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1
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,360
Stand by. I will need your help.
2
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,400
This one is crazy.
3
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,800
Hola. Hello, love.
4
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,000
Do you know you are too early for
breakfast?
5
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,080
You are going to have to wait at
least another half hour.
6
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,240
It's all right, love.
7
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,280
I was just enjoying the view.
8
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,360
Oh, I can move if I'm in your way.
9
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,280
No, no, you can stay here.
The view's all-inclusive.
10
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,960
Have you ever thought
why we're here?
11
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,960
I am at work, you are on holiday.
12
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,560
No, I mean, why we're put on the
earth in the first place -
13
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,600
what's it all about?
14
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,560
I am sorry, I am not qualified to
answer these questions.
15
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,240
I suggest you try business centre.
They have the inter-web there.
16
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,920
What's going on? Where's the
breakfast?
17
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,760
You are too early.
18
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,560
Oh! I'll kill that DJ from Cafe B.
19
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,280
He always plays Islands In The
Stream at a quarter to eight
20
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,160
so I know I've got 15 minutes
to get here, to get my breakfast.
21
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,680
Idiot. Oh, my head is banging.
22
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,760
You haven't got a light have you,
love?
23
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,360
Yes, love. Cheers.
24
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,360
You can keep that.
25
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,960
Oh, nice one. Are you sure? Yeah.
26
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,560
You may as well have these as well.
27
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,920
You're not stopping, are you?
28
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,600
The doctors gave me
six months to live.
29
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,280
Really?
30
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,320
That was five months ago.
31
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,440
Believe me, son, if you know what's
good for you,
32
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,560
you'll start looking after yourself.
33
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,600
Right.
34
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,880
If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sit
in the shade.
35
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,320
Think about what I said, son.
I think to myself
36
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000
Bloody hell.
37
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,960
You certainly know how to put
someone off their bacon butty.
38
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,680
Come on. Come on!
39
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,840
What are you doing? You know what
I'm doing.
40
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,960
I'm trying to get through to Doctor
Kundu.
41
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,360
It's a quarter to eight.
42
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,800
I know. They open at eight.
Somebody might be there.
43
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,720
It's a quarter to eight here, so
it's a quarter to seven at home.
44
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,040
I know Dr Kundu's
receptionist looks keen..
45
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,840
Hello, this is Janice Garvey,
again,
46
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,920
calling about my mother
Madge Harvey.
47
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,680
We need Dr Kundu to ring us back on
the mobile number I left last night
48
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,720
as soon as possible, please.
49
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,320
What did you say?
We're an hour in front.
50
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,080
It's a quarter to seven there.
51
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,320
Oh, I'd forgotten about the time
difference.
52
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,320
Look, why don't we just -
53
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,160
Sssh! What can you hear?
54
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,800
Nowt much.
55
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,480
Bit of drilling, but that might be
Donald and Jacqueline,
56
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,280
they're only a couple of floors
away. She's not coughing.
57
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,200
My mother's not coughing. You know
she can't breathe in the mornings.
58
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,640
Mam! MAM!
59
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,040
It'll be me that can't breathe when
this bloody phone bill comes in.
60
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,080
My mother isn't in her room. Where
is she? How the frig should I know?
61
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,280
Calm down. My mother's got four
weeks to live.
62
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,720
Don't you tell me to calm down!
Janice.
63
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,760
Janice!
64
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,160
I swear to God, Madge,
65
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,720
if this whole thing is your idea of
a joke,
66
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,880
you won't have four hours to live,
never mind four weeks.
67
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,400
I'm sorry, I don't even know what a
vajazzle is,
68
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,440
but I'll ask Kenneth our head
stylist to call you back.
69
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,480
It's what?
70
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,560
Oh, I'm not sure Kenneth will be up
for that, to be honest,
71
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,600
but you can always ask...
72
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:35,040
That's right. Pensioner's 50% off
day is Wednesday.
73
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,640
All right. Take care.
74
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,080
Oh! Ho-oh!
75
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,880
Hey, have you seen Squirrel?
76
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,920
Who? Squirrel. Squirrel Bigcock.
77
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,520
Oh, Cyril, he was sniffing about
earlier.
78
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:53,520
Do you know, I heard when Miss
Temple-Savage found Squirrel in Benidorm, he was a vagabundo.
79
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,840
I think you say tramp. You're
joking.
80
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,360
No wonder he looks like the cat who
got the cream.
81
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,040
Squirrel has a cat?
82
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,360
No, man, I just mean getting the
job here, he's landed on his feet.
83
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:08,080
Ah, yes, a cat will always land on
his feet. You didn't know this?
84
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,280
Well, now, gentlemen...
85
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,800
Oh, apologies, lady and gentleman.
86
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:17,040
Mm. It would appear we have a
staff/work ratio imbalance.
87
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,760
Meaning you obviously have nothing
to do. Well, not to worry.
88
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:28,600
Help is at hand. Lesley, I'd like
you to put up these posters and distribute these leaflets.
89
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,880
I'm supposed to be on reception.
Have you never heard of delegation?
90
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,280
That's what Roy Castle had, wasn't
it? That was dedication.
91
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,200
Roy and I were very close,
actually.
92
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,240
I once doubled for his feet in a
cornflake commercial.
93
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:44,160
No, I was talking about... Look,
just get those out.
94
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,520
Excuse me, have you seen my mother?
Madam, do you mind?
95
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,160
We happen to have a dress code.
96
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,320
These may be known as the common
areas, but they're not that common.
97
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,560
Have you seen Madge?
I'm sorry, pet, I haven't.
98
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,680
Madam, I must ask you to -
Oh, shut up!
99
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,440
Have you seen my mother? I think
she's by the pool.
100
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,880
Appropriate clothing must be worn
at all times in the communal - Ooh!
101
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,880
You haven't seen my wife, have you?
She went that way. Thanks.
102
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,720
Dad, what's going on? Is this place
always like this? Yes. Oh.
103
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,760
What is going on?
104
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,040
Just a minor disturbance.
I've read them the riot act,
105
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,080
vis-a-vis appropriate clothing in
the hotel.
106
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,000
Oh. I don't think we'll have
any more trouble there.
107
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,400
Now... cigarette break, I think.
108
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,480
You see, Lesley, that's a manager.
109
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,520
Someone on his feet.
110
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,760
Has a natural authority over others.
Someone who has a history of -
111
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,200
Being a tramp. A history of being a
tramp.
112
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,760
I beg your pardon? Nothing.
113
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,720
Just go easy on the tittle-tattle,
Lesley.
114
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,200
Loose lips sink ships.
115
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,720
I cannot understand a word anyone
says today.
116
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,000
Morning. Morning, son.
117
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,960
Oh, what's going on? Where am I?
118
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,480
I'm sorry! I'm sorry. That was my
fault. I thought you were dead.
119
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,800
Why did you think I was dead? You
were lying with your head in the sink at eight in the morning.
120
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,880
I must have fallen asleep.
121
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,800
You've been out all night again,
haven't you? Yeah.
122
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,480
Are you still getting them twinges?
Yeah.
123
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,880
I think it's time for a major
lifestyle change, don't you?
124
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,720
Yeah, just what I was thinking.
125
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,480
Do you know if they've started
breakfast yet? I could murder some black pudding.
126
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,760
What's all the racket?
127
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,600
What, all the slamming doors,
arguing and shouting?
128
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,280
Just another morning at the Solana
lunatic asylum.
129
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,600
Such a lovely place to bring your
family on holiday!
130
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,640
What are you doing out here?
131
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,480
I was having trouble hearing the
slamming doors above your snoring.
132
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,520
I'm getting in the shower.
133
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:12,760
Ooh, I have found a lovely health
spa, 10 minutes away - five-star.
134
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,600
I thought we could spend the day
there.
135
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,200
What, all of us? How much is it?
136
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,280
What's that got to do with
anything? It's a nice day, today.
137
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,320
It'd be a crime to stuck indoors.
138
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,600
Nowhere near the crime I will
commit,
139
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,240
if I don't get out of this pigsty!
140
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,880
Mother, what are you doing here?
I've been sick with worry.
141
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,760
What is there to worry about?
Janice, go up and get changed.
142
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,840
I'll sit with your mother. Why does
anybody need to sit with me?
143
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,760
Right, we're going home. What?
144
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,320
Your grandmother has got four weeks
to...
145
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,280
We're going home. Mick, get the
flights changed.
146
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,200
We're only here for another few
days. Mick's right.
147
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,480
We may as well finish our holiday.
148
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,760
What did you just say? I said
we may as well finish our holiday.
149
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,680
No, no, before that. I said you're
right.
150
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,720
Michael, how do you do the voice
recorder thing on this phone?
151
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,200
Madam, I must insist you change into
something more appropriate.
152
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,920
Go up and get changed. Come on,
Mum, I'll go with you.
153
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,320
Keep trying the doctor.
All right, I will.
154
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,440
We're not here to spoil anybody's
fun,
155
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,520
but standards must be maintained.
156
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,200
Aye, all right.
157
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,960
I'll go and get us a coffee. Oh,
thanks, love.
158
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,000
We've had trouble from you before.
159
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:39,320
One more incident and you'll get a
lifetime ban from all Solana hotels.
160
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,760
That won't make much difference to
me, love.
161
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,160
I've only got four weeks to live.
162
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,200
Mm-hm.
163
00:10:01,555 --> 00:10:03,955
Are you black?
164
00:10:03,995 --> 00:10:05,715
No.
165
00:10:06,915 --> 00:10:08,915
Are you white? Yes.
166
00:10:08,955 --> 00:10:12,275
Are you in the entertainment
industry? Yes.
167
00:10:12,315 --> 00:10:14,315
Are you a singer?
168
00:10:14,355 --> 00:10:16,555
Er, yes.
169
00:10:16,595 --> 00:10:19,315
Are you Cheryl Cole? No.
170
00:10:20,355 --> 00:10:22,355
Are you over 50? Yes.
171
00:10:22,395 --> 00:10:24,395
Su Pollard. No.
172
00:10:24,435 --> 00:10:26,635
Do you want a clue? Go on.
173
00:10:26,675 --> 00:10:30,235
We once shared a Jacuzzi with this
celebrity,
174
00:10:30,275 --> 00:10:35,355
which resulted in it having to be
drained and industrially cleaned.
175
00:10:35,395 --> 00:10:37,395
Could you narrow it down a bit?
176
00:10:37,435 --> 00:10:41,995
♪ What's it all about, Alfie? ♪
177
00:10:42,035 --> 00:10:44,795
Alfie? You said you were a woman.
178
00:10:44,835 --> 00:10:46,835
I'm Cilla Black.
179
00:10:46,875 --> 00:10:50,355
Of course. I knew I should have
asked,
180
00:10:50,395 --> 00:10:54,555
'Did this celebrity's collar not
match her cuffs?'
181
00:10:54,595 --> 00:10:56,315
Oh, yeah.
182
00:10:56,355 --> 00:10:58,475
Competition this afternoon. Free
entry.
183
00:10:58,515 --> 00:11:00,995
We're gonna have a spit roast.
184
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,675
Sounds like our kind
of competition. Mm.
185
00:11:04,715 --> 00:11:06,715
Mmm.
186
00:11:09,355 --> 00:11:11,355
Anyone fancy going to the beach?
187
00:11:11,395 --> 00:11:13,395
No?
188
00:11:13,435 --> 00:11:16,835
Nobody fancy going to the beach? I'm
not keen on beaches.
189
00:11:16,875 --> 00:11:20,875
I've ended up with sand in some
very strange places over the years.
190
00:11:20,915 --> 00:11:22,515
Oh.
191
00:11:22,555 --> 00:11:25,995
B, do you fancy going to the beach?
The beach sounds nice.
192
00:11:26,035 --> 00:11:28,115
Going with who? With me.
193
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:31,715
Oh. How can I put this, without
hurting your feelings? No.
194
00:11:31,755 --> 00:11:34,635
You're coming to the spa with me,
aren't you, bubs? What spa?
195
00:11:34,675 --> 00:11:36,675
I sent you a text about it.
196
00:11:36,715 --> 00:11:38,995
What are we doing, texting each
other,
197
00:11:39,035 --> 00:11:41,035
when we're in adjoining rooms?
198
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,955
The world's gone mad. I don't want
to go to a spa.
199
00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:47,475
I've been groped by enough dirty
Spaniards this week, thank you.
200
00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:49,515
There is nothing to do here.
201
00:11:50,595 --> 00:11:54,075
Hombre versus Food competition,
this afternoon, free entry.
202
00:11:54,115 --> 00:11:57,275
Eat a whole pig and win a T-shirt.
203
00:11:57,315 --> 00:11:59,435
That sounds disgusting.
204
00:11:59,475 --> 00:12:01,635
I don't mind a bit of pig, as it
goes.
205
00:12:01,675 --> 00:12:03,675
You wanna be careful.
206
00:12:03,715 --> 00:12:06,275
For you, that's practically
cannibalism.
207
00:12:06,315 --> 00:12:09,595
Oh, what have I done now?
208
00:12:21,475 --> 00:12:23,275
Come on, feel the burn!
209
00:12:23,315 --> 00:12:25,115
The only burn I'm getting is
heartburn.
210
00:12:25,155 --> 00:12:27,315
I knew I shouldn't have had that
black pudding.
211
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,555
Come on! Stronger! Faster! Harder!
212
00:12:29,595 --> 00:12:32,155
Well, if I had a Euro for
every time I've shouted that...
213
00:12:32,195 --> 00:12:34,075
Stop talking, keep going.
214
00:12:34,115 --> 00:12:36,115
I'm gonna die.
215
00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:38,315
I'm gonna die.
216
00:12:38,355 --> 00:12:40,355
Come on, Kenneth!
217
00:12:42,635 --> 00:12:45,235
You've only gone up three
steps.
218
00:12:45,275 --> 00:12:48,315
Three steps? I feel like I've run a
marathon.
219
00:12:48,355 --> 00:12:50,475
Oh! Ooh!
220
00:12:50,515 --> 00:12:53,275
Oh, my God, what was in that
powdered drink you gave me?
221
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:55,755
It was a protein shake.
222
00:12:55,795 --> 00:12:58,875
Ooh! I've got enough gas in me to
get to Alicante!
223
00:12:58,915 --> 00:13:02,035
Protein's good for you, you should
drink as much of it as possible.
224
00:13:02,075 --> 00:13:04,555
Believe me, love, you're preaching
to the converted.
225
00:13:04,595 --> 00:13:06,795
I was talking about the shake.
226
00:13:06,835 --> 00:13:08,835
Oh, no. No, it's no good.
227
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:12,075
I'm gonna have to change these
shorts for something more heavy-duty.
228
00:13:12,115 --> 00:13:13,755
I see trouble on the horizon.
229
00:13:13,795 --> 00:13:16,435
Why don't we start with something
more gentle?
230
00:13:16,475 --> 00:13:18,595
How about a jog on the beach?
Perfect.
231
00:13:21,475 --> 00:13:23,115
What are you doing?
232
00:13:23,155 --> 00:13:26,035
Just ringing for a taxi. How else
are we gonna get to the beach?
233
00:13:33,555 --> 00:13:36,835
It's a shame
we can't stay a few more weeks.
234
00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:40,355
It would've been nice to spend my
last few days in the summer.
235
00:13:40,395 --> 00:13:42,635
Do we have to talk about it, Nana?
236
00:13:42,675 --> 00:13:45,595
Sorry, son, I didn't mean to upset
you.
237
00:13:45,635 --> 00:13:48,875
Oh, they're still engaged. Right, I
need to stretch my legs.
238
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,995
Who wants a drink? Keep ringing
them!
239
00:13:51,035 --> 00:13:53,035
Same again, everyone? Lovely.
240
00:13:53,075 --> 00:13:55,435
The doctor might have made a
mistake, Nana.
241
00:13:55,475 --> 00:13:57,595
Oh, I don't think so, son.
242
00:13:57,635 --> 00:13:59,435
They're very clever men.
243
00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:02,555
I've had a good life. I've no
complaints.
244
00:14:04,315 --> 00:14:06,595
Hello?
245
00:14:08,475 --> 00:14:10,475
This is her husband, Mick Garvey.
246
00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:13,635
Yeah, she has been ringing you, but
you've been engaged.
247
00:14:14,915 --> 00:14:17,835
You've been trying to call us back
and we've been engaged.
248
00:14:17,875 --> 00:14:19,875
Right, sorry about that.
249
00:14:19,915 --> 00:14:22,715
Yeah, yeah, I'm free to speak now,
thank you.
250
00:14:23,755 --> 00:14:25,755
They're putting me through to the
doctor.
251
00:14:25,795 --> 00:14:27,795
Do you wanna speak to him?
252
00:14:27,835 --> 00:14:29,835
Hello, Dr Kundu.
253
00:14:29,875 --> 00:14:31,875
Mick Garvey.
254
00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:34,235
Yeah. Thanks for ringing back.
255
00:14:34,275 --> 00:14:36,675
My wife was just wanting
to speak to you...
256
00:14:36,715 --> 00:14:39,995
It sounds lovely, but I don't think
I will today, thank you.
257
00:14:40,035 --> 00:14:43,035
Facial, massage, hot steam.
258
00:14:43,075 --> 00:14:45,075
Maybe a body wrap.
259
00:14:46,315 --> 00:14:49,275
No. You should take a little bit
more care of yourself.
260
00:14:49,315 --> 00:14:51,835
I'm sorry? This isn't pampering.
261
00:14:51,875 --> 00:14:53,875
It's maintenance.
262
00:14:53,915 --> 00:14:56,515
People see facials and massage as a
luxury,
263
00:14:56,555 --> 00:14:59,675
but they need to be part of every
woman's weekly routine.
264
00:14:59,715 --> 00:15:01,715
I'm a beauty therapist.
265
00:15:01,755 --> 00:15:03,435
Yeah, you've said.
266
00:15:03,475 --> 00:15:06,155
Here you go, pet, that's your
drinks. Thanks, love.
267
00:15:06,195 --> 00:15:07,955
Hey, Cyril's looking for you.
268
00:15:07,995 --> 00:15:11,075
Aren't you supposed to be going up
the Old Town with him? Ostia!
269
00:15:11,115 --> 00:15:13,115
Let me know if
you change your mind.
270
00:15:13,155 --> 00:15:16,035
I would love to get
my hands on your T-zone.
271
00:15:16,075 --> 00:15:17,475
Aye.
272
00:15:17,515 --> 00:15:19,515
I bet you would.
273
00:15:19,555 --> 00:15:22,475
So, you're a beauty therapist.
That's right.
274
00:15:22,515 --> 00:15:26,155
Oh, I've often thought I should try
and break into the beauty industry.
275
00:15:26,195 --> 00:15:28,715
Yeah, well,
I recommend you do it at night,
276
00:15:28,755 --> 00:15:30,755
when nobody can see you.
277
00:15:39,435 --> 00:15:42,475
Has he got through? They rang us.
278
00:15:43,635 --> 00:15:47,635
All right, Mikey? Don't fancy
a walk to the beach, do you?
279
00:15:47,675 --> 00:15:50,155
I don't think he will, love, not
today.
280
00:15:51,395 --> 00:15:53,395
Oh. OK.
281
00:15:53,435 --> 00:15:55,435
Sorry to bother you.
282
00:15:55,475 --> 00:15:57,475
Right, thanks very much.
283
00:15:57,515 --> 00:15:59,515
Thank you, Doctor.
284
00:16:02,235 --> 00:16:06,435
Madge, what can you remember about
the conversation with Dr Kundu,
285
00:16:06,475 --> 00:16:08,675
when he told you
you had six months to live?
286
00:16:08,715 --> 00:16:12,675
What do you mean? I mean, can you
remember anything unusual
287
00:16:12,715 --> 00:16:15,755
about the manner in which he gave
you this devastating news?
288
00:16:15,795 --> 00:16:18,915
I don't know what you're talking
about. Well, let's put it this way.
289
00:16:18,955 --> 00:16:21,595
If a doctor was telling me
I had six months to live,
290
00:16:21,635 --> 00:16:25,395
I assume he'd be diplomatic,
well-mannered, friendly even...
291
00:16:25,435 --> 00:16:28,035
Oh, no. He was an absolute bastard,
292
00:16:28,075 --> 00:16:30,435
shouting and screaming at me.
293
00:16:30,475 --> 00:16:32,835
He couldn't get me out of his office
soon enough.
294
00:16:32,875 --> 00:16:34,475
And you've no idea why?
295
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:37,955
I've stopped trying to understand
people like that a long time ago.
296
00:16:37,995 --> 00:16:40,715
Well, I've just spoken to Dr Kundu
and,
297
00:16:40,755 --> 00:16:42,555
even though it was over five months
ago,
298
00:16:42,595 --> 00:16:45,075
he had no trouble remembering when
you went to see him.
299
00:16:45,115 --> 00:16:48,995
Mick, get to the point. The point is
your mother has been banned
300
00:16:49,035 --> 00:16:52,195
from seeing every doctor in the
health centre for various reasons,
301
00:16:52,235 --> 00:16:54,435
ranging from racism to threatening
behaviour.
302
00:16:54,475 --> 00:16:56,275
I'm not a racialist.
303
00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:59,155
I've got everything Winifred Atwell
ever recorded.
304
00:16:59,195 --> 00:17:01,355
Dr Kundu was the only one who'd see
you.
305
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,675
When he found out you'd written to
the Manchester Evening News,
306
00:17:04,715 --> 00:17:07,155
just because you suspected he had a
drink problem,
307
00:17:07,195 --> 00:17:08,955
he banned you from the health
centre.
308
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:13,755
Yes and, after all that, he then
told me I had six months to live.
309
00:17:13,795 --> 00:17:18,435
Ha! He even said he wished I'd be
dead sooner.
310
00:17:18,475 --> 00:17:21,115
He told you,
you had six months to LEAVE!
311
00:17:21,155 --> 00:17:23,315
When people are banned from the
health centre,
312
00:17:23,355 --> 00:17:25,355
they're given time to find another
doctor.
313
00:17:25,395 --> 00:17:30,275
He said he wished he could get rid
of you sooner, but he had to give you six months to LEAVE.
314
00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:34,155
Six months to leave?
315
00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:37,275
Not six months to live?
316
00:17:37,315 --> 00:17:38,915
Yes.
317
00:17:41,035 --> 00:17:43,515
Well, how am I supposed
to understand him,
318
00:17:43,555 --> 00:17:45,555
with that bloody accent?
319
00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:47,595
I'm off to the beach.
320
00:17:47,635 --> 00:17:50,315
Take your phone.
321
00:17:50,355 --> 00:17:54,035
Mother, did you not think
to ask for a few more details?
322
00:17:54,075 --> 00:17:58,715
He's not a real doctor, his wife
used to be married to a vicar.
323
00:17:58,755 --> 00:18:00,635
What's that got to do
with anything?
324
00:18:00,675 --> 00:18:05,955
Ha! So, I've been sitting here, not
smoking, keeping out of the sun,
325
00:18:05,995 --> 00:18:09,635
because my doctor can hardly
string a sentence together.
326
00:18:09,675 --> 00:18:14,595
They should all be put up
against a wall and shot!
327
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:19,675
Where are you off to now? To get
some bloody cigs!
328
00:18:22,795 --> 00:18:24,795
I don't believe it.
329
00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:27,235
Well, one good thing
has come out of all of this.
330
00:18:27,275 --> 00:18:29,875
What's that? Out the way! Move!
331
00:18:29,915 --> 00:18:31,915
Madge is back.
332
00:18:45,338 --> 00:18:47,338
Why am I here?
333
00:18:47,378 --> 00:18:50,058
You, my friend, are here to carry
the pig?
334
00:18:50,098 --> 00:18:52,898
So why are you here? I am here to
pay for the pig.
335
00:18:52,938 --> 00:18:55,698
Why did you not just give me
the 200 Euros for the pig?
336
00:18:55,738 --> 00:18:58,978
Because, young man, armed with the
negotiating skills of
337
00:18:59,018 --> 00:19:01,938
a blind, drunken goat, you would've
paid 200 Euros.
338
00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:05,018
I thought you wanted the pig, not a
goat.
339
00:19:05,058 --> 00:19:06,818
I'm about to come out of that shop,
340
00:19:06,858 --> 00:19:09,498
having paid only 50 Euros for said
pig.
341
00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:12,098
The price is 200. How you pay 50?
342
00:19:12,138 --> 00:19:14,538
Stand back, my friend, watch and
learn,
343
00:19:14,578 --> 00:19:17,298
as the master goes to work.
344
00:19:19,898 --> 00:19:22,698
Excuse me, you see that pig in the
window?
345
00:19:22,738 --> 00:19:25,858
Well, I'll give you 20 Euros. No?
All right, 30?
346
00:19:26,938 --> 00:19:29,098
I'll give you the... Thank you.
347
00:19:29,138 --> 00:19:32,218
He won't move on
the price of the pig.
348
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,258
Come on, I've got another idea.
349
00:19:40,898 --> 00:19:43,258
What are we doing here? This is
disgusting.
350
00:19:43,298 --> 00:19:44,978
Take it from someone who knows:
351
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:48,098
fresh meat guidelines are
ludicrously stringent.
352
00:19:48,138 --> 00:19:52,738
If this meat was thrown away today,
there is nothing wrong with it, so long as it's cooked today.
353
00:19:52,778 --> 00:19:55,098
You want us to cook meat that has
been thrown away?
354
00:19:57,178 --> 00:19:59,298
Bingo!
355
00:20:06,858 --> 00:20:09,298
Looks just the job, that.
356
00:20:10,498 --> 00:20:13,258
Yes. You don't eat pig?
357
00:20:13,298 --> 00:20:16,818
I will not be eating this one,
I saw where it came from.
358
00:20:16,858 --> 00:20:19,698
Yeah, you can get emotionally
attached to 'em,
359
00:20:19,738 --> 00:20:21,858
if you've seen 'em running about,
and that.
360
00:20:21,898 --> 00:20:24,858
I was the same when I went to see
the film Winnie The Pooh.
361
00:20:24,898 --> 00:20:27,218
You never ate pooh again?
362
00:20:28,338 --> 00:20:32,458
Piglet. Piglet was one of the
characters in Winnie The Pooh.
363
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:35,738
Honestly, you try and have a decent
conversation...
364
00:20:44,898 --> 00:20:48,698
Hiya. I've changed my mind, if you
still fancy going.
365
00:20:49,858 --> 00:20:53,378
To the spa, that is. Ooh! You don't
need to ask me twice.
366
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,898
Ooh, are you coming, bubs? Girls'
day out?
367
00:20:55,938 --> 00:20:57,938
No, I'm sunbathing.
368
00:20:57,978 --> 00:21:00,378
Oh, OK, my sweet pea.
369
00:21:00,418 --> 00:21:02,498
Mwah!
370
00:21:07,738 --> 00:21:09,738
You don't know how much it is, do
you?
371
00:21:09,778 --> 00:21:11,938
My treat, Jan. Come on.
372
00:21:11,978 --> 00:21:15,418
Here, do you know what that barman
just said to me?
373
00:21:15,458 --> 00:21:17,058
No.
374
00:21:17,098 --> 00:21:19,778
What's going on, am I invisible or
what?
375
00:21:19,818 --> 00:21:22,058
Sorry, pal, I didn't see you there.
376
00:21:40,178 --> 00:21:43,138
Come on, Kenneth, no pain, no gain.
377
00:21:43,178 --> 00:21:45,178
Oh, I can't breathe.
378
00:21:45,218 --> 00:21:47,218
Work through the pain.
379
00:21:47,258 --> 00:21:49,258
Sorry, I...
380
00:21:57,738 --> 00:21:59,738
That's better.
381
00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,498
This is more like it.
382
00:22:08,378 --> 00:22:11,778
No, my friend, THAT is more like it.
383
00:22:14,538 --> 00:22:17,138
Hola. Pedalo for you today?
384
00:22:17,178 --> 00:22:20,298
Any freebies, going? No, sorry?
385
00:22:20,338 --> 00:22:22,338
And what about the pedalos?
386
00:22:26,058 --> 00:22:30,338
Listen, we'd love to hire a pedalo,
but my mate, he's scared of water.
387
00:22:30,378 --> 00:22:31,978
He can't swim - I can swim.
388
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:33,618
Argh!
389
00:22:33,658 --> 00:22:35,658
And, well, he's a bit nervous.
390
00:22:35,698 --> 00:22:38,978
Maybe, if you could join us, you
know, safety in numbers.
391
00:22:39,018 --> 00:22:41,018
I'm not nervous.
392
00:22:43,098 --> 00:22:46,258
He always says that when he's
nervous. Wait here.
393
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:49,218
What did you say that for? Don't
screw this up, Mikey.
394
00:22:49,258 --> 00:22:51,058
I know what I'm doing.
395
00:22:53,218 --> 00:22:57,178
Well, if you have someone who
cannot swim, I shall come with you.
396
00:23:00,418 --> 00:23:02,418
What did I tell you?
397
00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:20,048
I bet you could get used to this,
couldn't you, Jan?
398
00:23:20,088 --> 00:23:22,408
That massage was nice.
399
00:23:22,448 --> 00:23:24,728
Mm. Mine was built like
Schwarzenegger.
400
00:23:24,768 --> 00:23:28,848
His hands were going everywhere.
Really? Mm.
401
00:23:28,888 --> 00:23:33,088
I had this massive German woman called
Ingrid who smelled like window putty.
402
00:23:33,128 --> 00:23:34,888
Mine was very masculine.
403
00:23:34,928 --> 00:23:37,928
Big muscles, huge moustache.
404
00:23:37,968 --> 00:23:39,968
Sounds a bit like Ingrid.
405
00:23:40,008 --> 00:23:42,928
But it's important to look after
ourselves at our age.
406
00:23:42,968 --> 00:23:47,008
I say our age, I bet
you're not that much older than me.
407
00:23:48,128 --> 00:23:49,528
No.
408
00:23:49,568 --> 00:23:51,568
It's difficult though.
409
00:23:51,608 --> 00:23:53,208
I have a PT at home.
410
00:23:53,248 --> 00:23:55,248
Oh, mine's getting worse.
411
00:23:55,288 --> 00:23:57,488
I'm forever snapping at the kids.
412
00:23:57,528 --> 00:24:00,928
And, two weeks out of every month,
I can't get my jeans on.
413
00:24:02,048 --> 00:24:04,448
What? Pre-menstrual tension.
414
00:24:05,608 --> 00:24:07,608
Is that not what you meant?
415
00:24:07,648 --> 00:24:11,288
PT - personal trainer, for the gym.
416
00:24:11,328 --> 00:24:13,008
Oh, sorry.
417
00:24:13,048 --> 00:24:16,168
His name's Chad. He's an American
and 32.
418
00:24:16,208 --> 00:24:19,688
£70 an hour but, my God,
he is worth every penny.
419
00:24:19,728 --> 00:24:21,728
£70 an hour?
420
00:24:21,768 --> 00:24:23,368
Jesus!
421
00:24:23,408 --> 00:24:27,408
I'd want him to be building me an extension
at the same time for that kind of money.
422
00:24:27,448 --> 00:24:30,688
Believe me, I have tried to budget,
but I don't know how you do it.
423
00:24:30,728 --> 00:24:33,608
But I see you've got that lovely
thing my mother had.
424
00:24:33,648 --> 00:24:37,408
You don't care how you look as long
as your kids are turned out nice.
425
00:24:37,448 --> 00:24:39,448
I respect you for that.
426
00:24:40,808 --> 00:24:43,408
I think I'm gonna have a shower and
get dressed.
427
00:24:43,448 --> 00:24:47,448
OK, Jan. I might have a cheeky five
minutes in the steam room,
428
00:24:47,488 --> 00:24:49,488
but I will see you
in the reception.
429
00:24:49,528 --> 00:24:51,888
Yeah. These floors are dead slippy.
430
00:24:51,928 --> 00:24:53,888
Mind you don't fall and break your
neck.
431
00:24:53,928 --> 00:24:55,928
Cheers, Jan.
432
00:24:55,968 --> 00:24:57,768
And it's Janice.
433
00:24:58,888 --> 00:25:02,688
I cannot close your account until
your friend has finished her treatments.
434
00:25:02,728 --> 00:25:05,888
Would you just like to pay for your
treatments, Mrs Gravy?
435
00:25:05,928 --> 00:25:07,928
It's Garvey.
436
00:25:07,968 --> 00:25:09,968
How much is it?
437
00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:14,408
Your personal invoice comes to 210
Euros.
438
00:25:17,128 --> 00:25:19,528
I think I'll wait for my friend.
439
00:25:19,568 --> 00:25:21,968
No problem. Please, take a seat.
440
00:25:34,328 --> 00:25:36,808
Come on now, ladies and gentlemen.
441
00:25:36,848 --> 00:25:39,248
We have space for one more
competitor.
442
00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:41,088
The rules are very simple.
443
00:25:41,128 --> 00:25:42,928
All you have to do is eat.
444
00:25:42,968 --> 00:25:44,888
No takers?
445
00:25:44,928 --> 00:25:46,528
There.
446
00:25:46,568 --> 00:25:49,288
Oh, thank you, sir. Step right this
way.
447
00:25:49,328 --> 00:25:51,928
Bloody hell, I think
we should have got a bigger pig.
448
00:25:51,968 --> 00:25:55,728
We may as well all forget it. Jimmy
Five Bellies has got it in the bag.
449
00:25:56,968 --> 00:25:58,608
Hiya.
450
00:25:58,648 --> 00:26:00,408
Look at the state of you two.
451
00:26:00,448 --> 00:26:03,328
You look as if you couldn't manage a
mouthful each. I'm sorry?
452
00:26:03,368 --> 00:26:07,328
That pig is going down. Down my
throat.
453
00:26:07,368 --> 00:26:09,528
You know-hopers
haven't got a chance.
454
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:12,088
All right, Donald, calm down, it's
only a bit of fun.
455
00:26:12,128 --> 00:26:15,368
Oh, I don't mean to be rude, this is
just jive talk.
456
00:26:15,408 --> 00:26:17,208
All big fighters do it before a
match.
457
00:26:17,248 --> 00:26:20,328
You're eating a plate of pork, not
going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
458
00:26:20,368 --> 00:26:22,368
Bring on the meat!
459
00:26:22,408 --> 00:26:25,008
Are you sure you wanna do this, B?
460
00:26:25,048 --> 00:26:27,728
I can drink or eat
any man under the table.
461
00:26:27,768 --> 00:26:30,048
There you go. She's got the idea.
462
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:33,688
Your mother wouldn't know a plate of
pork if it hit her in the face.
463
00:26:33,728 --> 00:26:35,928
Are you talking about my family?
Sorry.
464
00:26:35,968 --> 00:26:38,248
The rules are very simple.
465
00:26:38,288 --> 00:26:40,368
Eat as much pig as you can.
466
00:26:40,408 --> 00:26:42,168
Mind the crackling.
467
00:26:42,208 --> 00:26:45,648
There's no runners up, it's winner
takes all.
468
00:26:45,688 --> 00:26:49,528
OK, we are now full to capacity.
469
00:26:49,568 --> 00:26:51,368
Very full.
470
00:26:52,568 --> 00:26:55,808
Gentlemen, and lady, raise your
forks.
471
00:26:57,168 --> 00:27:00,088
Three, two, one, eat!
472
00:27:18,488 --> 00:27:20,608
Tiger, you need to wear your life
vest.
473
00:27:20,648 --> 00:27:23,528
Come on, let's get this bitch
steaming.
474
00:27:23,568 --> 00:27:26,168
Oh, I don't mean you, I mean the
pedalo.
475
00:27:26,208 --> 00:27:29,208
If Elena says you should wear your
life vest, you should wear it.
476
00:27:29,248 --> 00:27:31,248
Aw, listen to him.
477
00:27:31,288 --> 00:27:33,208
I told you he gets nervous around
water.
478
00:27:33,248 --> 00:27:35,968
I'm not nervous, I'm just saying if
we're going far out,
479
00:27:36,008 --> 00:27:38,008
then I think you should put it on.
480
00:27:39,128 --> 00:27:40,728
Just keep pedalling, mate.
481
00:27:40,768 --> 00:27:44,888
The only thing to worry about is
what to do with yourself when me and Elena go for a swim.
482
00:27:56,688 --> 00:27:59,688
Where have you been? You said you
were gonna be five minutes.
483
00:27:59,728 --> 00:28:02,688
Sorry, Jan, I nodded off in the
steam room.
484
00:28:02,728 --> 00:28:04,848
Mind you, look at the results.
485
00:28:04,888 --> 00:28:08,608
I know I shouldn't say it myself,
but my skin looks amazing.
486
00:28:09,928 --> 00:28:12,048
I'd like to settle our bill, thank
you.
487
00:28:12,088 --> 00:28:15,128
The total for both of you is 460
Euros.
488
00:28:15,168 --> 00:28:17,768
Worth every penny. Janice.
489
00:28:17,808 --> 00:28:19,688
My name's Janice.
490
00:28:19,728 --> 00:28:21,448
If I can get your name right,
Tonya,
491
00:28:21,488 --> 00:28:23,168
I'm sure you can manage 'Janice'.
492
00:28:23,208 --> 00:28:26,888
Oh, dear. I think someone should
have spent a few more minutes
493
00:28:26,928 --> 00:28:29,008
in the hydrotherapy
relaxation tank.
494
00:28:29,048 --> 00:28:32,128
Erm... Everything all right?
495
00:28:32,168 --> 00:28:34,168
Sorry, your card has broken.
496
00:28:34,208 --> 00:28:37,128
Broken? Oh, my God! Look at that.
497
00:28:37,168 --> 00:28:40,008
Well, I did give it quite a
hammering before I came out here.
498
00:28:40,048 --> 00:28:42,328
You haven't got a card on you, have
you, Jan?
499
00:28:42,368 --> 00:28:45,368
Sorry, Janice? That's the only one
I brought with me.
500
00:28:45,408 --> 00:28:47,448
Can't we just come back
with another card?
501
00:28:47,488 --> 00:28:50,008
Sorry. I don't know if this card's
gonna work.
502
00:28:50,048 --> 00:28:52,128
I don't know what the overdraught
is.
503
00:28:52,168 --> 00:28:53,928
We can settle up later, can't we?
504
00:28:53,968 --> 00:28:55,568
Your secret number, please.
505
00:28:56,928 --> 00:28:59,328
I tell you what,
I'll get next time.
506
00:28:59,368 --> 00:29:02,008
I can't wait for
another deep-tissue massage.
507
00:29:02,048 --> 00:29:04,768
I'll see you outside.
It's getting a bit warm in here.
508
00:29:04,808 --> 00:29:06,488
Thank you, Mrs Gravy.
509
00:29:06,528 --> 00:29:08,528
That has gone through just fine.
510
00:29:16,168 --> 00:29:18,768
17, 18,
511
00:29:18,808 --> 00:29:20,808
19...
512
00:29:21,888 --> 00:29:26,208
You've not been doing 'em! Liam,
love, I'm absolutely shagged out.
513
00:29:26,248 --> 00:29:28,048
Can we go back now? No!
514
00:29:28,088 --> 00:29:31,808
You wanted to get fit and the only way to do
that is to push through the pain barrier.
515
00:29:31,848 --> 00:29:34,568
I've already nearly pushed through
once, in these shorts.
516
00:29:34,608 --> 00:29:37,088
That protein drink should carry a
health warning,
517
00:29:37,128 --> 00:29:39,208
and washing instructions, at least.
518
00:29:39,248 --> 00:29:42,648
Kenneth, you drink too much, you
smoke too much, you eat too much.
519
00:29:42,688 --> 00:29:45,488
How do you think you can go on like
this? Who said I eat too much?
520
00:29:45,528 --> 00:29:49,848
We have to go to Albir to the all-you-can-eat
restaurant, as you've been banned from Benidorm.
521
00:29:49,888 --> 00:29:51,968
That is not true. I'm not banned
from Mr Wu's.
522
00:29:52,008 --> 00:29:55,048
They just ask that I bring my own
reinforced chair to sit on.
523
00:29:55,088 --> 00:29:59,768
You're asked to bring a chair to an
all-you-can-eat restaurant because you break their furniture.
524
00:29:59,808 --> 00:30:02,568
You can't be happy with that.
Happy? I'm livid.
525
00:30:02,608 --> 00:30:04,568
Do you know how much that chair
weighs?
526
00:30:04,608 --> 00:30:07,808
I can't carry that all round town
with me. Listen to yourself.
527
00:30:07,848 --> 00:30:10,048
Is this the person you want to be?
528
00:30:10,088 --> 00:30:12,088
No, of course it's not,
529
00:30:12,128 --> 00:30:14,888
but I've not done this exercise
thing before.
530
00:30:14,928 --> 00:30:16,528
I'm finding it really difficult.
531
00:30:16,568 --> 00:30:19,448
A journey of 1,000 miles starts
with one step.
532
00:30:19,488 --> 00:30:21,328
1,000 miles? Are you taking the
piss?
533
00:30:21,368 --> 00:30:24,168
I'm supposed to meet Derek and Mark
in the Old Town at eight.
534
00:30:24,208 --> 00:30:27,248
It's just a saying. It means things
might be difficult now
535
00:30:27,288 --> 00:30:29,368
but, if we do a little bit every
day...
536
00:30:30,648 --> 00:30:32,648
Come on, then. What's next?
537
00:30:32,688 --> 00:30:34,688
Power-walk up to the cross.
538
00:30:34,728 --> 00:30:37,888
Up to the cross? Are you joking?
That'll kill me!
539
00:30:37,928 --> 00:30:40,968
There's a great view down onto the
nudist beach from there.
540
00:30:41,008 --> 00:30:42,648
Ooh, you little swine.
541
00:30:42,688 --> 00:30:44,688
You know me far too well.
542
00:30:44,728 --> 00:30:46,728
Come on, then.
543
00:30:50,328 --> 00:30:52,728
I'm coming.
544
00:31:02,048 --> 00:31:04,048
Oh, come on, shovel it in.
545
00:31:04,088 --> 00:31:06,808
I've seen you eat more at breakfast.
Will you shut up?
546
00:31:06,848 --> 00:31:08,928
Right, that's me done.
547
00:31:08,968 --> 00:31:14,008
I've got pig fatigue. Don't eat it
if you can't face it, B.
548
00:31:14,048 --> 00:31:15,928
I'm on my second plate,
lightweight.
549
00:31:15,968 --> 00:31:17,688
Go on, girl.
550
00:31:17,728 --> 00:31:21,368
Watch that one. Watch her.
She's shoving it down her socks.
551
00:31:21,408 --> 00:31:24,208
I know all the tricks.
You can't fool me.
552
00:31:24,248 --> 00:31:26,128
I'm not wearing socks, you silly
cow.
553
00:31:26,168 --> 00:31:28,208
That's my mother-in-law you're
talking to.
554
00:31:28,248 --> 00:31:31,128
You're saying she's not a silly
cow?! Fair point well made.
555
00:31:31,168 --> 00:31:34,768
So we're one down and seven
remaining.
556
00:31:34,808 --> 00:31:37,008
Ooh, you're back. Fancy a bit of
pork?
557
00:31:37,048 --> 00:31:38,648
No, I don't.
558
00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:40,688
I thought you went to a health spa?
559
00:31:40,728 --> 00:31:42,368
You look shocking. Thanks!
560
00:31:42,408 --> 00:31:45,168
You should ask for your money back.
Don't worry.
561
00:31:46,248 --> 00:31:47,968
I intend to.
562
00:32:04,128 --> 00:32:07,248
I think we should turn back.
We are passed the safety marker.
563
00:32:07,288 --> 00:32:10,328
We need to turn back. But, first, I
need to cool off.
564
00:32:10,368 --> 00:32:13,808
Tiger, the water is too deep here.
You must put on your life vest.
565
00:32:13,848 --> 00:32:17,488
I could lose my job if my uncle comes back
and sees how far we are out here.
566
00:32:17,528 --> 00:32:19,528
Wooo!
567
00:32:19,568 --> 00:32:22,168
Mate, stop messing around.
568
00:32:22,208 --> 00:32:25,408
We're too far out. Come on, Elena,
it's beautiful.
569
00:32:25,448 --> 00:32:27,128
Why is your friend such an asshole?
570
00:32:27,168 --> 00:32:29,808
I've been trying to figure that one
out for the last week.
571
00:32:33,568 --> 00:32:35,808
Oh, my God. Michael, what is wrong?
572
00:32:35,848 --> 00:32:37,568
I think I just saw something.
573
00:32:37,608 --> 00:32:39,608
What? What did you see, Michael?
574
00:32:39,648 --> 00:32:41,848
I think I saw a shark. A shark?!
575
00:32:41,888 --> 00:32:44,888
There are no sharks in the
Mediterranean.
576
00:32:44,928 --> 00:32:47,208
Well, not in this part, it'll be a
dolphin.
577
00:32:47,248 --> 00:32:49,248
I don't think it was.
578
00:32:49,288 --> 00:32:52,888
Mate, I think you should come back,
there's something in the water!
579
00:32:52,928 --> 00:32:55,968
What? I can't hear you. There's
something in the water.
580
00:32:56,008 --> 00:32:58,488
There's something in the water!
581
00:32:58,528 --> 00:33:01,128
You can't get me with that
one, mate.
582
00:33:03,608 --> 00:33:06,408
Oh! Oh, my God!
583
00:33:06,448 --> 00:33:08,928
Oh, my God! Help me! I'm gonna die!
584
00:33:08,968 --> 00:33:12,208
Don't panic, it's only a dolphin.
Oh, my goodness.
585
00:33:12,248 --> 00:33:14,648
What's wrong? Help me! That is not
a dolphin!
586
00:33:14,688 --> 00:33:17,008
I'm gonna die! Help me! Help!
587
00:33:21,048 --> 00:33:23,048
What are you doing, Michael?
588
00:33:23,088 --> 00:33:24,688
Michael!
589
00:33:24,728 --> 00:33:26,568
Stop thrashing about, you dick!
590
00:33:26,608 --> 00:33:28,608
Michael, hurry!
591
00:33:32,088 --> 00:33:34,088
Quickly!
592
00:33:38,248 --> 00:33:40,248
Get hold of him!
593
00:33:48,248 --> 00:33:51,048
What is wrong with you? Oh, my God!
594
00:33:51,088 --> 00:33:52,848
You ought to see your faces!
595
00:33:52,888 --> 00:33:54,808
Oh, man, that was class!
596
00:33:54,848 --> 00:33:56,648
My mate nearly had a heart attack.
597
00:33:59,768 --> 00:34:01,768
Oh, please, stop.
598
00:34:03,848 --> 00:34:05,608
I can't breathe.
599
00:34:06,648 --> 00:34:08,488
Come on, let's get back.
600
00:34:08,528 --> 00:34:12,288
Here, mate, I don't suppose I can
get a lift back, can I? No.
601
00:34:12,328 --> 00:34:14,968
I'm knackered. You're joking,
aren't you? You can swim.
602
00:34:15,008 --> 00:34:17,008
Oi, mate! Mate!
603
00:34:19,528 --> 00:34:21,528
Here, mate!
604
00:34:23,688 --> 00:34:25,688
Here, mate! Oi!
605
00:34:30,008 --> 00:34:32,088
Come on, Donald.
606
00:34:32,128 --> 00:34:35,728
If your arms are tiring, put your
face in your plate.
607
00:34:38,408 --> 00:34:40,408
How's it all going?
608
00:34:40,448 --> 00:34:43,528
So far, so good. No fatalities yet.
609
00:34:43,568 --> 00:34:47,088
Although, if our friend in
the pink keeps this up,
610
00:34:47,128 --> 00:34:50,328
we may have to cover the pool, to
get the Air Ambulance in.
611
00:34:51,808 --> 00:34:53,808
OK, people time is up.
612
00:34:53,848 --> 00:34:58,608
That is the end of the Solana's
annual Hombre Vs Food competition.
613
00:34:58,648 --> 00:35:02,288
And we have a winner. Oh!
614
00:35:02,328 --> 00:35:04,328
Mateo, get the prize!
615
00:35:06,208 --> 00:35:10,888
That's not fair. He's obviously a
professional competitive eater.
616
00:35:10,928 --> 00:35:13,728
There you go. Ah!
617
00:35:13,768 --> 00:35:16,608
Don't worry, they're quite stretchy
once you get them on.
618
00:35:16,648 --> 00:35:22,408
Thank you. May I remind you that
Solana T-shirts are available to purchase in reception,
619
00:35:22,448 --> 00:35:24,448
between the hours...
620
00:35:24,488 --> 00:35:28,048
Oh, dear. I think someone might need
a little siesta.
621
00:35:29,128 --> 00:35:33,328
As I was saying, T-shirts of the
Solana or Neptune are available -
622
00:35:33,368 --> 00:35:35,368
Ooh!
623
00:35:35,408 --> 00:35:37,968
Stand back, everyone!
624
00:35:38,008 --> 00:35:39,728
He's gonna blow!
625
00:35:39,768 --> 00:35:41,368
Oh, dear.
626
00:35:41,408 --> 00:35:45,128
It seems there's a fine line
between prize winning and piggery.
627
00:35:45,168 --> 00:35:47,448
A little lesson for us all there, I
think.
628
00:35:49,528 --> 00:35:51,528
Are you all right?
629
00:35:53,608 --> 00:35:55,608
Oh, God.
630
00:36:04,648 --> 00:36:07,728
It's the pig, you've not cooked it
for long enough.
631
00:36:07,768 --> 00:36:09,888
Hey, I know how to cook a pig.
632
00:36:09,928 --> 00:36:13,168
If Squirrel hadn't taken it for
free out of the rubbish bin,
633
00:36:13,208 --> 00:36:15,208
they would be OK.
634
00:36:15,248 --> 00:36:17,888
Cyril, is this true?
635
00:36:17,928 --> 00:36:19,728
It should be fine.
636
00:36:19,768 --> 00:36:22,528
I've been eating food out of bins
for weeks in Benidorm.
637
00:36:22,568 --> 00:36:24,568
There's nothing wrong with me.
638
00:36:24,608 --> 00:36:26,688
Lesley, ring a doctor.
639
00:36:26,728 --> 00:36:28,768
Mateo, move that pig.
640
00:36:28,808 --> 00:36:33,048
And anyone who's eaten that pork,
keep out of the pool.
641
00:36:41,368 --> 00:36:43,368
I'm all right. I'm all right.
642
00:36:44,448 --> 00:36:47,088
I knew it wasn't a real shark. We
must get you to a doctor.
643
00:36:47,128 --> 00:36:49,408
I think you are in shock.
I said I'm fine.
644
00:36:50,528 --> 00:36:52,528
Where's that dick?
645
00:36:52,568 --> 00:36:54,568
I'm gonna knock him out!
646
00:36:54,608 --> 00:36:56,608
Let's just go. Come here, you!
647
00:36:56,648 --> 00:36:59,168
Calm down, big fella, it was just a
joke.
648
00:36:59,208 --> 00:37:01,728
Just a joke? You know what your
problem is, don't you?
649
00:37:01,768 --> 00:37:03,768
You've got no sense of humour.
650
00:37:03,808 --> 00:37:07,208
You'll have no sense of smell, when
I spread your nose across your face.
651
00:37:10,928 --> 00:37:13,408
Michael, are you OK?
652
00:37:14,768 --> 00:37:17,408
Come on, let's go. I said let's go.
653
00:37:22,008 --> 00:37:24,528
What's wrong with you? Why are we
going?
654
00:37:25,768 --> 00:37:27,768
She was fit.
655
00:37:44,322 --> 00:37:48,022
Right. Well,
I can't track down Cyril anywhere.
656
00:37:48,062 --> 00:37:52,582
I suppose it's understandable, if
he's lying low. Lying low?
657
00:37:52,622 --> 00:37:55,822
He should be strung up from the
nearest palm tree for what he's done.
658
00:37:55,862 --> 00:37:58,342
Please, Lesley, let's not get
hysterical.
659
00:37:58,382 --> 00:38:01,662
What if it was me who got the
smelly pig, and not Squirrel, huh?
660
00:38:01,702 --> 00:38:04,782
Would I be OK to lie on the low for
a while? No.
661
00:38:04,822 --> 00:38:06,542
I would be carrying the sack.
662
00:38:06,582 --> 00:38:08,382
I couldn't have put it better
myself.
663
00:38:09,742 --> 00:38:11,742
I could've done,
but I know what you mean.
664
00:38:11,782 --> 00:38:15,862
Look, I agree, Mr Babcock has put us
in a very tricky situation.
665
00:38:15,902 --> 00:38:20,662
And, when head office find out... my
job will be on the line.
666
00:38:21,782 --> 00:38:24,902
Somebody has to take responsibility
for this.
667
00:38:25,942 --> 00:38:29,022
But, I'm sorry, that person is not
going to be Squirrel -
668
00:38:29,062 --> 00:38:30,662
I mean Cyril.
669
00:38:30,702 --> 00:38:33,542
I make no apologies, I'm going to be
straight with you.
670
00:38:33,582 --> 00:38:36,462
I don't normally talk about my
personal life,
671
00:38:36,502 --> 00:38:39,702
but I've let that man walk out of my
life twice now,
672
00:38:39,742 --> 00:38:42,982
and I'm not going to let it happen a
third time.
673
00:38:44,022 --> 00:38:46,382
Maybe we could blame it on Jesus.
674
00:38:46,422 --> 00:38:48,422
What, you mean, like an act of God?
675
00:38:48,462 --> 00:38:52,062
No, man, Jesus, the soft lad that
works in maintenance.
676
00:38:52,102 --> 00:38:54,102
Khay-zoos. Bless you.
677
00:38:55,222 --> 00:38:58,342
I will be taking full responsibility
for this incident.
678
00:38:58,382 --> 00:39:02,422
I'll make out a full report and
E-mail it to head office now.
679
00:39:04,422 --> 00:39:06,782
If they get rid of me, I'll go...
680
00:39:08,982 --> 00:39:10,982
but at least I won't go alone.
681
00:39:22,422 --> 00:39:25,422
♪ Love letters straight
682
00:39:25,462 --> 00:39:29,542
♪ From your heart
683
00:39:33,902 --> 00:39:37,102
♪ Keep us so near
684
00:39:37,142 --> 00:39:41,142
♪ While apart ♪
685
00:39:43,502 --> 00:39:46,902
♪ Cos I'm having a good time,
having a good time
686
00:39:46,942 --> 00:39:50,662
♪ I'm a shooting star, leaping
through the sky like a tiger
687
00:39:50,702 --> 00:39:54,022
♪ Defying the laws of gravity...
688
00:39:54,062 --> 00:39:56,062
Just tell me how much it was.
689
00:39:56,102 --> 00:39:58,702
I'm gonna find out when the
statement comes in.
690
00:39:58,742 --> 00:40:01,782
It doesn't matter because I'm going
to get the money back anyway.
691
00:40:01,822 --> 00:40:05,262
If you're gonna get the money back,
why don't you just...?
692
00:40:05,302 --> 00:40:06,902
Oh, God, here we go again.
693
00:40:06,942 --> 00:40:11,222
♪ 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit
694
00:40:11,262 --> 00:40:13,622
♪ I'm travelling at
the speed of light
695
00:40:13,662 --> 00:40:16,942
♪ I wanna make a supersonic man
out of you...
696
00:40:16,982 --> 00:40:19,582
It's a good job you didn't have any
of that pork, Mam.
697
00:40:19,622 --> 00:40:22,022
You'd have been crippled, with your
funny stomach.
698
00:40:22,062 --> 00:40:26,022
I never go near pork. Disgusting
animals. You have bacon.
699
00:40:26,062 --> 00:40:29,822
Bacon doesn't count. You've got to
have bacon with your breakfast.
700
00:40:29,862 --> 00:40:32,702
And you like gammon. Aye, I like a
bit of gammon.
701
00:40:32,742 --> 00:40:35,222
And what about pork sausages?
702
00:40:35,262 --> 00:40:36,862
Well, yeah.
703
00:40:36,902 --> 00:40:40,222
Apart from bacon, gammon and
sausages.
704
00:40:40,262 --> 00:40:43,462
Apart from those, I wouldn't go
anywhere near pork.
705
00:40:46,102 --> 00:40:48,302
You've been quiet. How was the
beach?
706
00:40:48,342 --> 00:40:50,342
Yeah, it was all right.
707
00:40:50,382 --> 00:40:54,262
Is that it? Well, what do you want
me to say? It's just a beach.
708
00:40:54,302 --> 00:40:57,182
All right, misery.
..oh, explode!
709
00:40:57,222 --> 00:41:02,222
♪ I'm burning through the sky, yeah,
200 degrees, that's why
710
00:41:02,262 --> 00:41:05,102
Oh, Jesus.
♪ They call me Mr Fahrenheit... ♪
711
00:41:05,142 --> 00:41:08,222
♪ I don't know why he doesn't spend
the night in there.
712
00:41:08,262 --> 00:41:10,702
He more or less has.
..supersonic woman of you
713
00:41:12,862 --> 00:41:14,982
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me,
Don't stop me
714
00:41:15,022 --> 00:41:17,542
♪ Hey, hey, hey!
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me... ♪
715
00:41:17,582 --> 00:41:21,142
Well, I would love to know
what went on down at that beach.
716
00:41:21,182 --> 00:41:23,262
You've not said a word since you've
come back.
717
00:41:23,302 --> 00:41:26,182
You look like your dad, when I
backed his Porsche into the pool.
718
00:41:26,222 --> 00:41:28,702
Don't ever, ever say I look like my
dad!
719
00:41:28,742 --> 00:41:31,302
No, you take after your Mama
720
00:41:31,342 --> 00:41:34,382
when it comes to your beautiful
face, don't you? Shut up!
721
00:41:36,062 --> 00:41:38,502
How has that pork not affected you?
I'm fine.
722
00:41:38,542 --> 00:41:40,422
I know. I was asking how.
723
00:41:40,462 --> 00:41:42,742
You've always had a strong
constitution, bubs.
724
00:41:42,782 --> 00:41:44,662
I suppose so, whatever that is.
725
00:41:45,862 --> 00:41:49,102
I feel like I've been flushed out
by Dyno-Rod. Charming!
726
00:41:49,142 --> 00:41:50,742
What was that thing you had,
727
00:41:50,782 --> 00:41:52,982
when they shoved that hosepipe up
your jacksy?
728
00:41:53,022 --> 00:41:55,142
All right, some of us are trying to
eat.
729
00:41:55,182 --> 00:41:58,662
Colonic hydrotherapy.
Absolutely horrendous.
730
00:41:58,702 --> 00:42:00,502
All right, I give up.
731
00:42:00,542 --> 00:42:03,542
That white sofa in our conservatory's
never looked right since.
732
00:42:03,582 --> 00:42:06,982
How was the spa, today?
A bit over-priced, to be honest.
733
00:42:07,022 --> 00:42:09,862
Mind you, I didn't have to -
Hold that thought.
734
00:42:09,902 --> 00:42:11,782
♪ ..through the sky, yeah
735
00:42:11,822 --> 00:42:14,782
♪ 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit
736
00:42:14,822 --> 00:42:16,822
Anyone for pudding?
737
00:42:16,862 --> 00:42:18,782
♪ I'm travelling at
the speed of light
738
00:42:18,822 --> 00:42:21,742
♪ I wanna make a supersonic woman of
you
739
00:42:23,822 --> 00:42:25,582
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me
740
00:42:25,622 --> 00:42:27,342
♪ Don't stop me
♪ Hey, hey, hey!
741
00:42:27,382 --> 00:42:30,022
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me,
Ooh, ooh, ooh
742
00:42:30,062 --> 00:42:31,982
♪ I like it!
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me
743
00:42:32,022 --> 00:42:33,662
♪ Have a good time, good time
744
00:42:33,702 --> 00:42:35,702
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me
745
00:42:35,742 --> 00:42:37,422
♪ Whoa, yeah!
746
00:42:41,862 --> 00:42:43,862
Amazing. I feel like a new man.
747
00:42:43,902 --> 00:42:47,582
I told you. The high after a good training
session is like nothing else on earth.
748
00:42:47,622 --> 00:42:50,942
Well, nearly. I'd go easy on them
spuds, though.
749
00:42:50,982 --> 00:42:54,222
Best to avoid carbs, until you lose
a bit of weight.
750
00:42:54,262 --> 00:42:57,062
You're joking? My body is a
highly-tuned machine.
751
00:42:57,102 --> 00:42:59,022
I need to fuel the furnace.
752
00:42:59,062 --> 00:43:00,662
Ooh!
753
00:43:00,702 --> 00:43:02,942
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
754
00:43:02,982 --> 00:43:05,502
It's just a food stitch. I'll work
through it.
755
00:43:05,542 --> 00:43:07,542
♪ ..supersonic man out of you
756
00:43:07,582 --> 00:43:09,422
♪ Don't stop me now
757
00:43:09,462 --> 00:43:11,462
♪ I'm having such a good time... ♪
758
00:43:11,502 --> 00:43:14,182
Miss Temple-Savage, you are OK?
I'm fine.
759
00:43:14,222 --> 00:43:16,182
You will not lose your job.
760
00:43:16,222 --> 00:43:18,022
We will make sure of this.
761
00:43:18,062 --> 00:43:20,062
It's not that, it...
762
00:43:23,902 --> 00:43:25,502
Yes?
763
00:43:25,542 --> 00:43:28,062
Nothing. You have not heard from
Squirrel?
764
00:43:28,102 --> 00:43:31,102
No, Mateo, I have not heard from
Squirrel.
765
00:43:31,142 --> 00:43:34,742
He is just, as you say,
lying on the low.
766
00:43:34,782 --> 00:43:37,422
He will come back. I hope so.
767
00:43:37,462 --> 00:43:39,942
I really do hope so.
768
00:43:48,542 --> 00:43:50,942
♪ That's life... ♪
769
00:43:50,982 --> 00:43:54,262
I see we've not heard anything more
from that Dr Kundu.
770
00:43:54,302 --> 00:43:56,302
He knows he's in the wrong.
771
00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:59,502
He's lucky I'm not suing him from
arsehole to breakfast time.
772
00:43:59,542 --> 00:44:02,622
I'm just glad we're all together,
and that you're in good health.
773
00:44:02,662 --> 00:44:04,982
Good health?
I'll outlive the lot of you.
774
00:44:05,022 --> 00:44:07,022
Why do I not doubt that?
775
00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:10,062
♪ When I'm back on top
776
00:44:10,102 --> 00:44:12,102
♪ Back on top in June?
777
00:44:12,142 --> 00:44:14,382
Excuse me, I think I'm wanted.
778
00:44:15,702 --> 00:44:17,702
♪ That's life
779
00:44:17,742 --> 00:44:19,542
♪ And, as funny as it may seem...
780
00:44:19,582 --> 00:44:22,142
Yeah, by who we haven't found out,
yet.
781
00:44:22,182 --> 00:44:23,982
♪ Get their kicks... ♪
782
00:44:24,022 --> 00:44:26,142
Excuse me, Michael.
783
00:44:26,182 --> 00:44:27,782
Elena.
784
00:44:27,822 --> 00:44:29,822
You er, you left your shirt.
785
00:44:29,862 --> 00:44:32,062
Ah, right. Erm...
786
00:44:32,102 --> 00:44:34,742
Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I have
to go.
787
00:44:34,782 --> 00:44:36,582
My uncle, he is waiting for me,
788
00:44:36,622 --> 00:44:40,222
but maybe you'll come by the beach
again, tomorrow?
789
00:44:40,262 --> 00:44:42,262
Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool.
790
00:44:42,302 --> 00:44:44,302
Cool.
791
00:44:44,342 --> 00:44:45,902
♪ ..a pawn and a king
792
00:44:45,942 --> 00:44:48,222
♪ I've been up and down
793
00:44:48,262 --> 00:44:50,102
♪ And over and out... ♪
794
00:44:50,142 --> 00:44:52,142
Just don't say anything.
795
00:44:52,182 --> 00:44:54,182
Oh, God.
796
00:44:55,742 --> 00:44:58,022
I feel absolutely wiped out.
797
00:44:58,062 --> 00:45:00,062
Slag.
798
00:45:00,102 --> 00:45:01,902
I beg your pardon.
799
00:45:01,942 --> 00:45:03,942
Have I missed something?
800
00:45:06,022 --> 00:45:08,662
♪ And then I'd fly
801
00:45:08,702 --> 00:45:11,222
♪ I've been a puppet, a pauper... ♪
802
00:45:11,262 --> 00:45:15,582
There you go, you deserve these
drinks after all your hard work.
803
00:45:15,622 --> 00:45:17,622
Oh, thanks, Lesley, I feel like a
new man.
804
00:45:17,662 --> 00:45:19,982
So do I, but where do you find one
round here, eh?
805
00:45:20,022 --> 00:45:22,022
Ah, dear.
806
00:45:22,062 --> 00:45:24,662
♪ Laying flat on my face
807
00:45:24,702 --> 00:45:27,662
♪ I just pick myself up
808
00:45:27,702 --> 00:45:30,182
♪ And get back in the race
809
00:45:30,222 --> 00:45:32,582
Oh, it's my dad's favourite song,
this is.
810
00:45:32,622 --> 00:45:34,982
I never heard it before. You're
joking?
811
00:45:35,022 --> 00:45:37,142
It's Frank Sinatra. Oh, yeah.
812
00:45:37,182 --> 00:45:38,982
It was his favourite.
813
00:45:40,102 --> 00:45:43,742
I remember, my dad had this signed
album of his and on it was written,
814
00:45:43,782 --> 00:45:47,622
'May you live to be 100 and may the
last voice you hear, be mine.'
815
00:45:47,662 --> 00:45:50,462
What was that other one he did?
816
00:45:50,502 --> 00:45:52,502
Was it Kinky Boots?
817
00:45:52,542 --> 00:45:55,382
No, hang on a minute, that was his
daughter Nancy.
818
00:45:55,422 --> 00:45:58,102
Kenneth? I can't breathe.
I'm gonna roll myself up
819
00:45:58,142 --> 00:46:00,902
Are you all right? I can't breathe.
In a big ball
820
00:46:00,942 --> 00:46:05,262
What's up, love? What's up?
And die
821
00:46:09,222 --> 00:46:13,782
♪ My, my! ♪
822
00:46:14,387 --> 00:46:47,621
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
823
00:46:47,671 --> 00:46:52,221
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