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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:11,510
[ Static, radio tuning ]
[ Country music plays ]
all my dreams are dead and
2
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:19,522
buried
sometimes I wish the sun would
just explode
3
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:27,260
when God comes and calls me up
to his kingdom
I'll take you sons of bitches
4
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,631
when I go
Rusty: My turn.
Early: Hell no.
5
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:34,270
Rusty: Man, let me drive that
thing!
Early: Do not touch the trim!
6
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:38,638
[ Machinery running ]
[ Machinery beeping ]
7
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:43,439
[ Whistle blows ]
8
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:50,454
Early: [ Grunting ]
Hey, Darlene.
Hey, Becky.
9
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,951
[ Grunting ]
10
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:58,922
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Darlene.
[ Grunts ]
11
00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:02,956
Free Greek-yogurt-covered gummy
nuts, baby!
Whoo!
12
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:10,503
Aaaaaaah!
Ohhhhhhh! Why?!
Why did this have to happen to
13
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:13,444
me?!
[ Sobs ]
Oh, God!
14
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:17,311
Granny: Layin' it on a
little thick, aren't we?
Early: I'd butter you
15
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:21,451
with a thick beatdown if I
still had ol' smacky.
Smacky was my bitch-whuppin'
16
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:24,819
arm.
Aw, smacky!
Why did you forever go and
17
00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:28,649
leave my ass?
Granny: Probably 'cause
you were drinkin' at work again
18
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:33,626
and took your eye off the ball.
Early: Oh, bitch.
It's almost like I can feel ol'
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00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:36,497
smacky wrapped around your damn
throat.
Granny: Ooh!
20
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:41,827
But smacky's gone now, ain't he?
And he ain't never comin'
back.
21
00:01:41,836 --> 00:01:44,936
[ Laughs evilly ]
Early: Oh, God.
You're right.
22
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:52,379
I'll never strangle or
properly batter your ass again!
Son of a bitch!
23
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:57,479
[ Sobbing ]
Why?!
[ Sobbing ]
24
00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:03,885
[ Rooster crows ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Fly buzzing ]
25
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:09,031
Mm.
[ Sniffing ]
Mm.
26
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:14,469
Smacky?
Smacky, is that you?
You've come back to me!
27
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:18,568
A medical damn miracle brought
on by my brown party liquor,
baby!
28
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,542
Whoo!
Rusty: Hey, daddy, your arm
grew back -- like that big ol'
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00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:25,512
whitehead between my eyes!
Early: Rusty, come over here
and hug on me on account of
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00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:28,513
my arm.
Rusty: All right.
Ow! Damn, daddy!
31
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:32,516
Early: You ain't never
gonna learn, boy!
Ba-boom! Ba-bam! Bap!
32
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,550
Ol' smacky is back in the game!
Whoo!
Rusty: It's kinda nice
33
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:38,486
gettin' a smackdown from ol'
smacky.
Ow! I did miss him.
34
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:41,592
Early: Pow!
Ol' smacky ain't missed your ass
once.
35
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:46,395
Whap, whap!
"Boom" goes the dynamite!
[ Slurps ]
36
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,600
Early: Bap!
Hey.
37
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:50,401
Early: Looky here, Glenn!
Yeah! It done growed back!
38
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:53,944
I bet your flabby sausage arms
can't do that, dumbass.
39
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:57,081
I'd just take the insurance
benefit for the missing limb.
40
00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,747
Early: Do what, now?
You did it on the job,
41
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,747
right?
Read your insurance packet,
42
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,079
bro.
Lots of nuggets in there.
43
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,553
Dan Halen: Early cuyler,please report to my office.
44
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,953
[ Laughs ]I guess you're not gonna getthat big settlement check.
45
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:12,926
[ Laughs ]Dumbass. Early: Yeah, I guess itis
46
00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:16,087
kinda strange that it's stillbleedin' a day after theaccident.
47
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:19,926
But, uh...[ Chuckling ] but it ain't likeit grew back and I cut it off
48
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:23,474
again just now.I mean, what the hell?That didn't happen.
49
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:27,570
Dan Halen: I didn't ask.Here.As much as it pains me to do
50
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:32,535
this, here is a check for $600per our reluctant butgovernment-mandated
51
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:37,616
death-and-dismemberment policy. Early: Also, uh, y'all reallyoughta put some guardrails on
52
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:41,788
that paper shredder, now.And you got yourself a seriousosha problem with that pencil
53
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,719
sharpener. Dan Halen: [ Grumbles ] Early: Go on, now.
54
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:49,055
Write them checks.Whoo!I done gamed the damned system,
55
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:51,663
baby!Free cashy money! Granny: Hurray!
56
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:56,095
Early: Although, I must say,celebratin' ain't the samesince I lost fist-pumpy and
57
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:59,673
back-slappy. Granny: Yeah, high-fiveyain't lookin' too hot, either.
58
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:03,083
Early: Well, as long asmoney-grabby got it goin' on... Rusty: Ain't you supposed
59
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,807
to be at work? Early: Boss man told me totake the day off -- said he
60
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,853
don't want me to lose no morelimbs on his property.[ Sniffing ]
61
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,619
Rusty: Does this mean Ican finally get a brace for mytooth?
62
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:15,619
Granny: And I want acrack at that fancydrive-through taco I saw that
63
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:19,023
dog talkin' about on TV. Early: Bitch, we ain't gottaco money.
64
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:23,656
If you want fancy things, youget yourself yourown job and
cut your own arms off at your
65
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,504
own workplace.
This here is my American dream!
66
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:34,970
This devil machine!
Who the hell coulda seen this
comin'?!
67
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,605
Aaaaaaah!
[ Forklift beeping ]
68
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,781
Aah!
Pay attention, Lyle!
69
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:44,780
Didn't you see my arm under
your damn wheel?!
[ Dogs barking ]
70
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:49,485
Animal attack! Unprovoked!
[ Applause ]
Ohh!
71
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:54,130
[ Strained ] Grand openin'!
Free balloons for the kids!
[ Microwave whirring ]
72
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:56,528
[ Ding ]
Who put this dangerous microwave
here?!
73
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,130
I need first aid!
74
00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:04,972
Who put this dangerous first-aid
cabinet here?!
I need microwave here!
75
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:10,212
Got this one stuck in the bagel
slicer down in the break room.
Mmm.
76
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:14,210
You best put up a sign 'fore
somebody gets their ass killed.
[ Sighs ]
77
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:18,554
Listen, Mr. Halen wants you to
restock the copier with paper --
nothing more.
78
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:22,222
That's your job now.
Early: Well, this here paper
looks pretty big to me.
79
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:25,822
I mean, you want I should
shrinkinate it with the -- with
the --
80
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,156
where's the hell's the arm
chopper?
It's been removed.
81
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:31,832
We're not stupid.
[ Paper rustles ]
Early: Aaaaaaah!
82
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:36,872
Manila card stock!
What the hell kinda deathtrap
you runnin' here?!
83
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:40,070
[ Bird cries ]
Just stand here like this,
keep the crows off the crops.
84
00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:43,944
Early: I can scare me a mess
of birds away with these ninja
swords I got at the mall.
85
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:47,254
No! No, don't! Don't!
Put 'em down.
You just stretch your arms out
86
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:50,717
and do nothing, and nothing's
gonna happen.
[ Motor whirring ]
87
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,218
Oh, no.
Early: Oh, hell yeah!
No! No!
88
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,760
Early: Bring it on! Owww!
Stop the machine!
Stop the machine!
89
00:05:56,757 --> 00:06:01,727
[ Whirring slows, stops ]
Oh. Oh, thank God.
[ Crows cawing ]
90
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:05,559
Early: Aah! Aah! Ohh!
Jackpot!
Aw, come on!
91
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,096
Early: Oh, my arm!
92
00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:09,901
Oh, my arm!
93
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:15,213
Oh, my --
what's the damn deal here?!
Listen, Mr. Halen wants you
94
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:19,709
to stand here and make sure
everyone washes their hands.
Or not.
95
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:24,153
He doesn't really care.
[ Door opens, closes ]
Early: Birds, come forth!
96
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:27,791
I call on thee!
[ Crows cawing ]
Aah! Aah! Ohh!
97
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,788
blessed!
98
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:36,230
Whoo, baby!
Whoo!
Sheriff: You wanted to see
99
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:40,130
me, Mr. Halen?
Dan Halen: I have an employee
who is bending me over and
100
00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:45,344
raping the cash out of me!
I want proof so I can legally
fire this cripple!
101
00:06:45,339 --> 00:06:48,839
Rusty: Hey, check this out.
I went through that company
insurance plan.
102
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:51,982
A whole leg is supposed to fetch
you $900-plus.
Early: What the hell?
103
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:56,649
Granny: You've only been
gettin' $600 a leg.
That's the damn finger rate!
104
00:06:56,650 --> 00:07:00,250
Early: He's rippin' me off!
Hell, this is fraud!
Rusty: Well, daddy, you can
105
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:03,664
just do you a half-ass job till
you get laid off.
Then you could get a severance
106
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:06,187
package.
Early: Well, that's a good
idea, boy.
107
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:10,203
Go ahead. Sever my package.
How much we get for that?
Granny: Oh, you're both so
108
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:13,097
shortsighted.
The big payoff's in chemical
109
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,100
burns -- loss of vision.
Don't you fools read
110
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,273
appendix d? Early:Hell, I mean, if I
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00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:21,142
stab my eyes out and burn myface off with lye, we can
112
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:26,281
retire. Rusty:What's this about,sheriff?
113
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,050
[ Camera beeps, whirs ] Sheriff: Uh...Just between us, Mr. Halen told
114
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:34,050
me to watch you so we can provethat you're defraudin' theinsurance company.
115
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:37,124
Dan Halen: Moron! Sheriff: I'm even wearin'a wire [Chuckles] like in that
116
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:40,194
TV show -- you know, "the wire." Dan Halen: Get out of there!Abort the mission!
117
00:07:40,194 --> 00:07:42,964
Sheriff: Hang on.This -- this radio keeps makin'this crazy noise.
118
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,863
Dan Halen: Abort the miss-- sheriff: Whoa!You got an aboveground pool?
119
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:50,066
Early: Oh, hell yeah.I also got me some Chinesethrowin' stars from the dollar.
120
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:56,340
And I can afford me this herehat, too.Hell, I can't afford the other
121
00:07:56,343 --> 00:08:00,653
hat yet.But soon, sumbitch, I will!That's the damn joke.
122
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:08,247
Sheriff: So you got allthis stuff just by losin' yourarms?
123
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:12,915
I-I had a accident -- on thejob. Dan Halen: Accident? Hmm.
124
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:17,396
Do you remember the part whereyou were wearing the wire?Sheriff: Like on that TV show
125
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:21,197
"the wire"?Oh, yeah.[ Tape recorder beeps ]
126
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:24,941
Ain't there a better way thanthis Rusty bear trap, Early? Early:Yeah, I guess, but --
127
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:28,108
ha ha -- this is funny.[Clank]
sheriff: Aaaaaaahh!
128
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:31,878
Early: [Laughs maniacally ]
Sheriff: I always wanted apool, though.
129
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:35,079
Ohh! Dan Halen: You do know thatjust because you're on the take
130
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:40,022
doesn't make you abenefits-eligible employee? Sheriff: But...I was working
131
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:43,390
foryothough.
Dan Halen: Legally speaking,
that was a personal favor,
132
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:46,730
sheriff.
Read the written agreement -- of
which you have none!
133
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:50,797
Sheriff: Well, at least I was
smart enough to put my arm in a
bag of rice.
134
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:55,067
Dan Halen: That's for wet
cellphones, you subaverage
cretin.
135
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:59,038
Sheriff: Aw, hell.
I got my websites mixed up
again.
136
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:05,779
Early: [ Grunting ]
Granny: I think you went to
that arm well one too many
137
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,949
times.
Early: No, no, I'm fine,
bitch.
138
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:11,218
Nose-diggy and gun-shooty is
holdin' down the fort while --
[ Crows cawing ]
139
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:15,488
Aah! Aah! Ohh!
Them sumbitchin' crows is on
my ass like a birthmark!
140
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:20,089
Granny: Well, bottle-grabby's
seen better days.
He looks like a dried-up ramen
141
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:20,963
noodle.
142
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:25,061
Early: The hell with him.
I still got my mouth finger,
143
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,225
licky.
[ Slurps ]
144
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:30,943
[ Muffled ] Works just as well.
[ Slurps ]
Rusty: Daddy, your arms
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00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:34,508
didn't grow back.
Early: Wait.
Are you sayin' my arms growed
146
00:09:34,508 --> 00:09:38,808
back and that bitch over there
stole 'em in the night?!
Granny: No, no, he didn't say
147
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,912
that at all!
Early: You purple thievin'
whore!
148
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:46,084
I'm 'bout to tongue-whip you!
[ Grunting ]
Granny: [ Laughs ]
149
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:51,116
Aww, you're tryin' your hardest,
ain't ya?
See ya later!
150
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:55,164
Early: Damn slippery bitch
got away.
151
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:59,502
[ Grunting ]
Rusty: Where you tryin' to
152
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,129
go, daddy?
Early: To the doctor.
153
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,104
[ Grunts ]
Hell, my livelihood is in
154
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:07,313
jeopardy.
[ Grunting ]
Rusty: Hey, let me give you a
155
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,937
lift.
Early: Please stop!
Ohh! Aah! Stop!
156
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,843
Rusty: Whee!
Early: Please! Please!
Oh, God!
157
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:17,346
Rusty: Whoo!
Early: Oh, stop it! Stop it!
[ Panting ]
158
00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:24,021
[ Grunting ]
[ Metal clanking ]
159
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:30,464
[ Panting ]
Mornin', Early.
Early: What, Glenn?!
160
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:33,834
You ain't never seen a octuple
amputee?
Is that it?
161
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,534
Well, get you a damn eyeful!
162
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:41,535
[ Screaming ]
Damn it!
163
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:44,141
You need some help or --
Early: You squash-shaped
164
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,884
bitch!
You try clinkin' a damn mile in
165
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:52,220
my hooks sometime!
Was just sayin' "hey."
Early: [ Grunting ]
166
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:56,019
Dan Halen: I see you've
been outfitted with our
[Chuckling] state-of-the-art
167
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:59,223
hook technology.
Early: [ Grunting ]
Dan Halen: Yes, the gravy
168
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:02,426
train has pulled into the
station.
Everybody off!
169
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:05,899
Early: W-w-w-w-wait.
Hold on, now.
How much you think you could,
170
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:10,069
uh, give me for these?[ Flies buzzing ]
171
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,040
Rusty: [ Clears throat ][ Rooster crows ]
172
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,169
What the...Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
173
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,844
Granny: Yay!We're gonna be rich!
174
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:44,274
Made...In Georgia.
17905
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