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1
00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:09,929
% My dreams are all dead and buried %
2
00:00:11,639 --> 00:00:15,803
% Sometimes l wish the sun
would just explode %
3
00:00:16,944 --> 00:00:20,937
% When God comes
and calls me to His kingdom %
4
00:00:21,749 --> 00:00:25,480
% l'll take all you sons of bitches
when l go %
5
00:00:29,156 --> 00:00:30,589
- My turn.
- Hell, no.
6
00:00:30,624 --> 00:00:33,787
- Man, let me drive that thing. Come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
7
00:00:38,466 --> 00:00:40,957
Welcome to paradise.
8
00:00:41,001 --> 00:00:45,734
The heavenly strip of nature
in the North Georgia mountains.
9
00:00:45,773 --> 00:00:48,799
Until the damned lndians moved in.
10
00:00:49,844 --> 00:00:51,835
Then the settlers...
11
00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:57,273
then that one black family
which drove everyone to the suburbs.
12
00:00:58,486 --> 00:01:01,046
Fortunately, it was later gentrified by...
13
00:01:01,088 --> 00:01:06,993
gay fur trappers, who were quickly
wiped out by the massive Glogaktafla.
14
00:01:09,163 --> 00:01:13,361
Then the strip mines
and rock quarries raped the land...
15
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:18,428
leaving a crater that was just begging
to be used as a nuclear testing site.
16
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Which ultimately cleared the land...
17
00:01:23,944 --> 00:01:27,175
for Captain Kookies
Family-Style Fun-Time Pizza Palace...
18
00:01:27,214 --> 00:01:29,944
and Nudist Hog
Waste Lagoon Vacation Resort...
19
00:01:29,984 --> 00:01:31,315
for Lesbians Only.
20
00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,344
lt didn't last a year.
21
00:01:35,523 --> 00:01:38,686
But now it's become
the first investment property...
22
00:01:38,726 --> 00:01:43,857
in the budding portfolio
of real-estate mogul, Early Cuyler.
23
00:01:43,898 --> 00:01:45,627
We done made ourselves a deal.
24
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:48,328
- All right, good!
- Where you going?
25
00:01:50,171 --> 00:01:53,004
This is the grandest
damn day of my life.
26
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:54,974
Daddy? What's that smell?
27
00:01:55,009 --> 00:01:58,570
lt's your future, son.
Go on now. Breathe it in.
28
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,539
Their future smells like shit.
29
00:02:01,582 --> 00:02:05,450
That's just the reinrichification of the soil
being richer richaremarichified.
30
00:02:05,486 --> 00:02:09,513
- Go on, take them damn blinders off.
- Oh, my God.
31
00:02:09,557 --> 00:02:11,923
That's right!
lt's all Cuyler land!
32
00:02:11,959 --> 00:02:14,723
Yeah! Stretching from
Diarrhea Creek over yonder...
33
00:02:14,762 --> 00:02:16,923
right here to this here skeleton.
34
00:02:16,964 --> 00:02:20,024
Big damn deal.
You bought a hog farm.
35
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:23,230
This here is
a damn hunting camp for hunters.
36
00:02:23,270 --> 00:02:27,001
lt is the only place in the region
where you can stalk and kill, cut, gut...
37
00:02:27,041 --> 00:02:29,100
and dress your own damn ham.
38
00:02:29,143 --> 00:02:30,770
How much did
you pay for this?
39
00:02:30,811 --> 00:02:33,575
- $37.50.
- What?!
40
00:02:33,614 --> 00:02:37,015
- You got your head up your ass?
- Sounds like a lot. How we gonna...?
41
00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:38,109
What are we gonna...?
42
00:02:38,152 --> 00:02:40,484
Calm down now, damn it!
l done worked it out.
43
00:02:40,521 --> 00:02:42,648
- But that's a lot of money, ain't it?
- Yeah.
44
00:02:42,690 --> 00:02:45,716
lf l had it all gathered together
here in a garbage bag...
45
00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:49,786
you'd think l was Travis Tritt
a strutting' my fine ass on down to Florida.
46
00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:55,791
But you see, son, usury allows
the little man to have that what he desires.
47
00:02:57,705 --> 00:03:01,106
This sumptuous tract
of real estate...
48
00:03:01,141 --> 00:03:05,373
fifty luscious acres,
currently unzoned for habitation...
49
00:03:05,412 --> 00:03:08,870
features picturesque views of these...
50
00:03:08,916 --> 00:03:11,817
scenic blue tarps.
51
00:03:12,353 --> 00:03:14,947
Can we start
the bidding at...25?
52
00:03:14,989 --> 00:03:17,958
- Oh, you bet.
- Yes! We have a 25, 25, 25.
53
00:03:17,992 --> 00:03:19,084
- Do we hear a 30?
- 30!
54
00:03:19,126 --> 00:03:21,390
A 30. From the only person
in the auction.
55
00:03:21,428 --> 00:03:24,056
- Going once, going twice...
- 35!
56
00:03:24,098 --> 00:03:25,963
And for some reason
we have a 35.
57
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,434
- 36!
- You do understand how this...
58
00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:30,096
- 37!
- All right...
59
00:03:30,137 --> 00:03:32,571
- l'm actually starting to feel bad...
- 37.50!
60
00:03:32,606 --> 00:03:37,168
Sold! To the moron that knows nothing
about auctions for 37.50.
61
00:03:37,211 --> 00:03:41,045
- Now, how will you be paying?
- These magic beans.
62
00:03:41,081 --> 00:03:49,045
So, that's 37.50 amortized
over 500 years at 2999% ...
63
00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:54,628
per annum...
64
00:03:57,798 --> 00:04:00,699
Can you make
a down payment, Early?
65
00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:04,693
Well...
Well, l got these...
66
00:04:05,639 --> 00:04:08,631
That's no down payment.
Technically, that's corn.
67
00:04:08,676 --> 00:04:11,338
The penalty for that
is to add additional escrow...
68
00:04:11,378 --> 00:04:15,109
Flo-Jo, racer from the Olympics,
you're not listening...
69
00:04:15,149 --> 00:04:16,844
and here we go.
70
00:04:16,884 --> 00:04:23,050
- Here is your monthly payment.
- l ain't gotta pay that all at once, do l?
71
00:04:23,090 --> 00:04:27,993
No, that's why l wasted the necessary time
to say the word ''monthly.''
72
00:04:28,028 --> 00:04:30,258
Sounds good!
Send me the bill now.
73
00:04:31,899 --> 00:04:35,335
So, you see, son,
through Jesus' gift of financery...
74
00:04:35,369 --> 00:04:39,999
we gonna own this here land outright
in half a millenniasm.
75
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:43,532
How are we gonna pay
$60 a month monthly?
76
00:04:43,577 --> 00:04:47,604
Months? Where the hell you get months?
Hell, l paid that all at once, don't l?
77
00:04:47,648 --> 00:04:50,845
- l don't think that's it, Daddy.
- How much?
78
00:04:50,884 --> 00:04:53,216
- You said $60.
- 60?! God!
79
00:04:53,253 --> 00:04:56,780
We can't afford that! Son of a bitch!
We need some damn money!
80
00:04:58,425 --> 00:04:59,949
Hey, darling.
81
00:04:59,994 --> 00:05:03,725
Let me have a carton of them
high tar slims...
82
00:05:03,764 --> 00:05:09,168
this Trans-Am key chain,
and all the Nasifeds you got back there.
83
00:05:09,937 --> 00:05:13,304
- The blister packs.
- Must have quite a cold gotcha there, Lil...
84
00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:16,002
wanting all that Nasifed and all that.
85
00:05:16,043 --> 00:05:17,840
Got a tickle in my throat.
86
00:05:17,878 --> 00:05:21,314
You get that tickle in your throat
about every two weeks, don't you?
87
00:05:21,348 --> 00:05:23,908
- What's your point?
- Oh, nothing. lt's just...
88
00:05:23,951 --> 00:05:26,920
l've been told by the authorities
l'm supposed to ask you...
89
00:05:26,954 --> 00:05:29,616
if you're planning to use
these pharmasweaticals...
90
00:05:29,656 --> 00:05:33,057
in the production
of illegal substances, you know?
91
00:05:33,093 --> 00:05:34,117
Druggery?
92
00:05:35,496 --> 00:05:40,229
Come on! Please!
This is ridiculous!
93
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:43,395
How's that crystal meth coming?
94
00:05:43,437 --> 00:05:46,565
- Real...good.
- Hey, Daddy!
95
00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:49,007
You talking about
crystal animetaphetamine?
96
00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:50,533
- Yeah.
- Ain't that illegal?
97
00:05:50,577 --> 00:05:53,102
Look here, son.
lt ain't like we're buying it.
98
00:05:53,147 --> 00:05:56,082
That's what's wrong.
We just make it and sell it...
99
00:05:57,518 --> 00:05:59,383
- ...and take it.
- OK.
100
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,388
Look at this here.
101
00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:06,189
These here is the faces of meth.
Now, look at this here average woman.
102
00:06:06,226 --> 00:06:08,660
- That's a woman, is it?
- All right, below average.
103
00:06:08,695 --> 00:06:11,664
- Oh, dang.
- And here is that same exact woman...
104
00:06:11,698 --> 00:06:13,893
- Oh, Lord.
- ...after tangling with meth.
105
00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:19,065
- Meth sure does make you...boney.
- Yep, boney. And easy.
106
00:06:19,106 --> 00:06:23,600
Look here of what that woman done
for just a teeny little bitty taste of meth.
107
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,044
- l can't!
- See how she done degraded herself?
108
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,605
- Too...too ugly.
- With me? That's me right there.
109
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,345
- ls that...?
- And Uncle Travis. We was in Gatlinburg.
110
00:06:31,385 --> 00:06:34,286
We tore the hell out of that hotel room.
We tore the sumbitch up.
111
00:06:34,321 --> 00:06:36,983
l ain't wanting to look
at that right now.
112
00:06:37,024 --> 00:06:38,855
l prefer the skinny type, really.
113
00:06:38,892 --> 00:06:42,658
- Daddy, l think it's raining pee!
- lt ain't raining pee.
114
00:06:42,696 --> 00:06:44,926
lt was raining pee.
115
00:06:44,965 --> 00:06:47,593
You see, the precipitation
around hog lagoons...
116
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:50,364
has an unusually
high ammonia content...
117
00:06:50,404 --> 00:06:53,840
on account of the giant holes
filled with hog pee.
118
00:06:53,874 --> 00:06:56,365
Hell, it ain't nothing but a thing.
119
00:06:56,410 --> 00:07:00,346
lt was definitely a thing.
Sometimes gasses build up...
120
00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:03,907
under the plastic that lines
the bottom of the hog pee lagoon...
121
00:07:03,951 --> 00:07:06,112
triggering a massive explosion.
122
00:07:08,555 --> 00:07:10,750
l ain't feeling so good about this.
123
00:07:10,791 --> 00:07:13,157
lf you can't take the pee,
get out of the pee-ery.
124
00:07:13,193 --> 00:07:15,957
How's the hunting there, Showtime?
You bag one yet?
125
00:07:15,996 --> 00:07:17,725
No, Early, l haven't.
126
00:07:17,764 --> 00:07:20,392
lt seems Lord's bounty
is mighty thin out here.
127
00:07:20,434 --> 00:07:24,598
What you need to do is rent you
one of these here beating sticks. $60 each.
128
00:07:24,638 --> 00:07:27,436
Early, there ain't no meat
to beat out here!
129
00:07:27,474 --> 00:07:28,702
Wait a minute! Russell!
130
00:07:28,742 --> 00:07:31,267
You the personnel man.
Where's them damn hogs at?
131
00:07:31,311 --> 00:07:33,871
Daddy, l think
something's wrong with them hogs.
132
00:07:33,914 --> 00:07:37,748
They all skinny, paranoid,
showing up late to be killed.
133
00:07:37,784 --> 00:07:40,719
- Your brochure lied!
- Shut up! l see one!
134
00:07:41,755 --> 00:07:43,689
Snakeman, you a seein' that?
135
00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:46,488
He's a fatty.
Go get you some!
136
00:07:48,695 --> 00:07:50,128
Help, Daddy!
137
00:07:52,299 --> 00:07:54,164
Snakeman!
138
00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:57,364
That damn hog's
a runnin' off with my ride!
139
00:08:01,275 --> 00:08:02,708
Damn! Daddy!
140
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:06,144
- We done been cleaned out!
- Well, just what l thought.
141
00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:08,239
lt looks like the work of hogs.
142
00:08:08,282 --> 00:08:13,015
Man, the Dale Jr. poster is gone!
And the matching bandana, too!
143
00:08:13,053 --> 00:08:16,545
Good thing they didn't get my
'96 Atlanta Olympic barbeque pump.
144
00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:20,522
- There we go.
- Early...
145
00:08:20,561 --> 00:08:24,657
you wouldn't be committing
no insurance fraud there, would you now?
146
00:08:24,698 --> 00:08:27,496
lnsurance?!
Hell, l ain't got no insurance.
147
00:08:27,534 --> 00:08:30,264
But l'm gonna sue the pants out
of the 1996 Olympics...
148
00:08:30,304 --> 00:08:32,272
for burning
my sumbitching house down.
149
00:08:32,306 --> 00:08:35,571
Bunch of sick, fire-toting freaks
hanging medals around their necks.
150
00:08:35,609 --> 00:08:38,942
- Sheriff, what you doing up here?
- Well, y'all ain't paid your loan.
151
00:08:38,979 --> 00:08:40,844
So, l'm here to seize your assets.
152
00:08:41,548 --> 00:08:44,676
Looks like somebody beat me
to the Dale Jr. poster though.
153
00:08:44,718 --> 00:08:46,185
Rusty, get a picture of this.
154
00:08:48,589 --> 00:08:50,147
Y'all gonna have to excuse me.
155
00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:53,853
This here smoke's just playing hell
with my sinuses and stuff.
156
00:08:55,729 --> 00:09:01,224
- You so tense. Oh, the tension!
- Oh, that's so nice. Wait!
157
00:09:01,268 --> 00:09:05,170
You ain't entering me in another
tough-man competition, are you?
158
00:09:05,205 --> 00:09:09,073
No, Granny. Hey, listen.
You so stressed about everything.
159
00:09:09,109 --> 00:09:13,341
l mean, look at this stress knot right here
in the middle of your back.
160
00:09:13,380 --> 00:09:14,904
There you go. That's a big 'un.
161
00:09:14,948 --> 00:09:19,612
And l'm expected to believe that this is
an authentic mountain pork rind, Early?
162
00:09:19,653 --> 00:09:21,382
Taste of it.
163
00:09:24,157 --> 00:09:25,146
No.
164
00:09:25,192 --> 00:09:28,355
No, l don't think
this is much of a business plan.
165
00:09:28,395 --> 00:09:31,091
Go on!
Seize all the assets at once.
166
00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:37,370
- You want me to pick up this...
- Yes. The skeleton!
167
00:09:37,404 --> 00:09:42,034
Well...OK. l'm the law.
168
00:09:43,443 --> 00:09:45,411
Somebody's cooking meth up here.
169
00:09:45,445 --> 00:09:49,438
Meth? What?! How dare you?
This is a legitimate pork rindery.
170
00:09:49,483 --> 00:09:51,383
- Look.
- Son of a bitch!
171
00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:52,783
See?!
172
00:09:54,087 --> 00:09:57,250
- That was a meth lab explosion.
- What?! No, no.
173
00:09:57,291 --> 00:09:59,486
That's just a hog latrine going off.
174
00:09:59,526 --> 00:10:03,485
Actually, that was a meth lab explosion.
175
00:10:03,530 --> 00:10:07,523
Didn't mean to interrupt, l just wanted to...
That was a meth lab.
176
00:10:09,269 --> 00:10:10,463
Oh, Lord.
177
00:10:11,271 --> 00:10:13,967
- But this hog's strung out on drugs.
- How...?
178
00:10:14,007 --> 00:10:16,271
- Call 911.
- Hell, that hog can't be on drugs.
179
00:10:16,310 --> 00:10:18,437
- One, two, three.
- How could a hog...
180
00:10:18,478 --> 00:10:23,108
what ain't got no money,
pay money for damn drugs?! Lil?
181
00:10:23,150 --> 00:10:26,608
- The first taste is always free.
- One, two, three.
182
00:10:26,653 --> 00:10:29,645
There's no damn pulse.
One, two, three.
183
00:10:31,425 --> 00:10:33,188
One, two, three.
184
00:10:34,828 --> 00:10:37,194
Come on, you fat bastard! Live!
185
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:38,993
One, two, three.
186
00:10:46,139 --> 00:10:47,800
l'm afraid l did all l could.
187
00:10:48,842 --> 00:10:50,104
This hog...
188
00:10:51,144 --> 00:10:53,135
is dead.
189
00:10:58,085 --> 00:10:59,985
ls your hog on drugs?
190
00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:03,387
How would you know?
How could you tell?
191
00:11:03,423 --> 00:11:06,017
Look for these here warning signs.
192
00:11:06,326 --> 00:11:07,691
Sudden weight loss...
193
00:11:08,729 --> 00:11:10,993
euphoria leading to paranoia...
194
00:11:12,032 --> 00:11:14,091
stealatization of your things...
195
00:11:14,668 --> 00:11:18,195
and jibbery style oinkery
what make no sense at all.
196
00:11:18,238 --> 00:11:21,207
Warn your hogs
about the dangers of meth...
197
00:11:21,241 --> 00:11:23,505
before it's too damn late.
198
00:11:23,543 --> 00:11:28,480
l'm Early Cuyler, and that concludes
my court-ordered community service.
199
00:11:28,982 --> 00:11:32,110
Don't it?
Come on, Randy. Let me the f-- out!
200
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:32,999
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201
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