 00:10:57,331
Why's he got such a problem with
us seeing each other? He's an idiot.
189
00:10:57,331 --> 00:10:59,931
He's always had a problem with me.
We fight it out every week.
190
00:10:59,931 --> 00:11:03,251
Wow! What, like bare-knuckle
punching in the face, and stuff?
191
00:11:03,251 --> 00:11:05,811
No. In the pub quiz.
192
00:11:05,811 --> 00:11:09,691
Oh. Slightly disappointing.
It's become something of a ritual.
193
00:11:09,691 --> 00:11:12,251
Actually, can I join you?
I'd love to stick one on him!
194
00:11:12,251 --> 00:11:14,851
Of course you can.
Hey Don, do you wanna join the team?
195
00:11:14,851 --> 00:11:17,371
Erm, we need people who know things.
196
00:11:17,371 --> 00:11:19,211
Hey! I know things.
197
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:22,211
Yeah. If there's a round on
the films of Kevin Costner,
198
00:11:22,211 --> 00:11:25,051
we'll be sure to text you.
I know other things. Like?
199
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:26,731
The films of Michael Douglas?
200
00:11:26,731 --> 00:11:28,931
Hey, it's good to have
someone on the team
201
00:11:28,931 --> 00:11:32,371
who's great with popular culture.
See? Don't listen to her, Bri.
202
00:11:32,371 --> 00:11:33,611
She thinks I'm thick.
203
00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:37,291
No. I just don't think you're an
intellectual person, that's all.
204
00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:40,371
How could you be so 'eveal'
and 'spitefuel'?
205
00:11:40,371 --> 00:11:45,891
Come on, then.
When was the last time you read a book, and what was it?
206
00:11:45,891 --> 00:11:47,971
Er... Wind in the Willows.
207
00:11:47,971 --> 00:11:50,251
Have you read a book
in the last 20 years?
208
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:54,691
I just said Wind in the Willows,
yeah? I read it last week.
209
00:11:54,691 --> 00:11:56,251
Well, I say "I" read it.
210
00:11:56,251 --> 00:11:58,171
Eddie read it for me, aloud.
211
00:11:58,171 --> 00:12:00,891
"Then you don't promise,"
said Badger,
212
00:12:00,891 --> 00:12:03,331
"never to touch a motor car again."
213
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:06,291
"Certainly not,"
replied Toad emphatically.
214
00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:11,251
"On the contrary, I promise the very
first motor car I see, poop, poop!
215
00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:15,291
"Off I go in it".
"Told you so, didn't I?"...
216
00:12:15,291 --> 00:12:17,891
Seriously Eddie - not now, yeah?
217
00:12:17,891 --> 00:12:19,411
Sorry.
218
00:12:22,171 --> 00:12:25,491
Owwww!
219
00:12:25,491 --> 00:12:27,051
Right, carry on.
220
00:12:28,571 --> 00:12:32,131
"Very well then," said Badger
firmly, rising to his feet.
221
00:12:32,131 --> 00:12:34,931
Ah, that silly green toad.
222
00:12:34,931 --> 00:12:37,611
Dressing up as a washerwoman!
223
00:12:37,611 --> 00:12:40,731
You should try reading this.
224
00:12:40,731 --> 00:12:47,171
I would love to, Bri. Only thanks to
Sam and her evilness, I don't have Eddie to read me things any more.
225
00:12:47,171 --> 00:12:50,771
Well, you could try
reading it yourself? Reading it myself, you say?
226
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,091
That might just work!
227
00:12:53,091 --> 00:12:56,451
It's the Dalai Lama's autobiography.
It's a good little toilet read.
228
00:12:56,451 --> 00:12:58,531
Wow, thanks(!) There you go.
Not the face!
229
00:13:03,931 --> 00:13:07,891
It was so frustrating - no-one else
seemed to notice how mad Jenny was.
230
00:13:13,131 --> 00:13:15,851
Make me a coffee?
231
00:13:15,851 --> 00:13:17,731
Yeah, good one. Coffee!
232
00:13:17,731 --> 00:13:19,291
Yes, my sweet princess.
233
00:13:21,891 --> 00:13:23,691
Eddie? I need you to make...
234
00:13:23,691 --> 00:13:25,931
me a coffee.
235
00:13:27,971 --> 00:13:31,011
'I didn't need Eddie.
I'm a grown man.
236
00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,091
'I can make a hot drink.'
237
00:13:33,091 --> 00:13:36,251
Right. What goes in coffee again?
238
00:13:36,251 --> 00:13:38,931
Yes. Coffee.
239
00:13:38,931 --> 00:13:41,291
And?
240
00:13:41,291 --> 00:13:43,731
Hot water!
241
00:13:43,731 --> 00:13:45,451
What's taking so long?!
242
00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:47,691
Hurry up kettle, come on.
243
00:13:52,891 --> 00:13:54,651
I was starting to get cross.
244
00:13:54,651 --> 00:13:58,891
No need.
Look, I even made you some muffins!
245
00:13:58,891 --> 00:14:01,371
Aw, thanks Don, that's so sweet.
246
00:14:01,371 --> 00:14:02,491
Well...
247
00:14:02,491 --> 00:14:04,091
CRUNCH!
248
00:14:06,491 --> 00:14:08,291
What was that?
249
00:14:08,291 --> 00:14:11,731
Did you...leave your watch
on the floor?
250
00:14:18,011 --> 00:14:22,531
Morning, Boss.
And what's your excuse this time?
251
00:14:22,531 --> 00:14:25,331
My girlfriend beat me up.
252
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:29,851
I don't believe this.
You've come out with some corkers before, but that's priceless!
253
00:14:29,851 --> 00:14:33,851
I'm not making this up.
She's mental in the face.
254
00:14:33,851 --> 00:14:36,011
I'm so scared!
255
00:14:36,011 --> 00:14:39,011
Hold me! I'm so cold. Right.
256
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:43,211
You expect me to believe you're
being harassed by a psychotic woman?
257
00:14:43,211 --> 00:14:46,211
It can happen!
You've seen Fatal Attraction, right?
258
00:14:46,211 --> 00:14:49,611
No. Disclosure? No. Basic Instinct?
259
00:14:49,611 --> 00:14:52,251
Everyone saw that, just to get
a glimpse of Stone's ning-ning.
260
00:14:52,251 --> 00:14:56,491
What's your point, Don?
Er, that Michael Douglas has made some bloody good films?
261
00:14:56,491 --> 00:15:01,371
Oh, come on, you've seen
Romancing the Stone? That's a gem!
262
00:15:01,371 --> 00:15:03,011
Ha, gem!
263
00:15:03,011 --> 00:15:05,091
Get it? Stone. Gem!
264
00:15:05,091 --> 00:15:06,771
Come on, who's with me?
265
00:15:07,891 --> 00:15:10,331
CRUNCHING
266
00:15:11,651 --> 00:15:15,011
So how'd you get on with
that book I lent you, Don?
267
00:15:15,011 --> 00:15:16,691
It was annoying, Bri.
268
00:15:16,691 --> 00:15:19,291
It was all a bit
"me, me, me", to be honest.
269
00:15:19,291 --> 00:15:20,931
It's an autobiography.
270
00:15:20,931 --> 00:15:24,971
You are swotting up, though, aren't
you? We do want to win this quiz.
271
00:15:24,971 --> 00:15:26,931
It's all in there, blondie.
272
00:15:26,931 --> 00:15:30,891
Ah, well,
you don't mind if I test you, then?
273
00:15:30,891 --> 00:15:34,571
Shoot. OK. Er...
274
00:15:34,571 --> 00:15:36,531
who built The Eiffel Tower?
275
00:15:36,531 --> 00:15:39,531
What, it was one bloke?
Jesus, he must've been knackered!
276
00:15:39,531 --> 00:15:43,731
Well, you did say "built". OK.
277
00:15:43,731 --> 00:15:46,211
What's The Queen's first name?
278
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:48,091
"The"?
279
00:15:48,091 --> 00:15:50,731
Oh, God. We are screwed.
280
00:15:50,731 --> 00:15:52,571
It's Elizabeth, you moron!
281
00:15:52,571 --> 00:15:54,411
Of course it is, yes!
282
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:56,251
Yes, Elizabeth Queen.
283
00:15:57,491 --> 00:15:58,491
DOOR CLOSES
284
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,411
Eddie! You're back!
285
00:16:00,411 --> 00:16:03,691
I knew you wouldn't leave me.
286
00:16:05,811 --> 00:16:08,051
Eddie?
287
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:11,451
I'm only here to check in on
Dorothy. I shan't be staying long.
288
00:16:11,451 --> 00:16:16,171
Now, I've brought your
week's supply of Valium, Dot.
289
00:16:16,171 --> 00:16:19,971
But you're going to have to
promise me that you're not going to down them all with gin again.
290
00:16:19,971 --> 00:16:21,531
I can't promise a thing.
291
00:16:22,771 --> 00:16:23,691
Eddie...!
292
00:16:24,971 --> 00:16:27,411
Eddie, I miss you.
293
00:16:27,411 --> 00:16:29,371
I need you!
294
00:16:29,371 --> 00:16:32,411
I want you back in my life.
295
00:16:32,411 --> 00:16:36,811
Not until I know that you
appreciate what I do around here.
296
00:16:36,811 --> 00:16:40,171
Of course I appreciate it.
Just look at the place! Look!
297
00:16:42,291 --> 00:16:44,931
Mmm, cleaning!
298
00:16:44,931 --> 00:16:48,851
You see? And upstairs is even worse!
299
00:16:49,851 --> 00:16:53,731
Are you telling me you wouldn't love
to get on your knees and scrub that?
300
00:16:53,731 --> 00:16:56,611
Mmmm mmm.
301
00:16:56,611 --> 00:16:58,171
Must...
302
00:16:58,171 --> 00:17:00,331
Resist... Temptation.
303
00:17:01,891 --> 00:17:04,891
Let's check out my room.
304
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,291
Holy macaroni!
305
00:17:13,291 --> 00:17:16,811
You see? The place is falling apart!
306
00:17:16,811 --> 00:17:18,811
Don? Has someone hurt you?
307
00:17:18,811 --> 00:17:20,891
No, I must restrain myself.
308
00:17:20,891 --> 00:17:25,171
It was Jenny.
I told you, she's nuts in the mind! But no-one will believe me.
309
00:17:25,171 --> 00:17:28,411
Why don't you just end it? Don't you
think I've already thought of that?
310
00:17:28,411 --> 00:17:31,211
She would roundhouse me in the prick
if I tried breaking up with her.
311
00:17:31,211 --> 00:17:37,971
It's just a shame she doesn't
want to end it with you, then. Bon Jovi, Eddie! You're a genius!
312
00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:44,131
'Eddie was spot on. I just had to
make her to dump me. Simple, right?
313
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:46,251
'But I had to do it
in a public place.
314
00:17:46,251 --> 00:17:49,411
'Somewhere where she
wouldn't be able to go crazy.'
315
00:17:49,411 --> 00:17:51,331
So why are we in a library, Don?
316
00:17:51,331 --> 00:17:54,251
Oh, I want Brian and Sam
to see I like reading.
317
00:17:54,251 --> 00:17:55,931
Are you gonna read all those books?
318
00:17:55,931 --> 00:17:57,891
God, no! Just carry them round.
319
00:17:57,891 --> 00:17:59,611
Make them think I like reading.
320
00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:01,771
'Of course I wasn't
there for the books.
321
00:18:01,771 --> 00:18:05,811
'I took her there because it's the
perfect place to dump a nutter.' Jenny.
322
00:18:05,811 --> 00:18:07,491
I've got something to tell you.
323
00:18:07,491 --> 00:18:10,611
Something that might make you
not wanna be with me any more.
324
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:15,131
What do you mean? Remember we're
in a library and there are rules.
325
00:18:15,131 --> 00:18:17,851
So when I tell you, respect
those library rules, yeah?
326
00:18:17,851 --> 00:18:21,971
Don, what are you going on about?
'I made up a brilliant lie.'
327
00:18:21,971 --> 00:18:24,411
I slept with another woman. WHAT?!
328
00:18:24,411 --> 00:18:26,091
Ssshh. We're in a library, remember?
329
00:18:26,091 --> 00:18:27,851
You put your prick in a slut?
330
00:18:27,851 --> 00:18:32,291
Well, I'm not sure she was a slut
per se, but yes. Ow! Shhh! Sorry.
331
00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:36,331
I don't believe what I'm hearing!
Ow! Jesus! Shhh! Sorry!
332
00:18:36,331 --> 00:18:38,731
This must mean
you wanna break up with me, yeah?
333
00:18:38,731 --> 00:18:41,091
Break up with you?
(You're so fucking childish!)
334
00:18:41,091 --> 00:18:43,611
Ow! Ssshh!
335
00:18:43,611 --> 00:18:46,291
I'm not gonna throw the towel in
because of some stupid mistake!
336
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,051
Wow,
that's very understanding of you.
337
00:18:49,051 --> 00:18:50,891
Yeah, well I'm a very
understanding person!
338
00:18:50,891 --> 00:18:53,371
Ow! Sssh!
339
00:18:53,371 --> 00:18:55,211
Oh, fuck off!
340
00:18:55,211 --> 00:18:57,171
But that doesn't mean
I'm not angry with you, Don.
341
00:18:57,171 --> 00:19:01,291
In fact, I'm fucking furious!
342
00:19:01,291 --> 00:19:02,851
Hands. What?
343
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:04,291
Hands.
344
00:19:05,931 --> 00:19:08,571
Ahh!
345
00:19:10,771 --> 00:19:14,651
Right. Maybe that'll teach
you not to put your penis inside another woman's vagine.
346
00:19:14,651 --> 00:19:18,051
It has. I promise you it has.
347
00:19:18,051 --> 00:19:21,451
Right, do you still wanna get
some lunch? Wagamama's, or...?
348
00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:23,491
Yeah... OK.
349
00:19:27,211 --> 00:19:30,971
God, I hate books. I hate you all.
350
00:19:30,971 --> 00:19:33,771
'Tonight's the all-important pub
quiz.
351
00:19:33,771 --> 00:19:39,971
'Personally, I thought Sam and Brian
were taking this silly little game way too seriously.'
352
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:42,971
Eddie?
353
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:46,251
I'm not late, am I, Brian?
354
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:48,011
Course not. Hasn't even started yet.
355
00:19:48,011 --> 00:19:50,051
Why didn't you tell me
you live with a genius?
356
00:19:50,051 --> 00:19:51,611
What do you mean?
357
00:19:55,891 --> 00:20:00,091
Oh. What's this like?
Yeah, pretty good. You can borrow...
358
00:20:08,011 --> 00:20:12,331
..it if you like.
Wow, great twist at the end.
359
00:20:12,331 --> 00:20:14,051
Thanks.
360
00:20:17,131 --> 00:20:20,131
Are you sure
you wouldn't rather be on the winner's table, my sweet?
361
00:20:20,131 --> 00:20:22,971
I am on the winner's table.
362
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:27,051
I wouldn't get so cocky, Derek.
You might live to regret it.
363
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,651
Ooh, would you like to make the
quiz a little bit more interesting?
364
00:20:29,651 --> 00:20:33,531
Is that possible? I suggest the
winner goes home with the princess?
365
00:20:33,531 --> 00:20:35,051
You're not coming home with me.
366
00:20:35,051 --> 00:20:37,211
I'm referring to Samantha.
367
00:20:37,211 --> 00:20:38,771
God, I feel sick.
368
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:41,051
And how do I benefit from that?
369
00:20:41,051 --> 00:20:42,651
I go home with her anyway.
370
00:20:42,651 --> 00:20:44,691
Er, Brian? Yeah, me too.
371
00:20:44,691 --> 00:20:46,891
What? Er... you know?
372
00:20:46,891 --> 00:20:49,331
In a platonic flat-sharing capacity.
373
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,011
No, Derek. We do not accept.
374
00:20:51,011 --> 00:20:53,571
Now run along to your
little hobbits. And hey!
375
00:20:53,571 --> 00:20:57,291
Maybe we'll buy you a commiserative
drink when we've whipped your arses.
376
00:20:57,291 --> 00:20:59,051
HE LAUGHS
377
00:20:59,171 --> 00:21:01,571
I'll destroy you all.
378
00:21:01,571 --> 00:21:04,131
Oh, God!
I want to win this more than ever.
379
00:21:04,131 --> 00:21:06,371
Yeah, me too. I hate losing.
380
00:21:06,371 --> 00:21:08,571
That's the spirit!
OK, ladies and gents.
381
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:13,731
Let the quiz commence. Round one.
General knowledge. First question.
382
00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:18,851
'And so we all got stuck in.
Pulled together and really worked as a team.'
383
00:21:21,571 --> 00:21:25,171
Henry VIII.
1066. Eva Braun.
384
00:21:25,171 --> 00:21:28,091
Dunno. It's Copenhagen. Definitely.
385
00:21:28,091 --> 00:21:29,811
Easy - Friedrich Nietzsche.
386
00:21:29,811 --> 00:21:32,411
Oh, oh, oh. Brokeback Mountain.
387
00:21:32,411 --> 00:21:35,091
I've seen it seven times. Dunno.
388
00:21:35,091 --> 00:21:41,291
RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon,
Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck,
389
00:21:41,291 --> 00:21:47,011
U-God, Masta Killa and the late,
great Ol' Dirty Bastard.
390
00:21:47,011 --> 00:21:50,491
Little Red Riding Hood.
It's Spanish for "How are you?"
391
00:21:50,491 --> 00:21:52,051
I know!
392
00:21:52,051 --> 00:21:54,211
I'll get a round of drinks, yeah?
393
00:21:56,131 --> 00:22:01,051
Right then, ladies and gents.
The final live round between our two top teams. The Biology Busters...
394
00:22:01,051 --> 00:22:02,571
Hooray!
395
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:05,051
Versus Team Analysis.
396
00:22:05,051 --> 00:22:07,291
Right, they're only one point ahead.
397
00:22:07,291 --> 00:22:09,011
We need to win this round!
398
00:22:09,011 --> 00:22:15,011
Select a member from your team
to answer one of these specialist subjects. Team Analysis go first.
399
00:22:15,011 --> 00:22:16,331
My subjects are...
400
00:22:16,331 --> 00:22:18,131
Pop music from the 1950s.
401
00:22:18,131 --> 00:22:20,491
Damn, that's not my field.
What you talking about?
402
00:22:20,491 --> 00:22:23,611
You grew up in the '50s, didn't you?
Or the films of Kevin Costner.
403
00:22:23,611 --> 00:22:28,571
Yes, yes! Don, this is yours. Go on!
Which would you like to answer?
404
00:22:28,571 --> 00:22:30,411
We'll have the films
of Kevin Costner, please.
405
00:22:30,411 --> 00:22:34,691
And we nominate Don.
Right matey, it's all yours. Don't let us down. Hey?
406
00:22:34,691 --> 00:22:37,651
Or else! 'But then it struck me.
407
00:22:37,651 --> 00:22:41,491
'This was my chance to prove to
everyone what a mentalist Jenny is.'
408
00:22:41,491 --> 00:22:48,411
Question one.
In which film does Costner star as baseball legend Crash Davies?
409
00:22:48,411 --> 00:22:50,811
'I'm so sorry, Kevin Costner.
410
00:22:50,811 --> 00:22:53,011
'Don't think I don't love you.'
411
00:22:53,011 --> 00:22:54,651
Dances With Wolves.
412
00:22:54,651 --> 00:22:58,451
Dances With Wolves? Isn't that the
one where he joins an Indian tribe?
413
00:22:58,451 --> 00:23:00,891
Yeah. And then teaches them
to play baseball.
414
00:23:00,891 --> 00:23:02,771
The answer is Bull Durham.
415
00:23:04,371 --> 00:23:07,651
Ow! Did you see that? Question two.
416
00:23:07,651 --> 00:23:11,371
In 1991 Costner played
the part of Jim Garrison,
417
00:23:11,371 --> 00:23:14,891
a District Attorney trying to prove
JFK's killing was a conspiracy.
418
00:23:14,891 --> 00:23:17,091
What was the name of that film?
419
00:23:17,091 --> 00:23:19,051
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. What?
420
00:23:19,051 --> 00:23:22,211
The answer is JFK. Oh, god!
421
00:23:22,211 --> 00:23:25,531
Ow! You must have seen that?!
422
00:23:25,531 --> 00:23:27,411
Question three.
423
00:23:27,411 --> 00:23:32,811
In the film The Bodyguard,
who plays the singing diva Costner is assigned to protect?
424
00:23:35,931 --> 00:23:39,291
Easy. Boy George.
425
00:23:39,291 --> 00:23:42,451
That's it then. We've lost.
The answer's Whitney Houston.
426
00:23:44,891 --> 00:23:48,571
Ow! Are you all blind?
Are you deliberately giving wrong answers, Don?
427
00:23:48,571 --> 00:23:54,131
Yes! What? Why? Because I want you
all to see what a freakoid that is!
428
00:23:54,131 --> 00:23:56,891
Ow! See? Well, you did
just call her a freakoid.
429
00:23:56,891 --> 00:23:59,811
Hang on. Is there something
going on between you two?
430
00:23:59,811 --> 00:24:02,891
No! Is she the slut you slept with?
431
00:24:02,891 --> 00:24:06,051
She's not a slut! You little prick!
432
00:24:08,571 --> 00:24:10,131
I've had enough of this!
433
00:24:21,771 --> 00:24:23,291
Help me, someone!
434
00:24:25,291 --> 00:24:28,571
When a man loves a woman
435
00:24:29,811 --> 00:24:31,971
Can't keep his mind
on nothin' else...
436
00:24:39,171 --> 00:24:42,131
Does this mean it's over between us?
437
00:24:45,091 --> 00:24:46,131
Oh, Jesus!
438
00:24:53,251 --> 00:24:54,451
Oh, shit!
439
00:25:00,651 --> 00:25:02,731
Are you all right, Don?
440
00:25:02,731 --> 00:25:04,491
As if you care. I do.
441
00:25:04,491 --> 00:25:06,931
I'll dress these wounds. I promise.
442
00:25:06,931 --> 00:25:11,251
I thought you were on strike?
Not any more. I'll prove it!
443
00:25:27,331 --> 00:25:29,331
Eddie. Yeah?
444
00:25:29,331 --> 00:25:31,531
I can't believe you did that for me!
445
00:25:31,531 --> 00:25:35,211
I'm sorry we doubted you. She really
was insane in the mind, wasn't she?
446
00:25:35,211 --> 00:25:39,251
Yeah, sorry Don. That's all right.
447
00:25:39,251 --> 00:25:42,491
Oh, and I'm sorry
I ruined your pub quiz, Brian.
448
00:25:45,051 --> 00:25:48,251
That's all right, Don.
We'll beat Derek next time.
449
00:25:48,251 --> 00:25:51,971
Eddie. I'll never take you
for granted again. I promise.
450
00:25:51,971 --> 00:25:54,811
I know you won't, Don.
451
00:25:54,811 --> 00:25:58,131
Now once you've finished
massaging my feet, will you make me a cheesy quiche? Oh, surely!
452
00:25:58,131 --> 00:26:00,411
And then run me a bath?
453
00:26:00,411 --> 00:26:05,611
And whilst I'm in the bath, I have a
pair of underpants that are too small for me, so could you to wear them in?
454
00:26:05,611 --> 00:26:08,971
And after the bath,
could you tuck me into bed?
455
00:26:08,971 --> 00:26:11,451
Abso-lulu! Ooh, would you like
me to read you a bedtime story?
456
00:26:11,451 --> 00:26:13,771
Get that thing away from me!
457
00:26:32,211 --> 00:26:34,451
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
458
00:26:34,451 --> 00:26:36,611
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
459
00:26:36,661 --> 00:26:41,211
Repair and Synchronization by
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